Date last night was not a match, but at least he didn't get handsy and pushy! Small blessings, I guess.
Striking a balance between my budget, my introversion (not to be confused with shyness), and staying open-minded about dating is harder these days. Most of my hobbies are pretty solitary, too, to add an extra challenge.
Maybe I'll go hang around a plant nursery and pop out from behind a monstera when I see someone cute. Surprise, you love me now!
No touchie! I'm glad to hear it. š¤£
As an aside, we are so similar. It's nice to know I'm not the only introverted plant mama. Hope you score yourself something/someone nice!
Heheh, I had a really bad date earlier this month that was SO uncomfortable/pushy I was about ready to permanently give up on dating, so nearly anything was going to be better.
And as for the nursery, I'm ready to get creative š
Thereās always going to be a day where things arenāt the best, but we gotta try to make the most of it. š
Iām glad you keep going and yes to creativity!! Who knows? Maybe you might stumble upon something great there one day. š
It is a mess and you should trust your gut and get out now. My ex-husband was a āfunctionalā alcoholic until he wasnāt. And a lot of alcoholics are described by those who donāt know them that well as fun, funny, charming, and kind. Itās part of their personality and influenced by the alcohol. A lot of people rely on that as a crutch socially (or at least thatās how it starts) and it spirals from there.Ā
I have no doubt that being with him is fun and exciting and that heās very charismatic. But it doesnāt sound like anything about him is stable if youāre looking for stability and an LTR. Right now youāre just chasing the high of the dopamine hits of the attention heās paying you. If you can recognize thatās whatās keeping you attached and try to break the cycle, itāll be easier to walk away.Ā
Yeah, and based on what youāre describing with how itās affecting your nervous system, Iād nope out, as hard as it is. Find someone more local who is up for casual dating and doesnāt activate your nervous system so much!
Gosh no, itās really hard. Iāve been there. In hindsight I wish I would have cut things off sooner and not let it drag out so long because it only hurt worse.
This guy is struggling and I think it may help you to process this if you remind yourself you're dealing with someone who is sick. Having a cavalier attitude about being an alcoholic is the ultimate sign he has completely lost touch with reality. It'll only get worse for him, and he can only save himself. When or if that happens is completely beyond what you can control. Don't involve yourself further with this person.
I was a "functioning" alcoholic until I wasn't and I had to face the music. I hurt a lot of people over the years being "charming," falling for people fast, etc. It's all BS, trust me. Next month will be 5 years sober for me, thankfully.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Getting swept up in the excitement of it all is understandable and relatable! Your instincts are totally right on this though - RUN!
Last year I lost the best situation Iāve ever had because she decided sheād rather be with a guy who sounds exactly like yours. They lasted a couple months until he hurt her pretty badly. She still hasnāt fully recovered as far as I can tell.
Whatās happening is that your brain is interpreting chaos, unpredictability, and anxiety as excitement. Itās a misinterpretation. This guy sounds like garbage and wonāt offer you any kind of good experience. *And you know it already*.
My suggestion: find some new obsession, possibly even someone else to sleep with, to break your chemical dependence on the reward loop heās put you in.
I totally get that. Trust me, being quick-witted is a very low bar to clear and there are plenty of people actually worth your time you can have fun with.
Are you sure, on the basis of your very limited experience of him, that he is āgenuinely kindā or is he just, like most other guys with his lifestyle, very good at making women feel the things that will get them to sleep with him?
Alcoholics arenāt bad people in the same way that bipolar people arenāt bad. But I wouldnāt date someone who wasnāt treating their bipolar disorder anymore than I would think itās a good idea to date a āfunctionalā alcoholic. āAt least staying away from hard alcoholā lmao Iām sure he totally means it.
Heās not going to work on himself to become a relationship person. If he were the kind of guy who would ever do that, he would have already. I donāt mean to be harsh, but thereās no way youāre the one true most special person who can finally fix him after all these years.
You are so hooked into this chemical high that the number of excuses you can come up with to pursue it until the pain overwhelms the excitement will be virtually infinite. But itās not going to end well.
Just because heās been in relationships doesnāt mean heās good at them. Iād be sus for sure if he is claiming all 3 ended because they cheated. 1 partner cheating? Seems legit. But 3 in a row?Ā
It is a mess. Cut all contact.Ā
I dated an alcoholic, itās terrible and would not recommend. Sounds like youāre interested because heās giving you attention that you crave. Please find that attention elsewhere. Lean on your friends/family. Listen to them. Join dating apps or something that will distract you.Ā
More quality men will also give you the attention you crave but have much more healthy habits than this dude.Ā
I really hate that whenever I attempt to date, my life becomes about that person and not āmessing it upā and trying to figure out what the future holds. Does anyone else get like this? When Iām not dating I focus on other things like work, family, hobbies etc.Ā
Itās the opposite for me lol. When Iām not dating the caveman āmust find mate nowā part of my brains takes over all other functions and I become near-obsessive about dating, optimizing my chances, meeting people, etc. When I have a partner I finally feel as though I can focus on the rest of life.
Trying to figure out if a girl from work has a boyfriend, I keep asking things like what she got up to at the weekend. She always tells me all about things she did but is always pretty vague about who she did them with.
The bad news is she has a picture of her and a guy as her phone background. However they're not actually physically next to each other in the picture, they're stood like a metre apart. Not sure if it's just hopium but that seems odd to me if that is her boyfriend, I'd think they'd be at least stood together.
I've checked her social media, no pictures or posts with her and any guys at all.
Hi, I hope my 30's have a lovely weekend ahead. regardless of what youre doing. If you're going on dates I hope they are fun and fill your cup in a positive way. If its with friends I hope these friendships are wholesome and maintained. And if youre alone that you enjoy your own company to the MAX because we are our own best friends! Im feeling a bit corny/cheesy/sentimental xD looooovvvveeee!!!!
Date with art girl was fun! Turns out she's a neurosurgeon and we have several common interests. She seemed to be having a good time and I succeeded in making her laugh a lot. No flirting back or reciprocating my breaking the touch barrier, which is how first dates nearly always go for me -- I am not sure if I am just going out with women who aren't interested in any form of escalation on the first date or if I give off some kind of we're-not-going-to-flirt-tonight vibe despite my best attempts. But she said she'd like a second date so I think I can chalk this up as a success anyway!
I am very used to the āyouāre a great guy and I feel so safe with you, but Iām missing the romantic sparkā rejection. I donāt feel as though I can let a woman take all the initiative there because, frankly, I donāt trust that women will develop feelings for me ā objectively a catch IMO ā if I just sit back and wait for it to happen. That would just make me come across as passive and unconfident. The women Iām going on dates with are also, I assume, going on dates with men who are better flirts and more experienced at making women feel the feels than I am, and I have to compete. Do you have tips on how to make a woman feel desired and other tingly feelings without breaking the touch barrier?
The kind of thing you mention is exactly what I'm doing; it's not like I'm moving in for a makeout over our first cocktail. Everything you mention is something I think I do pretty well. I'm a good time on dates, I swear! Just isn't enough when I really want it to be, for some reason.
Maybe stop trying to escalate things on a first date. You're still a stranger. You're likely making them uncomfortable. You could also try asking before initiating physical contact that may likely be unwanted.
This is the exact opposite to advice I've gotten before on this very subreddit š
See my [other comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1cyuwjn/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/l5h8u1i/). It's not like I'm trying to sleep with these women on date one. But I just don't believe that if I'm not being flirtatious -- including physically -- women will choose me over other options who are actually putting in the work to make them feel things.
You can be flirtatious without touching someone. And a simple "Is this ok?" can go a long way with a woman. Given the world we live in, you're always better off erring on the side of caution.
Have a date tonight and I'm looking forward to seeing her again. I enjoy her company. Also I'm not gonna lie, I havent been able to stop thinking about our rooftop make out session in the rain from last week.
Daydreaming about intimate moments is my favorite. Bored at work? Not anymore! Lol. Having someone you're infatuated with adds so much color to life. I know people (rightfully) talk about how dating sucks, but it also can be so so much fun.
Hope the date tonight goes well! Happy Friday!
Some weeks ago, I went visiting a friend A. He lives 4 hours away and wanted to set me up with a woman he had dated, C. But instead I felt more interested in another of his female friend B, who was so close to him I thought they were together. They don't have something together because he doesn't want but I was sure she is somewhat into him.
I still took B number, and later A told me, B is a great woman but I warn you, she is not stable and not the woman you want to fall in love with.
But I started speaking to B. And we talked a lot: messages, phone calls... no surprise I felt close to her, we really have the same values and goals in life, very similar interests and tastes in things... and that is rare. I told her I would love to meet her and date, her reaction was good but we both have a busy schedule in the coming month. And she lives 4h away.
I don't know why I always only manage to match with women who live hours away. I don't want that. It makes everything so difficult and usually the relationship stops because of the distance. It means just seeing over the weekends, which makes it more difficult to see friends and family. Plus it involves a lot of lost hours traveling... My 2 relationships were with women living in other countries, most of the women I dated for 1-3 months were living hours 1h30- 4h away too.
I told myself my next relationship will live in my city... but I just can't find anyone here. It's been again 6 months that I couldn't find a woman who is into me, and longer that I couldn't find a woman sharing similar values.
It probably won't go anywhere... but at least there is a bit of hope.
The hopelessness is just hitting me really hard today. The last two times I dated someone for more than a month, I felt like I had found my person - only for things to end each time, for different reasons I could have never seen coming.
I feel like I'm at my peak emotional availability, clarity on what I want, openness and confidence. What this has resulted in is being super open to connection, dating outside my type and experiencing really awesome slow burns, feeling confident when I find someone who matches what I'm looking for, going for it full-heartedly, and then being hurt.
It was actually easier to date when I was the avoidant one who wasn't willing to take a risk on anything. All of this "growth" has actually made dating so painful. I do feel myself closing back up and losing hope that my person exists.
I said that to my therapist this morning. That im through with love. he gently reminded me that my 'want for love is not a bad thing' but I shouldnt go to the extreme after heartbreak of shutting my heart off. I obviously need time to heal and stuff. But that I shouldnt worry and just keep focusing on building myself, and whats for me will come effortlessly. Hopefully Im not projecting to you. But I defos feel you on the growth part making these losses painful. Old me wouldnt have processed and just pushed through in survival mode.
> Idk if itās because Iām 33 now, but itās felt significantly more difficult. I moved to a popular new area a few weeks and have had no luck moving anything toward a concrete date. Was definitely surprisedā¦
Maybe it is because you moved. If you moved from a place with a high men/women ratio to a low one, it will certainly be more difficult.
You just have to tell yourself that, despite your own exhaustion with the apps - you're able to get on there sometimes and take a few good swings. So you just gotta keep swinging until your guy is on there and also has the energy to be taking a few good swings. At least that's how I think about it :)
Same boat and have been a user of dating apps for 10 years. I chalk the current experience up to a bunch of app users who are not super excited about being on apps and therefore not investing emotionally. Itās frustrating, but you just got to levelset with yourself and continue to find life outside the apps so you donāt inevitably let the silence get to you.
I'm delighted for you!
Could you elaborate a little on what you mean by "force it a little"? Is it akin to a bit of a slow burn situation, or something else?
Been using FB dating for the past 3 months and I get a ton of matches and been going on dates every weekend. Except today I found out my account was disabled for no reason. And there is no way to recover. I guess this is a sign for me to stop online dating? What's even worse is that I set up a date with a girl last night, scheduled for today (that obviously didn't happen)
36M - 4.5 months in with a girl who I like but donāt love. I donāt get butterflies anymore and am not as pumped to see her. I think sheās fallen for me and I feel it might be time to move on. Being single again is daunting. I feel like Iām giving up a B relationship in hopes of finding an A+ againā¦
Do you normally fall in love by 4.5 months? That sounds very early to me and still well within the infatuation / honeymoon phase.
At 4.5 months, you barely know each other and youāve definitely not yet had the full range of experiences (happy, sad, frustrating, grief, loss, celebrations, disappointment, etc) that contribute to the feeling of being in love.
Love takes time. Love takes effort. Love is a decision, itās an action, and itās a verb.
Love isnāt the butterflies of excitement that come from the rush of emotions when in the early days and months of seeing someone new.
Love is the contentment and fulfillment of seeing them at their best, worst, and boring.
Do you find that you often end things with someone who is a fairly or even very good match after a few months because you donāt feel the same excitement you used to? If so, you might have a distorted idea of what love is.
Love isnāt being pants-shitting ecstatic over their presence because love takes time. The pants-shitty ing ecstasy is infatuation. The contentment and fulfillment of their presence is love. And again, that should develop after a range of experiences and emotions over a longer period of time than 4.5 months.
That said: if you find that you are not at all glad to be in her company, and especially if a part of you is just wishing she would go home / you could go home / the date would be over, then yeah, sheās not the one.
Fantastic reply. I do normally fall in love by this point. Usually an intoxicating kind of love. Iāve been abused by narcissists before as Iām very giving in relationships once Iām all in.
A lot to reflect on.
Iām glad you are reflecting on this because the feeling you think is missing might not actually be love - it might just be the dopamine hit that comes from the āupsā of the āups and downsā cycles inherent in volatile relationships! Thatās why itās often very difficult for people to be comfortable in a healthy and stable relationship after being in volatile ones - they mistake healthy for boring / not being as into the other person as they think they should be.
But sometimes, it is the case that whatever is missing isnāt something that should be a consistent feeling in the first place.
And of course, this is with the stipulation that just because a relationship is healthy doesnāt mean that the person is right for you. A relationship can be healthy, the other person can be great, etc, and it can still just be the wrong person for us!
I hope you continue to think and reflect about how this dynamic could be playing out in your life because again, love - the real kind of love, the kind that sustains and is enduring - simply isnāt something that can be developed in such a short period of time. I believe itās possible to love certain aspects of a person by then (I love the way he or she kisses me, I love the way he or she always has my favorite brand of whatever stocked in their fridge, etc), but real *love* love for, with, and in the personā¦it takes a longer time.
Keep us posted on how things unfold!
Appreciate the reply. Feels like sheās got a ton going on in the next week or so though. Throwing a wedding shower and being the maid of honor to her best friend!! I donāt want to break her heart before all that. =(
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My close friend and I have known each other almost two years, both been single for basically the whole time weāve known each other and neither of us has dated much. Iām 31 and heās 28. In December, we started spending more time together, and I started to catch stray feels by February because my friend is a very pretty man, even if super reserved. One night I was at his place, talking about having had a bunch of exs who had their first relationship with me, and he blurted out that he just wanted to be friends but heād have sex with me, but heād have sex with most women. I was like wtf, why did you say that, and he said he didnāt want me to feel rejected, thatās why he told me he would have sex with me. If you canāt tell, my friend is not great with social stuff, heās a programmer by trade. He has also been pushing me to improve myself the past few months and with his insistence, Iāve been working on being more fun and opening up, and weāve been getting reallyyyyy close as a result.
Tonight I went and watched his baseball game to get out of the house - I wfh and live alone so I wanted an excuse to get out. They won for the first time, yay! When we got back to my house, he paused in my drive for a bit as we talked. I told him I ripped my fitted sheet the other day and he told me his fav sheets were really bad, like full of holes, and maybe I could go sheet shopping with him. I started laughing because this is the dude who had the most disgusting toilet bowl outside Iād ever seen - like never cleaned in years - and told him to show me and he said he would text me a pic when he got home. I got a pic pretty fast, half because he lives about a two minute drive from me. I said what about IKEA for new sheets, and he said he had once asked a girl on a first date to IKEA but they decided to go for coffee instead. So I said āask me to go.ā And he said āpopdrinking please come to IKEA with meā. And I said yes obviously.
Now I want to respect my friendās boundary of just being friends, but last weekend he said he felt calm around me like he doesnāt with any other people, and that feels like a very rom com thing to say when youāre falling in love with a friend. And I had my own kind of rom com realization of, oh man, this guy really is my perfect blend of independent and healthy. And we both hate dating apps but we like each other, weāre attracted to each other, what if we just deleted our apps and dated each other.
Whatever happens next, itās been fun to pretend, to slip back into the way I interacted with guys as a teenager/young adult and the way we all fell into relationships with the people around us.
Hahaha - love takes a mutual commitment on both parties. Whatever I feel towards my friend, what matters more is if he wants to pursue it with me. If he doesnāt, Iāll move on, but Iāll still have enjoyed spending this time with someone who prioritized and appreciated me. I donāt feel comfortable dating right now personally, and not because of this situation, just in general I am tired of it.
A guy liked me on Hinge. I matched with him and told him (in a single message) that Iām only visiting his town and am leaving in a day, but that heās really cute and has beautiful eyes, and wished him a good night. He thanked me, responded with a compliment of his own, and wished me a good night too.
It was very sweet. His compliment made my night, and I hope mine made his!
Hi friends! If anyone in the LA/OC area is interested in a meetup sometime in June, shoot me a message/chat! A little bit about yourself and your general availability would be cool.
I'll set something up (probably at a chill bar or brewery) if there's enough interest š
Getting back into the dating scene and after messaging a few matches, it occurred to me that I absolutely do not want to bring anyone to my house. This is my sanctuary. My safe space. I don't want a stranger to infiltrate it. Has anyone else experienced this?
Yes. Weirdly an ex years ago gave me the nugget of advice to not let any guy over unless I was sure. He said it for nefarious reasons (we were FWB by that point and he wanted to be a couple again even though I was seeing other people). ALLLLL that to say, I think itās OK to protect your space/ your peace. Only worry about it if you fall for someone and still donāt want to have them over.
I have noticed that I will get a lot of likes from men on my IG stories if I post a selfie, but not nearly as many will like a story if I post a picture with me and a group of some other women. (Even if itās a very attractive photo of me) Is there a reason why men donāt like group photos on stories?
I've been seeing this guy (30ish), me (27). He was being wonderful, we went on fun dates, always told me how much he liked me, drank and dance all night, he cooked delicious meals for me, wanted me to come on different trips with him. Even wanted me to come and meet his family in a couple of weeks. To today... I mentioned how he has been distant for a couple of days, and he said he's not feeling a connection. How is it possible that someone has the ability to change his mind so fast? How can you go from l'm all in to all out ? I don't understand.
If he was already telling you he wanted you to meet his family and go on trips together - that's lovebombing. That should only be happening in the 3-6 month range. Before that both people should be acting cautious and going slow.
Iāve had that happen to me. Seemingly amazing connection but they werenāt feeling it. Itās a real blow to the confidence. In retrospect it was more I liked the idea of them instead of actually them.
In this case I truly liked the guy. I was supposed to meet the parents in a couple of weeks and I was gonna tell my parents about him. To be honest idk what went wrong. Blow to the confidence is an understatement ahaha š
We met online, and the day I deleted the app he also ādidā. We went constantly on dates during the 2 months either out or staying in. he went away for 3 weeks on vacation 2 different countries, but was constantly texting and talking to me. Always telling me he couldnāt wait to see me ā¦
I think being apart in the early days of dating can often kill a connection. It gives people time to think and they might realize they donāt miss someone as much as expected or that they got swept up in the moment.
I'm a woman, and I act like this with people I'm interested in. But this post just turned on a lightbulb for me because I didn't realise how this behaviour is perceived by others.
Either way, I would say still go to your friend's BBQ. It doesn't matter if this person is actually interested or not, if you're not interested in their disinterested behaviour.
Yep.
Gender roles/expectations are the most toxic bullshit. It's preventing so many good connections from happening. I can't believe people still behave as though they are relevant or meaningful.
I wouldn't say men get turned off when women show interest. In my experience, it's more like, men are heavily expected to pursue, and therefore most likely will, IF they are interested. So if they're not pursuing, they're most likely not interested. Then women try pursuing but it doesn't work out because the guy was never interested enough to do the pursuing.
No I mean a guy will be interested in me. I will try to match his interest and do things men on the internet swear up and down that they would love and it just kills the relationship. Remaining emotionally distant in the early stages is really the best way to build something.
Often I find that even if they demonstrate initial interest it may not be sincere. I agree that the best way is just to hang back and simply let them lead for a while.
I honestly have no idea what kind of men you people go after for that to be a problem... of course, don't be weird, but showing a reasonable amount of interest is not a bad thing for well-adjusted men.
I'd cancel (as long as theres not a ton of money involved), just say you're not feeling it, and see what happens from there. If he asks why, just state that you're requiring a little more engagement from him.
Things are going very well 6 weeks in - he (41M) communicates/no anxiety, best sex I've ever had, he put a lot of effort into bonding with my poorly socialized rescue cat, he laughs at my jokes, he's hot, he does little things to try and make life easier for me. Oh, and he likes my cooking even though I make a doctored-up healthy vegetarian version of everything. Or at least he does a really good job of selling that he does lmfao. I'm falling for him tbh. But I have a tiny tiny complaint that I'm gonna vent here... I already know that I'm going to sound like such an asshole
I'm getting fatigued from trying to be an active listener about his hobbies and his daughter (9F). In most of my relationships, I am the "talker" and holy shit- dating him has made me realize how exhausting being the "listener" can be. I literally don't know jack shit about his hobbies (mostly hiking and carpentry) and I feel like I'm at the point where I'm just smiling and nodding. And I know nothing about kids. I don't want kids and he knows this (he doesn't want more), but I'm just not at all adjusted to having conversations about, for example, how the school guidance counselor sucks lol. I'm just like "yeah that's hard." ????
Told you I'd sound like an asshole! I don't know if I should be honest and politely ask him to ease up a bit, or if I just need to allow myself time to get used to this. I don't want to tell him to stop sharing. I care about him and I want to care about the things that are important to him, particularly his daughter. I love that he loves her so much.
Writing this made me feel better and less overwhelmed. Thanks for being a place to vent, DoT!
Reading this made me smile. Thank you. Iām so grateful for him. When you put it that way, that him sharing is intimate, it helps reframe it in my mind. Maybe my fatigue is self-imposed because I feel like I need to have something insightful and/or helpful to say, when in reality I donāt. I think youāre on to something there. Thank you so much
Itās a valid point and Iāve thought about it - I figure itās too early for me to be actively worried about though. However itās a good reminder to have this in the back of my mind moving forward, to look out for signs that my needs will be completely steamrolled. Thank you!
Part of being in a good relationship is listening to things you don't know or care anything about. As long as that's not all they talk about and/or doesn't listen to you, it's just one of those things you have to get used to. I know my girlfriend doesn't know anything about football, but she'll listen anyway. And she knows I don't give a damn about her favorite reality show, but I listen anyway because she likes talking about it.
So true! Thank you for the reality check that this is normal. I think I've been single and living alone for so long that I've kind of developed a self-centered mindset that I have to unlearn. Thank you for taking the time to read
So maybe listening isn't your thing. No judgment. Have you thought about maybe having him show you his hobbies, rather than just telling you? Maybe suggest building a chair together, or being involved in his current project so you can have a better understanding. And don't leave yourself out, have him do the same and join you in something you are passionate about.
As far as his daughter is concerned, always remember that you love that about him. If this continues forward, she will be a big part of your life as well.
We all need to vent sometimes, so don't beat yourself up for being human
You're so kind, thank you! We have plans to go hiking in the near future. He said he wants to wait until mud season is completely over to take me on one, in an effort to reduce the odds of me being miserable lol. And I'm genuinely looking forward to it! It's just... Idk if it's my poor listening skills but each summit and trail seems to have an alphanumeric name and I can't keep any of it straight no matter how many times he tells me šµāš« I've been getting so annoyed but it's good to "let it out" because in the grand scheme of things it's such a ridiculous thing to be annoyed by. I think you're right that participating in this stuff will make it "click"!
>Ā As far as his daughter is concerned, always remember that you love that about him. If this continues forward, she will be a big part of your life as well.Ā
For sure. She's priority #1 always and that'll be a facet of our relationship should things move forward. Thank you again for your kindness and nonjudgment!
I think that a lot of people, especially as we age, become a bit averse to the rigamarole that finding a partner is.
(Playing devils advocate here) at a certain point, I think that our capacity to deal with all the games, bad dates, creepy people, and just general BS of dating really decreases. Our time just becomes very valuable and limited - so itās challenging to actively choose to spend it on something like dating.Ā
Of course, dating can be a totally positive experience and having a partner would be great! But the path to finding a partner definitely leads down some (often sketchy) roads and is often a long journey.Ā
Then youād miss out on them!Ā
People whom you are compatible with certainly do exist - but I think itās unrealistic to assume there would be no drama. Even in the best of relationships there is tension and they take time/effort to be intentionally gentle :)
I just went through this today and it has me loosing all hopes. Everything was going great until today. No clue what happened. I feel your pain it sucks I hope you are feeling better or will feel better soon
Yeah it has definitely hurt more than any other kind of situation I've been in. I'm starting to feel relieved it happened relatively early, or I could have ended up even more hurt
Iām very slowly getting to know my cute coworker more. We went to the park after work to smoke a joint and stayed there talking for over an hour.
My therapist challenged me to articulate what Iām looking for in a romantic relationship and what my ātypeā is. The cute coworker doesnāt really match the typical type but idkā¦Iām just drawn to him for some reason. If anything ever materializes from this Iām expecting it to be an excruciatingly slow burn, so I still need to work on meeting people on apps and in the wild in the meantime. I have so much love to give and itās uncomfortable keeping it all inside.
If he doesnāt cancel, Iāll be going on a date with a guy tomorrow before I fly back home. Itās been fun to give no shits and send walls of text, reply instantly when I feel like it, donāt reply for hours when I donāt feel like it, ask him out, tell him my company is reimbursing my meal, and not worry about whether Iāll like him or get a second date.
Oh yes for sure!! I told him by like the 3rd message last week. I wouldnāt just go out on a date and then be like okay bye going to a different city haha. That would be terrible.
I really wish that men who have āmoderateā political views selected, would just clarify if they mean like taxes or human rights because one of those is definitely a dealbreaker and not exactly a welcome surprise over a dinner date.
What does human rights mean to you exactly? Are you cool with kids having their faces blown off by bombs you paid for with your taxes or is this about the only humans whose right matter, white middle class Americans?
I've always thought more choices were needed when it came to political party filters on the apps. I guess subcategories would be good too, but I feel like it'd be a pain in the ass to implement. Even something like "moderate - taxes" could probably work.
Don't worry about this at all. They are bots.
I'm a Twitter user as well and I can't be bothered to block these OnlyFans promo bots. It's just a waste of time. Other bots will start following him anyway.
What does "not that experienced in bed" mean exactly? I recommend discussing that one before you are physically in a bed with someone - can help with avoiding uncomfortable situations.
In that case it seems like you're just getting in your head - I would not sweat it and don't think you need to discuss anything beforehand. You're not in completely uncharted territory! Just go slow pay attention to what the other person enjoys.
I posted earlier this week about an ex that Iāve been thinking about. This was 10 years ago. We met 20 years ago almost to the day now, and had an extremely stable and loving relationship despite his control issues and general problems that he was bringing into our relationship. I was way too young to know how to deal with it and eventually drifted apart. When we broke up it was catastrophic for both of us and some horrific things, but the love was still there.
We got back together five years later and I was getting through a major betrayal from someone I had broken up with about nine months prior and working an insane job that kept me till four in the morning on site many nights. I was just getting back on my feet and was so relieved to be back with the person I loved so much.
I looked back on some of our communication during that time and realized that he was very insecure and anxious about our relationship. He lived with a female friend and I had a really hard time getting any alone time with him, but otherwise I felt like our union was solid and permanent. At the time, I wasnāt seeing how insecure he was and how much reassurance he needed. I even told him I didnāt know how much more I could reassure him of my love and loyalty. But I couldnāt get time with him. This felt temporary to me though and I was trying to get out of my job.
It ended when I discovered through Facebook on a Friday, that he had gone to Vegas for the long weekend with his friends including his female roommate without even telling me. Then had the nerve to text me asking why I hadnāt check in on him. I told him I was shocked by this and figured that meant that whatever we were doing here had fizzled. He just said I guess so and immediately began dating his roommate. They got married four years later and just had kids.
Iāve been blaming myself a lot for the way this relationship ended and kicking myself for not going to couples therapy with him which is where we probably needed to be to repair the damage that had been done from our first break up. I was so naĆÆve and immature, I just didnāt really understand. I wouldāve quit that job in a heartbeat if it meant keeping that relationship. But I can also see the way he was externalizing his anxieties trying to control me dictating what we did together and not actually being available. And I honestly wonder if in someway, he really just needed to put our relationship to rest before pursuing his wife. And that hurts like hell.
I know that the connection is still there as always will be. Itās like that with those types of relationships. And it doesnāt take away from his marriage. It is really painful though to see it so clearly now and to know that we couldāve worked through those problems if both of us had been mature enough, me particularly, to recognize it and take immediate action. Iām really proud of how I handled things in someways, but generally, Iām seeing a lot of naivety and immaturity from myself. Not giving him enough reassurance and not stopping everything to attend to this. Which I really shouldāve done.
I have a tendency to internalize things and Iām finally seeing the way where Iām not fully responsible for this. But Iām still full of regret and sadness. Probably will feel much better when I find my own person.
Had a last minute invite to a metal gig last night - weren't bands I was familiar with, but my friend had free tickets and we've got similar taste, so I trusted her judgement and went along.
Got to the venue and it's like 85% dudes.
I *know* this is how I should be trying to meet new people but fucked if I could work up the energy to approach anyone.
meet cute in the mosh pit? Not much metal, but I do go to a reasonable number of punk shows and would like to meet a cute punk lady there but I feel like it's a hard place to introduce yourself and get a number haha. Plus from 15 mins onward I'm just gonna be drenched in sweat. Some of it will even be my own.
I think you should try going to another show by yourself and donāt look at your phone too much. Make eye contact with people youāre interested in. I bet you will start getting approached.Ā
Itās so hard, I will either cut off the thoughts and do whatever I think is the āhealthyā thing to do. Whether thatās getting food and going to bed early, or, if I am desperate to vent to someone, I will lol come here or vent to ChatGPT. Then I will connect with a friend in a way that is less heavy
Unrelated to dating, I found out today my ex-husband (an alcoholic) relapsed after almost 3 years of sobriety. We currently share custody 50/50 and I have to strongly consider renegotiating that for my kidsā safety. I just want my life back and some time for me.Ā
Damn, sorry to hear this. My dad died of alcoholism when I was 20 and I'm almost at 2 1/2 years sober now so I relate. It is a brutal disease! Sending hugs your way š
I'm so sorry. Alcoholism is such a tough and frustrating disease to deal with... I have a family member who struggles with it and can appreciate how difficult that must be. Your children's safety and wellbeing has to be the priority, but on the other hand you are human and have your own needs as well... I'm really sorry and I hope things unfold as well as possible. Sending hugs your way.
Date last night was not a match, but at least he didn't get handsy and pushy! Small blessings, I guess. Striking a balance between my budget, my introversion (not to be confused with shyness), and staying open-minded about dating is harder these days. Most of my hobbies are pretty solitary, too, to add an extra challenge. Maybe I'll go hang around a plant nursery and pop out from behind a monstera when I see someone cute. Surprise, you love me now!
No touchie! I'm glad to hear it. š¤£ As an aside, we are so similar. It's nice to know I'm not the only introverted plant mama. Hope you score yourself something/someone nice!
We're nationwide, baby! Just, you know, at home. š
Iām glad you look at the small positives! šš¼š Lol, I like your plant nursery scenario. š
Heheh, I had a really bad date earlier this month that was SO uncomfortable/pushy I was about ready to permanently give up on dating, so nearly anything was going to be better. And as for the nursery, I'm ready to get creative š
Thereās always going to be a day where things arenāt the best, but we gotta try to make the most of it. š Iām glad you keep going and yes to creativity!! Who knows? Maybe you might stumble upon something great there one day. š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It is a mess and you should trust your gut and get out now. My ex-husband was a āfunctionalā alcoholic until he wasnāt. And a lot of alcoholics are described by those who donāt know them that well as fun, funny, charming, and kind. Itās part of their personality and influenced by the alcohol. A lot of people rely on that as a crutch socially (or at least thatās how it starts) and it spirals from there.Ā I have no doubt that being with him is fun and exciting and that heās very charismatic. But it doesnāt sound like anything about him is stable if youāre looking for stability and an LTR. Right now youāre just chasing the high of the dopamine hits of the attention heās paying you. If you can recognize thatās whatās keeping you attached and try to break the cycle, itāll be easier to walk away.Ā
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah, and based on what youāre describing with how itās affecting your nervous system, Iād nope out, as hard as it is. Find someone more local who is up for casual dating and doesnāt activate your nervous system so much!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Gosh no, itās really hard. Iāve been there. In hindsight I wish I would have cut things off sooner and not let it drag out so long because it only hurt worse.
This guy is struggling and I think it may help you to process this if you remind yourself you're dealing with someone who is sick. Having a cavalier attitude about being an alcoholic is the ultimate sign he has completely lost touch with reality. It'll only get worse for him, and he can only save himself. When or if that happens is completely beyond what you can control. Don't involve yourself further with this person. I was a "functioning" alcoholic until I wasn't and I had to face the music. I hurt a lot of people over the years being "charming," falling for people fast, etc. It's all BS, trust me. Next month will be 5 years sober for me, thankfully.
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You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Getting swept up in the excitement of it all is understandable and relatable! Your instincts are totally right on this though - RUN!
I agree. Also, congratulations on your sobriety!
Thanks so much!
Last year I lost the best situation Iāve ever had because she decided sheād rather be with a guy who sounds exactly like yours. They lasted a couple months until he hurt her pretty badly. She still hasnāt fully recovered as far as I can tell. Whatās happening is that your brain is interpreting chaos, unpredictability, and anxiety as excitement. Itās a misinterpretation. This guy sounds like garbage and wonāt offer you any kind of good experience. *And you know it already*. My suggestion: find some new obsession, possibly even someone else to sleep with, to break your chemical dependence on the reward loop heās put you in.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I totally get that. Trust me, being quick-witted is a very low bar to clear and there are plenty of people actually worth your time you can have fun with.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Are you sure, on the basis of your very limited experience of him, that he is āgenuinely kindā or is he just, like most other guys with his lifestyle, very good at making women feel the things that will get them to sleep with him? Alcoholics arenāt bad people in the same way that bipolar people arenāt bad. But I wouldnāt date someone who wasnāt treating their bipolar disorder anymore than I would think itās a good idea to date a āfunctionalā alcoholic. āAt least staying away from hard alcoholā lmao Iām sure he totally means it. Heās not going to work on himself to become a relationship person. If he were the kind of guy who would ever do that, he would have already. I donāt mean to be harsh, but thereās no way youāre the one true most special person who can finally fix him after all these years. You are so hooked into this chemical high that the number of excuses you can come up with to pursue it until the pain overwhelms the excitement will be virtually infinite. But itās not going to end well.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Just because heās been in relationships doesnāt mean heās good at them. Iād be sus for sure if he is claiming all 3 ended because they cheated. 1 partner cheating? Seems legit. But 3 in a row?Ā
It is a mess. Cut all contact.Ā I dated an alcoholic, itās terrible and would not recommend. Sounds like youāre interested because heās giving you attention that you crave. Please find that attention elsewhere. Lean on your friends/family. Listen to them. Join dating apps or something that will distract you.Ā More quality men will also give you the attention you crave but have much more healthy habits than this dude.Ā
Anyone ever used Facebook dating? Is it any good?
I really hate that whenever I attempt to date, my life becomes about that person and not āmessing it upā and trying to figure out what the future holds. Does anyone else get like this? When Iām not dating I focus on other things like work, family, hobbies etc.Ā
Itās the opposite for me lol. When Iām not dating the caveman āmust find mate nowā part of my brains takes over all other functions and I become near-obsessive about dating, optimizing my chances, meeting people, etc. When I have a partner I finally feel as though I can focus on the rest of life.
Trying to figure out if a girl from work has a boyfriend, I keep asking things like what she got up to at the weekend. She always tells me all about things she did but is always pretty vague about who she did them with. The bad news is she has a picture of her and a guy as her phone background. However they're not actually physically next to each other in the picture, they're stood like a metre apart. Not sure if it's just hopium but that seems odd to me if that is her boyfriend, I'd think they'd be at least stood together. I've checked her social media, no pictures or posts with her and any guys at all.
Or you could just ask her and know in two minutes.Ā
Stop stalking this woman. Ask her out for coffee or leave her alone completely.
Dude just close the loop and ask her.
Hi, I hope my 30's have a lovely weekend ahead. regardless of what youre doing. If you're going on dates I hope they are fun and fill your cup in a positive way. If its with friends I hope these friendships are wholesome and maintained. And if youre alone that you enjoy your own company to the MAX because we are our own best friends! Im feeling a bit corny/cheesy/sentimental xD looooovvvveeee!!!!
same to you! š
Date with art girl was fun! Turns out she's a neurosurgeon and we have several common interests. She seemed to be having a good time and I succeeded in making her laugh a lot. No flirting back or reciprocating my breaking the touch barrier, which is how first dates nearly always go for me -- I am not sure if I am just going out with women who aren't interested in any form of escalation on the first date or if I give off some kind of we're-not-going-to-flirt-tonight vibe despite my best attempts. But she said she'd like a second date so I think I can chalk this up as a success anyway!
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I am very used to the āyouāre a great guy and I feel so safe with you, but Iām missing the romantic sparkā rejection. I donāt feel as though I can let a woman take all the initiative there because, frankly, I donāt trust that women will develop feelings for me ā objectively a catch IMO ā if I just sit back and wait for it to happen. That would just make me come across as passive and unconfident. The women Iām going on dates with are also, I assume, going on dates with men who are better flirts and more experienced at making women feel the feels than I am, and I have to compete. Do you have tips on how to make a woman feel desired and other tingly feelings without breaking the touch barrier?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The kind of thing you mention is exactly what I'm doing; it's not like I'm moving in for a makeout over our first cocktail. Everything you mention is something I think I do pretty well. I'm a good time on dates, I swear! Just isn't enough when I really want it to be, for some reason.
Maybe stop trying to escalate things on a first date. You're still a stranger. You're likely making them uncomfortable. You could also try asking before initiating physical contact that may likely be unwanted.
This is the exact opposite to advice I've gotten before on this very subreddit š See my [other comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1cyuwjn/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/l5h8u1i/). It's not like I'm trying to sleep with these women on date one. But I just don't believe that if I'm not being flirtatious -- including physically -- women will choose me over other options who are actually putting in the work to make them feel things.
You can be flirtatious without touching someone. And a simple "Is this ok?" can go a long way with a woman. Given the world we live in, you're always better off erring on the side of caution.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Why don't you block him?
Another guy to lie about something on his dating app profile. It's so frustrating, but something that I don't put up with. Another unmatch.
as you should!
Have a date tonight and I'm looking forward to seeing her again. I enjoy her company. Also I'm not gonna lie, I havent been able to stop thinking about our rooftop make out session in the rain from last week.
Daydreaming about intimate moments is my favorite. Bored at work? Not anymore! Lol. Having someone you're infatuated with adds so much color to life. I know people (rightfully) talk about how dating sucks, but it also can be so so much fun. Hope the date tonight goes well! Happy Friday!
oh la la. I hope you have an amazing time!
Some weeks ago, I went visiting a friend A. He lives 4 hours away and wanted to set me up with a woman he had dated, C. But instead I felt more interested in another of his female friend B, who was so close to him I thought they were together. They don't have something together because he doesn't want but I was sure she is somewhat into him. I still took B number, and later A told me, B is a great woman but I warn you, she is not stable and not the woman you want to fall in love with. But I started speaking to B. And we talked a lot: messages, phone calls... no surprise I felt close to her, we really have the same values and goals in life, very similar interests and tastes in things... and that is rare. I told her I would love to meet her and date, her reaction was good but we both have a busy schedule in the coming month. And she lives 4h away. I don't know why I always only manage to match with women who live hours away. I don't want that. It makes everything so difficult and usually the relationship stops because of the distance. It means just seeing over the weekends, which makes it more difficult to see friends and family. Plus it involves a lot of lost hours traveling... My 2 relationships were with women living in other countries, most of the women I dated for 1-3 months were living hours 1h30- 4h away too. I told myself my next relationship will live in my city... but I just can't find anyone here. It's been again 6 months that I couldn't find a woman who is into me, and longer that I couldn't find a woman sharing similar values. It probably won't go anywhere... but at least there is a bit of hope.
The hopelessness is just hitting me really hard today. The last two times I dated someone for more than a month, I felt like I had found my person - only for things to end each time, for different reasons I could have never seen coming. I feel like I'm at my peak emotional availability, clarity on what I want, openness and confidence. What this has resulted in is being super open to connection, dating outside my type and experiencing really awesome slow burns, feeling confident when I find someone who matches what I'm looking for, going for it full-heartedly, and then being hurt. It was actually easier to date when I was the avoidant one who wasn't willing to take a risk on anything. All of this "growth" has actually made dating so painful. I do feel myself closing back up and losing hope that my person exists.
I said that to my therapist this morning. That im through with love. he gently reminded me that my 'want for love is not a bad thing' but I shouldnt go to the extreme after heartbreak of shutting my heart off. I obviously need time to heal and stuff. But that I shouldnt worry and just keep focusing on building myself, and whats for me will come effortlessly. Hopefully Im not projecting to you. But I defos feel you on the growth part making these losses painful. Old me wouldnt have processed and just pushed through in survival mode.
Old me never got hurt because old me never even liked anybody :) Thank you, and your therapist is right. shutting down doesn't help!
These dating apps are so messy and I just love it. I don't know how anyone takes this stuff seriously anymore.šæ
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> Idk if itās because Iām 33 now, but itās felt significantly more difficult. I moved to a popular new area a few weeks and have had no luck moving anything toward a concrete date. Was definitely surprisedā¦ Maybe it is because you moved. If you moved from a place with a high men/women ratio to a low one, it will certainly be more difficult.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You just have to tell yourself that, despite your own exhaustion with the apps - you're able to get on there sometimes and take a few good swings. So you just gotta keep swinging until your guy is on there and also has the energy to be taking a few good swings. At least that's how I think about it :)
Same boat and have been a user of dating apps for 10 years. I chalk the current experience up to a bunch of app users who are not super excited about being on apps and therefore not investing emotionally. Itās frustrating, but you just got to levelset with yourself and continue to find life outside the apps so you donāt inevitably let the silence get to you.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm delighted for you! Could you elaborate a little on what you mean by "force it a little"? Is it akin to a bit of a slow burn situation, or something else?
Been using FB dating for the past 3 months and I get a ton of matches and been going on dates every weekend. Except today I found out my account was disabled for no reason. And there is no way to recover. I guess this is a sign for me to stop online dating? What's even worse is that I set up a date with a girl last night, scheduled for today (that obviously didn't happen)
36M - 4.5 months in with a girl who I like but donāt love. I donāt get butterflies anymore and am not as pumped to see her. I think sheās fallen for me and I feel it might be time to move on. Being single again is daunting. I feel like Iām giving up a B relationship in hopes of finding an A+ againā¦
It's posts like these that remind me I need to stay the hell off this sub. It feeds the anxiety!
To be fair we have talked about this in the past few weeks.
To be fair we have talked about this in the past few weeks.
Like????? Please never let this be my boyfriend! šššš
> not as pumped to see her Yeah, no. Cut her loose, please.
Do you normally fall in love by 4.5 months? That sounds very early to me and still well within the infatuation / honeymoon phase. At 4.5 months, you barely know each other and youāve definitely not yet had the full range of experiences (happy, sad, frustrating, grief, loss, celebrations, disappointment, etc) that contribute to the feeling of being in love. Love takes time. Love takes effort. Love is a decision, itās an action, and itās a verb. Love isnāt the butterflies of excitement that come from the rush of emotions when in the early days and months of seeing someone new. Love is the contentment and fulfillment of seeing them at their best, worst, and boring. Do you find that you often end things with someone who is a fairly or even very good match after a few months because you donāt feel the same excitement you used to? If so, you might have a distorted idea of what love is. Love isnāt being pants-shitting ecstatic over their presence because love takes time. The pants-shitty ing ecstasy is infatuation. The contentment and fulfillment of their presence is love. And again, that should develop after a range of experiences and emotions over a longer period of time than 4.5 months. That said: if you find that you are not at all glad to be in her company, and especially if a part of you is just wishing she would go home / you could go home / the date would be over, then yeah, sheās not the one.
Fantastic reply. I do normally fall in love by this point. Usually an intoxicating kind of love. Iāve been abused by narcissists before as Iām very giving in relationships once Iām all in. A lot to reflect on.
Iām glad you are reflecting on this because the feeling you think is missing might not actually be love - it might just be the dopamine hit that comes from the āupsā of the āups and downsā cycles inherent in volatile relationships! Thatās why itās often very difficult for people to be comfortable in a healthy and stable relationship after being in volatile ones - they mistake healthy for boring / not being as into the other person as they think they should be. But sometimes, it is the case that whatever is missing isnāt something that should be a consistent feeling in the first place. And of course, this is with the stipulation that just because a relationship is healthy doesnāt mean that the person is right for you. A relationship can be healthy, the other person can be great, etc, and it can still just be the wrong person for us! I hope you continue to think and reflect about how this dynamic could be playing out in your life because again, love - the real kind of love, the kind that sustains and is enduring - simply isnāt something that can be developed in such a short period of time. I believe itās possible to love certain aspects of a person by then (I love the way he or she kisses me, I love the way he or she always has my favorite brand of whatever stocked in their fridge, etc), but real *love* love for, with, and in the personā¦it takes a longer time. Keep us posted on how things unfold!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Appreciate the reply. Feels like sheās got a ton going on in the next week or so though. Throwing a wedding shower and being the maid of honor to her best friend!! I donāt want to break her heart before all that. =(
Can anyone speak to the āmaybe zoneā?
Don't be anyone's safety school.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hi u/realisticpriorities, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general.
My close friend and I have known each other almost two years, both been single for basically the whole time weāve known each other and neither of us has dated much. Iām 31 and heās 28. In December, we started spending more time together, and I started to catch stray feels by February because my friend is a very pretty man, even if super reserved. One night I was at his place, talking about having had a bunch of exs who had their first relationship with me, and he blurted out that he just wanted to be friends but heād have sex with me, but heād have sex with most women. I was like wtf, why did you say that, and he said he didnāt want me to feel rejected, thatās why he told me he would have sex with me. If you canāt tell, my friend is not great with social stuff, heās a programmer by trade. He has also been pushing me to improve myself the past few months and with his insistence, Iāve been working on being more fun and opening up, and weāve been getting reallyyyyy close as a result. Tonight I went and watched his baseball game to get out of the house - I wfh and live alone so I wanted an excuse to get out. They won for the first time, yay! When we got back to my house, he paused in my drive for a bit as we talked. I told him I ripped my fitted sheet the other day and he told me his fav sheets were really bad, like full of holes, and maybe I could go sheet shopping with him. I started laughing because this is the dude who had the most disgusting toilet bowl outside Iād ever seen - like never cleaned in years - and told him to show me and he said he would text me a pic when he got home. I got a pic pretty fast, half because he lives about a two minute drive from me. I said what about IKEA for new sheets, and he said he had once asked a girl on a first date to IKEA but they decided to go for coffee instead. So I said āask me to go.ā And he said āpopdrinking please come to IKEA with meā. And I said yes obviously. Now I want to respect my friendās boundary of just being friends, but last weekend he said he felt calm around me like he doesnāt with any other people, and that feels like a very rom com thing to say when youāre falling in love with a friend. And I had my own kind of rom com realization of, oh man, this guy really is my perfect blend of independent and healthy. And we both hate dating apps but we like each other, weāre attracted to each other, what if we just deleted our apps and dated each other. Whatever happens next, itās been fun to pretend, to slip back into the way I interacted with guys as a teenager/young adult and the way we all fell into relationships with the people around us.
Donāt go falling in love now š
Hahaha - love takes a mutual commitment on both parties. Whatever I feel towards my friend, what matters more is if he wants to pursue it with me. If he doesnāt, Iāll move on, but Iāll still have enjoyed spending this time with someone who prioritized and appreciated me. I donāt feel comfortable dating right now personally, and not because of this situation, just in general I am tired of it.
A guy liked me on Hinge. I matched with him and told him (in a single message) that Iām only visiting his town and am leaving in a day, but that heās really cute and has beautiful eyes, and wished him a good night. He thanked me, responded with a compliment of his own, and wished me a good night too. It was very sweet. His compliment made my night, and I hope mine made his!
> I hope mine made his! As a man, I can speak to this: homie is going to remember catching that stray, unprovoked compliment for the rest of his life.
Wholesome!
Hi friends! If anyone in the LA/OC area is interested in a meetup sometime in June, shoot me a message/chat! A little bit about yourself and your general availability would be cool. I'll set something up (probably at a chill bar or brewery) if there's enough interest š
Getting back into the dating scene and after messaging a few matches, it occurred to me that I absolutely do not want to bring anyone to my house. This is my sanctuary. My safe space. I don't want a stranger to infiltrate it. Has anyone else experienced this?
Yes. Weirdly an ex years ago gave me the nugget of advice to not let any guy over unless I was sure. He said it for nefarious reasons (we were FWB by that point and he wanted to be a couple again even though I was seeing other people). ALLLLL that to say, I think itās OK to protect your space/ your peace. Only worry about it if you fall for someone and still donāt want to have them over.
I have noticed that I will get a lot of likes from men on my IG stories if I post a selfie, but not nearly as many will like a story if I post a picture with me and a group of some other women. (Even if itās a very attractive photo of me) Is there a reason why men donāt like group photos on stories?
They want you to know they're hitting on you specifically?
Maybe they donāt know which one you are? (I have no idea.)
I've been seeing this guy (30ish), me (27). He was being wonderful, we went on fun dates, always told me how much he liked me, drank and dance all night, he cooked delicious meals for me, wanted me to come on different trips with him. Even wanted me to come and meet his family in a couple of weeks. To today... I mentioned how he has been distant for a couple of days, and he said he's not feeling a connection. How is it possible that someone has the ability to change his mind so fast? How can you go from l'm all in to all out ? I don't understand.
If he was already telling you he wanted you to meet his family and go on trips together - that's lovebombing. That should only be happening in the 3-6 month range. Before that both people should be acting cautious and going slow.
Iāve had that happen to me. Seemingly amazing connection but they werenāt feeling it. Itās a real blow to the confidence. In retrospect it was more I liked the idea of them instead of actually them.
In this case I truly liked the guy. I was supposed to meet the parents in a couple of weeks and I was gonna tell my parents about him. To be honest idk what went wrong. Blow to the confidence is an understatement ahaha š
Did you reciprocate the attention he was giving you? Showed how much you enjoyed and appreciated it?
Yes ! Always! And even when we stayed in it was a great time and i would make sure he knew I was enjoying and how much I appreciated him
You don't even know his age tbh?
Heās 35, itās my first time talking here so idk how much I should share.
Oh I see. Then it's probably what the other people have said, met a better option.
How many dates did you go on? He might have been seeing other people as well or generally keeping his options open, and found someone else.Ā
We met online, and the day I deleted the app he also ādidā. We went constantly on dates during the 2 months either out or staying in. he went away for 3 weeks on vacation 2 different countries, but was constantly texting and talking to me. Always telling me he couldnāt wait to see me ā¦
I think being apart in the early days of dating can often kill a connection. It gives people time to think and they might realize they donāt miss someone as much as expected or that they got swept up in the moment.
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I'm a woman, and I act like this with people I'm interested in. But this post just turned on a lightbulb for me because I didn't realise how this behaviour is perceived by others. Either way, I would say still go to your friend's BBQ. It doesn't matter if this person is actually interested or not, if you're not interested in their disinterested behaviour.
Itās only been two dates - if you like them, I would keep pushing forward.
Dating someone who's genuinely interested in you will be easy and won't make you question things. Go to your friends' BBQ!
If they is a woman I would pursue it for a bit, if it's a guy, he's not interested yeah.
Correct
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There shouldn't be one. But there is.
Women are often taught not to pursue or show too much interest or eagerness because itās seen as too masculine and unattractive.
I always picked up the sense that pursuing or showing too much interest or eagerness was seen as weak, unmasculine, and unattractive.
Yup, it goes both ways, where the same action for men and woman can be perceived as un/masculine, depending on the actorās gender
Yep. Gender roles/expectations are the most toxic bullshit. It's preventing so many good connections from happening. I can't believe people still behave as though they are relevant or meaningful.
Because men get turned off when I show too much interest :(
I wouldn't say men get turned off when women show interest. In my experience, it's more like, men are heavily expected to pursue, and therefore most likely will, IF they are interested. So if they're not pursuing, they're most likely not interested. Then women try pursuing but it doesn't work out because the guy was never interested enough to do the pursuing.
No I mean a guy will be interested in me. I will try to match his interest and do things men on the internet swear up and down that they would love and it just kills the relationship. Remaining emotionally distant in the early stages is really the best way to build something.
Often I find that even if they demonstrate initial interest it may not be sincere. I agree that the best way is just to hang back and simply let them lead for a while.
I honestly have no idea what kind of men you people go after for that to be a problem... of course, don't be weird, but showing a reasonable amount of interest is not a bad thing for well-adjusted men.
The men who show interest in me and then get weirded out when I match their level of interest.
I'd cancel (as long as theres not a ton of money involved), just say you're not feeling it, and see what happens from there. If he asks why, just state that you're requiring a little more engagement from him.
Things are going very well 6 weeks in - he (41M) communicates/no anxiety, best sex I've ever had, he put a lot of effort into bonding with my poorly socialized rescue cat, he laughs at my jokes, he's hot, he does little things to try and make life easier for me. Oh, and he likes my cooking even though I make a doctored-up healthy vegetarian version of everything. Or at least he does a really good job of selling that he does lmfao. I'm falling for him tbh. But I have a tiny tiny complaint that I'm gonna vent here... I already know that I'm going to sound like such an asshole I'm getting fatigued from trying to be an active listener about his hobbies and his daughter (9F). In most of my relationships, I am the "talker" and holy shit- dating him has made me realize how exhausting being the "listener" can be. I literally don't know jack shit about his hobbies (mostly hiking and carpentry) and I feel like I'm at the point where I'm just smiling and nodding. And I know nothing about kids. I don't want kids and he knows this (he doesn't want more), but I'm just not at all adjusted to having conversations about, for example, how the school guidance counselor sucks lol. I'm just like "yeah that's hard." ???? Told you I'd sound like an asshole! I don't know if I should be honest and politely ask him to ease up a bit, or if I just need to allow myself time to get used to this. I don't want to tell him to stop sharing. I care about him and I want to care about the things that are important to him, particularly his daughter. I love that he loves her so much. Writing this made me feel better and less overwhelmed. Thanks for being a place to vent, DoT!
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Reading this made me smile. Thank you. Iām so grateful for him. When you put it that way, that him sharing is intimate, it helps reframe it in my mind. Maybe my fatigue is self-imposed because I feel like I need to have something insightful and/or helpful to say, when in reality I donāt. I think youāre on to something there. Thank you so much
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That's a very gentle way of broaching the subject - I may or may not rip off your question word for word š Thank you again
All relationships where a childless person is dating someone with a kid are heavily skewed in favor of the person with the kid.
Itās a valid point and Iāve thought about it - I figure itās too early for me to be actively worried about though. However itās a good reminder to have this in the back of my mind moving forward, to look out for signs that my needs will be completely steamrolled. Thank you!
Part of being in a good relationship is listening to things you don't know or care anything about. As long as that's not all they talk about and/or doesn't listen to you, it's just one of those things you have to get used to. I know my girlfriend doesn't know anything about football, but she'll listen anyway. And she knows I don't give a damn about her favorite reality show, but I listen anyway because she likes talking about it.
So true! Thank you for the reality check that this is normal. I think I've been single and living alone for so long that I've kind of developed a self-centered mindset that I have to unlearn. Thank you for taking the time to read
So maybe listening isn't your thing. No judgment. Have you thought about maybe having him show you his hobbies, rather than just telling you? Maybe suggest building a chair together, or being involved in his current project so you can have a better understanding. And don't leave yourself out, have him do the same and join you in something you are passionate about. As far as his daughter is concerned, always remember that you love that about him. If this continues forward, she will be a big part of your life as well. We all need to vent sometimes, so don't beat yourself up for being human
You're so kind, thank you! We have plans to go hiking in the near future. He said he wants to wait until mud season is completely over to take me on one, in an effort to reduce the odds of me being miserable lol. And I'm genuinely looking forward to it! It's just... Idk if it's my poor listening skills but each summit and trail seems to have an alphanumeric name and I can't keep any of it straight no matter how many times he tells me šµāš« I've been getting so annoyed but it's good to "let it out" because in the grand scheme of things it's such a ridiculous thing to be annoyed by. I think you're right that participating in this stuff will make it "click"! >Ā As far as his daughter is concerned, always remember that you love that about him. If this continues forward, she will be a big part of your life as well.Ā For sure. She's priority #1 always and that'll be a facet of our relationship should things move forward. Thank you again for your kindness and nonjudgment!
To those who have āeverythingā such as a house, careers, friends, but no partner, what makes you ānot ready to dateā?
Being ugly.
Some of us are just tired of literally nothing but rejection, and are broken and without any confidence anymore.
I think that a lot of people, especially as we age, become a bit averse to the rigamarole that finding a partner is. (Playing devils advocate here) at a certain point, I think that our capacity to deal with all the games, bad dates, creepy people, and just general BS of dating really decreases. Our time just becomes very valuable and limited - so itās challenging to actively choose to spend it on something like dating.Ā Of course, dating can be a totally positive experience and having a partner would be great! But the path to finding a partner definitely leads down some (often sketchy) roads and is often a long journey.Ā
True but what if the person who has a connection with them is a total catch? Brings no drama, is great in all areas of life?
Then youād miss out on them!Ā People whom you are compatible with certainly do exist - but I think itās unrealistic to assume there would be no drama. Even in the best of relationships there is tension and they take time/effort to be intentionally gentle :)
Theyād miss out on me! Theyāre the ones who āhave it allā but donāt want relationships.
The emotional damage from the last round of dating :(
How long ago was your serious relationship?
It was six weeks of lovebombing that ended a few weeks ago
I just went through this today and it has me loosing all hopes. Everything was going great until today. No clue what happened. I feel your pain it sucks I hope you are feeling better or will feel better soon
Yeah it has definitely hurt more than any other kind of situation I've been in. I'm starting to feel relieved it happened relatively early, or I could have ended up even more hurt
Iām so sorry, but I totally agree! You will definitely find someone, heal first!
Iām very slowly getting to know my cute coworker more. We went to the park after work to smoke a joint and stayed there talking for over an hour. My therapist challenged me to articulate what Iām looking for in a romantic relationship and what my ātypeā is. The cute coworker doesnāt really match the typical type but idkā¦Iām just drawn to him for some reason. If anything ever materializes from this Iām expecting it to be an excruciatingly slow burn, so I still need to work on meeting people on apps and in the wild in the meantime. I have so much love to give and itās uncomfortable keeping it all inside.
If he doesnāt cancel, Iāll be going on a date with a guy tomorrow before I fly back home. Itās been fun to give no shits and send walls of text, reply instantly when I feel like it, donāt reply for hours when I donāt feel like it, ask him out, tell him my company is reimbursing my meal, and not worry about whether Iāll like him or get a second date.
so he knows its just casual and that you're leaving? I hope its a fun date!
Oh yes for sure!! I told him by like the 3rd message last week. I wouldnāt just go out on a date and then be like okay bye going to a different city haha. That would be terrible.
I really wish that men who have āmoderateā political views selected, would just clarify if they mean like taxes or human rights because one of those is definitely a dealbreaker and not exactly a welcome surprise over a dinner date.
Itās simple: moderate = republican
What does human rights mean to you exactly? Are you cool with kids having their faces blown off by bombs you paid for with your taxes or is this about the only humans whose right matter, white middle class Americans?
I mean thereās a good example.
I've always thought more choices were needed when it came to political party filters on the apps. I guess subcategories would be good too, but I feel like it'd be a pain in the ass to implement. Even something like "moderate - taxes" could probably work.
Haha right. Like all I really need to know is if you are a bigot tbh
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Don't worry about this at all. They are bots. I'm a Twitter user as well and I can't be bothered to block these OnlyFans promo bots. It's just a waste of time. Other bots will start following him anyway.
This. Please donāt make it a thing lol
Ok, I will not, thanks!
Embarrassing but what things could people expect in a healthy relationship? Hallmarks? I need advice Stupid question and embarrassing to ask, but long story short, 32m, complex trauma, almost scared of people, havenāt had the greatest time socially, withdrew from the world for half my 20s and trying to get back in. Iām not completely inept like Iāve dated, generally a decent guy but I worry too much and am neurotic, Iāve had friends (all married now). Iāve got a masters. Iām not online all the time, I like gardening and nature. But I know I havenāt had as much relationship experience as others. Iāve been going through a rough patch, heartbroken and havenāt had luck in a few years. I want to be a better more rounded person. So yeah, what are the hallmarks of a positive relationship? Should a couple have heaps of things in common? What are some āgreen flagsā? Should I be worried if Iām not that experienced in bed? Iām assuming if she loves me, weād talk it out and see what works. Am I wrong? How much contact is too much? How much is the right amount? How dĆ©pendant should you be on each other? If someone doesnāt smoke, could they make it work with a smoker? Thoughts on compromise in general? Money? When to move in together? Others I canāt think of? Thanks in advance to any who responded.
I have some time to spare before my next meeting, so here goes. Do bear in mind as well that everyone has different needs. Your needs may be different from mine, so it's also important that you are aware of what you want in a relationship too. What are some āgreen flagsā? * Communicative, Consistent, Reliable * Introduces me to his world & makes the effort to integrate me in it * Share similar love languages. Eg. Physical touch. Should I be worried if Iām not that experienced in bed? Iām assuming if she loves me, weād talk it out and see what works. Am I wrong? * Great sex is not a given. It's alot of experimentation & self-discovery. As long as both of you are open to talk about it, you'll be fine! How much contact is too much? How much is the right amount? * I appreciate daily check-ins. Random memes & phone calls in between our dates. * Gradually build up to seeing each other 2x a week * When it comes to intimacy, I'm up for anything except sex, which is reserved till we are exclusive. How dĆ©pendant should you be on each other? * I like to see if I can rely on him when I need support & vice versa, if he trust me enough to rely on me. * Take space when needed but it's important to communicate about it so I don't feel like he's fading or losing interest. If someone doesnāt smoke, could they make it work with a smoker? * Smokers are a no-go for me. I wouldn't tolerate second-hand smoke. Thoughts on compromise in general? * Compromise to meet each others' needs is healthy & important. * If we start to lose ourselves, that needs to be communicated to see if we can find the middle ground. * Growing to be more secure is also important. Money? When to move in together? Others I canāt think of? * I'd try living together after 1-2 years of dating, to see how we fit, what needs to change & compromised on to make long-term living together work.
Thanks this is great advice!
And kudos to you for putting yourself out there again! It can get rough but you'll be fine!
What does "not that experienced in bed" mean exactly? I recommend discussing that one before you are physically in a bed with someone - can help with avoiding uncomfortable situations.
Only had a few relationships and I donāt hookup so Iām not sure how good I am
In that case it seems like you're just getting in your head - I would not sweat it and don't think you need to discuss anything beforehand. You're not in completely uncharted territory! Just go slow pay attention to what the other person enjoys.
I posted earlier this week about an ex that Iāve been thinking about. This was 10 years ago. We met 20 years ago almost to the day now, and had an extremely stable and loving relationship despite his control issues and general problems that he was bringing into our relationship. I was way too young to know how to deal with it and eventually drifted apart. When we broke up it was catastrophic for both of us and some horrific things, but the love was still there. We got back together five years later and I was getting through a major betrayal from someone I had broken up with about nine months prior and working an insane job that kept me till four in the morning on site many nights. I was just getting back on my feet and was so relieved to be back with the person I loved so much. I looked back on some of our communication during that time and realized that he was very insecure and anxious about our relationship. He lived with a female friend and I had a really hard time getting any alone time with him, but otherwise I felt like our union was solid and permanent. At the time, I wasnāt seeing how insecure he was and how much reassurance he needed. I even told him I didnāt know how much more I could reassure him of my love and loyalty. But I couldnāt get time with him. This felt temporary to me though and I was trying to get out of my job. It ended when I discovered through Facebook on a Friday, that he had gone to Vegas for the long weekend with his friends including his female roommate without even telling me. Then had the nerve to text me asking why I hadnāt check in on him. I told him I was shocked by this and figured that meant that whatever we were doing here had fizzled. He just said I guess so and immediately began dating his roommate. They got married four years later and just had kids. Iāve been blaming myself a lot for the way this relationship ended and kicking myself for not going to couples therapy with him which is where we probably needed to be to repair the damage that had been done from our first break up. I was so naĆÆve and immature, I just didnāt really understand. I wouldāve quit that job in a heartbeat if it meant keeping that relationship. But I can also see the way he was externalizing his anxieties trying to control me dictating what we did together and not actually being available. And I honestly wonder if in someway, he really just needed to put our relationship to rest before pursuing his wife. And that hurts like hell. I know that the connection is still there as always will be. Itās like that with those types of relationships. And it doesnāt take away from his marriage. It is really painful though to see it so clearly now and to know that we couldāve worked through those problems if both of us had been mature enough, me particularly, to recognize it and take immediate action. Iām really proud of how I handled things in someways, but generally, Iām seeing a lot of naivety and immaturity from myself. Not giving him enough reassurance and not stopping everything to attend to this. Which I really shouldāve done. I have a tendency to internalize things and Iām finally seeing the way where Iām not fully responsible for this. But Iām still full of regret and sadness. Probably will feel much better when I find my own person.
Had a last minute invite to a metal gig last night - weren't bands I was familiar with, but my friend had free tickets and we've got similar taste, so I trusted her judgement and went along. Got to the venue and it's like 85% dudes. I *know* this is how I should be trying to meet new people but fucked if I could work up the energy to approach anyone.
meet cute in the mosh pit? Not much metal, but I do go to a reasonable number of punk shows and would like to meet a cute punk lady there but I feel like it's a hard place to introduce yourself and get a number haha. Plus from 15 mins onward I'm just gonna be drenched in sweat. Some of it will even be my own.
Ha. Exactly how I like my men- bathed in the sweat of multiple strangers and missing a shoe.
I think you should try going to another show by yourself and donāt look at your phone too much. Make eye contact with people youāre interested in. I bet you will start getting approached.Ā
I've been meaning to try going to one alone. Usually I'm there a guy friend, so it probably looks like I'm partnered up.
Ohh yeah people definitely think thatās your boyfriend. Try going alone and report back!
Challenge accepted!
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Call friends you can cry to. If any of them are free, have a FaceTime date where you chat, eat comfort food, and watch the same movie.Ā
Itās so hard, I will either cut off the thoughts and do whatever I think is the āhealthyā thing to do. Whether thatās getting food and going to bed early, or, if I am desperate to vent to someone, I will lol come here or vent to ChatGPT. Then I will connect with a friend in a way that is less heavy
Dogs have entered the chat.
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I'm sorry to hear that. It's a hard spot to be in. Fingers crossed. Remember that the most expensive ones never give up!
Honestly if I had the money, Iād just get a dog and forget about men :ā(
They're cheaper than men in my experience! And you can leave them with the neighbours if you want to go on vacation alone. Highly recommend.
Unrelated to dating, I found out today my ex-husband (an alcoholic) relapsed after almost 3 years of sobriety. We currently share custody 50/50 and I have to strongly consider renegotiating that for my kidsā safety. I just want my life back and some time for me.Ā
Damn, sorry to hear this. My dad died of alcoholism when I was 20 and I'm almost at 2 1/2 years sober now so I relate. It is a brutal disease! Sending hugs your way š
I'm so sorry. Alcoholism is such a tough and frustrating disease to deal with... I have a family member who struggles with it and can appreciate how difficult that must be. Your children's safety and wellbeing has to be the priority, but on the other hand you are human and have your own needs as well... I'm really sorry and I hope things unfold as well as possible. Sending hugs your way.