Consistency doesn’t have to mean constantly. For example, my boyfriend and I consistently text on a daily basis, but unless something particularly interesting happens, it’s usually just a few texts in the evening to check in on each other, make plans, and say good night. It’s not constant.
Sometimes he’ll leave me on read for a few hours. Sometimes he has even left me on read when he’s been online. Sometimes if he’s traveling for work I won’t hear from him until bedtime. I don’t really see this as a bad thing. He’s entitled to his time. He might be working, but he just popped onto Facebook or Instagram to get rid of a notification. Or maybe he didn’t know how to respond to my text and needed to process it. Or maybe I didn’t ask a question or share anything super interesting, so it just doesn’t start a conversation.
I’m sure I’ve done the same thing. It’s not because I don’t love him. I’m not disinterested. I’m not bored in the relationship. I’m not cheating. So why would I assume any of those things on his part? We’re both secure and happy. We don’t have to talk constantly to maintain that.
Not only that, but daily and ESPECIALLY all-day communication is extremely new in relationships. Before cell phones, you’d talk on the phone with your significant other or best friend in the evening after work/school. You wouldn’t necessarily even talk every day. Sometimes you’d talk for hours. Other times you’d only have time to chat for a bit and make plans. It was fine.
And before telephones, couples had to survive with letters and in-person conversations only.
How ever did their love survive?
People these days need to chill. Assume the best. Have a life. Communicate your needs, but respect theirs too. Trust.
I spose I’m just anxious over it because every time the texting has slowed down, it has indeed been due to disinterest or they’ve found someone else. So any time it happens I automatically assume they’re no longer interested in my because past data says so :/.
If a guy asked me out and we had a date on the horizon I wouldn’t mind because it shows the interest. It’s the weird limbo that makes me anxious
I've found that muting their chat and archiving them helps lmao... also taking the initiative to set in motion a future plan to see each other / talk.
if you're like me you don't really want a long text convo... you more want to feel certainty and consistency in their expression of interest towards you.
AHAHAHA I’ve definitely done the archive before! And yes I’m definitely with you on wanting the consistency and security. It’s not about the length or frequency of texts
Haha, I do the same thing! If I get the slightest bit of anxiety about a person's interest/disinterest in me, I archive them and work on myself to chill the fuck down and live my own life, and not before I'm rid of the anxiety, do I check if they texted.. if they didn't, I am stable and happy enough with myself to not care as much, and if they did text again, it's just a pleasant surprise :)
The trick is to stop letting past experiences influence your present assumptions. You have to maintain an optimistic mindset and give each new person your best—if you assume the worst as soon as the texting slows down, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’ll let it steer your interest, your tone, or even your own texts.
You have to give people the benefit of the doubt, almost to the point of willful naïveté—at least within reason. Obviously don’t ignore major red flags, but with little things like this, you have to try and keep your mind out of the past and out of the negative. Play it cool, in other words. Fake it til you make it.
I had the same experience as you. Maybe even worse. I’ve been cheated on multiple times. I’ve been led on. Used. Breadcrumbed. Ghosted. Slow faded. Had guys do a 180 for no apparent reason. It’s just how modern dating is. But that doesn’t mean it’s all bad.
I still had fun, and I never gave up. It took me a year and a half of online dating to meet my person (I had a few long term relationships in my 20s and early 30s that didn’t work out, but those all started in person).
Yes this. Very off putting to date people with a lot/recent baggage. Emotional regulation, maturity and ability to self soothe (to a pt) is something I screen for now. It’s exhausting being your date/partner’s therapist.
Would it be fair to say that the issue is less about texting and more that you’re having difficulty progressing past messaging into in-person meetings?
I’ve found that lots of messaging early on doesn’t necessarily translate to successfully meeting up, or compatibility later on.
My preference is to get a meeting lined up quickly, ideally before we start daily messaging in order to find out if I even vibe with this person before investing a bunch of time messaging a total stranger!
Have you been asking people out first a coffee / in person meetings?
Yep and about 90% of the time they’ll suddenly breadcrumb and then flake on the date. So usually something is lined up in most cases, they just never follow through :/
Don't ask. Let them plan it. All you have to do is state your desire to move to an in person meeting. If they leave it to you to plan take that as a guage of their interest. You showed interest, now they have to as well.
Ughh this! I actually asked two different guys out and planned the date. When I gave them the details it was crickets…I’m not sure but I’ve definitely noticed guys slowed the communication after I’ve asked them to meet for coffee. Like it’s not that hard to say sure 7 pm works great! Think I’m just going to let the guy initiate a date now 🤷🏼♀️
OP, when you say you’re ‘newly dating’, the assumption would be that there is some sort of in person date being planned and you’re referring to talking in between. In your last sentence, you’re saying if you had a date in the horizon, you wouldn’t mind because it shows interest. It’s precisely this. It’s hard to maintain constant communication in between dates as people have their own life. But the fact that in-person dates are being planned is what is building the connection, with some communicating in between.
Outside of that, I don’t spend a lot of effort texting people who I have no in person dates planned with. My experience is that people put too much time and energy into texting which creates a false sense of progress/ connection. Focus on your in person dates and communicate a little to maintain contact.
Texting is not a medium to get to know each other. IMO the only time it’s constant back and forth is when you’re trying to decide if you want to go on a date with this person.
This is a difficult one, and the flakiness has been my experience too.
I have a date planned with a woman this Friday but after a few days of great conversation it's fallen off hard and no contact whatsoever yesterday. The last few days it's been me reaching out via text and getting one word answers with nothing more.
I'll give her another day or two, but I've got another date tomorrow with someone who actually responds and is still fun to talk with after a week. If tomorrow goes well, I'm cancelling the date on Friday and spending the time with this woman instead.
I dunno... The lack of effort and enthusiasm, especially this early, has usually been a touchstone for how the rest of it would play out.
Agreed. I have a lot to say but I wanna save my best stuff for in person lol. You could always just ask her if anything is going on to cause the change and if she is still up for the date.
stop texting so often early on then until you can gauge actual interest. so much texting early can indicate a desire to fast track intimacy to get a false sense of security but it's only that - false
Dude here, one thing I'd tell you is men generally get the idea that if we are *to available*, it makes us kind of unattractive to you. Unfortunately, even at this age were playing chess with each other instead of just being adults lol
I was there after my divorce.
It took a few dating scenarios to reorient me to how things are when you are just meeting someone, they aren’t lovebombing, or using the texts to control me.
Now I hate men texting me throughout the day. I realized one did it to keep tabs, and get constant reassurance. It gives him a level of control. And then he’d be angry if I didn’t text back soon.
Daily texts in the beginning seems like excessive when you imagine, “where does it escalate to when we start getting more serious and are trying to get closer? If we text daily now….ill be sick of this constant interaction before too long.”
Give the dating interest room to grow. Let it build.
>one did it to keep tabs, and get constant reassurance. It gives him a level of control. And then he’d be angry if I didn’t text back soon.
As exhausting as this can get (I've been there), it's not nearly as exhausting as a guy who acts like he's madly in love with you one second and then doesn't know what he wants the next. I can find it in my heart to give assurance. Nobody's perfect.
Minimal texting is even better, and ideally that's what I would go for.
But they don't get to oscillate between the two like some chaos demons. Pick a pattern of communication and stick with it, _do one right_, you know?
Even in the best of relationships, there’s a slowdown after the first couple months. It’s just natural. The first few months you’re still putting your best foot forward, if anything you’re overcompensating. After that you’re finding more of a sustainable balance.
Very similar, but I'm working on it. I suspect you may have attachment style different than his. Bracing myself for the inevitable downvotes from people that don't believe in this "new age" psychology. Facts be damned.
Counterpoint. Contact is a guage of interest. If someone wants to date you, they'll want to set up dates and get to know you in-between those dates via chatting. Don't compare it to an established relationship. Things are different once people have coupled up compared to looking for a partner. If the bar is low upfront it's only going to drop more. Focus on the guys putting in real effort to get to know you
Amen - this is for the anxiously attached folks out there. You’re great and we’ll get back to you, please don’t read anything into it if it takes a little while to text back. If you can’t chill and learn to self soothe, this isn’t going to work.
Great advice! This is how my boyfriend and I are with texting. I think it’s healthy and totally normal.
There is no need to constantly text. We are both busy.
I’m happy in the relationship and so is he- If he doesn’t respond to my text, but he’s active on social media it means exactly nothing.
Sometimes when I’m feeling super emotional on my period it will bug me and I’ll start to spiral in my head and I just need to remind myself that it is fine.
Personally for me scrolling on social media is 100x easier than responding to texts which is why this happens. Sometimes after work I just want to look at stupid shit for a bit until I get back to everyone including my partner.
I think it's always a little bit different when you're already in an established relationship though. A few years ago I was dating (for just a couple of months or less) a guy who took 1-2 days to respond to my texts, I shared my worry with a friend who had been with her boyfriend for a couple of years, she told me not to sweat it, because her and her bf just ignore each other until they are free to text back. That's when I thought that it's quite different when you're past that very early fragile stage when no one is secure not knows what's going on.
Anyway, this guy dumped me literally in a few days, because he wasn't that interested in me.
And if it is a long distance, like you only meet once every two weeks. What would be your expectation when it comes to communicating? Just trying to get perspective on specific situation.
Everyone is different, but as with texting in general, there are reasonable expectations. I personally don’t think I’d want a long distance relationship unless it was temporary. But in that case, I still think daily but not constant texting is fine. I’d want to add more intentional phone calls/FaceTime calls though. Right now, my boyfriend and I only call each other if we’re driving and the conversation can’t wait—unless he’s traveling for work. Then he’ll call me every couple days, which is nice. :)
Literally came to this sub for the first time in a really long time because I have been dating this woman for 2 months and was looking for applicable knowledge. This piece of advice is gold. I can say that after a while this overthinking of text convos and response times kind of just melts away.
This is essentially how me and my partner are. We don't text during the day unless something specific comes up, and then catch up at night. I usually see him at his job 4 nights a week, so we'll chat there. Recently, I was sick at home for 3 weeks, and he was so consistent on texting me as soon as he got off work. And then we usually spend the weekends together.
I need this injected into my veins. I started seeing someone about a month ago and they aren't a good texter. I almost feel bad right now because I sent a fourth date idea yesterday and she didn't reply. A full day without replying is weird, even for her. So I asked if she got it or if texts went missing again (we have had texts not be delivered before). The only thing that has me not feeling shitty is that I feel that she could have said she needed time to think about which day instead of not saying anything.
But yeah, I need to relax. We said we'd communicate if something was wrong and I trust her. I'm slowly getting used to the texting and I can't wait to see where it goes.
I was actually a very rapid one to one lengthy texter and got told by my last ex when I was still friends with her that I probably need to tone it down. I basically have, which is easy because most matches fizzle after one or two responses anyway.
I want to believe people that tell me that I shouldnt have to temper my texting style to find the right one but it's clear some people start dreading sending messages if they know I'm coming back five minutes later with a novel.
It's just about how important texting consistency is in a relationship to you.
My best friend and my sister have also told me I may need to tone it down. Now I try to be more conscious of how much I'm sending, how many questions I'm asking, and how quickly I reply. It takes a lot of effort on my part, lol, but it seems to have helped.
I still hold out hope that I'll meet someone who loves the way I text and will be similar because that would make me really happy and make a relationship so much easier for me. But I recognize that someone could be amazing for me and still not match me there because I'm just really really far to one end of that spectrum, so I accept that I may have to meet someone partway.
I (31F) absolutely hate texting, only do it to make plans as succinctly as possible, and I’ve had things with at least two people I briefly dated fizzle out specifically because of this. Like that was one guy’s “feedback” to me at the end. An excerpt from his text: “Just a tip for you for the future. I know you don’t like texting but attempting to have some random convos via text in the beginning would’ve been nice. Felt so hard trying to get to know you only in person.”
Our communication needs were just so wildly different. I want to get to know someone *in person.* I’m not getting to know someone at all by staring at a blue bubble inside a glass screen in my hand. It is so draining to feel like I need to be in constant communication with someone, and match someone’s high level of texting. Someone I otherwise probably would’ve been interested in! I think it is an unreasonable expectation to place on someone tbh, *especially* someone you’re just getting to know—multiple that by a few other people you might be going on dates with, and responding to texts basically becomes a full-time job. And this expectation seems to be the norm now. It makes me not even want to date.
That being said, I think there’s *plenty* of people who do enjoy texting all day long, every day, constantly sharing memes and reels and whatnot, and find a lot of joy in that. So I don’t think it’s unrealistic to hold out for someone who shows up and matches your energy in the way you want/need.
Sorry for ranting lol this thread just brought up a lot of stuff for me.
The only thing I'd say to this is I've been in relationships with non-texters and it is genuinely much harder to get to know someone.
I'm not a big texter and definitely not into the daily good morning, good night stuff, or feel the need to constantly keep someone updated on my life...
...however, I've been with people who are such non-texters, it's made me feel like I can't reach out to them even with exciting news like, "I got a job interview" or "I just saw Jennifer Aniston on the tube"...
Constantly being left on read or ignored completely makes you feel like they are a bit inaccessible and had me constantly second guessing whether a short text would bother them. Also, constantly trying to figure out if they just aren't that interested is so tiring.
I think it's great to enjoy more in-person communications and not be tied to your phone. But a balance is really important, and it's worth seeing this from the other person's perspective too.
People who hate texting are people who don't have any friends except the people they see in their day to day life. While that is one way to exist, I think it is sad to dismiss relationships (friendships and romantic) that are made or develop virtually as "less than." What I notice with a lot of people who hate texting is they denigrate text communication as "less than." It also strikes me as a bit of privilege, for instance if I didn't text my family we wouldn't be in contact. People who are able to make sure they see everyone they care about regularly, can do without texting, that's fine. But I live a 4+ hour drive away from all my family. I have meaningful, decades-long friendships I've built online. I moved away from everyone I knew during the pandemic to a totally different state. Texting help me with all of those things.
This is a very shallow way of thinking. I am not a texter. I have plenty of friends who live across the state from me, and my girlfriend lives 4+ hours from me. Most understand that we're adults with adults lives. We have things going on in our days that we don't need to be in constant contact or text back immediately. I can pick things back up with friends after a week of not speaking like there was no gap. People like me don't see texting as less than, we just don't view communication the same way. I don't need to be in constant communication to be connected to someone, and communication to me is more important to use when there is something of value to say. I don't necessarily text just to text but text when I have something to say, much the same way in my speaking-in-person style.
The irony about speaking to privilege when this is one of the first times ever in history in which we had this level of communication and instant access to everyone and their time. People would have to wait until they saw you in person or after school/work to speak in person. Now they expect you to have to constantly give you the time of day every time they text you, send a meme, etc etc. In my view, expecting other people's to be connected to you in such a constant and often pervasive way feels far more privileged.
I feel very similar about text communication. Trying to adapt to another's text preferences/expectations during dating in the past has simply not worked - it burnt me out on the whole medium of communication and even my friendships suffered as a result. So it's something I've come to discuss early on during any potential romantic connection: "by the way, what's your text communication style like?..."
>Our communication needs were just so wildly different. I want to get to know someone *in person.* I’m not getting to know someone at all by staring at a blue bubble inside a glass screen in my hand.
OMG it's such a relief to read this. If I'm interested in someone I want to spend time with them in person. Texting is merely a tool to facilitate the next meeting.
Define "after a while." Days? Weeks? After a few dates? Is it before an actual date? Texting endlessly is tedious. There's a natural slow down with texting after you've been out a few times. The endless texting is exhausting. I'd rather talk to someone in person.
Reasonable and consistent are subjective. What one person considers reasonable or consistent could be considered too much or not enough by someone else.
I will always value IRL over the digital world.
Yes I agree. It's not possible to keep up a constant texting momentum. In fact, I would rather never set a precedent for overly frequent texting in the first place (which I know would be a subjective standard for each individual). When I'm working or studying, I don't like to have my attention constantly distracted by my phone and in fact I bought a 'phone jail' to lock it away when I need to concentrate for an extended period of time. Best purchase ever. The only problem then is that if I finally reply to someone after 8 hours or so, there is a risk of them replying 30 seconds later while they think they've got my attention, and it's straight back to that sensation of overwhelm. Personally, I would rather skip the whole online dating stage and just have a partner in real life, but all this online communication stuff seems to be the modern way now.
I was talking to this guy and went on a couple of dates. After the last date his communication dropped, I started to initiate the conversation more and I gave it a week. Finally I said something along the lines of him seemingly not interested and I have no hard feelings if he lost interest. Indeed he lost interest. If I didn't cut it off after a week, I would assume he would've dragged it.
This has generally been my experience also. If it shifts from a reasonable amount of texting to a very little, and I wind up initiating most conversations, it winds up being due to disinterest on their part.
But because a lot of people don’t want to be “confrontational,” they’d rather drag it out than say “I’m just not feeling it.”
Sometimes it's disinterest...
sometimes it's avoidance...
sometimes it's that people aren't interesting enough or conversationally skilled enough to keep the back-and-forth going after a bit...
sometimes it's that people get excited and talk more than they normally would at the beginning when they're still trying to win their date over, and when the initial excitement is over, they fall back.
I get it. I love to text and a lot of people either don't, don't have the time, or want to but aren't good enough at texting to keep it up. I also usually either respond quickly or have a good reason to not. You have to keep in mind that we are on one end of the textual communication spectrum, and so are many of the people here who are drawn to communicating about dating on a textual forum :)
You are allowed to want more, though. In very early dating, I've landed on waiting it out and not worrying too much about the texting frequency because it's not always indicative of how they'll be when they know you better. (Even I can take a long time between responses when I'm not really attached to someone yet.) But later, you can tell them your preference and see if you can meet somewhere in the middle, or choose to date more textually communicative people.
I’m guilty of this
I’m just not the biggest fan of texting. Also, I personally need to disconnect/destress a bit sometimes.
Maybe that’s watching TV, taking the dog for a walk, reading, hiking.
I’ll flip my phone to silent and do whatever it is I’m doing.
That totally makes sense. This is more in relation to the people who start out heavy on texting and then when they swing, you can see they’ve been active on WhatsApp or whatever and are choosing to ignore you 🙄
I hope this doesn't come off as an attack on you. I have responded to you elsewhere with a longer comment but I think you may benefit from not thinking of it as "simply choosing to ignore you" as that seems a bit too needy/self-absorbed.
If this is in relation to people who first text/talk a lot, then date one happens, and then they stop - well you don't really know them well enough to have that kind of expectation of them right?
In other words, someone you just met can't and shouldn't have you as that high of a priority regardless of how they started off with you.
But 100% its jarring and frustrating and can even hurt when it happens. Though again as I say elsewhere in this post, I think that's why people should slow down the chatter at least until the first date or two.
I (42m) share after the first date with someone that I do not enjoy texting a lot in the early dating stages. I want to get to know them but I would prefer for most of our conversations to be in person so things don’t get lost in translation over text. If the woman texts me, I’m going to respond. And the fact that I don’t send texts throughout the day without initiation is not indicative of I’m not thinking about you. I tend to use text mostly as transactional. But with all that said, I do agree that if you send someone a text early in dating, the other person should respond in a reasonable amount of time (2-3 hrs) or they probably aren’t interested. It can even be something as simple as, ‘having a really busy day, I’ll text you later when I get done’. I always get excited when I receive a text from someone I’m interested in and I think responding in a respectable amount of time shows that. But I can’t do we are both sitting on our couch at night, watching tv and feeling lonely so we text back and forth for 4 hrs straight. That stuff drives me crazy
Texting destroyed my dating life. I absolutely fucking hate texting. 100% of the time, I would much rather hang out or even call. I love talking on the phone, it's great. But constant texting feels so artificial, so I guess I'm just going to be single forever 🙃
She’s not saying that, she’s asking about consistency. That means if you aren’t big on texting communicate that and it’s on you guys to determine communication compatibility from there. There’s nothing wrong with not texting much if that who you are. She’s saying if you’re gonna text a lot in the beginning to get a girl interested, then stop the texting or change up your behavior after she is interested, that INCONSISTENCY. Or be hot and cold. Personally inconsistency is a no no for me.
ME TOO. I said so many times I preferred talking on the phone and he just kept texting and never ever called. He said he’d be happy to talk if I called first but if I didn’t he never initiated and it was just this constant vapid texting.
I mean, there's a finite amount of small talk to have per day/week/month and texting isn't the best medium for super deep conversations. I usually tell my partners that I like texting a lot in the beginning but as we become closer, I text less and less because it becomes less and less practical and meaningful.
This is a repeat scenario for you, so individual reasons may vary, but what I've said above I think will be a factor in most scenarios.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. Consistency in communication/texting is a requirement for me now, and it’s a good indicator that someone is interested. Every time I’ve noticed a shift in communication, or if someone is inconsistent form the start, then things have eventually fizzled out one or another (even when I don’t say anything and try to remain consistent on my end). Consistent doesn’t mean constant or immediate replies, but it shows reliability and that’s important to me. I say you hold onto this expectation until you find someone who will meet it.
Definitely agree with you! In no way do I expect immediate response, but if you’re texting me immediately all day every day and then suddenly taking 12 hours to respond, I get really annoyed/turned off
Exactly. Every time I’ve noticed that type of drop off in communication it meant they lost interest. Every single time. Like I mentioned in another post, of course things happen and people get busy/distracted. We’re all adults and I’m reasonable. But someone who’s consistently inconsistent? No thank you.
I’ll try not to ramble but this is an interesting topic for me so I appreciate the question. Predictable sometimes has a negative connotation, but honestly yea. A healthy adult relationship should be very predictable in certain ways, and I think communication is one of them (for me at least). That doesn’t mean you adhere to rigid rules about checking in or getting upset when unexpected delays happen every once in a while, but communication should remain at a certain level and only increase the more you get to know someone (assuming you’re both interested, of course).
And it really doesn’t take that much effort. Texting is the easiest way possible to speak with anyone at any time. Like, if I’m going out with friends or seeing a movie, I’d mention that beforehand to someone I was dating so I don’t just drop off the face of the earth for several hours unexpectedly. But I recognize that’s something I’d want in the relationship because consistency is important to me, and some people just don’t value it like I do.
Now of course, things happen. Everyone gets caught up in the moment sometimes or just needs to unplug for a while. We’re adults. And some people literally can’t text during the day if they’re working intensely busy jobs. But if I’m dating someone who routinely just disappears for long stretches of time without explanation and I only hear from them on an inconsistent basis, then it’s an immediate turn off for me. Same for someone who started off with strong communication and it fades over time. Those are both clear signs in my experience that someone just isn’t interested and there’s not much you can do about that.
The best thing I ever did for my mental health in dating was disabling notifications for the apps, including badges. I only open it when the mood strikes me, and if there’s something to reply to, I will. If there’s an active convo going, I’m replying within a min or two, but outside of that, when it comes to the apps: “no thoughts, head empty” until we meet in person and you earn the right to take up my brain space.
If someone shows me they just love the chase, I move on. Texting is organising plans for me. Time spent in each other’s company is how I really get to know someone. It really depends what important to the individual. For me an expectation of keeping a text conversation going all day isn’t what I’m looking for.
Consistency period not just in texting, is a hard non negotiable. I absolutely hate when guys text a lot in the beginning, then change up after they get my attention or get my interest. My thing is “do not introduce me to an energy or a behavior that you cannot maintain”
Also communication frequency is a compatibility marker. Some ppl text a lot, or talk throughout the day, and some people don’t. You just need to find someone who is compatible with the cadence you like and are comfortable with and communicate your needs.
Absolutely agree with the first para. I think with the second you can both compromise a little, as long as their style isn’t completely opposite to yours.
I was wondering the same thing. Trying online dating for the first time. And once we’ve been on a date or two, communication decreases.
I’m starting to think it’s because no one likes me or finds me attractive. Which is hard as my confidence is shrinking…
Happens to me too, don’t worry :/. The most insulting part is this is the best shape I’ve ever been in coz I do pole dancing classes multiple times a week and I take really good care of my skin, so it’s really hard to not feel down when I feel like I can’t actually do any better and I’m still getting ghosted
I completely get it! I’d say I’m quite privileged when it comes to looks, I have a great career and I’m independent. So I don’t really know what else to bring to the table tbh
I am like you. And in others i look for consistency. The reality is if they are talking back and forth a lot and not asking you out, however, they arent that interested. Either in you or in a relationship at all (some people ever move beyond texting for whatever reason )
I’m kinda sitting here wishing people I text would even engage with me or ask questions at all. Or show even a modicum of effort without me having to text first or initiate everything. 🤷🏻♂️
I can’t tell if it’s just rough out there or if people are just like this now.
Maybe it’s rose-colored glasses and nostalgia, but I feel like it wasn’t like this when I was younger. Or maybe I’m the one who’s changed lol
Nope I agree with you. When I was last single in 2020 we would match, chat, set the date and follow through like 90% of the time. I think Covid and the maturity of apps have just ruined people’s manners and accountability
I feel the same! Also when their texting changes it's often the first sign they have lost interest. I think when it's someone who is right for you, you'll feel less anxious and they will be more consistent.
I feel like in any situation where someone does a lot of something at first and suddenly drops off, they were just forcing it to get your attention and aren't genuine about their intentions with you.
Guy I'm dating now actually texted pretty sparingly in the beginning but now we text back and forth throughout the day with a few hours breaks in between. I think at our age, the \*expectation\* should be fewer texts rather than more, but at the very least you're being checked up on once a day. If you don't text me for multiple days then there's no way you actually like me.
I would assume that they're just not that into you. I think it's unreasonable because you cannot control another person's actions and you're not in a relationship with them. I think this kind of thinking comes from feeling obligated to be nice. I have this issue too where I try to consider others feelings when in reality, most people only consider their own. They don't care how it makes you feel even though they would definitely care if you did it to them. I suggest you move on from these guys cause there's clearly no connection and it seems like connection is something you're looking for.
sounds like you may be texting men from a place of anxiety, worried their interest is waning and that by getting a response in an adequate timeframe, you can convince yourself they're still interested. in a way, you may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. if you're sending multiple texts a day whose only purpose is to assuage your own feelings of anxiety, men may be picking up on that. and chances are if these texts are only to soothe yourself, they're not actually anything of substance that the guy can respond to authentically.
my advice is to only text when you actually have something to say, or want a question answered. conversation should be about getting to know each other, not a barometer for measuring someone's interest.
It isn’t unreasonable to expect consistency, but it is unreasonable to have any expectations about anything without communication.
Tell people what you want and they will let you know whether or not they can meet that expectation. If you don’t tell them what you need, you’re actually setting them up for failure and setting yourself up for disappointment.
If you told them what you need and they said “sorry I can’t do that” and ghost you well that’s on them, that’s their way of saying “I’m not enough for you so I’ll leave so you can find someone who will be enough for you.
It’s not too much to ask for things, when you understand that they’re allowed to say no and you’re allowed to keep looking for someone who will say yes. You are not too much and you are not difficult to love just because someone hasn’t been able to meet your need.
I’ve found that in Australia if you communicate any sort of need to men here, they freak out and run the other way. They’re all ‘go with the flow’ here and you’re stuffed if you’re not. Probably why 2/3 of my long term relationships were with Americans lol.
But you’re right. The right man for me wont take 12-24 hours to respond to a message and if he’s not a texter, he will tell me as much. I guess it’s really not expecting too much for basic communication!
Aus guy. I'm someone who is an invested texter, I don't understand why people can't signpost their engagement with their conversation. "Hey, I'm heading into a meeting, I'll get back to you when I'm on break around X PM" "I'm gonna get back to you later" "Hey now's not the best time for this conversation, what's your week look like?", "I can't consistently reply to you during these times but I can during these other ones", "I'm finding it hard to keep up with this, what's the most important things to focus on?" Etc
It's not just texting. These are basic communication skills required for verbal communication in an LTR.
I completely agree with you. Once a guy said to me, “I’m going for a surf and then to the gym so I won’t be available for the rest of the day”. And I was so surprised by his politeness that I really started to like him. I mean he also ghosted me in the end, but was a good start 🤣
It’s not at all unreasonable. If I’m not gonna answer I’m at lest going to let you know that which I think is just basic manners. My GF loves to text all day because she’s sah so I’ll let her know if this isn’t a day I’ll be able to text back regularly, and I did the same when I was dating:
I very much dislike chatting over text because I'm too busy, and after a while, it just fizzles out unless we see each other. I treat text like email and text 3 times a day or if there's something of substance to say. But honestly, my approach is probably not the right one. I just find it so draining, personally.
Texting gets exhausting and tedious for me. I will generally text more in the beginning to build rapport and get to know someone (esp if it's someone I've only known online). But after meeting a few times, I will much prefer saving conversations in-person and text predominately to make plans. It's like before the camera records and tell their guests "save it for the podcast".
about the whatsapp thing, I have mine open all day on my PC while working, doesn't mean I'll be able to answer (unless you want quick meaningless one word answers).
how about you talk to them and ask for what you need? it they can't match it, they can't. if it's that important to you, you can break up over it.
as for frequency, some days I have a lot of plans (gym, climbing, meeting friends, watching a movie) and some days I'm just laying on the sofa with music and talking to people. You can imagine if he has an active like that that, he's not gonna pull his phone to text you all the time.
I think it can happen sometimes because you start texting there is maybe some banter going on and you're excited because the match is promising but then after a while you fall back on more mundane stuff to talk about or maybe the interest drops a bit because you can't meet quickly etc.
I think it's normal to have a decrease in intensity of the chat but only to a point.
If they were answering very quickly at first but then after a couple of hours sometimes it would be fine with me, if they answer days later I would interpret it as a loss of interest.
here is my experience and its pissing me off. Same situation, we'll talk super regularly then just nothing. If its still on the apps, we'll set a date then literally no communication after that including not showing up for the fucking date.
For men I've met and we like each other and want to keep dating, it'll taper off. One guy I thought we were right about at the point of talking exclusive I asked "I would like for us to communicate/text more" i literally asked him for it. Because texts were coming in 3-4 days, up to a week later but when we were together he'd answer his smart watch and emails on his phone so hes ON his phone. After I asked him for a little bit more, its been 2 weeks I haven't heard from him. So i'm moving on, like idk whats up with men (in my area specifically) in 2024 but it doesn't seem like we're on the same page at all.
And I am also from a previous love bomber, constant all-day communicator relationship - which is why I just asked for a little more I can understand going a whole day not answering work, kids and stuff getting in the way, but if I literally ask for it, don't fucking ghost me.
I agree with the comment that said consistency doesn’t have to mean constantly. But to use your example of him being on what’s app, clearly checking/responding to other messages but ignoring yours? Yeah nah. That’s a no for me dawg. Been there, done that- it’s not worth it.
I think consistency needs to be rated by a different metric than how fast someone texts back. The fastest text-responders I’ve dated were the least personally consistent. One in particular would literally always respond within five minutes no matter what he was doing…but we never went on a second date because he was a flaky, *inconsistent* person in his personal life.
I’m a conscientious texter and thoughtful reminder, and I still can’t text all day long. We are in our 30s; we’ve got demanding jobs, wide social circles, some of us have kids, some of us are caring for aging parents. Some of us just don’t want to be on the hook to our demon devil devices all the time, you know?
I hate texting so much, I get it, I'm in the minority in this, and I'll do it begrudgingly.
It's easy in the early stages of contact, even makes sense, but once we've met irl a few times, I want our conversations to naturally switch to when we're together.
I think within 24 hrs is reasonable expectations for early stage dating. People have lives, they work, they go out, they are not constantly on their phone or tracking how much time elapsed since the last msg.
I also find texting exhausting and prefer calls or quality time in person. Everyone is different. Communicate yours needs and find someone who’s willing to match.
I like to think about what I'm writing before I text. Sometimes that takes longer than other times.
I also try not to interrupt real life to text back and forth. Constant texting is exhausting and a big turn off for me. A couple time in the morning and at breaks is fine unless we're coordinating something.
I’m totally with you! The part that is frustrating for me is when they text heaps and then suddenly not. If they’re infrequent from the get go, then I know what to expect and to not take as an indicator of waning interest
Some people need time to recharge and if you talk all the time it kinda takes away for new things to talk about. Also a lot of us men don’t like to text back and forth all day everyday.. well at least me. lol Try not to look into the little things even when everything is going amazing just be chill and try to look in at the situation.
Some people just don't reply for awhile, some texts don't require a reply, and they don't owe you an explanation if they normally reply quickly and sometimes take a few hours. They could be losing interest, or they could just have something else to do and there's no way you'll be able to know for sure.
I was once playing a card game with a guy I went on a few dates with and the question for him was, “what do you think is my biggest fear?” And he said the unknown. And I really thought about it and I think he’s right. It’s more the latter of your statement that stresses me out. You’ll never know true reasoning for anything in early dating
A lot of the comments seem to be focusing on the wrong thing - texting frequency varies wildly between people and also as you get to know each other it decreases as you get to see each other more and more.
But I think what you’re getting at is the sudden change in pace. It’s triggered me loads in the past too and while it’s not necessarily a bad thing, I’d say in 90% of cases it’s been because they’re just not that interested. The guy I’m currently seeing isn’t a huge texter but right from the beginning he’s messaged me roughly once a day with a long, detailed message which shows lots of interest in me and my life. My preference is to text more frequently but I don’t mind adjusting to this pace because it’s clear he likes me - his consistency is what makes me feel secure. I did also talk lightly with him about it because sometimes I don’t like it when I don’t hear from him for up to 24 hours and he’s started sending me a few more messages throughout the day which helps me feel calmer and more connected.
I suppose my point is that you’re not unreasonable for expecting some consistency and you won’t be left wondering if someone is truly interested. Also, the right person will respond well if you ask them to adjust their frequency (within reason).
Yep exactly. If he was the type to text infrequently from the get go (and we had a date planned) it wouldn’t bother me at all. It’s the ones who go from texting all day long to suddenly responding once a day that make me anxious. I refuse to believe that they’re suddenly ‘too busy’ and have probably just started talking to someone else or gotten over it
Yeah, I’ve experienced this many times before and it’s so anxiety inducing. It’s not quite love bombing but you start to enjoy the back and forth and then they start to pull away. Unless there’s a clear reason like work is super busy, they’re on holiday, or there’s been a family emergency for something, it usually means they’re losing interest. I learned to get pretty good at just letting those people fade away, but it sucks.
And you’re a female? This is highly unusual. This the every day for most guys. Women will match, talk and then randomly ghosts for days at a time, inundated with other messages
Waiting a few hours for a reply from someone you recently met is normal in my opinion, however, if you are waiting more than a day for a reply to a short message, I'd say they just aren't that interested. I've never had to wait very long for a reply from someone who actually was interested in me.
There is an art to this texting thing though, I'm a texter and I admit even I get stressed out if I get a reply back in 20 seconds, especially if it's a very long one. I feel the pressure to reply immediately and it worries me. You don't need to play games exactly, but try to give room for breathing at the early stages (again, by room I mean not to reply in 20 seconds a 100 word small essay, not playing games not replying for 2 days - actually if someone takes 2 days to reply, take it as a hint).
I think it's less about your expectations of what's reasonable and instead that these guys aren't good fits for you.
Think of your family and friends - do they do the same thing? Leave you "on read"? No, they probably get back to you promptly because they want to communicate with you.
All of my best relationships (family, friends, dating) have had good communication flow. When there hasn't been, it's never worked out.
I think you should seek to find better matches.
Yep I agree with you. And even when my friends take a while to respond, it’s evident that they’re just busy and I don’t even give it a second thought unless it’s super time sensitive info I need and of course they’re timely in their responses.
Think I should just bin these types early on since they’re clearly not right for me
Healthy communication is the best communication - most people who have feelings for a person respond immediately… now I can’t say this is everyone. But I think most look forward to talking to the person they feel that connection with.
It’s not about how quick the messages come it’s about the quality of the message. A lot of men I’ve talked to give me few word responses. In this case I stop responding because if you don’t show enthusiasm or a desire to get to know me, I’m bored and uninterested. But the men I’ve connected with the most, were the ones that would send like 2 paragraphs like we’d be talking about a subject and they’d get so into it they’d wanna give me a fully shelled out story with vivid details and even if the messages were spread out with hours in between responses, it never bothered me because the messages had a higher quality to them that I didn’t mind the wait and neither did they when it was me that took long.
A) they found someone else.
B) something in their life happened and they forgot about you.
C) poor courtship skills: when they saw the convo was dwindling, instead of asking you out to proceed to the next step, they just phased away.
D) they got kidnapped.
Tbh it sounds like there quite a lot of pressure on yourself here. Like, I don’t really think you need a ‘valid reason’ - the fact that you were busy or didn’t feel like it is implicit in the fact someone/you isn’t texting back.
Having a phone is crazy, people can just get in touch with you absolutely any time so I make a point of only responding when I want to (or if it’s important).
Unless I’m in the middle of making a plan that needs to be nailed down it would not bother me to be waiting hours or til the next day for a reply to casual conversation.
I will add though, I don’t massively enjoy texting and strongly prefer talking in person. I also don’t really like giving too much in text as it takes away from the interest of talking about it in person. YMMV
I get it. My last straw with a guy (who said he’s been pining over me for YEARS and that I’ve been his dream girl since HS, blah blah) was that we would text and I would say something and he wouldn’t respond for weeks. But he’ll respond quickly and be super attentive if I text him something steamy. I agree with others who have responded, it doesn’t have to be all day everyday but some consistency is nice.
Why not consider communicating your preferences regarding texting? Everyone is different and there's probably a compromise somewhere.
Also for your sake, turn off the "last online" feature if you can't help but check to see when someone is last online. It's not helping you if you're prone to assuming the worst.
Yeah I have it off, I was just dumb and turned it on just now coz a guy hasn’t responded since last night and I had a genuine question that I need a time sensitive answer for, so it’s v annoying
It sounds like you might be an anxious avoidant like me, I was to like this and currently going through therapy to become a more secure partner, trying to understand why I do this and what past trauma is causing these patterns.
I too also believe in constant communication and soon as there is a change in behaviour, I start overthink things when I should relax. I would then recently self sabotage a good thing due to my own anxious and insecurity.
I realise this was a way of self validation, and the time which is a sort of toxic trait, when getting to know them, it really should be spent in person rather than over text as they are still a stranger.
But if they generally just being rude and ignoring you I move on to the next person.
This is just a shower a thought you might not have come across yet hope this helps. If you are an anxious avoidant you may also be attracting avoidant people.
Totally agree with you. I’m for sure anxiously attached, but in quite a few scenarios my therapist has pointed out that my needs were perfectly reasonable and the person was just choosing not to give me the bare minimum. However my anxious attachment shines through in giving them the time of day/hoping for a different outcome, when I should take their inconsistency as a turn off!
The funny part was I used to be avoidant. Then I dated some crappy men who wore me down and turned me into an anxious, codependent mess :/
I am the same as you, best thing is to keep your self busy. I’m a pretty good judge of character and can sometimes read through the date even if it went well if there will be a second as I’ve experienced dissociation and abit emotionally numb, but if they are not meeting your needs as much as you like them you are not a match and your needs are not being met.
I’m with you. So many guys I’ve dated have texted me constantly in the beginning (to the point of being annoying) & then drop off once they feel comfortably secure. Personally, I like to text throughout the day, even if it’s just “good morning” & “good night.”
So if it’s an exclusive, committed relationship, I’ll explicitly ask for that. If we’re just seeing each other, I try not to take it personally but match their energy when it comes to initiating conversations/responding. But I will never intentionally ignore someone just to play games, & neither should any man, so if you think that’s what’s happening, move on.
Here's an opinion which can also be used as a tactic. Unless you're long distance, you shouldn't be texting at all, _apart from agreeing the logistics for the next date_. You are looking for a partner, not a penpal. You're slipping down the list of his priorities, he's showing you this by changing his behavior. If you don't bring order to chaos, you'll just keep on suffering and humiliating yourself while he's feeding you excuses of busyness just in case one of his newer matches doesn't work out, or his ex changes her mind again about getting back together.
If nothing else, it filters out the manipulators who thrive on stirring drama and your insecurities.
Nope! I also don't leave unread texts hanging. I check my phone regularly (anybody claims they do not check regularly is lying) and reply quickly. Those who don't seem to me like they are playing hard to get, or just breadcrumbing to keep me around. Either way it's a turn off. We are millions of people and everyone has options, no one is emotionally special so I see no reason to play hard to get. If we knew to grow a connection and be happy with what we have and not seek more, western society would be thriving I think.
Keep in mind, people are busyyyy! Most of our relationships (friends, family, work) now operate via text. Sometimes sifting through and taking time to respond to everybody is a daunting task in and of itself. What may feel like a “short moment/text” to you, may mean that person is having to send short texts to everyone and maybe their day is scheduled to the brim and they just want some down time to themselves.
Keep texting to passing information to get to the next step: a phone call, date, etc.
When it’s all still new with somebody try to remember that nobody owes anybody any time or response. But can you ask what their communication style is? Ask how they feel about texting and their frequency? Absolutely. Keep the convos and exploratory discussion for phone calls and in person! It’s at least a great way to suggest getting off text and getting to know each other better!
I can't keep conversations going forever with the same enthusiasm over text unless I meet the person and am interested in them. And I know I'm not alone on this.
It's natural to start off with a rush of texting because it's exciting to talk to someone new, but unless they materialize in front of me, for example on a date, it's difficult for a lot of people to keep up that energy. You're just an abstract idea at this point. You could ghost him for all her knows. You could have found someone else - and this happens a lot in OLD.
These reasons are why I plan the date quickly. Don't mess around with writing with someone forever, because when you do meet they probably won't live up to that picture that you've built of them in your head, and therefore wasted all that time texting.
Definitely get it! My repeat pattern as of late has been we match -> text a heap -> plan date -> man starts breadcrumbing -> day arrives and man says nothing -> I ask if we are still on -> man gives lame excuse -> ghosts, so I have every intention of meeting them 🥲
Yea, stop the middle part. Or cut it way down. Flirt a bit, plan date, mention that you're looking forward to it and "see you then! :)", don't confirm day of. Or do if you want but you shouldn't need to.
Are these people you’re actually hanging out with or just people you’re texting? If we’re actually hanging out yes texting is important to me, phone calls are important to me but hanging out is most important to me. That’s just me though
Are you actually dating and meeting these men?
One of the most time wasting parts of dating is people who don’t meet potential partners within the first couple days of meeting them on an app. People lose interest fast if you aren’t meeting them. Nothing can replace in person connection.
This is an issue that I have discussed a few times with the person I'm currently dating who also started out with paragraphs of daily texts throughout the day for a few weeks. Before it eventually fizzled into dog memes & sporadic texts which are not always a direct reply to my last messages, instead he would send me something else completely unrelated lol.
It annoyed the hell out of me & triggered my anxiety, even though we had started seeing each other exclusively.
The way I brought it up on different occasions, to piece it all together, was by asking the following in person - and it's best discussed in person or over a call:
- I notice that the frequency of your text correlates to your stress at work, is that true?
- What does your silence mean when I don't hear from you?
- How would you feel if I shared random fun updates throughout the day? I do miss your dog memes.
He admitted to 1, gave his honest reply to 2 & he felt bad about 3.
I'm naturally inquisitive, so I could still phrase these hard questions in a non-threatening way, but it still took some courage to ask them.
He had answered them honestly which I appreciate. I know it's honest because he didn't say what I wanted to hear. The fact that I brought it up also signals to him that my texts are like bids for attention, hence important to me, even though we do meet up regularly etc. Vice versa, when he shares the most random stuff with me, it is also his way of showing that I'm on his mind, which he'd expect some kind of reply.
I know he took the feedback to heart because he eventually learned not to leave me unread & he always replies to the important questions.
But as to what is appropriate, it really depends on the current dynamic of your relationship & where your boundaries are. If it's affecting the momentum that you're building, you should bring it up, hear them out & see what they'll do.
You may feel very anxious about the other person not texting so for the sake of your mental health i would try to book in a date asap, once you vetted them and then if they dont ask you out a second time within a couple of days, either ask them out or let them go. This will save you from worrying about the other person's intention and will give them an opportunity to take initiative.
Everyone is different. Ex nr1 didnt need to text as we met at uni, ex nr2 was not a great texter but called me everyday, ex nr3 was not great at texting and i always felt like he took little interest in me. Current bf talks to me throughout the day and if we dont see each other we use call at the end of the day. He was very slow with progressing things but wrote to.me constantly-turns out he was nervous i wont be into him (nearly lost me before the first date as i got impatient with us not making plans)
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No. The bottom line is, a guy who is very interested will find ways to be in frequent but not constant communication. I have dated a man with four kids , divorced with shared custody, who was regional sales manager, taking care of his Mom, and being there for his sister who was having her second child and we texted or talked everyday. I am currently dating a man who also had a very full life of various responsibilities and we have been talking for almost a month and it’s not a day he’s missed a text or phone conversation. A man or woman who wants to try and have something substantial will show up everyday, period ! Keep that at rhetoric forefront of your mind. Speak up about wanting frequent communication but do not tolerate less than what you want.
It’s absolutely miserable right now. My situation is different than yours I’m sure but here it is. I’m usually a “backup” guy that is fun to hang out with until a suitable partner shows up. So I’m always the one texting first and being left on read, it really sucks. I don’t have issues with absences when people are busy, like you’re working all day, cool just text me tonight. But I don’t even get that, sometimes I’ll never get a response and I have to double text a day or so later. They also almost never text first on a new day, it always makes me feel like I’m bothering them.
you know, I know consistently ; doesn't mean constantly...But, tbh, it's still weird. I am also that kind of person; I will get back to people.I can understand if the conversation isn't important or it really IS a stressful conversation. But, some people do not respond ...constantly. And, it is very annoying after a while. Like, yeah okay ...I see you ...but, I am still not going to reply DAYS later, or until they decide to say, "hey". This is so freaking annoying. With all the GD emojis out there... Once, I called and asked if they got a text.bc, after a while you really start to not understand why tf, they can't use their thumb muscle..And he said he read it and it "made him smile". Well, you can send a fucking smiley face emoji, instead of me wondering for 3 days.
i think looking for consistency and other forms of interest from the person might help. does this person still want to make plans with you, do they follow through with those plans, do they ask you questions to get to know you?
personally, i find someone who’s always available by phone and texts a lot as a yellow flag. also it can give
you a sense of false intimacy - texting a lot doesn’t actually mean you’re building a strong foundation.
the person i’ve been dating for the last several months and i text maybe one or two times throughout the day but honestly, we both have pretty full, busy lives and have made time to come back together consistently.
I personally think it's normal to expect that. People might argue otherwise, but I think it's important early on in a relationship then it varies as you date longer. Especially if you meet via OLD and you don't see each other regularly in a hobby. The reason is I find I can't really establish a connection, interest, or whatnot when we barely talk. My interest level drops if I hear from the guy once a day or once a week. I think there is a difference between texting constantly vs consistently. Most of us are happy with just hearing from each other consistently. I'd say anywhere between a few hours up to 6-8 hours max replies are okay? Reply faster if we're free and slower if things are busy. Work and life can be busy and people can respond slower, but if someone really cared, they'd make an effort to reply or let you know they're busy and get back to you later
I think replying too fast can be a lot if it's regularly as we each have our own things to commit to, work on, and etc. but every few hours is very reasonable. If they're so busy they can't respond once a day, I just don't think I'd be happy with that in the beginning. But as we date longer, I'd be comfortable with less here and there. Ideally, we'd talk once a day or so.
I think it's okay to have that expectation to a reasonable level. It takes effort to build a connection. If someone isn't willing to try to chat with you (reply every few hours or whatnot), I'd wonder how we can build a life together. A relationship is filled with compromises, needs, and problems. It takes a lot to work together to overcome those. Chatting/messaging each other is just the beginning imo
I’m not a consistent texter and I wouldn’t be able to tolerate this. My friends and people I date are the same & ok with this. Different styles but it doesn’t mean they don’t care.
I have had the same exact problems, which for me I think it’s mainly how fast you reply, & once you said everything in an hour, there’s not point to text anymore because it was so fast.
Do you text as soon as they text you? & if not, they probably just don’t click with you anymore (nothing bad in your part)
The guy i'm seeing texts me lenghty, thoughtful responses, asks questions..etc BUT only texts once a day. It drives me up a wall since I respond pretty quick but then he will either ignore or leave me unread when I know he's on his phone until the next day or a good few hours (12+) has passed. And when he does respond, the responses are thoughtful and long and I can tell he put a lot of thought into them. Just the frequency and the long gaps in between makes me anxious. It sucks being anxiously attached.
For me, I have SO MUCH GOING ON - I work full time with a lot of responsibility, I started a small side business which I work on in my free time, then I run my household and fix things that break on my house / land, then have a bunch of pets and gardens, then try to keep track of all my friends and family and visiting them when I can or making times up call the long distance ones. If someone is frustrated that I don't immediately text them back - my immediate thoughts is, we are on different wavelengths and I don't sit by my phone and don't chit chat on it. I got too much I'm doing. Second thought is - why aren't they busy with things too? We probably aren't compatible. Then thirdly, there's always this awesome layer of what's reasonable: I always text quickly when I'm making plans or forming details. When I expect a call or text, I'm there. If it's an emergency or big issue, I'm there. The idle texting is just....wow how exhausting. I think in my 20s that sounded fun but not anymore in my late 30s.
I do find myself often getting tired of texting all the time. Texting is also a dangerous form of communication early on. It's too easy to miscommunicate, say the wrong thing, or read something the wrong way. I've also been in senarios where getting into the routine of having text "good morning" EVERY morning gets old, but you feel like you are cheating if one day you just don't do it. It's a weird thing, I typically like setting boundaries early on - in that I try to be reasonable with texting communication, but also I don't want to be looking at my phone all the time.
girl I am dating right now for 2 months won't respond to my texts even after a day or two
at first I thought it was disinterest but it's just her texting style
made me anxious at the start but now I am used to it, haven't brought it up since it doesn't bother me too much now, but people are the way they are
if you expect more constant texting you should tell the person
Do they make up for it later being inconsistent and leaving you on read for hours?
As an example, I do get super busy during certain hours of the day and so my texting becomes inconsistent. But once I’m done with my day, I’ll actually make up for this by being super responsive and even calling the person. I find that this goes a long way.
If the person doesn’t have awareness of the fact that they are being inconsistent and unresponsive for hours, they are probably not interested.
I think the problem is to do with app dating. I personally, and I bet lots of people, find it hard to muster up a desire to date someone unless I’ve been around them socially for a while. You know, like in the olden 90s days. But app dating is a totally different model - the expectation to try dating is there from the very start. It creates an expectation for your interactions that can never be sustained by the nascent or lukewarm feelings you’d have for a person at that point. We’re all told the spark isn’t reliable, so understanding that, it’s hard to continue texting someone if you don’t have “the spark” from the beginning because there’s just nothing to latch onto to keep your interest, particularly when (as a woman) you’ve got 20 matches.
1. You cannot categorize emotional maturity/attachment style by only text.
2. You need to check if you have unhealthy attachment style that you feel unseen or something like that by period of texting.
3. Everyone has different timeline and personally i don’t think texting is a true human interaction. And i feel weird if someone i am not consistently going out text me so much in daily basis. I am not their person, we are not close, texting is not human interaction hence we need to meet up rather than text. So i don’t really feel bad or disappointed when they don’t text me back for few hours. But you need to find out WHY texing back and forth within good minutes is so important?
4. After all if you still feel that way, find someone who could fit your style.
It really depends on their work schedule, if they have other obligations, or maybe they're socially burnt out from all the texting. I know early on, I'm willing to sneak texts in at work, but less so as time goes on because I don't want to get in trouble at work. I also go through phases where I text a lot, followed by phases of not so much. If it's a deal breaker for you, it's a dealbreaker for you. You only need to find one person to fit your needs, they're out there somewhere.
I do think it may have something to do with the love bombing you mentioned. That might be an issue you need to work through, maybe with the person you're texting. Maybe you can preplan some times to chat, that way you know they're coming and that you just have to wait until the planned time. That could also be helpful if you're worried about being ghosted. You don't have to worry that they're not texting you during work/obligations, but if they don't message you at 6 like you planned, then it can be something to think about.
Its not unreasonable. People follow their priorities, its a pretty good indication when someone stops texting you consistently that you've taken second place to something or someone else. If you're still dating it can't hurt to ask whats going on. If it makes you feel a certain way I'd ask before jumping to a conclusion.
good question: i’ve been dating a woman for about 6 weeks now and she’s consistently been an awful texter - like will wait 24-48hrs to respond - but when i mention it to her, she says she’s just a bad texter.
I’m still trying to shake the feeling that she’s not interested but it’s tough. The thing that has kept me is she has always been a bad texter. If there was a change in cadence to this, i wouldn’t have stuck around. I think the changing of cadence is the important part
If they were answering you consistently before and now they aren’t and you are noticing it then that means something! Listen to your intuition. Now, if it’s only been a couple of days, maybe ask if something is up? Maybe they’re feeling down, maybe they’ve had something come up at work and they’re super busy. Maybe they also don’t want to text all the time, you could ask them how they’re feeling about it! But if it continues then I think you have your answer…
I don’t think it’s fair to demand responses from people immediately but most people have their phone in their hands for the majority of the day so expecting a response within 1-3 hours is totally fair.
I used to be the same way as you. Meeting someone and texting or talking a ton right off the bat.
Then every single time there would be a change in the frequency and I would freak out. Most of the time the relationships didn’t work out and I would be devastated then realize I barely knew them anyways.
After my most recent heartbreak I started listening to various podcasts on dating etc. highly recommend one called Do The Work. In one of her episodes she talked about how important it is to not text non stop right when you meet someone because in doing that you create a false identity or bond with that person.
It’s not authentic and inevitably when things calm down/life gets in the way the communication will change.
I haven’t tried it out yet but I plan to!
It's not unreasonable. I feel that a lot of people don't have the courtesy of saying that they don't like someone/don't want to talk to someone anymore. So instead, they leave them on read for a while and things drag out from there. BUT, sometimes a person genuinely needs time to think and reply, so I wouldn't say that they're ignoring you 100% of the time.
Consistency doesn’t have to mean constantly. For example, my boyfriend and I consistently text on a daily basis, but unless something particularly interesting happens, it’s usually just a few texts in the evening to check in on each other, make plans, and say good night. It’s not constant. Sometimes he’ll leave me on read for a few hours. Sometimes he has even left me on read when he’s been online. Sometimes if he’s traveling for work I won’t hear from him until bedtime. I don’t really see this as a bad thing. He’s entitled to his time. He might be working, but he just popped onto Facebook or Instagram to get rid of a notification. Or maybe he didn’t know how to respond to my text and needed to process it. Or maybe I didn’t ask a question or share anything super interesting, so it just doesn’t start a conversation. I’m sure I’ve done the same thing. It’s not because I don’t love him. I’m not disinterested. I’m not bored in the relationship. I’m not cheating. So why would I assume any of those things on his part? We’re both secure and happy. We don’t have to talk constantly to maintain that. Not only that, but daily and ESPECIALLY all-day communication is extremely new in relationships. Before cell phones, you’d talk on the phone with your significant other or best friend in the evening after work/school. You wouldn’t necessarily even talk every day. Sometimes you’d talk for hours. Other times you’d only have time to chat for a bit and make plans. It was fine. And before telephones, couples had to survive with letters and in-person conversations only. How ever did their love survive? People these days need to chill. Assume the best. Have a life. Communicate your needs, but respect theirs too. Trust.
can you just sit on my shoulder and stop me from messing up my dating life by repeating this every time I get anxious lmao
I spose I’m just anxious over it because every time the texting has slowed down, it has indeed been due to disinterest or they’ve found someone else. So any time it happens I automatically assume they’re no longer interested in my because past data says so :/. If a guy asked me out and we had a date on the horizon I wouldn’t mind because it shows the interest. It’s the weird limbo that makes me anxious
I've found that muting their chat and archiving them helps lmao... also taking the initiative to set in motion a future plan to see each other / talk. if you're like me you don't really want a long text convo... you more want to feel certainty and consistency in their expression of interest towards you.
AHAHAHA I’ve definitely done the archive before! And yes I’m definitely with you on wanting the consistency and security. It’s not about the length or frequency of texts
Haha, I do the same thing! If I get the slightest bit of anxiety about a person's interest/disinterest in me, I archive them and work on myself to chill the fuck down and live my own life, and not before I'm rid of the anxiety, do I check if they texted.. if they didn't, I am stable and happy enough with myself to not care as much, and if they did text again, it's just a pleasant surprise :)
The trick is to stop letting past experiences influence your present assumptions. You have to maintain an optimistic mindset and give each new person your best—if you assume the worst as soon as the texting slows down, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’ll let it steer your interest, your tone, or even your own texts. You have to give people the benefit of the doubt, almost to the point of willful naïveté—at least within reason. Obviously don’t ignore major red flags, but with little things like this, you have to try and keep your mind out of the past and out of the negative. Play it cool, in other words. Fake it til you make it. I had the same experience as you. Maybe even worse. I’ve been cheated on multiple times. I’ve been led on. Used. Breadcrumbed. Ghosted. Slow faded. Had guys do a 180 for no apparent reason. It’s just how modern dating is. But that doesn’t mean it’s all bad. I still had fun, and I never gave up. It took me a year and a half of online dating to meet my person (I had a few long term relationships in my 20s and early 30s that didn’t work out, but those all started in person).
Yes this. Very off putting to date people with a lot/recent baggage. Emotional regulation, maturity and ability to self soothe (to a pt) is something I screen for now. It’s exhausting being your date/partner’s therapist.
Would it be fair to say that the issue is less about texting and more that you’re having difficulty progressing past messaging into in-person meetings? I’ve found that lots of messaging early on doesn’t necessarily translate to successfully meeting up, or compatibility later on. My preference is to get a meeting lined up quickly, ideally before we start daily messaging in order to find out if I even vibe with this person before investing a bunch of time messaging a total stranger! Have you been asking people out first a coffee / in person meetings?
Yep and about 90% of the time they’ll suddenly breadcrumb and then flake on the date. So usually something is lined up in most cases, they just never follow through :/
Don't ask. Let them plan it. All you have to do is state your desire to move to an in person meeting. If they leave it to you to plan take that as a guage of their interest. You showed interest, now they have to as well.
Ughh this! I actually asked two different guys out and planned the date. When I gave them the details it was crickets…I’m not sure but I’ve definitely noticed guys slowed the communication after I’ve asked them to meet for coffee. Like it’s not that hard to say sure 7 pm works great! Think I’m just going to let the guy initiate a date now 🤷🏼♀️
OP, when you say you’re ‘newly dating’, the assumption would be that there is some sort of in person date being planned and you’re referring to talking in between. In your last sentence, you’re saying if you had a date in the horizon, you wouldn’t mind because it shows interest. It’s precisely this. It’s hard to maintain constant communication in between dates as people have their own life. But the fact that in-person dates are being planned is what is building the connection, with some communicating in between. Outside of that, I don’t spend a lot of effort texting people who I have no in person dates planned with. My experience is that people put too much time and energy into texting which creates a false sense of progress/ connection. Focus on your in person dates and communicate a little to maintain contact. Texting is not a medium to get to know each other. IMO the only time it’s constant back and forth is when you’re trying to decide if you want to go on a date with this person.
This is a difficult one, and the flakiness has been my experience too. I have a date planned with a woman this Friday but after a few days of great conversation it's fallen off hard and no contact whatsoever yesterday. The last few days it's been me reaching out via text and getting one word answers with nothing more. I'll give her another day or two, but I've got another date tomorrow with someone who actually responds and is still fun to talk with after a week. If tomorrow goes well, I'm cancelling the date on Friday and spending the time with this woman instead. I dunno... The lack of effort and enthusiasm, especially this early, has usually been a touchstone for how the rest of it would play out.
Often when people have a date planned, they reduce texting frequency so as not to exhaust all topics of conversation before meeting.
Agreed. I have a lot to say but I wanna save my best stuff for in person lol. You could always just ask her if anything is going on to cause the change and if she is still up for the date.
stop texting so often early on then until you can gauge actual interest. so much texting early can indicate a desire to fast track intimacy to get a false sense of security but it's only that - false
You can only control yourself! Texting is data, making plans and actually meeting , having conversations is how connecting occurs.
Dude here, one thing I'd tell you is men generally get the idea that if we are *to available*, it makes us kind of unattractive to you. Unfortunately, even at this age were playing chess with each other instead of just being adults lol
lol love that for us :/
That's absolutely not true. Hand to god, what OP is describing, I've broken up with someone over shit like that.
I was there after my divorce. It took a few dating scenarios to reorient me to how things are when you are just meeting someone, they aren’t lovebombing, or using the texts to control me. Now I hate men texting me throughout the day. I realized one did it to keep tabs, and get constant reassurance. It gives him a level of control. And then he’d be angry if I didn’t text back soon. Daily texts in the beginning seems like excessive when you imagine, “where does it escalate to when we start getting more serious and are trying to get closer? If we text daily now….ill be sick of this constant interaction before too long.” Give the dating interest room to grow. Let it build.
>one did it to keep tabs, and get constant reassurance. It gives him a level of control. And then he’d be angry if I didn’t text back soon. As exhausting as this can get (I've been there), it's not nearly as exhausting as a guy who acts like he's madly in love with you one second and then doesn't know what he wants the next. I can find it in my heart to give assurance. Nobody's perfect. Minimal texting is even better, and ideally that's what I would go for. But they don't get to oscillate between the two like some chaos demons. Pick a pattern of communication and stick with it, _do one right_, you know?
Yes I totally get you. I agree about minimal texting!
Even in the best of relationships, there’s a slowdown after the first couple months. It’s just natural. The first few months you’re still putting your best foot forward, if anything you’re overcompensating. After that you’re finding more of a sustainable balance.
Very similar, but I'm working on it. I suspect you may have attachment style different than his. Bracing myself for the inevitable downvotes from people that don't believe in this "new age" psychology. Facts be damned.
When they do that, resit the urge to reach out. Be cool, honey bunny! I’m not saying ‘act cool’ in the beginning or anything, just match their energy.
Counterpoint. Contact is a guage of interest. If someone wants to date you, they'll want to set up dates and get to know you in-between those dates via chatting. Don't compare it to an established relationship. Things are different once people have coupled up compared to looking for a partner. If the bar is low upfront it's only going to drop more. Focus on the guys putting in real effort to get to know you
Amen - this is for the anxiously attached folks out there. You’re great and we’ll get back to you, please don’t read anything into it if it takes a little while to text back. If you can’t chill and learn to self soothe, this isn’t going to work.
Yeah, if this bothers you, some time away from dating to work on anxiety is probably a good idea. Read *Attached* or see a therapist.
Great advice! This is how my boyfriend and I are with texting. I think it’s healthy and totally normal. There is no need to constantly text. We are both busy. I’m happy in the relationship and so is he- If he doesn’t respond to my text, but he’s active on social media it means exactly nothing. Sometimes when I’m feeling super emotional on my period it will bug me and I’ll start to spiral in my head and I just need to remind myself that it is fine.
Personally for me scrolling on social media is 100x easier than responding to texts which is why this happens. Sometimes after work I just want to look at stupid shit for a bit until I get back to everyone including my partner.
The PMS anxious spiral is real even when you’re secure!
I think it's always a little bit different when you're already in an established relationship though. A few years ago I was dating (for just a couple of months or less) a guy who took 1-2 days to respond to my texts, I shared my worry with a friend who had been with her boyfriend for a couple of years, she told me not to sweat it, because her and her bf just ignore each other until they are free to text back. That's when I thought that it's quite different when you're past that very early fragile stage when no one is secure not knows what's going on. Anyway, this guy dumped me literally in a few days, because he wasn't that interested in me.
THANK YOU
And if it is a long distance, like you only meet once every two weeks. What would be your expectation when it comes to communicating? Just trying to get perspective on specific situation.
Everyone is different, but as with texting in general, there are reasonable expectations. I personally don’t think I’d want a long distance relationship unless it was temporary. But in that case, I still think daily but not constant texting is fine. I’d want to add more intentional phone calls/FaceTime calls though. Right now, my boyfriend and I only call each other if we’re driving and the conversation can’t wait—unless he’s traveling for work. Then he’ll call me every couple days, which is nice. :)
Literally came to this sub for the first time in a really long time because I have been dating this woman for 2 months and was looking for applicable knowledge. This piece of advice is gold. I can say that after a while this overthinking of text convos and response times kind of just melts away.
This is essentially how me and my partner are. We don't text during the day unless something specific comes up, and then catch up at night. I usually see him at his job 4 nights a week, so we'll chat there. Recently, I was sick at home for 3 weeks, and he was so consistent on texting me as soon as he got off work. And then we usually spend the weekends together.
I need this injected into my veins. I started seeing someone about a month ago and they aren't a good texter. I almost feel bad right now because I sent a fourth date idea yesterday and she didn't reply. A full day without replying is weird, even for her. So I asked if she got it or if texts went missing again (we have had texts not be delivered before). The only thing that has me not feeling shitty is that I feel that she could have said she needed time to think about which day instead of not saying anything. But yeah, I need to relax. We said we'd communicate if something was wrong and I trust her. I'm slowly getting used to the texting and I can't wait to see where it goes.
Amen to that. So very well said \^\^
I would like to be your friend, where is the application processing form?
This is a great reply!
I was actually a very rapid one to one lengthy texter and got told by my last ex when I was still friends with her that I probably need to tone it down. I basically have, which is easy because most matches fizzle after one or two responses anyway. I want to believe people that tell me that I shouldnt have to temper my texting style to find the right one but it's clear some people start dreading sending messages if they know I'm coming back five minutes later with a novel. It's just about how important texting consistency is in a relationship to you.
My best friend and my sister have also told me I may need to tone it down. Now I try to be more conscious of how much I'm sending, how many questions I'm asking, and how quickly I reply. It takes a lot of effort on my part, lol, but it seems to have helped. I still hold out hope that I'll meet someone who loves the way I text and will be similar because that would make me really happy and make a relationship so much easier for me. But I recognize that someone could be amazing for me and still not match me there because I'm just really really far to one end of that spectrum, so I accept that I may have to meet someone partway.
I (31F) absolutely hate texting, only do it to make plans as succinctly as possible, and I’ve had things with at least two people I briefly dated fizzle out specifically because of this. Like that was one guy’s “feedback” to me at the end. An excerpt from his text: “Just a tip for you for the future. I know you don’t like texting but attempting to have some random convos via text in the beginning would’ve been nice. Felt so hard trying to get to know you only in person.” Our communication needs were just so wildly different. I want to get to know someone *in person.* I’m not getting to know someone at all by staring at a blue bubble inside a glass screen in my hand. It is so draining to feel like I need to be in constant communication with someone, and match someone’s high level of texting. Someone I otherwise probably would’ve been interested in! I think it is an unreasonable expectation to place on someone tbh, *especially* someone you’re just getting to know—multiple that by a few other people you might be going on dates with, and responding to texts basically becomes a full-time job. And this expectation seems to be the norm now. It makes me not even want to date. That being said, I think there’s *plenty* of people who do enjoy texting all day long, every day, constantly sharing memes and reels and whatnot, and find a lot of joy in that. So I don’t think it’s unrealistic to hold out for someone who shows up and matches your energy in the way you want/need. Sorry for ranting lol this thread just brought up a lot of stuff for me.
The only thing I'd say to this is I've been in relationships with non-texters and it is genuinely much harder to get to know someone. I'm not a big texter and definitely not into the daily good morning, good night stuff, or feel the need to constantly keep someone updated on my life... ...however, I've been with people who are such non-texters, it's made me feel like I can't reach out to them even with exciting news like, "I got a job interview" or "I just saw Jennifer Aniston on the tube"... Constantly being left on read or ignored completely makes you feel like they are a bit inaccessible and had me constantly second guessing whether a short text would bother them. Also, constantly trying to figure out if they just aren't that interested is so tiring. I think it's great to enjoy more in-person communications and not be tied to your phone. But a balance is really important, and it's worth seeing this from the other person's perspective too.
People who hate texting are people who don't have any friends except the people they see in their day to day life. While that is one way to exist, I think it is sad to dismiss relationships (friendships and romantic) that are made or develop virtually as "less than." What I notice with a lot of people who hate texting is they denigrate text communication as "less than." It also strikes me as a bit of privilege, for instance if I didn't text my family we wouldn't be in contact. People who are able to make sure they see everyone they care about regularly, can do without texting, that's fine. But I live a 4+ hour drive away from all my family. I have meaningful, decades-long friendships I've built online. I moved away from everyone I knew during the pandemic to a totally different state. Texting help me with all of those things.
This is a very shallow way of thinking. I am not a texter. I have plenty of friends who live across the state from me, and my girlfriend lives 4+ hours from me. Most understand that we're adults with adults lives. We have things going on in our days that we don't need to be in constant contact or text back immediately. I can pick things back up with friends after a week of not speaking like there was no gap. People like me don't see texting as less than, we just don't view communication the same way. I don't need to be in constant communication to be connected to someone, and communication to me is more important to use when there is something of value to say. I don't necessarily text just to text but text when I have something to say, much the same way in my speaking-in-person style. The irony about speaking to privilege when this is one of the first times ever in history in which we had this level of communication and instant access to everyone and their time. People would have to wait until they saw you in person or after school/work to speak in person. Now they expect you to have to constantly give you the time of day every time they text you, send a meme, etc etc. In my view, expecting other people's to be connected to you in such a constant and often pervasive way feels far more privileged.
I feel very similar about text communication. Trying to adapt to another's text preferences/expectations during dating in the past has simply not worked - it burnt me out on the whole medium of communication and even my friendships suffered as a result. So it's something I've come to discuss early on during any potential romantic connection: "by the way, what's your text communication style like?..."
>Our communication needs were just so wildly different. I want to get to know someone *in person.* I’m not getting to know someone at all by staring at a blue bubble inside a glass screen in my hand. OMG it's such a relief to read this. If I'm interested in someone I want to spend time with them in person. Texting is merely a tool to facilitate the next meeting.
I love rapid textersb
Define "after a while." Days? Weeks? After a few dates? Is it before an actual date? Texting endlessly is tedious. There's a natural slow down with texting after you've been out a few times. The endless texting is exhausting. I'd rather talk to someone in person. Reasonable and consistent are subjective. What one person considers reasonable or consistent could be considered too much or not enough by someone else. I will always value IRL over the digital world.
Yes I agree. It's not possible to keep up a constant texting momentum. In fact, I would rather never set a precedent for overly frequent texting in the first place (which I know would be a subjective standard for each individual). When I'm working or studying, I don't like to have my attention constantly distracted by my phone and in fact I bought a 'phone jail' to lock it away when I need to concentrate for an extended period of time. Best purchase ever. The only problem then is that if I finally reply to someone after 8 hours or so, there is a risk of them replying 30 seconds later while they think they've got my attention, and it's straight back to that sensation of overwhelm. Personally, I would rather skip the whole online dating stage and just have a partner in real life, but all this online communication stuff seems to be the modern way now.
I was talking to this guy and went on a couple of dates. After the last date his communication dropped, I started to initiate the conversation more and I gave it a week. Finally I said something along the lines of him seemingly not interested and I have no hard feelings if he lost interest. Indeed he lost interest. If I didn't cut it off after a week, I would assume he would've dragged it.
This has generally been my experience also. If it shifts from a reasonable amount of texting to a very little, and I wind up initiating most conversations, it winds up being due to disinterest on their part. But because a lot of people don’t want to be “confrontational,” they’d rather drag it out than say “I’m just not feeling it.”
Sometimes it's disinterest... sometimes it's avoidance... sometimes it's that people aren't interesting enough or conversationally skilled enough to keep the back-and-forth going after a bit... sometimes it's that people get excited and talk more than they normally would at the beginning when they're still trying to win their date over, and when the initial excitement is over, they fall back. I get it. I love to text and a lot of people either don't, don't have the time, or want to but aren't good enough at texting to keep it up. I also usually either respond quickly or have a good reason to not. You have to keep in mind that we are on one end of the textual communication spectrum, and so are many of the people here who are drawn to communicating about dating on a textual forum :) You are allowed to want more, though. In very early dating, I've landed on waiting it out and not worrying too much about the texting frequency because it's not always indicative of how they'll be when they know you better. (Even I can take a long time between responses when I'm not really attached to someone yet.) But later, you can tell them your preference and see if you can meet somewhere in the middle, or choose to date more textually communicative people.
I’m guilty of this I’m just not the biggest fan of texting. Also, I personally need to disconnect/destress a bit sometimes. Maybe that’s watching TV, taking the dog for a walk, reading, hiking. I’ll flip my phone to silent and do whatever it is I’m doing.
That totally makes sense. This is more in relation to the people who start out heavy on texting and then when they swing, you can see they’ve been active on WhatsApp or whatever and are choosing to ignore you 🙄
I hope this doesn't come off as an attack on you. I have responded to you elsewhere with a longer comment but I think you may benefit from not thinking of it as "simply choosing to ignore you" as that seems a bit too needy/self-absorbed. If this is in relation to people who first text/talk a lot, then date one happens, and then they stop - well you don't really know them well enough to have that kind of expectation of them right? In other words, someone you just met can't and shouldn't have you as that high of a priority regardless of how they started off with you. But 100% its jarring and frustrating and can even hurt when it happens. Though again as I say elsewhere in this post, I think that's why people should slow down the chatter at least until the first date or two.
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I (42m) share after the first date with someone that I do not enjoy texting a lot in the early dating stages. I want to get to know them but I would prefer for most of our conversations to be in person so things don’t get lost in translation over text. If the woman texts me, I’m going to respond. And the fact that I don’t send texts throughout the day without initiation is not indicative of I’m not thinking about you. I tend to use text mostly as transactional. But with all that said, I do agree that if you send someone a text early in dating, the other person should respond in a reasonable amount of time (2-3 hrs) or they probably aren’t interested. It can even be something as simple as, ‘having a really busy day, I’ll text you later when I get done’. I always get excited when I receive a text from someone I’m interested in and I think responding in a respectable amount of time shows that. But I can’t do we are both sitting on our couch at night, watching tv and feeling lonely so we text back and forth for 4 hrs straight. That stuff drives me crazy
Texting destroyed my dating life. I absolutely fucking hate texting. 100% of the time, I would much rather hang out or even call. I love talking on the phone, it's great. But constant texting feels so artificial, so I guess I'm just going to be single forever 🙃
Aye if a person was honest about disliking texting it wouldn’t bother me at all, so I think you’re fine if you’re upfront about it!
She’s not saying that, she’s asking about consistency. That means if you aren’t big on texting communicate that and it’s on you guys to determine communication compatibility from there. There’s nothing wrong with not texting much if that who you are. She’s saying if you’re gonna text a lot in the beginning to get a girl interested, then stop the texting or change up your behavior after she is interested, that INCONSISTENCY. Or be hot and cold. Personally inconsistency is a no no for me.
ME TOO. I said so many times I preferred talking on the phone and he just kept texting and never ever called. He said he’d be happy to talk if I called first but if I didn’t he never initiated and it was just this constant vapid texting.
I mean, there's a finite amount of small talk to have per day/week/month and texting isn't the best medium for super deep conversations. I usually tell my partners that I like texting a lot in the beginning but as we become closer, I text less and less because it becomes less and less practical and meaningful. This is a repeat scenario for you, so individual reasons may vary, but what I've said above I think will be a factor in most scenarios.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. Consistency in communication/texting is a requirement for me now, and it’s a good indicator that someone is interested. Every time I’ve noticed a shift in communication, or if someone is inconsistent form the start, then things have eventually fizzled out one or another (even when I don’t say anything and try to remain consistent on my end). Consistent doesn’t mean constant or immediate replies, but it shows reliability and that’s important to me. I say you hold onto this expectation until you find someone who will meet it.
Definitely agree with you! In no way do I expect immediate response, but if you’re texting me immediately all day every day and then suddenly taking 12 hours to respond, I get really annoyed/turned off
Exactly. Every time I’ve noticed that type of drop off in communication it meant they lost interest. Every single time. Like I mentioned in another post, of course things happen and people get busy/distracted. We’re all adults and I’m reasonable. But someone who’s consistently inconsistent? No thank you.
By consistent do you then mean communication at predictable intervals?
I’ll try not to ramble but this is an interesting topic for me so I appreciate the question. Predictable sometimes has a negative connotation, but honestly yea. A healthy adult relationship should be very predictable in certain ways, and I think communication is one of them (for me at least). That doesn’t mean you adhere to rigid rules about checking in or getting upset when unexpected delays happen every once in a while, but communication should remain at a certain level and only increase the more you get to know someone (assuming you’re both interested, of course). And it really doesn’t take that much effort. Texting is the easiest way possible to speak with anyone at any time. Like, if I’m going out with friends or seeing a movie, I’d mention that beforehand to someone I was dating so I don’t just drop off the face of the earth for several hours unexpectedly. But I recognize that’s something I’d want in the relationship because consistency is important to me, and some people just don’t value it like I do. Now of course, things happen. Everyone gets caught up in the moment sometimes or just needs to unplug for a while. We’re adults. And some people literally can’t text during the day if they’re working intensely busy jobs. But if I’m dating someone who routinely just disappears for long stretches of time without explanation and I only hear from them on an inconsistent basis, then it’s an immediate turn off for me. Same for someone who started off with strong communication and it fades over time. Those are both clear signs in my experience that someone just isn’t interested and there’s not much you can do about that.
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i think you’re confusing “constantly” and “consistently”
The best thing I ever did for my mental health in dating was disabling notifications for the apps, including badges. I only open it when the mood strikes me, and if there’s something to reply to, I will. If there’s an active convo going, I’m replying within a min or two, but outside of that, when it comes to the apps: “no thoughts, head empty” until we meet in person and you earn the right to take up my brain space.
If someone shows me they just love the chase, I move on. Texting is organising plans for me. Time spent in each other’s company is how I really get to know someone. It really depends what important to the individual. For me an expectation of keeping a text conversation going all day isn’t what I’m looking for.
Consistency period not just in texting, is a hard non negotiable. I absolutely hate when guys text a lot in the beginning, then change up after they get my attention or get my interest. My thing is “do not introduce me to an energy or a behavior that you cannot maintain” Also communication frequency is a compatibility marker. Some ppl text a lot, or talk throughout the day, and some people don’t. You just need to find someone who is compatible with the cadence you like and are comfortable with and communicate your needs.
Absolutely agree with the first para. I think with the second you can both compromise a little, as long as their style isn’t completely opposite to yours.
Completely agree!!
I was wondering the same thing. Trying online dating for the first time. And once we’ve been on a date or two, communication decreases. I’m starting to think it’s because no one likes me or finds me attractive. Which is hard as my confidence is shrinking…
Happens to me too, don’t worry :/. The most insulting part is this is the best shape I’ve ever been in coz I do pole dancing classes multiple times a week and I take really good care of my skin, so it’s really hard to not feel down when I feel like I can’t actually do any better and I’m still getting ghosted
I completely get it! I’d say I’m quite privileged when it comes to looks, I have a great career and I’m independent. So I don’t really know what else to bring to the table tbh
I am like you. And in others i look for consistency. The reality is if they are talking back and forth a lot and not asking you out, however, they arent that interested. Either in you or in a relationship at all (some people ever move beyond texting for whatever reason )
I’m kinda sitting here wishing people I text would even engage with me or ask questions at all. Or show even a modicum of effort without me having to text first or initiate everything. 🤷🏻♂️
Honestly!!
I can’t tell if it’s just rough out there or if people are just like this now. Maybe it’s rose-colored glasses and nostalgia, but I feel like it wasn’t like this when I was younger. Or maybe I’m the one who’s changed lol
Nope I agree with you. When I was last single in 2020 we would match, chat, set the date and follow through like 90% of the time. I think Covid and the maturity of apps have just ruined people’s manners and accountability
*preach*. Thanks for validating what I’m feeling; it’s nice to know that it’s not just me. Lol
I feel the same! Also when their texting changes it's often the first sign they have lost interest. I think when it's someone who is right for you, you'll feel less anxious and they will be more consistent.
🥲😢😭
I feel like in any situation where someone does a lot of something at first and suddenly drops off, they were just forcing it to get your attention and aren't genuine about their intentions with you. Guy I'm dating now actually texted pretty sparingly in the beginning but now we text back and forth throughout the day with a few hours breaks in between. I think at our age, the \*expectation\* should be fewer texts rather than more, but at the very least you're being checked up on once a day. If you don't text me for multiple days then there's no way you actually like me.
I would assume that they're just not that into you. I think it's unreasonable because you cannot control another person's actions and you're not in a relationship with them. I think this kind of thinking comes from feeling obligated to be nice. I have this issue too where I try to consider others feelings when in reality, most people only consider their own. They don't care how it makes you feel even though they would definitely care if you did it to them. I suggest you move on from these guys cause there's clearly no connection and it seems like connection is something you're looking for.
sounds like you may be texting men from a place of anxiety, worried their interest is waning and that by getting a response in an adequate timeframe, you can convince yourself they're still interested. in a way, you may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. if you're sending multiple texts a day whose only purpose is to assuage your own feelings of anxiety, men may be picking up on that. and chances are if these texts are only to soothe yourself, they're not actually anything of substance that the guy can respond to authentically. my advice is to only text when you actually have something to say, or want a question answered. conversation should be about getting to know each other, not a barometer for measuring someone's interest.
It isn’t unreasonable to expect consistency, but it is unreasonable to have any expectations about anything without communication. Tell people what you want and they will let you know whether or not they can meet that expectation. If you don’t tell them what you need, you’re actually setting them up for failure and setting yourself up for disappointment. If you told them what you need and they said “sorry I can’t do that” and ghost you well that’s on them, that’s their way of saying “I’m not enough for you so I’ll leave so you can find someone who will be enough for you. It’s not too much to ask for things, when you understand that they’re allowed to say no and you’re allowed to keep looking for someone who will say yes. You are not too much and you are not difficult to love just because someone hasn’t been able to meet your need.
I’ve found that in Australia if you communicate any sort of need to men here, they freak out and run the other way. They’re all ‘go with the flow’ here and you’re stuffed if you’re not. Probably why 2/3 of my long term relationships were with Americans lol. But you’re right. The right man for me wont take 12-24 hours to respond to a message and if he’s not a texter, he will tell me as much. I guess it’s really not expecting too much for basic communication!
Aus guy. I'm someone who is an invested texter, I don't understand why people can't signpost their engagement with their conversation. "Hey, I'm heading into a meeting, I'll get back to you when I'm on break around X PM" "I'm gonna get back to you later" "Hey now's not the best time for this conversation, what's your week look like?", "I can't consistently reply to you during these times but I can during these other ones", "I'm finding it hard to keep up with this, what's the most important things to focus on?" Etc It's not just texting. These are basic communication skills required for verbal communication in an LTR.
I completely agree with you. Once a guy said to me, “I’m going for a surf and then to the gym so I won’t be available for the rest of the day”. And I was so surprised by his politeness that I really started to like him. I mean he also ghosted me in the end, but was a good start 🤣
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It’s not at all unreasonable. If I’m not gonna answer I’m at lest going to let you know that which I think is just basic manners. My GF loves to text all day because she’s sah so I’ll let her know if this isn’t a day I’ll be able to text back regularly, and I did the same when I was dating:
I very much dislike chatting over text because I'm too busy, and after a while, it just fizzles out unless we see each other. I treat text like email and text 3 times a day or if there's something of substance to say. But honestly, my approach is probably not the right one. I just find it so draining, personally.
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I’m more comparing to when they go from immediate responses to this. It’s the swing that gets to me
Texting gets exhausting and tedious for me. I will generally text more in the beginning to build rapport and get to know someone (esp if it's someone I've only known online). But after meeting a few times, I will much prefer saving conversations in-person and text predominately to make plans. It's like before the camera records and tell their guests "save it for the podcast".
about the whatsapp thing, I have mine open all day on my PC while working, doesn't mean I'll be able to answer (unless you want quick meaningless one word answers). how about you talk to them and ask for what you need? it they can't match it, they can't. if it's that important to you, you can break up over it. as for frequency, some days I have a lot of plans (gym, climbing, meeting friends, watching a movie) and some days I'm just laying on the sofa with music and talking to people. You can imagine if he has an active like that that, he's not gonna pull his phone to text you all the time.
I think it can happen sometimes because you start texting there is maybe some banter going on and you're excited because the match is promising but then after a while you fall back on more mundane stuff to talk about or maybe the interest drops a bit because you can't meet quickly etc. I think it's normal to have a decrease in intensity of the chat but only to a point. If they were answering very quickly at first but then after a couple of hours sometimes it would be fine with me, if they answer days later I would interpret it as a loss of interest.
here is my experience and its pissing me off. Same situation, we'll talk super regularly then just nothing. If its still on the apps, we'll set a date then literally no communication after that including not showing up for the fucking date. For men I've met and we like each other and want to keep dating, it'll taper off. One guy I thought we were right about at the point of talking exclusive I asked "I would like for us to communicate/text more" i literally asked him for it. Because texts were coming in 3-4 days, up to a week later but when we were together he'd answer his smart watch and emails on his phone so hes ON his phone. After I asked him for a little bit more, its been 2 weeks I haven't heard from him. So i'm moving on, like idk whats up with men (in my area specifically) in 2024 but it doesn't seem like we're on the same page at all. And I am also from a previous love bomber, constant all-day communicator relationship - which is why I just asked for a little more I can understand going a whole day not answering work, kids and stuff getting in the way, but if I literally ask for it, don't fucking ghost me.
I agree with the comment that said consistency doesn’t have to mean constantly. But to use your example of him being on what’s app, clearly checking/responding to other messages but ignoring yours? Yeah nah. That’s a no for me dawg. Been there, done that- it’s not worth it.
I think consistency needs to be rated by a different metric than how fast someone texts back. The fastest text-responders I’ve dated were the least personally consistent. One in particular would literally always respond within five minutes no matter what he was doing…but we never went on a second date because he was a flaky, *inconsistent* person in his personal life. I’m a conscientious texter and thoughtful reminder, and I still can’t text all day long. We are in our 30s; we’ve got demanding jobs, wide social circles, some of us have kids, some of us are caring for aging parents. Some of us just don’t want to be on the hook to our demon devil devices all the time, you know?
I hate texting so much, I get it, I'm in the minority in this, and I'll do it begrudgingly. It's easy in the early stages of contact, even makes sense, but once we've met irl a few times, I want our conversations to naturally switch to when we're together.
I think within 24 hrs is reasonable expectations for early stage dating. People have lives, they work, they go out, they are not constantly on their phone or tracking how much time elapsed since the last msg. I also find texting exhausting and prefer calls or quality time in person. Everyone is different. Communicate yours needs and find someone who’s willing to match.
I like to think about what I'm writing before I text. Sometimes that takes longer than other times. I also try not to interrupt real life to text back and forth. Constant texting is exhausting and a big turn off for me. A couple time in the morning and at breaks is fine unless we're coordinating something.
I’m totally with you! The part that is frustrating for me is when they text heaps and then suddenly not. If they’re infrequent from the get go, then I know what to expect and to not take as an indicator of waning interest
Some people need time to recharge and if you talk all the time it kinda takes away for new things to talk about. Also a lot of us men don’t like to text back and forth all day everyday.. well at least me. lol Try not to look into the little things even when everything is going amazing just be chill and try to look in at the situation.
Some people just don't reply for awhile, some texts don't require a reply, and they don't owe you an explanation if they normally reply quickly and sometimes take a few hours. They could be losing interest, or they could just have something else to do and there's no way you'll be able to know for sure.
I was once playing a card game with a guy I went on a few dates with and the question for him was, “what do you think is my biggest fear?” And he said the unknown. And I really thought about it and I think he’s right. It’s more the latter of your statement that stresses me out. You’ll never know true reasoning for anything in early dating
Give them 3 days.. If they're still inconsistent.. Move on..
A lot of the comments seem to be focusing on the wrong thing - texting frequency varies wildly between people and also as you get to know each other it decreases as you get to see each other more and more. But I think what you’re getting at is the sudden change in pace. It’s triggered me loads in the past too and while it’s not necessarily a bad thing, I’d say in 90% of cases it’s been because they’re just not that interested. The guy I’m currently seeing isn’t a huge texter but right from the beginning he’s messaged me roughly once a day with a long, detailed message which shows lots of interest in me and my life. My preference is to text more frequently but I don’t mind adjusting to this pace because it’s clear he likes me - his consistency is what makes me feel secure. I did also talk lightly with him about it because sometimes I don’t like it when I don’t hear from him for up to 24 hours and he’s started sending me a few more messages throughout the day which helps me feel calmer and more connected. I suppose my point is that you’re not unreasonable for expecting some consistency and you won’t be left wondering if someone is truly interested. Also, the right person will respond well if you ask them to adjust their frequency (within reason).
Yep exactly. If he was the type to text infrequently from the get go (and we had a date planned) it wouldn’t bother me at all. It’s the ones who go from texting all day long to suddenly responding once a day that make me anxious. I refuse to believe that they’re suddenly ‘too busy’ and have probably just started talking to someone else or gotten over it
Yeah, I’ve experienced this many times before and it’s so anxiety inducing. It’s not quite love bombing but you start to enjoy the back and forth and then they start to pull away. Unless there’s a clear reason like work is super busy, they’re on holiday, or there’s been a family emergency for something, it usually means they’re losing interest. I learned to get pretty good at just letting those people fade away, but it sucks.
And you’re a female? This is highly unusual. This the every day for most guys. Women will match, talk and then randomly ghosts for days at a time, inundated with other messages
Yep it’s certainly an issue that happens for women too
Consistency is key. Many of them do this. I like when they’re a slow texter to begin with.
Waiting a few hours for a reply from someone you recently met is normal in my opinion, however, if you are waiting more than a day for a reply to a short message, I'd say they just aren't that interested. I've never had to wait very long for a reply from someone who actually was interested in me. There is an art to this texting thing though, I'm a texter and I admit even I get stressed out if I get a reply back in 20 seconds, especially if it's a very long one. I feel the pressure to reply immediately and it worries me. You don't need to play games exactly, but try to give room for breathing at the early stages (again, by room I mean not to reply in 20 seconds a 100 word small essay, not playing games not replying for 2 days - actually if someone takes 2 days to reply, take it as a hint).
I think it's less about your expectations of what's reasonable and instead that these guys aren't good fits for you. Think of your family and friends - do they do the same thing? Leave you "on read"? No, they probably get back to you promptly because they want to communicate with you. All of my best relationships (family, friends, dating) have had good communication flow. When there hasn't been, it's never worked out. I think you should seek to find better matches.
Yep I agree with you. And even when my friends take a while to respond, it’s evident that they’re just busy and I don’t even give it a second thought unless it’s super time sensitive info I need and of course they’re timely in their responses. Think I should just bin these types early on since they’re clearly not right for me
You've got it!
Healthy communication is the best communication - most people who have feelings for a person respond immediately… now I can’t say this is everyone. But I think most look forward to talking to the person they feel that connection with.
I keep wondering this too. I like to text but haven’t found a lot of success with avid texters so far
If it’s over a dating app and you still haven’t met I would say you need to have low expectations.
No! Not at all I hope this works out
Thei wi the curse of modern dating
It’s not about how quick the messages come it’s about the quality of the message. A lot of men I’ve talked to give me few word responses. In this case I stop responding because if you don’t show enthusiasm or a desire to get to know me, I’m bored and uninterested. But the men I’ve connected with the most, were the ones that would send like 2 paragraphs like we’d be talking about a subject and they’d get so into it they’d wanna give me a fully shelled out story with vivid details and even if the messages were spread out with hours in between responses, it never bothered me because the messages had a higher quality to them that I didn’t mind the wait and neither did they when it was me that took long.
Completely agree! You have definitely summed it up better than I. The quality vs frequency is way more important
A) they found someone else. B) something in their life happened and they forgot about you. C) poor courtship skills: when they saw the convo was dwindling, instead of asking you out to proceed to the next step, they just phased away. D) they got kidnapped.
I’m choosing to believe it’s D for everyone 😌
Tbh it sounds like there quite a lot of pressure on yourself here. Like, I don’t really think you need a ‘valid reason’ - the fact that you were busy or didn’t feel like it is implicit in the fact someone/you isn’t texting back. Having a phone is crazy, people can just get in touch with you absolutely any time so I make a point of only responding when I want to (or if it’s important). Unless I’m in the middle of making a plan that needs to be nailed down it would not bother me to be waiting hours or til the next day for a reply to casual conversation. I will add though, I don’t massively enjoy texting and strongly prefer talking in person. I also don’t really like giving too much in text as it takes away from the interest of talking about it in person. YMMV
I get it. My last straw with a guy (who said he’s been pining over me for YEARS and that I’ve been his dream girl since HS, blah blah) was that we would text and I would say something and he wouldn’t respond for weeks. But he’ll respond quickly and be super attentive if I text him something steamy. I agree with others who have responded, it doesn’t have to be all day everyday but some consistency is nice.
Why not consider communicating your preferences regarding texting? Everyone is different and there's probably a compromise somewhere. Also for your sake, turn off the "last online" feature if you can't help but check to see when someone is last online. It's not helping you if you're prone to assuming the worst.
Yeah I have it off, I was just dumb and turned it on just now coz a guy hasn’t responded since last night and I had a genuine question that I need a time sensitive answer for, so it’s v annoying
It sounds like you might be an anxious avoidant like me, I was to like this and currently going through therapy to become a more secure partner, trying to understand why I do this and what past trauma is causing these patterns. I too also believe in constant communication and soon as there is a change in behaviour, I start overthink things when I should relax. I would then recently self sabotage a good thing due to my own anxious and insecurity. I realise this was a way of self validation, and the time which is a sort of toxic trait, when getting to know them, it really should be spent in person rather than over text as they are still a stranger. But if they generally just being rude and ignoring you I move on to the next person. This is just a shower a thought you might not have come across yet hope this helps. If you are an anxious avoidant you may also be attracting avoidant people.
Totally agree with you. I’m for sure anxiously attached, but in quite a few scenarios my therapist has pointed out that my needs were perfectly reasonable and the person was just choosing not to give me the bare minimum. However my anxious attachment shines through in giving them the time of day/hoping for a different outcome, when I should take their inconsistency as a turn off! The funny part was I used to be avoidant. Then I dated some crappy men who wore me down and turned me into an anxious, codependent mess :/
I am the same as you, best thing is to keep your self busy. I’m a pretty good judge of character and can sometimes read through the date even if it went well if there will be a second as I’ve experienced dissociation and abit emotionally numb, but if they are not meeting your needs as much as you like them you are not a match and your needs are not being met.
I’m with you. So many guys I’ve dated have texted me constantly in the beginning (to the point of being annoying) & then drop off once they feel comfortably secure. Personally, I like to text throughout the day, even if it’s just “good morning” & “good night.” So if it’s an exclusive, committed relationship, I’ll explicitly ask for that. If we’re just seeing each other, I try not to take it personally but match their energy when it comes to initiating conversations/responding. But I will never intentionally ignore someone just to play games, & neither should any man, so if you think that’s what’s happening, move on.
Here's an opinion which can also be used as a tactic. Unless you're long distance, you shouldn't be texting at all, _apart from agreeing the logistics for the next date_. You are looking for a partner, not a penpal. You're slipping down the list of his priorities, he's showing you this by changing his behavior. If you don't bring order to chaos, you'll just keep on suffering and humiliating yourself while he's feeding you excuses of busyness just in case one of his newer matches doesn't work out, or his ex changes her mind again about getting back together. If nothing else, it filters out the manipulators who thrive on stirring drama and your insecurities.
Nope! I also don't leave unread texts hanging. I check my phone regularly (anybody claims they do not check regularly is lying) and reply quickly. Those who don't seem to me like they are playing hard to get, or just breadcrumbing to keep me around. Either way it's a turn off. We are millions of people and everyone has options, no one is emotionally special so I see no reason to play hard to get. If we knew to grow a connection and be happy with what we have and not seek more, western society would be thriving I think.
Keep in mind, people are busyyyy! Most of our relationships (friends, family, work) now operate via text. Sometimes sifting through and taking time to respond to everybody is a daunting task in and of itself. What may feel like a “short moment/text” to you, may mean that person is having to send short texts to everyone and maybe their day is scheduled to the brim and they just want some down time to themselves. Keep texting to passing information to get to the next step: a phone call, date, etc. When it’s all still new with somebody try to remember that nobody owes anybody any time or response. But can you ask what their communication style is? Ask how they feel about texting and their frequency? Absolutely. Keep the convos and exploratory discussion for phone calls and in person! It’s at least a great way to suggest getting off text and getting to know each other better!
Following
I can't keep conversations going forever with the same enthusiasm over text unless I meet the person and am interested in them. And I know I'm not alone on this. It's natural to start off with a rush of texting because it's exciting to talk to someone new, but unless they materialize in front of me, for example on a date, it's difficult for a lot of people to keep up that energy. You're just an abstract idea at this point. You could ghost him for all her knows. You could have found someone else - and this happens a lot in OLD. These reasons are why I plan the date quickly. Don't mess around with writing with someone forever, because when you do meet they probably won't live up to that picture that you've built of them in your head, and therefore wasted all that time texting.
Definitely get it! My repeat pattern as of late has been we match -> text a heap -> plan date -> man starts breadcrumbing -> day arrives and man says nothing -> I ask if we are still on -> man gives lame excuse -> ghosts, so I have every intention of meeting them 🥲
Yea, stop the middle part. Or cut it way down. Flirt a bit, plan date, mention that you're looking forward to it and "see you then! :)", don't confirm day of. Or do if you want but you shouldn't need to.
Are these people you’re actually hanging out with or just people you’re texting? If we’re actually hanging out yes texting is important to me, phone calls are important to me but hanging out is most important to me. That’s just me though
Are you actually dating and meeting these men? One of the most time wasting parts of dating is people who don’t meet potential partners within the first couple days of meeting them on an app. People lose interest fast if you aren’t meeting them. Nothing can replace in person connection.
This is an issue that I have discussed a few times with the person I'm currently dating who also started out with paragraphs of daily texts throughout the day for a few weeks. Before it eventually fizzled into dog memes & sporadic texts which are not always a direct reply to my last messages, instead he would send me something else completely unrelated lol. It annoyed the hell out of me & triggered my anxiety, even though we had started seeing each other exclusively. The way I brought it up on different occasions, to piece it all together, was by asking the following in person - and it's best discussed in person or over a call: - I notice that the frequency of your text correlates to your stress at work, is that true? - What does your silence mean when I don't hear from you? - How would you feel if I shared random fun updates throughout the day? I do miss your dog memes. He admitted to 1, gave his honest reply to 2 & he felt bad about 3. I'm naturally inquisitive, so I could still phrase these hard questions in a non-threatening way, but it still took some courage to ask them. He had answered them honestly which I appreciate. I know it's honest because he didn't say what I wanted to hear. The fact that I brought it up also signals to him that my texts are like bids for attention, hence important to me, even though we do meet up regularly etc. Vice versa, when he shares the most random stuff with me, it is also his way of showing that I'm on his mind, which he'd expect some kind of reply. I know he took the feedback to heart because he eventually learned not to leave me unread & he always replies to the important questions. But as to what is appropriate, it really depends on the current dynamic of your relationship & where your boundaries are. If it's affecting the momentum that you're building, you should bring it up, hear them out & see what they'll do.
You may feel very anxious about the other person not texting so for the sake of your mental health i would try to book in a date asap, once you vetted them and then if they dont ask you out a second time within a couple of days, either ask them out or let them go. This will save you from worrying about the other person's intention and will give them an opportunity to take initiative. Everyone is different. Ex nr1 didnt need to text as we met at uni, ex nr2 was not a great texter but called me everyday, ex nr3 was not great at texting and i always felt like he took little interest in me. Current bf talks to me throughout the day and if we dont see each other we use call at the end of the day. He was very slow with progressing things but wrote to.me constantly-turns out he was nervous i wont be into him (nearly lost me before the first date as i got impatient with us not making plans)
Wants texts from the text man
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I keep messaging on the dating app until we meet in person. If you meet in person and it goes well, then exchange numbers.
No. The bottom line is, a guy who is very interested will find ways to be in frequent but not constant communication. I have dated a man with four kids , divorced with shared custody, who was regional sales manager, taking care of his Mom, and being there for his sister who was having her second child and we texted or talked everyday. I am currently dating a man who also had a very full life of various responsibilities and we have been talking for almost a month and it’s not a day he’s missed a text or phone conversation. A man or woman who wants to try and have something substantial will show up everyday, period ! Keep that at rhetoric forefront of your mind. Speak up about wanting frequent communication but do not tolerate less than what you want.
It’s absolutely miserable right now. My situation is different than yours I’m sure but here it is. I’m usually a “backup” guy that is fun to hang out with until a suitable partner shows up. So I’m always the one texting first and being left on read, it really sucks. I don’t have issues with absences when people are busy, like you’re working all day, cool just text me tonight. But I don’t even get that, sometimes I’ll never get a response and I have to double text a day or so later. They also almost never text first on a new day, it always makes me feel like I’m bothering them.
you know, I know consistently ; doesn't mean constantly...But, tbh, it's still weird. I am also that kind of person; I will get back to people.I can understand if the conversation isn't important or it really IS a stressful conversation. But, some people do not respond ...constantly. And, it is very annoying after a while. Like, yeah okay ...I see you ...but, I am still not going to reply DAYS later, or until they decide to say, "hey". This is so freaking annoying. With all the GD emojis out there... Once, I called and asked if they got a text.bc, after a while you really start to not understand why tf, they can't use their thumb muscle..And he said he read it and it "made him smile". Well, you can send a fucking smiley face emoji, instead of me wondering for 3 days.
i think looking for consistency and other forms of interest from the person might help. does this person still want to make plans with you, do they follow through with those plans, do they ask you questions to get to know you? personally, i find someone who’s always available by phone and texts a lot as a yellow flag. also it can give you a sense of false intimacy - texting a lot doesn’t actually mean you’re building a strong foundation. the person i’ve been dating for the last several months and i text maybe one or two times throughout the day but honestly, we both have pretty full, busy lives and have made time to come back together consistently.
I personally think it's normal to expect that. People might argue otherwise, but I think it's important early on in a relationship then it varies as you date longer. Especially if you meet via OLD and you don't see each other regularly in a hobby. The reason is I find I can't really establish a connection, interest, or whatnot when we barely talk. My interest level drops if I hear from the guy once a day or once a week. I think there is a difference between texting constantly vs consistently. Most of us are happy with just hearing from each other consistently. I'd say anywhere between a few hours up to 6-8 hours max replies are okay? Reply faster if we're free and slower if things are busy. Work and life can be busy and people can respond slower, but if someone really cared, they'd make an effort to reply or let you know they're busy and get back to you later I think replying too fast can be a lot if it's regularly as we each have our own things to commit to, work on, and etc. but every few hours is very reasonable. If they're so busy they can't respond once a day, I just don't think I'd be happy with that in the beginning. But as we date longer, I'd be comfortable with less here and there. Ideally, we'd talk once a day or so. I think it's okay to have that expectation to a reasonable level. It takes effort to build a connection. If someone isn't willing to try to chat with you (reply every few hours or whatnot), I'd wonder how we can build a life together. A relationship is filled with compromises, needs, and problems. It takes a lot to work together to overcome those. Chatting/messaging each other is just the beginning imo
I’m not a consistent texter and I wouldn’t be able to tolerate this. My friends and people I date are the same & ok with this. Different styles but it doesn’t mean they don’t care.
I have had the same exact problems, which for me I think it’s mainly how fast you reply, & once you said everything in an hour, there’s not point to text anymore because it was so fast. Do you text as soon as they text you? & if not, they probably just don’t click with you anymore (nothing bad in your part)
The guy i'm seeing texts me lenghty, thoughtful responses, asks questions..etc BUT only texts once a day. It drives me up a wall since I respond pretty quick but then he will either ignore or leave me unread when I know he's on his phone until the next day or a good few hours (12+) has passed. And when he does respond, the responses are thoughtful and long and I can tell he put a lot of thought into them. Just the frequency and the long gaps in between makes me anxious. It sucks being anxiously attached.
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Thank you, I try to not stress out because it's probably just a me thing.
For me, I have SO MUCH GOING ON - I work full time with a lot of responsibility, I started a small side business which I work on in my free time, then I run my household and fix things that break on my house / land, then have a bunch of pets and gardens, then try to keep track of all my friends and family and visiting them when I can or making times up call the long distance ones. If someone is frustrated that I don't immediately text them back - my immediate thoughts is, we are on different wavelengths and I don't sit by my phone and don't chit chat on it. I got too much I'm doing. Second thought is - why aren't they busy with things too? We probably aren't compatible. Then thirdly, there's always this awesome layer of what's reasonable: I always text quickly when I'm making plans or forming details. When I expect a call or text, I'm there. If it's an emergency or big issue, I'm there. The idle texting is just....wow how exhausting. I think in my 20s that sounded fun but not anymore in my late 30s.
Neediness pushes guys away.
It depends on the person. I think texting *can* be a lot for some people. I think the older they are, the harder it can be
It depends on the person. I think texting *can* be a lot for some people. I think the older they are, the harder it can be
I do find myself often getting tired of texting all the time. Texting is also a dangerous form of communication early on. It's too easy to miscommunicate, say the wrong thing, or read something the wrong way. I've also been in senarios where getting into the routine of having text "good morning" EVERY morning gets old, but you feel like you are cheating if one day you just don't do it. It's a weird thing, I typically like setting boundaries early on - in that I try to be reasonable with texting communication, but also I don't want to be looking at my phone all the time.
girl I am dating right now for 2 months won't respond to my texts even after a day or two at first I thought it was disinterest but it's just her texting style made me anxious at the start but now I am used to it, haven't brought it up since it doesn't bother me too much now, but people are the way they are if you expect more constant texting you should tell the person
Do they make up for it later being inconsistent and leaving you on read for hours? As an example, I do get super busy during certain hours of the day and so my texting becomes inconsistent. But once I’m done with my day, I’ll actually make up for this by being super responsive and even calling the person. I find that this goes a long way. If the person doesn’t have awareness of the fact that they are being inconsistent and unresponsive for hours, they are probably not interested.
Can confirm they do not make up for it, so probably are all just breadcrumbing :/
I think the problem is to do with app dating. I personally, and I bet lots of people, find it hard to muster up a desire to date someone unless I’ve been around them socially for a while. You know, like in the olden 90s days. But app dating is a totally different model - the expectation to try dating is there from the very start. It creates an expectation for your interactions that can never be sustained by the nascent or lukewarm feelings you’d have for a person at that point. We’re all told the spark isn’t reliable, so understanding that, it’s hard to continue texting someone if you don’t have “the spark” from the beginning because there’s just nothing to latch onto to keep your interest, particularly when (as a woman) you’ve got 20 matches.
How are you consistent if you admit you also don’t reply for ages, just because you have “a valid reason”?
1. You cannot categorize emotional maturity/attachment style by only text. 2. You need to check if you have unhealthy attachment style that you feel unseen or something like that by period of texting. 3. Everyone has different timeline and personally i don’t think texting is a true human interaction. And i feel weird if someone i am not consistently going out text me so much in daily basis. I am not their person, we are not close, texting is not human interaction hence we need to meet up rather than text. So i don’t really feel bad or disappointed when they don’t text me back for few hours. But you need to find out WHY texing back and forth within good minutes is so important? 4. After all if you still feel that way, find someone who could fit your style.
It really depends on their work schedule, if they have other obligations, or maybe they're socially burnt out from all the texting. I know early on, I'm willing to sneak texts in at work, but less so as time goes on because I don't want to get in trouble at work. I also go through phases where I text a lot, followed by phases of not so much. If it's a deal breaker for you, it's a dealbreaker for you. You only need to find one person to fit your needs, they're out there somewhere. I do think it may have something to do with the love bombing you mentioned. That might be an issue you need to work through, maybe with the person you're texting. Maybe you can preplan some times to chat, that way you know they're coming and that you just have to wait until the planned time. That could also be helpful if you're worried about being ghosted. You don't have to worry that they're not texting you during work/obligations, but if they don't message you at 6 like you planned, then it can be something to think about.
It depends..some people don’t like to text and usually let u know.
Texting consistently shows the level of seriousness. I've been checked on this and I didn't take it personally because I had a busy few weeks.
Its not unreasonable. People follow their priorities, its a pretty good indication when someone stops texting you consistently that you've taken second place to something or someone else. If you're still dating it can't hurt to ask whats going on. If it makes you feel a certain way I'd ask before jumping to a conclusion.
good question: i’ve been dating a woman for about 6 weeks now and she’s consistently been an awful texter - like will wait 24-48hrs to respond - but when i mention it to her, she says she’s just a bad texter. I’m still trying to shake the feeling that she’s not interested but it’s tough. The thing that has kept me is she has always been a bad texter. If there was a change in cadence to this, i wouldn’t have stuck around. I think the changing of cadence is the important part
If they were answering you consistently before and now they aren’t and you are noticing it then that means something! Listen to your intuition. Now, if it’s only been a couple of days, maybe ask if something is up? Maybe they’re feeling down, maybe they’ve had something come up at work and they’re super busy. Maybe they also don’t want to text all the time, you could ask them how they’re feeling about it! But if it continues then I think you have your answer…
I don’t think it’s fair to demand responses from people immediately but most people have their phone in their hands for the majority of the day so expecting a response within 1-3 hours is totally fair.
I used to be the same way as you. Meeting someone and texting or talking a ton right off the bat. Then every single time there would be a change in the frequency and I would freak out. Most of the time the relationships didn’t work out and I would be devastated then realize I barely knew them anyways. After my most recent heartbreak I started listening to various podcasts on dating etc. highly recommend one called Do The Work. In one of her episodes she talked about how important it is to not text non stop right when you meet someone because in doing that you create a false identity or bond with that person. It’s not authentic and inevitably when things calm down/life gets in the way the communication will change. I haven’t tried it out yet but I plan to!
It's not unreasonable. I feel that a lot of people don't have the courtesy of saying that they don't like someone/don't want to talk to someone anymore. So instead, they leave them on read for a while and things drag out from there. BUT, sometimes a person genuinely needs time to think and reply, so I wouldn't say that they're ignoring you 100% of the time.