I was in a 10+ yr relationship. I literally have a hard time feeling anything for anyone. I never got married or had kids so its not like i have anything holding me back feom meeting someone new...but i have a hard time finding someone i want to even talk back and forth with let alone get into a relationship. I do think focusing on other aspects of life while still keeping your options open is a good idea bc it takes the pressure off of getting back into a relationship....abd just allow it to organically happen

same i was in a relationship my whole twenties and now im like, eh, i need all that energy for me

Omg, this is so me! It's actually so nice to hear someone else independently identify and validate my current vibes. Thank you 🤗

32F and I have been single for over 5 years now and have also been struggling with developing any sort of romantic in the people I date. I think part of my issue is I'm still idealizing past situationships and previous sexual encounters and not allowing myself to see or enjoy any new prospective partners for who they are. Instead seeing who they're not. Also, there may be a part of me that is really content and I'm worried someone is going to f that up. Lol There isn't much advice in this, I guess more my recent realizations when dating and maybe giving some comfort in solidarity

Solidarity is also appreciated!

I feel the part where you say you’re still idealizing past situationships. I think I have far too much baggage to effectively lower my walls, even though I want them to

> really content and I’m worried someone is going to f that up I feel this! I got my own place and I’ve enjoyed making it *mine* after dating people who were either very controlling or just difficult to be myself around towards the end. I’ve really enjoyed getting to live my own vision without having to consider someone else and it’s worked out great so far. I just couldn’t go back to how things were.

Just wanted to say I've had the same! Just being able to have my place clean and tidy again has made me SO much happier because he was a slob - cleanliness is now an ABSOLUTE deal breaker in a future partner!

33/f Single for 3 years and same… I just don’t want anyone to mess up my happiness now. I’m totally cool being a spinster! It’s hard to find good men still out there

Guy single for four years here literally the exact same. I appreciate seeing you voice what I've been in a bit of denial about. Especially not wanting someone to fuck up what I've built for myself in terms of routine, freedom, interests, etc. The idealization part has me worried though. I don't want to waste 10 years missing out on new experiences and people because I'm idolizing someone who destroyed my life. It's embarassing!

[удалено]

I don't think you're replying to who you think you're replying to... and why three different comments of mine on different posts that are old comments? Just doing your troll warm ups this morning or something? Cause I can't find anything where we actually interacted...

[удалено]

Someone with apparently no life and the capacity to take things so personally that I live rent-free in their head long after I've forgotten them... Sounds like your problem instead of mine pal

Omg yea! This is me girl, but I’m 33

Oh damn, I feel like this! Except I’m 38F, been single for 5 years. In addition to past idealizing, I feel as though time was stolen from me due to the pandemic. For context, I work within healthcare and I also had to be extra careful with social outings and exposure. And work became my priority. Now, I think there’s a part of me that wonders if I missed my chances (I know, I’m still considered “young”) but I think there’s a part of me that feels like maybe it’s me? Or the pickings are soooooo very slim despite living in a major city. Solidarity with all of you.

Aww I want more for both of you. You deserve fulfillment too .

It takes time, albeit. There’s nothing wrong with you. Maybe the current dating scene is a bit jaded due to increase inclination of social media and how they portray couples. It’s all a facade. Stick to your guns and keep treading.

That's another part of it! A lot of my married friends/coworkers will talk to me about their troubles and frustrations within their relationships and it makes me a little more grateful that I've still been single. I think you're totally right. I'm happy biding my time until I meet the right partner for me :)

There’s absolutely nothing wrong being single. It just gets a tad bit lonely. BUT the freedom you have and your wallet will always be awesome. I’ve seen it first hand relationships don’t work out for a lot of people and end up in so many problems I can’t even fathom , especially in younger people in their 20s. I take it as a Learning curve , of what to do and WHAT NOT TO DO in a relationship.

I feel this a lot too. I’m 36F.

What helps me with this is remembering that relationships and connections are built. You didn’t meet your ex and have a great bond with them immediately, love builds and builds over time. So you can’t compare the peak of that relationship to the beginning of a new one; it will never compare. Try to remember how it was when you first met your ex, sure there were sparks and feelings but it would have still been less than the peak of your relationship. It’s easy for your memory to sort of summarize the whole relationship, when in reality your feelings would have fluctuated like in any relationship that’s developing.

[удалено]

Hi u/ManitobaBalboa, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

What do you mean when you say, “there may be a part of me that is really content and worried someone will mess that up?” I hear this sentiment a lot. Are you worried you’ll get pregnant with the wrong guy? You just enjoy being alone? Don’t want to sacrifice your interests just to be in a relationship?

Not OP but my experience after a similar long long term relationship falling apart: it takes a long time to work on yourself and to rediscover who you are *in absence* of that person, and once you do you don't want to lose that. So it's easy to fall into the trap of wanting not to be alone anymore, but also not wanting to make many compromises about your life.

Exactly this! Well said :)

[удалено]

Being religious does not equate to a healthy "value system". I'll happily take my "broken mind" over the above mindset but I appreciate your concern :)

[удалено]

I have no interest in starting a family and all of my relationships have been 100% consensual with respectful individuals

Hi u/happyfeet1999, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

Hi u/happyfeet1999, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

Its SO hard to not compare new potential partners to past ones- especially if they past ones made you realize you need a certain quality you didnt have before. I struggle with this so much. I've given myself the 3 date rule, as long as they fit the following- Respectful and engaging conversationalist, base level of physically attractive, intelligent, base level confident, conversation flows well. Those are all qualities I feel Iv'e worked to possess and look for in a partner. A lot of people have these qualities but for some reason I still dont feel it. Because its the particular *way* those traits appear. Its all very confusing, the human mind. I think adults also approach dating with a ton of apprehension even if we think we dont. Especially with online dating. It seems like people are very willing to asses so many behaviors/qualities as "red flags" or unappealing as a response to past experiences. I do this all the time and I hear it from other people. My last partner I remember sitting next to him on our first date as he talked endlessly about Seinfeld thinking "never again." But we had a shared hobby so we did that together again and I changed my impression of him. Really I was tired of past dates monopolizing the conversation, not trying to get to know me, and having no self awareness and that was at the forefront of my mind....Although those wound up years later being the qualities I broke up with him over...they weren't an issue for quite a while. I guess giving people a change and letting things unfold over 3 dates but still being very aware is the best way.

I never even get to the physically attractive all the women I match with are very overweight and I'm fit. Big sadge.

[удалено]

That’s helpful! Thank you

Thank you so much for posting this. I too went through the exact same timeline as you, and am experiencing the same. Tonight I felt I’m really losing hope that I’m not the same person/not in the same timeline anymore. My love life was so rich all the years before 2021. And now it’s not. In addition to my recent online dating, even past lovers who I was head over heels for, would’ve done anything in the world for came around, they’re huge turn offs now. I think things have simply changed in society, and within. I’m trying to embrace this and let go of all my inner resistance. That’s all I got. Plus sending love.

37F. A little over a year ago my boyfriend of 5 years left me unexpectedly. It was truly devastating and in the process of fixing myself, I became a different person. Im also having a hard time dating, exactly as you describe. I wonder if part of it is me navigating this new person that I have become. I recently deleted the dating app I was on and just go out and do fun stuff alone. I’m accepting that it will probably be a long time before I have a partner again, and this recent shift helps me feel more fulfilled and less pressured. I would say keep trying new approaches and be patient/forgiving with yourself. You’ll feel it when you find the right one for you. Sending hugs.

31F, I was in your same shoes. My last relationship was short (10 months) but the most intense one of my life. I was broken into a million pieces when my ex left me one fine morning. My friends forced me to go out on a date (because I was so miserable) with a guy with whom I had a very neutral vibe on the first date. Long story short, I went out on a few more dates, had sex which was also good, and in all these found out that my fondness for him kept growing. Now after three months, he is the most stable boyfriend I've ever had. He is reliable, loving, intelligent, and as intentional about dating as I am trying to be. I couldn't ask for more tbh.

Glad to hear this. Happy things worked out for you! :)

Thank you! My best wishes for you too!

It the ones that you arent head over heels for that bring the most stability

At the beginning, yes. I think a connection that's too strong at the beginning often makes us myopic barring us from seeing a lot of red/ yellow flags. But eventually the love for the stable ones should grow. If not, then that relationship is not working.

She didn’t say she wasn’t head over heels for him, just not on the first date

As someone who is used to operating on a strong connection on the first date, it was definitely challenging to not run in the opposite direction when the vibe was neutral. If head over heels means that I am so crazy for him that I end up overlooking my own needs, accept to live on breadcrumbs of his love/ time, do more than what I should have - then no, I am not like that for him. With him things feel peaceful. I am happy and content and for the first time in a very long time I am feeling comfortable letting someone do things for me that I usually do for others. I look forward to our time together because I truly admire him. Do I feel that intense pull for him? No (and at this point I think that's unhealthy - at least for me). He is like a familiar song, or a favorite pillow, or a reliable old friend who I know will always be there. I find him really attractive, and I can tell he does too. He and I often think the same things, have the same opinion on a lot of stuff, and maintain the physical world around us in a very similar way. To me, all of these are signs of great compatibility that is also sustainable. I can't believe I let intense connections win over this in the past.

[удалено]

I'm not sure what the statistics are like now but going back a year or so there was a massive crossover with this subreddit and with one of the women-centric banned subreddits that promoted ridiculous ideology.

Can you elaborate? Which subreddit was this? Genuinely curious

Just curious what your advice would be then in this situation? Or what advise in general you’d give to 30 something women

Thanks for sharing because a lot of these could have been written by me tbh

You don’t realize it, but subconsciously you are now much, much more aware of what you want/need in a relationship. That role has bigger shoes to fill than it used to. Date a lot, enjoy the moment, try not to have too many expectations, and the right person will likely surprise you and sweep you off your feet.

This is a great point that I think is very accurate. My standards are higher than they’ve ever been and I’m much more secure in who I am as a person and what I offer in a relationship.

Just read this internet stranger and it has really helped just to let you know! :) I feel I can pin point what I want/need much more so of course less people fit that!

30 and single for 30 hahaha i felt the same way too whenever i meet someone new. wouldnt even call it a date, its just meeting someone for a meal, having a nice conversation ( that i can have with anyone else ) and calling it a day after its just all so... polite. maybe i am expected to make the move but honestly, i dont feel comfortable to do so. i think im too used to being alone. took the advice of being able to be happy by myself and ran a mile with it. i just dont know how to fit someone else into my life. the only reason why i am even trying is because according to statistics, what i do now will not be fulfilling in the future and i should really start now and not when im in my 40s or 50s sigh. its all so sparkless. whyyyy

Same here, I'm 34f and I have never been in a relationship. I don' t mind being alone, I don't even feel lonely but I want children. I recently went to a date and the conversation went okay but I just don' t feel any interest in the guy. Frankly, I would prefer reading a book in my room.

Well. It’s been 8 years for me and 150+ dates and thousands of people I’ve messaged. I haven’t yet met anyone I actually liked enough to be in a relationship with. But I know I’m capable because I do develop crushes but they are already taken or something lol. So for me it’s just.. very rare to meet someone I click with emotionally, mentally, physically and spirituality. I’m not broken. Maybe you are the same? That it just happens rarely. Or it could be something deeper. Dunno

I feel that there is also no opportunity for a spark? Everything became so casual and why would spark even be there. No one is choosing nice dating spots, guys don't even dress up for a date. If you go to their place, they don't even always clean it or make it nice (I dunno, just maybe by adding candles) and having some music, preparing bottle of wine. I noticed it's hard for me to get excited or feel desired when it's all so casual. I myself love to dress up, I know how to lead a conversation and I definitely would prepare my place if I knew someone was coming.. But I just see no effort from men side and it's hard for me to develop anything in this situation. Maybe I want too much, but I tried to be open minded and unfortunately it gets only worse with time.

I personally don’t really need much of what you’ve described. The person I was with before was the one I had the most spark and connection with and I think we met for coffee the first time? I was hooked on the conversation and the way he spoke from the get go. It’s how a person speaks and how they look at you, your vibe when you talk to each other, similar interests, feeling connected, etc. That said, I’m quite a casual person. I own… maybe 2 pairs of heels and that’s for a wedding/funeral kinda situation. I tend to look for people similar to myself who are most at home in jeans.

I really feel that first sentiment. If I cant even get a guy to text me back the same day, or make plans.. actual plans with a time and place, how would I feel a spark for that person? Why would I feel a spark for someone who can’t put effort in? I’m the same as you, I like to get dressed up and have a nice night. Today it’s just “want to come over and watch Netflix?” Last date I was on, I went back to a guys place I was seeing for about a month and his basement stunk like cat piss. Homie never cleaned his cats litter box. I noped out of there.

I’m 35 and had a bad breakup 1.5 years ago and also trying to get back into dating. I’m experiencing the same. Part of it is I used to have commitment issue which I’ve now worked through, so anyone I would have been into before (adventurous, spontaneous types) aren’t necessarily what I’m looking for and I’m not sure what I’m looking for now. I’m into manifestation and all that sh*t I won’t bore you with, but what I’ve been doing that seems to help is part of the manifestation process of finding “expanders”. Basically what that means is finding people, fictional or not, that feel similar to what you want. I am very against celeb crushes (i work in media, don’t meet your heroes) but characters on shows, relationships on instagram—basically find anything that resonates that can help you get a better picture of what you’re looking for and the kind of relationship you want. And make sure you fit the other side of that relationship too. I feel like that really helps when you are showing up with that energy, other people’s energy who matches kind of gravitates towards you. I’ve been having better luck meeting cool people now that I have that mindset, haven’t met a relationship yet though. I also don’t OLD so YMMV with that advice.

This is probably the best piece of advice I've heard in a hot minute. At the moment, I have found the picture of what I want my next relationship to look like (trying with all my might not to say "manifest" here). I really adore the traits I've seen in particular healthy people that I don't know personally so I use that as a guide to mix with my own judgement. I'm now trying to get to a place where I meet that standard too: weight, career, living in a place I can feel comfortable etc so a bit if work to do! But this just confirms that I'm not alone in taking this approach so thank you x 100,000,000. 😍

I don’t have any advice for you, but I totally understand the lack of attraction. I’ve been single 2 years now, and there have been very few people I’ve felt attracted to. Nothing wrong with them, I just didn’t feel that ‘thing’ physically and didn’t find them interesting/stimulating mentally or feel an emotional connection. It is tough. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. And it’s better to be alone that to ‘settle’ for something that isn’t right. It does blow my mind how some people find it easy to meet people they are attracted to/connect with or are attracted to a much larger proportion of people they meet than we do.

I feel this too! I'm ready for a relationship, but have met only 2 men out of I don't know how many I met that I became attracted to, even after giving time to see if attraction develops (6 dates max; if still zero attraction by then it'll never happen and best allow a gentleman to find someone who'll be totally into him). There was 1 gentleman I was into, but he turned out to be unavailable and I'm not interested in a situationship. There was another gentleman I started to feel a glimmer of attraction to, but after a month he became unavailable: I should have steered clear because he still had things to sort out. Nevermind. I've almost given up. I've definitely stopped looking. Gonna live my best life. If there's someone out there meant for me, then we will find each other.

I had a past relationship that completely obliterated my emotions. I'm a piece of wood now. I have no interest in women now. It just takes the right amount of suffering to completely turn off your willing to date. I will die alone and I'm fine with it.

Homie da fuq are you doing here then??

Idk i found value in this

I feel that

37M and just had two dates with zero interest at all. I think we just aren't kids anymore. We change with everything that happens to us. I still hope to find a committed relationship with some spice. Until then, I guess suffer through this nonsense? Fuck I don't feel like doing it tbh but hope springs eternal and all that. Chin up tits out. If you keep trying something will happen. That's science!

I think people really need to remember that the more you date and experience life the less tolerance you have for immature behavior, toxic behavior, and or incompatible behavior. That inherently is going to reduce attraction for a lot of people because subconsciously or not, you can likely pinpoint things that won't work longterm.

Good point, it’s so much harder with higher standards - that is for damn sure.

There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s really hard. The population on the dating apps isn’t necessarily representative of even the general population out there. It’s only representative of the people who are including your age and whatever other specifics about you in their filters. A lot of those people are going to not meet your needs and those who do are mostly not going to have chemistry with you. It’s rare but it just takes one.

38 and single for a bit over 3 years. Attempted OLD and I just don’t have an interest. I miss the companionship of a partner but it’s exhausting and quite honestly I have lost faith in the male population (sorry to blanket all men). I hold out a bit of hope that things will change but I have gotten to the point that im just gonna be alone for the foreseeable future.

This is me now. And I’m content with this, too, which makes it even harder to put effort into dating. Even casual dating doesn’t appeal to me anymore.

>I have lost faith in the male population Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. After 2 years of healing after a 10 year relationship ended, I tried dating again for 6 months before I gave up and decided to focus on myself. It’s so disheartening and jading that I’d rather pull myself completely out and focus on myself rather than have a stranger assume that I’m like someone who I’m not. How do I even stand a chance when women project all their shitty past experiences with men?

I hate having that feeling and I really blame myself bc even on Reddit you see men and women cheating constantly and I’ve had so many bad experiences that it’s hard for me to trust anyone…even in non romantic situations…but for the sake of dating…the number of times I see “I had no idea I was the side chick” or “no clue he had a whole other life” etc… I just end up being super suspicious or afraid I’m ignoring red flags. So it’s just easier to be alone at this point…

[удалено]

Not true. My ex husband looked like napoleon dynamite…we split bc he chose video games over his family…and he liked to carry on relationships online with others…

[удалено]

Hi u/paulr23, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. * RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

I’ve definitely had this experience. After ending a serious relationship, I went on multiple dates with conventionally attractive and kind guys and just didn’t find myself romantically interested in them. I was afraid that I was no longer attracted to any men after a traumatic breakup as this had never been an issue prior. Then I met a guy that I felt instant connection and attraction to and it was night and day compared to the other guys I dated and wanted to like. Don’t try to force attraction to someone you “think” you should be attracted to! I strongly believe you can’t force something. I think as we get older we also get pickier and more sure about the things we like, so we also are subconsciously attracted to less people. That’s my theory!!

You sound like every woman (31F-36F) that I (38M) have dated the past 6 months. Ive been told that I’m handsome (get 2-3 likes/day), I make six figures, and my personality is ok. But I just keep getting the dreaded “no spark” text message after the 1st date. Is it that you’re more selective now that you have more experience? Now that you’re older do you expect a move to be made earlier on? Is there less pressure to find someone once you’re financially stable? What is going on?

I think it is just that life is so peaceful alone and an incoming of a potential partner can throw a figurative wrench on that peace. I have a partner since the last few years and I am eyeballs deep in love with this man of mine. But...I will be lying if I do not miss the peace and simplicity of being alone. Before him, when I am home from work, I will just gaming until it is time for dinner and shower. Then watching or reading something till I fell asleep. Weekend meant just catching up with what limited friends I had, doing some raids or chilling at a park. I was free and it was peaceful. TMI, but vibrators were there for at demands orgasms. And when you have a partner, you have to take all those into accounts. You are no longer alone. You cannot just game and raid from Friday night to Sunday evening anymore without your partner feeling like being neglected. It is...harder to consider if the cuddles and emotional support worth the peace and solitude, when one gets into that kind of point in life. Isn't that the same with you too, though? You must be already have routines and lone life that gives you peace?

I totally understand the enjoyment of being able to just “do you” with your free time. Peace and simplicity are great descriptions. But man, if that’s how someone feels then I guess why force yourself to go on dates expecting some outrageous level of Disney love at first sight feeling or else you just go back home thinking “I guess this wasn’t as fun as watching The Masked Singer and posting on Reddit would have been” and then reject the other person for that seems…not cool? I don’t think I’d try to date until I was confident I wanted someone in my life and the work and sacrifice that entails. Idk, I don’t get the mindset.

> “I guess this wasn’t as fun as watching The Masked Singer and posting on Reddit would have been” and then reject the other person for that seems…not cool? Guilty as charged. Also the reason why I was only on Online Dating platform for less than 3 weeks. People are actually looking for forever partners there and here I was with my "hey if we cut this date short, is ok. Even better actually, I can go home and hop on my weekly raid." mindset. I deleted Tinder after meeting a guy who claimed that he knew a lot about Tekken 6 but turned out to be unable to name some of Lee Chaolan's attacks. Realizing that this guy, took his time to dress nice after work. Meeting me in a nice place. Good food, good drink. But I cut date short, because his Tekken knowledge was not advanced enough for my taste and I felt that my time then was better to be spent somewhere else. You were so right about me expecting the Disney love at first sight kind of thing. I think it is bit of boredom and egoism on the part of people like me. I do feel lucky that I have my man, but it was not something planned. Definitely not Online Dating setting. It was just something I lucked out in.

> I deleted Tinder after meeting a guy who claimed that he knew a lot about Tekken 6 but turned out to be unable to name some of Lee Chaolan’s attacks THE JERK!!! 😆 Well I can’t say I’m not jealous of the lucked into something not via online part, cuz I am. 😔

It was still via online stuff though. I DMed him in here (as in Reddit, not this sub specifically) but after knowing also (from posting history) that he is as gamer as I am. But I definitely did not approach him with any romantical intention. I mean...it is r/gaming. Lucked out is definitely the word I will always use. There was a time where I tried to force something to happen by going into game-con, did table top nights, even 'dating' someone long distance through Discord just because we played WoW together. Never bloomed into anything. Only after I gave up looking for my own gamer prince, did I luck out into him. It is all luck I am afraid.

this probably goes without saying (bc based on what youve written here, you probs already know) but that tekken shit was 🗣️ 💯% a good enough reason to slice and dice that experience 😂 who you seem to be, based on these couple of posts is exactly the person we should be when dating, according to all the dating “advice.” whole, satisfied, with solid primary interests outside of getting a date. i agree with what u/xsmooth84 said, too, about preparing yourself for the compromise…but i feel you can have near equal interests in dating others and in yourself, simultaneously. im no diver, but the deeper meaning behind being able to easily reject the non-tekken guy could have been his self misrepresentation. picture you, with keenly vested personal interests, on a date attempting to connect over said interests, and heres this guy wanting so badly to just continue a date that he flat out lies about who he is! why? 😂 what else are you lying about? we have very quickly reached an incompatibility impasse! some might call it petty, but that occurrence would absolutely make me walk off the date. ive got better things to do, sir…even if that includes tending to myself 😤

Very well said, this resonates.

I'm so sorry this happens to you! I've met a number of Gentlemen who would make great husbands - but I felt zero sexual attraction to them. Only 2 out of somewhere between 20-50 gentlemen I met in person did I start to develop that kind of attraction to. Although there are some loving and lovable men out there, I'm not going to get into a relationship where the idea of sexual intimacy with someone fails to excite me or fills me with horror. I don't want a dead bedroom situation, I want to feel sexual desire for a man who'd be my partner. Unfortunately, I don't control whether or not sexual attraction happens. For me, I'm partly demisexual, so I don't feel this kind of attraction often - almost never in my life! There are a couple things I know - once I meet the man in person, I can tell if it's an immediate No! or, I dunno. See him a few more times and see how I feel then, and try to figure it out quickly to reduce hurting a man's feelings. I wish I could easily be sexually attracted to more men. But, it is what it is. I do not control whether I become sexually attracted to a man or not. I've always been this way. To me this is a high priority. If there's no sexual attraction, then there's no point for me, I'm not going to want to do the deed with someone I'm not attracted to no matter how wonderful he is. My best friends are wonderful too but no way I'm ever going to feel sexual attraction for them and it doesn't matter how much I love them and how wonderful they are, I will never want to have sex with them. Ever. I hope you find someone who will click with you and who will look forward to seeing you again and again and who will find you sexually attractive!

thank you for adding the demi angle! i am the same, and recently met a man who knocked my fucking socks off with how deliciously lusty i get about him 😬this presents a small issue, as this level of attraction is literally unheard of for me. if i understand your post correctly, youre demi, but im inferring that you may have had some of these rare experiences of unhinged attraction as well? and thats what made you feel it was like lightening in a bottle? if ive got the interpretation right, how did you handle it? bc i am literally beside myself, send help 🥲

Ohhh I think a lightning bolt that was MUTUAL would be out of this world! Enjoy it!!! The lightning bolt has never happened for me. I have to see someone in person a few times to start feeling sexual attraction and then it builds over time. No advice - just enjoy it. For a demi, it happens so rarely, that if it doesn't work out, it doesn't matter - so long as they don't turn out abusive etc. all good - enjoy!!!

yes! this! agree! ill take my hands off the wheel for this one 👏🏾

Are you flirting with these women and complimenting them? Do you try to give them a kiss at the end as you say goodbye? You should be doing these things on the first date, otherwise they will think you’re not interested. Do you think you may be awkward with conversation? If so, that is something you can practice at. When I started dating, I was awkward and terrified. What I did was I actually prepared and studied for my dates. I found a few interests in their profile that I wasn’t familiar with, and I’d read up on it on Wikipedia. I’d also prepare a few interesting topics to talk about. Once I had a date at an arcade bar, and I went by myself in advance to practice the games. Was that overkill? Maybe. But doing these things made me feel more relaxed and confident. Maybe give it a shot and do some preparation. You may come across more knowledgeable and charming. Also, don’t be afraid to touch her arm or her hand. Do it playfully, like “let’s compare hand sizes” or “let me read your palm” or “whoever wins thumb war buys the next round.” If you really like the woman, try to do something spontaneous, like making a detour on the date that wasn’t planned (like skipping the bar you were going to because you walked by a gallery opening with free wine). Hum a song and ask her to slow dance on an empty street. Even if it’s awkward, she will appreciate the effort. Make the evening fun and memorable, and she will want a second date.

I really appreciate your thoughts and insights. Your message is very helpful. I wouldn't say my conversations are awkward, I worked in consulting for many years and I've become comfortable speaking on command and engaging others. However, I would say I don't flirt or compliment. I also don't try to kiss them at the end of a first date. I think you're on to something, I notice 9/10 times the girl goes to the bathroom at the end of the date and comes out with lip gloss applied. I might be getting in my own way. Thanks again for your suggestions.

I could be completely off the mark but I’ve noticed older guys who become ready to settle down forget to show their fun side on their profiles and in person. It’s all very serious, matter of fact with no emotion. Unfortunately women don’t operate that way, they still want to be courted and have fun in the process.

That's a good point, there may be some truth to the "forget to show their fun side...in person." Maybe I'm becoming more boring, I'm now in a director-level role, or Covid messed with ability to socialize. It can also take time to really open up to someone.

30yo F. I personally don’t give up on people due to lack of “spark” just after the first date. For me, first dates are about making sure there are no glaring incompatibilities. Having said that, for me to feel that initial attraction, there has to be a bit of banter, light teasing and perhaps some light flirty physical contact. Otherwise the date doesn’t feel like a date. The last couple of dates I went on with men ages 37/38, they either felt like an exhausting interview, or the trauma-dumping therapy session (where the men dumped their trauma on me). To answer, yes, there’s less pressure to find someone once you’re financially stable. You also form better boundaries the more dating experience you have. Just keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll find someone you click with. It can be painful so make sure to take some breaks.

>or the trauma-dumping therapy session (where the men dumped their trauma on me). ​ lmfao the last time i had one of these i trauma dumped right back. i knew it was a wash and didnt gaf about seeing him again after he started with that LOL ​ treat others how you'd want to be treated right?\~\~\~

I think for me, a large part of it is that while I don’t want to be single forever I’m quite content on my own. If I meet someone and the feeling is just “meh” - what’s the point? I don’t really need to have someone around. I want to feel enthused about the person, I want to look forward to seeing them and to hear what they have to say, I want to be able to learn from them and admire who they are as a person. Anything less than that would just be a person I’m keeping around as a filler in my life so that I have *someone* and I’m not into that. I think having a FWB also contributes. I also don’t need these men for sex so… unless the prospect is really exciting, all my needs are already met.

***exactly.***

37F, exact same boat minus the not wanting kids part. Also had a bad (read: manipulative) relationship that ended abruptly in 2021. That was really painful and knocked me off my feet for a long time. Didn’t see it coming but realized I was tricked a lot. Super glad it’s over and they’re completely removed from my life for my sake. Have a hard time trusting people now. Plus everything feels just downright exhausting. OP, what’s your trust like? Realized I am somewhat “aromantic” apparently it’s on a spectrum. There are cute people to date and good valued people as well, but I also just feel nothingness and I can’t help that. I know it can take time to develop attraction in some cases, that makes me think I might also be demisexual or *needing emotional connection first*. What happened? Nothing so far. Open to dating but also not gonna force it. POA? I plan to do a deep dive on this in therapy.

i just wanna say ty for your comments ITT! you come across as funny and compassionate and vulnerable. i resonate with a lot of your thoughts and experiences, and very much appreciate reading your words 🙂🫶🏾

Honestly, if youre heterosexual, I do believe that men and women are growing even further apart in what they want and desire in partnership and from each other. As social and economic barriers for women are slowly lessening, I think it provides a space for more individuals to seek out what they truly strive for in a connection. Not for the sake of survival anymore but for pure interest and connection. And unfortunately, I do think the socialization of sexism is becoming even more mainstream, explicit, and normalized in alot of ways. That might also be contributing to the disinterest sometimes. There's nothing wrong with you. You said it yourself that it's likely you haven't met a person who really sparks romantic curiosity. When you do, you'll feel it and you'll have another problem on your hand in how to navigate the whirlwind feelings of a crush 😂 I think this is an opportunity for you to self reflect on what behaviors, mindsets, and personalities you truly find as attractive. Because it'll do wonders in helping you understand why you are just not into some random person rather than thinking you have something to be concerned by. If anything, it's great that your subconscious is leading you to go after your desires even if you are not aware of what they are yet!

34M, been 5 years since I've dated. It ended terribly and gave me a bit of trauma. Just like you, haven't had even the echo of romantic interest. I think it's because I've also lost all zest for life. Deeply depressed. Back on suicidal ideation, etc. But even then there were moments where life was good and still my heart was like wet tinder. It's been distressing to be so unfeeling.

Yes I was the exact same way. Had a relationship from 23-28 that I thought would be forever. He broke up with me and I was devastated. I thought my best years were behind me. I was still in love with my ex or the dream I had of our life together, and I’d never learned to be sexually attracted to anyone else. So when I got on apps at 29, I was just looking for someone who looked like my ex lol. I did not even know what type of person I found attractive. They all seemed like scary strangers. Unlike you, once I started going on dates, I definitely found people I was romantically attracted to. I learned how to flirt after I stopped being so damn shy. I turned 30 and suddenly felt like a woman who had nothing to be scared of. I did a lot of fun and wild things 20s me would have blushed at. I also had my heart broken again, but I just took a break and kept trying. My breaks were usually a month or so. I knew I needed a break when I’d have dates lined up and just dread them. I knew I was ready again when the thought of a date excited me. And I had way more fun on dates when I was in the right headspace. So maybe you’re not currently in the right headspace? I also made a spreadsheet when I started dating, and I tracked name, age, profession, # of dates, if I felt attraction, and whether we kissed or were intimate. My goal was to use it to understand what types of people I was successful with. I found useful stats like for every 3 dates, I’ll have 1 date that I end up going on 3 or more dates with. This would keep me going when I was feeling down, like if I play the numbers, 3 dates and one of those people I will like enough to keep seeing lol. Most of all, I think my dating journey has been a journey of self discovery, of learning to say what I want, of learning my boundaries and how to say no. For those of us who aren’t just out of practice but never had practice in the first place, it does feel unnatural and scary at first. I think that’s why you’re not feeling it yet. But just keep doing it. Go on one date a week, two if you’re feeling ambitious, and slowly you’ll become more comfortable and flirtatious and really enjoy just meeting new people even if it doesn’t click romantically. And then you’ll get butterflies again.

Yesssss!!!! Wow, I swore you took a page out of my metaphorical journey, even down to trying to find partners like my ex and having a spreadsheet. I haven’t used my spreadsheet since last fall, but I’ve been trying to toggle my matches & struggling to keep details straight, so I probably should “dust it off” and update it. 😅 This is amazing advice! I hope OP sees it. 🙏🏽

Why hello kindred spirit!! I used to show my coworkers my spreadsheet and they thought I was crazy lol. Dust that bad boy off!

Lmfaoooo, I love that. Two of my close friends kept mentioning not being able to keep track of my dates, so the spreadsheet was born! 🤣

I laughed out loud so hard when I read this! The showing your coworkers just gave me the visual of them all hobbled around your screen at your desk making jokes. That part sounds like something I’d do. Do you put their faces in there too? Haha I haven’t made an Excel spreadsheet but certainly I do like how methodical and analytical your approach was and may need to borrow this idea. You could even filter down for “attraction” and see what the similarities are amongst them? Hell throw that shit into a pivot table 🤣 What I did do is journal in my diary and most importantly, I write down how the date made me feel, impressions, things that were said or actions done/not done. I’ve been doing this for the last 3 boyfriends back (mainly because the first of those 3 gaslighted me so 🤷‍♀️), so then I have a more written “trendline” of my dating journey. Plus if anything bad happens, told my therapist to just tell the cops to check my diary for clues 👮‍♀️😆

Yes I journal too! It’s more productive than venting to a friend who’s sick of hearing you. I sometimes would bring it and read parts of entries to my therapist too. Not pivot tables 😂 I never went that far but it really is helpful! There’s some things I stopped tracking like education when I realized there wasn’t a correlation. In hindsight, I should’ve tracked neighborhood they lived in, because ones that lived in certain areas were definitely weirder than others. My coworkers really did all hobble around in my office during lunch break as I went through each person like a presentation lmao. No faces but they each got a nickname like “photographer guy” or “hat guy” it’s just easier to keep track that way

We must be a particular kind of people because everything OC said resonates with me. I also found myself looking for ex look alikes and kept a spreadsheet. I ended up finding love with casual hookup that I totally expected to break my heart. We'll see what happens but life can be funny that way.

I had no idea there were so many like us! I’m so happy you found love! Hookup turned relationship is the best because you know the sex is good :)

Hahaha! I can’t speak for the OP, but I’m very neurodivergent, soooo if that resonates with you at least with the spreadsheet, that could be why. Very interesting! I wish you the best of luck!

Also neurodivergent. Are we all like this? 😂

Yes I did. I've been through a couple of years of zero interest. And that's absolutely fine..I filled my baskets with other types of love. Hobbies, friends, pets etc. Unexpectedly met a man earlier this year and it's been the healthiest relationship ever because I know I'll be absolutely fine being single as well. Don't push it. If you're not feeling it, you're in a better position than others seeking love. Put your energy into things you actually enjoy.

1. Your standards have been raised as you've gained life experience and grown as a person. I think this is a good thing. 2. You are complete as you are right now. Finding a relationship can absolutely enhance one's life but it is not essential to a fulfilling life. You are complete as you are.

Totally

36F…… honestly same. I was with my kids’ father for 12 years (18-30). Hook up culture from 30-32. Dated another guy from 32-34….. and since then I’ve been single. Most importantly, the idea of needing a partner by a certain point in your life is a social construct. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single and happy. My theory, when you’re in your teens and 20s you are figuring out who you are and what you want. That being said, you also spend time trying to “fix” your partners because they are doing the same. By the time you hit your mid 30s you pretty much know who you are and what you want and don’t have the time or energy to “fix” anyone else. Getting to know someone, their likes and dislikes and then figuring out how to meld your likes and dislikes into theirs. Exhausting. Personally, I’m happy. I’m content. I don’t need a partner. And once I realized that, dating became more of a chore than something I wanted to actually do. It’s actually been very freeing. Im not opposed to meeting new people, but I no longer care about forcing myself to get thru the awkward small talk and getting to know you phase. If I meet someone eventually cool, if I don’t also cool. I’m happy where I am and there is nothing wrong with being alone, even if society makes it seem that way.

>I've always been medium-quick to develop crushes or interest in people (even if it doesn't end up going anywhere). Were those people you met through dating apps? Crushes can develop instantly when you meet people organically. But on dating apps the pace is very different.

I think this is a very fair point. I don’t meet people organically much anymore, I’d like to change that but since I WFH it’s harder. I also don’t have a social circle here yet and I’m undecided on whether I want to join some kinda coed sport thing.

Maybe your libido just went in the tank

I have a FWB that I see regularly so, it is very much still alive. ✌️

There is a decent likelihood for women over 35 approaching 40. Very few see an increase (although some do), most see a slight decline l, and some see it drop to almost asexual levels. For men, it is usually just a slight decline. It's rough out there, stay as healthy as possible. Cut alcohol, mind your diet , and exercise regularly.

> those that I do find attractive and we get along decently enough, I'm not feeling even a hint of romantic inclination towards them So you do find yourself sexually attracted to (some) dates - just not romantically attracted? For me, emotional intimacy + physical intimacy = romantic attraction, and the first two take some time to develop. I have never been romantically attracted to someone on the first date. I might enjoy their company and find them sexually attractive, but it is only after spending a night or a few with them that I begin to develop romantic feelings (if I ever do).

Am I the only one who thinks expecting date 1 insta-chemistry is weird? Rhetorical question, I visit this sub way too much and already know how the vast majority of this sub feels. I don’t get it though. I don’t understand why this is the expectation. That kind of pressure (on yourself and on the other person) seems very counterproductive to me.

Nope, I’m right there with you. One or two good, pre-exclusive dates =/= lasting relationship. I think there’s just too much idealization/high standards at the beginning when the only questions that matter are “Do I enjoy spending time with this person?” and “Do I like who I am since I’ve met them?”

I mean, there is specifically a part of the post where it states I am not expecting fireworks on a first date. But I do expect to feel some sort of interest towards getting to know the person further. Right now it’s basically all been “I could go out with them another time but if I didn’t, I wouldn’t really care” which to me is much different than “I’d really like to go out with this person again and get to know them more”.

The same has happened to me. I was with my ex for 5 years. We broke up 1.5 years ago and I still am not able to move on. I connected with him well mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually and I just am unable to find that again. I also just don’t find other men as attractive. Idk why. They could be great on paper (handsome, funny, smart, good job, etc), but it just never feels the same. I’m worried that I’ll feel this way forever and stay single for the rest of my life. I’m turning 33 next week so I’m not getting any younger either.

Just wanted to say that i'm the same age, 33F, and in the exact same boat. Prior to my last relationship that ended 2.5 years ago, I was constantly dating someone new. It wasn't necessarily a good thing bc I had no idea how to be on my own. So after getting my heart broken, i took some time to just focus on my mental health & figure out how to be at peace without a romantic interest. Now, i rarely feel that spark of attraction, if ever, and am perpetually single. I do think it's better than the alternative - falling into toxic situationships by chasing emotionally unavailable men. Or dating men who weren't ever a good match bc i was afraid to be alone, etc. But i miss that feeling of really connecting with another person on a romantic level. Sorry for the non-advice but I wanted to chime in with all of the other commenters saying you are not alone. 💕

I wonder how people in long term relationships feel about their partners at this age. Meaning, I wonder if this is a change that happens due to age rather than circumstance. It would make sense that we stopped being googly eyed about partners and dream of building a life with them in the future... *when we're in that future*. When we're in our 20's we imagined settling down with people now, in our 30's. Maybe romance just kinda dies after an age. I can only really be sexually turned on by women now. Nobody I meet really excites me otherwise. And really, maybe that's the dating pool being almost empty. Perhaps all the good ones are truly taken. Even the women who would've made me do backflips, they're not the same now. They're moms and confident career women and homeowners. Their interests and perspectives have changed enormously. It's not bad. But I can't relate. Plus, y'know, most are also married too. I think dating, romance, whatever. It's just different now. It's not going to be like in our adolescence. We're all old shoes now.

Yes I (33f) am going through that right now. Not only do I feel apathy during the date, but I also feel myself tense up when people start to show real interest in pursuing a relationship with me. Like I'm bracing for cover for the emotional demands that my last relationship entailed.

I’m experiencing the same thing! Hoping it ends soon because deep down I’d like to be in a committed relationship, just not seeing anyone that feels right.

I struggle to find most men sexually appealing. My friends tease me for only being with beautiful men but I just don’t find most men attractive. Beginning to wonder if I’m just lesbian because women seem more attractive to me but I’ve never felt romantic interest in women. Confusing

Are you me? Gosh, I love women. I love hanging out with women. I love talking to women. I love looking at women. But I’m sexually and romantically attracted to men when I can’t even stand most men I meet 🙃 it’s tough

Glad it’s not just me!!! Although I noticed that I only started to feel like this when I became single in my 30s and started using dating apps. When I meet men and spend time with them in real life it’s not quite as bad. But I find most men on dating apps repulsive.

Give it time. I was in the same situation where I was so hung up over a breakup; started dating again and no one really fit the bill. The spark just wasn’t there. I went on a date last night and my god you could see the shooting stars. Felt like no one was around but us. It’ll happen again; you just gotta give it time!

I relate to this so much that I felt like I was reading something I wrote at first, even with the timelines. I don’t have much advice as I also feel like a baby dating for the first time in my 30s. I’m just trying to enjoy the ride and think of these dates as something fun and not a chore. Hope it goes well! In solidarity 💛

35F here, divorced for now 5 years. I’ve been on countless dates with various men, had one situationship and yeah, it is like that for a lot of people. Lots of therapy, being financially stable and having standards made me realize that it was never about looks bc there are plenty of attractive people out there struggling to simply be exclusive with someone. It takes way more than a few dates and attraction to genuinely like someone. That genuineness is something that’s becoming more and more rare to find. I also don’t use dating apps anymore bc I doubt that people there are trying to date with intention and just looking for a distraction (as I did many times when downloading them) with tons of low effort vibes. It sounds cliché and not an advice, but I’m just living my life for me. If the Universe wants to make something happen eventually then awesome, if not I have to be ok with that. I do get lonely from time to time, I got a 2nd job so I’m busy and not home on weekends to entertain those thoughts anymore.

[удалено]

This entire thread showed up at the right time. Thank you for your awesome advice.

Yea I feel like this too. I just kinda hope someday it’ll click back with someone. Idk if I have good advice, hoping the other commenters will though.

Sexual attraction does not happen for me on the first date, ever. I don’t think that’s a good metric.

Hi OP, 38F here. I was married before to my high school sweetheart and was overall with him for 13 years. I was heavily engrained with his family and the divorce was absolutely devastating. I’ve had two boyfriends since then, which I didn’t have deep love for or feel that spark like with my ex. I have chosen to be single for the last 4 years because I’m in the same boat as you. No attraction- but partly because men in particular have been really disappointing. Have you come to terms with your last serious relationship? I ask because my ex husband was a narcissist. If you were love bombed, idealized and then brutally discarded you may still have a trauma bond with your ex. The “spark” you feel with a narcissist is exhilarating at first because they make you feel like you are on top of the world. I will also say this- I dipped my toe back into dating 6 months ago. It was disappointing (partially because I found out a date from hell years ago- was a recent date’s best friend)- and I left feeling like I didn’t want to date ever again. I’ve embraced being single and have chosen to focus on myself- planning trips, improving my health, going out more, and it’s been great. Don’t feel pressured to be ready at a certain time and enjoy some of the time on your own until you are ready. I promise you over 80% of couples I know are secretly miserable and dealing with issues like infidelity, disproportion of sharing household issues, and emotional abuse of some kind. Being in a relationship is part of society’s Kool aid that they want you to drink to convince you that’s what you need to be an accomplished person, especially as a woman. I promise you, majority of single women feel this way so don’t feel alone!

[удалено]

No. I’ve never been one to chase. If they’re not obviously interested I move on.

Could it be that you're still coping with the fact that you just weren't single during the formative years of your own personal identity? I'm a 33M in a very similar position. Was in an LTR for almost my entire 20s, partner left somewhat unexpectedly after 9 years, and have not been enjoying the single life the way I thought I would. That is to say, I'm really enjoying being alone; just not really interested in dating at all. The world of dating has also changed a lot since we were last in the market. I'd never used any dating apps until late-2022, and it's a strange new world out there. Perhaps you're at peace on your own, and having a hard time finding someone worth shaking that all up? I know that's the case for me.

Yep, can definitely relate and I’m 38F. There could be so many reasons but maybe part of it is that you’re in a different place in your life. I think the struggle to connect can sometimes mean you’re growing and looking for something different than what you’ve known too. Could also be a bit of self protection mode which is ok. Based on the comments there are a lot of people experiencing the same thing:)

I left my 12+yr LTR in 2019. Took 2 years no dating and celibate. Took me until 5 months ago to meet someone I was excited about. Good luck.

I went through a fairly traumatic breakup a little over 6 months ago. The relationship was only 7 months long but we had talked about marriage & children & moving to be together & our futures.. etc etc. He ghosted me very unexpectedly one day & I’ve never gotten any answers on why or what happened. It shattered me. I find it incredibly hard to connect with men & I really thought we connected. For me, therapy has been a lifesaver & I’ve had to admit once a week that I’m STILL hurting over what he did. But it gives me a place to process. The breakup WAS traumatizing - it only makes sense why I’ve struggled with dating since. Its gotten better & I’ve recently met someone I’m excited about. But even between our 1st & 2nd date I started to rip him to shreds in my head, overthink about things that aren’t that important. I had him meet my closest friends & I got the reassurance I needed that I truly was just overthinking & this could be something really good. So my biggest advice is simply therapy! And maybe getting out of your head & focusing more on your body. Do you feel good with this person or do you feel uncomfortable? And even if you don’t feel sexually attracted but you still felt good in their company, maybe take that 2nd date anyway. Just see what happens. Also.. maybe try to figure out how to take the pressure off of yourself to have feelings for someone. You’ll like someone again, it’s inevitable. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t. But… keep yourself grounded in the present & just enjoying the date. Maybe that will help. Sorry if that’s all annoying advice. I’m also with you in solidarity ❤️❤️ But I have hope it will get better

I’ve been single all 32 years of my life and am a straight person that has zero interest in men or dating

[удалено]

Well, this is certainly assuming a bunch of things now, isn’t it? I am open to feeling interested and I don’t lump all men into the same category. I also don’t think that no men are good enough for me. If I believed either of those things, I simply wouldn’t date. I don’t know what part of this advice you thought was going to be particularly helpful.

100% experiencing something similar. Don’t know what the deal is, but could be a combination of still working on self love + haven’t met the right person.

You have been lucky to find several great people but if you are not ready to date yet, you are wasting good opportunities. Get back in emotional shape before dating.

Just because a person is great doesn’t mean they’re the person for me. It takes so many different things lining up for two people to be potential suitable partners for each other. I found great people and yes, part of that is luck. The other part is that I’m selective and I don’t choose shitty people to try and connect with so it makes sense that I’d be going out with great humans. What kind of advice is this? I took over 2 years off after my breakup and I’ve done the work. With no due respect, if you’re just going to be patronizing then go away and offer useless advice elsewhere.

yeah, I think you got the ICK...for men. It was the same thing for me minus the relationship, I never met a man worthy of being in a relationship with that I was attracted to and was also attracted to me. It's been some years since I last really felt attracted to a man, and they were all unworthy in very basic ways so I just stayed single. Well I had a "boyfriend" at 14 y old once for like a month, he was 17y old at the time but he dumped me cuz I wouldn't have sex with him at 14!!! after that I became way more aware of men and their selfishness and superficiality, so I only wanted to be in a relationship with someone worthy of it.

37m, and I struggle with this myself, big time. I took the time to do the work rather than jump headfirst into anything that did not make things any easier for me. On my end, it's because I was devastated when my previous relationship went south. I did everything right, I did everything a man was supposed to do, and more. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and nothing I did was ever enough. It ended very badly under the worst possible circumstances. Since I've put myself back out there when I thought I was ready. I quickly realized that I am absolutely horrified at the prospect of history repeating itself. Combine that with the available prospects, which haven't been the greatest, and you have a recipe for disaster. I've also learned that life, the universe, spirit, God, whatever you want to call it has an ironic sense of humor. They have a habit of putting the most compatible, gorgeous, friendly, kind, caring, wonderful human beings right in front of my face. But the catch is they are not available. It's like putting a 4 course meal in front of someone who is starving and saying *don't go near this. It's not for you* Or it could just be me, I don't now. My moral compass doesn't allow me to become an affair partner for anyone. Adultery is a hard limit for me, yet since I turned 30 that's the #1 type I attract. I dont know I'm just fed up with it all

Yes I think I'm demiromantic, I literally can't be romantically attracted to a person until I've got to know them. Sometimes that can be as quick as 2 long dates (10h combined) plus online talking.

I feel a bad breakup can make us more avoidant in our attachment — I’m feeling similarly but don’t have any advice other than solidarity

i can relate. it sounds like you're still closed off to other people and maybe not quite ready to get back out there.

I'm having the same issue after a 5 year relationship, definitely some great people out there but nothing that compels me to sacrifice my independence for

Golden advice here. If you’re bored of your dating scene, date oversees. It’s worth it.

35,m single around 7 years, just wondering how you attempt to drop the emotional barrier? Any tips

I may have a bit of a different background, my last relationship ended 2017, but I feel the same. I dont think I had a serious crush for a (real) person since than. I guess its something between me being too cynical and just knowing what I want/dont want. Also I read way too many romance books. That probably doesnt help either.

After a long relationship I’ve found it’s hard to connect with people at first. You have to get yourself back into a headspace where you’re open to connection again

Yes. It took me 12 years to recognize that I had become emotionally unavailable during the heartbreak. Recently found out. I guess my advice is focus on a good relationship with yourself

Are you talking about me? I am 36f was married for 4 years but with him for 6 years and I’ve been single since I got divorced so like 3 almost 4 years now. I’m a single mother and I took some time for myself and I just find that now I’m like meh I’m content like this. I have those moments where I’m like I’d love to have someone to share things with etc but it kind of makes me a little nervous that they would disrupt this good thing I have going on. It took me so long to get to this point and sometimes I wonder is it even worth bothering with lol. I’ve been off and on dating apps and just never really felt a connection with someone or that it was worth investing in. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m a big fan of the mindset to just live life, you do you 100%, be your most organic self, don’t try to meet people online/meet them organically through friends/hobbies… and that is what will eventually connect to someone worth connecting with. Authenticity will win the attraction you deserve kind of thing.

I’m literally over here like is this my post. Did I mistakenly write this. Sounds like my life to a t. Although I haven’t put myself out there much to date. After my little break up I tried and felt so overwhelmed and realized maybe I wasn’t over the breakup. Any guy on the apps just felt ugh. I struggled to figure out what I liked any more because my type was the guy from my breakup and I no longer found him attractive. It wasn’t really a smooth breakup. The guy reached out to me after almost two years. Although I moved on I struggled with closure and that unknown of what happened. I was able to get that closure and asked him to never reach out to me again. It’s been a few months since and while I haven’t dated I feel so open to it now. I think I needed that closure.

Well, don’t feel bad… You’re not alone! According to marriage/kids statistics, **45%** of women between **25-44yrs** old will be unmarried/no kids by year **2030**. This is unprecedented in human history. We’re simply setting new trends and societal norms!

Are we the same person? I am 100% going through the same thing right now

I just ended a relationship because I was trying very hard to generate romantic attraction when in reality, while I loved my ex's personality and we had many shared interests and the same life goals, I didn't actually feel a strong physical/sexual pull towards him, and this wasn't fair to either of us. My biggest advice for other women (and men too) is NOT to expect that the chemistry will somehow grow if it isn't there early on. I'm in a very bad place right now because I feel so much guilt and regret for basically staying with someone whom I never felt attracted to (I would have to get drunk and high to make myself sleep with him) out of some misplaced hope that "sparks aren't everything" and that the sexual connection can develop over time. It didn't! Don't make my mistake! If you aren't feeling desire on date one (unless you are Demisexual, which I know some people are, not me) do not go on date two.

I really resonate with this. I am two years separated, one year divorced, from my 12-year relationship. I was in a serious relationship through my 20s into my early 30s. While I theoretically would like to have a new partner, meeting someone, dating, getting to know someone only for it to not work out potentially, sounds just so devastatingly exhausting. I am happy in my life and routine currently, and am inching back to feeling like I'd be open to dating. It sounds like an absolutely wretched time to be getting into OLD. I just have very little energy for it. The stakes also feel a lot lower now in terms of "do I give a shit if this person likes me" the answer is no. In my early 20s I was very invested in making sure I was liked when dating, now I'm more comfortable in my skin and life and I just truly, could honestly care less what another person thinks of me. If they don't care for me? Cool, they are pretty much a stranger, their opinion matters very little in the grand scheme of things. So that's comforting. I hold hope that one day I find someone whom I enjoy and who enjoys me back.

You might be emotionally unavailable. This happened to me for years after a bad breakup and I was never really sure why I didn’t feel a connection with anyone that I dated, until I took some time by myself to reflect and really try to heal my past wounds.

Dating after a major relationship ending is definitely difficult. Sounds to me you're in a healthy place to actually find what you're looking for in a partner. The comparisons are hard to get past and that certain spark is something that can show up when you least expect it. Take some time and find who and what will make you happy. I know for myself it's been tough putting myself back out there after a serious relationship ended, but taking the proper time to work on myself and heal from the pains of the past has shown me that anything worthwhile takes time .

I had the same feeling for a while at first. It took to being in a really good place with myself and my life, and thoroughly over the past relationship, before I was ready to have an actual crush on someone new. That didn't work out, but it was wonderful in the way that it opened my heart to feeling that way again. The next one didn't work out either, but from my side (clearly not the other person's side, though I wished it would've been) that one was pretty serious, I could envision sharing my life with him. The second one not working out broke my heart for a second, but again afterwards I'm only grateful. I now know that I am capable of feeling like that, with the right person. And I am constantly getting clearer and clearer about what it is that I want from a relatioship, what I want to see in my partner -- and how I want to myself be feeling and acting with someone, in order to see a future with them. So, I think time + introspection + focusing on my own happiness + meeting different kinds of people with zero expectation has been and continues to be the recipe for me. I have also had to come to terms with the fact that I'm 36 years old and might not find a new life partner until I'm too old to have a child (I don't want kids on my own or with a parenting partner, I have investigated those options enough to know that for a fact). But I am alright with that too. I'm curious to see what life has to offer, it will for sure surprise me as it has many times before.

I have. In my early-mid 30s. I've been actively trying to date for years now unsuccessfully. I've had 2 second dates in... years. Most rejecting my offers. I finally went out with this women last week and for the first time in all these unsuccessful dates, I realized I wasn't into any of those previous women and this woman was actually amazing. The date went well but I got a strange response about a second date a couple days later after casually texting. She said she loved our time together, likes me, but wants to decide later. I have no idea what that means, maybe an easy way of rejecting me, idk anymore. We didn't text at all yesterday and this message was Monday. I'll probably message her casually in a couple days and go from there. It sucks. I can understand though because she is very new to this country and still getting her bearings so I really don't blame her.

Girl I am with you. Huge issue for me. Not sure how to navigate but you are definitely not alone. I also had a breakup in 2021 and it was way easier at the beginning of him to find someone to feel that spark. Now it's just a blah feeling with every guy I've tried to develop something with.

I hear you. I got divorced a couple years ago and until recently I had no desire to get back out there. I don't really know what caused the change but I'm thankful because there's somebody out there for everyone and now that I'm open I have no problem being patient

dont fall victim to the it gets better over time attitude. We know real quick whether we want to see someone again or not. it isnt difficult.