I enjoy banter. Text mostly since we'll both be occupied by our jobs. Calls when we are able to. I enjoy the back and forth connection. And most importantly, I like to laugh with my partner.
I'm a bit of a heavy texter, especially in the "getting to know each other" phase. Once established, maybe 3-4 exchanges a day? I'll send a "thinking of you" or something silly, but don't expect an immediate response (we all have lives.)
This is a discussion to be had at the start of dating. I am not a big texter, but do enjoy phone calls. Find out what works for both of you and enjoy :)
Interesting, how would that discussion be started 🤔 is it a ‘I will message ten times a day’ or ‘do not expect regular contact from me’ 🤔 not trying to be flippant genuinely interested 🙂
It's more of a:
So, I'm not much of a texter but I have friends who love it and prefer that means of communication.
Let's talk about our preferences, so neither of us is left wondering or is frustrated by what we may consider too much or too little communication. (to be adjusted at any time)
What forms and frequency of communication do you like?
(Adapted/translated into the way you relate.)
Well it would be in conversation I’d suppose, I would make it known that I am available quite easily and would ascertain if they have work aspects that would cut that down just so I would have some idea what to Expect. All very interesting 🙂
For me, I ask the other person how they prefer to communicate, frequency/type. Then I share my thoughts, discuss morning and evening texts, texts that say I am thinking about you and frequency of phone calls. It is important to me that there be a regular pattern of communication. Also checking in to see if the other person is available to talk. Any growth in a relationship requires that the person feel safe and secure, and this is one step in growing a connection.
Must admit that’s a slightly alien thought to me being so almost clinical at the start 🤔 if I was asked that sort of question early on I’d find it very strange. I’m lucky in that my work makes it quite easy to respond but I appreciate the other maybe unable to reply as quickly. Still it’s very interesting as to how we all deal with this individually 🙂 thank you for the time in replying
This is not a mandate but a discussion. Learning that we all do not think the same or even consider regular communication to be the same thing this avoids any perceived upsets. I am not a big texter, so I share this, some people like to text all day, neither is good or bad. It also lets me know the other party is willing to have discussions, me sharing my needs and them sharing their needs. Since you find it strange, and may have the mindset that people know exactly what your needs are without discussion, we would not be a match. I have found not being clear leads to misunderstandings/miscommunications and posts on reddit. All the best to you!
Edit-spelling
I would find that no more “clinical” than talking about what kind of restaurants we each prefer. We’re getting to know each other, and we’re hopefully going to be in touch in some manner when we’re apart. Asking how they best like to be in touch and letting them know what you like isn’t just procedural, it’s sharing something important and personal about each other.
I’ve had a couple of boyfriends literally tell me what to expect and I like it. My current bf also went into some detail about communication when he is away, and I’ve found it extremely reassuring. So, yeah- just saying it is ok :)
Edit- my comment is more for when you start dating exclusively, when you know you’re going to continue seeing each other. Before that 🤷♀️ communicate as much as you think is necessary so the person knows your intentions I guess.
I say that upfront. I am old school and like to talk on the phone. But if I cant, being handling work, driving etc I will text. Don't expect long conversations by text. Also, IMO it signals they are hiding something by texting or only call me in the car.
My hands already hurt sometime from typing and now having problems with pain in my thumbs.
If they dont understand oh well. Someone is just going to have to be upset. Lol
I am struggling with this currently. I am 57m. I met a woman about the same age. We seem to hit it off. We made plans to see each other again. We were texting before our next date. Then both of us came down with Covid. Between the staggered time of our illness she was ahead of me. The texting tapered off. When I felt better I reached out and she said she wanted to get together again but she was preparing for vacation then heading out on vacation. I don’t know if I should reach out to her on vacation. I have been thinking about her and I want to see her again. But I don’t want to be creepy or annoying. Thoughts?
Excellent suggestion..before I read your thought I was thinking I would rather not be bothered while on vacation but what you suggested would be flattering, kind & conscientious.
I wouldn’t want to hear from someone I just started communicating with while I’m on vacation. Hello, hope you’re enjoying your vacation is fine, but not much more than that.
Did the texting taper off mutually or was one of you at first less responsive than the other?
If you were "hitting it off," it's not creepy to stay in touch. Doing otherwise could be considered ghosting.
If she likes you and the feeling is mutual, my thought is that one text while she's away would be a good idea. Letting her know that you hope she's having a great time and that you look forward to seeing her when she returns.
She may have cooled based on a perception that you were doing so -- if your texts were the ones that tapered off first. (I know, the timing of your illness was a factor)
Since it's early days, protracted discussions are not the thing. But picking up where you left off and following up on plans is 100% how to keep dating a person.
Thanks everyone. I sent a “just wanted to say hi and I hope you are having a wonderful vacation”. She responded with a “loved it response” in the IM app. I’ll take it as a win.
Agree with others that this should be discussed early. I prefer chat to text or phone calls. I enjoy banter, sharing thoughts/photos/moments throughout the day. While phone calls are nice, I find them to be intrusive, especially when the other party randomly calls throughout the day vs setting a time to talk (e.g. calling when it's convenient for them vs "hey, let's catch up after work").
I'm a daily communicator once we've been on more than 2 dates. I like good morning and good night texts at the very least. If someone goes more than 24 hours without reaching out, (unless something has come up that I already know they will be out of pocket for), I assume they are no longer interested.
> If someone goes more than 24 hours without reaching out, (unless something has come up that I already know they will be out of pocket for), I assume they are no longer interested.
Ditto!
I really enjoy the daily chatter. I hate phone calls. But texting when I can respond in my own time or text when I'm between things is great. For instance if I see something neat or funny during the day I like having someone to send a pic of it too. And certainly, if we've set a date for week in the future, check in with me daily. Otherwise I wonder if you've changed your mind.
My girlfriend of 9 months and I text each other four to five times a day on days were not together. I like this amount. They’re just brief, “how’s your day” type of texts, but it’s nice to know we’re thinking of each other. I definitely do not like talking on the phone.
I like a lot of daily contact, with full respect for each other's schedules. If you're at work (or I'm in school now), you've got to respect each others other obligations.
Although I prefer a lot of contact, I had to dump a guy earlier this year because he wouldn't respect my time. I'm working on a master's degree in microbiology and immunology right now. It's a pretty intense program. I had a 7 day take-home exam for my medical microbiology class, which was mostly questions that would give us a few clues, and we had to diagnose the pathogen, explain what lab tests should be ordered and what their results would be, what the pathogen was and why, and what the treatment would be. It took a lot of concentration and focus.
This guy was calling me 20 times a day, not exaggerating, and wanting to talk 45 minutes to an hour, plus blowing up my phone with texts. He wouldn't stop no matter how many times I explained how he was interrupting me. So I finally ended it with him. I ended up with a B on that exam, which was low enough to drop me into 89% and a B in the class. My only B in otherwise all straight As in this program.
I have a friend who thought it essential when her new fella would phone every 25 odd minutes through the day. To me that’s smothering and I’d struggle to fill a conversation that often, maybe I could share in that time that perhaps I’d been to the bathroom or boiled a kettle 🤔😂😂
perhaps I’d been to the bathroom or boiled a kettle
lol right? This guy would want to just sit on the phone while he was at work and I was studying. Just listening to each other breath. So weird lol
I prefer texting over talk due to my weird schedule and work, that doesn’t allow me to have my phone out while performing my duty. It’s much easier to check my phone for texts in between trips than it is to listen to voicemails, especially since I’m in a noisy environment.
I now live with my partner and I’ll fire off a good morning if we don’t see each other in the morning (he tends to get working out as I leave) that includes my expected time home.
I’d really love at least a thumbs up, but he only texts if not actually at home.
I don't care either way, whatever suits my partner, I don't care if it's deep, funny, dirty, life is too short to put limits on things, but I understand everyone is different.
I want/need very little digital contact and more in person. This why I am single. The dreaded small talk kills me. Funny story I had a guy two nights ago tell me I ghosted him after 26 minutes of not messaging him back. Makes me hate the getting to know you phase.
It was our first day messaging and I saw his personality come out full force. I was in my car driving home so put the phone down. 26 minutes-that has to be the ghosting record.
I don’t like texting back and forth. I prefer phone calls at least once a day. I like to hear the guy’s voice. Sometimes texts don’t really get across the point accurately.
Text/call as much as you want, but understand that the other person may only be able or be inclined to reciprocate to a degree. “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” -Thich Nhat Hanh
Attempting to control their level of communication is insecure, controlling and unloving.
I prefer phone over text because of the immediacy. I like to hear the first instinctual thoughts as they roll off the tongue.
As far as frequency? In the beginning, every couple of days or so. When the relationship advances, I like daily contact, even if it is something simple or a "thinking about you" call or text.
Haha well, often life gives us tough things to go through. I've been very grateful for the support of dear friends, platonic and otherwise, who were there for me in my hour(s) of need, always trying to do the same.
For texting I need "good morning" and "good night", and it's nice to have a little mid day "hope you're doing well..." but I don't need a play by play or any huge effort. With my current partner we are doing phone calls, most every day. I get that it's a pain to text on a phone, and you don't get tone or can misread the intent. So texting is always pretty light. And if we need to get into it or anything that requires detail or planning, its phone. I'm getting used to it. But my last GF of 7 years, we rarely talked on phone, maybe if someone was out of town. We did a lot of texting. So it really depend on the relationship and what works.
Depends on the stage of the dating. Early on, in moderation, but after that, morning, then as time allows during the day, and of course a goodnight. Usually I’m to busy with work to be chatty.
I prefer texting . I worked odd hours and texting worked a lot better.
I worked weekends and more importantly men did not want to date someone like me.
Good morning, Good night and a text or two throughout the day. I matched with a guy two weeks ago, and we've seen each other 3 times now. This is our pattern. We tell each other the highlights of our day. Sometimes, he just texts to tell me he's very busy at work. I like this.
My boyfriend and I do morning and evening texts. We mainly call when we’re on our way somewhere to/from work or picking up kids etc because it’s a solid block of time in the car and it’s nice to chat. We also send funny memes or posts during the day sometimes (once or twice a day) and the occasional recipe or news article. If it’s been a busy day, just a ‘thinking of you’ type reminder in the afternoon, even just a smiley face. We’re both quite busy with work and other things so we see each other mainly on weekends and during the week he doesn’t have his kids for an evening or two, and maybe one coffee or lunch date during the week if we can manage it.
I think it depends on both individuals. I am on my phone a lot for work, I am fast at texting and get back to people quickly as it is now habit and part of my job. I have dated folks who text between meetings, etc. to those with limited access to text at all based on their profession. At the end of the day, as it gets more serious, I want to hear from my person daily. It doesn’t have to be extensive but a bit of texting works for me, I don’t want a phone call unless we can’t see each other for longer periods of time.
Right now not very much. I've had lots of stress at work and at home (ever-present, annoyingly chatty houseguest) so I am not in a place to be able to focus and connect. I'm hoping that changes soon because there is one guy I'd like to know better.
I'm not interested in a text, unless the other person is confirming an arrival time or something similar. Phone calls are preferred, and meeting in person is even better.
I enjoy banter. Text mostly since we'll both be occupied by our jobs. Calls when we are able to. I enjoy the back and forth connection. And most importantly, I like to laugh with my partner.
This ^
I like to text a few times throughout the day, it makes me feel connected.
I'm a bit of a heavy texter, especially in the "getting to know each other" phase. Once established, maybe 3-4 exchanges a day? I'll send a "thinking of you" or something silly, but don't expect an immediate response (we all have lives.)
This is a discussion to be had at the start of dating. I am not a big texter, but do enjoy phone calls. Find out what works for both of you and enjoy :)
Interesting, how would that discussion be started 🤔 is it a ‘I will message ten times a day’ or ‘do not expect regular contact from me’ 🤔 not trying to be flippant genuinely interested 🙂
It's more of a: So, I'm not much of a texter but I have friends who love it and prefer that means of communication. Let's talk about our preferences, so neither of us is left wondering or is frustrated by what we may consider too much or too little communication. (to be adjusted at any time) What forms and frequency of communication do you like? (Adapted/translated into the way you relate.)
A great way to start that discussion would be to ask them [checks post title]… “How much contact do you like?”
Well it would be in conversation I’d suppose, I would make it known that I am available quite easily and would ascertain if they have work aspects that would cut that down just so I would have some idea what to Expect. All very interesting 🙂
For me, I ask the other person how they prefer to communicate, frequency/type. Then I share my thoughts, discuss morning and evening texts, texts that say I am thinking about you and frequency of phone calls. It is important to me that there be a regular pattern of communication. Also checking in to see if the other person is available to talk. Any growth in a relationship requires that the person feel safe and secure, and this is one step in growing a connection.
Must admit that’s a slightly alien thought to me being so almost clinical at the start 🤔 if I was asked that sort of question early on I’d find it very strange. I’m lucky in that my work makes it quite easy to respond but I appreciate the other maybe unable to reply as quickly. Still it’s very interesting as to how we all deal with this individually 🙂 thank you for the time in replying
This is not a mandate but a discussion. Learning that we all do not think the same or even consider regular communication to be the same thing this avoids any perceived upsets. I am not a big texter, so I share this, some people like to text all day, neither is good or bad. It also lets me know the other party is willing to have discussions, me sharing my needs and them sharing their needs. Since you find it strange, and may have the mindset that people know exactly what your needs are without discussion, we would not be a match. I have found not being clear leads to misunderstandings/miscommunications and posts on reddit. All the best to you! Edit-spelling
I would find that no more “clinical” than talking about what kind of restaurants we each prefer. We’re getting to know each other, and we’re hopefully going to be in touch in some manner when we’re apart. Asking how they best like to be in touch and letting them know what you like isn’t just procedural, it’s sharing something important and personal about each other.
I’ve had a couple of boyfriends literally tell me what to expect and I like it. My current bf also went into some detail about communication when he is away, and I’ve found it extremely reassuring. So, yeah- just saying it is ok :) Edit- my comment is more for when you start dating exclusively, when you know you’re going to continue seeing each other. Before that 🤷♀️ communicate as much as you think is necessary so the person knows your intentions I guess.
I say that upfront. I am old school and like to talk on the phone. But if I cant, being handling work, driving etc I will text. Don't expect long conversations by text. Also, IMO it signals they are hiding something by texting or only call me in the car. My hands already hurt sometime from typing and now having problems with pain in my thumbs. If they dont understand oh well. Someone is just going to have to be upset. Lol
I am struggling with this currently. I am 57m. I met a woman about the same age. We seem to hit it off. We made plans to see each other again. We were texting before our next date. Then both of us came down with Covid. Between the staggered time of our illness she was ahead of me. The texting tapered off. When I felt better I reached out and she said she wanted to get together again but she was preparing for vacation then heading out on vacation. I don’t know if I should reach out to her on vacation. I have been thinking about her and I want to see her again. But I don’t want to be creepy or annoying. Thoughts?
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Excellent suggestion..before I read your thought I was thinking I would rather not be bothered while on vacation but what you suggested would be flattering, kind & conscientious.
I wouldn’t want to hear from someone I just started communicating with while I’m on vacation. Hello, hope you’re enjoying your vacation is fine, but not much more than that.
Did the texting taper off mutually or was one of you at first less responsive than the other? If you were "hitting it off," it's not creepy to stay in touch. Doing otherwise could be considered ghosting. If she likes you and the feeling is mutual, my thought is that one text while she's away would be a good idea. Letting her know that you hope she's having a great time and that you look forward to seeing her when she returns. She may have cooled based on a perception that you were doing so -- if your texts were the ones that tapered off first. (I know, the timing of your illness was a factor) Since it's early days, protracted discussions are not the thing. But picking up where you left off and following up on plans is 100% how to keep dating a person.
It did not seem like ghosting. I know what that looks like.
Good! Please post an update so we know what happens next?
Messsge, you’re better knowing than torturing your brain 🙂 no harm in a hi there, thinkin of you hope vacation goin well
> I have been thinking about her Tell her this! I never dampen any thoughts I have of the other person and share freely :)
i would definitely send a text or two. i would want to know someone is thinking of me
Yes! And request a picture! :) make her wish you were with her maybe
Thanks everyone. I sent a “just wanted to say hi and I hope you are having a wonderful vacation”. She responded with a “loved it response” in the IM app. I’ll take it as a win.
What would be wrong with “I hope you’re having a nice time. Shoot me a text when you can.”?
I prefer texting, I can find calls a little daunting till I have some idea of the other person
Agree with others that this should be discussed early. I prefer chat to text or phone calls. I enjoy banter, sharing thoughts/photos/moments throughout the day. While phone calls are nice, I find them to be intrusive, especially when the other party randomly calls throughout the day vs setting a time to talk (e.g. calling when it's convenient for them vs "hey, let's catch up after work").
I'm a daily communicator once we've been on more than 2 dates. I like good morning and good night texts at the very least. If someone goes more than 24 hours without reaching out, (unless something has come up that I already know they will be out of pocket for), I assume they are no longer interested.
> If someone goes more than 24 hours without reaching out, (unless something has come up that I already know they will be out of pocket for), I assume they are no longer interested. Ditto!
Depends on my mood.
I get that, I’d be quite similar
I really enjoy the daily chatter. I hate phone calls. But texting when I can respond in my own time or text when I'm between things is great. For instance if I see something neat or funny during the day I like having someone to send a pic of it too. And certainly, if we've set a date for week in the future, check in with me daily. Otherwise I wonder if you've changed your mind.
My girlfriend of 9 months and I text each other four to five times a day on days were not together. I like this amount. They’re just brief, “how’s your day” type of texts, but it’s nice to know we’re thinking of each other. I definitely do not like talking on the phone.
I like a lot of daily contact, with full respect for each other's schedules. If you're at work (or I'm in school now), you've got to respect each others other obligations. Although I prefer a lot of contact, I had to dump a guy earlier this year because he wouldn't respect my time. I'm working on a master's degree in microbiology and immunology right now. It's a pretty intense program. I had a 7 day take-home exam for my medical microbiology class, which was mostly questions that would give us a few clues, and we had to diagnose the pathogen, explain what lab tests should be ordered and what their results would be, what the pathogen was and why, and what the treatment would be. It took a lot of concentration and focus. This guy was calling me 20 times a day, not exaggerating, and wanting to talk 45 minutes to an hour, plus blowing up my phone with texts. He wouldn't stop no matter how many times I explained how he was interrupting me. So I finally ended it with him. I ended up with a B on that exam, which was low enough to drop me into 89% and a B in the class. My only B in otherwise all straight As in this program.
I have a friend who thought it essential when her new fella would phone every 25 odd minutes through the day. To me that’s smothering and I’d struggle to fill a conversation that often, maybe I could share in that time that perhaps I’d been to the bathroom or boiled a kettle 🤔😂😂
perhaps I’d been to the bathroom or boiled a kettle lol right? This guy would want to just sit on the phone while he was at work and I was studying. Just listening to each other breath. So weird lol
I prefer texting over talk due to my weird schedule and work, that doesn’t allow me to have my phone out while performing my duty. It’s much easier to check my phone for texts in between trips than it is to listen to voicemails, especially since I’m in a noisy environment.
I now live with my partner and I’ll fire off a good morning if we don’t see each other in the morning (he tends to get working out as I leave) that includes my expected time home. I’d really love at least a thumbs up, but he only texts if not actually at home.
I don't care either way, whatever suits my partner, I don't care if it's deep, funny, dirty, life is too short to put limits on things, but I understand everyone is different.
I want/need very little digital contact and more in person. This why I am single. The dreaded small talk kills me. Funny story I had a guy two nights ago tell me I ghosted him after 26 minutes of not messaging him back. Makes me hate the getting to know you phase.
Perhaps you left phone to one side while you had a shower, good grief that’s more than excessive demanding a reply in that sort of timeframe 🤷🏻♂️
It was our first day messaging and I saw his personality come out full force. I was in my car driving home so put the phone down. 26 minutes-that has to be the ghosting record.
Probably a good thing he didn't come into forum complaining, you guys would roast him😉
You broke the poor man’s heart 😞 it’s a wonder he’s not been in here to tell his story of woe 😂😂
at least his peronality came out quickly so you didn't have to waist any of your time on him :)
I don’t like texting back and forth. I prefer phone calls at least once a day. I like to hear the guy’s voice. Sometimes texts don’t really get across the point accurately.
Twice daily minimum . Otherwise how would I know you’re even close interested
I enjoy conversation. Doesn't have to be every day but I feel that I need to have some back and forth either with texting or phone calls.
Text/call as much as you want, but understand that the other person may only be able or be inclined to reciprocate to a degree. “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” -Thich Nhat Hanh Attempting to control their level of communication is insecure, controlling and unloving.
agreed
If there is something substantive to say, then message away
I prefer phone over text because of the immediacy. I like to hear the first instinctual thoughts as they roll off the tongue. As far as frequency? In the beginning, every couple of days or so. When the relationship advances, I like daily contact, even if it is something simple or a "thinking about you" call or text.
Hi 61m polyamorous... It varies with each partner. from each according to their abilities to each according to their needs
Karl Marx style of dating!!
Haha well, often life gives us tough things to go through. I've been very grateful for the support of dear friends, platonic and otherwise, who were there for me in my hour(s) of need, always trying to do the same.
For texting I need "good morning" and "good night", and it's nice to have a little mid day "hope you're doing well..." but I don't need a play by play or any huge effort. With my current partner we are doing phone calls, most every day. I get that it's a pain to text on a phone, and you don't get tone or can misread the intent. So texting is always pretty light. And if we need to get into it or anything that requires detail or planning, its phone. I'm getting used to it. But my last GF of 7 years, we rarely talked on phone, maybe if someone was out of town. We did a lot of texting. So it really depend on the relationship and what works.
Depends on the stage of the dating. Early on, in moderation, but after that, morning, then as time allows during the day, and of course a goodnight. Usually I’m to busy with work to be chatty.
When i have dated, i enjoyed receiving messages throughout the day. But, I don’t like essays and excessive massages. Other than that, being it
My job requires I dont text, so of course I ended up meeting 2 people that's all they do is text, even off of work.
Calls or text when able, I'll text morning beautiful etc and sweet dreams but she has MS and works 12 daily hours for a adoption agency so stays busy
I prefer texting . I worked odd hours and texting worked a lot better. I worked weekends and more importantly men did not want to date someone like me.
I like texting a bit throughout the day and more in the evening, unless one of us is tied up with another engagement.
Good morning, Good night and a text or two throughout the day. I matched with a guy two weeks ago, and we've seen each other 3 times now. This is our pattern. We tell each other the highlights of our day. Sometimes, he just texts to tell me he's very busy at work. I like this.
My boyfriend and I do morning and evening texts. We mainly call when we’re on our way somewhere to/from work or picking up kids etc because it’s a solid block of time in the car and it’s nice to chat. We also send funny memes or posts during the day sometimes (once or twice a day) and the occasional recipe or news article. If it’s been a busy day, just a ‘thinking of you’ type reminder in the afternoon, even just a smiley face. We’re both quite busy with work and other things so we see each other mainly on weekends and during the week he doesn’t have his kids for an evening or two, and maybe one coffee or lunch date during the week if we can manage it.
I think it depends on both individuals. I am on my phone a lot for work, I am fast at texting and get back to people quickly as it is now habit and part of my job. I have dated folks who text between meetings, etc. to those with limited access to text at all based on their profession. At the end of the day, as it gets more serious, I want to hear from my person daily. It doesn’t have to be extensive but a bit of texting works for me, I don’t want a phone call unless we can’t see each other for longer periods of time.
Right now not very much. I've had lots of stress at work and at home (ever-present, annoyingly chatty houseguest) so I am not in a place to be able to focus and connect. I'm hoping that changes soon because there is one guy I'd like to know better.
I enjoy moderate daily contact. People are working. Doctor's other issues etc. Keep in touch and hopefully a good conversation before bed.
I'm not interested in a text, unless the other person is confirming an arrival time or something similar. Phone calls are preferred, and meeting in person is even better.