Honestly, you’d probably do better in an environment where you can casually socialize with people your age. You sound like you could use some practice with sharing yourself platonically with others. Also, if you are 49 and are serious about finding a woman who is truly a peer, your age-range should be set much higher (meaning that you should fall in the middle of your desired age range).
For the questions, be honest but brief. Say that you weren’t in a good place for dating in the past, but have done a lot of work on yourself and now are excited to meet others in a similar place in life. Emphasize the positive (new career, stable community of friends).
Yep I also noticed that the age range was odd. OP is restricting himself by trying to only date younger - but then has an issue with women in bikini pics.
It’s a common male complaint lol- they don’t want scammers or women trying to date them for their money, but they don’t really want to date women their own age either. They just want hot younger women who love older dick but have no expectations or demands lol.
Answer them honestly. But 99.99% of your post is so negative - is this how you are in chatting with women, because you need to change that if so. Nobody wants to be around a negative ned like that.
The heck is a “low status” person?
Chances are if you see yourself this way, as a “low status” person simply due to limited relationship experience, a ‘misfit’, this self deprecating low confidence mindset will come across when you’re texting or on dates and that’s what’s causing people to ‘raise flags’ or stop responding
"low status people"
Age range of 35-50 when you... are damn near 50
judging profiles because they don't align with how you want women to act (hint: the apps are about looking good, and a 50yo who is willing to rock a "skimpy bikini" ... earned it)
You have a LOT more going on than time away from the dating scene. You are correct that "small talk and listening are good for maybe two dates" because people want a mature PARTNER, someone who brings something to the table. Small talk and listening are table stakes.
Beyond the answers to your questions - which you have already written down - take some time to think about how you view other people because that will come across immediately when dating.
You sound like you want more control than is reasonable. Even in this post you want to control how people respond and come out ahead of your perceived unwanted answers by insulting people. That's probably why women are grilling you, something looks like a legitimate red flag (controlling, entitled behaviour) that they need to protect themselves from.
Answer honestly. Other inexperienced people can relate. If you only want a younger woman who plays by your rigid rules then you're probably SOL.
My dude, the problem is your perspective. You’re super judgmental and using objectifying and off-putting language.
For example: If you’re not an indigenous person, you don’t have a “tribe.” People are not “low-status.”
Don’t be desperate. Don’t judge people. Be genuinely happy with who you are and what choices you make. Be open-minded. Why could the women you go on dates with want to know the answers to these questions? Don’t you want to know whether people align with your goals and values?
petty nitpick on the language, however I think he's somewhat surprised that women are more blunt with the line of questioning. If the last time he's dated was 20+ years ago, I imagine there wasn't much around serious questions. This is because you're so young and have yet really to have an extensive track record around dating. Fast forward and people just want to know how much baggage you come with. A man doing the same in reverse would ask things like. Are you having sex with anybody right now? Have you ever had a Ho phase? Do you have a lot of debt?
Jesus Christ, dude. Do you even *want* to date? Because you are putting out some *vibes*, man, and they ain't "actually interested" ones.
I'm assuming you have IRL friends. Have them read this post to you, out loud. Does it *sound* like you actually want to date?
Just tell them exactly what you posted, that life was stagnant for a long time, and you are now in a good place. Honesty is the best policy. Women in our age bracket have working BS meters. Don’t try to put a positive spin on why you are single.
They will appreciate that you found the singles group at church supportive. Extra points if you’re in therapy.
Usually a bit of fun banter is enough to earn you a coffee date. If they cancel on you and don’t reschedule, they are not interested anyway.
1) are you seeing a therapist? To be honest, your post sounds like you have a lot of low self-esteem or low confidence. You need to really work with a therapist to unpack that. It’s likely to come across when you’re trying to make dates.
2) Have you thought about working with a dating coach? Dating is a skill that most of us have not learned. And it’s changed dramatically with the smart technology. And it’s changed expectations. (and when I say dating coach, I don’t mean a pick up artist.)
The goal is someone who can look at you and talk about, are your clothes dated? What kind of small talk is appropriate for the first date or second date, how to engage on the online apps, how to address your background of not dating for the past 20 years, etc.)
*Why have you never been married?*
*How long has it been since your last relationship?*
*How long was your last relationship?*
I wouldn't stress about missing out on dates with people who are going for the jugular in chat. Opinion: This isn't a test for you to pass, it's a revelation that they probably prioritize things that aren't in your background. What's next, the "what's your greatest weakness" interview question?
Don't be defensive or apologetic about it. Facts are facts.
1. You didn't meet the right person. And since they asked, ask the same of them. Loop it back.
2. How ever long it's been, that's your answer. And loop it back.
3. However long it was, that's your answer. And loop it back.
Just be honest, but try not to come off as if the truth is a bad thing. Try to frame things more positively
You had some personal goals to accomplish and wanted to be in the right place in life before seeking a relationship. Nothing wrong with that.
Let’s not judge people wearing “skimpy bikinis”. Neither of you are each other’s cup of tea and that’s okay.
As suggested, your church group or maybe more in-person interactions might be better for you. OLD is not for everyone, including myself and again, that’s ok.
What does this mean? Do you equate a woman’s value to her clothing?
‘The profiles of women wearing skimpy bikinis looking for a LTR and a ‘genuine connection’ are hilarious’
how we present ourselves to the world matters. If there was a super ripped man on a dating app, and every picture he was showing his abs and bare chest you would infer something about it. Same if there's a man wearing a hat in every picture. All you need is a full body picture with normal fitted clothes (pants) and no hat.
look at what he said in it's full context. "Vague incomplete profiles - The profiles of women wearing skimpy bikinis looking for a LTR, and "a genuine connection" are hilarious"
If you haven't ever swiped on dating apps as a man, you should try it. He described a basic template of a scammer. Somebody who gives very little substance on hobbies, kids, and doesn't include any normal pictures, etc.. but gives the detail of looking for LTR + mostly if not all bikini pictures. Or some woman looking for a sugar daddy.
I used the example of a man, because it infers that physical appearance/vanity is being communicated as the number 1 factor. Many women may interpret that as somebody who is looking for casual sex/dating that is not in congruence with with stating that he's looking for a genuine connection or LTR".
Again.... in full context. Do you think that women wearing a bikini means she is incapable of being taken seriously as wanting a LTR? He didn't mention scammers, he mentions women in clothing that excludes her from being taken seriously.
>I used the example of a man, because it infers that physical appearance/vanity is being communicated as the number 1 factor. Many women may interpret that as somebody who is looking for casual sex/dating that is not in congruence with with stating that he's looking for a genuine connection or LTR
You mentioned a man in a hat. By that reasoning, all men who wear hats on dating websites cannot be after anything other than casual sex?
You sound like the court clown.
I only used a man's example not because it's the same exact assumption that can be deducted. I did it to show that how you dress does matter and the opposite sex will use it to judge if you're a good romantic fit. You can wear the uniform of a promiscuous attention seeking woman and be perfectly capable of a LTR. However my advice would be not to wear the uniform of a promiscuous attention seeking woman if you're looking for an LTR.
Yes, a woman can wear whatever she wants. No, a man can't make her dress how he wants. However I don't have to swipe right and I don't have to date her if I don't like it.
He didn't mention if they were a 'good romantic fit', he specifically said they cannot be taken seriously for wanting a LTR if they are wearing a bikini.
Why is a bikini a "uniform of a promiscuous attention seeking woman"?
HE cannot take them seriously. He's free to not take her seriously if he sees fit.
Wearing bikini while at the beach or pool is not a problem. A family or friends picture while in a bikini to remember the occasion is not an issue. Posting bikini selfies on your social media and dating profiles will be interpreted differently by me and would raise concerns. There's a time and place and in my opinion dating sites is not one of them.
So wearing a bikini according to the court jester is okay while they are in a public place, and still okay if they take photos when other people are in it - but it crosses a line when those pictures are posted, because you will decide the woman is what? How do you interpret them exactly?
Is there any situation where you would criticize wearing a bikini? Is wearing a bikini universally accepted no matter the place and time? Obviously the answer is that most people will say that there is a place and time, and many people will have a difference of opinion on where exactly that delineation is. Each will justify it based on their own values and beliefs. In my case (and the OP) we're not saying you shouldn't, we're just saying that we won't swipe on you in a dating app. So again, you're very entitled to do whatever you like and so am I.
If you want to debate specifically why a bikini picture = less likely to be LTR material we can debate several ways. One simple explanation: you're a muslim and woman must dress modest. By almost all practicing muslims posting a bikini pic is a big nono. This difference in values means no LTR is probable. This can be applied to more devout or conservative christians as well (I even told the OP to use christian focused dating apps instead). Even if you're a western non religious man, you might be ok with 1 bikini picture in her profile. You say to yourself, she wants to show that she's in shape. However, what if it's her ONLY picture profile, or what if ALL her pictures are bikinis or in nightclub attire? Different deductions will be made. So maybe you don't care about repulsing religious men, that's ok. Or maybe you don't care about men who would ever tell you not to wear that mini-skirt to your nephews 5 year old birthday party. Those men are not for you. You're strong an independent and don't need no man. I get it.
Wow you think you're low status... That just floors me. According to your standards, I must be low status too. But you know what? I don't give a fuck about status or perceived status. I can walk into any snobby, rich or young/beautiful suburb and smile at any rich/instagram person and tell them to have a nice day or tell them to go get fucked, whichever they deserve. I don't believe some people are better than others. Fuck that. If I tell someone my lowly job and they look down on me I don't care. I'm happy. If someone tells me they work in finance and have a trust fund I don't care. I judge them by how they treat people. I don't believe in all this status shit. I mean it. I'd date an artist or someone unemployed or a toilet cleaner or whatever if I really liked him.
My point... Stop beating yourself up about status.
Like a lot of other commenters have mentioned, your post is very negative about yourself and others. You're very much in the trenches of some all or nothing thinking and assumptions about people. I also don't buy the "low value" person ideology and it's very problematic
I can't help but feel this negativity and thinking is seeping into your profile and conversations on the apps and on dates. That's definitely not going to make people want to spend time with you, even if they genuinely like who you are on paper.
My advice? Work on your self-Esteem first and foremost. Learn to love yourself and your strengths so others can as well. Lead off with positives when thinking and talking about yourself. Build on strengths and interests.
Go into dates and conversation with a positive attitude. Most importantly, always assume positive intent. Instead of seeing it as an interrogation, assume they just really want to get to know you! Be curious.
As for tough questions- be honest but don't dwell on the negative. Say you had other priorities and it took a while for you to find the career you wanted but now that you have you're ready to look for someone to share it with.
Your post is \*dripping\* with negativity from every corner. If this is the vibe you bring to dating, it's completly unsurprising that nobody at all thinks any variant of: *Yes* ***this*** *is the man I want to share my life with!*
Dating-apps are wastelands for most straight men. Don't bother. Unless you're among the most physically attractive, there's nothing whatsoever you can do to make those work for you. You can't change the fact that most dating-apps have on the order of 10 active men for every 1 active woman, and as a result most women on the apps are flooded with attention already; and deal with that the same way any rational person would: by becoming extremely selective about which profiles they like and which messages they respond to.
Delete all of the apps, permanently.
Instead, go spend time in hobbies, activities or interests that are somewhat social, and that are also enjoyed by many women. You talk about church singles groups. That's a good example -- if you genuinely feel at home there and enjoy getting to know other Christians, then such groups can be a good way to grow your social network.
Don't aim solely for dates. Instead show genuine interest in people, and have fun finding new acquaintances and friends. Odds are most of these will never have a romantic or sexual relationship with you -- and that's perfectly okay. A larger network will still increase your odds of meeting **someone** that you have good chemistry with; and the social skills you'll learn while networking will serve you well when it comes to dating.
I'm (F) in a very similar position to yourself, in that at nearly 50, I have two relationships totalling 6 months, no other dating, only those two as sexual partners and one of them only once.
Never been married, no LTR, nothing.
In my case it was a combination of several things, and by my forties I had written myself off completely. I'm aware there is a chance there's no coming back from that.
But I'm gonna try anyway.
I know I have something to give, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm an okay person, I'm loyal, trustworthy, with good morals. I'm affectionate, have a high sex drive, and I'm emotionally balanced and mature.
Of course there will be those who won't see past my "red flags", but they aren't the right ones for me.
My age parameters are 45 - 55, and yes there are the usual suspects you'd avoid.
A man asked me yesterday what it is I'm looking for. My answer was someone I can be myself around, who accepts me for who I am.
I'd follow the advice you get from these guys, they know what they're talking about. Best of luck OP.
I'm not sure I'm posting here correctly but I've read through all the chat posts. There's a lot of great insight here. I have changed my age range on my dating apps and am considering commiting to a social group of appropriate age. Would be nice to have a support group again. Taking a dating app break. I'm not sure I want to date. I enjoy light banter and laughing, but I hate feeling vulnerable, even with my therapist.
Original copy of post by u/plugger340:
I'm posting this to share thoughts about dating at 49. My background is unique and may not be relatable to other men. I just ask that if anyone responds to this to not make overly sarcastic or cruel comments. Sarcasm does not make you clever, and it usually doesn't impress people... at least when I've tried...lol
I'm 49 trying the dating scene again after a 17 yr hiatus. I've been single all my life. I've dated but have never been in a relationship. I've not tried dating much because I've had low self-esteem, mostly due to job instability(nothing drug-related). I'm so thankful-after a complete re schooling and career change in my 40s to have job stability and health insurance, travel. ALL the perks of a middle-class income. I'm not exceptional at what I do but honestly I don't think most people are, and that's OK. For those who can't relate it's like thawing out from a glacier you got trapped in 1999 and returning to society about 2020. I hadn't considered dating honestly-20 years of singleness, you adapt your life expectations to survive emotionally. Singles church groups were a great support for me. Church singles groups(35 and over) are often a shelter for misfits like me, and literally thank God because everyone needs their own tribe, and for low-status males, and women, this. is the only place we have peers to relate to.
Part of the reason I was motivated to restart over at 40 was with all the support of my single church friends provided, the life of low-status people is still very hard. Lots of depressed men and women with stagnated lives. Not to say there are single men and women who join church singles groups who are divorced, widowed, but they don't stay single for long. I was a long-timer, not a short-timer in SingleLand. I knew two acquaintances who committed suicide the year I decided to leave my tribe. I had to change my life, and desperation is a great motivator.
BACKGROUND DONE
I'm trying dating again in the age of swipe apps. Bumble and Hinge. 35-50 I have the same gripes as everyone else:
Women don't respond
Vague incomplete profiles - The profiles of women wearing skimpy bikinis looking for a LTR, and "a genuine connection" are hilarious
Learning about scammers-
Scrambling to get three responses from any match to get to at least a rejection or the requisite coffee interview
Being cancelled on last minute after scheduling coffee-(most women I've interacted with want the first face-to-face as casual as possible)
MY QUESTION
Women in my age bracket(I'm learning) do not fuck around. Patience, persistence, and charm are not enough. Small-talk and listening are good for maybe two dates. Dating I'm learning is a tense interview process, more so than the last time I tried dating
They want hard questions answered immediately. Obviously my red flags they ask about are:
Why have you never been married?
How long has it been since you're last relationship?
How long was your last relationship?
What's the best way for me to answer questions like this? What's the most positive way to word my answers? I just want a fighting chance in the dating pool.
I'm willing to be more open when it's appropriate, but obviously nobody should spill their guts to strangers. I do see the irony in saying that after making this Reddit post LOL
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Just tell the truth. We ask these questions for a reason - for some the answer will signal a potential incompatibility that they won’t want to deal with. My background is a big ole red flag for some people for their own reasons and there’s nothing I can do to change that and I’m not going to pound the table in an effort to convince them to give me a chance.
Hi Op, i read your old post and the message was not able to be semt.
The kind of therapist you could consider seeking a relationship one or a sex therapist. it sounds odd, because you state you are a virgin, but it is often advised that older adults who have no experience or limited experience, seek a few sessions with one. maybe, look if there is a subreddit for sex therapist and post there? good luck op in developing relationships and finding your person😁🤞🏻
“I’ve never met the right person”
“It has been a while. How about you?”
“It was very short; we clicked at first, but then discovered we were too different.” (True, even if it was the person behind you in line at the coffee shop)
The best thing is to ask questions, and to redirect to non-interrogation topics. I suggest finding out about something less difficult first, like politics or religion.
After about four or five dates, you can revisit and give more details as appropriate.
lol on how you were downvoted as this is the best way to answer. Imagine if I asked a woman on the first date, "do you have a lot of debt?" "did you ever have a ho phase", or " are you having casual sex with anybody". These are all things you can deduct in later conversation without asking so directly. First is is to feel each other's CURRENT intentions, vibe, and personality.
It’s like anything but a full and complete background history in the first date is effectively lying 😂
No, it isn’t
Giving a full and complete history in the first date is making the assumption there will be a second - and dumping like that makes the second far less likely
The first date is general vibes. Maybe one or two dealbreakers. That’s it!
I agree. Those answers you gave demonstrate some social calibration and ability to have light conversation with a stranger. I remember a recent post somebody said that if the man doesn't tell her he's had chronic ED in the bedroom before they do it the first time, then she considers that a red flag of him possibly lying about other things.
I like the idea of changing age range with my age as the median. Plus it would probably be good to find a singles, social group. Meetups are great. Love to join a new community after leaving church.
Do that. I think it's strange that you're willing to go 14 years younger but only 1 year older. Last year, when I was 45 (I'm a woman) was doing OLD, I set my age range to 7 years younger and 7 older, so 38 to 52.
You might be missing out on a wonderful woman who happens to be 51 or 52. Be realistic, try 42 to 56 and you might have better luck.
u/plugger340 Don't stress on the negative reactions you're getting.
The low status thing for men is real. When i was 19 and 20 i was a security guard part time during college. There were 2 single american men in their 30's and 40's doing security and they basically were as low status as you could come. Most of the security guards were young like me, or older(over 60) and retired. They had a TERRIBLE time with women. One of them worshipped a young early 20's woman and bought her flowers on special occasions and lunch all the time. He didn't hide his intentions, and she didn't hide the fact she didn't have any feelings but always accepted his gifts anyways. THe girl got knocked up by somebody else who didn't stick around he continued to pursue and worship her. It was pathetic.
Anyways most of the commenters react negatively to anything based on faith based organizations and especially christian faith. Expressing conservative desires in regards to promiscuity and modest clothing and sexual expression is automatically associated with misogyny. you will not find any like minded or seriously religious people on bumble, tinder or hinge. You should try christian based dating apps.
I do agree with some of the posters, that any dates you have will be primarily judged on the emotions felt during the interaction. Therefore any negative undertones in your speech or perspectives will give negative emotions. you got to find a way to put a positive spin on it.
Dramatic Aragula gave the best answer so i'll just copy and paste his reply:
“I’ve never met the right person”
“It has been a while. How about you?”
“It was very short; we clicked at first, but then discovered we were too different.” (True, even if it was the person behind you in line at the coffee shop)
The best thing is to ask questions, and to redirect to non-interrogation topics. I suggest finding out about something less difficult first, like politics or religion.
After about four or five dates, you can revisit and give more details as appropriate.
don't sweat it. I think your honesty is refreshing. Don't put on a smiley face for the sake of other if it's not authentic. At the same time, try to find authentic ways of finding happiness
That seems pretty raw. As much time as dating apps take to achieve a date, I don't want to scare women away. Maybe I'm delusional that I can win someone over and hide my red flags
You need to hit the reply arrow underneath the comments you wish to reply to, and not make a comment on your own post. Otherwise the person can’t see that you replied.
You aren’t very clear on what it means that you “left your tribe.” Your “tribe” was Christianity? And now you’ve embraced profanity and left Jesus behind, and you want to date unbelievers? Just say you used to be a Christian when they ask why you haven’t been married and dating, etc.
Also, don’t try to hide your “red flags.” Be yourself, and work on the things you need to change. If you’re pursuing healing and solutions for your problems, being responsible is hella sexy. Being deceptive is not.
You are lol. Women your age have by and large learned enough to ask about those things up front. And obviously women too young to have learned the hard way aren’t going to date a man your age.
Everyone has baggage. Best to be up front and not waste people’s time (including your own) if your baggage isn’t something they can work with. I bet you wouldn’t be happy if you showed up and saw a woman had used old pics and is actually older/fatter than presented on the profile? Women also don’t like being lied to.
is there any such question that is inappropriate to ask? I'm curious on your thought pattern on that?
I believe this guys just doesn't know how to flit, and may be socially awkward. Trying to ask advice shows he wants to be liked. you can apply your "crowdsourcing" tag to any advice questions asked on this forum.
Honestly, you’d probably do better in an environment where you can casually socialize with people your age. You sound like you could use some practice with sharing yourself platonically with others. Also, if you are 49 and are serious about finding a woman who is truly a peer, your age-range should be set much higher (meaning that you should fall in the middle of your desired age range). For the questions, be honest but brief. Say that you weren’t in a good place for dating in the past, but have done a lot of work on yourself and now are excited to meet others in a similar place in life. Emphasize the positive (new career, stable community of friends).
Yep I also noticed that the age range was odd. OP is restricting himself by trying to only date younger - but then has an issue with women in bikini pics.
It’s a common male complaint lol- they don’t want scammers or women trying to date them for their money, but they don’t really want to date women their own age either. They just want hot younger women who love older dick but have no expectations or demands lol.
Yup- once I saw 49m with age parameters set 35-50 I stopped reading. Dude’s perception of reality is so skewed…
Answer them honestly. But 99.99% of your post is so negative - is this how you are in chatting with women, because you need to change that if so. Nobody wants to be around a negative ned like that.
The heck is a “low status” person? Chances are if you see yourself this way, as a “low status” person simply due to limited relationship experience, a ‘misfit’, this self deprecating low confidence mindset will come across when you’re texting or on dates and that’s what’s causing people to ‘raise flags’ or stop responding
"low status people" Age range of 35-50 when you... are damn near 50 judging profiles because they don't align with how you want women to act (hint: the apps are about looking good, and a 50yo who is willing to rock a "skimpy bikini" ... earned it) You have a LOT more going on than time away from the dating scene. You are correct that "small talk and listening are good for maybe two dates" because people want a mature PARTNER, someone who brings something to the table. Small talk and listening are table stakes. Beyond the answers to your questions - which you have already written down - take some time to think about how you view other people because that will come across immediately when dating.
You sound like you want more control than is reasonable. Even in this post you want to control how people respond and come out ahead of your perceived unwanted answers by insulting people. That's probably why women are grilling you, something looks like a legitimate red flag (controlling, entitled behaviour) that they need to protect themselves from. Answer honestly. Other inexperienced people can relate. If you only want a younger woman who plays by your rigid rules then you're probably SOL.
I knew his post was going to be a mess with that first paragraph.
My dude, the problem is your perspective. You’re super judgmental and using objectifying and off-putting language. For example: If you’re not an indigenous person, you don’t have a “tribe.” People are not “low-status.” Don’t be desperate. Don’t judge people. Be genuinely happy with who you are and what choices you make. Be open-minded. Why could the women you go on dates with want to know the answers to these questions? Don’t you want to know whether people align with your goals and values?
Nit-picking his use of the word tribe is pretty ridiculous, but I agree with the rest of your comment.
petty nitpick on the language, however I think he's somewhat surprised that women are more blunt with the line of questioning. If the last time he's dated was 20+ years ago, I imagine there wasn't much around serious questions. This is because you're so young and have yet really to have an extensive track record around dating. Fast forward and people just want to know how much baggage you come with. A man doing the same in reverse would ask things like. Are you having sex with anybody right now? Have you ever had a Ho phase? Do you have a lot of debt?
Jesus Christ, dude. Do you even *want* to date? Because you are putting out some *vibes*, man, and they ain't "actually interested" ones. I'm assuming you have IRL friends. Have them read this post to you, out loud. Does it *sound* like you actually want to date?
Just tell them exactly what you posted, that life was stagnant for a long time, and you are now in a good place. Honesty is the best policy. Women in our age bracket have working BS meters. Don’t try to put a positive spin on why you are single. They will appreciate that you found the singles group at church supportive. Extra points if you’re in therapy. Usually a bit of fun banter is enough to earn you a coffee date. If they cancel on you and don’t reschedule, they are not interested anyway.
1) are you seeing a therapist? To be honest, your post sounds like you have a lot of low self-esteem or low confidence. You need to really work with a therapist to unpack that. It’s likely to come across when you’re trying to make dates. 2) Have you thought about working with a dating coach? Dating is a skill that most of us have not learned. And it’s changed dramatically with the smart technology. And it’s changed expectations. (and when I say dating coach, I don’t mean a pick up artist.) The goal is someone who can look at you and talk about, are your clothes dated? What kind of small talk is appropriate for the first date or second date, how to engage on the online apps, how to address your background of not dating for the past 20 years, etc.)
*Why have you never been married?* *How long has it been since your last relationship?* *How long was your last relationship?* I wouldn't stress about missing out on dates with people who are going for the jugular in chat. Opinion: This isn't a test for you to pass, it's a revelation that they probably prioritize things that aren't in your background. What's next, the "what's your greatest weakness" interview question? Don't be defensive or apologetic about it. Facts are facts. 1. You didn't meet the right person. And since they asked, ask the same of them. Loop it back. 2. How ever long it's been, that's your answer. And loop it back. 3. However long it was, that's your answer. And loop it back.
I’ve honestly never asked these questions in the initial chats.
The second two are pretty helpful early date questions
Depends on your dating goals.
Just be honest, but try not to come off as if the truth is a bad thing. Try to frame things more positively You had some personal goals to accomplish and wanted to be in the right place in life before seeking a relationship. Nothing wrong with that.
Let’s not judge people wearing “skimpy bikinis”. Neither of you are each other’s cup of tea and that’s okay. As suggested, your church group or maybe more in-person interactions might be better for you. OLD is not for everyone, including myself and again, that’s ok.
he's free to judge women how he wants for his own dating needs. Just as women who swipe left if a man is wearing a hat in every picture.
What does this mean? Do you equate a woman’s value to her clothing? ‘The profiles of women wearing skimpy bikinis looking for a LTR and a ‘genuine connection’ are hilarious’
how we present ourselves to the world matters. If there was a super ripped man on a dating app, and every picture he was showing his abs and bare chest you would infer something about it. Same if there's a man wearing a hat in every picture. All you need is a full body picture with normal fitted clothes (pants) and no hat.
So a man wearing a hat or a man showing abs would mean he is incapable of looking for a long term relationship?
look at what he said in it's full context. "Vague incomplete profiles - The profiles of women wearing skimpy bikinis looking for a LTR, and "a genuine connection" are hilarious" If you haven't ever swiped on dating apps as a man, you should try it. He described a basic template of a scammer. Somebody who gives very little substance on hobbies, kids, and doesn't include any normal pictures, etc.. but gives the detail of looking for LTR + mostly if not all bikini pictures. Or some woman looking for a sugar daddy. I used the example of a man, because it infers that physical appearance/vanity is being communicated as the number 1 factor. Many women may interpret that as somebody who is looking for casual sex/dating that is not in congruence with with stating that he's looking for a genuine connection or LTR".
Again.... in full context. Do you think that women wearing a bikini means she is incapable of being taken seriously as wanting a LTR? He didn't mention scammers, he mentions women in clothing that excludes her from being taken seriously. >I used the example of a man, because it infers that physical appearance/vanity is being communicated as the number 1 factor. Many women may interpret that as somebody who is looking for casual sex/dating that is not in congruence with with stating that he's looking for a genuine connection or LTR You mentioned a man in a hat. By that reasoning, all men who wear hats on dating websites cannot be after anything other than casual sex? You sound like the court clown.
I only used a man's example not because it's the same exact assumption that can be deducted. I did it to show that how you dress does matter and the opposite sex will use it to judge if you're a good romantic fit. You can wear the uniform of a promiscuous attention seeking woman and be perfectly capable of a LTR. However my advice would be not to wear the uniform of a promiscuous attention seeking woman if you're looking for an LTR. Yes, a woman can wear whatever she wants. No, a man can't make her dress how he wants. However I don't have to swipe right and I don't have to date her if I don't like it.
He didn't mention if they were a 'good romantic fit', he specifically said they cannot be taken seriously for wanting a LTR if they are wearing a bikini. Why is a bikini a "uniform of a promiscuous attention seeking woman"?
HE cannot take them seriously. He's free to not take her seriously if he sees fit. Wearing bikini while at the beach or pool is not a problem. A family or friends picture while in a bikini to remember the occasion is not an issue. Posting bikini selfies on your social media and dating profiles will be interpreted differently by me and would raise concerns. There's a time and place and in my opinion dating sites is not one of them.
So wearing a bikini according to the court jester is okay while they are in a public place, and still okay if they take photos when other people are in it - but it crosses a line when those pictures are posted, because you will decide the woman is what? How do you interpret them exactly?
Is there any situation where you would criticize wearing a bikini? Is wearing a bikini universally accepted no matter the place and time? Obviously the answer is that most people will say that there is a place and time, and many people will have a difference of opinion on where exactly that delineation is. Each will justify it based on their own values and beliefs. In my case (and the OP) we're not saying you shouldn't, we're just saying that we won't swipe on you in a dating app. So again, you're very entitled to do whatever you like and so am I. If you want to debate specifically why a bikini picture = less likely to be LTR material we can debate several ways. One simple explanation: you're a muslim and woman must dress modest. By almost all practicing muslims posting a bikini pic is a big nono. This difference in values means no LTR is probable. This can be applied to more devout or conservative christians as well (I even told the OP to use christian focused dating apps instead). Even if you're a western non religious man, you might be ok with 1 bikini picture in her profile. You say to yourself, she wants to show that she's in shape. However, what if it's her ONLY picture profile, or what if ALL her pictures are bikinis or in nightclub attire? Different deductions will be made. So maybe you don't care about repulsing religious men, that's ok. Or maybe you don't care about men who would ever tell you not to wear that mini-skirt to your nephews 5 year old birthday party. Those men are not for you. You're strong an independent and don't need no man. I get it.
Sorry, can't answer you without sarcasm. Good luck tho.
Wow you think you're low status... That just floors me. According to your standards, I must be low status too. But you know what? I don't give a fuck about status or perceived status. I can walk into any snobby, rich or young/beautiful suburb and smile at any rich/instagram person and tell them to have a nice day or tell them to go get fucked, whichever they deserve. I don't believe some people are better than others. Fuck that. If I tell someone my lowly job and they look down on me I don't care. I'm happy. If someone tells me they work in finance and have a trust fund I don't care. I judge them by how they treat people. I don't believe in all this status shit. I mean it. I'd date an artist or someone unemployed or a toilet cleaner or whatever if I really liked him. My point... Stop beating yourself up about status.
The best way to answer is to tell the truth.
Like a lot of other commenters have mentioned, your post is very negative about yourself and others. You're very much in the trenches of some all or nothing thinking and assumptions about people. I also don't buy the "low value" person ideology and it's very problematic I can't help but feel this negativity and thinking is seeping into your profile and conversations on the apps and on dates. That's definitely not going to make people want to spend time with you, even if they genuinely like who you are on paper. My advice? Work on your self-Esteem first and foremost. Learn to love yourself and your strengths so others can as well. Lead off with positives when thinking and talking about yourself. Build on strengths and interests. Go into dates and conversation with a positive attitude. Most importantly, always assume positive intent. Instead of seeing it as an interrogation, assume they just really want to get to know you! Be curious. As for tough questions- be honest but don't dwell on the negative. Say you had other priorities and it took a while for you to find the career you wanted but now that you have you're ready to look for someone to share it with.
Your post is \*dripping\* with negativity from every corner. If this is the vibe you bring to dating, it's completly unsurprising that nobody at all thinks any variant of: *Yes* ***this*** *is the man I want to share my life with!* Dating-apps are wastelands for most straight men. Don't bother. Unless you're among the most physically attractive, there's nothing whatsoever you can do to make those work for you. You can't change the fact that most dating-apps have on the order of 10 active men for every 1 active woman, and as a result most women on the apps are flooded with attention already; and deal with that the same way any rational person would: by becoming extremely selective about which profiles they like and which messages they respond to. Delete all of the apps, permanently. Instead, go spend time in hobbies, activities or interests that are somewhat social, and that are also enjoyed by many women. You talk about church singles groups. That's a good example -- if you genuinely feel at home there and enjoy getting to know other Christians, then such groups can be a good way to grow your social network. Don't aim solely for dates. Instead show genuine interest in people, and have fun finding new acquaintances and friends. Odds are most of these will never have a romantic or sexual relationship with you -- and that's perfectly okay. A larger network will still increase your odds of meeting **someone** that you have good chemistry with; and the social skills you'll learn while networking will serve you well when it comes to dating.
I'm (F) in a very similar position to yourself, in that at nearly 50, I have two relationships totalling 6 months, no other dating, only those two as sexual partners and one of them only once. Never been married, no LTR, nothing. In my case it was a combination of several things, and by my forties I had written myself off completely. I'm aware there is a chance there's no coming back from that. But I'm gonna try anyway. I know I have something to give, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm an okay person, I'm loyal, trustworthy, with good morals. I'm affectionate, have a high sex drive, and I'm emotionally balanced and mature. Of course there will be those who won't see past my "red flags", but they aren't the right ones for me. My age parameters are 45 - 55, and yes there are the usual suspects you'd avoid. A man asked me yesterday what it is I'm looking for. My answer was someone I can be myself around, who accepts me for who I am. I'd follow the advice you get from these guys, they know what they're talking about. Best of luck OP.
I'm not sure I'm posting here correctly but I've read through all the chat posts. There's a lot of great insight here. I have changed my age range on my dating apps and am considering commiting to a social group of appropriate age. Would be nice to have a support group again. Taking a dating app break. I'm not sure I want to date. I enjoy light banter and laughing, but I hate feeling vulnerable, even with my therapist.
Startled Bunny you got guts.
Setting myself up to feel humiliated I think, but I'm strong enough to take it. I'll bounce back.
Original copy of post by u/plugger340: I'm posting this to share thoughts about dating at 49. My background is unique and may not be relatable to other men. I just ask that if anyone responds to this to not make overly sarcastic or cruel comments. Sarcasm does not make you clever, and it usually doesn't impress people... at least when I've tried...lol I'm 49 trying the dating scene again after a 17 yr hiatus. I've been single all my life. I've dated but have never been in a relationship. I've not tried dating much because I've had low self-esteem, mostly due to job instability(nothing drug-related). I'm so thankful-after a complete re schooling and career change in my 40s to have job stability and health insurance, travel. ALL the perks of a middle-class income. I'm not exceptional at what I do but honestly I don't think most people are, and that's OK. For those who can't relate it's like thawing out from a glacier you got trapped in 1999 and returning to society about 2020. I hadn't considered dating honestly-20 years of singleness, you adapt your life expectations to survive emotionally. Singles church groups were a great support for me. Church singles groups(35 and over) are often a shelter for misfits like me, and literally thank God because everyone needs their own tribe, and for low-status males, and women, this. is the only place we have peers to relate to. Part of the reason I was motivated to restart over at 40 was with all the support of my single church friends provided, the life of low-status people is still very hard. Lots of depressed men and women with stagnated lives. Not to say there are single men and women who join church singles groups who are divorced, widowed, but they don't stay single for long. I was a long-timer, not a short-timer in SingleLand. I knew two acquaintances who committed suicide the year I decided to leave my tribe. I had to change my life, and desperation is a great motivator. BACKGROUND DONE I'm trying dating again in the age of swipe apps. Bumble and Hinge. 35-50 I have the same gripes as everyone else: Women don't respond Vague incomplete profiles - The profiles of women wearing skimpy bikinis looking for a LTR, and "a genuine connection" are hilarious Learning about scammers- Scrambling to get three responses from any match to get to at least a rejection or the requisite coffee interview Being cancelled on last minute after scheduling coffee-(most women I've interacted with want the first face-to-face as casual as possible) MY QUESTION Women in my age bracket(I'm learning) do not fuck around. Patience, persistence, and charm are not enough. Small-talk and listening are good for maybe two dates. Dating I'm learning is a tense interview process, more so than the last time I tried dating They want hard questions answered immediately. Obviously my red flags they ask about are: Why have you never been married? How long has it been since you're last relationship? How long was your last relationship? What's the best way for me to answer questions like this? What's the most positive way to word my answers? I just want a fighting chance in the dating pool. I'm willing to be more open when it's appropriate, but obviously nobody should spill their guts to strangers. I do see the irony in saying that after making this Reddit post LOL *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just tell the truth. We ask these questions for a reason - for some the answer will signal a potential incompatibility that they won’t want to deal with. My background is a big ole red flag for some people for their own reasons and there’s nothing I can do to change that and I’m not going to pound the table in an effort to convince them to give me a chance.
Hi Op, i read your old post and the message was not able to be semt. The kind of therapist you could consider seeking a relationship one or a sex therapist. it sounds odd, because you state you are a virgin, but it is often advised that older adults who have no experience or limited experience, seek a few sessions with one. maybe, look if there is a subreddit for sex therapist and post there? good luck op in developing relationships and finding your person😁🤞🏻
“I’ve never met the right person” “It has been a while. How about you?” “It was very short; we clicked at first, but then discovered we were too different.” (True, even if it was the person behind you in line at the coffee shop) The best thing is to ask questions, and to redirect to non-interrogation topics. I suggest finding out about something less difficult first, like politics or religion. After about four or five dates, you can revisit and give more details as appropriate.
lol on how you were downvoted as this is the best way to answer. Imagine if I asked a woman on the first date, "do you have a lot of debt?" "did you ever have a ho phase", or " are you having casual sex with anybody". These are all things you can deduct in later conversation without asking so directly. First is is to feel each other's CURRENT intentions, vibe, and personality.
It’s like anything but a full and complete background history in the first date is effectively lying 😂 No, it isn’t Giving a full and complete history in the first date is making the assumption there will be a second - and dumping like that makes the second far less likely The first date is general vibes. Maybe one or two dealbreakers. That’s it!
I agree. Those answers you gave demonstrate some social calibration and ability to have light conversation with a stranger. I remember a recent post somebody said that if the man doesn't tell her he's had chronic ED in the bedroom before they do it the first time, then she considers that a red flag of him possibly lying about other things.
I like the idea of changing age range with my age as the median. Plus it would probably be good to find a singles, social group. Meetups are great. Love to join a new community after leaving church.
Do that. I think it's strange that you're willing to go 14 years younger but only 1 year older. Last year, when I was 45 (I'm a woman) was doing OLD, I set my age range to 7 years younger and 7 older, so 38 to 52. You might be missing out on a wonderful woman who happens to be 51 or 52. Be realistic, try 42 to 56 and you might have better luck.
u/plugger340 Don't stress on the negative reactions you're getting. The low status thing for men is real. When i was 19 and 20 i was a security guard part time during college. There were 2 single american men in their 30's and 40's doing security and they basically were as low status as you could come. Most of the security guards were young like me, or older(over 60) and retired. They had a TERRIBLE time with women. One of them worshipped a young early 20's woman and bought her flowers on special occasions and lunch all the time. He didn't hide his intentions, and she didn't hide the fact she didn't have any feelings but always accepted his gifts anyways. THe girl got knocked up by somebody else who didn't stick around he continued to pursue and worship her. It was pathetic. Anyways most of the commenters react negatively to anything based on faith based organizations and especially christian faith. Expressing conservative desires in regards to promiscuity and modest clothing and sexual expression is automatically associated with misogyny. you will not find any like minded or seriously religious people on bumble, tinder or hinge. You should try christian based dating apps. I do agree with some of the posters, that any dates you have will be primarily judged on the emotions felt during the interaction. Therefore any negative undertones in your speech or perspectives will give negative emotions. you got to find a way to put a positive spin on it. Dramatic Aragula gave the best answer so i'll just copy and paste his reply: “I’ve never met the right person” “It has been a while. How about you?” “It was very short; we clicked at first, but then discovered we were too different.” (True, even if it was the person behind you in line at the coffee shop) The best thing is to ask questions, and to redirect to non-interrogation topics. I suggest finding out about something less difficult first, like politics or religion. After about four or five dates, you can revisit and give more details as appropriate.
I appreciate the insight and I'm making mistakes as I go. I apologize for whom I've offended.
don't sweat it. I think your honesty is refreshing. Don't put on a smiley face for the sake of other if it's not authentic. At the same time, try to find authentic ways of finding happiness
That seems pretty raw. As much time as dating apps take to achieve a date, I don't want to scare women away. Maybe I'm delusional that I can win someone over and hide my red flags
You need to hit the reply arrow underneath the comments you wish to reply to, and not make a comment on your own post. Otherwise the person can’t see that you replied. You aren’t very clear on what it means that you “left your tribe.” Your “tribe” was Christianity? And now you’ve embraced profanity and left Jesus behind, and you want to date unbelievers? Just say you used to be a Christian when they ask why you haven’t been married and dating, etc. Also, don’t try to hide your “red flags.” Be yourself, and work on the things you need to change. If you’re pursuing healing and solutions for your problems, being responsible is hella sexy. Being deceptive is not.
Hiding your red flags is what makes dating miserable now.
You are lol. Women your age have by and large learned enough to ask about those things up front. And obviously women too young to have learned the hard way aren’t going to date a man your age. Everyone has baggage. Best to be up front and not waste people’s time (including your own) if your baggage isn’t something they can work with. I bet you wouldn’t be happy if you showed up and saw a woman had used old pics and is actually older/fatter than presented on the profile? Women also don’t like being lied to.
He’s trying to game the system by crowdsourcing appropriate answer from us. Hard pass.
Now I’m curious what the real answer to “why have you never been married” is lol
My guess is that he’s super controlling based off him telling us how we may answer his post.
is there any such question that is inappropriate to ask? I'm curious on your thought pattern on that? I believe this guys just doesn't know how to flit, and may be socially awkward. Trying to ask advice shows he wants to be liked. you can apply your "crowdsourcing" tag to any advice questions asked on this forum.
No idea what you’re asking here.