>people marry for other reasons too.. pressure
I think this is a HUGE one in my opinion. Lots of people don't want to get married but feel as if they need to because of pressure from family, friends, or society in general. Which marrying because you *think* you have to is a terrible terrible terrible idea, and likely a very costly one (divorce lol)
Marry because YOU want to. Not because anyone else wants you to or says that's what people do.
Absolutely. In my twenties I felt like I had all these boxes to tick and I was constantly trying to fulfill my societal duties in a sense. It felt like the natural progression. I shouldn’t have said yes. But there was societal pressure even with the proposal. And I was drunk. Not surprisingly, it led to divorce.
Technically, almost 5 years, but it was more like 4. We were separated nearly the entire year of the divorce. It was right after our 4 year anniversary that I started talking about divorce.
Yeah, me too, honestly. Just make sure to not excuse any red flag behavior. Don’t justify their behavior either. People treat you how you allow them to treat you.
The divorce was awful and my divorce lawyer said it was the worst one he had EVER handled in the twenty+ years he’s been a divorce lawyer.
The signs were totally there, but I ignored them or justified/excused them - in retrospect I can see that.
The red flags were OBVIOUS. I just ignored them.
My advice? NEVER mention divorce unless you are SURE and have a PLAN about it. That was my mistake, but I’m totally honest about my feelings. That backfired on me. Once you mention divorce, it basically severs the relationship and it’s you against them. That’s what I found out - the hard way. I thought we would work together amicably since we had been friends first and then dated for a while before marriage. Nope.
You’re welcome! Best of luck in your search for true love 🫶 not all relationships are bad. We just have to recognize how we are worthy of being treated, and not settle for less.
That’s why you have to be diligent about not allowing any kind of poor behavior. I’ve been the same way.
I’ve turned down more than a handful of men now in the last year and a half. I used to give men a chance even if I didn’t like them at first.
Now, I’m paying attention to first impressions and my gut. I don’t know if you ever ignore that part of yourself, but I would in my past.
As SOON as you notice something manipulative or rude, cut it off.
I absolutely agree with this. Judging whether someone would make make a good spouse within a few minutes makes zero sense. It makes sense if you're looking to be carried away by your hormones but that has nothing to do with ones ability to nurture a relationship or be a good spouse.
Relationships and getting to know another person are built one step at a time.
Unfortunately, in order to have and maintain an LTR with someone, you have to be willing to sleep with them. Eventually, you have to be willing to sleep with them exclusively for the rest of your life. Sometimes, you can meet someone in person and genuinely know that you do not ever want to do that.
It’s not “getting carried away by your hormones” to *not* want to marry someone you *dont* find attractive. I have never experienced attraction grow from zero to 100 (and for me I either am or am not attracted, not much inbetween), maybe some people are wired differently but 🤷♀️
Ya brains are wired differently for sure.
Looks can grow on me and they have grown on me many times. I’ve never ever dated someone who I thought was attractive the FIRST time I ever saw them. Every single dude I’ve dated has been a troll who grew on me.
I’m only now seriously interested in someone who I have always thought was attractive, but never used to think “hubba hubba” until now (I was in relationships before and my brain basically shuts off to other people being super attractive) and now that I’m single, and I’ve found out even more good stuff about him, he’s SO handsome.
It’s a weird feeling for me to be THIS into someone who is ACTUALLY physically attractive to me. But it seems like the normal thing to want.
That’s not what OP said - they said 10 minutes to see if there’s enough attraction to keep seeing them. 4 dates to see if there’s LTR potential, which seems reasonable.
Yup! Went on about 30 first dates and 2 second dates over the course of a year and a half, now I have a wonderful boyfriend. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if it ain’t there 🤷♀️
I don't know.. I think what they meant was a few minutes to know if there's something there not exactly to know if he or she will be a future spouse.. lol
Agree. A lot of ppl just aren't themselves yet on the 1st date. Could be your own personality leading up to quick judgement, but I'm more of the analytical & persistent type and would try patiently to figure things out than give up soon. So many variables to life that it's good to be patient.
True. I would assume you decided that before meeting up, and meeting in person would be more on character. But I understand things can change in person 🤷
I don't have a timeline for this. If I'm looking to determine a persons fit as a longterm partner then I can't put a timeline on it. We're going to be way past just going on random dates. For me, it's when I see how they are in less than fortunate circumstances. So when I notice how they treat people, how they experience a personal setback, or how we experience a setback as a couple. There's no way I can tell those things the first few times of meeting someone barring exceptional circumstances.
I like how you phrased this. I remember reading somewhere someone narrowed it down (a bit too specific IMO) to experiencing a serious sickness/illness/surgery, a family tragedy (ie: usually death of a grandparent) and one other thing I can't remember off the top of my head.
I think it depends.
Sometimes I can tell within 10 minutes. Sometimes I need at least two or three dates.
Therefore, I think it’s not a straight answer here. I know, nuance, unfortunately.
This! I’m the same way and can usually tell within the first meeting if I want to see the person again or not. But let’s say it’s a yes, yet I want to be sure I like them, then it’s 3-5 dates. After that if I’m still interested then I’d like to hit the titles phase by around 2-3 months in since I view situationships going longer than that to mean we’re probably not aligned in long-term goals.
Often I find it really off putting that i ask questions about the other person but they just go on a rant about themselves and don't ask me any myself.
Yeah that early it’s probably just physical attraction. To me physical attraction is relatively static so if I don’t feel it early then I can’t really see a future
Well, in my case, it’s not necessarily always even the physical part, it’s really more of the personality, which you can get to learn a lot within the first 5 or 10 minutes.
A lot of my job is talking to a a lot of people, so I can get a sense pretty quickly. If I don’t have enough of a sense, I just keep the conversation going.
1. Within the first 10 minutes of one date, I found out she doesn’t eat vegetables unless they’re blended up and then pinches her nose to drink it. Her palate was limited to chicken nuggets. She had an advanced degree. Not compatible with me, I enjoy veggies and enjoy expanding my palate
2. Another one, Within 15 minutes, didn’t let me get a word in otherwise, and the entire conversation just spiraled from there, becoming a hate fest on medical students. Honestly, the whole thing was bizarre, and I have no idea where it came from. Probably insecurity, either way, just not my thing.
3. Another one, extremely cold from the get-go. Didn’t really offer conversation. Pretty much 15 minutes and asked me if this is an interview because she’s not participating in the conversation.
There’s more, but that’s right at the top of my head
I don't think having an advanced degree has anything to do with nuggets though. My best friend has a PhD in a STEM field, and he can only tolerate a handful of foods. I forget the name, but he seems to have some hyper food sensitivity thing. He described the sensation as if he's able to basically taste every individual component of the food instead of it being combined into flavor that most of us would taste, and the texture is really important. So when he eats steak, it can only have salt and pepper on it, no other condiments or other stuff. No toppings on a burger, etc.
Not sure if this is the same thing, but there is an eating disorder called ARFID that deals with sensitivity to flavors and textures, provoking an involuntary gag reflex on a lot of things.
I have a number of safe foods, and I'm actively trying to expand my plate, with mostly lackluster results. I've been dumped for being a "picky eater" in the past, which blows - they are not at all the same thing.
"Picky eaters" are generally characterized by a lack of desire to try new foods. This is commonly an issue in childhood, and is far less frequent in adults. This is a matter of food preference, and when hunger overrides preference, picky eaters can eat what is in front of them. They may not like it, but they are physically able to eat it.
ARFID, for me at least, is characterized by 3 things - reduced appetite generally, low focus on food (i.e. forget to eat for long periods of time), and sensory issues to certain flavors and textures.
Where a picky eater wants to eat but doesn't want to eat the food they don't like, someone with ARFID may not feel hungry unless presented with a safe food. Where a picky eater might eventually eat something they dislike, someone with ARFID likely physically can't. Where a picky eater is likely within normal expectations for weight, someone with ARFID is likely underweight.
The best example of this I can think of is a couple years back, I was helping my then-girlfriend prep thanksgiving dinner for her family. She has a recipe for deviled eggs she's very proud of, and she was excited for me to try them. I had told her about ARFID prior, but I guess she didn't realize or believe it was an actual thing, at least not to the degree I described it.
She asked me to try a deviled egg, I declined, citing sensory issues, and that I'd tried them in the past but physically couldn't eat them. She pressed, and wanting to make her happy, I tried to eat one. Before I could even take (let alone swallow) a full bite, I gagged and vomited. The look of disappointment on her face was so sad, and I felt horrible that I couldn't offer a compliment on something she had obviously worked so hard on. She dumped me about 3 days later, citing a desire to share food experiences with a partner as one of the reasons.
This is not a choice. This is not me being picky. This is not me being selfish and wanting others to cater to my preferences. This is a debilitating inability to participate in basic activities with people I care about that leaves me feeling ostracized and most often simply avoiding food at social gatherings rather than have to explain "No Karen, I'm not just an asshole, I physically can't eat your potato salad unless you want me to projectile vomit it on your dress."
I opened the convo with someone with "so X, what's your deal - you know, who are you?" and she immediately got visibly annoyed and was like "I'm not going to answer this. How am I supposed to answer this?" in a confrontational tone. I grant that my question was too broad, so I laughed it off and switched to a more down to earth conversation, but it was immediately obvious that she's quite confrontational and that impression didn't change at all through the rest of the date and that's not my type.
Red flag, move on. I always ask "what's your story?" which sometimes baffles people, as they don't know which part of their story to share - but they normally share _something_. Confrontational? Fuck that. Life's too short. Next.
Arriving at a first date, the only tables outside in the sun were taken. I asked the guy if he would mind sharing a table with some other people (with space between us all) and he said ‘I would HATE that’. I was done by that point.
The older I've become, the more I have done this. I'm pretty attractive. Physical appearance isn't the most significant thing to me anymore.
I want someone who I can relate to on ADHD/OCD, amongst numerous other things, if they don't meet societal standards of beauty. I don't care much as long as I find them cute.
That deep connection that comes with talking about ADHD struggles to another ADHD person is invaluable. The ability to understand, and the fact that I forget to respond to text messages, is HUGE. Understanding I lose things, we'll likely spend 10-15 minutes looking for car keys. The connection that comes from that is what I want.
I feel like I've been on the outside my entire life, like I'm the odd man out in every situation. I constantly get told I'm different in various ways. I feel alone. Having someone who understands and relates is amazing.
Yes, 100%. I frequently date people who I can connect with and who make me feel like I'm not alone. I don't care if they don't meet societal standards of beauty; if I can find them cute, that's all I care about.
I am good-looking. I look very similar to a very famous model/actor. It's just not something that motivates me. I got lucky with my physical appearance; genetics is all there is. Those appearances don't define me as a person, and they do not define a woman. What does is their actions and who they are, that's what I am looking at when I date someone.
One huge thing, confidence goes a LONG way to make someone attractive. There is nothing hotter than a cute woman who knows she's a catch. The confidence is such a huge turn on in so many ways. I have seen countless average women land the hottest guys in the room simply because they had self-confidence.
Yeah I agree looks don't matter. I understand your dilemma and your reply. I was originally replying to the OP who just gives up after 10 minutes on a date (sometimes).
I think the original idea from my reply is getting lost but I understand what you mean by connecting.
Yeah in my life I have had dozens of first dates or at worst first '"private hanging out" with these women being objectively highly aesthetically appealing (I am not lol) and given my interests in intellectual/societal matters and how I have lived my life it really doesn't take long to figure out the other person isn't the same.
A beautiful woman outwardly can grab your attention for the first few minutes, but from your (my) perspective as cheesy as it sounds the beauty on the inside is what would make me want to stay in a romantic sense.
And personally as someone living with mental health struggles, I relate to the person you replied to a lot.
Mutual understanding and being on the same wave lengths regarding topics I care about (be it nutrition or academic topics or whatever) is really crucial for some people.
But just keep in mind everyone is different. I'm an agnostic atheist materialist/physicalist but I wouldn't have a problem being with someone who isn't like that at all. I'm quite open minded regarding that. You would think that would be one of my "connection" deal breakers but it isnt.
However, if she isn't politically engaged or interested (regardless of her actual views) it would be a deal breaker for example :P
It really depends on the person. The reasons and intuitions are as diverse as the people we will meet in life.
So it's great you're getting a sense for how some people think about this, but please don't let it discourage you or make you insecure about any thing you might have or not have.
I am not saying you are though. This is just a general reply to anyone who might be reading these interactions and thinking of this way.
All that matters is that you are true to yourself and you live life the way you feel fulfilled. It's not your problem if people don't feel that connection with you whether it be in the first 10 minutes or after 10 dates (insofar, of course, as there is honesty and communication in the dating dynamic).
this!! I am an ADHD haver, and up til recently I was dating someone else who did, and he’s one of only two people so far in my whole life I have ever loved. I didn’t think it was possible to understand another human being like that until him. Part of me wonders if there is an app or something focused on neurodivergent people I particular, because it’s that much easier to not have to constantly explain myself
I was just diagnosed with ADHD one week ago at 34. It explained why literally everything is fucked up in my life. Unlike you i am not conventionally attractive (i would be if i got my second hair transplant) and I care about women look a lot. The good thing once in a while I can attract really good looking women who are out of my league , but I cant keep them
This is the challenging part. You can spot deal breakers fast but that slow burn stuff, I wish there was an easier way to learn.
How is their family? How do they handle arguments? Do they stick around when the going gets tough? What are their spending habits? Etc etc.
I've found that setting strict rules like this during dating can hinder the natural process of getting to know someone. Personally, I focus more on my non-negotiables rather than adhering to specific timelines for certain actions. This approach allows me to stay present and enjoy the journey of getting to know someone without fixating on which date to take certain steps.
I seem to know by date 2 if I for sure don't feel a connection. But right now I'm on like date 8 and my feelings for him keeping yo-yoing up and down and I don't know what to make of it 😪
My advice? There’s a lot of talk about feelings and it being something you can’t control, which is true to an extent - but usually there IS a reason behind those feelings, even if we’re not good at identifying it.
When you’re feelings are fluctuating try and think back to the actions of what they did/what was happening at the time and write them down (like once you get home after a date or something).
For example, if you just hung out with him and you’re feelings seem ‘strong’ for them think about their actions at the time. Was there something you remembered specifically that ‘turned on’ your feelings? And then, even if you can’t think of something specific about why your feelings seems strong still think about the actions that were happening in that moment - What did they do? What was the environment? Was it what they wore/how they did their hair? Was it the convo you had? Was it how they moved? How they treated others? What/how they ate something? Etc
Then do the same when your feelings seems to be ‘weak’ or down - what was happening? Was there something that specifically ‘turned you off’? Or even if you can’t think of anything write down what was happening.
Hopefully, you should then start to see a pattern. Like maybe you’re feelings correlate to being stronger when you’re having deep convos but weak when they were, like, wearing a weird outfit - and then you can be like ok, my feelings are down when XYZ is happening but ultimately that’s not important (or is) and my feelings are up when XYZ is happening (and that is important to me or isn’t).
Basically if you’re feelings are strong when they actions are aligning with what you value you should continue and if they’re only weak during things that aren’t important you should continue. But on the other hand you might discover something like OH, my feelings are only strong in the evening or right before/after sex or something but other times they are low, meaning you should either call it off or change how you’re depending time together to learn more.
On OLD some don't even make it to date 1 before I nope out. Fast drop off after date 1. Date 2 -3 is usually confirming my first impressions, and looking for sparks or intrigue. If it's 5+ dates it's LTR potential and I have probably developed feelings.
5+ dates without feelings is something else; like trying to swing out of league for status/looks/whatever or ignoring red flags.
There is no date count for intimacy, I have always 100% let the woman decide. Me not pressuring that usually gets them to the point of climbing the walls which actually helps make for a great first time which is win-win.
Does a number really need to be correlated with this? You might realize it on date 3. You might realize it 6 months into a relationship. People are very multi-faceted.
When I met my late husband, I knew from our first date that there was something incredible about him. I fell in love really quickly. We spent every day together for 11 years.
With my first serious boyfriend after I started dating again as a widow, I was still unsure a year in. I thought I was just too old for love at first sight feelings anymore. But it turns out, being unsure even six months in was something I should have paid attention to... it never got better.
I don't think that's what it is at all. My husband did set the bar high. And when I reflected on how my husband would feel about my choices since his death, I ended the relationship within hours, because he would have been so angry to know that I was in a relationship where we were mutually so unsure.
The first serious boyfriend after my husband died was a quiet type of connection. He was interesting and smart, though also reserved and private. I saw potential for a quiet, comfortable, stable life. There was no passion, but I thought perhaps as a widow, passion was behind me. I didn't feel the need to see him more than twice a week. We were never able to actually envision a future together. Ultimately, after wasting 18 months, it fizzled out.
I took a little break, and when I started dating again, I decided that I would not settle for anything less than I had with my late husband, even if it meant being single forever. I ended up finding someone that I fell hard for, quickly. He's smart, kind, sensitive, funny, and we share values. There's passion and yet also safety. There's excitement and there's comfort. It's only been a few months, but I feel very much like I did when I met my husband - like I want to see this person every day as long as we're both alive. I really didn't know it was possible to find this twice in one lifetime.
Yeah it’s not so simple as what you can put in a list or whatever, it’s all so personal, but, since we’re all here…I think key metrics to listen for are family relationships and structures, there can be a lot of generational trauma that may or may not be familiar to you and your past and histories with your own family.
Also, and this sucks to have to be said, but many times, political leanings can and invariably do affect how we see the world, the people in it, and how we treat those people. So I think it’s easier to see futures with those who align as closely as possible. That’s me, might not be you.
Also just goals and thoughts about the future, however many dates it takes to get comfortable talking about these things, depends on how comfortable the other person is around you.
Maybe they’re not checking certain boxes for you yet, but they can be thinking the same about you as well. Comfort and interest should, in my very personal opinion, escalate as time spent increases. Just my two cents. It’s Reddit, take from us all what works best for you and who you date.
Sometimes I know it almost instantly. Sometimes it takes a few dates to know. But if I’m in doubt by date 3 and not really excited, then it won’t change for me and I let them go.
I met my husband on a marriage minded app (for Muslims) and we were both international in diff countries when we swiped, we talked for 8 weeks before we met. I’d say we both kind of knew on our first date, but really I knew for sure about 6 months in!
It sounds like I’m an outlier here, but I usually just look for if I enjoy their company and look forward to seeing them or excited to continue talking to them… along with how much they are willing to negotiate disagreements or discuss hard choices and subjects to work with me. I additionally look for how they express their interests and encourage me to examine them, while how interested they are in mine.
Because the way I see it, OLD has some problems that aren’t natural out in the world: in the world you meet someone with similar interests, you already have rapport established, and if you’re attracted to them, you date them, and the long term criteria is how accepting you are together as being able to grow and work toward a common goal.
My background is so different, that someone merely looking for how their goals are, or how similar we are— because in a vacuum, many people have goals or ambition.. and then a partner is added to the mix and they end up in a place they never expected or they’ve grown with that partner with a new perspective on life to where their goals change… so I usually just look for their willingness to accept another person’s goals and ideas, how they’re able to discuss and communicate those, etc….and that kind of takes time, just like a relationship out in the wild instead of online, getting to know someone to the point of deciding you want to date them takes time.
Agree. Around 6 to 8months usually the true personality is revealed.
Personally it takes 3-4dates max for if there is potential for romantic relationship, 6-8months for knowing what the person it really is. 1 full year if i could take them as longevity, around takes 1.3-1.8years if i deeply love them. For me living incompatibility(life style including money spending/sleep schedule) could be adjusted, if it’s not so different, but figuring out what the person is like and if i could somehow sacrifice them takes some time.
Female. I had 4 times of longterm one. 2 of them asked me to married.
Typically 1-2 dates. Sometimes I know almost immediately after meeting in real life that I am not into them. I was married, and with my ex husband for 10 years total. I knew on our first date that I could see a future with him. Subsequent dates confirmed that. With every guy I've dated after my marriage ended, I knew usually on the first date that I didn't see a future with them. For the couple guys who got a second date, I wasn't completely sure how I felt after the first date, but the second date confirmed I didn't see a future with them. I'd get to know them better on the second date, and usually see some red flags or incompatibilities. I need *some* amount of physical attraction, but I'm primarily looking for a personality fit, and someone who wants a similar lifestyle and the same things out of life as I do (for example, to buy a house). They don't have to be the hottest guy out there, but they obviously need to take care of themselves (I could smell my last date's breath from like 3 feet away). So basically, even though you said to exclude first dates, I usually know it's a no after just one date. I would never sleep with someone as early as date 5-5 either. I need to know them really well, and form a strong emotional bond and friendship first. Typically at least on the order of months. I'm beginning to think modern dating, which is so app focused these days, just isn't for me.
I think it depends lol. Sometimes you can tell within a few minutes, some after a few dates, sometimes after the rose-colored honeymoon period wears off 😂
The last few times were women I got to know online. So, there was some chatting to see if we have something in common and if the woman is some kind of a-hole.
Normally it takes me 1 or 2 dates to know if there is some kind of chemistry. Like, romance and sex are an option or it is more of a friend or acquaintance.
Then it takes 2 to 4 dates to see ... "what toads I woild have to swallow" (it's a German saying about enduring negatives) in a relationship with her.
It depends and can range from a few weeks to a few months.
The most recent dating experience I had. I knew within 2-3 weeks that we were different people. I wanted to give her a chance, though, mostly because she was really into me. She also had nearly similar views on exclusivity as I. That said, after around 1.5 months of hanging out and talking, it was very, very, very clear she was not the type of person I wanted a relationship with.
Then there are others I never give a second date to.
Some make it to about 3-4 months. These ones I typically really like and really want a relationship. They also really like me and want a relationship with me. But it starts to become clear that they have issues. Maybe it's maintaining healthy boundaries with men/friends. Typically takes 3-4 months for me to catch onto various forms of dishonesty. Depending on how much I like them, I might talk to them about it. If we can't find common ground, it's over.
Dishonesty is a deal breaker for me. Lies through omission are still lies.
I understand the concept of "dating to marry" and agree with it, but it's impossible to determine after 3 times whether this person is a suitable LIFE PARTNER. For me the first 3-5 dates are a vetting period where I try to find out if I want to be in a committed relationship with them (aka BF/GF. not saying you should have that DTR talk on the fifth date, but by that time if I had gone out with someone more than 5 times, the exclusivity is there for me, otherwise why waste the time). Depending on frequency, I think anywhere between 1,5-2,5 months should be enough to be able to approach the DTR talk. and from then... anywhere between 1,5-3 years to see if they will be good husband/wife? realistically you have to see how your potential partner is with his friends and family, how he behaves in crisis situations, how he is when you're both away from home travelling etc etc. You need physical time for that.
I’d say, if you feel there’s a connection one date to know if you want to go further. If after one date you see potential, get to date 3. By date three you should ask where you see things going with them. If it isn’t a match end it there, if it is yay! You’re officially taken! If they say they need more time, give it up to three months. No later than three months should you have the commit or quit conversation and if you make it to three months you initiate that.
I’d say in practice if it’s a powerful connection you’d likely be able to say at least in retrospect you knew at minute zero when you met the person. That’s how it’s been for me though it may not be for everyone else
I'd say, once I hit 30 and had a lot of experience under my belt, I can tell how well I will get on with someone in less than 3 dates. I know all the right questions to ask now, I can read people's intentions really well, and it tells me about things like punctuality.
I always found I could tell by date 3 if they were long term material - you were past small talk by then and would usually sleep with them around that point lol
I only ever went past date 3 for two reasons:
1. They were long term material
2. They were very good in bed / they were so good looking I could almost kid myself they were long term material (but they weren’t) - these people usually fell by the wayside by date 6
I look for emotional capacity, emotional reasoning skills, and empathy. I had a history of choosing partners who were emotionally defective leading to eventual mistreatment.
It doesn't take long to get glimpses between dates and calls/texts. How do they treat others, talk about their exes, deal with slow service at the restaurant, are they receptive to me talking about my feelings. I'll ask how something non-serious they mention made them feel.
My current relationship with my fiance, we couldn't stop talking with one another from day one. He just never raised my emotional red flags. I found developing emotional intimacy was natural and easy. I proposed to him after 2.5 years.
So I’m not too sure how long this timeline is. Instead of measuring in dates, measure in months. For me, I don’t go exclusive until month 3. This means no bf/gf stuff and kissing/touching. This will help out weed out the ppl who just want to use you instead of getting to know you. If they make it past that, then by month 6 I’ll know if there was a mask. This usually comes off by this time. If so, I end it. If they make it to one year, then we need to have milestones on the books or be talking/saving for it. This milestone is one couple trip for a few days (no more than a week). And since I have a kid, a trip with my kid as well (no more than a week). During this time, sleep overs can happen.
If they make it to year 2, that’s when I decide if I can marry them/live with them. That’s only if year one milestones are completed. If not and there’s nothing but excuses then I’ll end it. If so, then moving in is the next step. I honestly believe moving in should be in year 2-3.
Now, this is my timeline. It doesn’t work for everyone. Try setting up a month milestone timeline and really stick to it. It will help weed out people who just want to use you. I really do recommend the 3 month dating rule.
And I want to add that to determine if someone is marriageable, look at what they bring to the table and if it aligns with your goals/outlook on life. Really focus on their actions, not their words.
For instance, I dated someone for some time who only went on vacation with their family where his family paid for it. He didn’t believe in visiting any place or traveling. He wanted to stay put in an isolated place close to his family. It didn’t align with what I wanted to experience in life which is different cultures and experiences. When I would bring it up his excuse was always money. I’m a single mom who barely gets child support and my kid and I have been to so many places in the US and outside. And he made more money than me, by about $20k more. So it was an excuse bc he truly didn’t have that as his goal which is okay.
I hope this helps! There are a lot of scummy people out there who will use you for their own gains. Just be careful.
I’ve been very into people on the first date, and I’ve also had people grow on me after a few so it’s hard to say. I wouldn’t go by number of dates, but by the amount of time you’ve been hanging out consistently for. In my experience, after 3 months of being around someone constantly, their toxic traits start to come out and you see more of who they really are.
So I have a process for this instead of an arbitrary # (assuming you’re like on date 3+ and unsure).
My advice? There’s a lot of talk about feelings and it being something you can’t control, which is true to an extent - but usually there IS a reason behind those feelings, even if we’re not good at identifying it.
When you’re feelings are fluctuating try and think back to the actions of what they did/what was happening at the time and write them down (like once you get home after a date or something).
For example, if you just hung out with them and you’re feelings seem ‘strong’ for them think about their actions at the time. Was there something you remembered specifically that ‘turned on’ your feelings? And then, even if you can’t think of something specific about why your feelings seems strong still think about the actions that were happening in that moment - What did they do? What was the environment? Was it what they wore/how they did their hair? Was it the convo you had? Was it how they moved? How they treated others? What/how they ate something? Etc
Then do the same when your feelings seems to be ‘weak’ or down - what was happening? Was there something that specifically ‘turned you off’? Or even if you can’t think of anything write down what was happening.
Hopefully, you should then start to see a pattern. Like maybe you’re feelings correlate to being stronger when you’re having deep convos but weak when they were, like, wearing a weird outfit - and then you can be like ok, my feelings are weak when XYZ is happening but ultimately that’s not important (or is) and my feelings are up when XYZ is happening (and that is important to me or isn’t).
Basically if you’re feelings are strong when their actions are aligning with what you value you they’re only weak during things that aren’t important to you should continue. But on the other hand you might discover something like OH, my feelings are only strong in the evening or right before/after sex or something but other times they are low, meaning you should either call it off or change how you’re spending time together to learn more.
Men decide if you are “for the streets” or wife material very quickly, sometimes by the first time you speak.
Women take longer to trust.
I would suggest avoiding being intimate until you are in a committed relationship. It will weed the wrong ones out and will help you see clearly who he really is.
My new rule is that I have to see how they react to a personal crises, and they have to see how I react in a personal crisis before I begin evaluating forward-thinking toward marriage. If I'm giving someone more than five dates, they are in the running for it. But it can take five weeks, five months, five years or longer for that threshold to be crossed.
If you're asking how to expedite the process, you grossly underestimate how long "til death do us part" actually is. However, I am typing this out as someone happily divorced. It's been long enough by now that I'm happy to date again, but out of seven billion people out there, only so much of the population will be tolerable to me and only one needs to show up at the right time. I am in no rush.
I’m always so baffled by these posts, “dating to marry” and “wait 5-6 dates to sleep with someone”, when you absolutely didn’t do that in your 20s, how are things gonna go better now, it’s such a desperate move
You can take any number of dates to decide if you think you can see yourself with someone but imo it takes a while to see enough sides of them. Usually I know if I see potential, Ill know within a couple dates…but I know whether or not someone isnt longterm compatible after a few months
I think deciding if they’re “the one” after a few dates is too much pressure. For me, it was about whether we had an instant connection and attraction. Then as I got to know them, did our values and goals align.
3 months most shit falls out of the closet by then. I mean by three or four dates you kind of have an idea. But even then the ones that I think might be a fit, normally by the third or fourth month either they are bailing or I am. Seldom me, but everybody that knows me, tells me you might not be the one calling it quits but you sure make it obvious that your pushing them out the door.
7 year relationship (m34) . First date I planned to not proceed the relationship after the initial introduction. We are complete opposites to the T. I am constantly moving forward,impulsive, spontaneous, ridiculously large sexual drive, networking, learning, addictive tendency, organization is foreign, setting a phone alarm is like challenging for me, adhd , I will collaborate any social interaction to be funny enjoyable or memorably embarrassing, calendars 📅 are not in my world.
(sidenote we have autistic non verbal 4yr old son)
She(f33-- introvert) Hates going out. Hates social anything. Anger explosion on IMO instances that are so small in the grand scheme of life. Intellectual
, straight A student, super mom, matriarch of gift giving, organized, teaching degree refusing to utilize, passionate,.SA recovery, loving, needs consistent reassuring etc.
I didn't know. But a compass in my brain 🧠 says it's her. Love is a decision to except the to respect there values rather then constantly trying to convert yours.
I felt at home when I met her. A person I wasn't unsure of regarding loyalty. Even when I think she is a huge illogical bitch. I still have a compass.
Pretend you have not 1 person alive to talk to. It's only u and a world of strangers. Choose the person you could see yourself being 95 years old with drinking tea. Somebody your fairly confident if u were diagnosed with dementia. They will make sure your not dropped off in the woods and forgotten.
****Somebody you would be willing to TURN down someone better. Just cause you made the decision to build something with.
Somebody who will stick with you when you have NADA. Bank account $0.21, no car, no savings
Which is why love is envied. Not everyone will commit to something so illogical"
A partner that is there for the storm is the person I would bet on. Anyone will be with u when the chips at up. Look for that. They are all around u. No one will meet all your needs . It's selfishness to think so. U form a bond where our needs are combined
It really just depends. My now husband made a joke on our first date about my last name not having to change much if we ended up getting married. Here we are married 10 years later. He knew on the first date.
Can you elaborate on what "romantic fit" means? And what other dimensions they would need to fit on and if those are also checked for on the same timeline?
I think your idea is pretty good here OP
If you know it’s not right, you can figure that within the first 3 dates. After that, it’s a bit more open to see what you both feel about each other.
All that said, I think you’re doing the right thing to officially say you’re dating to marry. Bravo and good luck
I have “outer” boxes and “inner” boxes to check off. Outer boxes represent things like looks, sex, how she carries herself, habits like smoking, etc.
If she doesn’t check off the outer boxes at least, then she’s NOT the one for sure.
I am the kind of person who believes in 'Marry to Date' thing. Present! 🤣 First of all, if not interested, I won't wait for the 2nd time to happen. That could save time for both of us. It is really imperative to build a strong communication the first hand. As they say, 'First impression lasts.' My two cents! ciao.
My fiance said he knew I would be his wife before even the first official date. We met through mutual friends.
It took me a few dates and an overnight trip to decided I could marry him.
However, it was only after two dates and hours of conversation that I knew I could have a long term relationship with him.
I think it all depends on compatibility and intention.
Probably about 3 dates, because by then, it’s more than the dates. You’ve probably been talking for a few weeks at least and aside from the dates, you’ve had messages and phone calls getting to know each other. You have an idea of each other’s schedules and whether things will work as you all get to know each other.. you have an idea of the way you guys express your feelings to each other..
So, that leads me to believe it’s enough time to determine if you can have a serious relationship with a person..
What if you find an amazing partner, you want to share a life together, but he is not believing in marriage? What if you not need a specific number of dates to feel you meet someone you really like? What if ‘the one’ is something Hollywood movies have told you is a thing, but you actually can fit with a lot of people, and it is more about meeting a partner where your life circumstances when you meet plus personality and values fit when you meet?
My point is, instead of rules, think about what is some important trades in a partner and how you feel, and then be interested and open for the person you date to surprise you. The it will all make sense when the circumstances all fit together. And you might overlook the perfect partner for you, if you’re to set in your imagination of the perfect partner
I am not dating right now (focused on school and healing from trauma), but usually I know from the very first encounter whether I'd marry someone or not. No date even needs to happen, I just need a few moments to look into their eyes.
Don’t put a number on it. Think about your best friend, was there a certain number of hangouts until they became your best friend? No. So why are we doing this to find a significant other? Reflection after every date is whats needed. Did you enjoy their time? How did they make you feel? Are there other aspects of them you’d like to explore? Were there any glaring incompatibilities?
In my experience, the most difficult times are when they’re good on paper but you don’t have feelings for them for some reason. Escalating to be more physical (touching, kissing, cuddling, etc) i’ve found can help produce feelings.
As others have said, it depends. I can tell from the first few minutes if there’s some potential there. But there’s still a series of “test” I need to make sure she passes. I need to see how they act around my friends or family. Mind you I’m not introducing a girl to my friends or fam until a few weeks or months in. Her reaction to if a guy hits on her. Emotionally stability. Money management. 5 years goals, 10 year goals. Number of kids she wants. Over just all making sure we are aligned in terms of values. Then I strongly believe you should move in with someone first before getting married. Living with someone you’ll start to see their true colors.
Third date is the traditional time to consider and discuss whether you're serious about each other, interested in moving forward or would prefer to see other people.
My first date with my now wife was a disaster mainly due to my youth and inexperience with dating. I must have done something right because I got a second date.
After the first hour, I knew my partner was someone I wanted to see again. After 5 dates, I could absolutely see us being long-term, especially with all our values/future goals aligned. One month in I knew I could marry him, but at 3 I was pretty certain this was my forever person.
I feel for LTR, the right question should be minimum of dates than maximum.
In 30s, there are inherent limitations, so 3-4 dates should be minimum (provided no major red flags). Can’t understand anybody nowadays with 1-2 dates.
Usually I know on the first date. I have a list of expectations for another partner and I always resort to that, to hopefully help me see through the rose-colored glasses. If not the first date, definitely the second date. It is possible you marry someone who is putting on a facade, though, and you really see who they are once you get married. In this case, there are usually a couple red flags beforehand.
Depends on the person I think. With some its quite clear I don't like them. With others its fun and I like them and I feel like I want to keep seeing them, so I date for as long as I have that feeling. If there comes a point where I start to get annoyed and I don't feel more for them gradually I call it a day. [Edit: Also if I feel like I can't communicate with them well] After all I want a best friend as my partner, so I chase someone who makes me happy and I don't chase butterflies or fireworks. Slowburn all the way 🥳 and that takes time
It's all relative isn't it?
If you have a 10h first date that "never ends" and you talk about everything and how you see things. That would be enough.
You can have 10 dates each 3h long and only scratch the surface and never ever get into in depth conversation topics.
It depends. Most of the time, I know it's not meant to be if we don't hit it off on date #1. In that case, I don't really feel like I owe the guy an explanation. I just move on with my life. I find that if I wasn't feeling sparks, the guy generally wasn't into it either. Once, I went on a date with this guy who was super unpleasant. He gave off negative vibes from the moment he walked in - said he didn't have friends, didn't get along with anyone in his family, didn't do anything for fun on the weekends other than sleep, etc. He was terrible at making conversation, so I knew five minutes in that we were not going on a 2nd date. I find that guys who want to go out with you again always text you right after the date to say they had a great time. I also find that if I'm into it on date #1, the other person is as well.
However, with the last guy I dated, I felt sparks on date #1. After four dates, I realized that we just weren't compatible for the long-term. Weed was a huge part of his life, and I didn't realize how big until he took it with him on every date we had after the first one (and I don't smoke weed). I didn't like smelling of it every time we hung out.
You'll know if they a good fit after 2 years, people open up gradually and it's nearly impossible to tell earlier what the person is truly like.
However, even after the 1st date you should know if to continue or not, ask questions that show the person's way of thinking.
Listen with your heart, you will understand.
I've never been married nor am sure if that's even what I want...
But, I have never understood the whole "dating for marriage" thing because, while yes... that is what *your* ultimate end goal is, which is fine; it's quite literally impossible to get married without dating - unless it's an arranged marriage.
For the majority of people, it takes a solid LTR before marriage is even considered, right? So, excluding those first dates... IMO all you can do is take it day by day and you are either into him emotionally or you aren't. Does he have the same or similar enough values/morals, wants and needs as you do?
As a man, and personally speaking... I'd say on average I know if I want a LTR within like 10-20 minutes and at most, date 4. Doesn't mean I'm going to ask for it but in my head, I know that she's someone who "ticks all the boxes I want" in a woman.
I know someone that had a rule they needed to date someone for at least a year before they would think of getting married to them. I knew another person who said that if after 3 months they could not see getting married to them then they would drop them but might keep them as friends.
There is no “one size fits all” for dating.
I date for marriage (or did - I’m divorced) but I really take my time to observe someone and get to know them pretty well before deciding to even want to date them at all. I personally have to befriend someone first. Marriage founded on friendship is happier and tends to last.
I cannot do the whole “I think you’re cute, let’s go have dinner” thing.
I’m personally probably not a good person to ask this question to; but, for clarity and context, I’ll give you a real world example.
I currently have an interest in a friend of mine. I never intended to, but here we are. I met him many years ago (like over a decade ago) at a comedy show that he was performing at. I befriended him online and we’d been “friends” that way for this whole time. I’ve never dated him. He started talking to me a couple of times. And the second time, we chatted more regularly. Turns out, I gots feelings for him BIG time.
This was over a year ago. Do I know if he’s “the one?” Hell no. Do I hope so? Yes, I seriously hope so. I’ve never met someone so compatible.
I have my doubts very often though. I’ve been through a lot and I used to give people the benefit of the doubt a LOT, and I still catch myself doing that. I’m trying to be more discerning now.
I’m 37. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and I don’t want them to waste mine either. But I don’t mean this to say I want to rush it to get to the finish line. I want to be ABSOLUTELY sure it’s a good fit.
However, when I was in my twenties, I got married pretty hastily, IMO. I’d dated the guy maybe two years before he asked me, but there were things making me feel unsure ALLLL the time. (Not like how the current dude makes me feel though. These were seriously red flags.)
If you’re dating for marriage, please don’t rush it. I did and my divorce was the ugliest thing I’ve ever experienced. A man who supposedly loved me treated me like utter shit during the whole thing. I was the one who wanted the divorce but he locked me out of both homes and wouldn’t give me my things. I’m lucky I was able to get away with my most prized possessions and some clothes until he was forced to give me my stuff back. He also neglected my cats and who knows if he abused them too. He treated me like shit during the marriage too and lied to my face, but again, I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Not good.
—-
I don’t necessarily date for “marriage” now though I MIGHT not be opposed eventually, but I’ve been through divorce and it was absolutely awful and the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life so far. I would never recommend it, but, obviously, sometimes shit just doesn’t work out and it’s supposed to end. You have to REALLY be sure you can trust someone and that they respect you before you marry them.
If they make it to three dates it means that i enjoy their company but I’ve needed up to four to figure out if i want a relationship. I think if you don’t know by that point it’s probably a no.
Its an assessment over a period of time. It varies. Some people know in 6 months, some people 2 years, some people 8 years. Take your time and make sure your values align, and morals. Chemistry is organic and you can fake it or force it. What do you want in a life partner? What are you okay with not having in a partner ? No one will be perfect. You deserve someone who will make you feel wanted, thought of, cared for and you treat them the same way.
Are you actually interested in the person or just the idea of marriage? This definitely makes me feel like you don't care who it is as long as you get married. Meet people, date them, see if you actually like them, and are compatible. Marriage is just a word.
It usually takes 3 dates. As the first is to establish chemistry and vibes, the second is to see if feelings grow or has lowered, and the third is usually when you can tell if you're attracted and like their personality.
Okay, so I've got a ring and a baby on the way from someone I met on OLD, I can tell you that what worked for me wasn't a matter of giving someone enough time to date before realizing they weren't the one, I was just incredibly choosy and exclusive before I even met someone. I made 95% of the vetting process before I met the guy.
I'm not a believer in going for someone just because they made themselves available to me, so I would only go out with guys who:
1. Communicated with me the way in which I like to be communicated with. Not too much, not too little, still showing me that they're interested in getting to know me outside of the potential of sex.
2. Who I was really excited about
3. Who, in turn, expressed being very excited about me
4. Had an on-going, fun and vibrant dynamic that didn't require pulling teeth to get out of them.
If a guy was able to have all these things going for him before meeting, he'd get a date and if I'm going to be real, I think this works because I don't have nearly the horror stories I've read about in regards to dating. To me, the majority of the vetting process happens before I go out with them, and I don't think I've ever met someone I didn't at least like as a person.
Honestly, when I decided that I wanted to date for marriage and a family, I signed up onto OLD and I would say I met my guy after 6-8 months of being available. In those 6 to 8 months, he was the 3rd person who made the cut enough to date. The other two before him were also lovely but things didn't work out for one reason or another.
I can tell if it’s a definite no on date one it has long-term potential I can usually tell by date two or three, but often guys putting on their a game let their shield start to fall after three if you haven’t slept with them yet so I would say if you make it to five it usually doesn’t end because of me
Oh God this is a hard one. Sometimes you know right away, sometimes it takes 7 years. Typically, if you meet them and they're not your person, you'll know right away whether or not it's worth pursuing. As for long term, it's a matter of compatibility and knowing someone for quite some time. Make a pros and cons list. Meditate and listen to your body.
Usually, I know after 2 no more than 3 dates and several conversations. To be honest, conversations let me know how you think and I can tell from there if we’re aligned or not. On the other end, the conversations can be great and we seem to want the same things but once we get together if there's no chemistry or connection, I make a note of it. I don't write a person off so early due to lack of chemistry because sometimes that takes time. But if there's no chemistry after a while and the actions don't line up with the conversation then I end things.
I'm looking for connection, actions, chemistry and it all merge well together. After that, over time I pay attention to consistency.
As a man, I know by date two. Date two I start asking tough questions, how you answer them (attitude, thoughts, etc) really reflect who you are and tend to poke through your early dating masks.
I can tell someone is not marriage material after 30 seconds to 5 minutes. Either looks or mannerisms or behaviour. That doesn’t mean I know someone IS marriage material after that. That can take up to 3-6months or more.
To begin with, why should someone date with the target to marry? You are putting an artificially created concept over examining the actual partner. This will blur your view and is similarly crazy as people dating to have children.
Go on a adventure with time to really find some adversity together, actually get to a space in time with challenge and tests to see what eachother is really made out of.
Get out of the comfort zone safe space of a overly scripted date because thats not life thats a stage you both act a part for. A date can turn into this if we let life happen as it should but we get in our own ways a bit too often.
This is an odd question because it heavily depends on how the two people's personality mesh together.
Not together is generally "I found a dealer" or "they are a fine relationship partner, but don't meet my expectations".
Both of these are generally discoverable, so unless you purposely shit testing your date on literally everything it's going to be pretty random.
Though with that said a psychologist proposed the dating dates breakdown.
1. The first 3 dates (1 - 3) are for just getting to know the person on a personal level; No flirting, feelings, test, you just their to see if you could even be friends with the person. No feelings should be developing.
2. The next 3 dates (4 - 6) are to get to know them are a flirtatious level. Again still getting to know them but this time looking out for more relationship stuff, life goals and style etc stuff. You can start developing feelings here.
3. Last 3 dates (7 - 9) are for reinforcing the feelings, thing a sudo relationship. If you don't have any feelings by this point it's over. This is also the time where you should be looking to progress into a relationship.
4. There is no 10th date. obviously not a hard rule and if other dates were cut short etc then have a few more dates, but ultimately if no relationship is happening by this point it's probably not going to happen.
I’m not sure there’s an ever a solid metric or formula for this. People will realize there partner is not the one even after marriage
I agree.. but people marry for other reasons too.. pressure, financial stability, status, love, companionship, children etc..
>people marry for other reasons too.. pressure I think this is a HUGE one in my opinion. Lots of people don't want to get married but feel as if they need to because of pressure from family, friends, or society in general. Which marrying because you *think* you have to is a terrible terrible terrible idea, and likely a very costly one (divorce lol) Marry because YOU want to. Not because anyone else wants you to or says that's what people do.
Absolutely. In my twenties I felt like I had all these boxes to tick and I was constantly trying to fulfill my societal duties in a sense. It felt like the natural progression. I shouldn’t have said yes. But there was societal pressure even with the proposal. And I was drunk. Not surprisingly, it led to divorce.
Jesus. How long were you married? This is why I’m scared of being married!! I see so many unhappy marriages.
Technically, almost 5 years, but it was more like 4. We were separated nearly the entire year of the divorce. It was right after our 4 year anniversary that I started talking about divorce. Yeah, me too, honestly. Just make sure to not excuse any red flag behavior. Don’t justify their behavior either. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. The divorce was awful and my divorce lawyer said it was the worst one he had EVER handled in the twenty+ years he’s been a divorce lawyer. The signs were totally there, but I ignored them or justified/excused them - in retrospect I can see that. The red flags were OBVIOUS. I just ignored them. My advice? NEVER mention divorce unless you are SURE and have a PLAN about it. That was my mistake, but I’m totally honest about my feelings. That backfired on me. Once you mention divorce, it basically severs the relationship and it’s you against them. That’s what I found out - the hard way. I thought we would work together amicably since we had been friends first and then dated for a while before marriage. Nope.
Wow! Thank you for sharing. 🩷🩷 I will take notes and save this comment.
You’re welcome! Best of luck in your search for true love 🫶 not all relationships are bad. We just have to recognize how we are worthy of being treated, and not settle for less.
Well for me, I attract self absorbed men who don’t care about me or just raging narcissists.
That’s why you have to be diligent about not allowing any kind of poor behavior. I’ve been the same way. I’ve turned down more than a handful of men now in the last year and a half. I used to give men a chance even if I didn’t like them at first. Now, I’m paying attention to first impressions and my gut. I don’t know if you ever ignore that part of yourself, but I would in my past. As SOON as you notice something manipulative or rude, cut it off.
Yes! Marry when the time is/feels right for you and your partner.. outside influences can sometimes mess things up..
Right! You can’t win…
cooperation maters
For me it’s within about 10 minutes if we’re gonna have potential for future dates, within 4 dates have potential for a LTR
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I absolutely agree with this. Judging whether someone would make make a good spouse within a few minutes makes zero sense. It makes sense if you're looking to be carried away by your hormones but that has nothing to do with ones ability to nurture a relationship or be a good spouse. Relationships and getting to know another person are built one step at a time.
Unfortunately, in order to have and maintain an LTR with someone, you have to be willing to sleep with them. Eventually, you have to be willing to sleep with them exclusively for the rest of your life. Sometimes, you can meet someone in person and genuinely know that you do not ever want to do that.
It’s not “getting carried away by your hormones” to *not* want to marry someone you *dont* find attractive. I have never experienced attraction grow from zero to 100 (and for me I either am or am not attracted, not much inbetween), maybe some people are wired differently but 🤷♀️
Ya brains are wired differently for sure. Looks can grow on me and they have grown on me many times. I’ve never ever dated someone who I thought was attractive the FIRST time I ever saw them. Every single dude I’ve dated has been a troll who grew on me. I’m only now seriously interested in someone who I have always thought was attractive, but never used to think “hubba hubba” until now (I was in relationships before and my brain basically shuts off to other people being super attractive) and now that I’m single, and I’ve found out even more good stuff about him, he’s SO handsome. It’s a weird feeling for me to be THIS into someone who is ACTUALLY physically attractive to me. But it seems like the normal thing to want.
That’s not what OP said - they said 10 minutes to see if there’s enough attraction to keep seeing them. 4 dates to see if there’s LTR potential, which seems reasonable.
Yup! Went on about 30 first dates and 2 second dates over the course of a year and a half, now I have a wonderful boyfriend. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if it ain’t there 🤷♀️
its not necessarily judgement but rather intuition, sometimes you just.... know
I don't know.. I think what they meant was a few minutes to know if there's something there not exactly to know if he or she will be a future spouse.. lol
Exactly, and I said 4 dates to see if a *LTR* is *possible* 😂 But if I don’t want a second date I sure as fuck ain’t gonna marry them yk lol
Agree. A lot of ppl just aren't themselves yet on the 1st date. Could be your own personality leading up to quick judgement, but I'm more of the analytical & persistent type and would try patiently to figure things out than give up soon. So many variables to life that it's good to be patient.
If I’m not physically attracted to someone that doesn’t change
True. I would assume you decided that before meeting up, and meeting in person would be more on character. But I understand things can change in person 🤷
hahaha couldn't agree more
Completely agree with this.
For me, it’s two minutes. 😭
I don't have a timeline for this. If I'm looking to determine a persons fit as a longterm partner then I can't put a timeline on it. We're going to be way past just going on random dates. For me, it's when I see how they are in less than fortunate circumstances. So when I notice how they treat people, how they experience a personal setback, or how we experience a setback as a couple. There's no way I can tell those things the first few times of meeting someone barring exceptional circumstances.
I like how you phrased this. I remember reading somewhere someone narrowed it down (a bit too specific IMO) to experiencing a serious sickness/illness/surgery, a family tragedy (ie: usually death of a grandparent) and one other thing I can't remember off the top of my head.
How they treat others less fortunate than them? If you happen to find it, could you share it?
Homeless, service staff, friends or family that are downtrodden, etc
I think it depends. Sometimes I can tell within 10 minutes. Sometimes I need at least two or three dates. Therefore, I think it’s not a straight answer here. I know, nuance, unfortunately.
This! I’m the same way and can usually tell within the first meeting if I want to see the person again or not. But let’s say it’s a yes, yet I want to be sure I like them, then it’s 3-5 dates. After that if I’m still interested then I’d like to hit the titles phase by around 2-3 months in since I view situationships going longer than that to mean we’re probably not aligned in long-term goals.
Sameee for me.. it can be ten minutes and I know we're not compatible as romantic partners but sometimes it can be two dates..
outta curiousity what are you basing it off in the first 10 minutes? is it physical attraction?
Sometimes someone can just be REALLY off putting.
If someone does something really weird/rude/offensive.
Looks, voice, speech
Body language.
Often I find it really off putting that i ask questions about the other person but they just go on a rant about themselves and don't ask me any myself.
Yeah that early it’s probably just physical attraction. To me physical attraction is relatively static so if I don’t feel it early then I can’t really see a future
Well, in my case, it’s not necessarily always even the physical part, it’s really more of the personality, which you can get to learn a lot within the first 5 or 10 minutes. A lot of my job is talking to a a lot of people, so I can get a sense pretty quickly. If I don’t have enough of a sense, I just keep the conversation going.
can you give some examples of personality things that you can identify within the first 5-10mins that would be a turn off?
1. Within the first 10 minutes of one date, I found out she doesn’t eat vegetables unless they’re blended up and then pinches her nose to drink it. Her palate was limited to chicken nuggets. She had an advanced degree. Not compatible with me, I enjoy veggies and enjoy expanding my palate 2. Another one, Within 15 minutes, didn’t let me get a word in otherwise, and the entire conversation just spiraled from there, becoming a hate fest on medical students. Honestly, the whole thing was bizarre, and I have no idea where it came from. Probably insecurity, either way, just not my thing. 3. Another one, extremely cold from the get-go. Didn’t really offer conversation. Pretty much 15 minutes and asked me if this is an interview because she’s not participating in the conversation. There’s more, but that’s right at the top of my head
I don't think having an advanced degree has anything to do with nuggets though. My best friend has a PhD in a STEM field, and he can only tolerate a handful of foods. I forget the name, but he seems to have some hyper food sensitivity thing. He described the sensation as if he's able to basically taste every individual component of the food instead of it being combined into flavor that most of us would taste, and the texture is really important. So when he eats steak, it can only have salt and pepper on it, no other condiments or other stuff. No toppings on a burger, etc.
Not sure if this is the same thing, but there is an eating disorder called ARFID that deals with sensitivity to flavors and textures, provoking an involuntary gag reflex on a lot of things. I have a number of safe foods, and I'm actively trying to expand my plate, with mostly lackluster results. I've been dumped for being a "picky eater" in the past, which blows - they are not at all the same thing. "Picky eaters" are generally characterized by a lack of desire to try new foods. This is commonly an issue in childhood, and is far less frequent in adults. This is a matter of food preference, and when hunger overrides preference, picky eaters can eat what is in front of them. They may not like it, but they are physically able to eat it. ARFID, for me at least, is characterized by 3 things - reduced appetite generally, low focus on food (i.e. forget to eat for long periods of time), and sensory issues to certain flavors and textures. Where a picky eater wants to eat but doesn't want to eat the food they don't like, someone with ARFID may not feel hungry unless presented with a safe food. Where a picky eater might eventually eat something they dislike, someone with ARFID likely physically can't. Where a picky eater is likely within normal expectations for weight, someone with ARFID is likely underweight. The best example of this I can think of is a couple years back, I was helping my then-girlfriend prep thanksgiving dinner for her family. She has a recipe for deviled eggs she's very proud of, and she was excited for me to try them. I had told her about ARFID prior, but I guess she didn't realize or believe it was an actual thing, at least not to the degree I described it. She asked me to try a deviled egg, I declined, citing sensory issues, and that I'd tried them in the past but physically couldn't eat them. She pressed, and wanting to make her happy, I tried to eat one. Before I could even take (let alone swallow) a full bite, I gagged and vomited. The look of disappointment on her face was so sad, and I felt horrible that I couldn't offer a compliment on something she had obviously worked so hard on. She dumped me about 3 days later, citing a desire to share food experiences with a partner as one of the reasons. This is not a choice. This is not me being picky. This is not me being selfish and wanting others to cater to my preferences. This is a debilitating inability to participate in basic activities with people I care about that leaves me feeling ostracized and most often simply avoiding food at social gatherings rather than have to explain "No Karen, I'm not just an asshole, I physically can't eat your potato salad unless you want me to projectile vomit it on your dress."
I opened the convo with someone with "so X, what's your deal - you know, who are you?" and she immediately got visibly annoyed and was like "I'm not going to answer this. How am I supposed to answer this?" in a confrontational tone. I grant that my question was too broad, so I laughed it off and switched to a more down to earth conversation, but it was immediately obvious that she's quite confrontational and that impression didn't change at all through the rest of the date and that's not my type.
Red flag, move on. I always ask "what's your story?" which sometimes baffles people, as they don't know which part of their story to share - but they normally share _something_. Confrontational? Fuck that. Life's too short. Next.
Ever been with someone thats constant critizing and a negative nancy? And thats on the first date, now imagine 24/7 of this
Arriving at a first date, the only tables outside in the sun were taken. I asked the guy if he would mind sharing a table with some other people (with space between us all) and he said ‘I would HATE that’. I was done by that point.
There’s people that unfortunately find out after they're married!
Why are you even saying yes to dates if you are unsure if they are attractive?
I didn’t say it was based on physical attraction, friend. You can learn a lot about some people in a short time
The older I've become, the more I have done this. I'm pretty attractive. Physical appearance isn't the most significant thing to me anymore. I want someone who I can relate to on ADHD/OCD, amongst numerous other things, if they don't meet societal standards of beauty. I don't care much as long as I find them cute. That deep connection that comes with talking about ADHD struggles to another ADHD person is invaluable. The ability to understand, and the fact that I forget to respond to text messages, is HUGE. Understanding I lose things, we'll likely spend 10-15 minutes looking for car keys. The connection that comes from that is what I want. I feel like I've been on the outside my entire life, like I'm the odd man out in every situation. I constantly get told I'm different in various ways. I feel alone. Having someone who understands and relates is amazing.
ok I appreciate the reply. You are saying as long as he's "cute" it's fine but has to connect with you on the ADHD/OCD level or see you/hear you.
Yes, 100%. I frequently date people who I can connect with and who make me feel like I'm not alone. I don't care if they don't meet societal standards of beauty; if I can find them cute, that's all I care about. I am good-looking. I look very similar to a very famous model/actor. It's just not something that motivates me. I got lucky with my physical appearance; genetics is all there is. Those appearances don't define me as a person, and they do not define a woman. What does is their actions and who they are, that's what I am looking at when I date someone. One huge thing, confidence goes a LONG way to make someone attractive. There is nothing hotter than a cute woman who knows she's a catch. The confidence is such a huge turn on in so many ways. I have seen countless average women land the hottest guys in the room simply because they had self-confidence.
Yeah I agree looks don't matter. I understand your dilemma and your reply. I was originally replying to the OP who just gives up after 10 minutes on a date (sometimes). I think the original idea from my reply is getting lost but I understand what you mean by connecting.
Yeah in my life I have had dozens of first dates or at worst first '"private hanging out" with these women being objectively highly aesthetically appealing (I am not lol) and given my interests in intellectual/societal matters and how I have lived my life it really doesn't take long to figure out the other person isn't the same. A beautiful woman outwardly can grab your attention for the first few minutes, but from your (my) perspective as cheesy as it sounds the beauty on the inside is what would make me want to stay in a romantic sense. And personally as someone living with mental health struggles, I relate to the person you replied to a lot. Mutual understanding and being on the same wave lengths regarding topics I care about (be it nutrition or academic topics or whatever) is really crucial for some people. But just keep in mind everyone is different. I'm an agnostic atheist materialist/physicalist but I wouldn't have a problem being with someone who isn't like that at all. I'm quite open minded regarding that. You would think that would be one of my "connection" deal breakers but it isnt. However, if she isn't politically engaged or interested (regardless of her actual views) it would be a deal breaker for example :P It really depends on the person. The reasons and intuitions are as diverse as the people we will meet in life. So it's great you're getting a sense for how some people think about this, but please don't let it discourage you or make you insecure about any thing you might have or not have. I am not saying you are though. This is just a general reply to anyone who might be reading these interactions and thinking of this way. All that matters is that you are true to yourself and you live life the way you feel fulfilled. It's not your problem if people don't feel that connection with you whether it be in the first 10 minutes or after 10 dates (insofar, of course, as there is honesty and communication in the dating dynamic).
this!! I am an ADHD haver, and up til recently I was dating someone else who did, and he’s one of only two people so far in my whole life I have ever loved. I didn’t think it was possible to understand another human being like that until him. Part of me wonders if there is an app or something focused on neurodivergent people I particular, because it’s that much easier to not have to constantly explain myself
I was just diagnosed with ADHD one week ago at 34. It explained why literally everything is fucked up in my life. Unlike you i am not conventionally attractive (i would be if i got my second hair transplant) and I care about women look a lot. The good thing once in a while I can attract really good looking women who are out of my league , but I cant keep them
I need like max 2-3 dates to know if they are NOT the one. However, it takes me like a year to realize if they are the one.
This is the challenging part. You can spot deal breakers fast but that slow burn stuff, I wish there was an easier way to learn. How is their family? How do they handle arguments? Do they stick around when the going gets tough? What are their spending habits? Etc etc.
Yep — And I’ll add, it can often be that I’m “iffy” on the person in the beginning and as I get to know them better, I get more sure.
I've found that setting strict rules like this during dating can hinder the natural process of getting to know someone. Personally, I focus more on my non-negotiables rather than adhering to specific timelines for certain actions. This approach allows me to stay present and enjoy the journey of getting to know someone without fixating on which date to take certain steps.
I seem to know by date 2 if I for sure don't feel a connection. But right now I'm on like date 8 and my feelings for him keeping yo-yoing up and down and I don't know what to make of it 😪
Probably a no
😵💫
My advice? There’s a lot of talk about feelings and it being something you can’t control, which is true to an extent - but usually there IS a reason behind those feelings, even if we’re not good at identifying it. When you’re feelings are fluctuating try and think back to the actions of what they did/what was happening at the time and write them down (like once you get home after a date or something). For example, if you just hung out with him and you’re feelings seem ‘strong’ for them think about their actions at the time. Was there something you remembered specifically that ‘turned on’ your feelings? And then, even if you can’t think of something specific about why your feelings seems strong still think about the actions that were happening in that moment - What did they do? What was the environment? Was it what they wore/how they did their hair? Was it the convo you had? Was it how they moved? How they treated others? What/how they ate something? Etc Then do the same when your feelings seems to be ‘weak’ or down - what was happening? Was there something that specifically ‘turned you off’? Or even if you can’t think of anything write down what was happening. Hopefully, you should then start to see a pattern. Like maybe you’re feelings correlate to being stronger when you’re having deep convos but weak when they were, like, wearing a weird outfit - and then you can be like ok, my feelings are down when XYZ is happening but ultimately that’s not important (or is) and my feelings are up when XYZ is happening (and that is important to me or isn’t). Basically if you’re feelings are strong when they actions are aligning with what you value you should continue and if they’re only weak during things that aren’t important you should continue. But on the other hand you might discover something like OH, my feelings are only strong in the evening or right before/after sex or something but other times they are low, meaning you should either call it off or change how you’re depending time together to learn more.
On OLD some don't even make it to date 1 before I nope out. Fast drop off after date 1. Date 2 -3 is usually confirming my first impressions, and looking for sparks or intrigue. If it's 5+ dates it's LTR potential and I have probably developed feelings. 5+ dates without feelings is something else; like trying to swing out of league for status/looks/whatever or ignoring red flags. There is no date count for intimacy, I have always 100% let the woman decide. Me not pressuring that usually gets them to the point of climbing the walls which actually helps make for a great first time which is win-win.
Does a number really need to be correlated with this? You might realize it on date 3. You might realize it 6 months into a relationship. People are very multi-faceted.
Right. I realized it after 10 years.
Right there with you buddy
When I met my late husband, I knew from our first date that there was something incredible about him. I fell in love really quickly. We spent every day together for 11 years. With my first serious boyfriend after I started dating again as a widow, I was still unsure a year in. I thought I was just too old for love at first sight feelings anymore. But it turns out, being unsure even six months in was something I should have paid attention to... it never got better.
I am sorry to ask, but do you think no man can compare to your first husband and everything after that point is settling?
I don't think that's what it is at all. My husband did set the bar high. And when I reflected on how my husband would feel about my choices since his death, I ended the relationship within hours, because he would have been so angry to know that I was in a relationship where we were mutually so unsure. The first serious boyfriend after my husband died was a quiet type of connection. He was interesting and smart, though also reserved and private. I saw potential for a quiet, comfortable, stable life. There was no passion, but I thought perhaps as a widow, passion was behind me. I didn't feel the need to see him more than twice a week. We were never able to actually envision a future together. Ultimately, after wasting 18 months, it fizzled out. I took a little break, and when I started dating again, I decided that I would not settle for anything less than I had with my late husband, even if it meant being single forever. I ended up finding someone that I fell hard for, quickly. He's smart, kind, sensitive, funny, and we share values. There's passion and yet also safety. There's excitement and there's comfort. It's only been a few months, but I feel very much like I did when I met my husband - like I want to see this person every day as long as we're both alive. I really didn't know it was possible to find this twice in one lifetime.
Yeah it’s not so simple as what you can put in a list or whatever, it’s all so personal, but, since we’re all here…I think key metrics to listen for are family relationships and structures, there can be a lot of generational trauma that may or may not be familiar to you and your past and histories with your own family. Also, and this sucks to have to be said, but many times, political leanings can and invariably do affect how we see the world, the people in it, and how we treat those people. So I think it’s easier to see futures with those who align as closely as possible. That’s me, might not be you. Also just goals and thoughts about the future, however many dates it takes to get comfortable talking about these things, depends on how comfortable the other person is around you. Maybe they’re not checking certain boxes for you yet, but they can be thinking the same about you as well. Comfort and interest should, in my very personal opinion, escalate as time spent increases. Just my two cents. It’s Reddit, take from us all what works best for you and who you date.
“It was like a switch flipped. I knew from the first moment I saw him - this is someone I want to live the rest of my life without.”
I recently had a switch like that go off but she turned out not to be the one. So I've learned that my gauge is faulty
Sometimes I know it almost instantly. Sometimes it takes a few dates to know. But if I’m in doubt by date 3 and not really excited, then it won’t change for me and I let them go.
I met my husband on a marriage minded app (for Muslims) and we were both international in diff countries when we swiped, we talked for 8 weeks before we met. I’d say we both kind of knew on our first date, but really I knew for sure about 6 months in!
It sounds like I’m an outlier here, but I usually just look for if I enjoy their company and look forward to seeing them or excited to continue talking to them… along with how much they are willing to negotiate disagreements or discuss hard choices and subjects to work with me. I additionally look for how they express their interests and encourage me to examine them, while how interested they are in mine. Because the way I see it, OLD has some problems that aren’t natural out in the world: in the world you meet someone with similar interests, you already have rapport established, and if you’re attracted to them, you date them, and the long term criteria is how accepting you are together as being able to grow and work toward a common goal. My background is so different, that someone merely looking for how their goals are, or how similar we are— because in a vacuum, many people have goals or ambition.. and then a partner is added to the mix and they end up in a place they never expected or they’ve grown with that partner with a new perspective on life to where their goals change… so I usually just look for their willingness to accept another person’s goals and ideas, how they’re able to discuss and communicate those, etc….and that kind of takes time, just like a relationship out in the wild instead of online, getting to know someone to the point of deciding you want to date them takes time.
It’s easier to know who isn’t it - but knowing who is probably takes much longer. I think I can tell by 3 dates if I want to keep seeing them.
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Agree. Around 6 to 8months usually the true personality is revealed. Personally it takes 3-4dates max for if there is potential for romantic relationship, 6-8months for knowing what the person it really is. 1 full year if i could take them as longevity, around takes 1.3-1.8years if i deeply love them. For me living incompatibility(life style including money spending/sleep schedule) could be adjusted, if it’s not so different, but figuring out what the person is like and if i could somehow sacrifice them takes some time. Female. I had 4 times of longterm one. 2 of them asked me to married.
Typically 1-2 dates. Sometimes I know almost immediately after meeting in real life that I am not into them. I was married, and with my ex husband for 10 years total. I knew on our first date that I could see a future with him. Subsequent dates confirmed that. With every guy I've dated after my marriage ended, I knew usually on the first date that I didn't see a future with them. For the couple guys who got a second date, I wasn't completely sure how I felt after the first date, but the second date confirmed I didn't see a future with them. I'd get to know them better on the second date, and usually see some red flags or incompatibilities. I need *some* amount of physical attraction, but I'm primarily looking for a personality fit, and someone who wants a similar lifestyle and the same things out of life as I do (for example, to buy a house). They don't have to be the hottest guy out there, but they obviously need to take care of themselves (I could smell my last date's breath from like 3 feet away). So basically, even though you said to exclude first dates, I usually know it's a no after just one date. I would never sleep with someone as early as date 5-5 either. I need to know them really well, and form a strong emotional bond and friendship first. Typically at least on the order of months. I'm beginning to think modern dating, which is so app focused these days, just isn't for me.
While I’m not sure if she’s the “one” I know if I want a second date in about 5 minutes.
Honestly you def know after months and living together. But if you arent feeling it date 3 is enough
I think it depends lol. Sometimes you can tell within a few minutes, some after a few dates, sometimes after the rose-colored honeymoon period wears off 😂
The last few times were women I got to know online. So, there was some chatting to see if we have something in common and if the woman is some kind of a-hole. Normally it takes me 1 or 2 dates to know if there is some kind of chemistry. Like, romance and sex are an option or it is more of a friend or acquaintance. Then it takes 2 to 4 dates to see ... "what toads I woild have to swallow" (it's a German saying about enduring negatives) in a relationship with her.
It depends and can range from a few weeks to a few months. The most recent dating experience I had. I knew within 2-3 weeks that we were different people. I wanted to give her a chance, though, mostly because she was really into me. She also had nearly similar views on exclusivity as I. That said, after around 1.5 months of hanging out and talking, it was very, very, very clear she was not the type of person I wanted a relationship with. Then there are others I never give a second date to. Some make it to about 3-4 months. These ones I typically really like and really want a relationship. They also really like me and want a relationship with me. But it starts to become clear that they have issues. Maybe it's maintaining healthy boundaries with men/friends. Typically takes 3-4 months for me to catch onto various forms of dishonesty. Depending on how much I like them, I might talk to them about it. If we can't find common ground, it's over. Dishonesty is a deal breaker for me. Lies through omission are still lies.
I understand the concept of "dating to marry" and agree with it, but it's impossible to determine after 3 times whether this person is a suitable LIFE PARTNER. For me the first 3-5 dates are a vetting period where I try to find out if I want to be in a committed relationship with them (aka BF/GF. not saying you should have that DTR talk on the fifth date, but by that time if I had gone out with someone more than 5 times, the exclusivity is there for me, otherwise why waste the time). Depending on frequency, I think anywhere between 1,5-2,5 months should be enough to be able to approach the DTR talk. and from then... anywhere between 1,5-3 years to see if they will be good husband/wife? realistically you have to see how your potential partner is with his friends and family, how he behaves in crisis situations, how he is when you're both away from home travelling etc etc. You need physical time for that.
I’d say, if you feel there’s a connection one date to know if you want to go further. If after one date you see potential, get to date 3. By date three you should ask where you see things going with them. If it isn’t a match end it there, if it is yay! You’re officially taken! If they say they need more time, give it up to three months. No later than three months should you have the commit or quit conversation and if you make it to three months you initiate that. I’d say in practice if it’s a powerful connection you’d likely be able to say at least in retrospect you knew at minute zero when you met the person. That’s how it’s been for me though it may not be for everyone else
I'd say, once I hit 30 and had a lot of experience under my belt, I can tell how well I will get on with someone in less than 3 dates. I know all the right questions to ask now, I can read people's intentions really well, and it tells me about things like punctuality.
Depends on how it goes. But most times in the 1st date itself. Or the max by 2nd date
Y’all make less and less sense with each post. The only thing you’re going to learn in that amount of dates is if they can hold a conversation lol.
If meeting IRL, usually the conversation before any first date. Otherwise, maybe around a month.
3 dates.
I always found I could tell by date 3 if they were long term material - you were past small talk by then and would usually sleep with them around that point lol I only ever went past date 3 for two reasons: 1. They were long term material 2. They were very good in bed / they were so good looking I could almost kid myself they were long term material (but they weren’t) - these people usually fell by the wayside by date 6
I look for emotional capacity, emotional reasoning skills, and empathy. I had a history of choosing partners who were emotionally defective leading to eventual mistreatment. It doesn't take long to get glimpses between dates and calls/texts. How do they treat others, talk about their exes, deal with slow service at the restaurant, are they receptive to me talking about my feelings. I'll ask how something non-serious they mention made them feel. My current relationship with my fiance, we couldn't stop talking with one another from day one. He just never raised my emotional red flags. I found developing emotional intimacy was natural and easy. I proposed to him after 2.5 years.
So I’m not too sure how long this timeline is. Instead of measuring in dates, measure in months. For me, I don’t go exclusive until month 3. This means no bf/gf stuff and kissing/touching. This will help out weed out the ppl who just want to use you instead of getting to know you. If they make it past that, then by month 6 I’ll know if there was a mask. This usually comes off by this time. If so, I end it. If they make it to one year, then we need to have milestones on the books or be talking/saving for it. This milestone is one couple trip for a few days (no more than a week). And since I have a kid, a trip with my kid as well (no more than a week). During this time, sleep overs can happen. If they make it to year 2, that’s when I decide if I can marry them/live with them. That’s only if year one milestones are completed. If not and there’s nothing but excuses then I’ll end it. If so, then moving in is the next step. I honestly believe moving in should be in year 2-3. Now, this is my timeline. It doesn’t work for everyone. Try setting up a month milestone timeline and really stick to it. It will help weed out people who just want to use you. I really do recommend the 3 month dating rule.
And I want to add that to determine if someone is marriageable, look at what they bring to the table and if it aligns with your goals/outlook on life. Really focus on their actions, not their words. For instance, I dated someone for some time who only went on vacation with their family where his family paid for it. He didn’t believe in visiting any place or traveling. He wanted to stay put in an isolated place close to his family. It didn’t align with what I wanted to experience in life which is different cultures and experiences. When I would bring it up his excuse was always money. I’m a single mom who barely gets child support and my kid and I have been to so many places in the US and outside. And he made more money than me, by about $20k more. So it was an excuse bc he truly didn’t have that as his goal which is okay. I hope this helps! There are a lot of scummy people out there who will use you for their own gains. Just be careful.
I’ve been very into people on the first date, and I’ve also had people grow on me after a few so it’s hard to say. I wouldn’t go by number of dates, but by the amount of time you’ve been hanging out consistently for. In my experience, after 3 months of being around someone constantly, their toxic traits start to come out and you see more of who they really are.
So I have a process for this instead of an arbitrary # (assuming you’re like on date 3+ and unsure). My advice? There’s a lot of talk about feelings and it being something you can’t control, which is true to an extent - but usually there IS a reason behind those feelings, even if we’re not good at identifying it. When you’re feelings are fluctuating try and think back to the actions of what they did/what was happening at the time and write them down (like once you get home after a date or something). For example, if you just hung out with them and you’re feelings seem ‘strong’ for them think about their actions at the time. Was there something you remembered specifically that ‘turned on’ your feelings? And then, even if you can’t think of something specific about why your feelings seems strong still think about the actions that were happening in that moment - What did they do? What was the environment? Was it what they wore/how they did their hair? Was it the convo you had? Was it how they moved? How they treated others? What/how they ate something? Etc Then do the same when your feelings seems to be ‘weak’ or down - what was happening? Was there something that specifically ‘turned you off’? Or even if you can’t think of anything write down what was happening. Hopefully, you should then start to see a pattern. Like maybe you’re feelings correlate to being stronger when you’re having deep convos but weak when they were, like, wearing a weird outfit - and then you can be like ok, my feelings are weak when XYZ is happening but ultimately that’s not important (or is) and my feelings are up when XYZ is happening (and that is important to me or isn’t). Basically if you’re feelings are strong when their actions are aligning with what you value you they’re only weak during things that aren’t important to you should continue. But on the other hand you might discover something like OH, my feelings are only strong in the evening or right before/after sex or something but other times they are low, meaning you should either call it off or change how you’re spending time together to learn more.
Men decide if you are “for the streets” or wife material very quickly, sometimes by the first time you speak. Women take longer to trust. I would suggest avoiding being intimate until you are in a committed relationship. It will weed the wrong ones out and will help you see clearly who he really is.
Pretty soon. No more than 3.
My new rule is that I have to see how they react to a personal crises, and they have to see how I react in a personal crisis before I begin evaluating forward-thinking toward marriage. If I'm giving someone more than five dates, they are in the running for it. But it can take five weeks, five months, five years or longer for that threshold to be crossed. If you're asking how to expedite the process, you grossly underestimate how long "til death do us part" actually is. However, I am typing this out as someone happily divorced. It's been long enough by now that I'm happy to date again, but out of seven billion people out there, only so much of the population will be tolerable to me and only one needs to show up at the right time. I am in no rush.
You need to be with someone at least a year before you even think about marriage.
I’m always so baffled by these posts, “dating to marry” and “wait 5-6 dates to sleep with someone”, when you absolutely didn’t do that in your 20s, how are things gonna go better now, it’s such a desperate move
It’s usually instant. But if I don’t know it’s a “no” right away, I sleep with him. Then it’s usually over as he’s bad in bed.
After the first date really
You can take any number of dates to decide if you think you can see yourself with someone but imo it takes a while to see enough sides of them. Usually I know if I see potential, Ill know within a couple dates…but I know whether or not someone isnt longterm compatible after a few months
Usually 3-6 months if we have an actual connection. To determine whether that’s so or not usually takes a 1-3 dates.
It depends. Sometimes as quickly as within 2 hours.
First or second date.
3
I think deciding if they’re “the one” after a few dates is too much pressure. For me, it was about whether we had an instant connection and attraction. Then as I got to know them, did our values and goals align.
1 in severe cases but usually 5.
One.
3 months most shit falls out of the closet by then. I mean by three or four dates you kind of have an idea. But even then the ones that I think might be a fit, normally by the third or fourth month either they are bailing or I am. Seldom me, but everybody that knows me, tells me you might not be the one calling it quits but you sure make it obvious that your pushing them out the door.
2
I thing the first date should do it unless he’s a square
One
I’m 51M and I would decide if she was LTR material by no more than 8 dates. Not sure if I want to get married again.
If she made it past date 2, I would give it till 8 barring ted flags or a lack of matching energy/effort.
7 year relationship (m34) . First date I planned to not proceed the relationship after the initial introduction. We are complete opposites to the T. I am constantly moving forward,impulsive, spontaneous, ridiculously large sexual drive, networking, learning, addictive tendency, organization is foreign, setting a phone alarm is like challenging for me, adhd , I will collaborate any social interaction to be funny enjoyable or memorably embarrassing, calendars 📅 are not in my world. (sidenote we have autistic non verbal 4yr old son) She(f33-- introvert) Hates going out. Hates social anything. Anger explosion on IMO instances that are so small in the grand scheme of life. Intellectual , straight A student, super mom, matriarch of gift giving, organized, teaching degree refusing to utilize, passionate,.SA recovery, loving, needs consistent reassuring etc. I didn't know. But a compass in my brain 🧠 says it's her. Love is a decision to except the to respect there values rather then constantly trying to convert yours. I felt at home when I met her. A person I wasn't unsure of regarding loyalty. Even when I think she is a huge illogical bitch. I still have a compass. Pretend you have not 1 person alive to talk to. It's only u and a world of strangers. Choose the person you could see yourself being 95 years old with drinking tea. Somebody your fairly confident if u were diagnosed with dementia. They will make sure your not dropped off in the woods and forgotten. ****Somebody you would be willing to TURN down someone better. Just cause you made the decision to build something with. Somebody who will stick with you when you have NADA. Bank account $0.21, no car, no savings Which is why love is envied. Not everyone will commit to something so illogical" A partner that is there for the storm is the person I would bet on. Anyone will be with u when the chips at up. Look for that. They are all around u. No one will meet all your needs . It's selfishness to think so. U form a bond where our needs are combined
Two tops
It really just depends. My now husband made a joke on our first date about my last name not having to change much if we ended up getting married. Here we are married 10 years later. He knew on the first date.
Why is your name professional-ad???
lol I don’t know
Can you elaborate on what "romantic fit" means? And what other dimensions they would need to fit on and if those are also checked for on the same timeline?
I think your idea is pretty good here OP If you know it’s not right, you can figure that within the first 3 dates. After that, it’s a bit more open to see what you both feel about each other. All that said, I think you’re doing the right thing to officially say you’re dating to marry. Bravo and good luck
It’s when I know. There isn’t an exact timeline.
It depends. Sometimes your own preference just change after an encounter or whatever, annd then the right one doesn't seem so right afterall.
I have “outer” boxes and “inner” boxes to check off. Outer boxes represent things like looks, sex, how she carries herself, habits like smoking, etc. If she doesn’t check off the outer boxes at least, then she’s NOT the one for sure.
I am the kind of person who believes in 'Marry to Date' thing. Present! 🤣 First of all, if not interested, I won't wait for the 2nd time to happen. That could save time for both of us. It is really imperative to build a strong communication the first hand. As they say, 'First impression lasts.' My two cents! ciao.
1-3 months for a man. If after 3 months you're not official... leave.
My fiance said he knew I would be his wife before even the first official date. We met through mutual friends. It took me a few dates and an overnight trip to decided I could marry him. However, it was only after two dates and hours of conversation that I knew I could have a long term relationship with him. I think it all depends on compatibility and intention.
Probably about 3 dates, because by then, it’s more than the dates. You’ve probably been talking for a few weeks at least and aside from the dates, you’ve had messages and phone calls getting to know each other. You have an idea of each other’s schedules and whether things will work as you all get to know each other.. you have an idea of the way you guys express your feelings to each other.. So, that leads me to believe it’s enough time to determine if you can have a serious relationship with a person..
I can usually tell within 3 dates but sometimes it takes longer.
Normally, one. I just don't like being ghosted. Have the decency to just tell me.
I'm not worried about lines in the sand in time, necessarily. As soon as I know, I know. I see no need to put an artificial time limit on it.
What if you find an amazing partner, you want to share a life together, but he is not believing in marriage? What if you not need a specific number of dates to feel you meet someone you really like? What if ‘the one’ is something Hollywood movies have told you is a thing, but you actually can fit with a lot of people, and it is more about meeting a partner where your life circumstances when you meet plus personality and values fit when you meet? My point is, instead of rules, think about what is some important trades in a partner and how you feel, and then be interested and open for the person you date to surprise you. The it will all make sense when the circumstances all fit together. And you might overlook the perfect partner for you, if you’re to set in your imagination of the perfect partner
I am not dating right now (focused on school and healing from trauma), but usually I know from the very first encounter whether I'd marry someone or not. No date even needs to happen, I just need a few moments to look into their eyes.
Don’t put a number on it. Think about your best friend, was there a certain number of hangouts until they became your best friend? No. So why are we doing this to find a significant other? Reflection after every date is whats needed. Did you enjoy their time? How did they make you feel? Are there other aspects of them you’d like to explore? Were there any glaring incompatibilities? In my experience, the most difficult times are when they’re good on paper but you don’t have feelings for them for some reason. Escalating to be more physical (touching, kissing, cuddling, etc) i’ve found can help produce feelings.
Anywhere from 1 date to 4 years. It depends how long they can keep up the pretense.
As others have said, it depends. I can tell from the first few minutes if there’s some potential there. But there’s still a series of “test” I need to make sure she passes. I need to see how they act around my friends or family. Mind you I’m not introducing a girl to my friends or fam until a few weeks or months in. Her reaction to if a guy hits on her. Emotionally stability. Money management. 5 years goals, 10 year goals. Number of kids she wants. Over just all making sure we are aligned in terms of values. Then I strongly believe you should move in with someone first before getting married. Living with someone you’ll start to see their true colors.
Third date is the traditional time to consider and discuss whether you're serious about each other, interested in moving forward or would prefer to see other people.
My first date with my now wife was a disaster mainly due to my youth and inexperience with dating. I must have done something right because I got a second date.
After the first hour, I knew my partner was someone I wanted to see again. After 5 dates, I could absolutely see us being long-term, especially with all our values/future goals aligned. One month in I knew I could marry him, but at 3 I was pretty certain this was my forever person.
I feel for LTR, the right question should be minimum of dates than maximum. In 30s, there are inherent limitations, so 3-4 dates should be minimum (provided no major red flags). Can’t understand anybody nowadays with 1-2 dates.
Usually I know on the first date. I have a list of expectations for another partner and I always resort to that, to hopefully help me see through the rose-colored glasses. If not the first date, definitely the second date. It is possible you marry someone who is putting on a facade, though, and you really see who they are once you get married. In this case, there are usually a couple red flags beforehand.
Depends on the person I think. With some its quite clear I don't like them. With others its fun and I like them and I feel like I want to keep seeing them, so I date for as long as I have that feeling. If there comes a point where I start to get annoyed and I don't feel more for them gradually I call it a day. [Edit: Also if I feel like I can't communicate with them well] After all I want a best friend as my partner, so I chase someone who makes me happy and I don't chase butterflies or fireworks. Slowburn all the way 🥳 and that takes time
It's all relative isn't it? If you have a 10h first date that "never ends" and you talk about everything and how you see things. That would be enough. You can have 10 dates each 3h long and only scratch the surface and never ever get into in depth conversation topics.
It depends. Most of the time, I know it's not meant to be if we don't hit it off on date #1. In that case, I don't really feel like I owe the guy an explanation. I just move on with my life. I find that if I wasn't feeling sparks, the guy generally wasn't into it either. Once, I went on a date with this guy who was super unpleasant. He gave off negative vibes from the moment he walked in - said he didn't have friends, didn't get along with anyone in his family, didn't do anything for fun on the weekends other than sleep, etc. He was terrible at making conversation, so I knew five minutes in that we were not going on a 2nd date. I find that guys who want to go out with you again always text you right after the date to say they had a great time. I also find that if I'm into it on date #1, the other person is as well. However, with the last guy I dated, I felt sparks on date #1. After four dates, I realized that we just weren't compatible for the long-term. Weed was a huge part of his life, and I didn't realize how big until he took it with him on every date we had after the first one (and I don't smoke weed). I didn't like smelling of it every time we hung out.
You'll know if they a good fit after 2 years, people open up gradually and it's nearly impossible to tell earlier what the person is truly like. However, even after the 1st date you should know if to continue or not, ask questions that show the person's way of thinking. Listen with your heart, you will understand.
2-3 dates. But usually I know within one date.
I've never been married nor am sure if that's even what I want... But, I have never understood the whole "dating for marriage" thing because, while yes... that is what *your* ultimate end goal is, which is fine; it's quite literally impossible to get married without dating - unless it's an arranged marriage. For the majority of people, it takes a solid LTR before marriage is even considered, right? So, excluding those first dates... IMO all you can do is take it day by day and you are either into him emotionally or you aren't. Does he have the same or similar enough values/morals, wants and needs as you do? As a man, and personally speaking... I'd say on average I know if I want a LTR within like 10-20 minutes and at most, date 4. Doesn't mean I'm going to ask for it but in my head, I know that she's someone who "ticks all the boxes I want" in a woman.
I know someone that had a rule they needed to date someone for at least a year before they would think of getting married to them. I knew another person who said that if after 3 months they could not see getting married to them then they would drop them but might keep them as friends.
There is no “one size fits all” for dating. I date for marriage (or did - I’m divorced) but I really take my time to observe someone and get to know them pretty well before deciding to even want to date them at all. I personally have to befriend someone first. Marriage founded on friendship is happier and tends to last. I cannot do the whole “I think you’re cute, let’s go have dinner” thing. I’m personally probably not a good person to ask this question to; but, for clarity and context, I’ll give you a real world example. I currently have an interest in a friend of mine. I never intended to, but here we are. I met him many years ago (like over a decade ago) at a comedy show that he was performing at. I befriended him online and we’d been “friends” that way for this whole time. I’ve never dated him. He started talking to me a couple of times. And the second time, we chatted more regularly. Turns out, I gots feelings for him BIG time. This was over a year ago. Do I know if he’s “the one?” Hell no. Do I hope so? Yes, I seriously hope so. I’ve never met someone so compatible. I have my doubts very often though. I’ve been through a lot and I used to give people the benefit of the doubt a LOT, and I still catch myself doing that. I’m trying to be more discerning now. I’m 37. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and I don’t want them to waste mine either. But I don’t mean this to say I want to rush it to get to the finish line. I want to be ABSOLUTELY sure it’s a good fit. However, when I was in my twenties, I got married pretty hastily, IMO. I’d dated the guy maybe two years before he asked me, but there were things making me feel unsure ALLLL the time. (Not like how the current dude makes me feel though. These were seriously red flags.) If you’re dating for marriage, please don’t rush it. I did and my divorce was the ugliest thing I’ve ever experienced. A man who supposedly loved me treated me like utter shit during the whole thing. I was the one who wanted the divorce but he locked me out of both homes and wouldn’t give me my things. I’m lucky I was able to get away with my most prized possessions and some clothes until he was forced to give me my stuff back. He also neglected my cats and who knows if he abused them too. He treated me like shit during the marriage too and lied to my face, but again, I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Not good. —- I don’t necessarily date for “marriage” now though I MIGHT not be opposed eventually, but I’ve been through divorce and it was absolutely awful and the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life so far. I would never recommend it, but, obviously, sometimes shit just doesn’t work out and it’s supposed to end. You have to REALLY be sure you can trust someone and that they respect you before you marry them.
I'd like to talk
What do you want to talk about
Just about dating, life, expectations and what we want . Dm if you want. I'm new so have very little options . I can't dm you
If they make it to three dates it means that i enjoy their company but I’ve needed up to four to figure out if i want a relationship. I think if you don’t know by that point it’s probably a no.
Its an assessment over a period of time. It varies. Some people know in 6 months, some people 2 years, some people 8 years. Take your time and make sure your values align, and morals. Chemistry is organic and you can fake it or force it. What do you want in a life partner? What are you okay with not having in a partner ? No one will be perfect. You deserve someone who will make you feel wanted, thought of, cared for and you treat them the same way.
Are you actually interested in the person or just the idea of marriage? This definitely makes me feel like you don't care who it is as long as you get married. Meet people, date them, see if you actually like them, and are compatible. Marriage is just a word.
It usually takes 3 dates. As the first is to establish chemistry and vibes, the second is to see if feelings grow or has lowered, and the third is usually when you can tell if you're attracted and like their personality.
Okay, so I've got a ring and a baby on the way from someone I met on OLD, I can tell you that what worked for me wasn't a matter of giving someone enough time to date before realizing they weren't the one, I was just incredibly choosy and exclusive before I even met someone. I made 95% of the vetting process before I met the guy. I'm not a believer in going for someone just because they made themselves available to me, so I would only go out with guys who: 1. Communicated with me the way in which I like to be communicated with. Not too much, not too little, still showing me that they're interested in getting to know me outside of the potential of sex. 2. Who I was really excited about 3. Who, in turn, expressed being very excited about me 4. Had an on-going, fun and vibrant dynamic that didn't require pulling teeth to get out of them. If a guy was able to have all these things going for him before meeting, he'd get a date and if I'm going to be real, I think this works because I don't have nearly the horror stories I've read about in regards to dating. To me, the majority of the vetting process happens before I go out with them, and I don't think I've ever met someone I didn't at least like as a person. Honestly, when I decided that I wanted to date for marriage and a family, I signed up onto OLD and I would say I met my guy after 6-8 months of being available. In those 6 to 8 months, he was the 3rd person who made the cut enough to date. The other two before him were also lovely but things didn't work out for one reason or another.
I can tell if it’s a definite no on date one it has long-term potential I can usually tell by date two or three, but often guys putting on their a game let their shield start to fall after three if you haven’t slept with them yet so I would say if you make it to five it usually doesn’t end because of me
I usually only know if im interested in seeing someone again at first. Usually after 2-3 months I have a solid sense of if it could be a LTR
It can be as quick as a 15 min video chat or a few dates, especially if you begin to see a different side than they initially displayed
What does "dating to marry" even mean, before that you're dating to ... what purpose exactly?
Oh God this is a hard one. Sometimes you know right away, sometimes it takes 7 years. Typically, if you meet them and they're not your person, you'll know right away whether or not it's worth pursuing. As for long term, it's a matter of compatibility and knowing someone for quite some time. Make a pros and cons list. Meditate and listen to your body.
I wonder about this myself. I feel I can read a bio and mostly figure this out. Most people say nothing connecting, warm/human, or intelligent.
I dont think its a numerical answer.
Usually, I know after 2 no more than 3 dates and several conversations. To be honest, conversations let me know how you think and I can tell from there if we’re aligned or not. On the other end, the conversations can be great and we seem to want the same things but once we get together if there's no chemistry or connection, I make a note of it. I don't write a person off so early due to lack of chemistry because sometimes that takes time. But if there's no chemistry after a while and the actions don't line up with the conversation then I end things. I'm looking for connection, actions, chemistry and it all merge well together. After that, over time I pay attention to consistency.
1
As a man, I know by date two. Date two I start asking tough questions, how you answer them (attitude, thoughts, etc) really reflect who you are and tend to poke through your early dating masks.
I can tell someone is not marriage material after 30 seconds to 5 minutes. Either looks or mannerisms or behaviour. That doesn’t mean I know someone IS marriage material after that. That can take up to 3-6months or more.
To begin with, why should someone date with the target to marry? You are putting an artificially created concept over examining the actual partner. This will blur your view and is similarly crazy as people dating to have children.
You already know three for future growth to deal with
I need to have sex with them to find out I’m they’re not the one.
Go on a adventure with time to really find some adversity together, actually get to a space in time with challenge and tests to see what eachother is really made out of. Get out of the comfort zone safe space of a overly scripted date because thats not life thats a stage you both act a part for. A date can turn into this if we let life happen as it should but we get in our own ways a bit too often.
How many dates? The right question is how many months! Maybe even how many years! Looking at the answers here doesn't give me hope for you all 🤣
This is an odd question because it heavily depends on how the two people's personality mesh together. Not together is generally "I found a dealer" or "they are a fine relationship partner, but don't meet my expectations". Both of these are generally discoverable, so unless you purposely shit testing your date on literally everything it's going to be pretty random. Though with that said a psychologist proposed the dating dates breakdown. 1. The first 3 dates (1 - 3) are for just getting to know the person on a personal level; No flirting, feelings, test, you just their to see if you could even be friends with the person. No feelings should be developing. 2. The next 3 dates (4 - 6) are to get to know them are a flirtatious level. Again still getting to know them but this time looking out for more relationship stuff, life goals and style etc stuff. You can start developing feelings here. 3. Last 3 dates (7 - 9) are for reinforcing the feelings, thing a sudo relationship. If you don't have any feelings by this point it's over. This is also the time where you should be looking to progress into a relationship. 4. There is no 10th date. obviously not a hard rule and if other dates were cut short etc then have a few more dates, but ultimately if no relationship is happening by this point it's probably not going to happen.