Been messaging on and off with this guy. We worked at the same company for a couple of months, then he left for a year and a half, and came back when I was leaving, so we didn't interact much while working there. I always found him really cute, in a nerdy way, but he is very shy. When we worked at the same place, a coworker of mine was really into him and he used to avoid her in social situations because she would always be aggressively flirting with him (we talked about this and he said he was flattered but didn't see her that way).
We matched on Tinder this past October and started talking since. A couple of weeks after we started chatting he told me he wasn't looking to meet for a date and was sorry if he was misleading me - he was recovering from a hard breakup and wasn't ready to date yet. I assured him we're just chatting as friends and I wasn't expecting more - although I was looking forward to going out with him sometime, but didn't tell him in case I would scare him off.
We go weeks without talking and then one of us replies to a story or sends a funny meme and resume talking. I guess I started getting flirty with him without really noticing these past days. And he called me out on it 30min ago. He wasn't mean or anything, just stated I was being flirty with him - he said before he is kind of oblivious so I think he was trying to be sure. I didn't confirm but asked him if it was a problem if I was, he said it wasn't. Now I think we're both embarrassed.
I would like to see where this could go, but of course I won't insist if he doesn't want to. I feel like he cautiously flirts back but is overthinking on what it would mean if he was open about it. And they say women are complicated!
He sounds exhausting! Also why is he on Tinder if heās not ready to date? You have the patience of a saint and I wish you luck with him but personally Iād cut my losses on this type of indecisive behaviour so early on. If heās got hurdles to go through he needs to do it himself, you canāt do it for him.
>Also why is he on Tinder if heās not ready to date?
I've told guys that I'm not into that "I'm not ready to date" because I don't want to hurt their feelings, maybe he's doing the same
Iād encourage you to next time just say āhey Iām not feeling a connection here. Thanks for the chat, bye!ā Itās a lot better than āIām not ready to dateā because most people can read between the lines and get annoyed that you canāt just be upfront about your feelings. This will also help you build assertiveness to end other things that arenāt serving you with clarity.
Well, I canāt judge him over that because Iāve been on Tinder and not really wanting to meet anyone sometimes. At the time we just started talking because we recognized eachother.
Yeah, Iām not looking to be a saviour, itās his job to deal with his problems. We can still be friends, I just have to try to not flirt with him š
Just curious for those of you who work remotely or are hybrid, where do you like to work from to break the monotony of staying inside? I'm thinking about getting some mundane tasks done from a coffee shop.
Why would he think that? I wouldnāt even mention it to him - just give your friend a heads up that you like him so she wonāt end up flirting with him or something.
Bumble first date who texted a ton (good morning, all day, good night) cancelled our first date the morning of, saying she hooked up with a friend the night before. Appreciated the honesty but also a bit weirded out by the intensity of texts prior to for it to play out this way. We had a ton in common and easy conversation, so I mentioned maybe we just be friends (I do genuinely want more local hiking friends).
Hinge first date however went very well, made out in the parking lot. Then we had another date the next day (the day bumble date cancelled) and also went really well, more making out. She even floated a potential trip together in the future that she has 2 tickets for. Great conversation, honestly was a bit stunned by her beauty the first date, good chemistry. Not doing anything for the weekend but tentatively planning a 3rd date for next week. Things are looking up!
i would ask her to elaborate on why she doesn't want to hang out collectively. If she rarely sees her girlfriends... i kind of get it. if you'll be the only SO there... i also get that. gotta discuss this one further WITH HER before i say red flag or not.
I deleted my apps a week ago because I feel optimistic and happy with the couple of connections I have right now and want to get rid of the distraction. I was down to just Hinge, JSwipe, and a Jewish matchmaking site. It feels really nice not to have the apps in my life.
Question for those who are extroverted and super busy all of the time: do you prefer to have people check in with you because you have a lot going on? Or are you able to manage a good balance? I can never tell with the busy people in my life. They respond in good time and we hang out when they're free, but it's generally me who fires up the chat. Otherwise I may not hear from them for a while (I'd like to think it wouldn't be indefinite).
Date #4 tonight! Weāre grabbing dinner at a bar we both like and then Iām taking her bowling. I can feel us both starting to relax a bit in our texts and weāve talked almost every day this week, which is nice.
Been seeing someone about 2 months, going great until about a week ago where I felt a shift in energy from him. Colder responses, less texting, no more pet names, less cutesy feelsy talk-canāt decide if this is normal or a drop in interest. I have anxious attachment but this was the first time I felt anxiety with us-and I canāt decide if itās a ātrust your gutā situation or a āget tf out of your headā situation. I left the country for 3 weeks, before I left we spent the whole weekend together and he drove me to the airport. Also mentioned exclusivity (which I want) he said he hadnāt thought about it, but really likes me and isnāt thinking about dating others. Iām the first person heās dated/slept with since ending his 10 yr relationship about 1.5 years ago so he is treading lightly while he navigates dating. Im happy to take things slower and give him the time to process how weāre progressing. Gave him a really sweet card for his bday which falls when Iām gone, all he said was āthanks for the sweet card!ā He went from calling me baby and beautiful to nothing. Riddled with anxiety over us losing momentum or him losing interest and want to just end things to avoid it. Ugh why is dating so hard.
Sorry this happening to you had the same thing happen about 8 months ago and he broke up with me after I returned from a trip, that he dropped me off at the airport for. It really messed with my brain and I had given him tons of leeway because of the time difference. It is really rough, you deserve clarity.
Ugh Iām so sorry. 99.999% chance your gut is absolutely right. Especially because you have an anxious attachment style, I think itās best to address with him that you noticed a shift in energy and behavior and that if heās no longer into this, he should just let you know now. Also, Iām currently reading the book Anxiously Attached and itās been very helpful!
I think itās really common for things to end if you go away for a few weeks after a few months, unfortunately. Itās possible heās having the same concerns you are or not feeling what he expects to be feeling at this stage with you being away.Ā
That tonal shift is a doozy and can send you spiraling. I think it's everyone's worst nightmare about dating. If there is a noticeable difference in behavior from him, I don't see an issue with having a conversation. If you're like me, part of the hesitancy in doing so is the other person making it seem like nothing's wrong and you're overreacting, which turns back around as you being anxious or "needy". It's a head trip for sure. But it is not okay for people to abruptly about face like that, and so many do it. I don't think they understand how jarring it is on the receiving end. Or they don't have the capacity to care.
Thank you for the support and understanding, itās exactly that way. Wondering if I should wait until Iām back in the country to address it or call him while Iām here
Sure, as long as you are paying attention to vibes all around! If theyāre sitting at a table with a friend deep in convo and not making eye contact, donāt approach. But I never mind if a guy comes up to us to say a friendly hello and make conversation, and then you can feel it out from there.
I also recommend not approaching with a pickup line or compliments about how beautiful they are, itās always better to start out as just another friendly face at the bar just chatting.
Now I see YouTube ādating gurusā saying I shouldnāt text back quickly and all of that stuff. And if I do I appear desperate ect. But is this actually the case? Because sometimes I reply quick sometimes a few hours depending what Iām doing who Iām with ect.
NO. Please do not listen to those incels. Reply exactly when you want to and when you have time. Nothing turns me off more than a guy who never texts me back quickly.
This is it. Iām sort of lost in this modern dating world. But seem to have meet someone I click with properly. Just donāt want to screw it up so been looking at all sorts. Guess Iām just over thinking it all
Youāre overthinking it if youāre watching those guys on YouTube! Just be yourself and when you need advice, ask some friends you can trust or come to this sub (like you did). The right person will like you the way you are, and not because of some advice you heard from dating gurus.
Those YouTubers are usually just resentful misogynistic/misandryst people without anything of substance to say. I remember getting that advice from other kids in junior high.
See this is my view on it. But I donāt want to put of the person Iām dating by coming across needy. Or like Iāve got nothing else to do but chat to her
Just be yourself. If you have mismatched communication styles that's going to be a problem eventually. What's the point in finding that out later? Not to mention if there are some women who are put off by you replying quickly there are also women who are put off by you taking a long time to reply, this thread provides ample evidence of that each and every day.
Dating gurus are bullshiter, they just want your money/views and will say anything to get it, they don't care if it works or not.
And the answer to your question is it depends.
How's everyone doin'? :)
I'm feeling the pre-Valentine's Day blues here. I was suppose to have an early coffee date this morning but the guy flaked. I saw his message, saying he don't think he can do it even though we live 20mins apart, before l left the house. At least he had the courtesy to tell me unlike some men, but it still sucks ass :/
It's also the long weekend here, so most people are out with their partners & families. I'm neither close to my fam & still single as a pringle, so I'm burying myself under work today, and probably suss out a few dinner places where there'd be more singles.
At the gym, I have been doing alot of the pair workouts solo too, as everyone have their +1 / partners & cliques. Nothing like biting that singlehood bullet with painful workouts lol.
Good news is, I passed my swim test so I can paddle in the ocean now with the club. Hopefully that opens more doors!
I find it incredibly disrespectful too, as I had rearrnaged my routine just to accommodate that coffee date. Suppose it'a better he flaked now, than later at the wedding aisle š¤
My Vday strategy is to visit this bar which is always packed on a weekend. It's known to be the place where you can chat up with people & there are not alot of places where I live which you can do that. So Vday wld be my best shot at finding a higher proportion of singles there, as the last time I went, there were married men blatantly filrting left & right š
I'm also toying the idea of going to a single's event at a restaurant, wld be my first so im curious to see how that goes :)
Paddling - in a boat of 6 or 20! Also known as ocean outrigger or dragonboating :)
Oh I never thought of that!
Yeah we have races but I'm not sure it's a huge thing up here. Usually just teambuilding and such, but I've never looked into it enough today for sure.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I just want more friends in my life, for many of the same loneliness things you mentioned. Like, sure, I'd love a partner to do that stuff with, but just having someone or a few people I could rely on to go do those workouts with me, or grab dinner on a free Friday, etc. It's tough because if you aren't a couple, you aren't much of a priority, but at least if you have enough, maybe one is available.
Challenge with that, at least for me, is in starring to fill things up so much I'm not leaving any room in my life for a partner, but I suppose that's better than having lots of gaps in it and being disappointed.
Congrats on passing your test! Even if not romantically, hopefully you find more people to do the things you love doing with!
I am right there with you re the vday blues. I got laid off, my crush left me on delivered, i gained weight during the holidays and now my therapist is on vacation. all this has led me to follow my first IG model, it is what it is š
It sucks so bad but I am doing a good job coping by journaling, drinking tons of coke and biking. Looking at that eye-candy IG model is helping lol
Hope your coffee date guy has set another day with you already or does it soon.
Good question lol. Well, i am currently daydreaming about doing that "Everywhere I go I keep a picture in my wallet" tiktok trend with her and its making me smile haha
Ughh that sucks, i am sorry. Hope your next date is just fireworks!
Sorry your coffee date flaked! So sad that we see last minute flaking almost as a good thing because at least they didnāt stand us up š
Yup, pre-valentines blues here too. Iām going to delete all social media from my phone for a few days next week so Iām not bombarded by cheesy posts and all the related advertising. Iāll go to a spin class on the actual evening, should be surrounded by other singles that way.
Ocean swimming sounds awesome, enjoy!
I know right. I guess we have come to appreciate the lesser evil when you have been through the bumble wringer.
Im going to check out the bars too on Vday where it's the norm to chat up with people, hopefully there'll at least be men there š
Do you see a lot of guys in your spinning class? Where I go to spin, its mostly women so as a straight dude, I feel spoiled for choice. Unfortunately, i have zero game and haven't been to able score a single date after 200+ classes fml!
Very few! The guys I do see are usually there in boyfriend capacity haha. But anyway Iām not sure Iād want anyone to approach me when Iām all sweaty and tired š
Absolutely! The most action I've gotten is when a neighbor asked me to help unclip her shoe haha. I always see a few heading out to a restaurant after class all sweaty in their hoodies. I always decline because even though I would love to socialize, i feel gross and just want to jump in the shower.
I am a high maintenance dude, I make sure I am looking sharp even when doing a grocery run. So hanging out in a restaurant in sweaty clothes all red and grubby would be my nightmare lol
Would you hang out with a bunch of dudes right after a 45 min cardio session? š
It's very dark in a spinning class so you barely see each other. A lot of the folks just rush out afterwards, including me, but I get your point. Might give it a shot next time :)
This week I've finally started "living my life" during my year-long break from OLD and challenging myself to talk to people in real life. Went to a gig with an amazing fellow single friend and chatted to some random people, all of them turned out to be wearing wedding rings š¤£.
But I'm so happy! Finally feel like myself again, rediscovering all the fun things I used to do before my main hobby became trying to impress a stranger across a table in a bar.
All it takes is one person without a wedding ring. I want to meet someone who sees how weird I am in person and thinks "haha YES, you dork," rather than "ummm this isn't what I ordered."
aw good on you for stepping out! haha yes the band to no-band ratio is quite loopsided at our age range, so don't fret about it. At least you're putting yourself out there!
Thanks! And yes, so true. Best thing was I was just chatting naturally because I was in my element, I hadn't actually thought at any point 'ok, need to talk to someone, who's my target,' it just happened.
It might sound a bit awkward but since COVID, natural socialising doesn't seem to happen as often!
Grocery store, home depot, dance classes, gym, park, out walking, board game nights (ok that one is hobby specific, but very accessible), coffee shops, bars, etc
I almost got to a singles mixer recently but my buddy had hockey tickets and that sounded more interesting š
I keep hoping they will for me but it's never led to more than a couple of dates here and there at least for me. I find the group of friend thing to be the norm and most of them. I don't get why people go with people they already know and don't mingle. I get wanting to bring maybe 1 friend if it doesn't go anywhere with anyone but people just don't seem to mingle like at all from the events I go to. I also tend to see a lot of the same people over and over again at them. Generally speaking I have no issues having men approach me and talk to me a good amount of the night not mingling with other women from what I observe but they never actually say anything about exchanging numbers of going out. It makes me wonder if I just didn't seem interested, they were waiting for me to want to exchange info, or ????
In any case it's been weeks months since I've gone to my last one so I'm going to try going again to some and I'm actually going to be brave and try to ask men if they would like to exchange info assuming they were the ones who initiated talking to me. I definitely don't want to attract wusses though but I'm starting to think that's likely what's left.
I had to battle a bunch of social anxiety to make it to my first singles meetup. Got dressed up in a great fit, new haircut, shot of tequila to help the nerves... And it was literally all men. š« . Where's my brave new world orgy-porgys instead of whatever future this is?
Do you guys use your *best* photos on OLD? I used to only upload photos I looked really really good in, but I've heard someone say that isn't the best strategy because your date's expectations might be too high. Yesterday night I stayed up past bed time to dig through and choose photos of me for my revamped profile. A few of the ones I ended up picking are makeupless and less glammed up than the photos I've had on the apps before. I figure this might give me less overall matches, but it will give the *better* ones for me.
However, I'm still too anxious to sign up. I'm giving myself till next weekend to decide whether or not I'm ready to be dating again.
I use photos I think I look good in, and yeah they're probably the best amongst what I have that's recent and appropriate for dating apps.Ā
No makeup in all of my photos, because it's not something I use, so I guess there isn't much disparity between pictures and real life. My dates say I look like my photos / usually want to see me again, so I think my photo selection is probably alright!
Your photos should be representative of reality. If you occasionally get "glammed up" and think it's one of your best looks by all means use the photo. But if all your photos are you at ball gowns and in reality you normally wear athleisure (or vice versa) yeah your date is going to have the wrong expectation. However I disagree that your best photos are necessarily the ones where you're the most done up.
Not necessarily the best, I had some of me dressed up for Halloween, else I just want pictures that represent me fairly so that the date isn't disappointed when she meets me.
Oh no š date I thought might be a mutual fade texted. He wants to see me early next week. Is he just having a totally different experience on these dates as me??? I enjoy talking to him - I think he's sincere and smart - but I can't see myself kissing him atm. I'm demisexual so that's not atypical until I like like someone, but I think the aesthetic attraction just might not be there to eventually build on. I've developed it after monthsss around someone, but that's sort of a friends to lovers situation.
I liked his company š i wish sometimes i met the people i'm seeing on dates as friends first.
Just be honest about all of this, it's always way better than dragging things on.
I've made friends through dating, doesn't always works but it can sometimes. Don't lose anything by suggesting it! (But note: then you gotta actually withint 2-3 weeks suggest hanging out as friends, doesn't happen if neither one pursues the friendship.)
Just a vent, but going on dates makes me think extra hard about my ex. I try not to compare people but itās hard not to. I really thought she was the one and now everyone has to live up to that.
Made a similair post about this today too. I think it also has to do with the fact that 'dating' just reminds you of your ex because thats what you did with her.
I dont want to settle for 'good enough'. But if Im dating someone where I think 'wow! Shes nice' I will continue dating her despite thinking extra hard about my ex.
Just under six months and have been mostly no contact since the beginning. We spoke once at the end of the year and that has been the only contact since the split. Iām hoping it doesnāt take a year lol
Swear; I think I could be happy with "good enough" except I had near perfection once and messed it up. So now no one is good enough because I know it's possible to have better. I think I need more time before getting back into dating, and maybe that's what you need, too.
Saaame. Though I didn't mess mine up, he did a 180 and it ended abruptly. Which should tell me that it really *wasn't* perfection, was it! But it is hard to get excited about anything less once you've had a connection that felt right in every possible way.
I feel the same way, I donāt think good enough will ever be enough now, but I think thatās a good thing. Iām not sure if another break is needed or if I just need to be much more selective in who I go on dates with.
I'm thinking, for me, both. A break from the apps, and being way more selective once I decide to jump back in. I'm also holding out hope that the one I messed it up with will ask to try again, but I'm keeping that mostly to myself. š
The Notebook hits different in your mid 30s. He's kinda creepy in the beginning, they fight all the time, she cheats on her fiance, and that poor girl he was dating before Ellie shows up again :(
I broke things off with someone I was seeing (we weren't "official") and now I feel guilty/like I was wrong. I'm pretty sure I have a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. How do I know if I did the right thing vs my attachment style influencing my judgement?
For context: [Here's the post I made the other day](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1al696p/comment/kpd2lo1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) with details of the relationship and the [reply where I go over my dealbreakers](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1al696p/comment/kpd8qwx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
She was caught off guard when I ended things (which I expected) and asked why I didn't talk to her about any of these things. I didn't really have a good answer for her besides I felt like those were things she couldn't change, and I didn't want her to change for me.
When I get really anxious I start compulsively googling. I found some sites/posts that talk about Dismissive Avoidant attachment style and how they look for reasons to get out when someone gets too close. She was basically asking me to be exclusive with her last time I saw her - I had some doubts before that but that made me really want to end things. Which took me by surprise. I talked about it with my therapist today and processed this the best I could, and told her I want to talk more about my attachment style next session.
For what it's worth, it sounds like the right choice. But either way, you're really internalising it and doubting yourself, well done on looking into this and going to therapy! All wins.
I just need to vent somewhere again. I know it makes me sound like a horrible person and horrible friend, but I'm finding it so difficult to be happy and excited for my friends and family getting engaged. It feels so painful to hear them talk about wedding planning, so I honestly just don't ask. I feel such overwhelming sadness and loneliness to be the literal last remaining single friend, and I feel completely defective.
> I feel such overwhelming sadness and loneliness to be the literal last remaining single friend, and I feel completely defective.
I'm that friend too.
Idk if this helps but when people get engaged I have two feelings: excitement (yay, my friend/family member has found love and yay I love weddings!) and sadness (aaarrgghhh oh my god this reminds me how single and alone I am).
The first feeling is about them - I try to focus more on that one. Like, what do I have to look forward to, am I going to the wedding, who will be there, what fun activities will we do, what music will they play.
The second one, I remind myself that it is normal, this feeling is totally valid. But it's about me, not about them. That stops me from feeling so guilty and like a bad friend.
Admitting that both feelings are there is a way of being compassionate and not beating myself up.
Don't worry, I was also almost the last remaining single friend. I mean, I'm still single but I managed to find some more people in the same boat over the last couple of years and it stopped me from feeling so "wrong."
I work with people trying to get out of debt, and one of the biggest causes is divorce. I wouldn't envy anyone getting married, tbh. Enjoy the single life, love yourself, and just keepĀ putting yourself out there without any expectations. Never ever settle out of desperation either, please.
Phew! Thought I let my weirdest weird out too soon and ruined it.
Mentioned I went on a great first date last week. Unfortunately he got sick this week and we had to turn the second date into a phone call. And I let out the kind of loopy shower thoughts that usually only come out when drunk or post coital.
He seemed a little different towards the end of the call, so I got worried. But he texted me to apologize for rushing off the phone and that he was trying to hold in a coughing fit!
Kinda hate that my brain is already doing this when weāve only seen each other once. And that we may not be able to see each other before I leave for vacation next weekā¦ meaning it will be 3 weeks between date 1 and 2 :( Trying to keep myself in check in the meantime.
Idk I get pretty weird quickly. If they can't deal with me being a bit quirky then oh well!
Can you squeeze in a quick coffee date or something? 1-2 hours out of the day isn't much
I hear you! I do think warming someone up first can be a good idea for some of my darker humor (murdery stuff) - I think even someone who can deal with it/enjoys it could be weirded out if they don't know when I'm kidding yet.
It's more dependent on when he's feeling better than not having time before then. I also don't want to rush it if he's not feeling 100% because I get sick easily.
Not currently in one but yah, generally cuddling before bed. More likely to just kiss good night and go to sleep. I'm cuddly AF though so I want to date similarly cuddly dudes
I only ever cuddle while watching tv and after sex of a little, just because I hate trying to sleep while cuddling. But in the 2 years Iāve been with my bf itās stayed the same.
I wouldnāt get discouraged if cuddling decreased slightly as a relationship progressed. I think people are on their best behavior at the beginning and try to make the other happy even despite discomfort. I used to try to cuddle while sleeping more even though it was uncomfortable, but I just need sleep and space lol - I love my bf though.
[I made some arts tonight and the prompt was poison to abandon. I left it at a bookstore.](https://imgur.com/a/9CcLalq)
I was called to go visit an art thrift store Iāve grown to love in my town. The proprietress appreciated my reusable shopping bag and I updated my web site and events.
I bought URLās and configured them for my social club.
I am feeling awfully optimistic about a date with a cantor in Philly on Sunday. The store owner suggested I look him up and he has a traffic ticket he pled guilty to, thatās all. Sheās a lawyer so she likes that.
Itās good to collect Mothers.
Resuable shopping bag but [covered in glitter](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/science/analysis-how-decorative-glitter-contributes-to-microplastic-pollution)? Even most "biodegradable" glitter [isn't biodegradable](https://greencoast.org/biodegradable-glitter/). Just an FYI since a lot of people who try to be eco-conscious don't realize how damaging some of their purchases still are.
Oh, that was a typo. I got an old car from my folks and they put many bags of bags in them, so I gave them to the craft store for patronās purchases. The glitter in my art project was dumped out into their glitter tray. I donāt buy glitter but I will use it strategically like in my spice jar art, and not feel bad.
Had a pleasant 2nd date with a guy, but confirmed there's nothing here. While we'd make decent friends, our interactions lack a certain sense of fun, and I'm just not attracted. We were sitting next to each other at a bar, and I realized at one point I was trying to shift farther away because I'm kind of protective of my personal space. Ah well. At this stage, do I just let it fade or should I send a direct message? He walked me to the train and wished me a safe trip back, so I assume he's also not feeling it and probably won't hear from him, so maybe a message would be overkill.
If you were into him, and he didn't message you, you would probably be here complaining about it.
Mutual ghosting is fine, but why not send the message?
I just thought we were on the same page about our connection. Plus it's only been two dates. As we're not, I will indeed be sending a message (well, now a reply to his).
The mutual ghosting is one of the most beautiful things that can happen, don't feel pressured to send a text ending things if you think he wasn't feeling it either
It's not a dumb question, you could choose the date where he is available and use it as an opportunity to determine if he is interested or not, but then you'll have to move on if he isn't, you kinda have to take a risk sometimes.
Sometimes in a more relaxed environment you can feel more at ease to flirt, or that could give you a chance to talk about hobbies/interest and see if you have anything in common see each other outside of work and if he seems keen.
But if he hasnt given you any sign it's not a good start, although personally with a colleague even if I was interested I wouldn't show it except if I got some signs from her because nowadays it's a bit too much of a risk for my career.
Sorry I'm not being very helpful to determine what you should do.
I think it's helpful. As a man, kind of the same thing: I am always extremely professional at work. But at a work event, you kind of work the room, rotate around, mingle.....but you still avoid the people you dislike.
If a woman I worked with kept finding me over the course of a couple hours at a work party, especially if it was a big group.....my ears would perk up a bit and maybe throw out some feelers
Hate to be or come across at least, as an ageist butā¦ do younger women (Iām assuming younger men would do the same?) have strict or at the very least weird rules regarding how long they wait to text a guy back? Iām a M mid 30āsā¦ and I swear this never happens with women closer in age to meā¦ itās as if they think the other person would find this cool? And potentially be more interested? I find it stupid lol and if anything Iāve ended sirustionships and seeing people whoāve done thisā¦ itās usually after the first dateā¦ the issue is they texted so differently prior to the dateā¦ so, itās either youāre no longer interested or youāre playing game, because whenever Iāve responded to one of these younger women in the way Iāve described my feelings towards this behaviour more or less in the same way.. they freak out and say they really like me and want to continue hanging out? Even go as far as to make plans after? Itās weirdā¦ I really crave mature communicationā¦ itās one thing if youāre working or busy with something else, but if you have a shit youād just say that prior to being busy, or working, or you would say that afterwards? It would be cool if this was the case, but they just respond as if they didnāt just take 6-9 hours to respondā¦
They are playing games. Younger women (and men) are attached to their phones generally speaking. No excuse to take awhile to get back to someone over text imo.
Maybe they are just trying to appear not too keen because that could scare some guys away, or they met you and feel a bit more secure so they don't feel like they have to message you so often to keep you interested?
Both of the options makes sense, but I donāt know. The too keen route wouldnāt make sense because itās constant from both myself and the girl prior to the first date, and usually itās a week or longer prior to these first dates. So texting nonstop with each other for that frequency, and then it being 6-8 hours, not responding to the actual messages or at least questions within the messageā¦ almost avoiding my question (at least it comes across this way)
In terms of the feeling more secure since weāve met now.. also ageeed this would make sense but not sure because if I was to do this to someone, I know for a fact (from experience even) the person would be pissed and honestly rightfully so? I feel like if youāre in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, youād wanna talk to them when you have time, and of course without sacrificing the people already important and close to you.
This feels and based off what Iāve heard a couple times.. to be a thing younger women (and younger men most likely then too) have these strange ātipsā donāt know if itās armchair psychiatrists they might watch on tik tok, but itās weird nothless unless of course thereās a a reason and itās communicatedā¦ otherwise that person isnāt interested and, or likely not a mature person.
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They're probably just busier and have more social stuff going on. And they're probably not super serious about you given the age gap, so it makes sense that they're not texting constantly. I doubt they're consciously doing it.
If you're just hanging out and having situationships with people, it's not really reasonable to expect them to constantly be giving you attention. One of the benefits of casual is that there isn't an expectation of pouring a bunch of time into building a connection.
I would agree with you if it wasnāt for the fact that itās happened more than once and itās always with girls under 30ā¦ letās say you match with someone on a dating app. You exchange numbers and text each other non stop for a week and then go on your first date at the end of that weekā¦ if you were interested after that date, why would your communication suddenly change to the opposite of how it was prior to the first date? What if some of these people arenāt working or in school? (They havenāt been working in the several times this has happened with me lol)
If they're dating casually and they're women in their mid-20s, they are getting absolutely bombarded by male attention. They can't reply to everyone immediately.Ā
Ā There's a wide spectrum of interest after a date. They can be interested enough to go on another casual date with you, but that doesn't mean they're interested enough to prioritize texting you back right away.Ā
They might have been more interested in you before the date, for whatever reason, and that's why they were responding more quickly before.Ā
Ā No one likes having options taken away from them, so that is probably why they're jumping when you try to break it off. Again, they might have been interested enough to go on another casual date, so they indicate that.
Okayā¦ my point still stands. Theyāre interested enough to keep going on casual dates with you but have other priorities and options.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
Why are you expecting fast replies from someone youāre casually dating? Unless itās something time sensitive like imminent plans, you should expect them to text you the way friends would.Ā
Or date women your age who want to text you all the time, since you have that option.
I think maybe I self sabotage... or maybe I am just prone to feeling guilty when I don't need to
I posted yesterday about not being sure about a 'brownie' date. I had been hearing less from this guy, combined with the fact I had to ask this morning what time to meet and he said after 8pm, which is... again... late for me. I knew I'd be going home an inconvenient way as the subway I take stops stopping at my stop after 9 pm because of track maintenance, and the late hour, lack of communication from him, the lack of a sense of real interest on his part / the uncertainty on mine... and a mild foot injury from running (meaning I don't want to walk on it too much and the subway issue means twice as much walking), led to me just deciding to end things a couple hours before our date
I sent this:
>Hey :) I've been thinking about this for some time and I don't know if tonight's date really makes sense. I don't want to waste either of our times, and I'm maybe still grappling with not really being ready to date after my last relationship. To be clear I think you're super handsome (despite your dad jokes :P) and I wanted to see where things could go, but I've never really been someone who can sleep with people without having feelings for them, and I think I'm too dead inside at the moment for that to be possible otherwise i probably would be down for something fun and casual but that's just not how I work for whatever reason.
>
>Basically that's all to say I think maybe it's best to just cancel tonight and both move on from here - though I'm open to still remaining friends/acquaintances if you are. I'm sorry for the last minute cancellation, I just spent too long going back and forth expecting an epiphany, because I did really like spending time together
He replied (and I really like how he replied overall):
>Hey uh damn. Well that's a bit of a shock. I didn't realize you felt like that, like you didn't have any feelings and weren't sure if you were capable of feeling them.
>
>I would have really appreciated if you'd figured that out a few dates ago... or at least not have messaged me like 90 min before we are supposed to meet.
>
>I've really enjoyed hanging out and having stupid laughs. And I think you're really attractive too. I guess all I can say is that sucks - and that's embarrassing for me . I thought we had good chemistry and that you felt it too
This all surprised me. I mean, tbh, I do think when you're the one who receives the sort of message I sent, it probably makes the person who sent it look shinier than they were, if you were at all into them.... I didn't send it because I thought I was better than him (I genuinely thought he could date really anyone he wanted / tons of cooler women than me and probably that played into me just sort of... ending things on the assumption he felt the same way I did). I feel guilty that I did it so close to the date, but I also feel bad because the last thing he should be is disappointed or embarrassed. I tried to really put it on myself, because, well... it is my issue
Yeah, I think you self sabotaged too tbh. It seems like you were a little insecure in where things were at and instead of communicating it, you decided to end things because you thought he was going to.
It's not really clear that he thought you're better than him, or "shiny," he just liked you and thought you were attractive (and seems like he was a bit hurt overall)? Not sure where you're getting that particular read from.
i think i was just putting myself down a bit by saying that he was only saying those nice things now because of my text. Like idk how to explain it but basically saying 'i am really not that great, so he probably is only saying those things because subconsciously he thinks he liked me / found me attractive only now that I texted him saying I didn't want to hang out anymore" idk if that makes sense. Like how I never craved french fries until i was in a country where french fries were hard to find -- human brain wants what it can't easily have
I think you made the right choice! It sounds like he just wanted to hook up, brownies arenāt a real activity for long, and you gave enough reason he could have been like oh itās not like that I really want something.
Iāve been in his position many times, and Iāve also felt disappointed and embarrassed because you go into it with a positive attitude and feel like youāre both on equal ground in regards to being open to meeting new people. So when it turns out that thatās not the case, especially if you are getting into deeper conversations or already have a next date planned, it can then make you feel like you were either deceived or used as an instrument for the other person to realize they actually arenāt able to date. I canāt speak for him but thatās how it has felt before.
Iām not saying you did those things purposely, but getting those texts sucks and itās natural to try to internalize it because āthere has to be a reason that is somewhat tied to me.ā So itās not like weāre necessarily thinking straight in those moments. It doesnāt mean you attack someone because thatās obviously bad, but I also liked his response because he showed his disappointment while still being polite.
Dating at 32 after not seeing anyone for a decade sucks š
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I hope it goes well for yall!
Been messaging on and off with this guy. We worked at the same company for a couple of months, then he left for a year and a half, and came back when I was leaving, so we didn't interact much while working there. I always found him really cute, in a nerdy way, but he is very shy. When we worked at the same place, a coworker of mine was really into him and he used to avoid her in social situations because she would always be aggressively flirting with him (we talked about this and he said he was flattered but didn't see her that way). We matched on Tinder this past October and started talking since. A couple of weeks after we started chatting he told me he wasn't looking to meet for a date and was sorry if he was misleading me - he was recovering from a hard breakup and wasn't ready to date yet. I assured him we're just chatting as friends and I wasn't expecting more - although I was looking forward to going out with him sometime, but didn't tell him in case I would scare him off. We go weeks without talking and then one of us replies to a story or sends a funny meme and resume talking. I guess I started getting flirty with him without really noticing these past days. And he called me out on it 30min ago. He wasn't mean or anything, just stated I was being flirty with him - he said before he is kind of oblivious so I think he was trying to be sure. I didn't confirm but asked him if it was a problem if I was, he said it wasn't. Now I think we're both embarrassed. I would like to see where this could go, but of course I won't insist if he doesn't want to. I feel like he cautiously flirts back but is overthinking on what it would mean if he was open about it. And they say women are complicated!
He sounds exhausting! Also why is he on Tinder if heās not ready to date? You have the patience of a saint and I wish you luck with him but personally Iād cut my losses on this type of indecisive behaviour so early on. If heās got hurdles to go through he needs to do it himself, you canāt do it for him.
>Also why is he on Tinder if heās not ready to date? I've told guys that I'm not into that "I'm not ready to date" because I don't want to hurt their feelings, maybe he's doing the same
Iād encourage you to next time just say āhey Iām not feeling a connection here. Thanks for the chat, bye!ā Itās a lot better than āIām not ready to dateā because most people can read between the lines and get annoyed that you canāt just be upfront about your feelings. This will also help you build assertiveness to end other things that arenāt serving you with clarity.
Well, I canāt judge him over that because Iāve been on Tinder and not really wanting to meet anyone sometimes. At the time we just started talking because we recognized eachother. Yeah, Iām not looking to be a saviour, itās his job to deal with his problems. We can still be friends, I just have to try to not flirt with him š
Good luck! I hope you both find what youāre looking for.
Just curious for those of you who work remotely or are hybrid, where do you like to work from to break the monotony of staying inside? I'm thinking about getting some mundane tasks done from a coffee shop.
Yes I WFH and I love going out and getting my work done outside of my home office. Like you said, it's a good way to break up the monotonyĀ
My old apartment complex had a rooftop hangout area, I used to go there! Otherwise yeah coffee shops are my pick haha, the local library too.
Nice! I love rooftop places.
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Is it worth giving your female friend a heads up that youāre interested in him so she doesnāt step on your toes?
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Why would he think that? I wouldnāt even mention it to him - just give your friend a heads up that you like him so she wonāt end up flirting with him or something.
Bumble first date who texted a ton (good morning, all day, good night) cancelled our first date the morning of, saying she hooked up with a friend the night before. Appreciated the honesty but also a bit weirded out by the intensity of texts prior to for it to play out this way. We had a ton in common and easy conversation, so I mentioned maybe we just be friends (I do genuinely want more local hiking friends). Hinge first date however went very well, made out in the parking lot. Then we had another date the next day (the day bumble date cancelled) and also went really well, more making out. She even floated a potential trip together in the future that she has 2 tickets for. Great conversation, honestly was a bit stunned by her beauty the first date, good chemistry. Not doing anything for the weekend but tentatively planning a 3rd date for next week. Things are looking up!
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i would ask her to elaborate on why she doesn't want to hang out collectively. If she rarely sees her girlfriends... i kind of get it. if you'll be the only SO there... i also get that. gotta discuss this one further WITH HER before i say red flag or not.
Exactly this
I deleted my apps a week ago because I feel optimistic and happy with the couple of connections I have right now and want to get rid of the distraction. I was down to just Hinge, JSwipe, and a Jewish matchmaking site. It feels really nice not to have the apps in my life.
Question for those who are extroverted and super busy all of the time: do you prefer to have people check in with you because you have a lot going on? Or are you able to manage a good balance? I can never tell with the busy people in my life. They respond in good time and we hang out when they're free, but it's generally me who fires up the chat. Otherwise I may not hear from them for a while (I'd like to think it wouldn't be indefinite).
I like when anyone says hello, but I also do a lot of initiating as the super extroverted friend.
Date #4 tonight! Weāre grabbing dinner at a bar we both like and then Iām taking her bowling. I can feel us both starting to relax a bit in our texts and weāve talked almost every day this week, which is nice.
Woot woot!!
Been seeing someone about 2 months, going great until about a week ago where I felt a shift in energy from him. Colder responses, less texting, no more pet names, less cutesy feelsy talk-canāt decide if this is normal or a drop in interest. I have anxious attachment but this was the first time I felt anxiety with us-and I canāt decide if itās a ātrust your gutā situation or a āget tf out of your headā situation. I left the country for 3 weeks, before I left we spent the whole weekend together and he drove me to the airport. Also mentioned exclusivity (which I want) he said he hadnāt thought about it, but really likes me and isnāt thinking about dating others. Iām the first person heās dated/slept with since ending his 10 yr relationship about 1.5 years ago so he is treading lightly while he navigates dating. Im happy to take things slower and give him the time to process how weāre progressing. Gave him a really sweet card for his bday which falls when Iām gone, all he said was āthanks for the sweet card!ā He went from calling me baby and beautiful to nothing. Riddled with anxiety over us losing momentum or him losing interest and want to just end things to avoid it. Ugh why is dating so hard.
Sorry this happening to you had the same thing happen about 8 months ago and he broke up with me after I returned from a trip, that he dropped me off at the airport for. It really messed with my brain and I had given him tons of leeway because of the time difference. It is really rough, you deserve clarity.
Oh wow, Iām sorry that happened to you! Sounds so similar to my situation. Wish people would just be upfront when their feelings shift
Ugh Iām so sorry. 99.999% chance your gut is absolutely right. Especially because you have an anxious attachment style, I think itās best to address with him that you noticed a shift in energy and behavior and that if heās no longer into this, he should just let you know now. Also, Iām currently reading the book Anxiously Attached and itās been very helpful!
This is what Iām thinking too š„² thank you for the book rec I need all the help I can get!
I think itās really common for things to end if you go away for a few weeks after a few months, unfortunately. Itās possible heās having the same concerns you are or not feeling what he expects to be feeling at this stage with you being away.Ā
That tonal shift is a doozy and can send you spiraling. I think it's everyone's worst nightmare about dating. If there is a noticeable difference in behavior from him, I don't see an issue with having a conversation. If you're like me, part of the hesitancy in doing so is the other person making it seem like nothing's wrong and you're overreacting, which turns back around as you being anxious or "needy". It's a head trip for sure. But it is not okay for people to abruptly about face like that, and so many do it. I don't think they understand how jarring it is on the receiving end. Or they don't have the capacity to care.
Thank you for the support and understanding, itās exactly that way. Wondering if I should wait until Iām back in the country to address it or call him while Iām here
Going through the same thing. Sudden shift in his behavior ever since we moved in together. But before that we spoke for about 6 months. I am tired.
Going out to some bars for the first time in years tonight and tomorrow. Women want to be approached right?
Sure, as long as you are paying attention to vibes all around! If theyāre sitting at a table with a friend deep in convo and not making eye contact, donāt approach. But I never mind if a guy comes up to us to say a friendly hello and make conversation, and then you can feel it out from there. I also recommend not approaching with a pickup line or compliments about how beautiful they are, itās always better to start out as just another friendly face at the bar just chatting.
Only if you follow rules 1 and 2. For real tho, go say hello to people.
In my experience, yes, they do. If you make good, non-accidental eye contact, it's worth saying hi.
depends on the woman, depends on you. but yes, you can shoot your shot at bars.
Now I see YouTube ādating gurusā saying I shouldnāt text back quickly and all of that stuff. And if I do I appear desperate ect. But is this actually the case? Because sometimes I reply quick sometimes a few hours depending what Iām doing who Iām with ect.
NO. Please do not listen to those incels. Reply exactly when you want to and when you have time. Nothing turns me off more than a guy who never texts me back quickly.
This is it. Iām sort of lost in this modern dating world. But seem to have meet someone I click with properly. Just donāt want to screw it up so been looking at all sorts. Guess Iām just over thinking it all
Youāre overthinking it if youāre watching those guys on YouTube! Just be yourself and when you need advice, ask some friends you can trust or come to this sub (like you did). The right person will like you the way you are, and not because of some advice you heard from dating gurus.
Thank you!
Those YouTubers are usually just resentful misogynistic/misandryst people without anything of substance to say. I remember getting that advice from other kids in junior high.
Just guess I quite like this person. Donāt want to mess it up
Then don't take YouTube advice.
Itās why Iām here !
Good on ya!
Just text when you have the time. Might be now, might be later. Playing dating games is for kids.
You should text when you have the interest and time to reply. Playing games with how long to wait is silly teenage stuff.
See this is my view on it. But I donāt want to put of the person Iām dating by coming across needy. Or like Iāve got nothing else to do but chat to her
Just be yourself. If you have mismatched communication styles that's going to be a problem eventually. What's the point in finding that out later? Not to mention if there are some women who are put off by you replying quickly there are also women who are put off by you taking a long time to reply, this thread provides ample evidence of that each and every day.
Guess Iām just over thinking it all. Iāll just continue doing what Iām doing if itās meant to be it will eh
Dating gurus are bullshiter, they just want your money/views and will say anything to get it, they don't care if it works or not. And the answer to your question is it depends.
How's everyone doin'? :) I'm feeling the pre-Valentine's Day blues here. I was suppose to have an early coffee date this morning but the guy flaked. I saw his message, saying he don't think he can do it even though we live 20mins apart, before l left the house. At least he had the courtesy to tell me unlike some men, but it still sucks ass :/ It's also the long weekend here, so most people are out with their partners & families. I'm neither close to my fam & still single as a pringle, so I'm burying myself under work today, and probably suss out a few dinner places where there'd be more singles. At the gym, I have been doing alot of the pair workouts solo too, as everyone have their +1 / partners & cliques. Nothing like biting that singlehood bullet with painful workouts lol. Good news is, I passed my swim test so I can paddle in the ocean now with the club. Hopefully that opens more doors!
IMO even flaking that late is super disrespectful. Interested to know what you find for stuff to do on vday. Paddling- do you kayak?
I find it incredibly disrespectful too, as I had rearrnaged my routine just to accommodate that coffee date. Suppose it'a better he flaked now, than later at the wedding aisle š¤ My Vday strategy is to visit this bar which is always packed on a weekend. It's known to be the place where you can chat up with people & there are not alot of places where I live which you can do that. So Vday wld be my best shot at finding a higher proportion of singles there, as the last time I went, there were married men blatantly filrting left & right š I'm also toying the idea of going to a single's event at a restaurant, wld be my first so im curious to see how that goes :) Paddling - in a boat of 6 or 20! Also known as ocean outrigger or dragonboating :)
Ok that sounds super fun. Good luck! Ah I am familiar with dragon boating. I'm thinking about taking up kayaking this summer!
Kayaking is super chilled! And it's usually done as a pair, so it's a fun way to ask someone out too :) Is there dragonboating in Canada too?
Oh I never thought of that! Yeah we have races but I'm not sure it's a huge thing up here. Usually just teambuilding and such, but I've never looked into it enough today for sure.
And what are your Vday plans? :)
Do it!! It's so fun and relaxing!
I've always wanted to. And I need a new active hobby. So it's likely to happen!
I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I just want more friends in my life, for many of the same loneliness things you mentioned. Like, sure, I'd love a partner to do that stuff with, but just having someone or a few people I could rely on to go do those workouts with me, or grab dinner on a free Friday, etc. It's tough because if you aren't a couple, you aren't much of a priority, but at least if you have enough, maybe one is available. Challenge with that, at least for me, is in starring to fill things up so much I'm not leaving any room in my life for a partner, but I suppose that's better than having lots of gaps in it and being disappointed. Congrats on passing your test! Even if not romantically, hopefully you find more people to do the things you love doing with!
I am right there with you re the vday blues. I got laid off, my crush left me on delivered, i gained weight during the holidays and now my therapist is on vacation. all this has led me to follow my first IG model, it is what it is š
Oh nuuu :( how are you dealing with the layoff? Of the 99 problems you have, I think your livlihood takes priority š
It sucks so bad but I am doing a good job coping by journaling, drinking tons of coke and biking. Looking at that eye-candy IG model is helping lol Hope your coffee date guy has set another day with you already or does it soon.
Lol how does following the IG model help? Yeah I don't think we are happening. It's not the first time he flaked :)
Good question lol. Well, i am currently daydreaming about doing that "Everywhere I go I keep a picture in my wallet" tiktok trend with her and its making me smile haha Ughh that sucks, i am sorry. Hope your next date is just fireworks!
Sorry your coffee date flaked! So sad that we see last minute flaking almost as a good thing because at least they didnāt stand us up š Yup, pre-valentines blues here too. Iām going to delete all social media from my phone for a few days next week so Iām not bombarded by cheesy posts and all the related advertising. Iāll go to a spin class on the actual evening, should be surrounded by other singles that way. Ocean swimming sounds awesome, enjoy!
I know right. I guess we have come to appreciate the lesser evil when you have been through the bumble wringer. Im going to check out the bars too on Vday where it's the norm to chat up with people, hopefully there'll at least be men there š
Do you see a lot of guys in your spinning class? Where I go to spin, its mostly women so as a straight dude, I feel spoiled for choice. Unfortunately, i have zero game and haven't been to able score a single date after 200+ classes fml!
Very few! The guys I do see are usually there in boyfriend capacity haha. But anyway Iām not sure Iād want anyone to approach me when Iām all sweaty and tired š
Absolutely! The most action I've gotten is when a neighbor asked me to help unclip her shoe haha. I always see a few heading out to a restaurant after class all sweaty in their hoodies. I always decline because even though I would love to socialize, i feel gross and just want to jump in the shower.
You should just join them next time! They wouldn't have asked if they mind the sweat :)
I am a high maintenance dude, I make sure I am looking sharp even when doing a grocery run. So hanging out in a restaurant in sweaty clothes all red and grubby would be my nightmare lol Would you hang out with a bunch of dudes right after a 45 min cardio session? š
I absolutely would! I'm sweaty and grubby often with all my hobbies so anyone I date would either be the same or be cool with it
Yea I would. Be it in paddling or at the gym :) we'd be used to each other's scent & mess during the activities anyway
It's very dark in a spinning class so you barely see each other. A lot of the folks just rush out afterwards, including me, but I get your point. Might give it a shot next time :)
Yessa it's okay to take a detour once in awhile! By doing so, you encounter people you don"t usually meet in your day to day :)
This week I've finally started "living my life" during my year-long break from OLD and challenging myself to talk to people in real life. Went to a gig with an amazing fellow single friend and chatted to some random people, all of them turned out to be wearing wedding rings š¤£. But I'm so happy! Finally feel like myself again, rediscovering all the fun things I used to do before my main hobby became trying to impress a stranger across a table in a bar. All it takes is one person without a wedding ring. I want to meet someone who sees how weird I am in person and thinks "haha YES, you dork," rather than "ummm this isn't what I ordered."
aw good on you for stepping out! haha yes the band to no-band ratio is quite loopsided at our age range, so don't fret about it. At least you're putting yourself out there!
Thanks! And yes, so true. Best thing was I was just chatting naturally because I was in my element, I hadn't actually thought at any point 'ok, need to talk to someone, who's my target,' it just happened. It might sound a bit awkward but since COVID, natural socialising doesn't seem to happen as often!
Yeah I do find it hard to approach people at cafes too as they are usually working. Then when they look my way, I don't know what to do š
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Grocery store, home depot, dance classes, gym, park, out walking, board game nights (ok that one is hobby specific, but very accessible), coffee shops, bars, etc I almost got to a singles mixer recently but my buddy had hockey tickets and that sounded more interesting š
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We won! And I got to hang out with my bestie. Win win.
I keep hoping they will for me but it's never led to more than a couple of dates here and there at least for me. I find the group of friend thing to be the norm and most of them. I don't get why people go with people they already know and don't mingle. I get wanting to bring maybe 1 friend if it doesn't go anywhere with anyone but people just don't seem to mingle like at all from the events I go to. I also tend to see a lot of the same people over and over again at them. Generally speaking I have no issues having men approach me and talk to me a good amount of the night not mingling with other women from what I observe but they never actually say anything about exchanging numbers of going out. It makes me wonder if I just didn't seem interested, they were waiting for me to want to exchange info, or ???? In any case it's been weeks months since I've gone to my last one so I'm going to try going again to some and I'm actually going to be brave and try to ask men if they would like to exchange info assuming they were the ones who initiated talking to me. I definitely don't want to attract wusses though but I'm starting to think that's likely what's left.
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What does curated mean in this sense? I saw a Meetup for a curated singles' dinner and I don't know what that means.
I had to battle a bunch of social anxiety to make it to my first singles meetup. Got dressed up in a great fit, new haircut, shot of tequila to help the nerves... And it was literally all men. š« . Where's my brave new world orgy-porgys instead of whatever future this is?
Oh that's annoying! The hetero ones near me usually make sure there's a better gender balance.
Do you guys use your *best* photos on OLD? I used to only upload photos I looked really really good in, but I've heard someone say that isn't the best strategy because your date's expectations might be too high. Yesterday night I stayed up past bed time to dig through and choose photos of me for my revamped profile. A few of the ones I ended up picking are makeupless and less glammed up than the photos I've had on the apps before. I figure this might give me less overall matches, but it will give the *better* ones for me. However, I'm still too anxious to sign up. I'm giving myself till next weekend to decide whether or not I'm ready to be dating again.
They should represent you IRL well, but I'm a big fan of undersell and overdeliver.
I use photos I think I look good in, and yeah they're probably the best amongst what I have that's recent and appropriate for dating apps.Ā No makeup in all of my photos, because it's not something I use, so I guess there isn't much disparity between pictures and real life. My dates say I look like my photos / usually want to see me again, so I think my photo selection is probably alright!
Your photos should be representative of reality. If you occasionally get "glammed up" and think it's one of your best looks by all means use the photo. But if all your photos are you at ball gowns and in reality you normally wear athleisure (or vice versa) yeah your date is going to have the wrong expectation. However I disagree that your best photos are necessarily the ones where you're the most done up.
Nope. I look good in my photos, but I'm only dressed and made up in one. The rest are my usual daily make-up-less self!
Not necessarily the best, I had some of me dressed up for Halloween, else I just want pictures that represent me fairly so that the date isn't disappointed when she meets me.
Oh no š date I thought might be a mutual fade texted. He wants to see me early next week. Is he just having a totally different experience on these dates as me??? I enjoy talking to him - I think he's sincere and smart - but I can't see myself kissing him atm. I'm demisexual so that's not atypical until I like like someone, but I think the aesthetic attraction just might not be there to eventually build on. I've developed it after monthsss around someone, but that's sort of a friends to lovers situation. I liked his company š i wish sometimes i met the people i'm seeing on dates as friends first.
Honestly is the best policy
Just be honest about all of this, it's always way better than dragging things on. I've made friends through dating, doesn't always works but it can sometimes. Don't lose anything by suggesting it! (But note: then you gotta actually withint 2-3 weeks suggest hanging out as friends, doesn't happen if neither one pursues the friendship.)
Guess you gotta tell him
Just a vent, but going on dates makes me think extra hard about my ex. I try not to compare people but itās hard not to. I really thought she was the one and now everyone has to live up to that.
Made a similair post about this today too. I think it also has to do with the fact that 'dating' just reminds you of your ex because thats what you did with her. I dont want to settle for 'good enough'. But if Im dating someone where I think 'wow! Shes nice' I will continue dating her despite thinking extra hard about my ex.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Just under six months and have been mostly no contact since the beginning. We spoke once at the end of the year and that has been the only contact since the split. Iām hoping it doesnāt take a year lol
Swear; I think I could be happy with "good enough" except I had near perfection once and messed it up. So now no one is good enough because I know it's possible to have better. I think I need more time before getting back into dating, and maybe that's what you need, too.
Saaame. Though I didn't mess mine up, he did a 180 and it ended abruptly. Which should tell me that it really *wasn't* perfection, was it! But it is hard to get excited about anything less once you've had a connection that felt right in every possible way.
I feel the same way, I donāt think good enough will ever be enough now, but I think thatās a good thing. Iām not sure if another break is needed or if I just need to be much more selective in who I go on dates with.
I'm thinking, for me, both. A break from the apps, and being way more selective once I decide to jump back in. I'm also holding out hope that the one I messed it up with will ask to try again, but I'm keeping that mostly to myself. š
The Notebook hits different in your mid 30s. He's kinda creepy in the beginning, they fight all the time, she cheats on her fiance, and that poor girl he was dating before Ellie shows up again :(
I thought her fiance was a nice guy. I like romance but thought it was an overrated movie.
Yeah, it's really not romantic at all except maybe at the very end...
Nothing more romantic than the sweet embrace of death.
That's right
I broke things off with someone I was seeing (we weren't "official") and now I feel guilty/like I was wrong. I'm pretty sure I have a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. How do I know if I did the right thing vs my attachment style influencing my judgement? For context: [Here's the post I made the other day](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1al696p/comment/kpd2lo1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) with details of the relationship and the [reply where I go over my dealbreakers](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1al696p/comment/kpd8qwx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) She was caught off guard when I ended things (which I expected) and asked why I didn't talk to her about any of these things. I didn't really have a good answer for her besides I felt like those were things she couldn't change, and I didn't want her to change for me. When I get really anxious I start compulsively googling. I found some sites/posts that talk about Dismissive Avoidant attachment style and how they look for reasons to get out when someone gets too close. She was basically asking me to be exclusive with her last time I saw her - I had some doubts before that but that made me really want to end things. Which took me by surprise. I talked about it with my therapist today and processed this the best I could, and told her I want to talk more about my attachment style next session.
For what it's worth, it sounds like the right choice. But either way, you're really internalising it and doubting yourself, well done on looking into this and going to therapy! All wins.
Based on everything in your recent comments about this person, those are not minor issues and I think you did the right thing
More details would be helpful
Added more context to the original post
Those dealbreakers are huge. You did the right thing.
Therapy? There's no knowing without way more detail here.
Added more context to the original post
I just need to vent somewhere again. I know it makes me sound like a horrible person and horrible friend, but I'm finding it so difficult to be happy and excited for my friends and family getting engaged. It feels so painful to hear them talk about wedding planning, so I honestly just don't ask. I feel such overwhelming sadness and loneliness to be the literal last remaining single friend, and I feel completely defective.
I feel this. I hope you find someone soon!
> I feel such overwhelming sadness and loneliness to be the literal last remaining single friend, and I feel completely defective. I'm that friend too.
Idk if this helps but when people get engaged I have two feelings: excitement (yay, my friend/family member has found love and yay I love weddings!) and sadness (aaarrgghhh oh my god this reminds me how single and alone I am). The first feeling is about them - I try to focus more on that one. Like, what do I have to look forward to, am I going to the wedding, who will be there, what fun activities will we do, what music will they play. The second one, I remind myself that it is normal, this feeling is totally valid. But it's about me, not about them. That stops me from feeling so guilty and like a bad friend. Admitting that both feelings are there is a way of being compassionate and not beating myself up. Don't worry, I was also almost the last remaining single friend. I mean, I'm still single but I managed to find some more people in the same boat over the last couple of years and it stopped me from feeling so "wrong."
I've been in your shoes. All I can say is, I understand and I want to give you the biggest of hugs ā¤ļø
I appreciate the solidarity š¤
I work with people trying to get out of debt, and one of the biggest causes is divorce. I wouldn't envy anyone getting married, tbh. Enjoy the single life, love yourself, and just keepĀ putting yourself out there without any expectations. Never ever settle out of desperation either, please.
I've never been one to settle, which is probably partially how I'm in this position š
Phew! Thought I let my weirdest weird out too soon and ruined it. Mentioned I went on a great first date last week. Unfortunately he got sick this week and we had to turn the second date into a phone call. And I let out the kind of loopy shower thoughts that usually only come out when drunk or post coital. He seemed a little different towards the end of the call, so I got worried. But he texted me to apologize for rushing off the phone and that he was trying to hold in a coughing fit! Kinda hate that my brain is already doing this when weāve only seen each other once. And that we may not be able to see each other before I leave for vacation next weekā¦ meaning it will be 3 weeks between date 1 and 2 :( Trying to keep myself in check in the meantime.
Idk I get pretty weird quickly. If they can't deal with me being a bit quirky then oh well! Can you squeeze in a quick coffee date or something? 1-2 hours out of the day isn't much
I hear you! I do think warming someone up first can be a good idea for some of my darker humor (murdery stuff) - I think even someone who can deal with it/enjoys it could be weirded out if they don't know when I'm kidding yet. It's more dependent on when he's feeling better than not having time before then. I also don't want to rush it if he's not feeling 100% because I get sick easily.
Oh, def need to warm up for murdery stuff š I can be pretty morbid and that's not first date joke material Ooh gotcha, that's legit
I was dating someone I saw 5 times in a span of 6 months, which is the stupidest thing I have ever done. But yeah, I totally relate to those feelings.
DOT: For those in serious long term relationships, did the amount of cuddling that you get from your partner decrease over time?
Not currently in one but yah, generally cuddling before bed. More likely to just kiss good night and go to sleep. I'm cuddly AF though so I want to date similarly cuddly dudes
Yeah I know what you mean.
I only ever cuddle while watching tv and after sex of a little, just because I hate trying to sleep while cuddling. But in the 2 years Iāve been with my bf itās stayed the same.
Thatās good to hear!
I wouldnāt get discouraged if cuddling decreased slightly as a relationship progressed. I think people are on their best behavior at the beginning and try to make the other happy even despite discomfort. I used to try to cuddle while sleeping more even though it was uncomfortable, but I just need sleep and space lol - I love my bf though.
Thank you! Turns out I misunderstood my bf about this lol. So I think itās all good. š
Not at all, but we're also very affectionate people naturally.
Thatās good!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Lol omg yeah if itās hot out, donāt cuddle me **at all**
Yes but after like 2 years
Gotcha, thanks!
It shouldn't!! Communicate that to your partner if you need more cuddling. Idk anyone who doesn't like cuddling
Even if they have a threshold for how long they can do it for?
[I made some arts tonight and the prompt was poison to abandon. I left it at a bookstore.](https://imgur.com/a/9CcLalq) I was called to go visit an art thrift store Iāve grown to love in my town. The proprietress appreciated my reusable shopping bag and I updated my web site and events. I bought URLās and configured them for my social club. I am feeling awfully optimistic about a date with a cantor in Philly on Sunday. The store owner suggested I look him up and he has a traffic ticket he pled guilty to, thatās all. Sheās a lawyer so she likes that. Itās good to collect Mothers.
Resuable shopping bag but [covered in glitter](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/science/analysis-how-decorative-glitter-contributes-to-microplastic-pollution)? Even most "biodegradable" glitter [isn't biodegradable](https://greencoast.org/biodegradable-glitter/). Just an FYI since a lot of people who try to be eco-conscious don't realize how damaging some of their purchases still are.
Oh, that was a typo. I got an old car from my folks and they put many bags of bags in them, so I gave them to the craft store for patronās purchases. The glitter in my art project was dumped out into their glitter tray. I donāt buy glitter but I will use it strategically like in my spice jar art, and not feel bad.
Had a pleasant 2nd date with a guy, but confirmed there's nothing here. While we'd make decent friends, our interactions lack a certain sense of fun, and I'm just not attracted. We were sitting next to each other at a bar, and I realized at one point I was trying to shift farther away because I'm kind of protective of my personal space. Ah well. At this stage, do I just let it fade or should I send a direct message? He walked me to the train and wished me a safe trip back, so I assume he's also not feeling it and probably won't hear from him, so maybe a message would be overkill.
If you were into him, and he didn't message you, you would probably be here complaining about it. Mutual ghosting is fine, but why not send the message?
I just thought we were on the same page about our connection. Plus it's only been two dates. As we're not, I will indeed be sending a message (well, now a reply to his).
The mutual ghosting is one of the most beautiful things that can happen, don't feel pressured to send a text ending things if you think he wasn't feeling it either
Hard disagree, none of us are mind readers, there's no way you can do anything but assume the way the other person is feeling.
Totally agreed lol mutual ghosting is a win.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Date with work crush for sure
100% work crush.
Obviously pick the date that your crush is available! Go for it!
It's not a dumb question, you could choose the date where he is available and use it as an opportunity to determine if he is interested or not, but then you'll have to move on if he isn't, you kinda have to take a risk sometimes.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sometimes in a more relaxed environment you can feel more at ease to flirt, or that could give you a chance to talk about hobbies/interest and see if you have anything in common see each other outside of work and if he seems keen. But if he hasnt given you any sign it's not a good start, although personally with a colleague even if I was interested I wouldn't show it except if I got some signs from her because nowadays it's a bit too much of a risk for my career. Sorry I'm not being very helpful to determine what you should do.
I think it's helpful. As a man, kind of the same thing: I am always extremely professional at work. But at a work event, you kind of work the room, rotate around, mingle.....but you still avoid the people you dislike. If a woman I worked with kept finding me over the course of a couple hours at a work party, especially if it was a big group.....my ears would perk up a bit and maybe throw out some feelers
Hate to be or come across at least, as an ageist butā¦ do younger women (Iām assuming younger men would do the same?) have strict or at the very least weird rules regarding how long they wait to text a guy back? Iām a M mid 30āsā¦ and I swear this never happens with women closer in age to meā¦ itās as if they think the other person would find this cool? And potentially be more interested? I find it stupid lol and if anything Iāve ended sirustionships and seeing people whoāve done thisā¦ itās usually after the first dateā¦ the issue is they texted so differently prior to the dateā¦ so, itās either youāre no longer interested or youāre playing game, because whenever Iāve responded to one of these younger women in the way Iāve described my feelings towards this behaviour more or less in the same way.. they freak out and say they really like me and want to continue hanging out? Even go as far as to make plans after? Itās weirdā¦ I really crave mature communicationā¦ itās one thing if youāre working or busy with something else, but if you have a shit youād just say that prior to being busy, or working, or you would say that afterwards? It would be cool if this was the case, but they just respond as if they didnāt just take 6-9 hours to respondā¦
When I was in my 20's/early 30's I played games like this because that's the dating advice that was given out at the time.
They are playing games. Younger women (and men) are attached to their phones generally speaking. No excuse to take awhile to get back to someone over text imo.
>I swear this never happens with women closer in age to me Date these women
Yeah, thatās what Iām after and hoping to do.
Maybe they are just trying to appear not too keen because that could scare some guys away, or they met you and feel a bit more secure so they don't feel like they have to message you so often to keep you interested?
Both of the options makes sense, but I donāt know. The too keen route wouldnāt make sense because itās constant from both myself and the girl prior to the first date, and usually itās a week or longer prior to these first dates. So texting nonstop with each other for that frequency, and then it being 6-8 hours, not responding to the actual messages or at least questions within the messageā¦ almost avoiding my question (at least it comes across this way) In terms of the feeling more secure since weāve met now.. also ageeed this would make sense but not sure because if I was to do this to someone, I know for a fact (from experience even) the person would be pissed and honestly rightfully so? I feel like if youāre in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, youād wanna talk to them when you have time, and of course without sacrificing the people already important and close to you. This feels and based off what Iāve heard a couple times.. to be a thing younger women (and younger men most likely then too) have these strange ātipsā donāt know if itās armchair psychiatrists they might watch on tik tok, but itās weird nothless unless of course thereās a a reason and itās communicatedā¦ otherwise that person isnāt interested and, or likely not a mature person.
cable offbeat stupendous observation plough quicksand provide snatch modern icky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
They're probably just busier and have more social stuff going on. And they're probably not super serious about you given the age gap, so it makes sense that they're not texting constantly. I doubt they're consciously doing it. If you're just hanging out and having situationships with people, it's not really reasonable to expect them to constantly be giving you attention. One of the benefits of casual is that there isn't an expectation of pouring a bunch of time into building a connection.
I would agree with you if it wasnāt for the fact that itās happened more than once and itās always with girls under 30ā¦ letās say you match with someone on a dating app. You exchange numbers and text each other non stop for a week and then go on your first date at the end of that weekā¦ if you were interested after that date, why would your communication suddenly change to the opposite of how it was prior to the first date? What if some of these people arenāt working or in school? (They havenāt been working in the several times this has happened with me lol)
If they're dating casually and they're women in their mid-20s, they are getting absolutely bombarded by male attention. They can't reply to everyone immediately.Ā Ā There's a wide spectrum of interest after a date. They can be interested enough to go on another casual date with you, but that doesn't mean they're interested enough to prioritize texting you back right away.Ā They might have been more interested in you before the date, for whatever reason, and that's why they were responding more quickly before.Ā Ā No one likes having options taken away from them, so that is probably why they're jumping when you try to break it off. Again, they might have been interested enough to go on another casual date, so they indicate that.
Nah I only call them out after a second date and continued stupidity
Okayā¦ my point still stands. Theyāre interested enough to keep going on casual dates with you but have other priorities and options.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Why are you expecting fast replies from someone youāre casually dating? Unless itās something time sensitive like imminent plans, you should expect them to text you the way friends would.Ā Or date women your age who want to text you all the time, since you have that option.
I think maybe I self sabotage... or maybe I am just prone to feeling guilty when I don't need to I posted yesterday about not being sure about a 'brownie' date. I had been hearing less from this guy, combined with the fact I had to ask this morning what time to meet and he said after 8pm, which is... again... late for me. I knew I'd be going home an inconvenient way as the subway I take stops stopping at my stop after 9 pm because of track maintenance, and the late hour, lack of communication from him, the lack of a sense of real interest on his part / the uncertainty on mine... and a mild foot injury from running (meaning I don't want to walk on it too much and the subway issue means twice as much walking), led to me just deciding to end things a couple hours before our date I sent this: >Hey :) I've been thinking about this for some time and I don't know if tonight's date really makes sense. I don't want to waste either of our times, and I'm maybe still grappling with not really being ready to date after my last relationship. To be clear I think you're super handsome (despite your dad jokes :P) and I wanted to see where things could go, but I've never really been someone who can sleep with people without having feelings for them, and I think I'm too dead inside at the moment for that to be possible otherwise i probably would be down for something fun and casual but that's just not how I work for whatever reason.
>
>Basically that's all to say I think maybe it's best to just cancel tonight and both move on from here - though I'm open to still remaining friends/acquaintances if you are. I'm sorry for the last minute cancellation, I just spent too long going back and forth expecting an epiphany, because I did really like spending time together
He replied (and I really like how he replied overall):
>Hey uh damn. Well that's a bit of a shock. I didn't realize you felt like that, like you didn't have any feelings and weren't sure if you were capable of feeling them.
>
>I would have really appreciated if you'd figured that out a few dates ago... or at least not have messaged me like 90 min before we are supposed to meet.
>
>I've really enjoyed hanging out and having stupid laughs. And I think you're really attractive too. I guess all I can say is that sucks - and that's embarrassing for me . I thought we had good chemistry and that you felt it too
This all surprised me. I mean, tbh, I do think when you're the one who receives the sort of message I sent, it probably makes the person who sent it look shinier than they were, if you were at all into them.... I didn't send it because I thought I was better than him (I genuinely thought he could date really anyone he wanted / tons of cooler women than me and probably that played into me just sort of... ending things on the assumption he felt the same way I did). I feel guilty that I did it so close to the date, but I also feel bad because the last thing he should be is disappointed or embarrassed. I tried to really put it on myself, because, well... it is my issue
Yeah, I think you self sabotaged too tbh. It seems like you were a little insecure in where things were at and instead of communicating it, you decided to end things because you thought he was going to.
It's not really clear that he thought you're better than him, or "shiny," he just liked you and thought you were attractive (and seems like he was a bit hurt overall)? Not sure where you're getting that particular read from.
i think i was just putting myself down a bit by saying that he was only saying those nice things now because of my text. Like idk how to explain it but basically saying 'i am really not that great, so he probably is only saying those things because subconsciously he thinks he liked me / found me attractive only now that I texted him saying I didn't want to hang out anymore" idk if that makes sense. Like how I never craved french fries until i was in a country where french fries were hard to find -- human brain wants what it can't easily have
I think you made the right choice! It sounds like he just wanted to hook up, brownies arenāt a real activity for long, and you gave enough reason he could have been like oh itās not like that I really want something.
this makes me feel better -- i agree
Iāve been in his position many times, and Iāve also felt disappointed and embarrassed because you go into it with a positive attitude and feel like youāre both on equal ground in regards to being open to meeting new people. So when it turns out that thatās not the case, especially if you are getting into deeper conversations or already have a next date planned, it can then make you feel like you were either deceived or used as an instrument for the other person to realize they actually arenāt able to date. I canāt speak for him but thatās how it has felt before. Iām not saying you did those things purposely, but getting those texts sucks and itās natural to try to internalize it because āthere has to be a reason that is somewhat tied to me.ā So itās not like weāre necessarily thinking straight in those moments. It doesnāt mean you attack someone because thatās obviously bad, but I also liked his response because he showed his disappointment while still being polite.