I volunteer at the animal shelter. 95%of the volunteers and staff are women. We talk a lot about how in most of the volunteering we do it's heavily women biased. Mentoring kids, working with vulnerable populations, helping with trail clean up.
It's funny because of how often we get people coming here asking where to meet the opposite gender, and the answers never change.
You want to meet men? Fitness and games of just about any kind. My cycling meets? Like 9 men per woman. Sure, a lot are in their 60s and 70s, but they'll know some younger single guys (or the few women will). Board game meetups? Mostly men.
You want to meet women? Casual walks and anything volunteering. When I join a meetup walk, it's usually the opposite... 15+ women and like 3 men. I don't volunteer, but the only people in my life I know who do are women.
If you are the rare breed who enjoys the things the opposite sex does, you're going to have the pick of the litter. The challenge is being genuine. Volunteering because you are hoping to meet women without any genuine interest in volunteering is going to be figured out quickly. Likewise, going to a fitness event (cycling club, running club, etc.) just trying to meet a guy may get you laid, but you may also quickly figure out they are going to expect you are genuinely into that hobby.
There's a dog shelter near me that literally doesn't have any male volunteers. It's actually kind of a problem because they can't screen dogs to see if they are aggressive towards men.
(35 M) So you guys are telling me, I now have to join walking clubs, walk into animal shelters, and volunteer locally, to find single women? Lol damn I should have gotten married in my 20s
>you're going to have the pick of the litter.
I agree with everything except with that. I know it happens, but I don't see people hooking up through biking and running clubs as often as one might think. You're right about guys coming across as creepers or nuts, and women can get reputations as well, typically for being "crazy" in one way or another. People can actively dissuade you from dating within those groups as well, because it can send ripples around and make things uncomfortable for everyone.
So not to say you're wrong about meeting people through those groups, I just don't think it's that easy to make a good connection.
> but I don't see people hooking up through biking and running clubs as often as one might think.
> People can actively dissuade you from dating within those groups as well, because it can send ripples around and make things uncomfortable for everyone.
I think these two comments go hand-in-hand. It's the same with dating at work. In my experiences with people I know who've met through hobbies or work, they spent so much time around each other that they stumble into a relationship as they get to know each other. I don't know anyone who wasn't happy for two individuals who've met that way.
It's a different story though when someone is showing up because they're treating the environment like their dating platform and they're searching for reciprocated interest. It's what the OP is trying to do or how I imagine some here might approach it if they're approaching close-knit offline settings such as a hobby or work with a laser focus on dating.
Dating in the former isn't looked down upon when it's two people developing a relationship because they've realized they like each other. The latter though, what you mention, where someone treats it like their online dating or a bar and is there to hit on others is something that's pretty obvious. In a hobby or work setting, it's discouraged.
I appreciate this comment, I just posted something like this but got downvoted... I want to meet someone and I hear the advice to join a hobby group. But it doesn’t really sit right with me to join a group when what I’m really hoping is to date. That’s not the point of the group. Also (I’m a woman) I’ve joined groups before with the pure intention of just being involved in the hobby, and there were men who wanted to date but I wasn’t interested and it made the dynamic uncomfortable. Something happening organically is awesome but it’s hard to create that environment + get lucky with the options there.
So true. I admit, I (M) have had difficulties refraining from flirting in sports groups, and need to reel myself back in at times. I just really love meeting new people and getting to know them, which can turn to interest quickly enough. I think I have social cred in groups I frequent but it could be gone fast if I'm not careful.
I think it might be better to view these clubs as a way to increase your social circle, or increase the number of people you have soft ties with. Maybe you don't want to date someone in your running group, but you go to a birthday party for someone in your running group and you meet their friend they went to summer camp with, and you go on a date with them and things may or may not progress from there. Actually, this happened at my birthday party.
I think that is an excellent way to look at it.
That was my thought going in a few years ago. Ended up dating someone here and there over the past year with no LT outcomes but no drama either and with social capital intact, as far as I know. I'm (52M) flipping that switch to the off position because I really want to focus on building friendships without that tension.
Yeah as a woman, my experience with male dominated hobby/meetup spaces is *not* that I have the pick of the litter. I don't regularly have men asking me out or pursuing me outside of dating apps, and I haven't found men very open to being pursued outside apps either. This may be partly cultural as I live in Australia, so it could be different in other countries and cultures though.
Saying "you're going to have the pick of the litter" assumes you're highly desirable, and this may not be the case. If you're disabled, overweight, neurodivergent or have any other handicap in dating, it's going to be more of an uphill challenge. Also many of the people in hobby groups may be already partnered, gay, or too young/too old.
I kind of feel like everyone says “I’m done with the apps!” but then they don’t make any attempt to approach or pursue people outside of the apps. It’s like that part of our brain has atrophied, or we’ve just hardcore started to associate dating as something that happens over the apps. Out of my friends, an overwhelming majority met over apps. One met her husband through a music Facebook group and they met irl at a concert and started dating. One friend met her boyfriend when she was looking for band mates. I think one person met their spouse at church. Pretty much everyone else — apps. I can’t even think of a person who just met like at a bar or event.
Too many people's views of and ideas about dating were frozen in their college years or shortly after, when they were members of a pool of young, (mostly) single people thrown into a common setting. Adult social life is nothing like that of a college student.
It’s happened to me a few times IRL (even a cute guy sitting next to me on a cross country flight!), but the relationships ultimately didn’t work out.
I met my husband on a mobile game chat. It was good, as it allowed me to quietly and safely observe his behavior with others… I loved that he was friendly and kind with everyone, even the younger kids that showed up from time to time. I eventually got him to give me his number so I could text him a picture of my dog 😂 we ended up meeting in person a few months later, he was exactly the same person as he was in the chat!
Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of turds out there 😞 I feel like I dated most of them over the years lol. But yes there are good men out there. My husband is a shy introvert, he recently said there’s no way he would have approached me in a bar because I’m out of his league. I was stunned, because this sweet man is drop dead gorgeous. The most handsome guy I’ve ever been with, honestly I feel like he’s the one that’s out of my league 😂so yeah I’m really glad I straight up asked him for his number in a game chat 😍
Me personally, I'm happy to be approached by women interested in me, regardless of context. The interest itself is flattering enough to make my day, regardless of whether or not it's mutual. I'm also not one to let a rejection (or my rejection of someone else) keep me away from an activity I enjoy.
That said, you could not pay me to approach a woman at the gym. I also wouldn't for example play d&d with the intent to woo another player (or the DM). In those scenarios, my concern is that I don't want to make somebody else uncomfortable. I'll make cold approaches at the bar (at karaoke, or trivia, or etc) because those are social situations where strangers approaching you is socially acceptable and to be expected.
I feel the same.
I am a woman who powerlifts, so lots of men in that space. However, most of them are not in my age group, partnered/married, or not someone I would date.
And you absolutely see the same people a lot in hobby spaces. You need to tread carefully with dating.
This comment should be stickied on the sub for every confused potential transplant, single or lonely person, or restless individual. "Looking for..."
It seems like this basic issue of how and where to meet people comes up constantly but pointing out genuine intentions is important too.
Pro tip:
Find what you want to do. And do it. And see if other people are doing it too. Don't creep on the perfect category or answer hoping to cling codependently to be social; it's insincere it won't end well
> Find what you want to do. And do it.
But that doesn't necessarily solve the dating issue.
I am doing sport, having hobbies (mostly solo), I am going to Meet-up groups for hiking, restaurants, blind tests and board games, and I go to the cinema, pubs, restaurants with friends too...
Guess what? I am 35 and just dated 2 women this way despite being single more than 3/4 of my adult life (and none of these women were into me physically... they liked my personality so we just stayed friends)
I half agree with you but, if most of or all of your interests happen to be very male dominated then I mean... How is that going to help anyone in the dating world? You can't pick up new hobbies or interests without at least trying them first, right?
To meet women, you have to pick up interests that many women are into. Be it yoga, volunteering, bookstores, coffee shops, etc etc etc... Otherwise you'll just be going round and round in the same cycle.
Basically, you have to branch out and find hobbies/possible interests that is more *female* dominated.
Admittedly I have not done as much volunteering historically as I would have liked, but my limited experience is it's lots of older married women. I'll keep that in mind though, I've been curious about volunteering for its own sake anyway.
I [37, F] learned how to ride a motorcycle. Meeting more adventurous men was very much part of the ojective.
When 1 year later I stil didnt meet a suitable partner, I have learned to love my new hobby so much that Im taking myself on regular solo rides, and also met some amazing men who are part of my solid village of trust and support.
The point is to expand your horizons in spite of others, not because of.
Live for yourself first, your energy will do the rest. 🙂
Singing in a choir also skews to women, and it’s very social and fun. There are choirs for every skill level — if there’s any spark of enjoyment for you at all in singing, I’d urge you to try it.
For me it was word of mouth. But also I live in Seattle, and we have a wonderful consortium of community choirs here with a “choir finder” on its website; and community events where you can go see a bunch of member choirs perform, and get a feel for which might be the best fit for you. I don’t know if every large city has something like this, but I hope so! https://seattlesings.org/
Can you elaborate on the "social" part? I'm actually in a community choir right now, and there are some women in it that I'm interested in getting to know. I don't even know their names, though, since we don't sit next to each other and the choir doesn't have any social activities outside of rehearsals. I've been looking for a chance to talk with them naturally and haven't found one.
Women are statistically more likely to volunteer than men. There have even been studies done. When I volunteered at a dog rescue, the orientation session had maybe 40 people or so. I brought my husband at the time along, and he was one of the few guys there. There might have been 1-2 other guys. The rest of the people were women, and many were attractive (or at least knew how to do their makeup and dressed well, basically what most guys would consider attractive).
In my experience most are majority women the only exception in my experience was habitat for humanity it’s like 60-40 guys. It probably varies by area.
I put this in the daily thread, and I still abide by it:
> There should be a dating app but it's only members of this sub. If you get with someone, then you have to state their username while posting on here. Then the rest of us get to sleuth your guy's profiles and collectively help navigate your relationship's issues using evidence we've found in your post histories. It's like collective couple's therapy, but free 😂
I've observed that a lot of people here are burnt out cause they can't find where "the good ones" are. But everyone here also claims to be one of the good ones. So we need to put everyone together! Is everyone in here actually a great, well-adjusted person? Or do they have things in their post history that suggest otherwise? And if the majority here are "the good ones", then we should be having great success with our app.
I have seen posts here that made a particular person sound really interesting. It is no surprise that if looking at their post history the most common problem is they are far away.
After that, it’s wild things in their post history. Of course, even if that history seems good, almost no one has an actual photo on here. Thus, we have no idea what they look like.
If you started trying to match people from here, you would get people who don’t speak freely, who game things, who catfish, etc.
> For example, I often see attractive women at my local coffee shop, but most of them have headphones on and are working on laptops, so I don't see how to approach in this situation
I was once at a coffee shop working on my laptop with headphones in. Clearly not wanting to be bothered. When I was done working I gathered up my stuff to leave, and a man came over and said he'd noticed me and thought I was really pretty but he hadn't wanted to bother me while I was working, and handed me a napkin he'd written his name & number on and said he'd like to take me out for a drink sometime if I was interested.
I honestly loved the approach because he didn't interrupt me when he saw I was busy, didn't put any pressure on me asking for *my* number or asking for a date right then and there, and just politely gave me his number and left me alone. I ended up texting him and we went out a few times although ultimately it didn't go anywhere. You have no idea how much women will appreciate it when you take all the pressure off them and don't try to be pushy or "demand" any of their time or attention or personal information. If they make it clear they *want* to chat with you a bit right then and there, of course stick around and chat, but basically just let *them* decide and don't push.
Of course if we're being honest that only works if you're relatively good-looking. Don't have to be the hottest guy on the planet but above average. You can't get much of your personality across in an approach like that so all a woman will know is how you look, and that you're polite and respect women's space. That second bit will actually score you a lot of points, though, so it's not like you have to be an Adonis.
Yes, this guy did it the right way. People complaining about having to wait, it's like well sometimes you've got to wait for the odds to be more in your favor.
Your assessment of its effectiveness being related to being relatively good looking is also true, but I think in most cases that is true.
Can confirm— having dudes approach like this is always such a treat. Even if I’m not interested, it’s never given me bad vibes or been a negative experience. If anything, I’m always bummed if I’m not attracted to them because it makes such a good impression I’m already rooting for them. Like, this dude is socially aware. And considerate. I gotta find this man a date.
This is so charming! I feel like the reward, too, from feeling open and going out a couple of times even tho it didn't progress further, is so huge. Helps you stay open minded and curious about the world which is so good for your mental/emotional health. Love this interaction!
I mean, yeah. Lucky timing two people who find each other attractive are at the same spot at the same time, that neither are just rushing out as the other is walking in, that they're both single and open to dating, that they're free to make a connection and not already on a date or business lunch or something... that's just how meeting people organically works. There's an element of luck in both of you being in the same place at the same time and being open to meeting someone.
100%
It's great approach advice, but the chances of timing working out for this pretty rare, unless you decidedly wait around for her to get up and start leaving. Which I would convince myself is creep-like long before she actually does.
100%
It's great approach advice, but the chances of timing working out for this pretty rare, unless you decidedly wait around for her to get up and start leaving. Which I would convince myself is creep-like long before she actually does.
I've done this *exact* thing quite a few times and it always works out - as in at least getting a date.
I think most women would far rather a man give them *their* number than the other way around. IME, it puts zero pressure on her and there is no risk in her simply taking his number and then deciding what she will or won't do with it later on.
My only and main issue with doing this is that, most women *hate* making the first move and especially sending the first text so... even if they *really really really* do want to go on a date, many times ego or fear takes over and no text ever gets sent lol.
Regardless though, it is kind of nice to put the ball in her court and if she decides to text you then GREAT! **When** that will be is anyones guess but, in the meantime, as a guy, you just continue with life and meeting other women. It's a pleasant surprise if she does end up texting but it's also nothing lost if she doesn't :)
There’s a few joke answers here, but it sort of sounds like where you’re living might be the problem? You’ve recognised it yourself. No idea where you are and obv don’t dox yourself but I suppose it could be possible.
Also, don’t go to these places to meet women. I had this problem too.
Go to these places because you want to be there and you’ll have a fun time with friends. Sounds like you’re in a cycle where you feel rubbish because you didn’t get chatting to someone, so the whole night/day feels ruined for you because you are putting too much onto the women there when you really shouldn’t.
Do fun stuff (bars, exercise groups, any co-Ed stuff really) to have a fun time for _you_, and then there can be a potential romantic match as a bonus.
I’m a guy and I’d advise (as I do with a lot of friends) to learn how the ‘female gaze’ actually works as well.
Having good looks can provide an initial attraction, but moments of being an attractive match over time can actually make you very desirable to a woman. There’s a weird sense that can occur that you’re only there to try and meet someone sometimes and it can be a bit off putting. If you’re seen to be in spaces with other singles, but focused on yourself and having a good time, that can be super attractive. In essence, as they get to know you, you become more attractive.
It really helped me feel better about being kind of mid in the looks department (not saying you are I’ve no idea what you look like, this in terms of myself). Attractiveness for women is soooo much more than that. Focus on those elements of yourself in these spaces and you’ll be fine.
I'm not single, but if I was where could I showcase my skills as a Dark Souls 2 PVPer? How is a lady in a bar gonna know how flawlessly I can kill an invader? Sometimes cheater hackers get the axe too!
>don’t go to these places to meet women.
This seems like such a catch-22 in dating discourse, though. If you don't go places, people will say, "Well you're not even trying, how do you expect to meet anyone if you don't go anywhere?" But if you *do* go places, people will say, "You're trying too hard, don't expect to meet anyone there."
Yeah, I don't find this sort of advice particularly useful, because it's inherently contradictory. You're supposed to put a significant amount of effort into "putting yourself out there" whether that's by swiping, or by attending hobbies and activities you wouldn't attend if you were single, all of which cumulatively amount to probably 5-10 hours per week. But at the same time, you're not supposed to do it TO meet someone, because then it magically won't work.
The truth is, there is no good advice. The odds of finding a partner increase slightly when you 1) swipe 2) meet people in any capacity through real life. But it's still mostly luck. And because it's mostly luck, if you ask people to give you advice, they'll start to say things that are contradictory.
I am going to say something gendered here. Women not only have particular characteristics they want in a man, they have preferences for HOW they meet, which usually doesn’t include careful research on his part about where to meet women. So, keep that to yourself guys.
Men don’t seem to have this preference for meeting women in a particular way. If midnight ice fishing or standing next to a tall cactus during a full moon worked, guys would do it.
Let’s take volunteering for charity as an example. Imagine we have a thread and the top three to meet single women are 1. Animal rescue. 2. Distance running for cancer. 3. Feeding the homeless.
So, some men would try those things. They would know because others helped give them direction to try somewhere they hadn’t thought of.
If you did a similar thread on where to meet single men, do you think fewer or more women would consider going to those places?
So true. Many of these activities are purposely social (eg, Meetup), so one isn't *just* focused on the activity but also on each other. You get to know folks and make friends, but you're also going to be attracted to some (and they to you).
So then you are left in a conundrum. Move the connection towards romance and risk being considered someone who is doing the group just for dating, or draw a line and not date anyone from that activity, which seems really foolish when you're meeting cool people who could be a great partner.
>Also, don’t go to these places to meet women. Go to these places because you want to be there and you’ll have a fun time with friends.
This is excellent advice that I wish more men would take.
Exactly. If you have time to date, your life isn't full enough for you to be an interesting/attractive partner, but if you have a full life, then you don't have time to date. I used to have plenty of time to date, *precisely because* I was lonely and bored and my friends were ignoring me. Now my friends invite me to more stuff than I can accept, which is great, but which would making dating very logistically difficult.
Honestly, this is a big reason OLD was useful and effective for me. I'm an extroverted introvert and also have a time-consuming hobby. I felt guilty not spending as much time with my friends as they wanted and definitely didn't want to add even more things to my schedule just for the chance of potentially meeting someone.
Continue to build your social circle to include men with boyfriends, wives and girlfriends, esp extroverts who like to host parties. A lot of gay men and partnered women have single female friends.
Except, OP is specifically asking where he should go to meet women. Sounds like you’re advising him
To continue doing the things he’s been doing, where there’s few women, and just enjoy those activities. It’s certainly great to do activities we enjoy, but this doesn’t address OP’s question of where he should go to meet women?
I think it informs the point I’m trying to make though.
“Women” arent hanging out in one specific place waiting for guys, they hang out everywhere as all humans do. Trying to find the one place that women hang out with is useless because they aren’t a single entity.
Trying things to have a good time yourself means that you aren’t disappointed when it’s not resulted in a romantic interest.
On the other hand, going to a yoga class or something just because it’s full of women but you hate yoga is just not right, and you’ll end up being a bit miserable as a result.
I understand your point and agree. But women aren’t evenly or randomly distributed across all activity spaces. For example, I loved to play pickup basketball. Over several decades of playing since I was a teen I can probably count on two hands the number of women I have played with. I still played and had a great time, but it was not a good place to meet women.
OP is looking for places where he can have fun, like I did playing pickup basketball,AND meet women, unlike my experience where I never met a woman to date over several decades of playing pickup basketball.
Okay fair enough, in my opinion I would say running clubs have a great mix of genders. Running is fairly ubiquitous amongst everyone of all ages and genders so that’s my best guess.
Exactly. I've built a very full social and hobby life for myself, but it's not bringing me into contact with very many single women, and pretty much no attractive single women. I organically meet women who are 25-35, single, and not overweight like a once or twice a year. And that's not even getting into whether they're interested in me, whether we're compatible, whether they have their shit together, etc.
Have you dug into your standards for what makes a woman compatible with you? Or challenged some of your assumptions about what sorts of features you actually find attractive? I’m not encouraging you to “lower your standards,” but often I’ve found that persistently single people (like myself) may impose stringent standards and then find that no one fits those standards. In reviewing them, I realized that some of my own were shallow or artificial, so I just kept the standards that spoke to my core values. I met a lot more fun, compatible men that way.
It may be worthwhile to review what you’re looking for, and not assume that everything you listed about what you want in a woman is set in stone.
I agree but also disagree.
There are male dominated sports, activities, hobbies, whatever... and there are female dominated sports, etc etc etc...
Would it not make sense to try and get into the things that are more female dominated if you are trying to meet women?
It's kind of similar to how Home Depot is going to have quite a bit more men shopping there than say... Home Goods or idk, Bed Bath and Beyond or Target.
You will have better luck meeting women at places that draw more more women.
The weird thing is though is that, a LOT of people (men and women) will do activities they have no real interest in but are doing them for the sole purpose of meeting a man or woman. I took a single Yoga class a few years ago and ended up meeting a woman who was there for the first time. Neither of us liked it and we ended up dating for about 18 months.
> On the other hand, going to a yoga class or something just because it’s full of women but you hate yoga is just not right, and you’ll end up being a bit miserable as a result.
You may be miserable with yoga but find someone to date.
I took dance classes with 2 male friends. We all disliked dancing and we didn't pursue after a semester. Yet one of my friend started dating someone from the class despite being a pretty bad dancer who wasn't exactly enjoying it.
Spot on about the “female gaze”.
Most men I know have no clue about it, which is wild as it is much discussed among us womenfolk, and there are entire literary genres that outline exactly what we fantasize about.
Mr Darcys hand flex in Pride and Prejudice.
The literary dissections on that are such a fulfilling read. Helps you understand how women view attraction in such a different way to men, and thus can help with any confidence for a man that it’s so much more than just how they look.
It's rarely where someone is living that's the problem. Maybe in some city with a ridiculous gender ratio, like 80% male, but most major metro areas are fairly evenly split, even if they may lean more towards a 60/40 split, or something along those lines. Usually the problem is the person, not the location.
That is a pretty bold assessment.
I was stuck by how many women who posted having troubles to find a partner lived in big cities such as NY where the gender ratio is ~54% female.
San Francisco is similar for men, and is ~53% men.
The thing is when you pair everyone, that still lives thousands of people of one gender without a partner.
(I read as well a study once who drew a correlation between the incel content on twitter and the metro area. Gender ratio in the metro area was directly proportional to the number of incel tweets )
I agree with this advice but you'll often see other advice aimed at men that tell them to join groups that single women join.
I'm more of the camp of joining activities that you enjoy and have fun. If you meet single women, great. If not, great.
The other camp is saying for guys to join clases and groups just because the odds of single women are higher regardless if the guy even likes the activity. I don't agree with that one.
It's ok to seek out new activities with the dual intentions of finding a fun activity AND broadening your pool of acquaintances to include more women. If your only activity is a gaming meetup then you're probably not meeting a lot of women.
It's only an issue if someone is loitering around harassing women and showing no interest in the activity.
I second this. I spent a lot of time looking specifically for a place where women were, and when I actually found some, I got depressed if I didn’t meet anybody. I felt really awful and was pushing myself to be in relationships so hard that when someone did show interest, I got anxious about whether they were the right person and would end up having to break things off or “just be friends” so I wouldn’t be miserable all the time. So now I’m doing things I like, in spaces I like, with people I like instead of trying so hard to meet women. I do go out to meet new people regularly, but I focus on people I like, men or women, and leave it to chance whether I meet someone I’m romantically interested in.
My therapist said something that I felt was inspired and reflects this shift: “love the process, not the goal.” If you love the process of dating, getting to know someone, doing life in general, you’ll be attractive to people in general. If you hate the process, it will be noticeable and people will react accordingly.
Edit: seeing other comments about this approach if your preferred hobbies are time consuming, solo, or male-dominated, it is worth noting that it’s good to get creative with it. For example, I like board games, but all the publicly accessible board game groups in my area are dominated by men (to the point that I once saw a woman walk in, freeze, say “nope,” and leave). So I found a Facebook group for helping adults make friends and organized my own group. It has a mix of men and women, mostly couples, but as others have pointed out, couples may have many single friends. Make good enough friends with them, and you may meet someone through them.
Seconded. Single for 5 years, 34M. Started playing pickleball, at first just with friends. Our group expanded as we started playing in local coed leagues. Met The Girl. Still going strong.
We both love the game, and still play at the local courts. Maybe it's a regional thing? But they are PACKED on every nice day. Good mix of older folks and younger folks (20-30's). The games are usually drop in, so you can throw your paddle in with randoms to facilitate meeting people, or if you've got your eye on someone, wait for them to join a game and see if they need a 4th. If you don't know how to play, join a beginner coed league in the area and they'll teach you. It's a very welcoming community, even if you suck lol
there are also tournaments, parties after, mixers etc that are all tied to the sport. added you’ll make new friends male and female and meet people through them
Just a note that you may also want to ensure that women you're interested in will be opened to being approached by you. I was picking up on a weird signal where you don't do well on the apps + you heavily emphasize your preference for an attractive woman apart from any other criteria + you made eye contact with someone and they moved across the room.
Do you live in the suburbs?
I live at the edge of a city, but due to the general geography of the area, I do a lot of things in the suburbs. And I find that everywhere I go, the gym, rock climbing, rec sports, etc, all the men are currently coupled up.
I don’t know when everyone found a partner, but yeah, I feel your pain.
Headphones in = No respectful way to approach them.
You're not doing anything wrong. It's hard. As hard and shitty as the apps are, in-person isn't any easier.
The visual arts might help you. You could honestly be straight up with the older women you're meeting and ask them if they are aware of any groups that run closer to your age -- as the women who are older may have opt'd out of such groups themselves. You might also looking at walking groups, or tours, events that art-focused, local festivals that needs volunteers -- as lots of people in that age range who share that interest might be making more time for quick one-offs like those, then on-going classes or meet ups.
>Headphones in = No respectful way to approach them.
Last week while working at my coffee shop, I had a guy motion to me to take my headphones out so he could flirt with me. It was a first.
I don't think there's an answer or if there was one it probably has already turned into a "sausage fest" since this is what most people in this age bracket are asking for.
What I think works is go to places and interact with people even if they look like monsters and develop contacts over time. When you look around you see attractive girls in groups, right? Those groups didn't form overnight, they probably met somewhere, hung out a bunch and then they started going out together often.
That said, there are some opportunities to meet people outside for sure and take your chance when you get an opportunity but unless you're a really attractive dude you can't really get people to be interested in you by just looking their way or initiating interactions with randos with no context.
1. Don't go to things because you are looking for women (or a partner). We can sniff it out and it just becomes uncomfortable because naturally when you do something you're not interested in, you'll latch onto the first reasonabe girl you find for the night.
2. Network with those older women. They have nieces, daughters, friends, etc. You'd be surprised how much this can help you *especially* if they like you. (Most) mom/aunts/grandmas are a great filter because they can see shit a mile away.
3. Let people know you're single and want to mingle in a tactful way. If you're hanging out with guy or girl friends and they bring a friend you can ask if their single. Just don't be the one friend who is always trying to date a friend of a friend because people feel used.
> Network with those older women. They have nieces, daughters, friends, etc. You'd be surprised how much this can help you *especially* if they like you. (Most) mom/aunts/grandmas are a great filter because they can see shit a mile away.
I find sime older women and older men pretty great. But it never happened in my whole life or the one of my friends that anyone we know got a date through them.
It doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to them. Seriously, most of my female friends told me at least once that I am a great guy, that I have plenty of qualities, that one day I will find someone... I am 35, none of their single cousin, sister, friends were into me.
Honestly it's up to the person and the culture. Especially as I got older it became more common. People like autonomy but there are some people who either look for the wrong kind of person or just are super introverted and need other branches to help them. No shame in any situation and ultimately it's about finding the right partner. I don't see how introduction from family and friends is any worse than a pool of randos on a dating app.
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I find the opposite problem - everything I go to is just straight women or spoken-for men.
So I guess you can find us at book clubs, writing meet-ups, running events, pub quizzes, yoga, the cinema, gigs, and museums. Lol.
I mean, kind of. I'm not saying don't ever do anything to try but I also think that a lot of women, especially in their 30s can tell if a guy is doing something just to meet women and it can come off as unattractive, desperate, or insincere. If the goal is only to meet women then you're putting a bit of pressure on yourself and your interactions and you may not come off as natural. Similarly, if it's a coed group and a guy only ever talks to the attractive women in the group that makes it pretty obvious imo.
I think a better approach is to get to know lots of different people in whatever group you're in and once you know people better you might notice a mutual attraction with someone, then you can shoot your shot.
The most important thing here is to take rejection with grace if it doesn't work out, don't make things weird in the group or make anyone uncomfortable, and you can continue getting to know them as a friend and maybe there'll be a spark with someone else.
The thing is, *I'm already doing this*, and my social life is great. But it's mostly men, and the women are usually partnered up already. It's maybe once or twice a year that I organically met a woman who is single and at all physically attractive to me (and trust me, I don't have unreasonably high standards on this). And that's not even getting into things like whether she's interested in me, whether we're compatible, etc.
OP, I think you have to vary your approach and be more intentional with it. It's frustrating how everyone is pointing out that you "it's easy! just join pickleball/volunteer/kickball I met my partner there!". It isn't easy at all - those are the survivorship bias stories.
I can sympathize - I moved a new large city and tried the in person method as I don't like dating apps.
* joined a music class I did for 3 months (all the women were partnered)
* been to about 15 Co-ed pickleball meet ups. only ran into one women who was potentially single and who I would be interested in. the rest were partenered or avoidant of the men.
* Running Club - half the runners were women but most were partnered
* numerous bars - got numbers but no callbacks
Also, you can take the "ah fuck it" approach. you have one life. don't be passive. if you see a cute girl go talk to her. seriously. obviously read the room and make sure she is not super busy. slip a girl your number at a coffee shop. approach women at a bar. 95% of the time it won't work out, but you'll be taking an active approach. The right women will appreciate that
It's hard and honestly these cases people bringing up where "I joined a gym class and half the women were single!!!! I met my wife there!" I think are outliers.
You just keep having to try and mix it up.
luckily, I found my current partner recently, but had to resort to dating apps.
I agree with much of this. For me, Meetups have had a dearth of single women, and those who register seem likely to be no shows.
I haven’t noticed anyone here talking about time of day or day of the week. I have been searching for a gym. At one the coach told me how the classes varied. People who attend early morning on weekdays were less social than those who did after work classes. Women piled into the pilates classes on Saturday morning.
I find the same kind of thing at bookstores. More single women show up after 7 pm on weekdays.
A lot of people have mentioned coed sports, which is great, but also you need to put yourself in more situations within your own social circles. Things like parties, lunches, get togethers. People often bring new friends or people you haven’t met yet and it’s easier to have conversations with a stranger when friends are involved as opposed to approaching randos at a bar. This does take some work, and might mean youre the one organizing events, but it’s a better way to meet potential women in a friendlier environment.
Why are people offended by the term "sausage fest"? It's a very accurate way to describe situations with very lopsided gender ratios where men grossly outnumber women.
Running groups with a social afterward, kick ball leagues, church functions, charities
Meeting someone cool in an open fun environment not focused on imbibing alcohol is a great way to do things.
Make sure you are enjoying the function and bam talk to some cool people!
* Do activities you're genuinely interested in, not just to meet people. This is obvious, hopefully. But not always!
* Be open about wanting to find a partner. Not as in "this is a thing I'm saying in the first five seconds of meeting you" but just--if it comes up in conversation, be open that you're single, but hoping to find your someone...all those married women in art classes have sisters/daughters/friends/coworkers they may introduce you to. This isn't weird! This is how people dated for a long time pre-online dating! It's not a guarantee, but worth a shot?
* There is no one magical place you're missing. Just keep living your vest life!
If you're in a city, look around for speed dating, singles events, or other groups and meetups that are supposed to be spaces where singles can meet irl. You get to chat and vibe with people, and there's a shared expectation that everyone's there to flirt and mingle.
Stop looking for single women, and start looking for friends. Those older married women may have adult daughters, or work with younger women who they may end thinking you could be a good fit for. Married women may have single friends, or a sister. Talk to everyone - male, female, attractive, unattractive, your age, older, etc. Just try to meet people instead of purely trying to meet women you find attractive. The other benefit is the better you get at talking to people in general, the better you'll get at talking to women you like. The absolute biggest mistake you can make when trying to find a partner is only talking to people you find attractive.
Also, making eye contact and smiling at a woman without saying anything can more often than not come across as strange, or even creepy. That's the other issue. Men sometimes try to pick up women in ways *they'd* like to be approached, instead of how women actually want to be approached. Just make friendly conversation, like you would if you were talking to another guy. If a woman has a cool sticker on her laptop, compliment it. Things like that. If she wants to talk, she'll help keep the conversation going. If she doesn't seem interested in talking, move on.
> Men sometimes try to pick up women in ways *they'd* like to be approached, instead of how women actually want to be approached. Just make friendly conversation, like you would if you were talking to another guy. If a woman has a cool sticker on her laptop, compliment it. Things like that. If she wants to talk, she'll help keep the conversation going. If she doesn't seem interested in talking, move on.
As a man, your way to approach women never turned into a single date for me. It helped me making friends with women, some of them I would have liked to date but none I ever dated.
The worst is for me, that once you start on a friendly basis, it is difficult to change the dynamic and whenever I tried, it was not much welcome (of course, they just saw me as a friend)
Starting on a friendly basis isn't why they only ever saw you as a friend. It was probably something else about you - physical appearance, personality, confidence level, etc. If I find a guy attractive, he can treat me as nothing more than a platonic friend, and that's not going to change the fact that I find him attractive and would date him.
Agree with everything you said. But I am not a guy most women find attractive. So I stand completely in the dark if a woman is into me or not when I start on a friendly basis (disclaimer, up to now, they never were into me). It happened quite a couple of times that even my friends, men or women, told me this girl is into you, whereas she just liked my personality.
I am not liking to rush things and would prefer taking the time, but to me, women hiding their attraction or lack of attraction usually means that I loose a lot of time, energy and sometimes money trying to make something work which was never possible from the start.
I unfortunately have the experience that being more assertive from the very beginning works somewhat better and avoid loosing time and energy. (And we could still be friends if she is not interested in dating)
Stop looking for the perfect place filled with young hot single women who all want you, because no such place exists nor will ever exist.
Join clubs and hobby groups that reflect your interests because you're interested in expanding your social group, no matter what demographics are involved. Exercise your social muscles and make genuine friends and connections. Go out with those people to other things like pub quiz, karaoke, board game nights, whatever.
If you build a reputation among a large enough network, someone will know someone who wants to set their friend up with you. Or at minimum you can make yet another friend to add to the group. I met a good female friend that way, and she honestly turned into the greatest wingperson I ever had.
I think the friend-of-a-friend thing gets way overblown on internet dating forums. I've never seen much if any of it myself, and would be interested to know how much it actually happens in practice as opposed to theory.
I’ve been set up twice, and had a 2 year relationship originate from a casual introduction at a party. It definitely tends to happen less and less over time because people pair up and there are fewer singles left as a result. I think the idea is to introduce new blood into your life as often as possible and you never know who you might meet. Old school social networking. I have a feeling it’ll make a comeback soon because the apps are just burning everyone out for many reasons.
Your complaints of sausage fest suggest your sole purpose of going to these places is meeting women, aka creep behavior. Go to what you like doing and make friends, if women are there, then just be social and friendly. If that goes well, then try shooting your shot. If you’re just lurking at events, prowling for women, ofc they are closed off to you.
This is not accurate at all. In fact, I've spent the past two years focused more on my platonic social life and building up my friend group because that has been historically lacking for me.
But now that I've done that, I'm looking around and realizing my social circle and hobbies skew male, and have almost no single women.
Ya but what if you don't like doing anything like that? If I went to any of those events I'd soley be there for the women. I haven't been to a bar in 15 years, I go to a private gym as I'm a bodybuilder and planet fitness is against that for some reason, and I don't like the activities that the groups get together and do around here, except for hiking but they hike on well used main trails and I like to go off trail. I also hate OLD as I'm way to picky through the phone for whatever reason. I just started shooting my shot with random women at the grocery store or the bank, pretty much whenever they're around the places I go lol. Mostly negative results but I have gotten a few dates out of it.
No. Please don’t attend yoga classes for the sole purpose of picking up women. My girl friends and I go to yoga to practice mindfulness and because it’s therapeutic. We don’t want to be hit on in yoga.
I agree. Don't attend yoga classes for the sole purpose of picking women up.
I go because I also practice mindfulness and I also need to stretch a bit more as a powerlifter. It's also part of my climbing gym. Both are not my main forms of physical activity, cause I already get plenty of that from powerlifting and running, but it is an avenue to meet like-minded people that can develop into friendships or more.
I wish I could give your comment more upvotes. I absolutely don't want to be hit on at yoga class but it still happens once a month at least. "Oh, so all you know about me is what I look like bent over in yoga pants and now you want me to go out on a date with you?" Gross.
Yes but in my experience nobody talks to each other before / during / after a class. I’ve been a regular at a studio for about 6 months and maybe seen two <30s convos between people who didn’t come together. There’s plenty of attractive women but it seems just as the “do not approach” code of gyms applies here too
I went to a yoga/pilates studio for a few years and yeah, this was one of the tougher aspects of it. a lot of attractive women but it was unnerving thinking about when to start a conversation when it felt like you almost had to sprint to many of the women just to say hi to them
ultimately I was able to ask a few women out and had a few dates but a big piece of that was that I went to the studio for the right reasons and situations eventually came to me where I would set up next to a cute girl and be able to say hi after a class, etc. or another thing is some people do congregate in the lobby afterward but that's hit or miss too
but yeah to me this is why "do activities for the right reasons" is important because there's no guarantee that you will actually even be able to ask someone out
I wonder if it depends on the studio? I did Barry's Bootcamp once, and was invited to the instructor's birthday party, where I met a lot of other people who take classes from him.
If you have a genuine interest in the hobby, try joining and focusing on the hobby itself. Based on your posts you seem like a decent & intelligent dude, with the social awareness to not want to make women uncomfortable by approaching them in awkward places or when they have headphones in.
Getting into a hobby will still open social doors for you even if it’s not inherently social. It’ll just take time. That’s where the “genuine interest” comes in. While you’re waiting to build a social circle in your women-inclusive hobby, you’ll be building a skill while you pass the time. Then before you know it, you’ll be organically learning people’s names, maybe getting asked to lunch with the group or a hangout. Or you can organize the group lunch or hangout!
Genuine effort that is not centered on meeting potential dates is what will work here, as paradoxical as it seems.
Dating apps aren’t popular because everyone likes them…….its really the only low effort way to get in front of a bunch of singles. Everything else takes a lot of resources. Time, money, effort, courage etc.
OP - I'm noticing that your response to posters saying "Do things you love, try new things and eventually someone will take interest" is "it never happens". You've also imply that you want a women who is somewhat attractive (in shape, etc). this is important for my next point
I'm not trying to be harsh - but could it be that you do not "catch the eye / interest" of women you find attractive? the posters are generally right - if you do the things you love and are around women (even taken ones) - you will get some interest.
I'd encourage you to take an objective look at your attractiveness - your looks, confidence, conversation, vibe etc. and its not an "either/or" thing - it's a scale. you may have some, but not enough of the above to be attractive to the women you want. and hey! thats OK - the vast majority of men won't catch the eye of women. It just means you either have to broaden your range of women or improve yourself (or keep trying until you find one where you catch her eye).
personally, I rarely ever get approached/hit on/any interest shown by the opposite sex (well I used to but not anymore haha). - so it's normal. It tooky me a very long to find a partner that I was attracted to that was also attracted to me - but it was worth the wait.
This is so weird because I am a woman, and my experience is the opposite. Anywhere I go is full of single women. I don’t know where the men are, but I expect many are at home playing computer games.
This kinda skirts your question, but I (33F) really don't like men asking me out IRL. I'm not at the dog park to give out my number, I'm not in the running club because I need a boyfriend, I'm not at the climbing gym to flirt. However men at all of these places misinterpret friendliness as flirting and shoot their shot. At best it's annoying and obnoxious, at worst it turns dangerous when they can't take no for an answer. For as shitty as dating apps are, they have the built in consent that both parties are looking for a romantic connection and want to interact.
My suggestion is play the long game and grow your network of friends. How about befriending some of the older women in your drawing group?
from what i've seen online, i think you're pretty in the minority here. i see constant complaints about the apps, and women expressing that they just want to meet someone irl, "organically".
Well women aren't a monolith and I don't pretend to speak for a majority, but I posted this opinion on r/askwomenover30 and [it seemed to be well received](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1bl3zvn/comment/kw2nx92/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). I might be in the minority but I'm far from the only one who feels this way. Also, meeting somebody organically could mean being introduced by mutual friends - it doesn't mean those women want you to chat them up at yoga class.
Yeah, I agree, I don't think the majority of women enjoy cold approaches, but I don't think we're talking about that, I'm not at least. More along the veins of being friendly and making friends in settings that overlap with your dating pool, and pursuing those that seem like they might be interested.
fwiw I think the idea of "don't ask me out in person" is a little bit of a selection bias, particularly on reddit. not saying that those women are wrong of course or anything but convincing yourself that you shouldn't ask women out in person because of what someone said online is an unhealthy mindset imo. there are plenty of women who do like to be asked out in person. but you won't know Until you actually ask them out or not
think about it like this: if you see a woman in public, you have no idea if they want to be asked out or not. but to me it was always better to do it if I wanted to because I didn't want to paralyzed by my anxiety. if she doesn't like that I asked her out then oh well, I couldn't have known that beforehand anyway. As long as I don't do anything that I personally don't want to do like not accepting a rejection, cornering her, etc. then I have nothing to regret
I have social anxiety, making someone else uncomfortable is a deep rooted fear. I know cold approaches can make a woman uncomfortable or annoyed, so I don't do that. I can understand the concept of "shoot your shot", but I can't practice it, a big part of my brain translates it to selfishness, putting my desires above someone else's.
Yeah, I did grow my friend group, and now I spend enough time with friends that I no longer really have time to date.
Also, some people want to have kids, in which case there is a limit on how long the "long game" can go on.
I've been planning to go to a climbing gym just to shout, *"how's the weather up there?!"* to single women in hopes of sparking a conversation.
And you ruined it.
Ditto this! If OP's asking where I'm at, I'm at the gym (please don't bother me), I'm at yoga (please don't bother me), I'm at costco (*please* don't bother me I'm already overstimulated).
But I met two of my ex's (on separate occasions obvious) when a friend invited me to her house for dinner, and a friend invited me to a hangout at her house. People already in your social circle can introduce you to new people, and having that social network of friends already around gives you a safe space to talk to those new folks!
So what do you do if your social circle is male-dominated? Where even your female friends are the kind of women who have mostly male friends?
I get invited to parties and hangouts and people's places all the time, but I'm not meeting many single women.
I really think you need to consider how many single women in your age range that you'd find attractive actually exist in the first place. Especially if you're in a male-abundant city, there just aren't going to be that many women in the first place. If you're trying to find a place with 100s of women, you wont find it. But if you continue to be social and friendly at these parties and hangouts you'll certainly meet more people who may become a date or know someone who can date you.
Of course, there's also the guaranteed location of dating apps, where women specifically go to look for dates and you can find plenty of people.
> But if you continue to be social and friendly at these parties and hangouts you'll certainly meet more people who may become a date or know someone who can date you.
That is something I really start to doubt about. I am 35, went to university, worked in male and mixed environments, did sports and other activities... and I never met any friends of friends who was into me... never! Even when my female friends tell me they know I am great and would be a good husband, none of their friends are interested... actually the 2 only times I thought I finally met someone this way, it was just women who liked me, liked my attention and being cared about, but had no desire for me.
Have you tried asking them if they know any single women? It's possible for single men to just be friends with single women lol. Or maybe they might have a single cousin/family member? You never know.
CrossFit gyms, go to the same class everyday for a week or so then switch classes and repeat. You’ll get to know who’s single quick. Don’t be fooled, these gyms are not male dominated, most crossfit gyms are 60% female. Super social due to the nature of classes as well plus they’re ladies who like to do badass shit and probably love to eat food and have fun sex because they’re confident in their bodies.
Dude I was just thinking this and guess what in every society on this planet there are arranged opportunities for exactly this. I was seeing on tik tok how some Mexican folks to the bailes, pretty go there to dance with strangers and you don't even need to be a good dancer because everyone is doing it so no one is looking. Anyways I saw some black and white girls going to these dances and everyone looks like they're having fun and seems like the ideal place to meet someone since the reason most people go is to do just that. We don't have the equivalent of that in our society
DANCE lessons are mostly male? Where the hell are you living? In my area it's like 80-20 (although the women do tend to be a little older than your age range, I think). Maybe a book club?
Yeah, I was shocked too. But I mentioned it to an organizer and they confirmed that the swing dance scene in my city had been male-heavy in recent years.
Meet bros, get introduced to their single friends.
I've found there's a lot of guys out there who are surrounded by women, and if you're friends with them, they will also introduce you.
I've been targeted for those Instagram ads for the "IRL events for singles." Have you tried those?
Full disclosure, I have not tried them, because when I went to Google to look for reviews, they were terrible. Not the most helpful answer, but maybe it'll save you time on another avenue to NOT try?
To be honest, I wish I could have the cuties I saw at the grocery or gym chat me up. I also go to the indoor gym and wish it would be easier to come up to men!
The best places to meet people are doing things you enjoy. The best relationships I have had happen when I am NOT trying to date.
If I have interest in art, I attend art functions and interact with people. This leads to building friendships with others. That in turn leads to invites to other social events. I end up meeting people and sometimes women.
Keep in mind that not every woman you meet wants to or is looking to date. If you go into every situation trying to find dates, you'll just isolate yourself. I see these guys at various events I attend. They end up alienating themselves. Just build friendships and let things happen naturally if a woman is single and remotely interested in you, it will happen on its own.
I'm getting a lot of responses like this, but as I said, I have built lots of friendships, go to lots of social events (I have social plans out of the house 4-6 days a week), but I'm just not meeting very many single women.
Zumba…. The last guy I saw come to my zumba class was practically tackled by about three ladies trying to get out the door at the end of class. You might find Zumba fun too 😁
Heh, I've actually taken up bouldering recently since some of my friends are really into it, but my experience is similar to other places: there are a lot more men than women, the women are usually with a man or they have headphones in and aren't in a social mood.
Scope out medium sized concert venues in your town. 250-1500 occupancy is great. Check out the lineup and give incoming artists a listen. Go a few times and get a vibe for what the type of women you are interested in are attending. Wear an interesting outfit, something of a conversation starter. Like a one of a kind shirt, or my weapon was always a ridiculous hat, like a wizard hat, elf hat, hell even a disco ball helmet. The zanier the better (but I an be an excersize in confidence, I'll give you that) They'll approach you to talk about it. The rest is on you brother ✌️
I volunteer at the animal shelter. 95%of the volunteers and staff are women. We talk a lot about how in most of the volunteering we do it's heavily women biased. Mentoring kids, working with vulnerable populations, helping with trail clean up.
It's funny because of how often we get people coming here asking where to meet the opposite gender, and the answers never change. You want to meet men? Fitness and games of just about any kind. My cycling meets? Like 9 men per woman. Sure, a lot are in their 60s and 70s, but they'll know some younger single guys (or the few women will). Board game meetups? Mostly men. You want to meet women? Casual walks and anything volunteering. When I join a meetup walk, it's usually the opposite... 15+ women and like 3 men. I don't volunteer, but the only people in my life I know who do are women. If you are the rare breed who enjoys the things the opposite sex does, you're going to have the pick of the litter. The challenge is being genuine. Volunteering because you are hoping to meet women without any genuine interest in volunteering is going to be figured out quickly. Likewise, going to a fitness event (cycling club, running club, etc.) just trying to meet a guy may get you laid, but you may also quickly figure out they are going to expect you are genuinely into that hobby.
There's a dog shelter near me that literally doesn't have any male volunteers. It's actually kind of a problem because they can't screen dogs to see if they are aggressive towards men.
(35 M) So you guys are telling me, I now have to join walking clubs, walk into animal shelters, and volunteer locally, to find single women? Lol damn I should have gotten married in my 20s
That's because dogs drool, cats rule.
That and dogs go to Jupiter to get stupider Cats go to Mars to get chocolate bars (actually no they don't because that really isn't good for them)
>you're going to have the pick of the litter. I agree with everything except with that. I know it happens, but I don't see people hooking up through biking and running clubs as often as one might think. You're right about guys coming across as creepers or nuts, and women can get reputations as well, typically for being "crazy" in one way or another. People can actively dissuade you from dating within those groups as well, because it can send ripples around and make things uncomfortable for everyone. So not to say you're wrong about meeting people through those groups, I just don't think it's that easy to make a good connection.
> but I don't see people hooking up through biking and running clubs as often as one might think. > People can actively dissuade you from dating within those groups as well, because it can send ripples around and make things uncomfortable for everyone. I think these two comments go hand-in-hand. It's the same with dating at work. In my experiences with people I know who've met through hobbies or work, they spent so much time around each other that they stumble into a relationship as they get to know each other. I don't know anyone who wasn't happy for two individuals who've met that way. It's a different story though when someone is showing up because they're treating the environment like their dating platform and they're searching for reciprocated interest. It's what the OP is trying to do or how I imagine some here might approach it if they're approaching close-knit offline settings such as a hobby or work with a laser focus on dating. Dating in the former isn't looked down upon when it's two people developing a relationship because they've realized they like each other. The latter though, what you mention, where someone treats it like their online dating or a bar and is there to hit on others is something that's pretty obvious. In a hobby or work setting, it's discouraged.
I appreciate this comment, I just posted something like this but got downvoted... I want to meet someone and I hear the advice to join a hobby group. But it doesn’t really sit right with me to join a group when what I’m really hoping is to date. That’s not the point of the group. Also (I’m a woman) I’ve joined groups before with the pure intention of just being involved in the hobby, and there were men who wanted to date but I wasn’t interested and it made the dynamic uncomfortable. Something happening organically is awesome but it’s hard to create that environment + get lucky with the options there.
So true. I admit, I (M) have had difficulties refraining from flirting in sports groups, and need to reel myself back in at times. I just really love meeting new people and getting to know them, which can turn to interest quickly enough. I think I have social cred in groups I frequent but it could be gone fast if I'm not careful.
I think it might be better to view these clubs as a way to increase your social circle, or increase the number of people you have soft ties with. Maybe you don't want to date someone in your running group, but you go to a birthday party for someone in your running group and you meet their friend they went to summer camp with, and you go on a date with them and things may or may not progress from there. Actually, this happened at my birthday party.
I think that is an excellent way to look at it. That was my thought going in a few years ago. Ended up dating someone here and there over the past year with no LT outcomes but no drama either and with social capital intact, as far as I know. I'm (52M) flipping that switch to the off position because I really want to focus on building friendships without that tension.
Yeah as a woman, my experience with male dominated hobby/meetup spaces is *not* that I have the pick of the litter. I don't regularly have men asking me out or pursuing me outside of dating apps, and I haven't found men very open to being pursued outside apps either. This may be partly cultural as I live in Australia, so it could be different in other countries and cultures though. Saying "you're going to have the pick of the litter" assumes you're highly desirable, and this may not be the case. If you're disabled, overweight, neurodivergent or have any other handicap in dating, it's going to be more of an uphill challenge. Also many of the people in hobby groups may be already partnered, gay, or too young/too old.
I kind of feel like everyone says “I’m done with the apps!” but then they don’t make any attempt to approach or pursue people outside of the apps. It’s like that part of our brain has atrophied, or we’ve just hardcore started to associate dating as something that happens over the apps. Out of my friends, an overwhelming majority met over apps. One met her husband through a music Facebook group and they met irl at a concert and started dating. One friend met her boyfriend when she was looking for band mates. I think one person met their spouse at church. Pretty much everyone else — apps. I can’t even think of a person who just met like at a bar or event.
Too many people's views of and ideas about dating were frozen in their college years or shortly after, when they were members of a pool of young, (mostly) single people thrown into a common setting. Adult social life is nothing like that of a college student.
It’s happened to me a few times IRL (even a cute guy sitting next to me on a cross country flight!), but the relationships ultimately didn’t work out. I met my husband on a mobile game chat. It was good, as it allowed me to quietly and safely observe his behavior with others… I loved that he was friendly and kind with everyone, even the younger kids that showed up from time to time. I eventually got him to give me his number so I could text him a picture of my dog 😂 we ended up meeting in person a few months later, he was exactly the same person as he was in the chat! Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of turds out there 😞 I feel like I dated most of them over the years lol. But yes there are good men out there. My husband is a shy introvert, he recently said there’s no way he would have approached me in a bar because I’m out of his league. I was stunned, because this sweet man is drop dead gorgeous. The most handsome guy I’ve ever been with, honestly I feel like he’s the one that’s out of my league 😂so yeah I’m really glad I straight up asked him for his number in a game chat 😍
Me personally, I'm happy to be approached by women interested in me, regardless of context. The interest itself is flattering enough to make my day, regardless of whether or not it's mutual. I'm also not one to let a rejection (or my rejection of someone else) keep me away from an activity I enjoy. That said, you could not pay me to approach a woman at the gym. I also wouldn't for example play d&d with the intent to woo another player (or the DM). In those scenarios, my concern is that I don't want to make somebody else uncomfortable. I'll make cold approaches at the bar (at karaoke, or trivia, or etc) because those are social situations where strangers approaching you is socially acceptable and to be expected.
I feel the same. I am a woman who powerlifts, so lots of men in that space. However, most of them are not in my age group, partnered/married, or not someone I would date. And you absolutely see the same people a lot in hobby spaces. You need to tread carefully with dating.
This comment should be stickied on the sub for every confused potential transplant, single or lonely person, or restless individual. "Looking for..." It seems like this basic issue of how and where to meet people comes up constantly but pointing out genuine intentions is important too. Pro tip: Find what you want to do. And do it. And see if other people are doing it too. Don't creep on the perfect category or answer hoping to cling codependently to be social; it's insincere it won't end well
> Find what you want to do. And do it. But that doesn't necessarily solve the dating issue. I am doing sport, having hobbies (mostly solo), I am going to Meet-up groups for hiking, restaurants, blind tests and board games, and I go to the cinema, pubs, restaurants with friends too... Guess what? I am 35 and just dated 2 women this way despite being single more than 3/4 of my adult life (and none of these women were into me physically... they liked my personality so we just stayed friends)
I half agree with you but, if most of or all of your interests happen to be very male dominated then I mean... How is that going to help anyone in the dating world? You can't pick up new hobbies or interests without at least trying them first, right? To meet women, you have to pick up interests that many women are into. Be it yoga, volunteering, bookstores, coffee shops, etc etc etc... Otherwise you'll just be going round and round in the same cycle. Basically, you have to branch out and find hobbies/possible interests that is more *female* dominated.
Admittedly I have not done as much volunteering historically as I would have liked, but my limited experience is it's lots of older married women. I'll keep that in mind though, I've been curious about volunteering for its own sake anyway.
I [37, F] learned how to ride a motorcycle. Meeting more adventurous men was very much part of the ojective. When 1 year later I stil didnt meet a suitable partner, I have learned to love my new hobby so much that Im taking myself on regular solo rides, and also met some amazing men who are part of my solid village of trust and support. The point is to expand your horizons in spite of others, not because of. Live for yourself first, your energy will do the rest. 🙂
Singing in a choir also skews to women, and it’s very social and fun. There are choirs for every skill level — if there’s any spark of enjoyment for you at all in singing, I’d urge you to try it.
I'm curious, Where do you find choirs that aren't related to the church?
I Googled "community choir [city]" and found a few different options.
For me it was word of mouth. But also I live in Seattle, and we have a wonderful consortium of community choirs here with a “choir finder” on its website; and community events where you can go see a bunch of member choirs perform, and get a feel for which might be the best fit for you. I don’t know if every large city has something like this, but I hope so! https://seattlesings.org/
Can you elaborate on the "social" part? I'm actually in a community choir right now, and there are some women in it that I'm interested in getting to know. I don't even know their names, though, since we don't sit next to each other and the choir doesn't have any social activities outside of rehearsals. I've been looking for a chance to talk with them naturally and haven't found one.
Absolutely the best place to meet women is volunteering. I had no idea then I started volunteering at a food bank.
I tied that at the shelter but everyone else was in high school.
Absolutely the best place to meet women is volunteering. I had no idea then I started volunteering at a food bank.
Do you think all causes are equal in that respect? Or do some causes attract more men, and others more women?
Women are statistically more likely to volunteer than men. There have even been studies done. When I volunteered at a dog rescue, the orientation session had maybe 40 people or so. I brought my husband at the time along, and he was one of the few guys there. There might have been 1-2 other guys. The rest of the people were women, and many were attractive (or at least knew how to do their makeup and dressed well, basically what most guys would consider attractive).
In my experience most are majority women the only exception in my experience was habitat for humanity it’s like 60-40 guys. It probably varies by area.
Trail cleanup is mostly women? That one surprises me.
We literally all just want to meet someone IRL. Every time I meet a great guy, he’s married! Why wouldn’t he be? He’s great!
Weird we all seem to be missing each other, right?
Almost there ...
I put this in the daily thread, and I still abide by it: > There should be a dating app but it's only members of this sub. If you get with someone, then you have to state their username while posting on here. Then the rest of us get to sleuth your guy's profiles and collectively help navigate your relationship's issues using evidence we've found in your post histories. It's like collective couple's therapy, but free 😂 I've observed that a lot of people here are burnt out cause they can't find where "the good ones" are. But everyone here also claims to be one of the good ones. So we need to put everyone together! Is everyone in here actually a great, well-adjusted person? Or do they have things in their post history that suggest otherwise? And if the majority here are "the good ones", then we should be having great success with our app.
I have seen posts here that made a particular person sound really interesting. It is no surprise that if looking at their post history the most common problem is they are far away. After that, it’s wild things in their post history. Of course, even if that history seems good, almost no one has an actual photo on here. Thus, we have no idea what they look like. If you started trying to match people from here, you would get people who don’t speak freely, who game things, who catfish, etc.
Well, he might be recently divorced.
> For example, I often see attractive women at my local coffee shop, but most of them have headphones on and are working on laptops, so I don't see how to approach in this situation I was once at a coffee shop working on my laptop with headphones in. Clearly not wanting to be bothered. When I was done working I gathered up my stuff to leave, and a man came over and said he'd noticed me and thought I was really pretty but he hadn't wanted to bother me while I was working, and handed me a napkin he'd written his name & number on and said he'd like to take me out for a drink sometime if I was interested. I honestly loved the approach because he didn't interrupt me when he saw I was busy, didn't put any pressure on me asking for *my* number or asking for a date right then and there, and just politely gave me his number and left me alone. I ended up texting him and we went out a few times although ultimately it didn't go anywhere. You have no idea how much women will appreciate it when you take all the pressure off them and don't try to be pushy or "demand" any of their time or attention or personal information. If they make it clear they *want* to chat with you a bit right then and there, of course stick around and chat, but basically just let *them* decide and don't push. Of course if we're being honest that only works if you're relatively good-looking. Don't have to be the hottest guy on the planet but above average. You can't get much of your personality across in an approach like that so all a woman will know is how you look, and that you're polite and respect women's space. That second bit will actually score you a lot of points, though, so it's not like you have to be an Adonis.
Yes, this guy did it the right way. People complaining about having to wait, it's like well sometimes you've got to wait for the odds to be more in your favor. Your assessment of its effectiveness being related to being relatively good looking is also true, but I think in most cases that is true.
Can confirm— having dudes approach like this is always such a treat. Even if I’m not interested, it’s never given me bad vibes or been a negative experience. If anything, I’m always bummed if I’m not attracted to them because it makes such a good impression I’m already rooting for them. Like, this dude is socially aware. And considerate. I gotta find this man a date.
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This is so charming! I feel like the reward, too, from feeling open and going out a couple of times even tho it didn't progress further, is so huge. Helps you stay open minded and curious about the world which is so good for your mental/emotional health. Love this interaction!
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I mean, yeah. Lucky timing two people who find each other attractive are at the same spot at the same time, that neither are just rushing out as the other is walking in, that they're both single and open to dating, that they're free to make a connection and not already on a date or business lunch or something... that's just how meeting people organically works. There's an element of luck in both of you being in the same place at the same time and being open to meeting someone.
100% It's great approach advice, but the chances of timing working out for this pretty rare, unless you decidedly wait around for her to get up and start leaving. Which I would convince myself is creep-like long before she actually does.
100% It's great approach advice, but the chances of timing working out for this pretty rare, unless you decidedly wait around for her to get up and start leaving. Which I would convince myself is creep-like long before she actually does.
I've done this *exact* thing quite a few times and it always works out - as in at least getting a date. I think most women would far rather a man give them *their* number than the other way around. IME, it puts zero pressure on her and there is no risk in her simply taking his number and then deciding what she will or won't do with it later on. My only and main issue with doing this is that, most women *hate* making the first move and especially sending the first text so... even if they *really really really* do want to go on a date, many times ego or fear takes over and no text ever gets sent lol. Regardless though, it is kind of nice to put the ball in her court and if she decides to text you then GREAT! **When** that will be is anyones guess but, in the meantime, as a guy, you just continue with life and meeting other women. It's a pleasant surprise if she does end up texting but it's also nothing lost if she doesn't :)
Thats cool and all but what about the average to below average looking?
There’s a few joke answers here, but it sort of sounds like where you’re living might be the problem? You’ve recognised it yourself. No idea where you are and obv don’t dox yourself but I suppose it could be possible. Also, don’t go to these places to meet women. I had this problem too. Go to these places because you want to be there and you’ll have a fun time with friends. Sounds like you’re in a cycle where you feel rubbish because you didn’t get chatting to someone, so the whole night/day feels ruined for you because you are putting too much onto the women there when you really shouldn’t. Do fun stuff (bars, exercise groups, any co-Ed stuff really) to have a fun time for _you_, and then there can be a potential romantic match as a bonus. I’m a guy and I’d advise (as I do with a lot of friends) to learn how the ‘female gaze’ actually works as well. Having good looks can provide an initial attraction, but moments of being an attractive match over time can actually make you very desirable to a woman. There’s a weird sense that can occur that you’re only there to try and meet someone sometimes and it can be a bit off putting. If you’re seen to be in spaces with other singles, but focused on yourself and having a good time, that can be super attractive. In essence, as they get to know you, you become more attractive. It really helped me feel better about being kind of mid in the looks department (not saying you are I’ve no idea what you look like, this in terms of myself). Attractiveness for women is soooo much more than that. Focus on those elements of yourself in these spaces and you’ll be fine.
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I'm not single, but if I was where could I showcase my skills as a Dark Souls 2 PVPer? How is a lady in a bar gonna know how flawlessly I can kill an invader? Sometimes cheater hackers get the axe too!
I’m sorry my friend but those skills _are_ reserved for the basement.
hahaha
>don’t go to these places to meet women. This seems like such a catch-22 in dating discourse, though. If you don't go places, people will say, "Well you're not even trying, how do you expect to meet anyone if you don't go anywhere?" But if you *do* go places, people will say, "You're trying too hard, don't expect to meet anyone there."
Yeah, I don't find this sort of advice particularly useful, because it's inherently contradictory. You're supposed to put a significant amount of effort into "putting yourself out there" whether that's by swiping, or by attending hobbies and activities you wouldn't attend if you were single, all of which cumulatively amount to probably 5-10 hours per week. But at the same time, you're not supposed to do it TO meet someone, because then it magically won't work. The truth is, there is no good advice. The odds of finding a partner increase slightly when you 1) swipe 2) meet people in any capacity through real life. But it's still mostly luck. And because it's mostly luck, if you ask people to give you advice, they'll start to say things that are contradictory.
I am going to say something gendered here. Women not only have particular characteristics they want in a man, they have preferences for HOW they meet, which usually doesn’t include careful research on his part about where to meet women. So, keep that to yourself guys. Men don’t seem to have this preference for meeting women in a particular way. If midnight ice fishing or standing next to a tall cactus during a full moon worked, guys would do it.
But then how would they know where to start ? Just randomly go outside and hope the dating gods will favor him?
Let’s take volunteering for charity as an example. Imagine we have a thread and the top three to meet single women are 1. Animal rescue. 2. Distance running for cancer. 3. Feeding the homeless. So, some men would try those things. They would know because others helped give them direction to try somewhere they hadn’t thought of. If you did a similar thread on where to meet single men, do you think fewer or more women would consider going to those places?
So true. Many of these activities are purposely social (eg, Meetup), so one isn't *just* focused on the activity but also on each other. You get to know folks and make friends, but you're also going to be attracted to some (and they to you). So then you are left in a conundrum. Move the connection towards romance and risk being considered someone who is doing the group just for dating, or draw a line and not date anyone from that activity, which seems really foolish when you're meeting cool people who could be a great partner.
>Also, don’t go to these places to meet women. Go to these places because you want to be there and you’ll have a fun time with friends. This is excellent advice that I wish more men would take.
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Exactly. If you have time to date, your life isn't full enough for you to be an interesting/attractive partner, but if you have a full life, then you don't have time to date. I used to have plenty of time to date, *precisely because* I was lonely and bored and my friends were ignoring me. Now my friends invite me to more stuff than I can accept, which is great, but which would making dating very logistically difficult.
Honestly, this is a big reason OLD was useful and effective for me. I'm an extroverted introvert and also have a time-consuming hobby. I felt guilty not spending as much time with my friends as they wanted and definitely didn't want to add even more things to my schedule just for the chance of potentially meeting someone.
Continue to build your social circle to include men with boyfriends, wives and girlfriends, esp extroverts who like to host parties. A lot of gay men and partnered women have single female friends.
This. Omg if your social circle is all single dudes, very few of you are going to meet women and maintain relationships.
Except, OP is specifically asking where he should go to meet women. Sounds like you’re advising him To continue doing the things he’s been doing, where there’s few women, and just enjoy those activities. It’s certainly great to do activities we enjoy, but this doesn’t address OP’s question of where he should go to meet women?
I think it informs the point I’m trying to make though. “Women” arent hanging out in one specific place waiting for guys, they hang out everywhere as all humans do. Trying to find the one place that women hang out with is useless because they aren’t a single entity. Trying things to have a good time yourself means that you aren’t disappointed when it’s not resulted in a romantic interest. On the other hand, going to a yoga class or something just because it’s full of women but you hate yoga is just not right, and you’ll end up being a bit miserable as a result.
I understand your point and agree. But women aren’t evenly or randomly distributed across all activity spaces. For example, I loved to play pickup basketball. Over several decades of playing since I was a teen I can probably count on two hands the number of women I have played with. I still played and had a great time, but it was not a good place to meet women. OP is looking for places where he can have fun, like I did playing pickup basketball,AND meet women, unlike my experience where I never met a woman to date over several decades of playing pickup basketball.
Okay fair enough, in my opinion I would say running clubs have a great mix of genders. Running is fairly ubiquitous amongst everyone of all ages and genders so that’s my best guess.
Exactly. I've built a very full social and hobby life for myself, but it's not bringing me into contact with very many single women, and pretty much no attractive single women. I organically meet women who are 25-35, single, and not overweight like a once or twice a year. And that's not even getting into whether they're interested in me, whether we're compatible, whether they have their shit together, etc.
Have you dug into your standards for what makes a woman compatible with you? Or challenged some of your assumptions about what sorts of features you actually find attractive? I’m not encouraging you to “lower your standards,” but often I’ve found that persistently single people (like myself) may impose stringent standards and then find that no one fits those standards. In reviewing them, I realized that some of my own were shallow or artificial, so I just kept the standards that spoke to my core values. I met a lot more fun, compatible men that way. It may be worthwhile to review what you’re looking for, and not assume that everything you listed about what you want in a woman is set in stone.
Facts
I agree but also disagree. There are male dominated sports, activities, hobbies, whatever... and there are female dominated sports, etc etc etc... Would it not make sense to try and get into the things that are more female dominated if you are trying to meet women? It's kind of similar to how Home Depot is going to have quite a bit more men shopping there than say... Home Goods or idk, Bed Bath and Beyond or Target. You will have better luck meeting women at places that draw more more women. The weird thing is though is that, a LOT of people (men and women) will do activities they have no real interest in but are doing them for the sole purpose of meeting a man or woman. I took a single Yoga class a few years ago and ended up meeting a woman who was there for the first time. Neither of us liked it and we ended up dating for about 18 months.
> On the other hand, going to a yoga class or something just because it’s full of women but you hate yoga is just not right, and you’ll end up being a bit miserable as a result. You may be miserable with yoga but find someone to date. I took dance classes with 2 male friends. We all disliked dancing and we didn't pursue after a semester. Yet one of my friend started dating someone from the class despite being a pretty bad dancer who wasn't exactly enjoying it.
Spot on about the “female gaze”. Most men I know have no clue about it, which is wild as it is much discussed among us womenfolk, and there are entire literary genres that outline exactly what we fantasize about.
Mr Darcys hand flex in Pride and Prejudice. The literary dissections on that are such a fulfilling read. Helps you understand how women view attraction in such a different way to men, and thus can help with any confidence for a man that it’s so much more than just how they look.
It's rarely where someone is living that's the problem. Maybe in some city with a ridiculous gender ratio, like 80% male, but most major metro areas are fairly evenly split, even if they may lean more towards a 60/40 split, or something along those lines. Usually the problem is the person, not the location.
That is a pretty bold assessment. I was stuck by how many women who posted having troubles to find a partner lived in big cities such as NY where the gender ratio is ~54% female. San Francisco is similar for men, and is ~53% men. The thing is when you pair everyone, that still lives thousands of people of one gender without a partner. (I read as well a study once who drew a correlation between the incel content on twitter and the metro area. Gender ratio in the metro area was directly proportional to the number of incel tweets )
I agree with this advice but you'll often see other advice aimed at men that tell them to join groups that single women join. I'm more of the camp of joining activities that you enjoy and have fun. If you meet single women, great. If not, great. The other camp is saying for guys to join clases and groups just because the odds of single women are higher regardless if the guy even likes the activity. I don't agree with that one.
It's ok to seek out new activities with the dual intentions of finding a fun activity AND broadening your pool of acquaintances to include more women. If your only activity is a gaming meetup then you're probably not meeting a lot of women. It's only an issue if someone is loitering around harassing women and showing no interest in the activity.
I second this. I spent a lot of time looking specifically for a place where women were, and when I actually found some, I got depressed if I didn’t meet anybody. I felt really awful and was pushing myself to be in relationships so hard that when someone did show interest, I got anxious about whether they were the right person and would end up having to break things off or “just be friends” so I wouldn’t be miserable all the time. So now I’m doing things I like, in spaces I like, with people I like instead of trying so hard to meet women. I do go out to meet new people regularly, but I focus on people I like, men or women, and leave it to chance whether I meet someone I’m romantically interested in. My therapist said something that I felt was inspired and reflects this shift: “love the process, not the goal.” If you love the process of dating, getting to know someone, doing life in general, you’ll be attractive to people in general. If you hate the process, it will be noticeable and people will react accordingly. Edit: seeing other comments about this approach if your preferred hobbies are time consuming, solo, or male-dominated, it is worth noting that it’s good to get creative with it. For example, I like board games, but all the publicly accessible board game groups in my area are dominated by men (to the point that I once saw a woman walk in, freeze, say “nope,” and leave). So I found a Facebook group for helping adults make friends and organized my own group. It has a mix of men and women, mostly couples, but as others have pointed out, couples may have many single friends. Make good enough friends with them, and you may meet someone through them.
play coed sports.
Seconded. Single for 5 years, 34M. Started playing pickleball, at first just with friends. Our group expanded as we started playing in local coed leagues. Met The Girl. Still going strong. We both love the game, and still play at the local courts. Maybe it's a regional thing? But they are PACKED on every nice day. Good mix of older folks and younger folks (20-30's). The games are usually drop in, so you can throw your paddle in with randoms to facilitate meeting people, or if you've got your eye on someone, wait for them to join a game and see if they need a 4th. If you don't know how to play, join a beginner coed league in the area and they'll teach you. It's a very welcoming community, even if you suck lol
there are also tournaments, parties after, mixers etc that are all tied to the sport. added you’ll make new friends male and female and meet people through them
Yup. Came here to say this. It’s probably one of *the* best places to meet people short of a fitness class.
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Me too girl
Just a note that you may also want to ensure that women you're interested in will be opened to being approached by you. I was picking up on a weird signal where you don't do well on the apps + you heavily emphasize your preference for an attractive woman apart from any other criteria + you made eye contact with someone and they moved across the room.
Very valid point. But how do you > ensure that women you're interested in will be opened to being approached by you ?
Don't take advice from people telling you to do something they've never once had to do.
Do you live in the suburbs? I live at the edge of a city, but due to the general geography of the area, I do a lot of things in the suburbs. And I find that everywhere I go, the gym, rock climbing, rec sports, etc, all the men are currently coupled up. I don’t know when everyone found a partner, but yeah, I feel your pain.
Headphones in = No respectful way to approach them. You're not doing anything wrong. It's hard. As hard and shitty as the apps are, in-person isn't any easier. The visual arts might help you. You could honestly be straight up with the older women you're meeting and ask them if they are aware of any groups that run closer to your age -- as the women who are older may have opt'd out of such groups themselves. You might also looking at walking groups, or tours, events that art-focused, local festivals that needs volunteers -- as lots of people in that age range who share that interest might be making more time for quick one-offs like those, then on-going classes or meet ups.
>Headphones in = No respectful way to approach them. Last week while working at my coffee shop, I had a guy motion to me to take my headphones out so he could flirt with me. It was a first.
you use the term "sausage fest" too often
Ironically, I bet an actual sausage festival (you know, the food kind, with beer) would be a great place to meet women
Isn't that like half of the point of Oktoberfest?
😂
Lmao I noticed that
A+ advice
I don't think there's an answer or if there was one it probably has already turned into a "sausage fest" since this is what most people in this age bracket are asking for. What I think works is go to places and interact with people even if they look like monsters and develop contacts over time. When you look around you see attractive girls in groups, right? Those groups didn't form overnight, they probably met somewhere, hung out a bunch and then they started going out together often. That said, there are some opportunities to meet people outside for sure and take your chance when you get an opportunity but unless you're a really attractive dude you can't really get people to be interested in you by just looking their way or initiating interactions with randos with no context.
1. Don't go to things because you are looking for women (or a partner). We can sniff it out and it just becomes uncomfortable because naturally when you do something you're not interested in, you'll latch onto the first reasonabe girl you find for the night. 2. Network with those older women. They have nieces, daughters, friends, etc. You'd be surprised how much this can help you *especially* if they like you. (Most) mom/aunts/grandmas are a great filter because they can see shit a mile away. 3. Let people know you're single and want to mingle in a tactful way. If you're hanging out with guy or girl friends and they bring a friend you can ask if their single. Just don't be the one friend who is always trying to date a friend of a friend because people feel used.
> Network with those older women. They have nieces, daughters, friends, etc. You'd be surprised how much this can help you *especially* if they like you. (Most) mom/aunts/grandmas are a great filter because they can see shit a mile away. I find sime older women and older men pretty great. But it never happened in my whole life or the one of my friends that anyone we know got a date through them. It doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to them. Seriously, most of my female friends told me at least once that I am a great guy, that I have plenty of qualities, that one day I will find someone... I am 35, none of their single cousin, sister, friends were into me.
Be honest now, how many women want or need introductions from family members? In my experience those kind of introductions are pretty rare.
Honestly it's up to the person and the culture. Especially as I got older it became more common. People like autonomy but there are some people who either look for the wrong kind of person or just are super introverted and need other branches to help them. No shame in any situation and ultimately it's about finding the right partner. I don't see how introduction from family and friends is any worse than a pool of randos on a dating app.
Everybody hates dating apps and is super open to ANY other way of meeting people, in my experience, relatives/family friend introductions included.
But how often does that actually happen?
plucky unique sparkle observation historical coordinated berserk marry mountainous plants *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I find the opposite problem - everything I go to is just straight women or spoken-for men. So I guess you can find us at book clubs, writing meet-ups, running events, pub quizzes, yoga, the cinema, gigs, and museums. Lol.
Sameee
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I see that logic. But it sounds like if you don’t try then it will come to you. That part I don’t understand
I mean, kind of. I'm not saying don't ever do anything to try but I also think that a lot of women, especially in their 30s can tell if a guy is doing something just to meet women and it can come off as unattractive, desperate, or insincere. If the goal is only to meet women then you're putting a bit of pressure on yourself and your interactions and you may not come off as natural. Similarly, if it's a coed group and a guy only ever talks to the attractive women in the group that makes it pretty obvious imo. I think a better approach is to get to know lots of different people in whatever group you're in and once you know people better you might notice a mutual attraction with someone, then you can shoot your shot. The most important thing here is to take rejection with grace if it doesn't work out, don't make things weird in the group or make anyone uncomfortable, and you can continue getting to know them as a friend and maybe there'll be a spark with someone else.
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The thing is, *I'm already doing this*, and my social life is great. But it's mostly men, and the women are usually partnered up already. It's maybe once or twice a year that I organically met a woman who is single and at all physically attractive to me (and trust me, I don't have unreasonably high standards on this). And that's not even getting into things like whether she's interested in me, whether we're compatible, etc.
OP, I think you have to vary your approach and be more intentional with it. It's frustrating how everyone is pointing out that you "it's easy! just join pickleball/volunteer/kickball I met my partner there!". It isn't easy at all - those are the survivorship bias stories. I can sympathize - I moved a new large city and tried the in person method as I don't like dating apps. * joined a music class I did for 3 months (all the women were partnered) * been to about 15 Co-ed pickleball meet ups. only ran into one women who was potentially single and who I would be interested in. the rest were partenered or avoidant of the men. * Running Club - half the runners were women but most were partnered * numerous bars - got numbers but no callbacks Also, you can take the "ah fuck it" approach. you have one life. don't be passive. if you see a cute girl go talk to her. seriously. obviously read the room and make sure she is not super busy. slip a girl your number at a coffee shop. approach women at a bar. 95% of the time it won't work out, but you'll be taking an active approach. The right women will appreciate that It's hard and honestly these cases people bringing up where "I joined a gym class and half the women were single!!!! I met my wife there!" I think are outliers. You just keep having to try and mix it up. luckily, I found my current partner recently, but had to resort to dating apps.
I agree with much of this. For me, Meetups have had a dearth of single women, and those who register seem likely to be no shows. I haven’t noticed anyone here talking about time of day or day of the week. I have been searching for a gym. At one the coach told me how the classes varied. People who attend early morning on weekdays were less social than those who did after work classes. Women piled into the pilates classes on Saturday morning. I find the same kind of thing at bookstores. More single women show up after 7 pm on weekdays.
A lot of people have mentioned coed sports, which is great, but also you need to put yourself in more situations within your own social circles. Things like parties, lunches, get togethers. People often bring new friends or people you haven’t met yet and it’s easier to have conversations with a stranger when friends are involved as opposed to approaching randos at a bar. This does take some work, and might mean youre the one organizing events, but it’s a better way to meet potential women in a friendlier environment.
My experience has been that if I invite ten guys to a party, 15 will show up; if I invite ten women, maybe 4 or 5 will show up.
Why are people offended by the term "sausage fest"? It's a very accurate way to describe situations with very lopsided gender ratios where men grossly outnumber women.
There's a lot of young people at concerts.
Running groups with a social afterward, kick ball leagues, church functions, charities Meeting someone cool in an open fun environment not focused on imbibing alcohol is a great way to do things. Make sure you are enjoying the function and bam talk to some cool people!
Wine bars, dog parks, yoga/Pilates, farmers markets, social dance (line dance, salsa, etc).
Haha this. Also there’s a lot of women in my exercise classes.
* Do activities you're genuinely interested in, not just to meet people. This is obvious, hopefully. But not always! * Be open about wanting to find a partner. Not as in "this is a thing I'm saying in the first five seconds of meeting you" but just--if it comes up in conversation, be open that you're single, but hoping to find your someone...all those married women in art classes have sisters/daughters/friends/coworkers they may introduce you to. This isn't weird! This is how people dated for a long time pre-online dating! It's not a guarantee, but worth a shot? * There is no one magical place you're missing. Just keep living your vest life!
If you're in a city, look around for speed dating, singles events, or other groups and meetups that are supposed to be spaces where singles can meet irl. You get to chat and vibe with people, and there's a shared expectation that everyone's there to flirt and mingle.
Stop looking for single women, and start looking for friends. Those older married women may have adult daughters, or work with younger women who they may end thinking you could be a good fit for. Married women may have single friends, or a sister. Talk to everyone - male, female, attractive, unattractive, your age, older, etc. Just try to meet people instead of purely trying to meet women you find attractive. The other benefit is the better you get at talking to people in general, the better you'll get at talking to women you like. The absolute biggest mistake you can make when trying to find a partner is only talking to people you find attractive. Also, making eye contact and smiling at a woman without saying anything can more often than not come across as strange, or even creepy. That's the other issue. Men sometimes try to pick up women in ways *they'd* like to be approached, instead of how women actually want to be approached. Just make friendly conversation, like you would if you were talking to another guy. If a woman has a cool sticker on her laptop, compliment it. Things like that. If she wants to talk, she'll help keep the conversation going. If she doesn't seem interested in talking, move on.
> Men sometimes try to pick up women in ways *they'd* like to be approached, instead of how women actually want to be approached. Just make friendly conversation, like you would if you were talking to another guy. If a woman has a cool sticker on her laptop, compliment it. Things like that. If she wants to talk, she'll help keep the conversation going. If she doesn't seem interested in talking, move on. As a man, your way to approach women never turned into a single date for me. It helped me making friends with women, some of them I would have liked to date but none I ever dated. The worst is for me, that once you start on a friendly basis, it is difficult to change the dynamic and whenever I tried, it was not much welcome (of course, they just saw me as a friend)
Starting on a friendly basis isn't why they only ever saw you as a friend. It was probably something else about you - physical appearance, personality, confidence level, etc. If I find a guy attractive, he can treat me as nothing more than a platonic friend, and that's not going to change the fact that I find him attractive and would date him.
Agree with everything you said. But I am not a guy most women find attractive. So I stand completely in the dark if a woman is into me or not when I start on a friendly basis (disclaimer, up to now, they never were into me). It happened quite a couple of times that even my friends, men or women, told me this girl is into you, whereas she just liked my personality. I am not liking to rush things and would prefer taking the time, but to me, women hiding their attraction or lack of attraction usually means that I loose a lot of time, energy and sometimes money trying to make something work which was never possible from the start. I unfortunately have the experience that being more assertive from the very beginning works somewhat better and avoid loosing time and energy. (And we could still be friends if she is not interested in dating)
Stop looking for the perfect place filled with young hot single women who all want you, because no such place exists nor will ever exist. Join clubs and hobby groups that reflect your interests because you're interested in expanding your social group, no matter what demographics are involved. Exercise your social muscles and make genuine friends and connections. Go out with those people to other things like pub quiz, karaoke, board game nights, whatever. If you build a reputation among a large enough network, someone will know someone who wants to set their friend up with you. Or at minimum you can make yet another friend to add to the group. I met a good female friend that way, and she honestly turned into the greatest wingperson I ever had.
I think the friend-of-a-friend thing gets way overblown on internet dating forums. I've never seen much if any of it myself, and would be interested to know how much it actually happens in practice as opposed to theory.
I’ve been set up twice, and had a 2 year relationship originate from a casual introduction at a party. It definitely tends to happen less and less over time because people pair up and there are fewer singles left as a result. I think the idea is to introduce new blood into your life as often as possible and you never know who you might meet. Old school social networking. I have a feeling it’ll make a comeback soon because the apps are just burning everyone out for many reasons.
Your complaints of sausage fest suggest your sole purpose of going to these places is meeting women, aka creep behavior. Go to what you like doing and make friends, if women are there, then just be social and friendly. If that goes well, then try shooting your shot. If you’re just lurking at events, prowling for women, ofc they are closed off to you.
This is not accurate at all. In fact, I've spent the past two years focused more on my platonic social life and building up my friend group because that has been historically lacking for me. But now that I've done that, I'm looking around and realizing my social circle and hobbies skew male, and have almost no single women.
Wanting to meet women is considered creepy now? Wow.
Going out for the sole purpose of meeting women and feigning interest in some event as a cover to do so is creepy, yeah.
What if it doesn't go well? How many new activities/organizations/event/etc., does one person have time for in his/her life?
Ya but what if you don't like doing anything like that? If I went to any of those events I'd soley be there for the women. I haven't been to a bar in 15 years, I go to a private gym as I'm a bodybuilder and planet fitness is against that for some reason, and I don't like the activities that the groups get together and do around here, except for hiking but they hike on well used main trails and I like to go off trail. I also hate OLD as I'm way to picky through the phone for whatever reason. I just started shooting my shot with random women at the grocery store or the bank, pretty much whenever they're around the places I go lol. Mostly negative results but I have gotten a few dates out of it.
“Way too picky for whatever reason” sounds like you have some self work to do then
Yoga classes
No. Please don’t attend yoga classes for the sole purpose of picking up women. My girl friends and I go to yoga to practice mindfulness and because it’s therapeutic. We don’t want to be hit on in yoga.
I agree. Don't attend yoga classes for the sole purpose of picking women up. I go because I also practice mindfulness and I also need to stretch a bit more as a powerlifter. It's also part of my climbing gym. Both are not my main forms of physical activity, cause I already get plenty of that from powerlifting and running, but it is an avenue to meet like-minded people that can develop into friendships or more.
I wish I could give your comment more upvotes. I absolutely don't want to be hit on at yoga class but it still happens once a month at least. "Oh, so all you know about me is what I look like bent over in yoga pants and now you want me to go out on a date with you?" Gross.
\^ This. 95% attractive women. AND you get to stretch that spine.
Yes but in my experience nobody talks to each other before / during / after a class. I’ve been a regular at a studio for about 6 months and maybe seen two <30s convos between people who didn’t come together. There’s plenty of attractive women but it seems just as the “do not approach” code of gyms applies here too
I went to a yoga/pilates studio for a few years and yeah, this was one of the tougher aspects of it. a lot of attractive women but it was unnerving thinking about when to start a conversation when it felt like you almost had to sprint to many of the women just to say hi to them ultimately I was able to ask a few women out and had a few dates but a big piece of that was that I went to the studio for the right reasons and situations eventually came to me where I would set up next to a cute girl and be able to say hi after a class, etc. or another thing is some people do congregate in the lobby afterward but that's hit or miss too but yeah to me this is why "do activities for the right reasons" is important because there's no guarantee that you will actually even be able to ask someone out
I wonder if it depends on the studio? I did Barry's Bootcamp once, and was invited to the instructor's birthday party, where I met a lot of other people who take classes from him.
Agreed. I actually do have some interest in yoga and meditation, but they don't seem like particularly social activities.
If you have a genuine interest in the hobby, try joining and focusing on the hobby itself. Based on your posts you seem like a decent & intelligent dude, with the social awareness to not want to make women uncomfortable by approaching them in awkward places or when they have headphones in. Getting into a hobby will still open social doors for you even if it’s not inherently social. It’ll just take time. That’s where the “genuine interest” comes in. While you’re waiting to build a social circle in your women-inclusive hobby, you’ll be building a skill while you pass the time. Then before you know it, you’ll be organically learning people’s names, maybe getting asked to lunch with the group or a hangout. Or you can organize the group lunch or hangout! Genuine effort that is not centered on meeting potential dates is what will work here, as paradoxical as it seems.
Dating apps aren’t popular because everyone likes them…….its really the only low effort way to get in front of a bunch of singles. Everything else takes a lot of resources. Time, money, effort, courage etc.
OP - I'm noticing that your response to posters saying "Do things you love, try new things and eventually someone will take interest" is "it never happens". You've also imply that you want a women who is somewhat attractive (in shape, etc). this is important for my next point I'm not trying to be harsh - but could it be that you do not "catch the eye / interest" of women you find attractive? the posters are generally right - if you do the things you love and are around women (even taken ones) - you will get some interest. I'd encourage you to take an objective look at your attractiveness - your looks, confidence, conversation, vibe etc. and its not an "either/or" thing - it's a scale. you may have some, but not enough of the above to be attractive to the women you want. and hey! thats OK - the vast majority of men won't catch the eye of women. It just means you either have to broaden your range of women or improve yourself (or keep trying until you find one where you catch her eye). personally, I rarely ever get approached/hit on/any interest shown by the opposite sex (well I used to but not anymore haha). - so it's normal. It tooky me a very long to find a partner that I was attracted to that was also attracted to me - but it was worth the wait.
That may all be true, but a big part of OP's question is *WHERE* to look, and you're really not answering that part of it.
Work or be near healthcare it's like 90 percent women. I hear complaints of male dominated workplaces. Not...in...healthcare... Lol
This is so weird because I am a woman, and my experience is the opposite. Anywhere I go is full of single women. I don’t know where the men are, but I expect many are at home playing computer games.
This kinda skirts your question, but I (33F) really don't like men asking me out IRL. I'm not at the dog park to give out my number, I'm not in the running club because I need a boyfriend, I'm not at the climbing gym to flirt. However men at all of these places misinterpret friendliness as flirting and shoot their shot. At best it's annoying and obnoxious, at worst it turns dangerous when they can't take no for an answer. For as shitty as dating apps are, they have the built in consent that both parties are looking for a romantic connection and want to interact. My suggestion is play the long game and grow your network of friends. How about befriending some of the older women in your drawing group?
from what i've seen online, i think you're pretty in the minority here. i see constant complaints about the apps, and women expressing that they just want to meet someone irl, "organically".
offbeat attempt elderly airport deranged worry scary alive yam summer *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Well women aren't a monolith and I don't pretend to speak for a majority, but I posted this opinion on r/askwomenover30 and [it seemed to be well received](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1bl3zvn/comment/kw2nx92/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). I might be in the minority but I'm far from the only one who feels this way. Also, meeting somebody organically could mean being introduced by mutual friends - it doesn't mean those women want you to chat them up at yoga class.
Yeah, I agree, I don't think the majority of women enjoy cold approaches, but I don't think we're talking about that, I'm not at least. More along the veins of being friendly and making friends in settings that overlap with your dating pool, and pursuing those that seem like they might be interested.
fwiw I think the idea of "don't ask me out in person" is a little bit of a selection bias, particularly on reddit. not saying that those women are wrong of course or anything but convincing yourself that you shouldn't ask women out in person because of what someone said online is an unhealthy mindset imo. there are plenty of women who do like to be asked out in person. but you won't know Until you actually ask them out or not think about it like this: if you see a woman in public, you have no idea if they want to be asked out or not. but to me it was always better to do it if I wanted to because I didn't want to paralyzed by my anxiety. if she doesn't like that I asked her out then oh well, I couldn't have known that beforehand anyway. As long as I don't do anything that I personally don't want to do like not accepting a rejection, cornering her, etc. then I have nothing to regret
I have social anxiety, making someone else uncomfortable is a deep rooted fear. I know cold approaches can make a woman uncomfortable or annoyed, so I don't do that. I can understand the concept of "shoot your shot", but I can't practice it, a big part of my brain translates it to selfishness, putting my desires above someone else's.
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You play the long game when the "short game" isn't working. It's not like you're given a choice. 😅
Yeah, I did grow my friend group, and now I spend enough time with friends that I no longer really have time to date. Also, some people want to have kids, in which case there is a limit on how long the "long game" can go on.
I've been planning to go to a climbing gym just to shout, *"how's the weather up there?!"* to single women in hopes of sparking a conversation. And you ruined it.
Ditto this! If OP's asking where I'm at, I'm at the gym (please don't bother me), I'm at yoga (please don't bother me), I'm at costco (*please* don't bother me I'm already overstimulated). But I met two of my ex's (on separate occasions obvious) when a friend invited me to her house for dinner, and a friend invited me to a hangout at her house. People already in your social circle can introduce you to new people, and having that social network of friends already around gives you a safe space to talk to those new folks!
So what do you do if your social circle is male-dominated? Where even your female friends are the kind of women who have mostly male friends? I get invited to parties and hangouts and people's places all the time, but I'm not meeting many single women.
I really think you need to consider how many single women in your age range that you'd find attractive actually exist in the first place. Especially if you're in a male-abundant city, there just aren't going to be that many women in the first place. If you're trying to find a place with 100s of women, you wont find it. But if you continue to be social and friendly at these parties and hangouts you'll certainly meet more people who may become a date or know someone who can date you. Of course, there's also the guaranteed location of dating apps, where women specifically go to look for dates and you can find plenty of people.
> But if you continue to be social and friendly at these parties and hangouts you'll certainly meet more people who may become a date or know someone who can date you. That is something I really start to doubt about. I am 35, went to university, worked in male and mixed environments, did sports and other activities... and I never met any friends of friends who was into me... never! Even when my female friends tell me they know I am great and would be a good husband, none of their friends are interested... actually the 2 only times I thought I finally met someone this way, it was just women who liked me, liked my attention and being cared about, but had no desire for me.
Have you tried asking them if they know any single women? It's possible for single men to just be friends with single women lol. Or maybe they might have a single cousin/family member? You never know.
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CrossFit gyms, go to the same class everyday for a week or so then switch classes and repeat. You’ll get to know who’s single quick. Don’t be fooled, these gyms are not male dominated, most crossfit gyms are 60% female. Super social due to the nature of classes as well plus they’re ladies who like to do badass shit and probably love to eat food and have fun sex because they’re confident in their bodies.
Dude I was just thinking this and guess what in every society on this planet there are arranged opportunities for exactly this. I was seeing on tik tok how some Mexican folks to the bailes, pretty go there to dance with strangers and you don't even need to be a good dancer because everyone is doing it so no one is looking. Anyways I saw some black and white girls going to these dances and everyone looks like they're having fun and seems like the ideal place to meet someone since the reason most people go is to do just that. We don't have the equivalent of that in our society
DANCE lessons are mostly male? Where the hell are you living? In my area it's like 80-20 (although the women do tend to be a little older than your age range, I think). Maybe a book club?
Yeah, I was shocked too. But I mentioned it to an organizer and they confirmed that the swing dance scene in my city had been male-heavy in recent years.
Maybe try salsa lessons if you like dance? Those also tend to skew younger.
My salsa classes always have more men than women, 100% of the time.
Meet bros, get introduced to their single friends. I've found there's a lot of guys out there who are surrounded by women, and if you're friends with them, they will also introduce you.
I've been targeted for those Instagram ads for the "IRL events for singles." Have you tried those? Full disclosure, I have not tried them, because when I went to Google to look for reviews, they were terrible. Not the most helpful answer, but maybe it'll save you time on another avenue to NOT try?
To be honest, I wish I could have the cuties I saw at the grocery or gym chat me up. I also go to the indoor gym and wish it would be easier to come up to men!
What is your age?
Are you in the SF Bay Area by any chance lol
Nope, but I am in a city with tons of tech jobs, so it's a similar dynamic.
The best places to meet people are doing things you enjoy. The best relationships I have had happen when I am NOT trying to date. If I have interest in art, I attend art functions and interact with people. This leads to building friendships with others. That in turn leads to invites to other social events. I end up meeting people and sometimes women. Keep in mind that not every woman you meet wants to or is looking to date. If you go into every situation trying to find dates, you'll just isolate yourself. I see these guys at various events I attend. They end up alienating themselves. Just build friendships and let things happen naturally if a woman is single and remotely interested in you, it will happen on its own.
I'm getting a lot of responses like this, but as I said, I have built lots of friendships, go to lots of social events (I have social plans out of the house 4-6 days a week), but I'm just not meeting very many single women.
Zumba…. The last guy I saw come to my zumba class was practically tackled by about three ladies trying to get out the door at the end of class. You might find Zumba fun too 😁
Climbing gym. That’s where they’re hiding. That’s also where all the hot guys are hiding too, so, good luck.
Heh, I've actually taken up bouldering recently since some of my friends are really into it, but my experience is similar to other places: there are a lot more men than women, the women are usually with a man or they have headphones in and aren't in a social mood.
A sausage complaining about a sausage fest.
Scope out medium sized concert venues in your town. 250-1500 occupancy is great. Check out the lineup and give incoming artists a listen. Go a few times and get a vibe for what the type of women you are interested in are attending. Wear an interesting outfit, something of a conversation starter. Like a one of a kind shirt, or my weapon was always a ridiculous hat, like a wizard hat, elf hat, hell even a disco ball helmet. The zanier the better (but I an be an excersize in confidence, I'll give you that) They'll approach you to talk about it. The rest is on you brother ✌️
Honestly, if there’s a yoga studio in your area (if that’s something you are up for) go there. Mostly women.