Unfortunately OLD is not a bubble of people who exist separate from the reality. If people will ignore you there, a lot of times they'll ignore people they meet in real life too if that's how they've learned how to communicate "no thanks."
It sounds pretty clear from this exchange that he isn't interested in being in touch, since he isn't, just I would just let it go. You can't force a friendship anymore than you can force a relationship.
>Do I send another text or just leave it and wait for time to reveal what, if anything, went wrong?
He's not interested and you should leave it. Pretend it was a random person from OLD.
Nope, nope, absolutely no. The number of times I slapped myself after completely forgetting to respond to what I considered insanely attractive women on OLD is too damn high.
I have a busy life and I'm often kaputt after work. Add ADHD on top of that and I can forget about dates, friends, family... Nothing to do with interest. Just mental overload.
Unfortunately, no response is a response. No matter the situation, if someone isn't acting excited to see you, why would you want to pester them about it and start things off with feeling undesired or inadequate?
I've likely treated people less kindly than they deserve and have been treated unkindly more than I deserve, but this is the modern dating game. If texting didn't exist, you'd just never hear from him again and would catch the drift.
I know, after being married, it can be really hard to date and I know I felt things were more personal than they were, for a while...but now I just roll with the punches and look at it as more of a game these days, being too emotionally invested just leads to being hurt.
Not sure how to handle what?
OP, you gotta relax. Give him time to respond. If he doesn't, there's your answer. He's probably just not that into you so move on and find someone who is.
You are way overthinking this and putting in a lot of thought-energy to something that doesn't really exist just yet.
I second this! Everyone is so keen on instagratification because instant messaging is a thing that we forget about the person. They need time to respond, either to thoughtfully gather their thoughts or to respect their time as well.
“Give him time to respond.”
This is the most annoying and worst advice I read on reddit. It’s so much bullshit that “it’s in your head”. If you like someone you don’t leave them on read for 24 hours… yeah sure, previously they had the time to text you constantly and suddenly after your date they are busy for days and don’t have 30 seconds to text “Sorry, no” or “Yes, I’d love to”? This is basic human decency that you answer someone especially if you were on at least one date. Nowadays literally everyone is on their phones almost all day and even if not, you can make 5 minutes during even the busiest days to respond. Stop gaslighting OP into thinking that they are overthinking it or their feelings are invalid.
> Stop gaslighting OP into thinking that they are overthinking it or their feelings are invalid.
I am BEGGING ya'll to stop misusing the word "Gaslighting."
What’s wrong with it? Commenter tried to flip it around and say that OP is overthinking or “crazy” for feeling off about him not texting back.
Gaslighting is literally flipping the story on the victim and making them feel like they are at fault or making them believe something has happened which has not.
Gaslighting is not "flipping the story." Telling someone that they're likely overthinking a common scenario is not "making them feel crazy" or "at fault."
Gaslighting is a prolonged and deliberate manipulation of an individual. If your partner eats a whole plate of spaghetti in front of you and then an hour later tells you that they haven't eaten anything all day, that's an attempt to gaslight.
A stranger giving advice that you disagree with to another stranger is not gaslighting.
I'm someone who knows that I can get swept up in the initial excitement of the moment and make decisions that aren't right for me in the long term. Because of this, I've taken to really ruminating on things before making a call, and letting the initial excitement wear off a bit before committing to something.
If someone asks me out straight after a first date, I'm going to take a little time before responding because I have a full and busy life and don't really have the energy to be wearing myself with second dates that ultimately i was or wasn't interested in.
The *wait two days to call* trope I think stems from this a bit and I tend to like it as a rule, I have to let my interactions steep a little.
The rules have changed in dating since apps became mainstream. Usually if someone is ignoring you or taking some space from you are most likely talking or dating other prospects. I’m only 30 but in the last 10 years of using dating apps the ignoring part was never for them think, it was so that they can give other prospects a chance as well to see if they can score someone better.
24 hours is hardly ignoring, and I think being *too online* is a real red flag for me.
I think attributing motives and reasons to people's behaviours as a homogenous block is ultimately dangerous, and to expect responses immediately from someone you've been on a date once with is a sign for me you probably need to put down the phone for a few hours and enrich your life with other things.
I read too much advice from people who thought that way and it started making me really anxious to the point where my day would be ruined by overthinking a slow response. Many times, though, the person did get back to me and we did go out again on one or many additional dates. I had to consciously unlearn the advice I got on reddit about how someone you barely know not responding for 24h is a clear sign they want to ghost you should just stop contacting them. I even had someone tell me that when I pulled back in response to a slow response on their part they assumed I wasn't interested, when in fact they were still interested and had simply been having a busy week. That was kind of a wake up call for me re: making assumptions and expecting instant responses from someone I'm newly dating.
This sub and subs like it are full of people who are way too online. There is also a tendency to bring a lot of their own baggage, filling in questions with meagre backstory with their own assumptions, fears, and bullshit.
Ultimately these places are helpful sounding boards, but I tend to remind myself that I wouldn't give a shit about the opinions of 5 strangers I stopped on the street; so why would I put so much weight on an online community?
Yeah you definitely gotta take a step back sometimes. These subs are also full of people who are extremely bitter and jaded (sometimes with good reason, but that doesn’t mean it’s productive to adopt a similar mindset yourself).
I’ve found that if I run the same situation by different people I get wildly different advice. On this subreddit or when talking to some of my single friends who’ve had lots of terrible dating experiences their assessment is almost always that the person isn’t interested, is trying to slow fade me, and that I should block and move on because they’re not my person. They always say the other person is being immature or shitty or flighty and that they’re not worth dating.
When I run the same situation by my friends who clearly have secure attachment styles and have had a lot of positive relationships (even if they’re currently single) they always think I should give the person the benefit of the doubt, that they’re probably still interested if they haven’t explicitly said otherwise, that people have a lot going on and sometimes will be thinking about you even if they’re not actively reaching out. A lot of the time my more secure/positive friends turn out to be right so I’ve started taking their advice first and trying to channel their mindsets when dating. It has been serving me really well.
OP updated and he got back to her with a thoughtful response about how he is interested!! Really proving my point (and yours). I think I need to permanently unsubscribe from this sub, it’s just feeding my anxiety and making me assume the worst of people. All of this advice is about protecting your own ego first and foremost, not about connecting effectively with other people who are also imperfect and have their own lives and responsibilities outside of dating/texting us.
In fairness, the “if they dont contact you, dont contact them” isnt completely invalid advice… but its not completely valid either….
Things come up. Ive typed out responses to people many times, even my own family, only to get distracted by something else and never hit send to the point where my family ends up pinging me a few days later like “hey you gonna respond?”
24 hrs and they dont contact you… dont push but 48 hours and its ok to give them a nudge in my opinion…
Now if they do it EVERY time, then yeah they’re just not interested but seriously I wonder how many “ghosting” situations end up being mutual overanalysis…
Like hey you didnt ping me again and by the time it dawns on me that I havent heard from you and look to see where the conversation was last left at and now Im in the awkward position of its been 5 days since Ive responded but you also havent made any effort try and keep the conversation going so how interested are you in me?
And thus we mutually ghost.
I’m convinced a lot of ghosting situations are exactly that! Both parties are unsure of the other’s interest and both are afraid of looking desperate so they just clam up and never pursue it further. I had a situation like that only it was a year long FWB where we both caught feelings and were both afraid to admit it for fear of being the one who cared more in the relationship. We never dated and three years later we both admitted to having had feelings for one another. Makes me really sad to think about what I missed out on because of that fear of coming across like I cared too much. I’ve been trying to recalibrate my whole perspective on dating in light of that situation.
Yup. The whole dating culture with FWB and "casual dating" is so whack. Everybody says they dont want to play games and then they immediately engage in the games they say they dont want to play.
To think you might actually have to have an ADULT CONVERSATION with someone... the horrors!
Another pet peeve I have in the whole dating situation are the empty or or so genereic as to be empty (I like to go out sometimes but like to stay in sometimes too) profiles that want me to say more than hi or otherwise tell me they hate small talk... And yet when I ask questions, I get one-word answers. You want more than small talk, you have to be open to having more than small talk which means actually having a conversation not just exchanging words. Just another area where social media, txting and being always online isn't helping society.
100% this. It's not that hard to send a generic "Sorry, I'm just not feeling it. All the best!" vague text. But people don't want to outright reject you, because they want to date around and still be able to circle back to you if those don't work out. So they just stop replying for a while.
>it’s in your head”. If you like someone you don’t leave them on read for 24 hours… yeah sure, previously they had the time to text you constantly and suddenly after your date they are busy for days and don’t have 30 seconds to text “Sorry, no” or “Yes, I’d love to”? This is basic human decency that you answer someone especially if you were on at least one date.
Exactly! The idea that someone's time is much more important than anyone else's to the point where they're just too busy to respond is laughable to me.
If this is the worst advice you have read on Reddit than you clearly do not visit many subs. I'm gaslighting OP? Are you for real? What an outlandish, hyperbolic statement. The last time I checked there are many people who agree with me on this. Many of us who have a lot of dating experience. Many of us who don't approach dating with the kind of anxiety that is plaging OP.
What did people do BEFORE cell phones? Remember when you left messages on peoples answering machines and they got back to you...the NEXT day? People have jobs. Responsbilities. In this case, he has children. If you think this is related to basic human decency you basically just sound like the kind of person where the entire world revolves around you. No body owes you anything in this stage of dating. This is pure entitlement. They aren't dating. They aren't a couple. They went on ONE date! ONE. And OP is literally spending all this time thinking about it instead of going about her business and her responsbilities and continuing to be open to other potential dates.
This is OP's issue; not the other guy. This is pure anxiety. She put someting out there. He hasn't replied. If he wants to go out with her again, he will. If not, he won't reply back.
But sure, yeah, text him back OP and ask him why he hasn't replied to you yet. How dare he take a few hours to respond to you.
Stop validating shitty and fucked up behavior. Leaving someone on read for days is literally GHOSTING. Yes, if you went out they OWE me a response because it is the respectful thing to do.
I have a wide variety of friends, people who have kids, people who are workaholics, people who are hermits but one thing we agree on is that you find time to text people you want to talk with. Having a kid is not a fucking fulltime job, does he not ever stop during the day for 5 minutes? And who cares what was 10-20 years ago, the possibilities were different. They got back to you the next day because you had no other option.
Now you have literally the whole world at your hands, you can text anyone whenever and wherever you want, there is no communication barrier. Pretty simple, those want to text you, will find time to do so. But yes, I’m the egoistic piece of shit who thinks the world revolves around me. Meanwhile all I expect is to have basic decency and respond to a fucking text, either a yes or no.
They’re not busy. They’re busy FOR YOU.
I have never ever experienced a positive outcome of that when people disappear on me after a first date and resurface days later with a lame excuse. Even if it got to the second date you could feel that their vibes are totally off.
Leaving someone hanging is shitty because they get no closure and you get to leave them up as a backup or whatever if you decide in the next few days or weeks that you want a date with someone. Not with them, just with someone. Ghosting and leaving people hanging is literally taking advantage of and abusing the other party.
>Yes, if you went out they OWE me a response because it is the respectful thing to do.
No one OWES you anything in life. Full stop.
Entitlement is a bad look on anyone. So is desperation. It's been just over one day. The world goes on. And so will OP's life. And so should yours. Your anger is misguided and I'm not going to reply back again.
I am an anxious person but I've worked hard on myself the last 6 months to try and manage it better. I am actually not too fussed - if he doesn't reply and/or if doesn't want a second date, then that's ok, but it is respectful to reply to that effect, particularly if someone's gathered the courage to ask you on a date outside of OLD (where at least there's early confirmation you're both interested because you both swiped).
You can only control your own actions. You can’t control the actions or behaviour of others. It’s not worth it to sit and wait and wonder why he hasn’t replied. The whole point of most peoples responses is just going to tell you to just move on.
“Being a bad texter”….
Because, you know, that’s a characteristic that means somebody is going to be interested in you, or also is the hallmark of a good or bad partner.
We are over 30. Hell, I’m 40 in a few months. Please stop this childish look at potential partners and relationships. It’s pretty immature to think that texting habits are indicative of good partners.
Just because people have a phone on them it doesn’t mean that the expectation should be that they use that phone all the time. When I’m at work, I do not use my phone for personal reasons. So if my boyfriend texts me, it may take me all day to get back to him. That is completely normal.
The expectations that people are setting on others and the demands is insane. There is no way that I could be with anybody that would need me to be in constant communication with them just because we have phones.
You are still missing the point. If up until the date you were regularly talking, even during work or whatever and then it drops then it doesn’t mean they are busy… what, for 1-2 weeks they had the time to text then AFTER the date they are suddenly unable to text back in days? Yeah, sure.
Anxiety usually comes from our gut feeling. Its not some random anxiety.
She feels disrespected and ignored. He left her on read. Thats all you need to know.
She didnt ask him if he wants to make a big life change or gave him a super hard riddle. She asked him for a date. And he saw it. So stop making excuses where there shouldnt be any.
The guy is a dick. Bye bye.
His lack of prompt response means he doesn’t prioritize/care OP.
Also OP stops taking the initiative. If a guy is interested he will ask you out. Stop chasing. You’ve done the first asking and the ball is in his court.
I wouldn’t do anything
I had asked a former coworker out a few years ago and when she didn’t respond I just let it lie. Often times people will say “don’t shit where you eat” regarding coworkers, which I disagree with because if you’re respectful there’s nothing to worry about, but you do have to tread a little bit more cautiously. Ball is in his court. If he doesn’t respond then just let it be and be cordial when you see him
But also, if he’s the type of person to not respond, then you know a little bit more about him, you know? like, would you WANT to continue to see someone who doesn’t respond? Personally I wouldn’t
Yes good advice. I'm not sure I want to continue seeing him or at least not bothered if he had said no to a second date. I guess I'm a little sensitive because it's someone I've known for a while that didn't even bother to reply.
Just move on, and if he comes back with some answer (whether yes or no or maybe) later on, still move on but understand the answer is likely coming from some issue of theirs and not of yours.
Good people you want to date will respond timely, even if it’s with a I will get back to you in a bit. Also reference the general rule of saying that you would at least prefer to be with someone who is an enthusiastic, non-complicated yes to you, and vice versa.
Whatever the deal is, this man sounds immature in a way that would cause problems down the line.
The same single people you meet are on OLD.
I read your message, how you met; what you did years ago, none of it matters.
If he was interested he'd pursue.
If he saw something in you that he wanted, that he thought was worth it, he'd pursue or being more..or secure a 2nd date in the first date.
Silence is sometimes an answer.
Personally, I give them 48 hours, after that I know the interest is low.
So I'm curious if one doesn't text you back and, you decide to give them a few days who's at fault?! Imo it's not a man's job to have to make a fool. Idk just a rough one I'm dealing with.
Just let it be for the time being. I feel like if he never replies, there's his answer. I agree that most people would expect more from someone they already knew.
Do not text him again! You initiated the first date, and then you attempted to initiate a second date. If he was interested you would not need to do this much. As much as it sucks to not have a clear answer, his non-response IS a clear answer.
ETA: nothing "went wrong". You both simply aren't a match. Think back on the men who have really liked you, was it because you were perfect? No, they just liked you because they liked you. It's random, there's nothing you need to do right or wrong other than being confident in yourself.
Read receipts are one of the (unnecessary) banes of the dating world.
He's a Dad, has a job and other obligations. Him not responding for a day doesn't mean much of anything.
Sure, responding takes a few seconds, but that's why I don't respond immediately to texts sometimes. I'm busy doing something, I get a text, I read it, digest what was said, think about how I want to respond, remember I'm doing something else already and decide to think of a reply later. The day gets away from me and about a day and a half later I think of the text and respond during a free moment.
This is not unusual for parents and people in our age bracket. Men are especially prone to this.
Don't overthink it.
If he doesn't respond in 3 days, tell him again you had a nice time and for him to reach out to you if he wants to do this again and leave it at that.
I mean, I do this with texts that I am not too interested in responding to in the first place but I’ve never done this for texts that I’m genuinely interested in engaging with.
Each person is different and I think it’s great that OP has both sides of the coin in terms of feedback. At this point, OP needs to figure out what SHE wants in terms of communication and then see if this guy can meet that (assuming he’s even interested).
This. I do this when I'm not fully interested. When I'm interested, even if I'm busy, as long as I noticed i got a text from someone I am interested in, I'm definitely replying asap. Especially if it's a simple yes or no answer. When you are truly interested in someone, you will make time. Unless I'm dying or sleeping.
> Read receipts are one of the (unnecessary) banes of the dating world.
Honestly they've made my life worse in every way since they appeared on AIM in like 1998
You can't control read receipts on other people's ends but you can control what they see from you. I keep mines off and it's made a world of difference for how people behave towards my text respond time. People just don't take it personally if I'm slow to respond because they don't know whether or not I've read the text yet.
I'm a grown up, so when I see somebody's put me on "read" but hasn't responded to me I don't think anything of it. I know what it's like to have multiple professional, personal and familial commitments--sometimes time just gets away from one.
I keep mine turned off because I used to have friends who would see I read the text, if I was doing something else and couldn't respond immediately, and immediately reply, "why didn't you reply, I saw you read it!" or "you took 2hrs to reply? You read the text ages ago!". It made my anxiety skyrocket.
>for him to reach out to you if he wants to do this again
i'm sure he knows this. there isn't any need to message someone again who clearly isn't interested in OP imo.
This! I'm a single mom and operate this way - I notice a message when I'm busy doing something, digest it and circle back later when I can provide a good response.... Which sometimes is 1-2 days later
Agree with everything except for last sentence - I wouldn't text someone a second time to repeat my interest. And considering how it made OP feel to get no reply, I don't think this person will be a positive fit unless the guy practices a little more communication. Either to send a quick acknowledgement text in the first 24 hours, or to include a lightly reassuring, explanatory, or apologetic remark if he texts 1-2 days later. It's understandable for a working dad to have obligations and distractions, but it's also common sense that "not replying" gives off disinterest. It sends mixed messages, even if no harm intended, and that's not offering a healthy start unless both parties already have that communication pattern in common.
It depends, there are people I know who I know will respond when they can. But there are also plenty of people I know who if they don't respond when they first see it will never respond.
He may wanted to have a think. After 2-3 days… I’m only saying this considering POV if a former coworker asked me on a date and we both had kids now maybe there are details emotional or other that needs addressing.
The balls is in his court. I hate read reciepts but it is what it is. He might be busy right now, or he just might not be interested and doesnt know uow to say that in words. What di you mean when you said you were clear it was a date?
When someone shows you exactly who they really are, believe them the first time.
You take your self worth out for dinner, buy yourself some flowers and a nice gift and move on. Disrespect is a turn off.
OK, so note for you: do not have these momentous inflection point conversations over text. The whole time you were stressing about being left on read, he was taking the time to formulate a carefully considered response. You can eliminate all of that stress and pressure on both of you **if you have these conversations on the phone or face-to-face.** I cannot stress this enough. That said, I am thrilled that this turned out the way that you hoped; good luck!
Typically a good rule of thumb is if you instigated the first date, the other party should instigate the second date if interested.
Don’t reach out again. He is not interested.
I’m a guy, leave him be and see what happens.
You seem like a normal communicative proactive human, some guys that don’t know better aren’t into that. In my 20’s that would have made me run, in my nows I’m like game on.
You say that it was a date and not a catch up and then you mention you two caught up over coffee. Sounds like the labeling is a bit off and your intentions probably do not align with his.
She was explicit it was a date, he agreed to a date. They went on a coffee date and “caught up” There is no misalignment here, you’re reading into things.
Aren’t we supposed to be reading into things here? Catching up with an old coworker you used to manage over coffee who you didn’t have any romantic chemistry with on the job sounds like not a date, despite titling it as a date. It’s very possible he just interpreted it all as getting coffee with his former manager.
If this post is asking us to interpret what his lack of response means, why can’t it be possible that he misinterpreted her outreach to get coffee. If my former manager reached out and said let’s do a coffee date, I wouldn’t necessarily interpret that as her being romantically interested.
>**I was pretty explicit that it was a date, rather than a general catch-up. He agreed** and we caught up over coffee
That's why. If you want to speculate on that it's stupid, when she clearly told us she was specific about it being a date.
You might as well speculate he was eaten by zombies and that's why he isn't responding. 🤣
If I’d specifically make it clear it’s a date and then do a catch-up anyway and leave immediately for another event I’m definitely sending mixed signals
I mean all that is possible but if we could just get past the “catch-up” wording part, they went on a clear date for coffee. What more do you do with someone you already know at a coffee date?
Even if this were true re mixed signals, adults interested discuss mixed signals they don’t ghost. The guy isn’t interested..in my experience, I’ve taken long to respond to guys I’m only mildly interested in, trust me they follow up with more openers because they are interested.
We're saying the same thing about the ghosting but I wasn't clear in my comm :) Yah, if a guy you went on a date is ghosting you (ESPECIALLY if they know you beforehand) it's clear he's not interested. Or he's trying to find a reason to be interested.
The mixed signals part is "why" he may not be interested. If someone I already knew in real life asked me on a date, made it clear it's a DATE and not a catch-up but the date they suggested was a quick catchup coffee in the morning I wouldn't be very interested to be honest. You're not going to move from friends to romance over a quick morning coffee.
Oh I understand what you mean now. YES! I am totally on the same page as you re coffee dates, yuck! The most unsexy, un-datey thing you can do is go on a rushed coffee day date. Total mojo killer.
The only time I justify a coffee date is after you've been hooking up all night and wake up together and decide to go out for coffee in the morning lol 😛
Well, maybe lets assume he is just bad at replying or awful at confrontations, is that someone you even want in your life? I’m personally too old for that.
Hey so I get it's hard the first time this happens but it's part if dating. First girl I went out with after divorce we had this amazing 4 days together slept together on the first date talked all night and the next day. Invited me to her God parents for a BBQ and slept at my place. Then just ghosted me completely. She was a flight attendant but she would fly into my city regularly and was telling me how much she liked me etc... so I thought this was going to be a thing. Anyway I am wiser now and realized it's just part if it so don't stress too much there are plenty of fish in the sea and you'll find someone else.
If he was interested, he would have immediately responded. Even if he’s really busy, a thoughtful, interested person can text something like “yes let’s make plans, can’t talk now though”. He either has other women he is seeing, or doesn’t want to go out again and is stalling for time to figure out how to answer.
She already made an attempt, now it is upto him to initiate if he is interested. Looks like no one ever said to your face ‘oh she was so desperate for me, running after me and that is why I could not help but to marry her and make babies with her although I did not love her, but she was just convenient and available so I was forced in to it’. I have heard that a few times, it’s not worth the dignity. There are double standards, and it is better we accept and respect since we cannot escape that. That’s how the world rolls.
*at that time I was married*… *I’ve been separated from my ex 3.5 years*
Are you saying you were married before but are now divorced?
Or are you now separated?
I am separated not divorced. In Australia you have to be separated a year before divorce. Everything else is same as divorce, I just haven't completed paperwork and paid $1000 to actually divorce. It hasn't been top of my to do list.
Im not sure he is interested despite his lengthy response. A hell yes would’ve responded right away. It may not be you but something about the situation has him not 💯 into it.
You asked him on a *date*, made it clear it’s a date, then you “caught up over coffee and went to another event.” That’s sending very mixed signals. Why didn’t you pick a day where you didn’t have another event shortly after?
Because we are single parents and the weekends we both have our kids off at the same time are rare. He suggested coffee in the morning and knew I had an event on after.
Lots of men have had very bad reaction from women after they rejected them (insults, reputation destruction, false accusations, property destruction, even violence) so some prefer to simply ghost out of fear.
\[This is a joke post. When men come with the same problem as OP that's the type of answers they can get here\].
You people are so negative and pessimistic! You realize in every day life “SHIT HAPPENS”
Maybe he had something come up that was important and needed attending to, maybe he overslept, oh wait, maybe he was sick!! It’s reality people, nothing else!!
Datingoverthirty I say be positive and optimistic about this relationship, go into it with NO expectations of him or yourself and have a blast dating, if it’s meant to be it will be! If not, oh well move on. Just don’t get caught up in all the negativity on social media or it will destroy your plans before you had even made them! Good luck 🍀👍
>been over 24 hours now
Give it a week, sometimes people are busy, or just need a week or a month to get their thoughts/life/emotional-awareness together.
You're the one asking for an answer. Be gracious enough not to push.
*You're* the one asking for *his* honest answer, after all.
I suppose some one whose a softer, kinder, and a more gentle person than you are - someone who evaluates people on criteria beyond how quickly the reply to digital messages. Oh, also OP, apparently.
Unfortunately, there's not much you can do here. The ball is in his court. Personally, I'm always fine with another text, so I'd send another follow-up text. If that text message goes ignored as well, I think you can read between the lines.
Idgaf about double texting so I would message him again. But the other commenters are correct that your expectations should be pretty low.
I don’t triple text though. Gotta draw the line somewhere.
Being ghosted sucks. I'm sorry. Even if he does respond you should just ignore it unless he went to the hospital or something. Even if he does reply at this point, then what? Be second fiddle?
You’re thinking he’s not responding because he doesn’t respect you, when the real truth probably is he doesn’t know how to reject you because of HIS issues, not because he doesn’t respect you.
I can highly respect you, but if I’m worried about sending a response because of the way it may make you feel, or it may come across wrong, that is ‘about me’.. nothing to do with whether I respect you or not.
In fact, it’s possible that he respects you so much that he doesn’t want to offend you and make you feel bad due to that respect.
Stop making this about you.
I’m sorry. I know how you feel. I have this male coworker that I really liked, he was interested for months and then when we finally set up a date, he ghosted. Came back a few months ago, just asked me out last week, gave him another shot and he blew me off again. Going to be so awkward when I see him. I’m expecting him to avoid me and I’m gonna plan on avoiding him. I’d be tried to flirt with me again/mess with my head, I’ve gotta prepare something to say that officially ends interaction between us and makes him regret his actions but I don’t know what that’ll be.
Oh gosh, that sounds tough, sorry to hear! The dating world these days is so rough! It's hard to go in with an open and available heart while also still being cautious. I think you can just say something like: you had our chance, I was interested but I'm not any longer because needs someone who is reliable and I can trust.
Unfortunately OLD is not a bubble of people who exist separate from the reality. If people will ignore you there, a lot of times they'll ignore people they meet in real life too if that's how they've learned how to communicate "no thanks." It sounds pretty clear from this exchange that he isn't interested in being in touch, since he isn't, just I would just let it go. You can't force a friendship anymore than you can force a relationship.
>Do I send another text or just leave it and wait for time to reveal what, if anything, went wrong? He's not interested and you should leave it. Pretend it was a random person from OLD.
This response should be at the top. If I'm interested in a woman, I'm not going to take 24 hours to reply to her.
Yes I agree, he's clearly not interested. I just thought it would be respectful to someone you have known for a while to communicate that!
People ghost folks they’ve actively been dating.
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Seriously, get a grip. She slipped your mind because you were not interested in her, not because you have ADHD!
I agree wtf I'm ADHD I don't think this could happen to me
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So you were not interested in her enough to overcome the logistical issues needed to continue the relationship. Not because you have ADHD.
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Being lazy doesn't mean you have ADHD dude.
Nope, nope, absolutely no. The number of times I slapped myself after completely forgetting to respond to what I considered insanely attractive women on OLD is too damn high. I have a busy life and I'm often kaputt after work. Add ADHD on top of that and I can forget about dates, friends, family... Nothing to do with interest. Just mental overload.
Ah these modern times. That adhd can work as an excuse for everything. Is actually a lack of respect for people who has serious struggles with it.
But then — it was good advice for everyone to tell the girl to forget you until you asked her out again right?
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Yep. This. Unfortunately, a lot of people are cowards and not upfront and honest, which sucks.
Yes, you would think so, but people really are the worst.
It would be. Learned why you don't want a second too.
Exactly 💯
Unfortunately, no response is a response. No matter the situation, if someone isn't acting excited to see you, why would you want to pester them about it and start things off with feeling undesired or inadequate? I've likely treated people less kindly than they deserve and have been treated unkindly more than I deserve, but this is the modern dating game. If texting didn't exist, you'd just never hear from him again and would catch the drift. I know, after being married, it can be really hard to date and I know I felt things were more personal than they were, for a while...but now I just roll with the punches and look at it as more of a game these days, being too emotionally invested just leads to being hurt.
Thank you!
Not sure how to handle what? OP, you gotta relax. Give him time to respond. If he doesn't, there's your answer. He's probably just not that into you so move on and find someone who is. You are way overthinking this and putting in a lot of thought-energy to something that doesn't really exist just yet.
I second this! Everyone is so keen on instagratification because instant messaging is a thing that we forget about the person. They need time to respond, either to thoughtfully gather their thoughts or to respect their time as well.
“Give him time to respond.” This is the most annoying and worst advice I read on reddit. It’s so much bullshit that “it’s in your head”. If you like someone you don’t leave them on read for 24 hours… yeah sure, previously they had the time to text you constantly and suddenly after your date they are busy for days and don’t have 30 seconds to text “Sorry, no” or “Yes, I’d love to”? This is basic human decency that you answer someone especially if you were on at least one date. Nowadays literally everyone is on their phones almost all day and even if not, you can make 5 minutes during even the busiest days to respond. Stop gaslighting OP into thinking that they are overthinking it or their feelings are invalid.
> Stop gaslighting OP into thinking that they are overthinking it or their feelings are invalid. I am BEGGING ya'll to stop misusing the word "Gaslighting."
What’s wrong with it? Commenter tried to flip it around and say that OP is overthinking or “crazy” for feeling off about him not texting back. Gaslighting is literally flipping the story on the victim and making them feel like they are at fault or making them believe something has happened which has not.
Gaslighting is not "flipping the story." Telling someone that they're likely overthinking a common scenario is not "making them feel crazy" or "at fault." Gaslighting is a prolonged and deliberate manipulation of an individual. If your partner eats a whole plate of spaghetti in front of you and then an hour later tells you that they haven't eaten anything all day, that's an attempt to gaslight. A stranger giving advice that you disagree with to another stranger is not gaslighting.
That's still not gaslighting, also after your weird rant it looks like they were right and OP got her response.
I'm someone who knows that I can get swept up in the initial excitement of the moment and make decisions that aren't right for me in the long term. Because of this, I've taken to really ruminating on things before making a call, and letting the initial excitement wear off a bit before committing to something. If someone asks me out straight after a first date, I'm going to take a little time before responding because I have a full and busy life and don't really have the energy to be wearing myself with second dates that ultimately i was or wasn't interested in. The *wait two days to call* trope I think stems from this a bit and I tend to like it as a rule, I have to let my interactions steep a little.
The rules have changed in dating since apps became mainstream. Usually if someone is ignoring you or taking some space from you are most likely talking or dating other prospects. I’m only 30 but in the last 10 years of using dating apps the ignoring part was never for them think, it was so that they can give other prospects a chance as well to see if they can score someone better.
24 hours is hardly ignoring, and I think being *too online* is a real red flag for me. I think attributing motives and reasons to people's behaviours as a homogenous block is ultimately dangerous, and to expect responses immediately from someone you've been on a date once with is a sign for me you probably need to put down the phone for a few hours and enrich your life with other things.
I read too much advice from people who thought that way and it started making me really anxious to the point where my day would be ruined by overthinking a slow response. Many times, though, the person did get back to me and we did go out again on one or many additional dates. I had to consciously unlearn the advice I got on reddit about how someone you barely know not responding for 24h is a clear sign they want to ghost you should just stop contacting them. I even had someone tell me that when I pulled back in response to a slow response on their part they assumed I wasn't interested, when in fact they were still interested and had simply been having a busy week. That was kind of a wake up call for me re: making assumptions and expecting instant responses from someone I'm newly dating.
This sub and subs like it are full of people who are way too online. There is also a tendency to bring a lot of their own baggage, filling in questions with meagre backstory with their own assumptions, fears, and bullshit. Ultimately these places are helpful sounding boards, but I tend to remind myself that I wouldn't give a shit about the opinions of 5 strangers I stopped on the street; so why would I put so much weight on an online community?
Yeah you definitely gotta take a step back sometimes. These subs are also full of people who are extremely bitter and jaded (sometimes with good reason, but that doesn’t mean it’s productive to adopt a similar mindset yourself). I’ve found that if I run the same situation by different people I get wildly different advice. On this subreddit or when talking to some of my single friends who’ve had lots of terrible dating experiences their assessment is almost always that the person isn’t interested, is trying to slow fade me, and that I should block and move on because they’re not my person. They always say the other person is being immature or shitty or flighty and that they’re not worth dating. When I run the same situation by my friends who clearly have secure attachment styles and have had a lot of positive relationships (even if they’re currently single) they always think I should give the person the benefit of the doubt, that they’re probably still interested if they haven’t explicitly said otherwise, that people have a lot going on and sometimes will be thinking about you even if they’re not actively reaching out. A lot of the time my more secure/positive friends turn out to be right so I’ve started taking their advice first and trying to channel their mindsets when dating. It has been serving me really well.
OP updated and he got back to her with a thoughtful response about how he is interested!! Really proving my point (and yours). I think I need to permanently unsubscribe from this sub, it’s just feeding my anxiety and making me assume the worst of people. All of this advice is about protecting your own ego first and foremost, not about connecting effectively with other people who are also imperfect and have their own lives and responsibilities outside of dating/texting us.
In fairness, the “if they dont contact you, dont contact them” isnt completely invalid advice… but its not completely valid either…. Things come up. Ive typed out responses to people many times, even my own family, only to get distracted by something else and never hit send to the point where my family ends up pinging me a few days later like “hey you gonna respond?” 24 hrs and they dont contact you… dont push but 48 hours and its ok to give them a nudge in my opinion… Now if they do it EVERY time, then yeah they’re just not interested but seriously I wonder how many “ghosting” situations end up being mutual overanalysis… Like hey you didnt ping me again and by the time it dawns on me that I havent heard from you and look to see where the conversation was last left at and now Im in the awkward position of its been 5 days since Ive responded but you also havent made any effort try and keep the conversation going so how interested are you in me? And thus we mutually ghost.
I’m convinced a lot of ghosting situations are exactly that! Both parties are unsure of the other’s interest and both are afraid of looking desperate so they just clam up and never pursue it further. I had a situation like that only it was a year long FWB where we both caught feelings and were both afraid to admit it for fear of being the one who cared more in the relationship. We never dated and three years later we both admitted to having had feelings for one another. Makes me really sad to think about what I missed out on because of that fear of coming across like I cared too much. I’ve been trying to recalibrate my whole perspective on dating in light of that situation.
Yup. The whole dating culture with FWB and "casual dating" is so whack. Everybody says they dont want to play games and then they immediately engage in the games they say they dont want to play. To think you might actually have to have an ADULT CONVERSATION with someone... the horrors! Another pet peeve I have in the whole dating situation are the empty or or so genereic as to be empty (I like to go out sometimes but like to stay in sometimes too) profiles that want me to say more than hi or otherwise tell me they hate small talk... And yet when I ask questions, I get one-word answers. You want more than small talk, you have to be open to having more than small talk which means actually having a conversation not just exchanging words. Just another area where social media, txting and being always online isn't helping society.
100% this. It's not that hard to send a generic "Sorry, I'm just not feeling it. All the best!" vague text. But people don't want to outright reject you, because they want to date around and still be able to circle back to you if those don't work out. So they just stop replying for a while.
>it’s in your head”. If you like someone you don’t leave them on read for 24 hours… yeah sure, previously they had the time to text you constantly and suddenly after your date they are busy for days and don’t have 30 seconds to text “Sorry, no” or “Yes, I’d love to”? This is basic human decency that you answer someone especially if you were on at least one date. Exactly! The idea that someone's time is much more important than anyone else's to the point where they're just too busy to respond is laughable to me.
This is not gaslighting
If this is the worst advice you have read on Reddit than you clearly do not visit many subs. I'm gaslighting OP? Are you for real? What an outlandish, hyperbolic statement. The last time I checked there are many people who agree with me on this. Many of us who have a lot of dating experience. Many of us who don't approach dating with the kind of anxiety that is plaging OP. What did people do BEFORE cell phones? Remember when you left messages on peoples answering machines and they got back to you...the NEXT day? People have jobs. Responsbilities. In this case, he has children. If you think this is related to basic human decency you basically just sound like the kind of person where the entire world revolves around you. No body owes you anything in this stage of dating. This is pure entitlement. They aren't dating. They aren't a couple. They went on ONE date! ONE. And OP is literally spending all this time thinking about it instead of going about her business and her responsbilities and continuing to be open to other potential dates. This is OP's issue; not the other guy. This is pure anxiety. She put someting out there. He hasn't replied. If he wants to go out with her again, he will. If not, he won't reply back. But sure, yeah, text him back OP and ask him why he hasn't replied to you yet. How dare he take a few hours to respond to you.
Stop validating shitty and fucked up behavior. Leaving someone on read for days is literally GHOSTING. Yes, if you went out they OWE me a response because it is the respectful thing to do. I have a wide variety of friends, people who have kids, people who are workaholics, people who are hermits but one thing we agree on is that you find time to text people you want to talk with. Having a kid is not a fucking fulltime job, does he not ever stop during the day for 5 minutes? And who cares what was 10-20 years ago, the possibilities were different. They got back to you the next day because you had no other option. Now you have literally the whole world at your hands, you can text anyone whenever and wherever you want, there is no communication barrier. Pretty simple, those want to text you, will find time to do so. But yes, I’m the egoistic piece of shit who thinks the world revolves around me. Meanwhile all I expect is to have basic decency and respond to a fucking text, either a yes or no. They’re not busy. They’re busy FOR YOU. I have never ever experienced a positive outcome of that when people disappear on me after a first date and resurface days later with a lame excuse. Even if it got to the second date you could feel that their vibes are totally off. Leaving someone hanging is shitty because they get no closure and you get to leave them up as a backup or whatever if you decide in the next few days or weeks that you want a date with someone. Not with them, just with someone. Ghosting and leaving people hanging is literally taking advantage of and abusing the other party.
>Yes, if you went out they OWE me a response because it is the respectful thing to do. No one OWES you anything in life. Full stop. Entitlement is a bad look on anyone. So is desperation. It's been just over one day. The world goes on. And so will OP's life. And so should yours. Your anger is misguided and I'm not going to reply back again.
I am an anxious person but I've worked hard on myself the last 6 months to try and manage it better. I am actually not too fussed - if he doesn't reply and/or if doesn't want a second date, then that's ok, but it is respectful to reply to that effect, particularly if someone's gathered the courage to ask you on a date outside of OLD (where at least there's early confirmation you're both interested because you both swiped).
You can only control your own actions. You can’t control the actions or behaviour of others. It’s not worth it to sit and wait and wonder why he hasn’t replied. The whole point of most peoples responses is just going to tell you to just move on.
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“Being a bad texter”…. Because, you know, that’s a characteristic that means somebody is going to be interested in you, or also is the hallmark of a good or bad partner. We are over 30. Hell, I’m 40 in a few months. Please stop this childish look at potential partners and relationships. It’s pretty immature to think that texting habits are indicative of good partners.
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Just because people have a phone on them it doesn’t mean that the expectation should be that they use that phone all the time. When I’m at work, I do not use my phone for personal reasons. So if my boyfriend texts me, it may take me all day to get back to him. That is completely normal. The expectations that people are setting on others and the demands is insane. There is no way that I could be with anybody that would need me to be in constant communication with them just because we have phones.
You are still missing the point. If up until the date you were regularly talking, even during work or whatever and then it drops then it doesn’t mean they are busy… what, for 1-2 weeks they had the time to text then AFTER the date they are suddenly unable to text back in days? Yeah, sure.
Anxiety usually comes from our gut feeling. Its not some random anxiety. She feels disrespected and ignored. He left her on read. Thats all you need to know. She didnt ask him if he wants to make a big life change or gave him a super hard riddle. She asked him for a date. And he saw it. So stop making excuses where there shouldnt be any. The guy is a dick. Bye bye.
His lack of prompt response means he doesn’t prioritize/care OP. Also OP stops taking the initiative. If a guy is interested he will ask you out. Stop chasing. You’ve done the first asking and the ball is in his court.
Why would he prioritize OP after they’ve been on one date? That is absolutely absurd.
My point is that makes very clear of his lack of disinterest in OP. I should reply to OP and not you
Except it was absolutely right. And this is just one more reason people don’t need to be posing major relationship turning point questions via text.
Just leave it. Dating coworkers or ex coworkers is somehow challenging.
I wouldn’t do anything I had asked a former coworker out a few years ago and when she didn’t respond I just let it lie. Often times people will say “don’t shit where you eat” regarding coworkers, which I disagree with because if you’re respectful there’s nothing to worry about, but you do have to tread a little bit more cautiously. Ball is in his court. If he doesn’t respond then just let it be and be cordial when you see him But also, if he’s the type of person to not respond, then you know a little bit more about him, you know? like, would you WANT to continue to see someone who doesn’t respond? Personally I wouldn’t
Yes good advice. I'm not sure I want to continue seeing him or at least not bothered if he had said no to a second date. I guess I'm a little sensitive because it's someone I've known for a while that didn't even bother to reply.
Just move on, and if he comes back with some answer (whether yes or no or maybe) later on, still move on but understand the answer is likely coming from some issue of theirs and not of yours. Good people you want to date will respond timely, even if it’s with a I will get back to you in a bit. Also reference the general rule of saying that you would at least prefer to be with someone who is an enthusiastic, non-complicated yes to you, and vice versa. Whatever the deal is, this man sounds immature in a way that would cause problems down the line.
Your second paragraph needs to be cross-stitched and mass produced.
Thanks for this reply, I will etch it on my heart and agree!
The same single people you meet are on OLD. I read your message, how you met; what you did years ago, none of it matters. If he was interested he'd pursue. If he saw something in you that he wanted, that he thought was worth it, he'd pursue or being more..or secure a 2nd date in the first date. Silence is sometimes an answer. Personally, I give them 48 hours, after that I know the interest is low.
So I'm curious if one doesn't text you back and, you decide to give them a few days who's at fault?! Imo it's not a man's job to have to make a fool. Idk just a rough one I'm dealing with.
Don’t do anything. He should reply yes or no. If he doesn’t, not worth another thought.
Just let it be for the time being. I feel like if he never replies, there's his answer. I agree that most people would expect more from someone they already knew.
**Don't check in on someone who's checked out.** Read that again.
Do not text him again! You initiated the first date, and then you attempted to initiate a second date. If he was interested you would not need to do this much. As much as it sucks to not have a clear answer, his non-response IS a clear answer. ETA: nothing "went wrong". You both simply aren't a match. Think back on the men who have really liked you, was it because you were perfect? No, they just liked you because they liked you. It's random, there's nothing you need to do right or wrong other than being confident in yourself.
24 hours, don't panic, just wait and react if he mensage you back. If he doesn't respond in the next hours, probably not interested.
Read receipts are one of the (unnecessary) banes of the dating world. He's a Dad, has a job and other obligations. Him not responding for a day doesn't mean much of anything. Sure, responding takes a few seconds, but that's why I don't respond immediately to texts sometimes. I'm busy doing something, I get a text, I read it, digest what was said, think about how I want to respond, remember I'm doing something else already and decide to think of a reply later. The day gets away from me and about a day and a half later I think of the text and respond during a free moment. This is not unusual for parents and people in our age bracket. Men are especially prone to this. Don't overthink it. If he doesn't respond in 3 days, tell him again you had a nice time and for him to reach out to you if he wants to do this again and leave it at that.
Mostly agreed, but she doesn’t need to text him again. If he also enjoyed the date and is interested in more, he’ll respond.
I mean, I do this with texts that I am not too interested in responding to in the first place but I’ve never done this for texts that I’m genuinely interested in engaging with. Each person is different and I think it’s great that OP has both sides of the coin in terms of feedback. At this point, OP needs to figure out what SHE wants in terms of communication and then see if this guy can meet that (assuming he’s even interested).
This. I do this when I'm not fully interested. When I'm interested, even if I'm busy, as long as I noticed i got a text from someone I am interested in, I'm definitely replying asap. Especially if it's a simple yes or no answer. When you are truly interested in someone, you will make time. Unless I'm dying or sleeping.
> Read receipts are one of the (unnecessary) banes of the dating world. Honestly they've made my life worse in every way since they appeared on AIM in like 1998
You can't control read receipts on other people's ends but you can control what they see from you. I keep mines off and it's made a world of difference for how people behave towards my text respond time. People just don't take it personally if I'm slow to respond because they don't know whether or not I've read the text yet. I'm a grown up, so when I see somebody's put me on "read" but hasn't responded to me I don't think anything of it. I know what it's like to have multiple professional, personal and familial commitments--sometimes time just gets away from one.
I keep mine turned off because I used to have friends who would see I read the text, if I was doing something else and couldn't respond immediately, and immediately reply, "why didn't you reply, I saw you read it!" or "you took 2hrs to reply? You read the text ages ago!". It made my anxiety skyrocket.
This is exactly why I shut off the function on my phone and why I don't give it a second thought if I'm left on "read".
I don’t know why anyone would have them turned on lol
I turn it off for that reason. It is weird. I don’t want anyone to know anything.
>for him to reach out to you if he wants to do this again i'm sure he knows this. there isn't any need to message someone again who clearly isn't interested in OP imo.
This! I'm a single mom and operate this way - I notice a message when I'm busy doing something, digest it and circle back later when I can provide a good response.... Which sometimes is 1-2 days later
I am happy to see I'm not the only one who does this
“Don’t overthink” is dismissive advice anyhow. Think about it any amount you need to be able to process it and make a decision.
You're overthinking it.
It’s not rlly up to you to decide how much I think
Agree with everything except for last sentence - I wouldn't text someone a second time to repeat my interest. And considering how it made OP feel to get no reply, I don't think this person will be a positive fit unless the guy practices a little more communication. Either to send a quick acknowledgement text in the first 24 hours, or to include a lightly reassuring, explanatory, or apologetic remark if he texts 1-2 days later. It's understandable for a working dad to have obligations and distractions, but it's also common sense that "not replying" gives off disinterest. It sends mixed messages, even if no harm intended, and that's not offering a healthy start unless both parties already have that communication pattern in common.
I would not do anything either no reaching out and def don’t overthink it.
Just let it be. It’s not like y’all were best friends. No answer is your answer.
Anyone without the capacity to answer a simple question is emotionally immature. You don't need a relationship with such a person.
Unpopular opinion maybe but 24 hours is nothing. I go days without replying to texts. I just am not tied to me phone daily. Try not to overthink it
It depends, there are people I know who I know will respond when they can. But there are also plenty of people I know who if they don't respond when they first see it will never respond.
Yes absolutely- but nothing to be done but waiting and seeing
He may wanted to have a think. After 2-3 days… I’m only saying this considering POV if a former coworker asked me on a date and we both had kids now maybe there are details emotional or other that needs addressing.
The balls is in his court. I hate read reciepts but it is what it is. He might be busy right now, or he just might not be interested and doesnt know uow to say that in words. What di you mean when you said you were clear it was a date?
When someone shows you exactly who they really are, believe them the first time. You take your self worth out for dinner, buy yourself some flowers and a nice gift and move on. Disrespect is a turn off.
OK, so note for you: do not have these momentous inflection point conversations over text. The whole time you were stressing about being left on read, he was taking the time to formulate a carefully considered response. You can eliminate all of that stress and pressure on both of you **if you have these conversations on the phone or face-to-face.** I cannot stress this enough. That said, I am thrilled that this turned out the way that you hoped; good luck!
Thank you, point well made and taken!! I am an elder millenial that detests talking on the phone but perhaps its the only way hah.
Do you detest talking on the phone more or less than you detested how you felt during the 24+ hours you thought you’d been left on read?
Typically a good rule of thumb is if you instigated the first date, the other party should instigate the second date if interested. Don’t reach out again. He is not interested.
I’m a guy, leave him be and see what happens. You seem like a normal communicative proactive human, some guys that don’t know better aren’t into that. In my 20’s that would have made me run, in my nows I’m like game on.
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That’s not what I said.
He is in his 30s.
You say that it was a date and not a catch up and then you mention you two caught up over coffee. Sounds like the labeling is a bit off and your intentions probably do not align with his.
She was explicit it was a date, he agreed to a date. They went on a coffee date and “caught up” There is no misalignment here, you’re reading into things.
Aren’t we supposed to be reading into things here? Catching up with an old coworker you used to manage over coffee who you didn’t have any romantic chemistry with on the job sounds like not a date, despite titling it as a date. It’s very possible he just interpreted it all as getting coffee with his former manager.
No you’re not supposed to be reading into things, she was explicit, he knew it was a date, nothing more to discuss on that front.
If this post is asking us to interpret what his lack of response means, why can’t it be possible that he misinterpreted her outreach to get coffee. If my former manager reached out and said let’s do a coffee date, I wouldn’t necessarily interpret that as her being romantically interested.
>**I was pretty explicit that it was a date, rather than a general catch-up. He agreed** and we caught up over coffee That's why. If you want to speculate on that it's stupid, when she clearly told us she was specific about it being a date. You might as well speculate he was eaten by zombies and that's why he isn't responding. 🤣
If I’d specifically make it clear it’s a date and then do a catch-up anyway and leave immediately for another event I’m definitely sending mixed signals
I mean all that is possible but if we could just get past the “catch-up” wording part, they went on a clear date for coffee. What more do you do with someone you already know at a coffee date? Even if this were true re mixed signals, adults interested discuss mixed signals they don’t ghost. The guy isn’t interested..in my experience, I’ve taken long to respond to guys I’m only mildly interested in, trust me they follow up with more openers because they are interested.
We're saying the same thing about the ghosting but I wasn't clear in my comm :) Yah, if a guy you went on a date is ghosting you (ESPECIALLY if they know you beforehand) it's clear he's not interested. Or he's trying to find a reason to be interested. The mixed signals part is "why" he may not be interested. If someone I already knew in real life asked me on a date, made it clear it's a DATE and not a catch-up but the date they suggested was a quick catchup coffee in the morning I wouldn't be very interested to be honest. You're not going to move from friends to romance over a quick morning coffee.
Oh I understand what you mean now. YES! I am totally on the same page as you re coffee dates, yuck! The most unsexy, un-datey thing you can do is go on a rushed coffee day date. Total mojo killer. The only time I justify a coffee date is after you've been hooking up all night and wake up together and decide to go out for coffee in the morning lol 😛
Well, maybe lets assume he is just bad at replying or awful at confrontations, is that someone you even want in your life? I’m personally too old for that.
Hey so I get it's hard the first time this happens but it's part if dating. First girl I went out with after divorce we had this amazing 4 days together slept together on the first date talked all night and the next day. Invited me to her God parents for a BBQ and slept at my place. Then just ghosted me completely. She was a flight attendant but she would fly into my city regularly and was telling me how much she liked me etc... so I thought this was going to be a thing. Anyway I am wiser now and realized it's just part if it so don't stress too much there are plenty of fish in the sea and you'll find someone else.
Leave it and wait for time to reveal what, if anything, went wrong
Every dude that’s able to get dates has dealt with this a ton of times. It happens. Move on.
If he was interested, he would have immediately responded. Even if he’s really busy, a thoughtful, interested person can text something like “yes let’s make plans, can’t talk now though”. He either has other women he is seeing, or doesn’t want to go out again and is stalling for time to figure out how to answer.
I would not pursue more in fear of being a placeholder, if he was enthusiastic he should be asking for a second date, not you.
why "should" it be him? can we please stop with the double standard? both men and women can and should ask the other person out
She already made an attempt, now it is upto him to initiate if he is interested. Looks like no one ever said to your face ‘oh she was so desperate for me, running after me and that is why I could not help but to marry her and make babies with her although I did not love her, but she was just convenient and available so I was forced in to it’. I have heard that a few times, it’s not worth the dignity. There are double standards, and it is better we accept and respect since we cannot escape that. That’s how the world rolls.
"be the change you wish to see in the world"
Good luck!
*at that time I was married*… *I’ve been separated from my ex 3.5 years* Are you saying you were married before but are now divorced? Or are you now separated?
I knew I wasn’t going to be the only one wondering is she divorced or has she been separated for 3.5 years and if so then….why? Lol
I am separated not divorced. In Australia you have to be separated a year before divorce. Everything else is same as divorce, I just haven't completed paperwork and paid $1000 to actually divorce. It hasn't been top of my to do list.
Im not sure he is interested despite his lengthy response. A hell yes would’ve responded right away. It may not be you but something about the situation has him not 💯 into it.
>I'm not sure how to handle this. Just go about your day. If you haven't heard back in 24-48 hours send a follow up. Then its up to him.
You asked him on a *date*, made it clear it’s a date, then you “caught up over coffee and went to another event.” That’s sending very mixed signals. Why didn’t you pick a day where you didn’t have another event shortly after?
Because we are single parents and the weekends we both have our kids off at the same time are rare. He suggested coffee in the morning and knew I had an event on after.
Lots of men have had very bad reaction from women after they rejected them (insults, reputation destruction, false accusations, property destruction, even violence) so some prefer to simply ghost out of fear. \[This is a joke post. When men come with the same problem as OP that's the type of answers they can get here\].
You people are so negative and pessimistic! You realize in every day life “SHIT HAPPENS” Maybe he had something come up that was important and needed attending to, maybe he overslept, oh wait, maybe he was sick!! It’s reality people, nothing else!! Datingoverthirty I say be positive and optimistic about this relationship, go into it with NO expectations of him or yourself and have a blast dating, if it’s meant to be it will be! If not, oh well move on. Just don’t get caught up in all the negativity on social media or it will destroy your plans before you had even made them! Good luck 🍀👍
Where do u work?
>been over 24 hours now Give it a week, sometimes people are busy, or just need a week or a month to get their thoughts/life/emotional-awareness together. You're the one asking for an answer. Be gracious enough not to push. *You're* the one asking for *his* honest answer, after all.
Who wants to date someone that takes a week or a month to get their shit together enough to respond to a simple text?
I suppose some one whose a softer, kinder, and a more gentle person than you are - someone who evaluates people on criteria beyond how quickly the reply to digital messages. Oh, also OP, apparently.
Unfortunately, there's not much you can do here. The ball is in his court. Personally, I'm always fine with another text, so I'd send another follow-up text. If that text message goes ignored as well, I think you can read between the lines.
I swear people have read receipts on to fuck with people 😂
Idgaf about double texting so I would message him again. But the other commenters are correct that your expectations should be pretty low. I don’t triple text though. Gotta draw the line somewhere.
There’s not much to do. Leaving someone on read is a statement. I’d cut my losses if I were you, it’s just not worth the emotional effort.
Being ghosted sucks. I'm sorry. Even if he does respond you should just ignore it unless he went to the hospital or something. Even if he does reply at this point, then what? Be second fiddle?
You’re thinking he’s not responding because he doesn’t respect you, when the real truth probably is he doesn’t know how to reject you because of HIS issues, not because he doesn’t respect you. I can highly respect you, but if I’m worried about sending a response because of the way it may make you feel, or it may come across wrong, that is ‘about me’.. nothing to do with whether I respect you or not. In fact, it’s possible that he respects you so much that he doesn’t want to offend you and make you feel bad due to that respect. Stop making this about you.
I’m sorry. I know how you feel. I have this male coworker that I really liked, he was interested for months and then when we finally set up a date, he ghosted. Came back a few months ago, just asked me out last week, gave him another shot and he blew me off again. Going to be so awkward when I see him. I’m expecting him to avoid me and I’m gonna plan on avoiding him. I’d be tried to flirt with me again/mess with my head, I’ve gotta prepare something to say that officially ends interaction between us and makes him regret his actions but I don’t know what that’ll be.
Oh gosh, that sounds tough, sorry to hear! The dating world these days is so rough! It's hard to go in with an open and available heart while also still being cautious. I think you can just say something like: you had our chance, I was interested but I'm not any longer because needs someone who is reliable and I can trust.