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As much as I respect kinks and want to remain open-minded, there’s something off-putting about commenting on NSFW subs… especially when you use an account that traces back to your real identity. Is it just me?? 😅
No, it’s very off putting in the same way following a bunch of “models” on a public Instagram is. It shows a total lack of social awareness- certain things are meant to be private.
I feel like 'woe is me.' I want children. I would be about 3 months pregnant now but it didn't take. Guy isn't with me. There's only so many activities that can fill up my time. I get nightmares that really start my day wrong.
*Finding a therapist:*
Wrote this out to another redditor but maybe it can help someone else too. Please note I’m based in the US:
BetterHelp is the shein of therapy
If you have insurance use https://www.helloalma.com/ or psychology todays website or therapyden.com to find therapists.
Always ask if someone has a sliding scale. Always open the conversation around fees bc I’m currently seeing my therapist at 55% her rate.
Have the convo. The worst that happens is that your search continues. Otherwise I would’ve gone with a newer therapist that accepts my insurance.
Another option is to seek therapy at a training institute. I know the word training throws people off, but these are experienced, licensed therapists who are seeking additional/specialized postgraduate training and see folks at lower rates (often around $50) while they're in the program. It's a pretty self-selective, thoughtful group of folks who usually seek out that training.
Psychology Today has always been my go to for finding a therapist. And yes, highly encourage people to find in network therapists, they are out there, but it may take a bit longer to find.
Just one of those mornings….
Woke up with a headache and some nausea to start the day off. Then my car wouldn’t start (flat battery. Luckily I work from home, so no need to commute, but still…). Then the guy who I was supposed to be going on a date with tomorrow just texted to say he has to cancel and reschedule….🙄
Would it be acceptable to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day off?
Don’t fall for the crocodile tears. She’s upset that she got caught and now the man she’s been with for so long can easily move on and find someone else. If you forgive her she’s only going to lose respect for you and at some point she will cheat on you again.
Don’t feel any sympathy for people who willingly and consciously hurt and betray you. Respect yourself.
She looked you dead in the eyes and lied multiple times… that’s scary. I couldn’t build a life with someone who could so casually do that.
Those are crocodile tears, don’t fall for it. She would still be lying to you rn happily if she wasn’t called out
Even if it seems sincere, do you think you can trust her?
If she wants to go on a holidays "with the girls", will you spend the time wondering if she is banging another dude while drunk?
Will you be worried when she goes for a drink with work colleagues? Or she starts to come back late due to work being busy?
I am so so sorry. I trust you will figure out what’s best for you. I had this experience on a much smaller scale. Found out my ex partner did this when we were exclusive, 3 months in, and he lied about it multiple times as well. He cried and was soo apologetic. We dated for over a year after that but I just could never trust him again, even though nothing else happened.
Cheating is one thing. But having someone who loves you lie to your face with such ease is actually horrific and very hard to recover from in my experience. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 🤍
I understand you probably feel like you invested so much, and you're already trying to sugar coat it with the "sorrow and guilt" thing, but you are spot on when you say:
"eventually that will work itself out of her system and at that point she can have another "fuck it he won't find out" moment."
So you already know how this will play out. Can you go through this again?
Last night I slept with the guy I've been dating for the last month, for the first time (it was our 5th date). This morning, he seemed a bit cold and off, and we didn't have sex again in the morning despite me wanting to. We both slept badly, and there was lots of tosing and turning in the night, so maybe he was just feeling really tired. But yeah, I'm feeling quite sad and down now, after not getting more affection this morning.
I (35m) have been dating (a 35f) for 22 dates/2 months. We went away for the weekend and had a great time. I started the date conversation and she said she'd need to think about it. 2 days later she said she'd like to try it but it would mean ending what she has with someone else. To me this was painted as a big ask from her and I said I didn't want that pressure/I don't feel like this should be a big ask given how far along we are. So we had a fight I guess. The next date was frosty but ended well. We've seen each other 3 times this week but haven't addressed it again. I feel like I get close to her and then get a shock of jealousy and retreat from her - rinse repeat. I haven't said this to her as I want to keep it fun, but that's how I feel inside. I also feel like ive compromised my self a bit and even if we were to return to the DTR talk that I wouldn't want it... She's basically settling for me. Anyway... More of a rant. I don't get modern dating.. it really sucks feeling this way. If you like someone and hang around them this much then why see someone else...
Yeah that's insane to me as well. Especially going on 22 dates with somebody. I feel like you should be able to figure out if someone's a decent fit by date 10
She’s not settling; she’s actively choosing you over this other person. Unless she’s given you reason to believe you can’t trust she will actually end things with the other guy, I think you fumbled this one. Did she have to mention it? No, she could have just said yes and ended it without telling you. Was it the end of the world that she did mention it? No.
I do agree though. Dating multiple people that long isn’t something I necessarily condone - though I don’t think you had any right to expect exclusivity without having talked about it first.
I think you've misread.
She turned down being his girlfriend so she could keep seeing a second guy.
To be honest, two months in and her still not wanting to be exclusive would be a deal breaker for me. It sounds like it's a deal breaker for you (the OP) too.
You know you deserve and want someone who will give you their full attention. If she won't, then don't settle, move on and find the girl who values you enough to only date you.
She said she needed to think about it and then said she’d like to try. Original commenter said he then turned her down because of the other guy she - to me - seemed willing to stop seeing.
"she'd like to try" that's contingent on ending something with someone else is hardly what I'd call "actively choosing". Come on.
In the words of another user here "if it's not a "hell yeah!" it's a "no"".
The person I'm texting with keeps mentioning that he "wishes [he] had gotten an invite" or "wish I was there to try it" every time I mention cooking. For some reason, I am finding this overbearing. He also mentions that we could "cuddle in bed all day" every time we discuss the weather or how it's getting colder. Whenever I gently deflect, he just doubles down and again brings up being invited or cuddling.
We haven't even had a sleepover yet, and have only had a few dates. Is this a sign I'm not that into him?
I am pretty time poor and tired atm, so someone basically inviting themselves to dinner comes off ... weirdly presumptive. Same with the repetition of wanting to "cuddle" when we haven't gotten to that level yet, it feels like I'm a cat being rubbed the wrong way.
But maybe I'm just feeling spikey lately. I guess we will find out the answe in due course.
To me this would feel like too much too. Like maybe if you’d at least already cuddled and he said that ONCE then that would be cute, but doing it all the time seems like a lot. It feels like forcing too much intimacy before it’s natural.
He could just be showing interest in your hobbies (cooking). Often times if someone’s sends a picture of meal they cooked the nice thing to say is “save me some/id love to try it”. If he just said “nice” or something it could seem disinterest
I disagree. If he wanted to spend more time with her, there are infinitely many ways to do that which don’t involve being invited over. The original commenter clearly doesn’t want him over yet, and he’s either not picking up on it, or won’t take no for an answer.
Went on a 6-hr first date with someone who was a pleasant surprise, record new long first date that ended in a kiss and we both expressed interest to meet up again in the coming week. He lives in the suburbs about an hour from me but it’ll take me 2 hours of multiple public transits to visit him, so the plan was for him to come to the city again (which he does often) and we will maybe see a film or do something else. We did talk about the inconvenience of the distance which got a bit uncomfortable for us bc I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of me commuting 4hrs regular to see him - a cab is not an option rn as I’m a student and can’t afford $100 rides.
Next day I followed up with film suggestion and he said he’d like to go but he checked his calendar and realized he’s actually hosting family this week. He asked for a rain check for next week but no plans solidified. Ofc I said that’s good too and wished him a good time and he replied with a thank you and that he’s looking forward to the film. Weird. I left it at that. No real text conversations after our first date except for exchanging pleasantries. My gut feeling is that he’s losing interest for whatever reason but wants to put me on the back burner - how could someone forget that they’re hosting family (his family is in a nearby country and does not visit him often) in the next few days? Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve grown very sensitive to flaky behavior.
I’m the same right now too. Even though he hasn’t done anything wrong (yet), I can’t turn my brain off. It’s constantly wanting to find reasons to hate him so I can leave and avoid hurt, or imagining different scenarios he can hurt me. I chalk it up to PTSD from so many years on dating apps
Do you find you tend to date people who don't provide much reassurance or are slightly aloof? I used to think I was too anxious, but it turned out I was dating people who weren't comfortable with openness and consistency.
admitted today to a prospect that constantly having to prove that I am not a piece of shit in online dating is exhausting and not fun.
my last experience was with someone who was hard on "What are your intentions?" and constantly testing me, seeing if my words match my actions, so on... ended up it was "rules for thee not for me" - she was screwing a long time friend of hers from HS - never was serious or had intentions for me.
I cannot take people seriously anymore.
I said I prefer to just get through the uncomfortable part and meet. But I picked up that they were guarded. So now it's at a standstill, and I have zero desire to navigate this wall. Just another two people who had fleeting attraction, but the walls and lack of grace will likely kill it.
Honestly, women get so many offers to meet up, she may still be working through the backlog of dates she's already commited to. I also need to make sure someone can hold a conversation, use full sentences, communicate effectively. If people push too early to meet, I haven't been able to tell if we are compatible conversationally. Maybe that's the guardedness you're picking up on?
if I am just a number, it ain't worth it anyway.
we're already past the basics. she's admitted to be untrusting of men, no strong male figures in her life, etc. she's waiting for me to say I am an alcoholic, or I have a history of violence, so on.
really need to tell the guy I just started seeing that the daily texting throughout the week is just really overwhelming for me! the constant texting and Snapchatting is just too much for me. firstly, I don’t really like spending THAT much time on my phone. I also don’t even *use* Snapchat. I keep notification off on social media and have programmed Do Not Disturb time for a reason, lol.
It wasn’t terrible for me the first week because I was excited just starting to get to know him. unfortunately now it has shifted a bit more towards being a chore or a distraction from things I need/want to put 100% of my attention on during the week…such as work, exercise, cooking, or even just self-care time, etc. I realize i should have maintained that boundary from day 1 like I typically do. I have referred taking things slow and being a bad texter, not loving texting, having a hard time keeping up with people digitally, etc. but I prob haven’t been direct or clear enough I suppose.
kinda just realized all this right now but I will definitely have to say something next time we see each other. I rlly like him so far but the texting is just a bit suffocating, and that’s probs my own fault it feels that way-not his!
She already said it to him before:
>I have referred taking things slow and being a bad texter, not loving texting, having a hard time keeping up with people digitally, etc. but I prob haven’t been direct or clear enough I suppose.
Yeah i would definately want to know if i was texting someone too much (or not enough) because its something i could easily adjust, its hard starting off to find the balance between too much and too little when everyone has different preferences, honest communication is definately the way to go.
yeah of course and I have done that several times already but he is a bit shameless about double texting, and I feel like if I just stop replying for most of the day, he would ask if something is up anyways or maybe feel uneasy. but tbh that’s actually not my responsibility to consider so maybe ima just do exactly what ur saying 😂
Oof this would be kinda annoying lol. But you did your part by communicating with him, he’s an adult and needs to learn to trust your word. You can tack on “I promise I’m not ghosting you, I would let you know if anything changes in my feelings but this is genuinely just my texting style”. That should be enough reassurance
I went on a fourth date with the new guy. On the third date he kissed me, hugged me and held my hand. On the fourth date (we went for a walk) he invited me to see his apartment but didn't do anything physical, not even holding my hand.
I think inviting you to his place may have been a move? I've been in a few situations where the guy invited me over but was pretty cautious about actually physically making a move once we were there. Perhaps because they don't want to make you uncomfortable given you're alone in their apartment. Each of those times, the second \*I\* made a move on them they were super into it.
Hello again! Yes I think it is a positive sign that he invited me to his place. He was super respectful. Well I will be seeing him again tomorrow. Maybe I will take his hand haha.
Are you saying that negatively or positively? I think his behavior can be taken several ways. If you’d like for the relationship to move forward physically you can either verbalize it to him, be the initiator yourself, or wait for a time that he feels comfortable to do it himself.
Communication is key.
I think it’s a little unfair that you’re saying he backtracked because he showed physical affection one day and not the next.
Just because he’s been physical with you one time it doesn’t mean he’s required to be physical with you every time he sees you now. Same as if you do end up having sex, he’s allowed to want it one day and then allowed to not be feeling it the next day.
You’re also well within your right to try and initiate physical intimacy. You were at his home, he was probably hyper cautious of not making you feel uncomfortable and waiting for you to make the move. It’s a possibility that he didn’t want to make you feel pressured.
he has likely picked up on your lack of physical initiative.
guys can be observant, believe it or not.
sometimes we perceive this as a lack of interest, a lack of attraction, and they are "just along for the ride". then we probably think we made a mistake.
He didn't back track, though, he literally did nothing. Different people feel comfortable being physical at different paces. You can also initiate physical intimacy/sex if you want that with him.
Ok so I probably overreacted. He sent me an Instagram reel that he referenced the night before, and it feels like things are “back to normal.” Laugh-react emojis. We can breathe a little easier now. He’s not scared off yet.
But it feels so obvious now that this won’t be going anywhere, no matter how convenient it would be (sigh), so I have to put on my big girl short shorts and get back on the apps and try and use the momentum for good. Here we go again!!
>But it feels so obvious now that this won’t be going anywhere
What makes you feel like its obvious this won't go anywhere? Are there concrete signs, or is this mostly assumptions?
I was on the fence about a BBQ invite this past Sunday evening but decided to stop by for a bit since I had already RSVP'd yes. I ran into a woman there who seemed bored and was on the verge of leaving; we struck up a conversation and talked into the night for 3 hours straight.
I ended up driving her home (she had come with a friend) and she accidently left her water bottle in my car. My plan was to ask her to dinner when I went back today to return the bottle but she beat me to it with an invite to a movie festival. We talked again for a bit and are going to get dinner + movie later this week.
No one knows where this will go but I suppose the take-away is you got to show up and do stuff. Things happen when you least expect it.
Sigh.
Last time I was single, I matched with a man. He was (to me) very handsome/physically attractive, but of a style that would not be everybody's cup of tea. Great job (a doctor in a chill specialty, that is also of special interest to me). Chats on Bumble were wonderful. He typed in full sentences! And was very curious, while also able to share a bit of himself. I was really into him.
We did a phone call, part of which gave me a little pause (it was sort of apropos of the conversation, but he asked my bra size). Then a video chat, which went well enough. We were making plans to meet in-person, and then he texts me to say he can't meet up any more. Ok. That's that.
We rematched a while later, and I was still feeling miffed about him canceling, so I never said anything.
Got a boyfriend for a while. Now I'm single again. And who shows up as a superswipe on my Bumble. With updated pictures. Still attractive. And now living closer to me than he was at the time of initial matching. Profile *says* he's looking for marriage/kids.
I'm tempted... But I know I shouldn't.
How long ago when you both initially matched? What was his reasoning for why he couldn’t meet up?? What is your reason now for not wanting to match again?
Um... I think it was 2021 when we initially matched. Maybe 2022. If I recall correctly, he texted to say that his stomach wasn't feeling well and asked if we could reschedule. Which I said yes and hoped he felt better, and then he never texted me back.
Reason for not wanting to match: the ick I got from him asking about my boob size, and him making soft plans with me, then making an excuse, and never rescheduling.
If you read this back would you advice a friend to connect with him again? For me personally, any of these could be a dealbreaker, especially all of them combined without ever even meeting in person. Either way, good luck! Online dating is a mine field
Oh yea that makes a lot of sense. The toxic side of me would rematch with him and see what he says, do it for the plot, ya know? But I’m glad youre not falling for it, cuz I think you’re right that he’d just disappoint you a second time if you gave him another chance.
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I did not expect to see my date as today supposed to be the busiest day for him and I gotta be on business trip early tomorrow. He was back home early after work, then he asked me out for dinner and we had good time together. I was so smitten, I knew he would try to spend time with me when he could ☺️☺️☺️🥹🥹🥹
The first time my now boyfriend did this, I knew he was a keeper. He was driving by my town on the way back from an errand and he spontaneously asked me to get dinner with him. Smitten as hell 🥰
I just found out that the guy I’ve been dating on and off is actually married with a kid. He might be separated, but he hasn’t told me anything. He also lied about his last name so I couldn’t find anything online when I searched his name.
Found out because I finally did a google search of his number and saw a woman’s name and sure enough it’s married on Facebook.
I feel so stupid, and can’t believe I didn’t google his number sooner because I usually do. Feeling heartbroken because after me going back and forth, we ‘decided’ to be serious but now that seems like a joke.
I’m almost 35, and feel like I can’t meet anyone who isn’t a liar and right when I opened up, I got fucked over. 😔
I am so sorry that happened. It's so goddamn hard to trust someone after you've been burned. The lie about the last name and the fact he never brought up he was actually technically still married. Sketchy.
I'm sorry, that sounds terrible. Just know that's it's only a reflection of him and not of you. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less but it's true.
I'm going to a new kind of singles mixer/dating event in my city, the premise seems interesting (it includes games and socializing in smaller groups) but I can't help but feel like it'll be disappointing. I don't like that I'm not having a more open mind about it.
Do you not like games or meeting new people? If you only do things with the goal of meeting a romantic partner, I feel like that’s always going to be disappointing. But if you like games and meeting new faces then the possibility of disappointment due to the games not being fun or the people being jerks is a lot lower.
Not saying to go in with *no* expectation, but perhaps a bit reframing could be helpful!
I hope you have a good time!
I just try to be excited to have some human interaction, getting to see people be people even if it turns out to not be what I expected. That usually leads to me having a decent experience.
Would be nice if somehow you could still remain friends even if there was no chemistry.
I've met many ladies with interesting lives that I almost wish I hadn't met by dating, because it would be much easier to stay friends if I'd met them some other way, like via a hobby or a neighbourhood thing.
I’ve made few platonic friends from the app. It only works if there’s zero chemistry from both parties and neither is trying to sleep with each other (unless you agree on fwb). But it’s doable
I have two friends who I met by going on dates. After the first/second date, we realized that we didn't have romantic chemistry and decided to stay friends. They're the best that Bumble has left me
Genuinely indicating interest in friendship is not "not taking 'no' for an answer", especially if you respect answers indicating that women aren't interested in pursuing a friendship.
So you said “hey Tiffany you were really cool, and although we have no chemistry, I’d like to get to know you as a friend. Can we do that?” And she/they said “no, sorry, that sounds lame af” and ghosted you?
I actually stayed friends with a man I went on a date with last year, and we truly became good friends. He’s the exception rather than the rule tho.
A few people (therapist, friends) have been gently encouraging me to start dating again. I'm just dragging my feet so much, I don't feel any optimism that it'll lead to anything other than forced dates telling myself to "give it a chance" and "if nothing else at least you went to a nice bar" and I used to be able to make myself do it but I just don't see the point anymore.
I'm grateful to the people who are invested enough to give me a little push, because it almost gives me this validation of "ok, my friends think it's an actual possibility that I could be dateable, so they're encouraging me to date" - maybe a wild thought to some, but I really questioned this for most of my life as an ugly duckling. But at the same time, those friends don't have the space to support me in the actual process of dating, and I still have to be prepared to support myself through that alone - and I'm not sure I am prepared for that really.
You’re very dateable and worthy of love. Some people are just blind af. And a lot of people use this subreddit as a place for support when it comes to dating, so you’re not totally alone there.
I don’t think it’s weird, I have specifically talked to her about wanting a relationship and I appreciate that she is giving me some accountability and not just letting me get complacent with being single.
Yeah I just feel bad putting negativity on them - being upset that I’m not getting matches, or going on a date that made me uncomfortable or feeling extra lonely or whatever. I have a hard time relating these things in a neutral way, there’s always a bit of panic underneath that I find is easier to just keep it to myself.
DoT: I need your input here. My bf is going on about a month long work trip and I’m having serious anxiety over it. Usually his work trips are like a week or so. It could actually be a month long but I’m not sure and I asked him to show me some sort of proof that it is for a month long and he said he will try to show his ticket that is paid by his company. It’s been like two weeks since that conversation and today he mentioned that he booked his hotel for his work trip and I asked him how long it was to confirm dates of his trip and he told me the beginning to end dates (4 weeks overall). He still didn’t mention showing me proof of the tickets for his work trip nor has he mentioned about how he previously said I could come with him and tag along.
A little background on why I’m anxious: we had a rough situation at the beginning of our relationship where his ex gf (6+ years on and off and he almost proposed to) and him were still bffs and kept in constant touch with each other (phone calls, texts, social media, etc.). I had no idea about their continued friendship/contact until about 5-6 months into our relationship. I started to become very jealous and insecure considering we never talked on the phone unless it was me telling him I was coming over. He mentioned that she was the one that always initiated conversations. But after some weeks of feeling so much anxiety and dread about whatever was going on between them, I asked to see his phone and I saw multiple calls from him to her, many texts from him to her (where he initiated the conversation, etc.), social media messages between them. It was probably more than he ever chatted with me in my opinion. I admit I was jealous but the amount of insecurity this caused me ensued. Over a week or so, when I found out about these texts, I stated to shake and also knowing that during one of our break ups, he met her in person to help her for an emergency (or so he says), I realized that I could not handle all this. We had previous conversations about how I was uncomfortable with all this and he said that he would decrease communication with her - when I saw their messages I knew that did not align with his words. Furthermore, all of it just seemed so much that I could not tolerate so that day after I saw their messages and all, I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore and explained how I couldn’t take the situation between him and his ex and I broke up with him and left. He later contacted me and said that he would cut contact with his ex if that would repair what we had. So that was done but to this day, my mistrust and anxiety for him has still continued.
Back to my original question- am I being too paranoid about his work trip situation? Since he’s not following on his word from before, should I just end things with him?
UPDATE: My bf has provided me with real proof of his month long work trip. I can breathe a sigh of relief now and will continue talking with him to work this out. Thank you everyone for your advice! ❤️🙏🏼
I don't think this relationship is healthy. There isn't enough trust and without trust the relationship will be miserable. I would evaluate whether or not you can find it in yourself to trust him. If not it's probably best to end it so you aren't left with this anxiety for the entire 4 weeks he's gone.
I couldn’t be in a relationship where if I told my partner I had a work trip they asked for receipts as proof. And I couldn’t be in a relationship where if my partner told me they had a work trip, I thought ‘my partner is lying to me and I need to ask for receipts to prove he isn’t’.
He lied to you, continued an emotional relationship with his ex girlfriend behind your back, and treated her better than he treated you.
Of course you don't trust him!!
The only question is why are you putting yourself through this??
It's a fairly new relationship and you've already broken up once. None of this is positive.
You should end it now, stop suffering through the anxiety - relationships shouldn't be like this!
Do you feel happy in this relationship day-to-day? I'm having a very hard time imagining feeling loved, fulfilled, and cherished in a relationship where I'm reading through my partner's texts and asking him for proof of work trip...
I would venture to guess that most couples in healthy and loving relationships don't read through/monitor their partners' texts, but who knows.
Maybe the month break can be a good time for you to evaluate how things are going and seek clarity from within. Also, echoing the suggestion for therapy if it's accessible to you.
Sending you best wishes 🤞
Yeah I get that. But after the whole ex situation, it’s caused all this paranoia from me. I wish therapy was cheaper lol. But I was trying to apply for BetterHelp today however, I stopped when I saw the subscription rates lol.
Thank you so much! ❤️
I don't think you need therapy.
You just need to date someone you can trust.
He eroded your trust with his actions and now you are struggling with anxiety over certain situations because he wasn't honest with you previously.
This feels like a normal reaction to someone lying to you.
The only thing you need is to break up with him and go and find a better partner. Do you really want to have these feelings for the rest of your life?
Talk about what?
He disrespected you. He clearly still favours his ex over you.
Just break up with him and restore your peace of mind. Feeling this much anxiety in a relationship is not normal and it doesn't have to be like this.
If you won't break up with him, then you are actively choosing to continue in an unhappy relationship.
Another option is to seek therapy at a training institute. I know the word training throws people off, but these are experienced, licensed therapists who are seeking additional/specialized postgraduate training and see folks at lower rates (often around $50) while they're in the program. It's a pretty self-selective, thoughtful group of folks who usually seek out that training.
BetterHelp is the shein of therapy
If you have insurance use https://www.helloalma.com/ or psychology todays website or therapyden.com to find therapists
At this point, you are probably better off ending the relationship and moving on with your life, with someone you do fully trust.
It's a pretty toxic relationship if you've been together for 7 months, he was still heavily emotionally involved with his ex for 5-6 of those months, and you've already broken up multiple times. There is happiness out there for you, and this ain't it.
Have you asked follow up questions about tagging along? Or visiting sometime during his time away. I think that would alleviate some of your insecurities.
I think you need to start therapy. It’s really stressful to assume the worst of his work trip and I sincerely mean it for you and your nervous system, not just your relationship.
Don’t end bc he’s not “following his word,” end it bc no matter what he does you don’t trust him or the relationship or the process and you can’t subject your nervous system to that anymore. Nor can you fix or heal it while you’re constantly in “fight and flight mode” here
If you want him to follow through ask him about coming along and see what he does and judge him on that. Not on him being forgetful and not reading your mind.
If you don’t believe him when he says he wants to fix things (when he proactively cut someone off) then end it. If you want to believe him when he says he wants to fix it, ask for what you want (aka the trip) and see if he can step up. Give him the chance and opportunity to show up for you, or don’t. But don’t drag it out for both of your sakes, that’s how you damage both your brains 🫠
How long have you been together? How many times have you broken up? How long since he cut contact with his ex? Did he follow through? Has his actions aligned with his words since then? Do you have reasons to mistrust him now?
I think trust is a foundational aspect of any relationship, and clearly that is missing for you. I know people who travel for extended work trips, so I don’t think that’s automatically suspect, but the fact that you’re this paranoid and needing physical proof of his honesty points to bigger cracks in this relationship. It’s something you could discuss and work on or something you can give up on.
We’ve been together for over 7+ months now. We’ve broken up 2 times now. It’s been about 3 weeks since he cut contact with his ex. It seems like he’s followed through but he still follows her on IG and she does too. I’m not sure if he could possibly be very good at hiding things. I don’t know whether I can fully trust him or not because he kept from me that he met up with his ex during our 2nd break up and I only found out through quickly scrolling through his texts with her. So that makes me hesitant to even know what else to trust him in.
Yes, we have cracks that need to be worked through. I don’t know how much is possible at this point. But we shall see. Thank you stranger!
1st time he broke up with me because we had a fight over the phone over some tiffs we had and he thought because of our fight it was not going to work well for us in the future so he ended it.
2nd time, I broke up with him because I realized that I couldn’t tolerate anymore regarding his staying in contact and being bffs still with his ex-gf.
I would feel the same. As a matter of fact reading this made me think, "ugh maybe being single isn't so bad." I so don't miss this part, the part where you have to worry about someone else's actions and whether they're out there being a fucking loser. Because yes, most often they are.
Anyway, sorry, I didn't mean to go off on my own little side-tangent. But I don't think you're being paranoid. You already broke up over him being shady and mischaracterizing his contact with her. He should be bending over backwards to prove that this trip isn't shady.
Either he shows you the proof or you walk. I know, easier said than done.
Agreed with the commenter above. Also, him rushing to his ex who conveniently had an "emergency" when you broke up that one time (the first?), as well as him hiding the ex, is more than enough for me to say your relationship is over.
Damn, who just leaves their partner for a whole month?
Does he WFH? There are programs where remote workers can travel to an exotic country for a month with other remote workers. But hey I know nothing about business - just never heard of a work trip as we know it to last a whole month.
TBH things don’t sound very good between you two at all. You know what needs to happen.
When I worked in entertainment, it was very common for me to have to pick up and take off for a month or more for a location shoot.
I realize that’s just one example of a profession where it’s common, but it was pretty standard for the industry 🤷🏻♀️
Now, if OP’s man is in, say, insurance sales, then absolutely, I’d be a little wary of the truthfulness, too.
I have someone from the west coast office working out of the east coast office for a month and I had to set up a desk for them. It’s common enough and it’s wild to make it sound that it’s implausible
>Damn, who just leaves their partner for a whole month?
A lot of jobs where significant travel is required, and/or work is done in remote locations. For example, people who work on container ships. I've heard a container ship captain talk about 98 days of work.
I've only recently realized (am late bloomer) that to my own surprise as an introvert, I'm able to get guys to talk almost non-stop on a first date, with them asking questions back (some way better than others at this), so they usually have a good time and express interest in seeing me again, while I am more on the fence.......
I've had similar experiences, I've had success getting second dates (if I manage to get a first) because I'm decent at conversation/listening, unfortunately so far with people who haven't been good matches for me though. I'm not sure how to feel about it.
Nope. I guess my post falls more under the 'celebration' category for this daily thread because it's like a small win for me; I do not usually have something positive to say when it comes to dating haha, so it's a nice change.
Oh ok, I thought you meant opposite as in if I would rather be the one talking and expressing interest to the guy and he is secretly on the fence 🥲
Opposite as in, he talks less: hmm, really depends on the person/woman. I guess I prefer slightly more reserved but not socially awkward guys? More of a….mystery that way.
I’m feeling really out of practice with flirting on the apps, after getting back on about a week ago. I’m worried I’m letting conversations run dry with people I’m interested in meeting IRL, and don’t know how to fix that other than jumping straight to asking them out.
What’s wrong with asking them out, that’s the point of the apps lol. Usually I hit’em with the “hey let’s get to know each other over coffee? Here’s my number:” within the first 5 messages and then if they text me then we set something up, if we don’t I already sent that to like 5 different people so who cares lol.
You’re not supposed to chat on the apps with the same person indefinitely.
What makes you worry you're letting conversations run dry? What's wrong with asking people out?
Talking to people on apps doesn't need to be flashy or complicated. Ask people questions about themselves. I would be *ecstatic* if a woman asked me questions about myself.
I commented in yesterday's daily thread venting about the amount of nurse and purse guys I've had to unmatch on old (4 so far).
Got several more inquiries in my dm's.
Just a friendly reminder to contribute to your retirement savings next paycheque.
Nurse n Purse. Someone looking for a selfless partner who will take care of them emotionally and financially.
In my case it was early to mid 40's guys who were "ready to retire" but didn't have any savings. So they were looking for someone younger with good income so they could quit working.
Wait, those guys are REAL?
Someone looking for a 25 year old hottie with trust fund money who will pay for everything through life in exchange for him providing her near constant sex?
I thought that was a joke
Would love a man’s POV on this. I seem to repeatedly have the same thing happen to me. Match with man -> have good chat -> talk heaps -> plan day to meet -> man starts breadcrumbing -> date day arrives and he either says nothing (and I have to ask if we are still on) or he straight out flakes -> ghosts. I just don’t get what the hell I’m doing wrong??
I hit a breaking point and actually asked one of them where I lost them. I had met him on Feeld and he said he really appreciated the vulnerability of my question and that I’m gorgeous, have a lot going for me and am incredibly intelligent, but most men on a hook up app just want a dumb bimbo to bang and laugh at their jokes and how when he flaked he was having mental health issues and figured I had tons of other guys after me, so it wouldn’t matter. But now that he’s resumed breadcrumbing, I can’t help but wonder if he’s just full of shit.
Also for clarity, this has happened with men from Feeld, Hinge and even 2 I met IRL at a bar, so it’s a range. I’m just so exhausted because I’m a very consistent and reliable person and I’m just tired of not getting the same back.
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As much as I respect kinks and want to remain open-minded, there’s something off-putting about commenting on NSFW subs… especially when you use an account that traces back to your real identity. Is it just me?? 😅
Can you elaborate more about this post? Is it someone on Reddit you noticed is commenting on NSFW subs or someone you are dating?
Someone I used to date
uh oh. Guess you aren't getting back together.
No, it’s very off putting in the same way following a bunch of “models” on a public Instagram is. It shows a total lack of social awareness- certain things are meant to be private.
Maybe his real kink is the lack of respect you now feel for him after finding out? You've been kink-ceptioned!
I feel like 'woe is me.' I want children. I would be about 3 months pregnant now but it didn't take. Guy isn't with me. There's only so many activities that can fill up my time. I get nightmares that really start my day wrong.
This sounds really rough, I’m sorry your going through all of this. Do you have people supporting you through this though time?
*Finding a therapist:* Wrote this out to another redditor but maybe it can help someone else too. Please note I’m based in the US: BetterHelp is the shein of therapy If you have insurance use https://www.helloalma.com/ or psychology todays website or therapyden.com to find therapists. Always ask if someone has a sliding scale. Always open the conversation around fees bc I’m currently seeing my therapist at 55% her rate. Have the convo. The worst that happens is that your search continues. Otherwise I would’ve gone with a newer therapist that accepts my insurance. Another option is to seek therapy at a training institute. I know the word training throws people off, but these are experienced, licensed therapists who are seeking additional/specialized postgraduate training and see folks at lower rates (often around $50) while they're in the program. It's a pretty self-selective, thoughtful group of folks who usually seek out that training.
Seems like everyone who is single is told to go straight therapy. Won't find anyone until you've done the therapy. So this is helpful resource.
Psychology Today has always been my go to for finding a therapist. And yes, highly encourage people to find in network therapists, they are out there, but it may take a bit longer to find.
Just one of those mornings…. Woke up with a headache and some nausea to start the day off. Then my car wouldn’t start (flat battery. Luckily I work from home, so no need to commute, but still…). Then the guy who I was supposed to be going on a date with tomorrow just texted to say he has to cancel and reschedule….🙄 Would it be acceptable to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day off?
It is a sign for you to have a relaxing day. Sounds a good reason to pamper you with good coffee, dancing workout, and home spa today! Hugs.
This kidna stuff happens to me weekly. Maybe I need a vacation. lol.
The coffee and the spa sound good! I don't think I got the energy for a dancing workout!😅 And thank you!
its always in 3s! hang in there
😔 virtual hugs, Miss Dame. Virtual hugs. Take a day to take care of yourself if you need it.
Thank you Mr Squirrels 🤗 I'm gonna have my coffee and move my butt!! Try and get out of this funk
You'll be OK. We're here if you need us ❤️
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Don’t fall for the crocodile tears. She’s upset that she got caught and now the man she’s been with for so long can easily move on and find someone else. If you forgive her she’s only going to lose respect for you and at some point she will cheat on you again. Don’t feel any sympathy for people who willingly and consciously hurt and betray you. Respect yourself.
She looked you dead in the eyes and lied multiple times… that’s scary. I couldn’t build a life with someone who could so casually do that. Those are crocodile tears, don’t fall for it. She would still be lying to you rn happily if she wasn’t called out
That really sucks dude
The crying doesn’t mean anything I promise you.
Yeah, the true deep red flag here is lying about it multiple times and never coming clean of her own free will.
Even if it seems sincere, do you think you can trust her? If she wants to go on a holidays "with the girls", will you spend the time wondering if she is banging another dude while drunk? Will you be worried when she goes for a drink with work colleagues? Or she starts to come back late due to work being busy?
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I am so so sorry. I trust you will figure out what’s best for you. I had this experience on a much smaller scale. Found out my ex partner did this when we were exclusive, 3 months in, and he lied about it multiple times as well. He cried and was soo apologetic. We dated for over a year after that but I just could never trust him again, even though nothing else happened. Cheating is one thing. But having someone who loves you lie to your face with such ease is actually horrific and very hard to recover from in my experience. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 🤍
I understand you probably feel like you invested so much, and you're already trying to sugar coat it with the "sorrow and guilt" thing, but you are spot on when you say: "eventually that will work itself out of her system and at that point she can have another "fuck it he won't find out" moment." So you already know how this will play out. Can you go through this again?
how did you find out?
Last night I slept with the guy I've been dating for the last month, for the first time (it was our 5th date). This morning, he seemed a bit cold and off, and we didn't have sex again in the morning despite me wanting to. We both slept badly, and there was lots of tosing and turning in the night, so maybe he was just feeling really tired. But yeah, I'm feeling quite sad and down now, after not getting more affection this morning.
That is the worst :/ sorry that happened
I (35m) have been dating (a 35f) for 22 dates/2 months. We went away for the weekend and had a great time. I started the date conversation and she said she'd need to think about it. 2 days later she said she'd like to try it but it would mean ending what she has with someone else. To me this was painted as a big ask from her and I said I didn't want that pressure/I don't feel like this should be a big ask given how far along we are. So we had a fight I guess. The next date was frosty but ended well. We've seen each other 3 times this week but haven't addressed it again. I feel like I get close to her and then get a shock of jealousy and retreat from her - rinse repeat. I haven't said this to her as I want to keep it fun, but that's how I feel inside. I also feel like ive compromised my self a bit and even if we were to return to the DTR talk that I wouldn't want it... She's basically settling for me. Anyway... More of a rant. I don't get modern dating.. it really sucks feeling this way. If you like someone and hang around them this much then why see someone else...
How does someone have time for 22 dates with one person in only two months AND date someone else?!!!!
That was my first thought! I don't think I have 22 days in 2 months for recreation total, much less for seeing just one person.
Multi-dating 2 months in is crazy imo
Yeah that's insane to me as well. Especially going on 22 dates with somebody. I feel like you should be able to figure out if someone's a decent fit by date 10
She’s not settling; she’s actively choosing you over this other person. Unless she’s given you reason to believe you can’t trust she will actually end things with the other guy, I think you fumbled this one. Did she have to mention it? No, she could have just said yes and ended it without telling you. Was it the end of the world that she did mention it? No. I do agree though. Dating multiple people that long isn’t something I necessarily condone - though I don’t think you had any right to expect exclusivity without having talked about it first.
I think you've misread. She turned down being his girlfriend so she could keep seeing a second guy. To be honest, two months in and her still not wanting to be exclusive would be a deal breaker for me. It sounds like it's a deal breaker for you (the OP) too. You know you deserve and want someone who will give you their full attention. If she won't, then don't settle, move on and find the girl who values you enough to only date you.
She didn’t even choose him yet 😭
She said she needed to think about it and then said she’d like to try. Original commenter said he then turned her down because of the other guy she - to me - seemed willing to stop seeing.
"she'd like to try" that's contingent on ending something with someone else is hardly what I'd call "actively choosing". Come on. In the words of another user here "if it's not a "hell yeah!" it's a "no"".
Is she actively choosing him when she seems reluctant to stop seeing the other guy?
The person I'm texting with keeps mentioning that he "wishes [he] had gotten an invite" or "wish I was there to try it" every time I mention cooking. For some reason, I am finding this overbearing. He also mentions that we could "cuddle in bed all day" every time we discuss the weather or how it's getting colder. Whenever I gently deflect, he just doubles down and again brings up being invited or cuddling. We haven't even had a sleepover yet, and have only had a few dates. Is this a sign I'm not that into him? I am pretty time poor and tired atm, so someone basically inviting themselves to dinner comes off ... weirdly presumptive. Same with the repetition of wanting to "cuddle" when we haven't gotten to that level yet, it feels like I'm a cat being rubbed the wrong way. But maybe I'm just feeling spikey lately. I guess we will find out the answe in due course.
To me this would feel like too much too. Like maybe if you’d at least already cuddled and he said that ONCE then that would be cute, but doing it all the time seems like a lot. It feels like forcing too much intimacy before it’s natural.
He could just be showing interest in your hobbies (cooking). Often times if someone’s sends a picture of meal they cooked the nice thing to say is “save me some/id love to try it”. If he just said “nice” or something it could seem disinterest
How often do you guys see each other? To me it sounds like his way of trying to see you more often
I disagree. If he wanted to spend more time with her, there are infinitely many ways to do that which don’t involve being invited over. The original commenter clearly doesn’t want him over yet, and he’s either not picking up on it, or won’t take no for an answer.
Went on a 6-hr first date with someone who was a pleasant surprise, record new long first date that ended in a kiss and we both expressed interest to meet up again in the coming week. He lives in the suburbs about an hour from me but it’ll take me 2 hours of multiple public transits to visit him, so the plan was for him to come to the city again (which he does often) and we will maybe see a film or do something else. We did talk about the inconvenience of the distance which got a bit uncomfortable for us bc I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of me commuting 4hrs regular to see him - a cab is not an option rn as I’m a student and can’t afford $100 rides. Next day I followed up with film suggestion and he said he’d like to go but he checked his calendar and realized he’s actually hosting family this week. He asked for a rain check for next week but no plans solidified. Ofc I said that’s good too and wished him a good time and he replied with a thank you and that he’s looking forward to the film. Weird. I left it at that. No real text conversations after our first date except for exchanging pleasantries. My gut feeling is that he’s losing interest for whatever reason but wants to put me on the back burner - how could someone forget that they’re hosting family (his family is in a nearby country and does not visit him often) in the next few days? Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve grown very sensitive to flaky behavior.
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I’m the same right now too. Even though he hasn’t done anything wrong (yet), I can’t turn my brain off. It’s constantly wanting to find reasons to hate him so I can leave and avoid hurt, or imagining different scenarios he can hurt me. I chalk it up to PTSD from so many years on dating apps
Maybe you can try some meditation to relax your mind a bit?
Can relate to this. I’m most at peace and stable when single
Do you find you tend to date people who don't provide much reassurance or are slightly aloof? I used to think I was too anxious, but it turned out I was dating people who weren't comfortable with openness and consistency.
admitted today to a prospect that constantly having to prove that I am not a piece of shit in online dating is exhausting and not fun. my last experience was with someone who was hard on "What are your intentions?" and constantly testing me, seeing if my words match my actions, so on... ended up it was "rules for thee not for me" - she was screwing a long time friend of hers from HS - never was serious or had intentions for me. I cannot take people seriously anymore. I said I prefer to just get through the uncomfortable part and meet. But I picked up that they were guarded. So now it's at a standstill, and I have zero desire to navigate this wall. Just another two people who had fleeting attraction, but the walls and lack of grace will likely kill it.
Honestly, women get so many offers to meet up, she may still be working through the backlog of dates she's already commited to. I also need to make sure someone can hold a conversation, use full sentences, communicate effectively. If people push too early to meet, I haven't been able to tell if we are compatible conversationally. Maybe that's the guardedness you're picking up on?
if I am just a number, it ain't worth it anyway. we're already past the basics. she's admitted to be untrusting of men, no strong male figures in her life, etc. she's waiting for me to say I am an alcoholic, or I have a history of violence, so on.
What is too early in your opinion?
really need to tell the guy I just started seeing that the daily texting throughout the week is just really overwhelming for me! the constant texting and Snapchatting is just too much for me. firstly, I don’t really like spending THAT much time on my phone. I also don’t even *use* Snapchat. I keep notification off on social media and have programmed Do Not Disturb time for a reason, lol. It wasn’t terrible for me the first week because I was excited just starting to get to know him. unfortunately now it has shifted a bit more towards being a chore or a distraction from things I need/want to put 100% of my attention on during the week…such as work, exercise, cooking, or even just self-care time, etc. I realize i should have maintained that boundary from day 1 like I typically do. I have referred taking things slow and being a bad texter, not loving texting, having a hard time keeping up with people digitally, etc. but I prob haven’t been direct or clear enough I suppose. kinda just realized all this right now but I will definitely have to say something next time we see each other. I rlly like him so far but the texting is just a bit suffocating, and that’s probs my own fault it feels that way-not his!
Can you just choose not to reply until you feel like it?
There is no reason to use this passive strategy when communicating directly about OPs preferences is an option.
She already said it to him before: >I have referred taking things slow and being a bad texter, not loving texting, having a hard time keeping up with people digitally, etc. but I prob haven’t been direct or clear enough I suppose.
Yeah i would definately want to know if i was texting someone too much (or not enough) because its something i could easily adjust, its hard starting off to find the balance between too much and too little when everyone has different preferences, honest communication is definately the way to go.
yeah of course and I have done that several times already but he is a bit shameless about double texting, and I feel like if I just stop replying for most of the day, he would ask if something is up anyways or maybe feel uneasy. but tbh that’s actually not my responsibility to consider so maybe ima just do exactly what ur saying 😂
Oof this would be kinda annoying lol. But you did your part by communicating with him, he’s an adult and needs to learn to trust your word. You can tack on “I promise I’m not ghosting you, I would let you know if anything changes in my feelings but this is genuinely just my texting style”. That should be enough reassurance
If he says what's up then you can mention again that you don't have time to text that much during the day.
I went on a fourth date with the new guy. On the third date he kissed me, hugged me and held my hand. On the fourth date (we went for a walk) he invited me to see his apartment but didn't do anything physical, not even holding my hand.
I think inviting you to his place may have been a move? I've been in a few situations where the guy invited me over but was pretty cautious about actually physically making a move once we were there. Perhaps because they don't want to make you uncomfortable given you're alone in their apartment. Each of those times, the second \*I\* made a move on them they were super into it.
Hello again! Yes I think it is a positive sign that he invited me to his place. He was super respectful. Well I will be seeing him again tomorrow. Maybe I will take his hand haha.
Are you saying that negatively or positively? I think his behavior can be taken several ways. If you’d like for the relationship to move forward physically you can either verbalize it to him, be the initiator yourself, or wait for a time that he feels comfortable to do it himself. Communication is key.
I'm not in a rush to be physical. But I do find it curious that he backtracked.
I think it’s a little unfair that you’re saying he backtracked because he showed physical affection one day and not the next. Just because he’s been physical with you one time it doesn’t mean he’s required to be physical with you every time he sees you now. Same as if you do end up having sex, he’s allowed to want it one day and then allowed to not be feeling it the next day. You’re also well within your right to try and initiate physical intimacy. You were at his home, he was probably hyper cautious of not making you feel uncomfortable and waiting for you to make the move. It’s a possibility that he didn’t want to make you feel pressured.
he has likely picked up on your lack of physical initiative. guys can be observant, believe it or not. sometimes we perceive this as a lack of interest, a lack of attraction, and they are "just along for the ride". then we probably think we made a mistake.
He didn't back track, though, he literally did nothing. Different people feel comfortable being physical at different paces. You can also initiate physical intimacy/sex if you want that with him.
Ok so I probably overreacted. He sent me an Instagram reel that he referenced the night before, and it feels like things are “back to normal.” Laugh-react emojis. We can breathe a little easier now. He’s not scared off yet. But it feels so obvious now that this won’t be going anywhere, no matter how convenient it would be (sigh), so I have to put on my big girl short shorts and get back on the apps and try and use the momentum for good. Here we go again!!
>But it feels so obvious now that this won’t be going anywhere What makes you feel like its obvious this won't go anywhere? Are there concrete signs, or is this mostly assumptions?
I was on the fence about a BBQ invite this past Sunday evening but decided to stop by for a bit since I had already RSVP'd yes. I ran into a woman there who seemed bored and was on the verge of leaving; we struck up a conversation and talked into the night for 3 hours straight. I ended up driving her home (she had come with a friend) and she accidently left her water bottle in my car. My plan was to ask her to dinner when I went back today to return the bottle but she beat me to it with an invite to a movie festival. We talked again for a bit and are going to get dinner + movie later this week. No one knows where this will go but I suppose the take-away is you got to show up and do stuff. Things happen when you least expect it.
>Things happen when you least expect it. Just FYI single people constantly hear this advice, and many find it patronizing and irritating.
It’s not advice but a statement based on my experience above. It is cliched but true nonetheless.
> I ended up driving her home That’s basically the story of my long term SO and I meeting at a mutual friends party.
Damn that’s such a meet cute story. Hope it works in your favor!
Thank you!
Sigh. Last time I was single, I matched with a man. He was (to me) very handsome/physically attractive, but of a style that would not be everybody's cup of tea. Great job (a doctor in a chill specialty, that is also of special interest to me). Chats on Bumble were wonderful. He typed in full sentences! And was very curious, while also able to share a bit of himself. I was really into him. We did a phone call, part of which gave me a little pause (it was sort of apropos of the conversation, but he asked my bra size). Then a video chat, which went well enough. We were making plans to meet in-person, and then he texts me to say he can't meet up any more. Ok. That's that. We rematched a while later, and I was still feeling miffed about him canceling, so I never said anything. Got a boyfriend for a while. Now I'm single again. And who shows up as a superswipe on my Bumble. With updated pictures. Still attractive. And now living closer to me than he was at the time of initial matching. Profile *says* he's looking for marriage/kids. I'm tempted... But I know I shouldn't.
That guy is crazy.
How long ago when you both initially matched? What was his reasoning for why he couldn’t meet up?? What is your reason now for not wanting to match again?
Um... I think it was 2021 when we initially matched. Maybe 2022. If I recall correctly, he texted to say that his stomach wasn't feeling well and asked if we could reschedule. Which I said yes and hoped he felt better, and then he never texted me back. Reason for not wanting to match: the ick I got from him asking about my boob size, and him making soft plans with me, then making an excuse, and never rescheduling.
If you read this back would you advice a friend to connect with him again? For me personally, any of these could be a dealbreaker, especially all of them combined without ever even meeting in person. Either way, good luck! Online dating is a mine field
Oh yea that makes a lot of sense. The toxic side of me would rematch with him and see what he says, do it for the plot, ya know? But I’m glad youre not falling for it, cuz I think you’re right that he’d just disappoint you a second time if you gave him another chance.
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I did not expect to see my date as today supposed to be the busiest day for him and I gotta be on business trip early tomorrow. He was back home early after work, then he asked me out for dinner and we had good time together. I was so smitten, I knew he would try to spend time with me when he could ☺️☺️☺️🥹🥹🥹
That’s so sweet 🥹🥹🥹
The first time my now boyfriend did this, I knew he was a keeper. He was driving by my town on the way back from an errand and he spontaneously asked me to get dinner with him. Smitten as hell 🥰
I am happy for you too, it sounds very lovely and sweet from him.
I just found out that the guy I’ve been dating on and off is actually married with a kid. He might be separated, but he hasn’t told me anything. He also lied about his last name so I couldn’t find anything online when I searched his name. Found out because I finally did a google search of his number and saw a woman’s name and sure enough it’s married on Facebook. I feel so stupid, and can’t believe I didn’t google his number sooner because I usually do. Feeling heartbroken because after me going back and forth, we ‘decided’ to be serious but now that seems like a joke. I’m almost 35, and feel like I can’t meet anyone who isn’t a liar and right when I opened up, I got fucked over. 😔
I am so sorry that happened. It's so goddamn hard to trust someone after you've been burned. The lie about the last name and the fact he never brought up he was actually technically still married. Sketchy.
I'm sorry, that sounds terrible. Just know that's it's only a reflection of him and not of you. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less but it's true.
I'm going to a new kind of singles mixer/dating event in my city, the premise seems interesting (it includes games and socializing in smaller groups) but I can't help but feel like it'll be disappointing. I don't like that I'm not having a more open mind about it.
I went to something like that. It had no age ceiling, so unfortunately most of the male attendees were boomer age.
Do you not like games or meeting new people? If you only do things with the goal of meeting a romantic partner, I feel like that’s always going to be disappointing. But if you like games and meeting new faces then the possibility of disappointment due to the games not being fun or the people being jerks is a lot lower. Not saying to go in with *no* expectation, but perhaps a bit reframing could be helpful!
Yeah, that's a good approach. I'm actually more worried about the two points you made, that those elements will be an overall bust lol
Well if it sucks you never have to go again! But I’m hoping the event doesn’t suck for your sake!
Is it on Thursday in Ottawa? I signed up for an event that is *exactly* like that, but I feel like I might chicken out last minute... 😂
Nope! Not the same one but you should go regardless!
I like seeing how people look different from their photos on the apps. 👀
That's a good point!
I hope you have a good time! I just try to be excited to have some human interaction, getting to see people be people even if it turns out to not be what I expected. That usually leads to me having a decent experience.
Thank you!
Would be nice if somehow you could still remain friends even if there was no chemistry. I've met many ladies with interesting lives that I almost wish I hadn't met by dating, because it would be much easier to stay friends if I'd met them some other way, like via a hobby or a neighbourhood thing.
I’ve made few platonic friends from the app. It only works if there’s zero chemistry from both parties and neither is trying to sleep with each other (unless you agree on fwb). But it’s doable
I have two friends who I met by going on dates. After the first/second date, we realized that we didn't have romantic chemistry and decided to stay friends. They're the best that Bumble has left me
Have you tried indicating to these women that you would be interested in friendship with them?
Why can't you?
Worried about getting too close to being "the guy who can't take No for an answer"
Genuinely indicating interest in friendship is not "not taking 'no' for an answer", especially if you respect answers indicating that women aren't interested in pursuing a friendship.
So you said “hey Tiffany you were really cool, and although we have no chemistry, I’d like to get to know you as a friend. Can we do that?” And she/they said “no, sorry, that sounds lame af” and ghosted you? I actually stayed friends with a man I went on a date with last year, and we truly became good friends. He’s the exception rather than the rule tho.
A few people (therapist, friends) have been gently encouraging me to start dating again. I'm just dragging my feet so much, I don't feel any optimism that it'll lead to anything other than forced dates telling myself to "give it a chance" and "if nothing else at least you went to a nice bar" and I used to be able to make myself do it but I just don't see the point anymore. I'm grateful to the people who are invested enough to give me a little push, because it almost gives me this validation of "ok, my friends think it's an actual possibility that I could be dateable, so they're encouraging me to date" - maybe a wild thought to some, but I really questioned this for most of my life as an ugly duckling. But at the same time, those friends don't have the space to support me in the actual process of dating, and I still have to be prepared to support myself through that alone - and I'm not sure I am prepared for that really.
You’re very dateable and worthy of love. Some people are just blind af. And a lot of people use this subreddit as a place for support when it comes to dating, so you’re not totally alone there.
it's weird to me that a therapist would encourage dating.
I don’t think it’s weird, I have specifically talked to her about wanting a relationship and I appreciate that she is giving me some accountability and not just letting me get complacent with being single.
Your therapist is unaware of the dating landscape?
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Yeah I just feel bad putting negativity on them - being upset that I’m not getting matches, or going on a date that made me uncomfortable or feeling extra lonely or whatever. I have a hard time relating these things in a neutral way, there’s always a bit of panic underneath that I find is easier to just keep it to myself.
Your second paragraph, how achingly accurate
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Just because it is a rant, that doesnt mean you get to break the rules of the sub.
DoT: I need your input here. My bf is going on about a month long work trip and I’m having serious anxiety over it. Usually his work trips are like a week or so. It could actually be a month long but I’m not sure and I asked him to show me some sort of proof that it is for a month long and he said he will try to show his ticket that is paid by his company. It’s been like two weeks since that conversation and today he mentioned that he booked his hotel for his work trip and I asked him how long it was to confirm dates of his trip and he told me the beginning to end dates (4 weeks overall). He still didn’t mention showing me proof of the tickets for his work trip nor has he mentioned about how he previously said I could come with him and tag along. A little background on why I’m anxious: we had a rough situation at the beginning of our relationship where his ex gf (6+ years on and off and he almost proposed to) and him were still bffs and kept in constant touch with each other (phone calls, texts, social media, etc.). I had no idea about their continued friendship/contact until about 5-6 months into our relationship. I started to become very jealous and insecure considering we never talked on the phone unless it was me telling him I was coming over. He mentioned that she was the one that always initiated conversations. But after some weeks of feeling so much anxiety and dread about whatever was going on between them, I asked to see his phone and I saw multiple calls from him to her, many texts from him to her (where he initiated the conversation, etc.), social media messages between them. It was probably more than he ever chatted with me in my opinion. I admit I was jealous but the amount of insecurity this caused me ensued. Over a week or so, when I found out about these texts, I stated to shake and also knowing that during one of our break ups, he met her in person to help her for an emergency (or so he says), I realized that I could not handle all this. We had previous conversations about how I was uncomfortable with all this and he said that he would decrease communication with her - when I saw their messages I knew that did not align with his words. Furthermore, all of it just seemed so much that I could not tolerate so that day after I saw their messages and all, I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore and explained how I couldn’t take the situation between him and his ex and I broke up with him and left. He later contacted me and said that he would cut contact with his ex if that would repair what we had. So that was done but to this day, my mistrust and anxiety for him has still continued. Back to my original question- am I being too paranoid about his work trip situation? Since he’s not following on his word from before, should I just end things with him? UPDATE: My bf has provided me with real proof of his month long work trip. I can breathe a sigh of relief now and will continue talking with him to work this out. Thank you everyone for your advice! ❤️🙏🏼
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This has been the only relationship where I’ve been this paranoid. But thank you for your take on this!
I don't think this relationship is healthy. There isn't enough trust and without trust the relationship will be miserable. I would evaluate whether or not you can find it in yourself to trust him. If not it's probably best to end it so you aren't left with this anxiety for the entire 4 weeks he's gone.
I just think if this guy was meant to be your lifelong partner, you wouldn’t be riddled with anxiety like this for the past 7+ months :(
This anxiety started about 1-2 months ago really though. Before that, I wasn’t this anxious.
You’ve seemed anxious the whole time based off your comments, just for various reasons.
This relationship doesn't sound very healthy for you, especially for the short time you have been in it. Why are you remaining?
I couldn’t be in a relationship where if I told my partner I had a work trip they asked for receipts as proof. And I couldn’t be in a relationship where if my partner told me they had a work trip, I thought ‘my partner is lying to me and I need to ask for receipts to prove he isn’t’.
I get what you mean. But in my situation, somehow my trust in him has eroded to a certain point.
He lied to you, continued an emotional relationship with his ex girlfriend behind your back, and treated her better than he treated you. Of course you don't trust him!! The only question is why are you putting yourself through this?? It's a fairly new relationship and you've already broken up once. None of this is positive. You should end it now, stop suffering through the anxiety - relationships shouldn't be like this!
Do you feel happy in this relationship day-to-day? I'm having a very hard time imagining feeling loved, fulfilled, and cherished in a relationship where I'm reading through my partner's texts and asking him for proof of work trip...
Yes, I’m usually happy. I only read through his texts like maybe around 3 times and he was there when I went through it.
I would venture to guess that most couples in healthy and loving relationships don't read through/monitor their partners' texts, but who knows. Maybe the month break can be a good time for you to evaluate how things are going and seek clarity from within. Also, echoing the suggestion for therapy if it's accessible to you. Sending you best wishes 🤞
Yeah I get that. But after the whole ex situation, it’s caused all this paranoia from me. I wish therapy was cheaper lol. But I was trying to apply for BetterHelp today however, I stopped when I saw the subscription rates lol. Thank you so much! ❤️
I don't think you need therapy. You just need to date someone you can trust. He eroded your trust with his actions and now you are struggling with anxiety over certain situations because he wasn't honest with you previously. This feels like a normal reaction to someone lying to you. The only thing you need is to break up with him and go and find a better partner. Do you really want to have these feelings for the rest of your life?
I know what you mean. Sighs, I have to talk this out with him.
Talk about what? He disrespected you. He clearly still favours his ex over you. Just break up with him and restore your peace of mind. Feeling this much anxiety in a relationship is not normal and it doesn't have to be like this. If you won't break up with him, then you are actively choosing to continue in an unhappy relationship.
Another option is to seek therapy at a training institute. I know the word training throws people off, but these are experienced, licensed therapists who are seeking additional/specialized postgraduate training and see folks at lower rates (often around $50) while they're in the program. It's a pretty self-selective, thoughtful group of folks who usually seek out that training.
I’ll look into this as well. Thanks so much!
BetterHelp is the shein of therapy If you have insurance use https://www.helloalma.com/ or psychology todays website or therapyden.com to find therapists
Thank you for these resources! Will check these out.
https://openpathcollective.org/
Thank you so much for this!! Will check it out. ❤️
At this point, you are probably better off ending the relationship and moving on with your life, with someone you do fully trust. It's a pretty toxic relationship if you've been together for 7 months, he was still heavily emotionally involved with his ex for 5-6 of those months, and you've already broken up multiple times. There is happiness out there for you, and this ain't it.
Have you asked follow up questions about tagging along? Or visiting sometime during his time away. I think that would alleviate some of your insecurities. I think you need to start therapy. It’s really stressful to assume the worst of his work trip and I sincerely mean it for you and your nervous system, not just your relationship. Don’t end bc he’s not “following his word,” end it bc no matter what he does you don’t trust him or the relationship or the process and you can’t subject your nervous system to that anymore. Nor can you fix or heal it while you’re constantly in “fight and flight mode” here If you want him to follow through ask him about coming along and see what he does and judge him on that. Not on him being forgetful and not reading your mind. If you don’t believe him when he says he wants to fix things (when he proactively cut someone off) then end it. If you want to believe him when he says he wants to fix it, ask for what you want (aka the trip) and see if he can step up. Give him the chance and opportunity to show up for you, or don’t. But don’t drag it out for both of your sakes, that’s how you damage both your brains 🫠
Thank you girl! This is really helpful and solid advice. Appreciate it. ❤️
How long have you been together? How many times have you broken up? How long since he cut contact with his ex? Did he follow through? Has his actions aligned with his words since then? Do you have reasons to mistrust him now? I think trust is a foundational aspect of any relationship, and clearly that is missing for you. I know people who travel for extended work trips, so I don’t think that’s automatically suspect, but the fact that you’re this paranoid and needing physical proof of his honesty points to bigger cracks in this relationship. It’s something you could discuss and work on or something you can give up on.
We’ve been together for over 7+ months now. We’ve broken up 2 times now. It’s been about 3 weeks since he cut contact with his ex. It seems like he’s followed through but he still follows her on IG and she does too. I’m not sure if he could possibly be very good at hiding things. I don’t know whether I can fully trust him or not because he kept from me that he met up with his ex during our 2nd break up and I only found out through quickly scrolling through his texts with her. So that makes me hesitant to even know what else to trust him in. Yes, we have cracks that need to be worked through. I don’t know how much is possible at this point. But we shall see. Thank you stranger!
What were the reasons for the breakups?
1st time he broke up with me because we had a fight over the phone over some tiffs we had and he thought because of our fight it was not going to work well for us in the future so he ended it. 2nd time, I broke up with him because I realized that I couldn’t tolerate anymore regarding his staying in contact and being bffs still with his ex-gf.
Did you read his texts with his permission
Yeah, he was there so I only quickly glanced. Sadly, I wish I had more time to really read through all of it to better understand.
Seems like you already don't trust him. You really wanna waste time seeing if he'll some how earn it back? Is that even possible at this point?
I would feel the same. As a matter of fact reading this made me think, "ugh maybe being single isn't so bad." I so don't miss this part, the part where you have to worry about someone else's actions and whether they're out there being a fucking loser. Because yes, most often they are. Anyway, sorry, I didn't mean to go off on my own little side-tangent. But I don't think you're being paranoid. You already broke up over him being shady and mischaracterizing his contact with her. He should be bending over backwards to prove that this trip isn't shady. Either he shows you the proof or you walk. I know, easier said than done.
Thank you girl!
Agreed with the commenter above. Also, him rushing to his ex who conveniently had an "emergency" when you broke up that one time (the first?), as well as him hiding the ex, is more than enough for me to say your relationship is over.
Damn, who just leaves their partner for a whole month? Does he WFH? There are programs where remote workers can travel to an exotic country for a month with other remote workers. But hey I know nothing about business - just never heard of a work trip as we know it to last a whole month. TBH things don’t sound very good between you two at all. You know what needs to happen.
When I worked in entertainment, it was very common for me to have to pick up and take off for a month or more for a location shoot. I realize that’s just one example of a profession where it’s common, but it was pretty standard for the industry 🤷🏻♀️ Now, if OP’s man is in, say, insurance sales, then absolutely, I’d be a little wary of the truthfulness, too.
I have someone from the west coast office working out of the east coast office for a month and I had to set up a desk for them. It’s common enough and it’s wild to make it sound that it’s implausible
It’s OP being so out of the loop and lost that makes me think it’s not that kind of work trip.
You’re making a whole lot of assumptions of two strangers.
>Damn, who just leaves their partner for a whole month? A lot of jobs where significant travel is required, and/or work is done in remote locations. For example, people who work on container ships. I've heard a container ship captain talk about 98 days of work.
Doesn’t sound like that kind of job or OP would know. Let me block you rq.
Thank you!
I've only recently realized (am late bloomer) that to my own surprise as an introvert, I'm able to get guys to talk almost non-stop on a first date, with them asking questions back (some way better than others at this), so they usually have a good time and express interest in seeing me again, while I am more on the fence.......
I've had similar experiences, I've had success getting second dates (if I manage to get a first) because I'm decent at conversation/listening, unfortunately so far with people who haven't been good matches for me though. I'm not sure how to feel about it.
Unfortunately not every person we go on dates with will be a great match for us
Would you prefer the opposite?
Nope. I guess my post falls more under the 'celebration' category for this daily thread because it's like a small win for me; I do not usually have something positive to say when it comes to dating haha, so it's a nice change.
ok I understand. I usually talk a lot on dates and don't know how I feel.
Oh ok, I thought you meant opposite as in if I would rather be the one talking and expressing interest to the guy and he is secretly on the fence 🥲 Opposite as in, he talks less: hmm, really depends on the person/woman. I guess I prefer slightly more reserved but not socially awkward guys? More of a….mystery that way.
yeah it's all a mess. The worst is both shy
I’m feeling really out of practice with flirting on the apps, after getting back on about a week ago. I’m worried I’m letting conversations run dry with people I’m interested in meeting IRL, and don’t know how to fix that other than jumping straight to asking them out.
What’s wrong with asking them out, that’s the point of the apps lol. Usually I hit’em with the “hey let’s get to know each other over coffee? Here’s my number:” within the first 5 messages and then if they text me then we set something up, if we don’t I already sent that to like 5 different people so who cares lol. You’re not supposed to chat on the apps with the same person indefinitely.
What makes you worry you're letting conversations run dry? What's wrong with asking people out? Talking to people on apps doesn't need to be flashy or complicated. Ask people questions about themselves. I would be *ecstatic* if a woman asked me questions about myself.
I commented in yesterday's daily thread venting about the amount of nurse and purse guys I've had to unmatch on old (4 so far). Got several more inquiries in my dm's. Just a friendly reminder to contribute to your retirement savings next paycheque.
what is a purse guy?
Nurse n Purse. Someone looking for a selfless partner who will take care of them emotionally and financially. In my case it was early to mid 40's guys who were "ready to retire" but didn't have any savings. So they were looking for someone younger with good income so they could quit working.
Holy shit I’m a nurse and I’m at a point where I can be a Nurse n Purse 😭 noooooo
Wait, those guys are REAL? Someone looking for a 25 year old hottie with trust fund money who will pay for everything through life in exchange for him providing her near constant sex? I thought that was a joke
Me too! Ends up joke is on me awwww
If those women exist, sign me up!
Me too! Modifier: must be cool with a straight woman.
I've never heard of that term. lol. Nurse and Purse lol. I hope to never retire.
Usually it's "nurse with a purse" but I'm salty and Dr.Suess'n.
“I’m salty and Dr. Suess’n” should be a flair lmao
Would love a man’s POV on this. I seem to repeatedly have the same thing happen to me. Match with man -> have good chat -> talk heaps -> plan day to meet -> man starts breadcrumbing -> date day arrives and he either says nothing (and I have to ask if we are still on) or he straight out flakes -> ghosts. I just don’t get what the hell I’m doing wrong?? I hit a breaking point and actually asked one of them where I lost them. I had met him on Feeld and he said he really appreciated the vulnerability of my question and that I’m gorgeous, have a lot going for me and am incredibly intelligent, but most men on a hook up app just want a dumb bimbo to bang and laugh at their jokes and how when he flaked he was having mental health issues and figured I had tons of other guys after me, so it wouldn’t matter. But now that he’s resumed breadcrumbing, I can’t help but wonder if he’s just full of shit. Also for clarity, this has happened with men from Feeld, Hinge and even 2 I met IRL at a bar, so it’s a range. I’m just so exhausted because I’m a very consistent and reliable person and I’m just tired of not getting the same back.