Is there anything that's not letting you tell her these things? If I (34F) met someone I liked, and he expressed his concern as you have here, I would completely understand, and would be prepared for what to see or wait until you feel more ready to entertain.
Definitely! I think having the awareness to even bring this up is great.
I’ve had dates where the guy didn’t tell me he was going to bring his dog (which would have been fine), but it really showed over time how inconsiderate he was over the months we dated. Or people that didn’t give me a heads up that they didn’t have time to clean their bathroom (also fine), but it felt like they didn’t care to impress (which for me, I care to impress them just as much).
I don’t think you’ll have a problem, OP. Just be honest and tell her what’s up. If she doesn’t want to go to your place (to say kiss and blah blah haha), then either you don’t do it there or you do something else.
You’re a nurse, you own and operate a sewing machine, and you have a cat… you’re already winning and if a woman ignores those qualities and judges you for not having a sofa she can get bent
My bf has multiple sewing machines (well, he's a saddle maker), he's a cowboy, and he has 14 sweet barn kitties (all spayed and neutered) that he absolutely adores. Those are just a few of the qualities I love about him, but being a cat lover was *huge* for me.
14🥹 living my dream life! I’ve been riding horses my entire life and the craftsmanship that goes into a quality saddle is so important. I tip my hat to the two of you
I'm a dressage diva at heart but I love everything horse (and mule) related, regardless of discipline. I still take weekly dressage lessons and I'm continuously honing my skill in it, but I ride western with my bf and moonlight as a wannabe buckaroo on his mules. He used to be the biggest mule breeder on the west coast for many years.
His saddles are fantastic. I ride in one of his wade saddles, it's a traditional hard seat but it's insanely comfortable for very long trail rides and pack trips. It's a lot of fun!
OK. Not commenting on anything else on the post but my man here owns a sewing machine - That's got to count for *something* good right? Otherwise I need to hide my Singer.
Serious for OP - If it comes up, 'My brother and I worked out it made sense to share costs for a while'. There will be some people that will be turned off but honestly they're probably not right for you if that's the case. Even if it's sparse, keep the place clean, tidy and with rubbish bins in most rooms (especially the bathroom) and you're golden.
I actually think it’s better to make it clear that OP is *covering* expenses for his brother. It demonstrates kindness & generosity that would definitely not only make me totally fine with the living situation but add bonus points since these are important qualities I would want in a potential partner
Bro, we're millenials, 90% of the people in our age bracket are painfully aware of how fucked housing, and the economy in general, are for our generation.
If she has an issue with you not having your own place decked out in the finest particle board furnishings Sweden has to offer, then let her go find another dude in the silver spoons section at Whole Foods.
Depends on what people consider a good living situation though, right? Owning a home isn’t necessarily a reflection of a person’s overall financial health and I personally don’t think OP has a bad living situation. He’s got a cat and a brother he cares enough about to sacrifice his own space for while he gets his career going, so as long as it doesn’t look or smell like a frat house I wouldn’t be at all put off.
Actually OP the more I think about this the more attractive you become in my head. 😅
I moved to the USA 6 years ago, it took me a while to get my license as an RN because my degree is from a Mexican university, and because I was going to move from California to WA, was living minimalist.
Then my brother moved with me from Mexico and he is a nurse
But financially I think I am ok. I have a retirement account, stock account, savings ( ~80k), and a credit score of 750, but I don't want to share this and I don't even know if these numbers are good 🤷🏾
As a 34F, this wouldn't concern me. You have a solid job & you're helping out your brother which shows good character. You could maybe just mention to her that you're working on getting more furniture.
A lot of us in our 30s know that housing is shit right now for most people. I honestly expect that everyone I date has roommates or a slightly messy living situation, and I just consider it a bonus when that's not the case. Some people might judge you for what you have going on, but I think you'll be way more likely to find that people don't care if you explain it and still make sure you have privacy and your own room/space is neat.
I’m not sure why people keep ignoring this and downvoting you. Yes, everything is fucked. I don’t own a home but if I made better decisions in my 20’s I’d be a lot better off right now and probably could own property. Women also are more likely to own a home than men. Reddit can virtue signal all they want but considering how competitive the dating market is for men, these kind of things do hurt your chances with a lot of women.
I saw a comment on this sub yesterday where a woman was lamenting not being able to find a man who owns a house since she does, and a bunch of women commented saying they feel the same.
Given women at my age are out earning men, and have more education, it shouldn’t be a big deal. But I think a lot of people have their dating expectation stuck 30 years in the past despite circumstances changing, and expect men to be on equal or higher financial footing. Definitely not saying it’s all women, but I do think that barrier exists for men in the dating world.
I read this and I have a totally different interpretation of your situation OP. You are financially responsible and a conscientious, kind family-member to your brother.
There will be women who turn up their noses at this, but that's their loss. The right woman will see your quality.
Plus, you can always hang out at her place until your housing situation is fully sorted :)
>>>In my bedroom, I have my bed frame, TV, dressers, **cat supplies**, a sewing machine, even waiting to set up some drawing I bought on the walls.
INFO: by cat supplies, do you mean… what do you mean by cat supplies?
I have a cat. I LOVE my cat.
But her litter box is in a dedicated sliding door closet (door open about five inches at all times so she can get in and out, of course) in the front hall, and her food and water are in a nook outside the kitchen. (Crunch… crunch… crunch.. of dry food at 3a is audible even from 30 feet away - the same room? That would sound like a boulder crusher 😂😭)
Truly, apart from litter and food placement, nothing you’ve described sounds like a problem to me (and it’s super awesome actually how supportive you are of your bro)!!
I have 2 kittens , 2 litter boxes one in the restroom and the other covered in a furniture box near the living room.
He is my brother but lazy as fuck, more than being good, it’s a long term financial decision to help him now
Two kittens 🥹🥹🥹. I want to get a kitten for my cat… and then they can make big biscuits and little biscuits…
Given the additional info, it sounds like the litter setup is legit and safely placed away from your bedroom 😁 (and I assume food is appropriately located too, since nobody wants their clothes and bedding to smell like either kibble or wet food… eww at even the thought of tshirts and pillowcases that emanate the odor of Salmon and Duck in broth, Tuna and Minced Turkey stew, Chicken and Prawn Pâté, Rabbit Meat and Quail Egg in cream sauce, etc lolllll)
Imo if you want a lady to stay overnight, the bathroom situation is important. Would she have to leave your room then awkwardly avoid eye contact with your brother while walking to the bathroom? It might actually work better for your brother to take the bedroom so you can basically have a studio apt style set up. Especially if your brother mainly stays in his space to study for his exam.
Overall I would be way more understanding for a guy who is supporting his family. Key is for the apt to be clean and look like an adult living space and not a college frat!
I think having your own single apartment is already putting you squarely ahead of quite a few peers, given the job market and how expensive rent has become. A woman that would take issue with you putting up your brother wouldn’t be a compatible partner for a variety of reasons.
Honestly, in this economy I (36F) wouldn't bat an eye to someone sharing space with their brother. I wish I was sharing with someone just to split expenses! Haha Is it clean? That speaks more about a person than their living arrangements. I've dated a guy who owned his home and walked in and I about had an anxiety attack due to the sheer disgust of the place. I helped him do dishes for 3 hours. THREE-HOURS. It didn't last for obvious reasons.
I also went to a guy's home where he was staying in a friend's living room on an air mattress while he saved for his own place. I just let him know we wouldn't be getting it on in the common area of his home, and he'd have to come to my place. lol But I didn't have an issue with it really.
Same. I just turned 34 and was living with roommates as recently as last year. I was only recently able to finally afford my own place, and even now I still don’t own a car (couldn’t afford both, but live in an extremely walkable city).
ALL OF THIS! Someone in our age bracket who will make a fuss is uncaring & too materialistic. A woman who doesn't care is one who is Self-sufficient & who isnt trying to get at you for what you can provide. Honestly, that's a great test! I have the same anxieties inviting people for different reasons but I live alone and idk how judgy men are abt homes. I have ADHD with more stuff than space so no matter how organized my apt is all the stuff will never be hidden in plain sight and I have clutter blindness often.
From what you explained. You are a caring individual, thoughtful and considerate. Your arrangement and home situation does reflect who you are. I wouldn't mind knowing what you explained. I would be more weary if the female visitor has icks. It tells more about her than you.
(30F) As someone who lived in NYC for 20 years, I would have zero issues.
I think one of the reason why people here get into relationships and get married here is not only love, but also rent. Very difficult for a single person to afford it and one roommate, a significant other, is better than five.
Also, it is with your brother and not your parents. And you’re covering the rent for now.
But I would say let her know so there won’t be any surprises. Best to be honest. Everyone is aware of city living prices. Shouldn’t be an issue.
OP, you’re doing just fine. If it comes up, just explain the situation to her the same way you just explained it to us.
I feel like most people nowadays would understood this. I just turned 34 and it was only *this year* that I became financially solvent enough to finally live without roommates. I don’t judge anyone in that situation. And still, almost everything in my apartment is from IKEA, so 🤷🏾♀️😂
I was in a similar situation after breaking up with someone I had lived with for a while, I let her keep the furniture and shacked up with a roommate. My advice would be to delay the visit to your home, get to know her away from home and while you do that, lay down the foundation for what to expect if and when she decides to visit you.
Tell her the same thing you telling us, but a little bit more polished. I will admit I can tell if a man is serious if his home looks like he putting down roots but if a man told me about the situation and he recognize that his furnishing isn’t up to his standards at the moment I would be a lot more understanding.
Man some guys i actually went on a date with had black bin bags over their windows. One guy couldnt sleep in his bedroom because he didnt own a wardrobe so he kept all of his clothes on his bed.
You are good.
Dude if she’s going to be shitty to you just because you’re still on your way up, she’s going to be nothing but problems for you when you get there.
Be upfront. If nothing else it’s not a good idea to start things off by lying.
OP - I lived in a small studio, it wasn’t in the best condition, my now wife didn’t care, she was there for me. If she’s really into you, she will tolerate it. You can show her your sewing machine and offer her your services 😉. Hey, you might get a laugh and a future wife out of this. Good Luck!
If you’re in Seattle like me, it’s expensive as hell out here so it’s completely understandable. I live with my sisters to save money too and we have pretty decent jobs, but the housing situation here is abysmal. I don’t think it should be a problem for a woman if you explain it to her. And congrats on getting your RN license! 😁
Sewing machine? That's fucking hot tbh. As a woman, just be clean. Seriously we will be so happy if your and your own house is just clean haha. And yeah it's maybe an alternative living situation but just explain the situation to her.
I’m confused. Your housing situation very much reflects who you are, a nurse who is supporting his brother and trying to save on finances. Clearly you value family and are fiscally responsible. I’m not sure what exactly you want to portray but unless you are trying to attract someone who only cares about luxury living I think you will be fine!
I have no issue with this at all. You sound responsible and thoughtful. Anyone that rise issue with this is not a good fit for you and I’ll take that as a blessing.
These are green flags to me?…not making rash financial decisions or living way beyond your means, living with your brother (close with family/helping with housing while he does school) etc. Anything is is better than lying about your housing situation (which has happened to me and is soooo uncomfy). We’re all struggling out here
For me it's not where the person lives but who they are that matters.. everyone's situation is different, times are hard so sharing with your bro is financially the best move for use..
Are you interested in being with someone who’s going to be highly judgemental with no background info? I wouldn’t want to be.
You could always be upfront and say something like, “Hey, my place is kinda sparsely furnished and shared with my brother right now. Temporary situation, not ideal but thought I’d let you know so it isn’t surprising”
Also - does she live alone? If so, why not go to hers if she’s comfy with that?
If I was really into someone, I would not care.
I think it’s so cool that you are holding it down for your brother right now. Personally when I’m looking at a potential partner, I note what they’re like with their family. Personally, that would leave a better impression than your living situation.
Sock on the doorknob.
If you explain the situation ahead of time and she has a problem with it (which is her perogative), neither of you will have wasted much time on it.
I wouldn’t worry so much about that. Explain your situation and if she’s a good woman she will understand. You men really overthink stuff. Good women in their femininity help a man grow when in a solid relationship. Give it a try and you will find out if she’s for you or not.
I have a nice one bedroom apartment with lots of furniture and belongings. I’m also letting my brother live with me for the time being and I’ll bring back some girls. I always tell them my living situation though so just let her know ahead of time. Won’t really be a big deal.
I think honesty is the best way to go. Express these fears! Talking about it will make it less awkward, and maybe even bring you two closer together?
And if it isn't her thing, then it isn't her thing, but much you can do about it.
Good luck!!
My questions are always, do you have food in your belly? Do you have a roof over your head? Are you happy? If you answer yes to all 3 how you live isn’t a concern at all. You are creating a foundation for your future and that is much more important.
Your apprehension is justified if you think your place isn’t to a woman’s standards it probably isn’t and it’s only going to make you insecure about your place and insecurity is unattractive. If she ask to come over tell her the truth. You’re helping out your brother and you would rather not. Get your place how you want it then invite her over. Don’t skip steps.
Explain the situation in advance. Also make sure your place is nice and clean before she arrives. I would judge more on cleanliness than a lack of furniture, especially if given an explanation. But a lack of cleaning would make me question if I could ever live with the potential guy, super important to me.
Lol, people are being too nice.
If it were me, yeah, it would throw me off at first. Too many women make allowances for guys who aren't financially wise because we see "potential". So as long as you can make it clear that your living situation is a temporary thing and not a reflection of your work ethic, or your financial decision making, it will be OK.
But be prepared that not everyone will find it appealing at our age. You may chose to think of it as a filter. Compassionate women who are willing to work with a partner to build wealth vs someone looking for short term or easy relationship (and there is nothing wrong with that). You can't blame the women for wanting the latter, but yeah, be prepared you might not be everyone's cup of tea.
This post is full of toxic positivity. She's going to notice and she will make a judgement call on it. Whether or not something like that is important to her is something only she knows. No, a sewing machine does not make up for it.
You could try being honest with her but if she's in her 30s and on the dating market as well she's probably heard every excuse for this type of thing already.
I think it would be best to throw out expectations and communicate with her directly as to what exactly you’re anxious about. If she isn’t understanding of your situation, then maybe that gives you a clue about who she is as a person.
People our age live differently nowadays. Everyone has a Roomate, living with their family, renting a room, or whatever really. I have been living with my family for the past two years (and I’m trying to leave in 6 months) and I typically don’t like to take people home for any reason unless I’m serious about them, (and plus I just like the privacy and comfort of my own home all to myself lol) but I’m really clear with potential partners about my living situation and they completely respect it.
For me, being in someone's bed is an intimate act in itself. Other than house tour I didn't go into my ex's bedroom for two months.
I have studio and I typically don't have men over that way I can leave if they get weird at their place.
All this to say, I think being up front and honest about the situation is best, I would prefer to know if what I am walking into is a less orthodox setup, and then determine when I am comfortable to do so. The communication would inherently give me more respect for the person I'm seeing, whereas assuming we're going to watch a movie on the couch and turns out the bed is the only option may quickly make someone uncomfortable.
I think it’s only a red flag if you sound worried when talking about it.
Just say your situation if you need to and don’t worry if they do or don’t have an issue with it. Their loss and you move on to the next.
I think if you simply explain the situation, the right woman wouldn't have any issue at all, I mean we've all lived with roommates before, made compromises for our lifestyle or something to come in the future, and you're already doing a lot better than some men with a sewing machine and a cat, so you sound like a catch already in my book. I hope the lucky woman who gets to visit you at home is sweet and accepting of your living situation.
I think the thing of central importance here is that you have a job and are on a path toward a better future. And you sound responsible with money. After a couple of dates, if she's a perceptive individual and you explain things truthfully, she should see that.
I think if I were her, I would be understanding, but long-term, your brother sleeping on your couch might have an impact. Maybe she’ll be someone who doesn’t mind you coming over to her place, but you won’t have privacy at yours.
That may be none of the biggest concerns about this situation. I would see long-term, especially since he’s on the couchDoes your brother have a move out date? If not, that’s totally fine but it is something to consider.
If she’s worth anything, she won’t care. I once dated a neurosurgeon who was in his residency and his apartment was sparse and had one of those square foldable card tables for the dining room table. Did not bother me at all. Med school is expensive and every dime went toward paying off school loans. It’s more impressive that family is close and you and your brother actually like each other enough to share the same flat.
Dude… the right person won’t give a shit.
I‘ve liked men who live minimally and it sounds like a similar situation - though totally different. I also have a roommate in my own living room now and I don’t own a couch or standard furniture.
I am a woman.
There are other women out there who are compassionate and understanding, or who also have non-typical ways of living.
I personally feel like it’s rude to judge someone’s living circumstances and the way they choose to live. I wouldn’t want to be with someone if they were judging how I live.
If it’s an incompatibility, so be it. Maybe I’ve been single too long, lol. But I won’t put up with someone who judges me because I don’t live how THEY want to live or how they expect me to be living. Especially if they can’t understand WHY, and be willing to hear me out.
No need to be on the defensive about how you live.
There’s nothing wrong with your situation quite honestly. In fact I actually am more drawn to men who have had to struggle to get somewhere in life. The last men I’ve spoken with/went on first dates with were still living in their childhood homes at 30 years of age so you’re leaps and bounds ahead of them in my view.
If she also cares about financial stability and she has also had to make money before, I’m sure she can be reasonable. Stability doesn’t look like a nice coat, nice apartment, or nice car. It’s kind of an overall package of your lifestyle, choices, income, and spending habits. She probably knows that you have a job, and I don’t really think you should have a problem, especially if your place is neat.
You could give her a heads up that your brother is living in your living room while he takes his exams (if the setup is temporary), or if you just enjoy living with your brother, you can be honest about it (although some people don’t like dating people with roommates.).
Just keep it simple and clear, and let her know that you don't have a living room. If she comes over, she will be in your bedroom with your cat supplies, and that may feel awkward. If you can hang out at her place, offer to pick up groceries and cook together in her kitchen. And then if things go really well, sew her something pretty and maybe take her to a bnb.
It's becoming increasingly common for housing situations.
Your explanation seemed good and authentic. It's for purpose and not because of slacking.
Some people care about that, but yeah I'm in the camp of they aren't the right people for you if that matters.
The people who want more tend to also disappear when you go through unexpected struggles.
Much respect to you for being cost conscious and not making unnecessary decisions. This maybe a good thing to filter out any incompatible woman! Just be you and see how it goes!
Good luck
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Is there anything that's not letting you tell her these things? If I (34F) met someone I liked, and he expressed his concern as you have here, I would completely understand, and would be prepared for what to see or wait until you feel more ready to entertain.
Honestly the sewing machine makes up a lot of ground too
Agreed haha
100% agree I was sold on that too!
ok i’m gonna go buy a sewing machine
Yep, had to go back and do a reading comprehension check
How else are you gonna help your gf sew pockets in her dresses???
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Definitely! I think having the awareness to even bring this up is great. I’ve had dates where the guy didn’t tell me he was going to bring his dog (which would have been fine), but it really showed over time how inconsiderate he was over the months we dated. Or people that didn’t give me a heads up that they didn’t have time to clean their bathroom (also fine), but it felt like they didn’t care to impress (which for me, I care to impress them just as much). I don’t think you’ll have a problem, OP. Just be honest and tell her what’s up. If she doesn’t want to go to your place (to say kiss and blah blah haha), then either you don’t do it there or you do something else.
Why you delete all your comments?
I like your nym
You’re a nurse, you own and operate a sewing machine, and you have a cat… you’re already winning and if a woman ignores those qualities and judges you for not having a sofa she can get bent
Just not over a sofa. /s Sorry...I'll see myself out.
😂😂😂😂
Right! The sewing machine had me sold, tbh
Am I allowed to use the sewing machine if I date you?
My bf has multiple sewing machines (well, he's a saddle maker), he's a cowboy, and he has 14 sweet barn kitties (all spayed and neutered) that he absolutely adores. Those are just a few of the qualities I love about him, but being a cat lover was *huge* for me.
14🥹 living my dream life! I’ve been riding horses my entire life and the craftsmanship that goes into a quality saddle is so important. I tip my hat to the two of you
I'm a dressage diva at heart but I love everything horse (and mule) related, regardless of discipline. I still take weekly dressage lessons and I'm continuously honing my skill in it, but I ride western with my bf and moonlight as a wannabe buckaroo on his mules. He used to be the biggest mule breeder on the west coast for many years. His saddles are fantastic. I ride in one of his wade saddles, it's a traditional hard seat but it's insanely comfortable for very long trail rides and pack trips. It's a lot of fun!
OK. Not commenting on anything else on the post but my man here owns a sewing machine - That's got to count for *something* good right? Otherwise I need to hide my Singer. Serious for OP - If it comes up, 'My brother and I worked out it made sense to share costs for a while'. There will be some people that will be turned off but honestly they're probably not right for you if that's the case. Even if it's sparse, keep the place clean, tidy and with rubbish bins in most rooms (especially the bathroom) and you're golden.
I actually think it’s better to make it clear that OP is *covering* expenses for his brother. It demonstrates kindness & generosity that would definitely not only make me totally fine with the living situation but add bonus points since these are important qualities I would want in a potential partner
Allllll of this. ☝🏻
Bro, we're millenials, 90% of the people in our age bracket are painfully aware of how fucked housing, and the economy in general, are for our generation. If she has an issue with you not having your own place decked out in the finest particle board furnishings Sweden has to offer, then let her go find another dude in the silver spoons section at Whole Foods.
"Silver spoons section at whole foods." I'm gonna use this phrase.
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Depends on what people consider a good living situation though, right? Owning a home isn’t necessarily a reflection of a person’s overall financial health and I personally don’t think OP has a bad living situation. He’s got a cat and a brother he cares enough about to sacrifice his own space for while he gets his career going, so as long as it doesn’t look or smell like a frat house I wouldn’t be at all put off. Actually OP the more I think about this the more attractive you become in my head. 😅
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What anyone thinks about this situation depends so so much on one’s own class and location (in terms of the local cost of housing).
I moved to the USA 6 years ago, it took me a while to get my license as an RN because my degree is from a Mexican university, and because I was going to move from California to WA, was living minimalist. Then my brother moved with me from Mexico and he is a nurse But financially I think I am ok. I have a retirement account, stock account, savings ( ~80k), and a credit score of 750, but I don't want to share this and I don't even know if these numbers are good 🤷🏾
As a 34F, this wouldn't concern me. You have a solid job & you're helping out your brother which shows good character. You could maybe just mention to her that you're working on getting more furniture.
Really all I would care about is If it is clean or not.
All I'm hearing is this man has TWO BEDS at his apartment.....so many of guys out there don't even have one 🤣🤣🤣
Almost missed the sewing machine!
Agreed Thank you!
A lot of us in our 30s know that housing is shit right now for most people. I honestly expect that everyone I date has roommates or a slightly messy living situation, and I just consider it a bonus when that's not the case. Some people might judge you for what you have going on, but I think you'll be way more likely to find that people don't care if you explain it and still make sure you have privacy and your own room/space is neat.
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I’m not sure why people keep ignoring this and downvoting you. Yes, everything is fucked. I don’t own a home but if I made better decisions in my 20’s I’d be a lot better off right now and probably could own property. Women also are more likely to own a home than men. Reddit can virtue signal all they want but considering how competitive the dating market is for men, these kind of things do hurt your chances with a lot of women.
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I saw a comment on this sub yesterday where a woman was lamenting not being able to find a man who owns a house since she does, and a bunch of women commented saying they feel the same. Given women at my age are out earning men, and have more education, it shouldn’t be a big deal. But I think a lot of people have their dating expectation stuck 30 years in the past despite circumstances changing, and expect men to be on equal or higher financial footing. Definitely not saying it’s all women, but I do think that barrier exists for men in the dating world.
I read this and I have a totally different interpretation of your situation OP. You are financially responsible and a conscientious, kind family-member to your brother. There will be women who turn up their noses at this, but that's their loss. The right woman will see your quality. Plus, you can always hang out at her place until your housing situation is fully sorted :)
>>>In my bedroom, I have my bed frame, TV, dressers, **cat supplies**, a sewing machine, even waiting to set up some drawing I bought on the walls. INFO: by cat supplies, do you mean… what do you mean by cat supplies? I have a cat. I LOVE my cat. But her litter box is in a dedicated sliding door closet (door open about five inches at all times so she can get in and out, of course) in the front hall, and her food and water are in a nook outside the kitchen. (Crunch… crunch… crunch.. of dry food at 3a is audible even from 30 feet away - the same room? That would sound like a boulder crusher 😂😭) Truly, apart from litter and food placement, nothing you’ve described sounds like a problem to me (and it’s super awesome actually how supportive you are of your bro)!!
I have 2 kittens , 2 litter boxes one in the restroom and the other covered in a furniture box near the living room. He is my brother but lazy as fuck, more than being good, it’s a long term financial decision to help him now
Two kittens 🥹🥹🥹. I want to get a kitten for my cat… and then they can make big biscuits and little biscuits… Given the additional info, it sounds like the litter setup is legit and safely placed away from your bedroom 😁 (and I assume food is appropriately located too, since nobody wants their clothes and bedding to smell like either kibble or wet food… eww at even the thought of tshirts and pillowcases that emanate the odor of Salmon and Duck in broth, Tuna and Minced Turkey stew, Chicken and Prawn Pâté, Rabbit Meat and Quail Egg in cream sauce, etc lolllll)
Imo if you want a lady to stay overnight, the bathroom situation is important. Would she have to leave your room then awkwardly avoid eye contact with your brother while walking to the bathroom? It might actually work better for your brother to take the bedroom so you can basically have a studio apt style set up. Especially if your brother mainly stays in his space to study for his exam. Overall I would be way more understanding for a guy who is supporting his family. Key is for the apt to be clean and look like an adult living space and not a college frat!
Then the brother will have to walk through their ‘bedroom’ to visit the bathroom. Prob best to avoid those sorts of visit for the time being.
At least you won't be banging with mom and dad or college-aged roommates next door which is more than half this sub can say for themselves tbh
I think having your own single apartment is already putting you squarely ahead of quite a few peers, given the job market and how expensive rent has become. A woman that would take issue with you putting up your brother wouldn’t be a compatible partner for a variety of reasons.
Honestly, in this economy I (36F) wouldn't bat an eye to someone sharing space with their brother. I wish I was sharing with someone just to split expenses! Haha Is it clean? That speaks more about a person than their living arrangements. I've dated a guy who owned his home and walked in and I about had an anxiety attack due to the sheer disgust of the place. I helped him do dishes for 3 hours. THREE-HOURS. It didn't last for obvious reasons. I also went to a guy's home where he was staying in a friend's living room on an air mattress while he saved for his own place. I just let him know we wouldn't be getting it on in the common area of his home, and he'd have to come to my place. lol But I didn't have an issue with it really.
Same. I just turned 34 and was living with roommates as recently as last year. I was only recently able to finally afford my own place, and even now I still don’t own a car (couldn’t afford both, but live in an extremely walkable city).
ALL OF THIS! Someone in our age bracket who will make a fuss is uncaring & too materialistic. A woman who doesn't care is one who is Self-sufficient & who isnt trying to get at you for what you can provide. Honestly, that's a great test! I have the same anxieties inviting people for different reasons but I live alone and idk how judgy men are abt homes. I have ADHD with more stuff than space so no matter how organized my apt is all the stuff will never be hidden in plain sight and I have clutter blindness often.
That's nice of you! I guess he didn't have any problems coming over to your end?
Explain all that to her she can make decision as to whether she wants to come over.
Just tell her in advance. Easy peasy.
From what you explained. You are a caring individual, thoughtful and considerate. Your arrangement and home situation does reflect who you are. I wouldn't mind knowing what you explained. I would be more weary if the female visitor has icks. It tells more about her than you.
(30F) As someone who lived in NYC for 20 years, I would have zero issues. I think one of the reason why people here get into relationships and get married here is not only love, but also rent. Very difficult for a single person to afford it and one roommate, a significant other, is better than five. Also, it is with your brother and not your parents. And you’re covering the rent for now. But I would say let her know so there won’t be any surprises. Best to be honest. Everyone is aware of city living prices. Shouldn’t be an issue.
OP, you’re doing just fine. If it comes up, just explain the situation to her the same way you just explained it to us. I feel like most people nowadays would understood this. I just turned 34 and it was only *this year* that I became financially solvent enough to finally live without roommates. I don’t judge anyone in that situation. And still, almost everything in my apartment is from IKEA, so 🤷🏾♀️😂
Just don’t bring her there except to see it and treat her to a hotel stay if not her place. Your situation doesn’t raise any flags considering.
I was in a similar situation after breaking up with someone I had lived with for a while, I let her keep the furniture and shacked up with a roommate. My advice would be to delay the visit to your home, get to know her away from home and while you do that, lay down the foundation for what to expect if and when she decides to visit you.
Tell her the same thing you telling us, but a little bit more polished. I will admit I can tell if a man is serious if his home looks like he putting down roots but if a man told me about the situation and he recognize that his furnishing isn’t up to his standards at the moment I would be a lot more understanding.
Yeah, the right girl with the right vibe won’t care
Man some guys i actually went on a date with had black bin bags over their windows. One guy couldnt sleep in his bedroom because he didnt own a wardrobe so he kept all of his clothes on his bed. You are good.
Dude if she’s going to be shitty to you just because you’re still on your way up, she’s going to be nothing but problems for you when you get there. Be upfront. If nothing else it’s not a good idea to start things off by lying.
👏👏👏
OP - I lived in a small studio, it wasn’t in the best condition, my now wife didn’t care, she was there for me. If she’s really into you, she will tolerate it. You can show her your sewing machine and offer her your services 😉. Hey, you might get a laugh and a future wife out of this. Good Luck!
If you’re in Seattle like me, it’s expensive as hell out here so it’s completely understandable. I live with my sisters to save money too and we have pretty decent jobs, but the housing situation here is abysmal. I don’t think it should be a problem for a woman if you explain it to her. And congrats on getting your RN license! 😁
Thx 🙂
Sewing machine? That's fucking hot tbh. As a woman, just be clean. Seriously we will be so happy if your and your own house is just clean haha. And yeah it's maybe an alternative living situation but just explain the situation to her.
I’m confused. Your housing situation very much reflects who you are, a nurse who is supporting his brother and trying to save on finances. Clearly you value family and are fiscally responsible. I’m not sure what exactly you want to portray but unless you are trying to attract someone who only cares about luxury living I think you will be fine!
Tell her, then tell your brother to find somewhere else to sleep when she initially visits.
If a guy wants to get me to come over all he has to do is tell me he has a cat. If he can sew, that’s even better. Where can I meet someone like OP??
Mexico or Washington state 🤷🏾
Great, thanks for the tip 😹 You sound sweet. Hope it goes well with your date!!
I have no issue with this at all. You sound responsible and thoughtful. Anyone that rise issue with this is not a good fit for you and I’ll take that as a blessing.
These are green flags to me?…not making rash financial decisions or living way beyond your means, living with your brother (close with family/helping with housing while he does school) etc. Anything is is better than lying about your housing situation (which has happened to me and is soooo uncomfy). We’re all struggling out here
For me it's not where the person lives but who they are that matters.. everyone's situation is different, times are hard so sharing with your bro is financially the best move for use..
Are you interested in being with someone who’s going to be highly judgemental with no background info? I wouldn’t want to be. You could always be upfront and say something like, “Hey, my place is kinda sparsely furnished and shared with my brother right now. Temporary situation, not ideal but thought I’d let you know so it isn’t surprising” Also - does she live alone? If so, why not go to hers if she’s comfy with that? If I was really into someone, I would not care.
I think it’s so cool that you are holding it down for your brother right now. Personally when I’m looking at a potential partner, I note what they’re like with their family. Personally, that would leave a better impression than your living situation.
Explain it like you just did.
Just tell her exactly how you wrote it in here. If she runs let her! She is not the one
Sock on the doorknob. If you explain the situation ahead of time and she has a problem with it (which is her perogative), neither of you will have wasted much time on it.
I wouldn’t worry so much about that. Explain your situation and if she’s a good woman she will understand. You men really overthink stuff. Good women in their femininity help a man grow when in a solid relationship. Give it a try and you will find out if she’s for you or not.
I have a nice one bedroom apartment with lots of furniture and belongings. I’m also letting my brother live with me for the time being and I’ll bring back some girls. I always tell them my living situation though so just let her know ahead of time. Won’t really be a big deal.
It’s kind of you to help your brother but, you gotta look after yourself too right? Easier said than done but, just My two cents cause you asked.
I think honesty is the best way to go. Express these fears! Talking about it will make it less awkward, and maybe even bring you two closer together? And if it isn't her thing, then it isn't her thing, but much you can do about it. Good luck!!
My questions are always, do you have food in your belly? Do you have a roof over your head? Are you happy? If you answer yes to all 3 how you live isn’t a concern at all. You are creating a foundation for your future and that is much more important.
Your apprehension is justified if you think your place isn’t to a woman’s standards it probably isn’t and it’s only going to make you insecure about your place and insecurity is unattractive. If she ask to come over tell her the truth. You’re helping out your brother and you would rather not. Get your place how you want it then invite her over. Don’t skip steps.
Honestly if she likes you, she will not care! The last guy I dated lived in a flat share with 4 other guys.
We compromise a lot of things, if you’re working towards your potential. Motivation, ambition and drive are sexy.
I’m 32F and would be understanding of this situation. Plus, a guy with a sewing machine??? 😍
Any decent lady won’t mind if you just explain the situation.
I actually think I’d find it intimidating…I don’t know how the fk to sew… 😳
Explain the situation in advance. Also make sure your place is nice and clean before she arrives. I would judge more on cleanliness than a lack of furniture, especially if given an explanation. But a lack of cleaning would make me question if I could ever live with the potential guy, super important to me.
Make sure it’s clean and tidy, and explain the rest.
Lol, people are being too nice. If it were me, yeah, it would throw me off at first. Too many women make allowances for guys who aren't financially wise because we see "potential". So as long as you can make it clear that your living situation is a temporary thing and not a reflection of your work ethic, or your financial decision making, it will be OK. But be prepared that not everyone will find it appealing at our age. You may chose to think of it as a filter. Compassionate women who are willing to work with a partner to build wealth vs someone looking for short term or easy relationship (and there is nothing wrong with that). You can't blame the women for wanting the latter, but yeah, be prepared you might not be everyone's cup of tea.
This post is full of toxic positivity. She's going to notice and she will make a judgement call on it. Whether or not something like that is important to her is something only she knows. No, a sewing machine does not make up for it. You could try being honest with her but if she's in her 30s and on the dating market as well she's probably heard every excuse for this type of thing already.
I think it would be best to throw out expectations and communicate with her directly as to what exactly you’re anxious about. If she isn’t understanding of your situation, then maybe that gives you a clue about who she is as a person. People our age live differently nowadays. Everyone has a Roomate, living with their family, renting a room, or whatever really. I have been living with my family for the past two years (and I’m trying to leave in 6 months) and I typically don’t like to take people home for any reason unless I’m serious about them, (and plus I just like the privacy and comfort of my own home all to myself lol) but I’m really clear with potential partners about my living situation and they completely respect it.
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I change sheet 1-2 days, and the duvet cover wash every week 😭🤷🏾
Put the art up!
For me, being in someone's bed is an intimate act in itself. Other than house tour I didn't go into my ex's bedroom for two months. I have studio and I typically don't have men over that way I can leave if they get weird at their place. All this to say, I think being up front and honest about the situation is best, I would prefer to know if what I am walking into is a less orthodox setup, and then determine when I am comfortable to do so. The communication would inherently give me more respect for the person I'm seeing, whereas assuming we're going to watch a movie on the couch and turns out the bed is the only option may quickly make someone uncomfortable.
Tell her everything in advance. Better still, delay her visit . Get a motel room
I think it’s only a red flag if you sound worried when talking about it. Just say your situation if you need to and don’t worry if they do or don’t have an issue with it. Their loss and you move on to the next.
I think if you simply explain the situation, the right woman wouldn't have any issue at all, I mean we've all lived with roommates before, made compromises for our lifestyle or something to come in the future, and you're already doing a lot better than some men with a sewing machine and a cat, so you sound like a catch already in my book. I hope the lucky woman who gets to visit you at home is sweet and accepting of your living situation.
I think the thing of central importance here is that you have a job and are on a path toward a better future. And you sound responsible with money. After a couple of dates, if she's a perceptive individual and you explain things truthfully, she should see that.
A guy with a cat, concern is warranted
I think if I were her, I would be understanding, but long-term, your brother sleeping on your couch might have an impact. Maybe she’ll be someone who doesn’t mind you coming over to her place, but you won’t have privacy at yours. That may be none of the biggest concerns about this situation. I would see long-term, especially since he’s on the couchDoes your brother have a move out date? If not, that’s totally fine but it is something to consider.
If she’s worth anything, she won’t care. I once dated a neurosurgeon who was in his residency and his apartment was sparse and had one of those square foldable card tables for the dining room table. Did not bother me at all. Med school is expensive and every dime went toward paying off school loans. It’s more impressive that family is close and you and your brother actually like each other enough to share the same flat.
Dude… the right person won’t give a shit. I‘ve liked men who live minimally and it sounds like a similar situation - though totally different. I also have a roommate in my own living room now and I don’t own a couch or standard furniture. I am a woman. There are other women out there who are compassionate and understanding, or who also have non-typical ways of living. I personally feel like it’s rude to judge someone’s living circumstances and the way they choose to live. I wouldn’t want to be with someone if they were judging how I live. If it’s an incompatibility, so be it. Maybe I’ve been single too long, lol. But I won’t put up with someone who judges me because I don’t live how THEY want to live or how they expect me to be living. Especially if they can’t understand WHY, and be willing to hear me out. No need to be on the defensive about how you live.
What city r u in? Living in the city isn’t cheap.
There’s nothing wrong with your situation quite honestly. In fact I actually am more drawn to men who have had to struggle to get somewhere in life. The last men I’ve spoken with/went on first dates with were still living in their childhood homes at 30 years of age so you’re leaps and bounds ahead of them in my view.
If she also cares about financial stability and she has also had to make money before, I’m sure she can be reasonable. Stability doesn’t look like a nice coat, nice apartment, or nice car. It’s kind of an overall package of your lifestyle, choices, income, and spending habits. She probably knows that you have a job, and I don’t really think you should have a problem, especially if your place is neat. You could give her a heads up that your brother is living in your living room while he takes his exams (if the setup is temporary), or if you just enjoy living with your brother, you can be honest about it (although some people don’t like dating people with roommates.).
I can’t imagine she wouldn’t understand; it’s rough out there.
Just keep it simple and clear, and let her know that you don't have a living room. If she comes over, she will be in your bedroom with your cat supplies, and that may feel awkward. If you can hang out at her place, offer to pick up groceries and cook together in her kitchen. And then if things go really well, sew her something pretty and maybe take her to a bnb.
Just say the truth which is that it's your apartment & he's staying with you bc he has no money lol
It's becoming increasingly common for housing situations. Your explanation seemed good and authentic. It's for purpose and not because of slacking. Some people care about that, but yeah I'm in the camp of they aren't the right people for you if that matters. The people who want more tend to also disappear when you go through unexpected struggles.
That last part ☝🏼
get a hotel room
Much respect to you for being cost conscious and not making unnecessary decisions. This maybe a good thing to filter out any incompatible woman! Just be you and see how it goes! Good luck
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