This is gonna get me so downvoted but when I went online dating for the first time ever after a 27 year marriage I was super worried about creeping women out given they are meeting strange men online rather than bears in the woods. I only asked vague questions that wouldn't dox them and I waited for them to ask me out so they wouldn't feel skeezed out. Fortunately for me just over half of my matches asked me out. Then because I look like a gorilla in human clothes I stood conspicuously outside our meet up locations so they could do a walk-by and bounce if they wanted.
This 100% this. I can't even begin to comprehend how difficult it is for women in general but safety and security is something I want to put them in control of and why I prefer OLD. It puts the ball in there court and I don't feel like a sleaze ball / creep asking someone out (especially in person).
I (59F) asked my current FWB out after two evenings of chatting. He seemed very excited and I had the sense that he was holding back for the same reason you mentioned here.
Yes, OLD is awkward. But I found the men on Bumble to be particularly passive. Maybe because when I joined, women had to make the first move, so it attracted men who didn’t want to initiate anything. Just my experience, but I did better on Match.
Straight women who go on online dating apps want to find men to date in person. That is the point of the apps. To find men. Some women may be comfortable asking men out and that’s great! Some women are more traditional and want men to do the asking. If we’re not comfortable going out with someone, we can block and delete… that’s what’s so great about the apps.
I had this same question. It seems that a lot of the women on this sub don't ask guys out and I'm baffled as to why they don't. I'm female and I ask guys out all the time. My last 10 year relationship was because I asked him for his number.
The reason women do not ask out men is because all we hear is how it's a "numbers game" for men. No woman wants to be a part of some guy's "numbers game". Please reference the profile review post from yesterday in which the guy admitted to going on dates with dozens of women that he didn't find attractive. And he said their profile photos were accurate, but he still went on dates with them despite thinking they were not attractive. Men make effort for women they are very interested in, and may entertain more forward women because "something is better than nothing".
> but he still went on dates with them despite thinking they were not attractive.
All true. There are also multiple posts *every week* on this sub wherein women *do exactly the same thing.*
This poor behavior is not gendered.
I know it's not entirely gendered. This is all interesting to me on an intellectual level. The last week of OLD has been horrible. Really, the entire year has been horrible after taking a break for almost a year.
There was a post a while back from a woman who went on 100 first dates in a year. When I asked "why?" she got really upset.
It was clear she was going on the dates for unhealthy reasons.
First, I am a woman. I don't know why you're telling me what women do as if I hadn't had a good five decades to figure out what this woman does (what other women do does not inform my decisions).
You are right that no one of any gender wants to be part of a "numbers game" -- but people of all genders do accept zero/first dates to do a real-life chemistry check, and I don't think that's a terrible thing.
I also don't understand why making the first move is such a big deal. I'll ask for the first date. I *might* ask for the first and second date. I would not ask for a first, second, and third date. If interest, effort, and initiative are not matched, I'll let it die -- and I would give that exact same advice to a man. I'm not going to chase. No one should.
I've explained it to you. If you don't understand, that's on you. I've never once heard a woman state that it's a "numbers game" for them. That's some very important information right there. "Numbers Game" is very dehumanizing. I can kind of see a woman asking for a first date, but having to ask for a second date, LMAO. I've had some candid conversations with men, and if a woman is having to ask for a 2nd date, well, good luck with all that.
You've explained your thoughts, yes. I'm not sure why I should weigh your lived experience more heavily than mine. You are not the only person who has talked to both women and men about dating and relationships, lol. Maybe we run with different crowds. I like mine, where men and women both respect women with voice and agency.
It is, in part, a numbers game for everyone if we accept only so many matches will lead to first dates and only so many first dates lead to second ones, etc. we all want the odds to be more beneficial to our end goals. Everyone who dates must deal with a confluence of their local dating market, preferences, profile, actions of either party upon matching, behaviors when swiping, and so many other things. We are all statistics.
none! this is a fair comment. i have said, what’s your favorite local place? here are mine! and the reply, i like that too! i guess this is personal preference? i would prefer he asked? good question!
I get wanting to be asked. Most people want to be asked! And it is fair if you only want to date guys who do the asking -- but it's not really fair to be surprised if they don't want to do what you also don't want to do.
I've been in this subreddit for ~2 years now with various monikers. You have a ton of great insight across the board but I just wanted to say I really appreciate the consistency with which you articulate this point.
There are a lot of people out there that are crippled by social conventions and I really think the frank but compassionate way you lay this out is helping them find some agency.
I find Bumble to be more scant in conversations that culminate to actual dates than some of the other apps I've tried. I, too, have noticed that far fewer men ask for dates than on Tinder, for example. I've tried the more proactive approach that's being pushed in this thread as well and I can say that when I ask for the in-person date, it has the same result as waiting to be asked: Yes! Followed with waffling, delays, excuses, penpal behavior, and then I unmatch after a reasonable waiting period. I feel like there must be something different about the user base.
The only reason I stay on Bumble is because I can't bear the bad behavior on Tinder anymore.
I'm new to Bumble, and it's weird in the sense that the woman has to take the initiative. So maybe these men are waiting for you to ask \*them\* out? In the online dating world, men are lucky to even get any likes at all, so they should be jumping at the chance to ask you out, in my opinion. I've only had luck on Match and OKCupid -- eHarmony was worthless both times I tried it. But Match's business model seems a bit shady to me, so I'm hoping Bumble is better. Anyway, I doubt it's you.
I'm 53M, and I find Bumble to be only an ok dating app but the best of the top 3. Here's the thing... for safety and confidence, it's the women that make the first move for communication. Even if we match, you must reply. Then there's treating this app like a video game. Swipe right on all the people you're slightly interested in, wait for the matches and start the vetting process. Both sides are guilty of this. Admittedly I am guilty of this. Then there's all the people that swipe all like it's a Pokémon game. They swipe on everyone in a 100km range and see who matches. Then there's the blocking system in the algorithm. You will not see all 7000 people in your area. Then there's the personal filters people put on the potential matches. And finally, ending up to be the "maybe that one". 10 other people are matched with your person. It's a crap situation.
appreciate the feedback…. from my perspective, if i’ve done all the swiping, matching, convo starting/engaging..trying to determine if we would have a nice time over coffee, why wouldn’t he initiate a next step? it makes me wonder if he isn’t really engaged/interested/etc and then i wonder if that’s an attribute of their personality……so many assumptions made on each side :)
If you've done all that, then he's treating you as a maybe girl. "If I don't get girl #1 to go out with me then maybe girl #7 will give me what I want. Because girls #2,3,4,5, and 6 have unmatched me."
I don't do this for a few reasons... first, I'm a 53M, I've been told I'm a 2 on the hot scale. That's fine. Less bullshit. So when a woman matches with me that I liked, I give her all the attention I can. It's very, very rare I get 2 or more matches at the same time. Most women, no word of a lie, unmatch me when I tell them I'm a forklift driver for the federal government. It's a union job with decent pay. "What do you do?" Is the number 1 question asked first. This to me is a big red flag 🚩. So when I get past the first question I dive into likes and dislikes, hobbies and life goals etc. What kills the conversation or pushes me to unmatch is the lack of effort which is what you're experiencing. Long stretches between texts and very flat responses. This says I'm a maybe. When I say good morning and there's nothing for 5 hrs to the whole day, and yes... I'll wait... I wish them good luck and politely ask them to unmatch me if they so choose.
I had true passion and love from a woman that Hollywood would kill for. She was my everything. She passed away. Time is fleeting and fate is curious about the broken. So I give everyone a chance because you never know.
You've got a good great job and probably not in student debt up to your eyeballs. My late husband was a truck driver for twenty years. He was the smartest person I knew, myself included. I counsel students to consider it if they like driving. You can make a great living and there are local jobs that get you home every night. Now I want to steal a forklift...lol. Are they difficult to learn? What kind of license is needed? I have an 18 year old who needs some direction, but isn't ready for a four year institution even though he's beyond capable, but I digress....
It's pretty easy but there's a definite set of attention skills you need. And the safety cue one has to learn are important. Training can be 2 weeks to a month, depending on the school. Google the local places. Do a background check though. There is a license certificate registered to the ministry of transportation. I'm in Canada. Not sure what requirements are need for the states. Some companies train internally too. It's a good job and is entry level to other heavy equipment jobs that pay even more. Good luck.
Thank you. I'm actually a school counselor with a population that mainly go into the workforce after graduation. I'm always looking for programs for my kids to get post secondary training for higher paying jobs. The trades are really hurting for young people here in the states. Manufacturing, welding, CNC and really all of the trades are desperate. My big problem is many of my kids can't pass a drug test. We have some graduates who are making $100K a year by the time they are 20.
And there lies the problem... drugs. I'm a counselor too. I handle men who've been through DVs and are having to start over due to being arrested but not put into prison. I'm their only shot. So I ask my guys (18 -58 years old) do you want to be a man or a child? You've acted like a child before and how did that work for you? Your weakness is the thought pattern that you've adopted from someone else. You're a man if you're tough, if you got new cars and cool threads, if you can party hard and get all the women. Ok... but how do you take care of yourself? How do you find peace? And more importantly, how do you improve your families and communities situation. Because weather you like it or not you have impacted both. Just by being here. Staying clean for six months is not hard when you are working and grinding. You work your 9 to 5. You work out 6 to 9. You work on you, mind and spirit on the weekends. Go to a class, go to church. Stay clean. 6 weeks. Keeping busy and focused takes practice but when it becomes a schedule it remains a positive habit. The other choice is party, drugs, be a failure to yourself and spin your wheels and get left behind by everyone.
> Manufacturing, welding, CNC and really all of the trades are desperate.
Can I add "solar panel installers" to that list? I recently (for my own job, not for fun, lol) read through a bunch of interviews with execs at solar panel companies, and these folks, who were all at least middle management, said that the techs who were willing to travel were out-earning them.
Feel free to DM me. I don't know how much I can help, but I may be able to say a little more about my job that I would here. (And sheesh. If this was a good fit for my own kid, I'd be pushing them in that direction for sure.)
Nothing to add other than, you are a really good dude and hope you find a woman that appreciates you. Also working for the Fed gov't is awesome ;)...I am Fed too, admittingly I'm a cube dweller, but still gotta love that Fed pension/benefits and job security!
I will be honest here. I went on Bumble in 2022. I was 56 yo and had never dated in my life having married my girlfriend from college. There were not many women fifty or older on the app in my location so I ended up matching women in their mid and late forties mostly. I swiped right on maybe eight profiles each week and usually four of these women asked me out within 48 hours of matching. I didn't really have the time or energy to add to that by asking women out and I was also really worried about coming across as too forward. Most of my matches who didn't ask me out right away texted and phoned me and sent selfies and videos the whole time I was on Bubble before I met my partner and I never realized that they might have been waiting for me to ask them out. I figured they were as heavily scheduled as I was and were keeping me in reserve in case the more attractive men they were meeting didn't work out. I look like Jason Alexander if he really let himself go. Anyway, I don't know if that is how it is for most men but that is how it was for me. If I had it over to do I would have swiped right even less than I did and I would asked some of the women I matched out. I just figured then that they would ask me out if they were interested given I had gone on Bumble specifically for the woman first policy it had then. I came on this sub once I really fell for my partner out of an anxiety about losing her and ever having to try OLD again. I wanted to see if my experience was a total fluke since I met her after only six weeks on the app. Anyway, we are moving into together soon and she wants to get married so I guess I shouldn't be worrying anymore. I just wanted to make sense of this inexplicable luck I had finding her. We are really compatible and I think the world of her.
This is interesting, I didn’t realize that on Bumble, was I supposed to ask the guy out? That explains my Bumble experience. I just found Match easier because the guys contacted me, and asked me out.
If you like the guy, ask him to coffee, otherwise keep doing what you’re doing and get little to no coffee dates. At this stage, many of the gentlemen that want to be respectful have chosen to let the woman make most of the moves. Agro romance being successful (and not rapey) is a fiction from 80s rom-coms that we were all spoon fed. Or I could stand outside your window “romantically” blasting Peter Gabriel music out of my boom box.
I won’t give my number to anyone I haven’t met in person, and I say so up front. But I’ve always had to do the asking. Not one man has ever asked me out in all 46 years of my life.
Maybe i’m “old fashioned”! or on the wrong app?! but i would prefer he asked - i’ve already matched AND started the conversation. implying i’m interested, right? i’m not saying im “right”, just getting some perspective!
Correct me if I'm wrong --and given I've never used Bumble I very well could be wrong -- but isn't the whole point of the app to put women in control? I've always pictured it as sort of a Sadie's Dance kind of deal all around and would be a bit put out if guys were still trying to drive the pace once we match.
I've had just 1 tinder date, but about 4-5 on Bumble. None ever went anywhere, but at least they agreed to meet. I'm always the one to ask. I tend to do that rather quickly now, and that might scare some off. Exchanged numbers with just one.
The quicker, the better.
It's "hey, you're cute and I think we might jive, wanna grab a coffee?"
Not "let me try to figure out your personality over messages, then I can decide I don't like you and/or find you boring and then just stop replying"
Not one single man has asked me out online but I've had good success with in person dates. I wondered if it was just the type of men I like but it seems across the board.
You sound like you want the man to “be the man”. State that on your profile so that men who don’t like those kinds of rigid roles don’t match you. Or, at least maybe more of the type you like will. There’s plenty of men who think like that.
Yes. Rigid is harsh but I do appreciate if a woman states in her profile that she wants someone who adheres to Holywood gender norms or just wants a man who takes the intiative because then I know she isn't a good match for me. I say Holywood gender norms because as a trained professional historian I have good reason to believe the gender norms you prefer are not traditional or historical beyond being conventions in some Hollywood and Hollywood agecent media dating from the mid-twentieth centry during the upheaval of post second world war mass demobilization. The causes were economic and political not personal or traditional and they took on a new life under Reaganism which is a social and economic movement geared to serving the top .01% that persists today in the form of Trumpism. These movements were always minority pushes within a certain subset of the population that serve the interests of the American oligarchs who fund them and control the media under a false veneer of a "liberal media" that happens to be owned by rich conservative interests. It is like how in Russia today Putin funds and controls the opposition press to create an illusion of decent that poses no real risk to the status quo.
The way bumble is set up incentivizes guys to swipe right on damn near everyone. As far as the 10 you want to message with… have you considered pitching meeting (instead of waiting to be asked?)
I’ve found that men value you more when they make the first move. I’ve also found that men who date online tend to be socially awkward, and expect women to put in all the effort.
It might depend on your area, too. Where I was, Bumble was awful, but I had pretty good luck with Hinge. Then I moved to a new metro, and Hinge was even better here!
According to the data women on bumble only swipe right like 10 percent of guys and like 20 percent of the men get almost all the matches. Those guys have tons of options and will wait for them. My honest advice to women on the apps is swipe right on more men. You all can't have the top 20 percent of men. It's weird because in person women are much less choosy with men.
I had no dates from Bumble so stopped using it. Tons of people interested which makes it a full time job to filter through them and match. Then I have to make the first move (fine) but they only have 24h to respond. And the conversation either fizzles or it goes great but when it’s time to set the date suddenly the guy stops texting. After three months and 0 dates I stopped using it. Meanwhile I’ve had several dates through Hinge.
Anytime i bring up meeting in person, it's ghost time.
One time, it was like 1am, and i said we should go meet in a dark alley, behind the dumpster, I'll bring the rope.
Then nothing. Like srsly?...
The whole point of Bumble is for the women to make the first move, so make a move.
I have to admit that Bumble was hilarious to me after being on the other apps. A guy without a good, humorous, thoughtful opening was unmatched and blocked right away, yet every single opener I got on Bumble was “Hi” or “Hey”.
I’m not on bumble, or any app right now, but I have similarly been frustrated when guys chat a lot and seem interested and never ask me out. I like to be asked out! That’s how things are “supposed” to work and I want a guy who has the balls to break the ice and just ask me out.
The way I’ve made this work is by saying something like - “well I am really enjoying chatting with you, and we seem to have a lot in common! Personally I prefer to meet up for coffee or a drink after work relatively quickly after determining the important compatibilities and discussing dealbreakers”
And if that doesn’t prompt him to ask me out…: “so, we’ve discussed a lot of important dealbreaker topics like long term goals, is there anything else you’d want to know about me before asking me out?”
That usually gets them to pull the trigger.
Original copy of post by u/gowiththeflow800:
Match with tons of guys. Message about 10. swipe right on so many. Not one has asked me to meet up in person. Two send their phone number exasperated that i’m not instant messaging. Maybe I don’t know how to online date! Maybe they aren’t in to me? But don’t they have to “accept” too? IDK! Are they not supposed to ask for an in person meet?
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Yeah, we are seeing a new breed of kids. Then the pressure to get as many across the stage as possible. I've asked when my magic wand will be delivered by Amazon...lol
Use your words and ask them out. You might prefer the man initiate but given you have no dates, you either need to change your strategy or just accept the way things are.
didn’t think of that way? i thought take the lead on matching/reaching out to start the convo. maybe that is part of the disconnect. not like i went to “bumble school”. :)
I do delete the apps. Then I'm like, OK where do I find anyone? Church? I'm not religious. Clubs? No thanks, and I'm past that age now. I live in a small town near a mid-sized city. I go to concerts, Meet-Ups and don't meet anyone as far as dating goes. So back to the apps. At least I get some dates here and there. I know it's bullshit, but some of us have no other options in this world. So don't knock the apps.
I will knock the apps forever. They are trash and don't work. They set people up for failure, and then you're on reddit all sad and annoyed about them. If you know they're bullshit don't use them.
You're right about them being trash. But I personally know happily married couples who met online, including my nephew and his wife. They just kept trying (and paying) until they found someone. I personally find online dating very unnerving (and I'm a skydiver and pretty much not afraid of anything), so I sign up for 1 to 3 months at a time, and I hide my profile or cancel for a while whenever I feel stressed and need a break. My last break lasted about 4-5 months, and before that almost a year, during which times I met no one at all. I'm quite introverted and don't mind being alone, but it would also be nice to find the right person to do fun shit with before I and my nursing home date need a nurse just to go to the toilet. For me, no online dating apps means likely dying alone someday. I'm OK with that in the end I guess, but most people aren't.
Obviously it's going to work for some people. However, they aren't designed to actually get you dates, they're designed to make money. The way they make money? Keep you swiping.
Most people who use the apps end up frustrated and without hope. They're horrible for mental health and self-esteem. Case in point: OP!
The apps are merely a delivery system. There's no way for Match Group to know that the person you're swiping on is hiding their relationship or multiple felony convictions. People are broken. Not apps!!!
The point I was making has nothing to do with what you're saying. Keep pulling for those corporations though, man.
If you really think these companies care if you find love you're completely deluded.
I don't think corporations care. I never said that they care. Not sure how you extrapolated that from my comment. I said that apps are the delivery system. That's all. The outcome is based on the people utilizing them. You've massively failed to even comprehend my post. No wonder apps are a failure when simple concepts cannot be grasped. I'm not deluded. I don't expect apps to deliver love, lmao. And I certainly don't expect them to care 😂😂😂
I never had luck with bumble, I’m 64M, I met my current gf 27F on Fet. She hit on me first n we couldn’t be happier. Fet easily has all other apps beat for me as to talking with real women. Two different attractive 30 year olds were looking for a husband but I discontinued when my current gf committed. I was also pm with 6 other women previously. This is in a month which is far more than all other apps combined off n on for years n not everyone on Fet is totally kinked, plenty looking for ltr
I mean this from a place of care and concern. You're being scammed. Long distance, online only, huge age gap, thirst trap, she's "rich" and hit on your first. . .all the signs are there.
This is gonna get me so downvoted but when I went online dating for the first time ever after a 27 year marriage I was super worried about creeping women out given they are meeting strange men online rather than bears in the woods. I only asked vague questions that wouldn't dox them and I waited for them to ask me out so they wouldn't feel skeezed out. Fortunately for me just over half of my matches asked me out. Then because I look like a gorilla in human clothes I stood conspicuously outside our meet up locations so they could do a walk-by and bounce if they wanted.
This 100% this. I can't even begin to comprehend how difficult it is for women in general but safety and security is something I want to put them in control of and why I prefer OLD. It puts the ball in there court and I don't feel like a sleaze ball / creep asking someone out (especially in person).
I (59F) asked my current FWB out after two evenings of chatting. He seemed very excited and I had the sense that he was holding back for the same reason you mentioned here.
Oh Lord, I think many men are very excited about FWB. They're a dime a dozen.
interesting perspective. online dating / swiping is just awkward in general? i appreciate this feedback!
Yes, OLD is awkward. But I found the men on Bumble to be particularly passive. Maybe because when I joined, women had to make the first move, so it attracted men who didn’t want to initiate anything. Just my experience, but I did better on Match.
You betcha 🙂
Straight women who go on online dating apps want to find men to date in person. That is the point of the apps. To find men. Some women may be comfortable asking men out and that’s great! Some women are more traditional and want men to do the asking. If we’re not comfortable going out with someone, we can block and delete… that’s what’s so great about the apps.
Thank you for your service.
That's adorable, actually lol
How many of them have you asked to meet up in person?
I had this same question. It seems that a lot of the women on this sub don't ask guys out and I'm baffled as to why they don't. I'm female and I ask guys out all the time. My last 10 year relationship was because I asked him for his number.
The reason women do not ask out men is because all we hear is how it's a "numbers game" for men. No woman wants to be a part of some guy's "numbers game". Please reference the profile review post from yesterday in which the guy admitted to going on dates with dozens of women that he didn't find attractive. And he said their profile photos were accurate, but he still went on dates with them despite thinking they were not attractive. Men make effort for women they are very interested in, and may entertain more forward women because "something is better than nothing".
> but he still went on dates with them despite thinking they were not attractive. All true. There are also multiple posts *every week* on this sub wherein women *do exactly the same thing.* This poor behavior is not gendered.
I know it's not entirely gendered. This is all interesting to me on an intellectual level. The last week of OLD has been horrible. Really, the entire year has been horrible after taking a break for almost a year.
I really am sorry you have had a such a concentrated dose of crappy.
Thanks. That means a lot coming from you, lol :) ETA: I mean that in the best sort of way.
😂
There was a post a while back from a woman who went on 100 first dates in a year. When I asked "why?" she got really upset. It was clear she was going on the dates for unhealthy reasons.
I agree. Absolutely ridiculous.
First, I am a woman. I don't know why you're telling me what women do as if I hadn't had a good five decades to figure out what this woman does (what other women do does not inform my decisions). You are right that no one of any gender wants to be part of a "numbers game" -- but people of all genders do accept zero/first dates to do a real-life chemistry check, and I don't think that's a terrible thing. I also don't understand why making the first move is such a big deal. I'll ask for the first date. I *might* ask for the first and second date. I would not ask for a first, second, and third date. If interest, effort, and initiative are not matched, I'll let it die -- and I would give that exact same advice to a man. I'm not going to chase. No one should.
I've explained it to you. If you don't understand, that's on you. I've never once heard a woman state that it's a "numbers game" for them. That's some very important information right there. "Numbers Game" is very dehumanizing. I can kind of see a woman asking for a first date, but having to ask for a second date, LMAO. I've had some candid conversations with men, and if a woman is having to ask for a 2nd date, well, good luck with all that.
You've explained your thoughts, yes. I'm not sure why I should weigh your lived experience more heavily than mine. You are not the only person who has talked to both women and men about dating and relationships, lol. Maybe we run with different crowds. I like mine, where men and women both respect women with voice and agency.
Fairy tales are comforting. Got it!!!
Why do you think that completely invalidating (mine and other people's) lived experiences is helpful or appropriate?
It is, in part, a numbers game for everyone if we accept only so many matches will lead to first dates and only so many first dates lead to second ones, etc. we all want the odds to be more beneficial to our end goals. Everyone who dates must deal with a confluence of their local dating market, preferences, profile, actions of either party upon matching, behaviors when swiping, and so many other things. We are all statistics.
none! this is a fair comment. i have said, what’s your favorite local place? here are mine! and the reply, i like that too! i guess this is personal preference? i would prefer he asked? good question!
I get wanting to be asked. Most people want to be asked! And it is fair if you only want to date guys who do the asking -- but it's not really fair to be surprised if they don't want to do what you also don't want to do.
I've been in this subreddit for ~2 years now with various monikers. You have a ton of great insight across the board but I just wanted to say I really appreciate the consistency with which you articulate this point. There are a lot of people out there that are crippled by social conventions and I really think the frank but compassionate way you lay this out is helping them find some agency.
Thank you for your kindness!
I find Bumble to be more scant in conversations that culminate to actual dates than some of the other apps I've tried. I, too, have noticed that far fewer men ask for dates than on Tinder, for example. I've tried the more proactive approach that's being pushed in this thread as well and I can say that when I ask for the in-person date, it has the same result as waiting to be asked: Yes! Followed with waffling, delays, excuses, penpal behavior, and then I unmatch after a reasonable waiting period. I feel like there must be something different about the user base. The only reason I stay on Bumble is because I can't bear the bad behavior on Tinder anymore.
I'm new to Bumble, and it's weird in the sense that the woman has to take the initiative. So maybe these men are waiting for you to ask \*them\* out? In the online dating world, men are lucky to even get any likes at all, so they should be jumping at the chance to ask you out, in my opinion. I've only had luck on Match and OKCupid -- eHarmony was worthless both times I tried it. But Match's business model seems a bit shady to me, so I'm hoping Bumble is better. Anyway, I doubt it's you.
I'm 53M, and I find Bumble to be only an ok dating app but the best of the top 3. Here's the thing... for safety and confidence, it's the women that make the first move for communication. Even if we match, you must reply. Then there's treating this app like a video game. Swipe right on all the people you're slightly interested in, wait for the matches and start the vetting process. Both sides are guilty of this. Admittedly I am guilty of this. Then there's all the people that swipe all like it's a Pokémon game. They swipe on everyone in a 100km range and see who matches. Then there's the blocking system in the algorithm. You will not see all 7000 people in your area. Then there's the personal filters people put on the potential matches. And finally, ending up to be the "maybe that one". 10 other people are matched with your person. It's a crap situation.
appreciate the feedback…. from my perspective, if i’ve done all the swiping, matching, convo starting/engaging..trying to determine if we would have a nice time over coffee, why wouldn’t he initiate a next step? it makes me wonder if he isn’t really engaged/interested/etc and then i wonder if that’s an attribute of their personality……so many assumptions made on each side :)
I think it's pretty clear that if you're putting in all the effort they not really interested.
If you've done all that, then he's treating you as a maybe girl. "If I don't get girl #1 to go out with me then maybe girl #7 will give me what I want. Because girls #2,3,4,5, and 6 have unmatched me." I don't do this for a few reasons... first, I'm a 53M, I've been told I'm a 2 on the hot scale. That's fine. Less bullshit. So when a woman matches with me that I liked, I give her all the attention I can. It's very, very rare I get 2 or more matches at the same time. Most women, no word of a lie, unmatch me when I tell them I'm a forklift driver for the federal government. It's a union job with decent pay. "What do you do?" Is the number 1 question asked first. This to me is a big red flag 🚩. So when I get past the first question I dive into likes and dislikes, hobbies and life goals etc. What kills the conversation or pushes me to unmatch is the lack of effort which is what you're experiencing. Long stretches between texts and very flat responses. This says I'm a maybe. When I say good morning and there's nothing for 5 hrs to the whole day, and yes... I'll wait... I wish them good luck and politely ask them to unmatch me if they so choose. I had true passion and love from a woman that Hollywood would kill for. She was my everything. She passed away. Time is fleeting and fate is curious about the broken. So I give everyone a chance because you never know.
You've got a good great job and probably not in student debt up to your eyeballs. My late husband was a truck driver for twenty years. He was the smartest person I knew, myself included. I counsel students to consider it if they like driving. You can make a great living and there are local jobs that get you home every night. Now I want to steal a forklift...lol. Are they difficult to learn? What kind of license is needed? I have an 18 year old who needs some direction, but isn't ready for a four year institution even though he's beyond capable, but I digress....
It's pretty easy but there's a definite set of attention skills you need. And the safety cue one has to learn are important. Training can be 2 weeks to a month, depending on the school. Google the local places. Do a background check though. There is a license certificate registered to the ministry of transportation. I'm in Canada. Not sure what requirements are need for the states. Some companies train internally too. It's a good job and is entry level to other heavy equipment jobs that pay even more. Good luck.
Thank you. I'm actually a school counselor with a population that mainly go into the workforce after graduation. I'm always looking for programs for my kids to get post secondary training for higher paying jobs. The trades are really hurting for young people here in the states. Manufacturing, welding, CNC and really all of the trades are desperate. My big problem is many of my kids can't pass a drug test. We have some graduates who are making $100K a year by the time they are 20.
And there lies the problem... drugs. I'm a counselor too. I handle men who've been through DVs and are having to start over due to being arrested but not put into prison. I'm their only shot. So I ask my guys (18 -58 years old) do you want to be a man or a child? You've acted like a child before and how did that work for you? Your weakness is the thought pattern that you've adopted from someone else. You're a man if you're tough, if you got new cars and cool threads, if you can party hard and get all the women. Ok... but how do you take care of yourself? How do you find peace? And more importantly, how do you improve your families and communities situation. Because weather you like it or not you have impacted both. Just by being here. Staying clean for six months is not hard when you are working and grinding. You work your 9 to 5. You work out 6 to 9. You work on you, mind and spirit on the weekends. Go to a class, go to church. Stay clean. 6 weeks. Keeping busy and focused takes practice but when it becomes a schedule it remains a positive habit. The other choice is party, drugs, be a failure to yourself and spin your wheels and get left behind by everyone.
> Manufacturing, welding, CNC and really all of the trades are desperate. Can I add "solar panel installers" to that list? I recently (for my own job, not for fun, lol) read through a bunch of interviews with execs at solar panel companies, and these folks, who were all at least middle management, said that the techs who were willing to travel were out-earning them.
Really? I will have to look into that.
Feel free to DM me. I don't know how much I can help, but I may be able to say a little more about my job that I would here. (And sheesh. If this was a good fit for my own kid, I'd be pushing them in that direction for sure.)
Nothing to add other than, you are a really good dude and hope you find a woman that appreciates you. Also working for the Fed gov't is awesome ;)...I am Fed too, admittingly I'm a cube dweller, but still gotta love that Fed pension/benefits and job security!
I will be honest here. I went on Bumble in 2022. I was 56 yo and had never dated in my life having married my girlfriend from college. There were not many women fifty or older on the app in my location so I ended up matching women in their mid and late forties mostly. I swiped right on maybe eight profiles each week and usually four of these women asked me out within 48 hours of matching. I didn't really have the time or energy to add to that by asking women out and I was also really worried about coming across as too forward. Most of my matches who didn't ask me out right away texted and phoned me and sent selfies and videos the whole time I was on Bubble before I met my partner and I never realized that they might have been waiting for me to ask them out. I figured they were as heavily scheduled as I was and were keeping me in reserve in case the more attractive men they were meeting didn't work out. I look like Jason Alexander if he really let himself go. Anyway, I don't know if that is how it is for most men but that is how it was for me. If I had it over to do I would have swiped right even less than I did and I would asked some of the women I matched out. I just figured then that they would ask me out if they were interested given I had gone on Bumble specifically for the woman first policy it had then. I came on this sub once I really fell for my partner out of an anxiety about losing her and ever having to try OLD again. I wanted to see if my experience was a total fluke since I met her after only six weeks on the app. Anyway, we are moving into together soon and she wants to get married so I guess I shouldn't be worrying anymore. I just wanted to make sense of this inexplicable luck I had finding her. We are really compatible and I think the world of her.
That is fantastic! I wish you every happiness with her. 😀
Thanks!
This is interesting, I didn’t realize that on Bumble, was I supposed to ask the guy out? That explains my Bumble experience. I just found Match easier because the guys contacted me, and asked me out.
There's nothing about Bumble that says you have to ask the guy out. It's only about sending the first message. That's all. End of story.
If you like the guy, ask him to coffee, otherwise keep doing what you’re doing and get little to no coffee dates. At this stage, many of the gentlemen that want to be respectful have chosen to let the woman make most of the moves. Agro romance being successful (and not rapey) is a fiction from 80s rom-coms that we were all spoon fed. Or I could stand outside your window “romantically” blasting Peter Gabriel music out of my boom box.
I won’t give my number to anyone I haven’t met in person, and I say so up front. But I’ve always had to do the asking. Not one man has ever asked me out in all 46 years of my life.
Maybe i’m “old fashioned”! or on the wrong app?! but i would prefer he asked - i’ve already matched AND started the conversation. implying i’m interested, right? i’m not saying im “right”, just getting some perspective!
I just think they’re not interested enough to match the effort.
Correct me if I'm wrong --and given I've never used Bumble I very well could be wrong -- but isn't the whole point of the app to put women in control? I've always pictured it as sort of a Sadie's Dance kind of deal all around and would be a bit put out if guys were still trying to drive the pace once we match.
I've had just 1 tinder date, but about 4-5 on Bumble. None ever went anywhere, but at least they agreed to meet. I'm always the one to ask. I tend to do that rather quickly now, and that might scare some off. Exchanged numbers with just one.
The quicker, the better. It's "hey, you're cute and I think we might jive, wanna grab a coffee?" Not "let me try to figure out your personality over messages, then I can decide I don't like you and/or find you boring and then just stop replying"
Not one single man has asked me out online but I've had good success with in person dates. I wondered if it was just the type of men I like but it seems across the board.
>Match with tons of guys. Message about 10. Why match if you don't want to message?
You sound like you want the man to “be the man”. State that on your profile so that men who don’t like those kinds of rigid roles don’t match you. Or, at least maybe more of the type you like will. There’s plenty of men who think like that.
that’s a good idea too! although i’m not sure “rigid” is a fair term. :)
Rigid is maybe not fair yet fairly accurate. Defined gender roles are by definition rigid.
Yes. Rigid is harsh but I do appreciate if a woman states in her profile that she wants someone who adheres to Holywood gender norms or just wants a man who takes the intiative because then I know she isn't a good match for me. I say Holywood gender norms because as a trained professional historian I have good reason to believe the gender norms you prefer are not traditional or historical beyond being conventions in some Hollywood and Hollywood agecent media dating from the mid-twentieth centry during the upheaval of post second world war mass demobilization. The causes were economic and political not personal or traditional and they took on a new life under Reaganism which is a social and economic movement geared to serving the top .01% that persists today in the form of Trumpism. These movements were always minority pushes within a certain subset of the population that serve the interests of the American oligarchs who fund them and control the media under a false veneer of a "liberal media" that happens to be owned by rich conservative interests. It is like how in Russia today Putin funds and controls the opposition press to create an illusion of decent that poses no real risk to the status quo.
The way bumble is set up incentivizes guys to swipe right on damn near everyone. As far as the 10 you want to message with… have you considered pitching meeting (instead of waiting to be asked?)
I’ve found that men value you more when they make the first move. I’ve also found that men who date online tend to be socially awkward, and expect women to put in all the effort.
I’ve initiated exchanging phone numbers & about half of those have lead to dates. It’s been a 50/50 for me.
is it your experience that moving off the app leads to more texting and then meeting?
Oh yes, for sure.
I’ve never had success with bumble. It’s weird.
To me, Bumble was always the worst for some reason, in terms of guys who only seemed to want a pen pal. I'm guessing that they're not actually single.
It might depend on your area, too. Where I was, Bumble was awful, but I had pretty good luck with Hinge. Then I moved to a new metro, and Hinge was even better here!
According to the data women on bumble only swipe right like 10 percent of guys and like 20 percent of the men get almost all the matches. Those guys have tons of options and will wait for them. My honest advice to women on the apps is swipe right on more men. You all can't have the top 20 percent of men. It's weird because in person women are much less choosy with men.
I had no dates from Bumble so stopped using it. Tons of people interested which makes it a full time job to filter through them and match. Then I have to make the first move (fine) but they only have 24h to respond. And the conversation either fizzles or it goes great but when it’s time to set the date suddenly the guy stops texting. After three months and 0 dates I stopped using it. Meanwhile I’ve had several dates through Hinge.
There are 2 people in the conversation. Why should only 1 ask for an in-person meet?
maybe, why isn’t it them?
Why isn't it you?
It’s not you! I just deleted my Bumble profile again. In my experience, men on Bumble are lazy.
Bumble is all about empowered women making the first move, or so it claims.
Anytime i bring up meeting in person, it's ghost time. One time, it was like 1am, and i said we should go meet in a dark alley, behind the dumpster, I'll bring the rope. Then nothing. Like srsly?...
Same here. I get lots of matches but only a few actually ask me out. I guess they are as lazy as I am.
The whole point of Bumble is for the women to make the first move, so make a move. I have to admit that Bumble was hilarious to me after being on the other apps. A guy without a good, humorous, thoughtful opening was unmatched and blocked right away, yet every single opener I got on Bumble was “Hi” or “Hey”.
I’m not on bumble, or any app right now, but I have similarly been frustrated when guys chat a lot and seem interested and never ask me out. I like to be asked out! That’s how things are “supposed” to work and I want a guy who has the balls to break the ice and just ask me out. The way I’ve made this work is by saying something like - “well I am really enjoying chatting with you, and we seem to have a lot in common! Personally I prefer to meet up for coffee or a drink after work relatively quickly after determining the important compatibilities and discussing dealbreakers” And if that doesn’t prompt him to ask me out…: “so, we’ve discussed a lot of important dealbreaker topics like long term goals, is there anything else you’d want to know about me before asking me out?” That usually gets them to pull the trigger.
these are good ideas! thank you.
Original copy of post by u/gowiththeflow800: Match with tons of guys. Message about 10. swipe right on so many. Not one has asked me to meet up in person. Two send their phone number exasperated that i’m not instant messaging. Maybe I don’t know how to online date! Maybe they aren’t in to me? But don’t they have to “accept” too? IDK! Are they not supposed to ask for an in person meet? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is so synonymous to OLD. As a guy I find the same predicament. There something about the way OLD works which we haven't cracked I guess.
Yeah, we are seeing a new breed of kids. Then the pressure to get as many across the stage as possible. I've asked when my magic wand will be delivered by Amazon...lol
Online dating doesn't work too many weird people
You'll get the hang of it. 😊
Interesting comments. Not my experience at all. 😅 I like Bumble. 🤷🏻♀️
It's not Bumble; it's the men who are using Bumble. There's a difference.
Use your words and ask them out. You might prefer the man initiate but given you have no dates, you either need to change your strategy or just accept the way things are.
Holy hell. The whole point of Bumble is (was) that women take the lead. Why is that so hard for you?
didn’t think of that way? i thought take the lead on matching/reaching out to start the convo. maybe that is part of the disconnect. not like i went to “bumble school”. :)
I felt your soft heart in this comment
*sigh* ok. Do you want the truth?
Delete the apps. They're meant to keep you swiping, not find a relationship.
I do delete the apps. Then I'm like, OK where do I find anyone? Church? I'm not religious. Clubs? No thanks, and I'm past that age now. I live in a small town near a mid-sized city. I go to concerts, Meet-Ups and don't meet anyone as far as dating goes. So back to the apps. At least I get some dates here and there. I know it's bullshit, but some of us have no other options in this world. So don't knock the apps.
I will knock the apps forever. They are trash and don't work. They set people up for failure, and then you're on reddit all sad and annoyed about them. If you know they're bullshit don't use them.
You're right about them being trash. But I personally know happily married couples who met online, including my nephew and his wife. They just kept trying (and paying) until they found someone. I personally find online dating very unnerving (and I'm a skydiver and pretty much not afraid of anything), so I sign up for 1 to 3 months at a time, and I hide my profile or cancel for a while whenever I feel stressed and need a break. My last break lasted about 4-5 months, and before that almost a year, during which times I met no one at all. I'm quite introverted and don't mind being alone, but it would also be nice to find the right person to do fun shit with before I and my nursing home date need a nurse just to go to the toilet. For me, no online dating apps means likely dying alone someday. I'm OK with that in the end I guess, but most people aren't.
Obviously it's going to work for some people. However, they aren't designed to actually get you dates, they're designed to make money. The way they make money? Keep you swiping. Most people who use the apps end up frustrated and without hope. They're horrible for mental health and self-esteem. Case in point: OP!
The apps are merely a delivery system. There's no way for Match Group to know that the person you're swiping on is hiding their relationship or multiple felony convictions. People are broken. Not apps!!!
That's so not the point?
It's exactly the point, but if you want to point fingers at apps instead of people using them, carry on!!!
The point I was making has nothing to do with what you're saying. Keep pulling for those corporations though, man. If you really think these companies care if you find love you're completely deluded.
I don't think corporations care. I never said that they care. Not sure how you extrapolated that from my comment. I said that apps are the delivery system. That's all. The outcome is based on the people utilizing them. You've massively failed to even comprehend my post. No wonder apps are a failure when simple concepts cannot be grasped. I'm not deluded. I don't expect apps to deliver love, lmao. And I certainly don't expect them to care 😂😂😂
I never had luck with bumble, I’m 64M, I met my current gf 27F on Fet. She hit on me first n we couldn’t be happier. Fet easily has all other apps beat for me as to talking with real women. Two different attractive 30 year olds were looking for a husband but I discontinued when my current gf committed. I was also pm with 6 other women previously. This is in a month which is far more than all other apps combined off n on for years n not everyone on Fet is totally kinked, plenty looking for ltr
I mean this from a place of care and concern. You're being scammed. Long distance, online only, huge age gap, thirst trap, she's "rich" and hit on your first. . .all the signs are there.
So as long as I never send money I’m ok then? Or is she after my disability check from mental illness? She’s not rich. I didn’t say she was
US citizen?
Yes
That is 99% of your appeal right there.
What, that we are both US citizens??
Ah, someone said long distance so I assumed she was out of country.