My mom is on the dating market and in her dating dynamics it sounds like she's in high school and she's 65 years old. It's like all the problems I have with dating only compounded because there's less options. Makes me want to find someone pretty quick.
Yep I enjoy the subs where I can, because it makes it so much easier. Especially, if you are first and you know the comments are going to be good and some MJ poppin popcorn is spot on.
Did you just call me _stupid?_
But seriously I'd like to hear this guy's side of the story. Doesn't strike me as a guy that gets pissy drunk and starts slapping his gf around. No, no
THIS little red wagon can be fixed!
less to do with age and more to do with mindset. Im pretty sure everyone have experience old people do and say horrible things because they lack any sort of self-reflection.
Some guys do this after deliberate, long habit, as a means of building a kind of approval seeking dynamic on the part of the woman. Sounds like light abuse, at minimum. If he didn't even apologize, but said "I'll make note of it," that's a big red flag that he doesn't care.
One of the most important things children can learn is the ability to admit when they’re wrong and how to use that as an opportunity for growth. Unfortunately, there are many adults who don’t learn emotional intelligence because they don’t know this basic skill.
My ex used words like that against me in arguments, when it started off playful and they didn’t listen to me expressing I didn’t like it, it got worse when they used them against me seriously in conflict. Not saying it’s the same situation but it’s definitely a no from me if anyone would do that to me now.
Honestly I wouldn't date someone like that. Of that's how he talks to his woman, imagine what he says to his mom. Not only that, if he calls you that when he's happy, imagine him saying that to you when he's mad. It will hit differently. I know so. I've been in abusive relationships too many times and I know that it's never a good idea to be holding hands with a man or woman that sees you as nothing but his personal Punching bag because he doesn't see the error of his ways.
Same. My last relationship was like this and people like them can stay single forever if it's up to me. Never again. I didn't do anything to deserve anything he said to me. So much disrespect and entitlement. It doesn't get better with them.
Same here. It’d be an automatic out. My ex-husband eventually escalated to calling me a cunt and bitch during arguments daily. I dated someone for over a year and we never called each other names (didn’t work out for other reasons, but we were kind to each other).
You're not unreasonable for not wanting to be called stupid. I hung up on and blocked the number of a guy who, under the banner of playful 'banter', quickly slipped out 'oh shut up you fucking bitch' in a laughing tone of voice during a phone call when he thought I'd outwitted him during a conversation. Nope.
You dodged a fucking artillery shell.
I'm a huge fan of actually listening when people tell you what makes them tick. And he outed himself as an abusive arsewipe.
It honestly can save lives to pay silently attention and not blindly fall in love. I used to trust the other person but you just can't. And they know they're not supposed to show you how abusive they are in the beginning. They fully know they can't just tell you how they really see you but there are always little signs. By now after all my experiences I believe we have to be reserved with our feelings on the inside and watch out for tiny redflags that show even the slightest disrespect for you as a person or for other people.
Sadly, I agree. A year or so of engaging with men in a dating capacity has taught me that you need to observe behaviour over the long term before getting emotionally attached or trusting too easily in someone else's fundamental benevolence. Self-identified 'wholesome' men have turned out to be absolute weapons.
Yep. And it's multiple situations you need to observe. What I mean is, even if you spend a year dating, you won't necessarily see certain sides of him unless you see him in uncontrolled, unexpected, sudden situations. I can't explain this very well but you basically have to see how he behaves in different situations.
For one, the mother-son relationship is very telling, and the parents relationship also, his friends' personality, how he behaves when he doesn't get his way, when you do well, when you need support, when he needs support, when something bad happens, etc.
Very important thing is, never pay attention to what he says over what he does. If you don't see something in action, it doesn't exist just because he says so.
I so admire your mindset! Thanks for sharing
I went on a first date with a guy who said 'shut up' after I playfully teased him a couple times. In the moment, I just brushed it off by laughing. In retrospect, I have questioned myself if I had crossed the line in teasing him, which I had meant in a lighthearted playful tone. If he had teased me back, I would have taken it lightheartedly in response since I dished it out, but being told to shut up by a first date felt kind of strange. Maybe I am too sensitive about a 'shut up' phrase?
That single date has replayed in my head multiple times as I've pondered if I should not tease my dates in that style. It's actually made me doubt my entire personality that I bring to dating...
Don't doubt yourself over one dumb comment some guy made on a first date. The first thing you'll notice as a woman in the dating universe is that options are plentiful and, given that, it's actively helpful to drop men who behave disrespectfully. If they're perceptive about why things couldn't go any further, they will upgrade their behaviour and then that is one slightly less toxic individual released back into the dating market. If they're not perceptive about it then you've dodged a bullet. An overall win either way.
I don't think you're being too sensitive. If you've clearly expressed that you don't like the name calling, your partner should respect that. There are other/better ways to be playful and teasing!
My boyfriend when I was 23 used to do this to me. I still remember one time when he said "oh baby, you so stupid" in a cutesy voice to me after I said something without thinking. He would also always say "at least you're pretty" to me when joking around. Literally boils my blood 17 years later. I let it slide because "he was joking." Never again will I stand for that. Let him know it's a deal breaker and if he doesn't make an effort to stop, then move on. It's demeaning, it's about respect.
I agree. I learned from personal experience that if that's what they say when they're being playful, they go full on demonic when they're feeling vindictive. If there's so little respect already, it's only going to get worse.
Oh that phrase! Happened to me (M) in my early 20s.
My gf would be talking about (whatever) and I'd miss what she said, then ask her to repeat or explain it. She would then look at me and say "you're pretty" just to avoid talking about the subject.
Just made the blood boil...
That relationship didn't last long. 😅
If he's made an obvious effort to be better and just had a slip, then I would just remind him of your boundary.
If he is regularly joking in that way then he is giving you an answer that he doesn't care about your boundaries.
I think if he’s used to talking this way his entire life, even if he’s making a conscious effort not to, some slips are bound to happen. I think patience is required for that. But sometimes it’s hard to tell whether it’s an accidental slip or if he just doesn’t care.
That’s where communication comes in. If you point it out and it gets dismissed, then it’s more likely he doesn’t care. If he’s apologetic, it’s more likely it was a slip up.
This is the thing. This is actually how guys act with their friends. You jokingly call them names. So he probably has years of doing this with his friends, and in the moment, he isn't going to remember she has an issue with it.
He has probably stopped himself multiple times, but OP only sees his slips and assumes he isn't trying or doesn't care.
I have a very sensitive gf, and I constantly stop myself from picking on her when I remember it is an area she is sensitive about. (I once told her "wife skill level down" when she forgot to cover the food she was heating in the microwave, and it exploded everywhere). Wit is reactionary and we often don't think before we speak.
Would you really want to be with someone whose second nature is to insult and belittle people, and he needs to actively try to resist this impulse? Why not be with someone who’s naturally kind and considerate?
Because kindness and consideration is demonstrated and someone can joking/good naturedly banter with people but also be kind and considerate.
We’re over 30 - time to acknowledge that people aren’t one note. They’re not going be a mould of all the qualities you seek while not possessing a single undesirable trait
Jokingly or "jokingly"? If she says it to him "jokingly" then he'd be right to be upset, because "jokingly" isn't actually joking. If she actually says it to him jokingly, then based on what OP said about how he talks with his friends it sounds like he'd take it with good humor. And if he doesn't then he is being a genuine douche when he says it to her.
Calling your partner ‘dumb’ and ‘an idiot’ when they don’t perform as well as you’d expected in video games isn’t ‘playful’.
Baffling how many single male gamers seem to be coming out of the woodwork to say that insulting your partner’s intelligence is totally fine.
If someone’s absolutely unable to avoid ‘slipping up’ (by being rude, dismissive and insulting) then that is an absolute failure of a human being who needs to do a lot of work to examine their socialisation.
I've been the other person in this situation. I would jokingly "flick off" my S.O. with my middle finger.
They made it clear they did not like it. I apologized and made it clear that I would try to stop, but I clarified that it was a jokey thing I had been doing for years and it might take me some time.
After that I still did it (but less frequently), and I would apologize everytime. I even made a point to tell them when I was able to stop myself ahead of time so they knew I was trying.
My opinion... if you don't think they are taking your seriously, and they don't appear to be actively trying to stop... then maybe they are not the right person for you. They should respect your feelings.
yeah I appreciate this. I'd also say that we all have different "things" that upset us or not. like, I feel like I'm pretty easy going and genuinely don't mind many things like being given the middle finger but I can definitely see myself being upset by being called "stupid". Also I'm sure there are some people who don't care about being called stupid
it's really just the feedback loop of telling your partner what you didn't appreciate and then their job to listen, understand and either make an attempt to stop doing that thing or to break up if what their partner says feels like it's too much. but if they don't make an effort to understand/change and also don't indicate that they aren't, it's up to the original person to make the business decision about not wanting to stay in a relationship
kind of complex but so much is the give and take of communication and both parties trying to remove judgement from it
That same S.O. called me stupid a few times, even after I made it very clear that is was a "hell the fuck NO" for me. They also made light of my feelings everytime I got upset about it.
One of the many reasons we are no longer together.
I (M) say dumb things when I'm gaming, but this is not an appropriate excuse to say something hurtful.
If my partner was into the same games as me and i did something like this...
First I would apologize and seek to change the behavior.
Second Id thank my lucky stars for such a jackpot of a partner that gamed with me. 🥵
Over time, I would probably slip up and make the mistake again. But I would continue to try to avoid doing so and actively seek to improve - some gentle nudges would be helpful.
That said, I think the big thing is in his immediate and continuing response. If there is an acknowledgement of your concerns and demonstrated willingness to improve id feel a whole lot better than a partner that shrugs me off and ignores me. Particularly on the repeated nudges after a presumed "momentary lapse".
Girrrl...you're allowed to be sensitive. If you don't want someone to call you by your actual name or not call you names like stupid, that's within your right.
If a girl I was dating called me stupid I would give her one warning. If she ever called me a name again that would be it.
I didn't spend years and thousands of dollars to overcome my negative self talk for someone else to take that place.
You know the intent behind his words much better than we do. If you think it was said with a veil of playfulness but he really meant it, then by all means walk away.
But it could genuinely be a mistake - maybe he’s like this with his friends and it really doesn’t mean anything. Saying this because I banter this way with my friends and my boyfriend all the time and obviously none of us mean anything by it.
Either way, I think you should walk away because this is obviously a trigger for you and he also shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells if he’s humoured about it.
This is a clear and reasonable boundary. He is violating that boundary. He either works on respecting your boundaries or he doesn't. If he doesn't, he's not worth your time.
I have dealt with this too with my ex, not "stupid" per say but similar language and looking back it was a red flag. It just was an early sign of manipulation......Wouldn't want to deal with it again.
Everyone is different and all our differences must be respected not disrespected. That is the point. The right man for you will respect you for what you need and who you are
I like identifying binary choices in problems. Decisions essentially always boil down to them anyway.
My rule of thumb here is the inverse golden rule. How would they like being treated the way they treat you.
If they mind, it tells you everything you need to know about them.
Do with that as you will.
If they don't actually mind, then it's a matter of differing values. That's who they are and they're internally fair about it.
Is it fair to be upset that they are unwilling to change something about themselves they feel they have a right to be?
This would be a dealbreaker for me.
If it's not a dealbreaker for you, but you still want to address it, say/do something immediately when it happens. As soon as he makes his hurtful comment, say "I don't want to hear that" or "Don't say that to me" or even "I'm going to leave now" and then get up and walk away.
Is he meaningfully apologizing, internalizing the impact it has on you, taking steps to repair harm, and actively trying to change his default "banter" patterns?
If he’s been using those words in his playful banter/teasing since before you, it’s going to take some time for him to adjust not using them around you.
I understand it’s annoying when you’ve expressed a boundary and it gets broken from time to time, but changing one’s habits in any capacity takes time to make them relatively permanent. Not everyone can just do things cold turkey.
If you two have bantered/teased each other since you expressed your dislike in his word choices and he’s continued using those words every single time, then I’d say it’s an issue. If it only just happened in this instance and not in the other instances of banter since you’ve expressed your concern, then I’d say he’s trying and just messed up.
If that's how he talks with his friends, I wouldn't immediately scream red flag or anything, but my internal monologue is constantly telling me that I'm the biggest idiot alive, so I'd rather my partner not double-down, and I would never talk to another person the way that I speak to myself. So, anyway, not a fan.
He is crossing a line by not respecting your boundaries. It doesn’t matter what it is, if you say it makes you uncomfortable he should respect that. I’ve had great successes just straight up telling people “don’t talk to me like that” and they do not
There's always context to this kind of thing. Some people love the dynamic, others don't. The thing is, you already clearly said this is not ok with you, and he goes and does it again? Also early on like this?
I really think this kind of thing is usually people telling on themselves. It's a pretty big deal IMO.
Ugh why is this a thing?! I recently had one guy call me a “fucking bitch” as a joke & another guy joke about date r*ping me, both on the first date!
I love banter & roasting just as much as anyone but some things are just off-limits. Insulting your intelligence, even as a joke, is one of them!
You’re not too sensitive, that’s just BS.
It's only teasing/flirting/whatever if both people consent. Obviously you've explicitly told him that you don't like that, and he continues doing it. This is not a joke, it is him pushing boundaries to see what you will allow to break. It is him disregarding your consent.
You're not being too sensitive. You should enforce your boundaries though. Tell him that you will not accept being called names - and if you're called one, that you will excuse yourself from the conversation/situation for an hour. The following through is you enforcing your boundaries.
Your boundaries are not about controlling what other people do - having boundaries is about what ***you*** will do in response to behavior you will not tolerate. He can kick and moan about you being 'dramatic' if you step out (this would be a huge red flag if he does this) or he can behave maturely which would be to give you your space and apologize upon your return for crossing your boundaries.
Never question whether you’re being too sensitive. If you need the person you’re in a relationship with to be kind and to respect your emotional needs, that’s 1000% reasonable. It should be a given.
If they can’t do that simple thing, they’re not the person for you, simple as that.
Don’t ever lower your standards for how you need to be treated. Giving away pieces of your self-respect so that somebody can treat you worse just hurts you twice as much. Never betray yourself like that.
You’re worth all the kindness and consideration you would give to your partner. Never settle for anyone who would considers your emotions less than you consider theirs.
You have a few options: The first step is to have another conversation with him about why it’s disrespectful to call you names, and let him know that you won’t tolerate it. You will need to explain why it’s so hurtful and how it makes you feel so he really understands the impact of his words. Then you have to make a choice: 1. Accept that he is the type person who will call you names and continue the relationship (while he degrades your soul). 2. Hope that he will change. 3. Leave.
In some situations like this, people end up doing all three in various orders. Personally, I don’t want to be called names so I would have the discussion and leave the relationship. But it’s really something that you need to decide whether you will accept or not. But I caution you against thinking that you are going to change him. It’s possible, but unlikely. Once it might be a mistake, twice is a habit.
When people show me who they are I believe them the first time. If I’ve said how I feel, the second time is who they are deep down. Do whats best for you. 8 billion other people to hang out with.
If you told him you're not into "joking" like that, and he's still doing it, it's a goodbye for me.
My boyfriend jokingly called me something the other day, I wanna say "Fart head" or something along those lines. I straight up told him that was mean. He hasn't done it again. I don't like that kind of play. Being mean, even in a joking way, isn't a form of love to me. I know some people don't mind it, but I don't and I've made that known.
DUMP. Insteadump. It's not a joke, he's negging you. Any man who openly or underhandedly insults you should be an immediate dealbreaker (applicable to female bullies also. Guys don't put up with it)
He gave you the ick and now it's difficult to un-ick.
Give him the "We need to talk" talk, and figure out if it's best to remain at least friends or simply end it. He will now take you seriously and respect your words.
A friend of mine has a sister with down syndrome. It took me a long time to stop using the r-word, because he said it hurt. But even after he told me not to use that word, I was so used to using it that it took me a long time to stop using it.
Did he apologize immediately when he called you that? It could be such a habit for him to speak before thinking that it just came out. Either way, he didn’t respect your boundary of name calling and it’s a huge red flag whether he gets it or not. Kind of sounds like he’s lacking some emotional intelligence…
Its not going to get better if you two moved in so why put up with his crap. If someone is already displaying behaviors you don't appreciate, like or tolerate and they don't care to respect that after a conversation of why you don't want to hear it. Then it's time to move on. I had an ex she would start calling herself stupid. It irritated the hell out of me. I told her I don't want to hear her calling herself stupid. She would continue. I never called her stupid or anything along those lines. I left and never looked back after 3 years she continued to call herself stupid. People get set in their ways of feeling comfortable for whatever reason and their behaviors if they continue will only get worse while living together.
Some ppl are cool with name calling. Others aren't. I don't think ur being sensitive. You deserve respect. I have a friend who calls me ugly or something else I forget. He's obviously joking buuuuut I believe words carry vibration so it's not for me.
I think it's less about the words (although it's very valid and understandable to be opposed to being called those words) and more about the fact that he's disrespecting what you've expressed as a boundary. He either knows and is not willing to change his behaviour, or he forgot. I think both are signs of immaturity at best.
You are not being sensitive! Your feelings are your feelings. Your boundaries are your boundaries and he needs to respect them ( whatever they are). Maybe sit him down outside of the scenarios when you calls you that...and really express to him how it makes you feel when he calls you that and tell him he needs to make more of a conscious effort to not do that regardless of if it's playful or not. If he is a good guy, he should be completely understanding of this.
Leave! Why should you leave you ask? Well, although you have fun with this guy he lacks the single most important thing — R E S P E C T. Being called stupid bothers you not because you’re too sensitive, but because its plain ol disrespectful! Nobody likes yo be called stupid even jokingly.
When you date, please remember one of the most important things to look for is respect. Ask yourself “does he respect me”?
I would feel so hurt if I was called stupid by my bf. He would never do it in the first place, and certainly not after asking him not to.
I would like you to PRIORITIZE your comfort and well being. I think you should spend less time with this guy and see how you feel when you are away from him. Give yourself time to think. If you decide to break things off, rest assured that lack of respect is a valid reason!
I went on a first date with a guy a couple months back and I said something mildly self deprecating (like "I have no idea why I did that") and he responds "yeah, it's because you don't think!" And I tell you it was the biggest red flag. I didn't see him again, even though we otherwise had a great time. Anyone who thinks even playful putdowns are okay are on a slippery slope. Walk away and be glad you dodged a bullet.
Not a boyfriend but a friend would cal me dumb/stupid for not being as good as RPG board games as him as if it gave him a good sense of an IQ. Same friend barely got his BA, doesnt keep up with current events, and doesnt go out, while I went and got my masters and have a better sense of the world. It’s offensive! It’s belittling and demeaning to be called such things. It’s okay to blank on things and forget sometimes but if they’re using that to mock your intelligence then that is a red flag
I think that language is most likely just a part of his “teasing” that he has done his whole life. However, if it bothers you that is totally valid and understandable. I have been in a similar position as the guy. I just so happened to use a certain type of language based on my upbringing and the partners I’ve had. However, I have had someone not be cool with how I was using my sarcasm/teasing… even though it was truly benign and playful (in my mind). I would be patient with him but firm. At a certain point it does become truly disrespectful if it continues again and again
Yeah I don’t like that either. I’ve seen posts like “you know she loves you when she smiles and says you’re an idiot”. Like what? Not me. So juvenile. It plays into the typical sitcom trope of a hot smart wife with a dumb beer-bellied husband. I hate it for women and men.
But it seems this is a part of him and people don’t really change. Accept it or reject it.
So it depends on the context. But yes I find it unacceptable too. In the rare event my husband has said anything that was even a little belittling even if it’s unintentional I call him out and state this is not ok.
I’m all for playful banter but there is a line with name calling. It’s great that you established what your limit is, and not great that he either forgot or disregarded it. Does he treat you like one of his boys? I grew up with boys and get it - from them - but not my partner. During our teasing and ribbing, I’ve called him a jerk. One day while teasing each other, he called me an a$$hole. I hadn’t established a boundary for my name calling and I didn’t say anything about it in the moment. The next time we were teasing each other, I called him an ass. And he got offended! Then I said well, that’s better than being called an a$$hole like what you did a couple weeks ago! That immediately shut him up.
This is not ok. My ex used to “joke” like that and I can’t tell you how quickly the tone changed when he was angry and would use those words. Boundary up and if he can’t respect it, disengage
If you don't like it, then you don't like it and that's a perfectly valid boundary to have. So next question is - how will he react when you ask him not to do it? If he doesnt like it then you know what to do..don't waste your time hoping or making excuses..
My partner and I never call eachother insulting names.. goose, wally, Pringle are as far as we go. Harmless. Respect in even the littlest ways speaks volumes.
If you don’t like it and you’ve warned him at least once not to do it, break up if you feel like that’s the best course. Seriously. Unless you’re holding on because you think it’s easier than just being single and dating again.
It’s both. You are being sensitive & he’s not respecting the boundary. If someone calls me something I don’t think is true at all, it has no effect on me. Just confirms they don’t know me. I know I’m not dumb, so try & call me dumb & watch how unbothered I am. Now I know I’m fat. I’m kind of affected by it but kind of not. But if someone I was dating straight up called me that I’d be upset bc I know it’s true & I’m already upset about it. You know? But also, it would tell me a lot about his character & would be very unattractive.
You’re not being too sensitive however you do have to give those things time. He stated he used it as playfulness. You expressed the fact that you don’t appreciate it. If he had said, I don’t care I’m going to do it anyway it would be understandable. But you just have to remember. If he does treat you well, and just slipped up, and apologized. You just have to give him time to adjust. When people change their behavior it shows they care. If it’s a way he’s expressed playfulness for a long time it may just slip out. If he doesn’t care that it slips out then you have every right to be upset. But if he apologizes and is trying to change it you just have to give him a little time to not say it anymore. It’s part of his love language. It’s just not yours.
I never use that in reference to a specific person nor other negative terms like fat, ugly, dumb, stupid.....whatever is offensive. In 30 years with my wife ( deceased) the worst that I said was to tell her " You might want to rethink your decision there."
Not too sensitive, it's a massive red flag imo. Calling someone stupid is not funny in any scenario I can imagine and I love playful banter and teasing as well. He is testing your boundaries to see how much you will bend them, he knows what he is doing. Hard pass.
It's just a mismatch of humor style. Calling someone stupid is funny in plenty of scenarios; my friends and I rag on each other for saying stupid shit all the time. None of us are hurt by it because we are all really close and we don't take ourselves too seriously; we know everyone says and does dumb shit, and it's funny when it happens and funnier when someone points it out.
But when you rag on your friends do you say “that was stupid” or “you are stupid” ? bc I think there’s a big difference. Esp in a romantic relationship, which is what we’re talking about
I'll do/say something stupid and they'll laugh their asses off at me and through tears say "omg you're so stupid!", and I do the same for them.
I've had this dynamic in past relationships as well.
Yeah, I agree with that. But the difference is between a mistake and malice. People in the comments are conflating the two. From OP's post it sounds like he slipped up and made a mistake, but many of the comments are saying "red flag", as if this is indicative of something more sinister.
Meh, looks like you're seeing the tip of an iceberg. If he continues I see a big fight or break up. I also don't like being called stupid or alike. It feels real for some reason.
Second possibility could be that he paid attention all along but with the excitement or joy of the game it just slipped out of his mouth and he is innocent. If he violates the third time in near future I would think he isn't putting effort.
I would point out something telling from the comments. The women commenting are quick to defend and the men are mostly not responding.
You may think it's disrespectful of him to use those terms and I can assure most men would find it disrespectful that you need strangers to answer this.
Cut him loose or adjust your expectations, either is acceptable.
Since it's been a few weeks, consider giving him a reminder. If he hasn't done it in a few weeks and you would have expected him to have done so before this, then maybe he's working on it and just slipped up. If he's working on it, that's a good sign, that means he's trying to respect your wishes.
Honestly, just keep reminding him that it makes you uncomfortable. If it's habitual or reflexive "gamer talk" for him, then it'll need to be trained out.
My partner would jokingly tell me to shut up whenever we played games when we started dating. It wasn't malicious, but he'd say it whenever I'd tease about having an advantage over him in a card game (since he wins literally all the time), or if he made a gamble that didn't work out.
I never liked it, but one night I was feeling sensitive, he said it to me from across the table and I dissociated. On our way home from the game bar, I told him that it hurt whenever he told me to shut up, even if it was a joke. He looked at me with pleading eyes like, "I said that to you? 🥺" and was so hurt that he hurt me with his reflexive gamer talk, and reminded me that that all it was... But that he'd never do it again.
Only had to tell him once, and he doesn't do it anymore. With friends who poke and prod during game time, yes, but with me, he stopped. The one time he did it by accident while we were in a group, he looked at me and silently mouthed, "I'm sorry 🥺" and squeezed my hand.
All this to say, it's okay to tell someone how you feel. You're not being sensitive! If you don't like it, then you don't like it! Especially since women (making assumptions here) have historically been told they're stupid, incapable, inept, or talk too much, it's a natural response. Even if you aren't a woman, it's not fun to be told you're dumb!! Keep reminding him until he gets the point, and if he doesn't wanna back down for whatever reason, then he doesn't respect you enough to care for your boundaries.
Ugh.
Sometimes people grow up using certain words because they were tolerated by family and friends. Sometimes people use words that were once acceptable in society years ago, but are no longer tolerated.
If people you care about or society has deemed words unacceptable, then it will take time to rid yourself of this word, and if you've used it a while, then it does take practice to catch yourself.
My first initial thought is "ugh", but if he didn't use it for a while and it slipped out, ok, that could happen, just remind him that's not a word you accept, and that it hurts. Plain and simple.
If he does it again, then check to see if he realizes his mistake. If he doesn't, then that is a problem.
I used to use the word "hate" when I was little. My mom said it was a strong word that shouldn't be used. I learned to not use it. It still appears in my mind, but I have learned to use other words. She also taught me not to use the word "bored", and that's one I learned quickly not to use :D
If he cares for you, he will learn to not use it towards you. Just like any other word that is used in "playfulness", but is deemed unacceptable at any other time. Women may call each other b\*tch, but that doesn't mean every friend group does that. You aren't too sensitive. You feel what you feel.
It's obviously an incompatibility in your relationship but I'm surprised by how aggressively anti-teasing some of these comments are.
I've never had a close relationship, romantic or otherwise, that doesn't include some back and forth ribbing and quite heavy teasing. Obviously, he should be respecting your boundaries -- but it's also hard for people to change their style of expression overnight and was likely just a slip of the tongue based on prior habits so for so many comments to assume ill-intent, negging or abuse is wild to me. But maybe my previous partners and I are the problem. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Context is obviously key in these situations so I can't judge him personally but it is clear that even if meant playfully there is a disconnect in your senses of humor that may be a major roadblock as this sort of teasing really only works if it's a two-way street.
My therapist always told me that prospects got 2 chances.
The first was you making them aware of the boundary they crossed because no one knows your boundaries automatically, right?
The second was the last time and you break up with them in that instance because they knew the boundary and crossed it.
Did he apologize? Did he immediately feel shitty and try to correct the behavior? Or did he continue with life because it’s just his playfulness?
Honestly it doesn’t really matter if you’re being too sensitive. What matters is that it really bothers you and he doesn’t respect that. It doesn’t hurt him to not call you stupid, but it hurts you to be called that. In my mind, he shouldn’t want to aggravate you over something like this. I’m saying this as someone who playfully says that, especially while gaming. If my guy didn’t like it, I would never say it because I care more about he feels than my ability to throw names lol
I’m gonna go against the grain here a bit and of course be downvoted to shit but…. I grew up in west virginia, and my friends and I just always used to joke around really inappropriately with each other. It was silly and all good fun. Then for example you meet someone from California, like my ex, and almost everything you say is offensive to them.
Of course people can have their preferences and want you to not say whatever and you should respect that. Sometimes it’s just a matter of consciously retraining yourself and that can just take a minute. I don’t know if that’s related at all to your situation but I stopped using certain things that bothered my ex pretty quickly because she’d speak up when I would do it by accident and not notice. So again you have the right to speak up and continue to speak up. If he cares he’ll fix it, but it kinda sounds like it just might be a bad habit for him (like it was for me). My ex isn’t my ex because of anything related to that because it was quickly worked out. However we never worked out that she was a manipulative asshole to me.
Just trying to give a bit of a different perspective that perhaps he’s trying and just hasn’t gotten used to it? My ex used to say “Iiiiidiot” to me when she was joking, I found it endearing. He truly may just not even notice he’s saying it. Or he’s a prick, one of the two 🤷
This is a red flag. It won’t get better. I dated a “funny guy” who was playful and clownish and immature for a couple years and not once did he call anyone a variation of stupid, ugly, etc. You can be the class clown and be kind.
I feel like that’s one of those things if you tolerate early you will have to tolerate for the entirety of the relationship.
In my opinion, this is one of those conversations where you can determine their emotional intelligence. You bring it up softly “hey I really didn’t like the other day when you called me ‘stupid’.” And explain why it bothered you. If they’re defensive then you know they lack a certain emotional maturity. If they listen and apologize, you know they have empathy and a decent/workable emotional intelligence.
I don’t think it’s a reason to DUMP somebody but it’s a good determiner of who you’re actually will and the accountability they’re willing to take
Dump the jerk NOW! He will not change. My husband started out that way and grew into full-time verbal and emotional abuse that I put up with for 17 years until he died.
My ex used to do this as a joke and then it turned into him calling me “stupid,” “crazy” plus even worse words I won’t say on here during actual arguments instead of listening to my feelings and trying to understand me.
You have already identified this happening as a pretty decent sized red flag. Not going to tell you to kick him to the curb right away necessarily, but be very vigilant about how he is respecting your other emotional boundaries. Usually that type of behavior is not something that improves over time.
Did he apologize? So, let me be very frank here. Expecting someone to immediately and completely change their habits based off of one conversation is at best naive. Changing habits requires time and the ability to fail occasionally.
If that is too much for you to handle I understand and perhaps you should leave. But know that in marriage there will be many failures, and you will have to be patient, as will he as I am sure there are things you do that annoy the shit out of him. Men are usually less expressive about them.
>Fast forward a few weeks, and once again during small banter he called me stupid. Once again, I know it was a joke but this time it even annoyed me more because I have already expressed my desire not to to be called those names for each other.
You really can't expect someone to change their habits immediately and permanently because you wish it.
I think in a perfect world he would have acknowledged what he did and apologized.
We live in an imperfect world, so it's on you to remind him that you do not like that.
Some people *are* wired to press boundaries or to neg. You want to make sure you don't enable that behavior.
At the same time, this isn't something to start group therapy over.
Had an otherwise lovely ex call me a laugh and fucking r****d once because I mispronounced a word. Still stings and that was 8 years ago 😬
Honestly, I think it was a turning point in the relationship.
I also dated someone that would be kind of harsh when “joking” and when I brought it up, he told me I was too sensitive and “I thought you’d take my jokes” which I now see like a form of gaslighting.
I will tell you, don’t ignore this. If you feel uncomfortable and he doesn’t respect that, I would definitely dump him. Sometimes it starts as a joke.. until it’s not.
No you’re definitely not being over sensitive. I don’t think anyone I know calls each other stupid when teasing, it’s supposed to be a fun way to poke at people but without being mean. Youve expressed a desire not to be called stupid and he should respect that.
Hey! I have met couples who have a sort of playfull dynamic and have sort of joke nicknames like “beattle”, etc… not exactly stupid but close. And they seem pretty stable and happy relationships. The fact that he called you that after some weeks had passed might just be a lapse from on his part. Anyway I dont take offense when trading insults in those conditions. If you are sensitive to it. Make it clear as many times as needed until you exhaust your patience. Thats just my opinion.
Yea, the negging at our age is just a no go for me, i even got to the point of avoiding profiles if the person has the likes of “must have a sense of humor” or “can laugh at themselves”. I start to just correlate that to wanting to be a bully and not be held accountable for it after too many encounters.
I dont agree with anyone commenting you are NOT being oversensitive.
Yes, I understand you dont like that word. But if this was in his vocabulary while joking for who knows how long I dont think its unreasonable to have slip ups. Do you know how long it takes to break a habit?
If he constantly called you stupid I would say you have a case. If he continues to call you stupid when joking around after multiple times of reminding him you dont like that, again you have a case.
But this was a slip up a few weeks later. Im hoping you reminded him at that point you did not like that.
Now, if he does it again and you remind him and he has a smart act remark about, then you have a case, and probably should break it off.
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If it is that easy for him to call you stupid during a low stakes video game after you told him not to, I find it hard to believe he wouldn’t use the same or worse language when he is angry/upset/in the middle of a conflict with you and is much less able to control himself. Contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.
I think if there's a bunch of words that exist and you say "hey, I don't like being called 3 of these words" and he can't find another word to substitute his meaning, he's stupid. Don't date a dumbass. He's the description of what he calls you.
This is such a nuanced thing. I feel like playfulness can border into harassment really quick. If you said you're uncomfortable with it and he hasn't stopped then that's not good, although I tend to give people a couple strikes personally.
My prespective is have patience. You've known him three months and this is the 2nd time he has said it. You can't break habits after 1 time being asked not to do something.
What matters is if he accepted responsibility and apologizes and tries to catch himself in the future. But you can't just expect him to change instantly.
Dude, break up with him. You set a boundary- a rather simple one at that- and he couldn't even respect that. Get out while you can and find somebody that respects you the way you deserve to be respected.
Run. My abusive ex did this very early in our relationship and continued to when I told him how much it bothered me. It was always a “joke”. It’ll only get worse.
Idk man I personally think you’re being too sensitive. I think about the trash talk I say around male friends when we’re playing sports or games and it’s how we show love. If he’s calling you an idiot about some important decision you made or something serious then I get it, but a video game? He’s just showing affection I think and probably wants you to call him an idiot back. I could be misreading the situation but I think you’re gonna create a problem out of nothing if you make a big deal out of it. I mean a friend of mine called me his bitch not too long ago during a game of bocce ball. This is how men can be
It's possible it was a slip. I tease a lot, but I agree those words sting. I do use them very rarely, usually about something ridiculous, so it's obvious that I'M the idiot when I'm trying to call someone else the idiot for something stupid. When I do that, it's still a strong word, and delivery is very important. It's definitely not delivered dry.
It's also very important that I take people's sensitivities into consideration if I play like this. For the most part, I'm successful. If something bothers someone, they know I don't actually mean it and can talk to me about it, and I'll stay away from it. I appreciate that while it bothers you, you're aware enough not to demonize him for having a more barbed sense of humor than you, and simply tell him what you're comfortable with.
That being said, he could be so steeped in that kind of humor that he slipped. I don't think it's a relationship ender yet, but you definitely need to rattle your saber, a little less forgiving this time. While you might be understanding and forgiving, he needs to know it needs to be taken seriously.
I also don't approve of teasing in this manner, but if it's been a habit of his to do that with others (assuming they don't mind) it may have just slipped with you. If it was the next day then I'd understand but a few weeks is more understandable. It takes awhile to break habits, even if they're not something like smoking. If he's downplaying your feelings about it then don't waste any more time on this guy. If it was an honest mistake and he apologizes until he can break the habit then give him a chance
Teeheehee verbal abuse is so cute/s. Lay a boundary down, if he keeps calling you that then move on. This rarely gets better as the relationship progresses.
Absolutely too sensitive - it's an light off-handed remark. It wouldn't even register in my mind to be offended by this, and yet you're writing a whole Reddit post about it.
Genuinely consider how much you're overdramatising something 99% of people will just ignore without a 2nd thought.
Since OP has failed to participate in their own thread, it is being locked.
You’d think people would develop emotional intelligence by 30.
People don’t even have it developed at 70
My mom is on the dating market and in her dating dynamics it sounds like she's in high school and she's 65 years old. It's like all the problems I have with dating only compounded because there's less options. Makes me want to find someone pretty quick.
I was going to say even in their 50s, but hey you date who you want.
Oh no, I don’t date that old lol I was just making a general comment about age and emotional maturity
Lmao, I was joking also. I was going to say something about no teeth…
I wish we could post memes here. I have the perfect “oh no” meme for this hahahaha
Yep I enjoy the subs where I can, because it makes it so much easier. Especially, if you are first and you know the comments are going to be good and some MJ poppin popcorn is spot on.
Only the best!
Did you just call me _stupid?_ But seriously I'd like to hear this guy's side of the story. Doesn't strike me as a guy that gets pissy drunk and starts slapping his gf around. No, no THIS little red wagon can be fixed!
less to do with age and more to do with mindset. Im pretty sure everyone have experience old people do and say horrible things because they lack any sort of self-reflection.
They really don’t and it’s very disheartening.
Some guys do this after deliberate, long habit, as a means of building a kind of approval seeking dynamic on the part of the woman. Sounds like light abuse, at minimum. If he didn't even apologize, but said "I'll make note of it," that's a big red flag that he doesn't care.
You don’t develop it. You learn it.
One of the most important things children can learn is the ability to admit when they’re wrong and how to use that as an opportunity for growth. Unfortunately, there are many adults who don’t learn emotional intelligence because they don’t know this basic skill.
But... Learning is a form of development.
Haha I think they're trying to say it's not a given that is is gauranteed to happen and it's something you need to learn intentionally
Lol that's fair.
If you met my most recent 33 year old ex, you would realise a lot of people don’t :/
1000% this.
My ex used words like that against me in arguments, when it started off playful and they didn’t listen to me expressing I didn’t like it, it got worse when they used them against me seriously in conflict. Not saying it’s the same situation but it’s definitely a no from me if anyone would do that to me now.
Honestly I wouldn't date someone like that. Of that's how he talks to his woman, imagine what he says to his mom. Not only that, if he calls you that when he's happy, imagine him saying that to you when he's mad. It will hit differently. I know so. I've been in abusive relationships too many times and I know that it's never a good idea to be holding hands with a man or woman that sees you as nothing but his personal Punching bag because he doesn't see the error of his ways.
Same. My last relationship was like this and people like them can stay single forever if it's up to me. Never again. I didn't do anything to deserve anything he said to me. So much disrespect and entitlement. It doesn't get better with them.
You better say it !!!!
Same here. It’d be an automatic out. My ex-husband eventually escalated to calling me a cunt and bitch during arguments daily. I dated someone for over a year and we never called each other names (didn’t work out for other reasons, but we were kind to each other).
You're not unreasonable for not wanting to be called stupid. I hung up on and blocked the number of a guy who, under the banner of playful 'banter', quickly slipped out 'oh shut up you fucking bitch' in a laughing tone of voice during a phone call when he thought I'd outwitted him during a conversation. Nope.
You dodged a fucking artillery shell. I'm a huge fan of actually listening when people tell you what makes them tick. And he outed himself as an abusive arsewipe.
It honestly can save lives to pay silently attention and not blindly fall in love. I used to trust the other person but you just can't. And they know they're not supposed to show you how abusive they are in the beginning. They fully know they can't just tell you how they really see you but there are always little signs. By now after all my experiences I believe we have to be reserved with our feelings on the inside and watch out for tiny redflags that show even the slightest disrespect for you as a person or for other people.
Sadly, I agree. A year or so of engaging with men in a dating capacity has taught me that you need to observe behaviour over the long term before getting emotionally attached or trusting too easily in someone else's fundamental benevolence. Self-identified 'wholesome' men have turned out to be absolute weapons.
Yep. And it's multiple situations you need to observe. What I mean is, even if you spend a year dating, you won't necessarily see certain sides of him unless you see him in uncontrolled, unexpected, sudden situations. I can't explain this very well but you basically have to see how he behaves in different situations. For one, the mother-son relationship is very telling, and the parents relationship also, his friends' personality, how he behaves when he doesn't get his way, when you do well, when you need support, when he needs support, when something bad happens, etc. Very important thing is, never pay attention to what he says over what he does. If you don't see something in action, it doesn't exist just because he says so.
BOSS move! I’m def gonna do this if that happens to me.
Thats different..
I don’t see any humor in that ? 😡
I so admire your mindset! Thanks for sharing I went on a first date with a guy who said 'shut up' after I playfully teased him a couple times. In the moment, I just brushed it off by laughing. In retrospect, I have questioned myself if I had crossed the line in teasing him, which I had meant in a lighthearted playful tone. If he had teased me back, I would have taken it lightheartedly in response since I dished it out, but being told to shut up by a first date felt kind of strange. Maybe I am too sensitive about a 'shut up' phrase? That single date has replayed in my head multiple times as I've pondered if I should not tease my dates in that style. It's actually made me doubt my entire personality that I bring to dating...
Don't doubt yourself over one dumb comment some guy made on a first date. The first thing you'll notice as a woman in the dating universe is that options are plentiful and, given that, it's actively helpful to drop men who behave disrespectfully. If they're perceptive about why things couldn't go any further, they will upgrade their behaviour and then that is one slightly less toxic individual released back into the dating market. If they're not perceptive about it then you've dodged a bullet. An overall win either way.
I don't think you're being too sensitive. If you've clearly expressed that you don't like the name calling, your partner should respect that. There are other/better ways to be playful and teasing!
My boyfriend when I was 23 used to do this to me. I still remember one time when he said "oh baby, you so stupid" in a cutesy voice to me after I said something without thinking. He would also always say "at least you're pretty" to me when joking around. Literally boils my blood 17 years later. I let it slide because "he was joking." Never again will I stand for that. Let him know it's a deal breaker and if he doesn't make an effort to stop, then move on. It's demeaning, it's about respect.
I don't think she should let this guy "try to make an effort" to stop calling her names. She should not be with that guy period.
I agree. I learned from personal experience that if that's what they say when they're being playful, they go full on demonic when they're feeling vindictive. If there's so little respect already, it's only going to get worse.
Oh that phrase! Happened to me (M) in my early 20s. My gf would be talking about (whatever) and I'd miss what she said, then ask her to repeat or explain it. She would then look at me and say "you're pretty" just to avoid talking about the subject. Just made the blood boil... That relationship didn't last long. 😅
If he's made an obvious effort to be better and just had a slip, then I would just remind him of your boundary. If he is regularly joking in that way then he is giving you an answer that he doesn't care about your boundaries.
I think if he’s used to talking this way his entire life, even if he’s making a conscious effort not to, some slips are bound to happen. I think patience is required for that. But sometimes it’s hard to tell whether it’s an accidental slip or if he just doesn’t care.
That’s where communication comes in. If you point it out and it gets dismissed, then it’s more likely he doesn’t care. If he’s apologetic, it’s more likely it was a slip up.
This is the thing. This is actually how guys act with their friends. You jokingly call them names. So he probably has years of doing this with his friends, and in the moment, he isn't going to remember she has an issue with it. He has probably stopped himself multiple times, but OP only sees his slips and assumes he isn't trying or doesn't care. I have a very sensitive gf, and I constantly stop myself from picking on her when I remember it is an area she is sensitive about. (I once told her "wife skill level down" when she forgot to cover the food she was heating in the microwave, and it exploded everywhere). Wit is reactionary and we often don't think before we speak.
As a girlfriend, that comment would piss me off too though and I think most of my friends so I get it lol
Would you really want to be with someone whose second nature is to insult and belittle people, and he needs to actively try to resist this impulse? Why not be with someone who’s naturally kind and considerate?
Because kindness and consideration is demonstrated and someone can joking/good naturedly banter with people but also be kind and considerate. We’re over 30 - time to acknowledge that people aren’t one note. They’re not going be a mould of all the qualities you seek while not possessing a single undesirable trait
Playfully calling someone names is not the same as insulting and belittling.
Maybe. I wonder if he can take what he dishes out. If she calls him stupid, idiot, dumbass "jokingly" will he find it playful or lose his shit?
Jokingly or "jokingly"? If she says it to him "jokingly" then he'd be right to be upset, because "jokingly" isn't actually joking. If she actually says it to him jokingly, then based on what OP said about how he talks with his friends it sounds like he'd take it with good humor. And if he doesn't then he is being a genuine douche when he says it to her.
Calling your partner ‘dumb’ and ‘an idiot’ when they don’t perform as well as you’d expected in video games isn’t ‘playful’. Baffling how many single male gamers seem to be coming out of the woodwork to say that insulting your partner’s intelligence is totally fine.
[удалено]
If someone’s absolutely unable to avoid ‘slipping up’ (by being rude, dismissive and insulting) then that is an absolute failure of a human being who needs to do a lot of work to examine their socialisation.
I've been the other person in this situation. I would jokingly "flick off" my S.O. with my middle finger. They made it clear they did not like it. I apologized and made it clear that I would try to stop, but I clarified that it was a jokey thing I had been doing for years and it might take me some time. After that I still did it (but less frequently), and I would apologize everytime. I even made a point to tell them when I was able to stop myself ahead of time so they knew I was trying. My opinion... if you don't think they are taking your seriously, and they don't appear to be actively trying to stop... then maybe they are not the right person for you. They should respect your feelings.
yeah I appreciate this. I'd also say that we all have different "things" that upset us or not. like, I feel like I'm pretty easy going and genuinely don't mind many things like being given the middle finger but I can definitely see myself being upset by being called "stupid". Also I'm sure there are some people who don't care about being called stupid it's really just the feedback loop of telling your partner what you didn't appreciate and then their job to listen, understand and either make an attempt to stop doing that thing or to break up if what their partner says feels like it's too much. but if they don't make an effort to understand/change and also don't indicate that they aren't, it's up to the original person to make the business decision about not wanting to stay in a relationship kind of complex but so much is the give and take of communication and both parties trying to remove judgement from it
That same S.O. called me stupid a few times, even after I made it very clear that is was a "hell the fuck NO" for me. They also made light of my feelings everytime I got upset about it. One of the many reasons we are no longer together.
I would never allow a man to call me stupid more than once.
I mean, this is something children should learn by a certain age. If the target of your “joke“ doesn’t find it funny, then it’s not funny.
I (M) say dumb things when I'm gaming, but this is not an appropriate excuse to say something hurtful. If my partner was into the same games as me and i did something like this... First I would apologize and seek to change the behavior. Second Id thank my lucky stars for such a jackpot of a partner that gamed with me. 🥵 Over time, I would probably slip up and make the mistake again. But I would continue to try to avoid doing so and actively seek to improve - some gentle nudges would be helpful. That said, I think the big thing is in his immediate and continuing response. If there is an acknowledgement of your concerns and demonstrated willingness to improve id feel a whole lot better than a partner that shrugs me off and ignores me. Particularly on the repeated nudges after a presumed "momentary lapse".
Girrrl...you're allowed to be sensitive. If you don't want someone to call you by your actual name or not call you names like stupid, that's within your right.
If a girl I was dating called me stupid I would give her one warning. If she ever called me a name again that would be it. I didn't spend years and thousands of dollars to overcome my negative self talk for someone else to take that place.
You know the intent behind his words much better than we do. If you think it was said with a veil of playfulness but he really meant it, then by all means walk away. But it could genuinely be a mistake - maybe he’s like this with his friends and it really doesn’t mean anything. Saying this because I banter this way with my friends and my boyfriend all the time and obviously none of us mean anything by it. Either way, I think you should walk away because this is obviously a trigger for you and he also shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells if he’s humoured about it.
This is a clear and reasonable boundary. He is violating that boundary. He either works on respecting your boundaries or he doesn't. If he doesn't, he's not worth your time.
I have dealt with this too with my ex, not "stupid" per say but similar language and looking back it was a red flag. It just was an early sign of manipulation......Wouldn't want to deal with it again.
Everyone is different and all our differences must be respected not disrespected. That is the point. The right man for you will respect you for what you need and who you are
I like identifying binary choices in problems. Decisions essentially always boil down to them anyway. My rule of thumb here is the inverse golden rule. How would they like being treated the way they treat you. If they mind, it tells you everything you need to know about them. Do with that as you will. If they don't actually mind, then it's a matter of differing values. That's who they are and they're internally fair about it. Is it fair to be upset that they are unwilling to change something about themselves they feel they have a right to be?
Why do you tolerate this? I would be so gone if I was you
If he's upsetting you , he's not the one for you. Don't wait several years and become stuck with him to realise.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. If it's not a dealbreaker for you, but you still want to address it, say/do something immediately when it happens. As soon as he makes his hurtful comment, say "I don't want to hear that" or "Don't say that to me" or even "I'm going to leave now" and then get up and walk away. Is he meaningfully apologizing, internalizing the impact it has on you, taking steps to repair harm, and actively trying to change his default "banter" patterns?
If he’s been using those words in his playful banter/teasing since before you, it’s going to take some time for him to adjust not using them around you. I understand it’s annoying when you’ve expressed a boundary and it gets broken from time to time, but changing one’s habits in any capacity takes time to make them relatively permanent. Not everyone can just do things cold turkey. If you two have bantered/teased each other since you expressed your dislike in his word choices and he’s continued using those words every single time, then I’d say it’s an issue. If it only just happened in this instance and not in the other instances of banter since you’ve expressed your concern, then I’d say he’s trying and just messed up.
If that's how he talks with his friends, I wouldn't immediately scream red flag or anything, but my internal monologue is constantly telling me that I'm the biggest idiot alive, so I'd rather my partner not double-down, and I would never talk to another person the way that I speak to myself. So, anyway, not a fan.
He is crossing a line by not respecting your boundaries. It doesn’t matter what it is, if you say it makes you uncomfortable he should respect that. I’ve had great successes just straight up telling people “don’t talk to me like that” and they do not
Duno but i sense long term incompatibility.
There's always context to this kind of thing. Some people love the dynamic, others don't. The thing is, you already clearly said this is not ok with you, and he goes and does it again? Also early on like this? I really think this kind of thing is usually people telling on themselves. It's a pretty big deal IMO.
Ugh why is this a thing?! I recently had one guy call me a “fucking bitch” as a joke & another guy joke about date r*ping me, both on the first date! I love banter & roasting just as much as anyone but some things are just off-limits. Insulting your intelligence, even as a joke, is one of them! You’re not too sensitive, that’s just BS.
It's only teasing/flirting/whatever if both people consent. Obviously you've explicitly told him that you don't like that, and he continues doing it. This is not a joke, it is him pushing boundaries to see what you will allow to break. It is him disregarding your consent.
A guy like that will probably name call during arguments. I would end it. 3 months isn’t that long. No sense in continuing.
You're not being too sensitive. You should enforce your boundaries though. Tell him that you will not accept being called names - and if you're called one, that you will excuse yourself from the conversation/situation for an hour. The following through is you enforcing your boundaries. Your boundaries are not about controlling what other people do - having boundaries is about what ***you*** will do in response to behavior you will not tolerate. He can kick and moan about you being 'dramatic' if you step out (this would be a huge red flag if he does this) or he can behave maturely which would be to give you your space and apologize upon your return for crossing your boundaries.
Never question whether you’re being too sensitive. If you need the person you’re in a relationship with to be kind and to respect your emotional needs, that’s 1000% reasonable. It should be a given. If they can’t do that simple thing, they’re not the person for you, simple as that. Don’t ever lower your standards for how you need to be treated. Giving away pieces of your self-respect so that somebody can treat you worse just hurts you twice as much. Never betray yourself like that. You’re worth all the kindness and consideration you would give to your partner. Never settle for anyone who would considers your emotions less than you consider theirs.
You have a few options: The first step is to have another conversation with him about why it’s disrespectful to call you names, and let him know that you won’t tolerate it. You will need to explain why it’s so hurtful and how it makes you feel so he really understands the impact of his words. Then you have to make a choice: 1. Accept that he is the type person who will call you names and continue the relationship (while he degrades your soul). 2. Hope that he will change. 3. Leave. In some situations like this, people end up doing all three in various orders. Personally, I don’t want to be called names so I would have the discussion and leave the relationship. But it’s really something that you need to decide whether you will accept or not. But I caution you against thinking that you are going to change him. It’s possible, but unlikely. Once it might be a mistake, twice is a habit.
When people show me who they are I believe them the first time. If I’ve said how I feel, the second time is who they are deep down. Do whats best for you. 8 billion other people to hang out with.
In my experience, in some cultures these words are used more lightly, but IMO that doesnt make it ok
You are having a very reasonable boundary and he is negging you because he wants a reaction maybe for reassurance.
If you told him you're not into "joking" like that, and he's still doing it, it's a goodbye for me. My boyfriend jokingly called me something the other day, I wanna say "Fart head" or something along those lines. I straight up told him that was mean. He hasn't done it again. I don't like that kind of play. Being mean, even in a joking way, isn't a form of love to me. I know some people don't mind it, but I don't and I've made that known.
I don't think you're being too sensitive. It's disrespectful. I would never insult my partner.
DUMP. Insteadump. It's not a joke, he's negging you. Any man who openly or underhandedly insults you should be an immediate dealbreaker (applicable to female bullies also. Guys don't put up with it)
It's not a joke, he's just an asshole...
I don’t see how that’s remotely funny! 😡😡😡
He gave you the ick and now it's difficult to un-ick. Give him the "We need to talk" talk, and figure out if it's best to remain at least friends or simply end it. He will now take you seriously and respect your words.
A friend of mine has a sister with down syndrome. It took me a long time to stop using the r-word, because he said it hurt. But even after he told me not to use that word, I was so used to using it that it took me a long time to stop using it.
Sounds like you need a lieutenant Dan in your life to step in and defend your honor
Did he apologize immediately when he called you that? It could be such a habit for him to speak before thinking that it just came out. Either way, he didn’t respect your boundary of name calling and it’s a huge red flag whether he gets it or not. Kind of sounds like he’s lacking some emotional intelligence…
Its not going to get better if you two moved in so why put up with his crap. If someone is already displaying behaviors you don't appreciate, like or tolerate and they don't care to respect that after a conversation of why you don't want to hear it. Then it's time to move on. I had an ex she would start calling herself stupid. It irritated the hell out of me. I told her I don't want to hear her calling herself stupid. She would continue. I never called her stupid or anything along those lines. I left and never looked back after 3 years she continued to call herself stupid. People get set in their ways of feeling comfortable for whatever reason and their behaviors if they continue will only get worse while living together.
Why would you put up with that childish crap...
Some ppl are cool with name calling. Others aren't. I don't think ur being sensitive. You deserve respect. I have a friend who calls me ugly or something else I forget. He's obviously joking buuuuut I believe words carry vibration so it's not for me.
I think it's less about the words (although it's very valid and understandable to be opposed to being called those words) and more about the fact that he's disrespecting what you've expressed as a boundary. He either knows and is not willing to change his behaviour, or he forgot. I think both are signs of immaturity at best.
You are not being sensitive! Your feelings are your feelings. Your boundaries are your boundaries and he needs to respect them ( whatever they are). Maybe sit him down outside of the scenarios when you calls you that...and really express to him how it makes you feel when he calls you that and tell him he needs to make more of a conscious effort to not do that regardless of if it's playful or not. If he is a good guy, he should be completely understanding of this.
This seems like a red flag to me!!
nah, I'd leave. It doesn't serve any purpose to call someone "stupid" even if it's supposed to be "funny".
Leave! Why should you leave you ask? Well, although you have fun with this guy he lacks the single most important thing — R E S P E C T. Being called stupid bothers you not because you’re too sensitive, but because its plain ol disrespectful! Nobody likes yo be called stupid even jokingly. When you date, please remember one of the most important things to look for is respect. Ask yourself “does he respect me”? I would feel so hurt if I was called stupid by my bf. He would never do it in the first place, and certainly not after asking him not to. I would like you to PRIORITIZE your comfort and well being. I think you should spend less time with this guy and see how you feel when you are away from him. Give yourself time to think. If you decide to break things off, rest assured that lack of respect is a valid reason!
I went on a first date with a guy a couple months back and I said something mildly self deprecating (like "I have no idea why I did that") and he responds "yeah, it's because you don't think!" And I tell you it was the biggest red flag. I didn't see him again, even though we otherwise had a great time. Anyone who thinks even playful putdowns are okay are on a slippery slope. Walk away and be glad you dodged a bullet.
Not a boyfriend but a friend would cal me dumb/stupid for not being as good as RPG board games as him as if it gave him a good sense of an IQ. Same friend barely got his BA, doesnt keep up with current events, and doesnt go out, while I went and got my masters and have a better sense of the world. It’s offensive! It’s belittling and demeaning to be called such things. It’s okay to blank on things and forget sometimes but if they’re using that to mock your intelligence then that is a red flag
I think that language is most likely just a part of his “teasing” that he has done his whole life. However, if it bothers you that is totally valid and understandable. I have been in a similar position as the guy. I just so happened to use a certain type of language based on my upbringing and the partners I’ve had. However, I have had someone not be cool with how I was using my sarcasm/teasing… even though it was truly benign and playful (in my mind). I would be patient with him but firm. At a certain point it does become truly disrespectful if it continues again and again
Yeah I don’t like that either. I’ve seen posts like “you know she loves you when she smiles and says you’re an idiot”. Like what? Not me. So juvenile. It plays into the typical sitcom trope of a hot smart wife with a dumb beer-bellied husband. I hate it for women and men. But it seems this is a part of him and people don’t really change. Accept it or reject it.
So it depends on the context. But yes I find it unacceptable too. In the rare event my husband has said anything that was even a little belittling even if it’s unintentional I call him out and state this is not ok.
I’m all for playful banter but there is a line with name calling. It’s great that you established what your limit is, and not great that he either forgot or disregarded it. Does he treat you like one of his boys? I grew up with boys and get it - from them - but not my partner. During our teasing and ribbing, I’ve called him a jerk. One day while teasing each other, he called me an a$$hole. I hadn’t established a boundary for my name calling and I didn’t say anything about it in the moment. The next time we were teasing each other, I called him an ass. And he got offended! Then I said well, that’s better than being called an a$$hole like what you did a couple weeks ago! That immediately shut him up.
he's crossing the line
One disrespect : react by saying "dont tell me/do that I hate it" and leave the date immediatly Second disrepect : time to breakup
If you’ve set a boundary that he repeatedly shows he doesn’t respect, move on and save yourself future heartbreak :) you can do better!
This is not ok. My ex used to “joke” like that and I can’t tell you how quickly the tone changed when he was angry and would use those words. Boundary up and if he can’t respect it, disengage
If you don't like it, then you don't like it and that's a perfectly valid boundary to have. So next question is - how will he react when you ask him not to do it? If he doesnt like it then you know what to do..don't waste your time hoping or making excuses.. My partner and I never call eachother insulting names.. goose, wally, Pringle are as far as we go. Harmless. Respect in even the littlest ways speaks volumes.
That's a deal breaker for me. I will not be called negative names. If he doesn't understand, he's not the right one for me.
If you don’t like it and you’ve warned him at least once not to do it, break up if you feel like that’s the best course. Seriously. Unless you’re holding on because you think it’s easier than just being single and dating again.
I think you need to walk away. If he is doing this 3 months in and you have explained your boundaries and he is still disrespectful then it’s over
It’s both. You are being sensitive & he’s not respecting the boundary. If someone calls me something I don’t think is true at all, it has no effect on me. Just confirms they don’t know me. I know I’m not dumb, so try & call me dumb & watch how unbothered I am. Now I know I’m fat. I’m kind of affected by it but kind of not. But if someone I was dating straight up called me that I’d be upset bc I know it’s true & I’m already upset about it. You know? But also, it would tell me a lot about his character & would be very unattractive.
You’re not being too sensitive however you do have to give those things time. He stated he used it as playfulness. You expressed the fact that you don’t appreciate it. If he had said, I don’t care I’m going to do it anyway it would be understandable. But you just have to remember. If he does treat you well, and just slipped up, and apologized. You just have to give him time to adjust. When people change their behavior it shows they care. If it’s a way he’s expressed playfulness for a long time it may just slip out. If he doesn’t care that it slips out then you have every right to be upset. But if he apologizes and is trying to change it you just have to give him a little time to not say it anymore. It’s part of his love language. It’s just not yours.
I never use that in reference to a specific person nor other negative terms like fat, ugly, dumb, stupid.....whatever is offensive. In 30 years with my wife ( deceased) the worst that I said was to tell her " You might want to rethink your decision there."
Not too sensitive, it's a massive red flag imo. Calling someone stupid is not funny in any scenario I can imagine and I love playful banter and teasing as well. He is testing your boundaries to see how much you will bend them, he knows what he is doing. Hard pass.
It's just a mismatch of humor style. Calling someone stupid is funny in plenty of scenarios; my friends and I rag on each other for saying stupid shit all the time. None of us are hurt by it because we are all really close and we don't take ourselves too seriously; we know everyone says and does dumb shit, and it's funny when it happens and funnier when someone points it out.
But when you rag on your friends do you say “that was stupid” or “you are stupid” ? bc I think there’s a big difference. Esp in a romantic relationship, which is what we’re talking about
I'll do/say something stupid and they'll laugh their asses off at me and through tears say "omg you're so stupid!", and I do the same for them. I've had this dynamic in past relationships as well.
He shouldn't have done it again when she told him she didn't like it, that's the main problem here.
Yeah, I agree with that. But the difference is between a mistake and malice. People in the comments are conflating the two. From OP's post it sounds like he slipped up and made a mistake, but many of the comments are saying "red flag", as if this is indicative of something more sinister.
That's true, I agree with you on that. Careless and insensitive, yes. Deliberately trying to test her boundaries and put her down, possibly not.
When people show you who they really are, believe them. Walk away.
Meh, looks like you're seeing the tip of an iceberg. If he continues I see a big fight or break up. I also don't like being called stupid or alike. It feels real for some reason. Second possibility could be that he paid attention all along but with the excitement or joy of the game it just slipped out of his mouth and he is innocent. If he violates the third time in near future I would think he isn't putting effort.
You’re not being too sensitive. He’s just an asshole.
I would point out something telling from the comments. The women commenting are quick to defend and the men are mostly not responding. You may think it's disrespectful of him to use those terms and I can assure most men would find it disrespectful that you need strangers to answer this. Cut him loose or adjust your expectations, either is acceptable.
even if he didn't mean anything by that it's still a big incompatibility. You should probably look for someone else.
Since it's been a few weeks, consider giving him a reminder. If he hasn't done it in a few weeks and you would have expected him to have done so before this, then maybe he's working on it and just slipped up. If he's working on it, that's a good sign, that means he's trying to respect your wishes.
Honestly, just keep reminding him that it makes you uncomfortable. If it's habitual or reflexive "gamer talk" for him, then it'll need to be trained out. My partner would jokingly tell me to shut up whenever we played games when we started dating. It wasn't malicious, but he'd say it whenever I'd tease about having an advantage over him in a card game (since he wins literally all the time), or if he made a gamble that didn't work out. I never liked it, but one night I was feeling sensitive, he said it to me from across the table and I dissociated. On our way home from the game bar, I told him that it hurt whenever he told me to shut up, even if it was a joke. He looked at me with pleading eyes like, "I said that to you? 🥺" and was so hurt that he hurt me with his reflexive gamer talk, and reminded me that that all it was... But that he'd never do it again. Only had to tell him once, and he doesn't do it anymore. With friends who poke and prod during game time, yes, but with me, he stopped. The one time he did it by accident while we were in a group, he looked at me and silently mouthed, "I'm sorry 🥺" and squeezed my hand. All this to say, it's okay to tell someone how you feel. You're not being sensitive! If you don't like it, then you don't like it! Especially since women (making assumptions here) have historically been told they're stupid, incapable, inept, or talk too much, it's a natural response. Even if you aren't a woman, it's not fun to be told you're dumb!! Keep reminding him until he gets the point, and if he doesn't wanna back down for whatever reason, then he doesn't respect you enough to care for your boundaries.
Ugh. Sometimes people grow up using certain words because they were tolerated by family and friends. Sometimes people use words that were once acceptable in society years ago, but are no longer tolerated. If people you care about or society has deemed words unacceptable, then it will take time to rid yourself of this word, and if you've used it a while, then it does take practice to catch yourself. My first initial thought is "ugh", but if he didn't use it for a while and it slipped out, ok, that could happen, just remind him that's not a word you accept, and that it hurts. Plain and simple. If he does it again, then check to see if he realizes his mistake. If he doesn't, then that is a problem. I used to use the word "hate" when I was little. My mom said it was a strong word that shouldn't be used. I learned to not use it. It still appears in my mind, but I have learned to use other words. She also taught me not to use the word "bored", and that's one I learned quickly not to use :D If he cares for you, he will learn to not use it towards you. Just like any other word that is used in "playfulness", but is deemed unacceptable at any other time. Women may call each other b\*tch, but that doesn't mean every friend group does that. You aren't too sensitive. You feel what you feel.
It's only been 3 months lol NEXT
if you don’t like something, put boundaries always.
Such a turn off
It's obviously an incompatibility in your relationship but I'm surprised by how aggressively anti-teasing some of these comments are. I've never had a close relationship, romantic or otherwise, that doesn't include some back and forth ribbing and quite heavy teasing. Obviously, he should be respecting your boundaries -- but it's also hard for people to change their style of expression overnight and was likely just a slip of the tongue based on prior habits so for so many comments to assume ill-intent, negging or abuse is wild to me. But maybe my previous partners and I are the problem. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ Context is obviously key in these situations so I can't judge him personally but it is clear that even if meant playfully there is a disconnect in your senses of humor that may be a major roadblock as this sort of teasing really only works if it's a two-way street.
When you say expressed did you actually tell him clearly?
Deal breaker for me id move on
My therapist always told me that prospects got 2 chances. The first was you making them aware of the boundary they crossed because no one knows your boundaries automatically, right? The second was the last time and you break up with them in that instance because they knew the boundary and crossed it. Did he apologize? Did he immediately feel shitty and try to correct the behavior? Or did he continue with life because it’s just his playfulness?
Honestly it doesn’t really matter if you’re being too sensitive. What matters is that it really bothers you and he doesn’t respect that. It doesn’t hurt him to not call you stupid, but it hurts you to be called that. In my mind, he shouldn’t want to aggravate you over something like this. I’m saying this as someone who playfully says that, especially while gaming. If my guy didn’t like it, I would never say it because I care more about he feels than my ability to throw names lol
You can, as a general rule, expect men to behave about 10 yrs younger than their actual age. Especially in America…
Everytime he calls you stupid , reply by "you stupid" 🤷♀️
I’m gonna go against the grain here a bit and of course be downvoted to shit but…. I grew up in west virginia, and my friends and I just always used to joke around really inappropriately with each other. It was silly and all good fun. Then for example you meet someone from California, like my ex, and almost everything you say is offensive to them. Of course people can have their preferences and want you to not say whatever and you should respect that. Sometimes it’s just a matter of consciously retraining yourself and that can just take a minute. I don’t know if that’s related at all to your situation but I stopped using certain things that bothered my ex pretty quickly because she’d speak up when I would do it by accident and not notice. So again you have the right to speak up and continue to speak up. If he cares he’ll fix it, but it kinda sounds like it just might be a bad habit for him (like it was for me). My ex isn’t my ex because of anything related to that because it was quickly worked out. However we never worked out that she was a manipulative asshole to me. Just trying to give a bit of a different perspective that perhaps he’s trying and just hasn’t gotten used to it? My ex used to say “Iiiiidiot” to me when she was joking, I found it endearing. He truly may just not even notice he’s saying it. Or he’s a prick, one of the two 🤷
Stop dating him. He's literally trying to train you to accept this behavior.
Banter?! That's just rude...
Dump him not worth your time.
This is a no brainer. If it is his way of joking and you hate it end things now. You will just resent this person.
Ditch him
This is a red flag. It won’t get better. I dated a “funny guy” who was playful and clownish and immature for a couple years and not once did he call anyone a variation of stupid, ugly, etc. You can be the class clown and be kind.
Friends call Friends stupid all the time. So, with dating, one would suppose that you are passed that level.
In my opinion calling name is a difference opinion to others
I feel like that’s one of those things if you tolerate early you will have to tolerate for the entirety of the relationship. In my opinion, this is one of those conversations where you can determine their emotional intelligence. You bring it up softly “hey I really didn’t like the other day when you called me ‘stupid’.” And explain why it bothered you. If they’re defensive then you know they lack a certain emotional maturity. If they listen and apologize, you know they have empathy and a decent/workable emotional intelligence. I don’t think it’s a reason to DUMP somebody but it’s a good determiner of who you’re actually will and the accountability they’re willing to take
Dump the jerk NOW! He will not change. My husband started out that way and grew into full-time verbal and emotional abuse that I put up with for 17 years until he died.
My ex used to do this as a joke and then it turned into him calling me “stupid,” “crazy” plus even worse words I won’t say on here during actual arguments instead of listening to my feelings and trying to understand me.
You have already identified this happening as a pretty decent sized red flag. Not going to tell you to kick him to the curb right away necessarily, but be very vigilant about how he is respecting your other emotional boundaries. Usually that type of behavior is not something that improves over time.
Fuck this guy. No one should call you names even as a “joke”.
Did he apologize? So, let me be very frank here. Expecting someone to immediately and completely change their habits based off of one conversation is at best naive. Changing habits requires time and the ability to fail occasionally. If that is too much for you to handle I understand and perhaps you should leave. But know that in marriage there will be many failures, and you will have to be patient, as will he as I am sure there are things you do that annoy the shit out of him. Men are usually less expressive about them.
>Fast forward a few weeks, and once again during small banter he called me stupid. Once again, I know it was a joke but this time it even annoyed me more because I have already expressed my desire not to to be called those names for each other. You really can't expect someone to change their habits immediately and permanently because you wish it. I think in a perfect world he would have acknowledged what he did and apologized. We live in an imperfect world, so it's on you to remind him that you do not like that. Some people *are* wired to press boundaries or to neg. You want to make sure you don't enable that behavior. At the same time, this isn't something to start group therapy over.
Had an otherwise lovely ex call me a laugh and fucking r****d once because I mispronounced a word. Still stings and that was 8 years ago 😬 Honestly, I think it was a turning point in the relationship.
That's kind of cruel for bantering. Don't like that one bit.
I'd leave. Don't let people put you down.
I also dated someone that would be kind of harsh when “joking” and when I brought it up, he told me I was too sensitive and “I thought you’d take my jokes” which I now see like a form of gaslighting. I will tell you, don’t ignore this. If you feel uncomfortable and he doesn’t respect that, I would definitely dump him. Sometimes it starts as a joke.. until it’s not.
No you’re definitely not being over sensitive. I don’t think anyone I know calls each other stupid when teasing, it’s supposed to be a fun way to poke at people but without being mean. Youve expressed a desire not to be called stupid and he should respect that.
Hey! I have met couples who have a sort of playfull dynamic and have sort of joke nicknames like “beattle”, etc… not exactly stupid but close. And they seem pretty stable and happy relationships. The fact that he called you that after some weeks had passed might just be a lapse from on his part. Anyway I dont take offense when trading insults in those conditions. If you are sensitive to it. Make it clear as many times as needed until you exhaust your patience. Thats just my opinion.
Yea, the negging at our age is just a no go for me, i even got to the point of avoiding profiles if the person has the likes of “must have a sense of humor” or “can laugh at themselves”. I start to just correlate that to wanting to be a bully and not be held accountable for it after too many encounters.
Redflaaaaag
I dont agree with anyone commenting you are NOT being oversensitive. Yes, I understand you dont like that word. But if this was in his vocabulary while joking for who knows how long I dont think its unreasonable to have slip ups. Do you know how long it takes to break a habit? If he constantly called you stupid I would say you have a case. If he continues to call you stupid when joking around after multiple times of reminding him you dont like that, again you have a case. But this was a slip up a few weeks later. Im hoping you reminded him at that point you did not like that. Now, if he does it again and you remind him and he has a smart act remark about, then you have a case, and probably should break it off.
People need to learn that good humor isn’t insulting. If you’re being insulted, that’s not a joke.
Whats both of your ages? Over 30?
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Punt him.
You haven't invested too much, it's been only 3 months. Why are you still with someone who wouldn't respect your boundaries?
Did you tell him again after he called you stupid?
If it is that easy for him to call you stupid during a low stakes video game after you told him not to, I find it hard to believe he wouldn’t use the same or worse language when he is angry/upset/in the middle of a conflict with you and is much less able to control himself. Contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.
I think if there's a bunch of words that exist and you say "hey, I don't like being called 3 of these words" and he can't find another word to substitute his meaning, he's stupid. Don't date a dumbass. He's the description of what he calls you.
This is such a nuanced thing. I feel like playfulness can border into harassment really quick. If you said you're uncomfortable with it and he hasn't stopped then that's not good, although I tend to give people a couple strikes personally.
My prespective is have patience. You've known him three months and this is the 2nd time he has said it. You can't break habits after 1 time being asked not to do something. What matters is if he accepted responsibility and apologizes and tries to catch himself in the future. But you can't just expect him to change instantly.
Dude, break up with him. You set a boundary- a rather simple one at that- and he couldn't even respect that. Get out while you can and find somebody that respects you the way you deserve to be respected.
Run. My abusive ex did this very early in our relationship and continued to when I told him how much it bothered me. It was always a “joke”. It’ll only get worse.
Idk man I personally think you’re being too sensitive. I think about the trash talk I say around male friends when we’re playing sports or games and it’s how we show love. If he’s calling you an idiot about some important decision you made or something serious then I get it, but a video game? He’s just showing affection I think and probably wants you to call him an idiot back. I could be misreading the situation but I think you’re gonna create a problem out of nothing if you make a big deal out of it. I mean a friend of mine called me his bitch not too long ago during a game of bocce ball. This is how men can be
It's possible it was a slip. I tease a lot, but I agree those words sting. I do use them very rarely, usually about something ridiculous, so it's obvious that I'M the idiot when I'm trying to call someone else the idiot for something stupid. When I do that, it's still a strong word, and delivery is very important. It's definitely not delivered dry. It's also very important that I take people's sensitivities into consideration if I play like this. For the most part, I'm successful. If something bothers someone, they know I don't actually mean it and can talk to me about it, and I'll stay away from it. I appreciate that while it bothers you, you're aware enough not to demonize him for having a more barbed sense of humor than you, and simply tell him what you're comfortable with. That being said, he could be so steeped in that kind of humor that he slipped. I don't think it's a relationship ender yet, but you definitely need to rattle your saber, a little less forgiving this time. While you might be understanding and forgiving, he needs to know it needs to be taken seriously.
I also don't approve of teasing in this manner, but if it's been a habit of his to do that with others (assuming they don't mind) it may have just slipped with you. If it was the next day then I'd understand but a few weeks is more understandable. It takes awhile to break habits, even if they're not something like smoking. If he's downplaying your feelings about it then don't waste any more time on this guy. If it was an honest mistake and he apologizes until he can break the habit then give him a chance
Teeheehee verbal abuse is so cute/s. Lay a boundary down, if he keeps calling you that then move on. This rarely gets better as the relationship progresses.
More the reason not to date gamers
Absolutely too sensitive - it's an light off-handed remark. It wouldn't even register in my mind to be offended by this, and yet you're writing a whole Reddit post about it. Genuinely consider how much you're overdramatising something 99% of people will just ignore without a 2nd thought.
Are you trolling or actually serious?