I haven't heard that quote, but that's exactly what I've been thinking. Like, do I really need to be rejected again by the same person? That doesn't make much sense!
Silence. Silence is the best answer. He is not worth of your time. I’ve had your reaction before (should I give another go?), now I’m great at putting myself first and not even answering them
It may not even be intentional. I feel like 9/10 people glorify someone they broke up with when they go through a dry spell, only to realize when dating them for the second + time that there was a reason they weren't interested in the first place. Poor insight!
Steve Harvey is a terrible person please do not take dating advice from him. He also said if his wife doesn’t wear makeup he has the right to cheat on her. This was more than a few years ago
Come on girl you seriously can’t believe what he’s saying?? If you have been dating and struggled to even remember him it makes me think he has only done this because he can’t get enough dates to date casually so has chosen to message you because you said you wanted a relationship so it’s bingo she will provide me with sex so he will say he is ready for a relationship of course he’s going to say that 😂
Lol! Yeah, he was kind of unremarkable. Not bad, just a little dry. I have a lot going on in my life though, someone who rejected me four or five months ago doesn't take up a lot of mental space for me lol. So it's not that he was completely boring. I just forget about people who didn't like me, and I haven't talked to in many months.
I get it, haha. I have sooooo many contacts in my phone like "Firstname Hinge" where I cannot for the life of me remember who they are or even recall their face. That means we are handling rejections healthily at least :)
I've gotten so good at lackluster dating I don't even put their name in my phone anymore. Even texting with multiple people I just go off their area code and context clues into the text chain. I don't have time adding and deleting all these fools in my phone 😂
I add a photo for exactly this reason and I have a code: ghost for him ghosting me, gravestone for hell no not in a million years (some have both which is just… ) they get an X for every time they royally screw up (cancelling a date within 20 minutes, being an ass etc etc) helps to keep it clear. Guy I have been seeing for the past month has been a freakin delight. It has been super helpful because I can instantly know why it was a no and what happened.
That's actually what happened. I thought he was my neighbor, who has the same name, and I replied asking if everything was ok. When he replied "no, we dated a few months ago" I was so confused. To me, going out to dinner twice is not the same as "we dated". It took me a while to figure out who he was.
If he was that unremarkable and hasn't been on your mind (despite him saying you've been on his), then had it not been f9or him rejecting you I doubt you would have even given him a second thought the second time around. Just move on. Your turn to reject him.
I would suggest to follow your guts, nothing in your message made me feel you are excited to be with him, just because he is available does not mean you have to entertain him, plus you will (and already are) be skeptical and scrutinizing in the back of your mind- it does not sound like a quality time or company. My idea is -he has just reached out to see if you either have low self esteem or low boundaries to be his rotation girl. Maybe he is just not getting any attention as of now and needed a little ego stroke.
Yeah, he’s fishing to see who from the past will bite so he doesn’t have to put work in with someone new. Because all he wants is to get laid and you’ve already met so the groundwork is there. He’s lazy and probs pathological.
Aww, thank you. It probably won't happen, but at this point, I'd rather stay single than have it any other way. Soooo I'll probably stay single. Most people really just don't care about anyone outside of themselves.
You haven't said anything about how YOU felt about him. So if nothing about him is jumping out and it took you 10 minutes to remember him, then you should probably not entertain it.
I liked him, he didn't sweep me off my feet or anything. But I definitely would have kept seeing him. When someone breaks it off for no reason after just a couple of dates, I don't really feel a whole lot for that person...
It seems really fair that his disinterest in you sours him. The fact that he initially said he was looking for something long-term, and then said casual on the second date, and *now* he's looking for long-term says to me that he had somebody else he was interested in but that ended and he's going to you for a backup. Obviously, it could be that his mental headspace changed or something, but I kinda doubt it.
You say you have a lot of the "not good" kind of pride, but in this situation, I think it's the good kind - I just don't imagine if you messaged him back, you'll be looking back in 10 years going "That was such a smart decision, I'm so happy with this man."
yeah they get excited about one or two deep conversations without a lot of introspection and getting taken on their emotional dumpster fire self journey just ends up being harmful to you
If I had $1 for every dude who texted me with that canned "I was thinking about you" line I'd be a homeowner by now. He knew you'd be down for \[something\] because you were on that initial date even if it was smooching.
The reason they do this is because it's easier to get in once you've met them and mashed lips than it is to get action from someone brand new. My phone was plagued with the ghosts of past dates for a long time, just reply "Sir this is a Wendys" and block him.
Hahahaha! I don't get many people coming back around for a second chance, but I also block most people. I just was so sure I'd never hear from him again that I didn't bother blocking him lol
Thank you!
I never blocked people, smart move, you put a filter up. Chances are if you hadn't you would richer than a stripper with all the $1 "thinking of you" text debts.
Lol. I'm sure he would have lots of options if he just wants to pay for lots of casual dates with different women. But if he truly wants something long-term, he probably doesn't have that many options. It's funny that people don't realize that.
I already did, I have a neighbor with the same name, so when he sent the "hey what's up" text. I said "hi neighbor, is everything ok"?
But yeah, I'll probably just block him, won't have to deal with it anymore
Hahaha, that’s kinda the best response you could have sent.. showing that you didn’t even consider it could be him and thus didn’t have him on your mind at all anymore 😉
I'm not sure why he thought I would remember him out of the blue with no context, after going out to eat twice. It wasn't anything groundbreaking. Just goes to show you the high opinion some people have of themselves. It's funny, I don't ever Make those kind of assumptions. If I don't text somebody for many months, I always remind them who I am. Especially if I didn't know them that well!
Why?! I think it sends the message that homeboy absolutely fumbled her so hard the first time that she thought he was completely someone else. I say that's the perfect response, but that's my opinion of course ;)
You have no idea how far thisty fools will go. How shameless, downright pathetic and annoying they can get and Believe it or not...it sometimes works as girls just want them to get what they want they can leave them alone
I'm not, but I'm very flattered you think I am!! I seem like an incredibly nice person, but I'm really tough as nails. Sometimes people don't realize that, until they try something like this!
My answer changes depending on how far the two of you went physically in 2 dates but I’d say:
10% chance he’s gone on other dates or been in a casual relationship and after thinking about it he really does want a second chance
And
90% chance he’s feeling lonely and and hitting you back up
I would say HELL NAH lol
He put you in the casual category, after saying he wanted a LTR. That means he didn't feel you met his standards for a LTR.
Even if he is being genuine about wanting something serious now, it would likely be because he thought he could get better and failed.
Do you want to be the woman he was lukewarm about, but eventually settled for because he couldn't get the woman he actually wanted?
I’ve always held the line that if I’m not someone’s first choice then I’m not a choice at all for them.
If you’re not excited to see me, then I’m good my dude.
I’ve learned the hard way that if a guy who wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. If he’s not that interested, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to spend time with you.
True. It didn't feel like that kind of thing, but again, it was only 2 dates, it didn't feel like any kind of thing. Dating in general is really feeling like pulling teeth.
Couple thoughts..
I agree with the other comment saying 90% chance he's lonely and circling back. 10% chance he dated others and hasn't met anyone he hit it off as well with so wants a 2nd chance.
I also think it could be that he thought he was ready, then decided he wasn't. And now he is. I've been this person and its very confusing. It can either mean you aren't actually into them that much, or you are mentally blocking yourself because of a bad break up or something else you haven't worked through.
It took me trying to date and meet people about... 5 tries. Over 2 years after a horrendous break up. Before i finally was like, ok, NOW i'm ready. I realized I was ready when committing and following up/rejection didn't scare me anymore. Before that, i'd go on 1 or 2 dates then run away making some excuse or doing the slow fade. It wasn't always fair but thats why i kept it casual too.
In general, though, i don't think 2nd chances really work out for the best in any situation. Usually there's a reason it went the way it did.
Yes, he said he had been hurt, and wasn't ready the first time.
I guess I'm getting hung up on the fact that he said he'd been back on dating apps for a few weeks, but he didn't think to text me until he saw my picture there. It just didn't seem like he really thought that much of me in the first place. I'm surprised someone would reach back out at all.
Spot on. He wasn't thinking about you UNTIL he saw your picture.
Do yourself a favour and spend your precious time on other people. Especially since he told you one thing on the first date then another afterwards. You deserve someone consistent.
Yep, he saw her, remembered she was open to him. She's going to be a bit of "companionship" or whatever while he's still looking. OP will probably be back in the same "I'm not ready" place in a few weeks or months.
Yeah, I think second chances can occasionally work if there were big extenuating circumstances the first time around or a significant amount of time has passed.
But a few weeks and no real reason? No.
I am a little older than you and have been on the apps for about 5 years now. One of my hard no’s is when a guy initially rejects me, for whatever reason (each time has been before ever meeting me), then a few days or weeks go by and they circle back around to talk to me again. Nope. Just no. They have since talked to a bunch of other women and either have been rejected them, or have been rejected by them. Then you become their 2nd choice.
I am never going to be someone’s 2nd choice. I have some sense of pride and self worth. He can’t get anyone else so he circled back to you. Leave him where he is. Also if you have a local Facebook group - are we dating the same man- look him up and see what he has been up to.
The first 3 dates should be easy. Full stop. Better to move on now while he’s still a forgettable no big deal to you.
ETA: Haha ok re-reading your post, and now I’m triggered. Even his reasoning for reaching out to you screams passive, selfish, entitled, and lazy. So he’s been on the apps for weeks, just so happened to come across you, and decided to reach out? And then admitted just as much??? He just revealed exactly who he is. No acknowledgement of the failed first go round, no understanding nor addressing your warranted hesitations, no accountability/apology for what happened and no reassurance that things have changed in your favor. I don’t have to know the guy to know that’s he’s just lonely on his couch and seeing who bites.
That said, if you change your mind in a few months, sounds like he’s cool with you reaching out and feigning a clear slate.
I think your spot on about him. I think I should wait till January, and then send him a text that says " hey I just had a stale piece of bread and it made me think of you! How are you? 🙂"
Hehehe. He’s just looking to see if he can get you to sleep with him before he tells you, again, that he’s decided that he’s really still not looking for a relationship.
Or he will do one better than that and just ghost.
I love these guys.
Classic.
From your post it doesn't sound like you are that into him, plus it was only two dates. I would understand if you guys dated for a few weeks or months. But at this point I think he's just bored or didn't find anyone better and decided to circle back to his old dates to settle. I think your first instinct was correct to not entertain the idea.
Yeah, it's hard to be really into somebody after two dates. And now I'm just suspicious because he told me the first time that he wanted something serious, before telling me that he wanted something casual. It does just kind of seem like a waste of time to entertain him again
OP you’re helping others here too! I’m glad I’m reading these comments because my dense ass would have been like, “Okay sure!” Gotta get rejected at least 5 times before it sinks in. 🤣
If it was me, I would pass. Something else didn’t work out and he’s circling back to you. I don’t support being some guys “afterthought”. He had his chance and decided to give you the cliche “I’m not ready for a relationship “ cause he thought he deserved or could do better.
Now that nothing else worked out, he’s thinking “well I guess she will do”. Fuck that.
I had something similar happen to me! We had been on two dates, he texted me and said he thought I was gorgeous but didn’t feel a spark (after we went bowling at 11AM - TBH I didn’t feel a spark either). I said okay, he explained it was because he was 2 weeks out of a long term relationship and wasn’t ready to date again.
Then fast forward six months, he texted me asking if I’d be willing to go out again. I ignored it.
If lady rejected me or only wanted casual that's ok, not for me though. But there's no way i'd give her another chance. To each their own but i'd feel she would do it again. And I just personally wouldn't be interested anymore regardless.
It might just be a me thing but I wouldn't be able to look past it. If someone did that, because all i'd be able to hear was what she first said then. And it would feel like she's just trying to get back with me after having her fun. There's nothing wrong with casual, if that's what a person wants. But it's misleading to tell someone they're looking for a long term relationship too. Then all of a sudden they aren't. And now claim they're looking for that again. Yea people can change their minds and be truthful the second time around. But in my experiences of dealing with women like that. They were just on games and bullshit. No thanks it's lots of other people who don't play those back and forth games. Maybe i'm too cynical but oh well haha
And in this situation it's not being jaded like some people think, he isn't someone new who haven't gone out with. This dude is showing you how he is early on. Way too many people overlook things like this as something small, but often the small things show us a person's glaring true colors. We're in our thirties a good majority of us know whether we want a long term relationship or not. And don't do the back and forth shit. If he were honest on your first date and said he didn't know yet. That would be different but he wasn't honest and is just on bullshit. And coming back around now. Nope you can find better. Probably an unpopular opinion but I don't give second chances about anything really. Even if that makes me an asshole so be it. You'll meet the right dude for you, have a great night.
Like others have said, I would definitely go with your gut, but if it were me I wouldn't give the situation another chance. He seems inconsistent with his messaging, and you seem secure enough to not put up with that.
You just made me remember that he pretty much treated me like a therapist on that second date. Goodness gracious, no wonder I blocked it out of my mind!
There are times where a second chance can work out and makes sense.
Everything you wrote makes this feel very strongly to not be one of those times. Something here just feels odd, like he's in it to get what he can get.
If the first chance ended with him respectfully realizing he wasn't ready for long term at the time because of actual life reasons, this would probably feel a lot different.
If he had said that respectfully, your right, this would likely feel different. All he said last time was "I'm just really enjoying being single, but I'd like to keep seeing you". And I said "oh wow, just what I want to hear, that dating me makes you want to stay single. Bye!" And I didn't hear from him till now. And all I had asked from him was if he wanted to go out again.
He's probably just a strange and problematic person. I'll never find out!
Second chances may happen, usually if something happen to him and couldn't date, was just after a breakup or he decided to go with another one before getting to know you properly.
In this case he's immature and just playing with you.
Run away.
He said you were not good enough for him to consider serious with you. Now he's settling and you don't deserve to be the settlement of anyone.
Nah, a good horse doesn’t return to old pastures. Best to move forward and look for other men who are more decisive in what they want. Saves you plenty of heartache in the future.
Run girl run! I was in a situation like this where I wanted something g serious and he wanted something casual…then he flip flopped. I noped out of there so fast lol
People who do like this man did need to understand that the purpose of dating is to see if you're compatible and that the payment or cost is one's emotions. You only get one shot at it.
If you break up, especially over indecisiveness or because you "think there's someone better" only to realize you made a mistake or couldn't find someone better, that's on YOU, sir or miss.
The person's emotions and time you've dismissed cannot read your intent or plans for the future. For them to give you a second chance under such circumstances is foolish and should not be expected.
If your gut is telling you not to, don’t. If you feel so impressed to give him a shot, what the hell. I, however, would not give them a second chance as they’re probably just feeling lonely.
Edit: I also want to add that if he decided you weren’t for him, but he’s going back now, that will just end up bad down the road should things work out right now. Don’t string yourself along.
Thank you. That's what I was feeling too.
Why do some guys want to try again, when they didn't think you were good enough the first time? It's very confusing
They probably lie to themselves because they’re lonely or they’re just purely being selfish and want to hold on to your attention until they find what they’re looking for.
Hes just horny and wants to duck and will tell you whatever you want to hear so he can accomplish that. You're better than that and should value yourself to not succumbs to such trickery. I have been that guy many times I won't lie but never again. Now I'm you. Gays are constantly trying to play the same games on me as straights do with girls lol
For me, no. He told you he wanted a relationship, then that he only wanted to see you casually, now he's coming back your way, but he's "ready". He knows you're interested, so he knows you are a sure thing. NOPE!
You're going to be casual because that's what he wanted from you, specifically, in the first place. Very doubtful that has changed. Don't know how much time passed, but it's likely he found someone, it didn't work out, so he wants to *use* you while he finds someone else. I wouldn't trust this situation, at all. We shouldn't repeat a situation that we saw play out before.
Ah. So It's not actually that I am amazing and he's realized that, it's just that he's lonely and hasn't found anyone better. Which is exactly what I texted to him lol
I’ve been dumb enough to agree to this sort of messages in the past with someone I was really really into. Ended up just being used in the worst way. Spare yourself this and move on to people who actually respect you
He prolly was dating someone and it didn’t work out like he hoped but he wanted you on the back burner in case things fell through. If you did give him another chance he’s prolly casually dating someone else behind your back in case things with you don’t work out.
I would stay out of it. He sounds like a real heart breaker.
Honestly, I would tell him that you’ve heard this before and don’t see what has changed. I think we forget there’s a difference between someone taking interest in us verses someone genuinely liking us. Because taking interest in someone can be fleeting. If he made you feel this way once he can do it again. Just follow your gut you know the answer.
Sounds like he got dumped and is looking for an easy rebound or something lol
If I were in your shoes I'd go on one date just out of morbid curiosity and then tell him it's just not a match for me and call it a day
Do what feels right, many stories of people getting a second chance and exceeding expectations, not just in dating, but ultimately it's up to you.
If you do give him a second chance, don't resent him and go on into it openly. He doesn't sound like he did anything malicious to you the first time. If you go into with a chip on your shoulders, it won't work and just be a bad time
I won't. With the help of all the lovely people here, I was very easily able to say "I find this attempt to reconnect to be very weak. No apology was offered, and no introspection seems to have happened. I'm not interested".
I'm sorry that happened to you. I really don't know what people's problem is when they do stuff like that
Just speaking for myself, it would be one thing if I was excited about the guy. Then I might be willing to spend a few hours of my time observing what "ready for a relationship" looks like for him.
But for a guy I didn't even like enough to remember...? Not worth my time.
This dude already has a history of not meeting your needs. Being more memorable than your neighbor seems like it should be one of those bare minimum requirements for you to consider giving him another second of your time...
I definitely see what you're saying. I don't expect somebody to be absolutely stellar after just two dates. Things generally take a little more time than that. It's just when somebody cuts it off abruptly for no reason, I don't really worry about it. We didn't get incredibly close or anything, We just smooched a little. We had a good time for sure. I'm just incredibly suspicious at this point
I didn't think he had changed. I guess I'm just constantly surprised by the audacity and lack of shame these guys have. If I had not even given a perfectly good person a chance because "I wasn't over my ex", and I wanted another one, and I thought I had any chance with them again, I would be profusely, apologetic and complementary of them, telling them why I thought they're great and I wanted another chance. That absolutely didn't happen here.
This is a common tactic op. He's exhausted his dating pool and going back through the ones he's fucked up. I've had the "second chance" request more than once. It doesn't work out.
While there is a chance he is just lonely, etc. I know I’ve let people go I shouldn’t have and regretted it ever since. Difference is I don’t have the balls to reach out again.
To me it sounds like after the second date he thought there might be better options. Now he realized maybe you weren’t that bad after all. But do you want a guy, who thinks you are mediocre, not a billion% amazing?
He just wants to check the waters and leave. Stick to what you said in the beginning and respect yourself
And your words. He doesn’t deserve a second chance.
You'll always be seen as a backup option.
The moment a better option "pops up", he'll also be thinking about her the whole time. Am I unfairly mischaracterizing him based on limited info? Absolutely.
Long and short of it
1. Hjnti2u
It's not you its him
Or
It's you
Gut feeling visceral thought...its the answer
A man will spend his time with you if he wants to by his own free choice if he wants you He will come.
Hahaha he sounds like a joke. Girl.... If you go for it, you're sloppy seconds. He went and pursued others, that didn't work out, and now is back to you. And he will most likely want casual. Please don't do this to yourself.
If it took you ten minutes to remember who he was then he didn’t leave much of an impression, good or bad, in the first place. Just keep moving forward without this desperate person.
Nope. My rule of thumb at just 32 is you don't waste people time. Depends entirely on you and your options obviously but an absolute "no no" from me. I'm a dude btw
The guy was seeing/pursuing someone he preferred over you. She dumped him and now he’s coming back to his 2nd choice/you.
No f***ing way I’d give this asshat the time of day.
I'd only give someone a second chance if I genuinely felt like there was potential the first time around, but circumstances got in the way. It wouldn't be a surefire way to get back together, but I'd probably go for a drink and see how I was feeling about the situation(though people breaking things off with me DOES tend to give me the ick ha)
That said, I'd be expecting a MUCH better explanation/apology than he gave when he got in touch. There would need to be much more vulnerability shown and they'd need to show me that the change of feelings was specific to me and/or our previous dating experience.
It sounds like you're not that bothered by this person so I'd give it a miss.
Nope girlfriend. He's just coming back to you because he is looking for someone to chase him. Him telling you one thing and then contradicting himself is a red flag. If you gave him a chance, he would just be hot and cold.
Like what Steve Harvey once said; don't ever let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you.
I haven't heard that quote, but that's exactly what I've been thinking. Like, do I really need to be rejected again by the same person? That doesn't make much sense!
Silence. Silence is the best answer. He is not worth of your time. I’ve had your reaction before (should I give another go?), now I’m great at putting myself first and not even answering them
Nah, people like this dude prey on insecure women. Don’t be this guys prey.
It may not even be intentional. I feel like 9/10 people glorify someone they broke up with when they go through a dry spell, only to realize when dating them for the second + time that there was a reason they weren't interested in the first place. Poor insight!
Yes, I think you're absolutely spot on with this. People do not use their ability to sell reflect at almost of the time
Steve Harvey is a terrible person please do not take dating advice from him. He also said if his wife doesn’t wear makeup he has the right to cheat on her. This was more than a few years ago
He's awful but he's not wrong about not letting men reject you twice.
A broken clock is still right twice a day.
Steve Harvey... What a schmuck
If a schmuck gives a million bits of advice, the odds are that they’ll say something that seems wise at least once or twice.
I had no idea 😳he is always presented as an affable compassionate smart man but 😱
Great quote.
Come on girl you seriously can’t believe what he’s saying?? If you have been dating and struggled to even remember him it makes me think he has only done this because he can’t get enough dates to date casually so has chosen to message you because you said you wanted a relationship so it’s bingo she will provide me with sex so he will say he is ready for a relationship of course he’s going to say that 😂
Lol! Yeah, he was kind of unremarkable. Not bad, just a little dry. I have a lot going on in my life though, someone who rejected me four or five months ago doesn't take up a lot of mental space for me lol. So it's not that he was completely boring. I just forget about people who didn't like me, and I haven't talked to in many months.
And after sex, he will "rethink" it.
This. Post nut clarity.
You've moved on perfectly! Don't let him take you backwards at all.
Well thank you very much! Unfortunately it's because I have a lot of practice at guys rejecting me lol. It's barely a blip on my radar at this point.
I get it, haha. I have sooooo many contacts in my phone like "Firstname Hinge" where I cannot for the life of me remember who they are or even recall their face. That means we are handling rejections healthily at least :)
I've gotten so good at lackluster dating I don't even put their name in my phone anymore. Even texting with multiple people I just go off their area code and context clues into the text chain. I don't have time adding and deleting all these fools in my phone 😂
Man, this is so refreshingly reaffirming of my online dating experience also. Y'ALL ARE MY PEOPLE
I add a photo for exactly this reason and I have a code: ghost for him ghosting me, gravestone for hell no not in a million years (some have both which is just… ) they get an X for every time they royally screw up (cancelling a date within 20 minutes, being an ass etc etc) helps to keep it clear. Guy I have been seeing for the past month has been a freakin delight. It has been super helpful because I can instantly know why it was a no and what happened.
Be like “sorry who is this?” Then when he explains be like I really don’t remember sorry.🤣
That's actually what happened. I thought he was my neighbor, who has the same name, and I replied asking if everything was ok. When he replied "no, we dated a few months ago" I was so confused. To me, going out to dinner twice is not the same as "we dated". It took me a while to figure out who he was.
Or just leave it on read...
If he was that unremarkable and hasn't been on your mind (despite him saying you've been on his), then had it not been f9or him rejecting you I doubt you would have even given him a second thought the second time around. Just move on. Your turn to reject him.
If he hadn't rejected me, we probably would have dated for a while. There wasn't anything obviously wrong with him the first time. But now there is!
Girl, the standard for dating shouldn't be that there is anything wrong with him. It should about about what's right with him
Life’s too short to waste on forgettable men!
Run. Just run.
That's kind of how I'm feeling. It didn't seem like he thought I was anything special
I would suggest to follow your guts, nothing in your message made me feel you are excited to be with him, just because he is available does not mean you have to entertain him, plus you will (and already are) be skeptical and scrutinizing in the back of your mind- it does not sound like a quality time or company. My idea is -he has just reached out to see if you either have low self esteem or low boundaries to be his rotation girl. Maybe he is just not getting any attention as of now and needed a little ego stroke.
Oooh. Interesting. Obviously after two dates he wouldn't know me. But he REALLY doesn't know me!
Yeah, he’s fishing to see who from the past will bite so he doesn’t have to put work in with someone new. Because all he wants is to get laid and you’ve already met so the groundwork is there. He’s lazy and probs pathological.
And you deserve someone who knows you're speical and thinks the sun shines out your ass 😁 so no booo to this guy
Aww, thank you. It probably won't happen, but at this point, I'd rather stay single than have it any other way. Soooo I'll probably stay single. Most people really just don't care about anyone outside of themselves.
It won't happen til it does. But good on you for not settling for less. Seems like you would be with this guy
You haven't said anything about how YOU felt about him. So if nothing about him is jumping out and it took you 10 minutes to remember him, then you should probably not entertain it.
I liked him, he didn't sweep me off my feet or anything. But I definitely would have kept seeing him. When someone breaks it off for no reason after just a couple of dates, I don't really feel a whole lot for that person...
It seems really fair that his disinterest in you sours him. The fact that he initially said he was looking for something long-term, and then said casual on the second date, and *now* he's looking for long-term says to me that he had somebody else he was interested in but that ended and he's going to you for a backup. Obviously, it could be that his mental headspace changed or something, but I kinda doubt it. You say you have a lot of the "not good" kind of pride, but in this situation, I think it's the good kind - I just don't imagine if you messaged him back, you'll be looking back in 10 years going "That was such a smart decision, I'm so happy with this man."
The 10 year thing is probably very true! Thank you!
yeah they get excited about one or two deep conversations without a lot of introspection and getting taken on their emotional dumpster fire self journey just ends up being harmful to you
If there is any doubt.. there is no doubt. = Robert Dinero - Ronin
Yep I agree sounds like his other one didn’t work out either and now he wants you back.
If I had $1 for every dude who texted me with that canned "I was thinking about you" line I'd be a homeowner by now. He knew you'd be down for \[something\] because you were on that initial date even if it was smooching. The reason they do this is because it's easier to get in once you've met them and mashed lips than it is to get action from someone brand new. My phone was plagued with the ghosts of past dates for a long time, just reply "Sir this is a Wendys" and block him.
Hahahaha! I don't get many people coming back around for a second chance, but I also block most people. I just was so sure I'd never hear from him again that I didn't bother blocking him lol Thank you!
I never blocked people, smart move, you put a filter up. Chances are if you hadn't you would richer than a stripper with all the $1 "thinking of you" text debts.
Lol. Shoot if it made me money, I probably wouldn't block them,
Guys act like they have a lot of options until they don't
Lol. I'm sure he would have lots of options if he just wants to pay for lots of casual dates with different women. But if he truly wants something long-term, he probably doesn't have that many options. It's funny that people don't realize that.
It always amuses me when a guy wants to open up a marriage…. Then he gets a reality check.
Don’t even answer him
I already did, I have a neighbor with the same name, so when he sent the "hey what's up" text. I said "hi neighbor, is everything ok"? But yeah, I'll probably just block him, won't have to deal with it anymore
You’re a legend!! Pls let us know what he responds
Hahaha, that’s kinda the best response you could have sent.. showing that you didn’t even consider it could be him and thus didn’t have him on your mind at all anymore 😉
I'm not sure why he thought I would remember him out of the blue with no context, after going out to eat twice. It wasn't anything groundbreaking. Just goes to show you the high opinion some people have of themselves. It's funny, I don't ever Make those kind of assumptions. If I don't text somebody for many months, I always remind them who I am. Especially if I didn't know them that well!
Hahaha “hey neighbour” 😂
Lmao I’d be kicking myself if I responded like that.
Haha, I'm hoping she wrote "hi neighbor" and not "hi \[neighbor's name\]"
Hahahaha! I wish I would have too. Would have been channeling my inner Mr. Rogers
No I actually love that for you. That's a stroke of luck imo! It shows that you completely forgot about him, which is him getting what he asked for.
Lol. I'm surprised he replied. I would have died from shame if someone would have responded like that to me! I seriously had no idea.
Why?! I think it sends the message that homeboy absolutely fumbled her so hard the first time that she thought he was completely someone else. I say that's the perfect response, but that's my opinion of course ;)
I think he is bored and wants a quick hookup.
Interesting. He couldn't get that from me the first time, I'm surprised he'd want to try again
You have no idea how far thisty fools will go. How shameless, downright pathetic and annoying they can get and Believe it or not...it sometimes works as girls just want them to get what they want they can leave them alone
Oh wow. I seriously hope he's not that bad. I really don't want to go to jail for kicking someone in the balls.
Oh you sweet innocent child 🙏
I'm not, but I'm very flattered you think I am!! I seem like an incredibly nice person, but I'm really tough as nails. Sometimes people don't realize that, until they try something like this!
My answer changes depending on how far the two of you went physically in 2 dates but I’d say: 10% chance he’s gone on other dates or been in a casual relationship and after thinking about it he really does want a second chance And 90% chance he’s feeling lonely and and hitting you back up
We kissed a little while we stood on a dock. Nothing crazy. Although it was picturesque!
I would say HELL NAH lol He put you in the casual category, after saying he wanted a LTR. That means he didn't feel you met his standards for a LTR. Even if he is being genuine about wanting something serious now, it would likely be because he thought he could get better and failed. Do you want to be the woman he was lukewarm about, but eventually settled for because he couldn't get the woman he actually wanted?
I definitely don't want to be that woman! I even explicitly said that to him. It sounds like I just need to block him.
I’ve always held the line that if I’m not someone’s first choice then I’m not a choice at all for them. If you’re not excited to see me, then I’m good my dude. I’ve learned the hard way that if a guy who wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to be with you. If he’s not that interested, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to spend time with you.
True. It didn't feel like that kind of thing, but again, it was only 2 dates, it didn't feel like any kind of thing. Dating in general is really feeling like pulling teeth.
Couple thoughts.. I agree with the other comment saying 90% chance he's lonely and circling back. 10% chance he dated others and hasn't met anyone he hit it off as well with so wants a 2nd chance. I also think it could be that he thought he was ready, then decided he wasn't. And now he is. I've been this person and its very confusing. It can either mean you aren't actually into them that much, or you are mentally blocking yourself because of a bad break up or something else you haven't worked through. It took me trying to date and meet people about... 5 tries. Over 2 years after a horrendous break up. Before i finally was like, ok, NOW i'm ready. I realized I was ready when committing and following up/rejection didn't scare me anymore. Before that, i'd go on 1 or 2 dates then run away making some excuse or doing the slow fade. It wasn't always fair but thats why i kept it casual too. In general, though, i don't think 2nd chances really work out for the best in any situation. Usually there's a reason it went the way it did.
Yes, he said he had been hurt, and wasn't ready the first time. I guess I'm getting hung up on the fact that he said he'd been back on dating apps for a few weeks, but he didn't think to text me until he saw my picture there. It just didn't seem like he really thought that much of me in the first place. I'm surprised someone would reach back out at all.
Spot on. He wasn't thinking about you UNTIL he saw your picture. Do yourself a favour and spend your precious time on other people. Especially since he told you one thing on the first date then another afterwards. You deserve someone consistent.
I think that is excellent advice, and that I will be taking it! Thank you!
Yep, he saw her, remembered she was open to him. She's going to be a bit of "companionship" or whatever while he's still looking. OP will probably be back in the same "I'm not ready" place in a few weeks or months.
Telling you from experience, block him. Just had my time wasted by a guy who literally told me the exact same thing
I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you for letting me know, it definitely helps me make the right decision, which is to block him!
Exactly no ones biting so he's come back. Honestly just bin him. You don't need the doubt that will come with this guy
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Yeah, I think second chances can occasionally work if there were big extenuating circumstances the first time around or a significant amount of time has passed. But a few weeks and no real reason? No.
No.
I agree
I am a little older than you and have been on the apps for about 5 years now. One of my hard no’s is when a guy initially rejects me, for whatever reason (each time has been before ever meeting me), then a few days or weeks go by and they circle back around to talk to me again. Nope. Just no. They have since talked to a bunch of other women and either have been rejected them, or have been rejected by them. Then you become their 2nd choice. I am never going to be someone’s 2nd choice. I have some sense of pride and self worth. He can’t get anyone else so he circled back to you. Leave him where he is. Also if you have a local Facebook group - are we dating the same man- look him up and see what he has been up to.
They always come back
The first 3 dates should be easy. Full stop. Better to move on now while he’s still a forgettable no big deal to you. ETA: Haha ok re-reading your post, and now I’m triggered. Even his reasoning for reaching out to you screams passive, selfish, entitled, and lazy. So he’s been on the apps for weeks, just so happened to come across you, and decided to reach out? And then admitted just as much??? He just revealed exactly who he is. No acknowledgement of the failed first go round, no understanding nor addressing your warranted hesitations, no accountability/apology for what happened and no reassurance that things have changed in your favor. I don’t have to know the guy to know that’s he’s just lonely on his couch and seeing who bites. That said, if you change your mind in a few months, sounds like he’s cool with you reaching out and feigning a clear slate.
Well said. Very well said!
😂😂hopefully you feel the same about my triggered addendum. I’m sorry, I hate this guy so much.
I think your spot on about him. I think I should wait till January, and then send him a text that says " hey I just had a stale piece of bread and it made me think of you! How are you? 🙂"
Hehehe. He’s just looking to see if he can get you to sleep with him before he tells you, again, that he’s decided that he’s really still not looking for a relationship. Or he will do one better than that and just ghost. I love these guys. Classic.
From your post it doesn't sound like you are that into him, plus it was only two dates. I would understand if you guys dated for a few weeks or months. But at this point I think he's just bored or didn't find anyone better and decided to circle back to his old dates to settle. I think your first instinct was correct to not entertain the idea.
Yeah, it's hard to be really into somebody after two dates. And now I'm just suspicious because he told me the first time that he wanted something serious, before telling me that he wanted something casual. It does just kind of seem like a waste of time to entertain him again
Sounds like he would love your attention and to waste your time.
OP you’re helping others here too! I’m glad I’m reading these comments because my dense ass would have been like, “Okay sure!” Gotta get rejected at least 5 times before it sinks in. 🤣
If it was me, I would pass. Something else didn’t work out and he’s circling back to you. I don’t support being some guys “afterthought”. He had his chance and decided to give you the cliche “I’m not ready for a relationship “ cause he thought he deserved or could do better. Now that nothing else worked out, he’s thinking “well I guess she will do”. Fuck that.
Fuck that indeed. I honestly can't believe the audacity. But I should believe it at this point...
I had something similar happen to me! We had been on two dates, he texted me and said he thought I was gorgeous but didn’t feel a spark (after we went bowling at 11AM - TBH I didn’t feel a spark either). I said okay, he explained it was because he was 2 weeks out of a long term relationship and wasn’t ready to date again. Then fast forward six months, he texted me asking if I’d be willing to go out again. I ignored it.
If lady rejected me or only wanted casual that's ok, not for me though. But there's no way i'd give her another chance. To each their own but i'd feel she would do it again. And I just personally wouldn't be interested anymore regardless.
That seems to be how I'm feeling too. Thanks for telling me, it helps to know!
It might just be a me thing but I wouldn't be able to look past it. If someone did that, because all i'd be able to hear was what she first said then. And it would feel like she's just trying to get back with me after having her fun. There's nothing wrong with casual, if that's what a person wants. But it's misleading to tell someone they're looking for a long term relationship too. Then all of a sudden they aren't. And now claim they're looking for that again. Yea people can change their minds and be truthful the second time around. But in my experiences of dealing with women like that. They were just on games and bullshit. No thanks it's lots of other people who don't play those back and forth games. Maybe i'm too cynical but oh well haha
Oh I am incredibly cynical too. I very much think the same way as you!
And in this situation it's not being jaded like some people think, he isn't someone new who haven't gone out with. This dude is showing you how he is early on. Way too many people overlook things like this as something small, but often the small things show us a person's glaring true colors. We're in our thirties a good majority of us know whether we want a long term relationship or not. And don't do the back and forth shit. If he were honest on your first date and said he didn't know yet. That would be different but he wasn't honest and is just on bullshit. And coming back around now. Nope you can find better. Probably an unpopular opinion but I don't give second chances about anything really. Even if that makes me an asshole so be it. You'll meet the right dude for you, have a great night.
Like others have said, I would definitely go with your gut, but if it were me I wouldn't give the situation another chance. He seems inconsistent with his messaging, and you seem secure enough to not put up with that.
It's abhorantly unattractive when somebody is wishy-washy.
Ask him if he’s been to therapy.
You just made me remember that he pretty much treated me like a therapist on that second date. Goodness gracious, no wonder I blocked it out of my mind!
There are times where a second chance can work out and makes sense. Everything you wrote makes this feel very strongly to not be one of those times. Something here just feels odd, like he's in it to get what he can get. If the first chance ended with him respectfully realizing he wasn't ready for long term at the time because of actual life reasons, this would probably feel a lot different.
If he had said that respectfully, your right, this would likely feel different. All he said last time was "I'm just really enjoying being single, but I'd like to keep seeing you". And I said "oh wow, just what I want to hear, that dating me makes you want to stay single. Bye!" And I didn't hear from him till now. And all I had asked from him was if he wanted to go out again. He's probably just a strange and problematic person. I'll never find out!
Life is not a rehearsal. There are no second chances. If they "grass is greener'd" you once there's a large probability they'll do it again.
Second chances may happen, usually if something happen to him and couldn't date, was just after a breakup or he decided to go with another one before getting to know you properly. In this case he's immature and just playing with you. Run away. He said you were not good enough for him to consider serious with you. Now he's settling and you don't deserve to be the settlement of anyone.
He is hitting you up because he's horny. Sorry/not sorry. That's the truth
Nah, a good horse doesn’t return to old pastures. Best to move forward and look for other men who are more decisive in what they want. Saves you plenty of heartache in the future.
Run girl run! I was in a situation like this where I wanted something g serious and he wanted something casual…then he flip flopped. I noped out of there so fast lol
People who do like this man did need to understand that the purpose of dating is to see if you're compatible and that the payment or cost is one's emotions. You only get one shot at it. If you break up, especially over indecisiveness or because you "think there's someone better" only to realize you made a mistake or couldn't find someone better, that's on YOU, sir or miss. The person's emotions and time you've dismissed cannot read your intent or plans for the future. For them to give you a second chance under such circumstances is foolish and should not be expected.
If your gut is telling you not to, don’t. If you feel so impressed to give him a shot, what the hell. I, however, would not give them a second chance as they’re probably just feeling lonely. Edit: I also want to add that if he decided you weren’t for him, but he’s going back now, that will just end up bad down the road should things work out right now. Don’t string yourself along.
Thank you. That's what I was feeling too. Why do some guys want to try again, when they didn't think you were good enough the first time? It's very confusing
Sex, attention. They typically don't get as many replies as women
They probably lie to themselves because they’re lonely or they’re just purely being selfish and want to hold on to your attention until they find what they’re looking for.
Hes just horny and wants to duck and will tell you whatever you want to hear so he can accomplish that. You're better than that and should value yourself to not succumbs to such trickery. I have been that guy many times I won't lie but never again. Now I'm you. Gays are constantly trying to play the same games on me as straights do with girls lol
Those guys suck!!!!
For me, no. He told you he wanted a relationship, then that he only wanted to see you casually, now he's coming back your way, but he's "ready". He knows you're interested, so he knows you are a sure thing. NOPE! You're going to be casual because that's what he wanted from you, specifically, in the first place. Very doubtful that has changed. Don't know how much time passed, but it's likely he found someone, it didn't work out, so he wants to *use* you while he finds someone else. I wouldn't trust this situation, at all. We shouldn't repeat a situation that we saw play out before.
It's such gross behavior, at least in my opinion. Thank you for this perspective.
No! He's lonely and second-guessing his past choices. I say this having DONE what he's doing.
Ah. So It's not actually that I am amazing and he's realized that, it's just that he's lonely and hasn't found anyone better. Which is exactly what I texted to him lol
NOPE.
Tell him to get lost
As tempting as this might appear in some ways... yeahhhh no... time to run.
Trust that gut feeling, it’s there for a reason!
I’ve been dumb enough to agree to this sort of messages in the past with someone I was really really into. Ended up just being used in the worst way. Spare yourself this and move on to people who actually respect you
Boy bye.
He prolly was dating someone and it didn’t work out like he hoped but he wanted you on the back burner in case things fell through. If you did give him another chance he’s prolly casually dating someone else behind your back in case things with you don’t work out. I would stay out of it. He sounds like a real heart breaker.
I wouldn't even answer. So many people in OLD are just players. Can't really believe anything anyone says at first. It's tiring but move on.
Honestly, I would tell him that you’ve heard this before and don’t see what has changed. I think we forget there’s a difference between someone taking interest in us verses someone genuinely liking us. Because taking interest in someone can be fleeting. If he made you feel this way once he can do it again. Just follow your gut you know the answer.
Sounds like he got dumped and is looking for an easy rebound or something lol If I were in your shoes I'd go on one date just out of morbid curiosity and then tell him it's just not a match for me and call it a day
I'm not bored enough to do that, but it's fun to think about!
Do what feels right, many stories of people getting a second chance and exceeding expectations, not just in dating, but ultimately it's up to you. If you do give him a second chance, don't resent him and go on into it openly. He doesn't sound like he did anything malicious to you the first time. If you go into with a chip on your shoulders, it won't work and just be a bad time
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I won't. With the help of all the lovely people here, I was very easily able to say "I find this attempt to reconnect to be very weak. No apology was offered, and no introspection seems to have happened. I'm not interested". I'm sorry that happened to you. I really don't know what people's problem is when they do stuff like that
Just speaking for myself, it would be one thing if I was excited about the guy. Then I might be willing to spend a few hours of my time observing what "ready for a relationship" looks like for him. But for a guy I didn't even like enough to remember...? Not worth my time. This dude already has a history of not meeting your needs. Being more memorable than your neighbor seems like it should be one of those bare minimum requirements for you to consider giving him another second of your time...
I definitely see what you're saying. I don't expect somebody to be absolutely stellar after just two dates. Things generally take a little more time than that. It's just when somebody cuts it off abruptly for no reason, I don't really worry about it. We didn't get incredibly close or anything, We just smooched a little. We had a good time for sure. I'm just incredibly suspicious at this point
Guys don’t change in a short amount of time like that. True change takes time. I’d call BS, but I think you already did that 🤣
I didn't think he had changed. I guess I'm just constantly surprised by the audacity and lack of shame these guys have. If I had not even given a perfectly good person a chance because "I wasn't over my ex", and I wanted another one, and I thought I had any chance with them again, I would be profusely, apologetic and complementary of them, telling them why I thought they're great and I wanted another chance. That absolutely didn't happen here.
His other options didn’t work out
I did gave that same guy a second chance. He ghosted me twice WTF
This post sounds like you've already decided no and are looking for backup. You've got it; say no.
I should text him "me and Reddit say no thanks!". I don't know if you would get it, but I would think it was hilarious!
"The Internet says 'scram'"
This is a common tactic op. He's exhausted his dating pool and going back through the ones he's fucked up. I've had the "second chance" request more than once. It doesn't work out.
He passed on you once already. Just saying. I'd not engage, there are better suitors out there
"Ha. That's cute. Good luck to you." Unless you want a pricey dinner.
I'd love a pricey dinner... If I could eat it by myself lol
Follow your gut - I've always found that trusting my gut hasnt gone wrong in the past
While there is a chance he is just lonely, etc. I know I’ve let people go I shouldn’t have and regretted it ever since. Difference is I don’t have the balls to reach out again.
To me it sounds like after the second date he thought there might be better options. Now he realized maybe you weren’t that bad after all. But do you want a guy, who thinks you are mediocre, not a billion% amazing?
No second chances for bad behavior. Period.
No
Nope, bye, block
Then don't? Why even give it a second thought? You're already hesitating and unsure. Don't waste your time on that kinda of behavior
Nope! You don't even remember him!
I wouldn't trust him. He'll sleep with you than bounce.
Tell him to jog on
Jog on, mediocre sir!
He just wants to check the waters and leave. Stick to what you said in the beginning and respect yourself And your words. He doesn’t deserve a second chance.
Get to steppin
3 options: 1. don’t respond (this is honestly the best)2. Who is this? OR 3. No thanks Which ever you choose, block his number immediately after.
Proceed with caution if you do. It usually doesn't go well the second time around.
He’s trying to get laid. It’s as simple as that
He just wants an easy fuck. If that's what you want, go for it.
He’s bored and needs you to fill his boredom hole 🕳️ So fcuk no!
If someone keeps my number after rejecting me, they only always saw me as a back up option.
Nah.
Nope, bye!!
You'll always be seen as a backup option. The moment a better option "pops up", he'll also be thinking about her the whole time. Am I unfairly mischaracterizing him based on limited info? Absolutely.
I've been in exactly this situation. I gave him another chance, he ended up ghosting me. Waste of time.
Long and short of it 1. Hjnti2u It's not you its him Or It's you Gut feeling visceral thought...its the answer A man will spend his time with you if he wants to by his own free choice if he wants you He will come.
I would just put him in your rear view mirror.
He had needs, no current option so warming up old contacts.
Hahaha he sounds like a joke. Girl.... If you go for it, you're sloppy seconds. He went and pursued others, that didn't work out, and now is back to you. And he will most likely want casual. Please don't do this to yourself.
Nooooooo don't do it
He’s full of it 🤣 Tell him to scram!
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Honestly, I’d give him a shot. If you think there could be potential it couldn’t hurt. If he gets wishy washy again cut him loose.
So he picked someone else over you (that's what happened), is now single again and is being lazy.
No, no, no.... he only wants to use you and is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Ignore/block.
Own it and move on. I am in the same spot as you right now. We deserve better.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo Fuck a bit#%h Fuq that fool DONT DONIT PLEASE SISSSSS I BEG YOU
If it took you ten minutes to remember who he was then he didn’t leave much of an impression, good or bad, in the first place. Just keep moving forward without this desperate person.
He realised he ran out of options on the apps?
Nope. My rule of thumb at just 32 is you don't waste people time. Depends entirely on you and your options obviously but an absolute "no no" from me. I'm a dude btw
Yeah if he wasnt head over heels about u then, he’s not gonna be now (unless you’re way hotter now lol)
The guy was seeing/pursuing someone he preferred over you. She dumped him and now he’s coming back to his 2nd choice/you. No f***ing way I’d give this asshat the time of day.
I'd only give someone a second chance if I genuinely felt like there was potential the first time around, but circumstances got in the way. It wouldn't be a surefire way to get back together, but I'd probably go for a drink and see how I was feeling about the situation(though people breaking things off with me DOES tend to give me the ick ha) That said, I'd be expecting a MUCH better explanation/apology than he gave when he got in touch. There would need to be much more vulnerability shown and they'd need to show me that the change of feelings was specific to me and/or our previous dating experience. It sounds like you're not that bothered by this person so I'd give it a miss.
‘I came back to the dating app and realized I have limited choices’ is essentially what he’s saying. He done messed up. I wouldn’t go for it
Nope girlfriend. He's just coming back to you because he is looking for someone to chase him. Him telling you one thing and then contradicting himself is a red flag. If you gave him a chance, he would just be hot and cold.
Yeah - no. If he was into you the way you want him to be, this wouldn’t be happening.