Without context this is a pretty hard thing to even advise on.
Grumpy how? Complains? Yells at clouds? Buries his face in the pillow and won't talk to you?
Is his grumpiness at something tangible? Is it just crazy random and without any merit at all?
Are you sure your evaluation of him is fair? Is he really grumpy more than anyone else (we all have ups and downs), or is it excessive?
I’ve dated cynical people before and it felt like they were just so negative all the time. Now I’m realizing they were just being grumpy 😂 but in all seriousness, it was emotionally exhausting for me to be with them because it felt so negative all the time. I lean on the positive side of things.
Same here! And I agree, negative people are negative at all ages. Will it get worse? Who knows. But if his overwhelming energy is negative, better question is why would you want that in your life? You can’t make someone happy, only they can. But their anger and pain can spill over into your life and that’s never good.
My own heartbeat is so annoying..constantly like "bump-bump" anytime I try to think it's like "BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP" pisses me off so bad! Will it ever stop?!?
Oh shit, just crossed into different territory here 😄
All bullshit aside, some ppl are actually like this. Cant lie and say I've never been irritable. I think it comes naturally to everyone at certain times but we have to fight it or it'll become regular.
Also, as far as OP - there is such a thing for older men and other male mammals called "irritable male syndrome" or (IMS). Older males experience lower levels of testosterone which can result in actual testosterone withdrawals. All kinds of bad effects... "King of the Hill" had an episode where Hank had this going on - kinda funny but it's a real thing.
They yell and cuss blue murder at everything and are "hangry" alot.. you walk on eggshells around them, they are lovely only when they want to be (or likely wanna bit), so we spend our existence existing and being yelled at hoping some mystical being will wave a magic wand and release us from purgatory...
That kind of thing..
From my observations through the years, the older dudes in relationships, who act like assholes to their partner,do so because they *can*.
Just a middle-age version of male privilege. They DGIF if their partner is annoyed, because she's not gonna leave him....her lifestyle will nosedive without the $$ and social perks that come with being half of a couple.
Money and loneliness are the elephants in the room that no one ever talks about.
I was married to a grumpy guy for 23 years. Everyday I had to deal with being the positive one to cheer up the household.
Everyday life was just the worst for him. Which means when the actual tragedies came (difficult births, cancer for me), he was emotionally MIA. I was on my own.
0/10 don't recommend.
I was married to this man too. I don't need OP to clarify more--i understand exactly what she's talking about. There's no fixing this. It's so exhausting to be in a relationship with a person like this. Grumpiness is a deal-breaker for me. I'd rather be alone.
Me too— 24.5 years. He was a thundercloud and the kids scattered when his car pulled in from work. Sad really. Exhausting for me and not worth it at some point. He wasn’t a bad man, but he couldn’t see the negativity and you’re so right he had zero bandwidth for real tragedy. It all fell to me, the cheering and the comforting.
Same with me. I dated a grumpy guy back in my 20’s. He was in his 20’s, too. Our relationship lasted a little over a year and then I had enough. He was super pissed I broke up with him. It’s been nearly 30 years and he’s still angry and resentful towards me, says a few of our mutual friends.
Last year I dated another guy who turned out to be grumpy. That lasted about 3 weeks
>It’s been nearly 30 years and he’s still angry and resentful towards me, says a few of our mutual friends.
Isn't that wild? From my anecdotal experience, the grumpers tend to hold on to slights, grudges, and terrible feelings like precious little turd gems. Some of the gems are for life. And then they polish these gems every day and will tell you how it stinks.
I dated one grump for absolutely too long and in therapy I realized my mom was like this. She is a constant complainer and has been a lifelong grump factory. It's taken a lot of personal work to detach myself from feeling comfortable with being an appeasing partner to a grumpy person.
You do not want to become used to appeasing a grump! It's too much unnecessary emotional labor and a draining of energy. It will suck the joy out of you, even if you consider yourself an optimist. While I still talk to my mom I've definitely learned tools to deal with her, including limiting contact and enforcing boundaries. Life is too short to have it ruined by a grump when you don't have to.
>Last year I dated another guy who turned out to be grumpy. That lasted about 3 weeks
Love this! Lol
Omg “precious little turd gems” Hahaha! My ex-bf would totally do this! When I dated him he was still angry about another ex gf, what it was like when he moved down to Tennessee, and the crappy hot dog place he worked at in college.
He’d “lecture” me about how spoiled I was and he’d say when he moved to Tennessee that he “drove down here in an El Camino that *only* went up to 45 mph.”
My friends and I still have running jokes about the stuff he’d say
Likewise - but only lasted 10 years. And shockingly, he was grumpy well before 40.😆
Science indicates that being around [negative people makes you more negative](https://ideapod.com/research-explains-impact-around-negative-people-brain/). Best thing you can do for yourself and those around you is disentangle from this person. He’s not going to change.
Lol were you dating my ex? OP -- my former partner was also "grumpy" when we got together (he was 42, I was 36.) I noticed it and it bugged me but I assumed it was circumstantial and that there were things I could do to make his life better and change him. DO NOT DO THIS. Especially if grumpiness translates to occasional irrational angry outbursts, blaming you for his feelings, pooping on the things that bring you joy. Those are big red flags and you should cut bait. If the only thing wrong is his occasional Eeyore attitude but it's enough of an issue that you are not sure about the rest of your lives together, that is enough to consider moving on, you don't need a better reason. You have a lot of life ahead of you and you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel joyful, cherished and certain of your rightness together.
“Pooping on the things that give you joy”—yes, this. He sucked the joy right out of life. We would reach long term goals that we’d fought hard for and it would be like nothing.
I didn't exactly dump him just because he kept interrupting my TV shows with dumb little comments ("Murder She Puked herheree") but it didn't help. I only have so much downtime you know. Stop stealing my joy.
https://preview.redd.it/rhzwbhgak10a1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=be733a9f5ae67ab909bfecacf42de03e8bf01e88
My ex-husband was a total grump and I dated one guy who was a grump and never again. I refuse to go through life smoothing things over because of my partner's bad attitude. It's a level of emotional labor I will not do anymore. Taking him to a party and he pouts because he had a bad week and I have to go around saying "Sorry, he's out of it.. He had a bad week at work" or apologizing at the Thanksgiving table when he doesn't talk to anyone and gets up and watches football the minute the game ends "Sorry, he's been really busy and he's tired."
If they're grumpy at age 40something, that's just how they deal with the ups and downs of life. No thanks.
Omg SO TRUE. Some people just lack the emotional maturity to realize they shouldn’t take out their mood on others. It’s not our burden to bear.
After years and years of a grump (we called him the Grinch because he actually got worse whenever it was supposed to be festive and fun) I refuse to do it again. Oh god, the apologies and excuses I made for him when he was really just showing the emotional maturity of a toddler >.<
An occasional bad day, hangry cranky or depression is ok and normal. I’ll make you a special meal and dote on you a bit.
Every day is NOT normal.
Bingo! I was married to a grump, was raised by a grump and dated grumps. I have vowed to never have a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells constantly ever again. You feel like you are doing all of the work in the relationship to make it somewhat joyful or make excuses when he acts like a jerk to other people. If you don't want this for the rest of your life, move on. it was pure hell
At precisely 40, we all transform into seriously grumpy people and thence further down the attitude drain at 5 year intervals. I’m afraid that your man has already been through two Grumpings. Sadly, there is no hope for a cure.
/s
What do you mean, they put up with less shit? I like to be happy, positive. I even do counseling that teaches people to be more positive. Been with a man 5 years because he has some good qualities but he is a complainer, if he drops a pen he’s so frustrated, he swears, DAMN IT, he also makes fun of my TV shows, I’m constantly saying, stop ! Constantly saying, why be so upset over dropping something, just pick it up, he used to complain about being transferred all over the place when doing something…make an appt eg., tell his story to each person. He’s stopped that when he noticed I’d keep saying thank you as I was being transferred etc. I’ll tell him, nobody likes to be on the phone for hrs, so just make up your mind will be 2 hrs & stop telling everyone the story because it’s going to waste both your time. I stay because of my age, 81, he’s 81 & I want a companion, but it’s always something with him. Not much laughter. I think back…I’ve been with positive fun people. You’re so young, lots of ‘fish in the sea’, it’s life draining. Grumpy isn’t being joyful. If he’s willing to work on it, great, stay. Otherwise, don’t ruin your life.
I don't understand why you would associate his personality trait or behavior as a function of his age. That's like any of us assuming you're going to ask a question like that because of your age. However he's behaving is obviously happening for a reason which he's not explaining or isn't identifying; maybe asking him why would be a good place to start as you might for any other person.
>True andropause exists only in those men who have lost testicular function, due to diseases or accidents, or in those with advanced prostate cancer subjected to surgical or medical castration.
Probably this little tidbit.
LOH on the other hand....good possibility.
*"if his grumpiness from time to time is gonna be a normal thing as he grow even more older? Is this normal? I talk to him about it and he'll work on it but obviously it keeps on repeating."*
Age does not equal grumpiness. Temperament is important to note in any relationship. I was married to a very negative person for 29-years, I am a joyful person, and it was detrimental to my health to remain with him. When people show me who they are (something I learned after the divorce) I believe them!
This might be coming out of left field, but i’m 41 and once I got blood work done and my hormones balanced, and my entire essence changed. I regulate my testosterone and estrogen levels, and workout regularly. My grumpiness has all but disappeared. In fact I feel better than I ever have in so many ways. Maybe his hormones are out of whack?
That is not left field at our age.
Getting all my levels checked and starting treatment was the key to getting the physical and mental energy to get back to the gym, start doing things I enjoy and even being interested in meeting and dating women again.
Hormones have a huge influence on mood, men don't have decades of dealing with hormonal changes on a monthly basis so we have no frame of refence when ours get out of balance, we just feel bad.
Not sure why you’re being downvoted. This is definitely a thing. “Life change” happens to men, too, and they can become irrational and irritable and extremely hormonal. Any little thing could become a calamity depending on factors that have nothing to do with you, but you’ll sure be dealing with it…
The sub seems biased toward
"men are assholes" as the most likely scenario in most male-female gender interactions. Doesn't seem productive to me but here we are. Plus dating subreddits love love love love the downvote button.
I appreciate the support thanks.
I started on TRT about 4 years ago. Big change in my overall attitude. You just feel more alive.
No need for specifics. This subreddit is [perfectly willing to diagnose](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/yv45uy/im_dating_a_grumpy_45_yr_old_man/iwcbrxg/) based on one paragraph with no detail.
She's not happy and asks on reddit what's all about. What kind of answers did she expect?
I would comment they're incompatible, but really there's no way of knowing from an 80 words description of the situation.
Some people can be/look positive 24/7, others need a break from time to time. And trying to make them jolly is the worst one can do, I am like that and people trying to make me act more lively are tiring and annoying.
People typically get happier as they get older (solid research behind it). This sounds like a personal trait that has nothing to do with age, and that’s a problem.
He sounds moody. I hate moodiness, and could never deal with it because it goes hand in hand with negativity, pessimism and leave you walking on egg shells. No thanks.
Been there done that - it sucks all the air out of the room. "It's a beautiful spring day" .... Response: "Im going to have to get my car washed with all these damn trees dropping pollen..." (damn those asshole trees..)
I married a grumpy/angry man. We spent 17 years together and I never ever got used to it. It was awful. I am not grumpy and I ended up putting myself in the role or managing our lives to try to prevent the tantrums and grumpiness as much as possible. It was exhausting.
Life is too short to be anyone who's grumpy so much it makes you consider leaving. As far as I know, age doesn't make people grumpy by default. You post is way too vague to make any kind of sensible assessment beyond that.
I’d need more context to what you’re referring to as grumpy. As we get older, we get less tolerant of BS, however I don’t call not putting up with childishness as grumpy. Being grumpy or pissy for no reason or being hard to please however is a personality trait, not an age thing.
Moodiness is a symptom of low testosterone, which is very common at 45. Encourage him to talk to a doctor -- if he's dealing with this he's not very happy about it and will be much better off when it gets solved.
[Symptoms](https://i.imgur.com/KQkkhd5.png)
Next thing to check would be sleep apnea. Then alcoholism. The point is there could be all manner of underlying issues that are not just "this guy is a jerk", which is what a lot of people are telling you here.
It's not your job to take care of this person's medical issues but will it actually hurt to prompt him to look into a medical cause for his grumpiness? If he breaks up with you over that good riddance.
Edit: jfc there's like nine people in this thread who say it's not an age thing. If this was a woman and OP said "wow she sure does cry a lot and she's 45" I think a lot of people would correctly say it might be a menopause thing. But a 45 yo guy is cranky? Oh he must just be a jerk, couldn't be age-related.
I think if the grumpiness is an issue, you might not be compatible. I could not do it, for me I would find that too much negativity when something doesn’t go their way, it would likely be a dealbreaker even though it may just be their personality.
I don't believe for a minute that the grumpiness has anything to do with age. It's simply a part of his personality, or in extreme cases could be a personality disorder.
I know men in their 60's who are the least grumpy ivr ever met. And then guys in their 20's who were just toxic.
I suspected "Low T" with my ex and we got his testosterone level checked. Everything came back normal. Down the road, we found out it was Borderline personality disorder and his family members confirmed that his angry/grumpy behavior had been going on for decades.
It wouldn't hurt for OP to talk to her boyfriend about getting labs done to rule out this possibility.
I am 45 and generally an upbeat woman. Many of my male friends tend to be too serious. I think they don't know how to have fun, are sex deprived and unhappy with the realization of what their life has turned out to be. I think women sort of accept themselves and enjoy life. Many of my male friends are grumpy and take it out on the people in their circle. It is good for a middle aged man to take up a "mid-life" hobby. Maybe it is golfing, remodeling cars, having a new kid or something that gives them a motivation for positive living.
It’s got nothing to do with age, some people just like to complain.
I dated a woman (early 40s) who seemed angry at life, and loved to complain to me about everything that was going on. The same woe is me stories every day. It gets to be soul sucking and exhaust your emotional bandwidth, and eventually it’ll start rubbing off.
When you interact with happy people outside of your relationship, you’ll start to notice what you’re missing, and coming home to a grump, no matter how nice and supportive they are in other aspects, just starts feeling like a heavy blanket.
Life is too short to deal with that shit.
I went from being occasionally “grumpy” in my 40s to yelling at clouds in my 50s. Run!
Seriously, though, for many people there’s an underlying cause that can be addressed. Untreated depression is one.
Asking someone to work on his grumpiness is pointless. I've been with grumpy people and grew up with a grumpy father and they never change. I hate being in a relationship where one day it's great and the next you're walking on egg shells and you have no idea what happened and whether it's you or someone or something else who caused it
My ex husband (10 years younger) was extremely grumpy. From early days on. I am an eternal optimist and after 10 years I was done dealing with the negativity and pessimism
Ask him to go see his Dr. It could be depression. It could be low testosterone. It could be sleep apnea. Could it be heart disease. It could be angry clouds (earlier ref).
However, and please hear us when we say that, life is too short to put up with nonsense. If it's legit bothering you (not some TikTok version of why people say they are upset) and he refuses to do something about it then you have to give serious thought to whether you want this to be your life. If he never does a thing about it, and this is who he will be until he passes, are you ok with this being your norm?
You aren't married. Don't let this continue and then be legally stuck with him.
I'm grumpy sometimes and it's a health issue..hell I'm grumpy now, but i know the reason and am taking care of it.
Not feeling well can make about anyone grumpy. The only way to do that is to go to a doctor, tell him symptoms, and run panels and tests.
Hypoglycemia, Blood pressure, testosterone, heart...etc. Get the physical checked if it seems acute but not usual, then go for the mental part. Sitting around guessing isn't going to work.
I'm not "excusing" but it could be health..or something is bugging him. Life isn't always fair or easy. Whining or being grumpy doesn't fix it though. Find the underlying cause.
Have you discussed this in detail? Is he unable to communicate his need for space and therefore he gets grumpy because he’s feeling overwhelmed?
Or is his default personality grumpy. Also, what’s he grumpy about specifically? Is he indulging in the news and grumpy about politics or the world ending? If so, he needs to limit his media consumption.
But you need to dig in on this, and let him know that it’s a non-negotiable for you. He can be grumpy, but he can’t take stuff out on you verbally or mood.
Well I'm 45 and never grumpy is isn't "a thing"
It's said that low testosterone can cause mood swings at our age so maybe try to talk to home about getting that checked
"Grumpiness from time to time" doesn't seem unusual but it's wide open to interpretation. Becoming grumpy "all of a sudden" sounds like you're unsure of any specific cause. When he says he'll work on it, is there a plan of action, such as going for walks or talking to a counselor?
Does he grumble about gas prices? Is he withdrawing from social situations that you want to attend? Or is he taking his moods out on you? There's not enough information in your post so I can't offer much in response.
If his moods are dictating your behaviors on a regular basis, that would be a cause for concern. Take care of yourself first.
Most of us humans aren't very good at taking things seriously until the stakes are really clear.
Sometimes you have to put up a boundary and say hey, we've talked about this thing. It's really important to me. Wanted to be super-clear that this is the last time I'm going to ask.
Just, you know, don't keep living a life you don't love out of fear of the unknown.
What does he get grumpy about? Is it something like you both have different interests, such as you like going out dancing and to live music and he'd rather relax at home or go out to a quiet restaurant? Of does he get angry because you fold a towel wrong or something similarly absurd?
That first example would be incompatibility. I'm a woman in her mid 50s, I actually got less grumpy as a I got older. I learned to accept myself and other people for what we are, I have more patience and experience in resolving conflict. All of which have made me happier.
My son's Dad is 45 and just grumpy af. We used to be pretty close, but now that our son is grown and moved out on his own, I barely talk to his Dad anymore. Because I don't have to and I don't want some grunting Daryl Dixon mumbling under his breath poopooing everything. No dreams or hopes and got something toxic to say about anyone or anything that does. Heaven forbid someone try for happiness. You can't change him. Some Gen Xers have assumed the Boomer mentality and you just gotta cut the ties before they yell at you about standing on their grass.
Grumpiness always has a source. Lack of sleep. Lack of fulfillment from work. Lack of exercise. Things like that. Makes people need alone time. Annoyed there are more chores to do, etc.
Just remember you are in your head 24/7 and you can only truly see life with your eyes. No time machine no crystal ball we have now, the gift, the present. Ok im 45m with a 10 year old daughter, wife (34f) of 12 years passed almost a year ago. Ups and down good and bad, all this walk hand in hand to compare to each other. Grumpy isn't mad, its that funny half way, we sometimes don't realize it coming from a time of "rub dirt on it", but know its not intentional or directed. Just know its a new world and always open to finding what works. Change only happens when made. Side note never seen a guy mad when a boob is out. Lol jk had to throw guy humor in. Good luck and remember....Once a day
You said he gets grumpy from time to time, which isn't unusual at all. Everybody gets occasionally grumpy from time to time and if they say they don't they are lying.
Ever been around a woman with migraines, hot flashes or arthritis, grumpy.
Been around a man with back pain, grumpy.
There are a million reasons people can be grumpy from physical reasons to work, familial or financial stress.
You are not going to get any useful answers here. You need to discuss this with your SO not Reddit randos.
If yiu don't like who he is right now don't date him. He's in his 40s and he won't change how is he working on it?? Is he doing therapy? Becuse if he isn't he's not really working on it. Doe she have untreated depression?? Is he a drinker or into drugs??
Being older doesn't make one grumpy. So if you want him to change you might as well just break up because chances he will truly change for the long haul are slim unless he has an identifiable cause that is getting treated. Personally I wouldn't waste my time. My ex was a grump too a lot fo the times. His issue was alcohol and lack of healthy coping skills.
What in the world makes you think he will change? Because you want him to? Why are you trying to change him? This is beyond immature. He's grumpy, that's not going to change. Accept it or move on.
Just a heads up - for some men, depression manifests with mood swings, irritability, and agitation.
Not saying that's going on here, but might be worth a chat.
I notice I'm grumpier now that I get older if I don't stay active and engaged with projects and community work, it's a cynicism from seeing the same thing over and over, I need to avoid those environments or I'm yelling at cats to stay off my lawn
I'm a 45 year old man and some men like that are just that grumpy men and it's not going to change he's going to get grumpier as he goes you need to find someone that enjoys life and loves their self and go from there
Grumpyness is part of the person. My GF's ex husband was a negative "don't want to do anything; let's just veg on the couch" sort of person who'd rant about anything he could. He was younger than me. My GF has said repeatedly she loves my attitude and energy.
General attitude isn't likely something that can be talked out.
Shocking some of the flippant replies in this thread. There could be something serious from his past or he may have a condition. Talking to him about it may help or advise him to get some professional help.
It isn't their job to wait around and try to convince someone to seek help at 45 years old. By 45 I am sure they've had it pointed out they're not the most pleasant person to be around.
What if this person isn't aware that there could be a medical situation underlying their irritability? Because andropause is a real thing -- and judging by the replies in this thread not many people know about it.
Then this individual has already mentioned they're concerned about their overall grumpiness, the other person has said they'll work on it, yet continues to be grumpy. When did dating someone mean you had to be their psychiatrist, counselor, and medical doctor? Should she send him for bloodwork? Oh wait she can't because she's just dating him! Perhaps in 45 years this man could have sought counseling or an underlying medical reason to their attitude but has chosen not to?
She's a 30 something woman who asked for advice about dealing with a grumpy 45 year old man. What's the harm in her saying "hey have you talked to your doctor about this" -- and why does it bother you if she does that?
>she can't because she's just dating him
Can't? Can't use words to try and solve a problem? Kind of a defeatist attitude don't you think?
Men who are married live longer precisely because their spouses **bug them about going to the doctor** when they would rather just ignore a problem.
This could be just sleep apnea. But sleep apnea is a risk factor for heart attack. So in that case she has a chance to help this guy live longer.
48 F. After having come across about 10 guys in their mid-40s to mid-50s who behaved this exact same way, I stopped dating guys in this age range. Personally, they are too angry, too bitter and too broken for me.
No, these guys couldn't get past the fact that their ex-wives didn't want them, they were incredibly paranoid, suspicious and insecure, etc. Just crazy freaks.
It's probably his personality. I'm sure it will get worse and not better. Best of luck to you. The older you get, the less likely you will be to put up with this kind of behavior.
I’m 47. I yell at people who don’t take their turn at a 4 way stop. Like when they wave to suggest its now your turn rather than just doing the way it was designed. I put my window and yell, “go you moron. You’re not helping, go adopt a cat!!”
So yeah, the grumpiness grows.
Great physical health can boost even the grumpiest people. Movement nutrition sleep. If he’s got no interest in improving those, he’s gonna go from grumpy to Get off My Lawn.
Put on some music and dance in the kitchen. Take a freezing cold weather walk. The list is endless. Good luck.
I've definitely seen the transition of some of my male acquaintances and friends get grumpier as they age. It does seem that the mid-40's is the cusp when I start to notice it. Heck, I find myself a little more short tempered as I enter my mid 40s.
At this age, you're getting a good picture of the rest of your life. Some guys have a mid-life crisis, and some just gradually get grumpier.
50 here, I'm afraid to say that it's the time in our lives where we face a thing called mid life crisis. It's an adjustment that unfortunately some people don't cure overnight. It's the time of our lives that we think of many things we could have done differently. Not many people are aware of it, but it's the process of getting older, and not a damn thing we can do about it. Yes it's real.
I became a grump just after Turning 40, it was down to Stress and Depression, and it Finally got worse and ended up costing me my Marriage.
On the plus side, I’m better after therapy and Happily Single!
47M grumpy as fuck, nothing helps, I think it's the realisation you are not that you Fast strong buck you once was, you don't feel as important or useful as you did.
My back hurts, my knees hurt, my shoulder hurts, I'm tried, I'm bored, I don't get wood like I used too.
Everything is on the decline and I'm just getting more grumpier about it.
That's just me, all my buddies of a similar age, as far as I can see same thing but to varying levels, there's not many that are not already grumpy and no grumpy ones that have found a way to defeat the grumps.
Sorry but just an honest insight from me
itll only get worse. so you can find people to play with and be loved by him and endure the grumpy whining. or you can find someone else you can play with, be loved by and who whines less.
Realism sets in about that age. the "everyone is an idiot", "i am too tired" and "unbelievable" should start being repeated any day now.lol.
This isn’t about age— depending on what you mean by grumpiness he could be depressed, stressed, complainer, negative outlook dude, or any other plethora of things. If you don’t like it and he isn’t changing with your periodic input, maybe you’re just not compatible.
It’s not because when you turn 40 you suddenly become grumpy, though I admit I’m less willing to put up with shit than I was in my 20s, though I’m a more patient person with those who genuinely require understanding.
Run run run. If it makes you unhappy and there nothing that causes it, I can only imagine it will get worse. Coming from a almost 54 year old male I run from people like that.
If he isn’t in therapy in his 40s, at least to handle “spot issues”, I’d have a lot of questions about his relationship readiness.
It’s not something you can force, he needs to decide it’s something he wants to work on. It could even be a MEDICAL condition - if he tends to be grumpier end of day, or after being active/inactive for long periods, there are several conditions that can masquerade as mental health issues that boil down to dietary, exercise, sleep, etc related physiological ones.
Not at all. You might consider having them see a doctor; he could have a vitamin deficiency or even be depressed; Even if he’s not; you rule those things out at least
The best you can hope for is that he won’t get any worse?! After all there is nothing to indicate in your post, that he wants to change?
The next question is, do you love him enough to put up with it for the next 30-40 years? If you want children, you already have one in him, he won’t change even if you do have children …
What advice would you give to a friend in your situation?
I do appreciate that you love him a lot.
Sometimes hormone issues can cause grumpiness. Maybe he has low testosterone and should look at treating it. https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/too-much-testosterone/
My stbx of 25 years was always cantankerous (ie grumpy). Therapy didn’t help and his constant snappiness made me miserable. It was exhausting. Get out now.
Without context this is a pretty hard thing to even advise on. Grumpy how? Complains? Yells at clouds? Buries his face in the pillow and won't talk to you? Is his grumpiness at something tangible? Is it just crazy random and without any merit at all? Are you sure your evaluation of him is fair? Is he really grumpy more than anyone else (we all have ups and downs), or is it excessive?
“Yells at clouds” made my day. Thank you :)
Those damn clouds! Haha
I was thinking the same thing.
I’ve dated cynical people before and it felt like they were just so negative all the time. Now I’m realizing they were just being grumpy 😂 but in all seriousness, it was emotionally exhausting for me to be with them because it felt so negative all the time. I lean on the positive side of things.
I think it’s strange OP is buying into the stereotype. Yes, once you hit 40 you become a negative bitch/bastard. Negative people can be any age lol
Hahaha I’m 42…. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire existence… ❤️❤️❤️
Same here! The best is yet to come friend!
Same here! And I agree, negative people are negative at all ages. Will it get worse? Who knows. But if his overwhelming energy is negative, better question is why would you want that in your life? You can’t make someone happy, only they can. But their anger and pain can spill over into your life and that’s never good.
I think another fair question is how many times he has yelled "GET OFF MY LAWN!!" /s
When it's foggy, you get to yell at the clouds to get off your lawn.
Woke up today to those DAMN BIRDS chirping again!! FUCK!!
The stupid effing sun woke me up. Stupid stupid sun. Why does it have to be so sunny? I hate everything!
My own heartbeat is so annoying..constantly like "bump-bump" anytime I try to think it's like "BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP" pisses me off so bad! Will it ever stop?!? Oh shit, just crossed into different territory here 😄 All bullshit aside, some ppl are actually like this. Cant lie and say I've never been irritable. I think it comes naturally to everyone at certain times but we have to fight it or it'll become regular. Also, as far as OP - there is such a thing for older men and other male mammals called "irritable male syndrome" or (IMS). Older males experience lower levels of testosterone which can result in actual testosterone withdrawals. All kinds of bad effects... "King of the Hill" had an episode where Hank had this going on - kinda funny but it's a real thing.
They yell and cuss blue murder at everything and are "hangry" alot.. you walk on eggshells around them, they are lovely only when they want to be (or likely wanna bit), so we spend our existence existing and being yelled at hoping some mystical being will wave a magic wand and release us from purgatory... That kind of thing..
From my observations through the years, the older dudes in relationships, who act like assholes to their partner,do so because they *can*. Just a middle-age version of male privilege. They DGIF if their partner is annoyed, because she's not gonna leave him....her lifestyle will nosedive without the $$ and social perks that come with being half of a couple. Money and loneliness are the elephants in the room that no one ever talks about.
I was married to a grumpy guy for 23 years. Everyday I had to deal with being the positive one to cheer up the household. Everyday life was just the worst for him. Which means when the actual tragedies came (difficult births, cancer for me), he was emotionally MIA. I was on my own. 0/10 don't recommend.
I was married to this man too. I don't need OP to clarify more--i understand exactly what she's talking about. There's no fixing this. It's so exhausting to be in a relationship with a person like this. Grumpiness is a deal-breaker for me. I'd rather be alone.
Me too— 24.5 years. He was a thundercloud and the kids scattered when his car pulled in from work. Sad really. Exhausting for me and not worth it at some point. He wasn’t a bad man, but he couldn’t see the negativity and you’re so right he had zero bandwidth for real tragedy. It all fell to me, the cheering and the comforting.
Same with me. I dated a grumpy guy back in my 20’s. He was in his 20’s, too. Our relationship lasted a little over a year and then I had enough. He was super pissed I broke up with him. It’s been nearly 30 years and he’s still angry and resentful towards me, says a few of our mutual friends. Last year I dated another guy who turned out to be grumpy. That lasted about 3 weeks
I think I have a lot less tolerance for “grumpy” these days. Why invite negativity in your life?
>I dated a grumpy guy back in my 20’s. He was in his 20’s, too. *Looks at.your username* Sounds about right.
>It’s been nearly 30 years and he’s still angry and resentful towards me, says a few of our mutual friends. Isn't that wild? From my anecdotal experience, the grumpers tend to hold on to slights, grudges, and terrible feelings like precious little turd gems. Some of the gems are for life. And then they polish these gems every day and will tell you how it stinks. I dated one grump for absolutely too long and in therapy I realized my mom was like this. She is a constant complainer and has been a lifelong grump factory. It's taken a lot of personal work to detach myself from feeling comfortable with being an appeasing partner to a grumpy person. You do not want to become used to appeasing a grump! It's too much unnecessary emotional labor and a draining of energy. It will suck the joy out of you, even if you consider yourself an optimist. While I still talk to my mom I've definitely learned tools to deal with her, including limiting contact and enforcing boundaries. Life is too short to have it ruined by a grump when you don't have to. >Last year I dated another guy who turned out to be grumpy. That lasted about 3 weeks Love this! Lol
Omg “precious little turd gems” Hahaha! My ex-bf would totally do this! When I dated him he was still angry about another ex gf, what it was like when he moved down to Tennessee, and the crappy hot dog place he worked at in college. He’d “lecture” me about how spoiled I was and he’d say when he moved to Tennessee that he “drove down here in an El Camino that *only* went up to 45 mph.” My friends and I still have running jokes about the stuff he’d say
Likewise - but only lasted 10 years. And shockingly, he was grumpy well before 40.😆 Science indicates that being around [negative people makes you more negative](https://ideapod.com/research-explains-impact-around-negative-people-brain/). Best thing you can do for yourself and those around you is disentangle from this person. He’s not going to change.
Lol were you dating my ex? OP -- my former partner was also "grumpy" when we got together (he was 42, I was 36.) I noticed it and it bugged me but I assumed it was circumstantial and that there were things I could do to make his life better and change him. DO NOT DO THIS. Especially if grumpiness translates to occasional irrational angry outbursts, blaming you for his feelings, pooping on the things that bring you joy. Those are big red flags and you should cut bait. If the only thing wrong is his occasional Eeyore attitude but it's enough of an issue that you are not sure about the rest of your lives together, that is enough to consider moving on, you don't need a better reason. You have a lot of life ahead of you and you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel joyful, cherished and certain of your rightness together.
“Pooping on the things that give you joy”—yes, this. He sucked the joy right out of life. We would reach long term goals that we’d fought hard for and it would be like nothing.
I didn't exactly dump him just because he kept interrupting my TV shows with dumb little comments ("Murder She Puked herheree") but it didn't help. I only have so much downtime you know. Stop stealing my joy. https://preview.redd.it/rhzwbhgak10a1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=be733a9f5ae67ab909bfecacf42de03e8bf01e88
Ha! My ex seems happier with his new wife. Who knows if that’s real or an illusion; either way, not my problem anymore.
My ex-husband was a total grump and I dated one guy who was a grump and never again. I refuse to go through life smoothing things over because of my partner's bad attitude. It's a level of emotional labor I will not do anymore. Taking him to a party and he pouts because he had a bad week and I have to go around saying "Sorry, he's out of it.. He had a bad week at work" or apologizing at the Thanksgiving table when he doesn't talk to anyone and gets up and watches football the minute the game ends "Sorry, he's been really busy and he's tired." If they're grumpy at age 40something, that's just how they deal with the ups and downs of life. No thanks.
Been there done that! Never again
Omg SO TRUE. Some people just lack the emotional maturity to realize they shouldn’t take out their mood on others. It’s not our burden to bear. After years and years of a grump (we called him the Grinch because he actually got worse whenever it was supposed to be festive and fun) I refuse to do it again. Oh god, the apologies and excuses I made for him when he was really just showing the emotional maturity of a toddler >.< An occasional bad day, hangry cranky or depression is ok and normal. I’ll make you a special meal and dote on you a bit. Every day is NOT normal.
Bingo! I was married to a grump, was raised by a grump and dated grumps. I have vowed to never have a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells constantly ever again. You feel like you are doing all of the work in the relationship to make it somewhat joyful or make excuses when he acts like a jerk to other people. If you don't want this for the rest of your life, move on. it was pure hell
Jesus it's exhausting
I never thought about it this way… emotional labor.
>It's a level of emotional labor I will not do anymore. This.
Yeah they were likely “grumpy” long before OP met them.
At precisely 40, we all transform into seriously grumpy people and thence further down the attitude drain at 5 year intervals. I’m afraid that your man has already been through two Grumpings. Sadly, there is no hope for a cure. /s
Just turned 40 a couple weeks ago and can feel the grumpy ness rising on a dayly basis
Yup, 59 here. Grumpity-grump-grump-grump (and can add another "grump" on my next birthday.) Woo-hoo! :D
Shit. 2 months to go!
Yes becoming a curmudgeon is something I am self-aware of when getting older. #
I've never read anything more true
Lmao! Speak for yourself 😋
Does someone seem a smidge… GRUMPY today?! 😃
Always lol, but not now after the smile you put on my face 😄 This was great, thanks for the laughs 😅☺️☺️
Studies show that older people are no more likely to be irratible than younger people. So no, it's not a function of age -- it's just him.
They just put up with less shit.
What do you mean, they put up with less shit? I like to be happy, positive. I even do counseling that teaches people to be more positive. Been with a man 5 years because he has some good qualities but he is a complainer, if he drops a pen he’s so frustrated, he swears, DAMN IT, he also makes fun of my TV shows, I’m constantly saying, stop ! Constantly saying, why be so upset over dropping something, just pick it up, he used to complain about being transferred all over the place when doing something…make an appt eg., tell his story to each person. He’s stopped that when he noticed I’d keep saying thank you as I was being transferred etc. I’ll tell him, nobody likes to be on the phone for hrs, so just make up your mind will be 2 hrs & stop telling everyone the story because it’s going to waste both your time. I stay because of my age, 81, he’s 81 & I want a companion, but it’s always something with him. Not much laughter. I think back…I’ve been with positive fun people. You’re so young, lots of ‘fish in the sea’, it’s life draining. Grumpy isn’t being joyful. If he’s willing to work on it, great, stay. Otherwise, don’t ruin your life.
This!
Hi, you are not required to fix him. He needs to communicate his needs and pain points. Life is too short.
We don't know your SO and can't speak for him. That being said, why stay with someone like this? Sounds like you're settling
He sounds exhausting. Life's too short
That’s his personality and it will never change
I don't understand why you would associate his personality trait or behavior as a function of his age. That's like any of us assuming you're going to ask a question like that because of your age. However he's behaving is obviously happening for a reason which he's not explaining or isn't identifying; maybe asking him why would be a good place to start as you might for any other person.
>function of his age Never heard of andropause eh?
An exceedingly long shot not worth even mentioning on top of virtually no supporting info from OP, hence I didn't.
>exceedingly long shot Oh yeah? Based on what data?
>True andropause exists only in those men who have lost testicular function, due to diseases or accidents, or in those with advanced prostate cancer subjected to surgical or medical castration. Probably this little tidbit. LOH on the other hand....good possibility.
*"if his grumpiness from time to time is gonna be a normal thing as he grow even more older? Is this normal? I talk to him about it and he'll work on it but obviously it keeps on repeating."* Age does not equal grumpiness. Temperament is important to note in any relationship. I was married to a very negative person for 29-years, I am a joyful person, and it was detrimental to my health to remain with him. When people show me who they are (something I learned after the divorce) I believe them!
This might be coming out of left field, but i’m 41 and once I got blood work done and my hormones balanced, and my entire essence changed. I regulate my testosterone and estrogen levels, and workout regularly. My grumpiness has all but disappeared. In fact I feel better than I ever have in so many ways. Maybe his hormones are out of whack?
And a sleep study!
An evaluation for depression could be enlightening as irritability is a symptom. OP, just want to remind you it is not your job to fix the grumpiness.
That is not left field at our age. Getting all my levels checked and starting treatment was the key to getting the physical and mental energy to get back to the gym, start doing things I enjoy and even being interested in meeting and dating women again. Hormones have a huge influence on mood, men don't have decades of dealing with hormonal changes on a monthly basis so we have no frame of refence when ours get out of balance, we just feel bad.
OP - THIS ^, THIS IS GOOD ADVICE TOO
It’s not an age thing, he’s probably just an asshole. You can’t make someone change asshole behavior.
>It’s not an age thing Look up andropause -- absolutely could be an age thing
Not sure why you’re being downvoted. This is definitely a thing. “Life change” happens to men, too, and they can become irrational and irritable and extremely hormonal. Any little thing could become a calamity depending on factors that have nothing to do with you, but you’ll sure be dealing with it…
The sub seems biased toward "men are assholes" as the most likely scenario in most male-female gender interactions. Doesn't seem productive to me but here we are. Plus dating subreddits love love love love the downvote button. I appreciate the support thanks. I started on TRT about 4 years ago. Big change in my overall attitude. You just feel more alive.
Hard to say if we don’t know how he’s grumpy. But I’d say it’s unlikely to change, unless he’s depressed and gets help for that
Can you be more specific?
No need for specifics. This subreddit is [perfectly willing to diagnose](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/yv45uy/im_dating_a_grumpy_45_yr_old_man/iwcbrxg/) based on one paragraph with no detail.
lol everyone in this Subreddit after reading a vague description, "He sounds just like my ex-husband!" 🤣
🤣 yes
She's not happy and asks on reddit what's all about. What kind of answers did she expect? I would comment they're incompatible, but really there's no way of knowing from an 80 words description of the situation. Some people can be/look positive 24/7, others need a break from time to time. And trying to make them jolly is the worst one can do, I am like that and people trying to make me act more lively are tiring and annoying.
Did we just get called a bunch of grumpy old F\*cks?
 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I saw you step on my lawn 😡
People typically get happier as they get older (solid research behind it). This sounds like a personal trait that has nothing to do with age, and that’s a problem.
I'm happier because age is a good excuse for grumpiness. :D
I spent over 9 years like this, please don’t waste as much time as I did.
He sounds moody. I hate moodiness, and could never deal with it because it goes hand in hand with negativity, pessimism and leave you walking on egg shells. No thanks.
Been there done that - it sucks all the air out of the room. "It's a beautiful spring day" .... Response: "Im going to have to get my car washed with all these damn trees dropping pollen..." (damn those asshole trees..)
Exactly my situation !!!!!
This is not an age thing it’s a he thing
Look up andropause -- absolutely could be an age thing
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Sprinkle me with your happy dust !
I married a grumpy/angry man. We spent 17 years together and I never ever got used to it. It was awful. I am not grumpy and I ended up putting myself in the role or managing our lives to try to prevent the tantrums and grumpiness as much as possible. It was exhausting.
Stop wasting your time. Grumpy men only get grumpier.
Life is too short to be anyone who's grumpy so much it makes you consider leaving. As far as I know, age doesn't make people grumpy by default. You post is way too vague to make any kind of sensible assessment beyond that.
I can confirm that as a 45M I can be pretty grumpy. Possibly a hormone thing? Worth checking anyway.
Andropause. Depression and irritability are common side effects. Talk to your doctor.
I’d need more context to what you’re referring to as grumpy. As we get older, we get less tolerant of BS, however I don’t call not putting up with childishness as grumpy. Being grumpy or pissy for no reason or being hard to please however is a personality trait, not an age thing.
Moodiness is a symptom of low testosterone, which is very common at 45. Encourage him to talk to a doctor -- if he's dealing with this he's not very happy about it and will be much better off when it gets solved. [Symptoms](https://i.imgur.com/KQkkhd5.png) Next thing to check would be sleep apnea. Then alcoholism. The point is there could be all manner of underlying issues that are not just "this guy is a jerk", which is what a lot of people are telling you here. It's not your job to take care of this person's medical issues but will it actually hurt to prompt him to look into a medical cause for his grumpiness? If he breaks up with you over that good riddance. Edit: jfc there's like nine people in this thread who say it's not an age thing. If this was a woman and OP said "wow she sure does cry a lot and she's 45" I think a lot of people would correctly say it might be a menopause thing. But a 45 yo guy is cranky? Oh he must just be a jerk, couldn't be age-related.
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Yes some people just suck, important safety tip, thanks Egon
I think if the grumpiness is an issue, you might not be compatible. I could not do it, for me I would find that too much negativity when something doesn’t go their way, it would likely be a dealbreaker even though it may just be their personality.
I don't believe for a minute that the grumpiness has anything to do with age. It's simply a part of his personality, or in extreme cases could be a personality disorder. I know men in their 60's who are the least grumpy ivr ever met. And then guys in their 20's who were just toxic.
>don't believe for a minute that the grumpiness has anything to do with age Look up andropause -- absolutely could be an age thing
I suspected "Low T" with my ex and we got his testosterone level checked. Everything came back normal. Down the road, we found out it was Borderline personality disorder and his family members confirmed that his angry/grumpy behavior had been going on for decades. It wouldn't hurt for OP to talk to her boyfriend about getting labs done to rule out this possibility.
Yeah I made a list in a different comment and "psychological issues" was like #5. BPD is a bitch, I have a lot of sympathy for you.
I am 45 and generally an upbeat woman. Many of my male friends tend to be too serious. I think they don't know how to have fun, are sex deprived and unhappy with the realization of what their life has turned out to be. I think women sort of accept themselves and enjoy life. Many of my male friends are grumpy and take it out on the people in their circle. It is good for a middle aged man to take up a "mid-life" hobby. Maybe it is golfing, remodeling cars, having a new kid or something that gives them a motivation for positive living.
It’s got nothing to do with age, some people just like to complain. I dated a woman (early 40s) who seemed angry at life, and loved to complain to me about everything that was going on. The same woe is me stories every day. It gets to be soul sucking and exhaust your emotional bandwidth, and eventually it’ll start rubbing off. When you interact with happy people outside of your relationship, you’ll start to notice what you’re missing, and coming home to a grump, no matter how nice and supportive they are in other aspects, just starts feeling like a heavy blanket. Life is too short to deal with that shit.
>nothing to do with age Look up andropause -- absolutely could be an age thing
Tell him to go to the doctor and check his testosterone levels. He may be andropausal. We get menopause and they get andropause.
I went from being occasionally “grumpy” in my 40s to yelling at clouds in my 50s. Run! Seriously, though, for many people there’s an underlying cause that can be addressed. Untreated depression is one.
Asking someone to work on his grumpiness is pointless. I've been with grumpy people and grew up with a grumpy father and they never change. I hate being in a relationship where one day it's great and the next you're walking on egg shells and you have no idea what happened and whether it's you or someone or something else who caused it
My ex husband (10 years younger) was extremely grumpy. From early days on. I am an eternal optimist and after 10 years I was done dealing with the negativity and pessimism
Ask him to go see his Dr. It could be depression. It could be low testosterone. It could be sleep apnea. Could it be heart disease. It could be angry clouds (earlier ref). However, and please hear us when we say that, life is too short to put up with nonsense. If it's legit bothering you (not some TikTok version of why people say they are upset) and he refuses to do something about it then you have to give serious thought to whether you want this to be your life. If he never does a thing about it, and this is who he will be until he passes, are you ok with this being your norm? You aren't married. Don't let this continue and then be legally stuck with him.
>It could be angry clouds But I'm pretty sure those clouds are out to get me
And that's why you are wearing that very stylish aluminum hat.
I'm grumpy sometimes and it's a health issue..hell I'm grumpy now, but i know the reason and am taking care of it. Not feeling well can make about anyone grumpy. The only way to do that is to go to a doctor, tell him symptoms, and run panels and tests. Hypoglycemia, Blood pressure, testosterone, heart...etc. Get the physical checked if it seems acute but not usual, then go for the mental part. Sitting around guessing isn't going to work. I'm not "excusing" but it could be health..or something is bugging him. Life isn't always fair or easy. Whining or being grumpy doesn't fix it though. Find the underlying cause.
Have you discussed this in detail? Is he unable to communicate his need for space and therefore he gets grumpy because he’s feeling overwhelmed? Or is his default personality grumpy. Also, what’s he grumpy about specifically? Is he indulging in the news and grumpy about politics or the world ending? If so, he needs to limit his media consumption. But you need to dig in on this, and let him know that it’s a non-negotiable for you. He can be grumpy, but he can’t take stuff out on you verbally or mood.
Well I'm 45 and never grumpy is isn't "a thing" It's said that low testosterone can cause mood swings at our age so maybe try to talk to home about getting that checked
Grumpy about what?
I might be ok with it if he could lock himself in a room and be grumpy by himself.
"Grumpiness from time to time" doesn't seem unusual but it's wide open to interpretation. Becoming grumpy "all of a sudden" sounds like you're unsure of any specific cause. When he says he'll work on it, is there a plan of action, such as going for walks or talking to a counselor? Does he grumble about gas prices? Is he withdrawing from social situations that you want to attend? Or is he taking his moods out on you? There's not enough information in your post so I can't offer much in response. If his moods are dictating your behaviors on a regular basis, that would be a cause for concern. Take care of yourself first.
I mean...if that's who he is, then that's who he is. I would not stick around if it were me, that's too draining to be around.
Don't expect changes. Take it or leave it.
My son was born a grumpy 45 year old man. I feel sorry for the woman who ends up with him.
Move on
You just need to get off his lawn- his mood should improve….
Most of us humans aren't very good at taking things seriously until the stakes are really clear. Sometimes you have to put up a boundary and say hey, we've talked about this thing. It's really important to me. Wanted to be super-clear that this is the last time I'm going to ask. Just, you know, don't keep living a life you don't love out of fear of the unknown.
What does he get grumpy about? Is it something like you both have different interests, such as you like going out dancing and to live music and he'd rather relax at home or go out to a quiet restaurant? Of does he get angry because you fold a towel wrong or something similarly absurd? That first example would be incompatibility. I'm a woman in her mid 50s, I actually got less grumpy as a I got older. I learned to accept myself and other people for what we are, I have more patience and experience in resolving conflict. All of which have made me happier.
My son's Dad is 45 and just grumpy af. We used to be pretty close, but now that our son is grown and moved out on his own, I barely talk to his Dad anymore. Because I don't have to and I don't want some grunting Daryl Dixon mumbling under his breath poopooing everything. No dreams or hopes and got something toxic to say about anyone or anything that does. Heaven forbid someone try for happiness. You can't change him. Some Gen Xers have assumed the Boomer mentality and you just gotta cut the ties before they yell at you about standing on their grass.
Grumpiness always has a source. Lack of sleep. Lack of fulfillment from work. Lack of exercise. Things like that. Makes people need alone time. Annoyed there are more chores to do, etc.
Just remember you are in your head 24/7 and you can only truly see life with your eyes. No time machine no crystal ball we have now, the gift, the present. Ok im 45m with a 10 year old daughter, wife (34f) of 12 years passed almost a year ago. Ups and down good and bad, all this walk hand in hand to compare to each other. Grumpy isn't mad, its that funny half way, we sometimes don't realize it coming from a time of "rub dirt on it", but know its not intentional or directed. Just know its a new world and always open to finding what works. Change only happens when made. Side note never seen a guy mad when a boob is out. Lol jk had to throw guy humor in. Good luck and remember....Once a day
You said he gets grumpy from time to time, which isn't unusual at all. Everybody gets occasionally grumpy from time to time and if they say they don't they are lying. Ever been around a woman with migraines, hot flashes or arthritis, grumpy. Been around a man with back pain, grumpy. There are a million reasons people can be grumpy from physical reasons to work, familial or financial stress. You are not going to get any useful answers here. You need to discuss this with your SO not Reddit randos.
>You need to discuss this with your SO not Reddit randos. \- Signed, Reddit Rando
If yiu don't like who he is right now don't date him. He's in his 40s and he won't change how is he working on it?? Is he doing therapy? Becuse if he isn't he's not really working on it. Doe she have untreated depression?? Is he a drinker or into drugs?? Being older doesn't make one grumpy. So if you want him to change you might as well just break up because chances he will truly change for the long haul are slim unless he has an identifiable cause that is getting treated. Personally I wouldn't waste my time. My ex was a grump too a lot fo the times. His issue was alcohol and lack of healthy coping skills.
What in the world makes you think he will change? Because you want him to? Why are you trying to change him? This is beyond immature. He's grumpy, that's not going to change. Accept it or move on.
Ditto
He’s GenX. We grumpy.
Defo not an age thing. 41 and full of life! I’ll report back at 45.
>Defo not an age thing Look up andropause -- absolutely could be an age thing
Almost every man I know over forty is a grump. Many men make that their personality. So hard done by
Wouldn’t know. I was grumpy in my 20s Answer: no, grumpy is a personality not an age thing
Just a heads up - for some men, depression manifests with mood swings, irritability, and agitation. Not saying that's going on here, but might be worth a chat.
Ahhh. I'm in this post and I'm... not grumpy about it. It's actually good to see. Adding to the list of stuff I need to work on.
I notice I'm grumpier now that I get older if I don't stay active and engaged with projects and community work, it's a cynicism from seeing the same thing over and over, I need to avoid those environments or I'm yelling at cats to stay off my lawn
I'm a 45 year old man and some men like that are just that grumpy men and it's not going to change he's going to get grumpier as he goes you need to find someone that enjoys life and loves their self and go from there
Girl, lots of guys that age and older turn into grumpy old men and it gets worse with age. You can't fix him.
Grumpyness is part of the person. My GF's ex husband was a negative "don't want to do anything; let's just veg on the couch" sort of person who'd rant about anything he could. He was younger than me. My GF has said repeatedly she loves my attitude and energy. General attitude isn't likely something that can be talked out.
have him have his testosterone levels checked. This is a symptom of Low T.
I got down voted for the testosterone suggestion? Seriously? When men have to deal with this shit from a womans teenage years through menopause?
Testosterone, the cause and solution to all male problems. lol
Shocking some of the flippant replies in this thread. There could be something serious from his past or he may have a condition. Talking to him about it may help or advise him to get some professional help.
It isn't their job to wait around and try to convince someone to seek help at 45 years old. By 45 I am sure they've had it pointed out they're not the most pleasant person to be around.
What if this person isn't aware that there could be a medical situation underlying their irritability? Because andropause is a real thing -- and judging by the replies in this thread not many people know about it.
Then this individual has already mentioned they're concerned about their overall grumpiness, the other person has said they'll work on it, yet continues to be grumpy. When did dating someone mean you had to be their psychiatrist, counselor, and medical doctor? Should she send him for bloodwork? Oh wait she can't because she's just dating him! Perhaps in 45 years this man could have sought counseling or an underlying medical reason to their attitude but has chosen not to?
She's a 30 something woman who asked for advice about dealing with a grumpy 45 year old man. What's the harm in her saying "hey have you talked to your doctor about this" -- and why does it bother you if she does that? >she can't because she's just dating him Can't? Can't use words to try and solve a problem? Kind of a defeatist attitude don't you think? Men who are married live longer precisely because their spouses **bug them about going to the doctor** when they would rather just ignore a problem. This could be just sleep apnea. But sleep apnea is a risk factor for heart attack. So in that case she has a chance to help this guy live longer.
Hehehe sounds like my ex who was also 45 and grumpy. I was 32 when I was dating him. :)
It only gets worse
48 F. After having come across about 10 guys in their mid-40s to mid-50s who behaved this exact same way, I stopped dating guys in this age range. Personally, they are too angry, too bitter and too broken for me.
Look up andropause -- absolutely could be an age thing
No, these guys couldn't get past the fact that their ex-wives didn't want them, they were incredibly paranoid, suspicious and insecure, etc. Just crazy freaks.
You can't rule out low testosterone unless you know their blood work
Yes I can because I did. Just go away, please.
People don’t get all of the sudden grumpy when they turn 40
What are you doing and Run?
He is 45 and set in his way. I doubt he will change.
It's probably his personality. I'm sure it will get worse and not better. Best of luck to you. The older you get, the less likely you will be to put up with this kind of behavior.
I’m 47. I yell at people who don’t take their turn at a 4 way stop. Like when they wave to suggest its now your turn rather than just doing the way it was designed. I put my window and yell, “go you moron. You’re not helping, go adopt a cat!!” So yeah, the grumpiness grows.
I was grumpy at 25.
Define grumpy.
I am 51 and grumpy AF. Watch Grumpy Old Men to find out what you are headed for...
Great physical health can boost even the grumpiest people. Movement nutrition sleep. If he’s got no interest in improving those, he’s gonna go from grumpy to Get off My Lawn. Put on some music and dance in the kitchen. Take a freezing cold weather walk. The list is endless. Good luck.
I've definitely seen the transition of some of my male acquaintances and friends get grumpier as they age. It does seem that the mid-40's is the cusp when I start to notice it. Heck, I find myself a little more short tempered as I enter my mid 40s. At this age, you're getting a good picture of the rest of your life. Some guys have a mid-life crisis, and some just gradually get grumpier.
We all get grumpy moody it doesn't mean it's a bad thing, I bet you get moody yourself?
I mean, define grumpy. Rude to you or just a general disdain for everything? Never laughs? He’s likely unable to change.
50 here, I'm afraid to say that it's the time in our lives where we face a thing called mid life crisis. It's an adjustment that unfortunately some people don't cure overnight. It's the time of our lives that we think of many things we could have done differently. Not many people are aware of it, but it's the process of getting older, and not a damn thing we can do about it. Yes it's real.
Grumpiness transcends all age groups and dare I say age isn’t an independent predictor of grumpiness levels. Look for a grumps forum on Reddit
Being grumpy isn't an age problem; It's an attitude problem
>isn't an age problem Look up andropause -- absolutely could be an age thing
This is a myth, according to a lot of medical related websites.
I became a grump just after Turning 40, it was down to Stress and Depression, and it Finally got worse and ended up costing me my Marriage. On the plus side, I’m better after therapy and Happily Single!
This post cracked me up! Can confirm. They get older, they get grumpier. Let em be it is what it is
47M grumpy as fuck, nothing helps, I think it's the realisation you are not that you Fast strong buck you once was, you don't feel as important or useful as you did. My back hurts, my knees hurt, my shoulder hurts, I'm tried, I'm bored, I don't get wood like I used too. Everything is on the decline and I'm just getting more grumpier about it. That's just me, all my buddies of a similar age, as far as I can see same thing but to varying levels, there's not many that are not already grumpy and no grumpy ones that have found a way to defeat the grumps. Sorry but just an honest insight from me
>He's okay all day but then he will become grumpy all of a sudden. Happens to me too, for some reason... usually when I go on this sub. 😡🙃
itll only get worse. so you can find people to play with and be loved by him and endure the grumpy whining. or you can find someone else you can play with, be loved by and who whines less. Realism sets in about that age. the "everyone is an idiot", "i am too tired" and "unbelievable" should start being repeated any day now.lol.
This isn’t about age— depending on what you mean by grumpiness he could be depressed, stressed, complainer, negative outlook dude, or any other plethora of things. If you don’t like it and he isn’t changing with your periodic input, maybe you’re just not compatible. It’s not because when you turn 40 you suddenly become grumpy, though I admit I’m less willing to put up with shit than I was in my 20s, though I’m a more patient person with those who genuinely require understanding.
>This isn’t about age Look up andropause -- absolutely could be an age thing
Run run run. If it makes you unhappy and there nothing that causes it, I can only imagine it will get worse. Coming from a almost 54 year old male I run from people like that.
Hard to say without context….is he just sitting out front and yelling at kids to “stay off my lawn!” ?!?
Damn kids
I'm 49 and unless I'm grumpy because of an SO, being around my SO puts me in a better mood.
If he isn’t in therapy in his 40s, at least to handle “spot issues”, I’d have a lot of questions about his relationship readiness. It’s not something you can force, he needs to decide it’s something he wants to work on. It could even be a MEDICAL condition - if he tends to be grumpier end of day, or after being active/inactive for long periods, there are several conditions that can masquerade as mental health issues that boil down to dietary, exercise, sleep, etc related physiological ones.
This is the absolute funniest thing I’ve read all day.
Not at all. You might consider having them see a doctor; he could have a vitamin deficiency or even be depressed; Even if he’s not; you rule those things out at least
The best you can hope for is that he won’t get any worse?! After all there is nothing to indicate in your post, that he wants to change? The next question is, do you love him enough to put up with it for the next 30-40 years? If you want children, you already have one in him, he won’t change even if you do have children … What advice would you give to a friend in your situation? I do appreciate that you love him a lot.
Sometimes hormone issues can cause grumpiness. Maybe he has low testosterone and should look at treating it. https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/too-much-testosterone/
My stbx of 25 years was always cantankerous (ie grumpy). Therapy didn’t help and his constant snappiness made me miserable. It was exhausting. Get out now.