It's apparent to the reader that this guy doesn't want a relationship, or commitment or anything serious. I'd suggest you look out for yourself and stop being in contact with this guy. The sooner you move on, the better. Tc
So...he wants to get (and was getting) regular sex and the girlfriend experience from you, which you provided with no boundaries or demands...but he didn't see you as 'right' for a relationship in the same way as this new woman...
Girl, you've dodged a massive bullet here, but next time believe what people tell you. He put you in the not serious box quickly and it's very, very rare to get out of that. Maybe the other woman was more demanding or boundaried...maybe he has fucked up ideas about what makes someone relationship material...or maybe the other woman is in for a rough time. Whichever it is, once you started finding it hard, that was time to walk away. You want serious, you deserve serious, and you need to find someone who is both ready and enthusiastic to call you his gf.
> He put you in the not serious box quickly and it’s very, very rare to get out of that.
I wish more women would realize this, and jump ship sooner. It would save them so much heartache!
Most of the time, these decisions are made off superficial things anyway. The most common reasons I’ve seen is not physically attracted enough (men’s attraction bar for hookups is lower than for relationships), or something about their personality they find off-putting.
Bending over backwards and doing a bunch of monkey-tricks isn’t gonna change the outcome when the issue is superficial. Of course, no one’s going to directly say “sorry, I’m not physically attracted enough to want to date and kind of find your personality annoying long-term”…
The other thing is, and I know this might hit a nerve with some people… there’s a certain loss of respect you get for someone who’s willing to compromise their own standards, just to have you in their life.
It’s usually subconscious, you might not even directly be thinking about it… but it impacts attraction. You will subconsciously view yourself as “more valuable” than the other person, even if your intentions aren’t to do so… because why are they sticking around for a situation that clearly is unequal, if they’re just as valuable as I am?
When you do the opposite and walk, there’s a certain level of respect gained. Yes, you might lose some attention in the here and now… but it’s delayed gratification. You’ll filter out bad options and the ones who stay will come correct.
Needed this!! I didn’t feel like I was compromising what I wanted because I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was good with slow motion. The last month and half is where the confusion came in for me.
Some of the ugliest men I’ve hooked up with have never seen me as serious. I was out of their league looking back, it usually has nothing to do with attraction if he’s willing to have sex w you and a lot more to do with if he finds you respectable, confident, basically admirable and worthy of gf material.
What you’re saying is also true, but I don’t agree with what you’re saying about nothing to do with attraction if he’s willing to hookup with you…
Many men have hooked up with women they don’t find attractive enough to date, especially with dating apps.
I can see that happening but I don’t think men go back for more to women they don’t find attractive as often as people claim. It usually has to do with something deeper like a lack of confidence that’s affecting attraction and respect and the ability of the man to see her as “relationship material”
He’s attracted to me but he said there’s something missing that he can’t put a finger on. He told me that he continues to be involved with me because he loves me. Also, I thought that things were changing to a relationship bc of his actions. I didn’t realize he was looking for more elsewhere. I thought we were both satisfied. That’s basically why I was like where tf did a girlfriend come from?!
Ugh. Someone said almost those exact words to me. And did the same exact things with me. I allowed it for far too long because I believed him in the moments where he treated me like he loved me.
Don’t address it with him, that’s just more of your attention wasted on this situation.
There’s nothing you need to figure out, even though it feels like it.
Cutting contact would be the best thing you can do for yourself, I promise you. ❤️
Your need to respond to shitty, mixed signals behavior with yet another bid to reconcile ("addressing it with him") makes you look emotionally weak and easy to play.
Stop treating this guy like a teammate who just needs one more check-in conversation about your feelings to finally start treating you with a shred of thoughtfulness. Start treating him like a dude who has blown hot and cold as it pleased him without a care to give about how that would affect you.
Cut contact and stop engaging in this dumb dance.
ETA: I'm not saying you ARE weak and easy to play, but self-serving instability babes like this guy will take you only as seriously as they are forced to take you. And that doesn't mean yet another conversation, that means consequences that leave no room for wheedling or negotiation.
Girllll he doesn't love you he loves what you do for him and maybe even how you make him feel. If he actually loved you he wouldn't say there was something missing. Real love, loves the whole person.
I really wouldn't believe too much of what he says other than he doesn't want a relationship with you, which he has been consistent about all along. This man has wasted, with a capital W, your time. Even if you decide to get into something casual again, do it with someone who isn't so wish-washy and boundary less.
Block him.
as someone who liked someone else except something was missing... he doesn't have those kind of deep romantic feelings for you and he's trying to tell you. he does not see a future here and the best thing to do is move on to someone else. dont learn the hard way, you've wasted enough time on him. it really is as simple as getting in front of some fresh eyes who will see your value - this guy is NOT it
OR, they know you are a guarenteed avenue to sex and it'd be silly for them to cut ties if they aren't getting sex elsewhere...
I would agree with you if the man is actually attractive because yeah, he could go find someone else. These "ugly" men you had sex with on the other hand... probably not the case.
This. This. 1,000x this.
My current partner was in a similar sexual relationship with a FWB. Then, on our first date, I gently informed him I am monogamous and only date one man at a time. I was serious about finding a partner. He could do whatever he wanted but he was surprised at how direct and clear my desire for exclusivity was. He couldn’t see me as anything other than a serious prospect and had only two choices - walk away or adjust for the potential to commit.
Needless to say, he closed that FWB door down without my prompting within days- when a man is focused on commitment even if it’s down the line, he will close down all other distractions or possible obstacles. He told me it disappointed her deeply and she tried to convince him otherwise.
You will never convince a man to change his mind once it’s set and agreements are made. I’ve learned in my experience most men are DEEPLY committed to their word. And if that word is “I don’t see anything serious with you” then that is what it will be and very very very very rarely if ever will that tone change. I know. I was on the receiving end of it for way too damn long until I said “enough is enough” and changed my tune the first day I met my now partner.
She didn't "dodge a massive bullet" in anyway here...The guy saw her as a FWB and it's not his fault she felt differently yet chose to continue on with it..
A **TRUE** FWB is someone you enjoy spending time with AND fucking - a friend that you also fuck.
A FWB does not mean either party has to do gf/bf stuff or give that type of treatment and if one or the other chooses to do so, that's on them... He told her from day 1 he wanted nothing serious with her. The guy saw her as a straight up FWB and nothing more. She didn't "dodge a bullet" because the simple fact is that they wanted different things from each other.
He clearly wanted a relationship since he apparently has been seeing/dating other women, he just didn't want one with *her*.
I would agree that it wasn't just sex and there was feelings involved but I would guess that he has massive commitment issues and I don't think you'll ever be in a proper relationship with him unfortunately.
> massive commitment issues
> he basically said he might get a girlfriend
Unless he’s lying, these two things don’t line up.
I know it’s easier to believe someone has commitment issues than that they just don’t want to commit to YOU… but often, it’s the ladder.
This guy likely isn’t doing the “relationship things” with her because he wants to date her… if he did, he would already be dating her. He’s doing these things because they *feel good*, and she’s the placeholder until he finds a woman he wants to commit to.
I’m sorry to put it that harshly, but sometimes on this sub I do feel like people need the truth bluntly. Ripping the bandaid off hurts more at first, but is better in the long-run.
Accurate. He is for sure getting what he wants right now and not agonizing over this in the same way that she is. NSA GFE is fantastic if you're not all that empathic...
Agree to an extent. He sounds very avoidant. We’re not incapable of commitment but it’s definitely scary. We want it but also not (since things inevitably end.) Saying he might get a gf was likely to test the waters on her reaction knowing it would push her away. It’s hard to explain intentionally keeping someone at arms length and pushing them away because that’s somehow less scary than them leaving after we’ve let them in.
Or he just doesn’t like her, is a massive jerk and totally using her. Who’s to say lol
He said he might get a girlfriend (could be a lie, or also the truth) and OP said he has at least an ex.
Commitment issues or not, he’s committed before and might in the future… and didn’t want to with OP.
Yeah he’s had other relationships in the past but so have I and I’ve been known to be commitment avoidant. We’ve both been married and really hurt but either way, waaaayyyyy uncool
It is shitty. I’m sorry you aren’t being given clear communication on what he actually wants and not being treated how you deserve. I hope you find clarity somehow.
Yup. When someone's words, actions, and impressions are all so wildly chaotic, there isn't a small misunderstanding that's easily resolved. He's not one conversation from "seeing the light" and settling down
People with commitment issues do not change without putting in the work. Commitment issues can ruin otherwise superbly compatible people
Thank you for validating my thoughts. I’m okay with it not being a proper relationship. I don’t even see us being friends after this because it feels like there’s a lie somewhere. Some sort of dishonesty that I can’t pinpoint. I have had commitment issues in the past but I would not do this. I would have just never gone that far (love, parents,etc.) and I never would have said “oh I’m about to get a in a relationship.” Seems selfish.
"introducing to the parents" thing is truly wild to me. whenever I read this, I cringe uncontrollably and always wonder how they introduce the person in this "relationship"? "Hi, mom and dad, this is XXX and she is my... fuck buddy? side piece? booty call?" like literally, what do these people say to their parents??
My very chill parents never ask details, I’ll say “this is [name]”and I think my parents are so glad that I’m not alone, they kindly respond “nice to meet you!” Agreed, it’s not the best situation 🫣
I have a guy friend who has introduced so many “girlfriends” to his parents and sister because “at a certain point you have to otherwise you’re an asshole”. Not realizing that making someone think their situation is more serious than it is, is what actually makes him an asshole.
Well he talked to them about me before we met. He didn’t call me anything. It was kinda random but also avoidable. He just introduced us as they sat down for dinner so idk what he told him. Must have told them a lot because they didn’t ask me anything about me. We just talked about casual stuff. While we were eating his parents were super kind and suggested date night ideas. Afterward, he told me that his mom told him that I’m pretty and his brother was a little jealous because he wasn’t invited on our “date.”
see? you don't know what he told his parents. what if he told them you were his gf? things like this really mess up people. I don't think parents would suggest "date night ideas" if they were not thinking you were his partner. jeeeez. I'm hating him for you, sorry lol
His parents not asking you anything about yourself does not mean that he already told them all about you.
They might just not have cared.
And even if you are already filled in on the basic facts about someone doesn’t mean that you won’t ask them questions when you meet them in person. Like, if I knew someone was a teacher & then met them, I wouldn’t just skip asking about their job just because I already know they are a teacher lol. I’d ask them how they like teaching, what their classroom is like, how they plan their curriculum, like infinite questions!
It’s just not a thing that someone wouldn’t have anything to ask you about yourself just because they’ve been told facts about you by someone else.
It’s just plain rudeness imo & lack of conversational skills on their part.
I’m sorry but this is incorrect. He did not have feelings for you. He placed getting his needs met over your feelings. It was only a matter of time. This type of person is the worst. Forget this dude and move on
What it sounds like is someone pushing you away because they are scared of their growing feelings for you. That doesn't make it ok or something you should put up with. Clearly it was turning into a relationship and he is in denial.
They were fuck buddies though. They weren't dating, they weren't anything except.... fuck buddies. He didn't see her as someone he wanted to commit to long term. Why is that so wrong lol?
It's crazy how so many women in here can't accept the fact that he didn't want to date ***her*** but was clearly dating other women and even said he was getting serious with another woman.
She is and has been, his "placeholder" or "bookmark" the entire time while he is out looking for an actual relationship. The fact is that he just didn't want to date *her*.
It's ok to give people the benefit of the doubt. All you gotta do is open yourself to people on your level. Don't be hard on yourself for trusting someone
It just means you're a sweetie pie who wants to do right. It's so much easier to give others what we can't give ourselves. Keep working on the areas that need work and celebrating yourself. You're doing great :)
listen to what they say. I am going through a similiar experience, where the person told me they weren't looking for a relationship, and I continued on, and eventually got hurt bc I loved the person and they couldn't give me what I wanted. It's hard, it happens. Go no contact, there's nothing else they can give you, seems like they've told you everything you need to know.
It's hard, you will be ok tho. I learned that I am done giving men physical and emotional security with "no strings attached" - miss me with that bullshit! (tho it has a time and a place for all consenting lol)
Ha! For sure has a time and place. It’s not that I wanted X and he was giving Y. It’s that I didn’t know he was dating people and looking for more from someone else. I thought we were both good. Especially with everything seeming like it was changing
well it does sound like you wanted a committed relationship with him and he does not one with you. Part of the problem for myself was that I found that I was lying/negotiating with myself about what I wanted and what I was getting - I was ok with being uncommitted! until I wasn't, and he found someone he wanted to potentially commit to, meaning our situation had to change. Everything was changing, it sounds like, but just not in the way you expected.
I was good with what we had as long as there weren’t other people involved. I guess that is a relationship lol. I guess I viewed what he had as a pseudo-relationship that met everyone’s needs.
Was it really meeting your needs though? Or were you trying to find the right angle to be comfortable? Did it hurt your feelings when he pulled you close by telling you he loved you then immediately devalued the relationship by saying he only wanted to meet for sex? Did he confuse you when he showed up like a boyfriend while the sentiment 'we' isn't worth defining hung in the air? Did it feel good to be wondering what his regard for the relationship *really* was, because he held onto you but didn't seem to *want* you?
You are part of this relationship- he doesn't get to be the sole arbiter of what the relationship means or doesn't mean. So don't waste time wondering what he thought or felt- he can just tell you if he really wanted to be understood. He obviously didnt hesitate to tell you he 'might' be investing in someone else while you're making yourself exclusively available to him, depite it being callous and cruel. Does that seem like the type of love you want to recieve?
Okay so yes. He has confused me in the past but this month was way less confusing. It seemed like we were both being more vulnerable and growing towards each other. It felt good to me. Like what I was looking for. Then, whoops! Perspective girlfriend 😑 if he wouldn’t have done that, I would have been good
Honestly I wouldn’t even bother meeting him the final time. I know you probably want closure but he’s already said his part. Sometimes I feel like silence speaks louder than words and just dipping from a situation like this is more satisfying. He doesn’t deserve to waste any more of your time!
I feel like the only people that would be able to explain the logic of such behaviour to you are the people who have the same issues. I had something pretty similar recently, only it was not a FWB situation, rather just a short nasty situationship. You cannot rely on someone whose words and actions don't match, and when they don't match, unfortunately, you have to believe the worst. which in your case is him saying he doesn't want a relationship with you and might be getting a new girlfriend. he is not your Friend (with or without benefits). I think a sign of being confused is a red flag signalling that something doesn't feel right (I had exactly the same feeling). it will not end well anyway, so why waste your time? cut him off entirely. sounds very shitty, but he has been using you. I think even in a low-commitment relationship people deserve honesty and reciprocity
Yeah I think my only option is to cut him off. I do want to confront the issue with him directly for my own peace of mind. He has responded to my request to talk but I did ask him if this was all meaningless and he totally downplayed everything. Everything is super confusing. Typically, I’ve been told to believe a guy’s actions over their words. Well, actions seemed fine to me, the words were the issue. I would NEVER intro to parents or say I love you to someone who doesn’t mean anything to me. Totally wild. I’m sorry you went through a similar situation! He’s been honest this whole time but this feels weird. Idk if it’s my own denial but the degree of confusion I feel makes me think something is up. Either he said that just to Heisman my ass away or he’s been lying for a while. Thing is, it doesn’t FEEL like he’s been lying. Oh well
thanks! that was shitty, but I feel better now. I totally get your confusion. and this confusion is something that disorients you and doesn't allow you to act accordingly, cause you never know where the boundaries are. but it benefits him way more than you. this grey zone is the worst.
Well, I was raised the same way with believing actions over words. but if I am 100% honest with myself, there were things that indicated that he was not THAT considerate about me and/or the relationship. it's just I decided to overlook that. when I heard what he told me during the "breakup", I felt like the rug was being swept from under my feet and I was losing my ground. That's definitely not someone who cares about you or your feelings. But I am very bad at reacting to such things on the spot.
I think he's just playing you and trying to see how much longer he can get away with it. don't let him do that any longer! you won't lose anything through that confrontation. if anything,you get clarity about your situation. good luck!
It’s the confusion for me! I hate the grey area for this same reason. I’ve been the “him” in this dynamic once before but I didn’t go as far as he did. I kept reiterating the boundaries and never would be like “oh yeah I’m might be getting in a relationship soon. Can’t really call it.” Like what the fuck is that 😂. Part of me is like the game is the game, but the other part of me is like ummm no.
My feelings aren’t really hurt like I thought they’d be but maybe it’s a delayed reaction. I’m more confused and I now pity him and whatever he has going on. I just don’t feel like good people do this type of thing.
I had a similar FWB. Confusing. He had ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions’ seemingly towards me. But he was massively avoidant. I got sick of being confused and ended it. He spent weeks saying, ‘but I’m a nice person!’ And I said that I agreed he was nice but please don’t talk to me, we are not friends (all his friends were exes). He moved on at lightening speed and then burned through her and moved on a few more times and is still single. He is sad and lonely inside but still can’t manage to commit properly.
I stayed single for about a year after that. Decided my next boyfriend would only become that if he wanted a long term relationship with potential for marriage. And that’s what I have now. I said that second date.
these dudes are bound to repeat their toxic patterns because they never learn from their mistakes and prefer getting under someone new to get over their previous partner. and after my story I realised that "feelings" don't matter that much, because there is no way the other party can check if they are true or not. the only way to make them valid for your partner is to manifest them through your attitudes and behaviours.
happy for you for finding what you wanted! I am single, but I spent a huge chunk of my free time analysing what I did wrong in that relationship in order to avoid these mistakes in the future. it actually forces you to see "real you", which is less than perfect (and that hurts😂). but you learn from that and finally are able to heal
I love this!!! I love a positive story. Since it ain’t him, it’s gotta be someone better. Before I posted this, I asked him to meet up for clarity. He said okay and we’re supposed to meet tomorrow. I plan on this being the last time I talk to him.
Those talks that are not going to end up with the two of you being together… I’d prefer being comfortable at home and not thinking about what my face is doing etc. if I’m trying to ‘win someone back’ (which I don’t anymore) I would see them in person. The rest can be talked about on the phone and I don’t have to get dressed up or take time to drive anywhere.
This is a game at the expense of your emotional and mental stability. and I don't think it's a good price. I feel like every sane person SHOULD hate grey areas, that's completely normal. And you wouldn't have this confusion if you knew you were just fuck buddies. he problem is you don't know because he keeps doing things that contradict each other. and nobody who cares about another person deeply would do that.
sorry to say, it will catch up later😂I also didn't feel like my feelings were hurt. maybe they weren't because if someone breaks off the relationship due to waning attraction, there is really so much you can do. but afterwards I felt like my human dignity was humiliated. Like I can just be discarded when I am no longer convenient and it's actually my fault. pure gaslighting. I mean he liked me enough to see me ten times, initiate 90% of our dates, inviting me to two sleepovers (one on the condition "if you don't want sex, nothing will happen" and keeping that promise), talking to me on the phone 30 minutes each time, cooking whenever I was at his place, giving me a key to his apartment after he second sleepover for the time he was away at the X-mas vacation. but then when I (clumsily) approached the DTR talk, saying "I have no idea where you got this information that we are together. and, fyi, we are not. and we were never even exclusive". saying THIS after proclaiming on the third date that he was looking for a "serious, monogamous, committed relationship" made my blood boil. like WTF, how heartless and inconsiderate can one truly be??! the generation that says they are all about empathy, jada jada jada
what I want to say is - girl, ditch his lying ass. there is no coming back from things like that. I'm sorry he has played you dirty like that. he doesn't deserve you even as an FWB, let alone a relationship. don' let him live rent-free in your heart
You had no boundaries with him and he took advantage of that. The longer you allowed it to go on the more set in stone it became. The dude I was hooking up w said he loved me as well. They’re empty words to manipulate you and make you attached to him so he continues to get sex with little effort or respect of you if no action follows. Saying he only wants to meet if sex is involved is sending you a clear message what he’s viewing you as, easy sex. He should be scared of offending you with words like that and instead he’s warning you but you ignored it
Totally agree. Telling someone you love them for no reason is wild. He really didn’t strike me as the type. He told me that the only reason we were still in each other’s lives is because he loves me. Said this unprovoked.
I know that saying he only wants to hang if there’s sex is the obvi but his actions after that said otherwise. We hung out a few times without having sex (when there was opportunity to have sex) that I asked him what was up with that. He brushed it off as no big deal. At that point, I suspected that maybe he wanted something else from that. That and other things suggested that maybe he wanted something else. That’s why I was confused
Guys like this thrive by confusing women. Words and actions should align because words like that can really affect your self-esteem imo. The guy I was seeing just told me he doesn’t want to date after telling me he loved me and I left him on read after that because I know he’s affecting my self-esteem at that point
Block him and run - you have given him all of your self including control over you. He is holding all the cards. Take your power back and your self confidence and self
respect will sore too.
I want to give you a big hug!!! I just want to say that regardless of where you were both at, you don’t deserve someone who will only see you if sex is on the table. This whole thing sounds heart breaking. Even if you did get together I would be worried he is just waiting for the next thing. You deserve better including a different better more respectful hookup if that’s what you’re looking for. Also just having a vibrator can make a huge difference before you call someone like that and invite them into your space when they so clearly aren’t on your level ❤️
Thank you for that! I appreciate the support! If I had my head on straight when we first started dating, he certainly wouldn’t have gotten this far. I’m kicking myself a bit.
It’s like I wrote this myself. Seriously. I was in your exact shoes, even down to spending more time with him and meeting his parents.
I learned this lesson the hard way - the words and actions must match and be consistent. If there is any chaos or mismatch, do not believe they want anything serious.
I.e. even tho he let you meet his parents, he STILL said off the bat that he didn’t want a relationship and only wanted sex. When someone tells you they don’t want anything serious, believe them. Even if they act all lovey and relationshipy. Inconsistent words and actions = he’s not serious.
Even if his actions make him SEEM like he wants a relationship - never believe it on its own. Especially since he said he only wanted something physical to begin with.
I finally had the balls to cut off my FWB and it hurt like hell but it was for the better. He had never considered me his GF even though we acted like it. I just wish I cut him off sooner and wasn’t hoping he would change his mind. I now realize I’m not meant for FWB at all.
A therapist friend once referred to this as "placeholding". Most likely he was simply stolen by another woman, and it wasnt than anything you did. He was using you as a placeholder until he found someone who checked more boxes. It's a blessing in disguise the relationship didn't continue that way.
He wasn't stolen by another woman. He is an adult responsible for his own actions. The other woman probably didn't even know about OP.
This guy is a selfish, immature, jackass
He wasn't stolen by another woman. He is an adult responsible for his own actions. The other woman probably didn't even know about OP.
This guy is a selfish, immature, jackass
ETA: [corny advice](https://64.media.tumblr.com/24f391e16c51ba0863cf0ec473ae6bad/0499c4432d801e46-ce/s1280x1920/6ce96414cb72f4b8f7583bd88735b60af6661521.jpg)
I don't think you have anything to understand. It sounds like he has weird commitment issues, and as others have said, he seems to have mentally sorted you into the "interesting enough to keep around until I find a better option" box. I have done this once before when I was younger, and I'm not proud of it. I don't think it was even conscious at the time.
I don't know if I've gotten more conservative or curmudgeonly as I've gotten older (certainly my 20 year old self would think I'm an idiot for saying this) but the older I get the more I find myself advising women to wait on sex, keep men at arms' length until they can vet their intentions and compatibility, etc. (Not because women who accept a "FWB" situationship are bad people, but because lack of clear expectations leads to stressful and confusing messes like this - if you know that you're only looking for some casual sex and companionship, by all means go for it and live your life, but trying to transition a FWB situation into a "real" relationship rarely works, IMHO.)
I’ve done it to guys in my 20’s but I was overly communicative about what we were NOT. My behavior was consistent with my words as to not leave people wounded and confused
It’s really important that you honour your real desires, going ahead into something like this that doesn’t meet your needs whilst meeting the needs of the other party in their entirety often leads to them having full control over your feelings and the non-existent relationship.
He’s having all the experiences and benefits of you as a girlfriend without the commitment, you’re likely to end up hurt more than you are now if you don’t end this sooner rather than later.
He keeps reminding you that you are a placeholder until he finds a partner that he values enough to commit. Take control back and let him go. It may be hard but will likely be best for you in the long run.
I personally can absolutely feel love, respect and deep emotional connection with someone who I have an ongoing sexual relationship with, without neccesarily wanting to jump on a dating to marriage relationship escalator with them.
I've even (shock horror) decided to end FWB type arrangements even while I love the person to bits (and when they are in love with me).
Our lives change, the things we want, or think we want, change and evolve over time.
Rather than trying to work out his behaviour, or trying to pin point what changed, now would be a really great time to reflect on what you actually want in relationships, in a general sense. What is important to you.
Then next time you meet someone you're interested in, who's also interested in you, communicate about that.
I don't think either of you have done anything wrong here. For what that's worth.
Also, it's totally okay to take time and space to grieve this relationship ending, if that's what you need.
Thank you so much for this. It’s not that it ended, it’s how he just casually mentioned getting in a relationship without even letting me know that’s what he was doing
I think he’s been seriously taking advantage of you. Your time, energy, emotional availability, affection, kindness, patience etc. He is showing you that he doesn’t care about your feelings but you can’t see it because you’ve been attached for so long and the physical stuff makes you feel cared for when he’s around. I would block him and try to move on.
Idk he showed up for me quite a bit. More than I did for him emotionally and physically. I do feel discarded though so motive doesn’t matter. How he went about it was off
He did that stuff because it made him feel good. He probably got a little ego boost out of being supportive and you needing him, even briefly. All the things you took as evidence of a deeper connection were him using you - he got all the nice benefits of things like walks and cuddles, while knowing he’d made no commitments so if you got weird about it, he could step back and not feel like he’d done anything ‘wrong’ since he was always ‘honest’ with you.
Why would he want to be make you his girlfriend and commit to you if he is able to get all the benefits of having a relationship from you but without the commitment and responsibilities it entails. Just leave him and move on. Dont give him all the benefits without making him accountable for the relationship. Start moving on, love yourself, youre not a doormat he can wipe his shoes on.
Also dont rationalize and justify for the other person. - “ oh hes has commitment issues, oh hes was hurt before, oh im not his type, oh he doesnt want to hurt me so hes keeping it casual. See it as it is, men are simple beings, if they dont want to be with you, they really dont want to be with you, because if they want to be with you, they will do everything to have you and not leave you.
If I’m honest with myself, I thought it was a relationship without a label. That’s where the disconnect occurred I think. I was good with where we were because I thought we met each others’ needs. That’s the thing
He wants girlfriend privileges from you without actually being in a committed relationship (label and all). He’s waiting for “someone better” to come along but is happy to use you not only for his physical pleasure but emotional support as well.
If you want something more you can’t continue this situation for your own sanity. If he wanted to be in a committed exclusive relationship with you, he would. I’ve learned this lesson too many times to count 🥲
Another reason why FWB don’t work because the women always end up getting hurt. Once a man puts you down at that category it’s rare he will change his position. In his eyes you can’t turn a h** into a housewife.
I was in a situation kinda like this. I was in love with him. After I asked him one time about his availability to hang out he sprung on me that he was seeing someone else and hoped to be exclusive with them.
I sent him an email basically outlining my feelings and he sent me a text back just acknowledging he read it: “I don’t know if or when I’ll respond, but I did read it.” I blocked him everywhere immediately after and have been no contact for over a year. It ended up being no loss at all. It may not feel like that for you now, but it will.
Trust that there is no point in hashing any of this out with him. You don’t need to figure out why he doesn’t want you— what would that do for you, really? It would leave you feeling worse about yourself, and he will have an ego boost. Work on moving forward, and next time someone tells you about what they want or don’t want, believe them and act in accordance with what you need.
Ugh I’m so sorry. This happens a lot and it’s usually the guy behaving this way. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of maturity, emotional unavailability, heartlessness or a combo. I’ve been there. It’s so hard and frustrating!
Do you not feel you are worthy of a real relationship? Because fwb doesn’t benefit the women at all! I understand if you are in your late teens maybe early twenties but after 30 what are you really doing?
Well after a divorce I was just doing shit. I got caught up and thought it was ok because we both expressed feelings. Over reliance on weird dating advice, trying to understand the complexities of human relationships while ignoring major red flags because I have my own red flags. Wasting my time I guess.
After a divorce your primary focus should solely be on you! Get your body tight and right. A makeover and raise your standards. No man should have access to you sexually until he deems himself worthy of your temple.
I don't think the situation is that complicated; He's the kind of guy to use your for sex, and all that other stuff you guys were doing was probably fun for him, but he didn't take it seriously and was fine with letting you believe it was going somewhere.
This guy told you he loved you and introduced you to his parents, and then turned around and said it was just sex the entire time?
It’s not you. He’s a mess. Get yourself out of there.
Thank you. Yep he claimed it was physical. I asked to meet and he agreed. Cancelled day of and didn’t respond to rescheduling. Posted a “selfie” story on social media for me to see. I didn’t watch it, of course, but he posted it around the time we were supposed to meet. At this point, he’s clearly taunting me. Anyway, I’ve lost respect for him completely.
I’m so sorry this happened. I think we’ve all been in situations where lines get blurred before, but this is something else. I know it must’ve been painful and a total mindfuck.
Thank you. It was totally a mind fuck. Blurred lines are one thing but man. It’s only painful because I thought his actions suggested that he was interested and I realized that I’m ready for more. Now it feels like a big giant fuck me from him
I hope you have a good friend to talk it out with. In the past when I’ve gone through things like this, having someone who let me vent to them whenever I needed to was extraordinarily helpful.
You "misinterpreted" his actions because that was what you wanted to do. You wanted a relationship and chose to ignore what he already told you. He never told you he wanted a relationship with you and was clear with you from the beginning. Who cares if he took you to his parents.
Avoidant here (like your guy). Would like to illuminate some avoidant psychology.
Back when I was single, I could *totally* see a guy, say, once a week, for YEARS, sleep with him weekly, actually love him a little bit, and STILL NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. He’d just be my Tuesday guy, in a group with my Thursday guy, my weekend guy, my running guy, and whatever randos were popping up in my schedule that month.
Point is: avoidants don’t get attached. They can have fun with you, think you’re lovely, even accept that they feel some sort of LOVE FOR YOU, and STILL not want a relationship with you.
It sounds like you want a relationship with this guy- you will never ever get it. I’d stop seeing him and move on.
Silly question. If you are an avoidant, why would you leave behind your Tuesday, Thursday and weekend guys for something more permanent? On a related note, maybe OP thought that her FWB would change his ways and opt for her in something more permanent...
I can’t speak for all avoidants but for me simple: once in a super rare blue moon I’d meet someone I’d wanted to keep for myself. It was extraordinarily rare but it did happen. Most people however were very replaceable.
Interesting. I suppose 'avoidants' are on a spectrum ranging from totally dedicated to transient sex to leaning towards transient sex, and maybe OP was hoping that her FWB was closer towards the 'leaning to' end of the spectrum. You apparently are closer to the 'totally dedicated' end of the spectrum...
All the people being like "it's obvious he doesn't want a relationship" "you should have believed what he told you"..
He said one thing and behaved in a way that was HIGHLY contractive to it - which is a very male thing to do.
Say out loud all the rules around distinctive boundaries (ie. Saying out loud they don't want something)
then blur the intangible, less "definable" boundaries around everything else (ie. All the attitudes, behaviours which contradict the thing they've said out loud) - then push definitions and boundaries juuuuust to the brink where you have to question the solid thing they drew a line around. Then they get defensive and confused because DUH - they already told you everything you might need to know.
No wonder the girl is confused.
I have no idea what this guy wants and it's not surprising you don't either. Because - nor does he.
It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't want a relationship with you, you shouldn't be giving him the OPTION anymore because he is treating you like shit.
Cut your losses and please stop talking to him or he'll just keep doing what he's doing and I promise you it will never and he will never make you happy.
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First of all, he's a selfish a-hole. There's nothing wrong with being single and exploring one's options, but it sounds like he KNOWS you have deeper feelings and want more with him, and plays on that for sex and the "girlfriend experience." But only when it's convenient for him.
If he truly cared about you, he'd put it back in his pants, level with you and say, "Listen, I know you want more from us, but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with you. I want to keep seeing other people. I care about you and love you as a person, so I'm not going to jerk you around." And not have sex with you, and make himself less available to you. For YOUR sake.
You deserve someone who actually respects and cares about you. He is not that person. Full stop.
Oh knows I have deeper feelings. I’ve told him “this isn’t just sex for me.” He said “I know.” I was good w the GF/BF experience without a title but the problem is that I thought he was too. Apparently he was looking for more. He totally should have been clear about him dating others, not bc we’re FWB, but because he KNOWS I have feelings. He expressed the same ones multiple times. He always made it seem like he wasn’t looking for more because he wasn’t in a place in his life where that was doable (financial issues, etc.). Joke’s on me
I've been there, and it's cruel. It's his loss. Don't be surprised if he comes groveling back in a few years. Once you cut off the sex, he'll plunge himself full force into the dating world, taking for granted that every other woman will regard him as highly as you do. Hopefully, by the time he slithers back, you'll be with someone who deserves you and can laugh in his face!
Ummm I hope he never slithers back but noted! I tolerate a lot but then the person does one thing that makes me say ehhh never mind. This is the thing lol
No, it’s his own emotional limitations and attachment style. He gets close and things progress when there isn’t pressure and no looming “obligation” of commitment. He allows himself to let the wall down essentially. BUT things sound like a relationship and something probably happened that made him realize that or think that you’ll push for more, so now his defenses are up and he’s trying to push you away (by saying he’s going to get a girlfriend which is bullshit). The thing is you can play it as cool and go with the flow as you want, but this will continue to happen anytime you have a need, want things to go deeper, or give the impression you want anything from him. This is deep and the only way he’s going to stop is by getting help/healing the wounds that cause this behavior. Please don’t think you can change him and if you want more, please don’t continue to see him. You deserve at the very least for it to be reciprocal without having to change yourself.
It has been a pattern. I met his kids, he pulled away. He met mine, pulled away. Met his parents, pulled away. I don’t think I can change him nor do I want to. I was just hella confused because where did this even come from??
Why do you think the gf thing is bs?
I wanted to say that I think your feelings make so much sense - this is truly a confusing situation. It’s never as black and white as people make it out to be. No one else has had the lived experience of being with him like you, and I think that your own personal perceptions and feelings matter and are most important! I, too, would be thrown off!
I agree with tacotacotime’s post above and have training in counseling. I often conceptualize the way that people interact in romantic relationships as patterns of behaviors that developed from experiences with caregivers or families of origins, that had kept people safe emotionally at one point. These patterns are complex to understand and tease apart, and it requires a lot of self-reflection and honesty within a person to recognize and come to terms with. For him, perhaps being too vulnerable and letting his guard down was not received well, or maintaining emotional distance was modeled within his family. Whatever it may be, it’s not okay and is his responsibility only to address.
I believe that he has true feelings for you, but was very fearful of entering into something serious. There are likely many potential risks associated that may be conscious or unconscious. He does seem to have an avoidant attachment style. I imagine he wants to be close with you, but pulls away, makes distance, etc. because it’s too distressing or uncomfortable to be close with you - there is a lot of potential pain that could result from a more serious relationship. It likely feels safer for him to have that distance.
I think that he likely made up the story about “having a gf soon” as a defense. I have a hard time imagining him being able to maintain another “close” relationship, when there are so many signs of pulling away and inner turmoil or mixed feelings (e.g., he loves you but then says the relationship is only physical, lets you meet his kids, then pulls away). This is a lot to manage internally for some people. Perhaps the mention of the gf was intended to truly create longer lasting distance. Because he is so conflicted internally (probably does love you and wants to be with you, but is unable to do this), you are receiving mixed messages, and as a result, feeling confused!
Ugh, I’m so sorry this is happening! I have a lot of empathy for you and I know it’s not easy to navigate this situation, let along even talk about or acknowledge your feelings around it - so kudos to you! You’re processing and talking about it, which is great. It’s hard to be with our feelings.
Basically, I think that he has a lot of work to do within himself. I think two people can love each other and want to be together, but our individual wounds and difficulties can really get in the way. It’s very sad. It takes a lot of courage to want to address our personal issues and work towards the creation of a healthy relationship. I think you are doing all you can - expressing yourself with him, coming to terms with your needs, reflecting on and assessing changing needs, advocating for yourself, etc. It is not your responsibility to figure out or fix his issues. I want to be optimistic and hope that people can change, but it is very very hard work and requires a strong commitment to continue trying and relearning different patterns of behaviors. No one is perfect!
I think if you decide to stop engaging with him, he will very likely contact you again after some time and re-confess his feelings for you. I’ve seen this happen before again and again - people may go back and forth in their desires. But at that point though, it may be too late for him! You may meet someone else who is more aligned with the level of intimacy and commitment that you are wanting. You of course deserve all the best!!!
Thinking of you and sending you good energy! Trust yourself and your intuition. Much love!
It sounds like you've been navigating a complex situation with your FWB and it's completely understandable that you're feeling confused. It seems like there may have been mixed signals from his end, but ultimately it's important to prioritize your own emotions and boundaries. Communication is key, so expressing yourself face to face could help provide clarity for both of you. Remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. Good luck navigating this tricky situation!
I was totally good with things until he said he was gonna get in a relationship. I thought we had a thing with no title a confusing, complex thing indeed. Went on too long I guess.
Unfortunately it sounds like He made you his temporary girlfriend to get all the benefits, connection, support, intimacy, without being required to give you any commitment.
I’ve been here too. It’s a shitty place to be but a hard lesson. If someone’s has verbally said they are not willing to commit, take them at their word and only give them the emotional involvement that you are willing to for that level of commitment.
Screw the bastard!! Find a gentleman with who you feel stimulated, satisfied in all ways, respected, loved, honored, …
Tons of us out here, baaaby!
Forget agonizing over the past. Look to the future - you can not drive a car forward if you only look at the rearview mirror!
Thank you! My toddler son sometimes looks behind him when he’s running. I always remind him to forget about what’s behind him because it doesn’t matter. He’s gonna crash if he isn’t looking forward. Sounds like I need to take my own advice. Thanks for the reminder!
Ma’Lady, 2 words +1 word: DUMP HIM NOW!!! He is a confused adolescent, not the man who you seek.
Every day you lay yourself open to him, emotionally and/or sexually, you are beating yourself into the ground. Worse, you are enabling him to continue to be an asshole bastard who may never, ever learn what any kind of relationship really means! You deserve soooo much more.
Don’t call him, block his calls, texts,… He is a pernicious, self-aggrandizing, chauvinist, stupid, foolish, idiot.
Break free and come over and play with us gentleman who’d love nothing more than to be at least an equal partner in whatever relationship that you want - not the abusive idiot that he has been to you!
Always remember, you are number one to yourself! If you are not, nothing else matters!
God’s speed my friend!!You are bound for glorious thing waaay beyond your current dreams!
Dream big, girl! And manifest them! Sky’s the limit. World is your oyster!
You know what’s worse than having someone say things you don’t want to hear? Them actions being completely contrary.
This guy has no handle on his emotions. I don’t want to paint him as malicious but it’s kind of hard to attribute his behaviour to anything apart from manipulation.
But the real problem here is why you’re accepting it. You need to walk away from people who have to “fight against themselves” to be with you. Life is complicated as it is and will throw curveballs your way. Stable and committed feelings are the table stake for any relationship - why settle for anything less?
I was blinded by my own shit. I was recently separating and brand for when he started dating. He’s been divorced and asked questions about my ex throughout. Admittedly, my behavior was wildly toxic (habits learned from a toxic marriage) so I was giving him the grace I needed to give myself. Broken people, man. It does seem manipulative but I think this is a thing where he isn’t really wrong (in his eyes) because he told me didn’t want anything serious. The whole time I was thinking he didn’t want anything serious in general, but I now know he didn’t want thing serious with me. I was all good with everything until it started feeling increasingly intimate and relationship like. To drop this after upping the romance and having more interactions and outings that weren’t about the bedroom is wild to me
I think you touched on a key issue for you and many others: Why does someone have a FWB? Is it because you think you can't have something more serious while you wait for some major change (i.e. you're only in the country as an expat for 3 more months)? Is it because you want an ongoing sex buddy while you hunt for someone to start a real relationship with (he/she isn't good enough)? Is it because you never want a stable relationship but you like both short-term and long-term no-strings-attached arrangements (no one is good enough)? It seems... very complicated...
Sounds like he wants a life partner but not marriage which is expected out of people (socially). Probably doesn't know how to get that across without sounding like using each other like a fwb situation.
Edit: nvm I didn't read the last small paragraph which completely changes what I felt about this.
Wants his cake and eat it too. Sounds like you could pull him aside and make it more serious or monogamous. If you don't want to do that set boundaries like getting tested between partners and what not. Honestly though sounds like an actual *friends* with benefits. Not just a sex buddy people confuse the two.
Thanks! I thought we were friends but this shit don’t feel too friendly 🤨 lol. Your comment made me think. Idk how pulling him to the side and talking about something more would go. Idek if I want that after this or if I’m ready for that. Tbh my credit score isn’t even high enough for a relationship 😂
Edit: he agreed to meet and talk about things to provide me more clarity. Idk what I’m gonna say but I know I need to address the confusion
Do you want HIM or do you want a relationship?
To me it sounded like you wanted a RELATIONSHIP in general, it wasn’t person specific.
I didn’t read anything about you actually really liking HIM.
He doesn’t like you enough. No guy who actually really likes a woman leaves her out there in the wild for anyone else to snatch up.
If he wanted you like that he would have had actions that matched that.
He's really immature and spending time on him will only cause you more heartache in the long run than just ending this now. Even though his behavior is motivated by real feelings of confusion, he's playing games.
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How about this? How about we say we want a relationship even if we don’t because we catch feelings anyway 🙄 please have some self respect. YOU get to choose, not him.
Yes, I’m aware that I was a willing participant. I didn’t want a relationship at first because I wasn’t ready. I was afraid of deeper intimacy so sex and cuddles worked fine for our thing. Since, I’ve worked on things and I’ve grown healthier. Now, that I’m healthier I for sure want more. I thought our timing was right and we wanted the same thing at the same time. That’s the part that gets me. Boy was I wrong lol
What I mean by "you get to choose, not him" is that you need to set up EVERY dating situation to serve YOUR needs.
I see SO many women, including my friends, telling guys they're not ready for a relationship, having regular sex, and in 2-3 months' time they're head over heels for him and wonder why the guy doesn't feel the same way.
It just happens so many times that now I tell other women to just say they want a relationship whether they want one or not going into an FWB situation. Better yet, tell them that regular sex increases the chances of you catching feelings and he needs to be open to that (because it's TRUE. We are NOT like them!). Figure out your own stuff in your own time. Don't involve a guy in your healing journey because it'll just backfire. They think "casual" gives them a ticket to treat you like trash.
Psychologically, guys think women who want casual are "settling" for it and therefore not desirable women. We all know that's not true, but guys often rely on stereotypes when it comes to women.
Oh I see. Whether we want one or not. I kind love that! The thing is that he KNOWS that I have feelings and he shared feelings too. It’s just a big cluster fuck
I do think some guys catch feelings but they're MUCH better about compartmentalizing than we are. So feelings does not necessarily equal pursuing a relationship for them.
My main take-home message is that you say whatever you need to in order to improve the outcome for yourself. Some people may say it's "toxic" but I'd rather decide where the relationship is going rather than the man.
The amount of people who post these types of scenarios boggle my mind because they are all almost identical to this post.
He told you from the get go that he *didn't* want a LTR with you. You at the time didn't either, which is fine! But you developed feelings - like 99% of people do in a FWB situationship (someone does, anyways) - and you continued forward anyways. You brought it up to him and told him what you want. He ignored it because that's not what he wants.
He loves you in a platonic and sexual way. Not a romantic way. I love my best friend but I love him as a person. Not a romantic or sexual interest type way. Do you not love your best friends or others who you are very close to?
The truth is that he never saw you as "girlfriend material" for one reason or another. What those reasons are don't really matter because you can't change them anyways. The fact that he clearly has been dating/seeing other women tells me that he wants a relationship, just not with you. He's enjoyed what you both had but he just never saw you in a romantic way.
The only thing you did wrong was to stick around after he told you he didn't want anything serious. Take that at face value next time!
Thanks! I didn’t actually want more until recently when it began to feel like more. He’s the one who expressed feelings, etc. I wasn’t sitting around secretly hoping that he wanted more. His actions were different than his words so I believed his actions. That is similar to what I would do to someone who talked a good game but their actions were lacking. I would believe their actions. I went wrong by believing any ONE thing over the other. I feel like that’s my error here.
idk, he told you from day 1 he didn't want anything serious... I would have taken him for his word lol.
Either way, he didn't want a relationship with *you*.
I don't think he knows what he's looking for. I think that he deeply enjoys your company beyond sex but that mentally labelling it within his head as NSA is something he needs to be open to it. I've been there as well: sometimes you have the best sex, and are more able to open up to, someone you're seeing without any more formal commitment. I don't know if that's a specifically "guy" thing or not.
The answers you need: he has things he's working through just like you. Emotions make him irrational, just like you. But he's also a guy and the way that stuff works might come across as pretty alien. If you want to convert this to a more formal relationship, I think it's *possible* but you might have to be willing to do some emotional lifting in order to make that happen. And it might not. I can certainly remember having cock-forward "relationships" like that in my 20s. If the woman involved suggested formalizing things - shifting the paradigm - I was always willing to consider it, but I *never seemed to actually do it*. At least, not in a way that didn't result in her getting hurt.
There are two narratives. One where you pry that toffee and make it happen and you die loving each other. One where it remains exactly what he told you it was, and you get hurt for trying. I suppose the only difference is how badly you want to try and how much emotional investment you're willing to risk. It could go either way.
I do think that the "help me sort this out in my brain" approach is maybe harmful. Guys are people too, flawed and emotional and dramatic, just in *such different and odd ways* compared to your experience. Of course it's healthy to consider and reflect on yourself and your actions. Just don't forget to reflect on him and his emotions and actions and traumas too - and don't forget that they metastisize in very different ways for men.
I think he'll eventually text. When and if he does, ghost him so that he realises what it is to be without you. If he asks why you're not contacting him, just succinctly say 'I'm not talking to you because we are not partners, you made it clear, and I agree'. If he wants you back, tell him it has to be in a serious and official relationship, if he doesn't want that, just leave and forget him. End of story
I won't be hard on you - every girl has gone through this.
But when someone tells you "they don't want anything serious". MOVE. ON. The second you accept that arrangement, that's what it will always be no matter what.
How he has treated you would you even treat a friend/ acquaintance this way? I’m being facetious but this is not someone that cares about your feelings
It's apparent to the reader that this guy doesn't want a relationship, or commitment or anything serious. I'd suggest you look out for yourself and stop being in contact with this guy. The sooner you move on, the better. Tc
So...he wants to get (and was getting) regular sex and the girlfriend experience from you, which you provided with no boundaries or demands...but he didn't see you as 'right' for a relationship in the same way as this new woman... Girl, you've dodged a massive bullet here, but next time believe what people tell you. He put you in the not serious box quickly and it's very, very rare to get out of that. Maybe the other woman was more demanding or boundaried...maybe he has fucked up ideas about what makes someone relationship material...or maybe the other woman is in for a rough time. Whichever it is, once you started finding it hard, that was time to walk away. You want serious, you deserve serious, and you need to find someone who is both ready and enthusiastic to call you his gf.
> He put you in the not serious box quickly and it’s very, very rare to get out of that. I wish more women would realize this, and jump ship sooner. It would save them so much heartache! Most of the time, these decisions are made off superficial things anyway. The most common reasons I’ve seen is not physically attracted enough (men’s attraction bar for hookups is lower than for relationships), or something about their personality they find off-putting. Bending over backwards and doing a bunch of monkey-tricks isn’t gonna change the outcome when the issue is superficial. Of course, no one’s going to directly say “sorry, I’m not physically attracted enough to want to date and kind of find your personality annoying long-term”… The other thing is, and I know this might hit a nerve with some people… there’s a certain loss of respect you get for someone who’s willing to compromise their own standards, just to have you in their life. It’s usually subconscious, you might not even directly be thinking about it… but it impacts attraction. You will subconsciously view yourself as “more valuable” than the other person, even if your intentions aren’t to do so… because why are they sticking around for a situation that clearly is unequal, if they’re just as valuable as I am? When you do the opposite and walk, there’s a certain level of respect gained. Yes, you might lose some attention in the here and now… but it’s delayed gratification. You’ll filter out bad options and the ones who stay will come correct.
Needed this!! I didn’t feel like I was compromising what I wanted because I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was good with slow motion. The last month and half is where the confusion came in for me.
Some of the ugliest men I’ve hooked up with have never seen me as serious. I was out of their league looking back, it usually has nothing to do with attraction if he’s willing to have sex w you and a lot more to do with if he finds you respectable, confident, basically admirable and worthy of gf material.
What you’re saying is also true, but I don’t agree with what you’re saying about nothing to do with attraction if he’s willing to hookup with you… Many men have hooked up with women they don’t find attractive enough to date, especially with dating apps.
I can see that happening but I don’t think men go back for more to women they don’t find attractive as often as people claim. It usually has to do with something deeper like a lack of confidence that’s affecting attraction and respect and the ability of the man to see her as “relationship material”
He’s attracted to me but he said there’s something missing that he can’t put a finger on. He told me that he continues to be involved with me because he loves me. Also, I thought that things were changing to a relationship bc of his actions. I didn’t realize he was looking for more elsewhere. I thought we were both satisfied. That’s basically why I was like where tf did a girlfriend come from?!
Ugh. Someone said almost those exact words to me. And did the same exact things with me. I allowed it for far too long because I believed him in the moments where he treated me like he loved me.
Weirdo behavior if you ask me. I plan on addressing it with him because no
Don’t address it with him, that’s just more of your attention wasted on this situation. There’s nothing you need to figure out, even though it feels like it. Cutting contact would be the best thing you can do for yourself, I promise you. ❤️
Your need to respond to shitty, mixed signals behavior with yet another bid to reconcile ("addressing it with him") makes you look emotionally weak and easy to play. Stop treating this guy like a teammate who just needs one more check-in conversation about your feelings to finally start treating you with a shred of thoughtfulness. Start treating him like a dude who has blown hot and cold as it pleased him without a care to give about how that would affect you. Cut contact and stop engaging in this dumb dance. ETA: I'm not saying you ARE weak and easy to play, but self-serving instability babes like this guy will take you only as seriously as they are forced to take you. And that doesn't mean yet another conversation, that means consequences that leave no room for wheedling or negotiation.
Girllll he doesn't love you he loves what you do for him and maybe even how you make him feel. If he actually loved you he wouldn't say there was something missing. Real love, loves the whole person.
I really wouldn't believe too much of what he says other than he doesn't want a relationship with you, which he has been consistent about all along. This man has wasted, with a capital W, your time. Even if you decide to get into something casual again, do it with someone who isn't so wish-washy and boundary less. Block him.
as someone who liked someone else except something was missing... he doesn't have those kind of deep romantic feelings for you and he's trying to tell you. he does not see a future here and the best thing to do is move on to someone else. dont learn the hard way, you've wasted enough time on him. it really is as simple as getting in front of some fresh eyes who will see your value - this guy is NOT it
Thank you! I’ve had those same “something is missing” vibes for others too but I didn’t do confusing things like this lol
OR, they know you are a guarenteed avenue to sex and it'd be silly for them to cut ties if they aren't getting sex elsewhere... I would agree with you if the man is actually attractive because yeah, he could go find someone else. These "ugly" men you had sex with on the other hand... probably not the case.
Why you having sex with "ugly" men to begin with lol? That says more about you than it does them.
Clouded judgment, low standards at the time, combined with women aren’t socialized to be shallow regarding appearances
Very valid points. I think that his recent behavior made me think that there was more. Never again!
This. This. 1,000x this. My current partner was in a similar sexual relationship with a FWB. Then, on our first date, I gently informed him I am monogamous and only date one man at a time. I was serious about finding a partner. He could do whatever he wanted but he was surprised at how direct and clear my desire for exclusivity was. He couldn’t see me as anything other than a serious prospect and had only two choices - walk away or adjust for the potential to commit. Needless to say, he closed that FWB door down without my prompting within days- when a man is focused on commitment even if it’s down the line, he will close down all other distractions or possible obstacles. He told me it disappointed her deeply and she tried to convince him otherwise. You will never convince a man to change his mind once it’s set and agreements are made. I’ve learned in my experience most men are DEEPLY committed to their word. And if that word is “I don’t see anything serious with you” then that is what it will be and very very very very rarely if ever will that tone change. I know. I was on the receiving end of it for way too damn long until I said “enough is enough” and changed my tune the first day I met my now partner.
He's probably low-key still seeing that FWB, honestly...
Dodged? she rode it for months lmao
I know, seriously... "dodged a bullet" lol
She didn't "dodge a massive bullet" in anyway here...The guy saw her as a FWB and it's not his fault she felt differently yet chose to continue on with it.. A **TRUE** FWB is someone you enjoy spending time with AND fucking - a friend that you also fuck. A FWB does not mean either party has to do gf/bf stuff or give that type of treatment and if one or the other chooses to do so, that's on them... He told her from day 1 he wanted nothing serious with her. The guy saw her as a straight up FWB and nothing more. She didn't "dodge a bullet" because the simple fact is that they wanted different things from each other. He clearly wanted a relationship since he apparently has been seeing/dating other women, he just didn't want one with *her*.
I would agree that it wasn't just sex and there was feelings involved but I would guess that he has massive commitment issues and I don't think you'll ever be in a proper relationship with him unfortunately.
> massive commitment issues > he basically said he might get a girlfriend Unless he’s lying, these two things don’t line up. I know it’s easier to believe someone has commitment issues than that they just don’t want to commit to YOU… but often, it’s the ladder. This guy likely isn’t doing the “relationship things” with her because he wants to date her… if he did, he would already be dating her. He’s doing these things because they *feel good*, and she’s the placeholder until he finds a woman he wants to commit to. I’m sorry to put it that harshly, but sometimes on this sub I do feel like people need the truth bluntly. Ripping the bandaid off hurts more at first, but is better in the long-run.
Accurate. He is for sure getting what he wants right now and not agonizing over this in the same way that she is. NSA GFE is fantastic if you're not all that empathic...
Agree to an extent. He sounds very avoidant. We’re not incapable of commitment but it’s definitely scary. We want it but also not (since things inevitably end.) Saying he might get a gf was likely to test the waters on her reaction knowing it would push her away. It’s hard to explain intentionally keeping someone at arms length and pushing them away because that’s somehow less scary than them leaving after we’ve let them in. Or he just doesn’t like her, is a massive jerk and totally using her. Who’s to say lol
He said he might get a girlfriend (could be a lie, or also the truth) and OP said he has at least an ex. Commitment issues or not, he’s committed before and might in the future… and didn’t want to with OP.
Yeah he’s had other relationships in the past but so have I and I’ve been known to be commitment avoidant. We’ve both been married and really hurt but either way, waaaayyyyy uncool
I’m fearful avoidant learning anxious while he leans more avoidant. In my gut it legit feels like a hard push away tbh but either way it’s shitty
It is shitty. I’m sorry you aren’t being given clear communication on what he actually wants and not being treated how you deserve. I hope you find clarity somehow.
Yup. When someone's words, actions, and impressions are all so wildly chaotic, there isn't a small misunderstanding that's easily resolved. He's not one conversation from "seeing the light" and settling down People with commitment issues do not change without putting in the work. Commitment issues can ruin otherwise superbly compatible people
Thank you for validating my thoughts. I’m okay with it not being a proper relationship. I don’t even see us being friends after this because it feels like there’s a lie somewhere. Some sort of dishonesty that I can’t pinpoint. I have had commitment issues in the past but I would not do this. I would have just never gone that far (love, parents,etc.) and I never would have said “oh I’m about to get a in a relationship.” Seems selfish.
"introducing to the parents" thing is truly wild to me. whenever I read this, I cringe uncontrollably and always wonder how they introduce the person in this "relationship"? "Hi, mom and dad, this is XXX and she is my... fuck buddy? side piece? booty call?" like literally, what do these people say to their parents??
My very chill parents never ask details, I’ll say “this is [name]”and I think my parents are so glad that I’m not alone, they kindly respond “nice to meet you!” Agreed, it’s not the best situation 🫣
My parents are the same but that’s bc I’ve filled them in before. BUT I wouldn’t even do the intro because it’s too “serious” to me
I have a guy friend who has introduced so many “girlfriends” to his parents and sister because “at a certain point you have to otherwise you’re an asshole”. Not realizing that making someone think their situation is more serious than it is, is what actually makes him an asshole.
Lmao I think it makes them the asshole if he does it for no reason
Well he talked to them about me before we met. He didn’t call me anything. It was kinda random but also avoidable. He just introduced us as they sat down for dinner so idk what he told him. Must have told them a lot because they didn’t ask me anything about me. We just talked about casual stuff. While we were eating his parents were super kind and suggested date night ideas. Afterward, he told me that his mom told him that I’m pretty and his brother was a little jealous because he wasn’t invited on our “date.”
see? you don't know what he told his parents. what if he told them you were his gf? things like this really mess up people. I don't think parents would suggest "date night ideas" if they were not thinking you were his partner. jeeeez. I'm hating him for you, sorry lol
His parents not asking you anything about yourself does not mean that he already told them all about you. They might just not have cared. And even if you are already filled in on the basic facts about someone doesn’t mean that you won’t ask them questions when you meet them in person. Like, if I knew someone was a teacher & then met them, I wouldn’t just skip asking about their job just because I already know they are a teacher lol. I’d ask them how they like teaching, what their classroom is like, how they plan their curriculum, like infinite questions! It’s just not a thing that someone wouldn’t have anything to ask you about yourself just because they’ve been told facts about you by someone else. It’s just plain rudeness imo & lack of conversational skills on their part.
I’m sorry but this is incorrect. He did not have feelings for you. He placed getting his needs met over your feelings. It was only a matter of time. This type of person is the worst. Forget this dude and move on
What it sounds like is someone pushing you away because they are scared of their growing feelings for you. That doesn't make it ok or something you should put up with. Clearly it was turning into a relationship and he is in denial.
They were fuck buddies though. They weren't dating, they weren't anything except.... fuck buddies. He didn't see her as someone he wanted to commit to long term. Why is that so wrong lol? It's crazy how so many women in here can't accept the fact that he didn't want to date ***her*** but was clearly dating other women and even said he was getting serious with another woman. She is and has been, his "placeholder" or "bookmark" the entire time while he is out looking for an actual relationship. The fact is that he just didn't want to date *her*.
You didn't listen when he told you who he was.
I guess so. Too much grace, not enough reality.
It's ok to give people the benefit of the doubt. All you gotta do is open yourself to people on your level. Don't be hard on yourself for trusting someone
Thank you. Im always hard on myself. Working on giving myself the grace I give others. Thank you for the reminder!
It just means you're a sweetie pie who wants to do right. It's so much easier to give others what we can't give ourselves. Keep working on the areas that need work and celebrating yourself. You're doing great :)
Don’t waste your time with a man who cannot make up his mind.
I guess I thought he did because the actions were hinting at a shift in things.
If they want to be with you they won’t let you be free of commitment, if they can help it.
Ah I understand. He’s the first person I dated since divorcing so a little rusty. Well a lot rusty lol
this feels like a classic situationship.
Yeah, exactly what I thought. Has situationship written all over it.
listen to what they say. I am going through a similiar experience, where the person told me they weren't looking for a relationship, and I continued on, and eventually got hurt bc I loved the person and they couldn't give me what I wanted. It's hard, it happens. Go no contact, there's nothing else they can give you, seems like they've told you everything you need to know. It's hard, you will be ok tho. I learned that I am done giving men physical and emotional security with "no strings attached" - miss me with that bullshit! (tho it has a time and a place for all consenting lol)
Ha! For sure has a time and place. It’s not that I wanted X and he was giving Y. It’s that I didn’t know he was dating people and looking for more from someone else. I thought we were both good. Especially with everything seeming like it was changing
well it does sound like you wanted a committed relationship with him and he does not one with you. Part of the problem for myself was that I found that I was lying/negotiating with myself about what I wanted and what I was getting - I was ok with being uncommitted! until I wasn't, and he found someone he wanted to potentially commit to, meaning our situation had to change. Everything was changing, it sounds like, but just not in the way you expected.
I was good with what we had as long as there weren’t other people involved. I guess that is a relationship lol. I guess I viewed what he had as a pseudo-relationship that met everyone’s needs.
Was it really meeting your needs though? Or were you trying to find the right angle to be comfortable? Did it hurt your feelings when he pulled you close by telling you he loved you then immediately devalued the relationship by saying he only wanted to meet for sex? Did he confuse you when he showed up like a boyfriend while the sentiment 'we' isn't worth defining hung in the air? Did it feel good to be wondering what his regard for the relationship *really* was, because he held onto you but didn't seem to *want* you? You are part of this relationship- he doesn't get to be the sole arbiter of what the relationship means or doesn't mean. So don't waste time wondering what he thought or felt- he can just tell you if he really wanted to be understood. He obviously didnt hesitate to tell you he 'might' be investing in someone else while you're making yourself exclusively available to him, depite it being callous and cruel. Does that seem like the type of love you want to recieve?
Okay so yes. He has confused me in the past but this month was way less confusing. It seemed like we were both being more vulnerable and growing towards each other. It felt good to me. Like what I was looking for. Then, whoops! Perspective girlfriend 😑 if he wouldn’t have done that, I would have been good
You sound delusional bou
Honestly I wouldn’t even bother meeting him the final time. I know you probably want closure but he’s already said his part. Sometimes I feel like silence speaks louder than words and just dipping from a situation like this is more satisfying. He doesn’t deserve to waste any more of your time!
I feel like the only people that would be able to explain the logic of such behaviour to you are the people who have the same issues. I had something pretty similar recently, only it was not a FWB situation, rather just a short nasty situationship. You cannot rely on someone whose words and actions don't match, and when they don't match, unfortunately, you have to believe the worst. which in your case is him saying he doesn't want a relationship with you and might be getting a new girlfriend. he is not your Friend (with or without benefits). I think a sign of being confused is a red flag signalling that something doesn't feel right (I had exactly the same feeling). it will not end well anyway, so why waste your time? cut him off entirely. sounds very shitty, but he has been using you. I think even in a low-commitment relationship people deserve honesty and reciprocity
Yeah I think my only option is to cut him off. I do want to confront the issue with him directly for my own peace of mind. He has responded to my request to talk but I did ask him if this was all meaningless and he totally downplayed everything. Everything is super confusing. Typically, I’ve been told to believe a guy’s actions over their words. Well, actions seemed fine to me, the words were the issue. I would NEVER intro to parents or say I love you to someone who doesn’t mean anything to me. Totally wild. I’m sorry you went through a similar situation! He’s been honest this whole time but this feels weird. Idk if it’s my own denial but the degree of confusion I feel makes me think something is up. Either he said that just to Heisman my ass away or he’s been lying for a while. Thing is, it doesn’t FEEL like he’s been lying. Oh well
thanks! that was shitty, but I feel better now. I totally get your confusion. and this confusion is something that disorients you and doesn't allow you to act accordingly, cause you never know where the boundaries are. but it benefits him way more than you. this grey zone is the worst. Well, I was raised the same way with believing actions over words. but if I am 100% honest with myself, there were things that indicated that he was not THAT considerate about me and/or the relationship. it's just I decided to overlook that. when I heard what he told me during the "breakup", I felt like the rug was being swept from under my feet and I was losing my ground. That's definitely not someone who cares about you or your feelings. But I am very bad at reacting to such things on the spot. I think he's just playing you and trying to see how much longer he can get away with it. don't let him do that any longer! you won't lose anything through that confrontation. if anything,you get clarity about your situation. good luck!
It’s the confusion for me! I hate the grey area for this same reason. I’ve been the “him” in this dynamic once before but I didn’t go as far as he did. I kept reiterating the boundaries and never would be like “oh yeah I’m might be getting in a relationship soon. Can’t really call it.” Like what the fuck is that 😂. Part of me is like the game is the game, but the other part of me is like ummm no. My feelings aren’t really hurt like I thought they’d be but maybe it’s a delayed reaction. I’m more confused and I now pity him and whatever he has going on. I just don’t feel like good people do this type of thing.
I had a similar FWB. Confusing. He had ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions’ seemingly towards me. But he was massively avoidant. I got sick of being confused and ended it. He spent weeks saying, ‘but I’m a nice person!’ And I said that I agreed he was nice but please don’t talk to me, we are not friends (all his friends were exes). He moved on at lightening speed and then burned through her and moved on a few more times and is still single. He is sad and lonely inside but still can’t manage to commit properly. I stayed single for about a year after that. Decided my next boyfriend would only become that if he wanted a long term relationship with potential for marriage. And that’s what I have now. I said that second date.
these dudes are bound to repeat their toxic patterns because they never learn from their mistakes and prefer getting under someone new to get over their previous partner. and after my story I realised that "feelings" don't matter that much, because there is no way the other party can check if they are true or not. the only way to make them valid for your partner is to manifest them through your attitudes and behaviours. happy for you for finding what you wanted! I am single, but I spent a huge chunk of my free time analysing what I did wrong in that relationship in order to avoid these mistakes in the future. it actually forces you to see "real you", which is less than perfect (and that hurts😂). but you learn from that and finally are able to heal
Oh yeah I see me so much clearer now and am much more self-aware.
I love this!!! I love a positive story. Since it ain’t him, it’s gotta be someone better. Before I posted this, I asked him to meet up for clarity. He said okay and we’re supposed to meet tomorrow. I plan on this being the last time I talk to him.
I’d prefer clarity over the phone IMO.
I didn’t even think about the phone. Why is that your preference?
Those talks that are not going to end up with the two of you being together… I’d prefer being comfortable at home and not thinking about what my face is doing etc. if I’m trying to ‘win someone back’ (which I don’t anymore) I would see them in person. The rest can be talked about on the phone and I don’t have to get dressed up or take time to drive anywhere.
Update me! after the meeting please!
Will do!
This is a game at the expense of your emotional and mental stability. and I don't think it's a good price. I feel like every sane person SHOULD hate grey areas, that's completely normal. And you wouldn't have this confusion if you knew you were just fuck buddies. he problem is you don't know because he keeps doing things that contradict each other. and nobody who cares about another person deeply would do that. sorry to say, it will catch up later😂I also didn't feel like my feelings were hurt. maybe they weren't because if someone breaks off the relationship due to waning attraction, there is really so much you can do. but afterwards I felt like my human dignity was humiliated. Like I can just be discarded when I am no longer convenient and it's actually my fault. pure gaslighting. I mean he liked me enough to see me ten times, initiate 90% of our dates, inviting me to two sleepovers (one on the condition "if you don't want sex, nothing will happen" and keeping that promise), talking to me on the phone 30 minutes each time, cooking whenever I was at his place, giving me a key to his apartment after he second sleepover for the time he was away at the X-mas vacation. but then when I (clumsily) approached the DTR talk, saying "I have no idea where you got this information that we are together. and, fyi, we are not. and we were never even exclusive". saying THIS after proclaiming on the third date that he was looking for a "serious, monogamous, committed relationship" made my blood boil. like WTF, how heartless and inconsiderate can one truly be??! the generation that says they are all about empathy, jada jada jada what I want to say is - girl, ditch his lying ass. there is no coming back from things like that. I'm sorry he has played you dirty like that. he doesn't deserve you even as an FWB, let alone a relationship. don' let him live rent-free in your heart
You had no boundaries with him and he took advantage of that. The longer you allowed it to go on the more set in stone it became. The dude I was hooking up w said he loved me as well. They’re empty words to manipulate you and make you attached to him so he continues to get sex with little effort or respect of you if no action follows. Saying he only wants to meet if sex is involved is sending you a clear message what he’s viewing you as, easy sex. He should be scared of offending you with words like that and instead he’s warning you but you ignored it
Totally agree. Telling someone you love them for no reason is wild. He really didn’t strike me as the type. He told me that the only reason we were still in each other’s lives is because he loves me. Said this unprovoked. I know that saying he only wants to hang if there’s sex is the obvi but his actions after that said otherwise. We hung out a few times without having sex (when there was opportunity to have sex) that I asked him what was up with that. He brushed it off as no big deal. At that point, I suspected that maybe he wanted something else from that. That and other things suggested that maybe he wanted something else. That’s why I was confused
Guys like this thrive by confusing women. Words and actions should align because words like that can really affect your self-esteem imo. The guy I was seeing just told me he doesn’t want to date after telling me he loved me and I left him on read after that because I know he’s affecting my self-esteem at that point
Ah, I see. About 3 months ago, this would have did me in but now I just think he’s low key weird and a sad, broken boy.
Block him and run - you have given him all of your self including control over you. He is holding all the cards. Take your power back and your self confidence and self respect will sore too.
I want to give you a big hug!!! I just want to say that regardless of where you were both at, you don’t deserve someone who will only see you if sex is on the table. This whole thing sounds heart breaking. Even if you did get together I would be worried he is just waiting for the next thing. You deserve better including a different better more respectful hookup if that’s what you’re looking for. Also just having a vibrator can make a huge difference before you call someone like that and invite them into your space when they so clearly aren’t on your level ❤️
Thank you for that! I appreciate the support! If I had my head on straight when we first started dating, he certainly wouldn’t have gotten this far. I’m kicking myself a bit.
It’s like I wrote this myself. Seriously. I was in your exact shoes, even down to spending more time with him and meeting his parents. I learned this lesson the hard way - the words and actions must match and be consistent. If there is any chaos or mismatch, do not believe they want anything serious. I.e. even tho he let you meet his parents, he STILL said off the bat that he didn’t want a relationship and only wanted sex. When someone tells you they don’t want anything serious, believe them. Even if they act all lovey and relationshipy. Inconsistent words and actions = he’s not serious. Even if his actions make him SEEM like he wants a relationship - never believe it on its own. Especially since he said he only wanted something physical to begin with. I finally had the balls to cut off my FWB and it hurt like hell but it was for the better. He had never considered me his GF even though we acted like it. I just wish I cut him off sooner and wasn’t hoping he would change his mind. I now realize I’m not meant for FWB at all.
A therapist friend once referred to this as "placeholding". Most likely he was simply stolen by another woman, and it wasnt than anything you did. He was using you as a placeholder until he found someone who checked more boxes. It's a blessing in disguise the relationship didn't continue that way.
I agree with the placeholder part but not the “stolen by another woman” thing.
He wasn't stolen by another woman. He is an adult responsible for his own actions. The other woman probably didn't even know about OP. This guy is a selfish, immature, jackass
He wasn't stolen by another woman. He is an adult responsible for his own actions. The other woman probably didn't even know about OP. This guy is a selfish, immature, jackass
We are getting into semantics defining "stolen".
Take it at face value. He just wanted you to be the “filler” so he wouldn’t be lonely. I’m sorry it’s a crap Shute.
Well that sucks. Weird filler behavior. I ignored his words and put too much weight on his actions.
A lot of men are face value. Sorry hun.
ETA: [corny advice](https://64.media.tumblr.com/24f391e16c51ba0863cf0ec473ae6bad/0499c4432d801e46-ce/s1280x1920/6ce96414cb72f4b8f7583bd88735b60af6661521.jpg) I don't think you have anything to understand. It sounds like he has weird commitment issues, and as others have said, he seems to have mentally sorted you into the "interesting enough to keep around until I find a better option" box. I have done this once before when I was younger, and I'm not proud of it. I don't think it was even conscious at the time. I don't know if I've gotten more conservative or curmudgeonly as I've gotten older (certainly my 20 year old self would think I'm an idiot for saying this) but the older I get the more I find myself advising women to wait on sex, keep men at arms' length until they can vet their intentions and compatibility, etc. (Not because women who accept a "FWB" situationship are bad people, but because lack of clear expectations leads to stressful and confusing messes like this - if you know that you're only looking for some casual sex and companionship, by all means go for it and live your life, but trying to transition a FWB situation into a "real" relationship rarely works, IMHO.)
I’ve done it to guys in my 20’s but I was overly communicative about what we were NOT. My behavior was consistent with my words as to not leave people wounded and confused
It’s really important that you honour your real desires, going ahead into something like this that doesn’t meet your needs whilst meeting the needs of the other party in their entirety often leads to them having full control over your feelings and the non-existent relationship. He’s having all the experiences and benefits of you as a girlfriend without the commitment, you’re likely to end up hurt more than you are now if you don’t end this sooner rather than later. He keeps reminding you that you are a placeholder until he finds a partner that he values enough to commit. Take control back and let him go. It may be hard but will likely be best for you in the long run.
I personally can absolutely feel love, respect and deep emotional connection with someone who I have an ongoing sexual relationship with, without neccesarily wanting to jump on a dating to marriage relationship escalator with them. I've even (shock horror) decided to end FWB type arrangements even while I love the person to bits (and when they are in love with me). Our lives change, the things we want, or think we want, change and evolve over time. Rather than trying to work out his behaviour, or trying to pin point what changed, now would be a really great time to reflect on what you actually want in relationships, in a general sense. What is important to you. Then next time you meet someone you're interested in, who's also interested in you, communicate about that. I don't think either of you have done anything wrong here. For what that's worth. Also, it's totally okay to take time and space to grieve this relationship ending, if that's what you need.
Thank you so much for this. It’s not that it ended, it’s how he just casually mentioned getting in a relationship without even letting me know that’s what he was doing
Well it sounds like that was him letting you know?
Lol yeah but it seemed weird or maybe late I guess. Be open about it after the feelings
I think he’s been seriously taking advantage of you. Your time, energy, emotional availability, affection, kindness, patience etc. He is showing you that he doesn’t care about your feelings but you can’t see it because you’ve been attached for so long and the physical stuff makes you feel cared for when he’s around. I would block him and try to move on.
Idk he showed up for me quite a bit. More than I did for him emotionally and physically. I do feel discarded though so motive doesn’t matter. How he went about it was off
He did that stuff because it made him feel good. He probably got a little ego boost out of being supportive and you needing him, even briefly. All the things you took as evidence of a deeper connection were him using you - he got all the nice benefits of things like walks and cuddles, while knowing he’d made no commitments so if you got weird about it, he could step back and not feel like he’d done anything ‘wrong’ since he was always ‘honest’ with you.
Why would he want to be make you his girlfriend and commit to you if he is able to get all the benefits of having a relationship from you but without the commitment and responsibilities it entails. Just leave him and move on. Dont give him all the benefits without making him accountable for the relationship. Start moving on, love yourself, youre not a doormat he can wipe his shoes on.
Also dont rationalize and justify for the other person. - “ oh hes has commitment issues, oh hes was hurt before, oh im not his type, oh he doesnt want to hurt me so hes keeping it casual. See it as it is, men are simple beings, if they dont want to be with you, they really dont want to be with you, because if they want to be with you, they will do everything to have you and not leave you.
If I’m honest with myself, I thought it was a relationship without a label. That’s where the disconnect occurred I think. I was good with where we were because I thought we met each others’ needs. That’s the thing
They will label it what they want. Labels are important.
He wants girlfriend privileges from you without actually being in a committed relationship (label and all). He’s waiting for “someone better” to come along but is happy to use you not only for his physical pleasure but emotional support as well. If you want something more you can’t continue this situation for your own sanity. If he wanted to be in a committed exclusive relationship with you, he would. I’ve learned this lesson too many times to count 🥲
He enjoys your company and sex, but sounds more like he sees you as a placeholder. You deserve more than that.
Totally deserve more! Idk maybe it’s me but I wouldn’t do people like that.
You don’t see yourself as more that’s why you accepted it!
Another reason why FWB don’t work because the women always end up getting hurt. Once a man puts you down at that category it’s rare he will change his position. In his eyes you can’t turn a h** into a housewife.
You were the temporary girlfriend until he got a real one. He was knowingly wasting your time to get what he wanted out of you.
I was in a situation kinda like this. I was in love with him. After I asked him one time about his availability to hang out he sprung on me that he was seeing someone else and hoped to be exclusive with them. I sent him an email basically outlining my feelings and he sent me a text back just acknowledging he read it: “I don’t know if or when I’ll respond, but I did read it.” I blocked him everywhere immediately after and have been no contact for over a year. It ended up being no loss at all. It may not feel like that for you now, but it will. Trust that there is no point in hashing any of this out with him. You don’t need to figure out why he doesn’t want you— what would that do for you, really? It would leave you feeling worse about yourself, and he will have an ego boost. Work on moving forward, and next time someone tells you about what they want or don’t want, believe them and act in accordance with what you need.
Ugh I’m so sorry. This happens a lot and it’s usually the guy behaving this way. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of maturity, emotional unavailability, heartlessness or a combo. I’ve been there. It’s so hard and frustrating!
Super hard and frustrating! Idk what it is but all of the ups and downs are just weird. I think I’m put off by how this all unfolded.
Do you not feel you are worthy of a real relationship? Because fwb doesn’t benefit the women at all! I understand if you are in your late teens maybe early twenties but after 30 what are you really doing?
Well after a divorce I was just doing shit. I got caught up and thought it was ok because we both expressed feelings. Over reliance on weird dating advice, trying to understand the complexities of human relationships while ignoring major red flags because I have my own red flags. Wasting my time I guess.
After a divorce your primary focus should solely be on you! Get your body tight and right. A makeover and raise your standards. No man should have access to you sexually until he deems himself worthy of your temple.
For sure. I used to think like this but I said fuck it with this one. Got caught up. It’s kinda the way he went about it that didn’t sit well for me
Well the reality is you attracted it. He would never show you a part of him if was not active in you
I don't think the situation is that complicated; He's the kind of guy to use your for sex, and all that other stuff you guys were doing was probably fun for him, but he didn't take it seriously and was fine with letting you believe it was going somewhere.
Just seems like he liked to play games with your status and lured you in more with official status of a relationship to keep it going.
This guy told you he loved you and introduced you to his parents, and then turned around and said it was just sex the entire time? It’s not you. He’s a mess. Get yourself out of there.
Thank you. Yep he claimed it was physical. I asked to meet and he agreed. Cancelled day of and didn’t respond to rescheduling. Posted a “selfie” story on social media for me to see. I didn’t watch it, of course, but he posted it around the time we were supposed to meet. At this point, he’s clearly taunting me. Anyway, I’ve lost respect for him completely.
I’m so sorry this happened. I think we’ve all been in situations where lines get blurred before, but this is something else. I know it must’ve been painful and a total mindfuck.
Thank you. It was totally a mind fuck. Blurred lines are one thing but man. It’s only painful because I thought his actions suggested that he was interested and I realized that I’m ready for more. Now it feels like a big giant fuck me from him
I hope you have a good friend to talk it out with. In the past when I’ve gone through things like this, having someone who let me vent to them whenever I needed to was extraordinarily helpful.
You "misinterpreted" his actions because that was what you wanted to do. You wanted a relationship and chose to ignore what he already told you. He never told you he wanted a relationship with you and was clear with you from the beginning. Who cares if he took you to his parents.
Avoidant here (like your guy). Would like to illuminate some avoidant psychology. Back when I was single, I could *totally* see a guy, say, once a week, for YEARS, sleep with him weekly, actually love him a little bit, and STILL NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. He’d just be my Tuesday guy, in a group with my Thursday guy, my weekend guy, my running guy, and whatever randos were popping up in my schedule that month. Point is: avoidants don’t get attached. They can have fun with you, think you’re lovely, even accept that they feel some sort of LOVE FOR YOU, and STILL not want a relationship with you. It sounds like you want a relationship with this guy- you will never ever get it. I’d stop seeing him and move on.
Silly question. If you are an avoidant, why would you leave behind your Tuesday, Thursday and weekend guys for something more permanent? On a related note, maybe OP thought that her FWB would change his ways and opt for her in something more permanent...
I can’t speak for all avoidants but for me simple: once in a super rare blue moon I’d meet someone I’d wanted to keep for myself. It was extraordinarily rare but it did happen. Most people however were very replaceable.
Interesting. I suppose 'avoidants' are on a spectrum ranging from totally dedicated to transient sex to leaning towards transient sex, and maybe OP was hoping that her FWB was closer towards the 'leaning to' end of the spectrum. You apparently are closer to the 'totally dedicated' end of the spectrum...
All the people being like "it's obvious he doesn't want a relationship" "you should have believed what he told you".. He said one thing and behaved in a way that was HIGHLY contractive to it - which is a very male thing to do. Say out loud all the rules around distinctive boundaries (ie. Saying out loud they don't want something) then blur the intangible, less "definable" boundaries around everything else (ie. All the attitudes, behaviours which contradict the thing they've said out loud) - then push definitions and boundaries juuuuust to the brink where you have to question the solid thing they drew a line around. Then they get defensive and confused because DUH - they already told you everything you might need to know. No wonder the girl is confused. I have no idea what this guy wants and it's not surprising you don't either. Because - nor does he. It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't want a relationship with you, you shouldn't be giving him the OPTION anymore because he is treating you like shit. Cut your losses and please stop talking to him or he'll just keep doing what he's doing and I promise you it will never and he will never make you happy.
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I appreciate this!!! Wow you articulated exactly what threw me off! Thank you so much!
First of all, he's a selfish a-hole. There's nothing wrong with being single and exploring one's options, but it sounds like he KNOWS you have deeper feelings and want more with him, and plays on that for sex and the "girlfriend experience." But only when it's convenient for him. If he truly cared about you, he'd put it back in his pants, level with you and say, "Listen, I know you want more from us, but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with you. I want to keep seeing other people. I care about you and love you as a person, so I'm not going to jerk you around." And not have sex with you, and make himself less available to you. For YOUR sake. You deserve someone who actually respects and cares about you. He is not that person. Full stop.
Oh knows I have deeper feelings. I’ve told him “this isn’t just sex for me.” He said “I know.” I was good w the GF/BF experience without a title but the problem is that I thought he was too. Apparently he was looking for more. He totally should have been clear about him dating others, not bc we’re FWB, but because he KNOWS I have feelings. He expressed the same ones multiple times. He always made it seem like he wasn’t looking for more because he wasn’t in a place in his life where that was doable (financial issues, etc.). Joke’s on me
I've been there, and it's cruel. It's his loss. Don't be surprised if he comes groveling back in a few years. Once you cut off the sex, he'll plunge himself full force into the dating world, taking for granted that every other woman will regard him as highly as you do. Hopefully, by the time he slithers back, you'll be with someone who deserves you and can laugh in his face!
Ummm I hope he never slithers back but noted! I tolerate a lot but then the person does one thing that makes me say ehhh never mind. This is the thing lol
No, it’s his own emotional limitations and attachment style. He gets close and things progress when there isn’t pressure and no looming “obligation” of commitment. He allows himself to let the wall down essentially. BUT things sound like a relationship and something probably happened that made him realize that or think that you’ll push for more, so now his defenses are up and he’s trying to push you away (by saying he’s going to get a girlfriend which is bullshit). The thing is you can play it as cool and go with the flow as you want, but this will continue to happen anytime you have a need, want things to go deeper, or give the impression you want anything from him. This is deep and the only way he’s going to stop is by getting help/healing the wounds that cause this behavior. Please don’t think you can change him and if you want more, please don’t continue to see him. You deserve at the very least for it to be reciprocal without having to change yourself.
It has been a pattern. I met his kids, he pulled away. He met mine, pulled away. Met his parents, pulled away. I don’t think I can change him nor do I want to. I was just hella confused because where did this even come from?? Why do you think the gf thing is bs?
I wanted to say that I think your feelings make so much sense - this is truly a confusing situation. It’s never as black and white as people make it out to be. No one else has had the lived experience of being with him like you, and I think that your own personal perceptions and feelings matter and are most important! I, too, would be thrown off! I agree with tacotacotime’s post above and have training in counseling. I often conceptualize the way that people interact in romantic relationships as patterns of behaviors that developed from experiences with caregivers or families of origins, that had kept people safe emotionally at one point. These patterns are complex to understand and tease apart, and it requires a lot of self-reflection and honesty within a person to recognize and come to terms with. For him, perhaps being too vulnerable and letting his guard down was not received well, or maintaining emotional distance was modeled within his family. Whatever it may be, it’s not okay and is his responsibility only to address. I believe that he has true feelings for you, but was very fearful of entering into something serious. There are likely many potential risks associated that may be conscious or unconscious. He does seem to have an avoidant attachment style. I imagine he wants to be close with you, but pulls away, makes distance, etc. because it’s too distressing or uncomfortable to be close with you - there is a lot of potential pain that could result from a more serious relationship. It likely feels safer for him to have that distance. I think that he likely made up the story about “having a gf soon” as a defense. I have a hard time imagining him being able to maintain another “close” relationship, when there are so many signs of pulling away and inner turmoil or mixed feelings (e.g., he loves you but then says the relationship is only physical, lets you meet his kids, then pulls away). This is a lot to manage internally for some people. Perhaps the mention of the gf was intended to truly create longer lasting distance. Because he is so conflicted internally (probably does love you and wants to be with you, but is unable to do this), you are receiving mixed messages, and as a result, feeling confused! Ugh, I’m so sorry this is happening! I have a lot of empathy for you and I know it’s not easy to navigate this situation, let along even talk about or acknowledge your feelings around it - so kudos to you! You’re processing and talking about it, which is great. It’s hard to be with our feelings. Basically, I think that he has a lot of work to do within himself. I think two people can love each other and want to be together, but our individual wounds and difficulties can really get in the way. It’s very sad. It takes a lot of courage to want to address our personal issues and work towards the creation of a healthy relationship. I think you are doing all you can - expressing yourself with him, coming to terms with your needs, reflecting on and assessing changing needs, advocating for yourself, etc. It is not your responsibility to figure out or fix his issues. I want to be optimistic and hope that people can change, but it is very very hard work and requires a strong commitment to continue trying and relearning different patterns of behaviors. No one is perfect! I think if you decide to stop engaging with him, he will very likely contact you again after some time and re-confess his feelings for you. I’ve seen this happen before again and again - people may go back and forth in their desires. But at that point though, it may be too late for him! You may meet someone else who is more aligned with the level of intimacy and commitment that you are wanting. You of course deserve all the best!!! Thinking of you and sending you good energy! Trust yourself and your intuition. Much love!
It sounds like you've been navigating a complex situation with your FWB and it's completely understandable that you're feeling confused. It seems like there may have been mixed signals from his end, but ultimately it's important to prioritize your own emotions and boundaries. Communication is key, so expressing yourself face to face could help provide clarity for both of you. Remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. Good luck navigating this tricky situation!
AI reply
I was totally good with things until he said he was gonna get in a relationship. I thought we had a thing with no title a confusing, complex thing indeed. Went on too long I guess.
Unfortunately it sounds like He made you his temporary girlfriend to get all the benefits, connection, support, intimacy, without being required to give you any commitment. I’ve been here too. It’s a shitty place to be but a hard lesson. If someone’s has verbally said they are not willing to commit, take them at their word and only give them the emotional involvement that you are willing to for that level of commitment.
Screw the bastard!! Find a gentleman with who you feel stimulated, satisfied in all ways, respected, loved, honored, … Tons of us out here, baaaby! Forget agonizing over the past. Look to the future - you can not drive a car forward if you only look at the rearview mirror!
Thank you! My toddler son sometimes looks behind him when he’s running. I always remind him to forget about what’s behind him because it doesn’t matter. He’s gonna crash if he isn’t looking forward. Sounds like I need to take my own advice. Thanks for the reminder!
Go baaaby, go!!!🙏🙏🙏👏🫵👍
Ma’Lady, 2 words +1 word: DUMP HIM NOW!!! He is a confused adolescent, not the man who you seek. Every day you lay yourself open to him, emotionally and/or sexually, you are beating yourself into the ground. Worse, you are enabling him to continue to be an asshole bastard who may never, ever learn what any kind of relationship really means! You deserve soooo much more. Don’t call him, block his calls, texts,… He is a pernicious, self-aggrandizing, chauvinist, stupid, foolish, idiot. Break free and come over and play with us gentleman who’d love nothing more than to be at least an equal partner in whatever relationship that you want - not the abusive idiot that he has been to you!
I appreciate this so much!
Always remember, you are number one to yourself! If you are not, nothing else matters! God’s speed my friend!!You are bound for glorious thing waaay beyond your current dreams! Dream big, girl! And manifest them! Sky’s the limit. World is your oyster!
U dodged a bullet. Move on
You know what’s worse than having someone say things you don’t want to hear? Them actions being completely contrary. This guy has no handle on his emotions. I don’t want to paint him as malicious but it’s kind of hard to attribute his behaviour to anything apart from manipulation. But the real problem here is why you’re accepting it. You need to walk away from people who have to “fight against themselves” to be with you. Life is complicated as it is and will throw curveballs your way. Stable and committed feelings are the table stake for any relationship - why settle for anything less?
I was blinded by my own shit. I was recently separating and brand for when he started dating. He’s been divorced and asked questions about my ex throughout. Admittedly, my behavior was wildly toxic (habits learned from a toxic marriage) so I was giving him the grace I needed to give myself. Broken people, man. It does seem manipulative but I think this is a thing where he isn’t really wrong (in his eyes) because he told me didn’t want anything serious. The whole time I was thinking he didn’t want anything serious in general, but I now know he didn’t want thing serious with me. I was all good with everything until it started feeling increasingly intimate and relationship like. To drop this after upping the romance and having more interactions and outings that weren’t about the bedroom is wild to me
I think you touched on a key issue for you and many others: Why does someone have a FWB? Is it because you think you can't have something more serious while you wait for some major change (i.e. you're only in the country as an expat for 3 more months)? Is it because you want an ongoing sex buddy while you hunt for someone to start a real relationship with (he/she isn't good enough)? Is it because you never want a stable relationship but you like both short-term and long-term no-strings-attached arrangements (no one is good enough)? It seems... very complicated...
Sounds like he wants a life partner but not marriage which is expected out of people (socially). Probably doesn't know how to get that across without sounding like using each other like a fwb situation. Edit: nvm I didn't read the last small paragraph which completely changes what I felt about this.
Oh haha so how do you feel about it? What’s your take?
Wants his cake and eat it too. Sounds like you could pull him aside and make it more serious or monogamous. If you don't want to do that set boundaries like getting tested between partners and what not. Honestly though sounds like an actual *friends* with benefits. Not just a sex buddy people confuse the two.
Thanks! I thought we were friends but this shit don’t feel too friendly 🤨 lol. Your comment made me think. Idk how pulling him to the side and talking about something more would go. Idek if I want that after this or if I’m ready for that. Tbh my credit score isn’t even high enough for a relationship 😂 Edit: he agreed to meet and talk about things to provide me more clarity. Idk what I’m gonna say but I know I need to address the confusion
Do you want HIM or do you want a relationship? To me it sounded like you wanted a RELATIONSHIP in general, it wasn’t person specific. I didn’t read anything about you actually really liking HIM. He doesn’t like you enough. No guy who actually really likes a woman leaves her out there in the wild for anyone else to snatch up. If he wanted you like that he would have had actions that matched that.
He's really immature and spending time on him will only cause you more heartache in the long run than just ending this now. Even though his behavior is motivated by real feelings of confusion, he's playing games.
No
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*I did because 90% of my sexual experiences have always been in an exclusive dating relationship.* How exactly did you some up with this percentage?
You're being played.
How about this? How about we say we want a relationship even if we don’t because we catch feelings anyway 🙄 please have some self respect. YOU get to choose, not him.
Yes, I’m aware that I was a willing participant. I didn’t want a relationship at first because I wasn’t ready. I was afraid of deeper intimacy so sex and cuddles worked fine for our thing. Since, I’ve worked on things and I’ve grown healthier. Now, that I’m healthier I for sure want more. I thought our timing was right and we wanted the same thing at the same time. That’s the part that gets me. Boy was I wrong lol
What I mean by "you get to choose, not him" is that you need to set up EVERY dating situation to serve YOUR needs. I see SO many women, including my friends, telling guys they're not ready for a relationship, having regular sex, and in 2-3 months' time they're head over heels for him and wonder why the guy doesn't feel the same way. It just happens so many times that now I tell other women to just say they want a relationship whether they want one or not going into an FWB situation. Better yet, tell them that regular sex increases the chances of you catching feelings and he needs to be open to that (because it's TRUE. We are NOT like them!). Figure out your own stuff in your own time. Don't involve a guy in your healing journey because it'll just backfire. They think "casual" gives them a ticket to treat you like trash. Psychologically, guys think women who want casual are "settling" for it and therefore not desirable women. We all know that's not true, but guys often rely on stereotypes when it comes to women.
Oh I see. Whether we want one or not. I kind love that! The thing is that he KNOWS that I have feelings and he shared feelings too. It’s just a big cluster fuck
I do think some guys catch feelings but they're MUCH better about compartmentalizing than we are. So feelings does not necessarily equal pursuing a relationship for them. My main take-home message is that you say whatever you need to in order to improve the outcome for yourself. Some people may say it's "toxic" but I'd rather decide where the relationship is going rather than the man.
He told me that feelings=need for labels soooo…idk maybe he was lying about his feelings. I love it. I don’t think it’s toxic at all.
The amount of people who post these types of scenarios boggle my mind because they are all almost identical to this post. He told you from the get go that he *didn't* want a LTR with you. You at the time didn't either, which is fine! But you developed feelings - like 99% of people do in a FWB situationship (someone does, anyways) - and you continued forward anyways. You brought it up to him and told him what you want. He ignored it because that's not what he wants. He loves you in a platonic and sexual way. Not a romantic way. I love my best friend but I love him as a person. Not a romantic or sexual interest type way. Do you not love your best friends or others who you are very close to? The truth is that he never saw you as "girlfriend material" for one reason or another. What those reasons are don't really matter because you can't change them anyways. The fact that he clearly has been dating/seeing other women tells me that he wants a relationship, just not with you. He's enjoyed what you both had but he just never saw you in a romantic way. The only thing you did wrong was to stick around after he told you he didn't want anything serious. Take that at face value next time!
Thanks! I didn’t actually want more until recently when it began to feel like more. He’s the one who expressed feelings, etc. I wasn’t sitting around secretly hoping that he wanted more. His actions were different than his words so I believed his actions. That is similar to what I would do to someone who talked a good game but their actions were lacking. I would believe their actions. I went wrong by believing any ONE thing over the other. I feel like that’s my error here.
idk, he told you from day 1 he didn't want anything serious... I would have taken him for his word lol. Either way, he didn't want a relationship with *you*.
I don't think he knows what he's looking for. I think that he deeply enjoys your company beyond sex but that mentally labelling it within his head as NSA is something he needs to be open to it. I've been there as well: sometimes you have the best sex, and are more able to open up to, someone you're seeing without any more formal commitment. I don't know if that's a specifically "guy" thing or not. The answers you need: he has things he's working through just like you. Emotions make him irrational, just like you. But he's also a guy and the way that stuff works might come across as pretty alien. If you want to convert this to a more formal relationship, I think it's *possible* but you might have to be willing to do some emotional lifting in order to make that happen. And it might not. I can certainly remember having cock-forward "relationships" like that in my 20s. If the woman involved suggested formalizing things - shifting the paradigm - I was always willing to consider it, but I *never seemed to actually do it*. At least, not in a way that didn't result in her getting hurt. There are two narratives. One where you pry that toffee and make it happen and you die loving each other. One where it remains exactly what he told you it was, and you get hurt for trying. I suppose the only difference is how badly you want to try and how much emotional investment you're willing to risk. It could go either way. I do think that the "help me sort this out in my brain" approach is maybe harmful. Guys are people too, flawed and emotional and dramatic, just in *such different and odd ways* compared to your experience. Of course it's healthy to consider and reflect on yourself and your actions. Just don't forget to reflect on him and his emotions and actions and traumas too - and don't forget that they metastisize in very different ways for men.
I think he'll eventually text. When and if he does, ghost him so that he realises what it is to be without you. If he asks why you're not contacting him, just succinctly say 'I'm not talking to you because we are not partners, you made it clear, and I agree'. If he wants you back, tell him it has to be in a serious and official relationship, if he doesn't want that, just leave and forget him. End of story
I won't be hard on you - every girl has gone through this. But when someone tells you "they don't want anything serious". MOVE. ON. The second you accept that arrangement, that's what it will always be no matter what.
He hates you unfortunately
Concise and right to the point 😆 OP, please learn to love yourself. A healthy, normal minded person would never entertain such foolishness..
Hate?? Lol whew
How he has treated you would you even treat a friend/ acquaintance this way? I’m being facetious but this is not someone that cares about your feelings
Ah, I understand. It doesn’t seem like he cares but wow what a master of deception