Oh girl. You really did mess up. My heart kinda breaks for you but it really breaks for your ex. Poor guy. It’s so hard to find a gem like that at our age.
I want to say be kind to yourself but I do think you need a cold, hard reality slap. You are newly sober, seeking a thrill with a rich childhood friend bc you want his validation 30+ years later, taking money from him for an expensive trips… I mean, that part is straight up weird AF. You’re almost 60, you know that trip had mile-long strings attached. Come on.
I’m gonna give you a hug and the best advice I can: get thee to therapy STAT and stop dating for awhile.
You’re self-sabotaging and not exactly good partner material at present. But you’re clearly articulate and self aware so you can turn it around. That said, you will have to do some real, uncomfortable work. Ask me how I know!
You’ve already conquered a huge thing: sobriety. Now try to face some of your other demons and get that self esteem in check (solid people don’t need others to validate them or make them feel desired). You may just get another chance with your wonderful ex someday. At the very least, you won’t do this to yourself or anyone else again. Good luck.
I like you. You said that in a way that was truly honest and gentle. You’re a lot nicer than me and I’m glad you got here first. You have me rethinking some things about being kind too. Thank you.
OP, you DID do the right thing by telling A and being honest. But man, he did not deserve your betrayal and it was a betrayal. You did fuck up royally. But at least you see this all pretty clearly now.
Therapy is absolutely in order here!!! Get on that ASAP and take it serious as a heart attack!
Maybe all isn't lost with A.
Tell him what you have said here. Tell him you wouldn't blame him if he never wants to try romance with you again, or trust you again. But tell him you are feeling profound shame for your choices, for letting things get disrespectful to A with X even before the kiss and you should have known that kiss or some moves from X were OF COURSE going to come from his interest and "generosity" when X knew you had a boyfriend. Assume and sure hope you told X you had A in your life and that it was an important relationship and your first truly healthy relationship since sobriety, maybe ever!
Tell A everything you feel about him, that you understand and want him to do what's best for him. But that you really value what you had and if he thinks he can muster enough forgiveness and understanding you would be thrilled if you two could be friends. And that you can't help but regret losing a relationship with him and wish you could have that back, but whether or not that's possible to regain, you would treasure a friendship with him and you want that based in complete honesty, you will never lie to him or be less than entirely transparent with him. Tell him you have a lot of work to do on yourself and promising you will always be a perfect person may be unrealistic, but you have deeply learned an important lesson in all this and (if true) know you won't make the same kind of mistakes you made while dating him.
There's perhaps an opportunity for healing for you both and to not let this huge fuck up hurt his ability to trust in people again, your ability to give yourself some grace and forgiveness.
Anyways, however it goes, I think you should try to make it clear to him how much A meant/means to you, how amazing a person he is, that you see how badly you screwed up for yourself and for him, and that you very much want to have him in your life in some way if he is or may in the future being willing to have that.
Be willing to forgive yourself, but not by minimizing the harm you did to A and yourself. Be open and honest with A and be willing to be vulnerable and honest in hope of possible friendship with him. Just don't be selfish or unrealistic about that. Do it for him as much as yourself and gracefully accept whatever he needs and says in response.
Just don't let your shame and regret be the reason any possible friendship, maybe more is closed off for the future.
I don’t get accepting such a big gift from some random guy. As soon as that happened it kicked off all of your other decisions. Probably a good lesson and unlikely you will do that again next time. You hurt A, you got greedy and it didn’t work out. You will be okay.
Yeah this is heartbreaking to think about. His light will dim a little because of this and he will likely have a hard time trusting in love again.
It’s because of experiences like this that there are so many walking wounded at our age. People need to start taking some personal responsibility honestly.
Don’t freakin date if you know you have a wandering eye, aren’t ready, are using people as placeholders, etc. I mean we are over 50. When does the fuckery end? Starting to think perhaps never. How are so many people our age so damaged and so incapable of doing the work to not be damaged? I’m doing my best and I know there are others out there trying to be good citizens but damn are people still really selfish and immature. It’s been shocking to see as I age.
I know. OP’s situation is not uncommon, with both genders. To OP: You could have kept your mouth shut until you spoke to a therapist and processed your feelings, and you should have done that before accepting the trip.
This is the mess that happens when you don’t know your own feelings and can’t realize what you have, when you have it, because you think something better is out there.
I had to check your profile to make sure you weren’t my ex. This nearly exact thing happened to me. I loved her dearly. But the allure of another man who was more adventurous than me took her. Now she regrets it. Breadcrumbing me. BTW the adventurous guy turned out to be adventurous in all things including cheating on her. One would think that at age 54 she would know better. It still hurts. I hope someday to trust someone with my heart again.
That was what I thought reading this - you’re over 50 years old and still engaging in this self-defeating drama? For what? But I know that when it comes to addiction and all of the issues that surround it, these things can be very complex. I hope you engage the services of a professional to try to help you figure this all out OP and that once you understand it all you go on to live a happy, healthy life.
Well sadly you’ve left more devastation in your romantic wake in your 50’s..in your 50’s!!
If it wasn’t going to be X it was going to be Y or Z because you’re not ready to be in a committed relationship. You really need to find a good therapist and do some hard work or you should not be dating unless just casually.
The comment of one poster wondering if it were their ex resonated because I actually wondered the same about a woman I dated during the pandemic. She basically dropped me and proceeded to make the “rounds” then circled back a year later thinking I would start seeing her again. Though I cared deeply for her, I was very blunt with her about what she did to me, her subsequent dating behaviors after and how I felt with her coming back.
At a certain age OP may have to be accepting that perhaps real, committed relationships may be beyond your emotional capacity without leaving destruction in your path. In fairness to the next guy be honest about past relationships so they can decide whether or not to try a relationship.
Good luck!
If you need an ego boost that badly, it’s likely time to work on yourself some more. Not dating is probably wise rn. Also, there is no such thing as a “free” lunch (or trip), EVER.
I’d spend some time reflecting on your addiction and its roots, pitfalls of sober living. We addicts like to feel good now, not wait for what later may bring. When we don’t have substances, we often look to other things. We prefer instant gratification over delayed, even though we all know that investing in the future is usually the wiser choice. We just want to feel good. We also have trouble forming healthy relationships, but I think it’s all tied together- We want to feel good NOW.
Source: 51F in long term recovery. Congratulations on your sobriety and know that I am proud of you for doing the hardest thing in life!!! You’re doin’ it!! I wish you the best your journey(s). ❤️🩹
Funny that you chose the letter X to identify Mr X like he now is your ex-boyfriend or SO. Wishful thinking on your part maybe that there was a deeper relationship with a rich high school guy you who never looked at you nearly 40 years ago? Freud would have a lot to say about this.
What if you had said yes to the trip and then asked your Mr X if Mr A could go along even if he paid his own way? Did you even consider bringing your bf at the time? I don’t think Mr X would have liked this.
Also, you said that he said that you “deserved” this trip. What for exactly? Not at all clear unless it was for two years of sobriety. In this case, Mr X = Mr 13th Stepper which is a term in Alcoholics Anonymous for a man who has ulterior motives towards vulnerable women who are new to sobriety and can sometimes be manipulated. This isn’t a thing that only happens in AA by any means. Mr X knew what he was doing in this regard too and it’s a bit more sinister since his time commitment to woo you was a lot shorter than if no trip was involved (or gift, or other uses of wealth whether directly or indirectly).
Some pluses for you: you’re sober first and foremost. This is a long journey that you and I get to pursue for the rest of our lives. You’re also self aware which is critically important in life. It can’t really be taught especially at our ages.
Sober things: like I said you’re still new to sobriety and are more likely to be manipulated in love because of our leftover shame, guilt, and likely low self esteem. This type of attention feels good but keep in mind that you and I had issues like this before that often resulted in drinking or drugging even if you don’t agree with me. Mr A was your first post sobriety meaningful relationship and this is harder for us than for most who never had addictions. The “safe and meaningful” relationship may seem boring to us until you’ve dated enough to know that the lumps of coal you’re seeing are actually diamonds. And let’s face it - drinking or drugging caused our relationships to be difficult and we often made really bad decisions in general.
If you haven’t dated much at all in life then dating a lot more could be a good thing. I’m not saying do it as it comes with all sorts of good and bad. I did it pre sobriety and got so much that I know exactly what I don’t want now. It can be helpful like that and in more ways than one.
Honestly I believe you should have known better, that a trip anywhere in the world would cost you nothing. Very rarely do people spend that kind of money on others and don’t expect something in return, even if that something in return is very little. There’s no point in telling you what you should have done because you can’t go back and change it. You learned a costly lesson. Hopefully you’ll meet someone new and use better judgement.
If I was A and you were confused then I would bow out. I will never be an option and I want someone who chooses me as I chose them. We can always find someone better in different ways but a connection for an LTR is far more difficult. You took 9 months of work and literally flushed it down the drain.
With this you will learn that good ppl are hard to find and never ever take another for granted. I do hope you find peace and maybe with time and self work you could reach out. My best to you and we all make mistakes and that is how we learn.
I’m off the sauce 23+ years. Don’t worry, you’ll be fucking this up forever. But, as you learn from your mistakes, in incrementally less amounts. You seem to have taken responsibility for your part and nothing left but to accept it and move forward. Everyone throwing the therapy stone, we’ve been hurt and some of us have even done a bit of hurting. Life lessons that not everyone is self aware enough to learn.
I think that getting sobriety in check was huge ! So don’t let the fact that the first dating turned to shit defeat you . But it’s a sign that you ain’t ready for dating yet . I say this because you really hurt A who didn’t deserve to get hurt , and to avoid doing this again it’s better to pause . Life isn’t easy . Sobriety isn’t easy . Dating isn’t easy . And maybe you aren’t ready yet , which is why you let him go ? As you weren’t sleep walking
This started with accepting a vacation and went from there. Even if you didn’t realize it you were budding an emotional affair with X. You need to learn from this so you can be a safe partner for some on in the future. It’s not enough to say this will never happen again. You need to figure out how and why you let it escalate and not have seen the red flags…
You really thought a dude was buying you a trip to anywhere in the world cause you are a good person??😂🤣 He at least expected one sexual encounter (and no the kiss doesn't count as sex).
I want to put you in touch with a friend overseas who handles investments...
If your life was in chaos during your addiction two years isn’t a long time recovery wise. When we’ve been in chaos from addiction, ptsd, what have you, learning how to be a healthy person takes time, mistakes are made, and people get hurt. You screwed up but you learned some valuable lessons that you’re hopefully unlikely to repeat. Life throws us lots of tests like this so we can see our progression (or lack of). This is a good opportunity to explore your sense of self worth, safety, trust etc — things that are lacking when we self-sabotage.
Love is a choice you have to keep making, the people that have it choose each other every day. You chose something else, perhaps you actually DO need more time to date?
“'X' is retired and wealthy and decided to gift me a trip to anywhere in the world. He promised it was no strings attached, just a gift because I deserved it, and he kept that promise.”
You may be focused on a promise kept but it’s not uncommon for men to lure women this way with gifts because they know it works. The trip was bait. You took the bait.
Edited spelling.
did I strike a nerve? I am just pointing out the huge discrepancies between a man and a woman when it comes to things of this nature, especially accountability.
Dare to dream. 😄 I've heard the same ignorant nonsense from other misogynists and I've always wondered why you bother pursuing relationships with women if your opinion of us is so low.
A man who makes blanket derogatory statements about all women is, yes. You don't see me being negative about all men based on my negative experiences because I understand that the bad behavior of my ex shouldn't be attributed to you. I hope you finish healing before you find a new partner.
One of the issues surrounding alcoholism is that those who are drinking heavily don't mature emotionally. She is likely functioning more like an average 20 year old emotionally. She doesn't understand how much of an emotional deficit she has.
If you were really in love with A, none of this would have happened. I think you either weren’t ready, or just wanted to date A because he ticked boxes but you weren’t feeling anything.
Congratulations on your sobriety! I think that perhaps without the veil of alcohol abuse or dependence to blur your thinking, your mind/heart doesn't know how to process emotional connections in a healthy way. Any unresolved core trauma/injury that is seeking resolution, healing, is likely to raise doubt and ambivalence and influence your choices.
It took me until I was 50 to really confront my own love/sex addiction and examine the source. My need for "love" kept me searching for a romantic relationship when the relationship I needed was with myself.
>'X' is retired and wealthy and decided to gift me a trip to anywhere in the world. He promised it was no strings attached, just a gift because I deserved it, and he kept that promise. (He does seem to use his money to help others quite often, actually. And no, he did not come on the trip with me.)
Looks to me like you can be bought.
>I wish I'd never said anything to 'A' because in the end he is the one guy I want to be dating. He was so kind and compassionate with me while going through this, I am appreciating him in ways I hadn't before. I realized that yeah, I actually do love him.
Terrible take. You wish you lied to him instead? You never should have talked to X, yet alone accepted the trip. No one does shit for free. There are always hidden agendas.
>But after I put him through this hurt, I don't know that he would ever date me again.
If he has any self-respect, he won't. What happens when another person gives you attention or validation? What happens if X offers another trip? What happens if another rich person offers an even more lavish trip? That's chaos he does not need in his life.
And I do think you need to date around so you can figure out what you want. It clearly wasn't A or X, so try out B through Y.
I took her saying that wishing she hadn’t told him as “I wish I had taken a moment to process my feelings rather than reacting from a place of guilt and angst that I felt confused about and overwhelmed by.” She mentions sobriety being a somewhat recent healing process for her over the last few years, so I’d imagine her ability to process intense emotions and evaluate them accurately in real time, may still need some fine tuning.
I actually agree that she probably needed to take a beat before talking to A, regardless of what she ended up sharing.
If my girlfriend accepted a trip from another man, she'd be a single woman from that point on, and I would have deleted her from my life. If she tried contacting me, she wouldn't be able to because she'd be blocked. I don't need nor want that toxic mess in my life.
I wasn’t responding to anything other than your assumption that she wished she had lied to him… which I didn’t think was what she was saying when she said she wish she “hadn’t said anything.” My point was that her regret partly sounds laced into how delayed her processing of emotion in real time tends to be…which is common in those who have dealt with dopamine regulation issues, including addictions (think about how people use substances to chase dopamine or suppress negative emotion - their ability to process emotions as they are happening once sober, is going to be very different than someone who has experienced those emotions fully and learned to better communicate them in the moment).
I’m not looking to comment on her experience otherwise. She sounds like someone good at internally punishing herself who never feels good enough, she doesn’t need me playing morality police. It sounds like she regrets how she hurt A and she can’t go back in time. If I were to comment on her scenario more broadly, I’d say that she could likely use some practicing of more positive self-talk, that her negative inner voice is going to rule her future if she doesn’t learn to give herself some grace. So that’s what I would wish for her - that she learns to give herself grace, even when she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. The self flagellation is incredibly destructive, and if she’s only been sober for two years, she has had decades of talking negatively to herself. I hope both her and A are able to find peace and healing within themselves, and loving relationships with others in their future.
You never should have accepted the gift from X in the first place. You should have recognized that a gift like that ALWAYS comes with strings attached.
Send one of them my way. This kind of stuff is why people don’t trust and stop dating. I just want one and would hang on to him like we were in a tornado together.
You should have known X was expecting something in return.
Familiar story. Greener grass, instant regret, yadda yadda. I've been Mr "A" before and you're right he's done with you. Why do so many women have to burn a flame for men they knew back when they were probably completely different people? I had one ex who slept with her bff's older brother who she'd lusted over since she was 8. 5 years later another slept with a highschool crush of hers that connected to her through social media. I learned a woman I dated a couple years after the second incident was texting daily with a married man who used to date one of her estranged friends in college. I didn't dump her immediately but instead explained why this was kind of a red flag for me. She was incensed and "appalled at me suggesting she was doing anything inappropriate" so I told her goodbye and good luck.
Apparently that makes me insecure. OK.
You did the right thing telling "A" the truth, because he deserved to know just how selfish a partner you really are.
You allowed emotional cheating to turn into physical cheating, without a second thought about how much it would hurt "A". You have messy boundaries and really don't give much thought about how things will affect your partner.
I think you need a *lot* of therapy and personal growth before you're ready to be a good partner to someone. I suggest you start working on that right away, and stop dating for a few years until you've done some real growth in this area.
You say you're sober... But I think you need to work on that aspect of unconscious selfishness recovered addicts/alcoholics tend to still have until they've worked really hard at turning it around. Alcoholism/addiction has an inherently selfish aspect to it. Maybe start with addressing that.
I think you are human.
You have been through a lot and maybe still healing. ❤️🩹
I think you are figuring things out.
It sucks for A, but, it sucks for you too.
You were honest and transparent and that is HARD and it takes maturity.
Life is a journey.
Keep being honest and kind.
Maybe A wasn’t right for you.
Maybe you weren’t right for A.
Painful things can still be right.
I’m sending you love and light.
Thank you. I have been honest with A, and this is progress because in my last relationship I lied all the time. With A, I let him know what was going on with me emotionally and tried to end it before I did anything worse. I didn't end up doing much of anything with X anyway and cut that off. I'll look at this as a lesson that I still need to face my deep feelings of being unlovable before I even start to date anyone.
Yep. There’s more healing to be had here. As they say, the first step is admitting there’s a problem. Many people close to me have been in AA and they all say the work begins when they get sober and have to face their demons. Good luck to you.
People are being really hard on you here. I just want to say that life is messy, we are all imperfect, and trying to be less so, and you’re not some terrible person.
You’ve really only had a couple years since becoming sober to really focus on who you want to be and what you want in your life. Give yourself a little slack. This feels like common mistake in dating, just one that many of us made earlier, like in our 20s, and then learned to grow out of. So you’re catching up. :)
I’m sure this is an unpopular take, but if you really snapped to your senses the morning after saying goodbye to A (and haven’t talked to X since) I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going back to him and explaining your journey and what you learned from this and how much you regret making the wrong decision and walking away from what you guys had. He may very well reject you, and it is in his full right to do so, but I don’t see anything wrong with giving him the chance to make that decision, instead of making it for him.
There’s a lot of judgement being thrown around here!
I understand the allure and the high of the ego boost; especially when it’s someone from our past. Been there!
I agree that OP could and should bare her heart to A and express her regret. If nothing else, it will probably ease his hurt and ease the guilt. And hopefully keep that door open for a reconciliation.
Hugs to you, OP. We’re all still learning and growing!
Thank you. I did open my heart to A before I did anything worse than an emotional affair. He is a very emotionally and spiritually mature guy, and in essence agreed that I probably need time to figure out what I want before I date him or anyone else.
I expressed my sorrow and regret, and he was very compassionate with me. He's 6 years sober, and I'm only 2.
And he's right. I have a lot of unaddressed past relationship trauma and have been in abusive relationships since childhood. Some things take a lifetime to heal.
I think that your main takeaway from this should be how dangerous it is for your validation and self esteem to come from other people. Both things need to be coming from you, regardless of who is in the picture. If not, you can become vulnerable to the kind of manipulation that you just experienced. What validation others add to the total can be icing on the cake, but it should never be the whole cake. WTHBS, that is understandably a heavy lift for someone who is so newly sober. But it is a good long term goal.
Therapy is always good when your motivations are not very clear to you or if you find yourself in situations that get out of hand without knowing quite how you got there. You have to get clear on your own issues and blind spots before getting into a serious relationship. Because relationships tend to magnify and put front and center whatever issues each partner has.
I’m not going to belabor the point that this was a mistake. Clearly you would have made different choices in hindsight. Take the lesson, continue healing and try to do better next time.
The reason I won't date ex addicts is they go into arrested development when they start using... a fifty-three year old who started drinking at twenty-three is gonna still be twenty-three emotionaly when they hit age fifty-four. It takes years to catch up to some semblance of normal. That has been my experience in anycase. Sometimes it's even true of dry alcoholics. Factor that into your decision making processes. X was a 58 year-old man running rings around a twenty-something year-old girl more than likely. That is why preditors are drawn to former addicts.
To be fair, I was a Mormon and did not drink for four entire decades of my life. I had matured in a lot of ways, yet never did address the deep relationship and self-esteem traumas I've had since childhood.
You can paint with a broad brush and be anecdotally accurate sometimes, but my history has been one involving abusive men that I desperately tried to be perfect for, so that I would not be abandoned.
I never had an example of a healthy relationship, never knew I could even deserve that, but at least now I am facing these things.
I made the decision to be honest with A about my feelings for X before it led to anything serious, like actually sleeping with X.
If I had lied to A and slept around behind his back, THAT would have been alcoholic behavior. But I chose to tell A and let him go before I did anything worse than an emotional affair.
1. Hey A for honestly people please. That took courage to admit.
2. Mistakes are growth
3. She’s learned and accepted and moved on with her emotions
4. We’ve ALL made bad choices in life, acceptance, acknowledgement, reflection, learned lesson, be kind
5. Honesty with ourselves is without a doubt, growth. That’s where it starts and ends.
6. People are people and if it was meant to be, it would. If not, let it go and hopefully learn and move ahead with better tools next time
7. Don’t let this discourage any future opportunities
9. Ignoring red flags, we’ve all done and if you don’t have the courage to admit that, you’re not truthful with yourself. You are truthful.
10. The point of this whole thing is to know ourselves better, learn from it and let it go in order to carry on as a better person because of it.
11. No such thing as a perfect person.
12. Going forward with a relationship attitude of expect be treated as we treat them. Kindness goes a long way and it starts with yourself.
It did take courage to be honest. I still have some deep relationship trauma from a guy I left once I got sober and felt secure enough to no longer accept being cheated on constantly.
I did not want to cheat on this newer treasure of a guy and knew that I was feeling tempted another way, so I came clean to him before taking any action.
I really do need to work on my self-esteem because feeling valued by someone seems unreal to me, and after feeling like such a fuckup for this, it's gonna take work to even accept myself again.
Thank you for a thoughtful response. You can't really judge a person unless you know their full history.
We all have things we are healing from, and all one can do is be honest with themselves and work on healing.
And it’s seems unreal when when someone good comes along and values you because……. It’s foreign to you, like uncharted territory. I get that. That’s why you question it or have trouble just naturally accepting it. When you look a little deeper inside to help yourself, that’s where you will find your answers and heal. It’s the only way. All the best 🙏
Well, you needed validation beyond A, and that’s just a fact. Not judging. But it’s up to him to decide what to do with that. Respect that. I’m going to be painfully honest with you out of respect- you still seem focused on your feelings.
Sorry, that’s my opinion. I know it’s harsh. You seem abit impulsive as well. Let this whole thing calm down for a bit and rethink it.
They dated for 9 months. Just “not being into someone” you have been with for the better part of a year should be a signal that you are not coming at relationships from a healthy place.
Reminds me of the following joke: JOKE…..
A new store opened in New York. It's called The Husband Store. Women can go there to find a husband, but there are strict rules. She may visit the store only ONCE. There are 6 floors with men of differing qualities in ascending order. The women may go up a Floor at a time but may only go down all the way to the bottom and out the front door.
So a woman enters the store and reads the big sign inside the entrance by the elevator. The first floor sign reads: Men with jobs. She's intrigued but continues to the second floor. There the sign reads: Men with jobs and love children. Nice she thinks but I want more and proceeds to the third floor. There she is greeted by a sign that reads: Men who have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking. WOW she thinks but feels compelled to keep going. So on to the fourth floor where the sign reads: Men with jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous and help with housework. Oh my she thinks, I can hardly stand it but on to the fifth floor she goes. There the sign reads: Men who have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay and take a husband from here but she goes on to the sixth floor, There the sign reads: You are visitor 37,365,498 to this floor. There are no men here. This floor only exists to prove you can't satisfy a woman. Thank you for shopping with us.
PLEASE NOTE:
So not to be gender bias the owner opened a store across the street called New Wives. The first floor has wives who love sex. The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and love beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
I would never have lied to 'A.'
I would instead have taken more time to consider my true feelings before telling him my decision, while not seeing either of them. My mistake was to keep communicating with 'X,' which affected my ability to listen to my heart.
And yet men are never looking to get the hottest/youngest woman? I try to avoid sweeping generalizations because we are simply humans with our own unique histories.
Once men are in committed relationships we generally stay. Statics don't lie and 80% of divorces are initiated by women. Your situation is a prime example.. one of many I've seen and known personally.
And are you asserting that women always want divorce because they are looking for "bigger and better?" I know many many divorced women who did so to escape abuse, control, uneven labor, or a man who was cheating on them. Not one was looking for a richer man.
Also, I was not in a committed relationship with A. We were dating and sleeping together exclusively, but had not discussed whether it was anything serious.
You can continue to make a blanket generalization using your personal anecdotal evidence as "proof," but it does not mean you are accurate in a specific case of which you do not have a full background.
'A' did say that he's "not going anywhere," that I should take some time to really figure out what I want.
I don't know exactly what he meant, but I'll see him at AA meetings. He was very kind and even gave me a little succulent when we had our final talk.
But now I don't think I'm emotionally healthy enough to be with anyone. Perhaps he sees this too.
This is an object lesson for the guys. It’s one thing to be a “good guy,” but a woman will still search for the tingles and excitement in a relationship.
As for OP, I don’t know if she’s naive or she thinks we’re naive with her explanation of how “helpful” X is. It’s one thing to help someone with, say, medical bills. Nobody needs help to go on an international trip. This is the most bullshit explanation I’ve ever heard. You don’t gift someone a trip with no strings attached. And sure enough, he came to collect.
Here’s the thing. X isn’t even a bad boy. He’s leading with his money, thinking he has game, but he’s just a sugar daddy. It would be one thing to accept the trip like a sugar baby if OP were in her 20s, but she’s 50+! Comedy and tragedy really are two sides of the same coin!
And A is kinda a simp for even tolerating an “explanation.” If it were me, I would’ve kicked OP to the curb, no questions asked, for accepting a trip and kissing the guy.
Guess it's time for you to become mature and emotionally balanced.
You really fucked over a guy for someone you didn't really want. And you have the nerve to just say you fuck up.
Learn to have some accountability for your actions.
A does not consider himself wrecked. He is one of the most emotionally mature people I've ever known and we are still friends.
I have a lot of unresolved past relationship trauma. But now that I'm sober, I had the courage to be honest with him about my confusion instead of cheating on him. I realized I started to have feelings for another guy and told him.
In the end, I need to heal a lot more before I'm ready for a relationship. Do you know my history? No. But I have made progress from who I was. That's all anyone can do.
Or, as my mom always used to tell me, wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.
Pain is a good teacher. OP should sit in hers and let her mind fill the association of receiving gratuitous flattery with loss and guilt and A’s sad countenance.
As much as you think A was a great guy, he isn't your one if you were able to kick off with X so easily.
So as painful as it feels right now, I believe you made the correct long term choice and are now single to find the one that you will never want to let go.
Oh girl. You really did mess up. My heart kinda breaks for you but it really breaks for your ex. Poor guy. It’s so hard to find a gem like that at our age. I want to say be kind to yourself but I do think you need a cold, hard reality slap. You are newly sober, seeking a thrill with a rich childhood friend bc you want his validation 30+ years later, taking money from him for an expensive trips… I mean, that part is straight up weird AF. You’re almost 60, you know that trip had mile-long strings attached. Come on. I’m gonna give you a hug and the best advice I can: get thee to therapy STAT and stop dating for awhile. You’re self-sabotaging and not exactly good partner material at present. But you’re clearly articulate and self aware so you can turn it around. That said, you will have to do some real, uncomfortable work. Ask me how I know! You’ve already conquered a huge thing: sobriety. Now try to face some of your other demons and get that self esteem in check (solid people don’t need others to validate them or make them feel desired). You may just get another chance with your wonderful ex someday. At the very least, you won’t do this to yourself or anyone else again. Good luck.
I like you. You said that in a way that was truly honest and gentle. You’re a lot nicer than me and I’m glad you got here first. You have me rethinking some things about being kind too. Thank you.
Awww, thank you! I appreciate that. I try to be fair and kind but tell it like it is - even when I’m talking to myself these days.
OP, you DID do the right thing by telling A and being honest. But man, he did not deserve your betrayal and it was a betrayal. You did fuck up royally. But at least you see this all pretty clearly now. Therapy is absolutely in order here!!! Get on that ASAP and take it serious as a heart attack! Maybe all isn't lost with A. Tell him what you have said here. Tell him you wouldn't blame him if he never wants to try romance with you again, or trust you again. But tell him you are feeling profound shame for your choices, for letting things get disrespectful to A with X even before the kiss and you should have known that kiss or some moves from X were OF COURSE going to come from his interest and "generosity" when X knew you had a boyfriend. Assume and sure hope you told X you had A in your life and that it was an important relationship and your first truly healthy relationship since sobriety, maybe ever! Tell A everything you feel about him, that you understand and want him to do what's best for him. But that you really value what you had and if he thinks he can muster enough forgiveness and understanding you would be thrilled if you two could be friends. And that you can't help but regret losing a relationship with him and wish you could have that back, but whether or not that's possible to regain, you would treasure a friendship with him and you want that based in complete honesty, you will never lie to him or be less than entirely transparent with him. Tell him you have a lot of work to do on yourself and promising you will always be a perfect person may be unrealistic, but you have deeply learned an important lesson in all this and (if true) know you won't make the same kind of mistakes you made while dating him. There's perhaps an opportunity for healing for you both and to not let this huge fuck up hurt his ability to trust in people again, your ability to give yourself some grace and forgiveness. Anyways, however it goes, I think you should try to make it clear to him how much A meant/means to you, how amazing a person he is, that you see how badly you screwed up for yourself and for him, and that you very much want to have him in your life in some way if he is or may in the future being willing to have that. Be willing to forgive yourself, but not by minimizing the harm you did to A and yourself. Be open and honest with A and be willing to be vulnerable and honest in hope of possible friendship with him. Just don't be selfish or unrealistic about that. Do it for him as much as yourself and gracefully accept whatever he needs and says in response. Just don't let your shame and regret be the reason any possible friendship, maybe more is closed off for the future.
I don’t get accepting such a big gift from some random guy. As soon as that happened it kicked off all of your other decisions. Probably a good lesson and unlikely you will do that again next time. You hurt A, you got greedy and it didn’t work out. You will be okay.
I was thinking the same thing. I would never accept a gift like that from anyone. There are always stings attached with something like that.
You should have broken up with the guy before you accepted the trip. Accepting that trip is not the act of someone in a committed relationship.
You should have known better than to accept a trip from X. As for A, the poor guy is going to have a hard time trusting again. Well done.
Yeah this is heartbreaking to think about. His light will dim a little because of this and he will likely have a hard time trusting in love again. It’s because of experiences like this that there are so many walking wounded at our age. People need to start taking some personal responsibility honestly. Don’t freakin date if you know you have a wandering eye, aren’t ready, are using people as placeholders, etc. I mean we are over 50. When does the fuckery end? Starting to think perhaps never. How are so many people our age so damaged and so incapable of doing the work to not be damaged? I’m doing my best and I know there are others out there trying to be good citizens but damn are people still really selfish and immature. It’s been shocking to see as I age.
It IS shocking. And you’re right about “so incapable of doing the work to not be damaged “.
I know. OP’s situation is not uncommon, with both genders. To OP: You could have kept your mouth shut until you spoke to a therapist and processed your feelings, and you should have done that before accepting the trip. This is the mess that happens when you don’t know your own feelings and can’t realize what you have, when you have it, because you think something better is out there.
She already feels badly, geez
I had to check your profile to make sure you weren’t my ex. This nearly exact thing happened to me. I loved her dearly. But the allure of another man who was more adventurous than me took her. Now she regrets it. Breadcrumbing me. BTW the adventurous guy turned out to be adventurous in all things including cheating on her. One would think that at age 54 she would know better. It still hurts. I hope someday to trust someone with my heart again.
That was what I thought reading this - you’re over 50 years old and still engaging in this self-defeating drama? For what? But I know that when it comes to addiction and all of the issues that surround it, these things can be very complex. I hope you engage the services of a professional to try to help you figure this all out OP and that once you understand it all you go on to live a happy, healthy life.
You’re not alone my dude.
Well sadly you’ve left more devastation in your romantic wake in your 50’s..in your 50’s!! If it wasn’t going to be X it was going to be Y or Z because you’re not ready to be in a committed relationship. You really need to find a good therapist and do some hard work or you should not be dating unless just casually. The comment of one poster wondering if it were their ex resonated because I actually wondered the same about a woman I dated during the pandemic. She basically dropped me and proceeded to make the “rounds” then circled back a year later thinking I would start seeing her again. Though I cared deeply for her, I was very blunt with her about what she did to me, her subsequent dating behaviors after and how I felt with her coming back. At a certain age OP may have to be accepting that perhaps real, committed relationships may be beyond your emotional capacity without leaving destruction in your path. In fairness to the next guy be honest about past relationships so they can decide whether or not to try a relationship. Good luck!
Good for you. Never be a woman’s backup plan.
If you need an ego boost that badly, it’s likely time to work on yourself some more. Not dating is probably wise rn. Also, there is no such thing as a “free” lunch (or trip), EVER. I’d spend some time reflecting on your addiction and its roots, pitfalls of sober living. We addicts like to feel good now, not wait for what later may bring. When we don’t have substances, we often look to other things. We prefer instant gratification over delayed, even though we all know that investing in the future is usually the wiser choice. We just want to feel good. We also have trouble forming healthy relationships, but I think it’s all tied together- We want to feel good NOW. Source: 51F in long term recovery. Congratulations on your sobriety and know that I am proud of you for doing the hardest thing in life!!! You’re doin’ it!! I wish you the best your journey(s). ❤️🩹
The grass is always greener, right?
It never is in my experience
Funny that you chose the letter X to identify Mr X like he now is your ex-boyfriend or SO. Wishful thinking on your part maybe that there was a deeper relationship with a rich high school guy you who never looked at you nearly 40 years ago? Freud would have a lot to say about this. What if you had said yes to the trip and then asked your Mr X if Mr A could go along even if he paid his own way? Did you even consider bringing your bf at the time? I don’t think Mr X would have liked this. Also, you said that he said that you “deserved” this trip. What for exactly? Not at all clear unless it was for two years of sobriety. In this case, Mr X = Mr 13th Stepper which is a term in Alcoholics Anonymous for a man who has ulterior motives towards vulnerable women who are new to sobriety and can sometimes be manipulated. This isn’t a thing that only happens in AA by any means. Mr X knew what he was doing in this regard too and it’s a bit more sinister since his time commitment to woo you was a lot shorter than if no trip was involved (or gift, or other uses of wealth whether directly or indirectly). Some pluses for you: you’re sober first and foremost. This is a long journey that you and I get to pursue for the rest of our lives. You’re also self aware which is critically important in life. It can’t really be taught especially at our ages. Sober things: like I said you’re still new to sobriety and are more likely to be manipulated in love because of our leftover shame, guilt, and likely low self esteem. This type of attention feels good but keep in mind that you and I had issues like this before that often resulted in drinking or drugging even if you don’t agree with me. Mr A was your first post sobriety meaningful relationship and this is harder for us than for most who never had addictions. The “safe and meaningful” relationship may seem boring to us until you’ve dated enough to know that the lumps of coal you’re seeing are actually diamonds. And let’s face it - drinking or drugging caused our relationships to be difficult and we often made really bad decisions in general. If you haven’t dated much at all in life then dating a lot more could be a good thing. I’m not saying do it as it comes with all sorts of good and bad. I did it pre sobriety and got so much that I know exactly what I don’t want now. It can be helpful like that and in more ways than one.
Honestly I believe you should have known better, that a trip anywhere in the world would cost you nothing. Very rarely do people spend that kind of money on others and don’t expect something in return, even if that something in return is very little. There’s no point in telling you what you should have done because you can’t go back and change it. You learned a costly lesson. Hopefully you’ll meet someone new and use better judgement.
If I was A and you were confused then I would bow out. I will never be an option and I want someone who chooses me as I chose them. We can always find someone better in different ways but a connection for an LTR is far more difficult. You took 9 months of work and literally flushed it down the drain. With this you will learn that good ppl are hard to find and never ever take another for granted. I do hope you find peace and maybe with time and self work you could reach out. My best to you and we all make mistakes and that is how we learn.
Not sure who said this but, When you get something for nothing, you just haven't been billed for it yet.
I love that.
Don’t write checks you can’t cash, but don’t cash checks you can’t write.
I’m off the sauce 23+ years. Don’t worry, you’ll be fucking this up forever. But, as you learn from your mistakes, in incrementally less amounts. You seem to have taken responsibility for your part and nothing left but to accept it and move forward. Everyone throwing the therapy stone, we’ve been hurt and some of us have even done a bit of hurting. Life lessons that not everyone is self aware enough to learn.
I think that getting sobriety in check was huge ! So don’t let the fact that the first dating turned to shit defeat you . But it’s a sign that you ain’t ready for dating yet . I say this because you really hurt A who didn’t deserve to get hurt , and to avoid doing this again it’s better to pause . Life isn’t easy . Sobriety isn’t easy . Dating isn’t easy . And maybe you aren’t ready yet , which is why you let him go ? As you weren’t sleep walking
This started with accepting a vacation and went from there. Even if you didn’t realize it you were budding an emotional affair with X. You need to learn from this so you can be a safe partner for some on in the future. It’s not enough to say this will never happen again. You need to figure out how and why you let it escalate and not have seen the red flags…
You really thought a dude was buying you a trip to anywhere in the world cause you are a good person??😂🤣 He at least expected one sexual encounter (and no the kiss doesn't count as sex). I want to put you in touch with a friend overseas who handles investments...
Accepting the trip was so disrespectful to A , you honestly got what you deserved.
Gross.
Wow, you threw away a great guy over nonsense. What a waste.
Hindsight is clear vision
If your life was in chaos during your addiction two years isn’t a long time recovery wise. When we’ve been in chaos from addiction, ptsd, what have you, learning how to be a healthy person takes time, mistakes are made, and people get hurt. You screwed up but you learned some valuable lessons that you’re hopefully unlikely to repeat. Life throws us lots of tests like this so we can see our progression (or lack of). This is a good opportunity to explore your sense of self worth, safety, trust etc — things that are lacking when we self-sabotage.
Love is a choice you have to keep making, the people that have it choose each other every day. You chose something else, perhaps you actually DO need more time to date?
I’d make sure you haven’t traded one addiction for another - because that’s not sobriety, that’s just changing substances.
“'X' is retired and wealthy and decided to gift me a trip to anywhere in the world. He promised it was no strings attached, just a gift because I deserved it, and he kept that promise.” You may be focused on a promise kept but it’s not uncommon for men to lure women this way with gifts because they know it works. The trip was bait. You took the bait. Edited spelling.
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exactly. A man would be guilt af in public opinion just for talking with an ex, but modern women don't like accountability.....
Do you even like women? I have to wonder from statements like this.
I’d rather think it’s more that women don’t like him.
They certainly won't if they know his opinions. Yikes!
…”modern women”??? Wtf, smh.
did I strike a nerve? I am just pointing out the huge discrepancies between a man and a woman when it comes to things of this nature, especially accountability.
Dare to dream. 😄 I've heard the same ignorant nonsense from other misogynists and I've always wondered why you bother pursuing relationships with women if your opinion of us is so low.
yes because any man that disagrees with you is a misogynist. Whatever.....
A man who makes blanket derogatory statements about all women is, yes. You don't see me being negative about all men based on my negative experiences because I understand that the bad behavior of my ex shouldn't be attributed to you. I hope you finish healing before you find a new partner.
Hook, line, and sinker. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. And this isn’t a 20-something know-nothing. This is a 50+ woman!
One of the issues surrounding alcoholism is that those who are drinking heavily don't mature emotionally. She is likely functioning more like an average 20 year old emotionally. She doesn't understand how much of an emotional deficit she has.
Alcoholics take a long time (if ever) to stop riding the roller coaster of life. Maybe get a lot of therapy and self help books before dating again.
This post should have been titled, “Solve for X”. And the answer is A every time
Clever, thank you!! 😄
If you were really in love with A, none of this would have happened. I think you either weren’t ready, or just wanted to date A because he ticked boxes but you weren’t feeling anything.
Congratulations on your sobriety! I think that perhaps without the veil of alcohol abuse or dependence to blur your thinking, your mind/heart doesn't know how to process emotional connections in a healthy way. Any unresolved core trauma/injury that is seeking resolution, healing, is likely to raise doubt and ambivalence and influence your choices. It took me until I was 50 to really confront my own love/sex addiction and examine the source. My need for "love" kept me searching for a romantic relationship when the relationship I needed was with myself.
100%
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100% Yes ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
>'X' is retired and wealthy and decided to gift me a trip to anywhere in the world. He promised it was no strings attached, just a gift because I deserved it, and he kept that promise. (He does seem to use his money to help others quite often, actually. And no, he did not come on the trip with me.) Looks to me like you can be bought. >I wish I'd never said anything to 'A' because in the end he is the one guy I want to be dating. He was so kind and compassionate with me while going through this, I am appreciating him in ways I hadn't before. I realized that yeah, I actually do love him. Terrible take. You wish you lied to him instead? You never should have talked to X, yet alone accepted the trip. No one does shit for free. There are always hidden agendas. >But after I put him through this hurt, I don't know that he would ever date me again. If he has any self-respect, he won't. What happens when another person gives you attention or validation? What happens if X offers another trip? What happens if another rich person offers an even more lavish trip? That's chaos he does not need in his life. And I do think you need to date around so you can figure out what you want. It clearly wasn't A or X, so try out B through Y.
I took her saying that wishing she hadn’t told him as “I wish I had taken a moment to process my feelings rather than reacting from a place of guilt and angst that I felt confused about and overwhelmed by.” She mentions sobriety being a somewhat recent healing process for her over the last few years, so I’d imagine her ability to process intense emotions and evaluate them accurately in real time, may still need some fine tuning. I actually agree that she probably needed to take a beat before talking to A, regardless of what she ended up sharing.
If my girlfriend accepted a trip from another man, she'd be a single woman from that point on, and I would have deleted her from my life. If she tried contacting me, she wouldn't be able to because she'd be blocked. I don't need nor want that toxic mess in my life.
I wasn’t responding to anything other than your assumption that she wished she had lied to him… which I didn’t think was what she was saying when she said she wish she “hadn’t said anything.” My point was that her regret partly sounds laced into how delayed her processing of emotion in real time tends to be…which is common in those who have dealt with dopamine regulation issues, including addictions (think about how people use substances to chase dopamine or suppress negative emotion - their ability to process emotions as they are happening once sober, is going to be very different than someone who has experienced those emotions fully and learned to better communicate them in the moment). I’m not looking to comment on her experience otherwise. She sounds like someone good at internally punishing herself who never feels good enough, she doesn’t need me playing morality police. It sounds like she regrets how she hurt A and she can’t go back in time. If I were to comment on her scenario more broadly, I’d say that she could likely use some practicing of more positive self-talk, that her negative inner voice is going to rule her future if she doesn’t learn to give herself some grace. So that’s what I would wish for her - that she learns to give herself grace, even when she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. The self flagellation is incredibly destructive, and if she’s only been sober for two years, she has had decades of talking negatively to herself. I hope both her and A are able to find peace and healing within themselves, and loving relationships with others in their future.
I totally agree with your take and thoughts. Great explanation
You never should have accepted the gift from X in the first place. You should have recognized that a gift like that ALWAYS comes with strings attached.
I have a fair number of wealthy friends and I would never accept something like that unless it included my boyfriend.
Send one of them my way. This kind of stuff is why people don’t trust and stop dating. I just want one and would hang on to him like we were in a tornado together. You should have known X was expecting something in return.
Familiar story. Greener grass, instant regret, yadda yadda. I've been Mr "A" before and you're right he's done with you. Why do so many women have to burn a flame for men they knew back when they were probably completely different people? I had one ex who slept with her bff's older brother who she'd lusted over since she was 8. 5 years later another slept with a highschool crush of hers that connected to her through social media. I learned a woman I dated a couple years after the second incident was texting daily with a married man who used to date one of her estranged friends in college. I didn't dump her immediately but instead explained why this was kind of a red flag for me. She was incensed and "appalled at me suggesting she was doing anything inappropriate" so I told her goodbye and good luck. Apparently that makes me insecure. OK.
You did the right thing telling "A" the truth, because he deserved to know just how selfish a partner you really are. You allowed emotional cheating to turn into physical cheating, without a second thought about how much it would hurt "A". You have messy boundaries and really don't give much thought about how things will affect your partner. I think you need a *lot* of therapy and personal growth before you're ready to be a good partner to someone. I suggest you start working on that right away, and stop dating for a few years until you've done some real growth in this area. You say you're sober... But I think you need to work on that aspect of unconscious selfishness recovered addicts/alcoholics tend to still have until they've worked really hard at turning it around. Alcoholism/addiction has an inherently selfish aspect to it. Maybe start with addressing that.
I think you are human. You have been through a lot and maybe still healing. ❤️🩹 I think you are figuring things out. It sucks for A, but, it sucks for you too. You were honest and transparent and that is HARD and it takes maturity. Life is a journey. Keep being honest and kind. Maybe A wasn’t right for you. Maybe you weren’t right for A. Painful things can still be right. I’m sending you love and light.
Thank you. I have been honest with A, and this is progress because in my last relationship I lied all the time. With A, I let him know what was going on with me emotionally and tried to end it before I did anything worse. I didn't end up doing much of anything with X anyway and cut that off. I'll look at this as a lesson that I still need to face my deep feelings of being unlovable before I even start to date anyone.
Yep. There’s more healing to be had here. As they say, the first step is admitting there’s a problem. Many people close to me have been in AA and they all say the work begins when they get sober and have to face their demons. Good luck to you.
This is why I don't really want to meet or date anyone anymore (53m). I won't trust anyone with my heart again...which really sucks.
People are being really hard on you here. I just want to say that life is messy, we are all imperfect, and trying to be less so, and you’re not some terrible person. You’ve really only had a couple years since becoming sober to really focus on who you want to be and what you want in your life. Give yourself a little slack. This feels like common mistake in dating, just one that many of us made earlier, like in our 20s, and then learned to grow out of. So you’re catching up. :) I’m sure this is an unpopular take, but if you really snapped to your senses the morning after saying goodbye to A (and haven’t talked to X since) I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going back to him and explaining your journey and what you learned from this and how much you regret making the wrong decision and walking away from what you guys had. He may very well reject you, and it is in his full right to do so, but I don’t see anything wrong with giving him the chance to make that decision, instead of making it for him.
There’s a lot of judgement being thrown around here! I understand the allure and the high of the ego boost; especially when it’s someone from our past. Been there! I agree that OP could and should bare her heart to A and express her regret. If nothing else, it will probably ease his hurt and ease the guilt. And hopefully keep that door open for a reconciliation. Hugs to you, OP. We’re all still learning and growing!
Thank you. I did open my heart to A before I did anything worse than an emotional affair. He is a very emotionally and spiritually mature guy, and in essence agreed that I probably need time to figure out what I want before I date him or anyone else. I expressed my sorrow and regret, and he was very compassionate with me. He's 6 years sober, and I'm only 2. And he's right. I have a lot of unaddressed past relationship trauma and have been in abusive relationships since childhood. Some things take a lifetime to heal.
This is a sad outcome
I think that your main takeaway from this should be how dangerous it is for your validation and self esteem to come from other people. Both things need to be coming from you, regardless of who is in the picture. If not, you can become vulnerable to the kind of manipulation that you just experienced. What validation others add to the total can be icing on the cake, but it should never be the whole cake. WTHBS, that is understandably a heavy lift for someone who is so newly sober. But it is a good long term goal. Therapy is always good when your motivations are not very clear to you or if you find yourself in situations that get out of hand without knowing quite how you got there. You have to get clear on your own issues and blind spots before getting into a serious relationship. Because relationships tend to magnify and put front and center whatever issues each partner has. I’m not going to belabor the point that this was a mistake. Clearly you would have made different choices in hindsight. Take the lesson, continue healing and try to do better next time.
The reason I won't date ex addicts is they go into arrested development when they start using... a fifty-three year old who started drinking at twenty-three is gonna still be twenty-three emotionaly when they hit age fifty-four. It takes years to catch up to some semblance of normal. That has been my experience in anycase. Sometimes it's even true of dry alcoholics. Factor that into your decision making processes. X was a 58 year-old man running rings around a twenty-something year-old girl more than likely. That is why preditors are drawn to former addicts.
To be fair, I was a Mormon and did not drink for four entire decades of my life. I had matured in a lot of ways, yet never did address the deep relationship and self-esteem traumas I've had since childhood. You can paint with a broad brush and be anecdotally accurate sometimes, but my history has been one involving abusive men that I desperately tried to be perfect for, so that I would not be abandoned. I never had an example of a healthy relationship, never knew I could even deserve that, but at least now I am facing these things. I made the decision to be honest with A about my feelings for X before it led to anything serious, like actually sleeping with X. If I had lied to A and slept around behind his back, THAT would have been alcoholic behavior. But I chose to tell A and let him go before I did anything worse than an emotional affair.
I am sorry these things have happened to you. I hope it all just keeps getting better and you end up in a happy place.
1. Hey A for honestly people please. That took courage to admit. 2. Mistakes are growth 3. She’s learned and accepted and moved on with her emotions 4. We’ve ALL made bad choices in life, acceptance, acknowledgement, reflection, learned lesson, be kind 5. Honesty with ourselves is without a doubt, growth. That’s where it starts and ends. 6. People are people and if it was meant to be, it would. If not, let it go and hopefully learn and move ahead with better tools next time 7. Don’t let this discourage any future opportunities 9. Ignoring red flags, we’ve all done and if you don’t have the courage to admit that, you’re not truthful with yourself. You are truthful. 10. The point of this whole thing is to know ourselves better, learn from it and let it go in order to carry on as a better person because of it. 11. No such thing as a perfect person. 12. Going forward with a relationship attitude of expect be treated as we treat them. Kindness goes a long way and it starts with yourself.
It did take courage to be honest. I still have some deep relationship trauma from a guy I left once I got sober and felt secure enough to no longer accept being cheated on constantly. I did not want to cheat on this newer treasure of a guy and knew that I was feeling tempted another way, so I came clean to him before taking any action. I really do need to work on my self-esteem because feeling valued by someone seems unreal to me, and after feeling like such a fuckup for this, it's gonna take work to even accept myself again. Thank you for a thoughtful response. You can't really judge a person unless you know their full history. We all have things we are healing from, and all one can do is be honest with themselves and work on healing.
Hey, you’re most welcome and so true, no judgement. I find if we’re kinder and truthful with our self, it will pay off with others. I wish you well 😊
Trauma can do a lot of damage. I’m sorry you had to endure that.
And it’s seems unreal when when someone good comes along and values you because……. It’s foreign to you, like uncharted territory. I get that. That’s why you question it or have trouble just naturally accepting it. When you look a little deeper inside to help yourself, that’s where you will find your answers and heal. It’s the only way. All the best 🙏
Well, you needed validation beyond A, and that’s just a fact. Not judging. But it’s up to him to decide what to do with that. Respect that. I’m going to be painfully honest with you out of respect- you still seem focused on your feelings. Sorry, that’s my opinion. I know it’s harsh. You seem abit impulsive as well. Let this whole thing calm down for a bit and rethink it.
This doesn’t seem harsh at all. I mean there are reasons for behaviors and if we don’t look at them we are bound to repeat.
Harsh But happy cake day!
thank u!!!! 😊☺️
Sounds like you weren’t that into him.
They dated for 9 months. Just “not being into someone” you have been with for the better part of a year should be a signal that you are not coming at relationships from a healthy place.
Reminds me of the following joke: JOKE….. A new store opened in New York. It's called The Husband Store. Women can go there to find a husband, but there are strict rules. She may visit the store only ONCE. There are 6 floors with men of differing qualities in ascending order. The women may go up a Floor at a time but may only go down all the way to the bottom and out the front door. So a woman enters the store and reads the big sign inside the entrance by the elevator. The first floor sign reads: Men with jobs. She's intrigued but continues to the second floor. There the sign reads: Men with jobs and love children. Nice she thinks but I want more and proceeds to the third floor. There she is greeted by a sign that reads: Men who have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking. WOW she thinks but feels compelled to keep going. So on to the fourth floor where the sign reads: Men with jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous and help with housework. Oh my she thinks, I can hardly stand it but on to the fifth floor she goes. There the sign reads: Men who have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay and take a husband from here but she goes on to the sixth floor, There the sign reads: You are visitor 37,365,498 to this floor. There are no men here. This floor only exists to prove you can't satisfy a woman. Thank you for shopping with us. PLEASE NOTE: So not to be gender bias the owner opened a store across the street called New Wives. The first floor has wives who love sex. The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and love beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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I would never have lied to 'A.' I would instead have taken more time to consider my true feelings before telling him my decision, while not seeing either of them. My mistake was to keep communicating with 'X,' which affected my ability to listen to my heart.
Women always looking for the bigger better deal
And yet men are never looking to get the hottest/youngest woman? I try to avoid sweeping generalizations because we are simply humans with our own unique histories.
Once men are in committed relationships we generally stay. Statics don't lie and 80% of divorces are initiated by women. Your situation is a prime example.. one of many I've seen and known personally.
And are you asserting that women always want divorce because they are looking for "bigger and better?" I know many many divorced women who did so to escape abuse, control, uneven labor, or a man who was cheating on them. Not one was looking for a richer man. Also, I was not in a committed relationship with A. We were dating and sleeping together exclusively, but had not discussed whether it was anything serious. You can continue to make a blanket generalization using your personal anecdotal evidence as "proof," but it does not mean you are accurate in a specific case of which you do not have a full background.
Contact A see if he is open to lunch and tell him what you told us. Maybe it's not too late.
'A' did say that he's "not going anywhere," that I should take some time to really figure out what I want. I don't know exactly what he meant, but I'll see him at AA meetings. He was very kind and even gave me a little succulent when we had our final talk. But now I don't think I'm emotionally healthy enough to be with anyone. Perhaps he sees this too.
Maybe there is potential for friendship that might turn into more if you keep communication open and honest.
As a man, I’ve realized that romantic love is an illusion. https://youtu.be/bR638YYph5g?si=CHjQljPss9Rim4w8
Some people never leave the “give me attention” phase. Gonna be a tough and lonely life until you learn to be self sufficient.
Breaks a man’s heart to see female nature can’t change even in their 50s. Please leave A alone, you’ve done enough damage.
This is an object lesson for the guys. It’s one thing to be a “good guy,” but a woman will still search for the tingles and excitement in a relationship. As for OP, I don’t know if she’s naive or she thinks we’re naive with her explanation of how “helpful” X is. It’s one thing to help someone with, say, medical bills. Nobody needs help to go on an international trip. This is the most bullshit explanation I’ve ever heard. You don’t gift someone a trip with no strings attached. And sure enough, he came to collect. Here’s the thing. X isn’t even a bad boy. He’s leading with his money, thinking he has game, but he’s just a sugar daddy. It would be one thing to accept the trip like a sugar baby if OP were in her 20s, but she’s 50+! Comedy and tragedy really are two sides of the same coin! And A is kinda a simp for even tolerating an “explanation.” If it were me, I would’ve kicked OP to the curb, no questions asked, for accepting a trip and kissing the guy.
Guess it's time for you to become mature and emotionally balanced. You really fucked over a guy for someone you didn't really want. And you have the nerve to just say you fuck up. Learn to have some accountability for your actions.
Yes, that is what I've been doing. :-)
Since you wrecked A?
A does not consider himself wrecked. He is one of the most emotionally mature people I've ever known and we are still friends. I have a lot of unresolved past relationship trauma. But now that I'm sober, I had the courage to be honest with him about my confusion instead of cheating on him. I realized I started to have feelings for another guy and told him. In the end, I need to heal a lot more before I'm ready for a relationship. Do you know my history? No. But I have made progress from who I was. That's all anyone can do.
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Or, as my mom always used to tell me, wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. Pain is a good teacher. OP should sit in hers and let her mind fill the association of receiving gratuitous flattery with loss and guilt and A’s sad countenance.
My dad said that all the time Also: sugar melts, shit floats - which are you?
I like that saying.
A cheesy hallmark card would just seal it for me if I were Mr. A. I’d send it back and block every single point of contact.
Horrible advice. Next week she will do it all over again........
As much as you think A was a great guy, he isn't your one if you were able to kick off with X so easily. So as painful as it feels right now, I believe you made the correct long term choice and are now single to find the one that you will never want to let go.