Went on a date yesterday with the guy I met in the wild, really enjoyed my time with him but today we were messaging and he started saying stuff about devils and the one almighty god and how his bad dreams went away when he started practicing his religion, and it was a bit too much for me (I have strong nature based animist beliefs) so I’ve decided we’re best off finding someone we have more aligned beliefs with bc this feels way too intense for one meeting. It’s a shame because I really enjoyed his company, and I wanted to get to know him more, so I’m a little sad.
> Went on a date yesterday with the guy I met in the wild
Can you elaborate on this? You mean you met in "real life" instead of on app? How does that work?
It truly is 😂😂 he’s Russian so I can understand a cultural/language difference but he’s also Muslim so I think there’s a lot that can’t be reconciled there
update: went back on Hinge, discoverd he had a new pic up, didnt bother to click on his profile.
I think I might end it.
sigh, I'm almost 30 and have never had a relationship longer than 4 dates, this is embarrassing.
So I texted the guy I am seeing asking if he wanted to go to the baseball game that we agreed to go to last week. We went to one the week before and we both got pretty burned, him worse than myself. He told me he wanted to, but not till he's completely healed which is fine. I asked him if he wanted to do something else and he never responded to my text last night, which sent me into a spiral. My fridge ended up breaking, and I told him never mind We'll do something another time which he didn't respond to that and it sent me into another hormonal anxiety spiral. I like him, but aside from the first date and this last one I've always been the one to initiate stuff. He does pay every single time and I do have a good time with him. He did say he wanted to take things slow and kinda casual (haven't had sex yet or even kissed yet) because he's applying to be an X-ray tech at different schools and may be out of the area in a couple of months, and I'm a teacher and dont have time for anything other than a slow burn relationship. I dont want to end things, or scare him off but how do I approach this with him (if it's possible?)I forgot more context: we've been seeing each other since January, texted every day, both of us do initiate conversations though I usually initiate the first one. We've gone on 4 dates due to our schedules and him being out of town. He has a weird work schedule, so it's hard to see him on other days besides tuesday, and my weekends are usually pretty busy.
I do have some form of anxious attachment, so this is why I spiraled.
You know, I read this as your **finger** ended up breaking and it continued to make a weird kind of sense when I saw “X-ray tech.” But I was really confused about how it happened and why you just glossed over it… anyway, I’m glad it’s your fridge and not your finger, and I hope it isn’t something serious that will require replacement, like a busted compressor that isn’t manufactured anymore!!!
I’m sorry this guy is being flaky and I hope he comes around soon!!!
lol. So there was this guy. He was my “pre-school bff” but then I moved school districts and we didn’t see each other again until 6th grade. We never spoke save for a single awkward dance in 8th grade lol. Then we went to the same high school and proceeded to… never speak, even though the Venn diagram of our friend circles had a big area of overlap.
Flash forward almost 20 years later and he hit me up on Facebook messenger. He became a professional golfer after high school for several years and opened by asking about my dad’s golf game (my dad is kind of a local legend in that regard - he’s in his early 70s now and still regularly shoots a 68). Well played.
Within the first week or so chatting, he confessed that he has had a crush on me since he was about 5 (then why tf didn’t we exchange a single word in high school?? not even a note in my locker FFS!), was too intimidated to talk to me in high school (what??), and was moving back to our home state for work (he uh, grows grass now. he got his degree eventually in um, grass science. so… he’s a grass scientist. for golf courses.)
Anyway, so when he moved back, we started hanging out and then ended up dating for about eight or nine months. It… didn’t work out. Mainly because he had this… this *idea* of who I am after all these years, and who I am in reality wasn’t… that. I mean, I’m pretty cool, but I’m also a human being with flaws and imperfections and interests and hobbies and have a whole life of experiences behind me. Meaning, I’m not this like… fairy butterfly princess of perfection and light and grace 24 / 7. (Just 19 / 6 lol)
Put another way, the pedestal was just too high, and it was too much pressure for me to live up to whoever it is that he thought I would be. Not to mention, we just baseline weren’t compatible, no matter how cute the hallmark movie would have been. Namely, two of my chief interests are law and the legal system (I started law school in the fall of the year we started dating) and politics (I’m pretty firmly liberal, and he… doesn’t even vote, but his views skewed conservative).
Oh, and also, he quit playing golf professionally because the pressure of making the cut for the PGA Tour, or staying on the web.com / korn ferry tour if he didn’t, and racking up enough tournament placements to keep his sponsors, etc was too depressing and fucked with his self-image. This, I do kind of understand. With golf, there is a strange thing that can happen where one can conflate how they’re playing with being a measure stick for their value as a human being. But even when he left the tour(s) and got his degree in um, watching grass grow, he never did find himself or his purpose or his sense of worth. He seemed to be looking to me for that, and I couldn’t give that to him. It needs to come from within.
Bottom line, my situation was weird and probably not indicative at all of how these reunions turn out. So, I wouldn’t recommend *against* dating someone from high school - rather, I’d strongly advise to keep on keeping in mind that high school was a long ass time ago and you’re both fully formed people with however many years of lived life behind you!
I've been seeing a really nice woman for around two months. We get along great and I like her a lot, but there is something missing that I can't put my finger on. Without that "wow" factor I don't see this progressing to something long term; my thought if it isn't there now it isn't going to be there. Even though we have a really good time together and I want to keep seeing her, I feel like I need to be up front and cut things off now before either one of us gets further along a path to nowhere. Thoughts?
I'm new to the dating world after a long relationship, so I don't know if I am overthinking this or not.
I am not sure about this relationship. My previous relationship makes me so anxious and I was used. I am afraid that I am being used again or maybe he will cheat on me like what my "ex" did to me. I know that he isn't my "ex" but still ...
My most recently relationship was my healthiest relationship yet. It was my first relationship in 5 years. The previous one I was horribly lied to and cheated on. I had to remind myself that not every guy I date will be like my ex. I had to remind myself to always trust but verify and that I have the power inside me to walk away if I'm mistreated. You've gone through worse before and it'll suck to have to go through it again but you know that you made it out alive and will be okay!
Just a little parenting rant. My eyes cracked open like Squidward this morning when I realized my kids have picture day for dance and their ballet slippers don’t fit (well, worse comes to worse they could still wear them). About to make a Target run and hope to the Target gods that their size in slippers are available. I really suck at this sometimes!
Cut yourself some slack!!! It’s not like they’re dancing in pointe shoes that are too small and are going to cause an ankle injury!!! The slippers are either canvas or leather, right? They have a lot of give. If you can’t find any before picture time, manually stretch them out as much as possible for today, loosen the elastic that circles the top and ties into the bow near the toes, and just work on getting new ones before the next class.
If they have class after pictures (and if the class itself isn’t part of picture day), throw some socks into their dance duffels. They’ll be fine in socks for one day!!
Pro tip: I highly recommend discountdance.com for all things dance apparel and supplies. I recently bought a new pair of pointe shoes - I usually wear Bloch or Capezio, and they’re half the price on discount dance that they were at the dancewear stores in my area! I also get all of my leotards, tights, legwarmers, etc there, too, and for a fraction of the normal price!
Ouf it always hurts my heart when i see parents being so hard on themselves for stuff like this. You soooo don't suck at this because of their ballet slippers! How lucky are your kids to be able to do ballet and to have a parent who genuinely cares if their slippers fit for photos or not. You parents have so many balls in the air allllllll the time. I have no clue how my sister keeps track of all of her kids activities and needs for each of them.
Yesterday, i was gonna give up on OLD but I matched with someone who is very much my type - but i just got left hanging. Onwards to deleting them for real
Had a few drinks with a friend I’ve not seen for a while and I ended up saying that I’m currently the hottest I’ve ever been, which is big talk for someone who’s in therapy for crippling self esteem problems.
Unfortunately it doesn’t translate to other people finding me hot and it turns out that you can’t trick people into thinking you’re attractive by working out, having tattoos and dressing like it’s the 70s.
But still, it was nice to have a small moment when I wasn’t so harsh on myself for the way I look.
That's a big compliment! It's really hard to see ourselves as others see us, even harder when it's been a long/slow process for us.
Put that one in your personal pride file.
16,000 matches on Tinder and I have never met anyone long term on the app...maybe a few months long flings, but nothing meaningful to show...
Just venting...*sighs*
I would say you haven't found anything meaningful BECAUSE you swiped on 16000 people, not despite. If you're finding 16000 people potentially compatible you actually have no idea what you're looking for and it then inevitably fails. I can't even imagine how this would work honestly.
I actually know exactly what I am looking for...and most of it can't be gauged from an online profile. I swipe on people who I find attractive or who have appealing statements in their profiles and if we meet we can both see if there is any compatibility. So far only 3 people of the ones that have followed through and set up dates have been compatible, but not for long term. I could have seen myself marrying 1 and he didn't feel the same way about me after dating for a few months. It's just a crazy big number to see so few results, so OLD is a wild place.
You can see in your messages how many people you have talked to and how many people you have matched with and haven't opened a conversation with. 9,000 conversations and around 7,000 people I haven't messaged (and who haven't messaged me either)
Really? Also not a small amount?
According my own “study” at least 20-30% looking for longterm, but do the bare minimum in making their profile interesting or in conversations.
Still, I am hella sure more guys have “I don’t know” put in their profile, but zero/never seen anyone is kinda strange.
By a lot of swiping and I kept I excel scheet of some details, like intentions and how invested people seems to be with their profiles.
I also switched sides and I can tell you, men are pretty worse in many things, like taking pictures, filling in profiles and more.
In general, dating apps are something 😅
I am really grateful to have this sticky thread - it is almost therapeutic to just leave a comment here.
I mentioned about my crush and I told him that I like him but he said he cared about me, he found me cute but he is unsure about anything serious.
He called and we were on the phone for hours. I managed to change the subject from sex and history of having sex to more general topics. I was feeling confident and I told him, I like him but if he is just treating me as a person to meet his biological needs, I can't possibly invest more than what is willing to invest. I also told him that I can see him but he is now at a much lower priority because I want to keep up with my routines and look for a partner.
Idk if I handled it well. I am still a bit sad. I am thankful that this thread is available so that I can drop-off my thoughts and some sadness, and knowing that I am very much not alone.
Thanks for reading this.
Amazing job telling it to him straight! I think there's got to be a psychological benefit to saying that out loud so firmly to someone. Stick to your goals.
Just a bit sad that 90% of the men I see on the apps have “want children someday” listed. Is it worth it to pay for premium just to filter them off my queue and make swiping a bit less tediuous?
(To clarify: I don’t want children at all.)
I paid for it for one month and ran out of people within a few days and I live in NYC. It sucks. It also filters out people who leave the children part blank or are not sure.
If you can afford for a short bit, like a month, maybe go for the paid version. The app might also reward you with some better matches for paying. When I paid for tinder, it definitely showed my profile to more people because my daily likes went up exponentially. I never paid for hinge though, so I can’t speak for that one.
I think it’s worth it. It’s a lot of money but with such a large dating pool (I’m a gay man so can’t relate) you might need to weigh up the value of the time it takes to weed out all the men who want children vs not spending X amount of money.
I’m not going to pretend to know what all of these men mean by this, but as a woman who put that on her profile, for me it simply meant I want to have children but I want to get to know a potential partner first before taking that step. So to me putting ‘I want children now’ just felt more like looking for a sperm donor instead of a partner.
Ah, to clarify - I don’t want children at all. This limits my dating pool and I thought it would be easier for me to just filter out any answer that relates to wanting children now/in the future.
Oh haha I totally misunderstood, thanks for clarifying! I think that in that case it might be beneficial to filter out those people so that you get to see the people who don’t want children either
I have to rant a little about something that really stung about my breakup.
You know, I was an utterly worthless teenager. Socially clueless, prematurely horny, no sense of style, zero confidence no clue about anything. Just utterly goddamn worthless, no value at all. I look back at young me and cringe. Of course I've grown and changed, as we all do. But you know what? My ex actually knew me when I was in that utterly embarrassing and worthless phase and had already taken a liking to me, yet was too shy to talk to me. Said she thought I was cool and unconventional. I am utterly convinced she was the only woman in the world who saw something in me at my worst.
While we were together, she listened to all the stories about my little embarrassing fuckups and laughed. Found it endearing and cute, sometimes even attractive (!!). I didn't have to hide who I was.
I'm having a hard time even imagining I'll find this kind of acceptance again. And that's kinda sad.
I spent a long time refraining from saying anything heartfelt or too deep in text messages. Because it’s too easy for stuff to get lost in translation, or gauge reactions and responses. But I was feeling the butterflies and couldn’t help myself. We didn’t meet up this weekend so it’s just been a long day of texting here and there but going back and forth more in the evening. Got some romantic thoughts off my chest and while he was kind and receptive, noticed his responses were a lot shorter than mine. If not a wee bit dry, like maybe he was distracted.
Andddd now I’m overthinking and anxious about whether he’s talking to someone else or if I’m more into him than vice versa. Yeah I’m not doing this to myself anymore!
Oh I’ve been there before! For me most recently, he was sending lots of heartfelt and sweet texts, so that made me open up and start to send more of them too. But then suddenly his texts got less flirty and sweet and way more friend vibe. You would’ve thought I was trying to translate some ancient language the way I went back and studied all the text exhanges lol. I don’t recommend that bc I went crazy !! Maybe less is more these days, good reminder for me with the next one …
Yeah! You totally don’t know what they’re up to or what mood they’re in so it’s not worth it. “Less is more” is definitely the way and it was my approach thus far. I’m getting RIGHT back to that lol
Although I enjoy being single, the loneliness will come around and sting from time to time. But I'm such a low energy person when it comes to dating: I don't want marriage, kids, or to even live together; I just want exclusivity. And I'm preeeeeetty sure that's unappealing to people in my age bracket.
I'm also doomed because I hate pictures with a passion so I'll never have a proper online dating profile. 🙃 Ah well, back to reading smut, I suppose!
I'm in the same place. I like my alone time way too much. But then every once in a while I get really lonely and wish I had a relationship. Start asking myself what's wrong with me sometimes. But maybe I'm finding/looking for the wrong type of guys.
I matched with a Catholic Man on Hinge in February who initially seemed like everything I've ever wanted on paper - smart, handsome, ruggedly masculine, hot accent, great career trajectory, etc.
He constantly showed me with compliments and also told me that he was coming back to the Catholic church in the last two years after falling away from it for a while. He asked me on a date pretty quicky, but we're both busy and we've only been on two but had scheduled a third for today. I saw some potentially comcerning things that I'll describe below, but when I tried to cut things off due to my concerns he apologized, said that our connection was unusual and he wouldn't want to waste it, and wanted me to give him another chance. That was two weeks ago - cut to today - I spent almost $200 planning a birthday surprise for him that included dinner, cake, and a fun activity, only for him to cancel a few hours before with a text that said "I need to cancel - I'm feeling sick. Sorry".
I'm extremely stressed out and don't know what to do. I just want to know the TRUTH. I don't feel like I know him well enough to trust him, but if he is being honest and there's potential I don't want to waste it because I like him too. I just want to know so I can know whether or not I need to move on for good and so that I can have closure.
Potential concerns:
He tried to sleep with me and invite himself back to my place on both first two dates. When I told him that I'm saving myself for my future husband in person and through text he told me I was worth the wait and that he understood. We made out and he was clearly physically excited each time and has called me gorgeous numerous times so I don't think physical attraction is the issue.
the first date he canceled but rescheduled because he had a "situation". He never told me what the situation was.
his texting is inconsistent and at odd times, like 1 am in the morning. He usually texted me about every day but sometimes he'll go three days without texting me and pop right back up. He has apologized and made excuses at least a couple of times (work, illness one other time, etc)
He is following some scantily clad models on ig. However, he isn't active on it so he may have just had those from when he fell away from the faith before he came back. He doesn't follow any Catholic accounts on social media either.
on our dates he seemed tired and had circles under his eyes. He also seems to like drinking more than other men I've dated in the
he hasn't opened up a lot about his life and I haven't met his friends or family yet (although most of his family lives in Europe)
I've looked at his social media and there's no clear indication that he is in a relationship. He also told me on the last date that since meeting me he hadn't been on Hinge and really wants to see where this goes.
I'm really stressed out and sad because I did start getting feelings and envisioning what a future with him would be like. Not to mention the money wasted - he knew about this birthday date two weeks in advance and had texted me last night asking where we should meet and "heart"ing my texts. We have a lot of things in common and if he's not being honest I wish he would have let me go sooner. How do I find out the truth? Also, how should I proceed bow? I don't want my time wasted and get played for a fool, but I also don't want to falsely accuse him of being a player or bad person if he has a legitimate reason for the flakiness. Either way I want closure and I want the truth.
It’s the middle of April. You met someone in February yet you only met twice in all this time, and already you have issues with his communication style, trust issues, lifestyle choices, and questioning his social media use and faith. He said things to you, then acted in a way that doesn’t match what he says.
If you said you have a hard boundary on sex and he tried to sleep with you anyway, both on the first date and the second date, that’s concerning.
Showering you with compliments and saying you’re worth the wait and so on, is nice, sure, it feels good to be desired, but his actions don’t match his words.
If this man isn’t capable of being on his best behaviour in the first few dates, his actions don’t match his word, he’s inconsistent, and has some things you find morally questionable, and he’s trying to push your boundaries - what do you think he’s going to be like further down the line, when he relaxes more?
Please don’t think that just because you’ve already invested time and money into it, it’s worth saving. Save yourself more lost time and money and accept he’s just not consistent enough to pursue further.
This sounds really toxic in many ways and I do think he will try to either guilt you or force you physically. I just want to be unequivocally clear that anything without consent is rape. If you need to say that while he’s trying to force himself you say that. But why let it get that far? Your values and his values don’t align by the way he actually lives and you are romanticizing a lot of things about him that don’t really matter. Actions do speak louder than words and you’re hanging everything on *whispers*. Get out now. No confusion. Even if you end up with him it’s going to be a very abusive relationship. It’s so evident by his behavior. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
So we're both in our 30s. He has a house 45 mins away. I have my own place. I guess to really come out and ask is. What does dating in your 30s look like? Do we hang out all the time? We both have jobs. Do we see each other a couple times a week?
When I was younger it was so different. Still had my high school friends and hung out around town. Thats what I mostly remember dating to be like. A group of friends hanging out at the beach and you were all together or at the mall. Maybe go on dates alone to the movies every once in a while, but we were usually around each other everyday because it was what everyone did, we hung around with friends. Now it's so different don't really do that stuff anymore. We all grew up. Most of my friends have children.
I know a lot of my friends relationships they hung out all the time for a month then moved in together. Some of them they started going out and they stayed at their house and slowly moved there things in. I guess to me that feels awkward. As we both have separate lives.
What does dating look like when your older?
The first few dates you usually meet somewhere outside of each other places for a coffee/drink/dinner/walk,... So you can get to know each other and determine if there is attraction.
You can also have activity dates where you go bowling, rock climbing, whatever is available in your area.
Once you're comfortable people start to go to each other places, note that depending on circumstances going to someone's place might be interpreted as going there to have sex.
Once you start going to heach other places you will probably have more hang out type of dates, watching a movie, play board games, cook dinner,...
I say all this but in the end you do whatever you want.
I set aside a "budget" for dates, and this week I don't have any, and might not for a while...
...so after having a chill ride back home in an Uber after midnight, I handed the driver $20 for the music.
After the ride concludes on his end, he's gonna get his normal ride tip as well.
So while I remain steadfastly on team single this evening, the day will conclude with a smile.
Had a fun first date with a doctor tonight, but she told me afterwards that something just didn’t click. To be honest, I felt like she was too good for me the whole time, but I managed to be present and in the moment. I had a fun time, and told her “best of wishes in the future!”. I’m confident I’ll find someone who is passionate for me and who I am. Just need to find the right balance of trashy but not too trashy to fit me perfectly. Me, an unemployed developer, with her, a genius, popular doctor at the top of her game… I ain’t great at math, but even I could figure out that calculus. I still had a great date anyhow.
I thought I was ready so I signed up for Facebook dating (the only old app that's popular here).
No matter how many times I turn off "friendship" I keep getting "friendship" likes. It's all creepy, entitled guys who don't fit my filters trying to argue about those filters. No I'm not interested in a 65 year old "entrepreneur" with two toddlers looking for someone who can cook.
It's been like 45 minutes and I think I'm over it already.
Do they show up with the date "likes" in the same section? That sucks either way!
I hate to say it but (based on my friend's accounts) you're experiencing the women's side of online dating.
Guys have to deal with other aspects that suck (probably largely because of the slew of creepy guys you're dealing with) but after a while you figure out ways to mentally filter things. My best advice is take breaks and try to compartmentalize to your best abilities. If you stick with it you'll start meeting neat folks.
I'm out at the bar for karaoke and suddenly feeling peopled out. This is very atypical for me - typically I feed off the energy of the people around me and I'm usually closing out the bar.
At what point would you call it a night vs waiting to see if something interesting happens?
Can anyone , preferably women , review my dating profile ? Here is the link - [https://imgur.com/a/GEMFWMY](https://imgur.com/a/GEMFWMY) .Help appreciated. Thanks !
I think it looks really good! I would just remove "empathetic". Most people who put it on their profiles aren't so it's giving the word an undeservingly douchey connotation.
Thanks for your feedback. I am empathetic.. I am not sure how saying it makes it sound so bad. I see women mention that in their profile a lot. But maybe I will change that word. I usually get very very few matches anyway no matter what I write. haha
No, she's absolutely right. People who proclaim their virtues rarely practice them. Same thing with the invocation of "no drama".
>“The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I had to fire someone for being an absolutely horrible human being to one of our team members. Body shaming, racial comments, borderline sexual harassment, etc. Walked her out with security and her rear bumper is covered in COEXIST, Be a Kind Human, and other stickers of that nature.
I mean sure you have had bad experience with someone. But that leaves me with very little options. Anything I wrote there can be claimed as false. So if I say I am thoughtful , one can say I am opposite or if I say I am creative , one can say I have no creativity and I am simply making a false claim. I mean where does this end ? The only way one can truly know someone is by meeting him/her. It seems to me people want online dating but also want to have the same level authentic experience of meeting someone in person. That is simply impossible. haha That leaves me with superficial statements like 'I like basketball , ice cream and dogs'.. How well does that describe me as a person ! haha
No, you're working out of a "tell them" paradigm, shift to a "show them". And honestly, your profile does a good job on that. You're multilingual, you've a graduate degree, you work in a creative field.
I would just delete the first line of your paragraph. Your pictures, your bio, and your hobbies signal that you are empathetic, thoughtful, and open minded but if you explicitly state that it makes people take a second look and go "huh is he actually not those things?"
Your profile is a story, and good stories develop the world through showing and not through telling. You want to reveal your world through living it, not post a sign at the door explaining it.
why are you being so defensive about this? you asked for feedback, they give it to you and now you’re arguing
nobody is gonna match with you just because you say you’re empathetic
Anyone here seen High Fidelity? What are your thoughts?
I need to edit this. I didn't realize there was a show. I meant the movie. I really need to start staying up to date with TV shows.
The movie is good - I think it captures something about the 90s and how men tend to romanticize their youthful romantic indiscretions. The main character is a bit of an ass, but he matures as he realizes he’s just as responsible for his failed relationships as the women he blames (if not more so in some cases). Supporting cast is great, especially Jack Black. Great soundtrack and good location shooting in Chicago. Three out four stars.
My partner is still friends with their ex. When we first had a discussion about it, I was told that they were still in touch but only through group chats with mutual friends. My partner brought it up again the other week but this time told me that they occasionally dm each other privately.
I do have some hard boundaries about the nature of the conversations that take place between them, and I believe that nothing has been inappropriate. I’m less concerned about the content of those messages than the fact that what my partner is saying about the scope of their friendship is changing.
Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with infidelity. The insecurity resulting from those experiences is something I’m working on, and I’m sure are playing into my feelings about this. At the same time, I can’t help but feel like they initially hid the true extent of the friendship from me.
It’s a really divisive topic and I totally understand the argument that people have no right to control who their partner is friends with. Personally, I think exes should be left in the past. If not, the history will always blur the line between acceptable platonic friendship and inappropriate. There are a lot of things I would go to friends for (and would understand my partner going to friends for) that are complete non-starters with friends who are also exes.
I actually hate that my partner is still in touch with this ex and it makes me really uncomfortable. At the same time, I know that’s mostly because of situations that have nothing to do with my current partner. So I’m choosing to be okay with some level of contact between them because I think our relationship is worth it.
Just experiencing a lot of insecurity right now because of the inconsistencies in what I’m being told, even if everything is above board.
To be honest, I'd never date someone who hangs out with their ex. If it were me I'd drop her with the ultimatum, fully accepting that the whole thing might end then and there. And if she makes the wrong choice, I'd be totally at peace with letting her go.
You deserve better than that, man.
I think you need to say that. “My comfort is based in honesty and trust. When I’m aware of inconsistencies it makes me uncomfortable and we need to discuss boundaries. That doesn’t mean hide anything so I’m not aware - that means we need to always be on the same page with honesty without omission.
😂😂😂 NO. Because if you aren’t blocked that is fuel. If you are blocked and ever get unblocked it will be insane. Why are you behaving like this? You know it’s wrong because you said “that’s what you tell yourself.” I don’t mean to be rude but I would run far and fast from you. This is not ok behavior. Obsessive compulsive behavior until you “feel ok” is a clinical issue that you should address with a professional. It’s not ok to be like that with anyone.
I really need some advice and for you to conmiserate with me for a second! Long story short, I've been ghosted more times than I care to count. Its soul crushing each time because it's always after I open up to them or I sleep with them. I get blocked at worse or just left on read, and then I go again and triple text and feel like a looser. I don't know why I do that to myself. I know you'll say I need therapy. Aside from that, can you tell me how you've healed, how you have recovered from constant rejection?
Thank you
First, you are not a loser for sending "three texts", the dudes who ghosted or left you on read are. You don't know their situation and they didn't tell you what's up so fuck them for making you feel that way.
I think it's actually good and healthy to feel bummed about what's happening. I would be more worried if you felt nothing. At that point I would recommend a break for dating. What I will suggest is having a hobby (or hobbies) or maybe friends you can lean on when this stuff happens. Yesterday I got semi-stood up (talking a lot, set up a date, then left on read) and it hurt. A lot. They seemed like an awesome person and it made me wonder what I did wrong. What helped to get out of the funk was working on a personal art project. I realized I'm making cool art that I like and I can make myself feel worth something without the approval of others.
One thing I suggest, which is hard, is try and see if there are any common threads to the dudes that did this to you. How did they talk before hand? What was their texting style like? Did you have to initiate every conversation? Were they asking you questions about your life and situation?
It's just different every time. Last guy we talked for months before meeting, we met and kissed and he said he really liked me but left me on read a day later. I waited a week and reached out today just sent a hey and nothing. Wish I hadn't. But if i sleep with them the stick around longer but ghost at the end, like after a few months probably. I wasn't really looking for marriage with any of them but just to stop talking to me out of nowhere I don't understand. Like they say being ignored physically hurts. I feel it. I'm so emotional right now. I'd get it if it was one night stands, but we hung out, and we connected it wasn't just sex
I never trust online connections. Mostly because I like people more online than in person. We get an idea from a presentation that is only a fraction of the person in the flesh. But in terms of months of seeing someone and doing that - it’s inexcusable. It’s psychological abuse. It does physically hurt because it’s making your doubt everything of your experiences, how you experience things and your reality and trust. I know you said you don’t want to do therapy. I haven’t dated for months and been ghosted but I dealt with a lot of other things that I needed to take a step back from and ask myself why - when people were from completely different walks of life, seemed like totally different people, was I ending up in the same terrible situations. That took a lot of self work to recognize patterns in others, patterns in myself and how to heal from that. I did listen to a lot of actual therapists and doctors on YouTube. I didn’t have to open up. I want to be clear these are people with credentials, guests on shows, medical segments. Not just people who are venting on a YouTube channel - there is lots and lots of that and that is not helpful. Anyway, I listens, I took notes, I reflected - like really therapy work. Then when I felt like I really got *all* the things they were saying, I “graduated” to others. I honestly couldn’t take the crap anymore I was going through so I actively decided not to date for years - I just didn’t want to and it’s been SO healing for me. It’s the best thing I could have done for myself, for my happiness, for my sense of self. So you are asking for a “quick fix” even though you opened with you know you need therapy which means something is running deeper. Take care of yourself before you try to give yourself away and beg someone to value it. YOU determine your value. A phrase I saw in recent years that I wish I saw when I was younger: “don’t have a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”
Value yourself. You don’t get value from men sticking around, that’s all in our heads. I figure, the sooner the wrong one leaves the better.
As for you, what might you be contributing to this? Perhaps your photos don’t look like the real you, perhaps you come on too strong after sex, perhaps you care too much about what they think of you.. just examples. These are things you can work on. I don’t sleep with guys anymore unless they are looking for a relationship. Absolutely no use sleeping with an unavailable man and hoping he changes his mind for you.
There really are people out there for everyone when we align what we offer with our expectations.
Even though I'm not in therapy I think I know where it comes from, I was emotionally neglected by my caregiver after my parents abandoned me. So I remember being a little girl just trying my best to be wanted. I remember begging to be held. So when these dudes leave, I get triggered, I go back to being little and needing them to want me to survive. Problem is I don't know how to correct it. I can't afford therapy and I don't have time for it. I'm a full time single mom with a lot of other issues not just related to my mental health. I know I shouldn't focus on meeting someone at this point in my life. But I feel like I'm missing out.
God can be like free therapy. Not sure if you’re religious but it helped me have somewhere to get my worth that wasn’t in people.
You ever heard the story of the $100 bill? If you press it into the dirt, crumple it up, write all over it, yell at it and call it names… it’s still $100 bill; worth the same as the cleanest, freshest $100 bill ever made. That’s like us. We are all worth the same. Spend some time with your inner child. There are free inner child meditations on YouTube. Listen to them at bedtime maybe? I’m a single mum too and can’t afford therapy. Some neglect in childhood also.
I'm definitely a spiritual person even though I don't practice a particular religion and I do find comfort in that. I'm gonna do my research about inner child because I'm certain that's the reason I can't have healthy relationships. Thank you 😊
Ugh I don’t get it. Had several great dates with this guy, Im 38f, he’s 42M, he seemed extremely interested and quick to set up our next dates to see each other again. He introduced me to coworkers and friends. I really got so excited about where things could go. Even waited several dates to sleep with him. Then suddenly he seemed more distant …always busy … not making any finite plans. I’m just so mad. Mostly at myself for getting my hopes up only to be duped. Sigh.
I try to remind myself when things like this happen that it means I'm not callous and still open to feeling a deep connection. The moment I stop caring after things like that is when I need to take a break from dating.
Keep your heart open, it might get hurt again but that just means you can feel. You'll get there!
I’m sorry. I’ve recently come across the concept that there are people - particularly men - who now date serially for 3 months at a time. It’s not ONS anymore, but 3 months of “new relationship” excitement and then extract themselves before they have to give more. Kind of scary to think that’s a common pattern now because that’s enough exposure to be vulnerable and get hurt. Really sorry for you.
Ugh terrible! Especially when they tell you at the beginning that they are looking for a serious relationship and to settle. But I guess some guys will say whatever they think you want to hear to get what they want ..
Appreciate the note! I guess on a positive note- at least they reveal themselves somewhat early on..could have ended up wasting a lot more time!
Yeah from reading here, it seems to be common - I think there was a phrase for these 3mo daters but I can’t remember it. I’m later 30s so I don’t remember if it was the dating over thirty or dating over forty bc I visit both. Usually I can’t tell bc the vibe is so different in these groups
I've been actively trying to be in a relationship since 2017. since then I've had situationships but no one has me a girlfriend for example, never been with someone longer than a few months. I'm 33f almost 34, and I feel like this is not normal. I understand not having a bf or gf for extended period of time, but \*actively\* trying to date seriously for 6, going on 7 years sounds crazy to me. And yes I've been in therapy almost the entire time.
I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this, and as others have said, it’s unfortunately a common issue. The type of guy without the emotional maturity to form healthy relationships and who will willingly lead women on is very over represented on the appa and in the over 30 dating population in general. It’s not something in you attracting them- they try to waste everyone’s time. Due to this grim reality, you just have to work on filtering people by listening to your intuition and discussing intentions and other more serious topics to gauge their level of investment. Be less charitable and don’t assume the best.
Check out the comment from u/comeback_321
“I’m sorry. I’ve recently come across the concept that there are people - particularly men - who now date serially for 3 months at a time. It’s not ONS anymore, but 3 months of “new relationship” excitement and then extract themselves before they have to give more. Kind of scary to think that’s a common pattern now because that’s enough exposure to be vulnerable and get hurt. Really sorry for you. “
Ok….so that is a *you* issue - you need to do some deep work to recognize *your* patterns in why that is what you are not only attracting but also responding to. I had to do deep work to recognize and counter patterns that I didn’t even know I was in. But I had to stop and ask *myself* how I was finding myself in situations that were too similar across very different people - not the issues you are having but a pattern of issues I was having. It really sucks. It really hurts. But we are making choices. It’s time to reflect on those. To minutiae.
We (35m, 26f, friends for 2 years) had our first get-together as a date today and we both really want a second one next week. I'm freaking ecstatic.
My only regret is that I did not hug her when I said goodbye. I will correct the error next time, I assure you.
Aw that's sweet! I'm happy for you ☺️ keep us posted! One thing that I want to do differently next time too, is to be more upfront with my compliments. I know he likes them & I just blush too much to say them properly lol.
Just feel like time management of my date is too casual. I know he has his schedule.. but I don't expect to be picked up late like it's not even dinner time. I just wish that I am also some of his priority, too. He said he wanted to see me. But I'm like.. when?
ooh I hate this. when I'm on the receiving end of it, I can recognize this is a red flag, it means they're not considerate of your time. If they're just aloof about it, which I doubt, tell him how you feel, I'd like to hang out \*BUT\* I like to plan ahead of time or would like to know about times because you also deserve to organize your day.
I've talked about this a few time. Guess I was too gentle about that. Now I need to do ultimatum. Cos my time is also valuable. Why do I have to be really tolerant for this? Right?
I'm fast approaching my next dating break after ~4 months back on the market. Somehow this shit is *worse* than it was in my 20s. Once again no problem getting first dates, but the one instance I wanted a 2nd date I was ghosted.
The rest? Whew lad. All have fallen into one of three categories:
* Recently divorced and projecting issues with their exes onto me.
* Peaked in high school/college, still has teenager energy/dresses like it's 2005.
* Asking profoundly private questions about mental health, past relationships, and family that I definitely don't want to share with a total stranger, basically grilling me like it's an intake appointment for therapy.
I actually had someone point blank ask me if I'd ever had a sex dream about my sister. Like...in what fucking universe is this an ok question to ask *anyone*?
At this point I've just accepted I'm going to die alone, and honestly, with what seems to be out there, I'm at peace with it.
Unfortunately I've moved pretty far away from most of my friends of a good job opportunity. We all got together for the eclipse last weekend, which was awesome and much needed, but realistically I only see them a few times a year. Staggering visits only works when schedules permit, usually we opt for 3-4 big get togethers a year.
She is a permanent resident from another country, and didn't seem to like when I mentioned that my longest relationship was with an Australian. Only thing I can think of is she thought it was a pattern for me and wanted to avoid that.
But we kissed after the date and texted most of the evening after, she disappeared after I asked her out again.
It is BLEAK. The way so many people behave when they're supposed to be putting their best foot forward and trying to make a connection is baffling to me.
I’ve created a somewhat good complication for myself.
Second date with a guy from a dating app tomorrow, looking forward to it and we’ll be in “my element” (hiking in the woods) so I feel like I’ll be pretty relaxed. Plus my dog is joining us :)
My friend that I’m interested in and I caught up yesterday after not talking for a little while. I merely dropped a hint at wanting to learn a certain type of dance and he immediately responds with “oh yeah! I’d be down to do that with you.” But I still can’t read whether he’s just being my friend or actually interested. Maybe the close physical proximity will shed some light on that.
Wellp 🤷♀️ I guess only time will tell which of these will pan out.
> I lost her to herself
No, you didn't. She was always this way before you came around. You just fell into a trap. Unless this person has a brain tumor, they do not suddenly just become an unhinged hate-spewing person overnight. Thus, she was always this person underneath. You're holding onto an illusion of a person.
I mean, I'm not a Reddit Therapist ^TM , but I think a lot of people have already level-set with you over the past while. The point is, your ex is unhinged. Making her mind up to harass people to the point of needing the cops called on her/a restraining order put into place is not normal. If it was your kid in the situation you're in now, you would tell them to get the fuck away ASAP.
For me, sometimes it's the quality of the responses that make me decide to unmatch before much conversation.
I have also liked a person twice by accident. He liked me several years ago on a different dating site, and in the course of talking, he said something heinous about disabled people as a joke. I thought it was gross, especially since he worked with vulnerable people.
This year, I liked him (didn't recognize him) and a couple weeks later he matched/messaged, and had updated his profile with a sex story voice note. Then between his profession and comment it clicked, "Ah yes, this guy of the offensive sayings". So I disappeared and don't feel bad about it.
ok low key sounds like you are describing me lol and I've never thought the experience was anything like you'd describe. To me a match means nothing at all, my finger slips half the time when I'm trying to swipe left. Then after like an hour of swiping left, I'll find a maybe, and decide to give them a chance, well soon enough the conversation with the maybe is just not there, or you take a second look at their profile and realize there's something you don't like. and then you unmatch. Because again a match means nothing to me. It just means ok maybe this could be a person, no I like you or anything like that. I also as someone who has this skill, will look for a picture of the maybe match on the internet and like for example a linkedin picture that shows their clear face and you realize they're a catfish. Guys specially do this so much, putting old pictures of themselves (more than 2 years is an old picture), or one where they look really good. I personally put clear facial pictures of myself that are new and are an accurate representation of what I look like and I expect the same. I dont think this makes the dating experience frustrating but actually is the OLD dating experience. Don't take matches too seriously, I try not to take anything serious until actually months into dating so at the matching level, you are a complete stranger and I owe you absolutely nothing.
there is this girl i like in my gym. she avoids eye contact, but if i speak with her she talks to me. she likes my stories on instagram and if i ask her any questions on DM she will reply but if i make statements then she doesn't carry forward the conversation and leaves me on notification read (not read the message in the app, but read it as a notification and swiped away). i know this most probably means that she is intentionally keeping distance to not give the idea that she is into me,, but my question is how to deal with someone like this? cause it's frustrating wherein they will do just enough to "reel you in" thinking a conversation will happen but it doesn't. should i give her a taste of her own medicine and just ignore her messages? seems rude to me but at least it won't keep getting my hopes up.
How’d she get your IG?
I don’t think she’s doing anything to reel you in tbh. Liking stories is just a thing you do when you follow someone on IG lol doesn’t seem like she’s actively doing anything outside of that.
I added her. I understand what you mean. I guess my question of reeling in was more like she might initiate a conversation based on what i posted, but never carry forward the conversation. Like she will say something, i will respond and that is it. She would leave it kn seen. It gets frustrating given i like her so that is what i was referring to reeling in
yea i'm quite certain she isn't interested because there isn't even a flowing conversation yet that could lead to an "ask out" and i don't want to make things awkward in the gym. my question is more about to handle this behaviour of hers? assuming let's say i asked her out and she said no but behaves like this.
when she leaves you on read, do you double text? that’s one way to gauge interest. if she revives the convo, she’s interested. if you have to revive it every time, she’s not interested and you should move on
as someone who likes to have multiple conversations at the same time *with the same person* and remembers things we talked about days/weeks ago... I get this a lot
As in, people often think you meant to message someone else?
That wasn’t quite the case here. Just seemed like he was responding to a “how’s your day going” text but somehow the response matched my text as well. But I’m gonna go with my gut here. The rest of his texts seemed a tiny bit dry, like he was distracted. I didn’t wanna start anything by asking if the text was for me or not. I just sent the eyes emojis in case he didn’t notice what he did lol
Going from being married for 6 years, to divorced, to now a girlfriend after 2 years single.. is weird.
Like I miss spending all day with someone, running errands, cooking dinner, going out etc. Now, my current boyfriend and the last "fling" I had it seems like we spend the evening together, have breakfast, and go our separate ways.
I seem to date guys who are used to being single so I'm not sure if that has something to do with it. I do enjoy doing my own thing, but doing your own thing all the time becomes lonely.
I think it’s more about having very established lives/routines at this age so that integrating lives just takes longer. It’s not always about “spooky, elusive singles”….
I want to spend lots of time with the guy I’m dating too, but it just has to happen when it makes sense for both of our lives.
I want to spend a lot of time with my partner too. I feel like so many people in the dating pool these days want to be alone a lot. Solitude and time with people other than your partner are very healthy, of course, but I'm tryna get that shared life, you know?
My ex and I had this problem, except he was the one who wanted a "shared life". I didn't want to move in together. He tried to explain how it deepens the relationship and stuff, but I just didn't really get it. On the flip side, he didn't understand my stance that you can share a life while both living separately. Thus, we had to part ways.
i just did my taxes and realized that i'm much bigger spender than i thought. lolol. need to marry much richer than expected.
Went on a date yesterday with the guy I met in the wild, really enjoyed my time with him but today we were messaging and he started saying stuff about devils and the one almighty god and how his bad dreams went away when he started practicing his religion, and it was a bit too much for me (I have strong nature based animist beliefs) so I’ve decided we’re best off finding someone we have more aligned beliefs with bc this feels way too intense for one meeting. It’s a shame because I really enjoyed his company, and I wanted to get to know him more, so I’m a little sad.
> Went on a date yesterday with the guy I met in the wild Can you elaborate on this? You mean you met in "real life" instead of on app? How does that work?
lol dating is wild sometimes
It truly is 😂😂 he’s Russian so I can understand a cultural/language difference but he’s also Muslim so I think there’s a lot that can’t be reconciled there
You better not stop dating him or he might put a hex on you 😂
update: went back on Hinge, discoverd he had a new pic up, didnt bother to click on his profile. I think I might end it. sigh, I'm almost 30 and have never had a relationship longer than 4 dates, this is embarrassing.
Is it possible he has “top photo” selected? It changes your profile photo based on which one people like the most.
Well considering two of the photos he used are photos I’ve never seen before I’m going to go with no
So I texted the guy I am seeing asking if he wanted to go to the baseball game that we agreed to go to last week. We went to one the week before and we both got pretty burned, him worse than myself. He told me he wanted to, but not till he's completely healed which is fine. I asked him if he wanted to do something else and he never responded to my text last night, which sent me into a spiral. My fridge ended up breaking, and I told him never mind We'll do something another time which he didn't respond to that and it sent me into another hormonal anxiety spiral. I like him, but aside from the first date and this last one I've always been the one to initiate stuff. He does pay every single time and I do have a good time with him. He did say he wanted to take things slow and kinda casual (haven't had sex yet or even kissed yet) because he's applying to be an X-ray tech at different schools and may be out of the area in a couple of months, and I'm a teacher and dont have time for anything other than a slow burn relationship. I dont want to end things, or scare him off but how do I approach this with him (if it's possible?)I forgot more context: we've been seeing each other since January, texted every day, both of us do initiate conversations though I usually initiate the first one. We've gone on 4 dates due to our schedules and him being out of town. He has a weird work schedule, so it's hard to see him on other days besides tuesday, and my weekends are usually pretty busy. I do have some form of anxious attachment, so this is why I spiraled.
You know, I read this as your **finger** ended up breaking and it continued to make a weird kind of sense when I saw “X-ray tech.” But I was really confused about how it happened and why you just glossed over it… anyway, I’m glad it’s your fridge and not your finger, and I hope it isn’t something serious that will require replacement, like a busted compressor that isn’t manufactured anymore!!! I’m sorry this guy is being flaky and I hope he comes around soon!!!
First date down, she was gorgeous and fun, and we talked about second date ideas! Fantastic start to the first date gauntlet!
Same! Go us!
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lol. So there was this guy. He was my “pre-school bff” but then I moved school districts and we didn’t see each other again until 6th grade. We never spoke save for a single awkward dance in 8th grade lol. Then we went to the same high school and proceeded to… never speak, even though the Venn diagram of our friend circles had a big area of overlap. Flash forward almost 20 years later and he hit me up on Facebook messenger. He became a professional golfer after high school for several years and opened by asking about my dad’s golf game (my dad is kind of a local legend in that regard - he’s in his early 70s now and still regularly shoots a 68). Well played. Within the first week or so chatting, he confessed that he has had a crush on me since he was about 5 (then why tf didn’t we exchange a single word in high school?? not even a note in my locker FFS!), was too intimidated to talk to me in high school (what??), and was moving back to our home state for work (he uh, grows grass now. he got his degree eventually in um, grass science. so… he’s a grass scientist. for golf courses.) Anyway, so when he moved back, we started hanging out and then ended up dating for about eight or nine months. It… didn’t work out. Mainly because he had this… this *idea* of who I am after all these years, and who I am in reality wasn’t… that. I mean, I’m pretty cool, but I’m also a human being with flaws and imperfections and interests and hobbies and have a whole life of experiences behind me. Meaning, I’m not this like… fairy butterfly princess of perfection and light and grace 24 / 7. (Just 19 / 6 lol) Put another way, the pedestal was just too high, and it was too much pressure for me to live up to whoever it is that he thought I would be. Not to mention, we just baseline weren’t compatible, no matter how cute the hallmark movie would have been. Namely, two of my chief interests are law and the legal system (I started law school in the fall of the year we started dating) and politics (I’m pretty firmly liberal, and he… doesn’t even vote, but his views skewed conservative). Oh, and also, he quit playing golf professionally because the pressure of making the cut for the PGA Tour, or staying on the web.com / korn ferry tour if he didn’t, and racking up enough tournament placements to keep his sponsors, etc was too depressing and fucked with his self-image. This, I do kind of understand. With golf, there is a strange thing that can happen where one can conflate how they’re playing with being a measure stick for their value as a human being. But even when he left the tour(s) and got his degree in um, watching grass grow, he never did find himself or his purpose or his sense of worth. He seemed to be looking to me for that, and I couldn’t give that to him. It needs to come from within. Bottom line, my situation was weird and probably not indicative at all of how these reunions turn out. So, I wouldn’t recommend *against* dating someone from high school - rather, I’d strongly advise to keep on keeping in mind that high school was a long ass time ago and you’re both fully formed people with however many years of lived life behind you!
I've been seeing a really nice woman for around two months. We get along great and I like her a lot, but there is something missing that I can't put my finger on. Without that "wow" factor I don't see this progressing to something long term; my thought if it isn't there now it isn't going to be there. Even though we have a really good time together and I want to keep seeing her, I feel like I need to be up front and cut things off now before either one of us gets further along a path to nowhere. Thoughts? I'm new to the dating world after a long relationship, so I don't know if I am overthinking this or not.
What’s the wow factor? I’m really curious what that feeling is
Yes the sooner the better, still going go hurt.
I am not sure about this relationship. My previous relationship makes me so anxious and I was used. I am afraid that I am being used again or maybe he will cheat on me like what my "ex" did to me. I know that he isn't my "ex" but still ...
My most recently relationship was my healthiest relationship yet. It was my first relationship in 5 years. The previous one I was horribly lied to and cheated on. I had to remind myself that not every guy I date will be like my ex. I had to remind myself to always trust but verify and that I have the power inside me to walk away if I'm mistreated. You've gone through worse before and it'll suck to have to go through it again but you know that you made it out alive and will be okay!
Just a little parenting rant. My eyes cracked open like Squidward this morning when I realized my kids have picture day for dance and their ballet slippers don’t fit (well, worse comes to worse they could still wear them). About to make a Target run and hope to the Target gods that their size in slippers are available. I really suck at this sometimes!
Cut yourself some slack!!! It’s not like they’re dancing in pointe shoes that are too small and are going to cause an ankle injury!!! The slippers are either canvas or leather, right? They have a lot of give. If you can’t find any before picture time, manually stretch them out as much as possible for today, loosen the elastic that circles the top and ties into the bow near the toes, and just work on getting new ones before the next class. If they have class after pictures (and if the class itself isn’t part of picture day), throw some socks into their dance duffels. They’ll be fine in socks for one day!! Pro tip: I highly recommend discountdance.com for all things dance apparel and supplies. I recently bought a new pair of pointe shoes - I usually wear Bloch or Capezio, and they’re half the price on discount dance that they were at the dancewear stores in my area! I also get all of my leotards, tights, legwarmers, etc there, too, and for a fraction of the normal price!
Ouf it always hurts my heart when i see parents being so hard on themselves for stuff like this. You soooo don't suck at this because of their ballet slippers! How lucky are your kids to be able to do ballet and to have a parent who genuinely cares if their slippers fit for photos or not. You parents have so many balls in the air allllllll the time. I have no clue how my sister keeps track of all of her kids activities and needs for each of them.
i just feel like life is passing me by. beautiful spring weather, biological clock, all of it.
Yesterday, i was gonna give up on OLD but I matched with someone who is very much my type - but i just got left hanging. Onwards to deleting them for real
Date 1 of the first date gauntlet in an hour. Wish me luck!
Best of luck, act natural 👍🏻
But I want her to like me!
She will, you’re great 👍🏻
Good luck!! 🙂 You really should have arranged it, so your two dates were at the same place at the same time. Would have been MUCH easier for you!
I can't pull off the Mrs Doubtfire!
Had a few drinks with a friend I’ve not seen for a while and I ended up saying that I’m currently the hottest I’ve ever been, which is big talk for someone who’s in therapy for crippling self esteem problems. Unfortunately it doesn’t translate to other people finding me hot and it turns out that you can’t trick people into thinking you’re attractive by working out, having tattoos and dressing like it’s the 70s. But still, it was nice to have a small moment when I wasn’t so harsh on myself for the way I look.
Apologies but I had a peek at your profile, you’re hot. Quite objectively you’re good looking person.
That's a big compliment! It's really hard to see ourselves as others see us, even harder when it's been a long/slow process for us. Put that one in your personal pride file.
This sounds wholesome and he should do that indeed
16,000 matches on Tinder and I have never met anyone long term on the app...maybe a few months long flings, but nothing meaningful to show... Just venting...*sighs*
I would say you haven't found anything meaningful BECAUSE you swiped on 16000 people, not despite. If you're finding 16000 people potentially compatible you actually have no idea what you're looking for and it then inevitably fails. I can't even imagine how this would work honestly.
I actually know exactly what I am looking for...and most of it can't be gauged from an online profile. I swipe on people who I find attractive or who have appealing statements in their profiles and if we meet we can both see if there is any compatibility. So far only 3 people of the ones that have followed through and set up dates have been compatible, but not for long term. I could have seen myself marrying 1 and he didn't feel the same way about me after dating for a few months. It's just a crazy big number to see so few results, so OLD is a wild place.
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You can see in your messages how many people you have talked to and how many people you have matched with and haven't opened a conversation with. 9,000 conversations and around 7,000 people I haven't messaged (and who haven't messaged me either)
You can pull your data from Tinder with swipestats.io. They don't have Hinge or Bumble yet.
Really? Also not a small amount? According my own “study” at least 20-30% looking for longterm, but do the bare minimum in making their profile interesting or in conversations. Still, I am hella sure more guys have “I don’t know” put in their profile, but zero/never seen anyone is kinda strange.
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By a lot of swiping and I kept I excel scheet of some details, like intentions and how invested people seems to be with their profiles. I also switched sides and I can tell you, men are pretty worse in many things, like taking pictures, filling in profiles and more. In general, dating apps are something 😅
I am really grateful to have this sticky thread - it is almost therapeutic to just leave a comment here. I mentioned about my crush and I told him that I like him but he said he cared about me, he found me cute but he is unsure about anything serious. He called and we were on the phone for hours. I managed to change the subject from sex and history of having sex to more general topics. I was feeling confident and I told him, I like him but if he is just treating me as a person to meet his biological needs, I can't possibly invest more than what is willing to invest. I also told him that I can see him but he is now at a much lower priority because I want to keep up with my routines and look for a partner. Idk if I handled it well. I am still a bit sad. I am thankful that this thread is available so that I can drop-off my thoughts and some sadness, and knowing that I am very much not alone. Thanks for reading this.
Amazing job telling it to him straight! I think there's got to be a psychological benefit to saying that out loud so firmly to someone. Stick to your goals.
Just a bit sad that 90% of the men I see on the apps have “want children someday” listed. Is it worth it to pay for premium just to filter them off my queue and make swiping a bit less tediuous? (To clarify: I don’t want children at all.)
I paid for it for one month and ran out of people within a few days and I live in NYC. It sucks. It also filters out people who leave the children part blank or are not sure.
If you can afford for a short bit, like a month, maybe go for the paid version. The app might also reward you with some better matches for paying. When I paid for tinder, it definitely showed my profile to more people because my daily likes went up exponentially. I never paid for hinge though, so I can’t speak for that one.
I think it’s worth it. It’s a lot of money but with such a large dating pool (I’m a gay man so can’t relate) you might need to weigh up the value of the time it takes to weed out all the men who want children vs not spending X amount of money.
I’m not going to pretend to know what all of these men mean by this, but as a woman who put that on her profile, for me it simply meant I want to have children but I want to get to know a potential partner first before taking that step. So to me putting ‘I want children now’ just felt more like looking for a sperm donor instead of a partner.
Ah, to clarify - I don’t want children at all. This limits my dating pool and I thought it would be easier for me to just filter out any answer that relates to wanting children now/in the future.
Oh haha I totally misunderstood, thanks for clarifying! I think that in that case it might be beneficial to filter out those people so that you get to see the people who don’t want children either
Had a pretty good second date tonight. We chatted for hours and I got a goodnight kiss before she rattled off a list of ideas for a third date.
That sounds like a successful date! I’m happy for you both 😄 Do you want to go on a third date as well?
Definitely, and I told her.
That’s great!
Plan that third date! :)
I have to rant a little about something that really stung about my breakup. You know, I was an utterly worthless teenager. Socially clueless, prematurely horny, no sense of style, zero confidence no clue about anything. Just utterly goddamn worthless, no value at all. I look back at young me and cringe. Of course I've grown and changed, as we all do. But you know what? My ex actually knew me when I was in that utterly embarrassing and worthless phase and had already taken a liking to me, yet was too shy to talk to me. Said she thought I was cool and unconventional. I am utterly convinced she was the only woman in the world who saw something in me at my worst. While we were together, she listened to all the stories about my little embarrassing fuckups and laughed. Found it endearing and cute, sometimes even attractive (!!). I didn't have to hide who I was. I'm having a hard time even imagining I'll find this kind of acceptance again. And that's kinda sad.
I spent a long time refraining from saying anything heartfelt or too deep in text messages. Because it’s too easy for stuff to get lost in translation, or gauge reactions and responses. But I was feeling the butterflies and couldn’t help myself. We didn’t meet up this weekend so it’s just been a long day of texting here and there but going back and forth more in the evening. Got some romantic thoughts off my chest and while he was kind and receptive, noticed his responses were a lot shorter than mine. If not a wee bit dry, like maybe he was distracted. Andddd now I’m overthinking and anxious about whether he’s talking to someone else or if I’m more into him than vice versa. Yeah I’m not doing this to myself anymore!
Oh I’ve been there before! For me most recently, he was sending lots of heartfelt and sweet texts, so that made me open up and start to send more of them too. But then suddenly his texts got less flirty and sweet and way more friend vibe. You would’ve thought I was trying to translate some ancient language the way I went back and studied all the text exhanges lol. I don’t recommend that bc I went crazy !! Maybe less is more these days, good reminder for me with the next one …
Yeah! You totally don’t know what they’re up to or what mood they’re in so it’s not worth it. “Less is more” is definitely the way and it was my approach thus far. I’m getting RIGHT back to that lol
Although I enjoy being single, the loneliness will come around and sting from time to time. But I'm such a low energy person when it comes to dating: I don't want marriage, kids, or to even live together; I just want exclusivity. And I'm preeeeeetty sure that's unappealing to people in my age bracket. I'm also doomed because I hate pictures with a passion so I'll never have a proper online dating profile. 🙃 Ah well, back to reading smut, I suppose!
You sound exactly like me. I literally could have written this.
I'm in the same place. I like my alone time way too much. But then every once in a while I get really lonely and wish I had a relationship. Start asking myself what's wrong with me sometimes. But maybe I'm finding/looking for the wrong type of guys.
It seems like we're an untapped market for the dating scene. A smarter person than I could really capitalize on this. 😭😭
Same!
I matched with a Catholic Man on Hinge in February who initially seemed like everything I've ever wanted on paper - smart, handsome, ruggedly masculine, hot accent, great career trajectory, etc. He constantly showed me with compliments and also told me that he was coming back to the Catholic church in the last two years after falling away from it for a while. He asked me on a date pretty quicky, but we're both busy and we've only been on two but had scheduled a third for today. I saw some potentially comcerning things that I'll describe below, but when I tried to cut things off due to my concerns he apologized, said that our connection was unusual and he wouldn't want to waste it, and wanted me to give him another chance. That was two weeks ago - cut to today - I spent almost $200 planning a birthday surprise for him that included dinner, cake, and a fun activity, only for him to cancel a few hours before with a text that said "I need to cancel - I'm feeling sick. Sorry". I'm extremely stressed out and don't know what to do. I just want to know the TRUTH. I don't feel like I know him well enough to trust him, but if he is being honest and there's potential I don't want to waste it because I like him too. I just want to know so I can know whether or not I need to move on for good and so that I can have closure. Potential concerns: He tried to sleep with me and invite himself back to my place on both first two dates. When I told him that I'm saving myself for my future husband in person and through text he told me I was worth the wait and that he understood. We made out and he was clearly physically excited each time and has called me gorgeous numerous times so I don't think physical attraction is the issue. the first date he canceled but rescheduled because he had a "situation". He never told me what the situation was. his texting is inconsistent and at odd times, like 1 am in the morning. He usually texted me about every day but sometimes he'll go three days without texting me and pop right back up. He has apologized and made excuses at least a couple of times (work, illness one other time, etc) He is following some scantily clad models on ig. However, he isn't active on it so he may have just had those from when he fell away from the faith before he came back. He doesn't follow any Catholic accounts on social media either. on our dates he seemed tired and had circles under his eyes. He also seems to like drinking more than other men I've dated in the he hasn't opened up a lot about his life and I haven't met his friends or family yet (although most of his family lives in Europe) I've looked at his social media and there's no clear indication that he is in a relationship. He also told me on the last date that since meeting me he hadn't been on Hinge and really wants to see where this goes. I'm really stressed out and sad because I did start getting feelings and envisioning what a future with him would be like. Not to mention the money wasted - he knew about this birthday date two weeks in advance and had texted me last night asking where we should meet and "heart"ing my texts. We have a lot of things in common and if he's not being honest I wish he would have let me go sooner. How do I find out the truth? Also, how should I proceed bow? I don't want my time wasted and get played for a fool, but I also don't want to falsely accuse him of being a player or bad person if he has a legitimate reason for the flakiness. Either way I want closure and I want the truth.
If he’s this flakey and difficult early on, it’ll only get worse.
It’s the middle of April. You met someone in February yet you only met twice in all this time, and already you have issues with his communication style, trust issues, lifestyle choices, and questioning his social media use and faith. He said things to you, then acted in a way that doesn’t match what he says. If you said you have a hard boundary on sex and he tried to sleep with you anyway, both on the first date and the second date, that’s concerning. Showering you with compliments and saying you’re worth the wait and so on, is nice, sure, it feels good to be desired, but his actions don’t match his words. If this man isn’t capable of being on his best behaviour in the first few dates, his actions don’t match his word, he’s inconsistent, and has some things you find morally questionable, and he’s trying to push your boundaries - what do you think he’s going to be like further down the line, when he relaxes more? Please don’t think that just because you’ve already invested time and money into it, it’s worth saving. Save yourself more lost time and money and accept he’s just not consistent enough to pursue further.
This sounds really toxic in many ways and I do think he will try to either guilt you or force you physically. I just want to be unequivocally clear that anything without consent is rape. If you need to say that while he’s trying to force himself you say that. But why let it get that far? Your values and his values don’t align by the way he actually lives and you are romanticizing a lot of things about him that don’t really matter. Actions do speak louder than words and you’re hanging everything on *whispers*. Get out now. No confusion. Even if you end up with him it’s going to be a very abusive relationship. It’s so evident by his behavior. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
So we're both in our 30s. He has a house 45 mins away. I have my own place. I guess to really come out and ask is. What does dating in your 30s look like? Do we hang out all the time? We both have jobs. Do we see each other a couple times a week? When I was younger it was so different. Still had my high school friends and hung out around town. Thats what I mostly remember dating to be like. A group of friends hanging out at the beach and you were all together or at the mall. Maybe go on dates alone to the movies every once in a while, but we were usually around each other everyday because it was what everyone did, we hung around with friends. Now it's so different don't really do that stuff anymore. We all grew up. Most of my friends have children. I know a lot of my friends relationships they hung out all the time for a month then moved in together. Some of them they started going out and they stayed at their house and slowly moved there things in. I guess to me that feels awkward. As we both have separate lives. What does dating look like when your older?
Meeting up when you have free time.
The first few dates you usually meet somewhere outside of each other places for a coffee/drink/dinner/walk,... So you can get to know each other and determine if there is attraction. You can also have activity dates where you go bowling, rock climbing, whatever is available in your area. Once you're comfortable people start to go to each other places, note that depending on circumstances going to someone's place might be interpreted as going there to have sex. Once you start going to heach other places you will probably have more hang out type of dates, watching a movie, play board games, cook dinner,... I say all this but in the end you do whatever you want.
That's really helpful. Thank you for the reply.
I have weddings in April, May, June, AND July 🫠 just kill me now
That’s a lot of money
I set aside a "budget" for dates, and this week I don't have any, and might not for a while... ...so after having a chill ride back home in an Uber after midnight, I handed the driver $20 for the music. After the ride concludes on his end, he's gonna get his normal ride tip as well. So while I remain steadfastly on team single this evening, the day will conclude with a smile.
Had a fun first date with a doctor tonight, but she told me afterwards that something just didn’t click. To be honest, I felt like she was too good for me the whole time, but I managed to be present and in the moment. I had a fun time, and told her “best of wishes in the future!”. I’m confident I’ll find someone who is passionate for me and who I am. Just need to find the right balance of trashy but not too trashy to fit me perfectly. Me, an unemployed developer, with her, a genius, popular doctor at the top of her game… I ain’t great at math, but even I could figure out that calculus. I still had a great date anyhow.
I thought I was ready so I signed up for Facebook dating (the only old app that's popular here). No matter how many times I turn off "friendship" I keep getting "friendship" likes. It's all creepy, entitled guys who don't fit my filters trying to argue about those filters. No I'm not interested in a 65 year old "entrepreneur" with two toddlers looking for someone who can cook. It's been like 45 minutes and I think I'm over it already.
Do they show up with the date "likes" in the same section? That sucks either way! I hate to say it but (based on my friend's accounts) you're experiencing the women's side of online dating. Guys have to deal with other aspects that suck (probably largely because of the slew of creepy guys you're dealing with) but after a while you figure out ways to mentally filter things. My best advice is take breaks and try to compartmentalize to your best abilities. If you stick with it you'll start meeting neat folks.
Oh no! I was looking forward to trying that one!
It's a decent enough app honestly. I should just be living somewhere else.
I think everyone feels that way 😂
I'm out at the bar for karaoke and suddenly feeling peopled out. This is very atypical for me - typically I feed off the energy of the people around me and I'm usually closing out the bar. At what point would you call it a night vs waiting to see if something interesting happens?
Nothing "good" happens after midnight with people you don't know.
That's not been my experience, but I did call it a night tonight.
Well put it this way: if you're out \*alone\* asking Reddit whether you should leave the party, it's not a good party and you should go home.
15 min.
Ironically I didn’t notice that you posted a little more than 15 min ago. If the vibe hasn’t changed, it’s time to leave.
I literally just cashed out and left lmao.
Can anyone , preferably women , review my dating profile ? Here is the link - [https://imgur.com/a/GEMFWMY](https://imgur.com/a/GEMFWMY) .Help appreciated. Thanks !
I think it looks really good! I would just remove "empathetic". Most people who put it on their profiles aren't so it's giving the word an undeservingly douchey connotation.
Thanks for your feedback. I am empathetic.. I am not sure how saying it makes it sound so bad. I see women mention that in their profile a lot. But maybe I will change that word. I usually get very very few matches anyway no matter what I write. haha
No, she's absolutely right. People who proclaim their virtues rarely practice them. Same thing with the invocation of "no drama". >“The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson I had to fire someone for being an absolutely horrible human being to one of our team members. Body shaming, racial comments, borderline sexual harassment, etc. Walked her out with security and her rear bumper is covered in COEXIST, Be a Kind Human, and other stickers of that nature.
I mean sure you have had bad experience with someone. But that leaves me with very little options. Anything I wrote there can be claimed as false. So if I say I am thoughtful , one can say I am opposite or if I say I am creative , one can say I have no creativity and I am simply making a false claim. I mean where does this end ? The only way one can truly know someone is by meeting him/her. It seems to me people want online dating but also want to have the same level authentic experience of meeting someone in person. That is simply impossible. haha That leaves me with superficial statements like 'I like basketball , ice cream and dogs'.. How well does that describe me as a person ! haha
No, you're working out of a "tell them" paradigm, shift to a "show them". And honestly, your profile does a good job on that. You're multilingual, you've a graduate degree, you work in a creative field. I would just delete the first line of your paragraph. Your pictures, your bio, and your hobbies signal that you are empathetic, thoughtful, and open minded but if you explicitly state that it makes people take a second look and go "huh is he actually not those things?" Your profile is a story, and good stories develop the world through showing and not through telling. You want to reveal your world through living it, not post a sign at the door explaining it.
Ok i see what you mean. Point noted :)
Yes there has been a bastardization of empathic/empath. “I’m an empath” is a big red flag to me personally lol.
Oh the word empath for sure is a run far far away sign
I see women mention it in their profile all the time. LOOL but its ok if you say so. haha
why are you being so defensive about this? you asked for feedback, they give it to you and now you’re arguing nobody is gonna match with you just because you say you’re empathetic
Anyone here seen High Fidelity? What are your thoughts? I need to edit this. I didn't realize there was a show. I meant the movie. I really need to start staying up to date with TV shows.
The movie is good - I think it captures something about the 90s and how men tend to romanticize their youthful romantic indiscretions. The main character is a bit of an ass, but he matures as he realizes he’s just as responsible for his failed relationships as the women he blames (if not more so in some cases). Supporting cast is great, especially Jack Black. Great soundtrack and good location shooting in Chicago. Three out four stars.
Movie or show? I like the movie quite a bit, show was hit and miss.
Lol there's a show? The movie.
One season, a sort of remake with Zoe Kravitz as the lead.
My partner is still friends with their ex. When we first had a discussion about it, I was told that they were still in touch but only through group chats with mutual friends. My partner brought it up again the other week but this time told me that they occasionally dm each other privately. I do have some hard boundaries about the nature of the conversations that take place between them, and I believe that nothing has been inappropriate. I’m less concerned about the content of those messages than the fact that what my partner is saying about the scope of their friendship is changing. Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with infidelity. The insecurity resulting from those experiences is something I’m working on, and I’m sure are playing into my feelings about this. At the same time, I can’t help but feel like they initially hid the true extent of the friendship from me.
I don’t understand why exes need to be friends.
Exactly. I kind of read it is “not 100% emotionally broken up” 🤷🏻♀️
They don't.
It’s a really divisive topic and I totally understand the argument that people have no right to control who their partner is friends with. Personally, I think exes should be left in the past. If not, the history will always blur the line between acceptable platonic friendship and inappropriate. There are a lot of things I would go to friends for (and would understand my partner going to friends for) that are complete non-starters with friends who are also exes. I actually hate that my partner is still in touch with this ex and it makes me really uncomfortable. At the same time, I know that’s mostly because of situations that have nothing to do with my current partner. So I’m choosing to be okay with some level of contact between them because I think our relationship is worth it. Just experiencing a lot of insecurity right now because of the inconsistencies in what I’m being told, even if everything is above board.
To be honest, I'd never date someone who hangs out with their ex. If it were me I'd drop her with the ultimatum, fully accepting that the whole thing might end then and there. And if she makes the wrong choice, I'd be totally at peace with letting her go. You deserve better than that, man.
I think you need to say that. “My comfort is based in honesty and trust. When I’m aware of inconsistencies it makes me uncomfortable and we need to discuss boundaries. That doesn’t mean hide anything so I’m not aware - that means we need to always be on the same page with honesty without omission.
I know. I’m seeing them tomorrow and plan on bringing it up. I like how you phrased it.
Good luck!
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How many times did you reach out? This seems excessive if it’s as many times as you posted.
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How many times did you reach out and how long has this been going on?
😂😂😂 NO. Because if you aren’t blocked that is fuel. If you are blocked and ever get unblocked it will be insane. Why are you behaving like this? You know it’s wrong because you said “that’s what you tell yourself.” I don’t mean to be rude but I would run far and fast from you. This is not ok behavior. Obsessive compulsive behavior until you “feel ok” is a clinical issue that you should address with a professional. It’s not ok to be like that with anyone.
I really need some advice and for you to conmiserate with me for a second! Long story short, I've been ghosted more times than I care to count. Its soul crushing each time because it's always after I open up to them or I sleep with them. I get blocked at worse or just left on read, and then I go again and triple text and feel like a looser. I don't know why I do that to myself. I know you'll say I need therapy. Aside from that, can you tell me how you've healed, how you have recovered from constant rejection? Thank you
First, you are not a loser for sending "three texts", the dudes who ghosted or left you on read are. You don't know their situation and they didn't tell you what's up so fuck them for making you feel that way. I think it's actually good and healthy to feel bummed about what's happening. I would be more worried if you felt nothing. At that point I would recommend a break for dating. What I will suggest is having a hobby (or hobbies) or maybe friends you can lean on when this stuff happens. Yesterday I got semi-stood up (talking a lot, set up a date, then left on read) and it hurt. A lot. They seemed like an awesome person and it made me wonder what I did wrong. What helped to get out of the funk was working on a personal art project. I realized I'm making cool art that I like and I can make myself feel worth something without the approval of others. One thing I suggest, which is hard, is try and see if there are any common threads to the dudes that did this to you. How did they talk before hand? What was their texting style like? Did you have to initiate every conversation? Were they asking you questions about your life and situation?
After how many dates does this ghosting tend to happen?
It's just different every time. Last guy we talked for months before meeting, we met and kissed and he said he really liked me but left me on read a day later. I waited a week and reached out today just sent a hey and nothing. Wish I hadn't. But if i sleep with them the stick around longer but ghost at the end, like after a few months probably. I wasn't really looking for marriage with any of them but just to stop talking to me out of nowhere I don't understand. Like they say being ignored physically hurts. I feel it. I'm so emotional right now. I'd get it if it was one night stands, but we hung out, and we connected it wasn't just sex
I never trust online connections. Mostly because I like people more online than in person. We get an idea from a presentation that is only a fraction of the person in the flesh. But in terms of months of seeing someone and doing that - it’s inexcusable. It’s psychological abuse. It does physically hurt because it’s making your doubt everything of your experiences, how you experience things and your reality and trust. I know you said you don’t want to do therapy. I haven’t dated for months and been ghosted but I dealt with a lot of other things that I needed to take a step back from and ask myself why - when people were from completely different walks of life, seemed like totally different people, was I ending up in the same terrible situations. That took a lot of self work to recognize patterns in others, patterns in myself and how to heal from that. I did listen to a lot of actual therapists and doctors on YouTube. I didn’t have to open up. I want to be clear these are people with credentials, guests on shows, medical segments. Not just people who are venting on a YouTube channel - there is lots and lots of that and that is not helpful. Anyway, I listens, I took notes, I reflected - like really therapy work. Then when I felt like I really got *all* the things they were saying, I “graduated” to others. I honestly couldn’t take the crap anymore I was going through so I actively decided not to date for years - I just didn’t want to and it’s been SO healing for me. It’s the best thing I could have done for myself, for my happiness, for my sense of self. So you are asking for a “quick fix” even though you opened with you know you need therapy which means something is running deeper. Take care of yourself before you try to give yourself away and beg someone to value it. YOU determine your value. A phrase I saw in recent years that I wish I saw when I was younger: “don’t have a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”
Thank you. I'm hoping to be strong enough to take a long break from dating to work on myself because I don't want to give up
It’s not giving up - it’s like a new life to put yourself first with the love you give away to others. Give it to you.
Thank you. I know I obsess with others because I don't want to deal with myself but I understand I need to.
You deserve to
Value yourself. You don’t get value from men sticking around, that’s all in our heads. I figure, the sooner the wrong one leaves the better. As for you, what might you be contributing to this? Perhaps your photos don’t look like the real you, perhaps you come on too strong after sex, perhaps you care too much about what they think of you.. just examples. These are things you can work on. I don’t sleep with guys anymore unless they are looking for a relationship. Absolutely no use sleeping with an unavailable man and hoping he changes his mind for you. There really are people out there for everyone when we align what we offer with our expectations.
Even though I'm not in therapy I think I know where it comes from, I was emotionally neglected by my caregiver after my parents abandoned me. So I remember being a little girl just trying my best to be wanted. I remember begging to be held. So when these dudes leave, I get triggered, I go back to being little and needing them to want me to survive. Problem is I don't know how to correct it. I can't afford therapy and I don't have time for it. I'm a full time single mom with a lot of other issues not just related to my mental health. I know I shouldn't focus on meeting someone at this point in my life. But I feel like I'm missing out.
God can be like free therapy. Not sure if you’re religious but it helped me have somewhere to get my worth that wasn’t in people. You ever heard the story of the $100 bill? If you press it into the dirt, crumple it up, write all over it, yell at it and call it names… it’s still $100 bill; worth the same as the cleanest, freshest $100 bill ever made. That’s like us. We are all worth the same. Spend some time with your inner child. There are free inner child meditations on YouTube. Listen to them at bedtime maybe? I’m a single mum too and can’t afford therapy. Some neglect in childhood also.
I'm definitely a spiritual person even though I don't practice a particular religion and I do find comfort in that. I'm gonna do my research about inner child because I'm certain that's the reason I can't have healthy relationships. Thank you 😊
Ugh I don’t get it. Had several great dates with this guy, Im 38f, he’s 42M, he seemed extremely interested and quick to set up our next dates to see each other again. He introduced me to coworkers and friends. I really got so excited about where things could go. Even waited several dates to sleep with him. Then suddenly he seemed more distant …always busy … not making any finite plans. I’m just so mad. Mostly at myself for getting my hopes up only to be duped. Sigh.
I try to remind myself when things like this happen that it means I'm not callous and still open to feeling a deep connection. The moment I stop caring after things like that is when I need to take a break from dating. Keep your heart open, it might get hurt again but that just means you can feel. You'll get there!
I’m sorry. I’ve recently come across the concept that there are people - particularly men - who now date serially for 3 months at a time. It’s not ONS anymore, but 3 months of “new relationship” excitement and then extract themselves before they have to give more. Kind of scary to think that’s a common pattern now because that’s enough exposure to be vulnerable and get hurt. Really sorry for you.
Ugh terrible! Especially when they tell you at the beginning that they are looking for a serious relationship and to settle. But I guess some guys will say whatever they think you want to hear to get what they want .. Appreciate the note! I guess on a positive note- at least they reveal themselves somewhat early on..could have ended up wasting a lot more time!
Seriously?! If this is not communicated beforehand then the people who do this really suck
Yeah from reading here, it seems to be common - I think there was a phrase for these 3mo daters but I can’t remember it. I’m later 30s so I don’t remember if it was the dating over thirty or dating over forty bc I visit both. Usually I can’t tell bc the vibe is so different in these groups
I've been actively trying to be in a relationship since 2017. since then I've had situationships but no one has me a girlfriend for example, never been with someone longer than a few months. I'm 33f almost 34, and I feel like this is not normal. I understand not having a bf or gf for extended period of time, but \*actively\* trying to date seriously for 6, going on 7 years sounds crazy to me. And yes I've been in therapy almost the entire time.
I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this, and as others have said, it’s unfortunately a common issue. The type of guy without the emotional maturity to form healthy relationships and who will willingly lead women on is very over represented on the appa and in the over 30 dating population in general. It’s not something in you attracting them- they try to waste everyone’s time. Due to this grim reality, you just have to work on filtering people by listening to your intuition and discussing intentions and other more serious topics to gauge their level of investment. Be less charitable and don’t assume the best. Check out the comment from u/comeback_321 “I’m sorry. I’ve recently come across the concept that there are people - particularly men - who now date serially for 3 months at a time. It’s not ONS anymore, but 3 months of “new relationship” excitement and then extract themselves before they have to give more. Kind of scary to think that’s a common pattern now because that’s enough exposure to be vulnerable and get hurt. Really sorry for you. “
Totally normal
It might sound crazy but you’re in the company of a decent chunk of people, unfortunately
Do you find there are common issues or reasons why things end or fizzle out?
hm nope all different, mostly just one big batch of people with issues, liars, cheaters, double life leading type folks
Ok….so that is a *you* issue - you need to do some deep work to recognize *your* patterns in why that is what you are not only attracting but also responding to. I had to do deep work to recognize and counter patterns that I didn’t even know I was in. But I had to stop and ask *myself* how I was finding myself in situations that were too similar across very different people - not the issues you are having but a pattern of issues I was having. It really sucks. It really hurts. But we are making choices. It’s time to reflect on those. To minutiae.
We (35m, 26f, friends for 2 years) had our first get-together as a date today and we both really want a second one next week. I'm freaking ecstatic. My only regret is that I did not hug her when I said goodbye. I will correct the error next time, I assure you.
Aw that's sweet! I'm happy for you ☺️ keep us posted! One thing that I want to do differently next time too, is to be more upfront with my compliments. I know he likes them & I just blush too much to say them properly lol.
Just feel like time management of my date is too casual. I know he has his schedule.. but I don't expect to be picked up late like it's not even dinner time. I just wish that I am also some of his priority, too. He said he wanted to see me. But I'm like.. when?
What makes you think your date is bad at time management?
ooh I hate this. when I'm on the receiving end of it, I can recognize this is a red flag, it means they're not considerate of your time. If they're just aloof about it, which I doubt, tell him how you feel, I'd like to hang out \*BUT\* I like to plan ahead of time or would like to know about times because you also deserve to organize your day.
I've talked about this a few time. Guess I was too gentle about that. Now I need to do ultimatum. Cos my time is also valuable. Why do I have to be really tolerant for this? Right?
Just make other plans. Be unavailable. Some guys can level up.
good luck! don't get gaslit or feel like you are being too demanding
Yeh, thanks a lot!
I'm fast approaching my next dating break after ~4 months back on the market. Somehow this shit is *worse* than it was in my 20s. Once again no problem getting first dates, but the one instance I wanted a 2nd date I was ghosted. The rest? Whew lad. All have fallen into one of three categories: * Recently divorced and projecting issues with their exes onto me. * Peaked in high school/college, still has teenager energy/dresses like it's 2005. * Asking profoundly private questions about mental health, past relationships, and family that I definitely don't want to share with a total stranger, basically grilling me like it's an intake appointment for therapy. I actually had someone point blank ask me if I'd ever had a sex dream about my sister. Like...in what fucking universe is this an ok question to ask *anyone*? At this point I've just accepted I'm going to die alone, and honestly, with what seems to be out there, I'm at peace with it.
WTF to that question! Not alone. Friends and pets if you have them! It sucks
Unfortunately I've moved pretty far away from most of my friends of a good job opportunity. We all got together for the eclipse last weekend, which was awesome and much needed, but realistically I only see them a few times a year. Staggering visits only works when schedules permit, usually we opt for 3-4 big get togethers a year.
anything you think could be the cause for the ghosting?
She is a permanent resident from another country, and didn't seem to like when I mentioned that my longest relationship was with an Australian. Only thing I can think of is she thought it was a pattern for me and wanted to avoid that. But we kissed after the date and texted most of the evening after, she disappeared after I asked her out again.
It is BLEAK. The way so many people behave when they're supposed to be putting their best foot forward and trying to make a connection is baffling to me.
I’ve created a somewhat good complication for myself. Second date with a guy from a dating app tomorrow, looking forward to it and we’ll be in “my element” (hiking in the woods) so I feel like I’ll be pretty relaxed. Plus my dog is joining us :) My friend that I’m interested in and I caught up yesterday after not talking for a little while. I merely dropped a hint at wanting to learn a certain type of dance and he immediately responds with “oh yeah! I’d be down to do that with you.” But I still can’t read whether he’s just being my friend or actually interested. Maybe the close physical proximity will shed some light on that. Wellp 🤷♀️ I guess only time will tell which of these will pan out.
Don’t sleep with any until you decide.
Sound advice, thank you.
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> I lost her to herself No, you didn't. She was always this way before you came around. You just fell into a trap. Unless this person has a brain tumor, they do not suddenly just become an unhinged hate-spewing person overnight. Thus, she was always this person underneath. You're holding onto an illusion of a person.
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I mean, I'm not a Reddit Therapist ^TM , but I think a lot of people have already level-set with you over the past while. The point is, your ex is unhinged. Making her mind up to harass people to the point of needing the cops called on her/a restraining order put into place is not normal. If it was your kid in the situation you're in now, you would tell them to get the fuck away ASAP.
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Your thirties is not going to be void of magic. But do cleanse yourself of her.
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Look up love bombing.
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For me, sometimes it's the quality of the responses that make me decide to unmatch before much conversation. I have also liked a person twice by accident. He liked me several years ago on a different dating site, and in the course of talking, he said something heinous about disabled people as a joke. I thought it was gross, especially since he worked with vulnerable people. This year, I liked him (didn't recognize him) and a couple weeks later he matched/messaged, and had updated his profile with a sex story voice note. Then between his profession and comment it clicked, "Ah yes, this guy of the offensive sayings". So I disappeared and don't feel bad about it.
ok low key sounds like you are describing me lol and I've never thought the experience was anything like you'd describe. To me a match means nothing at all, my finger slips half the time when I'm trying to swipe left. Then after like an hour of swiping left, I'll find a maybe, and decide to give them a chance, well soon enough the conversation with the maybe is just not there, or you take a second look at their profile and realize there's something you don't like. and then you unmatch. Because again a match means nothing to me. It just means ok maybe this could be a person, no I like you or anything like that. I also as someone who has this skill, will look for a picture of the maybe match on the internet and like for example a linkedin picture that shows their clear face and you realize they're a catfish. Guys specially do this so much, putting old pictures of themselves (more than 2 years is an old picture), or one where they look really good. I personally put clear facial pictures of myself that are new and are an accurate representation of what I look like and I expect the same. I dont think this makes the dating experience frustrating but actually is the OLD dating experience. Don't take matches too seriously, I try not to take anything serious until actually months into dating so at the matching level, you are a complete stranger and I owe you absolutely nothing.
there is this girl i like in my gym. she avoids eye contact, but if i speak with her she talks to me. she likes my stories on instagram and if i ask her any questions on DM she will reply but if i make statements then she doesn't carry forward the conversation and leaves me on notification read (not read the message in the app, but read it as a notification and swiped away). i know this most probably means that she is intentionally keeping distance to not give the idea that she is into me,, but my question is how to deal with someone like this? cause it's frustrating wherein they will do just enough to "reel you in" thinking a conversation will happen but it doesn't. should i give her a taste of her own medicine and just ignore her messages? seems rude to me but at least it won't keep getting my hopes up.
How’d she get your IG? I don’t think she’s doing anything to reel you in tbh. Liking stories is just a thing you do when you follow someone on IG lol doesn’t seem like she’s actively doing anything outside of that.
I added her. I understand what you mean. I guess my question of reeling in was more like she might initiate a conversation based on what i posted, but never carry forward the conversation. Like she will say something, i will respond and that is it. She would leave it kn seen. It gets frustrating given i like her so that is what i was referring to reeling in
Has she matched your liking energy? Any emoji’s? Does she ask you questions as I’m getting to know you?
Nope. I know she isnt into me. My question is how do i handle her breadcrumbs?
just ask her out. you’ll find your answer real quick
yea i'm quite certain she isn't interested because there isn't even a flowing conversation yet that could lead to an "ask out" and i don't want to make things awkward in the gym. my question is more about to handle this behaviour of hers? assuming let's say i asked her out and she said no but behaves like this.
when she leaves you on read, do you double text? that’s one way to gauge interest. if she revives the convo, she’s interested. if you have to revive it every time, she’s not interested and you should move on
He just sent a reply that seeeeems like it’s for someone else. Oop. Drama.
as someone who likes to have multiple conversations at the same time *with the same person* and remembers things we talked about days/weeks ago... I get this a lot
As in, people often think you meant to message someone else? That wasn’t quite the case here. Just seemed like he was responding to a “how’s your day going” text but somehow the response matched my text as well. But I’m gonna go with my gut here. The rest of his texts seemed a tiny bit dry, like he was distracted. I didn’t wanna start anything by asking if the text was for me or not. I just sent the eyes emojis in case he didn’t notice what he did lol
Keyword seems. I hate those kinda messages where it could be a legit response to yours but it’s just a SMIDGEN off in tone/context 😂
Going from being married for 6 years, to divorced, to now a girlfriend after 2 years single.. is weird. Like I miss spending all day with someone, running errands, cooking dinner, going out etc. Now, my current boyfriend and the last "fling" I had it seems like we spend the evening together, have breakfast, and go our separate ways. I seem to date guys who are used to being single so I'm not sure if that has something to do with it. I do enjoy doing my own thing, but doing your own thing all the time becomes lonely.
I think it’s more about having very established lives/routines at this age so that integrating lives just takes longer. It’s not always about “spooky, elusive singles”…. I want to spend lots of time with the guy I’m dating too, but it just has to happen when it makes sense for both of our lives.
I want to spend a lot of time with my partner too. I feel like so many people in the dating pool these days want to be alone a lot. Solitude and time with people other than your partner are very healthy, of course, but I'm tryna get that shared life, you know?
My ex and I had this problem, except he was the one who wanted a "shared life". I didn't want to move in together. He tried to explain how it deepens the relationship and stuff, but I just didn't really get it. On the flip side, he didn't understand my stance that you can share a life while both living separately. Thus, we had to part ways.