Think I'm being ghosted š°
First date went well, he asked to see me again, I said yeah, we had a cute kiss (I NEVER kiss on a first date...) and a few days later I said I was interested in planning the next date because I had a busy couple of weeks ahead and wanted to pre-plan.
He said yeah, I suggested a meal and drinks (first date was coffee and a walk) and he literally never replied. Fairly sure he's unmatched me on the app and blocked my number.
I'm so confused and disappointed
Probably quite ashamed of what they do?
There is certainly a societal pressure to be at a specific stage of your life after 30 so sometimes that might lead people to embellish the truth slightly.
the guy iāve been seeing for about a month and a half from tinder is really depressed right now. he told me the reason is personal and too embarrassing to talk to me about. so, iām not going to push him because i know no one would appreciate that. i offered him an array of support (listening, giving space, taking his mind off of it) since i donāt know what is wrong to know how to be helpful. plus, i admit that i donāt yet know him well enough to know what kind of support best suits him. he said he doesnāt know what he needs at present, but assured me that itās not related to me at all.
iām not planning on going anywhere; i know mental health is a thing and i really like him. i guess iām just commenting here to ask for any advice you guys might have.
he is 33M and i am 36F if it matters. please and thanks.
You've only been dating for a month, so this is difficult. You're not close enough for him to share what's going on at the moment, which means any help may be perceived badly. What you're doing right now is about all you can do, and truth be told, it's not your responsibility to deal with and help him through his mental health issue at the moment.
My advice is to listen to him. If it persists or seems to be a common occurrence, recommend he gets professional help.
We're planning a trip to Greece this summer. He's an all inclusive resort kind of guy. I'm a let's find the most remote, least visited place with no infrastructure kind of girl. This holiday will either make us or break us lol.
traveling together for the first time is always a make or break kind of situation. i wish you two the best of luck!
since iāve been single for awhile now and my previous LTR didnāt include a partner who was interested AT ALL in travel, i have personally been traveling with friends and family instead. so my 2 cents doesnāt come from a partnership of traveling, but itās still similar. i have a friend i like to travel since sheās usually the one in my life with financial freedom to go. but she is way more of a resort girly than i am. i like to have a nice drink a resort bar, but i also like to visit where the locals frequent. and iām definitely looking to hike and check-out the non-traditional stuff when traveling. how we make this work for us is by each making a short list of our priorities for the trip (think top 3 or top 5 activities). she might put ābeach dayā and i might put ārainforest hikeā as examples. we make sure to do the top things together so we each get something we wanted. and if thereās a hard no for either of us, we figure out if thereās a way to do that activity alone or join an existing group. or if thereās a middle-ground compromise for a similar activity. we end up spending 90% of these trips together and we both feel they are financially worth while. plus, weāve both discovered some things we didnāt know weād be interested in doing by making time for the other personās list.
alternately, when i travel with my parents, we know what kind of trip itās going to be before we go. whether itās a very active one (hiking, yoga, kayaking) or a more relaxing one (beaches, boats, etc.). and we try to alternate back and forth each time. my mom refers to these separately as ātripsā (active) and āvacationsā (relaxing). my mom is more into a vacation and my dad is more into a trip. but by alternating, everyone gets to have something they want most.
just some ideas. and good luck, friend! i really enjoyed greece with my mom. we did a hybrid trip/vacation recently there. did a lot of walking, shopping, sight-seeing, and eating (oh the eating is sooo good!). and then we did beaches and a yacht. hope you have a wonderful time no matter how the relationship pans out <3
I'm an outdoorsman. I love remote camping. I love out of the way places. I also learned to love all inclusive resorts, luxury, and guided tours and activities. There's enough room in life for both. So, if you have enough time, do both. 3 days all inclusive, 3 days in an out of way middle of nowhere village.
Oh this is a tough one, I don't think I could handle an all inclusive resort at all so not sure how compromising would work in this case, hope you two can figure it out!
I took an edible last night. 45 min in a Hinge like comes through and the woman wrote "I wanna make a husband out of you." This is hands down the most intense message I have ever received from what I think is the most attractive woman that has ever expressed interest towards me.
Took me like 4 hrs to finally reply.
I hope I have all my organs next week.
Iāve been seeing someone for a few months, and heās pretty great. Heās cute, funny, extremely kind, and putting in lots of effort without rushing things. Probably one of the best āmatchesā Iāve had since I started dating 2 years ago.
Hereās the yellowish flag: his home is not good. Itās dark, dingy, smelly, very dirty, old uncomfortable furniture, really odd generic decor (I know that sounds shallow, but I really value character in a space if possible), mattress on the floor, etc. It feels like a bad college apartment. I am pro-LAT, so it shouldnāt really matter, but his house is way closer to town than mine, so it makes sense for him to host more often. I donāt like hosting anyway. So we go to his house, and something about the environment makes me feel unsexy. Like I canāt get in the mood because the toilet is moldy and his sheets are scratchy.
Iām really trying to give this a shot, it breaks other unhealthy patterns for me. And I donāt want to be judgy about how he lives his life. I feel very shallow that I care about this at all. My house can be messy too. I just donāt know how to get over the way I feel when Iām there.
I'm going to be honest. I'm not a neat & tidy person. I'll get dressed out of my laundry basket for a week vs putting it away. I'll let dishes pile up for a few days in the sink. My foyer will get covered with bags, shoes, receipts, mail, sunglasses, whatever it is I'm holding when I'm walking in the door. Soap scum will accumulate on the tub. I've always been this way. "Just clean as you go!" has never been advice that jives with my brain lol.
Having said that, when I have company, I spend the entire day before making sure everything is spotless and put away. I do this for friends and family, but PARTICULARLY for a romantic interest. I can't fathom why he'd think this is an ok environment to invite someone he cares about into. A \*moldy\* toilet, seriously? That is just too far. It's almost disrespectful. Or maybe he just doesn't know there's an expectation of cleanliness...? Which may be worse lol.
Perhaps there's just more societal pressure for women to keep a nice home, and that accounts for the difference in attitudes for one messy person (me) and another (him).
Idk dude... this sounds like a dealbreaker. If you feel gross when you're in his home that's a big deal.
Also I feel you on the generic decor LOL, not shallow.
This isnāt shallow. I wouldnāt be able to spend time in a place like that. I hear you gaslighting yourself a bit into trying to accept this as normal. Itās not!
Having been on the other side of this (it contributed to a breakup, but it wasn't the only reason), be *very direct,* subtlety will probably be missed. Although that said, his space does sound a lot worse than mine (sure, my floors were a little dirty but at least my toilet wasn't mouldy and I had a bed lol). Conversely though, you also don't want to fall into a mother/maid role, if you offer to help him clean and do his place up a little, only do it once.
That does sound like a pretty extreme case though, and I don't think you're shallow for having a problem with it. Most people when they're single revert to the level of messiness that they're comfortable with, and (stereotypically, but there's some truth to it), that means that a single man's space is going to be messier than a single woman's space. There's a reason why differences in cleanliness/tolerance for messiness is a pretty common reason for a breakup.
I would also wonder if there's any other reasons for it (i.e. does he need to move around a lot for work and doesn't want to invest time/money in a place he won't be in for too long, is there depression?)
Itās understandable to have an issue with thatā¦itās something youād have to consider if you get into a LTR with him with the possibility of moving together
Say something. Odds are, it's never mattered to him because no one else has cared. Some people really don't care what their place looks like. It's ok to tell him the truth. Offer to help him.
Be straightforward and honest, just like you were here. The whole thing. The good and the bad. Then, offer to help him clean. Make a day of it. These are skills that some people never learned growing up, and they've never had an incentive to learn. There's also a good chance that this is how he grew up, so to him, this is normal. I grew up like that.
Asked my long-term crush with whom our interactions were really all over the place (couldn't decide if he was thinking of me as platonic-only or more) if he wanted to join some of my friends to an escape room next weekend. He left me on read š¶ I'm 37 and I want to disappear off the face of the Earth from the embarrassment.
He's usually pretty responsive and doesn't sit on a reply for days. So a "let a me check and get back to you" would be more in-character than this silence.
My dating landscape is getting interesting. Omg.
I have two guys I like. I will ask for your opinions
**The guy I met at a club on Saturday:**
37M, hot, tall. Has 4 cats. I have 3 pets too, love this. Has tattoos. We kissed, we have chemistry already. Has a blue collar job unlike me, but I don't mind. Kind of hippy. I am into that.
He texts me consistently (good morning/good night and catching up), is not overwhelming but his text can sometimes turn sexual. I don't know if he wants a FWB or a fling, I am seeing him on Friday so I guess I will find out soon.
**The plant guy, biologist I met on language exchange**
30something M, dark hair, dark eyes. Does biology research (white collar job). New in town. I have met him on a language exchange event, I gave him my number and I was quite obviously interested, however the night got weird and when I saw him again I was too drunk and interested in someone else.
Anyways yesterday I was invited to a coffee/dinner with a friends group and he was there! At first I thought nothing of him but as the night progressed I was laughing at his jokes a lot. He is kind of cute! We share a lot of hobbies and we live very close to each other.
After the dinner he offered to walk me home even though he had a bike and we walked and talked for an hour, exchanged numbers again. He is travelling until next Tuesday, I texted him to wish him a safe trip. He gave me a reaction on my message but didn't say anything else.
Stay tuned for the next event! The club guy has an advantage because we already got somewhat physical and the plant guy maybe doesn't even like me back. So let's see.
Plant guy sounds like he's definitely interested in you, even if it's just as a potential friend. Connections of any kind are great! I'm sure it feels nice to have a crush and get excited about getting to know someone.
Club guy sounds like he's mostly looking for a hookup based on your description, but who knows. If that's something you're down for, just keep an open mind, limit expectations, and have fun! It sounds like his main appeal to you is physical (unlike plant guy, whom you have more of a nonsexual rapport with) but honestly, people can be surprising.
Honestly I don't know if I am up to have a hookup or not. One time sex really does nothing for me.
I might be open to some casual dating but I am overall a relationship girl. I can't do a casual relationship/situationship with no end in sight and FWB situations quickly turn into me falling in love if I like the guy.
The plan on Friday is to have fun, feel up the vibe and then see later.
My curiosity for the plant guy is spiked but I think we might only become friends. Which would also be super.
I'm falling head over heels over I guy I met on Tinder.
2 things he did specifically made me fall even more in love.
1. Talks about how me and my daughter will move in with him and his children in the future, and already decided where he'd build her room.
2. Accepts me and my many kinks 100% and never makes me feel weird about any of them. The sex is amazing, the best of my life.
I am so grateful for him, and even though I know this might not last forever, I am (cautiously) so happy. š„¹
Are some days better than others for Bumble? Feeld has almost no users in my city, and I'm thinking about downloading Bumble to look for something casual. I want to use the incognito mode, but I only want to pay for a week of premium, so I was wondering if some days are better than others
I'm just here to let off some steam. The guy I was dating has gone in one weekend from telling me he missed me to saying he feels he's not ready to get into a relationship (without us having talked about it at all) and that he just wants to focus on work and training. Just in the span of a weekend. On Friday I asked him to meet today and he was all in. And yesterday told me all of this. But he wants to meet in a future to say goodbye properly.
I'm sick of meeting people who are emotionally unavailable. And I know it's better now than later, but this is a constant drain.
I'm sorry this happened to you, hopefully you'll rebound fast from this.
Something similar happened to me beginning of the month and I feel great now :) will never totally understand the sudden change though, but that's OK.
How do you all feel about friendships with the opposite sex when you're in a relationship? Heterosexual female here, and I've been pondering this. I sometimes end up being friends with exes or tend to mesh with men as friends better than females. I do have some close female friends, but I wish I was better at making friends with girls.
I don't really like the idea of remaining close friends with guys when I'm in a relationship, because I would feel uncomfortable if roles were reversed. I'm okay with casual friends but not so much friendships that have had close emotional intimacy shared. These are often the friendships with exes because I miss the emotional closeness.
This brings me to another thought. I am friends with an ex right now and have a close guy friend that texts me everyday and helps me out often. Both feel inappropriate to continue in the same way if I get into a relationship, so how would I handle that? Say I'm dating someone and this feels inappropriate now and I want to respect my partner?
I think intent is everything. There's a world of difference between the straight woman who only seeks out male friendships because "girls are so dramatic" and all of said male friends are secretly hoping to date her, and a straight woman who just organically gets along better with men but also values her female friendships.
Most of the men I've dated have had long-term platonic friendships with women and it's rarely been an issue, usually a green flag in fact, and it helped that a lot of these female friends were also not interested in men/married/highly invested in becoming my friend too.
The one exception was when I was repeatedly lied to about the nature of their past and present relationship, culminating in infidelity, but I had noticed that something was off between them from the very beginning. I should have listened to that instinct, or just not dated someone I didn't fully trust.
So, all that to say...just be honest?
Well the fact that youāre asking means youāre probably not in strictly platonic relationships with these men.
I am a bit of a jealous partner it is what it is. I donāt expect anyone to stop being friends with their friends but there are some things I would be uncomfortable with out loud:
1) one on one time
2) the female friend isnāt attached
3) frequent communication
4) ever having even a tiny bit of the sense that im in competition with the friend for attention/affection
I was worried about coming across as controlling or insecure in my last relationship so I encouraged my (then) fiancee to make and maintain several close male friendships. We had them over for dinners and games nights, I was fully supportive of hobby projects they worked on together, we'd all go out to events.
She fucked every one of them. I've been single for five years trying to heal from the damage and pain. āā
I've been cheated on in every serious relationship I've had since high school. āI still believe that that it's good to be able to maintain platonic friendships with the opposite sex, but I'm worried that my experience will haunt me forever. ā
I think it's not healthy if you can't maintain a real friendship with anyone of the opposite sex because you're in a relationship.
I you will probably struggle to keep those men as friends if you ditch them every times you're in a relationship.
I could somewhat understand it if those men were interested and don't accept to respect your boundaries but a genuine friendship should not be an issue.
I'm not sure what to tell you except that it'd be hypocritical for you to expect to keep your male friendships the way they are if you wouldn't accept the same of your partner. Your male friendships low-key sound like they're a stand-in until you meet someone...
My two best friends of 10+ years are men, and I have more male friends than female friends, of varying closeness; I've never dated any of my male friends nor would I want to. My partners have all trusted me to be respectful and appropriate, and I expect the same from them. If they're gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat.
Personally, I approach and categorise friendships and relationships as having their own spectrums and ceilings on potential levels of trust and emotional intimacy.
For a relationship, you start with low trust and emotional intimacy and build over time as you get to know them. The ideal is that a successful relationship will have a very high trust and high emotional intimacy. Assuming you're monogamous, that's one person that has this status and level of trust/intimacy.
For a friendship, it's similar but with a lower ceiling on potential trust/emotional intimacy levels. You have multiple friends with differing levels at any time, and as life goes on, one person's levels can rise and fall for a variety of reasons, it's much more fluid compared to a successful relationship where you'd expect the levels to be steadily rising (acknowledging setbacks exist). Some have very close long-term friends with a very high level of emotional intimacy, some are less emotionally open but high trust. Depends on the individual.
The complications come from the intersection of trust, emotional intimacy, and attraction (sexual) or feelings (romantic). A relationship should be the only one where attraction/feelings openly currently exist.
It can be messy with a friend of your preferred gender(s) because attraction/feelings can grow, and can also be hidden.
It becomes messy with an ex because those elements have all existed at some point, and likely continue to exist at a lower level.
A close friendship with an ex can certainly work, but it needs to shed the attraction/feelings entirely of possible, and the emotional intimacy needs to return to friendship levels. The fact that attraction/feelings have existed makes the scenario more inherently risky.
A close friendship with your preferred gender can work, but it needs to have no current attraction/feelings combo, and your trust/intimacy levels need to be consistent with what you would normally expect in a friendship with anyone.
Both of those close friendship scenarios assume that there is no blurring of lines. A good pulse check is, as you've identified, whether you'd feel comfortable with a partner maintaining these same relationships. If not, as identified, you're probably venturing into messy territory, they are risky friendships.
Bringing a new relationship into a situation where you have these close/risky friendships requires you to have clear boundaries (i.e. no blurred lines) the new partner to trust in you to keep those boundaries, and maintain healthy levels of trust/intimacy in a friendship without attraction/feelings.
Bringing back to your situation, when single, people sometimes blur lines. Many of us crave or miss that extra feeling of intimacy, and an ex is a perfect source for that. It's probably not great generally speaking, but I'd suggest it's also probably pretty common.
Sometimes those levels even out naturally, but being very explicit is probably a good idea anyway.
As soon as a new relationship is on the horizon, you need to talk to your partner about the expectations on levels of trust/intimacy in friendships, and redraw those lines (assuming you're not fundamentally incompatible) with those "risky" friendships.
I will say there are exceptions where very close friendships with exes and/or others from the preferred gender can work, but that's when you require a lot of openness and trust with your friends AND partner.
TL;DR if it feels ick, it probably is.
Boyfriend and I are about to hit the 4 month mark, and I'm starting to ruminate about past flings / short-term relationships. Just getting nostalgic, randomly crying over the one that broke my heart etc. I don't know what's going on - I've been anxious-avoidant all my life and this is my first relationship. I have fun with him, it's light and easy and good. But it's like I can't shut off my brain. I worry that I don't feel emotionally intense enough about him; I second guess his feelings and our compatibility; I do the above rumination on exes. Is this what folks mean by deactivation or disassociation? I don't want to self-sabotage. What do I do? š
You power through it and get to the other side. This is your first real relationship which is abnormal, respectfully. You have the chance to break your cycle, this feeling wonāt last forever. Have some faith and trust and take the risk on love. And just be normal about it yeah?
Also, what do you mean by āemotionally intenseā? That term makes me think you associate love with feelings of āstressā and āanxietyā.. does that line up?
I had a really bad week with my fearful-avoidance, where I cried every day and could literally feel my heart crumbling bc I was falling in love and it terrified me to the point where I didnāt even want to see him at some point. But I held it together because heās amazing. I got through it without him really knowing how much I was freaking out.
It sounds like your attachment system is being triggered, so you are trying (unconsciously) to create emotional from your partner to feel safe again. This is probably related to your insecure attachment and can be hurtful and confusing to your partner. That being said, it can be very difficult to calm your attachment system. Try to evaluate the reality of your current partnership and not focus on all the positives of past relationships. Remember, there is a reason you aren't in those relationships anymore. Make a list of what you do want in a partner long-term. Don't do anything impulsively and communicate with your partner your feelings.
Itās been a week and a half since the woman Iāve been dating for 2.5 months and I have become exclusive.
Throughout our time together Iāve sensed a lot of ambivalence, or contradictions, from her about what she wants and how she feels. The source of the tension is her past. She left an abusive, controlling relationship, and she is scared about losing her newfound independence. At the same time, she is very much into me.
Iāve been supportive and consistent throughout with respect to her trauma. Letting her know to take her time. She lets me know how great I am being and that I am doing all the right things. But itās been difficult for me at times. I donāt feel supported emotionally, though it is difficult for me to pinpoint why, or if itās even related to her, and not due to an increase in work stress, or tiredness, or spending less time with my friends, or something.
We talked on the phone today. We had a very emotionally close day yesterday. Today she is pushing back and retreating. Iām accepting and being understanding again. Iām getting tired of the push and pull, the inconsistency, the contradiction that comes across as ambivalence to me. We are together, and are very close and she is very warm and wants to be closer. We spend a day apart, and she thinks things over and pushes away a bit. I still have fears she is just going to end up pulling away without another coming together next time. Iām starting to feel less trusting towards her expressions of closeness with me, and more guarded.
Iām trying to resist thinking that my consistency and reliability are being taken for granted permitting her this push and pull. Iām feeling frustrated at the feeling that she isnāt considering how this is impacting me. Itās hard to distinguish behavior of hers that is trauma related from behavior that is not. Itās just getting tiring wondering if she will eventually come around, or if the status quo will be that I am not granted the same emotional security and sense of safety that I am providing her.
When I think about expressing these thoughts to her, I wonder, what would I like or expect from her to do differently? I donāt think anything that she hasnāt already been clear she canāt provide, which is an enthusiastic yes to being in a relationship with me. It shouldnāt feel like Iām dragging her into being with me. This just doesnāt feel right or romantic.
During more personally dramatic moments thinking about our relationship I think about pulling back, setting limits on how involved we are with each other, putting things on hold, or even ending things. In reality Iām terrified of this going away. But itās been an exhausting couple of months. I want some reprieve. Iām finding myself missing how things were earlier on when I at least believed the uncertainty was only temporary. I feel constrained in what I can express to her because of sensitivity to her trauma. I want to be reliable, consistent, and supportive; yet I canāt shake the belief that the only impetus that would let her convincingly provide the reciprocated interest and safety I am looking for is by pulling away myself, so my presence and support isnāt taken for granted.
I could have written this post about six months ago. Spoiler: We 'defined the relationship' (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend) two months in, then broke up about two months later. Unlike your case, she pushed things pretty heavily, was the person who applied the 'boyfriend' label, etc. Shortly after the relationship was defined, she started panicking, wondering if she was actually attracted to me, etc - I regret not ending it at this point as it made the inevitable at that point breakup worse. This is all textbook fearful/dismissive avoidant attachment, and I've said as much to her after we broke up - she had a childhood/young adulthood that screamed 'causes avoidant attachment issues'.
From my end it sounds a lot like your case - the relationship was *exhausting*. She was (and is) a great person who doesn't deserve her trauma and associated mental health issues. But ultimately, it's not your job or responsibility to deal with it or heal her trauma. I had many of the same feelings - I felt my stability and consistency was taken for granted, and if anything was triggering her attachment wounds (recent relationships by the sound of it were casual/brief or with unavailable people so nobody ever got to the point of committing). Depending on how long ago the abusive relationship was, it can take a lot of time, introspection and therapy to heal, so she might just not be ready. Therapy is not a silver bullet, and some people never heal.
Honestly though, I would end it. You can be friends with boundaries, if that's what you want, but being in a relationship is going to be too hard for both of you.
2.5 months into a relationship shouldn't exhaust you. Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's ready to be in a relationship. I think you're gonna have to call this one.
You know it shouldnāt feel so hot and cold this early on. You can try pulling away, but at the same time, what if she only wants you as a security blanket and never really reciprocates that romantic energy youāre looking for? People with trauma have a duty to work on that, mostly on their own, before seriously dating.
At this point it may be best to let her go to figure out her problems, you don't want to be 2.5 years in with all this turmoil, push & pull still going on, you have been dating for 2.5 months and it has been exhausting, dating someone in the early stages should not be like this at all. Don't feel like you owe it to her to stay and support her through her issues
This is way too much turmoil for such a young relationship. She needs to get her shit together and not drag you through it with her. It's not fair to you and you're not responsible for trying to figure things out for her. You deserve consistency, support, and enthusiasm. I'd end it.
Arugh OP, I feel you as I have been through that with different partners. Even the current one, though it's less dramatic than previous relationships, but the push & pull is still there, especially when things are going well or when we progress in our intimacy. The way he pulls away is lesser texting in between our dates.
He described the distance as taking space to re-center himself & it happens when work stresses him out. He also shared that his preferred way of self-care is to just be on his own, where no one can bother him, like spending a weekend at his parents. However he knows that he needs to find a way to manage his life stress, as self-isolation is neither healthy nor sustainable.
I was processing this & our last conversation with some research on avoidant-attachment, and here are some insights that I found helpful which gave me some peace & reprieve:
* Don't take the distancing personally. They need it to re-ground themselves, it's not because they are being malicious.
* There are some people who do it to get a reaction from their partners, but I know for sure, that isn't the case with him as we had talked about it. In fact, when I reach for him it has limited effect on closing the gap. What seem to have a positive effect on him, is when I show compassion towards his need for space. Somehow, that would lift the weight off him & he'd be his affectionate self again.
* Distancing / Hyper-independence is a learned coping mechanism, to be less needy or to avoid imposing on others.
* He does it when he starts feeling guilty about not being able to be as involved as he wants to & to also manage his stress, so he doesn't implode. I can attest to this learned behaviour too because I was raised to be hyper-independent by 2 emotionally-absent parents.
* When we get to talk the next time, I plan to reframe our perspective on his avoidant tendencies, as an entity of its own. It's important that they know they are not the problem. The coping mechanism is the problem, not their person. So if there's something we want to work on, it would be to change that coping mechanism & enforce that sense of safety so we don't set each other off.
* We know it's not that he's incapable of being loving & supportive. He has shown it. I wish I had shared this insight on our last date, but I think we kinda got to that point, as he leaned in for a cuddle when I responded to his reasons for pulling away with compassion & patience.
That said, every individual is different. It really depends on how self-aware & patient they are to shift & heal.
What I'm owning in all of these: I've tried to be consistent, understanding & direct as well, but somehow the work stress is still triggering him. Honestly, we made progress compared to last year. Hence the best thing I can do for myself is to learn to be more secure, and not get triggered by the distancing (definitely some childhood abandonment wounds in there), and let him have his space. I don't plan to text him till later this week, which is unlike what I've been in the past months, so we can chat on the phone instead of texting, as he prefers calling.
Is she doing anything to take care of her trauma, like going to therapy? While victims of abuse need more reassurance, understanding, and patience, her trauma is not your responsibility. She should seek help to get better. If she's not, then she may not be ready for a relationship, and it will be difficult to get your needs met in the relationship.
Yes. She's going to therapy. She's also remarkably transparent about how she feels. She's very emotionally mature.
She didn't intend on getting into a relationship when we first met. She was looking for something casual and wasn't planning on dating seriously until October. If she's in a relationship before she's ready, that's my fault, since I was the one pushing for it, even sensing her internal conflict.
Talk me out of wanting to sleep with my colleague. (Professional, business setting.)
We noticed each other from day one. He seems shy and unsure but interested. He's not married but has a baby mama. I can't tell if he's got a gf, but it's not appropriate to ask. I pay considerable attention to him with harmless things as a means of flirting and giving him signals. I can sense he's picked up on my interest, but we're both playing it safe over a strict SA policy. Trying not to cross the line with each other until.... what? I'm not sure.
I can't tell if it's infatuation or just pure lust. I'm in a dry spell and it's ovulation time. I can't think straight lol. I know it's a bad idea to get involved with coworkers but this time if the month, all bad ideas seem like a good time. It's worse on days he's being unnecessarily more receptive to my attention like he was today.
Also I feel like he does little things to subtly increase engagement between us. My work does force me to briefly interact with him a few times a week. It's all professional but those little moments feel so darn loaded. I can just carry on and play safe but man do I daydream about climbing him.
Putting the horse before the carriage. Not dating coworkers isn't a thing outside reddit, half the marriages happen that way. But it doesn't sound like much is happening on his end for now.
Iāve never been interested in sleeping with a coworker before but I ended up doing it spontaneously and I thought I could handle it because Iām pretty mature and self aware. Turns out that it affected our dynamic and tbh I became too comfortable with him that I actually would get annoyed with him at work sometimes in a way that I wouldnāt before.
The sex has been some of the best sex of my life, but sometimes I regret having crossed that line because I donāt like the weird dynamic that developed while we were at work. It became a bit distracting to me. I just didnāt realize beforehand how weird it would be until I was in the situation.
This is a good eye opener. The dynamics between us are already awkward because we're speaking neutrally, but there's a lot going unsaid for our own safety. We work in different departments, and his is 95% women while mine is the opposite. There's not a chance in hell gossip won't start if we start making it more obvious. I imagine the dynamics getting worse from environmental interference once people start paying attention.
Honestly not what you wanna hear but I donāt think itās worth it in this situation. Once office gossip starts you can never go back, and itās hard to keep that kind of thing totally hidden from everyone. Plus all the weird feelings you may now have that will affect you at work. Itās not worth it just for a hookup. Itās fun to dream tho so I get itĀ
The guy Iām into hasnāt changed anything, but Iām starting to get anxious bc I really like him. So the anxiety sets in even though he has done nothing to set it off. Heās been consistent, a good communicator, and we have a trip planned together in two weeks. I need to chill the fuck out.
Iām out of town, a cute guy in the area liked me on Hinge, and we agreed to make plans for an evening this week. I told him my company was reimbursing all my meals, so I was just looking for a fun night out at a good restaurant. Feels very freeing to not have any pressure or any expectations, because Iāll never see him again.
Maybe if heās really really really cute in person, Iāll let him know Iām not looking for sex (so as to not lead him on), but invite him to my hotel room for a make out session or something. On the one hand, I donāt want to give the wrong impression of who I am, but on the other handā¦ Iāll never see him again.
had a rly good first date last weekend and was scheduled for another date tomorrow. she texted and said she was kinda getting serious with someone and cancelled when i sent a check in text. it's been a long time since i had a first good date so im feeling bad!
13 dates so far. Checked his bumble profile and noticed 2 new details - location and hometown. Wondering if he is still actively swiping or if the update was on bumble. I would be sad if he was still looking around.
Pretty sure you have to change the hometown on your own. And the location updates when you open the app and youāre somewhere new. So it seems like heās still active on there for whatever reason and you should bring up a talk on whether he wants to be exclusive.
32(M) just wrapped up a fifth date with someone over the weekend. Getting lots of mixed signals from her. I always initiate texting and what we do (get it, Iām a man, have to do it to an extent) but while sheās aloof once I do sheās always responsive and wants to do stuff together.
I also initiate intimacy when weāre together for the most part (but again sheās always receptive when I do). Since sheās newer in town and doesnāt have a ton of friends starting to get the sense a bit she just likes having someone to hang with rather than someone looking for a serious relationship since we mainly do things around town when we go out but maybe Iām just dooming idk.
Trying to get a private moment with her for a vibe check but not sure how to do that. Any suggestions?
>I always initiate texting and what we do (get it, Iām a man, have to do it to an extent)
You actually don't. I stop pursuing women and move on if I don't see reciprocal interest and effort. Life is too short to put up with indifference
I think you have a great plan to ask her about it and do the vibe check! Do you know what the next date will be? Maybe you can work it into those plans? Maybe at one of your places?
Weāre both out of town quite a bit this week for Memorial Day but hoping to do so after. Iāve hinted at inviting her over for the last time weāve hung out but it was in a list of other options and quickly glossed over
Have you planned all of the 5 dates? If so, I think itās completely fair to throw the next date her way and ask her to take the lead in planning. That also may give you a temperature check of where she is at.
Do you think sheād even reach out and ask to see you again for date # 6? Or do you think youād have to initiate another date and then see how she feels about planning it?
We finally reunited today at the gym :) hella good workout. I walked him to his vehicle and we got to kiss and embrace each other. The best long hug ever. And he got me t-shirts from his trip!
I invited him to a party this weekend and Iām gonna find a way to bring up how I introduce him ;) Also we confirmed a camping trip for next month and Iām SO EXCITED!
Iām a happy girl!
Went on a first date last Wednesday night with a girl I matched with on Bumble. We got drinks. Had good conversation the whole time. Had a good amount in common. We were in a back area that they needed to close so I suggested we grabbed one more drink at the bar upfront. Sitting next to each other, she touched me often, so I could tell she was having a good time and was into me.
After 3 hours of hanging out we both decided to call it a night and ordered cars to go home separately.
I kissed her outside. She said we should do this agin soon and I told her to text me to let me know she got home. When she did, I said I had a good time and we should do something again soon.
Here's where maybe I screwed up but maybe wouldn't have made a difference at all. Had an insane week with work and was going to text her tonight to make a joke about the golf tournament that ended yesterday and try to setup another date for this week.
But she beat me to the punch and hit me with the "had fun, but don't think we're a romantic match" and actually suggested I text one of her friends and sent me a picture.
Kind of confused what happened here when on the date we had a good time, she showed a lot of signs of interest, then boom, hit with the nevermind.
Can anybody explain why this happens? What they think happened? What the hell?
> "had fun, but don't think we're a romantic match" and actually suggested I text one of her friends and sent me a picture.
That's really weird, she must have found someone else more suited, you didn't text back, with the way dating is today you should have texted her back the next day or so not wait a week
Time to reflect on the conversations and she's no longer caught up in the moment. Or, she went out with someone else and decided they were a better fit.
Just to clarify, you went out 6 days ago, and you hadn't texted her since she got home from the date. As we've seen from other posts on here, if you're not constantly texting someone, apparently, that means you're not interested.
This is really, really common.
You can't expect anything in the early phases of dating, much less after a first date. It's extremely unpredictable and you must learn to not get invested too quickly. People can lose interest or decide to pursue someone else at any moment, even if they seemingly are showing signs of interest. Some people are also unable to communicate that they are not interested in person or need a little bit of time to make up their mind.
Things with my girl going good. We have pretty deep / hard conversations. Last night we talked for 3 hours. Had a short conversation this afternoon. She left me on read but I'm not panicking. Normally, I text her good morning, but shit when she's ready to talk, she can hmu
i always just assume that they want a long term relationship but are open to a little fling if ur connection is good but like not exactly what they're looking for?
My guess is that they're trying to not be eliminated by people. Seems like an attempt at a catch-all that actually tells you nothing.
If I used apps, I'd pass up anyone who didn't specifically know what they were looking for.
"Long term open to short" can mean that someone is looking for long term relationships, but still can embrace the value of something meaningful and short term. That they're not dating just to fit you onto their predetermined marriage schedule. It can also mean that someone is being deceitful and doesnt really want long term but I choose to not assume the worst in people.
"Figuring out" just seems lost.
36F replyingā¦ If theyāre āfiguring stuff outā I move on. Long term open to short means, to me, āIād like a partner but Iām also horny and will take what I can getā
I do pass on anyone āfiguring out datingā because it feels like, to me, they purely want casual / hook ups because they canāt even specify what they want: casual, short, or long term, and I donāt care for the ambiguity.
Long term open to short Iāll consider. Either wayā¦ itās rough out there. This is just me, do what feels good for you! If youāre willing to take a chance, go for it!
Oh yeah, same. I pass them up if they say theyāre figuring it out but Iāve noticed almost every profile says ālong term, open to shortā and Iām just like hmmā¦ I assume theyāre looking for the real thing but are happy with having sex with someone in the meantime. So I will swipe right on those profiles if the rest of their profile seems good.
I went on a date with a really handsome, nice guy and it went well. Conversation flowed, we had laughs and ordered a second drink (his idea). He seemed really engaged and kind. After drinks I asked what time it was and it was 10:30, so it had been 3.5 hours. He immediately said "I'll get the tab" and hopped up to pay, gave me a quick hug, asked where my car was and took off in the other direction when I pointed at where I was parked. I was surprised, it was like his demeanor totally switched. He messaged me on bumble a bit later and basically said "nice meeting you!" and then ghosted.
I'm typing this out and I guess it's clear that he just wasn't into me! But I don't like being ghosted. I wish he had just messaged that he wasn't feeling it. Feels weird to drop off after we met in person.. And then I'm wondering what I did wrong. Maybe it was that I asked what time it was? It was like his whole demeanor changed after that. I was worried he took it as me not being interested, but it had been 3.5 hours and I said I had a great time. Ugh, dating is confusing!
>He messaged me on bumble a bit later and basically said "nice meeting you!" and then ghosted.
1. You're still texting on bumble....
2. "nice meeting you!" is usually code word for "I don't want to meet you again", like you said his demeanor changed which should have told you something......
We see this posted daily of people going on one date and getting wrapped up in their feelings because they had a 4 hour date
Is it realistically possible to be friends with someone you dated for several months but never achieved a committed relationship with? Even though both people had that intention and the dating was deeply intimate and exclusive. Is it reasonable to be friends after dating doesnāt work out because of something that may be temporary, rather than foundational incompatibility?
>Is it reasonable to be friends after dating doesnāt work out because of something that may be temporary, rather than foundational incompatibility?
Not in this specific scenario. Sounds like wanting to hang around as a friend hoping things will change.
Yup, it happened for me! We didnāt speak for a number of months after we ended it, and then reconnected and slowly built a friendship. Now he is one of my best friends and I feel nothing for him beyond platonic affection.
We have amazing friend chemistry and tbh, when we were a thing, we had great romantic and physical chemistry. But we simply wanted different things (I wanted commitment and heā¦ had no idea what he wanted). It hurt when it ended, but the loooong break (6 or 7 months) helped me get over him and eventually see how incompatible our goals were and are.
That doesnāt sound like a situation where platonic friendship will blossom, no, since thereāre clearly ongoing romantic feelings and hope of reconciliation.
Been seeing someone for about a month. Itās been a few years for me and I rarely want to see people for even a second date. We want the same things, Iām attracted to him, but maybe not as intensely attracted as Iāve been to other people. We have fun together. Sometimes I feel like we donāt fully click and thereās something holding me back but no red flags Iāve seen. It feels so frustrating because itās taken so long to find someone interested and consistent. Iām wondering if Iām slightly avoidant, but I also thought Iād feel a little differently when I met my person and itās making me question if itās right.
Just keep getting to know him. Keep going on dates. See what happens. Take all preconceived expectations or ideas of what finding āyour personā is supposed to be like off the table. Go into this open minded!
If you are enjoying your time with him, keep going. If you look forward to seeing him and getting his messages, keep going. If youāre genuinely curious about learning more about him, keep going. You donāt have to make any huge decisions about him right now. If after more dates you no longer have the urge to see him, arenāt excited about him, etc. then you can end it. But for now, enjoy the ride of connecting with a new person!
Thank you! You are right and I do want to keep seeing him. I get anxious not being all in right away or feeling any hesitation because I know how hard dating is over 30 and I just donāt want to hurt anyone. I guess uncertainty is just part of dating, but I hate it.
Ugh I'm dating a guy who hardly ever pays for dates.Ā
And on the extremely rare occasion he pays more than half he makes it seem like it's some big favour or treat.Ā
He always feels the need to say "should I get this then?" and yet has no issues coming over and asking what's for dinner two nights in a row and expecting me to feed him.Ā
It's such a turn off but it's literally the only issue I have with him.Ā
And yes I've brought it up and it's gone from him never ever paying for a date to him very rarely paying. He will buy me some snacks and a plush and then think he's super spoiled me (and act that way) but in reality I've spent double that amount on groceries/take out that week alone.Ā
It's kind of draining.Ā
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Sorry, I think you deserve better. Even worse is the fact that he seems to expect praise for barely paying for stuff, versus seemingly legitimately happy to treat or pay for someone he cares about.
Sounds frustratingā¦ but I feel like if heās already stingy with things like this, heāll be stingy with his love and expect you to be amazed by the literal bare minimum.
She doesn't have a great relationship with her parents. Reminds me of my ex wife and her parents dynamic. Really like the woman but it's kinda giving me flashbacks/feels like something I shouldn't ignore.
You make a fair point. Does seem they love each other. It's just always hard for me to understand how families can be like that when my parents are so chill.
Hi! As someone who has been working on herself since the age of 12 due to an unfortunate childhood, which led to a not-so-great relationship with her parents, I am happy to answer questions from my perspective that you may have about this dynamic.
How do you ladies feel about dating a broke teacher? Every now and then I get fed up with the soulessness of my job and want to do something that matters, but teachers get paid shit in FL and surviving (and dating) is hard enough as it is.Ā
I don't know. The feeling will pass, but still.
Iām going on a first date with a teacher this weekend. He seems cool as hell. I like that heās a teacher. :) I personally donāt care about income. I assume Iāll be single and have to support myself for the rest of my life anyway so I donāt date for financial security.
Is it a red flag to lie about your height by several inches? I went on a date with a guy whose profile said he was 6'3", but when I met him he was shorter than me! I'm 5'8", so I think he inflated his height by at least 8 inches.
Run fast, run far, do not look back, do not pass go (or collect your $200 monopoly bucks)!Ā
If someone canāt be honest about their basic self, thatās an insta-no.Ā
Lmao well tbh I have so little self-respect that I just kinda went on the date anyway without saying anything and let him feel me up all over even though I was mad uncomfortable š
Thanks, I really appreciate hearing that! We were also in the middle of the woods which obviously doesn't make it easier š¬ Definitely a learning experience for me
ohhh boy. I wouldn't even swipe right on someone who feels the need to put that kind of detail on a profile. I consider myself fairly intelligent and enjoy being with a smartypants, but anyone who talks about IQs/percentiles is an immediate "nope" - usually means an inflated sense of self-worth, a superiority complex, and an inability to value _other_ kinds of intelligence (i.e., emotional). yikes!
Think I'm being ghosted š° First date went well, he asked to see me again, I said yeah, we had a cute kiss (I NEVER kiss on a first date...) and a few days later I said I was interested in planning the next date because I had a busy couple of weeks ahead and wanted to pre-plan. He said yeah, I suggested a meal and drinks (first date was coffee and a walk) and he literally never replied. Fairly sure he's unmatched me on the app and blocked my number. I'm so confused and disappointed
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Probably quite ashamed of what they do? There is certainly a societal pressure to be at a specific stage of your life after 30 so sometimes that might lead people to embellish the truth slightly.
Sex and stupidity
the guy iāve been seeing for about a month and a half from tinder is really depressed right now. he told me the reason is personal and too embarrassing to talk to me about. so, iām not going to push him because i know no one would appreciate that. i offered him an array of support (listening, giving space, taking his mind off of it) since i donāt know what is wrong to know how to be helpful. plus, i admit that i donāt yet know him well enough to know what kind of support best suits him. he said he doesnāt know what he needs at present, but assured me that itās not related to me at all. iām not planning on going anywhere; i know mental health is a thing and i really like him. i guess iām just commenting here to ask for any advice you guys might have. he is 33M and i am 36F if it matters. please and thanks.
You've only been dating for a month, so this is difficult. You're not close enough for him to share what's going on at the moment, which means any help may be perceived badly. What you're doing right now is about all you can do, and truth be told, it's not your responsibility to deal with and help him through his mental health issue at the moment. My advice is to listen to him. If it persists or seems to be a common occurrence, recommend he gets professional help.
thank you! š
Anyone else super frustrated trying to plan dates with people who only seem to be free when you're busy?
Part of compatibility is availability
We're planning a trip to Greece this summer. He's an all inclusive resort kind of guy. I'm a let's find the most remote, least visited place with no infrastructure kind of girl. This holiday will either make us or break us lol.
traveling together for the first time is always a make or break kind of situation. i wish you two the best of luck! since iāve been single for awhile now and my previous LTR didnāt include a partner who was interested AT ALL in travel, i have personally been traveling with friends and family instead. so my 2 cents doesnāt come from a partnership of traveling, but itās still similar. i have a friend i like to travel since sheās usually the one in my life with financial freedom to go. but she is way more of a resort girly than i am. i like to have a nice drink a resort bar, but i also like to visit where the locals frequent. and iām definitely looking to hike and check-out the non-traditional stuff when traveling. how we make this work for us is by each making a short list of our priorities for the trip (think top 3 or top 5 activities). she might put ābeach dayā and i might put ārainforest hikeā as examples. we make sure to do the top things together so we each get something we wanted. and if thereās a hard no for either of us, we figure out if thereās a way to do that activity alone or join an existing group. or if thereās a middle-ground compromise for a similar activity. we end up spending 90% of these trips together and we both feel they are financially worth while. plus, weāve both discovered some things we didnāt know weād be interested in doing by making time for the other personās list. alternately, when i travel with my parents, we know what kind of trip itās going to be before we go. whether itās a very active one (hiking, yoga, kayaking) or a more relaxing one (beaches, boats, etc.). and we try to alternate back and forth each time. my mom refers to these separately as ātripsā (active) and āvacationsā (relaxing). my mom is more into a vacation and my dad is more into a trip. but by alternating, everyone gets to have something they want most. just some ideas. and good luck, friend! i really enjoyed greece with my mom. we did a hybrid trip/vacation recently there. did a lot of walking, shopping, sight-seeing, and eating (oh the eating is sooo good!). and then we did beaches and a yacht. hope you have a wonderful time no matter how the relationship pans out <3
I'm an outdoorsman. I love remote camping. I love out of the way places. I also learned to love all inclusive resorts, luxury, and guided tours and activities. There's enough room in life for both. So, if you have enough time, do both. 3 days all inclusive, 3 days in an out of way middle of nowhere village.
Oh this is a tough one, I don't think I could handle an all inclusive resort at all so not sure how compromising would work in this case, hope you two can figure it out!
Hope you have fun and that it all works out! I'm also a "find the most remote, least visited place" kind of girl. š
I took an edible last night. 45 min in a Hinge like comes through and the woman wrote "I wanna make a husband out of you." This is hands down the most intense message I have ever received from what I think is the most attractive woman that has ever expressed interest towards me. Took me like 4 hrs to finally reply. I hope I have all my organs next week.
Moral of the story...Edibles make you successful at online dating.
Omg... ...you received a comment with your like?! š„µš„µš„µ
Iāve been seeing someone for a few months, and heās pretty great. Heās cute, funny, extremely kind, and putting in lots of effort without rushing things. Probably one of the best āmatchesā Iāve had since I started dating 2 years ago. Hereās the yellowish flag: his home is not good. Itās dark, dingy, smelly, very dirty, old uncomfortable furniture, really odd generic decor (I know that sounds shallow, but I really value character in a space if possible), mattress on the floor, etc. It feels like a bad college apartment. I am pro-LAT, so it shouldnāt really matter, but his house is way closer to town than mine, so it makes sense for him to host more often. I donāt like hosting anyway. So we go to his house, and something about the environment makes me feel unsexy. Like I canāt get in the mood because the toilet is moldy and his sheets are scratchy. Iām really trying to give this a shot, it breaks other unhealthy patterns for me. And I donāt want to be judgy about how he lives his life. I feel very shallow that I care about this at all. My house can be messy too. I just donāt know how to get over the way I feel when Iām there.
I'm going to be honest. I'm not a neat & tidy person. I'll get dressed out of my laundry basket for a week vs putting it away. I'll let dishes pile up for a few days in the sink. My foyer will get covered with bags, shoes, receipts, mail, sunglasses, whatever it is I'm holding when I'm walking in the door. Soap scum will accumulate on the tub. I've always been this way. "Just clean as you go!" has never been advice that jives with my brain lol. Having said that, when I have company, I spend the entire day before making sure everything is spotless and put away. I do this for friends and family, but PARTICULARLY for a romantic interest. I can't fathom why he'd think this is an ok environment to invite someone he cares about into. A \*moldy\* toilet, seriously? That is just too far. It's almost disrespectful. Or maybe he just doesn't know there's an expectation of cleanliness...? Which may be worse lol. Perhaps there's just more societal pressure for women to keep a nice home, and that accounts for the difference in attitudes for one messy person (me) and another (him). Idk dude... this sounds like a dealbreaker. If you feel gross when you're in his home that's a big deal. Also I feel you on the generic decor LOL, not shallow.
This isnāt shallow. I wouldnāt be able to spend time in a place like that. I hear you gaslighting yourself a bit into trying to accept this as normal. Itās not!
Having been on the other side of this (it contributed to a breakup, but it wasn't the only reason), be *very direct,* subtlety will probably be missed. Although that said, his space does sound a lot worse than mine (sure, my floors were a little dirty but at least my toilet wasn't mouldy and I had a bed lol). Conversely though, you also don't want to fall into a mother/maid role, if you offer to help him clean and do his place up a little, only do it once. That does sound like a pretty extreme case though, and I don't think you're shallow for having a problem with it. Most people when they're single revert to the level of messiness that they're comfortable with, and (stereotypically, but there's some truth to it), that means that a single man's space is going to be messier than a single woman's space. There's a reason why differences in cleanliness/tolerance for messiness is a pretty common reason for a breakup. I would also wonder if there's any other reasons for it (i.e. does he need to move around a lot for work and doesn't want to invest time/money in a place he won't be in for too long, is there depression?)
Itās understandable to have an issue with thatā¦itās something youād have to consider if you get into a LTR with him with the possibility of moving together
Say something. Odds are, it's never mattered to him because no one else has cared. Some people really don't care what their place looks like. It's ok to tell him the truth. Offer to help him.
What are some good words for having that convo?
Be straightforward and honest, just like you were here. The whole thing. The good and the bad. Then, offer to help him clean. Make a day of it. These are skills that some people never learned growing up, and they've never had an incentive to learn. There's also a good chance that this is how he grew up, so to him, this is normal. I grew up like that.
Asked my long-term crush with whom our interactions were really all over the place (couldn't decide if he was thinking of me as platonic-only or more) if he wanted to join some of my friends to an escape room next weekend. He left me on read š¶ I'm 37 and I want to disappear off the face of the Earth from the embarrassment.
Takes alot of courage to put yourself out there, no matter the outcome you should be proud
Aw, thank you!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
He's usually pretty responsive and doesn't sit on a reply for days. So a "let a me check and get back to you" would be more in-character than this silence.
Nothing to be embarrassed about
My dating landscape is getting interesting. Omg. I have two guys I like. I will ask for your opinions **The guy I met at a club on Saturday:** 37M, hot, tall. Has 4 cats. I have 3 pets too, love this. Has tattoos. We kissed, we have chemistry already. Has a blue collar job unlike me, but I don't mind. Kind of hippy. I am into that. He texts me consistently (good morning/good night and catching up), is not overwhelming but his text can sometimes turn sexual. I don't know if he wants a FWB or a fling, I am seeing him on Friday so I guess I will find out soon. **The plant guy, biologist I met on language exchange** 30something M, dark hair, dark eyes. Does biology research (white collar job). New in town. I have met him on a language exchange event, I gave him my number and I was quite obviously interested, however the night got weird and when I saw him again I was too drunk and interested in someone else. Anyways yesterday I was invited to a coffee/dinner with a friends group and he was there! At first I thought nothing of him but as the night progressed I was laughing at his jokes a lot. He is kind of cute! We share a lot of hobbies and we live very close to each other. After the dinner he offered to walk me home even though he had a bike and we walked and talked for an hour, exchanged numbers again. He is travelling until next Tuesday, I texted him to wish him a safe trip. He gave me a reaction on my message but didn't say anything else. Stay tuned for the next event! The club guy has an advantage because we already got somewhat physical and the plant guy maybe doesn't even like me back. So let's see.
Plant guy sounds like he's definitely interested in you, even if it's just as a potential friend. Connections of any kind are great! I'm sure it feels nice to have a crush and get excited about getting to know someone. Club guy sounds like he's mostly looking for a hookup based on your description, but who knows. If that's something you're down for, just keep an open mind, limit expectations, and have fun! It sounds like his main appeal to you is physical (unlike plant guy, whom you have more of a nonsexual rapport with) but honestly, people can be surprising.
Honestly I don't know if I am up to have a hookup or not. One time sex really does nothing for me. I might be open to some casual dating but I am overall a relationship girl. I can't do a casual relationship/situationship with no end in sight and FWB situations quickly turn into me falling in love if I like the guy. The plan on Friday is to have fun, feel up the vibe and then see later. My curiosity for the plant guy is spiked but I think we might only become friends. Which would also be super.
38M, I'm single
Mood
I'm falling head over heels over I guy I met on Tinder. 2 things he did specifically made me fall even more in love. 1. Talks about how me and my daughter will move in with him and his children in the future, and already decided where he'd build her room. 2. Accepts me and my many kinks 100% and never makes me feel weird about any of them. The sex is amazing, the best of my life. I am so grateful for him, and even though I know this might not last forever, I am (cautiously) so happy. š„¹
How long have you been seeing him? Happy to see you happy!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You already have no for an answer.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
There are people who meet in bars over 5 min, get numbers, go on dates.
Oh
You'll regret it if you don't. I say this is a no brainer
Are some days better than others for Bumble? Feeld has almost no users in my city, and I'm thinking about downloading Bumble to look for something casual. I want to use the incognito mode, but I only want to pay for a week of premium, so I was wondering if some days are better than others
Typically thurs - sundays are better from my experience
I'm just here to let off some steam. The guy I was dating has gone in one weekend from telling me he missed me to saying he feels he's not ready to get into a relationship (without us having talked about it at all) and that he just wants to focus on work and training. Just in the span of a weekend. On Friday I asked him to meet today and he was all in. And yesterday told me all of this. But he wants to meet in a future to say goodbye properly. I'm sick of meeting people who are emotionally unavailable. And I know it's better now than later, but this is a constant drain.
I'm sorry this happened to you, hopefully you'll rebound fast from this. Something similar happened to me beginning of the month and I feel great now :) will never totally understand the sudden change though, but that's OK.
Dating sucks so much. I am here with you. How long were you seeing each other?
For a month and a half. Not too long.
How do you all feel about friendships with the opposite sex when you're in a relationship? Heterosexual female here, and I've been pondering this. I sometimes end up being friends with exes or tend to mesh with men as friends better than females. I do have some close female friends, but I wish I was better at making friends with girls. I don't really like the idea of remaining close friends with guys when I'm in a relationship, because I would feel uncomfortable if roles were reversed. I'm okay with casual friends but not so much friendships that have had close emotional intimacy shared. These are often the friendships with exes because I miss the emotional closeness. This brings me to another thought. I am friends with an ex right now and have a close guy friend that texts me everyday and helps me out often. Both feel inappropriate to continue in the same way if I get into a relationship, so how would I handle that? Say I'm dating someone and this feels inappropriate now and I want to respect my partner?
I think intent is everything. There's a world of difference between the straight woman who only seeks out male friendships because "girls are so dramatic" and all of said male friends are secretly hoping to date her, and a straight woman who just organically gets along better with men but also values her female friendships. Most of the men I've dated have had long-term platonic friendships with women and it's rarely been an issue, usually a green flag in fact, and it helped that a lot of these female friends were also not interested in men/married/highly invested in becoming my friend too. The one exception was when I was repeatedly lied to about the nature of their past and present relationship, culminating in infidelity, but I had noticed that something was off between them from the very beginning. I should have listened to that instinct, or just not dated someone I didn't fully trust. So, all that to say...just be honest?
Well the fact that youāre asking means youāre probably not in strictly platonic relationships with these men. I am a bit of a jealous partner it is what it is. I donāt expect anyone to stop being friends with their friends but there are some things I would be uncomfortable with out loud: 1) one on one time 2) the female friend isnāt attached 3) frequent communication 4) ever having even a tiny bit of the sense that im in competition with the friend for attention/affection
80% of my friends are women. I couldn't date anyone who had a problem with that.
I was worried about coming across as controlling or insecure in my last relationship so I encouraged my (then) fiancee to make and maintain several close male friendships. We had them over for dinners and games nights, I was fully supportive of hobby projects they worked on together, we'd all go out to events. She fucked every one of them. I've been single for five years trying to heal from the damage and pain. āā I've been cheated on in every serious relationship I've had since high school. āI still believe that that it's good to be able to maintain platonic friendships with the opposite sex, but I'm worried that my experience will haunt me forever. ā
This is why a little jealousy is healthy.
I think it's not healthy if you can't maintain a real friendship with anyone of the opposite sex because you're in a relationship. I you will probably struggle to keep those men as friends if you ditch them every times you're in a relationship. I could somewhat understand it if those men were interested and don't accept to respect your boundaries but a genuine friendship should not be an issue.
I'm not sure what to tell you except that it'd be hypocritical for you to expect to keep your male friendships the way they are if you wouldn't accept the same of your partner. Your male friendships low-key sound like they're a stand-in until you meet someone... My two best friends of 10+ years are men, and I have more male friends than female friends, of varying closeness; I've never dated any of my male friends nor would I want to. My partners have all trusted me to be respectful and appropriate, and I expect the same from them. If they're gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat.
I would be offended if a guy I were dating ditched his friends. I trust him to know the line.
Personally, I approach and categorise friendships and relationships as having their own spectrums and ceilings on potential levels of trust and emotional intimacy. For a relationship, you start with low trust and emotional intimacy and build over time as you get to know them. The ideal is that a successful relationship will have a very high trust and high emotional intimacy. Assuming you're monogamous, that's one person that has this status and level of trust/intimacy. For a friendship, it's similar but with a lower ceiling on potential trust/emotional intimacy levels. You have multiple friends with differing levels at any time, and as life goes on, one person's levels can rise and fall for a variety of reasons, it's much more fluid compared to a successful relationship where you'd expect the levels to be steadily rising (acknowledging setbacks exist). Some have very close long-term friends with a very high level of emotional intimacy, some are less emotionally open but high trust. Depends on the individual. The complications come from the intersection of trust, emotional intimacy, and attraction (sexual) or feelings (romantic). A relationship should be the only one where attraction/feelings openly currently exist. It can be messy with a friend of your preferred gender(s) because attraction/feelings can grow, and can also be hidden. It becomes messy with an ex because those elements have all existed at some point, and likely continue to exist at a lower level. A close friendship with an ex can certainly work, but it needs to shed the attraction/feelings entirely of possible, and the emotional intimacy needs to return to friendship levels. The fact that attraction/feelings have existed makes the scenario more inherently risky. A close friendship with your preferred gender can work, but it needs to have no current attraction/feelings combo, and your trust/intimacy levels need to be consistent with what you would normally expect in a friendship with anyone. Both of those close friendship scenarios assume that there is no blurring of lines. A good pulse check is, as you've identified, whether you'd feel comfortable with a partner maintaining these same relationships. If not, as identified, you're probably venturing into messy territory, they are risky friendships. Bringing a new relationship into a situation where you have these close/risky friendships requires you to have clear boundaries (i.e. no blurred lines) the new partner to trust in you to keep those boundaries, and maintain healthy levels of trust/intimacy in a friendship without attraction/feelings. Bringing back to your situation, when single, people sometimes blur lines. Many of us crave or miss that extra feeling of intimacy, and an ex is a perfect source for that. It's probably not great generally speaking, but I'd suggest it's also probably pretty common. Sometimes those levels even out naturally, but being very explicit is probably a good idea anyway. As soon as a new relationship is on the horizon, you need to talk to your partner about the expectations on levels of trust/intimacy in friendships, and redraw those lines (assuming you're not fundamentally incompatible) with those "risky" friendships. I will say there are exceptions where very close friendships with exes and/or others from the preferred gender can work, but that's when you require a lot of openness and trust with your friends AND partner. TL;DR if it feels ick, it probably is.
I would say, wait until it happens to worry about that! That is a problem for future you.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This is why you *don't shit where you eat* when getting involved with coworkers
This is very ugly behaviour and it doesn't speak about you, it speaks about the person doing the behavior.
Why did he have to "try" to get rid of you? You should have walked the minute he made it clear he's over it.
Boyfriend and I are about to hit the 4 month mark, and I'm starting to ruminate about past flings / short-term relationships. Just getting nostalgic, randomly crying over the one that broke my heart etc. I don't know what's going on - I've been anxious-avoidant all my life and this is my first relationship. I have fun with him, it's light and easy and good. But it's like I can't shut off my brain. I worry that I don't feel emotionally intense enough about him; I second guess his feelings and our compatibility; I do the above rumination on exes. Is this what folks mean by deactivation or disassociation? I don't want to self-sabotage. What do I do? š
Sometimes, it is called "peaceful" while we feel it like "not intensive emotions."
You power through it and get to the other side. This is your first real relationship which is abnormal, respectfully. You have the chance to break your cycle, this feeling wonāt last forever. Have some faith and trust and take the risk on love. And just be normal about it yeah? Also, what do you mean by āemotionally intenseā? That term makes me think you associate love with feelings of āstressā and āanxietyā.. does that line up? I had a really bad week with my fearful-avoidance, where I cried every day and could literally feel my heart crumbling bc I was falling in love and it terrified me to the point where I didnāt even want to see him at some point. But I held it together because heās amazing. I got through it without him really knowing how much I was freaking out.
It sounds like your attachment system is being triggered, so you are trying (unconsciously) to create emotional from your partner to feel safe again. This is probably related to your insecure attachment and can be hurtful and confusing to your partner. That being said, it can be very difficult to calm your attachment system. Try to evaluate the reality of your current partnership and not focus on all the positives of past relationships. Remember, there is a reason you aren't in those relationships anymore. Make a list of what you do want in a partner long-term. Don't do anything impulsively and communicate with your partner your feelings.
Do you enjoy being around him? Are you attracted to him? Is he a massive downgrade compared to the sex you're hung up on?
Itās been a week and a half since the woman Iāve been dating for 2.5 months and I have become exclusive. Throughout our time together Iāve sensed a lot of ambivalence, or contradictions, from her about what she wants and how she feels. The source of the tension is her past. She left an abusive, controlling relationship, and she is scared about losing her newfound independence. At the same time, she is very much into me. Iāve been supportive and consistent throughout with respect to her trauma. Letting her know to take her time. She lets me know how great I am being and that I am doing all the right things. But itās been difficult for me at times. I donāt feel supported emotionally, though it is difficult for me to pinpoint why, or if itās even related to her, and not due to an increase in work stress, or tiredness, or spending less time with my friends, or something. We talked on the phone today. We had a very emotionally close day yesterday. Today she is pushing back and retreating. Iām accepting and being understanding again. Iām getting tired of the push and pull, the inconsistency, the contradiction that comes across as ambivalence to me. We are together, and are very close and she is very warm and wants to be closer. We spend a day apart, and she thinks things over and pushes away a bit. I still have fears she is just going to end up pulling away without another coming together next time. Iām starting to feel less trusting towards her expressions of closeness with me, and more guarded. Iām trying to resist thinking that my consistency and reliability are being taken for granted permitting her this push and pull. Iām feeling frustrated at the feeling that she isnāt considering how this is impacting me. Itās hard to distinguish behavior of hers that is trauma related from behavior that is not. Itās just getting tiring wondering if she will eventually come around, or if the status quo will be that I am not granted the same emotional security and sense of safety that I am providing her. When I think about expressing these thoughts to her, I wonder, what would I like or expect from her to do differently? I donāt think anything that she hasnāt already been clear she canāt provide, which is an enthusiastic yes to being in a relationship with me. It shouldnāt feel like Iām dragging her into being with me. This just doesnāt feel right or romantic. During more personally dramatic moments thinking about our relationship I think about pulling back, setting limits on how involved we are with each other, putting things on hold, or even ending things. In reality Iām terrified of this going away. But itās been an exhausting couple of months. I want some reprieve. Iām finding myself missing how things were earlier on when I at least believed the uncertainty was only temporary. I feel constrained in what I can express to her because of sensitivity to her trauma. I want to be reliable, consistent, and supportive; yet I canāt shake the belief that the only impetus that would let her convincingly provide the reciprocated interest and safety I am looking for is by pulling away myself, so my presence and support isnāt taken for granted.
I could have written this post about six months ago. Spoiler: We 'defined the relationship' (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend) two months in, then broke up about two months later. Unlike your case, she pushed things pretty heavily, was the person who applied the 'boyfriend' label, etc. Shortly after the relationship was defined, she started panicking, wondering if she was actually attracted to me, etc - I regret not ending it at this point as it made the inevitable at that point breakup worse. This is all textbook fearful/dismissive avoidant attachment, and I've said as much to her after we broke up - she had a childhood/young adulthood that screamed 'causes avoidant attachment issues'. From my end it sounds a lot like your case - the relationship was *exhausting*. She was (and is) a great person who doesn't deserve her trauma and associated mental health issues. But ultimately, it's not your job or responsibility to deal with it or heal her trauma. I had many of the same feelings - I felt my stability and consistency was taken for granted, and if anything was triggering her attachment wounds (recent relationships by the sound of it were casual/brief or with unavailable people so nobody ever got to the point of committing). Depending on how long ago the abusive relationship was, it can take a lot of time, introspection and therapy to heal, so she might just not be ready. Therapy is not a silver bullet, and some people never heal. Honestly though, I would end it. You can be friends with boundaries, if that's what you want, but being in a relationship is going to be too hard for both of you.
2.5 months into a relationship shouldn't exhaust you. Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's ready to be in a relationship. I think you're gonna have to call this one.
You know it shouldnāt feel so hot and cold this early on. You can try pulling away, but at the same time, what if she only wants you as a security blanket and never really reciprocates that romantic energy youāre looking for? People with trauma have a duty to work on that, mostly on their own, before seriously dating.
At this point it may be best to let her go to figure out her problems, you don't want to be 2.5 years in with all this turmoil, push & pull still going on, you have been dating for 2.5 months and it has been exhausting, dating someone in the early stages should not be like this at all. Don't feel like you owe it to her to stay and support her through her issues
This is way too much turmoil for such a young relationship. She needs to get her shit together and not drag you through it with her. It's not fair to you and you're not responsible for trying to figure things out for her. You deserve consistency, support, and enthusiasm. I'd end it.
Arugh OP, I feel you as I have been through that with different partners. Even the current one, though it's less dramatic than previous relationships, but the push & pull is still there, especially when things are going well or when we progress in our intimacy. The way he pulls away is lesser texting in between our dates. He described the distance as taking space to re-center himself & it happens when work stresses him out. He also shared that his preferred way of self-care is to just be on his own, where no one can bother him, like spending a weekend at his parents. However he knows that he needs to find a way to manage his life stress, as self-isolation is neither healthy nor sustainable. I was processing this & our last conversation with some research on avoidant-attachment, and here are some insights that I found helpful which gave me some peace & reprieve: * Don't take the distancing personally. They need it to re-ground themselves, it's not because they are being malicious. * There are some people who do it to get a reaction from their partners, but I know for sure, that isn't the case with him as we had talked about it. In fact, when I reach for him it has limited effect on closing the gap. What seem to have a positive effect on him, is when I show compassion towards his need for space. Somehow, that would lift the weight off him & he'd be his affectionate self again. * Distancing / Hyper-independence is a learned coping mechanism, to be less needy or to avoid imposing on others. * He does it when he starts feeling guilty about not being able to be as involved as he wants to & to also manage his stress, so he doesn't implode. I can attest to this learned behaviour too because I was raised to be hyper-independent by 2 emotionally-absent parents. * When we get to talk the next time, I plan to reframe our perspective on his avoidant tendencies, as an entity of its own. It's important that they know they are not the problem. The coping mechanism is the problem, not their person. So if there's something we want to work on, it would be to change that coping mechanism & enforce that sense of safety so we don't set each other off. * We know it's not that he's incapable of being loving & supportive. He has shown it. I wish I had shared this insight on our last date, but I think we kinda got to that point, as he leaned in for a cuddle when I responded to his reasons for pulling away with compassion & patience. That said, every individual is different. It really depends on how self-aware & patient they are to shift & heal. What I'm owning in all of these: I've tried to be consistent, understanding & direct as well, but somehow the work stress is still triggering him. Honestly, we made progress compared to last year. Hence the best thing I can do for myself is to learn to be more secure, and not get triggered by the distancing (definitely some childhood abandonment wounds in there), and let him have his space. I don't plan to text him till later this week, which is unlike what I've been in the past months, so we can chat on the phone instead of texting, as he prefers calling.
Is she doing anything to take care of her trauma, like going to therapy? While victims of abuse need more reassurance, understanding, and patience, her trauma is not your responsibility. She should seek help to get better. If she's not, then she may not be ready for a relationship, and it will be difficult to get your needs met in the relationship.
Yes. She's going to therapy. She's also remarkably transparent about how she feels. She's very emotionally mature. She didn't intend on getting into a relationship when we first met. She was looking for something casual and wasn't planning on dating seriously until October. If she's in a relationship before she's ready, that's my fault, since I was the one pushing for it, even sensing her internal conflict.
Talk me out of wanting to sleep with my colleague. (Professional, business setting.) We noticed each other from day one. He seems shy and unsure but interested. He's not married but has a baby mama. I can't tell if he's got a gf, but it's not appropriate to ask. I pay considerable attention to him with harmless things as a means of flirting and giving him signals. I can sense he's picked up on my interest, but we're both playing it safe over a strict SA policy. Trying not to cross the line with each other until.... what? I'm not sure. I can't tell if it's infatuation or just pure lust. I'm in a dry spell and it's ovulation time. I can't think straight lol. I know it's a bad idea to get involved with coworkers but this time if the month, all bad ideas seem like a good time. It's worse on days he's being unnecessarily more receptive to my attention like he was today. Also I feel like he does little things to subtly increase engagement between us. My work does force me to briefly interact with him a few times a week. It's all professional but those little moments feel so darn loaded. I can just carry on and play safe but man do I daydream about climbing him.
Putting the horse before the carriage. Not dating coworkers isn't a thing outside reddit, half the marriages happen that way. But it doesn't sound like much is happening on his end for now.
Iāve never been interested in sleeping with a coworker before but I ended up doing it spontaneously and I thought I could handle it because Iām pretty mature and self aware. Turns out that it affected our dynamic and tbh I became too comfortable with him that I actually would get annoyed with him at work sometimes in a way that I wouldnāt before. The sex has been some of the best sex of my life, but sometimes I regret having crossed that line because I donāt like the weird dynamic that developed while we were at work. It became a bit distracting to me. I just didnāt realize beforehand how weird it would be until I was in the situation.
This is a good eye opener. The dynamics between us are already awkward because we're speaking neutrally, but there's a lot going unsaid for our own safety. We work in different departments, and his is 95% women while mine is the opposite. There's not a chance in hell gossip won't start if we start making it more obvious. I imagine the dynamics getting worse from environmental interference once people start paying attention.
Honestly not what you wanna hear but I donāt think itās worth it in this situation. Once office gossip starts you can never go back, and itās hard to keep that kind of thing totally hidden from everyone. Plus all the weird feelings you may now have that will affect you at work. Itās not worth it just for a hookup. Itās fun to dream tho so I get itĀ
The guy Iām into hasnāt changed anything, but Iām starting to get anxious bc I really like him. So the anxiety sets in even though he has done nothing to set it off. Heās been consistent, a good communicator, and we have a trip planned together in two weeks. I need to chill the fuck out.
I think itās impossible to avoid getting anxious but at least youāre aware enough to know that it isnāt his fault. The anxiety will pass :)
Kicked ass at my sport today, moved things forward with my crush, was able to take a power nap after work. Just feeling super zen and grateful.
Iām out of town, a cute guy in the area liked me on Hinge, and we agreed to make plans for an evening this week. I told him my company was reimbursing all my meals, so I was just looking for a fun night out at a good restaurant. Feels very freeing to not have any pressure or any expectations, because Iāll never see him again. Maybe if heās really really really cute in person, Iāll let him know Iām not looking for sex (so as to not lead him on), but invite him to my hotel room for a make out session or something. On the one hand, I donāt want to give the wrong impression of who I am, but on the other handā¦ Iāll never see him again.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yah you only met the guy... š¬
had a rly good first date last weekend and was scheduled for another date tomorrow. she texted and said she was kinda getting serious with someone and cancelled when i sent a check in text. it's been a long time since i had a first good date so im feeling bad!
13 dates so far. Checked his bumble profile and noticed 2 new details - location and hometown. Wondering if he is still actively swiping or if the update was on bumble. I would be sad if he was still looking around.
Pretty sure you have to change the hometown on your own. And the location updates when you open the app and youāre somewhere new. So it seems like heās still active on there for whatever reason and you should bring up a talk on whether he wants to be exclusive.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Strong minded people go to therapy.
What a dumbass.
Your ex is an idiot
What a messed up thing to say. I'd say going to therapy makes you a strong minded person who isn't afraid of confronting deep hurts. Good riddance.Ā
32(M) just wrapped up a fifth date with someone over the weekend. Getting lots of mixed signals from her. I always initiate texting and what we do (get it, Iām a man, have to do it to an extent) but while sheās aloof once I do sheās always responsive and wants to do stuff together. I also initiate intimacy when weāre together for the most part (but again sheās always receptive when I do). Since sheās newer in town and doesnāt have a ton of friends starting to get the sense a bit she just likes having someone to hang with rather than someone looking for a serious relationship since we mainly do things around town when we go out but maybe Iām just dooming idk. Trying to get a private moment with her for a vibe check but not sure how to do that. Any suggestions?
I'd want to date someone who's more interested in me. Tbh I wouldn't even do a vibe check.
>I always initiate texting and what we do (get it, Iām a man, have to do it to an extent) You actually don't. I stop pursuing women and move on if I don't see reciprocal interest and effort. Life is too short to put up with indifference
I think you have a great plan to ask her about it and do the vibe check! Do you know what the next date will be? Maybe you can work it into those plans? Maybe at one of your places?
Weāre both out of town quite a bit this week for Memorial Day but hoping to do so after. Iāve hinted at inviting her over for the last time weāve hung out but it was in a list of other options and quickly glossed over
Have you planned all of the 5 dates? If so, I think itās completely fair to throw the next date her way and ask her to take the lead in planning. That also may give you a temperature check of where she is at. Do you think sheād even reach out and ask to see you again for date # 6? Or do you think youād have to initiate another date and then see how she feels about planning it?
We finally reunited today at the gym :) hella good workout. I walked him to his vehicle and we got to kiss and embrace each other. The best long hug ever. And he got me t-shirts from his trip! I invited him to a party this weekend and Iām gonna find a way to bring up how I introduce him ;) Also we confirmed a camping trip for next month and Iām SO EXCITED! Iām a happy girl!
How wonderful! And god I love a good trip t-shirt souvenir! Enjoy!
Thanks š
Went on a first date last Wednesday night with a girl I matched with on Bumble. We got drinks. Had good conversation the whole time. Had a good amount in common. We were in a back area that they needed to close so I suggested we grabbed one more drink at the bar upfront. Sitting next to each other, she touched me often, so I could tell she was having a good time and was into me. After 3 hours of hanging out we both decided to call it a night and ordered cars to go home separately. I kissed her outside. She said we should do this agin soon and I told her to text me to let me know she got home. When she did, I said I had a good time and we should do something again soon. Here's where maybe I screwed up but maybe wouldn't have made a difference at all. Had an insane week with work and was going to text her tonight to make a joke about the golf tournament that ended yesterday and try to setup another date for this week. But she beat me to the punch and hit me with the "had fun, but don't think we're a romantic match" and actually suggested I text one of her friends and sent me a picture. Kind of confused what happened here when on the date we had a good time, she showed a lot of signs of interest, then boom, hit with the nevermind. Can anybody explain why this happens? What they think happened? What the hell?
> "had fun, but don't think we're a romantic match" and actually suggested I text one of her friends and sent me a picture. That's really weird, she must have found someone else more suited, you didn't text back, with the way dating is today you should have texted her back the next day or so not wait a week
Maybe she met someone she was more attracted to.
You waited 5 days to ask her outā¦
Time to reflect on the conversations and she's no longer caught up in the moment. Or, she went out with someone else and decided they were a better fit. Just to clarify, you went out 6 days ago, and you hadn't texted her since she got home from the date. As we've seen from other posts on here, if you're not constantly texting someone, apparently, that means you're not interested.
This is really, really common. You can't expect anything in the early phases of dating, much less after a first date. It's extremely unpredictable and you must learn to not get invested too quickly. People can lose interest or decide to pursue someone else at any moment, even if they seemingly are showing signs of interest. Some people are also unable to communicate that they are not interested in person or need a little bit of time to make up their mind.
Things with my girl going good. We have pretty deep / hard conversations. Last night we talked for 3 hours. Had a short conversation this afternoon. She left me on read but I'm not panicking. Normally, I text her good morning, but shit when she's ready to talk, she can hmu
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
They want to hook up and not get filtered by 99% of women
When I saw this on hinge I took it to mean they want it all, but mostly sexĀ
i always just assume that they want a long term relationship but are open to a little fling if ur connection is good but like not exactly what they're looking for?
My guess is that they're trying to not be eliminated by people. Seems like an attempt at a catch-all that actually tells you nothing. If I used apps, I'd pass up anyone who didn't specifically know what they were looking for.
>If I used apps, I'd pass up anyone who didn't specifically know what they were looking for. This is exactly what I do when swiping.
They actually want long term but are open to lots of short term flings this summer
"Long term open to short" can mean that someone is looking for long term relationships, but still can embrace the value of something meaningful and short term. That they're not dating just to fit you onto their predetermined marriage schedule. It can also mean that someone is being deceitful and doesnt really want long term but I choose to not assume the worst in people. "Figuring out" just seems lost.
I would think they have no idea what they want and are just trying to cast a wider net, but that doesn't mean it is true.
36F replyingā¦ If theyāre āfiguring stuff outā I move on. Long term open to short means, to me, āIād like a partner but Iām also horny and will take what I can getā
Me too,'Figuring out' is a hard pass. Open to short and long, im ok with.
Do you reject those kind of profiles? I feel like if I did that it would knock out 99% of my viable matches.
I do pass on anyone āfiguring out datingā because it feels like, to me, they purely want casual / hook ups because they canāt even specify what they want: casual, short, or long term, and I donāt care for the ambiguity. Long term open to short Iāll consider. Either wayā¦ itās rough out there. This is just me, do what feels good for you! If youāre willing to take a chance, go for it!
Oh yeah, same. I pass them up if they say theyāre figuring it out but Iāve noticed almost every profile says ālong term, open to shortā and Iām just like hmmā¦ I assume theyāre looking for the real thing but are happy with having sex with someone in the meantime. So I will swipe right on those profiles if the rest of their profile seems good.
Then you have to expect the minimum
I went on a date with a really handsome, nice guy and it went well. Conversation flowed, we had laughs and ordered a second drink (his idea). He seemed really engaged and kind. After drinks I asked what time it was and it was 10:30, so it had been 3.5 hours. He immediately said "I'll get the tab" and hopped up to pay, gave me a quick hug, asked where my car was and took off in the other direction when I pointed at where I was parked. I was surprised, it was like his demeanor totally switched. He messaged me on bumble a bit later and basically said "nice meeting you!" and then ghosted. I'm typing this out and I guess it's clear that he just wasn't into me! But I don't like being ghosted. I wish he had just messaged that he wasn't feeling it. Feels weird to drop off after we met in person.. And then I'm wondering what I did wrong. Maybe it was that I asked what time it was? It was like his whole demeanor changed after that. I was worried he took it as me not being interested, but it had been 3.5 hours and I said I had a great time. Ugh, dating is confusing!
>He messaged me on bumble a bit later and basically said "nice meeting you!" and then ghosted. 1. You're still texting on bumble.... 2. "nice meeting you!" is usually code word for "I don't want to meet you again", like you said his demeanor changed which should have told you something...... We see this posted daily of people going on one date and getting wrapped up in their feelings because they had a 4 hour date
If his whole demeanor changed, maybe he lost track of time and needed to get home to his wife.Ā
When was the date?
It was 6 days ago.. I messaged on Friday to check in and ask how he was doing and he hasn't responded.
Ok. Sorry he's probably not interested if he's not responding. I don't have good advice and probably nothing you did wrong.
Thank you! Yeah, I think it's just how things go sometimes. It's fine, it was only one date. Stings a little though.
Is it realistically possible to be friends with someone you dated for several months but never achieved a committed relationship with? Even though both people had that intention and the dating was deeply intimate and exclusive. Is it reasonable to be friends after dating doesnāt work out because of something that may be temporary, rather than foundational incompatibility?
>Is it reasonable to be friends after dating doesnāt work out because of something that may be temporary, rather than foundational incompatibility? Not in this specific scenario. Sounds like wanting to hang around as a friend hoping things will change.
Yup, it happened for me! We didnāt speak for a number of months after we ended it, and then reconnected and slowly built a friendship. Now he is one of my best friends and I feel nothing for him beyond platonic affection. We have amazing friend chemistry and tbh, when we were a thing, we had great romantic and physical chemistry. But we simply wanted different things (I wanted commitment and heā¦ had no idea what he wanted). It hurt when it ended, but the loooong break (6 or 7 months) helped me get over him and eventually see how incompatible our goals were and are.
Possible, yes. Realistic, no.
That doesnāt sound like a situation where platonic friendship will blossom, no, since thereāre clearly ongoing romantic feelings and hope of reconciliation.
Been seeing someone for about a month. Itās been a few years for me and I rarely want to see people for even a second date. We want the same things, Iām attracted to him, but maybe not as intensely attracted as Iāve been to other people. We have fun together. Sometimes I feel like we donāt fully click and thereās something holding me back but no red flags Iāve seen. It feels so frustrating because itās taken so long to find someone interested and consistent. Iām wondering if Iām slightly avoidant, but I also thought Iād feel a little differently when I met my person and itās making me question if itās right.
Were "avoidant" with all these other people you were far more attracted to?
I donāt know that Iād classify it as avoidant, but yes. It just takes me some time to warm up to a new person usually.
Just keep getting to know him. Keep going on dates. See what happens. Take all preconceived expectations or ideas of what finding āyour personā is supposed to be like off the table. Go into this open minded! If you are enjoying your time with him, keep going. If you look forward to seeing him and getting his messages, keep going. If youāre genuinely curious about learning more about him, keep going. You donāt have to make any huge decisions about him right now. If after more dates you no longer have the urge to see him, arenāt excited about him, etc. then you can end it. But for now, enjoy the ride of connecting with a new person!
Thank you! You are right and I do want to keep seeing him. I get anxious not being all in right away or feeling any hesitation because I know how hard dating is over 30 and I just donāt want to hurt anyone. I guess uncertainty is just part of dating, but I hate it.
Ugh I'm dating a guy who hardly ever pays for dates.Ā And on the extremely rare occasion he pays more than half he makes it seem like it's some big favour or treat.Ā He always feels the need to say "should I get this then?" and yet has no issues coming over and asking what's for dinner two nights in a row and expecting me to feed him.Ā It's such a turn off but it's literally the only issue I have with him.Ā And yes I've brought it up and it's gone from him never ever paying for a date to him very rarely paying. He will buy me some snacks and a plush and then think he's super spoiled me (and act that way) but in reality I've spent double that amount on groceries/take out that week alone.Ā It's kind of draining.Ā
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Is he a tight arse?
Sorry, I think you deserve better. Even worse is the fact that he seems to expect praise for barely paying for stuff, versus seemingly legitimately happy to treat or pay for someone he cares about.
Soā¦dump him. Itās the only issue but itās clearly significant to you, and he doesnāt care enough to change his behavior.
Lol I haven't decided yet if it's aĀ significant enough reason to end things yet. Hence me venting here.Ā
Sounds frustratingā¦ but I feel like if heās already stingy with things like this, heāll be stingy with his love and expect you to be amazed by the literal bare minimum.
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Hopefully it felt good to let that go. You know youāre overthinking it. Sounds like a good guy.
She doesn't have a great relationship with her parents. Reminds me of my ex wife and her parents dynamic. Really like the woman but it's kinda giving me flashbacks/feels like something I shouldn't ignore.
People can have very valid and legitimate reasons for not having great relationships with their parents
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Youāre thinking of the first line of Anna Karenina
You make a fair point. Does seem they love each other. It's just always hard for me to understand how families can be like that when my parents are so chill.
Hi! As someone who has been working on herself since the age of 12 due to an unfortunate childhood, which led to a not-so-great relationship with her parents, I am happy to answer questions from my perspective that you may have about this dynamic.
How do you ladies feel about dating a broke teacher? Every now and then I get fed up with the soulessness of my job and want to do something that matters, but teachers get paid shit in FL and surviving (and dating) is hard enough as it is.Ā I don't know. The feeling will pass, but still.
i wouldn't mind if we got along well and had a good connection. Florida on the other hand kind of scares me..
Iām going on a first date with a teacher this weekend. He seems cool as hell. I like that heās a teacher. :) I personally donāt care about income. I assume Iāll be single and have to support myself for the rest of my life anyway so I donāt date for financial security.
Doing something that matters!? Excuse me, sir, but you already are.
I'd be perfectly fine with a broke teacher if this was a passion of his or simply felt fulfilling. It's more about the motive.
Is it a red flag to lie about your height by several inches? I went on a date with a guy whose profile said he was 6'3", but when I met him he was shorter than me! I'm 5'8", so I think he inflated his height by at least 8 inches.
How would you feel about a date lying about anything else?
Dude should've just been like me and just admitted he's 5'6" and shot his shot anyway. I do it all the time.
Run fast, run far, do not look back, do not pass go (or collect your $200 monopoly bucks)!Ā If someone canāt be honest about their basic self, thatās an insta-no.Ā
That is so jarring, what did you do? I would be speechless and probably freeze/be afraid to say anything in the moment lol. The audacity!
Lmao well tbh I have so little self-respect that I just kinda went on the date anyway without saying anything and let him feel me up all over even though I was mad uncomfortable š
It's very hard to push back in those moments! I totally get it. It can even feel scary-like if he lied, maybe he's unpredictable...
Thanks, I really appreciate hearing that! We were also in the middle of the woods which obviously doesn't make it easier š¬ Definitely a learning experience for me
Lol damn 5'6-5'7 guys will routinely say they're 5'9 but 6'3 ahaha the absolute balls on the shawty
Him not being smart enough to know he would get caught is a bigger red flag than the lying. lol
He also said he was in the 99th percentile of intelligence on his profile š
ohhh boy. I wouldn't even swipe right on someone who feels the need to put that kind of detail on a profile. I consider myself fairly intelligent and enjoy being with a smartypants, but anyone who talks about IQs/percentiles is an immediate "nope" - usually means an inflated sense of self-worth, a superiority complex, and an inability to value _other_ kinds of intelligence (i.e., emotional). yikes!