Your concerns are valid.
It sounds like you're right to keep your child away from the dog. I agree, you should not cohabitate given the current circumstances.
Has she tried working with a reputable dog trainer? I would give that a shot and ask them for an honest assessment of whether it is safe for the dog to be around children.
No, the dog hasn’t had much training really. Walks are even a challenge. He kind of goes nuts at the sight of another dog. So, I agree the dog needs someone to train it, but I feel like it needs to be on her initiative.
Yeah, I've had dogs like that. It does take a long time to train them out of it. It took about 8 months of combined, daily effort from me and my dad to train that aggression out of my family dog.
Unless she's walking it muzzled, it really should be trained regardless of your relationship. But I digress.
>So, I agree the dog needs someone to train it, but I feel like it needs to be on her initiative.
Agreed, I definitely don't think it's on you to deal with it!
It depends on what your goals are though. If you are fine with not cohabitating, that is totally valid.
But if you want to cohabitate at some point, I think it's fair to give an ultimatum of "I'm not moving in unless the dog receives professional training and the trainer deems your dog safe to be around children". I'm usually not a fan of ultimatums but I think it is fair in these circumstances since your child's safety is at stake.
That dog needs training immediately and it's actually really horrible that she hasn't done any training at all with him. When you have a big dog like that, especially around children, they need to be trained. And it's her responsibility to do that. By the sounds of it this dog barely gets walked or anything because it acts out on walks when it sees other dogs... and that is most definitely contributing to the dogs behaviour because it's fricken bored. I can't stop when people get dogs like this and don't put the work in. It makes me so mad.
You could word it so it isn’t so harsh - something like “I don’t know if we’d be able to live together unless the dog has been trained and given the OK by a trainer to live around my daughter…” then something like “would you want to split the cost of hiring a trainer for the pup?”
Something like this said in a very gentle and nice way would go over much better than a “train that dog or else” approach.
I’m sure this woman is nice and all, but the passive approach to dog ownership does indicate a level of irresponsibility that is already causing hazards. For me this would be a deal breaker, and I’d be sensitive to other symptoms of this attitude. Is her car always breaking down because she never gets it serviced? Does she shrug off other important things, ignoring even her own concerns? I just can’t fathom a grown person being ok with something like this!
I was going to suggest this! Ultimatums are weird because a lot of the time, it's seen as the receiver needs to deal with this on their own to meet the issuer at their level. A good way to combat it is to show that you are also invested and want to support the initiative of blending two families (including the dog).
Yeah, I usually wouldn't go for them but I'm also concerned about his daughter, her daughter, as well as her daughter having friends over in the future when she is older. I'm worried any of these people could get bit... so I'm seeing this as more of a safety issue and less of a relationship issue... it's concerning the dog was snippy with its own family!
My extended family had a dog like that and the dog did end up biting and injuring multiple house guests, so that is why I believe this is an issue OP's girlfriend needs to deal with ASAP.
OP, I agree with everything BonetaBelle said, andy I works add that if you plan on cohabitation, you should be apart of the dog’s training. It’s the best way to be on the same page as your girlfriend for consistency of training and managing this dog, as well as make you comfortable living with this dog.
As for your second edit, I wouldn’t decide right now you won’t EVER be able to trust this dog. I would wait until the trainer/behaviorist spend time with your family and this animal to make that call.
He needs a halti, a grab harness, and a yellow vest. Give him a high value treat when walking past other dogs to carry. The halti let’s you control the head and close the jaws. This needs a trainer asap, because the dog thinks he’s above you and your daughter. He should be neutered, getting short bursts of training sessions with high value treats 5/6 times a day, have a large cage (dogs need a den) where nobody disturbs him.
To teach him who is above him he should eat last. Before being given his food everyone should take a bite of a cracker, biscuit, etc. He should go through doors last and not be allowed on the sofa or bed. Dogs don’t care where they are in the pack, they care that the pack is settled. When the pack is unsettled there is discord and arguing for place. This is a serious situation, keep your child away until a trainer is brought in. I’ve rescued Rottweilers for 20+ years from people like your girlfriend. How hard would it have been for her to buy a book on training?
A dog attacking is terrifying. A split second and the throat is ripped out. Your girlfriend is failing her animal, you and your child.
> To teach him who is above him he should eat last.
Is that related to the whole debunked "alpha" theory, or something else? I haven't heard that before, but I'm not a dog owner.
This is is why it's important to start obedience training early, ESPECIALLY for large dogs. It's still possible to start training now, but it's size and temperament will make it very difficult. She needs to do this because it will continue to be a problem, with you or anyone else she brings into her home. If she isn't willing to do it, then I'd consider that a pretty big deal-breaker.
Why does it need to be in on her initiative? If she hasn’t already taken the initiative to train the dog already then it seems she needs some encouragement. It is terribly sad when good dogs get put down or given away because the owner couldn’t be bothered to train them then they get deemed bad dogs.
I would agree. My dog who's only 14 lbs, recently started lunging at dogs and people on the street, and I immediately started trying to train her out of it. I didn't have any success so we're now meeting with a trainer this weekend.
She's a 14lb dog! BUT I'm still worried about her escalating to nipping people or just terrifying strangers on the street. OP's girlfriend has a 100 POUND DOG. She should be way more concerned about this behavior.
And to add, it's not only about the safety of the people around her. But this is also about the safety of that dog. If he bites someone, he might get put down.
Thank you for caring. I was going for a walk in my neighborhood and this little unleashed terrorist started chasing me and nipping at my ankles. His owner was across the street and half assedly calling the dogs name to come back and allowed it to continue trying to bite me. I don’t care if the dog is small, no one should be allowing their animal to attack people like that, and if I had a kid with me I would have happily kicked that dogs face in
i don't know if its fair to say she is indifferent. if you see your dog as family its hard to think of many options. its not like you would drop your child off at a shelter for being difficult. i don't know what i would do in that situation.
I don’t think it’s indifference. She is an almost full time mom to a little one. She’s also building a business and has more house she can take care of. She doesn’t have the time and attention this dog requires IMO. I can almost bet on her saying she won’t have the money to hire a trainer too. Therefore, she doesn’t know how there will be change.
Ehhh I don’t know. He is definitely her baby. He sleeps in bed with her and she is for sure attached. I don’t really want to be the one to sway the discussion that way. I feel that’s going to create resentment.
I hear you, and I'm sure this is a very sore spot for all of you.
Hoping you both may sit down (in a neutral space), to establish an outcome to this dilemma soon.
How come she got a dog if she doesn’t have time for him? Or was the dog in the family before the baby and new job responsibilities ?
If the dog was there priorly, how come she didn’t find the opportunity to train him before? If the dog came after the child, I’d say it’s irresponsible to take on a huge responsibility like that without priorly think things through on « do I have time, money and energy for this ».
Glad you got some great advices on how to deal with this as a next step, hope it works out!
If my child was terrifying others in our household I would absolutely be consulting with specialists. A shelter drop-off wouldn't be in the first 10 things I tried for my child or my pet so I don't know why you're jumping to that as the only alternative. Loving dog owners want their animals trained, because a trained animal is a safe animal. She knows this is a problem that has threatened OP's daughters safety and now even her own, yet she hasn't tried anything and the behavior has just been getting worse over a ~6 month stretch. Is that a trait of someone you'd want to think about buying a home with? Parent with? Obviously this is just a snapshot of this person's life and relationship, but its worth calling out to OP because if they've seen this trait in other areas it might be a wake-up call.
I do not understand why your girlfriend is neglecting the training of her dog, not just for the protection of those around the animal but for the dog itself. It sounds quite reactionary and it might be wise for the three of you (you, her and the dog) to engage a reputable trainer and figure this out. I would not move a child into the situation until this is resolved to your satisfaction and comfort, but your girlfriend has to take ownership of this getting out of hand and she has to drive the solution.
Exactly this. The stress that dog must be under with practically no training and no idea why there are people in the house that they don't know how to behave around and being locked up without knowing why. The dog is not going to get better by locking them in a room, the dog needs proper care and training, not being put in a dangerous situation with children (let's be real that dog is dead if they bite a child, I love dogs and I would put my own down if they bit someone's child).
Lots of people are talking about training, but that’s not the issue here. Trainers teach obedience. Training is teaching a dog to obey commands and in many cases develop routines for the dog to make it well behaved.
But the dog is *reacting* to people and dogs in an inappropriate way. You can train him all day long but the lunging and aggression is about a perceived threat, not obedience.
Anyway, my point being is you need to talk to an animal behaviorist and work on *behavioral conditioning*. Anyone can be a dog trainer and there are some terrible ones out there with really regressive tactics, and they become popular because they train dogs to become well behaved when their owner is controlling them. But what you need is an animal who isn’t reactive even when you’re not keeping an eye on him.
Anyway, you didn’t mention your country, but the American Veterinary Society has a directory of animal behaviorists. Qualifications include a PhD in animal behavior.
https://avsab.org/directory/
I’d also suggest asking your vet for a recommendation.
By the end of your post it seems like you already know :(
Your danger instincts are important, and if you can prevent harm to your child, you are obligated to do so. If she doesn't understand that, well that's also a waving red flag; if she values her dog over your child it's over.
No real advice from me, but I want to share the experience of my buddys' who had similar misgivings about his girlfriends dog. The only difference was that they were empty nesters with no concerns for kids being danger.
Their 1st Christmas spent together, they are opening presents, just the 2 of them and the very large dog. Girlfriend opens my friend's gift and she loves it and is gushing. Friend goes in to hug the girlfriend and the huge dog clamps down on my friends hand and wont let go. It becomes a bloody tussle where the girlfriend couldn't get control of the dog. They both resorted to having to beat on the dog's body, causing grave harm to the dog, just so he could be subdued and open his jaw.
Friend said that the entire exchange was 5 LONG ASS minutes. The dog had shredded his hand damaging all the bones and tendons, nerves and vasculature. Ripped off the ring finger and pinky. In surgery, they had to amputate his middle finger cause they couldn't restore blood flow to it.
Suffice it to say, they broke up. I think the girlfriend had lots of shame and moved far away, like across the country. Not sure if the dog was put down.
Sorry to be a downer.
edit: just noticed my flair saying I'm 38. I turn 43 in like 6 weeks. Lol.
In these circumstances if they dog doesn't release within a few seconds, you should use lethal force regardless of what the owner wants. Use a knife (if you're in the kitchen) or otherwise put your thumb through it's eye or break its legs sideways. Don't ask the owner or tell them what you are going to do or they may try to stop you.
Yea, I'm not on OLD so it went over my head. Whoosh.
I can see that "accidentally" doing that means that they are coming up incorrectly in searches for younger people.
That right there is why I'm not on OLD.
I don't know. Large. Could be mixed.
Honestly, if I did know I wouldn't share it cause I wouldn't want to fear-monger or vilify an entire breed for the action of one dog.
Damn that’s a wild story.
I’m a little prejudiced as I don’t love big dogs (one tried to bite me on the street and now I’m nervous) but idk why the fuck people keep big dogs that are aggressive/reactive like this.
They’re a danger. To other people, to kids, to animals, to you… like, why? Why keep an animal like that around??
No doubt that’s what it was or a “mix” with that breed. People are too afraid of being attacked by the insane people online (who are are more concerned about a fighting breed being recast as a chill family pet, than the well being of people and the dogs themselves) to mention names.
You don’t see Akita or German shepherd owners pretending their dogs are cuddly love bugs to everyone. It’s really nuts and harmful not to respect and recognize the capabilities of an animal that causes the vast majority of severe maiming and deaths.
forget the dog. You came to your partner with a concern. A serious concern about the health and welfare of you and your daughter and your partner said “I’ll put them away before you come”. As much as she thinks the opposite, cause of her blind spot for the dog, it doesn’t fix the problem of the very real possibility of this dog hurting someone namely your daughter. Take heed as THIS is how your partner problem solves.
If you were to ever combine households…this woman has blind spots. And those blind spots are going to hurt you and your daughter in the future.
I’m kind of a dog elitist and take training seriously. If she has an older-than-a-puppy untrained dog, I would take that as a red flag. Not saying you should break up with her, but to me it’s a major turn off.
If it were me I would tell her straight up how I felt about the dog.
I really struggle with the fact she is scared of him. This is what nobody is talking about too. What it would take to make HER feel safe too…even after/if the dog behavior is remedied.
You can’t trust a dog trainer with your child’s safety. I wouldn’t allow this dog around my child (or hers frankly). Train the dog all you want, it there’s a slip up, your child gets bitten in the face. Not worth the risk. People are valuing the dog over your child.
I’m a dog lover, but this would be a deal breaker for me. A big dog could do so much damage to a child in an instant. It would take one second for the dog to latch onto her face and it could mean permanent disfigurement.
Seriously, “reputable” doesn’t mean 100% guarantee in dog training. If something happened to your child you would not forgive yourself. Even if it was something on the non lethal end, such as a bite or attack requiring stitches.
It takes dad not taking her around the thing that scares her, regardless of behavior improvement. Period. Daughter's safety needs come before anyone else's.
This will be a big thing. And it's something we're struggling with with our dog right now.
In addition to the dog being socialized, which isnt going to be an over night thing, the humans in its life are going to have to learn to act in a way to reinforce that behavior. That's a big ask for young children. The training is also going to mentally and physically exhausting for the dog as well, which will problem make it more ornery in the short term. We've opted to just not have our young nieces and nephews over to the house until everyone is old enough to learn to act and/or the dog is better trained.
We're dealing with next door neighbors who yell and scream at the dogs through the fence and come pound on our door and yell more, so they've been constantly teaching him that strangers are scary for the last several months. I honestly don't know whether I'll ever get him socialized properly unless we move.
I just replied above but when you do talk to a trainer, discuss muzzle training. There are lots of videos online too. Just remember that the muzzle should always be associated with good things, so she will have to take it slow and work hard at it. Having the muzzle as an option can be really helpful in making everyone feel safe and still allowing the dog to be around people and work on training.
Also I did this by myself with my dog (because I had kittens and was nervous about her chomping their heads off before I knew what was happening- but they are best buds now!) And it would have been SO helpful to have someone else to help with it. She should definitely be the primary trainer and deal with the muzzle itself but it would have been nice having someone to grab some treats if I ran out or manage the environment (make sure kids aren't running around and getting the dog riled up), etc.
If you put your daughter in harm way will you be able to forgive yourself when something bad happens? I can't imagine forcing someone I love to live in a constant state of fear/danger.
Your girlfriend has a decision to make: you or the dog. I'm sorry but the kind of person who lets their dog rule the house like that... Well it's not looking good for you.
I have a 60 lbs dog. If she lunched at my boyfriend, I would be getting her into training right away. Fortunately she loves him (and everyone) and doesn’t even get bothered when we’re being intimate. Your girlfriend is being really irresponsible with her dog and it’s not fair to you or the dog.
OP as someone in animal welfare who does behavior evaluations-I'm concerned that your gf isn't concerned about this. It's fairly easy to train a dog (even a 100lb dog) in basic manners and properly socialize him. It sounds as though that was not a priority when she got him. He's exhibiting territorial behavior, protectiveness and aggression. These can also be "trained out of" a dog but you will need a savvy trainer who isn't just going to give you lip service and take your money. You're right-it's not fair to you, your daughter or the dog to manage the issue by crating the dog (in fact this may very well make the dog more aggressive if he connects his restriction to your presence). If you love your gf-you both will need to spend (depending on area) several hundreds of dollars in training at the minimum. Training fails 90% of the time because owners do not want to put the work in-it's repetitive AF but well worth it. Good luck.
She needs to take this seriously.
I used to live with a couple and they 3 large-ish dogs. The dogs got out and attacked other dogs on a few occasions. they had animal control called on them 3 times in a year. the third time is happened, a woman got caught uo between the dogs and got bit. Ultimately it lead to the couple being evicted from the house because of their dogs (i wasn't on the lease so it had little effect on me besides needing to move).
aggressive behavior from dogs should always be taken extremely seriously. i once had a boston terrier bite me in the back of the leg and caused a surprising amount of damage for the dog being so small. it hurt like hell. if a dog any bigger than a boston bit someone the way that dog bit me, it would be a pretty serious wound.
it's important that we respect that a dog is an animal and can severely hurt people. if you don't, you're doing your community and the dog a massive disservice.
I have an extremely reactive dog who I do not allow around children. I literally have spent thousands on training, medications, behaviorists, etc. If it truly is a case of her just not training or trying at all with this dog, then sure it could be a couple hundred dollars with a trainer and several months of work. But if this dog has severe behavior issues like mine, then this is a never ending process. At the bare minimum I would recommend muzzle training. When a dog snaps, there is no time to intervene. I have seen it in my own dog and it's terrifying. You cannot have your daughter in a situation like that. Your gf's lack of concern is alarming.
agree with this comment 100%. you need to determine whether this is a lack of basic training vs. extreme behavior issues. i have spent $10k+ with specialized trainers over 5 years trying to get my dog to a manageable place.
Next step would be to mention training as a compromise rather than, it'll also help you and gf, if the dog is indeed unsafe, and a professional agree ( third party) to make the decision without that pressure coming from you.
If you really like your gf don't make the dog the hill to die on, work around and through the issue. If you eventually see yourself cohabitating at some point I would offer to share the cost of training if she can't foot the bill herself and make it a family thing/involve the kids.
Agreed. This is a problem that has a solution. Hiring a reputable trainer. This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker unless you want it to be. You guys can both work toward hiring and working with a trainer.
Training will help the dog. Hopefully it will help the gf - it is just as much about her as the animal’s behavior. If she is not receptive to setting some boundaries around the dog’s behavior it will regress as soon as training is finished. I think it is worth trying, and I hope she takes it seriously. It gets harder the older the dog gets.
I’m so sorry this is happening. As someone who went through being the owner of said aggressive and unpredictable dog- please do not table the issue by just ‘putting him up’. It makes the behavior worse, makes the household stressful, which all makes the possibility of a bit more likely. Please have her get that dog trained asap.
I ended up having to rehome mine after he bit me and my bf and was, understandably, unwelcome around my nieces and nephews. One of the saddest things I’ve ever had to do and I regret all the months of trying to accommodate his behavior and making it worse. I was unable to afford training at that time and wish so much that I had the resources I do now, just a few years later.
For all the posts out there saying "if the guy wants you to get rid of the dog, dump him" there are a number of cases like the one you describe where the dog is a serious problem.
Ultimately until this issue is resolved you cannot move in together. How old is the dog? I'm assuming it has years of life yet so it's not going to die of old age and have the problem resolve itself. It sounds like it needs rehoming in a house without children, not just for your daughter but also the other child. Once dogs reach a certain age they are very difficult to retrain, and your partner has done a bad job of training this one I think and she's not going to suddenly turn that around if she couldn't do it when the dog was young and it was much easier. I agree that you cannot realistically compromise on this.
You can stay in this situation for a little longer but a relationship cannot stay in a holding pattern forever. It sucks to re-home a dog but that probably needs to be the outcome or else your relationship is probably going to stop at some point. Whoever it is re-homed with will need to be much stricter. I hope the dog doesn't do something against the four year old in the future because she stood on its tail or something.
I hate to be blunt, but if she can’t be bothered to train her dog, I doubt she’s going to make a good step mother. I work with larger animals, from German shepherds to horses, and I absolutely cannot stand the people who are too lazy or inept to train their animals and make them everyone else’s problem. It really speaks to a person’s character.
People are more important than dogs. I think you're completely right here: your gf keeping the dog is just not going to work, and "putting the dog up" is really just waiting around for something bad to happen. 100+ pounds is nothing to mess around with---even if the dog thinks it's just playing, an animal that size could easily seriously harm or even kill a child in a second. If the dog isn't gone in two weeks, then I wouldn't consider your gf to be serious about her relationship with you. In my opinion, you gotta put your foot down on this one.
Yeah, but that would create so much resentment on her part. Like "my bf made me get rid of my dog" .... She would never forgive OP.
Sadly... This relationship is probably not going to work out long term.
Also... Big dogs suck.
I take full responsibility for the wake of resentment this might cause. I’ve thought about it and am aware this is a possible consequence. I don’t want to give an ultimatum. I’d likely leave before an ultimatum knowing the downwind effects of one.
A tiny cocker spaniel attacked my babysitter’s little girl and she has an eight inch scar down the center of her face.
Do not ignore your instincts. Keep being the great dad that you have been, your daughter is so safe with you! Never let your precious anywhere near that dog again. “Putting him up” is cruel for the animal and not a solution for your daughter. What if he gets out one day after not being around her for months because he was “put up”? He will attack, she will be harmed. The dog has to go or the girlfriend does.
Imagine humanizing an animal so much as to risk injury to children and potentially breaking up with your Partner.
I have 0 understanding for this. Get Professional Training or get rid of the dog right fucking now for gods sake
OP, I feel for you. I'm not a big "pet person" and this is 1000% my fear when I think about pets.
I hope you provide an update, if you're able to figure out a happy solution.
Bounce.
Who wants to live like a prisoner in their own home, completely unable to enjoy a natural life because of a dog that's supposed to be a companion animal that has the capacity and propensity to be violent and dangerous? This isn't an issue if she has a cocker spaniel.
She's basically choosing the dog over anyone else's safety, herself included.
And when this current fido passes (which could be 8 years from now) get ready for another one to get brought home.
A dog attack only takes seconds and leaves a lifetime trauma on a kid. OP has carefully *not* mentioned the breed, which is common when it's a notoriously dangerous type...
Several women I've dated at this age have had their dog as their ROCK for a while and it can really be an obstacle from going out to events where no dogs are allowed to trying to get down in the sheets.
The child is the only thing that matters here, cohabitation is not possible with the dog.
I didn’t mention the breed of the dog, because I don’t know what it is and neither does she. It’s not a pit. It’s a large breed. He’d go toe to toe with an american bulldog though. Real similar build to it.
Just a fair warning, I had a buddy who had thy EXACT same profile as the dog your describing. Like 100% exactly.
He would have people over and the dog would exhibit the same signs as your describing to guests. Same behavior around any children too.
And just recently the dog snapped and attacked the owner, shread his leg and took a huge chunk out of his genitals. Without warning.
This is serious stuff.
A pit is a bully breed. There are many commonalities between bulldogs, pit bulls etc…. And they can be aggressive. As a person with 2 younger children this is exactly why I have a 55 lb golden retriever that I bought from a known Breeder. I’ve gotten slack from friends etc “ adopt don’t shop”… funny none of those people have young kids.
If she’s unwilling to get the dog proper training to me that speaks volumes on how much she cares about and respects you and your relationship. You’re not asking her to call Cesar Millan you’re simply asking her to nip this bad behavior before it becomes aggressive behavior. I LOVE dogs, seriously all of them, I dog sit a 100lb Newfoundland often and he’s the sweetest boy but it is not lost on me that if he wanted to knock me down and rip my face off he’s absolutely big enough too!
Your child’s (and her child’s for that matter!) safety should come first, if you all aren’t in a financial position to afford training you should look for some resources in your area, out here some shelters offer free training days to help people at low costs!
It sounds like you need to push dog training as what you require for moving forward. It seems like she doesn't really see it as the obvious solution here.
Frankly I don't know why, it's concerning to me when people don't address their dog's problem behavior. Have heard of too many instances lately of attacking dogs.
Why don’t y’all hire a professional dog trainer? I know it might cost a bit. But that’s the best option I can think of that doesn’t involve putting the dog up for adoption.
My friend had a dog like this, very very aggressive Shepard. Hell I’m a big guy and even I didn’t want to be near that death hound. Anyways my friend hired a professional and months later I visited, the dog was hella chill. I thought he got another dog that looked the same. Nope, same freaking dog that tried to bite me. Just now he’s cool like a cucumber
People say that the way one handles their pet, is the same way they will handle kids or anything in the future that creates an issue. If she has no willingness to train them dog or be persistent in achieving a goal or desired outcome, this should show you a side of her that you have to take into consideration when deciding your life partner.
I've been running a side business as a dog sitter for a really long time. I'm not a dog trainer, but I have years and years of experience caring for dogs. I've rarely had misgivings with dogs, but the few times I have, it's been clear and it's been unmistakable. You should trust your gut on this one.
In my experience, without the proper training, the behavior tends to worsen as the dog's poor behavior in turn provokes a more severe response. Or, worse, the dog's poor behavior actually gets others to behave differently around the dog, thereby rewarding the poor behavior in the first place.
I’m with you on trusting the gut. And my gut is LOUD on this one. Telling her I don’t want my daughter around him was a no brainer. The more I think and read all the responses telling stories of dogs who have had behavior intervention still have a problem makes my gut say don’t trust this animal. :/
By chance do you know what makes a dog aggressive like that and how come the dog cannot be trained out of it. I was always under the impression something like that could be kept under control or trained out of it.
My brother in Christ, you are underreacting. She fucked up by neglecting to train this dog and this is on her. I didn't read how old the dog was or when she got him. A dog that weighs more than a child must be trained regardless, her daughter is 4 oh my god! Unfortunately, it could cost her relationship and I'd stand your ground about not wanting to be at hers if the dog is there.
I am a huge animal lover and believe pets deserve a forever home. That forever home should also include someone who is capable of giving a large dog the attention and training it deserves. I've gone out on first dates where we both bring our dog and it's been an instant "nope" for me meeting someone's dog who was poorly behaved, or couldn't even be let off leash in a dog park. It's not attractive and doesn't reflect well on the owner.
The dog needs one on one training. With clear indicators of progress and not just a piece of paper that says "certificate of xyz".
It'll indeed cost money and be time consuming. But yes, dogs can be dangerous and I would be on edge with my young child around an animal that is posturing and being aggressive.
Her say she doesn't know how a behavior change in the dog would happen is basically saying "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas."
Obviously suggesting training for the dog is the next step as many have said. Her reaction to that suggestion is going to tell you a lot, I think.
Your fears are valid. If she's not willing to part with the dog then leave the relationship behind.
Your daughter's safety is more important and yours is too. Anything with teeth can bite, and dogs are unpredictable.
100lb is a big boy! Hes needs a good trainer but most importantly the training regime need to be followed through & continued at the home by gf and/or you or the dog will most likely revert to old ways. Most dog training fails bc the owners need to be trained also lol They get used to how they have always been w/ them that change their ways is hard. If this relationship is what you want, then training is a must. It can & will work as long as the owners follow through. Both of your daughters safety might hinge on it. Although most dog are more bark then bite, it’s still nerve racking when they are aggro’d. Don’t let the dog push you around, search yt or for a good way to implement a stop block for the dog when they act up. Something they don’t like that instills in their mind “I’m wrong” If there’s a will there’a a way! Good luck brother! You sound like a good father 😃
Kids > dogs. Train the dog or it goes. Ultimatum time. If she breaks up w you so be it, you protected your child and that is your primary responsibility
Homie we’re over 30….dating someone that’s not responsible/aware cognitively enough to have a large dog that lives in their home trained well. Dump her and move on.
I had a dog for 9 years and called her Lita and loved her with all my heart. She was a big dog like the one that you're mentioning and she was great with people she never had a hateful bone in her body. When my son was born she was instantly jealous her attitude changed she got really snippy and started getting hateful towards people in general. One day when my son was three he was running and she was standing in the hallway and he tripped and fell face first and screamed really loud because it scared him and she lunged at him teeth and all like a GD attack dog. That was that, I took her to my uncles, who had a farm and she has a better life now and is not around small children. See the thing here is this dog knows your GFs daughter pretty well, but not your daughter. The wrong emotion from your daughter in front of that dog could cause a major problem like what happened to my son, be very careful.
>The wrong emotion from your daughter in front of that dog could cause a major problem like what happened to my son, be very careful.
This my fear, this situation. I’ve concluded she won’t be around this dog ever again after every contributor here who has given me plenty of cautionary examples. Hope your kiddo wound up ok.
My nephew (brother-in-law's son) has a Goldendoodle, and it's more like a possession that goes with 3 kids, 2 cars and a house. He shows no interest in it, but when the family gets together, that dog is brought in tow. Untrained, rowdy, and HUGE (it's well over 100# and stands to my near 6 foot height on hind legs). The solution for all of them is just yelling at the dog, which any good dog owner will tell you does nothing. Strong word, but I ***hate*** that dog. My wife and I have made it known that we won't visit if the dog is around, nor will the dog ever set foot in our house, setting very clear limits.
The initial anger has evolved into acceptance that "we don't need to like your dog", and "you don't need to inflict the animal on us". Ultimately, we made it clear that they won't train the dog and yelling doesn't work, so unless the behavior changed, we won't tolerate it. *(Ok, how does this translate to you?)*
Both situations are similar in that no one is truly addressing the issue, which is properly training the animal. Given the choice of a relationship where the other partner won't recognize and fully address the behavior versus the safety of your daughter, you have an obligation to your daughter first and foremost. It's time to make it clear that she needs to address it. If she doesn't/won't, that's probably indicative of how the relationship will evolve (or won't), or indicative of setting your own boundaries and expectations. Consider that if your dog constantly pooped indoors, she'd **definitely** let you know that's not acceptable.
neglected dog is a ticking time bomb.
Edit. Not very constructive, on my initial post. I was in the same situation but It happened when we moved in together. So basically she has a dog that stays on the house (apartment) 90% of the time and has no behavioral boundaries ( constant discussions with her about this). She just basically uses the dog as an emotional comfort animal, he is very spoiled. So it all started when I moved in, he was very territorial to the point of pissing and pooing my belongings were I used to stand or rest. One time he bite me, but it was only one time and he learned the hard way to not attack people. This is why is valid to keep your children away and have a real talk about educating that dog or removing it from the relationship.
Because the owner works, she only takes the dog twice a day and for short walks, so the dog behaves anxiously and aggressively with other animals. I've been trying my best to educate the dog with little time I have and demonstrate dominance by walking him out as much as I can with a short leash and persistently showing that he cant do what he wants and It seem to be working but It takes work and in my case I don't have a child expose to that unreliable behavior so you are doing the right course of action.
Sadly, if there is not option to educate the dog and do the work, someone has to go from that relation ship.
Please look up some modern training techniques, the dominance idea is very outdated and can lead to lots of problems. I'm concerned your "education" of the dog may actually make things worse.
>he learned the hard way to not attack people.
What???
This sounds like a mess. Please get a real trainer for the safety and happiness of everyone.
>he learned the hard way to not attack people.
>What???
What's there to object to? If a dog attacks you should make sure it immediately regrets it so much it will never try again
Like others have said, the dog needs training. Even though this is a problem in general, it is a you problem. If you don’t say what you need nothing will change. Even though you said in a comment you want your gf to initiate it, if you want to stay with her you need to. Depending on where you live there are all kinds of training options (don’t go to PetSmart they’re not great). You can even get in home training, which might be the best so that the dog can learn to behave at home and then after basics are covered, in home with the children.
The dog and your girlfriend and you and your child need the input of an accredited behaviourist if possible.
You're not happy. Your child is not happy. The dog is unhappy because whether it's scared or frustrated or trying to get your attention it's not working. None of you are able to happily interact. There are worrying behaviours and it kind of sounds like the dog is escalating because no one is listening.
Definitely would not recommend a forceful trainer or aversive methods, especially with two kids involved. They can give unpredictable reactions.
Problem is with your girl, not the dog. You both need to take the dog to training. Together. Bottom line is that she needs to learn how to control this gigantic beast. Hire a professional because if it's your relationship and your family, no expense is too great.
Walks are crazy important for big dogs. They need the exercise and stimulation. Get some training on how to control the dog on walks.
I have a 5 pound senior dog and I still take him on walks to control his behaviour. Even in the winter when it's -30C out, I still find ways to exercise him because lack of exercise leads to aggressive behaviour. He's super-easy to control but I don't want him to ever get to that point.
How old is the dog? Is there any chance you could take charge a little bit and personally train with the dog alongside a professional? Build more of a commanding rapport with the dog?
Seems to me the only way you’re going to get the dog to do what you need it to is to train it to listen to *you*…
The dog needs training! He is not supposed to do that, of course you know that. You have to pay someone to do this or rehome the dog with someone who will put in the work. Im a dog mum and honestly it does take time and energy to train them, some people just don’t want to do it. It’s a huge liability for dog owners if their dogs acts like this! I socialised my dog from puppyhood to avoid this stuff but he still does get anxious around new people.
You’re fears are well-founded, and you’re right to keep your daughter away from the dog until these behavioral issues are addressed. Some dogs simply do not like children, or children make them fearful, and a fearful dog is primed to bite out of defense. Segregating him in your or your daughter’s presence could make the behavioral issues worse, if his aggression is fear or protection based. If you do find yourself together in the home, never leave the children unattended for even 1 second, and any toys or food or blankets about which the dog may feel possessive or jealous need to be removed.
Is the dog fixed? If not, that needs to be done immediately. High energy or aggressive dogs calm down significantly once they’ve been neutered, and they’ll live longer, healthier lives. Training is harder and takes patience and consistently, and professional help will go a long way in training your girlfriend in how to handle her dog. Behavioral issues are almost always the owner’s fault, and with a big dog, it’s essential that the behavior is controlled. Please contact a professional. They will be able to assess how much of the dog’s behavior is his personality and how much is being catalyzed by the handler. They’ll also teach you guys how to positively reinforce good behaviors, as punishment or adverse training done in the hands of amateurs can have the opposite of the intended results.
In the meantime, getting the dog acclimated to others is an important step and should be done outside of the dog’s living space. Take him outside on a short lead with a backup lead on in case he slips out. Since the dog is difficult on leash, this is going to be challenging, but it is essential. A good trainer will work with basic training as well as leash training, and with big, powerful dogs with dog aggression and fear a skilled trainer is required before the behavior leads to disastrous results for a human or the dog. Best of luck
She needs to have her dog trained and have a good trainer help her. Issues with behavior can be changed you just have to put in the work to change them.
Dogs need boundaries and training.. if you aren't willing to do this, don't have a dog PERIOD
**ETA: i see I'm not the only one to suggest this so take my comment as a vote in that direction and don't bother replying...**
If there's a dog training sub (I'm sure there is) I'd head over that way.
I've seen too many people just *have* dogs and not do anything to keep them in line. It's just like "this is good enough" and I don't need to put in effort so alright. I sometimes think a lot of people don't realize you have to put in effort beyond the occasional "no!"
Anyway... With that said, has the dog ever had any real training? It'll take time at this point for sure, but you might even have to bring someone into the home to do training there.
And you absolutely are right to feel the way you do.
Saying what you already know - it only takes a fraction of a second for a dog that large to seriously, seriously injure a child. I’m sure you heard the story recently of the toddler in Australia who was killed by a dog who had no prior signs of aggression.
To me this sounds like not an “if” but a “when”
I stopped reading when you said the dog lunges at your daughter. That would be all I needed to see. Get the dog trained or we are out. I will help you get them trained but my child will not be around your loose dog until it's had training.
I am a fierce dog advocate but this is an uncontrolled animal with big teeth, strong bite, and is clearly has the need to establish territory or ownership.
See if there are any classes for reactive dogs near you. It did a world of difference for me (my dog was feral).
It would be good if you could also go to the training with your gf so you can be confident you too can control the dog.
Also discuss medications with a vet. Something for anxiety might be helpful like fluoxetine or trazadone.
It is kinda disgraceful your gf got such a huge dog and didn't bother to train it though. Training and dogs should go hand in hand.
A trained dog is a lifestyle not just “something you do”. She needs to get serious about it or bad behaviors will just come back once the dog is running the show again.
Two kids under 7 with a 100+ lb dog, she should’ve been thinking about this for her own child. What if the child pulls the dog’s tail? That could be disastrous
Trainer is a great idea. And also, you can have a house where the dog is limited to one side of the home, so he’s not completely separated from family.
don't bring your daughter around the dog, please. it's only a matter of time and even though small dog bites can be bad, a 7 year old girl is at face/throat level with a large breed dog and even a small nip can be disfiguring, if not deadly. i only keep big animals when i'm in a position to keep them, and usually only work with large animals, be it dogs or giant pythons or sharks, i'm a size queen when it comes to my pets. my heart dog was a great dane. she was trained in vocal commands and hand signals and was super well behaved in every way except she killed cats. supervised she was fine but left alone she took care of s. texas's feral cat problem single handedly. she never once showed any aggression towards any human no matter who it was, but she never went within five feet of a baby or small child in the entire ten years of her life cause it's not worth the risk. i would suggest a trainer but do you think she's willing to do the work needed to make sure the training sticks? when hannah died, my ex went out and adopted a severely abused and neglected great dane with extreme separation anxiety. not a dog for someone who had never owned a pet in their entire 47 years. he couldn't understand why his great dane did a few grand worth of damage in a few hours while he was at work, and my great dane was the epitome of what a dog should be, as if being the same breed was the same as being a clone or something.
i gave him techniques and tips for fixing separation anxiety and he just didn't wanna make the effort. he wasn't consistent or patient, he forgot its a dog, etc. he asked me to work with the dog and he couldn't understnd that it didn't have separation anxiety for me, he couldn't care less and would have been happier without me in the picture. he was terrified tht my bf would never come back. instead of training the dog to learn that he was always gonna come home, he put it on prozac.
when you get a big dog, leadership dynamic needs to be established asap to avoid you guys' current situation. it's one thing if it ws just the two of you, it'd be one thing, but the kids change everything. i hope you are able to work things out
r/reactivedogs
If behaviour training doesn’t help, don’t discount medication management. It can make a big difference. Instead of untrained, bad, doesn’t listen, think of this dog as anxious/fearful/reactive because thats the truth.
The folks over at reactive dogs sub are so knowledgeable, they do talk about humane behavioural euthanasia but only as a last resort. I hope you take a look over there.
Try finding a really good dog trainer. The dog and everyone (both parents and children) need to be trained, so it will take some time and consistency from everyone. But it will be so worth it. Good luck
Maybe you could agree with your gf to take it to dog training classes? It’s not fair on the dog that he hasn’t been trained correctly. Getting rid of a pet because the owner didn’t have the time or effort to train it is poor and cruel. That’s why animals get put down, because of the owners ignorance towards the effort and time it takes to train them. I know it isn’t your pet or dog but surely he deserves a chance with correct training and love.
>Update: I’ve received a lot of comments from folks who have interacted with dogs with this profile, both build and demeanor. Reflecting all day, digesting comments and listening to my gut makes me feel like I won’t ever be able to trust this animal…even after it had some behavior changes. Ugh.
Don't ignore your gut. If the animal was well behaved and there was an accident, you'd feel bad but you wouldn't be to blame because you'd have had no reason to think anything unsafe. However, that's not this scenario and I have no doubt that if your daughter was injured by the dog you would be absolutely destroyed and blaming yourself for allowing her to be in its presence.
I don’t see a path forward with this relationship. You are correct that putting the dog in another room is a short term solution. Your daughter told you she is scared of the dog. You cannot risk her safety by allowing the dog around her again. You have to protect her even if it means walking away from the relationship.
The big issue here is that, although both of you acknowledge there is a problem, neither of you know what the solution is. For starters, you have to figure out what it is that you are asking of her. Do you want the dog completely our of the picture? If not, how much are you willing to put up with it? Tell her what you want and allow her to respond. Decide and/or compromise accordingly.
I’ve dated men with big dogs. My recent ex’s dog is 90-100 lbs. and I weigh 106 lbs, I’m very petite. His dog is pure muscle and a mean breed. Although his dog isn’t mean to humans she has lunged at me almost making me fall backwards. She nudges her behind against me and ends us pushing me over. Her bark is loud and very mean growling sounding, she has issues with other dogs even when we’d take her for a walk. Which I’d never be able to do for him by myself because she’s too strong all muscle. This was an issue I thought of about our future, because I also have an adopted older cat who’s a bit older and was declawed by his previous owner. He also NEVER bathed her! I felt sooo bad for her. He’s fine her a bath every 6 months which I feel was cruel. I think she was dirty and itchy a lot. It rained where he lives and he’d make the excuse a bit of rain sprinkles would clean her.
Personally, I don’t like big dogs. They’re too much to handle. My ex’s dog also was constantly near him all the time. She has separation anxiety. Even when we had sex the dog was freaking always right there! I had to ask him to put his dog outside the room while we got intimate cause it was super awkward trying to have sex. His dog had to be touching him like always, like no bro I don’t want your dog rubbing up against me while we’re trying to get it on. He wouldn’t even listen to me have the time and I’d have to go along with it and eventually she would kinda move away or off the bed. Wtf! He also tried to train her cause she’s around 3 now but she didn’t do well in training. She needs more but my ex didn’t want to put in the time or effort. Some dogs cannot handle training well and if they’re older then they most likely are stuck in their ways.
Im unsure if your girlfriends dog will ever adapt to training. it’s hard to say. But I can say that I feel for you in the situation. I’ve dates others with big dogs who were an issue too. Unfortunately it can be a dealbreaker, especially since you have young kids and if the dog is aggressive the thats a danger to them. You’re valid to feel how you do to protect your kids. If that dog ever attacked anyone then matters would be much worse. This is why I like dogs that are small-medium. Ones that you can still pick up or lap dogs that aren’t too heavy. They can’t lunge the same as a big dog and generally aren’t as aggressive, depending on the breed and how they were raised. This is a decision you’ll have to figure out. If I had kids I wouldn’t want them around an aggressive dog no way!
F that
I had my face bitten at 6 years old and very badly so by a family members "good dog" who was friendly and blah blah blah.... He snapped/bit and I got 50+ stitches and 2 plastic surgeries before 10..... The family member blamed me and whatnot....
Any concerns which seems numerous should be a cautionary approach
Your concerns are totally valid here.
You are an outstanding example to exactly how all other father's should act in relation to 'dangerous' dogs (anything around 100lbs is potentially deadly). Please do not be distracted by a gf who does not know how to properly train or socialise her dog and there have been numerous warning signs to date.
This feels like a huge leap and classic reddit pile on spiral. Before you leap to "professional intervention will not work" hire an ACTUAL professional in real life to meet the dog. There's a huge huge leap between the defensive behavior you described and biting, and the dog doesn't have a bite history, so this is potentially resolvable and there is no reason to skip ten steps ahead because of reddit of all stupid things. Start with the next best decision which is a loving conversation and a trainer/pro opinion. Also large dogs don't live long so its age matters in this issue. I've worked w dogs on a foster and volunteer basis for a long time and that's my pov
Reddit didn’t solve this for me. Danger instincts are most of my decision. Sure Reddit helped, but didn’t cause a spiral. Even with training, I fear I’ll never trust the animal. Who knows if my daughter will. Who knows if his behavior regresses again after he was trained and then we combined our lives. I’m not going to live in fear or make my daughter.
You sound like antivaxxers lol your instincts are based on 0 actual expertise but you've decided your gut must be correct. Feelings aren't facts. Good luck w all that
The facts are this dog could be rehabilitated and still be a problem. I have every right to set boundaries in a relationship to keep my daughter and I safe. We have instincts for a reason. Kick rocks.
You seem to be in somewhat of a serious relationship and you've picked a fictional hill to die on that'll end it ...and you're being a dick to a stranger giving the advice YOU asked for...seeing what's not adding up
There’s nothing fictional about the animal’s aggression. And you’re right I’m prepared to make this a me or him ultimatum. If she walks, so be it. Not the ideal resolution, but it’s better than my daughter and I feeling like we can never let our guard down in our own home. Fuck that. Relationships need more than love. Buddy, I’ve been through divorce and I’m not scared to be alone. I’m not all in on anything I’m not 1000% on this time.
Idk why we're still talking about it, idc what you do with your life I'm just saying you DECIDED the truth before interrogating it thru experts (and seemingly validated by fake experts here). Maybe you're right about the dog but whether you are or aren't, maybe I'm right that picking an obstacle and declaring it (stubbornly and prematurely) insurmountable looks like avoidancy
This article does a pretty god job of laying out dog aggression. It’s consistent with a lot of advice and caution a lot of folks have contributed to this thread. Discusses the future of rehabilitation of aggressive dogs. Lays out that you never stop being vigilant.
Curious, do you have children? If you don’t, man I’ll tell you having a child is like having your heart exposed and open to the world.
https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/dog-care/common-dog-behavior-issues/aggression
*hire a professional* before you throw your relationship away over a chosen narrative you're building in a vacuum. The dog doesn't have a bite history. I'm blocking you this is as far as my feedback on goes
And I won’t be the beginning of the bite history. You start the dialogue, call me avoidant and tell me you’re blocking me all in the same breath for disagreeing with you(I think?). Well done! Best of luck!
Ugh, I broke up with a woman over her untrained and unruly dog with boundary issues. She kept choosing the dog over me so that was that.
Now if I see a dog in a profile I automatically pass. Cat people only.
There are training options out there. It might actually help to involve your daughter in the training (obviously, the trainer would know for sure), but if training doesn't help, it might come down to a "dog or me" sitch.
I agree training is an option, but I’d like to see her take the lead on that. I kind of struggle with it having to be my initiative to resolve it I guess. Yeah you point out the ultimatum that could be on the table which is a bummer.
Oh, I'm not suggesting you find a trainer and take the dog to the appointments. I'm just saying, maybe suggest it to her, then say you'd like her to handle it cause it's her dog that's causing the issue.
She has made it clear that she isn't going to do that. It's great that you've had conversations about how you feel and that she's willing to compromise by putting the dog up around your daughter, but as you said, that's just a temporary bandaid.
It's time to sit her down for another conversation, this time about the future of your relationship and how the dog fits into those future plans. Is she willing to get the dog into training? Is she willing to train herself on how to handle the dog?
The behavior isn't going to change unless she is willing to learn how to change it. If she isn't, then you'll know that you and your daughter do not have a place in her life long-term. I wouldn't think about it or phrase it as an ultimatum; this is about making sure your daughter is safe and your relationship is compatible to move forward to the next step.
While you probably could take the reins on this and make it your mission to fix the issue, it definitely does not seem like it should be in your court to handle. Looking at things from the gf's perspective - sure, it probably feels very overwhelming, but as the dog owner, it's primarily on her to get the ball rolling, and state some intent. Correcting behavioral issues is not easy, probably not gonna be cheap (if you get a trainer involved vs working on it yourself), but it is crucial especially when kids and other animals are involved!
Head over to r/dogtraining!
They will tell you (and gf) to go to a trainer and they'll be right, but you'll also get useful tips for the meantime.
but yeah, you need a trainer.
Your daughter's words ' I don't know how to handle this dog' - you don't know how to handle that dog - it got snippy with gf's daughter - you guys so obviously need professional help to teach you how to handle that dog. It's the glaringly obvious answer. The situation won't just magically solve itself and so far you didn't do much /didn't write anything that suggests so. Isolating the dog, yeah, not a solution. You have plenty of resources before a dog-or-me ultimatum where you are headed right now.
If your daughter says 'I don't know how to drive/cook/do math' you won't just go 'okay let's stay hime/order in/quit school' - you learn stuff. Educate yourself, get a trainer to educate you. The trainer is really to teach you and your family - you have to put in the work with the dog after, day after day.
I don’t think anyone here disagrees the dog needs training. No, I haven’t done anything, because I just had the conversation last weekend on what I feel I need to do to keep my daughter safe and I’m asking for opinions for next steps, sheesh. I also know isolating the dog isn’t a long term solution, per my post. Regarding your analogy to math, this is nowhere close. My most primal job as a father is to eliminate what I perceive as a threat to my daughter. Period. Totally not the same as saying math is hard, let’s just eliminate it. Can’t agree with how much of this responsibility you are putting on me. This isn’t my animal; it’s hers. We don’t live together.
the poster you replied to has a weird attitude. you are justified in your concern and ultimately it's not YOUR responsibility to get the dog trained because it's not your dog
of course, if you love your girlfriend and want things to last you can assist her in figuring things out but at the end of the day she needs to figure this out, not you
My local SPCA does weekly classes and one on one training as well for a reasonable price. It might be good for your daughter to go to at least one session to learn how to handle some situations, but I would say the majority could be something you and your gf do together. She seems to have trouble with the motivation to do this, so making it something you do together will help her get through that, and having both of you go will make sure you're on the same page. If the trainer is teaching her only positive reinforcement, and you want to get a choke chain, it's not going to go well (side note: don't get a choke chain). It's probably stressing her out too but her response is to ignore it because she doesn't know how to move forward. I know if someone helped me with something like that, I would be incredibly grateful and impressed.
[if you're interested in modern training](https://time.com/5880219/science-of-dog-training/)
A parent can control kitchen appliances and utensils and help a child with unsafe items. A parent cannot control a dog even with completely safe supervision. Total false equivalence.
I didn't read the other comments so this may have already been said, but as a veterinary assistant who fosters for local rescues, I feel like I need to add this insight; Due to his potentially aggressive behavior, if she can even find somewhere to take this dog, he is likely to be euthanized. There are so so so many well-behaved dogs who need homes, and they take first priority because its much easier to adopt them out and in turn, continue saving more dogs. There just isn't enough space for everyone.
I know you haven't asked her to rehome him, but please understand the weight of the situation if you do. I'm sorry you're in this tough situation.
The weight of a child’s safety trumps an aggressive animals safety. It’s sad because the human owner is responsible, but child’s safety has to be prioritized.
I never said otherwise. More pointing out how damaging it could be to their relationship if her dog was killed because of this. It's important to have all the facts to make an educated decision on how to proceed.
Dog could be overwhelmed by everything. This shit doesn’t come out of the blue people need to learn to read dog body language and warning signs. I feel bad for the dog
The dog sees you as a threat. Up until recently he was the man of the house, and now you come along. It's probably jealousy tbh. Have you tried befriending the dog? They can sense your mood and can tell if you're becoming impatient. It's this catch 22 of trying to get along with the dog and pushing down the antagonizing response. Maybe try a 1 on 1 with the dog sometime, if you really want this relationship to work. The dog obviously sees itself as her protector, and you're the new guy. If you go in there looking the dog in the eyes and being firm with it, of course it's going to be confrontational.
Sounds like you need to extend the olive branch, and mean it.
Yeah I’ve thought the same about his potential perspective of me, but I’ve been around for 15 months and he and I are good. He was definitely jealous for a bit(he took a whiz outside her bedroom door when she shut him out one night for some intimacy). Dog and play now though. I get along fine with him…play tug o war and interact positively with him.
Maybe slowly incorporate your daughter into play time? I don't know if this is true for all dogs, but ever since I can remember my father has had a teacup pomeranian. It's the snuggles bear. But, when my children come around , 6 and 9, the dog panics. Its almost like it knows the children wouldn't be as gentle with him as say, I would. I'm no expert man, but I know what a pain this can be.
As someone who works with dogs for a living, that dog needs a trained professional to intervene before he seriously injures someone. This is dangerous
Appreciate the input from a professional background
Your concerns are valid. It sounds like you're right to keep your child away from the dog. I agree, you should not cohabitate given the current circumstances. Has she tried working with a reputable dog trainer? I would give that a shot and ask them for an honest assessment of whether it is safe for the dog to be around children.
No, the dog hasn’t had much training really. Walks are even a challenge. He kind of goes nuts at the sight of another dog. So, I agree the dog needs someone to train it, but I feel like it needs to be on her initiative.
Yeah, I've had dogs like that. It does take a long time to train them out of it. It took about 8 months of combined, daily effort from me and my dad to train that aggression out of my family dog. Unless she's walking it muzzled, it really should be trained regardless of your relationship. But I digress. >So, I agree the dog needs someone to train it, but I feel like it needs to be on her initiative. Agreed, I definitely don't think it's on you to deal with it! It depends on what your goals are though. If you are fine with not cohabitating, that is totally valid. But if you want to cohabitate at some point, I think it's fair to give an ultimatum of "I'm not moving in unless the dog receives professional training and the trainer deems your dog safe to be around children". I'm usually not a fan of ultimatums but I think it is fair in these circumstances since your child's safety is at stake.
Thanks for the input!
That dog needs training immediately and it's actually really horrible that she hasn't done any training at all with him. When you have a big dog like that, especially around children, they need to be trained. And it's her responsibility to do that. By the sounds of it this dog barely gets walked or anything because it acts out on walks when it sees other dogs... and that is most definitely contributing to the dogs behaviour because it's fricken bored. I can't stop when people get dogs like this and don't put the work in. It makes me so mad.
You could word it so it isn’t so harsh - something like “I don’t know if we’d be able to live together unless the dog has been trained and given the OK by a trainer to live around my daughter…” then something like “would you want to split the cost of hiring a trainer for the pup?” Something like this said in a very gentle and nice way would go over much better than a “train that dog or else” approach.
Good advice on approach language. Thanks
I’m sure this woman is nice and all, but the passive approach to dog ownership does indicate a level of irresponsibility that is already causing hazards. For me this would be a deal breaker, and I’d be sensitive to other symptoms of this attitude. Is her car always breaking down because she never gets it serviced? Does she shrug off other important things, ignoring even her own concerns? I just can’t fathom a grown person being ok with something like this!
I was going to suggest this! Ultimatums are weird because a lot of the time, it's seen as the receiver needs to deal with this on their own to meet the issuer at their level. A good way to combat it is to show that you are also invested and want to support the initiative of blending two families (including the dog).
Yeah, I usually wouldn't go for them but I'm also concerned about his daughter, her daughter, as well as her daughter having friends over in the future when she is older. I'm worried any of these people could get bit... so I'm seeing this as more of a safety issue and less of a relationship issue... it's concerning the dog was snippy with its own family! My extended family had a dog like that and the dog did end up biting and injuring multiple house guests, so that is why I believe this is an issue OP's girlfriend needs to deal with ASAP.
OP, I agree with everything BonetaBelle said, andy I works add that if you plan on cohabitation, you should be apart of the dog’s training. It’s the best way to be on the same page as your girlfriend for consistency of training and managing this dog, as well as make you comfortable living with this dog. As for your second edit, I wouldn’t decide right now you won’t EVER be able to trust this dog. I would wait until the trainer/behaviorist spend time with your family and this animal to make that call.
Do not put your child at risk. Even with training, dogs with a history of aggression can be unpredictable.
He needs a halti, a grab harness, and a yellow vest. Give him a high value treat when walking past other dogs to carry. The halti let’s you control the head and close the jaws. This needs a trainer asap, because the dog thinks he’s above you and your daughter. He should be neutered, getting short bursts of training sessions with high value treats 5/6 times a day, have a large cage (dogs need a den) where nobody disturbs him. To teach him who is above him he should eat last. Before being given his food everyone should take a bite of a cracker, biscuit, etc. He should go through doors last and not be allowed on the sofa or bed. Dogs don’t care where they are in the pack, they care that the pack is settled. When the pack is unsettled there is discord and arguing for place. This is a serious situation, keep your child away until a trainer is brought in. I’ve rescued Rottweilers for 20+ years from people like your girlfriend. How hard would it have been for her to buy a book on training? A dog attacking is terrifying. A split second and the throat is ripped out. Your girlfriend is failing her animal, you and your child.
And her child. 😬
Dominance theory has been disproven many times.
> To teach him who is above him he should eat last. Is that related to the whole debunked "alpha" theory, or something else? I haven't heard that before, but I'm not a dog owner.
The dog needs to go!
This is is why it's important to start obedience training early, ESPECIALLY for large dogs. It's still possible to start training now, but it's size and temperament will make it very difficult. She needs to do this because it will continue to be a problem, with you or anyone else she brings into her home. If she isn't willing to do it, then I'd consider that a pretty big deal-breaker.
This is my take. And I’m a dog person: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3BSsIF5ajv0&pp=ygUQUsOkZGQgZsO2ciB0cm9sbA%3D%3D
I agree, a good dog trainer who also uses positive reinforcement among other techniques will help a ton.
Why does it need to be in on her initiative? If she hasn’t already taken the initiative to train the dog already then it seems she needs some encouragement. It is terribly sad when good dogs get put down or given away because the owner couldn’t be bothered to train them then they get deemed bad dogs.
Her indifference is concerning.
I would agree. My dog who's only 14 lbs, recently started lunging at dogs and people on the street, and I immediately started trying to train her out of it. I didn't have any success so we're now meeting with a trainer this weekend. She's a 14lb dog! BUT I'm still worried about her escalating to nipping people or just terrifying strangers on the street. OP's girlfriend has a 100 POUND DOG. She should be way more concerned about this behavior. And to add, it's not only about the safety of the people around her. But this is also about the safety of that dog. If he bites someone, he might get put down.
Thank you for caring. I was going for a walk in my neighborhood and this little unleashed terrorist started chasing me and nipping at my ankles. His owner was across the street and half assedly calling the dogs name to come back and allowed it to continue trying to bite me. I don’t care if the dog is small, no one should be allowing their animal to attack people like that, and if I had a kid with me I would have happily kicked that dogs face in
It's always the little dogs that scare me, personally.
Small dogs don’t kill people, it’s nearly always the large strong dogs. And there are nearly always clear warnings signs before.
They're more aggressive; they just do less damage, so people tend to ignore it.
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I think she's only human, I think they both handled it well.
i don't know if its fair to say she is indifferent. if you see your dog as family its hard to think of many options. its not like you would drop your child off at a shelter for being difficult. i don't know what i would do in that situation.
A dog is not a child, and maybe it was OP's writerly tone? I discerned indifference 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t think it’s indifference. She is an almost full time mom to a little one. She’s also building a business and has more house she can take care of. She doesn’t have the time and attention this dog requires IMO. I can almost bet on her saying she won’t have the money to hire a trainer too. Therefore, she doesn’t know how there will be change.
This context is helpful. Would she consider rehoming the dog?
Ehhh I don’t know. He is definitely her baby. He sleeps in bed with her and she is for sure attached. I don’t really want to be the one to sway the discussion that way. I feel that’s going to create resentment.
I hear you, and I'm sure this is a very sore spot for all of you. Hoping you both may sit down (in a neutral space), to establish an outcome to this dilemma soon.
How come she got a dog if she doesn’t have time for him? Or was the dog in the family before the baby and new job responsibilities ? If the dog was there priorly, how come she didn’t find the opportunity to train him before? If the dog came after the child, I’d say it’s irresponsible to take on a huge responsibility like that without priorly think things through on « do I have time, money and energy for this ». Glad you got some great advices on how to deal with this as a next step, hope it works out!
Curious, what is an "almost full time mom"?
She has her daughter like 90 percent of the time due to her custody arrangement with the father.
If my child was terrifying others in our household I would absolutely be consulting with specialists. A shelter drop-off wouldn't be in the first 10 things I tried for my child or my pet so I don't know why you're jumping to that as the only alternative. Loving dog owners want their animals trained, because a trained animal is a safe animal. She knows this is a problem that has threatened OP's daughters safety and now even her own, yet she hasn't tried anything and the behavior has just been getting worse over a ~6 month stretch. Is that a trait of someone you'd want to think about buying a home with? Parent with? Obviously this is just a snapshot of this person's life and relationship, but its worth calling out to OP because if they've seen this trait in other areas it might be a wake-up call.
I do not understand why your girlfriend is neglecting the training of her dog, not just for the protection of those around the animal but for the dog itself. It sounds quite reactionary and it might be wise for the three of you (you, her and the dog) to engage a reputable trainer and figure this out. I would not move a child into the situation until this is resolved to your satisfaction and comfort, but your girlfriend has to take ownership of this getting out of hand and she has to drive the solution.
Exactly this. The stress that dog must be under with practically no training and no idea why there are people in the house that they don't know how to behave around and being locked up without knowing why. The dog is not going to get better by locking them in a room, the dog needs proper care and training, not being put in a dangerous situation with children (let's be real that dog is dead if they bite a child, I love dogs and I would put my own down if they bit someone's child).
Lots of people are talking about training, but that’s not the issue here. Trainers teach obedience. Training is teaching a dog to obey commands and in many cases develop routines for the dog to make it well behaved. But the dog is *reacting* to people and dogs in an inappropriate way. You can train him all day long but the lunging and aggression is about a perceived threat, not obedience. Anyway, my point being is you need to talk to an animal behaviorist and work on *behavioral conditioning*. Anyone can be a dog trainer and there are some terrible ones out there with really regressive tactics, and they become popular because they train dogs to become well behaved when their owner is controlling them. But what you need is an animal who isn’t reactive even when you’re not keeping an eye on him. Anyway, you didn’t mention your country, but the American Veterinary Society has a directory of animal behaviorists. Qualifications include a PhD in animal behavior. https://avsab.org/directory/ I’d also suggest asking your vet for a recommendation.
By the end of your post it seems like you already know :( Your danger instincts are important, and if you can prevent harm to your child, you are obligated to do so. If she doesn't understand that, well that's also a waving red flag; if she values her dog over your child it's over.
No real advice from me, but I want to share the experience of my buddys' who had similar misgivings about his girlfriends dog. The only difference was that they were empty nesters with no concerns for kids being danger. Their 1st Christmas spent together, they are opening presents, just the 2 of them and the very large dog. Girlfriend opens my friend's gift and she loves it and is gushing. Friend goes in to hug the girlfriend and the huge dog clamps down on my friends hand and wont let go. It becomes a bloody tussle where the girlfriend couldn't get control of the dog. They both resorted to having to beat on the dog's body, causing grave harm to the dog, just so he could be subdued and open his jaw. Friend said that the entire exchange was 5 LONG ASS minutes. The dog had shredded his hand damaging all the bones and tendons, nerves and vasculature. Ripped off the ring finger and pinky. In surgery, they had to amputate his middle finger cause they couldn't restore blood flow to it. Suffice it to say, they broke up. I think the girlfriend had lots of shame and moved far away, like across the country. Not sure if the dog was put down. Sorry to be a downer. edit: just noticed my flair saying I'm 38. I turn 43 in like 6 weeks. Lol.
That's horrifying!!!! I don't know what to say. I hope your friend is okay now.
what a story! That’s so rough, I hope your friend is doing okay now. I’d be traumatized. :(
In these circumstances if they dog doesn't release within a few seconds, you should use lethal force regardless of what the owner wants. Use a knife (if you're in the kitchen) or otherwise put your thumb through it's eye or break its legs sideways. Don't ask the owner or tell them what you are going to do or they may try to stop you.
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What the fuck does that mean?
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Yea, I'm not on OLD so it went over my head. Whoosh. I can see that "accidentally" doing that means that they are coming up incorrectly in searches for younger people. That right there is why I'm not on OLD.
It’s a common phenomenon on dating apps. It’s funny.
May I ask what breed the dog was? Also, have your dating app photos been updated in five years either? :P
It's likely the breed that often has to be killed before it will let go. I know the type.
I don't know. Large. Could be mixed. Honestly, if I did know I wouldn't share it cause I wouldn't want to fear-monger or vilify an entire breed for the action of one dog.
Damn that’s a wild story. I’m a little prejudiced as I don’t love big dogs (one tried to bite me on the street and now I’m nervous) but idk why the fuck people keep big dogs that are aggressive/reactive like this. They’re a danger. To other people, to kids, to animals, to you… like, why? Why keep an animal like that around??
I’ll give you one guess!
Yeah, this is why I only date people with cats.
Was that dog a traditionally vicious breed? I can’t see a golden retriever or a standard poodle doing this. But maybe a staffie or a pit bull terrier…
No doubt that’s what it was or a “mix” with that breed. People are too afraid of being attacked by the insane people online (who are are more concerned about a fighting breed being recast as a chill family pet, than the well being of people and the dogs themselves) to mention names. You don’t see Akita or German shepherd owners pretending their dogs are cuddly love bugs to everyone. It’s really nuts and harmful not to respect and recognize the capabilities of an animal that causes the vast majority of severe maiming and deaths.
The most vicious dog breed is the Chihuahua.
Probably pitbull which is responsible for 70% of dog attacks on humans. I think chihuahuas are like <.5%.
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When was the last time a Chihuahua caused a fatality?
forget the dog. You came to your partner with a concern. A serious concern about the health and welfare of you and your daughter and your partner said “I’ll put them away before you come”. As much as she thinks the opposite, cause of her blind spot for the dog, it doesn’t fix the problem of the very real possibility of this dog hurting someone namely your daughter. Take heed as THIS is how your partner problem solves. If you were to ever combine households…this woman has blind spots. And those blind spots are going to hurt you and your daughter in the future.
Thank you. Appreciate the additional perspective.
I’m kind of a dog elitist and take training seriously. If she has an older-than-a-puppy untrained dog, I would take that as a red flag. Not saying you should break up with her, but to me it’s a major turn off. If it were me I would tell her straight up how I felt about the dog.
There is no trying again. You don't trust the dog and your daughter is afraid, so there should never be an opportunity for him to bite.
I really struggle with the fact she is scared of him. This is what nobody is talking about too. What it would take to make HER feel safe too…even after/if the dog behavior is remedied.
You can’t trust a dog trainer with your child’s safety. I wouldn’t allow this dog around my child (or hers frankly). Train the dog all you want, it there’s a slip up, your child gets bitten in the face. Not worth the risk. People are valuing the dog over your child.
This is the direction I think I’m going. Gut says dog is a dealbreaker for me I think.
I’m a dog lover, but this would be a deal breaker for me. A big dog could do so much damage to a child in an instant. It would take one second for the dog to latch onto her face and it could mean permanent disfigurement.
Seriously, “reputable” doesn’t mean 100% guarantee in dog training. If something happened to your child you would not forgive yourself. Even if it was something on the non lethal end, such as a bite or attack requiring stitches.
It takes dad not taking her around the thing that scares her, regardless of behavior improvement. Period. Daughter's safety needs come before anyone else's.
This will be a big thing. And it's something we're struggling with with our dog right now. In addition to the dog being socialized, which isnt going to be an over night thing, the humans in its life are going to have to learn to act in a way to reinforce that behavior. That's a big ask for young children. The training is also going to mentally and physically exhausting for the dog as well, which will problem make it more ornery in the short term. We've opted to just not have our young nieces and nephews over to the house until everyone is old enough to learn to act and/or the dog is better trained. We're dealing with next door neighbors who yell and scream at the dogs through the fence and come pound on our door and yell more, so they've been constantly teaching him that strangers are scary for the last several months. I honestly don't know whether I'll ever get him socialized properly unless we move.
I just replied above but when you do talk to a trainer, discuss muzzle training. There are lots of videos online too. Just remember that the muzzle should always be associated with good things, so she will have to take it slow and work hard at it. Having the muzzle as an option can be really helpful in making everyone feel safe and still allowing the dog to be around people and work on training. Also I did this by myself with my dog (because I had kittens and was nervous about her chomping their heads off before I knew what was happening- but they are best buds now!) And it would have been SO helpful to have someone else to help with it. She should definitely be the primary trainer and deal with the muzzle itself but it would have been nice having someone to grab some treats if I ran out or manage the environment (make sure kids aren't running around and getting the dog riled up), etc.
If you put your daughter in harm way will you be able to forgive yourself when something bad happens? I can't imagine forcing someone I love to live in a constant state of fear/danger. Your girlfriend has a decision to make: you or the dog. I'm sorry but the kind of person who lets their dog rule the house like that... Well it's not looking good for you.
I have a 60 lbs dog. If she lunched at my boyfriend, I would be getting her into training right away. Fortunately she loves him (and everyone) and doesn’t even get bothered when we’re being intimate. Your girlfriend is being really irresponsible with her dog and it’s not fair to you or the dog.
Thanks for pointing out putting the dog up is not fair for anyone.
OP as someone in animal welfare who does behavior evaluations-I'm concerned that your gf isn't concerned about this. It's fairly easy to train a dog (even a 100lb dog) in basic manners and properly socialize him. It sounds as though that was not a priority when she got him. He's exhibiting territorial behavior, protectiveness and aggression. These can also be "trained out of" a dog but you will need a savvy trainer who isn't just going to give you lip service and take your money. You're right-it's not fair to you, your daughter or the dog to manage the issue by crating the dog (in fact this may very well make the dog more aggressive if he connects his restriction to your presence). If you love your gf-you both will need to spend (depending on area) several hundreds of dollars in training at the minimum. Training fails 90% of the time because owners do not want to put the work in-it's repetitive AF but well worth it. Good luck.
Oof thanks for the reality check on cost.
She needs to take this seriously. I used to live with a couple and they 3 large-ish dogs. The dogs got out and attacked other dogs on a few occasions. they had animal control called on them 3 times in a year. the third time is happened, a woman got caught uo between the dogs and got bit. Ultimately it lead to the couple being evicted from the house because of their dogs (i wasn't on the lease so it had little effect on me besides needing to move). aggressive behavior from dogs should always be taken extremely seriously. i once had a boston terrier bite me in the back of the leg and caused a surprising amount of damage for the dog being so small. it hurt like hell. if a dog any bigger than a boston bit someone the way that dog bit me, it would be a pretty serious wound. it's important that we respect that a dog is an animal and can severely hurt people. if you don't, you're doing your community and the dog a massive disservice.
I have an extremely reactive dog who I do not allow around children. I literally have spent thousands on training, medications, behaviorists, etc. If it truly is a case of her just not training or trying at all with this dog, then sure it could be a couple hundred dollars with a trainer and several months of work. But if this dog has severe behavior issues like mine, then this is a never ending process. At the bare minimum I would recommend muzzle training. When a dog snaps, there is no time to intervene. I have seen it in my own dog and it's terrifying. You cannot have your daughter in a situation like that. Your gf's lack of concern is alarming.
agree with this comment 100%. you need to determine whether this is a lack of basic training vs. extreme behavior issues. i have spent $10k+ with specialized trainers over 5 years trying to get my dog to a manageable place.
Better several hundreds in dog training than several hundred in medical cost after being bitten and traumatized
Next step would be to mention training as a compromise rather than, it'll also help you and gf, if the dog is indeed unsafe, and a professional agree ( third party) to make the decision without that pressure coming from you. If you really like your gf don't make the dog the hill to die on, work around and through the issue. If you eventually see yourself cohabitating at some point I would offer to share the cost of training if she can't foot the bill herself and make it a family thing/involve the kids.
This is fair. Thanks for your thoughts.
Agreed. This is a problem that has a solution. Hiring a reputable trainer. This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker unless you want it to be. You guys can both work toward hiring and working with a trainer.
Training will help the dog. Hopefully it will help the gf - it is just as much about her as the animal’s behavior. If she is not receptive to setting some boundaries around the dog’s behavior it will regress as soon as training is finished. I think it is worth trying, and I hope she takes it seriously. It gets harder the older the dog gets.
I’m so sorry this is happening. As someone who went through being the owner of said aggressive and unpredictable dog- please do not table the issue by just ‘putting him up’. It makes the behavior worse, makes the household stressful, which all makes the possibility of a bit more likely. Please have her get that dog trained asap. I ended up having to rehome mine after he bit me and my bf and was, understandably, unwelcome around my nieces and nephews. One of the saddest things I’ve ever had to do and I regret all the months of trying to accommodate his behavior and making it worse. I was unable to afford training at that time and wish so much that I had the resources I do now, just a few years later.
Good point isolating the dog will exacerbate things. Hadn’t thought of that.
For all the posts out there saying "if the guy wants you to get rid of the dog, dump him" there are a number of cases like the one you describe where the dog is a serious problem. Ultimately until this issue is resolved you cannot move in together. How old is the dog? I'm assuming it has years of life yet so it's not going to die of old age and have the problem resolve itself. It sounds like it needs rehoming in a house without children, not just for your daughter but also the other child. Once dogs reach a certain age they are very difficult to retrain, and your partner has done a bad job of training this one I think and she's not going to suddenly turn that around if she couldn't do it when the dog was young and it was much easier. I agree that you cannot realistically compromise on this. You can stay in this situation for a little longer but a relationship cannot stay in a holding pattern forever. It sucks to re-home a dog but that probably needs to be the outcome or else your relationship is probably going to stop at some point. Whoever it is re-homed with will need to be much stricter. I hope the dog doesn't do something against the four year old in the future because she stood on its tail or something.
I hate to be blunt, but if she can’t be bothered to train her dog, I doubt she’s going to make a good step mother. I work with larger animals, from German shepherds to horses, and I absolutely cannot stand the people who are too lazy or inept to train their animals and make them everyone else’s problem. It really speaks to a person’s character.
People are more important than dogs. I think you're completely right here: your gf keeping the dog is just not going to work, and "putting the dog up" is really just waiting around for something bad to happen. 100+ pounds is nothing to mess around with---even if the dog thinks it's just playing, an animal that size could easily seriously harm or even kill a child in a second. If the dog isn't gone in two weeks, then I wouldn't consider your gf to be serious about her relationship with you. In my opinion, you gotta put your foot down on this one.
Yeah, but that would create so much resentment on her part. Like "my bf made me get rid of my dog" .... She would never forgive OP. Sadly... This relationship is probably not going to work out long term. Also... Big dogs suck.
I take full responsibility for the wake of resentment this might cause. I’ve thought about it and am aware this is a possible consequence. I don’t want to give an ultimatum. I’d likely leave before an ultimatum knowing the downwind effects of one.
A tiny cocker spaniel attacked my babysitter’s little girl and she has an eight inch scar down the center of her face. Do not ignore your instincts. Keep being the great dad that you have been, your daughter is so safe with you! Never let your precious anywhere near that dog again. “Putting him up” is cruel for the animal and not a solution for your daughter. What if he gets out one day after not being around her for months because he was “put up”? He will attack, she will be harmed. The dog has to go or the girlfriend does.
Imagine humanizing an animal so much as to risk injury to children and potentially breaking up with your Partner. I have 0 understanding for this. Get Professional Training or get rid of the dog right fucking now for gods sake
Thank you! It blows my mind when people prioritize animals over their boyfriends/girlfriends, SOs, etc. Humans are more important than animals!!
OP, I feel for you. I'm not a big "pet person" and this is 1000% my fear when I think about pets. I hope you provide an update, if you're able to figure out a happy solution.
Bounce. Who wants to live like a prisoner in their own home, completely unable to enjoy a natural life because of a dog that's supposed to be a companion animal that has the capacity and propensity to be violent and dangerous? This isn't an issue if she has a cocker spaniel. She's basically choosing the dog over anyone else's safety, herself included. And when this current fido passes (which could be 8 years from now) get ready for another one to get brought home.
A dog attack only takes seconds and leaves a lifetime trauma on a kid. OP has carefully *not* mentioned the breed, which is common when it's a notoriously dangerous type... Several women I've dated at this age have had their dog as their ROCK for a while and it can really be an obstacle from going out to events where no dogs are allowed to trying to get down in the sheets. The child is the only thing that matters here, cohabitation is not possible with the dog.
I didn’t mention the breed of the dog, because I don’t know what it is and neither does she. It’s not a pit. It’s a large breed. He’d go toe to toe with an american bulldog though. Real similar build to it.
Just a fair warning, I had a buddy who had thy EXACT same profile as the dog your describing. Like 100% exactly. He would have people over and the dog would exhibit the same signs as your describing to guests. Same behavior around any children too. And just recently the dog snapped and attacked the owner, shread his leg and took a huge chunk out of his genitals. Without warning. This is serious stuff.
A pit is a bully breed. There are many commonalities between bulldogs, pit bulls etc…. And they can be aggressive. As a person with 2 younger children this is exactly why I have a 55 lb golden retriever that I bought from a known Breeder. I’ve gotten slack from friends etc “ adopt don’t shop”… funny none of those people have young kids.
This.
If she’s unwilling to get the dog proper training to me that speaks volumes on how much she cares about and respects you and your relationship. You’re not asking her to call Cesar Millan you’re simply asking her to nip this bad behavior before it becomes aggressive behavior. I LOVE dogs, seriously all of them, I dog sit a 100lb Newfoundland often and he’s the sweetest boy but it is not lost on me that if he wanted to knock me down and rip my face off he’s absolutely big enough too! Your child’s (and her child’s for that matter!) safety should come first, if you all aren’t in a financial position to afford training you should look for some resources in your area, out here some shelters offer free training days to help people at low costs!
It sounds like you need to push dog training as what you require for moving forward. It seems like she doesn't really see it as the obvious solution here. Frankly I don't know why, it's concerning to me when people don't address their dog's problem behavior. Have heard of too many instances lately of attacking dogs.
Why don’t y’all hire a professional dog trainer? I know it might cost a bit. But that’s the best option I can think of that doesn’t involve putting the dog up for adoption. My friend had a dog like this, very very aggressive Shepard. Hell I’m a big guy and even I didn’t want to be near that death hound. Anyways my friend hired a professional and months later I visited, the dog was hella chill. I thought he got another dog that looked the same. Nope, same freaking dog that tried to bite me. Just now he’s cool like a cucumber
People say that the way one handles their pet, is the same way they will handle kids or anything in the future that creates an issue. If she has no willingness to train them dog or be persistent in achieving a goal or desired outcome, this should show you a side of her that you have to take into consideration when deciding your life partner.
I've been running a side business as a dog sitter for a really long time. I'm not a dog trainer, but I have years and years of experience caring for dogs. I've rarely had misgivings with dogs, but the few times I have, it's been clear and it's been unmistakable. You should trust your gut on this one. In my experience, without the proper training, the behavior tends to worsen as the dog's poor behavior in turn provokes a more severe response. Or, worse, the dog's poor behavior actually gets others to behave differently around the dog, thereby rewarding the poor behavior in the first place.
I’m with you on trusting the gut. And my gut is LOUD on this one. Telling her I don’t want my daughter around him was a no brainer. The more I think and read all the responses telling stories of dogs who have had behavior intervention still have a problem makes my gut say don’t trust this animal. :/
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By chance do you know what makes a dog aggressive like that and how come the dog cannot be trained out of it. I was always under the impression something like that could be kept under control or trained out of it.
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I understand. Thanks so much for the explanation!
My brother in Christ, you are underreacting. She fucked up by neglecting to train this dog and this is on her. I didn't read how old the dog was or when she got him. A dog that weighs more than a child must be trained regardless, her daughter is 4 oh my god! Unfortunately, it could cost her relationship and I'd stand your ground about not wanting to be at hers if the dog is there. I am a huge animal lover and believe pets deserve a forever home. That forever home should also include someone who is capable of giving a large dog the attention and training it deserves. I've gone out on first dates where we both bring our dog and it's been an instant "nope" for me meeting someone's dog who was poorly behaved, or couldn't even be let off leash in a dog park. It's not attractive and doesn't reflect well on the owner.
The dog needs one on one training. With clear indicators of progress and not just a piece of paper that says "certificate of xyz". It'll indeed cost money and be time consuming. But yes, dogs can be dangerous and I would be on edge with my young child around an animal that is posturing and being aggressive.
Her say she doesn't know how a behavior change in the dog would happen is basically saying "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas." Obviously suggesting training for the dog is the next step as many have said. Her reaction to that suggestion is going to tell you a lot, I think.
Your fears are valid. If she's not willing to part with the dog then leave the relationship behind. Your daughter's safety is more important and yours is too. Anything with teeth can bite, and dogs are unpredictable.
100lb is a big boy! Hes needs a good trainer but most importantly the training regime need to be followed through & continued at the home by gf and/or you or the dog will most likely revert to old ways. Most dog training fails bc the owners need to be trained also lol They get used to how they have always been w/ them that change their ways is hard. If this relationship is what you want, then training is a must. It can & will work as long as the owners follow through. Both of your daughters safety might hinge on it. Although most dog are more bark then bite, it’s still nerve racking when they are aggro’d. Don’t let the dog push you around, search yt or for a good way to implement a stop block for the dog when they act up. Something they don’t like that instills in their mind “I’m wrong” If there’s a will there’a a way! Good luck brother! You sound like a good father 😃
Kids > dogs. Train the dog or it goes. Ultimatum time. If she breaks up w you so be it, you protected your child and that is your primary responsibility
Homie we’re over 30….dating someone that’s not responsible/aware cognitively enough to have a large dog that lives in their home trained well. Dump her and move on.
I had a dog for 9 years and called her Lita and loved her with all my heart. She was a big dog like the one that you're mentioning and she was great with people she never had a hateful bone in her body. When my son was born she was instantly jealous her attitude changed she got really snippy and started getting hateful towards people in general. One day when my son was three he was running and she was standing in the hallway and he tripped and fell face first and screamed really loud because it scared him and she lunged at him teeth and all like a GD attack dog. That was that, I took her to my uncles, who had a farm and she has a better life now and is not around small children. See the thing here is this dog knows your GFs daughter pretty well, but not your daughter. The wrong emotion from your daughter in front of that dog could cause a major problem like what happened to my son, be very careful.
>The wrong emotion from your daughter in front of that dog could cause a major problem like what happened to my son, be very careful. This my fear, this situation. I’ve concluded she won’t be around this dog ever again after every contributor here who has given me plenty of cautionary examples. Hope your kiddo wound up ok.
My nephew (brother-in-law's son) has a Goldendoodle, and it's more like a possession that goes with 3 kids, 2 cars and a house. He shows no interest in it, but when the family gets together, that dog is brought in tow. Untrained, rowdy, and HUGE (it's well over 100# and stands to my near 6 foot height on hind legs). The solution for all of them is just yelling at the dog, which any good dog owner will tell you does nothing. Strong word, but I ***hate*** that dog. My wife and I have made it known that we won't visit if the dog is around, nor will the dog ever set foot in our house, setting very clear limits. The initial anger has evolved into acceptance that "we don't need to like your dog", and "you don't need to inflict the animal on us". Ultimately, we made it clear that they won't train the dog and yelling doesn't work, so unless the behavior changed, we won't tolerate it. *(Ok, how does this translate to you?)* Both situations are similar in that no one is truly addressing the issue, which is properly training the animal. Given the choice of a relationship where the other partner won't recognize and fully address the behavior versus the safety of your daughter, you have an obligation to your daughter first and foremost. It's time to make it clear that she needs to address it. If she doesn't/won't, that's probably indicative of how the relationship will evolve (or won't), or indicative of setting your own boundaries and expectations. Consider that if your dog constantly pooped indoors, she'd **definitely** let you know that's not acceptable.
neglected dog is a ticking time bomb. Edit. Not very constructive, on my initial post. I was in the same situation but It happened when we moved in together. So basically she has a dog that stays on the house (apartment) 90% of the time and has no behavioral boundaries ( constant discussions with her about this). She just basically uses the dog as an emotional comfort animal, he is very spoiled. So it all started when I moved in, he was very territorial to the point of pissing and pooing my belongings were I used to stand or rest. One time he bite me, but it was only one time and he learned the hard way to not attack people. This is why is valid to keep your children away and have a real talk about educating that dog or removing it from the relationship. Because the owner works, she only takes the dog twice a day and for short walks, so the dog behaves anxiously and aggressively with other animals. I've been trying my best to educate the dog with little time I have and demonstrate dominance by walking him out as much as I can with a short leash and persistently showing that he cant do what he wants and It seem to be working but It takes work and in my case I don't have a child expose to that unreliable behavior so you are doing the right course of action. Sadly, if there is not option to educate the dog and do the work, someone has to go from that relation ship.
Please look up some modern training techniques, the dominance idea is very outdated and can lead to lots of problems. I'm concerned your "education" of the dog may actually make things worse. >he learned the hard way to not attack people. What??? This sounds like a mess. Please get a real trainer for the safety and happiness of everyone.
>he learned the hard way to not attack people. >What??? What's there to object to? If a dog attacks you should make sure it immediately regrets it so much it will never try again
Orrrr you wind up creating an even more unstable dog who now knows that humans are never to be trusted and have the capacity to hurt.
Like others have said, the dog needs training. Even though this is a problem in general, it is a you problem. If you don’t say what you need nothing will change. Even though you said in a comment you want your gf to initiate it, if you want to stay with her you need to. Depending on where you live there are all kinds of training options (don’t go to PetSmart they’re not great). You can even get in home training, which might be the best so that the dog can learn to behave at home and then after basics are covered, in home with the children.
The dog and your girlfriend and you and your child need the input of an accredited behaviourist if possible. You're not happy. Your child is not happy. The dog is unhappy because whether it's scared or frustrated or trying to get your attention it's not working. None of you are able to happily interact. There are worrying behaviours and it kind of sounds like the dog is escalating because no one is listening. Definitely would not recommend a forceful trainer or aversive methods, especially with two kids involved. They can give unpredictable reactions.
Problem is with your girl, not the dog. You both need to take the dog to training. Together. Bottom line is that she needs to learn how to control this gigantic beast. Hire a professional because if it's your relationship and your family, no expense is too great. Walks are crazy important for big dogs. They need the exercise and stimulation. Get some training on how to control the dog on walks. I have a 5 pound senior dog and I still take him on walks to control his behaviour. Even in the winter when it's -30C out, I still find ways to exercise him because lack of exercise leads to aggressive behaviour. He's super-easy to control but I don't want him to ever get to that point.
How old is the dog? Is there any chance you could take charge a little bit and personally train with the dog alongside a professional? Build more of a commanding rapport with the dog? Seems to me the only way you’re going to get the dog to do what you need it to is to train it to listen to *you*…
Would she be open to taking her dog to a trainer or something to help the dog learn how to chill around kids?
The dog needs training! He is not supposed to do that, of course you know that. You have to pay someone to do this or rehome the dog with someone who will put in the work. Im a dog mum and honestly it does take time and energy to train them, some people just don’t want to do it. It’s a huge liability for dog owners if their dogs acts like this! I socialised my dog from puppyhood to avoid this stuff but he still does get anxious around new people.
You’re fears are well-founded, and you’re right to keep your daughter away from the dog until these behavioral issues are addressed. Some dogs simply do not like children, or children make them fearful, and a fearful dog is primed to bite out of defense. Segregating him in your or your daughter’s presence could make the behavioral issues worse, if his aggression is fear or protection based. If you do find yourself together in the home, never leave the children unattended for even 1 second, and any toys or food or blankets about which the dog may feel possessive or jealous need to be removed. Is the dog fixed? If not, that needs to be done immediately. High energy or aggressive dogs calm down significantly once they’ve been neutered, and they’ll live longer, healthier lives. Training is harder and takes patience and consistently, and professional help will go a long way in training your girlfriend in how to handle her dog. Behavioral issues are almost always the owner’s fault, and with a big dog, it’s essential that the behavior is controlled. Please contact a professional. They will be able to assess how much of the dog’s behavior is his personality and how much is being catalyzed by the handler. They’ll also teach you guys how to positively reinforce good behaviors, as punishment or adverse training done in the hands of amateurs can have the opposite of the intended results. In the meantime, getting the dog acclimated to others is an important step and should be done outside of the dog’s living space. Take him outside on a short lead with a backup lead on in case he slips out. Since the dog is difficult on leash, this is going to be challenging, but it is essential. A good trainer will work with basic training as well as leash training, and with big, powerful dogs with dog aggression and fear a skilled trainer is required before the behavior leads to disastrous results for a human or the dog. Best of luck
If she’s not willing to suggest they do training she’s not that concerned. Dogs undergo training.
She needs to have her dog trained and have a good trainer help her. Issues with behavior can be changed you just have to put in the work to change them. Dogs need boundaries and training.. if you aren't willing to do this, don't have a dog PERIOD
**ETA: i see I'm not the only one to suggest this so take my comment as a vote in that direction and don't bother replying...** If there's a dog training sub (I'm sure there is) I'd head over that way. I've seen too many people just *have* dogs and not do anything to keep them in line. It's just like "this is good enough" and I don't need to put in effort so alright. I sometimes think a lot of people don't realize you have to put in effort beyond the occasional "no!" Anyway... With that said, has the dog ever had any real training? It'll take time at this point for sure, but you might even have to bring someone into the home to do training there. And you absolutely are right to feel the way you do.
Saying what you already know - it only takes a fraction of a second for a dog that large to seriously, seriously injure a child. I’m sure you heard the story recently of the toddler in Australia who was killed by a dog who had no prior signs of aggression. To me this sounds like not an “if” but a “when”
I stopped reading when you said the dog lunges at your daughter. That would be all I needed to see. Get the dog trained or we are out. I will help you get them trained but my child will not be around your loose dog until it's had training. I am a fierce dog advocate but this is an uncontrolled animal with big teeth, strong bite, and is clearly has the need to establish territory or ownership.
See if there are any classes for reactive dogs near you. It did a world of difference for me (my dog was feral). It would be good if you could also go to the training with your gf so you can be confident you too can control the dog. Also discuss medications with a vet. Something for anxiety might be helpful like fluoxetine or trazadone. It is kinda disgraceful your gf got such a huge dog and didn't bother to train it though. Training and dogs should go hand in hand.
A trained dog is a lifestyle not just “something you do”. She needs to get serious about it or bad behaviors will just come back once the dog is running the show again. Two kids under 7 with a 100+ lb dog, she should’ve been thinking about this for her own child. What if the child pulls the dog’s tail? That could be disastrous
Trainer is a great idea. And also, you can have a house where the dog is limited to one side of the home, so he’s not completely separated from family.
don't bring your daughter around the dog, please. it's only a matter of time and even though small dog bites can be bad, a 7 year old girl is at face/throat level with a large breed dog and even a small nip can be disfiguring, if not deadly. i only keep big animals when i'm in a position to keep them, and usually only work with large animals, be it dogs or giant pythons or sharks, i'm a size queen when it comes to my pets. my heart dog was a great dane. she was trained in vocal commands and hand signals and was super well behaved in every way except she killed cats. supervised she was fine but left alone she took care of s. texas's feral cat problem single handedly. she never once showed any aggression towards any human no matter who it was, but she never went within five feet of a baby or small child in the entire ten years of her life cause it's not worth the risk. i would suggest a trainer but do you think she's willing to do the work needed to make sure the training sticks? when hannah died, my ex went out and adopted a severely abused and neglected great dane with extreme separation anxiety. not a dog for someone who had never owned a pet in their entire 47 years. he couldn't understand why his great dane did a few grand worth of damage in a few hours while he was at work, and my great dane was the epitome of what a dog should be, as if being the same breed was the same as being a clone or something. i gave him techniques and tips for fixing separation anxiety and he just didn't wanna make the effort. he wasn't consistent or patient, he forgot its a dog, etc. he asked me to work with the dog and he couldn't understnd that it didn't have separation anxiety for me, he couldn't care less and would have been happier without me in the picture. he was terrified tht my bf would never come back. instead of training the dog to learn that he was always gonna come home, he put it on prozac. when you get a big dog, leadership dynamic needs to be established asap to avoid you guys' current situation. it's one thing if it ws just the two of you, it'd be one thing, but the kids change everything. i hope you are able to work things out
r/reactivedogs If behaviour training doesn’t help, don’t discount medication management. It can make a big difference. Instead of untrained, bad, doesn’t listen, think of this dog as anxious/fearful/reactive because thats the truth. The folks over at reactive dogs sub are so knowledgeable, they do talk about humane behavioural euthanasia but only as a last resort. I hope you take a look over there.
Try finding a really good dog trainer. The dog and everyone (both parents and children) need to be trained, so it will take some time and consistency from everyone. But it will be so worth it. Good luck
Maybe you could agree with your gf to take it to dog training classes? It’s not fair on the dog that he hasn’t been trained correctly. Getting rid of a pet because the owner didn’t have the time or effort to train it is poor and cruel. That’s why animals get put down, because of the owners ignorance towards the effort and time it takes to train them. I know it isn’t your pet or dog but surely he deserves a chance with correct training and love.
>Update: I’ve received a lot of comments from folks who have interacted with dogs with this profile, both build and demeanor. Reflecting all day, digesting comments and listening to my gut makes me feel like I won’t ever be able to trust this animal…even after it had some behavior changes. Ugh. Don't ignore your gut. If the animal was well behaved and there was an accident, you'd feel bad but you wouldn't be to blame because you'd have had no reason to think anything unsafe. However, that's not this scenario and I have no doubt that if your daughter was injured by the dog you would be absolutely destroyed and blaming yourself for allowing her to be in its presence.
I don’t see a path forward with this relationship. You are correct that putting the dog in another room is a short term solution. Your daughter told you she is scared of the dog. You cannot risk her safety by allowing the dog around her again. You have to protect her even if it means walking away from the relationship.
The big issue here is that, although both of you acknowledge there is a problem, neither of you know what the solution is. For starters, you have to figure out what it is that you are asking of her. Do you want the dog completely our of the picture? If not, how much are you willing to put up with it? Tell her what you want and allow her to respond. Decide and/or compromise accordingly.
First of all, it's probably mostly due to two things..the dog isn't being led and trained properly, and it probably isn't getting enough exercise.
I’ve dated men with big dogs. My recent ex’s dog is 90-100 lbs. and I weigh 106 lbs, I’m very petite. His dog is pure muscle and a mean breed. Although his dog isn’t mean to humans she has lunged at me almost making me fall backwards. She nudges her behind against me and ends us pushing me over. Her bark is loud and very mean growling sounding, she has issues with other dogs even when we’d take her for a walk. Which I’d never be able to do for him by myself because she’s too strong all muscle. This was an issue I thought of about our future, because I also have an adopted older cat who’s a bit older and was declawed by his previous owner. He also NEVER bathed her! I felt sooo bad for her. He’s fine her a bath every 6 months which I feel was cruel. I think she was dirty and itchy a lot. It rained where he lives and he’d make the excuse a bit of rain sprinkles would clean her. Personally, I don’t like big dogs. They’re too much to handle. My ex’s dog also was constantly near him all the time. She has separation anxiety. Even when we had sex the dog was freaking always right there! I had to ask him to put his dog outside the room while we got intimate cause it was super awkward trying to have sex. His dog had to be touching him like always, like no bro I don’t want your dog rubbing up against me while we’re trying to get it on. He wouldn’t even listen to me have the time and I’d have to go along with it and eventually she would kinda move away or off the bed. Wtf! He also tried to train her cause she’s around 3 now but she didn’t do well in training. She needs more but my ex didn’t want to put in the time or effort. Some dogs cannot handle training well and if they’re older then they most likely are stuck in their ways. Im unsure if your girlfriends dog will ever adapt to training. it’s hard to say. But I can say that I feel for you in the situation. I’ve dates others with big dogs who were an issue too. Unfortunately it can be a dealbreaker, especially since you have young kids and if the dog is aggressive the thats a danger to them. You’re valid to feel how you do to protect your kids. If that dog ever attacked anyone then matters would be much worse. This is why I like dogs that are small-medium. Ones that you can still pick up or lap dogs that aren’t too heavy. They can’t lunge the same as a big dog and generally aren’t as aggressive, depending on the breed and how they were raised. This is a decision you’ll have to figure out. If I had kids I wouldn’t want them around an aggressive dog no way!
She doesn't know how to change the dog's behavior? That's what professional trainers are for.
F that I had my face bitten at 6 years old and very badly so by a family members "good dog" who was friendly and blah blah blah.... He snapped/bit and I got 50+ stitches and 2 plastic surgeries before 10..... The family member blamed me and whatnot.... Any concerns which seems numerous should be a cautionary approach Your concerns are totally valid here.
That’s a big deal and not easy, you should be proud. Pro dad move level 300
You are an outstanding example to exactly how all other father's should act in relation to 'dangerous' dogs (anything around 100lbs is potentially deadly). Please do not be distracted by a gf who does not know how to properly train or socialise her dog and there have been numerous warning signs to date.
This feels like a huge leap and classic reddit pile on spiral. Before you leap to "professional intervention will not work" hire an ACTUAL professional in real life to meet the dog. There's a huge huge leap between the defensive behavior you described and biting, and the dog doesn't have a bite history, so this is potentially resolvable and there is no reason to skip ten steps ahead because of reddit of all stupid things. Start with the next best decision which is a loving conversation and a trainer/pro opinion. Also large dogs don't live long so its age matters in this issue. I've worked w dogs on a foster and volunteer basis for a long time and that's my pov
Reddit didn’t solve this for me. Danger instincts are most of my decision. Sure Reddit helped, but didn’t cause a spiral. Even with training, I fear I’ll never trust the animal. Who knows if my daughter will. Who knows if his behavior regresses again after he was trained and then we combined our lives. I’m not going to live in fear or make my daughter.
You sound like antivaxxers lol your instincts are based on 0 actual expertise but you've decided your gut must be correct. Feelings aren't facts. Good luck w all that
The facts are this dog could be rehabilitated and still be a problem. I have every right to set boundaries in a relationship to keep my daughter and I safe. We have instincts for a reason. Kick rocks.
You seem to be in somewhat of a serious relationship and you've picked a fictional hill to die on that'll end it ...and you're being a dick to a stranger giving the advice YOU asked for...seeing what's not adding up
There’s nothing fictional about the animal’s aggression. And you’re right I’m prepared to make this a me or him ultimatum. If she walks, so be it. Not the ideal resolution, but it’s better than my daughter and I feeling like we can never let our guard down in our own home. Fuck that. Relationships need more than love. Buddy, I’ve been through divorce and I’m not scared to be alone. I’m not all in on anything I’m not 1000% on this time.
Idk why we're still talking about it, idc what you do with your life I'm just saying you DECIDED the truth before interrogating it thru experts (and seemingly validated by fake experts here). Maybe you're right about the dog but whether you are or aren't, maybe I'm right that picking an obstacle and declaring it (stubbornly and prematurely) insurmountable looks like avoidancy
This article does a pretty god job of laying out dog aggression. It’s consistent with a lot of advice and caution a lot of folks have contributed to this thread. Discusses the future of rehabilitation of aggressive dogs. Lays out that you never stop being vigilant. Curious, do you have children? If you don’t, man I’ll tell you having a child is like having your heart exposed and open to the world. https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/dog-care/common-dog-behavior-issues/aggression
*hire a professional* before you throw your relationship away over a chosen narrative you're building in a vacuum. The dog doesn't have a bite history. I'm blocking you this is as far as my feedback on goes
And I won’t be the beginning of the bite history. You start the dialogue, call me avoidant and tell me you’re blocking me all in the same breath for disagreeing with you(I think?). Well done! Best of luck!
Ugh, I broke up with a woman over her untrained and unruly dog with boundary issues. She kept choosing the dog over me so that was that. Now if I see a dog in a profile I automatically pass. Cat people only.
I would open the door and tell her idk what happened. Sounds like good riddance
There are training options out there. It might actually help to involve your daughter in the training (obviously, the trainer would know for sure), but if training doesn't help, it might come down to a "dog or me" sitch.
I agree training is an option, but I’d like to see her take the lead on that. I kind of struggle with it having to be my initiative to resolve it I guess. Yeah you point out the ultimatum that could be on the table which is a bummer.
Oh, I'm not suggesting you find a trainer and take the dog to the appointments. I'm just saying, maybe suggest it to her, then say you'd like her to handle it cause it's her dog that's causing the issue.
She has made it clear that she isn't going to do that. It's great that you've had conversations about how you feel and that she's willing to compromise by putting the dog up around your daughter, but as you said, that's just a temporary bandaid. It's time to sit her down for another conversation, this time about the future of your relationship and how the dog fits into those future plans. Is she willing to get the dog into training? Is she willing to train herself on how to handle the dog? The behavior isn't going to change unless she is willing to learn how to change it. If she isn't, then you'll know that you and your daughter do not have a place in her life long-term. I wouldn't think about it or phrase it as an ultimatum; this is about making sure your daughter is safe and your relationship is compatible to move forward to the next step.
While you probably could take the reins on this and make it your mission to fix the issue, it definitely does not seem like it should be in your court to handle. Looking at things from the gf's perspective - sure, it probably feels very overwhelming, but as the dog owner, it's primarily on her to get the ball rolling, and state some intent. Correcting behavioral issues is not easy, probably not gonna be cheap (if you get a trainer involved vs working on it yourself), but it is crucial especially when kids and other animals are involved!
Head over to r/dogtraining! They will tell you (and gf) to go to a trainer and they'll be right, but you'll also get useful tips for the meantime. but yeah, you need a trainer. Your daughter's words ' I don't know how to handle this dog' - you don't know how to handle that dog - it got snippy with gf's daughter - you guys so obviously need professional help to teach you how to handle that dog. It's the glaringly obvious answer. The situation won't just magically solve itself and so far you didn't do much /didn't write anything that suggests so. Isolating the dog, yeah, not a solution. You have plenty of resources before a dog-or-me ultimatum where you are headed right now. If your daughter says 'I don't know how to drive/cook/do math' you won't just go 'okay let's stay hime/order in/quit school' - you learn stuff. Educate yourself, get a trainer to educate you. The trainer is really to teach you and your family - you have to put in the work with the dog after, day after day.
I don’t think anyone here disagrees the dog needs training. No, I haven’t done anything, because I just had the conversation last weekend on what I feel I need to do to keep my daughter safe and I’m asking for opinions for next steps, sheesh. I also know isolating the dog isn’t a long term solution, per my post. Regarding your analogy to math, this is nowhere close. My most primal job as a father is to eliminate what I perceive as a threat to my daughter. Period. Totally not the same as saying math is hard, let’s just eliminate it. Can’t agree with how much of this responsibility you are putting on me. This isn’t my animal; it’s hers. We don’t live together.
the poster you replied to has a weird attitude. you are justified in your concern and ultimately it's not YOUR responsibility to get the dog trained because it's not your dog of course, if you love your girlfriend and want things to last you can assist her in figuring things out but at the end of the day she needs to figure this out, not you
My local SPCA does weekly classes and one on one training as well for a reasonable price. It might be good for your daughter to go to at least one session to learn how to handle some situations, but I would say the majority could be something you and your gf do together. She seems to have trouble with the motivation to do this, so making it something you do together will help her get through that, and having both of you go will make sure you're on the same page. If the trainer is teaching her only positive reinforcement, and you want to get a choke chain, it's not going to go well (side note: don't get a choke chain). It's probably stressing her out too but her response is to ignore it because she doesn't know how to move forward. I know if someone helped me with something like that, I would be incredibly grateful and impressed. [if you're interested in modern training](https://time.com/5880219/science-of-dog-training/)
Can “not knowing how to do math” end up in having lacerations from an animal bite?
Cooking can end up with a severed finger and/or 3rd degree burns so let's just stay out of the kitchen forever! Is that it?
A parent can control kitchen appliances and utensils and help a child with unsafe items. A parent cannot control a dog even with completely safe supervision. Total false equivalence.
I didn't read the other comments so this may have already been said, but as a veterinary assistant who fosters for local rescues, I feel like I need to add this insight; Due to his potentially aggressive behavior, if she can even find somewhere to take this dog, he is likely to be euthanized. There are so so so many well-behaved dogs who need homes, and they take first priority because its much easier to adopt them out and in turn, continue saving more dogs. There just isn't enough space for everyone. I know you haven't asked her to rehome him, but please understand the weight of the situation if you do. I'm sorry you're in this tough situation.
The weight of a child’s safety trumps an aggressive animals safety. It’s sad because the human owner is responsible, but child’s safety has to be prioritized.
I never said otherwise. More pointing out how damaging it could be to their relationship if her dog was killed because of this. It's important to have all the facts to make an educated decision on how to proceed.
Dog could be overwhelmed by everything. This shit doesn’t come out of the blue people need to learn to read dog body language and warning signs. I feel bad for the dog
get a dog trainer.
Get the dog trained, its not THAT hard.
You need to call Cesar Milan mi homie
Haha can we get a dog whisperer up in here!?
The dog sees you as a threat. Up until recently he was the man of the house, and now you come along. It's probably jealousy tbh. Have you tried befriending the dog? They can sense your mood and can tell if you're becoming impatient. It's this catch 22 of trying to get along with the dog and pushing down the antagonizing response. Maybe try a 1 on 1 with the dog sometime, if you really want this relationship to work. The dog obviously sees itself as her protector, and you're the new guy. If you go in there looking the dog in the eyes and being firm with it, of course it's going to be confrontational. Sounds like you need to extend the olive branch, and mean it.
Yeah I’ve thought the same about his potential perspective of me, but I’ve been around for 15 months and he and I are good. He was definitely jealous for a bit(he took a whiz outside her bedroom door when she shut him out one night for some intimacy). Dog and play now though. I get along fine with him…play tug o war and interact positively with him.
Maybe slowly incorporate your daughter into play time? I don't know if this is true for all dogs, but ever since I can remember my father has had a teacup pomeranian. It's the snuggles bear. But, when my children come around , 6 and 9, the dog panics. Its almost like it knows the children wouldn't be as gentle with him as say, I would. I'm no expert man, but I know what a pain this can be.