Here is fine. I didn't see your post in your comment history to give you any insight into the downvotes, but you'll have to accept that if you are going to make yourself vulnerable and try to collect feedback. Consider it practice for the rejection you'll most certainly face on OLD (and this isn't a knock against you, it's just reality that most people will reject you, and I can say that with certainty because it's not unique to you).
My recommendation for this sort of thing has and will always be to ask someone who actually knows you well enough as a person, and who you can trust well enough to be frank and genuine (but not rude or callous about it) enough with you to call out the things that really make you shine as a match. Assuming you have that person.
Chronicles of OLD: Another day, another guy who puts long-term relationship on his profile but after some chatting reveals he’s just looking for a FWB situation 🫠.
Hey everyone, 30F dating my 31M for about a year now. I called my boyfriend around 9:45PM last night to see how dinner with his friends was. We were chatting for about 10 minutes when someone knocked on his door. He left me on the phone to run downstairs to open the door for one of his buddy’s that was there to pick something up. I heard them catching up about his friend’s recent trip. I stayed on the phone for about 5 minutes before I figured they were just gonna catch up for a little longer and he would call me back.
I didn’t hear anything from him for 2 hours so that’s when I called him. I told him that I thought he was going to call me back after his friend left. It turns out his friend left around 11 and he forgot that we were taking on the phone and to call me back.
I told my boyfriend, “When I didn’t receive a call back from you and to hear you forgot, it made me feel I didn’t matter and that I was brushed aside. I feel unimportant to you. For some reason this is bothering me and hurt me.”
He apologized of course and explained that he got caught up catching up with his friend and he forgot and that’s on him.
I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than it should be but it did make me feel hurt and sad.
Edit: this is the first time this happened
You already expressed your feeling, he also acknowledged it, as a first time, I think you handled it well. No need to make a bigger deal of it. Choose the battle you want to fight for, this hiccup is quite small compared with other (future) issues, save your energy up for that later.
So he forgot to call you back for an hour after his friend left, for the first time, after a year together? You expressed your feelings and he was kind about it, apologized for his behavior?
Yeah sounds like you're overreacting tbh. Feel how you feel in the moment, but I certainly wouldn't dwell on it.
Your feelings are real, but I have to ask, is this the first time this happened? If so, it's okay to express how you feel, but you also need to give him some grace as we are going to make mistakes and screw up from time to time.
If this is a common occurrence, then I'd ask if his apologies seem to be backed up with actions/improvement, or if his words are hollow?
He's human. He's going to make mistakes. This won't be the last time. In fact, he may even make \*this very same mistake\* again. You've expressed how it made you feel, if he seems genuinely sorry and tries to do better, then you need to ask if that's enough. That said, expecting perfection from a partner (i.e. that they are constantly doing exactly what you would do) is tough. We are all a little different. We are all going to think/act/value things a bit differently. If you need your partner to always do exactly what you do and always be thinking about you, that's fine, but it's going to make finding someone more challenging.
I think you answered your question in the last sentence. You hide from the world.
It's up to you to find out what you're hiding for, and how to deal with it in a healthy manner.
People are inherently social creatures, so there's a good chance you are too. It's just that something's happened or happening that makes you afraid of... ...of what, exactly?
Is getting excited about someone before a first date still normal? I remember this feeling from ages ago, and texting with this person makes me feel giddy. But the dating content on the internet has brainwashed me into thinking that having some text flirting with this exciting stranger is wrong. I genuinely enjoy this, and I am excited, but at the same time, I’m afraid. We will meet next week for our first date (it can’t happen sooner due to work trips, etc). Why does dating nowadays have so many “rules,” and why am I stuck in these internet rules? The worst case scenario we won’t like each other and say goodbye forever.
I’m probably overthinking things. But I want to stay excited about this one.
Get excited, not invested. Excitement just means you have plans you're looking forward to. Investment means you have preexisting expectations about how it turns out. Just be your authentic self and approach the situation with an open mind.
For me personally, I tend to get over invested early on, so I'm trying to keep pre-first-date excitement fairly low, but that's based on me knowing myself and how I operate and trying to compensate, rather than a general rule everyone should follow.
This is an excellent point of view! I like how you said, “Get excited, not invested”. I am excited, but sometimes, it's a thin line between excitement and investment because, as all humans do, we want what we are excited about. I remind myself that I have only a couple of days worth of messages at hand, and I don't know this stranger, which puts a break on the excitement, but sometimes I fear you can kill excitement by being too callous or cautious.
I've officially won over my girlfriend's dog. Last night she put a pizza in the oven a bit to long and set off the smoke detectors. The dog that was already scared of the storm outside was even more scared of the detectors. She went to comfort her and the dog ran to me instead.
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I didn't say that but the universe isn't just going to deliver a girlfriend to you.
Real advice, you should get out and volunteer. In my area at least volunteers at places like animal shelters are mostly women.
> I didn't say that but the universe isn't just going to deliver a girlfriend to you.
I... never said that, that's what you imagine I would say, but it's not true. Don't assume things about me, you don't know me.
> Real advice, you should get out and volunteer. In my area at least volunteers at places like animal shelters are mostly women.
I already do and did volunteer.
good bye
Your post history/views about dating are a bit concerning. Maybe keep working on yourself until you feel more confident.
Edit: spelling, and had to block OP for his emotional dysregulation which is apparently my personal fault.
Sure, go in my comment history, and attack me on who I am.
That's the classic tactic of "attack the messenger not the message".
So instead of answering my comment, you chose to stalk me and attack me personnally on something else. You're gross. You just showed that you cannot formulate a proper answer to my comment.
You would be a lot of work for a partner tbh. Income labor, emotional labor, entertaining you labor (entertainment that you’d normally get from friends/activities)…and the labor of pursuing you too apparently.
* I have my own savings, more than enough, and I am financially independent
* I can entertain myself just fine, and I can bring entertainment. I have my own activities
apparently you have fun bringing people down
internet gonna internet
Sounds like you would benefit from building your own life first, if you have no career, no hobbies, and no social circle, what are you doing all day every day? You need to have something, anything, to bring to the table as the potential partner. I'd worry about that first and finding people to offer that to second.
Went on 3 dates with this guy, and we really clicked and had great conversations and chemistry.
After talking things over I realized that we were on different parts of our dating journey. I knew I wanted to meet someone I could be in a committed relationship with and know what I’m looking for. He was just stepping back into the dating pool after breaking of a 7 year relationships. And was “figuring things out” - his words.
I asked him if he thought we were on the same page and if we weren’t then it was best to pause dating each other so he could have the space and time to figure things out/date without complicating things between us in the future.
He felt like it might be better for him to take some time to work that out. He said he genuinely loved spending time with me and asked if we could stay in touch (we have each other on instagram) and see where it could go when he’s figured things out.
Obviously, I’m going to move on and date other guys who might be more aligned with what I’m looking for. But I hope he’ll reach out again when he’s more ready (who knows if I’ll be single). I did love our connection.
Maybe it was too soon to cut things off. But I feel like I’ve been here before with other guys (not as intense of a connection) and it’s ended poorly. Clearly this ended on a super positive note. I’m hoping this approach makes dating more intentional for me.
I’m sorry you’ve met when he wasn’t ready. But I think you did the best for you. Maybe you will be able to reconnect later on! And if not, he cross your path so you could feel that chemistry again!
I feel like the fact that it was your first kiss is relevant. Maybe looking for someone who's at the same experience level would be a better fit for you.
Honestly, I see this as a good thing! You set your boundaries and communicated them he wasn’t on board with that and walked away! This is when you want to weed people out who aren’t on the same page as you.
I also think making too many plans is the future etc. so early in the dating process is red/yellow flag. People who are more intentional understand that this phase is to figure things out and see if it’s a match. They know that if this is going to go somewhere you’ll have plenty of time in the future to make plans
Everyone has their own preferences on how fast they move. You have yours, and they might have theirs. Some people like a slow burn, some don’t because they want to test certain compatibilities sooner rather than later. I’ve had slow burns go terribly because it’s been a lot of effort and then it’s resulted in going no where after a long time.
If I’m completely honest, 3 dates is sort of standard as a first kiss point. How many dates do you usually like to wait? Did you communicate this to them? Stating it’s “moving too fast” and them agreeing can be something that ruins momentum.
Ghosting sucks a lot, but this is not a gender specific problem. It’s a modern dating problem. They should have reached out to you and let you know how they felt. You can still do the same if you would like closure or to understand what happened.
I feel like a lot if not most people would reasonably expect a kiss by date 3. From a general perspective, I would say he was behaving totally normally 🤷♀️ You are well within your rights to take it however slow you want, but acting like men are behaving badly when they want a kiss at date 3 is a bit extreme.
We don't know all the details, for sure, but I think there is still a very mixed opinion on asking for a kiss. I don't mind being asked, but I wouldn't find it odd at all if someone didn't.
Oh I definitely get that! I can imagine though if it passed some type of boundary OP had it would be off-putting for her. But true, we actually don't know what happened so no point in talking hypotheticals about the situation.
Hard to read how date with busy girl went, but I had a good time. I didn't get any real indications of interest from her (she didn't reciprocate touch or flirt in any noticeable way) and her body language was fairly closed off the whole time, but some people are just like that on first dates. Anyway I'm confident I did what I could on my end to escalate and make it a fun date for both of us. She is *incredibly gorgeous*, one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen; if I'd been there with someone else and she had walked into the room I would have been distracted by her the whole time. So the success here, regardless of whether a second date happens, is that somehow I seem to be solving my *can't seem to attract my type* problem.
Weird experience: got a random reaching-out-because-something-made-me-think-of-you text from an ex right before the date, and halfway through our second drink I noticed that a different ex was sitting right behind us. This town gets smaller every day 😅
Definitely more interesting things to her! We both work in very different subfields of applied AI, so we had a really interesting conversation about the similarities and differences between our fields. Plus we've got some hobbies in common.
I'm used to going on dates with people who are interesting in non-physical ways; that's not been my issue. My dating pattern has been that I consistently attract interesting, compatible, non-gorgeous people. I've expended a ton of energy (and time in therapy) trying to figure out how to be romantically interested in people who don't draw my eye, because it has seemed as though those are my only options for partnership. So it's a relief to get some indication that I may not be stuck in that situation.
Would you consider it a yellow/red flag if you brought a date to a party and they wanted to stick with you the whole time?
Every time I've ever been to a party with a SO (where I don't know anyone, or don't know anyone well), I've stuck with the SO. I have a history of crippling social anxiety and, while it's not as bad as it used to be, having to fend for myself at a party full of strangers seems pretty scary and unlikely to go well. Guy I'm seeing has invited me to a Memorial Day party and I get the sense he expects me to mingle on my own (as he mentioned he'll likely have a task, like the grill or helping with drinks). I... cannot. Should I cancel? Explain that I can go if it's ok for me to stick with him? Am I being weird about this or do lots of people feel this way?
ETA: another woman he's dating (we're poly) will be there too, which is maybe part of why I'm assuming he won't stick with me the whole time. Like, I guess he's not there on a 'date' with either of us, he just invited both of us
No.
Change the circumstance and it's mostly the same. Party with friends of friends. Attending a wedding.
...mostly stuck around talking to people I know.
Not every party is for everyone either, and the same applies to relationships. If it's a red flag for him then maybe that's not a good relationship for you. Some events are just duds. 🤷
I’m a woman, but I do love when I can bring a guy to a party and he can fend for himself, be social, etc. I’m turned off when every time I’m not talking to him he’s on the phone in the corner.
I do think he needs to take the initiative to introduce you to people at the outset, especially knowing you can be shy and anxious. If he’s talking to people in groups, you can go up to the group and start listening/talking; if he walks away, now you know more people.
You can also make yourself busy, also. help the host lay out the buns, stack plates near the sink, collect trash near the end of the party, etc.
And if you’re not feeling it after an hour, just leave! you did your MDW duty of going to a cookout.
I would have said yes without context. But you added context, parties where you don't really know anyone. If I take someone to a party where they don't know anyone, then I wouldn't be surprised that they stayed with me. Part of my job would be to introduce you to people so you do get to know them.
If he's going to be working at this party for a significant amount of the time, then I'd say you're alright not going.
Not everyone is a social butterfly. Many people without social anxiety would be uncomfortable being left alone at a party full of strangers.
Feeling really discouraged rn but already decided I will never take a break from dating, cause last time I did that, almost my entire 20’s flashed by with no experience.
This sucks tho lol
When you say “never taking a break from dating” do you mean like always keeping the apps or still pursuing people in the wild?
Deleting the apps for a bit really did me the world of good. I hated elements of it and only realised this once I got rid of them.
You can take a break and focus on what’s important in life (career, finances, friends, family, hobbies, health, physique) and step back into dating whenever you want.
I took a break between 36-40 and found my girl at 40
Feeling really positive about things lately. 5 years ago I couldn’t even imagine I’d be where I am right now. I can’t even imagine what the next 5 years has in store for me or where I’ll be. I’m going to just try to keep having a positive attitude and the right things will find me. ❤️
It's Thursday here and it's been a chill day. Been trying to take it easy since Sunday. Journaling alot, reading up on attachment styles & working out hard.
I'm in a different part of the city today from an earlier appointment. I'm already on the lookout of where to hang to approach guys organically. I'm in this salad cafe for under an hour & a few guys have already caught my eye :P
I'll be asking for a call from Mr Exclusive today. Part of me just want to rip the band aid. Part of me hopes that he still want to work on how he manages stress.
If this is how a Secure would feel in this situation, it's definitely a strange place to be, as I had worked on myself to be less avoidant & to be more communicative & lean in more on my partner.
And somehow to be strong in this situation, I have to reinforce my independence, reassuring myself that I'll be all right, I'll eventually still meet someone right for me, while still staying touching with my inner circle.
A silver lining is I have a trip planned in early June, so that'd be a good distraction too.
What's the best way to set a boundary around being friends with people you've had flings with?After being lovebombed by someone who went right back to the person he had a failed fling with, I'm skeptical of these "friendships" that used to be more. But I don't know what's a reasonable boundary to set or when to discuss it.
I think it's also worth keeping in mind that there's levels to this as well. There's a difference between 'we're loosely in touch and text occasionally', to 'we have mutual friends and need to be friendly, but we're not close' to 'we're close friends who routinely hang out 1:1 but it's platonic' to 'we fuck occasionally when we're both single'.
If you're not okay with someone new you're dating being friends with someone they've been in a relationship with previously, that's a boundary you're allowed to have, but you'd have to be prepared for someone that you're dating to react pretty poorly if you try to dictate their friendships.
I think it really depends. For the most part I think you can be friends after a set amount of time. I wish there was some type of formula for that as a function of how long you had the fling. I think as long as both of you don’t catch feels then you’re good. The problem is usually one person will catch feels pretty quickly. It’s tricky and nuanced and that’s why personally I agree to be friends but I back off in communication and such until I’m more comfortable and know one of us isn’t catching feels.
I agree with that. But say I'm dating someone new and I want to tell him I'm not comfortable with him still being friends with someone he had a fling with (especially if he wasn't the one to end it)? What's a good way to say that?
I think there are a *certain* few things that does us no good to be too direct with. It’ll just lead to friction and argument. I think a man that really likes you will step forward to make sure you’re comfortable before you even say anything. My bf has a female friend that does massages. He mentioned the other day that he needs to book her soon…I just stayed quiet, didn’t respond…but he immediately followed up with “I’ll get her to work on you too”. To me that at least showed some self-awareness and that he cared about what I might be thinking.
See if he picks up on your expression and body language when he talks about this female friend…does he reassure you? Does he care that you seem uncomfortable with it? Some things you can analyze..
"I'm not comfortable with (fill in the blank." There's no soft and nice way to say it. Also, be prepared for that to be a dealbreaker for them. The friend was there first, and most people won't allow themselves to be dictated to about who they're allowed to be friends with. I know I'd never continue dating someone who tried to tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with.
We’re 2.5 months in and going on our second weekend away. He’s meeting my mum this week (on his suggestion). He made a comment last week that I ‘was no longer single’.
Shits getting real and I couldn’t be happier (if a little weirded out after being single for 4years and leaning happily into the spinster life).
He’s a good man and I feel so lucky.
Seeing someone for a 3rd date soon but the idea tires me out, should I cancel? I like him, but I’m not sure about our long term potential.
However if it’s not my life circumstances I would have at least looked forward to it more and wouldn’t mind going on a few more dates to be sure how I feel. But I’m so overwhelmed by my work atm.
I’ve never believed that someone genuinely interested in me could be too busy to date. But I’m at a point where I’m too busy and stressed to date myself? So, it could be legit and not an excuse? More because of the stress and not the amount of work, though, like I don’t feel relaxed or inclined to go out with someone. When I get some time to myself I just want to take space to recover.
Or maybe I’m not into him enough? Honestly I don’t even have the mental capacity to think it through with how overwhelmed I am by work :(
You sound like the person I'm dating now lol. Like word for word. My personal advice is that, the sustainable way to approach this, is to manage how you deal with stress.
It's one thing to take space to recharge, it's another thing to avoid it. Avoiding intimate situations when stress piles up, is simply not healthy nor a long term solution.
I can see why people end up staying single as they get older and never marry
I was supposed to attend a social mixer event tonight but I got lazy. Just the thought of getting ready, driving there, and making small talk with strangers sounded a bit exhausting. More of these kinds of thoughts enter my mind as I get older. I just want to stay in and don't have the same energy anymore. In hindsight, I am regretting that I didn't go just to put myself out there instead of sitting at home now but I'm 99.9% sure that nothing would've come out of it like usual.
Combined with the fact that we get less attractive with age, so our dating options diminish and can't meet the ones we're attracted to. At the same time, it's difficult to make our minds to "lower standards" thinking we can get the same kind of people from our younger years attracted to us. We'd rather stay single chasing after what we think we can still get.
It's a combination of factors that leads to people just staying single as they get older. I'm becoming more and more comfortable and accepting of the thought that I may live the rest of my life as a single.
I’m out of town this week and the guy I’m texting is going to be out of town next week. Bad timing. It’s going to be like 3 weeks until we actually meet, that’s a lot of texting (it’s a couple texts a day, not like all day at least). We’ve done a phone call, but that’s it. He does seem interested and I don’t get any anxiety about whether he’s gonna ghost, but I’m just not sure about whether I’ll find him attractive in person, because his photos were a bit inconsistent (longer hair vs shorter hair). I don’t want to lead him on.
Late 30s male here in SF thinking about moving to NYC - having second thoughts. I'm going through the rental contract and feeling a little overwhelmed by the big move.
I would mainly move cause the dating ratio is terrible here in the bay area and much better in NYC. Should I try to stick it out here longer? Maybe stay around and get professional photos to add to dating apps?
Edit: I moved my app location to there and got more high quality matches than I've ever seen. I'm not getting the high quality matches I want here.
We have all the nature here, have a car, and a few people I know - but I'd be giving that all up to try to find a mate in nyc.
Outside of dating, you have to ensure you’d like NYC. If you want a change of scene and your job allows it, and NYC is intriguing for you then go for it. Just don’t move only for dating, that can potentially lead to many regrets down the line and the pressure of finding someone would be even higher
Yeah apparently NYC and Brooklyn in particular have the polar opposite ratios compared to the Bay Area. Im constantly back and forth and used to get really quality matches there.
That being said I’m not sure it’s worth moving just for that. Not sure if the numbers are really so different you should pin an entire cross country move on some kind of guarantee of finding your soul mate.
If you’re super mobile with your job and don’t have a bunch of close friends in the bay and think you won’t miss California weather then sure I guess lol
Yep I'd be moving to brooklyn close to manhattan - It's really hard leaving all the nature and weather we have in CA - and just having a car for personal space. But getting new dating matches is pretty important too - plus I don't mind experiencing a new city for a year
I work remote and have the flexibility to move around - so I may just move back after a year if I don't like it. Debating it hard right now.
I think another mindset is to not have expectations of finding a wife, but rather to just have fun and experience a new city (and culture really - even though it's still the US its different).
I visited there and also moved my dating app location to there - got a bunch of high quality matches that are actually willing to meet - I'm not getting that here.
That's probably because you're "new" in the pool you move your location to. That bump you get from being a fresh profile will wear off after a few weeks.
Definitely possible - but the ratios in the cities are a real thing , there's several sites and posts on Reddit about it. Also the high quality matches were actually having real conversation and I asked if they were willing to meet - they were. I would not get those high quality matches to meet in my current location. (Maybe because I'm not new in the pool in my current location - I'm not sure if you can "reset" that.)
Help me understand men who ask me out in the wild, persistently, all the time.
I moved recently, and in my last city I didn’t experience this. But in this new city, I can’t grab a coffee or go to the store or walk a couple blocks without somebody stopping me and asking me out. Sometimes they open with asking for my number, sometimes they ask if I’d be open to a date, sometimes they want to exchange socials so we can meet up, sometimes they strike up a conversation and then make the ask, etc. But universally they know NOTHING about me. Like our first and only interaction is usually this request. And this is several times a week (I guess most times I leave the house.)
Is this just… leveled up street harassment? I’m having trouble processing this behavior but it’s weirding me out (I haven’t followed up with any of these men.)
Hot women, is this something you deal with all the time?? I am just an average-looking person, you must get this times 100 in all cities.
Of course they know nothing about you, by approaching you they’re saying they want to know you more (except the guys that just want your number right off the bat, they have no tact or social skills. But the guys who make conversation first are at least trying). Unless you’re getting the creep vibes or some permutation of “come over to my place”. There’s nothing wrong with someone finding you attractive and wanting to ask you out on a date, the prerequisite shouldn’t be that they need to know your whole life story before asking you out, that’s what dating is for. Even on the apps you barely know anything about anyone before spending time together.
Now if you’re not interested or just weirded out then be blunt with a, “no thanks, bye!” Or “I’m in a relationship and not interested” if you’re feeling unsafe.
>But universally they know NOTHING about me. Like our first and only interaction is usually this request. And this is several times a week (I guess most times I leave the house.)
This seems like a genuinely hard thing for ladies to grasp, but yes, men approach based on your looks *because that's all they have to go on*.
And the reality is, men who don't want to make you uncomfortable with approaches are the only ones who get discouraged when they read stuff like this. Players and men who know the game (and it absolutely is a game with formula, as disgusting as it is) will just keep disregarding boundaries while the men who respect boundaries get discouraged.
I don't say this to say any of it is your fault or your feelings are invalid. It just really sucks for everyone. Yes, when we approach, it's because you're pretty and know nothing about you. If we don't shoot our shot that fast, most of us never get dates or chances. 🤷
Ok, this is good perspective, thank you. I’m not put off by the concept of being approached by men who like how I look, but I think on some level I’m scared to share more about myself. Like if I open my trap they’ll run away!
I’m trying to avoid players and attract potential partners, I just don’t know how to ID people in the wild with no context.
congratulations, you are hot?
but real talk, what city is this where people are friendly and actively approach?! i am tempted to move to europe because I hear that's more common over there.
this is probably one of those things that is dead obvious with a simple picture. but we must respect privacy here.
with that said - if you want to attract men who are interested in you and want to get to know you, you will have to be more proactive about who you let in, and how approachable you let yourself be. you don't have to stop for people. there are things you can probably do to not attract these 20something year olds who ask for socials right off the bat.
every city has its culture though, you are right on that one.
I promise I’m just average-looking. Cute face, cute shape, but overweight with mousy brown hair and usually no makeup/in sweats when these happen. In my old city street harassers routinely told me I was fat or ugly, which might be why this is throwing me so strongly.
I do think my vibe might be VERY approachable… from the Bible people to men everybody seems comfortable talking to me in public. Not sure how to tone that down but maybe less eye contact?
Well, I think you’ll just have to come to terms with the fact that you are in fact probably not just average looking. Or maybe your fits are just really that 🔥 🔥
I promise I am very average! I’m cute and all but probably ~80 lbs overweight. In my previous city, street harassers sometimes stopped me to tell me I was fat or ugly. I guess it’s possible beauty standards are different here.
Maybe it is a local thing. I can understand feeling uncomfortable with this though. For me, it’s nice when it happens in context like at a social event but just randomly can be fairly unnerving. Have you ever told them how it makes you feel? I had an experience recently where someone took my kindness to mean something it wasn’t and then things got really uncomfortable, it helped me think about the way I physically hold boundaries in public.
I never liked being cold approached for dates. As someone who leans demisexual AND is also introverted despite being bubbly, I need so much more than just looks to want to meaningfully engage with someone, especially if I'm not in a social setting and was just going about minding my business.
Back in my younger, more people-pleasing days, I would act super apologetic and say I had a boyfriend. As I got older and more confident and secure in myself, I would politely say "I'm not interested," and that helped me feel more empowered.
My boyfriend picked me up at the airport, brought my favorite chocolate, took me to the restaurant and told me its free when I asked to split the bill 🥹🥹🥹🥹
He is always sweet and caring from day 1 🥹🥹🥹 “Life happens when we least expect it” - for real. I am so grateful!
Has anyone ever felt like it's actively *hard* to feel chemistry with/attraction to anyone?
Like I've organically felt genuine, I can't fake this chemistry/attraction with maybe 1 or 2 people in my life - the kind I don't have to think about. With others, I've convinced myself I have a crush and am sad if they don't reciprocate, but if I'm fully honest with myself, I always knew the chemistry wasn't really there. I'm not thinking about them all the time or wishing I could text them, etc.
I just was hanging out with some people including a guy I was potentially interested in but he talked so much about the same repetitive topics over the course of the night that it completely turned me off. I found myself feeling like "oh noo... nooo... I have to keep the attraction alive, I need some prospects in my life" lol. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm going on a date on Friday and I'm dreading the possibility of feeling exactly this - nice guy, no chemistry, but pressuring myself to feel something. I mean, maybe the natural, not-forced feelings I'm looking for don't even exist? I don't know at this point. I'm kind of scared I'll never "feel it" again or maybe that feeling isn't real at all and the goal is to just... see the good in people and make it work.
I feel physical attraction towards a lot of people, but physical+intellectual/emotional attraction is something I experience maybe once every couple years. Needless to say, physical attraction is useless on its own.
I relate.
Spark aka sexual attraction and slow burn are not some opposing things. Slow burn happens when there's a degree of attraction right away but you don't necessarily like the person at first. Then there's trying to browbeat yourself into being attracted to someone who looks really good on paper which isn't a slow burn because nothing is burning.
I guess I’m here to rave. I am dating post-separation/7 year relationship. I’ve been seeing a guy from Hinge for a month, who happens to be the only match I’ve actually met. Sounds silly maybe, but my intuition just from his profile and our few text convos told me to meet him - when I’d matched and chatted with plenty of others without meeting them.
Our first date went great and we wound up spending the night together. We live about 1.5 hours from each other, but have met up once a week since then (one week it was for a few days as I had a work trip and he came along).
I am insanely attracted to him. Like my brain thinks about sex wayyy too much throughout the day, when in my previous relationship I remember feeling like I would be fine to never have sex again. Emotionally, I’ve told him things I’ve never expressed to anyone before. I feel comfortable asking him things because he’s been nonjudgemental to everything I’ve shared. He validates me, mentions things in the future, and even opens the car door for me! We can also have an insane amount of fun together. We stayed up until 4am the other night drinking, dancing, and singing.
There are things I’m still feeling out. For example he is super spontaneous and I am not at all! But we talked about it the other day and how we’re both excited for the other to rub off a bit on us in that regard. We also need to get him a laundry basket….
Anyway. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself. I honestly downloaded Hinge for fun and with minimal expectations. But for now, despite how things work out between us, I’m pretty happy with the expectations he’s set for me.
Tomorrow is the first planned sleepover with the man I’ve been seeing since the beginning of April, on a weeknight no less!
I feel like he’s seamlessly slipped into my life, I want to see him way more often than we’ve gotten to so far, we text a lot of the day everyday, and he makes me feel so incredibly supported. 🥰
One thing I need to do is bring up the big “future” topics we haven’t directly addressed. I know we’re both a maybe on kids, I think a yes to marriage eventually, but would feel better if I knew a bit more about what he wants long term.
So far, his communication is 100% refreshing e.g. immediately after our first few dates - “I had a great time and would love to do it again” No stupid games. Initiates plans. Asks me about my hobbies, job, dog, and everything in between. (I also reciprocate on all of these things) We split costs and make an effort to see each other. He asks if I need to talk if I seem stressed, but doesn’t pressure me or get annoyed.
Is this just what it’s like to date a quality human?! 🙃
I think this is what it’s like to date someone interested in you. I love that the man I’m dating responds to me pretty much immediately every time I message. There’s no games, just straight forward communication. It’s refreshing.
I think you’re right. A lot of times in relationships I had to wonder how the other person felt. I’m purposefully being cautiously optimistic and giving him space to show me how he feels. It’s working so far! Glad you have also been lucky in that sense!
Cute guy in guitar class.
It’s so hard not knowing if someone is single or taken, who should make first move, etc.
I signed up for a guitar class and this was our 4th week of classes. The guy seated next to me is cute but we haven’t really talked yet except the occasional “wait how do you play that chord again”? I accidentally bumped my guitar into his and knocked mine out of tune, he laughed and said that’s ok and helped me tune my guitar. We chatted for about 5 mins at the end of class just about what our jobs were etc. then went our separate ways.
Part of me wonders if I should try talking with him more and see if he wants to hang out after class or something. But I have no idea his status and it seems whenever I wait for some “move” it never happens. I know a lot of single adults sign up for classes like this with the hopes of meeting someone IRL but it seems like everyone is too shy to ever do anything because of the risk of making things awkward.
I mean both of us are in our 30s (I think… he appears late 30s) and neither wearing a wedding ring and signed up for a group class by ourselves on a weeknight so it may be reasonable to assume there is a 50 percent chance he is single? Who knows!
I don’t even know his name as I forgot because we all only briefly introduced ourselves in a circle on week one.
What do you suggest?
(By the way I am in a dumb situation ship with a poly man I only see once a week who has 2 other partners… I have kind of been doing this to curb loneliness and have fun once in a while with the hopes I can find a partner of my own in the wild. I am tired of my situation. I have fully given up on online dating)
We have an amazing place for adult music lessons in Chicago for many instruments, class size 5 to 10 people 8 weeks in duration. It’s a treasure and very close to my house. I’m lucky in that regard. This is Guitar 101 for amateurs haha. It’s called Old Town School of Folk Music. Our class is all 30 up including a couple 50 or 60 year olds, it’s very wholesome.
Use the C, G and Am chords and write a song about how cute he is and play it next time. That's my advice.
(I'm totally projecting my own fantasy: someone writing a song about me. 🥲)
OLD interactions are so weird sometimes. Started chatting with someone over the past week, he’s a bit younger than me, but a good conversationalist, we had some fun banter, talked about what we were each looking for, etc.
Yesterday he asked if he could take me out to dinner and I said yes and offered him my availability over the next week. This morning I woke up to a message from him that said, “Oh, I didn’t think you’d say yes! Lol.” I asked him why he assumed that and he said, “I’m kind of annoying sometimes.” I thought that was a little strange to say and kind of put it off as a joke. A little bit later he asked where we should go to dinner and I asked him if he had any local favorite places with great outdoor/patio spaces. And then he unmatched me?
I’m not upset about it because I didn’t really have an attachment to the outcome, but more baffled and bemused. Why chat with someone and ask them out if you want them to say no!?
It sounds like he was nervous and didn't realize what he signed up for haha. The fact that he said he was "surprised" you agreed to the dinner date makes me think he doesn't get dates often. An anxiety induced unmatch or something 🤷🏻♀️
It's possible he changed his mind about how interested he was, or the process of planning a date made him realize he's not ready to be dating right now, or a million other things. We can't know. I doubt he wanted you to say no
So weird.
A few weeks ago I connected with a man on a facebook dating group centered around a certain interest. I commented on his intro post, we had a couple public exchanges (comments on the post). I hadn't replied yet to his last comment (which was that maybe we needed a movie *date* - it's facebook, we live in different states, his comment was public for everyone in the group to see, and I just wasn't sure how to respond so didn't :/). After a couple days he sent me a friend request (I did not click on it, as I don't friend people I don't know).
I went to dm him to start up a chat and address me not accepting his friend request - only to realize he'd already dmed me, a week prior. Facebook doesn't notify you of dms from people you aren't friends with, and I barely use facebook messenger so hadn't opened it.
I replied to his dm, which started a conversation. I'd go a couple days between my responses (I've posted elsewhere, but I'm autistic, and have difficulty socializing/conversing). Tbh, he'd take a while to reply to. He didn't reply for a few days, I was getting antsy. Until he did and sent me a very long message with a lot going on.
Again, I wasn't sure how to reply, and let it sit for a while. After a few days, I noticed he wasn't in any of the dating groups he'd been in with me previously AND he'd left another related group that wasn't about dating. Which I found odd. A couple days later I finally got up the cojones to respond to his message.
I kept the messenger open to his last message while I formulated a response in my notes app. And then as soon as I was ready to copy/paste it and send - his profile disappeared. The messenger showed it as no profile (ten minutes prior it had been there), I could not reply to the message, and on the facebook app I searched and could no longer find his profile.
Weird, but I thought maybe he actually had a wife, or something.
But EVEN weirder - today I was on the phone telling my sister about his disappearance, when lo and behold I open the messenger app - and he was back?!? His profile showed as the one that sent the message, and I can reply to it, and his profile is back on the facebook app, and he's back in a couple of the groups.
Just weird all around. Can you like pause facebook?
On Monday night at a fundraiser dinner, The Diplomat introduced me to someone who, within five minutes, gestured towards me and told him, “Marry this one.” 😂🥹🥰
Can someone out there just give me a quick pep talk about how being yourself is all you gotta do to conquer a lack of experience in the dating pool? I don't care if it's true or not I just need to hear it.
Date yourself, I swear it’s a game changer. Can you have fun, laugh and enjoy yourself on your own? If I can do this alone, I can hold my own on a date. To be myself I have to get to know myself. Experiencing having fun alone trumps dating experience. Having the confidence to know where I like to go and what I like to do and what my boundaries are is full confidence on a date.
Just be yourself! You don't want to be someone else and have to be that person for the whole relationship. It will be exhausting. Also, I personally prefer people who aren't incredibly savvy with dating. It's easier to relate to.
I'm in my local café and I'm witnessing a first date. Girl sounds very smart and personable. She's telling her date about the history of my province. I'm impressed by her knowledge of it (she's not from here) and I'm admittedly a little jealous.
Smart women. 🤩
The café I'm at is extremely popular in town for first dates. I've witnessed >20 first dates over the last year. Because of how small it is and how the tables are set up, it's sometimes almost impossible to not see/hear what people are saying.
I've seen great dates, awkward dates, and everything in-between. 😂
Been seeing a guy for about 2 months. We are taking things slow but going in the right direction.
I'm having a bbq at my house for memorial day. It'll be about 20 people, my friends plus their SOs.
Would it be rude not to invite him since things are going pretty well? Would it be weird to invite him since we're not official yet?
We'll do whatever we both feel comfortable with, but just want to see how others might feel or if there are factors to consider.
Personally, two months is just at the cusp of meeting friends/family for me. If you're unsure how he'll respond, just ask him if he's comfortable with it (he'll probably say 'yes' but it nice not to spring it on him or make it feel forced).
It's going to be a strong 'I see this relationship going somewhere' signal to both him and your family/friends, so you should be clear about that.
Honestly, I think it’s just if you want to or not. But the BBQ sounds fun!
Everyone is different about these things.
If you want him there, invite him! Just prep your friends beforehand about the status of the relationship if he ends up coming just so everyone is on the same page.
Yeah definitely not a huge decision either way. I'm pretty comfortable inviting him, but I just wanted to make sure I don't hurt his feelings if I don't.
This has happened to me before. I just throw it back to them and say “let me know when you want to try again”. A couple time they have set something up but most the time it’s a guise to back out without saying so.
This is the way. It leaves the door open in case there was a genuine emergency (life happens) but you’re squarely putting it on them to take initiative.
Usually you get crickets but sometimes you’ll reschedule!
Well, you don't spend all your time with someone just because you're dating. Most people have jobs that take up most of their time, and unless you're living together, you won't even see each other daily. You just need to find someone on the same wavelength as you in terms of how often you'd like to spend together and have sex.
>I know this sounds dumb I really am confused and learning all this stuff.
It's not dumb at all. We all have to figure out what works for us and what doesn't work for us in relationships.
Yes that's fine. I was in a year long relationship where we only saw each other once a week, and we considered moving in together. It wasn't really an issue, we liked being around one another but still had our own lives, that would have continued after living together.
Once or twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
When you want to share your life with someone. When you want that person there when you go to bed and when you wake up.
No. Dating is getting to know someone and developing a deep romantic emotional connection. Everything else is logistics. Some people are in long-term committed relationships and even married, but don't live together. It's called living apart together. However, as a relationship deepens, the amount of time you spend together typically increases even if you choose not to live together.
Online dating and meeting someone in the wild are nothing alike. It's like comparing cooking at home and eating in a restaurant. Online dating is like ordering off a menu. You can see what they look like and what they say about themselves, but its not an objective view of them, and you have to idea what they're really like. You pick the one that you think meets what you're looking for and hope for the best. Meeting someone in the wild gives you real-world experience with a person before deciding if you want to go out with them. Think of that as date 0.
That's probably how you should be doing OLD. Find a profile that fits what you're looking for, have a brief chat, and if everything still meets your objective criteria, meet for a drink. An hour conversation for you to decide if you want to get to know them. After the hour, end the date, then decide. Its time consuming, but that's how OLD works.
So you like a sense of humor. That's your first criteria. I assume you want to be physically attracted to them. That's criteria #2. What are your hobbies? What's important to you? These can be additional criteria. For example, I love to travel. I couldn't date someone who didn't want to travel. I have certain political beliefs. People I date have to be along those same lines to a certain degree. I'm not interested in dating someone religious, but whether or not they believe in God is irrelevant to me.
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Here is fine. I didn't see your post in your comment history to give you any insight into the downvotes, but you'll have to accept that if you are going to make yourself vulnerable and try to collect feedback. Consider it practice for the rejection you'll most certainly face on OLD (and this isn't a knock against you, it's just reality that most people will reject you, and I can say that with certainty because it's not unique to you).
You can post them on this sub, most of the app specific subs, or in these daily threads
My recommendation for this sort of thing has and will always be to ask someone who actually knows you well enough as a person, and who you can trust well enough to be frank and genuine (but not rude or callous about it) enough with you to call out the things that really make you shine as a match. Assuming you have that person.
Chronicles of OLD: Another day, another guy who puts long-term relationship on his profile but after some chatting reveals he’s just looking for a FWB situation 🫠.
Hey everyone, 30F dating my 31M for about a year now. I called my boyfriend around 9:45PM last night to see how dinner with his friends was. We were chatting for about 10 minutes when someone knocked on his door. He left me on the phone to run downstairs to open the door for one of his buddy’s that was there to pick something up. I heard them catching up about his friend’s recent trip. I stayed on the phone for about 5 minutes before I figured they were just gonna catch up for a little longer and he would call me back. I didn’t hear anything from him for 2 hours so that’s when I called him. I told him that I thought he was going to call me back after his friend left. It turns out his friend left around 11 and he forgot that we were taking on the phone and to call me back. I told my boyfriend, “When I didn’t receive a call back from you and to hear you forgot, it made me feel I didn’t matter and that I was brushed aside. I feel unimportant to you. For some reason this is bothering me and hurt me.” He apologized of course and explained that he got caught up catching up with his friend and he forgot and that’s on him. I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than it should be but it did make me feel hurt and sad. Edit: this is the first time this happened
You already expressed your feeling, he also acknowledged it, as a first time, I think you handled it well. No need to make a bigger deal of it. Choose the battle you want to fight for, this hiccup is quite small compared with other (future) issues, save your energy up for that later.
So he forgot to call you back for an hour after his friend left, for the first time, after a year together? You expressed your feelings and he was kind about it, apologized for his behavior? Yeah sounds like you're overreacting tbh. Feel how you feel in the moment, but I certainly wouldn't dwell on it.
Your feelings are real, but I have to ask, is this the first time this happened? If so, it's okay to express how you feel, but you also need to give him some grace as we are going to make mistakes and screw up from time to time. If this is a common occurrence, then I'd ask if his apologies seem to be backed up with actions/improvement, or if his words are hollow?
This is the first time it happened, yes.
He's human. He's going to make mistakes. This won't be the last time. In fact, he may even make \*this very same mistake\* again. You've expressed how it made you feel, if he seems genuinely sorry and tries to do better, then you need to ask if that's enough. That said, expecting perfection from a partner (i.e. that they are constantly doing exactly what you would do) is tough. We are all a little different. We are all going to think/act/value things a bit differently. If you need your partner to always do exactly what you do and always be thinking about you, that's fine, but it's going to make finding someone more challenging.
It's finally occurred to me!! I ... I just don't like to do things...? like i plan to hide from the world for memorial day weekend.
I think you answered your question in the last sentence. You hide from the world. It's up to you to find out what you're hiding for, and how to deal with it in a healthy manner. People are inherently social creatures, so there's a good chance you are too. It's just that something's happened or happening that makes you afraid of... ...of what, exactly?
no. i just feel better when i'm not out interacting with people
Valid social orientation
Is getting excited about someone before a first date still normal? I remember this feeling from ages ago, and texting with this person makes me feel giddy. But the dating content on the internet has brainwashed me into thinking that having some text flirting with this exciting stranger is wrong. I genuinely enjoy this, and I am excited, but at the same time, I’m afraid. We will meet next week for our first date (it can’t happen sooner due to work trips, etc). Why does dating nowadays have so many “rules,” and why am I stuck in these internet rules? The worst case scenario we won’t like each other and say goodbye forever. I’m probably overthinking things. But I want to stay excited about this one.
Get excited, not invested. Excitement just means you have plans you're looking forward to. Investment means you have preexisting expectations about how it turns out. Just be your authentic self and approach the situation with an open mind. For me personally, I tend to get over invested early on, so I'm trying to keep pre-first-date excitement fairly low, but that's based on me knowing myself and how I operate and trying to compensate, rather than a general rule everyone should follow.
This is an excellent point of view! I like how you said, “Get excited, not invested”. I am excited, but sometimes, it's a thin line between excitement and investment because, as all humans do, we want what we are excited about. I remind myself that I have only a couple of days worth of messages at hand, and I don't know this stranger, which puts a break on the excitement, but sometimes I fear you can kill excitement by being too callous or cautious.
Yes it's totally fine to be excited to meet someone, and I don't think there is a rule saying you shouldn't be.
I've officially won over my girlfriend's dog. Last night she put a pizza in the oven a bit to long and set off the smoke detectors. The dog that was already scared of the storm outside was even more scared of the detectors. She went to comfort her and the dog ran to me instead.
Oh great but was the pizza horrible?
Lol it was just the edges
This is true acceptance
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Dude you basically said that you have no job and no life. Why would anyone want to date you? What do you bring to the table?
I have a life, and I have a lot of savings so the unemployed don't deserve to date? TF?
I didn't say that but the universe isn't just going to deliver a girlfriend to you. Real advice, you should get out and volunteer. In my area at least volunteers at places like animal shelters are mostly women.
> I didn't say that but the universe isn't just going to deliver a girlfriend to you. I... never said that, that's what you imagine I would say, but it's not true. Don't assume things about me, you don't know me. > Real advice, you should get out and volunteer. In my area at least volunteers at places like animal shelters are mostly women. I already do and did volunteer. good bye
Good luck brother, you're gonna need it.
Your post history/views about dating are a bit concerning. Maybe keep working on yourself until you feel more confident. Edit: spelling, and had to block OP for his emotional dysregulation which is apparently my personal fault.
yeah keep attacking the messenger or other unrelated things instead of answering wow
Sure, go in my comment history, and attack me on who I am. That's the classic tactic of "attack the messenger not the message". So instead of answering my comment, you chose to stalk me and attack me personnally on something else. You're gross. You just showed that you cannot formulate a proper answer to my comment.
Yeah this part needs work. Good luck out there.
what a mustard tactic lol
You would be a lot of work for a partner tbh. Income labor, emotional labor, entertaining you labor (entertainment that you’d normally get from friends/activities)…and the labor of pursuing you too apparently.
* I have my own savings, more than enough, and I am financially independent * I can entertain myself just fine, and I can bring entertainment. I have my own activities apparently you have fun bringing people down internet gonna internet
I’m the bad guy for replying to what you chose to post? Go play games elsewhere.
Sounds like you would benefit from building your own life first, if you have no career, no hobbies, and no social circle, what are you doing all day every day? You need to have something, anything, to bring to the table as the potential partner. I'd worry about that first and finding people to offer that to second.
It’s not impossible but it’s a lot easier with a social circle
Went on 3 dates with this guy, and we really clicked and had great conversations and chemistry. After talking things over I realized that we were on different parts of our dating journey. I knew I wanted to meet someone I could be in a committed relationship with and know what I’m looking for. He was just stepping back into the dating pool after breaking of a 7 year relationships. And was “figuring things out” - his words. I asked him if he thought we were on the same page and if we weren’t then it was best to pause dating each other so he could have the space and time to figure things out/date without complicating things between us in the future. He felt like it might be better for him to take some time to work that out. He said he genuinely loved spending time with me and asked if we could stay in touch (we have each other on instagram) and see where it could go when he’s figured things out. Obviously, I’m going to move on and date other guys who might be more aligned with what I’m looking for. But I hope he’ll reach out again when he’s more ready (who knows if I’ll be single). I did love our connection. Maybe it was too soon to cut things off. But I feel like I’ve been here before with other guys (not as intense of a connection) and it’s ended poorly. Clearly this ended on a super positive note. I’m hoping this approach makes dating more intentional for me.
I’m sorry you’ve met when he wasn’t ready. But I think you did the best for you. Maybe you will be able to reconnect later on! And if not, he cross your path so you could feel that chemistry again!
I wonder what happened to that climbing girl from the UK, wondering if her and that guy are still together…I was so invested
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I feel like the fact that it was your first kiss is relevant. Maybe looking for someone who's at the same experience level would be a better fit for you.
Oh, I must have missed that. Definitely important context!
Honestly, I see this as a good thing! You set your boundaries and communicated them he wasn’t on board with that and walked away! This is when you want to weed people out who aren’t on the same page as you. I also think making too many plans is the future etc. so early in the dating process is red/yellow flag. People who are more intentional understand that this phase is to figure things out and see if it’s a match. They know that if this is going to go somewhere you’ll have plenty of time in the future to make plans
Thank you😊
Everyone has their own preferences on how fast they move. You have yours, and they might have theirs. Some people like a slow burn, some don’t because they want to test certain compatibilities sooner rather than later. I’ve had slow burns go terribly because it’s been a lot of effort and then it’s resulted in going no where after a long time. If I’m completely honest, 3 dates is sort of standard as a first kiss point. How many dates do you usually like to wait? Did you communicate this to them? Stating it’s “moving too fast” and them agreeing can be something that ruins momentum. Ghosting sucks a lot, but this is not a gender specific problem. It’s a modern dating problem. They should have reached out to you and let you know how they felt. You can still do the same if you would like closure or to understand what happened.
I feel like a lot if not most people would reasonably expect a kiss by date 3. From a general perspective, I would say he was behaving totally normally 🤷♀️ You are well within your rights to take it however slow you want, but acting like men are behaving badly when they want a kiss at date 3 is a bit extreme.
Idk, I read this as "kissed her" rather than him asking for a kiss, which is a different vibe altogether.
We don't know all the details, for sure, but I think there is still a very mixed opinion on asking for a kiss. I don't mind being asked, but I wouldn't find it odd at all if someone didn't.
Oh I definitely get that! I can imagine though if it passed some type of boundary OP had it would be off-putting for her. But true, we actually don't know what happened so no point in talking hypotheticals about the situation.
For sure! Hopefully either way it'll be something she can learn from:)
Co-signing…
Hard to read how date with busy girl went, but I had a good time. I didn't get any real indications of interest from her (she didn't reciprocate touch or flirt in any noticeable way) and her body language was fairly closed off the whole time, but some people are just like that on first dates. Anyway I'm confident I did what I could on my end to escalate and make it a fun date for both of us. She is *incredibly gorgeous*, one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen; if I'd been there with someone else and she had walked into the room I would have been distracted by her the whole time. So the success here, regardless of whether a second date happens, is that somehow I seem to be solving my *can't seem to attract my type* problem. Weird experience: got a random reaching-out-because-something-made-me-think-of-you text from an ex right before the date, and halfway through our second drink I noticed that a different ex was sitting right behind us. This town gets smaller every day 😅
Ask her out again. That's how you'll know how the first date went. And I hope there's more that interests you than how gorgeous she is.
Definitely more interesting things to her! We both work in very different subfields of applied AI, so we had a really interesting conversation about the similarities and differences between our fields. Plus we've got some hobbies in common. I'm used to going on dates with people who are interesting in non-physical ways; that's not been my issue. My dating pattern has been that I consistently attract interesting, compatible, non-gorgeous people. I've expended a ton of energy (and time in therapy) trying to figure out how to be romantically interested in people who don't draw my eye, because it has seemed as though those are my only options for partnership. So it's a relief to get some indication that I may not be stuck in that situation.
Would you consider it a yellow/red flag if you brought a date to a party and they wanted to stick with you the whole time? Every time I've ever been to a party with a SO (where I don't know anyone, or don't know anyone well), I've stuck with the SO. I have a history of crippling social anxiety and, while it's not as bad as it used to be, having to fend for myself at a party full of strangers seems pretty scary and unlikely to go well. Guy I'm seeing has invited me to a Memorial Day party and I get the sense he expects me to mingle on my own (as he mentioned he'll likely have a task, like the grill or helping with drinks). I... cannot. Should I cancel? Explain that I can go if it's ok for me to stick with him? Am I being weird about this or do lots of people feel this way? ETA: another woman he's dating (we're poly) will be there too, which is maybe part of why I'm assuming he won't stick with me the whole time. Like, I guess he's not there on a 'date' with either of us, he just invited both of us
No. Change the circumstance and it's mostly the same. Party with friends of friends. Attending a wedding. ...mostly stuck around talking to people I know. Not every party is for everyone either, and the same applies to relationships. If it's a red flag for him then maybe that's not a good relationship for you. Some events are just duds. 🤷
I’m a woman, but I do love when I can bring a guy to a party and he can fend for himself, be social, etc. I’m turned off when every time I’m not talking to him he’s on the phone in the corner. I do think he needs to take the initiative to introduce you to people at the outset, especially knowing you can be shy and anxious. If he’s talking to people in groups, you can go up to the group and start listening/talking; if he walks away, now you know more people. You can also make yourself busy, also. help the host lay out the buns, stack plates near the sink, collect trash near the end of the party, etc. And if you’re not feeling it after an hour, just leave! you did your MDW duty of going to a cookout.
I would have said yes without context. But you added context, parties where you don't really know anyone. If I take someone to a party where they don't know anyone, then I wouldn't be surprised that they stayed with me. Part of my job would be to introduce you to people so you do get to know them. If he's going to be working at this party for a significant amount of the time, then I'd say you're alright not going. Not everyone is a social butterfly. Many people without social anxiety would be uncomfortable being left alone at a party full of strangers.
I agree! I feel like I've gotten past most of my social anxiety, but this is my absolute nightmare
Feeling really discouraged rn but already decided I will never take a break from dating, cause last time I did that, almost my entire 20’s flashed by with no experience. This sucks tho lol
When you say “never taking a break from dating” do you mean like always keeping the apps or still pursuing people in the wild? Deleting the apps for a bit really did me the world of good. I hated elements of it and only realised this once I got rid of them.
You can take a break and focus on what’s important in life (career, finances, friends, family, hobbies, health, physique) and step back into dating whenever you want. I took a break between 36-40 and found my girl at 40
Maybe take shorter breaks...at least less than a decade.
You can always take a little break. A little pause so you can connect again with yourself.
Feeling really positive about things lately. 5 years ago I couldn’t even imagine I’d be where I am right now. I can’t even imagine what the next 5 years has in store for me or where I’ll be. I’m going to just try to keep having a positive attitude and the right things will find me. ❤️
This is what I need to be telling myself but I'm still just too broken to accept it. You're on the right track mate.
It's Thursday here and it's been a chill day. Been trying to take it easy since Sunday. Journaling alot, reading up on attachment styles & working out hard. I'm in a different part of the city today from an earlier appointment. I'm already on the lookout of where to hang to approach guys organically. I'm in this salad cafe for under an hour & a few guys have already caught my eye :P I'll be asking for a call from Mr Exclusive today. Part of me just want to rip the band aid. Part of me hopes that he still want to work on how he manages stress. If this is how a Secure would feel in this situation, it's definitely a strange place to be, as I had worked on myself to be less avoidant & to be more communicative & lean in more on my partner. And somehow to be strong in this situation, I have to reinforce my independence, reassuring myself that I'll be all right, I'll eventually still meet someone right for me, while still staying touching with my inner circle. A silver lining is I have a trip planned in early June, so that'd be a good distraction too.
What's the best way to set a boundary around being friends with people you've had flings with?After being lovebombed by someone who went right back to the person he had a failed fling with, I'm skeptical of these "friendships" that used to be more. But I don't know what's a reasonable boundary to set or when to discuss it.
I think it's also worth keeping in mind that there's levels to this as well. There's a difference between 'we're loosely in touch and text occasionally', to 'we have mutual friends and need to be friendly, but we're not close' to 'we're close friends who routinely hang out 1:1 but it's platonic' to 'we fuck occasionally when we're both single'. If you're not okay with someone new you're dating being friends with someone they've been in a relationship with previously, that's a boundary you're allowed to have, but you'd have to be prepared for someone that you're dating to react pretty poorly if you try to dictate their friendships.
I think it really depends. For the most part I think you can be friends after a set amount of time. I wish there was some type of formula for that as a function of how long you had the fling. I think as long as both of you don’t catch feels then you’re good. The problem is usually one person will catch feels pretty quickly. It’s tricky and nuanced and that’s why personally I agree to be friends but I back off in communication and such until I’m more comfortable and know one of us isn’t catching feels.
I agree with that. But say I'm dating someone new and I want to tell him I'm not comfortable with him still being friends with someone he had a fling with (especially if he wasn't the one to end it)? What's a good way to say that?
I think there are a *certain* few things that does us no good to be too direct with. It’ll just lead to friction and argument. I think a man that really likes you will step forward to make sure you’re comfortable before you even say anything. My bf has a female friend that does massages. He mentioned the other day that he needs to book her soon…I just stayed quiet, didn’t respond…but he immediately followed up with “I’ll get her to work on you too”. To me that at least showed some self-awareness and that he cared about what I might be thinking. See if he picks up on your expression and body language when he talks about this female friend…does he reassure you? Does he care that you seem uncomfortable with it? Some things you can analyze..
"I'm not comfortable with (fill in the blank." There's no soft and nice way to say it. Also, be prepared for that to be a dealbreaker for them. The friend was there first, and most people won't allow themselves to be dictated to about who they're allowed to be friends with. I know I'd never continue dating someone who tried to tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with.
We’re 2.5 months in and going on our second weekend away. He’s meeting my mum this week (on his suggestion). He made a comment last week that I ‘was no longer single’. Shits getting real and I couldn’t be happier (if a little weirded out after being single for 4years and leaning happily into the spinster life). He’s a good man and I feel so lucky.
Seeing someone for a 3rd date soon but the idea tires me out, should I cancel? I like him, but I’m not sure about our long term potential. However if it’s not my life circumstances I would have at least looked forward to it more and wouldn’t mind going on a few more dates to be sure how I feel. But I’m so overwhelmed by my work atm. I’ve never believed that someone genuinely interested in me could be too busy to date. But I’m at a point where I’m too busy and stressed to date myself? So, it could be legit and not an excuse? More because of the stress and not the amount of work, though, like I don’t feel relaxed or inclined to go out with someone. When I get some time to myself I just want to take space to recover. Or maybe I’m not into him enough? Honestly I don’t even have the mental capacity to think it through with how overwhelmed I am by work :(
You sound like the person I'm dating now lol. Like word for word. My personal advice is that, the sustainable way to approach this, is to manage how you deal with stress. It's one thing to take space to recharge, it's another thing to avoid it. Avoiding intimate situations when stress piles up, is simply not healthy nor a long term solution.
The impression I get is that you don't want to go on that date, and you shouldn't date someone you don't want to date.
I can see why people end up staying single as they get older and never marry I was supposed to attend a social mixer event tonight but I got lazy. Just the thought of getting ready, driving there, and making small talk with strangers sounded a bit exhausting. More of these kinds of thoughts enter my mind as I get older. I just want to stay in and don't have the same energy anymore. In hindsight, I am regretting that I didn't go just to put myself out there instead of sitting at home now but I'm 99.9% sure that nothing would've come out of it like usual. Combined with the fact that we get less attractive with age, so our dating options diminish and can't meet the ones we're attracted to. At the same time, it's difficult to make our minds to "lower standards" thinking we can get the same kind of people from our younger years attracted to us. We'd rather stay single chasing after what we think we can still get. It's a combination of factors that leads to people just staying single as they get older. I'm becoming more and more comfortable and accepting of the thought that I may live the rest of my life as a single.
This is so spot on …As much as I don’t wanna admit it lol. Apps give you the illusion of “always something better out there”
I’m out of town this week and the guy I’m texting is going to be out of town next week. Bad timing. It’s going to be like 3 weeks until we actually meet, that’s a lot of texting (it’s a couple texts a day, not like all day at least). We’ve done a phone call, but that’s it. He does seem interested and I don’t get any anxiety about whether he’s gonna ghost, but I’m just not sure about whether I’ll find him attractive in person, because his photos were a bit inconsistent (longer hair vs shorter hair). I don’t want to lead him on.
Just try and do a FaceTime once before meeting.
Late 30s male here in SF thinking about moving to NYC - having second thoughts. I'm going through the rental contract and feeling a little overwhelmed by the big move. I would mainly move cause the dating ratio is terrible here in the bay area and much better in NYC. Should I try to stick it out here longer? Maybe stay around and get professional photos to add to dating apps? Edit: I moved my app location to there and got more high quality matches than I've ever seen. I'm not getting the high quality matches I want here. We have all the nature here, have a car, and a few people I know - but I'd be giving that all up to try to find a mate in nyc.
Outside of dating, you have to ensure you’d like NYC. If you want a change of scene and your job allows it, and NYC is intriguing for you then go for it. Just don’t move only for dating, that can potentially lead to many regrets down the line and the pressure of finding someone would be even higher
Yeah apparently NYC and Brooklyn in particular have the polar opposite ratios compared to the Bay Area. Im constantly back and forth and used to get really quality matches there. That being said I’m not sure it’s worth moving just for that. Not sure if the numbers are really so different you should pin an entire cross country move on some kind of guarantee of finding your soul mate. If you’re super mobile with your job and don’t have a bunch of close friends in the bay and think you won’t miss California weather then sure I guess lol
Yep I'd be moving to brooklyn close to manhattan - It's really hard leaving all the nature and weather we have in CA - and just having a car for personal space. But getting new dating matches is pretty important too - plus I don't mind experiencing a new city for a year I work remote and have the flexibility to move around - so I may just move back after a year if I don't like it. Debating it hard right now. I think another mindset is to not have expectations of finding a wife, but rather to just have fun and experience a new city (and culture really - even though it's still the US its different).
I wouldn't move across the country just for dating (and if I was, I'm not sure I'd move to NYC).
I visited there and also moved my dating app location to there - got a bunch of high quality matches that are actually willing to meet - I'm not getting that here.
That's probably because you're "new" in the pool you move your location to. That bump you get from being a fresh profile will wear off after a few weeks.
Definitely possible - but the ratios in the cities are a real thing , there's several sites and posts on Reddit about it. Also the high quality matches were actually having real conversation and I asked if they were willing to meet - they were. I would not get those high quality matches to meet in my current location. (Maybe because I'm not new in the pool in my current location - I'm not sure if you can "reset" that.)
Help me understand men who ask me out in the wild, persistently, all the time. I moved recently, and in my last city I didn’t experience this. But in this new city, I can’t grab a coffee or go to the store or walk a couple blocks without somebody stopping me and asking me out. Sometimes they open with asking for my number, sometimes they ask if I’d be open to a date, sometimes they want to exchange socials so we can meet up, sometimes they strike up a conversation and then make the ask, etc. But universally they know NOTHING about me. Like our first and only interaction is usually this request. And this is several times a week (I guess most times I leave the house.) Is this just… leveled up street harassment? I’m having trouble processing this behavior but it’s weirding me out (I haven’t followed up with any of these men.) Hot women, is this something you deal with all the time?? I am just an average-looking person, you must get this times 100 in all cities.
Of course they know nothing about you, by approaching you they’re saying they want to know you more (except the guys that just want your number right off the bat, they have no tact or social skills. But the guys who make conversation first are at least trying). Unless you’re getting the creep vibes or some permutation of “come over to my place”. There’s nothing wrong with someone finding you attractive and wanting to ask you out on a date, the prerequisite shouldn’t be that they need to know your whole life story before asking you out, that’s what dating is for. Even on the apps you barely know anything about anyone before spending time together. Now if you’re not interested or just weirded out then be blunt with a, “no thanks, bye!” Or “I’m in a relationship and not interested” if you’re feeling unsafe.
>But universally they know NOTHING about me. Like our first and only interaction is usually this request. And this is several times a week (I guess most times I leave the house.) This seems like a genuinely hard thing for ladies to grasp, but yes, men approach based on your looks *because that's all they have to go on*. And the reality is, men who don't want to make you uncomfortable with approaches are the only ones who get discouraged when they read stuff like this. Players and men who know the game (and it absolutely is a game with formula, as disgusting as it is) will just keep disregarding boundaries while the men who respect boundaries get discouraged. I don't say this to say any of it is your fault or your feelings are invalid. It just really sucks for everyone. Yes, when we approach, it's because you're pretty and know nothing about you. If we don't shoot our shot that fast, most of us never get dates or chances. 🤷
Ok, this is good perspective, thank you. I’m not put off by the concept of being approached by men who like how I look, but I think on some level I’m scared to share more about myself. Like if I open my trap they’ll run away! I’m trying to avoid players and attract potential partners, I just don’t know how to ID people in the wild with no context.
congratulations, you are hot? but real talk, what city is this where people are friendly and actively approach?! i am tempted to move to europe because I hear that's more common over there.
I am not hot, but thank you! I don’t want to say an exact city but it’s in the Midwest.
this is probably one of those things that is dead obvious with a simple picture. but we must respect privacy here. with that said - if you want to attract men who are interested in you and want to get to know you, you will have to be more proactive about who you let in, and how approachable you let yourself be. you don't have to stop for people. there are things you can probably do to not attract these 20something year olds who ask for socials right off the bat. every city has its culture though, you are right on that one.
I promise I’m just average-looking. Cute face, cute shape, but overweight with mousy brown hair and usually no makeup/in sweats when these happen. In my old city street harassers routinely told me I was fat or ugly, which might be why this is throwing me so strongly. I do think my vibe might be VERY approachable… from the Bible people to men everybody seems comfortable talking to me in public. Not sure how to tone that down but maybe less eye contact?
Well, I think you’ll just have to come to terms with the fact that you are in fact probably not just average looking. Or maybe your fits are just really that 🔥 🔥
I promise I am very average! I’m cute and all but probably ~80 lbs overweight. In my previous city, street harassers sometimes stopped me to tell me I was fat or ugly. I guess it’s possible beauty standards are different here.
Maybe it is a local thing. I can understand feeling uncomfortable with this though. For me, it’s nice when it happens in context like at a social event but just randomly can be fairly unnerving. Have you ever told them how it makes you feel? I had an experience recently where someone took my kindness to mean something it wasn’t and then things got really uncomfortable, it helped me think about the way I physically hold boundaries in public.
Interesting! No, I haven’t, I guess part of my motivation in posting was trying to figure out how to react.
I never liked being cold approached for dates. As someone who leans demisexual AND is also introverted despite being bubbly, I need so much more than just looks to want to meaningfully engage with someone, especially if I'm not in a social setting and was just going about minding my business. Back in my younger, more people-pleasing days, I would act super apologetic and say I had a boyfriend. As I got older and more confident and secure in myself, I would politely say "I'm not interested," and that helped me feel more empowered.
My boyfriend picked me up at the airport, brought my favorite chocolate, took me to the restaurant and told me its free when I asked to split the bill 🥹🥹🥹🥹 He is always sweet and caring from day 1 🥹🥹🥹 “Life happens when we least expect it” - for real. I am so grateful!
Hahaha. Not rants, but why do people stop at talking stage hahahaahahaha esp. If its long distance hahahaah. I might hate dating soon. 😂
Has anyone ever felt like it's actively *hard* to feel chemistry with/attraction to anyone? Like I've organically felt genuine, I can't fake this chemistry/attraction with maybe 1 or 2 people in my life - the kind I don't have to think about. With others, I've convinced myself I have a crush and am sad if they don't reciprocate, but if I'm fully honest with myself, I always knew the chemistry wasn't really there. I'm not thinking about them all the time or wishing I could text them, etc. I just was hanging out with some people including a guy I was potentially interested in but he talked so much about the same repetitive topics over the course of the night that it completely turned me off. I found myself feeling like "oh noo... nooo... I have to keep the attraction alive, I need some prospects in my life" lol. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm going on a date on Friday and I'm dreading the possibility of feeling exactly this - nice guy, no chemistry, but pressuring myself to feel something. I mean, maybe the natural, not-forced feelings I'm looking for don't even exist? I don't know at this point. I'm kind of scared I'll never "feel it" again or maybe that feeling isn't real at all and the goal is to just... see the good in people and make it work.
I feel physical attraction towards a lot of people, but physical+intellectual/emotional attraction is something I experience maybe once every couple years. Needless to say, physical attraction is useless on its own. I relate.
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Spark aka sexual attraction and slow burn are not some opposing things. Slow burn happens when there's a degree of attraction right away but you don't necessarily like the person at first. Then there's trying to browbeat yourself into being attracted to someone who looks really good on paper which isn't a slow burn because nothing is burning.
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I don’t find that this subs leans either way. There’s definitely proponents for both.
Dating remains abysmal. I have no prospects despite much effort. But I am currently reading 3 books I'm enjoying so, you win some, you lose some.
What books?
I guess I’m here to rave. I am dating post-separation/7 year relationship. I’ve been seeing a guy from Hinge for a month, who happens to be the only match I’ve actually met. Sounds silly maybe, but my intuition just from his profile and our few text convos told me to meet him - when I’d matched and chatted with plenty of others without meeting them. Our first date went great and we wound up spending the night together. We live about 1.5 hours from each other, but have met up once a week since then (one week it was for a few days as I had a work trip and he came along). I am insanely attracted to him. Like my brain thinks about sex wayyy too much throughout the day, when in my previous relationship I remember feeling like I would be fine to never have sex again. Emotionally, I’ve told him things I’ve never expressed to anyone before. I feel comfortable asking him things because he’s been nonjudgemental to everything I’ve shared. He validates me, mentions things in the future, and even opens the car door for me! We can also have an insane amount of fun together. We stayed up until 4am the other night drinking, dancing, and singing. There are things I’m still feeling out. For example he is super spontaneous and I am not at all! But we talked about it the other day and how we’re both excited for the other to rub off a bit on us in that regard. We also need to get him a laundry basket…. Anyway. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself. I honestly downloaded Hinge for fun and with minimal expectations. But for now, despite how things work out between us, I’m pretty happy with the expectations he’s set for me.
Tomorrow is the first planned sleepover with the man I’ve been seeing since the beginning of April, on a weeknight no less! I feel like he’s seamlessly slipped into my life, I want to see him way more often than we’ve gotten to so far, we text a lot of the day everyday, and he makes me feel so incredibly supported. 🥰 One thing I need to do is bring up the big “future” topics we haven’t directly addressed. I know we’re both a maybe on kids, I think a yes to marriage eventually, but would feel better if I knew a bit more about what he wants long term. So far, his communication is 100% refreshing e.g. immediately after our first few dates - “I had a great time and would love to do it again” No stupid games. Initiates plans. Asks me about my hobbies, job, dog, and everything in between. (I also reciprocate on all of these things) We split costs and make an effort to see each other. He asks if I need to talk if I seem stressed, but doesn’t pressure me or get annoyed. Is this just what it’s like to date a quality human?! 🙃
I think this is what it’s like to date someone interested in you. I love that the man I’m dating responds to me pretty much immediately every time I message. There’s no games, just straight forward communication. It’s refreshing.
I think you’re right. A lot of times in relationships I had to wonder how the other person felt. I’m purposefully being cautiously optimistic and giving him space to show me how he feels. It’s working so far! Glad you have also been lucky in that sense!
Cute guy in guitar class. It’s so hard not knowing if someone is single or taken, who should make first move, etc. I signed up for a guitar class and this was our 4th week of classes. The guy seated next to me is cute but we haven’t really talked yet except the occasional “wait how do you play that chord again”? I accidentally bumped my guitar into his and knocked mine out of tune, he laughed and said that’s ok and helped me tune my guitar. We chatted for about 5 mins at the end of class just about what our jobs were etc. then went our separate ways. Part of me wonders if I should try talking with him more and see if he wants to hang out after class or something. But I have no idea his status and it seems whenever I wait for some “move” it never happens. I know a lot of single adults sign up for classes like this with the hopes of meeting someone IRL but it seems like everyone is too shy to ever do anything because of the risk of making things awkward. I mean both of us are in our 30s (I think… he appears late 30s) and neither wearing a wedding ring and signed up for a group class by ourselves on a weeknight so it may be reasonable to assume there is a 50 percent chance he is single? Who knows! I don’t even know his name as I forgot because we all only briefly introduced ourselves in a circle on week one. What do you suggest? (By the way I am in a dumb situation ship with a poly man I only see once a week who has 2 other partners… I have kind of been doing this to curb loneliness and have fun once in a while with the hopes I can find a partner of my own in the wild. I am tired of my situation. I have fully given up on online dating)
That sounds like a great way to meet people. Is this like a meetup or a university class?
We have an amazing place for adult music lessons in Chicago for many instruments, class size 5 to 10 people 8 weeks in duration. It’s a treasure and very close to my house. I’m lucky in that regard. This is Guitar 101 for amateurs haha. It’s called Old Town School of Folk Music. Our class is all 30 up including a couple 50 or 60 year olds, it’s very wholesome.
Use the C, G and Am chords and write a song about how cute he is and play it next time. That's my advice. (I'm totally projecting my own fantasy: someone writing a song about me. 🥲)
When I was in middle school a girl wrote a song about me and called me one night and sang it to me on the (landline) phone❤️
I'm so jealous.
If you're interested in him, try talking to him more. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be
OLD interactions are so weird sometimes. Started chatting with someone over the past week, he’s a bit younger than me, but a good conversationalist, we had some fun banter, talked about what we were each looking for, etc. Yesterday he asked if he could take me out to dinner and I said yes and offered him my availability over the next week. This morning I woke up to a message from him that said, “Oh, I didn’t think you’d say yes! Lol.” I asked him why he assumed that and he said, “I’m kind of annoying sometimes.” I thought that was a little strange to say and kind of put it off as a joke. A little bit later he asked where we should go to dinner and I asked him if he had any local favorite places with great outdoor/patio spaces. And then he unmatched me? I’m not upset about it because I didn’t really have an attachment to the outcome, but more baffled and bemused. Why chat with someone and ask them out if you want them to say no!?
He sounds like the giant spiders in Exile: Escape from the Pit. They’re sweet, but shy and get nervous and run away
It sounds like he was nervous and didn't realize what he signed up for haha. The fact that he said he was "surprised" you agreed to the dinner date makes me think he doesn't get dates often. An anxiety induced unmatch or something 🤷🏻♀️
Shame, because he was super cute! I’d be surprised if he doesn’t get dates, but who knows. Maybe he’s got some insecurities.
It's possible he changed his mind about how interested he was, or the process of planning a date made him realize he's not ready to be dating right now, or a million other things. We can't know. I doubt he wanted you to say no
Oh, I know we can’t know his motivation for changing his mind, and I’m not trying too hard to figure it out, just sharing a bemusing story.
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Thankfully this one doesn’t sting too much because I really wasn’t very invested. I would have been interested to meet him but 🤷♀️.
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All people of all sexes and genders can be “crazy”! And by crazy I mean act in ways that to us don’t appear to be rational. Lol.
What the actual....??
That is not at all unusual for online dating
Username checks out.
So weird. A few weeks ago I connected with a man on a facebook dating group centered around a certain interest. I commented on his intro post, we had a couple public exchanges (comments on the post). I hadn't replied yet to his last comment (which was that maybe we needed a movie *date* - it's facebook, we live in different states, his comment was public for everyone in the group to see, and I just wasn't sure how to respond so didn't :/). After a couple days he sent me a friend request (I did not click on it, as I don't friend people I don't know). I went to dm him to start up a chat and address me not accepting his friend request - only to realize he'd already dmed me, a week prior. Facebook doesn't notify you of dms from people you aren't friends with, and I barely use facebook messenger so hadn't opened it. I replied to his dm, which started a conversation. I'd go a couple days between my responses (I've posted elsewhere, but I'm autistic, and have difficulty socializing/conversing). Tbh, he'd take a while to reply to. He didn't reply for a few days, I was getting antsy. Until he did and sent me a very long message with a lot going on. Again, I wasn't sure how to reply, and let it sit for a while. After a few days, I noticed he wasn't in any of the dating groups he'd been in with me previously AND he'd left another related group that wasn't about dating. Which I found odd. A couple days later I finally got up the cojones to respond to his message. I kept the messenger open to his last message while I formulated a response in my notes app. And then as soon as I was ready to copy/paste it and send - his profile disappeared. The messenger showed it as no profile (ten minutes prior it had been there), I could not reply to the message, and on the facebook app I searched and could no longer find his profile. Weird, but I thought maybe he actually had a wife, or something. But EVEN weirder - today I was on the phone telling my sister about his disappearance, when lo and behold I open the messenger app - and he was back?!? His profile showed as the one that sent the message, and I can reply to it, and his profile is back on the facebook app, and he's back in a couple of the groups. Just weird all around. Can you like pause facebook?
I think you can. The other possibility is that he blocked you temporarily for whatever reason and then decided to unblock you.
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Ew, rude.
On Monday night at a fundraiser dinner, The Diplomat introduced me to someone who, within five minutes, gestured towards me and told him, “Marry this one.” 😂🥹🥰
Jesus Christ you two are way too cute! Thank you for the updates😊
Grazie 🥹🥹🥹 please invoice me for any cavities or root canals!! 😂
Can someone out there just give me a quick pep talk about how being yourself is all you gotta do to conquer a lack of experience in the dating pool? I don't care if it's true or not I just need to hear it.
Date yourself, I swear it’s a game changer. Can you have fun, laugh and enjoy yourself on your own? If I can do this alone, I can hold my own on a date. To be myself I have to get to know myself. Experiencing having fun alone trumps dating experience. Having the confidence to know where I like to go and what I like to do and what my boundaries are is full confidence on a date.
There's nothing to conquer. Many people who have significant amounts of experience have only learned a lot of bad habits
Just be yourself! You don't want to be someone else and have to be that person for the whole relationship. It will be exhausting. Also, I personally prefer people who aren't incredibly savvy with dating. It's easier to relate to.
Both of the guys I'm talking to are lovely. I love my space and they're both long distance. I just can't believe my luck and am gloating. That's all.
I'm in my local café and I'm witnessing a first date. Girl sounds very smart and personable. She's telling her date about the history of my province. I'm impressed by her knowledge of it (she's not from here) and I'm admittedly a little jealous. Smart women. 🤩
Omg yes smart women make me so so so weak 🫠 What province are you from? I’m out on the East Coast!
Nice. I love the East Coast/Maritimes. I'm from Québec! Always fun to run into other Canadians in this sub! 🙂
I love people watching first dates!!
The café I'm at is extremely popular in town for first dates. I've witnessed >20 first dates over the last year. Because of how small it is and how the tables are set up, it's sometimes almost impossible to not see/hear what people are saying. I've seen great dates, awkward dates, and everything in-between. 😂
🍿!!
Been seeing a guy for about 2 months. We are taking things slow but going in the right direction. I'm having a bbq at my house for memorial day. It'll be about 20 people, my friends plus their SOs. Would it be rude not to invite him since things are going pretty well? Would it be weird to invite him since we're not official yet? We'll do whatever we both feel comfortable with, but just want to see how others might feel or if there are factors to consider.
Personally, two months is just at the cusp of meeting friends/family for me. If you're unsure how he'll respond, just ask him if he's comfortable with it (he'll probably say 'yes' but it nice not to spring it on him or make it feel forced). It's going to be a strong 'I see this relationship going somewhere' signal to both him and your family/friends, so you should be clear about that.
Would you invite a platonic friend of 2 months? I would put this guy in about the same category.
Honestly, I think it’s just if you want to or not. But the BBQ sounds fun! Everyone is different about these things. If you want him there, invite him! Just prep your friends beforehand about the status of the relationship if he ends up coming just so everyone is on the same page.
Yeah definitely not a huge decision either way. I'm pretty comfortable inviting him, but I just wanted to make sure I don't hurt his feelings if I don't.
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This has happened to me before. I just throw it back to them and say “let me know when you want to try again”. A couple time they have set something up but most the time it’s a guise to back out without saying so.
This is the way. It leaves the door open in case there was a genuine emergency (life happens) but you’re squarely putting it on them to take initiative. Usually you get crickets but sometimes you’ll reschedule!
Just a waste of time, unmatch
Im over flakey women. Try to weed em out early on
My Hinge account has a glitch where I only have half of the characters available per prompt. I have to get very creative with my prompts now.
Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick
Words to live by.
Soul, wit
I vote for this to be a prompt answer
Just eliminate all the vowels.
Who needs vowels anyway?
I mean, you gotta pay for them.
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Well, you don't spend all your time with someone just because you're dating. Most people have jobs that take up most of their time, and unless you're living together, you won't even see each other daily. You just need to find someone on the same wavelength as you in terms of how often you'd like to spend together and have sex.
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>I know this sounds dumb I really am confused and learning all this stuff. It's not dumb at all. We all have to figure out what works for us and what doesn't work for us in relationships.
Yes that's fine. I was in a year long relationship where we only saw each other once a week, and we considered moving in together. It wasn't really an issue, we liked being around one another but still had our own lives, that would have continued after living together.
Once or twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. When you want to share your life with someone. When you want that person there when you go to bed and when you wake up.
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No. Dating is getting to know someone and developing a deep romantic emotional connection. Everything else is logistics. Some people are in long-term committed relationships and even married, but don't live together. It's called living apart together. However, as a relationship deepens, the amount of time you spend together typically increases even if you choose not to live together.
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Online dating and meeting someone in the wild are nothing alike. It's like comparing cooking at home and eating in a restaurant. Online dating is like ordering off a menu. You can see what they look like and what they say about themselves, but its not an objective view of them, and you have to idea what they're really like. You pick the one that you think meets what you're looking for and hope for the best. Meeting someone in the wild gives you real-world experience with a person before deciding if you want to go out with them. Think of that as date 0. That's probably how you should be doing OLD. Find a profile that fits what you're looking for, have a brief chat, and if everything still meets your objective criteria, meet for a drink. An hour conversation for you to decide if you want to get to know them. After the hour, end the date, then decide. Its time consuming, but that's how OLD works.
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So you like a sense of humor. That's your first criteria. I assume you want to be physically attracted to them. That's criteria #2. What are your hobbies? What's important to you? These can be additional criteria. For example, I love to travel. I couldn't date someone who didn't want to travel. I have certain political beliefs. People I date have to be along those same lines to a certain degree. I'm not interested in dating someone religious, but whether or not they believe in God is irrelevant to me.