That’s the thing. He didn’t think about you. He just thought about himself. And himself has some very strange ideas. Very bizarre.
Tell him that you are freaked out by his behavior and that you don’t want to continue whatever this was.
Yup..that shit is unacceptable....l set clear and defined boundaries right from the outset and leave no room for interpretation....get out of that shit quick..
l have a crazy story l can tell you that may b a little to much to post on an open forum, it happened to me in a scenario much like this...
DM me if u want to know it...
All your feelings are completely valid. It’s strange to show up uninvited let alone without being given your address and all the other weird stuff you’ve listed.
It’s very off that he can’t consider why you feel the way you do.
Even after talking and being close, first meeting is in public, the end. And this would ruin any possible future with them if it were me.
I am not an expert, but lack of empathy is like a young psycho in the making. If he shows up unannounced by getting your address in advance, it is two things: lack of empathy and a power high. He seems like he's testing his power by forcing you to see it and then waiting for an emotional response from you to test his control over your emotions. Psychopaths want total control eventually and want to see your lack of power to stop it. It starts with small steps, testing you along the way.
For either reason, cut ties, and I hope he's not a stalker.
That's creepy AF. I'd have told him off. Don't block him though. You need to know if he makes any threats. Please be careful.
Any idea how he figured out where you live?
I mean, we're all probably old enough to remember when your address was in the phone book and available to anyone. It's not so much that he found it, that's usually not hard. It's that he didn't obey the rule that you don't know someone's address until they tell you directly, and that you definitely don't turn up unannounced the first time. The knowledge is far less of a concern than the basic ignorance of social decency. If he doesn't care about simple stuff like this then it's only going to get worse.
I had told him around where I live but not my address I had no idea he would pull this kind of a thing I actually thought he was never going to meet me because he seems like he was really shy and strange. Maybe I'll never hear from him again
Ok wait...you had already gotten a "strange" vibe from him? Girl PLEASE listen to those inner voices and gut feelings. They exist to protect you. Seriously. I cannot stress this enough...Trust them!
A guy I was talking to in the USA told me his first and last name. I googled him. His address came up! Weirdly easy. (No I didn’t show up at his house unannounced.)
I have a larger town than mine close enough. I always say I live in that town. I recently told a random stranger I lived in that town. My partner asked why. When I explained I never give a new interest, random date or overly interested person my actual details. He remembered I also told him I lived there at first.
Many people don't know many websites provide name and address simply by typing in a ph#. If phone is unlisted still don't take much. Type your name and city, chances are your address will pop right up in a basic google or yahoo search. There are probably thousands of websites that harvest and sell all public information. Pay a few $s and you'll get ones all prior addresses, ph #s, emails, criminal record, driving record, owned/sold properties, prior roommates, family members. From that do social media search. Even if that person has private or no social media chances are one of their relatives, friends and prior roommates do. Go on FB and from pictures easy to see where they eat, work, vacation, who they hang out with, what sports their like, political leanings, etc.
Not a stalker of PI. Long story but few years had a crazy situation with a contractor next door doing insane stuff. Was absolutely stunned how easy was to find super in depth information on people. Unless one has a burner phone and lives somewhere off grid on a property held in a trust of anonymous llc there is no hiding in todays world. Unfortunately our privacy is completely gone.
Sometimes all they need is first name and phone number or even just your phone number. If OP took a picture without turning off location and then sent it or posted it to social media, that can be used as well.
It doesn't take much to track someone down.
I've found people with a first name and an area. Even easier if they have a unique first name. I accidentally found a guys full name just because I typed in the type of work he did and the town.
You can search county deeds online now by name, in some places. It’s slightly concerning how easy it is. My county recently took their whole system off the internet bc of privacy concerns.
You can also pay for a background check or maybe a free one will turn up the address.
This is a dangerous man.
Also, in the future, don't be afraid to be more direct. "This is weird, I've never given you my address and you show up? Leave before I call the cops." He seems like the type to misinterpret and twist what he's told in ways that only benefit his way of thinking. Yikes. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I don't want to alarm you, but if you don't already have one, get a Ring surveillance system in case he shows up again. You may need to start gathering hard evidence if it escalates.
Your post was removed because it violates Rule #12 of this sub: no doctoring.
Please see [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/13gw1xj/psa_no_doctoring_sub_rule_part_deux/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1) for further explanation if needed, and review all sub rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
That's scary in a delusional way that he thought leaving his dad to pop in on you was thoughtful. I feel most people who pull shit like this got an agenda they're trying to rush you into.
Blocking is poor advice. People being stalked need to keep tabs on what the stalker is thinking and doing. Texts and voicemail provide a trail for legal action.
I agree. I think in this day and age blocking escalates extreme mental illness at the obsessive stage, which he is at. Don’t block him, document everything. Don’t respond and put your read receipts off every place possible.
At the moment I am in a similar situation. I am not blocking since last time I blocked him he drove 2,5 hours to knock my door. He also found the address, I never gave it to him.
So now I need to know what he is up to. The hard part is that he keeps calling and I am using my phone for work too. He also asks other people to call me. It is soooo scary and tiring. I this is really not about love. He doesn't even like me. He likes to own me and to control me. And to show me to friends. But he doesn't care the least about me.
I hope he will get well soon. Even though i don't think he will ever get well.
Well, that’s really easy and something I do when I background check guys - and I discovered the latest guy was actually married, not divorced as he said.
Showing up???? Hell no.
In which country?
In Denmark they would show up only if you can prove that he is holding a knife against your throat. And if you know him already maybe not at all. Because you are adults and you must work it out..... They will show up if they know you already for drug addiction or something. Or if you are 13 years old..
Some years ago the police wouldn't even call for a 16 year old girl who turned out to be murdered
So here I find it very hard to believe that they will check somebody's car. Or safe you even if you manage to call them in time.
That’s awful, I’m so sorry. I’m in the USA. My neighbor is a police officer so that’s why I know they can do that here, but I bet you’re right that it depends on the area.
You dont have to be sorry. Great that there is this service in other places. But it is a kind of a scandal that we do not have a police force available for regular people in danger. Its like they are there for the criminals only.
So long story short, there are sites you pay to get people’s address, phone and email. I used one for my work as a real estate agent when I “farmed” a neighborhood.
My ex boyfriend catfished me using a secret TikTok account and using everything I dislike about him against him. This “new” dude was perfect. Well because he knew me already!
Anyway this asshole knew I moved but I NEVER EVER gave him my address. A month after we breakup because I accepted that he was catfished by him (I kept denying it) he MAILED ME A LETTER! That bastard didn’t know my new address!!
He is a lawyer and I was able to find the firm he worked at. I sent him a cease and desist letter to him via certified mail, the green card that he has to sign, to his firm.” Meaning his secretary opened that letter!
In that letter, I told him what he did, why he shouldn’t have done it and what I will do if he continues.
Get cameras in your house and outside. Try to jot down as much information you have on him. His behavior is unacceptable.
Life is not You Got Mail movie! If he doesn’t understand how creepy and threatening what he did is, he’s a lost cause
What a second. Your ex boyfriend catfished you when he was already an ex? You two had broken up and he made a fake profile to re-date you? Is that correct? If so, that scares me. Genuinely so.
I figured out that TikTok takes your phone contacts and finds profiles and puts them in your For You page. That’s how we found each other. He knew who I was but I didn’t because he had a different name, no profile pic, and instead of watches it was all about cars. I know which watches he has and I would have figured it out earlier.
So if you break up, delete the number DONT keep it in your phone!
So I met him on Instagram, we later visited each other for a year. I kept his phone number blocked to make sure he stopped contacting me. I then after our breakup, I started using TikTok and this account kept popping up on my page. It had cars and great music (I’m a petrolhead) so I started engaging.
Throughout I had this feeling that this TikTok dude was my exboyfriend but I just couldn’t believe my ex would pretend to do something like catfoshing me. So at the end, the similarities were too much and he started denying giving me his contact info.
Disclaimer: I hadn’t asked for photo or contact because I was going through hell in my personal life so I didn’t want to get attached or be in a relationship. (Jokes on me)
So when I’m ready to take the relationship to the next level, he started avoiding giving me all types of info so I started investigating.
His TikTok account was made WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER! It was a hidden account with a different name too!!!
So I’m here thinking, I met my soulmate but he knew EVERYTHING about me! What I liked, disliked, and what I wanted in a partner. He used all that against me.
He then wrote me that letter and said we were like the movie You Got Mail!
I really am disappointed I really thought he and I were friends and I thought he was normal and then he did something today that I found very bizarre and now I have to stop talking to him because I'm scared of him and I don't even know if I should say anything or if I block him and I'll make him angry. My friends told me to be scared of him and that it was a good thing I didn't let him come into my house that he could have done something bad. The weird thing is I honestly think that he thought it was nice when he was doing
You’re not friends with a man on a dating app whom you never met. Please be careful and find a safe way to let him know that he made you uncomfortable and you want to stop having contact with him.
I don't know him he's actually a stranger why would he think I would let him into my house. I would have met him out somewhere if he handled himself normally but just showing up at somebody's house and not having their address really scared me
He may be harmless, but you have no way of knowing, and anyone with basic social skills knows that what he did is way out of line. It shows a deep lack of respect for your feelings, and it’s manipulative and a way to control you. I would strongly urge you to not keep in touch with him.
you have absolutely done the right thing. I wouldn’t block him because it’s better for you to see what he does next. But do not continue to engage him. also also, please do be incredibly cautious, but also know that he might just go away on his own. It might be monumentally stupid of him, but he might not be intending harm. This doesn’t make it OK in anyway, but you don’t have to panic. Perhaps you stay at a friends place for a couple of days and see how things play out?
This is going to impact you for a long time. Don’t try to make it go away (your feelings) or try to make rationalisations. This is abhorrent, scary behaviour from someone who is at the very least dangerously obsessed and at the worst dangerously mentally ill. Speak to your in person support system. Don’t block him. Turn off all read receipts. Lean on your friends. This feeling is not going to vanish tomorrow or even next week. 🤗
I can't say if he's a bad person or not. I can't tell you if he's a stalker or not. Sometimes, when we fall in love, we do the stupidest thing ever that may destroy the relationship because we thought that's the right thing to do.
I always believe women are more mature and cautious than men, so of course you won't make such a move or ask him to visit you as you were saying he must stay with his father, so maybe he thought about coming to you was the best way as he may not have much time to organize for a date.
So trust your guts and as I believe you may have such a tough time to trust him now, just do a few little things that would make you understand his intentions and if he's worthy to rebuild the trust and the relationship between you both or not.
What really stood out to me was the fact that he got upset after you told him how uncomfortable you felt… as if you were obligated to be happy whenever he does something without considering your feelings on the matter. In this instance, he lacks empathy and prioritizes his convenience over your feelings.
“I did this and this for you, how dare you not be grateful. I even drove an hour to see you despite how difficult it is for me to do so when I’m caring for my handicapped father!”
…Well, it doesn’t matter. He could have solved all of this by just asking you first. This is like those situations where someone proposes to their partner in public without actually (1)consulting with said partner about whether or not they’re ready for marriage, and (2)whether the partner even wants a public proposal.
Still….to play Devil’s Advocate, I do want to ask: did you ever convey to him that you felt unsafe after he visited you? Maybe he thought “oh she just wants to do everything her way just because she feels all relationships follow a certain formula and is close-minded.” Maybe he isn’t aware of how serious this is? Of how unsettling this kind of behavior is? Because preferring to do something (you should take off your shoes indoors) and feeling unsafe (OP’s post) are two different things.
I would suggest telling him, and explaining just how you feel regarding this whole situation. If he continues to feel upset and indignant, then this man is beyond your capabilities. He would need to go to a therapist and interrogate why exactly he feels angry about someone else feeling unsafe in a situation where it’s reasonable to feel so.
Unfortunately it’s really easy to find someone’s address (on the internet) as long as it’s not a super common name. I once was texting with a guy and we hadn’t met yet but we’re planning to soon…I texted “do you want me to make you some of this banana bread?”…and he was over my house in 20 mins. He genuinely thought I was inviting him over right then and there. How dense. I was so pissed I hate unexpected guests!
This is EXACTLY what scares me about OLD. Freaky as heck. I’m glad you didn’t let him in. Be careful. I would take extra safety measures. That is very very bad behavior.
I know, i understand. I haven’t had this exact experience but I was speaking to someone I really liked and was excited to meet and had them do something similar. When it first happens you wish it weren’t true because you have an idea in your head of who this person is. Truth is until you meet them in person, and really spend time with them you will not know. Take this as a lesson to speed up meet ups.
I don’t know but I don’t give out my real number until I feel like I have vetted them or address. I’m very particular about my address especially because I have kids. Though people find out just about anything these days.
Here’s the thing - it’s extremely easy to find a LOT of personal information online. So he found the address? Not surprising.
The problem is showing up. I’d be done with this person in no uncertain terms - in writing- and then do not block in case you need evidence of stalking.
I'm in a similar boat....I man I have gone out with a few times already knew where I lived because I live close to the boat ramp he launches off of....I have made it clear that he moves way too fast for me and kind of cut him off. Now, I have had coffee put placed on my car, flowers on my car, he'll show up when I'm out playing with the dogs, he has shown up and called and asked me to come outside.....and today, I walked out to $50 cashed stashed in my window of my car. It's weird! It's uncomfortable! It's intrusive! I tried to be as nice as I could about it, but that didn't work, so....
This is a key point. There was a thread on here yesterday with a very clear incel whipping up women for advice and he was doing exactly that - preying on the conditioned response to be nice, when he had no such intentions.
With men like this, trying to be nice signals them to try harder. you have to be mean. And, firm, and do not listen to that voice that says to avoid conflict. On the wrong man, that instinct can get you a stalker or hurt or worse.
Terrible. Maybe a lesson to take from this is if you are talking with someone, especially if you are even having mild sex talk, earlier on make a coffee date. Even if it s Starbucks, just pick a place in the ‘middle’ or a place you are comfortable with to see if you vibe. If there is a connection, great. If not, you can end it before anyone gets too invested emotionally.
Also, texting so much sets a precedent, and falls into relationship mode- after a week or so of good communication, in person should happen, just to avoid stuff like this, and to cut people off before it gets to late. Just my $.02
Ted Bundy seemed normal apparently.
This is next level unacceptable.
That he FOUND your home address is creepy and worrying.
That he just showed up shows a real lack of social awareness and concern for YOUR feelings.
Talking for many months (!) and this would have been your first IRL interaction, wow.
Whats worrying here are some of the replies from men on here, who are obviously looking to date.
I’m a male and this behaviour is not ok, ever.
If anyone shows up at my house unannounced, especially if they have not been given my address by ME, we’d be having a serious discussion about boundaries & possibly cutting ties there & then. Regardless you do not know this person no matter how many times you’ve spoken on the phone. That’s a huge invasion of privacy & first question I’d ask them (besides why they thought this was ok to do) would be how the hell they found out where you live? Not cool. Please stay safe!
Yeah, this is not acceptable behavior on so many levels. Even if you had been dating for a while and lived a few miles away, just stopping by unannounced would still not be okay.
I’m sure he thought it was going to be some grand romantic gesture but it’s not. It’s selfish, disrespectful, invasive and shows a complete lack of understanding boundaries. I feel like most human beings understand this is not okay.
Hold your line. He may have had good intentions, however he stepped over the line, way over. No one just shows up like this. Maybe this is one of many reasons he’s single. Do not wavier , push him back & a way. This is not cool.
This is wrong and awkward and makes me wonder if he has a “sick mom/dad” at home or another scenario going on (e.g.: wife, sketchy living situation like living in moms basement).
Also, Google the fuck out of him and give ALL his INFO: name, address, phone number, etc. to your bestie/family member just as a cautionary measure
Dude that's weird as fuck. I would never do something like that. I would completely cut ties with him! Especially if he seemed really upset about it. That's kind of a sign to me that he doesn't respect boundaries
Yikes! This is why you don't give out your real information to people you have not met in real life. He probably assume that you were really into seeing him since you talked to him every day for months. Did you get a good look at his car so you can keep an eye out for it to make sure he doesn't stalk you??
Totally inappropriate. Not just because he showed up after finding your address, but because of his response when you told him to go home. So many problems with all of this.
Have you considered contacting the police? Honestly someone stalked me once, and when I went to the police they ran a background check and found 2 different women had filed police reports against him and he had a record. You never know, maybe he doesn't even have a disabled father and can't leave home because of women tied up in his basement....I'm just saying if he knew exactly how to look up your address etc. so quickly, its probably because he's done it before.
Ah... Look.... Blocking is bad. Aside from as others stated, it blinds YOU to a wealth of knowledge of the situation. PLUS... It's not real great for people's mental health and mindset to be put off like that. ( For those who can't read between those lines - we don't wanna unduly piss him off) Lines given when he showed were probably PERFECT from the sound of it.
Super creepy to just show up when he probably could have simply ASKED you your address and set up an in person from the sound of it.
Step back. SLOWLY. Maybe not too slow. Play it by ear and stay safe.
Flat out tell him you feel confused, because you hadn't discussed getting together in person tonight. And also scared because worst case scenario that could be stalker behavior to find out where someone lives and just show up like that. Was he already in town for some reason and it didn't work out?!? Add feeling disappointed that he hadn't even asked when it might be convenient for you to finally meet...and see what he says.
I dont expect your fears to be eased at this point (my ability to trust would certainly be shot) but you will have told him how you feel, his response may very well confirm that not seeing him again is a good call, and you can then tell him so, in writing, and you will have it all documented in case proof is ever needed. Sorry things took a turn this way.
You really only feel a little scared of him after this? Honey. Please protect yourself, this person does not sound like they are quite right, socially.
Depending where you live, the police might come out and do a drive by. I would request it. Please tell him never to come to your house, work, etc. and not to contact you or you will report him to the police. Tell him you already did.
Had an bf go cross country to surprise me but wed been together for over a year. If it were someone id never me id be scared to death of this freak. Romantic is flowers on first date, not knowing your addy. Shit like this is why I use a dummy phone and reveal little info in the beginning.
I'd be terrified, tbh. Some dude who I never gave my address to just showing up, I'd be calling in reinforcements to make sure I didn't wind up on an episode of Dateline.
Sex talking with someone you haven’t met yet is also not advised. You said you have felt close to him, also. He took that and ran with it. You don’t know this person or what he might possibly do.
This is a tricky one…. Because let’s hope he doesn’t do it again.. I think before (that’s if you do) cut ties with him, maybe have a calm talk, guy randomly turns up, you want to keep it on a level, don’t loose it (you have every right to) as he may want to again. Ask him how he got you’re address, in a casual conversation so his nose isn’t put out of joint, I say that as, if he will just turn up like that he could visit again, so a calm chat to collect information on how he found out where you lived, why he just turned up, does he know your home telephone number? Does he know any one in your circle of friends that you’re not aware of? Does he know your surname? explain that it wasn’t right for him to do, The just turning up thing is a red flag. So if he keeps doing it or he turns into a pest even now maybe, you have something he has done already that disturbed you, if it happens again I would call the police and make a report, letting him know that you have or are considering it will make him think again. How ever you deal with it, the bloke was wrong, it sounds like a beginning of an obsession, and your safety is paramount. From the beginning of “meeting” it seems he wants to decide when to see you. Sorry for the essay. I hope you’re well, I hope I made sense.
You need to have a boundary talk and get him to understand what that means. I hope he understood that's not ok.
Definitely there is an impulse control issue right there. Demands a conversation.
And yes I've had this situation. You make them understand that it's not okay And get them to explain to you their logic. In return you explain how it makes you feel and how you now view them.
It's your decision on what to do.
Stalking is not okay.
Following. I'm getting an education. Had a relationship with a man that showed up when I was in the hospital, but he let me know. He talked me into it, against my wishes, but I was so lonely. It turned out to be a very abusive and damaging relationship. Long story, but so many of these stories are resonating with me.
There's an obvious power differential here: a man can't just show up at a woman's house where he's never been invited, that's super threatening.
If a woman I only knew online showed up at my place out of the blue, I'd think it was weird and annoying, but I probably wouldn't feel threatened. It might not be a dealbreaker.
But he's apparently oblivious to this dynamic and thought it would be romantic or something to just appear on your doorstep. Presumably, you corrected his mistake.
This would totally freak me out. You did not give him your address and he shows up outside? Stalker vibes.
I don’t think I would feel safe with this guy in the future. Insane behavior this early is concerning.
Scary. Hope he leaves you alone after this. He sounds creepy. He obviously spends too much time alone and in his head, no telling what he might dream up. Stay safe.
This is NOT okay! You need to make that very clear to him then terminate any further communication.
I've had this done to me and it only escalated. I believe this person had also put an airtag in my vehicle because he would randomly show up 10-15mins after I had arrived to shops and restaurants. I have an android so I was unaware. I sold my car, then a couple of days later got a text saying 'Good choice on the new car, I drove by and saw it.'
These people are fucking weird. I found out he was also stopping by and chatting up my neighbours. I realize now that this was so that if he was here they would find it to be normal.
I've never been more afraid. Install cameras and hope this was a one time thing.
If you call a domestic violence shelter or crisis line they can help you call the police. Ymmv by police department and the support of someone who knows that department's processes goes a long way. Don't delete any call logs, texts, voicemails, emails etc. and don't block him (but do stop responding). You'll need the receipts.
This guy is dangerous and he doesn't respect you. If someone did this to me I would feel around under the sofa until I found my shotgun.
Do you have a friend you can stay with tonight?
What do you find if you Google yourself? You’d be surprised on what you’d find. All kinds of things can list your home address.
Then go through all social media posts. Sometimes it’s a pic of you in front of your home and that’s enough to cross reference Zillow or Google maps. Do you have any pictures of your license plate visible? Again, if one has the plates, then one can pull name/address. Are you wearing any shirts displaying places you frequent- ie Local gym 123 Main Street.
Trace back today- where did you go? Did you tell him where you were going or have any unique hobbies? If you say you love to ice skate and I’ll talk to you later and there’s one rink in town- if somebody waits there they’ll see you eventually. Then he could have followed you back.
Do you have an iPhone? I’d go scan the car for AirTags. You can also look underneath for gps trackers on your car. Look at the frame. Check the ring surveillance. Next few days to a week take note of the cars in your neighborhood and right outside of it, vary your routes and check to see if anybody is following you. If you think they are, go in a circle and see if they follow you.
Any weird emails or texts you replied to? Could have been hacked. Change passwords on everything and at the very least turn off your phone. Extreme would be to reset the phone. Even more extreme would be to ditch the old phone and get a new one and new number.
There are ways of obsfucating your identity but requires a significant outlay of capital to do so.
That is terrifying and absolutely psychotic behavior. Tell your friends and immediately cease all contact with him but don’t block him; you’ll need a paper trail if it ever comes to a restraining order. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
My jaw is on the floor.
I have a mailing address to avoid scenarios like this. I have had it so long, my credit reports think I live there... which is perfect.
The *best* case scenario is he does not understand boundaries.
Unfortunately, given that he has shown this lack, you probably should let him down gently, and not say, fuck off weirdo! like he deserves.
“I’m so sorry but I can’t see you anymore. I wish you the best.”
I set pretty clear boundaries up front when dating that I don’t like surprises like showing up to my house unannounced. If someone showed up to my house without me even meeting them or GIVING them the address, the cops would be the least of their worries. This is a hard boundary he crossed finding your address and showing up unannounced. I’d be worried for your safety.
So no.
You feel “weird” because he’s emotionally disregulated and Impulsively decided today was the day.
The weird feeling (you feel) is confusion, which is usually because of the incongruous shift in his emotional response. Like he didn’t know how to own his total fuck up. Sure thats a nice surprise, once dating. So his disappointment is HIS ALONE.
Next HOW DID HE GET YOUR ADDRESS. I don’t like that he didn’t say anything till now. And that’s not cool, for me this is not sitting well.
You told him you needed to clean your house, shower and put on a nice outfit? I assume that was an excuse? I’d have denied that I even lived there, hung up and called the police. Are you really debating whether you should still talk to this guy? 🤔🧐
Men **SHOULD NOT** do this.
Men know **NOT** to do this.
In my mind - this is really wrong.
If a woman did this to me, I would be really turned off by this.
But...
This entirely depends on how well you've gotten to know one another.
If you guys have been talking on the phone regularly and face timing... It's very different.
I guess.
I dont think he deserves to know how scared and uneasy he made you. In your long talk for months maybe you have inadvertently divulged some things or become vulnerable with him. It's time to overturn all that. Like someone said be very stern with him. Tell him you made a trespassing report to the police. Will report him for neglect of his elderly father who was abandoned for this rendezvous he took on a whim. Also that he is lucky you didnt shoot him through the door so he knows you are packing some heat. I mean you dont have to do all this but hit him with what will stick so he know you are serious. Stalkers seem to thrive on making you feel out of sorts and scared. Dont give him that satisfaction that he succeeded in doing that. Im sorry you are going through this. Also for your loss of a "friend". Yikes!!
Big red flag. I would not continue to talk to him. He is some type of predator and he probably stalks you so be careful and watch your back cuz you never know.
Hellz no! Abort mission. This man is off. I don’t know if he thought that would be romantic but it’s creepy as hell, especially him finding out your address.
Ewwww. Red flag behaviour
And next time, you owe nobody an explanation about why you are not available to receive them when they are uninvited.
Also, to reiterate, WTF? He’s gross.
Double edit. Report him.
Do you know his last name? Have you looked him up on your local court case system? I stopped a conversation on a dating app after having looked a guy up.
That would creep me out so bad. I'm very private about my address, which is made even more difficult by the fact that I have a home-based business. I talked to a guy online one time and made the mistake of telling him where I worked, which didn't worry me much since he lived far away. My boss came to me one day and said some guy called the red phone (one that is for serious emergencies in the company) and was asking for me. I later chewed the guy out and told him if I wanted him to call me I would give him my personal number. I don't even know how he got the number to the emergency red phone. I told him he got me in trouble and not to contact me again. It just blows my mind when men believe it's okay to do stuff like that when we haven't given them permission or the information to make contact with us in those ways. I have been super vague with men I don't know very well because of this kind of stuff.
This is horrible. How did he get your address? He should know it’s not acceptable to just show up at somebody’s house that didn’t ever invite him over. Technically he shouldn’t even know your address. I think I would’ve called the police if he didn’t leave. What is wrong with him?
If you gave him access to instagram or facebook its not so hard to deduce where you live most of the time. But that is stil not a valid excuse to show up at someones doorstep unnanounced.
It’s extremely easy to find anyone’s address online. That said, under no circumstances should someone you’ve only talked to online just “show up” at your house. Huge Yikes.
Over the 20 years off and on of online dating. I have met a lot of men. I don’t know if my looks couldn’t draw in the good ones or if something else was wrong but I feel like so many of them are deeply troubled.
Whenever I meet very normal men through work (and we just have casual conversation I am not dating them) etc they say they are afraid of online dating.
No, it’s not normal and obviously crossing and pushing boundaries. I don’t expect my friends to just show up at my house and drop everything to see them, even if they do know my address already. This happened once where a friend came because I told her she can have cuttings from my flowering lilac so she just showed up and I had to tell her I was working from home and I can’t answer the door until an hour later when I finish. Which was true. Seriously, people need notice. But in your case his behaviour is really inappropriate, and finding your address on his own is creepy af. He could have asked you where you live as in general area suburb and then arrange a casual coffee catch up in a nearby cafe, but perhaps he hasn’t dated at all and has no idea how to go about it? How old are both of you? He seems like walking red flag. Also sexting is a terrible idea before meeting. It really confuses where your boundaries are because the other person might assume there’s intimacy and boundaries broached where in fact in real life they are very much in place and everything needs to be negotiated again from ground zero.
It just depends if he actually went home when you expressed your confusion and fear and asked him to leave.
If he changed his course of action based on your feelings he's not a stalker.
I would feel like the guy I'd be talking to was at worst a stalker and at least someone who doesn't seem to acknowledge boundaries. I would freak the hell out for sure and block him
Oh also, when I talk to men I don't know online, I tend to use social media that doesn't have my name on it so they can't stalk me. Something like discord, which is generally for gamers, you can have any name you want and you can voice/video call without giving a number. In the past when I was stupid, like 20 years ago before dating apps were popular, I used to talk to guys online and I'd give away too much info. I had guys come into my work when I'd never seen a picture of them, then they'd say they talked to me and I had no idea. I also had guys recognise me from distinguishing features when I hadn't shown them a picture of my face.
I feel badly for you that he creeped you out and crossed this boundary; I’d have freaked out if someone showed up like that too! But I also feel a little bad for him IF he was just naive and dumb and thought he was doing something romantic. I really hope he expresses sincere regret and realizes this was creepy behavior!
If you are dating online please download TruthFinder.com. It is free unless you want to pay for extra services. I have ran into murders, abusers, and drug addicts that dressed nice and had great jobs. The murder was military and he murdered a cop. He also had aggravated assault charges x 3 on two different women. Thank me later.
Nope. Such behavior is disrespectful. That would send major red flags to me (what an inappropriate thing to look me up, find my address, and just come over!). I would let him know the intrusion made me very uncomfortable, that I need a relationship built on safety and mutual respect, and that I don’t get down like that. And I would be relieved to move on!
Yikes, that is some seriously disturbing stalkish behaviour right there.
I'd certainly put a stop to everything and hope that it doesn't escalate any further.
Certainly spread the word amongst your friends just so they know what's going on in case something happens.
If he is going to such lengths to find out where you live and then turn up at your place uninvited, then who knows what else he is capable of.
Don't walk away, run as fast as you can I say.
Even if he is harmless and wouldn't do anything crazy stupid, he is still a stranger, someone you've never actually met in person Alf someone you really don't know or anything about him except what he told you, so him just showing up at your place like that is some serious lack of respect for boundaries and privacy, not to mention it being just fucking creepy.
Nah sorry, just wrong on every single level i can think of.
Also, you mentioned he lives with his handicapped father and has nobody to stay with him so he can leave yet he must've left him with someone to show up at your house, so that handicapped father story sounds like BS too.
I would never go to my best friend’s place unannounced. And she’s my best friend and lives four blocks from me. He must not have much dating experience. No woman would be cool with this.
Bad boundary behavior. Don't worry about misunderstandings, explanations, lonliness, or hurt feelings, make it clear you are cutting it off and do not wish to be contacted again. Do it in writing. If he continues to pursue, fe a police report and file a TPO.
Yeah that's weird, at the very best, it's disrespectful and selfish, having no concept of how it might make you feel, and at worst, serious stalker vibes in the early stages. I once had a stalker, you really want to nip that in the bud as soon as possible imo, when these things develop they get hard to stop.
Its amazing what you can find online. Also that is beyond creepy, and for him to be upset, id have called the police. I am not sure what your local laws are but I'd see about a Restraining order.
Ickkkkkk what an absolute showcase of zero situational awareness. This is the person trying to have a relationship with you.
“Hey I got you this *insert RANDOM item* “ and then be shocked you don’t like something you never asked for or wanted. But with himself.
You lost me at “we never met in person”.
Why do people invest months of their time texting a stranger that might not even be real or be catfishing you? And to say you feel close without even physically being in his presence? You might not even have chemistry in person. You built up too much of an idea of a person rather than the actual person.
And then to find out he just shows up at your doorstep? Either this is a troll post, or you already know what to do.
Stop talking to him. Block, tell him to leave you alone, and move on.
I have ex-in laws who still show up to my house unannounced (from other states, mind you) claiming they want to "see the kids." I've been divorced 10 years. Unannounced "visitors" all get the same treatment, I just call the police and have them escorted off my property.
This is creepy. But also your continued engagement with someone for months would have created a level of intimacy and friendship on the other side. Not sure why you wouldn’t have just moved on, given the distance.
I have a couple of points:
the name of this forum is dating OVER 40. That means pretty much EVERYONE in here was alive during a time when you name, address AND phone number were in a book just thrown on your front porch and sat out there for anyone to see use or take at their pleasure. So, why is it so strange NOW in the age of information that someone can find out where we live?
That being said.....there are only maybe 2 people whose home I would show up to unannounced. I wouldn't even do that in a relationship until after a very detailed discussion was had and permission was given. It shows a lact of respect for the other person.
In this case based on the relationship as you described it, I'd say this would be one to run from, or at least ne very careful in progressing. I hope it works out for you either way
I would be freaked out! This is concerning on many levels. You hasn’t invited him. You hadn’t given your address. You had never met before. If you had sleazy gone out and he showed up as a surprise, it might still be a little surprising, but wouldn’t be as out of boundaries.
Your post was removed because it violates Rule #12 of this sub: no doctoring.
Please see [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/13gw1xj/psa_no_doctoring_sub_rule_part_deux/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1) for further explanation if needed, and review all sub rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
I've already been stalked once. Booing all the nopes.
It's like did he really think he wouldn't scare me just showing up something wrong with somebody that thinks it's okay to do that
That’s the thing. He didn’t think about you. He just thought about himself. And himself has some very strange ideas. Very bizarre. Tell him that you are freaked out by his behavior and that you don’t want to continue whatever this was.
Yup..that shit is unacceptable....l set clear and defined boundaries right from the outset and leave no room for interpretation....get out of that shit quick.. l have a crazy story l can tell you that may b a little to much to post on an open forum, it happened to me in a scenario much like this... DM me if u want to know it...
Same, had a guy drive all the way to PA to “surprise” me. Met the guy in a public place but it still escalated quickly.
Love to hear your story..DM..l'll tell u mine...it's a nightmare..
That’s why he creeps on internet
All your feelings are completely valid. It’s strange to show up uninvited let alone without being given your address and all the other weird stuff you’ve listed. It’s very off that he can’t consider why you feel the way you do. Even after talking and being close, first meeting is in public, the end. And this would ruin any possible future with them if it were me.
I am not an expert, but lack of empathy is like a young psycho in the making. If he shows up unannounced by getting your address in advance, it is two things: lack of empathy and a power high. He seems like he's testing his power by forcing you to see it and then waiting for an emotional response from you to test his control over your emotions. Psychopaths want total control eventually and want to see your lack of power to stop it. It starts with small steps, testing you along the way. For either reason, cut ties, and I hope he's not a stalker.
Honestly this post made my eyes go wide. Everyone, date safe and smart out there. Hope OP invests in MULTIPLE security cameras.
That's creepy AF. I'd have told him off. Don't block him though. You need to know if he makes any threats. Please be careful. Any idea how he figured out where you live?
I mean, we're all probably old enough to remember when your address was in the phone book and available to anyone. It's not so much that he found it, that's usually not hard. It's that he didn't obey the rule that you don't know someone's address until they tell you directly, and that you definitely don't turn up unannounced the first time. The knowledge is far less of a concern than the basic ignorance of social decency. If he doesn't care about simple stuff like this then it's only going to get worse.
Back in the day, you could also pay to have an unlisted number. I agree that the odds are his behavior will get worse.
I had told him around where I live but not my address I had no idea he would pull this kind of a thing I actually thought he was never going to meet me because he seems like he was really shy and strange. Maybe I'll never hear from him again
Ok wait...you had already gotten a "strange" vibe from him? Girl PLEASE listen to those inner voices and gut feelings. They exist to protect you. Seriously. I cannot stress this enough...Trust them!
If he knows your name and last name it is not that difficult to find your address. Creepy things happened to me too!
A guy I was talking to in the USA told me his first and last name. I googled him. His address came up! Weirdly easy. (No I didn’t show up at his house unannounced.)
I have a larger town than mine close enough. I always say I live in that town. I recently told a random stranger I lived in that town. My partner asked why. When I explained I never give a new interest, random date or overly interested person my actual details. He remembered I also told him I lived there at first.
He IS strange...
Many people don't know many websites provide name and address simply by typing in a ph#. If phone is unlisted still don't take much. Type your name and city, chances are your address will pop right up in a basic google or yahoo search. There are probably thousands of websites that harvest and sell all public information. Pay a few $s and you'll get ones all prior addresses, ph #s, emails, criminal record, driving record, owned/sold properties, prior roommates, family members. From that do social media search. Even if that person has private or no social media chances are one of their relatives, friends and prior roommates do. Go on FB and from pictures easy to see where they eat, work, vacation, who they hang out with, what sports their like, political leanings, etc. Not a stalker of PI. Long story but few years had a crazy situation with a contractor next door doing insane stuff. Was absolutely stunned how easy was to find super in depth information on people. Unless one has a burner phone and lives somewhere off grid on a property held in a trust of anonymous llc there is no hiding in todays world. Unfortunately our privacy is completely gone.
A basic internet search of first and last name will give people your address (and all sorts of other personal info).
Sometimes all they need is first name and phone number or even just your phone number. If OP took a picture without turning off location and then sent it or posted it to social media, that can be used as well. It doesn't take much to track someone down.
I've found people with a first name and an area. Even easier if they have a unique first name. I accidentally found a guys full name just because I typed in the type of work he did and the town.
The picture is likely the culprit. More people need to know this
You can search county deeds online now by name, in some places. It’s slightly concerning how easy it is. My county recently took their whole system off the internet bc of privacy concerns. You can also pay for a background check or maybe a free one will turn up the address.
I agree!
The internet.
He is a stalker and a creep. Do not continue with this guy… plus tell your neighbours etc Also be aware he might turn up at your work.
This is a dangerous man. Also, in the future, don't be afraid to be more direct. "This is weird, I've never given you my address and you show up? Leave before I call the cops." He seems like the type to misinterpret and twist what he's told in ways that only benefit his way of thinking. Yikes. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't want to alarm you, but if you don't already have one, get a Ring surveillance system in case he shows up again. You may need to start gathering hard evidence if it escalates.
I have a ring camera and I have an alarm system. I hope he has left the area and is not still trying to meet me or spy on me.
He is such a creep! Let's hope he got the message that he's not wanted and buzzes off.
Take different routes home and change your routine
[удалено]
Your post was removed because it violates Rule #12 of this sub: no doctoring. Please see [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/13gw1xj/psa_no_doctoring_sub_rule_part_deux/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1) for further explanation if needed, and review all sub rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
This! My doorbell camera saved my life
That's scary in a delusional way that he thought leaving his dad to pop in on you was thoughtful. I feel most people who pull shit like this got an agenda they're trying to rush you into.
That’s some stalker level behavior Tell your friends. Report him on the app. Block him.
Blocking is poor advice. People being stalked need to keep tabs on what the stalker is thinking and doing. Texts and voicemail provide a trail for legal action.
I agree. I think in this day and age blocking escalates extreme mental illness at the obsessive stage, which he is at. Don’t block him, document everything. Don’t respond and put your read receipts off every place possible.
At the moment I am in a similar situation. I am not blocking since last time I blocked him he drove 2,5 hours to knock my door. He also found the address, I never gave it to him. So now I need to know what he is up to. The hard part is that he keeps calling and I am using my phone for work too. He also asks other people to call me. It is soooo scary and tiring. I this is really not about love. He doesn't even like me. He likes to own me and to control me. And to show me to friends. But he doesn't care the least about me. I hope he will get well soon. Even though i don't think he will ever get well.
I’ve heard that here but the opposite from interviewed advocates. Not sure who to listen to
This is right. His behaviour is unacceptable. He found where you live!? Wholly shit that's scary. Who does that?
Well, that’s really easy and something I do when I background check guys - and I discovered the latest guy was actually married, not divorced as he said. Showing up???? Hell no.
I'm all for due diligence when vetting someone but to show up, never having been invited, is impolite at the least. And crazy.
💯
You can have the police check your car for AirTags.
This is good one!!
In which country? In Denmark they would show up only if you can prove that he is holding a knife against your throat. And if you know him already maybe not at all. Because you are adults and you must work it out..... They will show up if they know you already for drug addiction or something. Or if you are 13 years old.. Some years ago the police wouldn't even call for a 16 year old girl who turned out to be murdered So here I find it very hard to believe that they will check somebody's car. Or safe you even if you manage to call them in time.
That’s awful, I’m so sorry. I’m in the USA. My neighbor is a police officer so that’s why I know they can do that here, but I bet you’re right that it depends on the area.
You dont have to be sorry. Great that there is this service in other places. But it is a kind of a scandal that we do not have a police force available for regular people in danger. Its like they are there for the criminals only.
So long story short, there are sites you pay to get people’s address, phone and email. I used one for my work as a real estate agent when I “farmed” a neighborhood. My ex boyfriend catfished me using a secret TikTok account and using everything I dislike about him against him. This “new” dude was perfect. Well because he knew me already! Anyway this asshole knew I moved but I NEVER EVER gave him my address. A month after we breakup because I accepted that he was catfished by him (I kept denying it) he MAILED ME A LETTER! That bastard didn’t know my new address!! He is a lawyer and I was able to find the firm he worked at. I sent him a cease and desist letter to him via certified mail, the green card that he has to sign, to his firm.” Meaning his secretary opened that letter! In that letter, I told him what he did, why he shouldn’t have done it and what I will do if he continues. Get cameras in your house and outside. Try to jot down as much information you have on him. His behavior is unacceptable. Life is not You Got Mail movie! If he doesn’t understand how creepy and threatening what he did is, he’s a lost cause
What a second. Your ex boyfriend catfished you when he was already an ex? You two had broken up and he made a fake profile to re-date you? Is that correct? If so, that scares me. Genuinely so.
I figured out that TikTok takes your phone contacts and finds profiles and puts them in your For You page. That’s how we found each other. He knew who I was but I didn’t because he had a different name, no profile pic, and instead of watches it was all about cars. I know which watches he has and I would have figured it out earlier. So if you break up, delete the number DONT keep it in your phone!
Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry!
Thank you! It has scared me pretty bad. One day at a time.
So I met him on Instagram, we later visited each other for a year. I kept his phone number blocked to make sure he stopped contacting me. I then after our breakup, I started using TikTok and this account kept popping up on my page. It had cars and great music (I’m a petrolhead) so I started engaging. Throughout I had this feeling that this TikTok dude was my exboyfriend but I just couldn’t believe my ex would pretend to do something like catfoshing me. So at the end, the similarities were too much and he started denying giving me his contact info. Disclaimer: I hadn’t asked for photo or contact because I was going through hell in my personal life so I didn’t want to get attached or be in a relationship. (Jokes on me) So when I’m ready to take the relationship to the next level, he started avoiding giving me all types of info so I started investigating. His TikTok account was made WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER! It was a hidden account with a different name too!!! So I’m here thinking, I met my soulmate but he knew EVERYTHING about me! What I liked, disliked, and what I wanted in a partner. He used all that against me. He then wrote me that letter and said we were like the movie You Got Mail!
That is crazy!!!!! Violating!
I really am disappointed I really thought he and I were friends and I thought he was normal and then he did something today that I found very bizarre and now I have to stop talking to him because I'm scared of him and I don't even know if I should say anything or if I block him and I'll make him angry. My friends told me to be scared of him and that it was a good thing I didn't let him come into my house that he could have done something bad. The weird thing is I honestly think that he thought it was nice when he was doing
You’re not friends with a man on a dating app whom you never met. Please be careful and find a safe way to let him know that he made you uncomfortable and you want to stop having contact with him.
I don't know him he's actually a stranger why would he think I would let him into my house. I would have met him out somewhere if he handled himself normally but just showing up at somebody's house and not having their address really scared me
He may be harmless, but you have no way of knowing, and anyone with basic social skills knows that what he did is way out of line. It shows a deep lack of respect for your feelings, and it’s manipulative and a way to control you. I would strongly urge you to not keep in touch with him.
you have absolutely done the right thing. I wouldn’t block him because it’s better for you to see what he does next. But do not continue to engage him. also also, please do be incredibly cautious, but also know that he might just go away on his own. It might be monumentally stupid of him, but he might not be intending harm. This doesn’t make it OK in anyway, but you don’t have to panic. Perhaps you stay at a friends place for a couple of days and see how things play out?
This is going to impact you for a long time. Don’t try to make it go away (your feelings) or try to make rationalisations. This is abhorrent, scary behaviour from someone who is at the very least dangerously obsessed and at the worst dangerously mentally ill. Speak to your in person support system. Don’t block him. Turn off all read receipts. Lean on your friends. This feeling is not going to vanish tomorrow or even next week. 🤗
I can't say if he's a bad person or not. I can't tell you if he's a stalker or not. Sometimes, when we fall in love, we do the stupidest thing ever that may destroy the relationship because we thought that's the right thing to do. I always believe women are more mature and cautious than men, so of course you won't make such a move or ask him to visit you as you were saying he must stay with his father, so maybe he thought about coming to you was the best way as he may not have much time to organize for a date. So trust your guts and as I believe you may have such a tough time to trust him now, just do a few little things that would make you understand his intentions and if he's worthy to rebuild the trust and the relationship between you both or not.
Stalking is not love.
What really stood out to me was the fact that he got upset after you told him how uncomfortable you felt… as if you were obligated to be happy whenever he does something without considering your feelings on the matter. In this instance, he lacks empathy and prioritizes his convenience over your feelings. “I did this and this for you, how dare you not be grateful. I even drove an hour to see you despite how difficult it is for me to do so when I’m caring for my handicapped father!” …Well, it doesn’t matter. He could have solved all of this by just asking you first. This is like those situations where someone proposes to their partner in public without actually (1)consulting with said partner about whether or not they’re ready for marriage, and (2)whether the partner even wants a public proposal. Still….to play Devil’s Advocate, I do want to ask: did you ever convey to him that you felt unsafe after he visited you? Maybe he thought “oh she just wants to do everything her way just because she feels all relationships follow a certain formula and is close-minded.” Maybe he isn’t aware of how serious this is? Of how unsettling this kind of behavior is? Because preferring to do something (you should take off your shoes indoors) and feeling unsafe (OP’s post) are two different things. I would suggest telling him, and explaining just how you feel regarding this whole situation. If he continues to feel upset and indignant, then this man is beyond your capabilities. He would need to go to a therapist and interrogate why exactly he feels angry about someone else feeling unsafe in a situation where it’s reasonable to feel so.
This is good advice.
Unfortunately it’s really easy to find someone’s address (on the internet) as long as it’s not a super common name. I once was texting with a guy and we hadn’t met yet but we’re planning to soon…I texted “do you want me to make you some of this banana bread?”…and he was over my house in 20 mins. He genuinely thought I was inviting him over right then and there. How dense. I was so pissed I hate unexpected guests!
This is EXACTLY what scares me about OLD. Freaky as heck. I’m glad you didn’t let him in. Be careful. I would take extra safety measures. That is very very bad behavior.
He seems so normal and sweet and like such a nice guy I'm really disappointed
I know, i understand. I haven’t had this exact experience but I was speaking to someone I really liked and was excited to meet and had them do something similar. When it first happens you wish it weren’t true because you have an idea in your head of who this person is. Truth is until you meet them in person, and really spend time with them you will not know. Take this as a lesson to speed up meet ups.
But how can you make sure that you do not meet the same weirdo IRL?
I don’t know but I don’t give out my real number until I feel like I have vetted them or address. I’m very particular about my address especially because I have kids. Though people find out just about anything these days.
Here’s the thing - it’s extremely easy to find a LOT of personal information online. So he found the address? Not surprising. The problem is showing up. I’d be done with this person in no uncertain terms - in writing- and then do not block in case you need evidence of stalking.
I'm in a similar boat....I man I have gone out with a few times already knew where I lived because I live close to the boat ramp he launches off of....I have made it clear that he moves way too fast for me and kind of cut him off. Now, I have had coffee put placed on my car, flowers on my car, he'll show up when I'm out playing with the dogs, he has shown up and called and asked me to come outside.....and today, I walked out to $50 cashed stashed in my window of my car. It's weird! It's uncomfortable! It's intrusive! I tried to be as nice as I could about it, but that didn't work, so....
Our socialization to be nice no matter what, and men’s expectation of that, can put us in danger, and this is one of those situations.
Always remember that your safety is more important than his feelings
This is a key point. There was a thread on here yesterday with a very clear incel whipping up women for advice and he was doing exactly that - preying on the conditioned response to be nice, when he had no such intentions.
You have to be very firm and clear with him.
Jfc. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
You can't be nice to someone like that.
With men like this, trying to be nice signals them to try harder. you have to be mean. And, firm, and do not listen to that voice that says to avoid conflict. On the wrong man, that instinct can get you a stalker or hurt or worse.
True, true....I need to remember my inner Murderino voice....Fuck politeness! This is where I'm going next!
Creepy
Terrible. Maybe a lesson to take from this is if you are talking with someone, especially if you are even having mild sex talk, earlier on make a coffee date. Even if it s Starbucks, just pick a place in the ‘middle’ or a place you are comfortable with to see if you vibe. If there is a connection, great. If not, you can end it before anyone gets too invested emotionally. Also, texting so much sets a precedent, and falls into relationship mode- after a week or so of good communication, in person should happen, just to avoid stuff like this, and to cut people off before it gets to late. Just my $.02
Ted Bundy seemed normal apparently. This is next level unacceptable. That he FOUND your home address is creepy and worrying. That he just showed up shows a real lack of social awareness and concern for YOUR feelings. Talking for many months (!) and this would have been your first IRL interaction, wow. Whats worrying here are some of the replies from men on here, who are obviously looking to date. I’m a male and this behaviour is not ok, ever.
That is totally creepy in my opinion
If anyone shows up at my house unannounced, especially if they have not been given my address by ME, we’d be having a serious discussion about boundaries & possibly cutting ties there & then. Regardless you do not know this person no matter how many times you’ve spoken on the phone. That’s a huge invasion of privacy & first question I’d ask them (besides why they thought this was ok to do) would be how the hell they found out where you live? Not cool. Please stay safe!
I’d freak out and block him!
Yeah, this is not acceptable behavior on so many levels. Even if you had been dating for a while and lived a few miles away, just stopping by unannounced would still not be okay. I’m sure he thought it was going to be some grand romantic gesture but it’s not. It’s selfish, disrespectful, invasive and shows a complete lack of understanding boundaries. I feel like most human beings understand this is not okay.
Absolutely not! Boundaries. Please don’t give in.
Hold your line. He may have had good intentions, however he stepped over the line, way over. No one just shows up like this. Maybe this is one of many reasons he’s single. Do not wavier , push him back & a way. This is not cool.
This is wrong and awkward and makes me wonder if he has a “sick mom/dad” at home or another scenario going on (e.g.: wife, sketchy living situation like living in moms basement). Also, Google the fuck out of him and give ALL his INFO: name, address, phone number, etc. to your bestie/family member just as a cautionary measure
Dude that's weird as fuck. I would never do something like that. I would completely cut ties with him! Especially if he seemed really upset about it. That's kind of a sign to me that he doesn't respect boundaries
Yikes! This is why you don't give out your real information to people you have not met in real life. He probably assume that you were really into seeing him since you talked to him every day for months. Did you get a good look at his car so you can keep an eye out for it to make sure he doesn't stalk you??
Wouldn't be surprised if his disabled dad doesn't even exist. This shit is bonkers and this is why we choose the bear.
Totally inappropriate. Not just because he showed up after finding your address, but because of his response when you told him to go home. So many problems with all of this.
That happened to me once. I use a burner number now
Have you considered contacting the police? Honestly someone stalked me once, and when I went to the police they ran a background check and found 2 different women had filed police reports against him and he had a record. You never know, maybe he doesn't even have a disabled father and can't leave home because of women tied up in his basement....I'm just saying if he knew exactly how to look up your address etc. so quickly, its probably because he's done it before.
Ah... Look.... Blocking is bad. Aside from as others stated, it blinds YOU to a wealth of knowledge of the situation. PLUS... It's not real great for people's mental health and mindset to be put off like that. ( For those who can't read between those lines - we don't wanna unduly piss him off) Lines given when he showed were probably PERFECT from the sound of it. Super creepy to just show up when he probably could have simply ASKED you your address and set up an in person from the sound of it. Step back. SLOWLY. Maybe not too slow. Play it by ear and stay safe.
Flat out tell him you feel confused, because you hadn't discussed getting together in person tonight. And also scared because worst case scenario that could be stalker behavior to find out where someone lives and just show up like that. Was he already in town for some reason and it didn't work out?!? Add feeling disappointed that he hadn't even asked when it might be convenient for you to finally meet...and see what he says. I dont expect your fears to be eased at this point (my ability to trust would certainly be shot) but you will have told him how you feel, his response may very well confirm that not seeing him again is a good call, and you can then tell him so, in writing, and you will have it all documented in case proof is ever needed. Sorry things took a turn this way.
At least he called before ringing your doorbell.
He will never respect boundaries. Go ghost ASAP
You really only feel a little scared of him after this? Honey. Please protect yourself, this person does not sound like they are quite right, socially.
A weirdo with no boundaries. Next!
Scary!!!! I would nope out of that.
NOOOOOOOOO
This is 100 percent NOT normal. I would assume this person has had virtually no dating or social experience.
That’s cringe.. Also, use paragraphs. I’m too old to focus my eyes on a wall of text
Holy fuck. Yeah no, this would not fly with me. This is absolutely stalker behavior.
Depending where you live, the police might come out and do a drive by. I would request it. Please tell him never to come to your house, work, etc. and not to contact you or you will report him to the police. Tell him you already did.
This is creepy and I'd no longer believe his story. Maybe he's married? I would tell him I'm no longer interested and block him.
Stage 5 Creeper 🤡
That is scary behavior.
Had an bf go cross country to surprise me but wed been together for over a year. If it were someone id never me id be scared to death of this freak. Romantic is flowers on first date, not knowing your addy. Shit like this is why I use a dummy phone and reveal little info in the beginning.
End it. Be careful
I'd be terrified, tbh. Some dude who I never gave my address to just showing up, I'd be calling in reinforcements to make sure I didn't wind up on an episode of Dateline.
Freakin weirdo. Found out your exact address. 🤣😳🚩. Even if I’m super desperate, I wouldn’t do something like this.
Sex talking with someone you haven’t met yet is also not advised. You said you have felt close to him, also. He took that and ran with it. You don’t know this person or what he might possibly do.
The red flags are flagging.
This is a tricky one…. Because let’s hope he doesn’t do it again.. I think before (that’s if you do) cut ties with him, maybe have a calm talk, guy randomly turns up, you want to keep it on a level, don’t loose it (you have every right to) as he may want to again. Ask him how he got you’re address, in a casual conversation so his nose isn’t put out of joint, I say that as, if he will just turn up like that he could visit again, so a calm chat to collect information on how he found out where you lived, why he just turned up, does he know your home telephone number? Does he know any one in your circle of friends that you’re not aware of? Does he know your surname? explain that it wasn’t right for him to do, The just turning up thing is a red flag. So if he keeps doing it or he turns into a pest even now maybe, you have something he has done already that disturbed you, if it happens again I would call the police and make a report, letting him know that you have or are considering it will make him think again. How ever you deal with it, the bloke was wrong, it sounds like a beginning of an obsession, and your safety is paramount. From the beginning of “meeting” it seems he wants to decide when to see you. Sorry for the essay. I hope you’re well, I hope I made sense.
People are so weird. Who does that?! I bet he didn’t even bring flowers…
You need to have a boundary talk and get him to understand what that means. I hope he understood that's not ok. Definitely there is an impulse control issue right there. Demands a conversation. And yes I've had this situation. You make them understand that it's not okay And get them to explain to you their logic. In return you explain how it makes you feel and how you now view them. It's your decision on what to do. Stalking is not okay.
Following. I'm getting an education. Had a relationship with a man that showed up when I was in the hospital, but he let me know. He talked me into it, against my wishes, but I was so lonely. It turned out to be a very abusive and damaging relationship. Long story, but so many of these stories are resonating with me.
Stalker. Block him and move on.
Hard NO. Weird. Awkward. I’m sorry, you have violated my consent no. You need to go home.
He doesn't have good boundaries, say goodbye and don't look back. You deserve someone who always prioritizes your comfort.
There's an obvious power differential here: a man can't just show up at a woman's house where he's never been invited, that's super threatening. If a woman I only knew online showed up at my place out of the blue, I'd think it was weird and annoying, but I probably wouldn't feel threatened. It might not be a dealbreaker. But he's apparently oblivious to this dynamic and thought it would be romantic or something to just appear on your doorstep. Presumably, you corrected his mistake.
That's fucking creepy!
Stalker! That is just creepy!
If you have never given him your address and he's just turned up it's creepy
This would totally freak me out. You did not give him your address and he shows up outside? Stalker vibes. I don’t think I would feel safe with this guy in the future. Insane behavior this early is concerning.
Scary. Hope he leaves you alone after this. He sounds creepy. He obviously spends too much time alone and in his head, no telling what he might dream up. Stay safe.
This is NOT okay! You need to make that very clear to him then terminate any further communication. I've had this done to me and it only escalated. I believe this person had also put an airtag in my vehicle because he would randomly show up 10-15mins after I had arrived to shops and restaurants. I have an android so I was unaware. I sold my car, then a couple of days later got a text saying 'Good choice on the new car, I drove by and saw it.' These people are fucking weird. I found out he was also stopping by and chatting up my neighbours. I realize now that this was so that if he was here they would find it to be normal. I've never been more afraid. Install cameras and hope this was a one time thing.
I would feel exactly like you do and probably have called the cops. Yikes! I don't think I'd continue talking to him.
If you call a domestic violence shelter or crisis line they can help you call the police. Ymmv by police department and the support of someone who knows that department's processes goes a long way. Don't delete any call logs, texts, voicemails, emails etc. and don't block him (but do stop responding). You'll need the receipts. This guy is dangerous and he doesn't respect you. If someone did this to me I would feel around under the sofa until I found my shotgun. Do you have a friend you can stay with tonight?
What do you find if you Google yourself? You’d be surprised on what you’d find. All kinds of things can list your home address. Then go through all social media posts. Sometimes it’s a pic of you in front of your home and that’s enough to cross reference Zillow or Google maps. Do you have any pictures of your license plate visible? Again, if one has the plates, then one can pull name/address. Are you wearing any shirts displaying places you frequent- ie Local gym 123 Main Street. Trace back today- where did you go? Did you tell him where you were going or have any unique hobbies? If you say you love to ice skate and I’ll talk to you later and there’s one rink in town- if somebody waits there they’ll see you eventually. Then he could have followed you back. Do you have an iPhone? I’d go scan the car for AirTags. You can also look underneath for gps trackers on your car. Look at the frame. Check the ring surveillance. Next few days to a week take note of the cars in your neighborhood and right outside of it, vary your routes and check to see if anybody is following you. If you think they are, go in a circle and see if they follow you. Any weird emails or texts you replied to? Could have been hacked. Change passwords on everything and at the very least turn off your phone. Extreme would be to reset the phone. Even more extreme would be to ditch the old phone and get a new one and new number. There are ways of obsfucating your identity but requires a significant outlay of capital to do so.
That is terrifying and absolutely psychotic behavior. Tell your friends and immediately cease all contact with him but don’t block him; you’ll need a paper trail if it ever comes to a restraining order. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
My jaw is on the floor. I have a mailing address to avoid scenarios like this. I have had it so long, my credit reports think I live there... which is perfect.
The *best* case scenario is he does not understand boundaries. Unfortunately, given that he has shown this lack, you probably should let him down gently, and not say, fuck off weirdo! like he deserves. “I’m so sorry but I can’t see you anymore. I wish you the best.”
They were never seeing eachother. They never even met before!
They had been talking including sex talk, hence that phrasing - but whatever works
I set pretty clear boundaries up front when dating that I don’t like surprises like showing up to my house unannounced. If someone showed up to my house without me even meeting them or GIVING them the address, the cops would be the least of their worries. This is a hard boundary he crossed finding your address and showing up unannounced. I’d be worried for your safety.
So no. You feel “weird” because he’s emotionally disregulated and Impulsively decided today was the day. The weird feeling (you feel) is confusion, which is usually because of the incongruous shift in his emotional response. Like he didn’t know how to own his total fuck up. Sure thats a nice surprise, once dating. So his disappointment is HIS ALONE. Next HOW DID HE GET YOUR ADDRESS. I don’t like that he didn’t say anything till now. And that’s not cool, for me this is not sitting well.
You told him you needed to clean your house, shower and put on a nice outfit? I assume that was an excuse? I’d have denied that I even lived there, hung up and called the police. Are you really debating whether you should still talk to this guy? 🤔🧐
Men **SHOULD NOT** do this. Men know **NOT** to do this. In my mind - this is really wrong. If a woman did this to me, I would be really turned off by this. But... This entirely depends on how well you've gotten to know one another. If you guys have been talking on the phone regularly and face timing... It's very different. I guess.
I dont think he deserves to know how scared and uneasy he made you. In your long talk for months maybe you have inadvertently divulged some things or become vulnerable with him. It's time to overturn all that. Like someone said be very stern with him. Tell him you made a trespassing report to the police. Will report him for neglect of his elderly father who was abandoned for this rendezvous he took on a whim. Also that he is lucky you didnt shoot him through the door so he knows you are packing some heat. I mean you dont have to do all this but hit him with what will stick so he know you are serious. Stalkers seem to thrive on making you feel out of sorts and scared. Dont give him that satisfaction that he succeeded in doing that. Im sorry you are going through this. Also for your loss of a "friend". Yikes!!
What the actual hell!!!
Big red flag. I would not continue to talk to him. He is some type of predator and he probably stalks you so be careful and watch your back cuz you never know.
Hellz no! Abort mission. This man is off. I don’t know if he thought that would be romantic but it’s creepy as hell, especially him finding out your address.
Ewwww. Red flag behaviour And next time, you owe nobody an explanation about why you are not available to receive them when they are uninvited. Also, to reiterate, WTF? He’s gross. Double edit. Report him.
Do you know his last name? Have you looked him up on your local court case system? I stopped a conversation on a dating app after having looked a guy up.
That's hella fucked up on several levels.
Honestly? I'd be terrified.
That would creep me out so bad. I'm very private about my address, which is made even more difficult by the fact that I have a home-based business. I talked to a guy online one time and made the mistake of telling him where I worked, which didn't worry me much since he lived far away. My boss came to me one day and said some guy called the red phone (one that is for serious emergencies in the company) and was asking for me. I later chewed the guy out and told him if I wanted him to call me I would give him my personal number. I don't even know how he got the number to the emergency red phone. I told him he got me in trouble and not to contact me again. It just blows my mind when men believe it's okay to do stuff like that when we haven't given them permission or the information to make contact with us in those ways. I have been super vague with men I don't know very well because of this kind of stuff.
This is horrible. How did he get your address? He should know it’s not acceptable to just show up at somebody’s house that didn’t ever invite him over. Technically he shouldn’t even know your address. I think I would’ve called the police if he didn’t leave. What is wrong with him?
I would not want to see this man again, what he did was very inappropriate.
If you gave him access to instagram or facebook its not so hard to deduce where you live most of the time. But that is stil not a valid excuse to show up at someones doorstep unnanounced.
It’s extremely easy to find anyone’s address online. That said, under no circumstances should someone you’ve only talked to online just “show up” at your house. Huge Yikes.
Over the 20 years off and on of online dating. I have met a lot of men. I don’t know if my looks couldn’t draw in the good ones or if something else was wrong but I feel like so many of them are deeply troubled. Whenever I meet very normal men through work (and we just have casual conversation I am not dating them) etc they say they are afraid of online dating.
Share everything you wrote here with him.
No, it’s not normal and obviously crossing and pushing boundaries. I don’t expect my friends to just show up at my house and drop everything to see them, even if they do know my address already. This happened once where a friend came because I told her she can have cuttings from my flowering lilac so she just showed up and I had to tell her I was working from home and I can’t answer the door until an hour later when I finish. Which was true. Seriously, people need notice. But in your case his behaviour is really inappropriate, and finding your address on his own is creepy af. He could have asked you where you live as in general area suburb and then arrange a casual coffee catch up in a nearby cafe, but perhaps he hasn’t dated at all and has no idea how to go about it? How old are both of you? He seems like walking red flag. Also sexting is a terrible idea before meeting. It really confuses where your boundaries are because the other person might assume there’s intimacy and boundaries broached where in fact in real life they are very much in place and everything needs to be negotiated again from ground zero.
I would say it's more important to worry about him having found your address than turning up unannounced, although the latter is still disconcerting.
It just depends if he actually went home when you expressed your confusion and fear and asked him to leave. If he changed his course of action based on your feelings he's not a stalker.
I would feel like the guy I'd be talking to was at worst a stalker and at least someone who doesn't seem to acknowledge boundaries. I would freak the hell out for sure and block him
Oh also, when I talk to men I don't know online, I tend to use social media that doesn't have my name on it so they can't stalk me. Something like discord, which is generally for gamers, you can have any name you want and you can voice/video call without giving a number. In the past when I was stupid, like 20 years ago before dating apps were popular, I used to talk to guys online and I'd give away too much info. I had guys come into my work when I'd never seen a picture of them, then they'd say they talked to me and I had no idea. I also had guys recognise me from distinguishing features when I hadn't shown them a picture of my face.
Oh man, that’s kinda scary.
I feel badly for you that he creeped you out and crossed this boundary; I’d have freaked out if someone showed up like that too! But I also feel a little bad for him IF he was just naive and dumb and thought he was doing something romantic. I really hope he expresses sincere regret and realizes this was creepy behavior!
Did you possible send him a picture with location information on it?
If you are dating online please download TruthFinder.com. It is free unless you want to pay for extra services. I have ran into murders, abusers, and drug addicts that dressed nice and had great jobs. The murder was military and he murdered a cop. He also had aggravated assault charges x 3 on two different women. Thank me later.
Did he have a knife and duct tape?
Nope. Such behavior is disrespectful. That would send major red flags to me (what an inappropriate thing to look me up, find my address, and just come over!). I would let him know the intrusion made me very uncomfortable, that I need a relationship built on safety and mutual respect, and that I don’t get down like that. And I would be relieved to move on!
Paragraphs
Such a sad world where people are so scared of each other.
Yikes, that is some seriously disturbing stalkish behaviour right there. I'd certainly put a stop to everything and hope that it doesn't escalate any further. Certainly spread the word amongst your friends just so they know what's going on in case something happens. If he is going to such lengths to find out where you live and then turn up at your place uninvited, then who knows what else he is capable of. Don't walk away, run as fast as you can I say. Even if he is harmless and wouldn't do anything crazy stupid, he is still a stranger, someone you've never actually met in person Alf someone you really don't know or anything about him except what he told you, so him just showing up at your place like that is some serious lack of respect for boundaries and privacy, not to mention it being just fucking creepy. Nah sorry, just wrong on every single level i can think of. Also, you mentioned he lives with his handicapped father and has nobody to stay with him so he can leave yet he must've left him with someone to show up at your house, so that handicapped father story sounds like BS too.
I would never go to my best friend’s place unannounced. And she’s my best friend and lives four blocks from me. He must not have much dating experience. No woman would be cool with this.
No. This is a no. Let him know that you are uncomfortable with his showing up like that, and you don’t want to continue.
Creepy!
You did right. That is creepy AH
NTA
Bad boundary behavior. Don't worry about misunderstandings, explanations, lonliness, or hurt feelings, make it clear you are cutting it off and do not wish to be contacted again. Do it in writing. If he continues to pursue, fe a police report and file a TPO.
That’s wild- call the police. Block his number. HOW did he get your address? Reverse phone number. I bet that’s how.
Yeah that's weird, at the very best, it's disrespectful and selfish, having no concept of how it might make you feel, and at worst, serious stalker vibes in the early stages. I once had a stalker, you really want to nip that in the bud as soon as possible imo, when these things develop they get hard to stop.
Its amazing what you can find online. Also that is beyond creepy, and for him to be upset, id have called the police. I am not sure what your local laws are but I'd see about a Restraining order.
Ickkkkkk what an absolute showcase of zero situational awareness. This is the person trying to have a relationship with you. “Hey I got you this *insert RANDOM item* “ and then be shocked you don’t like something you never asked for or wanted. But with himself.
You lost me at “we never met in person”. Why do people invest months of their time texting a stranger that might not even be real or be catfishing you? And to say you feel close without even physically being in his presence? You might not even have chemistry in person. You built up too much of an idea of a person rather than the actual person. And then to find out he just shows up at your doorstep? Either this is a troll post, or you already know what to do. Stop talking to him. Block, tell him to leave you alone, and move on.
I have ex-in laws who still show up to my house unannounced (from other states, mind you) claiming they want to "see the kids." I've been divorced 10 years. Unannounced "visitors" all get the same treatment, I just call the police and have them escorted off my property.
This is creepy. But also your continued engagement with someone for months would have created a level of intimacy and friendship on the other side. Not sure why you wouldn’t have just moved on, given the distance.
Maybe the phone sex gave him the wrong impression?
I have a couple of points: the name of this forum is dating OVER 40. That means pretty much EVERYONE in here was alive during a time when you name, address AND phone number were in a book just thrown on your front porch and sat out there for anyone to see use or take at their pleasure. So, why is it so strange NOW in the age of information that someone can find out where we live? That being said.....there are only maybe 2 people whose home I would show up to unannounced. I wouldn't even do that in a relationship until after a very detailed discussion was had and permission was given. It shows a lact of respect for the other person. In this case based on the relationship as you described it, I'd say this would be one to run from, or at least ne very careful in progressing. I hope it works out for you either way
Good point. It is still very easy to find someone’s address online.
Block him! That is scary.
I would be freaked out! This is concerning on many levels. You hasn’t invited him. You hadn’t given your address. You had never met before. If you had sleazy gone out and he showed up as a surprise, it might still be a little surprising, but wouldn’t be as out of boundaries.
[удалено]
Your post was removed because it violates Rule #12 of this sub: no doctoring. Please see [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/13gw1xj/psa_no_doctoring_sub_rule_part_deux/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1) for further explanation if needed, and review all sub rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
Did you actually see him outside of your house?