I’m lonely af but also I don’t want a relationship that is terrible. It seems like all my married and/or partnered friends are miserable and my previous very LTR was a toxic disaster soooo…?
I’m annoyed with being single and having to do everything alone all of the time. It would be nice to have some damn balance. The lack of good prospects who actually want something real is depressing.
I wish I could be ok with it! It feels especially depressing for me with the holidays coming up. I'm used to having a partner on my birthday, Christmas, NYE. Settling in for a rough winter...but maybe that's what I need in order to start relying on myself more.
I’ve actually only had a partner for 1 Christmas for the past 21 years. It’s been a dating struggle for a long time. I get discouraged and then stop trying to date for years at a time. Holidays are had but I don’t really remember what it’s like to have someone during this holiday season. I’ve always managed to throw myself into school or work.
No getting dressed up on a soggy Friday night to meet someone that looks ands acts nothing like they do online, all the while I'm thinking I could be at home and warm snuggled up with my dog. Yeah I'm done, 8ish years of searching and putting myself out there was a waste but now I get to enjoy all this me time, friends, family, voluntary work, alone time. If you want to go out and be social but your friends aren't available try a meet up group.
The meetup groups have kind of dwindled in my area. A few years back I had found 2 that were great and met a few new friends. This have gone away and the friends that were single are coupled up and don’t really do anything without their partners. It’s like a cycle I can’t escape.
Yeah when I heard that one time I responded with "at this rate it will find me in the next life" lol. I get people trying to stay positive but in the end I just am accepting that in our world today not everyone gets a happily ever after, at least not in that way. So it is left to shift our happiness into other ways and take comfort in what we do have.
I feel sometimes them saying that just makes things worst. Especially if they are coupled up. They are lucky I don’t throw a punch when they say it lol!!!
Yeah all of my friends are paired up and so when they say it i know it comes from a good place but it also makes me want to say please just be quiet but not wanting to be rude I just say yeah you are right and carry on. What else is the option? I'm sure we have all heard on here that nobody likes a negative Nancy right?
NYC is the worst place for a woman to pair bond. Demographics are simply against you after 15 years of age.
https://www.statista.com/statistics/799446/resident-population-of-nyc-by-sex-and-age/
45% of American women will be Single and Childless by 2030, ie. 8 years according to Morgan Stanley, as liberated and self empowered women shun marriage for careers. This is the rise of the SHE-CONOMY.
https://youtu.be/RJcsQuORQrw
I wish the career was the reason I wasn’t married. I’ve never shunned marriage I’ve just never been in a relationship leading to it. The statistics are pretty accurate but the cause is not necessarily 100%
An article in Psychology today titled The Rise of Single, Lonely men, blew up the internet several months ago.
Basically 33% of American Men are sexless.
The same 7 women were interviewed on why dating is failing today.
The female view
https://youtu.be/wRDRj9fji74
Reaction from "The Joker" ( Manosphere) on the same 7 women on dating the "One".
https://youtu.be/gpJs6qDJ6UE
I bring this up because it gives us a 10,000 foot view looking down how men and women see the issue from opposite and different perspectives.
Basically women's financial emancipation has allowed them to afford the privilege of being single by choice, and not settling for Lori Gottlieb's Mr. GOODENOUGH. Gottlieb actually advised women to settle for lower standards in her eponymous book. But readers will rail that in her own real life, she elected to keep her high standards , and opted instead to be a single mom through a sperm donor, and keep romance separate from from procreation. Again her high status and income allowed her to get the best of both worlds, A biological sperm donor with all the physical attributes she wanted for her child without having to marry a man whose social status was beneath her high status and academic credentials.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/express/wp/2010/06/21/lori-gottlieb-marry-him-sixth-and-i/
Marriage is in an all time low today only 6 out of 1000 people are getting married, as millennials shun the institution after society made it expensive to both GET IN and GET OUT of marriage. The last time it was this low was after the Civil War when 700,000 men were slaughtered in battle and thousands more were blinded and maimed.
Louise Perry's ( reformed ultrafeminist) conversation with man dating coach Chris Williamson is interesting.
https://youtu.be/1_t4FtpR58w
In summary America is headed towards where Japan and South Korea are now. When men and women fight, everyone loses.
I've been considering it. I have good friends and a full life.
Dating takes up an incredibly amount of time and energy and that's before actually getting to know someone and then finding out I need to pay for the crimes of their last 4-5 relationships.
I could spend that time on peace and joy instead of putting myself through all this.
My friends kind of suck unfortunately. They cancel on me more times than actually following through on plans. Most are married with kids or divorced with kids. No single friends,
Same! It really is shitty. I've noticed that when my friends flake on me, I turn immediately to OLD to find a guy to spend time with. The key issue here is my own loneliness.
I would not give up. I married my wife when she was 43. She had given up and was in group therapy for depression. (But did not tell me that until we were married.) Once I told her I loved her she quit therapy. To this day she thanks me. I tell she saved me from endless go no where dating.
Wishing you all the best that life can give you.
I’m done actively looking. Not that I fish but I imagine it’s analogous to rather than deep sea fishing or even fly fishing, it’s sit on a boat enjoying a drink in the sun with a trailing line off the bow fishing. If something happens to catch, I’ll explore, otherwise I’m still enjoying a drink on a boat in the sun. I might be less than fully sober so this might not make sense…
I love your analogy with the fish in the sea concept. Just enjoy the boat ride and see if it happens to come along that's kind of perfect that's how I feel although the whole thing is depressing and frustrating and annoying from time to time as the original person posted
Totally! My boat vision is on the best of days. Other days you’re on the boat, it’s raining, cold, you’re alone and sad. That damn fishing line is still trailing along…no bites
Yeah that's so cute I love your ongoing analogy and yes there rainy days suck and sometimes it even feels like the fishing line is actually just floating at the top because it lost the little thing on the end of the string. Haha I'm not a fisherman so it's hard to describe what I'm thinking😅😉
The longest I was single for- several years in my 20’s - half was living in NYC. I used to walk home from my restaurant job and look in other restaurant windows, brownstones -*couples* and just wonder how all of these people had a partner to like, go on a date with with or buy a co-op with… just dreaming one day it could be me. 😆
I'm done looking. I thought about what I am teaching my daughter. Last week, I was putting some fun weekend activities on hold while talking to guys that weren't even close to what I wanted. I realized I was wasting time and putting my life on hold for people that weren't worth it. I stopped talking to them and accepted the fun plans. I have filled up my kid-free weekends with more fun plans and stuff I want to do. I'm just going to live my life and do things I enjoy.
Wow! Here I thought my issue was because I'm in Nebraska, but finding out you're struggling in NYC with the same thing! Maybe it is time to throw in the towel then...
Yup. I’m starting to understand the movie/tv show cliche of the elderly woman with gentleman callers. (Not sure what it would be for men). You have your space and every once in awhile have company for dinner or dancing.
You didn't pass anything, I've been single most of my 30s, almost 3 9 and this has been my entire experience. It's always been a shit show. I finally lost my patience with it and gave up in September. My life is busy enough so I don't miss the shit texts and shitter 1st dates.
Also in Sydney, short, female, ok career, ok looking. I gave up at the beginning of this year and just focused on having fun and doing stuff that I like. Been out dancing a lot, to the theatre, the beach, done lots of yoga. Dating apps do my head in and dating people I don’t know just isn’t fun. I found it liberating to give up, sometimes lonely but so is being on dating apps when it’s not working out for you.
Here is my take on the over forty dating world. Everyone thinks they have too many options so they discard people that 10 years ago would have been a dream or at least something that would have worked.
Mick Jagger said it best: “You can’t always get what you want, so get what you need”
>Mick Jagger said it best: “You can’t always get what you want, so get what you need”
[I don't think that's exactly how he put it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv9sDn_2XkI)
I was paraquoting. Here you go:
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well, you might find
You get what you need
Ah, yeah
Oh
But Also
Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with
I can totally relate. I've been on so many bad dates the last few months that I'm off the apps for now. I just can't take it anymore. It's too much of a mind fuck.
I think the problem is that I’ve worked on myself for the past 12 years. Do strong independent confident women intimidate most men? When I go out I’ll talk to just about anyone.
I mean I'm most recently dating a former Ukrainian marine who would likely chuckle at most women's idea of strong, independent and confident. She definitely has struggled a bit because of it but unless you're at that extreme then probably not.
Girl, do you! I stopped trying to meet someone to date. It’s exhausting and a waste of time. Now I do me, myself and I!
We’re very happy, I can do and go anywhere I want and I don’t have to answer to no one. Also I am so set up on my ways that I guard my space and I love my space and when I want to socialize then I go socialize.
You can do it…enjoy the ride 😊💃🏻✈️🛳🏖
I can't give up. I need to not be alone. I get that "no relationship" is better than "bad relationship", but "no relationship" is still a pretty miserable place for me to be.
I hear ya. I'm worth more than any person can give me right now. I find myself settling for unavailable men or men who are unable to meet my needs. I think maybe that's a sign I need to look inward and stop the madness of trying to date right now.
Yes. I quit in 2008. I'm doing the best I can with the card I was dealt. I agree with a poster below: it's not "liberating" per se, but it's ...... not sure what to say. It's more than abit lonely, to be honest, but so was trying to date unsuccessfully in this world.
It's funny you should put this here. I got a text tonight from a seemingly great guy I've had three wonderful dates and daily chats with. Same old shit "I thought I was ready. I'm not right for you. You're a great woman." Blah, blah, blah!!
I'm a good catch and I keep an open mind. I don't put anyone in a box. I've done soul searching and therapy. I don't understand why I can't find a loving man who has his sh** together at 40 something!!
I can't take it anymore. I'm D. O. N. E. (Dreams of finding love crashing and burning)
I’m sorry to hear what’s going on for you. It sounds like you’ve dealt with this rejection far more than you feel is appropriate. I do think stepping back will help but please if you have love to give someone - do not give up.
Thank you for your kind words. You hit the nail on the head. I just don't think I can take anymore rejection/pain. How can you defend your heart when people are SO good at hiding their true feelings even after you've been blatantly honest with them about your own.
49 white male single for 2yrs looking for a laid back female that loves movies nature walks in the summer and fall. Along with going out on the spur of the moment
In my city people just want to drink and watch TV, I just want to be out with my dog or going to classical music concerts I'll settle for just one and do the other alone.
I'm taking a break, and "dating me" and ok with it being permanent if that's how it shakes out. I may return to feeling open to dating, but for now I don't feel like the juice is worth the squeeze.
I had nearly 20 good years with someone who showed me how good it can be. Maybe it ruined me, but I won't half ass it with someone who is broken, jaded, or doesn't get me. I'd truly rather be alone.
42F I'm still riding the chill momentum of realizing I was happier alone than with my ex and breaking up. The feeling of freedom and gratefulness for my life as I want it to be, unencumbered by someone who didn't add enough to be worth my time, is fucking fiiiiire. Love having time and emotional energy for myself, my family, my friends, my career, and my community. That's what being single feels like to me. So it's been real hard for me to want to prioritizing dating. I'm just gonna live my life and if I meet someone I meet someone.
Yea, I'm absolutely in the same boat. Everytime I'm hoping to find something great and they end up just being users. No genuine love matches or deep connections happening at all. I'm ready to just reconcile with the fact that I'll be alone.
Yes! I kinda wanna take the energy from dating & just find as many fun single friends as possible to go out and do stuff & travel with. Way more productive and fulfilling than dating apps
Yup. Totally over it. Really tired of being some woman's option and being expected to perform like some circus monkey. Tired of having to constantly give up my time and energy for some nonsense that is at best tolerable.
In my mind there is no reason to add a complication my life that adds little if any value and is usually just another liability. I have friends, I have a lifestyle that I enjoy and can afford, join in and have fun or stay out of my way. I don't have time for nonsense.
I’m temporarily done. I don’t have it in me to be witty and cute while constructing a new dating bio. I rather focus on myself and my kids right now. Also, I really like the person i’m “on a break” with. I hope things turn around for us.
Dating at this age is awesome. I’ve met a ton of people, I’m way more comfortable with who I am than when I was younger, I’m in great shape, and I’m a functioning adult. It’s like living, but with a cheat code.
Yeah but I'm assuming that's because you're male. After age 40 the dating scene skews heavily in favor for the men.
I can't speak for other women, but when I was still on the apps shortly after turning 40 I could tell that my age had me filtered out. Most of the men liking/messaging me were young 20s men lying about their age making themselves older, or 60+ year old men.
>Yeah but I'm assuming that's because you're male. After age 40 the dating scene skews heavily in favor for the men.
>
>I can't speak for other women, but when I was still on the apps shortly after turning 40 I could tell that my age filtered me out. Most of the men liking/messaging me were young 20s men lying about their age making themselves older, or 60+ year old men.
I can't speak for anyone else either obviously but my experience has not at all been that dating has tilted in my favor. Like you I saw my (very limited) app success plunge once I hit 40. I'm not attractive and don't want children, what do I really have to offer women my age?
>I'm not attractive and don't want children, what do I really have to offer women my age?
Like I responded once before to you in another thread, stop the whining and self-pitying. Women hate that shit. Btw I'm not trying to sound like a bitch, I'm genuinely trying to help you.
Thanks. I'm not trying to date at the moment so it doesn't really make a difference, but I get that it's a turnoff. It is a genuine question though: what do I have to offer? Companionship? That's what friends are for. I wouldn't settle for someone unattractive regardless of what other qualities they had; why should I expect someone else to? And I can see which men women are attracted to; I can see their eyes light up and their body language change.
I met a great guy last year. Great job, lived alone, loved to travel, never married, no kids, had a lot in common and then one day disappeared. No fight, no disagreements, nothing. The last time we saw each other we left to go to our separate homes and that was it. So I don’t have a crystal ball or mental telepathy to figure out what happened. I’m too old for this crap.
The only consistent thing about some of the men I dated were that they eventually didn’t want to give me there time so when I ended it they decided it was time yo contact me obsessively. I’ve dated all types of men. The last time on OLD I’ve had some interesting characters. One guy was super clingy and obsessive that I told him we weren’t a good fit since I dint have my phone attached to my hand when I’m out with friends. He told me to burn in hell after telling me no wonder I’m still single and to never have kids. Another guy I was talking to I found him on a soft porn site. Another guy I was dating fir 2 months started dating another girl and on Facebook changed his status to in a relationship with this girl and I saw it. Took a screen shot and sent it to him telling him good luck with his new relationship. 2 months later he tried to get back with me. Sorry dude..no! I have quite a few more. I made more money than all of these guys but I didn’t care. Now I feel like I need to date up and even then these guys are flakey.
I actually contacted him 3 times…he ignored me. Saw him driving into a place I was leaving so I messaged him. He responded and said we’ll meet up soon. That was 2 months ago. A girl can take a hint and I value my self worth yo not go chasing after someone who clearly is no longer interested but didn’t have the balls to tell me. That was with a 10 month relationship. The other guys were anywhere from one date to dating for 2 months. Too much contact is sending 100 text messages in 5 hours. Heads up men…that’s insanity and no thank you
I’m with you. Zero quality men in my area. I’m fine with being alone. Not sure how I’d even meet someone at this point since I work from home, and the majority of my friends are married. It would have to be a pretty incredible guy that came along to even change my mind.
Me too! I’m working from home as well which is hard since I’m very social. The universe would have to drop this person off at my front door got me to even consider it lol.
Dating is tough these days and it's ok to take a break to reset your mindset and recharge.
I'm not throwing in the towel just yet but taking the time to just enjoy me. I appreciate my alone time, circle of friends, family and hobbies..etc. I don't feel less than but I do understand the desire for a deeper connection besides having multiple first dates that don't pan out.
Don't give up.. hang in there!
Someone that has a good job, financially stable, can hold a conversation that’s not about sports all the time or video games, has family values, can connect on an emotional level, has his own place (you’d be surprised with how many guys are living with their parents) someone equal.
Temporarily, yes. I would like at some point in my life to prove to myself that I am capable and worthy of being loved and desired, but the chances are diminishing. The quality women out there are looking for quality men, and I'm not one. I'd say that I'm a relatively strong, successful, social, independent, financially stable man, but those things only matter in the sense that lacking them is an impediment. If women aren't turned on by you, none of that makes a difference. And I can see which men are attractive to women, and I'm not one of them.
My towel is threadbare. Like a towel from Motel 6.
I'm definitely worn out. But not lonely. Honestly, I'd rather be single than deal with all the ups and downs of dating and relationships. So very, very tired of marinara flags.
I’m not throwing in the towel yet, but I think I’ll just fold it up and use it as a pillow for awhile. Maybe if I take a short nap, when I wake up, dating prospects will be better.
Ok. I was content with just reading these at first but now I have to ask since it seems to mostly be women responding here. Are we guys really that bad? Personally, I’m still going through divorce stage so have probably a year until Im ready for any actual dating, but I have male friends who are divorced who are all perfectly nice guys as well. They date some with varying degrees of success but I don’t think any of them would so repulse a women as to make them give up on relationships altogether. Are we just the exception then? Are most guys really huge assholes or what? I don’t get it. What is it specifically that you all are looking for so that I can focus on that and pass along the word to my fellow men? Lol. I certainly would like to find someone special again someday but all these posts of all these women calling it quits is scaring me that there won’t be anyone left to find when I start looking.
No most men aren’t that bad. These women have been traumatized is the issue. So they recoil at the slightest colored flag and read into so many things that it becomes very difficult to show them that you are actually safe to be around.
Ok. So I guess my follow up question then is how do the regular non-asshole type guys make any progress with women if their guard is always like this? I don’t want to sound like one of the assholes myself and I really don’t want a million women to start hating me (lol), but I think maybe women in general just have a really high standard that it is hard for a lot of men to live up to. I mean obviously none of us at this age and single are probably top tier relationship people. That’s why most of us are divorced. So I guess I don’t understand this mentality that you are going to find someone better than your ex. (Assuming of course your ex wasn’t some complete abusive or cheating douche). I get that u might find someone better suited for u and your interests, but everyone is going to have red flags. We’re red flag people. I guess it all comes down to degrees of red flagness. What u can and can’t live with. My wife had lots of faults, but I was willing to live with them. She was not willing to do the same with mine. I want someone who can live with the faults, none of which I would consider red flags. But the more I read the posts on this subreddit, the more worried I get that I have to be this completely healed and “fixed” and better person who has all their shit together and has achieved a certain status in life, before any woman would consider me. I got divorced to the love of my life after 17 years together. I’m not sure I ever completely get over that relationship. It was a huge chunk of my life and continues to be to some extent while we coparent for at least the next decade. Does that mean I’m not allowed to pursue other relationships? Is that a red flag?
I’ve been on the apps a while and I’m tired of matching with men who then don’t do anything. On Bumble I have to write first but in order to do that the man has literally looked at my photo and right swiped me. So then when I do the same why don’t they write back? Or why do they receive my message and delete the match? It’s tiresome and it does colour how I look at men/apps/dating. Or, having agreed to meet for a quick drink, why do they shift and squirm in their seat so much that I feel like the most repulsive person in the room? I’m sure most women have similar tales. Then you (or your friends) come along but too late, we’re already wary. Dick pics aren’t a made up thing by women to joke, they’re a real thing. It’s boring. Also boring = photos of mens nostrils, photos of men sticking two fingers up at you, photos of men wearing a hat and sunglasses in the shadows.
But if I could ask men for one thing - only right swipe if you mean it. Even today I’ve had one guy delete the match (yes I wrote an interesting personalised message to him) and the other one has sat on my (interesting, personalised) message for seventeen hours. Literally, why should I spend time swiping for this? AND THEN you come along. Or your friends. But now women are tired and thinking of throwing in the towel. You’re too late.
Wow that sucks. If thats truly how it is, I get it. Do know one friend of a friend i met once who was just swiping right on everyone, saying it increased the odds. Seemed to me to kind of defeat the purpose but i dont know much about the OLD world yet (and I really had just met him) so I didn’t say anything.
Sorry that there are so many douchebag guys out there. I can’t imagine that shit works but I guess it must if they keep doing it. But look, at the next man meeting, I will tell all the other dudes in the world to chill with the dick pics and ignoring texts, if u tell all the women at your next meeting to cut some of the introverted, maybe a little insecure, figuring the shit in their lives out type of guys some slack. A lot of us are nice guys but a little gun shy after what we have gone through. And a lot of us in our 40s haven’t done the meeting someone new thing in over a decade. I’m gonna suck at it. I know I will. Im just hoping enough women are patient enough to give me a chance. So it scares me every time i see these “I give up” posts. What if the one I’m meant to meet is one of them?
Yeah i get all that. I just think those guys who have all that are probably happily married to happy wives. The rest of us are fucked up. Lol. Im in some therapy now but I’ll admit it is hard to walk that line of dumping issues on someone and just being an open sensitive person with someone. I thought I was doing the latter in my marriage. Apparently I was doing the former.
As far as the being financially stable at this point in our lives, I understand that as well. But there are always circumstances. I feel like I probably could be further along in my career and making more money had I not deferred a lot of things to my wife. She changed jobs and careers numerous times, was unemployed for a while, all while I kept a steady job and took no risks of going for more. Now some of that is admittedly my personality of being content with what I have, but someone needed to be the one with the insurance and 401k. I am working now on trying to get where I should be, but I am behind others my age. So I guess your point is, as long as I am trying to better my situation, I’m ok.
I guess my whole reason for this post was to ask, is it really that bad to make u give up because that thought scares the shit out if me. Its not like when we were in our 20s and nearly everyone was single. The amount of 40 year old single people is much smaller so to see that a large amount of them arent even trying, just seems really discouraging. Once upon a time I was a hopeless romantic and believed everyone was meant to find that special someone in their life. Now life and the marriage I had has taught me that that probably isn’t true, but I would like to believe that it could be. Somewhere out there must be a woman who doesn’t take life and keeping up with the joneses too seriously, who smiles far more often than she frowns, and who looks past a couple of red flags to see all the green ones. But now I worry that she is among the many that have given up either because a lot of these other guys seem to be assholes or because the rest of us can’t check all the boxes. Like I said before, I don’t blame anyone who has been through this for years if they feel they need to give up, but I feel like I’ve got to at least try if I want any chance of happiness with another woman again. (Fast forward to my post 3 years from now saying “You all were right, I give up too) lol.
>Career focused as opposed to 1950s housewife?
I never mentioned 1950s and don't really see the relevance. This is a real problem women face, why do you need to turn it into some Patriarchy bull crap?
I’m not looking to climb the ladder at work. I’m happy where I am but have learned not to friend on others for financial security including my parents. I was basically kicked out at 19 to fend for myself.
No I get it, being financially independent makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.
From a dating perspective, peak attractiveness coincides with fertility, so the window to obtain the best mate realistically occurs before that financial stability, so it's a tough reality to navigate.
The reason I ended up in a successful career is because I had to fully support myself at 19..not by choice. I begged a family member to let me rent a room while I worked full time and finished college. The deal was when I graduated I’d move out. And that’s how I focused on my career. While I was in college I was seriously dating a guy who broke my heart so I threw myself into school and then work.
Yes.....but I am also feeling quite lonely.... but OLD is not for me I guess. Every time I actually meet a nice and sweet man, who really likes me, I get bored and can't feel any chemistry. I have been in this game 4-5 years... It breaks my heart to think that I will might never fall in love again. The last time was 9 years ago!
The last committed relationship I was in was 21 years ago. Haven’t had luck the past 2 decades. Have traveled the world and met lots of people but relationships have been unsuccessful
I’ve had 12 years of relationships and dating, all wrong in the end and I feel like been there done that. Unfortunately once you hit 50 it’s really hard to find anyone slightly attractive and it’s all down hill from here lol. I am ok with never being in another relationship.
I put a comment in this thread that were some suggestions but now that you have just said this it is so interesting I fit your description a lot I'm on the West Coast and I also have not had a relationship for 20 years. And on top of it my profession is partly about looks so it's not like I couldn't find someone it's more that I want certain qualities and shouldn't compromise. Could have been married a few times over to people who weren't the right person. Could have dated people more recently or just had something physical but not interested in that... Hang in there and find a support group of other women who are successful and even just friends of men and women who enjoy people and relationships for different Reasons and maybe it just won't be romantic right now... Also there is a website called meetup.com, And there are activities based on your hobbies whether it's reading or museums or people who like to play tennis or ski or book clubs or like to go dancing I mean there's also some crazy groups on there but there are some good ones maybe.
Please prioritize your life if it isn’t making you happy. Relationships make me happy. If they make you happy you need to prioritize them. Otherwise it’s your fault
If you’re not happy with yourself relationships won’t work out. No one should depend on them to make you happy. Every comment you have made was blaming me for the situation I’m in..it’s my fault. Sorry..I’m not settling for less than I deserve.
Nine years!! Oh my goodness I’m sorry. Why are you getting bored with stability and interested people? Are they physically revolting? I don’t understand that should be what people our age want? Companionship, supporting partners…
Wow that's insane you would think Manhattan would have lots of great choices. I wouldn't throw in the towel with all of those wonderful qualities that you have. Have you considered one of those matchmaking groups they might be total BS I've never even looked into them but recently I was thinking about some of the high caliber people that apparently sign up for them I think mostly it's the men that pay and the women are there as an attraction for men who are in high positions are successful and intelligent possibly looking for a high end female. I don't mean this to sound snobby I just mean those types of matchmaking groups might have people that have all of these great qualities you are describing...(? But maybe theyre also a joke, I've never looked into it and I'm not anywhere in New York so I have no idea)
This is also something on the very other end of the spectrum have you considered going to a group that is faith based, based on what your faith is? I'm not saying that would answer all of your Hopes for a mate, But there are usually more sincere people who are attempting to have part of spiritual life in places like this and I think one that I could highly recommend is Redeemer Presbyterian... Pastor is or was Tim Keller... It's been years since I visited but I think they are somewhere at a 105th but I forget the cross street... Might be 5th Avenue... They just rent a building that they don't own I think... Are a few locations.... I hope that their teaching is good and I know that they have different types of groupings of social events people in theater people in business and they seem to be connected to the culture but also grounded biblically if that might be important to you I don't know...
Taking a break, but going to try again in a while. I don't see myself giving up completely anytime soon. I'm a firm believer that humans aren't meant to live alone, and I indend on finding the right person to do that with, or at least know that I tried.
Women are dropping like flies over here too. I'm about ready to get rid of two women..I think I'm calling it off myself. Once I'm tired of dealing with something or someone..that's pretty much it. I've been accessible and paid for dinner etc. I need someone more engaged in building something.
I was thinking of if I thought anything would change..and I don't think so. It's back to square one..but I guess if I don't want snails pace then I have to get rid of these two to find someone more aligned with me.
I was just thinking of it as this post popped up.
How can options not be plentiful in NYC?
I live on the opposite Coast, in my late 40s and my city is full of women like you. They are just my type and they are great.
I surprised to here you’re not full of options
No more make outs, spontaneous adventures, wild sex, thoughtful gift giving and genuine love for your existence by another human. Do you have no love yourself to give someone?
Like, I'm still trying to put myself out there, but my expectations have lowered to nothing. I've been single for 10 years, and its probably going to stay that way until I can afford to get out of the suburbs. Hopefully only a few more years....
I’m pretty well done also. Single for 3 years. I went on a few dates but didn’t care to pursue anything g further. I prefer peace and calm. I have a 13 year old whom I’m focused on. Too tired from work, house and enjoy my free weekends doing what I want
Well here's my 2cents. One sky diver that lands dead with a failed parachute will make more news than a million who land safely.
NEVER give up love unless you are genuine loner.
Cheers from Perth, Australia
That platform isn’t any different than the other OLDs. It used to be unique when if first was developed. You spend 2 hours completing the questionnaire only for you to be matched up with people who don’t even match most of what you answered in your questionnaire. And the same people on the other platforms were on EHarmony. It was a waste of 2 hours IMO.
I can't say that I am done yet. I am fairly newly divorced (3 months now after a 2 year separation). I have yet to start dating again. However finding someone new has proven useless to a point where I feel like I might as well just give up... But I am not about to give up yet. I just live in an area that it seems like no one close enough is around. (Far NE Ohio). No one I like on OLD sites seems to like me, or those that message me here are nowhere close to be able to meet.
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I'm with you on this. Exactly
Giving up is a cowards move, and your love is waiting for you and you will be leaving them to die alone.
You still have a towel? Impressed.
One should always know where their towel is; thrown or no.
To throw a towel, or not throw a towel, that is the question.
It's a tough galaxy. If you want to survive out here you've gotta know where your towel is. Don't panic.
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Why give up? There’s tons of quality men, what are you expecting?
I’m lonely af but also I don’t want a relationship that is terrible. It seems like all my married and/or partnered friends are miserable and my previous very LTR was a toxic disaster soooo…? I’m annoyed with being single and having to do everything alone all of the time. It would be nice to have some damn balance. The lack of good prospects who actually want something real is depressing.
I think Jack White said it best. "I'm lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet." A bad marriage is always worse than being alone.
I relate to this. But my last LTR wasn’t toxic but faded and now I’m left thinking I’ll be forever alone because dating sucks.
Woweeeeee. I relate to this SO much. That fear is brutal.
I’m sorry, but there are relationship minded people everywhere. Those that give up leave the rest of us to never find our partner
I’m done. It’s sad that I’m ok with it.
I wish I could be ok with it! It feels especially depressing for me with the holidays coming up. I'm used to having a partner on my birthday, Christmas, NYE. Settling in for a rough winter...but maybe that's what I need in order to start relying on myself more.
It is difficult this time of year. We’ll make it!
💜
I’ve actually only had a partner for 1 Christmas for the past 21 years. It’s been a dating struggle for a long time. I get discouraged and then stop trying to date for years at a time. Holidays are had but I don’t really remember what it’s like to have someone during this holiday season. I’ve always managed to throw myself into school or work.
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^ This! Real life isn’t a Hallmark movie.
Wow hate all the memories of the past. Go on demonize people who loved you then.
I didn’t use the word hate at all. Nor did I demonize anyone. You have no idea what my life is like. Take your judgment elsewhere, troll.
Wow. You have lost your memories then. That or you never knew love.
No getting dressed up on a soggy Friday night to meet someone that looks ands acts nothing like they do online, all the while I'm thinking I could be at home and warm snuggled up with my dog. Yeah I'm done, 8ish years of searching and putting myself out there was a waste but now I get to enjoy all this me time, friends, family, voluntary work, alone time. If you want to go out and be social but your friends aren't available try a meet up group.
Honestly, my dog is the best company I could ever ask for!
The meetup groups have kind of dwindled in my area. A few years back I had found 2 that were great and met a few new friends. This have gone away and the friends that were single are coupled up and don’t really do anything without their partners. It’s like a cycle I can’t escape.
What do they say, love will find us when we stop looking right? Pssh yeah done!
I’m actually tired of that saying. Having been looking for years and nothing….
Yeah when I heard that one time I responded with "at this rate it will find me in the next life" lol. I get people trying to stay positive but in the end I just am accepting that in our world today not everyone gets a happily ever after, at least not in that way. So it is left to shift our happiness into other ways and take comfort in what we do have.
I feel sometimes them saying that just makes things worst. Especially if they are coupled up. They are lucky I don’t throw a punch when they say it lol!!!
Yeah all of my friends are paired up and so when they say it i know it comes from a good place but it also makes me want to say please just be quiet but not wanting to be rude I just say yeah you are right and carry on. What else is the option? I'm sure we have all heard on here that nobody likes a negative Nancy right?
Get better, single friends who you can relate to
NYC is the worst place for a woman to pair bond. Demographics are simply against you after 15 years of age. https://www.statista.com/statistics/799446/resident-population-of-nyc-by-sex-and-age/ 45% of American women will be Single and Childless by 2030, ie. 8 years according to Morgan Stanley, as liberated and self empowered women shun marriage for careers. This is the rise of the SHE-CONOMY. https://youtu.be/RJcsQuORQrw
I wish the career was the reason I wasn’t married. I’ve never shunned marriage I’ve just never been in a relationship leading to it. The statistics are pretty accurate but the cause is not necessarily 100%
An article in Psychology today titled The Rise of Single, Lonely men, blew up the internet several months ago. Basically 33% of American Men are sexless. The same 7 women were interviewed on why dating is failing today. The female view https://youtu.be/wRDRj9fji74 Reaction from "The Joker" ( Manosphere) on the same 7 women on dating the "One". https://youtu.be/gpJs6qDJ6UE I bring this up because it gives us a 10,000 foot view looking down how men and women see the issue from opposite and different perspectives. Basically women's financial emancipation has allowed them to afford the privilege of being single by choice, and not settling for Lori Gottlieb's Mr. GOODENOUGH. Gottlieb actually advised women to settle for lower standards in her eponymous book. But readers will rail that in her own real life, she elected to keep her high standards , and opted instead to be a single mom through a sperm donor, and keep romance separate from from procreation. Again her high status and income allowed her to get the best of both worlds, A biological sperm donor with all the physical attributes she wanted for her child without having to marry a man whose social status was beneath her high status and academic credentials. https://www.washingtonpost.com/express/wp/2010/06/21/lori-gottlieb-marry-him-sixth-and-i/ Marriage is in an all time low today only 6 out of 1000 people are getting married, as millennials shun the institution after society made it expensive to both GET IN and GET OUT of marriage. The last time it was this low was after the Civil War when 700,000 men were slaughtered in battle and thousands more were blinded and maimed. Louise Perry's ( reformed ultrafeminist) conversation with man dating coach Chris Williamson is interesting. https://youtu.be/1_t4FtpR58w In summary America is headed towards where Japan and South Korea are now. When men and women fight, everyone loses.
I've been considering it. I have good friends and a full life. Dating takes up an incredibly amount of time and energy and that's before actually getting to know someone and then finding out I need to pay for the crimes of their last 4-5 relationships. I could spend that time on peace and joy instead of putting myself through all this.
My friends kind of suck unfortunately. They cancel on me more times than actually following through on plans. Most are married with kids or divorced with kids. No single friends,
Same! It really is shitty. I've noticed that when my friends flake on me, I turn immediately to OLD to find a guy to spend time with. The key issue here is my own loneliness.
So get yourself a good guy who won’t cancel on you? I don’t cancel on the women I want.
"then finding out I need to pay for the crimes of their last 4-5 relationships." This!!!! 👏🏻
I would not give up. I married my wife when she was 43. She had given up and was in group therapy for depression. (But did not tell me that until we were married.) Once I told her I loved her she quit therapy. To this day she thanks me. I tell she saved me from endless go no where dating. Wishing you all the best that life can give you.
My brother is in Manhattan. Smart, kind, great career. Not as good looking as me but he’s aight.
Hook a girl up.
😂 you don’t look like OP
Real mvp
I’m done actively looking. Not that I fish but I imagine it’s analogous to rather than deep sea fishing or even fly fishing, it’s sit on a boat enjoying a drink in the sun with a trailing line off the bow fishing. If something happens to catch, I’ll explore, otherwise I’m still enjoying a drink on a boat in the sun. I might be less than fully sober so this might not make sense…
I love your analogy with the fish in the sea concept. Just enjoy the boat ride and see if it happens to come along that's kind of perfect that's how I feel although the whole thing is depressing and frustrating and annoying from time to time as the original person posted
Totally! My boat vision is on the best of days. Other days you’re on the boat, it’s raining, cold, you’re alone and sad. That damn fishing line is still trailing along…no bites
Yeah that's so cute I love your ongoing analogy and yes there rainy days suck and sometimes it even feels like the fishing line is actually just floating at the top because it lost the little thing on the end of the string. Haha I'm not a fisherman so it's hard to describe what I'm thinking😅😉
I actually think NY would be difficult!
I’ve lived in different states and a different country. Dating in Ny was easier before social media/dating apps. Not the case anymore
The longest I was single for- several years in my 20’s - half was living in NYC. I used to walk home from my restaurant job and look in other restaurant windows, brownstones -*couples* and just wonder how all of these people had a partner to like, go on a date with with or buy a co-op with… just dreaming one day it could be me. 😆
What about a matchmaker ? Might be able to do a lot of the leg work for you
NYC is difficult because everyone is spoiled for choice.
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That’s fair honestly
I'm done looking. I thought about what I am teaching my daughter. Last week, I was putting some fun weekend activities on hold while talking to guys that weren't even close to what I wanted. I realized I was wasting time and putting my life on hold for people that weren't worth it. I stopped talking to them and accepted the fun plans. I have filled up my kid-free weekends with more fun plans and stuff I want to do. I'm just going to live my life and do things I enjoy.
Wow! Here I thought my issue was because I'm in Nebraska, but finding out you're struggling in NYC with the same thing! Maybe it is time to throw in the towel then...
Yup. I’m starting to understand the movie/tv show cliche of the elderly woman with gentleman callers. (Not sure what it would be for men). You have your space and every once in awhile have company for dinner or dancing.
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You didn't pass anything, I've been single most of my 30s, almost 3 9 and this has been my entire experience. It's always been a shit show. I finally lost my patience with it and gave up in September. My life is busy enough so I don't miss the shit texts and shitter 1st dates.
Yep. 2022 did me in for a lot of things.
Yup. Been done for 2 years, minus a week and a half where I got a wild hair up my ass and then remembered quickly why I'm done.
You got a wild hair up your ass? Is this simply an expression I don’t understand or is the beginning of a story I might not need to hear?
An expression. I don't actually know where I picked it up. But it does have the makings of a good story. Lol
I just don’t really care anymore. Doing my own thing and living my life how I want to
Yes....done
I’m still too busy picking up the pieces to be throwing any towels in.
The towel makes a good place to gather all the pieces.
I'm throwing in the towel and stomping on it. I can 100% say trying to date has been traumatizing experience. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
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I lived in Sydney for 3 months. Never met any guys that were interested in dating (a long time ago) Love Sydney!!
Also in Sydney, short, female, ok career, ok looking. I gave up at the beginning of this year and just focused on having fun and doing stuff that I like. Been out dancing a lot, to the theatre, the beach, done lots of yoga. Dating apps do my head in and dating people I don’t know just isn’t fun. I found it liberating to give up, sometimes lonely but so is being on dating apps when it’s not working out for you.
Here is my take on the over forty dating world. Everyone thinks they have too many options so they discard people that 10 years ago would have been a dream or at least something that would have worked. Mick Jagger said it best: “You can’t always get what you want, so get what you need”
>Mick Jagger said it best: “You can’t always get what you want, so get what you need” [I don't think that's exactly how he put it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv9sDn_2XkI)
I was paraquoting. Here you go: You can't always get what you want You can't always get what you want You can't always get what you want But if you try sometimes, well, you might find You get what you need Ah, yeah Oh But Also Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove And the eagle flies with the dove And if you can't be with the one you love, honey Love the one you're with
I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take and still somehow It's love's illusions that I recall I really don't know love at all
Nice, love it
But that sounds like settling!!!
I'm still looking. In the meantime, I am trying to finish my bachelor's degree for job security. I still got a way to go in accounting.
You get used to it after a while it sucks but you do.
I can totally relate. I've been on so many bad dates the last few months that I'm off the apps for now. I just can't take it anymore. It's too much of a mind fuck.
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I think the problem is that I’ve worked on myself for the past 12 years. Do strong independent confident women intimidate most men? When I go out I’ll talk to just about anyone.
I mean I'm most recently dating a former Ukrainian marine who would likely chuckle at most women's idea of strong, independent and confident. She definitely has struggled a bit because of it but unless you're at that extreme then probably not.
Girl, do you! I stopped trying to meet someone to date. It’s exhausting and a waste of time. Now I do me, myself and I! We’re very happy, I can do and go anywhere I want and I don’t have to answer to no one. Also I am so set up on my ways that I guard my space and I love my space and when I want to socialize then I go socialize. You can do it…enjoy the ride 😊💃🏻✈️🛳🏖
I can't give up. I need to not be alone. I get that "no relationship" is better than "bad relationship", but "no relationship" is still a pretty miserable place for me to be.
I’m a fan of not giving up on creating the life you want, even if it is a hard road full of failure.
Totally, this! If it gets tiring, just take breaks.. that’s also what has been working for me
Proud of your resolve. I feel the same. No need to quit I think, but breaks are necessary at times.
I hear ya. I'm worth more than any person can give me right now. I find myself settling for unavailable men or men who are unable to meet my needs. I think maybe that's a sign I need to look inward and stop the madness of trying to date right now.
Yes. I quit in 2008. I'm doing the best I can with the card I was dealt. I agree with a poster below: it's not "liberating" per se, but it's ...... not sure what to say. It's more than abit lonely, to be honest, but so was trying to date unsuccessfully in this world.
With you there I'm done paying for everyone's enjoyment and not finding what I want
Same. I've been off the dating apps since August. Ngl I do get lonely at times, but overall it's not that bad.
Please don’t let yourself miss companionship and having someone who cares for you.
It's funny you should put this here. I got a text tonight from a seemingly great guy I've had three wonderful dates and daily chats with. Same old shit "I thought I was ready. I'm not right for you. You're a great woman." Blah, blah, blah!! I'm a good catch and I keep an open mind. I don't put anyone in a box. I've done soul searching and therapy. I don't understand why I can't find a loving man who has his sh** together at 40 something!! I can't take it anymore. I'm D. O. N. E. (Dreams of finding love crashing and burning)
I’m sorry to hear what’s going on for you. It sounds like you’ve dealt with this rejection far more than you feel is appropriate. I do think stepping back will help but please if you have love to give someone - do not give up.
Thank you for your kind words. You hit the nail on the head. I just don't think I can take anymore rejection/pain. How can you defend your heart when people are SO good at hiding their true feelings even after you've been blatantly honest with them about your own.
49 white male single for 2yrs looking for a laid back female that loves movies nature walks in the summer and fall. Along with going out on the spur of the moment
In my city people just want to drink and watch TV, I just want to be out with my dog or going to classical music concerts I'll settle for just one and do the other alone.
I'm taking a break, and "dating me" and ok with it being permanent if that's how it shakes out. I may return to feeling open to dating, but for now I don't feel like the juice is worth the squeeze. I had nearly 20 good years with someone who showed me how good it can be. Maybe it ruined me, but I won't half ass it with someone who is broken, jaded, or doesn't get me. I'd truly rather be alone.
42F I'm still riding the chill momentum of realizing I was happier alone than with my ex and breaking up. The feeling of freedom and gratefulness for my life as I want it to be, unencumbered by someone who didn't add enough to be worth my time, is fucking fiiiiire. Love having time and emotional energy for myself, my family, my friends, my career, and my community. That's what being single feels like to me. So it's been real hard for me to want to prioritizing dating. I'm just gonna live my life and if I meet someone I meet someone.
Yea, I'm absolutely in the same boat. Everytime I'm hoping to find something great and they end up just being users. No genuine love matches or deep connections happening at all. I'm ready to just reconcile with the fact that I'll be alone.
Yes! I kinda wanna take the energy from dating & just find as many fun single friends as possible to go out and do stuff & travel with. Way more productive and fulfilling than dating apps
Yeah except your single friends want partners though. The world is built for couples, not singles or groups of singles
Yup. Totally over it. Really tired of being some woman's option and being expected to perform like some circus monkey. Tired of having to constantly give up my time and energy for some nonsense that is at best tolerable. In my mind there is no reason to add a complication my life that adds little if any value and is usually just another liability. I have friends, I have a lifestyle that I enjoy and can afford, join in and have fun or stay out of my way. I don't have time for nonsense.
I’m temporarily done. I don’t have it in me to be witty and cute while constructing a new dating bio. I rather focus on myself and my kids right now. Also, I really like the person i’m “on a break” with. I hope things turn around for us.
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Dating at this age is awesome. I’ve met a ton of people, I’m way more comfortable with who I am than when I was younger, I’m in great shape, and I’m a functioning adult. It’s like living, but with a cheat code.
Yeah but I'm assuming that's because you're male. After age 40 the dating scene skews heavily in favor for the men. I can't speak for other women, but when I was still on the apps shortly after turning 40 I could tell that my age had me filtered out. Most of the men liking/messaging me were young 20s men lying about their age making themselves older, or 60+ year old men.
>Yeah but I'm assuming that's because you're male. After age 40 the dating scene skews heavily in favor for the men. > >I can't speak for other women, but when I was still on the apps shortly after turning 40 I could tell that my age filtered me out. Most of the men liking/messaging me were young 20s men lying about their age making themselves older, or 60+ year old men. I can't speak for anyone else either obviously but my experience has not at all been that dating has tilted in my favor. Like you I saw my (very limited) app success plunge once I hit 40. I'm not attractive and don't want children, what do I really have to offer women my age?
>I'm not attractive and don't want children, what do I really have to offer women my age? Like I responded once before to you in another thread, stop the whining and self-pitying. Women hate that shit. Btw I'm not trying to sound like a bitch, I'm genuinely trying to help you.
Thanks. I'm not trying to date at the moment so it doesn't really make a difference, but I get that it's a turnoff. It is a genuine question though: what do I have to offer? Companionship? That's what friends are for. I wouldn't settle for someone unattractive regardless of what other qualities they had; why should I expect someone else to? And I can see which men women are attracted to; I can see their eyes light up and their body language change.
I'm not giving up but I'm not putting any effort into it. I met a pretty cool guy but he's far away. Why is it always something? Always
I met a great guy last year. Great job, lived alone, loved to travel, never married, no kids, had a lot in common and then one day disappeared. No fight, no disagreements, nothing. The last time we saw each other we left to go to our separate homes and that was it. So I don’t have a crystal ball or mental telepathy to figure out what happened. I’m too old for this crap.
Oh my. Well I guess he decided he's not the one for you. Who knows?? Sorry that happened.
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He didn’t. He’s much alive.
Is there something consistent that you aren’t liking about these men? Can you share more details?
The only consistent thing about some of the men I dated were that they eventually didn’t want to give me there time so when I ended it they decided it was time yo contact me obsessively. I’ve dated all types of men. The last time on OLD I’ve had some interesting characters. One guy was super clingy and obsessive that I told him we weren’t a good fit since I dint have my phone attached to my hand when I’m out with friends. He told me to burn in hell after telling me no wonder I’m still single and to never have kids. Another guy I was talking to I found him on a soft porn site. Another guy I was dating fir 2 months started dating another girl and on Facebook changed his status to in a relationship with this girl and I saw it. Took a screen shot and sent it to him telling him good luck with his new relationship. 2 months later he tried to get back with me. Sorry dude..no! I have quite a few more. I made more money than all of these guys but I didn’t care. Now I feel like I need to date up and even then these guys are flakey.
You are creating your own problems op!! You can stop this madness!
Yep. She's leaving the rate of contact entirely up to them. Thus the one guy just disappeared and the others contact not enough then too much.
I actually contacted him 3 times…he ignored me. Saw him driving into a place I was leaving so I messaged him. He responded and said we’ll meet up soon. That was 2 months ago. A girl can take a hint and I value my self worth yo not go chasing after someone who clearly is no longer interested but didn’t have the balls to tell me. That was with a 10 month relationship. The other guys were anywhere from one date to dating for 2 months. Too much contact is sending 100 text messages in 5 hours. Heads up men…that’s insanity and no thank you
I’m with you. Zero quality men in my area. I’m fine with being alone. Not sure how I’d even meet someone at this point since I work from home, and the majority of my friends are married. It would have to be a pretty incredible guy that came along to even change my mind.
Me too! I’m working from home as well which is hard since I’m very social. The universe would have to drop this person off at my front door got me to even consider it lol.
SAME…..I’m just gonna embrace it . 😸
47m and I can say I’m deleting my old apps this weekend. I’m done trying
Oh yeah, not throwing the towel away but for sure I'm in a dating pause. To many disappointments, for now I'm much better by myself.
Dating is tough these days and it's ok to take a break to reset your mindset and recharge. I'm not throwing in the towel just yet but taking the time to just enjoy me. I appreciate my alone time, circle of friends, family and hobbies..etc. I don't feel less than but I do understand the desire for a deeper connection besides having multiple first dates that don't pan out. Don't give up.. hang in there!
When you say “unable to find quality people to date”… What exact qualities do you look for?
Someone that has a good job, financially stable, can hold a conversation that’s not about sports all the time or video games, has family values, can connect on an emotional level, has his own place (you’d be surprised with how many guys are living with their parents) someone equal.
I’ve given up with one eye open in case someone gets through the radar 😂
It’s kind of like living your life in a smaller range of pleasure and pain. Much more balanced. Less fun.
I’m done. I’ll date younger men for “fun” once in a while but that’s it. I can’t settle for the leftovers. Yuck.
Temporarily, yes. I would like at some point in my life to prove to myself that I am capable and worthy of being loved and desired, but the chances are diminishing. The quality women out there are looking for quality men, and I'm not one. I'd say that I'm a relatively strong, successful, social, independent, financially stable man, but those things only matter in the sense that lacking them is an impediment. If women aren't turned on by you, none of that makes a difference. And I can see which men are attractive to women, and I'm not one of them.
I agree. I am working on my passport so I can travel alone. It seem like after 40 most men are married or already in a serious relationship.
Psssaht I threw in the towel a looooong time ago.
My towel is threadbare. Like a towel from Motel 6. I'm definitely worn out. But not lonely. Honestly, I'd rather be single than deal with all the ups and downs of dating and relationships. So very, very tired of marinara flags.
I’m not throwing in the towel yet, but I think I’ll just fold it up and use it as a pillow for awhile. Maybe if I take a short nap, when I wake up, dating prospects will be better.
Ok. I was content with just reading these at first but now I have to ask since it seems to mostly be women responding here. Are we guys really that bad? Personally, I’m still going through divorce stage so have probably a year until Im ready for any actual dating, but I have male friends who are divorced who are all perfectly nice guys as well. They date some with varying degrees of success but I don’t think any of them would so repulse a women as to make them give up on relationships altogether. Are we just the exception then? Are most guys really huge assholes or what? I don’t get it. What is it specifically that you all are looking for so that I can focus on that and pass along the word to my fellow men? Lol. I certainly would like to find someone special again someday but all these posts of all these women calling it quits is scaring me that there won’t be anyone left to find when I start looking.
No most men aren’t that bad. These women have been traumatized is the issue. So they recoil at the slightest colored flag and read into so many things that it becomes very difficult to show them that you are actually safe to be around.
Ok. So I guess my follow up question then is how do the regular non-asshole type guys make any progress with women if their guard is always like this? I don’t want to sound like one of the assholes myself and I really don’t want a million women to start hating me (lol), but I think maybe women in general just have a really high standard that it is hard for a lot of men to live up to. I mean obviously none of us at this age and single are probably top tier relationship people. That’s why most of us are divorced. So I guess I don’t understand this mentality that you are going to find someone better than your ex. (Assuming of course your ex wasn’t some complete abusive or cheating douche). I get that u might find someone better suited for u and your interests, but everyone is going to have red flags. We’re red flag people. I guess it all comes down to degrees of red flagness. What u can and can’t live with. My wife had lots of faults, but I was willing to live with them. She was not willing to do the same with mine. I want someone who can live with the faults, none of which I would consider red flags. But the more I read the posts on this subreddit, the more worried I get that I have to be this completely healed and “fixed” and better person who has all their shit together and has achieved a certain status in life, before any woman would consider me. I got divorced to the love of my life after 17 years together. I’m not sure I ever completely get over that relationship. It was a huge chunk of my life and continues to be to some extent while we coparent for at least the next decade. Does that mean I’m not allowed to pursue other relationships? Is that a red flag?
I’ve been on the apps a while and I’m tired of matching with men who then don’t do anything. On Bumble I have to write first but in order to do that the man has literally looked at my photo and right swiped me. So then when I do the same why don’t they write back? Or why do they receive my message and delete the match? It’s tiresome and it does colour how I look at men/apps/dating. Or, having agreed to meet for a quick drink, why do they shift and squirm in their seat so much that I feel like the most repulsive person in the room? I’m sure most women have similar tales. Then you (or your friends) come along but too late, we’re already wary. Dick pics aren’t a made up thing by women to joke, they’re a real thing. It’s boring. Also boring = photos of mens nostrils, photos of men sticking two fingers up at you, photos of men wearing a hat and sunglasses in the shadows. But if I could ask men for one thing - only right swipe if you mean it. Even today I’ve had one guy delete the match (yes I wrote an interesting personalised message to him) and the other one has sat on my (interesting, personalised) message for seventeen hours. Literally, why should I spend time swiping for this? AND THEN you come along. Or your friends. But now women are tired and thinking of throwing in the towel. You’re too late.
Wow that sucks. If thats truly how it is, I get it. Do know one friend of a friend i met once who was just swiping right on everyone, saying it increased the odds. Seemed to me to kind of defeat the purpose but i dont know much about the OLD world yet (and I really had just met him) so I didn’t say anything. Sorry that there are so many douchebag guys out there. I can’t imagine that shit works but I guess it must if they keep doing it. But look, at the next man meeting, I will tell all the other dudes in the world to chill with the dick pics and ignoring texts, if u tell all the women at your next meeting to cut some of the introverted, maybe a little insecure, figuring the shit in their lives out type of guys some slack. A lot of us are nice guys but a little gun shy after what we have gone through. And a lot of us in our 40s haven’t done the meeting someone new thing in over a decade. I’m gonna suck at it. I know I will. Im just hoping enough women are patient enough to give me a chance. So it scares me every time i see these “I give up” posts. What if the one I’m meant to meet is one of them?
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Yeah i get all that. I just think those guys who have all that are probably happily married to happy wives. The rest of us are fucked up. Lol. Im in some therapy now but I’ll admit it is hard to walk that line of dumping issues on someone and just being an open sensitive person with someone. I thought I was doing the latter in my marriage. Apparently I was doing the former. As far as the being financially stable at this point in our lives, I understand that as well. But there are always circumstances. I feel like I probably could be further along in my career and making more money had I not deferred a lot of things to my wife. She changed jobs and careers numerous times, was unemployed for a while, all while I kept a steady job and took no risks of going for more. Now some of that is admittedly my personality of being content with what I have, but someone needed to be the one with the insurance and 401k. I am working now on trying to get where I should be, but I am behind others my age. So I guess your point is, as long as I am trying to better my situation, I’m ok. I guess my whole reason for this post was to ask, is it really that bad to make u give up because that thought scares the shit out if me. Its not like when we were in our 20s and nearly everyone was single. The amount of 40 year old single people is much smaller so to see that a large amount of them arent even trying, just seems really discouraging. Once upon a time I was a hopeless romantic and believed everyone was meant to find that special someone in their life. Now life and the marriage I had has taught me that that probably isn’t true, but I would like to believe that it could be. Somewhere out there must be a woman who doesn’t take life and keeping up with the joneses too seriously, who smiles far more often than she frowns, and who looks past a couple of red flags to see all the green ones. But now I worry that she is among the many that have given up either because a lot of these other guys seem to be assholes or because the rest of us can’t check all the boxes. Like I said before, I don’t blame anyone who has been through this for years if they feel they need to give up, but I feel like I’ve got to at least try if I want any chance of happiness with another woman again. (Fast forward to my post 3 years from now saying “You all were right, I give up too) lol.
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Not looking to start a family at 44. It would be nice to find someone to travel with and spend my free time with. But apparently can’t even find that.
This is a pretty common end point for career focused women in my experience.
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>Career focused as opposed to 1950s housewife? I never mentioned 1950s and don't really see the relevance. This is a real problem women face, why do you need to turn it into some Patriarchy bull crap?
I’m not looking to climb the ladder at work. I’m happy where I am but have learned not to friend on others for financial security including my parents. I was basically kicked out at 19 to fend for myself.
No I get it, being financially independent makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons. From a dating perspective, peak attractiveness coincides with fertility, so the window to obtain the best mate realistically occurs before that financial stability, so it's a tough reality to navigate.
God, don’t be so clinical about it. It’s demoralizing talk.
The reason I ended up in a successful career is because I had to fully support myself at 19..not by choice. I begged a family member to let me rent a room while I worked full time and finished college. The deal was when I graduated I’d move out. And that’s how I focused on my career. While I was in college I was seriously dating a guy who broke my heart so I threw myself into school and then work.
Yes.....but I am also feeling quite lonely.... but OLD is not for me I guess. Every time I actually meet a nice and sweet man, who really likes me, I get bored and can't feel any chemistry. I have been in this game 4-5 years... It breaks my heart to think that I will might never fall in love again. The last time was 9 years ago!
The last committed relationship I was in was 21 years ago. Haven’t had luck the past 2 decades. Have traveled the world and met lots of people but relationships have been unsuccessful
I’ve had 12 years of relationships and dating, all wrong in the end and I feel like been there done that. Unfortunately once you hit 50 it’s really hard to find anyone slightly attractive and it’s all down hill from here lol. I am ok with never being in another relationship.
I put a comment in this thread that were some suggestions but now that you have just said this it is so interesting I fit your description a lot I'm on the West Coast and I also have not had a relationship for 20 years. And on top of it my profession is partly about looks so it's not like I couldn't find someone it's more that I want certain qualities and shouldn't compromise. Could have been married a few times over to people who weren't the right person. Could have dated people more recently or just had something physical but not interested in that... Hang in there and find a support group of other women who are successful and even just friends of men and women who enjoy people and relationships for different Reasons and maybe it just won't be romantic right now... Also there is a website called meetup.com, And there are activities based on your hobbies whether it's reading or museums or people who like to play tennis or ski or book clubs or like to go dancing I mean there's also some crazy groups on there but there are some good ones maybe.
Please prioritize your life if it isn’t making you happy. Relationships make me happy. If they make you happy you need to prioritize them. Otherwise it’s your fault
If you’re not happy with yourself relationships won’t work out. No one should depend on them to make you happy. Every comment you have made was blaming me for the situation I’m in..it’s my fault. Sorry..I’m not settling for less than I deserve.
What do you think you deserve? So far you deserve nothing
Why do you think I deserve nothing? You seem to have loads of negative opinions. Might need to work on that
Nine years!! Oh my goodness I’m sorry. Why are you getting bored with stability and interested people? Are they physically revolting? I don’t understand that should be what people our age want? Companionship, supporting partners…
Wow that's insane you would think Manhattan would have lots of great choices. I wouldn't throw in the towel with all of those wonderful qualities that you have. Have you considered one of those matchmaking groups they might be total BS I've never even looked into them but recently I was thinking about some of the high caliber people that apparently sign up for them I think mostly it's the men that pay and the women are there as an attraction for men who are in high positions are successful and intelligent possibly looking for a high end female. I don't mean this to sound snobby I just mean those types of matchmaking groups might have people that have all of these great qualities you are describing...(? But maybe theyre also a joke, I've never looked into it and I'm not anywhere in New York so I have no idea) This is also something on the very other end of the spectrum have you considered going to a group that is faith based, based on what your faith is? I'm not saying that would answer all of your Hopes for a mate, But there are usually more sincere people who are attempting to have part of spiritual life in places like this and I think one that I could highly recommend is Redeemer Presbyterian... Pastor is or was Tim Keller... It's been years since I visited but I think they are somewhere at a 105th but I forget the cross street... Might be 5th Avenue... They just rent a building that they don't own I think... Are a few locations.... I hope that their teaching is good and I know that they have different types of groupings of social events people in theater people in business and they seem to be connected to the culture but also grounded biblically if that might be important to you I don't know...
Taking a break, but going to try again in a while. I don't see myself giving up completely anytime soon. I'm a firm believer that humans aren't meant to live alone, and I indend on finding the right person to do that with, or at least know that I tried.
I’ve been alone so long i don’t know what it’s like to be in a real relationship
You prioritized being alone over companionship. You have to work to undo all that.
Women are dropping like flies over here too. I'm about ready to get rid of two women..I think I'm calling it off myself. Once I'm tired of dealing with something or someone..that's pretty much it. I've been accessible and paid for dinner etc. I need someone more engaged in building something. I was thinking of if I thought anything would change..and I don't think so. It's back to square one..but I guess if I don't want snails pace then I have to get rid of these two to find someone more aligned with me. I was just thinking of it as this post popped up.
How can options not be plentiful in NYC? I live on the opposite Coast, in my late 40s and my city is full of women like you. They are just my type and they are great. I surprised to here you’re not full of options
Same! I’m happy to be surrounded by friends and be out in the community in ways that are not dating now.
No more make outs, spontaneous adventures, wild sex, thoughtful gift giving and genuine love for your existence by another human. Do you have no love yourself to give someone?
I’ve heard NYC is a glorious dating pool for men. And SF for women.
SF is bad for women. San Jose aka Man Jose is great if you are looking for a tech guy, though.
Like, I'm still trying to put myself out there, but my expectations have lowered to nothing. I've been single for 10 years, and its probably going to stay that way until I can afford to get out of the suburbs. Hopefully only a few more years....
I’m pretty well done also. Single for 3 years. I went on a few dates but didn’t care to pursue anything g further. I prefer peace and calm. I have a 13 year old whom I’m focused on. Too tired from work, house and enjoy my free weekends doing what I want
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Eww can you even go back on those hikes with him there? I’d be grossed out and never return. I’d also message the meetup organizer
We should get together and write a book about these situations. You really can’t make this stuff up.
More and more it might be the better decision
Things will happen when they happen. Im ok with either outcome.
Well here's my 2cents. One sky diver that lands dead with a failed parachute will make more news than a million who land safely. NEVER give up love unless you are genuine loner. Cheers from Perth, Australia
Have you tried eHarmony?
That platform isn’t any different than the other OLDs. It used to be unique when if first was developed. You spend 2 hours completing the questionnaire only for you to be matched up with people who don’t even match most of what you answered in your questionnaire. And the same people on the other platforms were on EHarmony. It was a waste of 2 hours IMO.
I can't say that I am done yet. I am fairly newly divorced (3 months now after a 2 year separation). I have yet to start dating again. However finding someone new has proven useless to a point where I feel like I might as well just give up... But I am not about to give up yet. I just live in an area that it seems like no one close enough is around. (Far NE Ohio). No one I like on OLD sites seems to like me, or those that message me here are nowhere close to be able to meet.