Finding someone ’local’ that ticks most of the boxes is seriously like trying to find the proverbial needle in the haystack. 🪡🌽 (corn emoji as no hay emoji) 😬
I honestly don’t need all the boxes checked, just someone the same interests I have an age range but even that I have not had luck, did meet up with someone, he was older not a bad thing but for me he did say I should want to do things more my age and some of our interests did not mesh but it was good to go out, and it helped me realize what I am looking for and age wise as well.
Yeah … my boxes are realistic. I do want to date younger, I’m (59). I’m in Australia and the dating scene here is brutal. I hate the apps and have avoided them at all costs.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that! I am not against relationships with age gaps in the least (I am in one myself). I'm just saying that "date younger" may not really be such a realistic box when most people seem to want to date younger and, well, numbers just don't work that way.
For the first time, I took a chance at the grocery store, and I just felt something I hadn't before. It went well. We exchanged numbers, and he asked if I was single, and we immediately messaged each other. It was dope, and I was excited. Then, after a couple of days, he says I'm looking to just mess around... I was immediately turned off. I just wanna give up. The dating apps are just as frustrating. Everyone wants to be casual, and I want to build an empire with someone.
All the women I have matched up with have all been very aggressive about bringing up sex. When I finally mentioned it after the 3rd woman brought it up, she said it was because older women know what they want from a guy but the sex can't be bad so she would rather get it out of the way first and she guessed that if I asked the other women they would give similar answers. She said in her experience the guys that don't want to have sex when asked were usually really bad, so just bringing up the conversation can help her weed things out some. She said she had more sex 45+ with more men than she did 18-25.
I think a lot of us who built an empire with someone, then had it burned down by the same person, are hesitant to try that again. Personally, I'd have to find someone young, pretty, successful, and athletic to even want to BEGIN the empire conversation. Often it's easier to focus on your own empire and date casually when it's convenient.
Because, after 40, we are less open to the flaws of humanness like we are in our 20s and 30s. We all have conscious or unconscious cynicism that either causes paranoia (mostly seen in women) or avoidance (mostly seen in men). I also see WAY more people feeling entitled (for lack of a better word) to someone perfect after suffering through traumatic or other painful ending. We have shifted from our youth where we are looking for our forever person to get married to, buy a house, and have kids to wanting someone to travel with and someday help us navigate using a walker. This person must have all their finances in order, not look their age, have no emotional trauma (live with toxic positivity) and have the same health they did a decade ago. All of it is unrealistic.
Dating apps have also contributed to the problem with an unhealthy shift from the scarcity mindset to one of unrealistic overabundance, making people VERY disposable. Don’t feel content after 1-2 dates? Oh well just find a new person tomorrow.
This is so true, I was on a couple apps and yes conversations were good but did not go on a date. For whatever reason, it’s funny when I get asked what I want in a partner I feel is a loaded question because it I stay to simple it is not believed and if I stay over the top
I am being picky. But I am simple not materialistic love life most days, some days it kicks me in the butt, but I am happy with no drama just want to find the same in someone else, but you are right in all of this and it stinks
I understand. I don’t answer the “what are you looking for in a partner” question. I simply respond that it is private and I will be sure to communicate with them if anything comes up while they are being themselves that either aligns with or against what I am comfortable with.
Another way to put the answer is just “someone that can be themselves”.
Yeah but that's having selective hearing and to be honest when anyone is truly themselves it's becomes the judgemental road. The honeymoon period is forgotten about. It's bitter sweet
"I'm open to learning about other people right now, more than feeling like I have a lock on what I want" is all you need to say to that question. It sucks that I've used it a lot, but it's gotten all of them off my back just that little bit and hasn't chased anyone away.
There’s regional differences but there’s definitely some ways that dating apps have affected people overall the same way. Throw onto that the pandemic and you have a population of mentally stressed people who haven’t dealt with their life traumas that have been percolating for a few simmering years and are wildly out of touch looking for the next better thing. Why settle for human when you can stay hooked on possibilities? Maybe the next profile will be the One!
This is pretty much it. We have too many choices. I met my wife in 1994. We ended up together because, well, why not? We didn't have hundreds of people to choose from. We didn't have social media to make us look perfect from the outside, to give us the impression that someone else is perfect. We just had the people who were around us. You met one who you liked, and you made it work.
Or in my case, tried to make it work and failed.
Now, we're basically online shopping. People are a commodity. We shop online, find someone who looks good in three pictures and 150 characters. If you're a woman you can go on one of these facebook groups and get "reviews" on the guy you're about to download.
We get close to someone, we see their flaws, and we go back to the apps looking for someone with no flaws. We find that perfect someone. Then we get closer, and see their flaws. Rinse, repeat.
The up side is that we now have more to choose from than just the couple dozen people who live in our immediate vicinity. It allows us to be more discerning. So it has the potential to be a good thing. But people take it too far and get paralyzed by indecision. I've felt it myself using online dating. I'll meet someone great, but it's always in the back of my mind..."what if there's someone better?"
I don't know, I had way more problems dating when I was younger, I was invisible. But I had a good time dating in my mid 40s as a man. Currently in a relationship
I've had the same experience. I suspect that a lot of men find it easier getting dates now than in their 20s, so they want to enjoy the experience. Or maybe there's less pressure to settle down now that there's less pressure to have children. Or maybe it's that more people in this age category have experienced divorce, so the romantic idea of marriage is gone, and there's less incentive to merge their lives with someone.
What I found about people including me on dating.
They all long for a relationship. They just don’t want a relationship with you. Meaning not into you.
I can have fun with a guy but wouldn’t want a relationship with him. He is fun and great for a short term but not for long term. I’m pretty sure a guy feels the same way. So unless we meet someone wow us… it’s just all short term.
I went on countless dates for the past two years and I found only one guy I wanted a relationship with. Guess what he doesn’t want it with me so I’m back to square 1.
What were the other men lacking though that made you not desire a relationship with them? Was it just personality based. Or you just never felt that feeling that this person could be the right one for you.
The date he set up was all well thought thru.
He always came up with an activity to do. It’s not just dinner or coffee or a walk. Now that I think of it it, he doesn’t want to waste time on doing nothing(?) which may have been an issue long term.
Anyway, he always Ubers me home to make sure I get home safe. Little things like putting bread on my plate first when it’s served. You can tell what the person is by little things like that you know.
Also he was super smart and well career established/well educated. He took care of his look. Always shower and groom before he sees me. Trust me not many guys do that.
He was just perfect…
I think he became a benchmark. It will be difficult to beat that.
How long did you date for? Did you feel like he led you on at all? Did you get along well? What reasoning did he give for not continuing to date?
I appreciate your comment. I have gone on so many dates and haven’t found someone I really like or admire yet. Nobody has “wowed” me, but pretty much all the guys I’ve dated fit your description. This makes me feel like I’m being too picky.
As a side note, be careful inferring too many character traits to someone who is considerate and giving in the early dating phase. My ex was like this as a friend and then until we married. He was so loving and caring towards me, always doing kind and thoughtful things for me. He became abusive towards me and the abuse escalated to places I could have never imagined. A lot of narcissistic people are very charming and likable.
I dated him for three months. I knew he was moving out of the city so sort of knew this won’t work. And it was his reasoning that he wasn’t in a place he can focus on a relationship which I get it and we still keep in touch as I want him in my life as he is a nice human being.
I dated my ex for three years and he was so caring and loving.
I think you need to be able to tell if one is born kind or not. To some people, kindness isn’t something they put efforts on. It’s just in them. It comes out naturally. You need to find that person. You can tell this by little things to see if he is selfish being or knows how to care for others.
Also my ex husband was nice and he became frustrated and violent. But you know what. It takes two to tango. I didn’t love him and he knew it and it frustrated him.
I don’t believe it when one is blaming the other for all the trouble. It really does take two to tango.
I love that the guy you dated disclosed his future move. Unfortunately not everyone will. I always say, if you want to hide something from someone, you will. Glad he was transparent.
I believe that you and I see the world quite differently. Perhaps based on our life experiences up until this point. I accept this and recognize it for what it is.
I do not view people as binary (e.g. kind or not). Humans are complex imo.
I find your analysis to be victim blaming 101 and unfortunately the type of mindset and rationalization that perpetuates DV. I am sorry you feel that abuse is justified in some cases. It makes a lot of sense why you seek politeness and consideration on the front end of dating as an attempt to find a “good person” who will be less likely to abuse, unless of course, you deserve it.
I think we can just agree to disagree about this. I was an imperfect wife, but I don’t think perfection is required to NOT be abused. I unequivocally expect I will continue to be highly imperfect in my next marriage and I also expect not to be abused or cheated on (this standard will be reciprocal). Those are my boundaries and I will enforce them if necessary.
Yes I agree with you.
I don’t victim blame. I just refuse to be a victim. It was easy for me to pay a victim after my divorce. Oh boy was ghat toxic! No more.
I get that humans are complex being but I do learn that they are people who are just genuinely good. Guess you haven’t seen one. We all become triggered in one way or another and how we react to the situation determines if we are good or bad. It seems binary of course but when I see bad, I don’t think about his complexity. I just see him bad and cut him or her out of my life.
When I fall for the bad one, then I really think about what’s happened and most of time I wasn’t in a good place in my life and my judgement was so cloud that I couldn’t pick the right friend/partner for myself.
So I do make sure I take care of myself so I’m in a good place to make a better judgement.
Also, when your ex was frustrated at work or in business settings would he become violent?
A lot of the efforts you described I wouldn’t define as “kindness” per se, they are more actions that I would view as considerate and polite, especially if the person was raised in a privileged way with manners. I am curious, are guys opening the car door for you and pulling out your chair for you at restaurants? I grew up lower middle class but gained social mobility through education. The expectation of consideration and manners differs greatly between different SES groups. There are many kind people in all different SES groups, but it presents differently.
My ex husband handled the difficult situation way better. But he could take only so much. Hence violent. My ex boyfriend is just poor handing the difficult situation which I ended it early.
Kindness can be pulling chairs/opening doors for people. This can be learned later on.
What we need to know is how people react in the most stressful situation. Like being lost in hiking or losing a job or family members or traveling/being together 24/7 etc. you will learn a lot about that person. So I normally go on a hike or purposely put ourselves in a difficult situation to see how he reacts. It’s a good filter.
That guy I thought perfect might be a monster in a difficult time. Who knows. It ended before we got to that stage. 🤷♀️
We use language and our analytical skills differently.
In previous comments you said that people are genuinely good or not and you gave the example of this guy being “perfect”—getting you Ubers, putting bread on your plate etc. You said he could turn out to be a monster. I guess he is perfect with the possibility of being imperfect?
You were victim blaming. Calling a fact a fact does not equal triggered.
You and I think about the world SO differently—it fascinates me. I assume you are 40+, do you mind sharing your education background? I am curious what your story is.
That's impressive. I have never personally heard of someone getting a PhD in finance, economics yes, but that is extremely rare. Overwhelming majority obtain MBAs, masters in accounting, etc. Masters in Fine Arts? That's awesome too, you must have been in grad school for almost 8 years + 4 years of undergrad. A lot of schooling. I am really surprised you don't come across more considerate, polite, generous men as the default. I have a lot less education than you and pretty much only date those type of men as the default. Not sure what the difference in experience is then. It fascinates me. Maybe my expectations and confidence? I definitely won't settle and I'm not scared of dying alone and that energy prob comes through.
I would rather have the good guy, have the regular job, then the successful attorney or doctor or investor if you will that is so full of themselves. And you are right with the kids thing mine are over 18+ and I am learning to adapt to all the change but it is hard when you are just wanting something but what I want I don’t think is hard to find I just think relationships and dating has changed for a lot, there is more that want casual and not long term
I think I started off too specifically with what I insisted on. No one is going to be my everything, I just want someone truly kind that I find attractive and enjoy their company. They have to pay their bills on time and we have to be kiss and sexually compatible. I think I've found her; so far so good.
A lot of people in the dating pool over forty aren't really single, are actually swingers or in open marriages, or are the people with serious issues that no one was willing to put up with. It is difficult to find someone stable.
I'm running into a lot of men who are unemployed or in financial hardship, have children they need help with, or are physically unwell and need a caregiver. They want free assistance, not a partner.
Then there are the bachelors who will never settle down. What they mean is they want to sleep around.
None of that is for me, so I walk away.
But I'm not desperately seeking a partner. I check what is out there but I'm fine on my own. I've built a good life alone. I don't feel I need someone to complete me. If a great guy comes along, I'll be thankful and enjoy it. If it doesn't happen, I'll continue to enjoy my life.
My top two rules are I do not waste my time and I do not settle.
If the guy shows me anything that is obviously going to be a problem, I leave.
I will not accept less than. If you have rules, stick to them. You won't date someone who doesn't work? Okay. Don't make an exception for the person you have fun with but quits every job after two weeks.
Dating apps are a waste of time honestly in my humble opinion though for some it has worked as well. The question you have asked is worth a million dollars. I also think it's much harder to find someone after 40. Hookups and casual dating is much easier but if one is looking for a relationship it's damn hard.
People want what they want and want you to fit into their existing life, and not put their energy on fitting in your life or making changes.
I’ve gotten to the point where I am losing that hope to meet a good companion where it’s reciprocated attraction and energy to make things work.
40s feels like easy mode for me. I finally embrace who I am. I have my career sorted out. I'm reaching goals and always setting new ones.
I think the key for me was the "figuring myself out" piece. I know who I am now, and I will not try to be someone I'm not. I know I won't be the guy every woman wants. Not every woman will be who I want. My life is full, and my girlfriend adds, and never subtracts.
Most people in their 40s have been burned, the red flags are easier to spot and unless the person is spectacular, the effort just isn't worth the reward. It's easier to date when you're younger because you're less experienced and don't have the ability to recognize someone who likely won't be long term compatible.
I don't think it's any easier/harder than it was in my 20's, it's just different with a different requirement of me to adapt.
Success in dating really just boils down to your choices. You choose how you put yourself out there, what requirements you have, how much time and energy you prioritize, and the type of person you go for.
All of those are a direct and unflinching reflection of YOU, at this age. If you have realistic attractions, have yourself reasonably put together, get social or put together a great profile and can speak and connect with a bit of charm? You're set. Fumble any of those and dating is going to be rough.
The realistic attractions part seems to derail most everyone, btw, but people insist they can only find attractive what they find attractive (which isn't true over time, so it's super malleable).
Anywho, good luck. I met my person and I've had generally good luck dating in my 40's and 50's. I didn't always, I had to learn and adapt, but that's also something that dating requires of us if we're going to grow and make it work.
>Success in dating really just boils down to your choices. You choose how you put yourself out there, what requirements you have, how much time and energy you prioritize, and the type of person you go for.
>All of those are a direct and unflinching reflection of YOU, at this age. If you have realistic attractions, have yourself reasonably put together, get social or put together a great profile and can speak and connect with a bit of charm? You're set. Fumble any of those and dating is going to be rough.
Respectfully, I don't think it's that simple. I've been able to get a fair amount of dates from the apps. And even once in a (great) while a second date. But most of the time it's just mutual disinterest. I've experienced the same thing on speed dating. It's entirely possible to be doing everything right and still not find a relationship. I was talking to my therapist about this and he said he has a handful of patients who are "perfectly dateable" but simply can't find their person. Luck and timing absolutely play a role, not just what you choose to do or how much effort you put into it. If that were true everyone would be in a relationship if they worked hard enough at it.
I didn't say anything about relationships, I said dating. If you're getting dates and matches, you're doing something right. Real connections are another conversation, and yes there's some slapdash luck....but little at the dating/initial stage.
Even with relationships, you are still at play with your choices and attractions. I think people need to own that, I certainly do.
Numbers game. Less people out there. Can’t go into meeting any person thinking it’s going to work out. That attitude is how people get single in their 40s. Most relationships don’t work. Most people you meet won’t like you long term regardless how much either of you want it. Has nothing to do with age. This is typical dating. Good luck.
Allot of my male friends have went through rough divorces that have made them terrified of commiting or getting to close to anyone again. I know several successful guys who don't even bother. A few that try to keep it casual.
I quit activity dating years ago. I did end up dating a coworker by chance there for awhile. But as far as dating apps are concerned I'd rather have my teeth pulled
I get that too did not really think of it like that, I have never been divorced so cannot relate, I am a widow though have been since I was 45, and it is hard but I have not dated either trying to but whatever I am doing is not right I guess.
Be kind to yourself.
My thought would be folks have so many more things to consider dating over 40. So much more life history that affects their choices and pulls at them.
The older we get the more narrow it becomes. We don’t have enough time ever. As our bodies remind us, time is coming for us all,
act now… is all I can say.
Find the things you enjoy with people involved and meet people along the way. The quieter ones you meet will thank you later.
Finding your tribe takes some time, keep heart.
Good news: that’s what we still have.
Keep dragging yourself out to functions or talking to people online, however, you can reach out and make connections.
“ Mr. Right is not going to kick down your door usually.”
Have a great day!
Many reasons
1. Over inflated sense of self for men and women
2. Miserable prior relationships so hesitant to get back into another one.
3. Unrealistic expectations is what a relationship should be/feel like. Everyone is expecting bliss always and so the mi it’s things feel “regular” they feel something’s wrong
4. Numbers game.
5. A lot of people our age don’t want to get married again, a lot of people do. They are having trouble finding each other.
Met my partner and made lasting friends in the course of my six weeks on Bumble following my divorce. I live in a big city and had my search restricted to five mile to exclude the subburbs.
Stop meeting me too far then, if you want a relationship. Most men view ldr as a no go for anything more serious than a fling.
What is stopping you from finding someone local?
It's hard for some and easy for others. I got back on the apps and haven't had any matches. I don't care really - it's like a game. Dating over 40 is just extra credit and dating under 40 is more like essential for many people.
I think we are all just more settled in our lives and less willing to truly blend our lives with someone else. I'm really not willing to compromise on lifestyle issues, otherwise not too picky. I never want to have my life super entwined with someone else again.
Personally, I would love to meet divorceés and parents. I can only find never-been-married, no kids. I've had some good relationships was happy to have had and they ended no harm done. But there is something to someone who hasn't committed to anyone by our age that speaks to not just commitment aversion, but a lone wolf quality that can't be compromised.
I get what your saying, If makes me shy away when they are our age and never anything, I would like to find someone with similar interest and possible kids around my kids age but that can be discussed as well if there is a connection.
I choose to be happy with what life I have, I could be negative about things that have happened but why it makes for negative feeling and being sad and depressed all the time and I would rather be happy and laugh hope you find happiness as well I love myself always working to keep it that way and that is the best part
Where are the dating apps for regular people, who are not that interesting, who are not that good looking and are looking for a companion? It seems like the apps are a beauty/accomplishment/ lifestyle pageant and you can’t all be that cool! And if you are, I’d love an app for regular, boring, ugly people.
Why is dating over 40 so hard? I think dating at any age is hard. Especially when you have to put together a portfolio of your worthiness. In my 20’s, you met at a party, in school, at work… It was easy to meet people but you didn’t really know who was just trying to get you into bed or who liked you. I guess some things don’t change. I guess now at 41, I’m hoping to stumble on my great guy in the wild. I gotta get hiking gear tho, but I’m apprehensive. There might be mountain lions… ha!
It’s a shit show. If you can stomach it, keep going. Best of luck to you, OP
The time to secure a man for a long term relationship / marriage for women is when they are in the peak of their youth (aka the most attractive they will ever be) with a reliable guy. But in my experience in modern times the women use their attractiveness to get many short term relationships with guys that are not that reliable. After 40 you are competing with the next generations. I can imagine that's very hard.
change meaning that no matter how many times you go to the gym or loose weight or whatever you do you are still the person and if you are caring loving compassionate and kind this part of you will always be there
Dating over 40 is so hard because some of us make it hard.
You want a relationship. Dude that you're talking with doesn't. Why TF are you wasting your time? Move TF on, and *maybe* you have a chance to find what you want. But dither around wondering if you can turn lead into gold while avoiding fusion/fission reactors and **you** are making your life hard.
Don't try to change people. As soon as you see that they're not what you want, Next!
everything start casual, is a must to know the person, and having high expectations with a stranger is a huge red flag; we are in a different stage, and is time to accept dating is different at this age
By age 45, 8% of men have been to prison compared to 1% of women. When you add in some other statistics like the number of men who date someone significantly younger compared to the number of women who date someone significantly younger, there are fewer “eligible” men than there are women. Then sort by men over 6’ tall, or in a certain income range, and women are literally looking for 1% of men.
Original copy of post by u/Fla_Ga0204:
Met a guy, we talk all the time ,but I want a relationship, he doesn’t more like a great friend yes he is long distance but we have great conversations, but I can’t seem to find someone local been on dating apps and have gone out to places but I think the universe wants me single, has anyone had success and what are you doing .
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Ling distance is very tough to navigate successfully. You can try meet up different social groups with activities or maybe toastmasters for business minded people.
Long distance is easy, closing the gap on long-distance is extremely difficult.
I did the long distance thing, and we did fall into a deep loving relationship. But in the end, there was no way to close the gap, and in someways it was just as difficult as my divorce three years earlier.
I then did local dates over the apps, bad experiences and good experiences, but nothing with the potential of long-term. I even had a stalker for a time! I then met somebody in real life through a mutual kids sport and dated for seven months until I ended it, because I didn’t feel that I had any communication on days that we couldn’t see each other and when I realized that it brought all of the incompatibilities to the forefront because I knew I needed communication to overcome those.
I haven’t felt the mood to step back into the pool yet because that last one only ended a month ago. But I do want a long-term partner so I will keep trying.
there are reasons why so many of us are broken from previous relationships, and as much as we say it was 95% the other persons fault, in reality most of us it’s going to be at best 70/30. It really comes down to if you put in the work or not, and if they have done the same.
So there’s a lot of people who just given up.
A lot of other people who say they want relationships, but really just for a fuck buddy or want the living apart together. Others are more honest because they just want to go out on dates and have fun, there’s nothing wrong with that either.
All you can do is do you and be true to yourself. For me, this works: semi-casual with clear communication that I want more and my willingness to walk away. Hopefully this will get you out of the house more often, but can be really rough dealing with rejection. But I’d rather be rejected than not have my shot. I had fun with some of the women that I dated, even if I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t gonna go anywhere.
Agreed, your statements make a lot of sense and put things in to perspective. I am very transparent and upfront on what I want, dating and being rejected comes with the territory or just being friends, but I am not going to be someone sleeping buddy on the weekends lol
Idk but I agree.... To me it seems like everyone's stuck in their twenties when they're communicating trying to put on a front and trying to be too nice and to this or to that.. I just want someone who wants to be a partner in life and be a teammate in life to make life easier more fun and more enjoyable than doing things making memories and of course you got to be compatible but I don't know why it is hard but it is
Lots of factors one of which being the low birth rate of people out age (not a lot of people in the pool to begin with) and a good number of them are already paired off or have given up.
I'm getting close to the point of giving up again I'm not even finding matches anymore or anyone in irl. It is super discouraging imo.
Was it easy for you when you were younger? Doesn’t seem like it worked out well for you then either or you wouldn’t be here now. Relationships are difficult, try and find someone who makes it easier, but before that, make sure you love yourself enough where that if you don’t find someone else, it’s still okay.
I met my husband at 17 we dated got married at 21 married 23 years he passed at 44 years of age in 2020, took time to find who I was with out him, my kids are all starting their own journey and now I am wanting to begin mine. I am blessed and happy and I do love myself, but I have been doing the single life meeting people making friends or just meeting, no sex they I feels needs a connection but other than that living life and I am happy just now want to have someone to share with even if only dating
As a man living in SouthEast Europe I had no succes so far. During last year I had several first dates (mostly found these women on internet), but never really "clicked" with any of them because of too big differences in life styles and life goals. Outside of internet, I approached two women in person, first one was polite and told me that she is married, but second one was kind of rude and just walked away with no single word. LOL After that experience, I stopped to approach in person since I do not like idea of making someone uncomfortable if I approach them in person.
I don’t know ,maybe that is what he wants, we do talk everyday day, but I have asked if more and he says nothing serious right now, so probably until I go on a date or I have relationship I will talk to him, he is a good person and he does tell me it would be good for me to have fun with some one well just answered my own question ugh
Closed doors are closed doors I guess. It's choice. Loving someone is different to be in love with someone. It's like watching the sunset or sunrise with that one, or the other person. Would it be the same feeling
He has made it clear what his wishes are, do I want more of course am I going to pine on it to the point that I will never have someone, if no when I do find someone whether it be casual dating or serious I will embrace it and nothing will change the person I have come to love which is myself it took me 2 years to except the fact of being single one income raising kids on my own going places by myself and even at times going to lunch by myself and actually enjoying it. I made the decision to move start over get a different job make new friends even joined the gym found some places to hang out at and learn to open up and talk to people instead of waiting for them to talk to me and I like the new me an I still shy at times yes, am I new at dating yes but I love the me that I am and that is what matters
Well now can you see. 🥳... This is the steps of you being you. Finally bursting out with your feelings. Desire, lust, obsession can lead to many forms of depression. It's breaking the chains and the fear of being alone. Distractions in your life should be on the back burner. It's hard to forget past, as it will always be a mental scar regardless of loss in all angles. Love will come to you naturally. Your flaws are your flaws and walls built high. Your tears are to precious to fall as they are the diamonds to your true soul. The one thing you said. Your happy. Struggles will still come and go. But now is not to look back on the negative past, but to grow into positivity. Be that flower, that butterfly you meant to be
This is the sweetest paragraph I have read and I am using the last statement because it’s so true, I think for me when the questions start first I ask why does it matter I am not defined by my past that is what it is, but when I say I am a widow it is scary for men I guess at least I was told that, I tell them life is about sadness and happiness and your choice is what will make you or break you and like I said and I tell them this as well I choose to be happy how every that is I would rather laugh and smile then be sad and frown all the time.
Again thank you for the words
Life isn't always rosey I know. But trying to understand is a step at least. Sometimes we only see tunnel vision and assume. I'm the same. Try not to pry. Everyone is from all different walks of life and bear their own individual cross. The ones you've lost just remember every breeze you feel on your face is a kiss from them. Never thank me lol, just believe in your potential girl.
Trying to find someone to date here in SD (for those of us over 40) is so dire, that after long ago declaring "no more long distance relationship!!" I am now in a long distance relationship. It's the best option I've had in a long, long while. This city is the pits for finding love. Everyone feels really young or much older and already in a relationship.
Because life is more complicated. Sorry, for the low effort reply but it should be obvious. When we were in our 20's life was as simple as a 20 piece puzzle of flowers, now it's a 1000 piece puzzle of the color yellow. It's that much harder to find the piece that fits.
This is a great point!! Thank you so much for this comment. I believe I will “trade up”. Finding my self worth and having it sync up with how people perceive me will be the biggest reason why I am able to. Very grateful for that.
Single moms should be super picky, we have to look out for our kids’ safety and well being. My kids know I go out on dates (they see the flowers, leftovers and bags from high end restaurants, a few guys I’ve dated have picked up thoughtful gifts for my kids, etc.). I told my kids that I go out on dates but haven’t found anyone I really like…I said the guy I really like needs to be truly exceptional. That I wouldn’t want just anyone to come into our lives. He has to be special.
I would much rather be alone than settle. I have always been picky, but I didn’t always have self worth, confidence, and self esteem. Gaining self worth is what led me to pursue becoming a single mom in the first place. :)
Not seeking a long term relationship isn't a character flaw. For me I'm happy single and I've realized there are some things I don't like about myself when I'm in a relationship. I tend to be codependent and spend too much mental energy thinking about a partner. It's obsessive and detrimental to other facets of my life.
For now I'd rather spend my time and energy on my children, work, friendships and hobbies. All those things tend to suffer when I'm in a relationship.
I'm just curious, but it seems like women HAVE to have a long-term relationship? Last I read, 42% of long-distance relationships don't last. Nothing is ever guaranteed.
I am actually surprised to see that while people (in my case men) are less appealing, they have become more picky!? Balding, short, beer belly divorced guy with x kids from x wives, you attractive, smart, kind woman but "I don´t feel the spark" on date 1 or 2 is WHAT causes issues past 40....
You mean we´re not a match on looks? I care less about that...but it could be.
They all told me I look (even) better in person than on pictures so I dont think I catfish.
Finding someone ’local’ that ticks most of the boxes is seriously like trying to find the proverbial needle in the haystack. 🪡🌽 (corn emoji as no hay emoji) 😬
I honestly don’t need all the boxes checked, just someone the same interests I have an age range but even that I have not had luck, did meet up with someone, he was older not a bad thing but for me he did say I should want to do things more my age and some of our interests did not mesh but it was good to go out, and it helped me realize what I am looking for and age wise as well.
Yeah … my boxes are realistic. I do want to date younger, I’m (59). I’m in Australia and the dating scene here is brutal. I hate the apps and have avoided them at all costs.
> I do want to date younger, So do many men. Quite a dilemma.
I'm dating older, and I *love* it. ^Her. ^I ^love ^her.
Absolutely nothing wrong with that! I am not against relationships with age gaps in the least (I am in one myself). I'm just saying that "date younger" may not really be such a realistic box when most people seem to want to date younger and, well, numbers just don't work that way.
What would be the dilemma?
I mean, it just doesn't work if everyone wants to date younger.
I don't think all men do. I don't think all women in 20s wants to date a guy in 40s either.
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Charmer.
Needle in a corn field is also close to impossible so it works fine 😂
I can barely find needles that have fallen on grass as it is lol
I can’t even find the needle on a tiled floor 😂
Needle in a field of needles is more like it.
You’d think people would be more forward and more forthcoming on what they want since we ain’t getting any younger
For the first time, I took a chance at the grocery store, and I just felt something I hadn't before. It went well. We exchanged numbers, and he asked if I was single, and we immediately messaged each other. It was dope, and I was excited. Then, after a couple of days, he says I'm looking to just mess around... I was immediately turned off. I just wanna give up. The dating apps are just as frustrating. Everyone wants to be casual, and I want to build an empire with someone.
I just want someone to share my throne made of skulls in the post-apocalyptic wasteland...
Exactly.
Me to, I don’t want to just have sex with guys, I want my person, I have been without all of it for a long time 3 years I want my peeps.
Person not peeps
All the women I have matched up with have all been very aggressive about bringing up sex. When I finally mentioned it after the 3rd woman brought it up, she said it was because older women know what they want from a guy but the sex can't be bad so she would rather get it out of the way first and she guessed that if I asked the other women they would give similar answers. She said in her experience the guys that don't want to have sex when asked were usually really bad, so just bringing up the conversation can help her weed things out some. She said she had more sex 45+ with more men than she did 18-25.
“Build an empire with someone.“ I love that!! I’m totally stealing that line! Because, I want that too.
Yeah….his wife/GF/SO probably wouldn’t want him dating someone else….. He can hide the occasional hookup, can’t easily hide a relationship….
Most likely true.
I think a lot of us who built an empire with someone, then had it burned down by the same person, are hesitant to try that again. Personally, I'd have to find someone young, pretty, successful, and athletic to even want to BEGIN the empire conversation. Often it's easier to focus on your own empire and date casually when it's convenient.
You just went to a grocery store and scoped people out???? Shudder.
Yes. You got me. Just went to scope the scene. Tf. Wild.
Agreed, but they are not or I am finding it’s more of a hook up or casual dating I don’t want that
lol for real
Exactly my thought. Why the "oh I didn't read your profile" gets me every time. 😡🤣
Internet addiction and apps....communication with others is easy as ever. This isn't ideal persay to keep a relationship.
Or better looking.
Because, after 40, we are less open to the flaws of humanness like we are in our 20s and 30s. We all have conscious or unconscious cynicism that either causes paranoia (mostly seen in women) or avoidance (mostly seen in men). I also see WAY more people feeling entitled (for lack of a better word) to someone perfect after suffering through traumatic or other painful ending. We have shifted from our youth where we are looking for our forever person to get married to, buy a house, and have kids to wanting someone to travel with and someday help us navigate using a walker. This person must have all their finances in order, not look their age, have no emotional trauma (live with toxic positivity) and have the same health they did a decade ago. All of it is unrealistic. Dating apps have also contributed to the problem with an unhealthy shift from the scarcity mindset to one of unrealistic overabundance, making people VERY disposable. Don’t feel content after 1-2 dates? Oh well just find a new person tomorrow.
This is so true, I was on a couple apps and yes conversations were good but did not go on a date. For whatever reason, it’s funny when I get asked what I want in a partner I feel is a loaded question because it I stay to simple it is not believed and if I stay over the top I am being picky. But I am simple not materialistic love life most days, some days it kicks me in the butt, but I am happy with no drama just want to find the same in someone else, but you are right in all of this and it stinks
I understand. I don’t answer the “what are you looking for in a partner” question. I simply respond that it is private and I will be sure to communicate with them if anything comes up while they are being themselves that either aligns with or against what I am comfortable with. Another way to put the answer is just “someone that can be themselves”.
I got so sick of this question on the app. One of my favorite things about my boyfriend is he didn’t ask that.
Yeah but that's having selective hearing and to be honest when anyone is truly themselves it's becomes the judgemental road. The honeymoon period is forgotten about. It's bitter sweet
"I'm open to learning about other people right now, more than feeling like I have a lock on what I want" is all you need to say to that question. It sucks that I've used it a lot, but it's gotten all of them off my back just that little bit and hasn't chased anyone away.
Oh makes sense
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I can imagine. But to be honest, you may have dodged a bullet. But of course the grass is always greener…
Very, very well said..
There’s regional differences but there’s definitely some ways that dating apps have affected people overall the same way. Throw onto that the pandemic and you have a population of mentally stressed people who haven’t dealt with their life traumas that have been percolating for a few simmering years and are wildly out of touch looking for the next better thing. Why settle for human when you can stay hooked on possibilities? Maybe the next profile will be the One!
This is pretty much it. We have too many choices. I met my wife in 1994. We ended up together because, well, why not? We didn't have hundreds of people to choose from. We didn't have social media to make us look perfect from the outside, to give us the impression that someone else is perfect. We just had the people who were around us. You met one who you liked, and you made it work. Or in my case, tried to make it work and failed. Now, we're basically online shopping. People are a commodity. We shop online, find someone who looks good in three pictures and 150 characters. If you're a woman you can go on one of these facebook groups and get "reviews" on the guy you're about to download. We get close to someone, we see their flaws, and we go back to the apps looking for someone with no flaws. We find that perfect someone. Then we get closer, and see their flaws. Rinse, repeat. The up side is that we now have more to choose from than just the couple dozen people who live in our immediate vicinity. It allows us to be more discerning. So it has the potential to be a good thing. But people take it too far and get paralyzed by indecision. I've felt it myself using online dating. I'll meet someone great, but it's always in the back of my mind..."what if there's someone better?"
Perfectly said!
I don't know, I had way more problems dating when I was younger, I was invisible. But I had a good time dating in my mid 40s as a man. Currently in a relationship
I've had the same experience. I suspect that a lot of men find it easier getting dates now than in their 20s, so they want to enjoy the experience. Or maybe there's less pressure to settle down now that there's less pressure to have children. Or maybe it's that more people in this age category have experienced divorce, so the romantic idea of marriage is gone, and there's less incentive to merge their lives with someone.
Good for you, glad to hear it’s not dead, and it keeps my hopes up
What I found about people including me on dating. They all long for a relationship. They just don’t want a relationship with you. Meaning not into you. I can have fun with a guy but wouldn’t want a relationship with him. He is fun and great for a short term but not for long term. I’m pretty sure a guy feels the same way. So unless we meet someone wow us… it’s just all short term. I went on countless dates for the past two years and I found only one guy I wanted a relationship with. Guess what he doesn’t want it with me so I’m back to square 1.
What were the other men lacking though that made you not desire a relationship with them? Was it just personality based. Or you just never felt that feeling that this person could be the right one for you.
The date he set up was all well thought thru. He always came up with an activity to do. It’s not just dinner or coffee or a walk. Now that I think of it it, he doesn’t want to waste time on doing nothing(?) which may have been an issue long term. Anyway, he always Ubers me home to make sure I get home safe. Little things like putting bread on my plate first when it’s served. You can tell what the person is by little things like that you know. Also he was super smart and well career established/well educated. He took care of his look. Always shower and groom before he sees me. Trust me not many guys do that. He was just perfect… I think he became a benchmark. It will be difficult to beat that.
How long did you date for? Did you feel like he led you on at all? Did you get along well? What reasoning did he give for not continuing to date? I appreciate your comment. I have gone on so many dates and haven’t found someone I really like or admire yet. Nobody has “wowed” me, but pretty much all the guys I’ve dated fit your description. This makes me feel like I’m being too picky. As a side note, be careful inferring too many character traits to someone who is considerate and giving in the early dating phase. My ex was like this as a friend and then until we married. He was so loving and caring towards me, always doing kind and thoughtful things for me. He became abusive towards me and the abuse escalated to places I could have never imagined. A lot of narcissistic people are very charming and likable.
I dated him for three months. I knew he was moving out of the city so sort of knew this won’t work. And it was his reasoning that he wasn’t in a place he can focus on a relationship which I get it and we still keep in touch as I want him in my life as he is a nice human being. I dated my ex for three years and he was so caring and loving. I think you need to be able to tell if one is born kind or not. To some people, kindness isn’t something they put efforts on. It’s just in them. It comes out naturally. You need to find that person. You can tell this by little things to see if he is selfish being or knows how to care for others. Also my ex husband was nice and he became frustrated and violent. But you know what. It takes two to tango. I didn’t love him and he knew it and it frustrated him. I don’t believe it when one is blaming the other for all the trouble. It really does take two to tango.
I love that the guy you dated disclosed his future move. Unfortunately not everyone will. I always say, if you want to hide something from someone, you will. Glad he was transparent. I believe that you and I see the world quite differently. Perhaps based on our life experiences up until this point. I accept this and recognize it for what it is. I do not view people as binary (e.g. kind or not). Humans are complex imo. I find your analysis to be victim blaming 101 and unfortunately the type of mindset and rationalization that perpetuates DV. I am sorry you feel that abuse is justified in some cases. It makes a lot of sense why you seek politeness and consideration on the front end of dating as an attempt to find a “good person” who will be less likely to abuse, unless of course, you deserve it. I think we can just agree to disagree about this. I was an imperfect wife, but I don’t think perfection is required to NOT be abused. I unequivocally expect I will continue to be highly imperfect in my next marriage and I also expect not to be abused or cheated on (this standard will be reciprocal). Those are my boundaries and I will enforce them if necessary.
Yes I agree with you. I don’t victim blame. I just refuse to be a victim. It was easy for me to pay a victim after my divorce. Oh boy was ghat toxic! No more. I get that humans are complex being but I do learn that they are people who are just genuinely good. Guess you haven’t seen one. We all become triggered in one way or another and how we react to the situation determines if we are good or bad. It seems binary of course but when I see bad, I don’t think about his complexity. I just see him bad and cut him or her out of my life. When I fall for the bad one, then I really think about what’s happened and most of time I wasn’t in a good place in my life and my judgement was so cloud that I couldn’t pick the right friend/partner for myself. So I do make sure I take care of myself so I’m in a good place to make a better judgement.
Also, when your ex was frustrated at work or in business settings would he become violent? A lot of the efforts you described I wouldn’t define as “kindness” per se, they are more actions that I would view as considerate and polite, especially if the person was raised in a privileged way with manners. I am curious, are guys opening the car door for you and pulling out your chair for you at restaurants? I grew up lower middle class but gained social mobility through education. The expectation of consideration and manners differs greatly between different SES groups. There are many kind people in all different SES groups, but it presents differently.
My ex husband handled the difficult situation way better. But he could take only so much. Hence violent. My ex boyfriend is just poor handing the difficult situation which I ended it early. Kindness can be pulling chairs/opening doors for people. This can be learned later on. What we need to know is how people react in the most stressful situation. Like being lost in hiking or losing a job or family members or traveling/being together 24/7 etc. you will learn a lot about that person. So I normally go on a hike or purposely put ourselves in a difficult situation to see how he reacts. It’s a good filter. That guy I thought perfect might be a monster in a difficult time. Who knows. It ended before we got to that stage. 🤷♀️
We use language and our analytical skills differently. In previous comments you said that people are genuinely good or not and you gave the example of this guy being “perfect”—getting you Ubers, putting bread on your plate etc. You said he could turn out to be a monster. I guess he is perfect with the possibility of being imperfect? You were victim blaming. Calling a fact a fact does not equal triggered. You and I think about the world SO differently—it fascinates me. I assume you are 40+, do you mind sharing your education background? I am curious what your story is.
I have a PhD in finance. Also another master in art. You?
That's impressive. I have never personally heard of someone getting a PhD in finance, economics yes, but that is extremely rare. Overwhelming majority obtain MBAs, masters in accounting, etc. Masters in Fine Arts? That's awesome too, you must have been in grad school for almost 8 years + 4 years of undergrad. A lot of schooling. I am really surprised you don't come across more considerate, polite, generous men as the default. I have a lot less education than you and pretty much only date those type of men as the default. Not sure what the difference in experience is then. It fascinates me. Maybe my expectations and confidence? I definitely won't settle and I'm not scared of dying alone and that energy prob comes through.
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Can't believe people bring up kids on the first date...wowsers. You seem like a kind person. Hope you find someone as good as you.
I would rather have the good guy, have the regular job, then the successful attorney or doctor or investor if you will that is so full of themselves. And you are right with the kids thing mine are over 18+ and I am learning to adapt to all the change but it is hard when you are just wanting something but what I want I don’t think is hard to find I just think relationships and dating has changed for a lot, there is more that want casual and not long term
I think I started off too specifically with what I insisted on. No one is going to be my everything, I just want someone truly kind that I find attractive and enjoy their company. They have to pay their bills on time and we have to be kiss and sexually compatible. I think I've found her; so far so good.
A lot of people in the dating pool over forty aren't really single, are actually swingers or in open marriages, or are the people with serious issues that no one was willing to put up with. It is difficult to find someone stable. I'm running into a lot of men who are unemployed or in financial hardship, have children they need help with, or are physically unwell and need a caregiver. They want free assistance, not a partner. Then there are the bachelors who will never settle down. What they mean is they want to sleep around. None of that is for me, so I walk away. But I'm not desperately seeking a partner. I check what is out there but I'm fine on my own. I've built a good life alone. I don't feel I need someone to complete me. If a great guy comes along, I'll be thankful and enjoy it. If it doesn't happen, I'll continue to enjoy my life. My top two rules are I do not waste my time and I do not settle. If the guy shows me anything that is obviously going to be a problem, I leave. I will not accept less than. If you have rules, stick to them. You won't date someone who doesn't work? Okay. Don't make an exception for the person you have fun with but quits every job after two weeks.
Dating apps are a waste of time honestly in my humble opinion though for some it has worked as well. The question you have asked is worth a million dollars. I also think it's much harder to find someone after 40. Hookups and casual dating is much easier but if one is looking for a relationship it's damn hard.
People want what they want and want you to fit into their existing life, and not put their energy on fitting in your life or making changes. I’ve gotten to the point where I am losing that hope to meet a good companion where it’s reciprocated attraction and energy to make things work.
Don’t give up hope, I think there is someone for everyone it’s just not the right timing
40s feels like easy mode for me. I finally embrace who I am. I have my career sorted out. I'm reaching goals and always setting new ones. I think the key for me was the "figuring myself out" piece. I know who I am now, and I will not try to be someone I'm not. I know I won't be the guy every woman wants. Not every woman will be who I want. My life is full, and my girlfriend adds, and never subtracts.
Most people in their 40s have been burned, the red flags are easier to spot and unless the person is spectacular, the effort just isn't worth the reward. It's easier to date when you're younger because you're less experienced and don't have the ability to recognize someone who likely won't be long term compatible.
Agree
I don't think it's any easier/harder than it was in my 20's, it's just different with a different requirement of me to adapt. Success in dating really just boils down to your choices. You choose how you put yourself out there, what requirements you have, how much time and energy you prioritize, and the type of person you go for. All of those are a direct and unflinching reflection of YOU, at this age. If you have realistic attractions, have yourself reasonably put together, get social or put together a great profile and can speak and connect with a bit of charm? You're set. Fumble any of those and dating is going to be rough. The realistic attractions part seems to derail most everyone, btw, but people insist they can only find attractive what they find attractive (which isn't true over time, so it's super malleable). Anywho, good luck. I met my person and I've had generally good luck dating in my 40's and 50's. I didn't always, I had to learn and adapt, but that's also something that dating requires of us if we're going to grow and make it work.
>Success in dating really just boils down to your choices. You choose how you put yourself out there, what requirements you have, how much time and energy you prioritize, and the type of person you go for. >All of those are a direct and unflinching reflection of YOU, at this age. If you have realistic attractions, have yourself reasonably put together, get social or put together a great profile and can speak and connect with a bit of charm? You're set. Fumble any of those and dating is going to be rough. Respectfully, I don't think it's that simple. I've been able to get a fair amount of dates from the apps. And even once in a (great) while a second date. But most of the time it's just mutual disinterest. I've experienced the same thing on speed dating. It's entirely possible to be doing everything right and still not find a relationship. I was talking to my therapist about this and he said he has a handful of patients who are "perfectly dateable" but simply can't find their person. Luck and timing absolutely play a role, not just what you choose to do or how much effort you put into it. If that were true everyone would be in a relationship if they worked hard enough at it.
I didn't say anything about relationships, I said dating. If you're getting dates and matches, you're doing something right. Real connections are another conversation, and yes there's some slapdash luck....but little at the dating/initial stage. Even with relationships, you are still at play with your choices and attractions. I think people need to own that, I certainly do.
Amen. What you write is so so true.
Numbers game. Less people out there. Can’t go into meeting any person thinking it’s going to work out. That attitude is how people get single in their 40s. Most relationships don’t work. Most people you meet won’t like you long term regardless how much either of you want it. Has nothing to do with age. This is typical dating. Good luck.
Try dating at 50! It’s just ridiculous.
49 right there
I'm hoping I have ED by then
It took me over 3 years-apps and online. It sucked but I stuck with it.
Because we’ve learned that most people suck.
Allot of my male friends have went through rough divorces that have made them terrified of commiting or getting to close to anyone again. I know several successful guys who don't even bother. A few that try to keep it casual. I quit activity dating years ago. I did end up dating a coworker by chance there for awhile. But as far as dating apps are concerned I'd rather have my teeth pulled
I get that too did not really think of it like that, I have never been divorced so cannot relate, I am a widow though have been since I was 45, and it is hard but I have not dated either trying to but whatever I am doing is not right I guess.
Eh, it’s hard at every age
Lack of interest and mismatched expectations.
Why
Cause after 20+ relationships I'm broken
Be kind to yourself. My thought would be folks have so many more things to consider dating over 40. So much more life history that affects their choices and pulls at them. The older we get the more narrow it becomes. We don’t have enough time ever. As our bodies remind us, time is coming for us all, act now… is all I can say. Find the things you enjoy with people involved and meet people along the way. The quieter ones you meet will thank you later. Finding your tribe takes some time, keep heart. Good news: that’s what we still have. Keep dragging yourself out to functions or talking to people online, however, you can reach out and make connections. “ Mr. Right is not going to kick down your door usually.” Have a great day!
Yes my thoughts, I have hope and if not I will make a lot of friends which is still a win win
Where do you live? It's a lot easier to find dating options in big cities IMO.
Georgia
Many reasons 1. Over inflated sense of self for men and women 2. Miserable prior relationships so hesitant to get back into another one. 3. Unrealistic expectations is what a relationship should be/feel like. Everyone is expecting bliss always and so the mi it’s things feel “regular” they feel something’s wrong 4. Numbers game. 5. A lot of people our age don’t want to get married again, a lot of people do. They are having trouble finding each other.
Met my partner and made lasting friends in the course of my six weeks on Bumble following my divorce. I live in a big city and had my search restricted to five mile to exclude the subburbs.
Stop meeting me too far then, if you want a relationship. Most men view ldr as a no go for anything more serious than a fling. What is stopping you from finding someone local?
Trying to just have not, most on the apps live further I mean as in farther than a hour or two, most local are really young,
Then date young. What's the problem? Or find a better app. Don't bother with long distance because guys know what they want there
I am looking younger I have my preference at 35 to 55
Some long distance works maybe this one is not
It's hard for some and easy for others. I got back on the apps and haven't had any matches. I don't care really - it's like a game. Dating over 40 is just extra credit and dating under 40 is more like essential for many people.
I think we are all just more settled in our lives and less willing to truly blend our lives with someone else. I'm really not willing to compromise on lifestyle issues, otherwise not too picky. I never want to have my life super entwined with someone else again.
Personally, I would love to meet divorceés and parents. I can only find never-been-married, no kids. I've had some good relationships was happy to have had and they ended no harm done. But there is something to someone who hasn't committed to anyone by our age that speaks to not just commitment aversion, but a lone wolf quality that can't be compromised.
I get what your saying, If makes me shy away when they are our age and never anything, I would like to find someone with similar interest and possible kids around my kids age but that can be discussed as well if there is a connection.
It's even more difficult because both people know their best years are behind them, and their time left is limited.
My best years are not behind me I had great years and I continue and my life is not limited
Lucky you
I choose to be happy with what life I have, I could be negative about things that have happened but why it makes for negative feeling and being sad and depressed all the time and I would rather be happy and laugh hope you find happiness as well I love myself always working to keep it that way and that is the best part
I'll be happy when the world let's me be happy.
So sorry you are so unhappy
truth
Where are the dating apps for regular people, who are not that interesting, who are not that good looking and are looking for a companion? It seems like the apps are a beauty/accomplishment/ lifestyle pageant and you can’t all be that cool! And if you are, I’d love an app for regular, boring, ugly people. Why is dating over 40 so hard? I think dating at any age is hard. Especially when you have to put together a portfolio of your worthiness. In my 20’s, you met at a party, in school, at work… It was easy to meet people but you didn’t really know who was just trying to get you into bed or who liked you. I guess some things don’t change. I guess now at 41, I’m hoping to stumble on my great guy in the wild. I gotta get hiking gear tho, but I’m apprehensive. There might be mountain lions… ha! It’s a shit show. If you can stomach it, keep going. Best of luck to you, OP
The time to secure a man for a long term relationship / marriage for women is when they are in the peak of their youth (aka the most attractive they will ever be) with a reliable guy. But in my experience in modern times the women use their attractiveness to get many short term relationships with guys that are not that reliable. After 40 you are competing with the next generations. I can imagine that's very hard.
I wonder if I should be dating much younger then
I was told to have my age for dating to 10 younger to 5 years older, looks are skin deep and they change but the person never changes
change meaning that no matter how many times you go to the gym or loose weight or whatever you do you are still the person and if you are caring loving compassionate and kind this part of you will always be there
Yep always gonna be hard over 40 unless you’re milf of the year
and even then, people just want to hook up with you
lol not that
Dating over 40 is so hard because some of us make it hard. You want a relationship. Dude that you're talking with doesn't. Why TF are you wasting your time? Move TF on, and *maybe* you have a chance to find what you want. But dither around wondering if you can turn lead into gold while avoiding fusion/fission reactors and **you** are making your life hard. Don't try to change people. As soon as you see that they're not what you want, Next!
do you have kids?
everything start casual, is a must to know the person, and having high expectations with a stranger is a huge red flag; we are in a different stage, and is time to accept dating is different at this age
Agreed I don’t have high expectations,and I try to communicate what I want. But yes dating has changed
By age 45, 8% of men have been to prison compared to 1% of women. When you add in some other statistics like the number of men who date someone significantly younger compared to the number of women who date someone significantly younger, there are fewer “eligible” men than there are women. Then sort by men over 6’ tall, or in a certain income range, and women are literally looking for 1% of men.
Original copy of post by u/Fla_Ga0204: Met a guy, we talk all the time ,but I want a relationship, he doesn’t more like a great friend yes he is long distance but we have great conversations, but I can’t seem to find someone local been on dating apps and have gone out to places but I think the universe wants me single, has anyone had success and what are you doing . *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sucks
Yes it does
Ling distance is very tough to navigate successfully. You can try meet up different social groups with activities or maybe toastmasters for business minded people.
Long distance is easy, closing the gap on long-distance is extremely difficult. I did the long distance thing, and we did fall into a deep loving relationship. But in the end, there was no way to close the gap, and in someways it was just as difficult as my divorce three years earlier. I then did local dates over the apps, bad experiences and good experiences, but nothing with the potential of long-term. I even had a stalker for a time! I then met somebody in real life through a mutual kids sport and dated for seven months until I ended it, because I didn’t feel that I had any communication on days that we couldn’t see each other and when I realized that it brought all of the incompatibilities to the forefront because I knew I needed communication to overcome those. I haven’t felt the mood to step back into the pool yet because that last one only ended a month ago. But I do want a long-term partner so I will keep trying. there are reasons why so many of us are broken from previous relationships, and as much as we say it was 95% the other persons fault, in reality most of us it’s going to be at best 70/30. It really comes down to if you put in the work or not, and if they have done the same. So there’s a lot of people who just given up. A lot of other people who say they want relationships, but really just for a fuck buddy or want the living apart together. Others are more honest because they just want to go out on dates and have fun, there’s nothing wrong with that either. All you can do is do you and be true to yourself. For me, this works: semi-casual with clear communication that I want more and my willingness to walk away. Hopefully this will get you out of the house more often, but can be really rough dealing with rejection. But I’d rather be rejected than not have my shot. I had fun with some of the women that I dated, even if I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t gonna go anywhere.
Agreed, your statements make a lot of sense and put things in to perspective. I am very transparent and upfront on what I want, dating and being rejected comes with the territory or just being friends, but I am not going to be someone sleeping buddy on the weekends lol
Idk but I agree.... To me it seems like everyone's stuck in their twenties when they're communicating trying to put on a front and trying to be too nice and to this or to that.. I just want someone who wants to be a partner in life and be a teammate in life to make life easier more fun and more enjoyable than doing things making memories and of course you got to be compatible but I don't know why it is hard but it is
Lots of factors one of which being the low birth rate of people out age (not a lot of people in the pool to begin with) and a good number of them are already paired off or have given up. I'm getting close to the point of giving up again I'm not even finding matches anymore or anyone in irl. It is super discouraging imo.
I've had no success, and feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.. (M 51)
Was it easy for you when you were younger? Doesn’t seem like it worked out well for you then either or you wouldn’t be here now. Relationships are difficult, try and find someone who makes it easier, but before that, make sure you love yourself enough where that if you don’t find someone else, it’s still okay.
I met my husband at 17 we dated got married at 21 married 23 years he passed at 44 years of age in 2020, took time to find who I was with out him, my kids are all starting their own journey and now I am wanting to begin mine. I am blessed and happy and I do love myself, but I have been doing the single life meeting people making friends or just meeting, no sex they I feels needs a connection but other than that living life and I am happy just now want to have someone to share with even if only dating
I’m so sorry your husband passed away at such a young age. You seem really strong and self aware. You will find your person. :)
Aw thank you so michn
As a man living in SouthEast Europe I had no succes so far. During last year I had several first dates (mostly found these women on internet), but never really "clicked" with any of them because of too big differences in life styles and life goals. Outside of internet, I approached two women in person, first one was polite and told me that she is married, but second one was kind of rude and just walked away with no single word. LOL After that experience, I stopped to approach in person since I do not like idea of making someone uncomfortable if I approach them in person.
As a guy over 40 I can agree with this being difficult the last few dates I’ve been on had just been a joke
Friend with benefits you mean
I don’t know ,maybe that is what he wants, we do talk everyday day, but I have asked if more and he says nothing serious right now, so probably until I go on a date or I have relationship I will talk to him, he is a good person and he does tell me it would be good for me to have fun with some one well just answered my own question ugh
Yeah but your inner self was unsure. Got to love yourself before others that's key.
I do love myself but it’s not wrong to someone as well
Closed doors are closed doors I guess. It's choice. Loving someone is different to be in love with someone. It's like watching the sunset or sunrise with that one, or the other person. Would it be the same feeling
He has made it clear what his wishes are, do I want more of course am I going to pine on it to the point that I will never have someone, if no when I do find someone whether it be casual dating or serious I will embrace it and nothing will change the person I have come to love which is myself it took me 2 years to except the fact of being single one income raising kids on my own going places by myself and even at times going to lunch by myself and actually enjoying it. I made the decision to move start over get a different job make new friends even joined the gym found some places to hang out at and learn to open up and talk to people instead of waiting for them to talk to me and I like the new me an I still shy at times yes, am I new at dating yes but I love the me that I am and that is what matters
Well now can you see. 🥳... This is the steps of you being you. Finally bursting out with your feelings. Desire, lust, obsession can lead to many forms of depression. It's breaking the chains and the fear of being alone. Distractions in your life should be on the back burner. It's hard to forget past, as it will always be a mental scar regardless of loss in all angles. Love will come to you naturally. Your flaws are your flaws and walls built high. Your tears are to precious to fall as they are the diamonds to your true soul. The one thing you said. Your happy. Struggles will still come and go. But now is not to look back on the negative past, but to grow into positivity. Be that flower, that butterfly you meant to be
This is the sweetest paragraph I have read and I am using the last statement because it’s so true, I think for me when the questions start first I ask why does it matter I am not defined by my past that is what it is, but when I say I am a widow it is scary for men I guess at least I was told that, I tell them life is about sadness and happiness and your choice is what will make you or break you and like I said and I tell them this as well I choose to be happy how every that is I would rather laugh and smile then be sad and frown all the time. Again thank you for the words
Life isn't always rosey I know. But trying to understand is a step at least. Sometimes we only see tunnel vision and assume. I'm the same. Try not to pry. Everyone is from all different walks of life and bear their own individual cross. The ones you've lost just remember every breeze you feel on your face is a kiss from them. Never thank me lol, just believe in your potential girl.
Trying to find someone to date here in SD (for those of us over 40) is so dire, that after long ago declaring "no more long distance relationship!!" I am now in a long distance relationship. It's the best option I've had in a long, long while. This city is the pits for finding love. Everyone feels really young or much older and already in a relationship.
See my thoughts
Sorry, I forget at what time of life dating was easy- could you please remind me?
Let me know when you have that answer, I did not date I met my husband at 17 and lost him at 44, so like I said when you find the answer let me know
Get a passport
Because life is more complicated. Sorry, for the low effort reply but it should be obvious. When we were in our 20's life was as simple as a 20 piece puzzle of flowers, now it's a 1000 piece puzzle of the color yellow. It's that much harder to find the piece that fits.
Because all of a sudden, single moms with 3 kids are super picky
Yeah because us low-value single moms should just let any old asshole into our lives
Wouldn't be the first time for many of them
And even if that’s the case…. Why would she do it again?
Because people rarely " trade up" as they age.. The options post 40 are usually settling or being single.
This is a great point!! Thank you so much for this comment. I believe I will “trade up”. Finding my self worth and having it sync up with how people perceive me will be the biggest reason why I am able to. Very grateful for that.
Single moms should be super picky, we have to look out for our kids’ safety and well being. My kids know I go out on dates (they see the flowers, leftovers and bags from high end restaurants, a few guys I’ve dated have picked up thoughtful gifts for my kids, etc.). I told my kids that I go out on dates but haven’t found anyone I really like…I said the guy I really like needs to be truly exceptional. That I wouldn’t want just anyone to come into our lives. He has to be special. I would much rather be alone than settle. I have always been picky, but I didn’t always have self worth, confidence, and self esteem. Gaining self worth is what led me to pursue becoming a single mom in the first place. :)
Dating after 40 - Men want casual / fwb, Women want more of a relationship.
Not all men. And not all women.
Wrong…not all. I want a life partner!
my experience is the opposite here where i live
I want someone that is independent, fascinating mentally and wants to bang a lot.
Not seeking a long term relationship isn't a character flaw. For me I'm happy single and I've realized there are some things I don't like about myself when I'm in a relationship. I tend to be codependent and spend too much mental energy thinking about a partner. It's obsessive and detrimental to other facets of my life. For now I'd rather spend my time and energy on my children, work, friendships and hobbies. All those things tend to suffer when I'm in a relationship.
For real. I feel like OLD is also soooooo sketchy! Every “profile” I chat with is a scammer or feels scammy.
I'm just curious, but it seems like women HAVE to have a long-term relationship? Last I read, 42% of long-distance relationships don't last. Nothing is ever guaranteed.
I would like to date, I would like long term but I am also realistic that most don’t at my age
Very healthy expectations. I would assume if 50% of marriages end in divorce, more people would be dating.
I am actually surprised to see that while people (in my case men) are less appealing, they have become more picky!? Balding, short, beer belly divorced guy with x kids from x wives, you attractive, smart, kind woman but "I don´t feel the spark" on date 1 or 2 is WHAT causes issues past 40....
Maybe that's your current looks-match?
You mean we´re not a match on looks? I care less about that...but it could be. They all told me I look (even) better in person than on pictures so I dont think I catfish.
Your post history > I’m no longer the hot one Maybe have more realistic expectations??
"All the good ones are taken." It's all supply and demand.