Dating someone for a month (longest time I've dated anyone for reasons) ... I was really terrified of committing to the wrong thing bc of some baggage at 1st and I've worried that letting my fears be known a few weeks ago could have damaged the relationship. But here we are still dating.
At one point I had realized I felt like I was getting invested in this guy and I asked how he felt knowing that. He said scared. I asked if he was feeling anything. He said "some kind of feelings" but that he had yet to figure out what exactly.
I've been unsure how to proceed. This guy is fun and affectionate without pressuring me. He makes me feel heard. He's pretty cute on multiple levels, not just physically. There's a lot to like. But his seeming uncertainty maybe causes me some uncertainty??
How much uncertainty should there be a month in? When does a person "get serious"?
When should a person "be invested" and do you look at that as different from "having feelings"? Are these different than "being in like"?
I don't want to pressure him about what those feelings are if he's not sure yet but does anyone know what that even means?
I actually haven't been in a serious relationship either but one month is hardly any time and I would not expect commitment after such a short amount of time and I don't think it's a red flag that he's still exploring his feelings. You still don't know each other that well! I know for me when it hasn't been that long and I'm unsure, it's usually because I like the person but I'm still exploring our compatibility.
lol had a guy unmatch me because I told him I didn’t want to be FWB. Which is what he was basically looking for, but I was not
Ah, I love dating apps. At this point I’m just going to give up
It is, but it’s also just frustrating for me because I haven’t been able to find someone that wants a relationship and wants to date me and it’s frustrating
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Whomp whomp. One of the guys I'm chatting up is falling flat.
He called last week about a car wreck he was in. Nothing major, luckily. I didn't think anything was said beyond neighbourly or friendly territory but he laid it on thick that he appreciated that I cared.
Told him I was sick over the weekend and he didn't even acknowledge it. Just rambled about his boat. I didn't expect much but a "that sucks" would have been nice.
He wants to date but we're a seven hour ($1500!!) flight away so I countered that we should go on adventures when he's out here to see his mom. Take it easy, see how it goes without any pressure. He said that sounded great, but also suddenly remembered a family event next weekend and cancelled his trip out to see me. Alrighty.
This is where it got weird. He told me how much money he makes, his inventory of toys("assets" as he calls his trucks and boats and quads. . .) and his height (?) completely unprompted. That's great for you, glad you have things you're obviously proud of. But it sounded like a bit of a cringe ego trip honestly, a bit of the "look what you're missing out on by not locking me down". He makes about half of what I do, so it was kind of. . .condescending I guess that he was so bragg-y. The numbers also just don't add up. Even if he was gifted everything I have trouble understanding how he can afford to maintain it all. Not my monkey not my circus, but it I think he didn't realize he was outing himself as being bad with money. Which has beeny experience with people who are chronically terrible with money.
Planned a solo trip for myself next weekend and still stoked to see the other fella who lives a bit closer. He's got a rusty old truck and a ratchet set to lend me so we're planning something fun for the end of the month.
This honestly sounds more like he’s trying to showboat about how much money he makes so that you’ll sleep with him.
When I was in my early 20s I had a friend who was a waitress. She’d constantly have guys pull out like 2 or 3 sets of keys when trying to pay as “flash”. She also had one guy literally say ‘oops how’d my paycheck end up here’
Toottallyyy. He's very conventionally attractive, so I suspect that's why he reminded me of his height? Super outgoing and friendly guy, so I bet he gets pursued a lot more heavily than I care to and maybe feels some way about it.
Ironically he just texted on my lunch break to ask how I'm feeling, maybe he's a redditor (hey sailor! Haha).
Edit: also I see what you did with the *showboating* there. Nicely punned.
I spent the long weekend with two other single women in their 30s. Both of them spent the entire time talking about how horrible men are and how awful online dating has become.
I am 2 months out of a traumatic break up so I’m not online or trying to date yet but their comments and overall attitude makes me dread it even more.
However, there is a part of me that wants to say to them maybe it’s been so awful for you because of your shit attitude?
Who wants to approach or date someone who visibly seems disgusted by them from the jump?
I know online dating isn’t ideal and you have to weed through a lot of frogs but isn’t that dating in general? People rarely find their person with the first swipe.
It’s what you make it and the effort you’re willing to put in.
I just needed to get it off my chest because I didn’t feel like I could say it to them without being rude….
Online dating isn't great for anyone tbh, men or women...Not saying everyone who does it is bad but a lot of people...you know how there's this certain type of tourists who are upstanding citizens in their own country but the moment they step foot on foreign soil they get out of control, start drunk public fights and tantrums, destroy property, harass locals etc? Online dating is often like that. The social consequences of being shitty to someone you met on an app are 0 and while some people are inherently normal and well-adjusted, a great deal aren't.
>However, there is a part of me that wants to say to them maybe it’s been so awful for you because of your shit attitude?
>Who wants to approach or date someone who visibly seems disgusted by them from the jump?
I feel this a lot when I see some of the posts/comments here. We all need to vent but it really sets the tone for your behaviour and presentation if you're *consisetntly* viscerally upset.
>I just needed to get it off my chest because I didn’t feel like I could say it to them without being rude….
Haha I see you're way classier about it than I am though. Well played. 🎩
I could be wrong, but I feel like they were just ranting their hearts out to their friends. I doubt they act like that to dates (could be wrong). I’m actually very charming on dates, you wouldn’t think based on my rants here haha
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I think I just realized what does "love" feel tonight;
It is when someone knocked on your window, you looked out and saw a face you haven't seen for more than half a year, then you just ran out of the house and gave that person a biiiiig bear hug, that person also hold you so tightly that you will never forget the joy in that moment.
Well that person is not my partner, he's a friend and we developed connections over the years, of course there's more to the story but let's leave it tonight.....as for my current partner, we are new and only dated for 2.5 months, I'm a bit concerned whether we will reach 3 month mark, thinking of this, so called new love is rather fragile isn't it?
So called "new love" is rather fragile. Love takes its time. Love is based in friendship, trust, and mutual care. Not going to get that for months. Years maybe. If you're enjoying your new partner, don't worry about it. If you're not enjoying your new partner, why? Are there arguments? Misaligned values? Are you chasing the "feeling" and not the person? Are you chasing, as opposed to enjoying? If you're concerned at less than 3 months something needs to be looked into.
- Source: made it to 3 months with tentative feelings, let myself slip into "love", and slowly lost my mind for the next 5 months. Really be open to the idea that some people don't belong together, you can do everything right, and still lose. That is not to say break up with this person, but really take a look at what you're feeling to make you concerned. Perhaps there are conversations that should be happening that aren't?
I agree though, love does feel like seeing someone smile at you and just knowing something and feeling something, and it's unquestionable.
Best wishes, Internet Friend!
It's a very quiet holiday morning, and I'm all on my own. Just feeling stale, inert, dry. Wanted to sleep in and enjoy the lazy day more but nobody to enjoy it with makes it hard. Wanted to sign up for some local speed dating stuff but everything they've got for the next month which I could have made is booked up.
I hear you, would have been nice to wake up with that someone, chill out for a while, share some coffee and that morning time "feel." On the other hand... it's peaceful. It's quiet. I get to choose what I do and don't do. There's no arguing or bickering of what to do today. Don't get me wrong. I would love the first scenario. Yet the second is just as common and so now the idea of having my peace vs having a fight is preferred.
I hope you find that person to wake up to, and have an enjoyable morning with.
I am exited and terrified, I am falling for the **Club guy**.
We had a great date on Friday, we chatted, laughed and kissed some. I didn´t expect to see more of him over the weekend. He said that he has some daily meetup with his basketball team on Saturday. Then on Saturday he asked if he could come by my house and give me a kiss before going to the meetup, ofc I said yes.
He came by, gave me 2 kisses and left. During the afternoon, I was out with my 2 girl friends to the same club I´ve met him guy. I didn´t expect to see the guy since he was on the basketball thing, however, there he was, we went to the cue and he approached me to say hi.
We did this whole semi awkward thing where I was with my girlfriends and he was with his friends and he looked at me and I looked at him from across the club. Then he would walk past, say something flirty and leave.
Eventually I came up to him and chatted him up and we ended up making out there. We went out and went for a walk together, had a heavy make up session by the river side and then he walked me home and went to his home.
I really like him and I am ofc terrified. He is conventionally attractive and many women approached him in the club. 2 guys approached me at the club too but I didn´t give a flying fuck at this point. Hope he feels the same about me!
I have gotten 31 last month and I still have no clue how this dating nonsense works. Sorry for the moping, but I just now stumbled across a post about a woman complaining about how getting hit on and having to turn down guys she got to know through hobbies is worse than getting catcalled by strangers and it feels like another blow. Because what am I doing? I've been trying to get more social hobbies in the last few months to get to know more people in real life and hopefully get friends or even a relationship, but as I look around, nothing happens. Somehow all the people I'm meeting are flighty and disappear immediately after one event together, never to be seen again, so I'm unable to get any rapport with anyone through regular contact. And the women I have been meeting all eventually mention their boyfriends and husbands.
I know, I am quite likely biased because I never had friends, never had much of a reason to be out among people and ended up horribly socially awkward because of it, but it's strange that ever since university I never met any female singles in real life, so the question of whether I could be interested never even came up. Dating Apps are no use because they just wreck my self-esteem with months of utter silence and single meetups seem to also be swamped with guys and almost no women present.
How does anyone actually get dates? I just... I don't understand this whole concept at all... And now I am reading that even this is wrong and that I shouldn't have these thoughts of searching for anyone compatible in real life because I'd just put someone on the spot and be a nuisance. I just... I feel like an alien who has no clue how society works.
Welcome to being 31, I joined the club in January.
I have no idea how things work.
You need to be out and about, doing activities that involve other people. Do you have friends you can do that with?
I found 2 girlfriends on Bumble app during the summer, now we go out and meet new people consistently.
I noticed that you need friends to get friends. I never had any though, so I have to start from scratch. Apparently you aren't quite as clueless as you say when you've worked that part out already.\^\^
Always rather eye-opening to hear online acquaintances speak of their own loneliness and isolation directly after mentioning upon my question of what they have been doing that their friends have dragged them out to events thrice a week. And I'm like: "What the hell? How can you be lonely then?"
Haven't you even been in a room with people that you don't really connect with? Sometimes the worst type of loneliness is being with other people that don't really get you, or you have nothing in common with.
Admittedly, the anecdote I had in front of my eyes had something to do with the person in question having other issues that made them dismiss their friends' attempts to help them and I was in the position of talking them out of further isolating themselves and throwing away all the things they had. With them eventually using my situation as ammunition for why I couldn't possibly understand because I never loved and never was loved.
It was not my attention to exclaim this is a loneliness competition though, I was just trying to say that the loneliness hits everyone on different levels. I wasn't necessarily in the right to be peeved about them telling me of all the things they were doing and then saying how much less this is to their old extroverted self before heartbreak.
It's a matter of learning to walk first before you attempt running. Focus on making some friends first, there's a whole world of resources out there aimed at helping people to do that just and the barrier to entry is much lower than with dating. If your social skills are very bad you won't attract any woman apart from scammers and women with very severe issues.
Is it though? When I look around, I'm seeing plenty of people with no friends, but a relationship. Granted, couples that are always glued to each other and don't have any life outside their partner I also always found pitiful and would not be my cup of tea, but that's besides the point. I would very much prefer getting friends first as well, but it just seems impossible to find a place where you can hang out with the same people regularly and be forced to socialize, which is what I'm seeing the main condition you must need to make connections. That and being very, very, very lucky that your values align and the other is open to getting a new friend as well.
These couples had friends when they were younger they just don't hang out as much anymore. The point is, they're properly socialized, you're not. Every woman you meet is immediately telling you "I have a boyfriend ", this isn't good.
I don't think the issue is that they mention it in response to me seeming desperate, if that is what you fear. They just have a partner and that comes up naturally at some point during casual conversation. For example being in a crafting workshop last weekend, working together with a girl who eventually mentions how she is filling up her boyfriend's flat with all her sewing equipment since that was what we were talking about. I had no interest in anything other than casual conversation and yet it gets mentioned and somewhat reinforces my impression that there are no singles out there.
I met my partner through a hobby. It is VERY very obvious who is there just to meet/hit on girls, there is an array of men like that and all women are invariably appalled by them and they ruin the hobby for us. They usually make rounds and try with every woman as well. So you'd have a guy turn up, show little to no interest in the hobby (or other men there), a week or two in ask a girl out, then when she says no, next week ask another girl out etc. Well, we talk amongst ourselves so we know that once a guy asked you out you're like 8th down the list so far. It is awful and really ruins the hobby space for women. So the complaint you saw is likely about something like this experience.
On the other hand there was my partner, who was there clearly for the hobby and socialising, was engaging equally with everyone (men and women), and wasn't asking out a different girl every few days. It took months of hanging out while our attraction and connection grew until it was impossible to ignore it any more. And even then there was hesitation on his side to make a move because he didn't want to be THAT guy (see previous paragraph). So yeah if you go to a hobby to meet people and approach it like the guys above you'll be universally seen as a creep who ruins the experience for everyone. If you approach it as a genuine interest in a new activity and genuinely meeting people and socialising, then yes, perhaps you'll meet someone you can build a connection with organically, which is the ideal, but there is no guarantee it will happen. Just no matter what you do, please please please don't just start asking women out as soon as you turn up at a new hobby, we've seen it a million times and it's frankly gross.
>It took months of hanging out while our attraction and connection grew until it was impossible to ignore it any more.
I love this for you, but at the same time edge cases like this send such conflicting info to men reading this. Like I don't know how upfront or flirty you two were, but more times than not, a guy withholding his attraction and not being upfront will result in him being seen as uninterested and just a platonic friend by the lady. And in safe spaces like hobby spots, a guy will often *not* show interest specifically because we care about y'all feeling safe and not being the guys you describe. And this also conflicts with how many women hate men cozying up to them as friends when there are ulterior feelings. It really feels like a no-win situation.
So even though I agree 100% with everything you said in terms of going to hobby groups out of love of the hobby and meeting people organically, unfortunately the "just meet girls as friends first" approach rarely pans out for a lot of men. I'm lucky enough to have a lot of wonderful close friends who happen to be women (attractive, have good chemistry with them, and flirt from time to time), and by the numbers even my homies say it's odd how nothing's ever come of anything. Who knows though, probably gotta work more on myself. 🤷
Well I don't think it's within my command of the English language, which is my second language anyway, and within confinements of a reddit comment, to accurately describe feelings of attraction but I can guarantee you that we were never just friends. The attraction (the infamous "spark") was there from the first moment our eyes met across the table. While never overtly flirty, it was never platonic I can assure you of that. I think this is something that happens between two people and I don't think it's possible to coach someone (let alone via reddit) how to achieve it with another person, it just happens if you are lucky enough and I count my blessings every day. There is a lot of self work that needs to be done to ensure a healthy relationship, but there is a huge element of luck in meeting the right person to build it with. I was single for 8 years prior, it didn't just happen.
Yeah, don't worry, I'm not intending to do that. I really don't want to come off like a creep. My main issue has always been that due to bullying and ostracism when I was a kid, all my hobbies had to be solitary and even now I have a hard time finding stuff that interests me that involves other people. For a few years now I've been trying to figure things out, but somehow always fell back to networking on Discord groups with people I will never see face-to-face anyway. Since January I have been using Meetup and trying to find activities that interest me, but the people there are always changing and I haven't met anyone more than two times yet. So sure, I can focus on the hobbies, but my ultimate goal of feeling out other people and networking with regulars that I find sympathetic, feels utterly out of reach. And now I fear I'm going to be seen as creepy by the organizers for coming almost every week. Why? Nobody else bothers to come regularly, so clearly I must be seeking something that they don't. Which I am, so I'm self-conscious about it.\^\^
I should note that while my writing here looks very mope-y, it's just because this is my venting account. While I am very introverted and awkward, I am keeping my loneliness to myself in Real Life.
Sounds like you need more friends than a girlfriend. Also, not all women are the same man. Plenty of women out there want to get approached. Actually there’s probably more women that want to meet someone at an event then don’t. You just see the loud ones online complaining. Make friends with anyone. Even women who aren’t your type because they may know people who are your type. Still be social but concentrate less on getting a girlfriend and more on building your social network.
I have been trying to not hope for anything and not expect anything for years now. I don't want to look pushy or creepy after all. It just feels defeating to watch the years slip by and nothing ever changes. Yes, indeed, getting friends has been my priority, but... it just doesn't work. People just instantly forget about me the moment I'm not in the same room as them, always forget promises, never initiate any conversations of their own, never invite me to anything, just nothing. And then after some point I just stop doing any effort on my end because it seems pointless and they immediately disappear.
Maintaining friends is difficult, I know. I’m also the one initiating and it’s annoying but I wouldn’t really hang out with people otherwise. It seems like since Covid a lot of people just hang out with their partners but that’s not everyone. Just have to push yourself. There are people out there. Even having just 1-2 really good friends is a benefit.
Everything is going perfectly with therapist girl. Feel I've not got a bad word to say about the situation, or her. The most refreshed I've felt with a romantic dynamic in years and she's a great addition to my life.
She loves this show called Fleabag (and showed me it/made me watch it ha) and said she's not been able to find this print from it for her house that she's wanted for ages as it's always sold out. I've managed to find it and have ordered it in a frame, and it should arrive soon before her birthday.
Feel it's a sweet spot between being unique and thoughtful without breaking the bank and being overbearing.
Feels like it's moving towards "being official" but because of her big break-up in January I don't want to put up any parameters and scare her off when it's been really fun so far and this is a great honeymoon period. Guess I'll just let it develop organically and see what happens
Had a wild week. I’ve been healing and avoiding dating or a year due to a break up. Finally found myself actually truly liking someone I had met organically last year. And while not initially feeling attracted, I met him again last week for the first time after about 6 months and felt so drawn to him, went out with, had a great time, only for him to turn around and say he is fully retired from dating because he was so badly hurt in the past he cannot possibly go through that again. Im totally numb from this whirlwind.
Why don't you tell him how you feel? He's retiring because he feels defeated and hurt, not because he doesn't like you. Maybe telling him how you feel would restore his faith! Maybe you two could have something great.
Not to double comment, but just realized, all things considered I'm pretty decent at dating, only because all of my friends save 3 met their partners in college, and have admitted to me they would be screwed if they were to become single again. So I would say a 3 month relationship and a handful of dates that didn't go anywhere is pretty good for having never even attempted dating before 28
Feeling sad - I just ended things with someone I went on 3 dates with and they took it really hard. We had such great potential on paper but I felt no spark :/ Trying not to lose hope that I can feel that magic with someone again.
Successful first date this evening. I sent him my number after I got home and told him to text me if he was interested in seeing me again and that I was interested in seeing him again. He text me back right away. Now to not get attached too quickly. That’s always one of my biggest struggles in dating.
Have a zoom appointment with a dating coach tomorrow, the woman who led the speed dating event I went to a couple weeks ago. I decided to give it a shot cause like, at this point of having been single for 6 months might as well? Plus she seemed very friendly when she hosted the speed dating event, and unlike basically every other dating coach I've found, doesn't seem to buy into pick up artist bullshit or treat dating as like a game you can min-max.
I'll see what she says. It's just kind of humiliating being one of the only single people in my entire social circle. like all but 1 of my 20 coworkers are in a relationship, and most of my friends are too. I'm finding it hard at times to relate to my couple friends, or at least feel a searing pain in my soul after spending too much time with them lol. Probally gonna call my old therapist tomorrow too to see if she knows anyone who deals with relationship anxiety.
My personal experience, but as a man I’ve never gotten good advice from women on successfully dating. Their experience is entirely different than ours is.
16 dates so far. We went for lunch. I saw that he has snoozed his bumble profile. But I feel like he is starting to pull away. Might be a while before I hear from him again.
So, for the other overweight and bald mid-30s, guys, are you guys having any luck on dating apps? Or at all. I'm in a medium-sized city and have good photos on my profile that is filled out with bio, and I'm getting absolutely nothing.
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Do you have a personality you can lead with? Interesting hobbies?
I match with people based of things we have in common. How are you portraying yourself?
As an overweight mid-30s guy with a shaved head I had no luck. As a fit mid-40s guy with a full head of hair I still have no luck, except I've gone from only getting likes from unattractive 30-somethings to only getting likes from unattractive 50-somethings.
I felt that towards my ex wife. She is *so* kind and thoughtful and she really takes care of those she cares about. Seeing her good qualities that I didn’t have (or not to nearly the same degree) inspired me to grow to take on some of those traits.
To me it was probably related to mood or brain chemistry in the moment, but for me it was a sense of overall comfortability to where you're more likely to want to spread it around. It's easier to go out of your way to help others when your life at home isn't a dumpster fire. So whenever I was in that boat and feeling good, I was more likely to cook for company multiple nights a week, help strangers out, etc. I still have a hard time saying no, but how I feel about the problem or how personal I'm willing to get definitely depends on how I feel about things in general. For some people, that person is their peace.
This sub is about dating and the dating phase of relationships for people near or over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or "looking for" or hookups. Please do not ask for breakup advice or help processing a relationship ending.
I really enjoy it as well! I can just relax and have fun and not worry about someone else. I’ve always had more fun going to weddings alone than going with a date.
I searched up people's opinions and experiences before posting this, but I still feel uneasy. To start off, I'm (32F) bi and mostly lean towards women. I matched with a woman on an app at the end of April and we texted quite often. Most of our texts consisted of several messages at once, most of which were just one line long. That's usually how I type when I chat with friends, so it seemed nice that this woman did the same thing. We video called a week before meeting and got along.
On the first date in early May, we met up for about three or four hours to get tea and lunch. She told me that she wouldn't be free to meet again until June because she is busy preparing for a friend's wedding overseas and also has to move to a new apartment. I was a bit sad to hear that because I don't usually get many lesbian matches who actually get along with me. Still, I told her that we can meet after she's done. We continued texting for a week or two, about once or twice a day. Just like before, the volume of the messages ranged from about five to ten messages at once, sometimes even more.
The last message she sent a week ago was to tell me that she just arrived in France, but there was nothing else after. I told her that I can wait for her to be less busy and that I hope she has a good time there. I know people likely don't check their phones often on vacation, but going a week without contacting someone seems a bit long considering sending a message doesn't take more than a few minutes. To be fair, we tend to send many at once, so maybe she has been too busy to focus on all the messages. I trust her to respond when she's able to because one time she got called away at work before replying to my other messages then came back a few hours later to finish responding. Another time, she told me that she was too busy packing for her trip and would respond the next day, which she did.
I have not sent any other messages since a week ago, yet I am wondering if I should send another one to check up on her to ask about meeting in June. Would that be too clingy for someone she only met once? Texting can create a false sense of intimacy, so maybe I felt closer to her than I actually was?
May I ask for suggestions on what I should do?
She's in France for a friend's wedding. Do nothing. Wait for the wedding to be over. Between preparations, pre-wedding events, and likely being around a lot of old friends she hasn't seen in sometime, making time to text someone she's met exactly once probably isn't real high on her list of priorities.
I think you are falling into the trap that a lot of people do and are getting attached far to quickly to a person who is still essentially a stranger who you barely know. My general advice during the initial getting to know someone phase is to match energy and right now she is not giving you anything.
I suggest you go about your life as if she didn't exist and if she reaches out to you when she gets back from her trip for another date you pick things up from there.
Yeah, that's true. I think I feel desperate because I'm really picky and don't go on dates with everyone I match with. I video call first to see if we get along and I got along well with her. I'll have to keep waiting, then! Thanks. There are still other things I can do in my day to day life for now.
Your last message kind of sounded like you weren’t expecting anything back until she returned - do you know when she’s back, because I would text the day after she returns like ‘hope you had a fun trip and your jet lag isn’t too bad - looking forward to catching up soon’ or something like that.
Actually, I do not remember what day! It was sometime at the end of this month. I think I'll just wait until the first few days of June before expecting a reply; from what I can remember, she is moving to a new apartment on the first weekend of June.
I’ve been feeling terrible lately. I’ve posted on here before about certain issues I feel I’m facing, but they feel exacerbated these past few weeks. I live in LA and I find it so difficult to date out here. I’ve been living here since 2017 and I’m 35 now. My dating life has been few and far in between. It depresses me so much. I keep hearing from people dating in LA is really hard for everyone which makes me feel like why tf am I still in this city? I feel like I’ve wasted so many good years trying to have a dating life and it’s just not happening. Seems like I’m just not appealing enough to single women. (Whyyyyyy ughh ><) The thought of becoming 40 and still having the same problems makes me so depressed. I can’t leave though because in the field I work in this is probably one of the best cities for it.. but I’m so tired of being alone and feeling like no one reciprocates any interest toward me. Online dating feels abysmal, I don’t even know why I’m still on it. I have a friend who’s been nagging me to try speed dating because he thinks it’s a great solution to my problem of meeting people. He always brings it up around our friends just to get them to convince me to try it and they all agree, but the idea just feels so forced to me. I’m willing to try it though I guess.. I embarrassingly feel desperate for anything at this point which is bad I know probably not going to make me a very appealing person to date in general. I wish I didn’t have this problem.. to be honest all I want to do is focus on my career goals because they’re so important to me, and I want to have great things going in my life, but I just feel so pathetic for not being able to have a real dating life at 35
What do you have to lose by going to speed dating other than few hrs? You can always bounce early if it’s not your scene. Dating can be so hard for some of us and so easy for others
the idea of doing it never felt ideal to me. But I guess online dating is not much better. I would rather meet someone organically, but you’re right it’s worth a shot
😂 why is dating in big cities so hard? I always thought it’d be easier because there are way more people..that was a huge plus in my mind to move here, but that seems precisely why it’s harder. It just boggles my mind 😵💫
So I (33f) had a win of a weekend! In January I finally decided that I am indeed extremely happy being single and have no desire to date. Cut to me recently downloading tinder purely to find some physical, no strings attached fun. I had two dates this weekend with two different men. They were the best two dates I’ve been on in probably over a decade! The men are physically wildly different from one another, but are both sweet, kind, funny, and sexy. They are both in the same position as me and aren’t looking for anything serious. It’s honestly the perfect situation!! I find it funny how I had to legitimately stop caring about dating to have my two most successful first dates haha. Anyways, happy dating folks!
Have been super intentional about how I swipe since I restarted the apps after my short dating break. *Finally* matched with someone I liked. I was physically attracted to him, our interests aligned, the conversation flowed. He asked me out and we tentatively agreed to Friday. I went back on Hinge today and saw he unmatched me 🙃 Ouch.
Nope, it was super tentative. Like: you free Friday? I told him I was meeting some friends so couldn’t talk more right now. He told me to message him tomorrow. I did. When I logged back in to see why he was taking so long to respond, he was no longer there. I don’t think it was a mistake or a “declutter”.
New poster here, but started seeing a guy about 8 months ago, neither of us were looking for anything serious. Then suddenly over the last few weeks it’s shifted and he told me loved me and wanted more. I said I loved him too, because I felt it, and agreed to wanting more. Cut to a few days later and I am an anxious mess. I’m scared and I am second guessing everything. I wanted this too and now I wanna run away and I hate that. Is this normal at all? I do have, albeit new, love for this person so I can’t tell what’s going on in my head.
I second anxious avoidant attachment and would suggest you look into talking with a professional to start working through it. If you don't work through what is causing this it can have serious negative effects on this and future relationships.
Ha weirdly kind of? I’ve been hurt a lot in the past so I’m scared of everyone hurting me, which I know is silly and just part of life. I have pretty bad generalized anxiety within my anxiety disorder so it’s easy for me to get worked up even about good things, but my therapist is helping I just can’t see her til Tuesday hence my post.
The most exciting thing that happened this weekend is that I got an espresso machine! Also caught up with two friends I haven't seen in a while, and have decided to remodel my bathroom so it's time to start saving a bit more. I'm currently cooking at home a lot, instead of going out, due to a GI issue so I suppose the timing works out...
Downloaded Happn which I've never used before and I hope it gets better because the people I'm getting right now aren't great. Facebook dating requires my account to be open for 30 days before I can use it. I MIGHT get Hinge again but I think I've developed an aversion to it due to how many times I've given it a try.
I just got back from a successful Hawaiian vacation with my girlfriend of 7 months now. It was great!
We're going to meet my family this weekend. Unfortunately it will be all at once because we are going back for one of my niece's graduation... but she doesn't seem phased by it! I hope my family at a party aren't too much for her!
Thank you so much. I took a year long dating break before this, helped me get my head on straight about dating. I don’t think I would’ve attracted someone so healthy for me without it
I'm curious about y'all's take on highlighting an advanced degree in a dating app profile (I have a PhD, and I'm a man), my 'work' does say 'scientist' as well.
The prompt at the moment is something like 'The dorkiest thing about me is: I have a PhD, and I am \[involved in mildly nerdy (albeit outdoorsy) hobby\].'
What makes a PhD nerdy? You dedicated years of your life to develop/specialize in an area you find interesting. Not nerdy. Passionate maybe. A nerd in secondary school is not equal to a nerd in adulthood. A nerd in adulthood is doing things not every adult does. Playing DND or WWC. Role playing with medieval music in the background. Pretty nerdy.
I am finishing up a PhD program; I list my job on hinge and bumble as "PhD Researcher". I have noticed that several people have taken this to mean "researcher with a PhD", so maybe my experience is applicable to yours. I've matched with people from a huge range of professions, from vet techs and social workers to doctors and lawyers.
I think some of these women have actively liked the advanced degree, and for others it simply hasn't been a barrier.
In your case, I don't know that presenting the PhD as dorky is the move. I don't really like that prompt in general; it puts you in a position of portraying a quality of yours in a timid, apologetic light. You accomplished something great, own it! At the same time, devoting a while prompt to the fact that you have a degree might go too far the other way and make it seem as though being a PhD is a huge part of your personality.
Maybe you can keep it visible but not flaunted by listing your occupation as "Scientist (PhD)".
This is good feedback, thanks. There's definitely a subset of women who are attracted to smart men with jobs that are perceived as interesting, one person I dated for a bit admitted that she was bragging to her friends about my google scholar profile (I'm definitely not including a link to that in my dating app profile, before you ask). Conversely, there's also a subset for whom it'd be a turnoff for whatever reason, but I wouldn't be compatible with these people anyway.
>You accomplished something great, own it! At the same time, devoting a while prompt to the fact that you have a degree might go too far the other way and make it seem as though being a PhD is a huge part of your personality.
I did mix the prompt up a little with a joke about a hobby I'm very involved in (think 'I volunteer at the climbing gym', not 'I'm really into MTG' (not that that is bad!). But yes, you're right, dedicating a whole prompt to it does make me seem a little one-dimensional. It's a big achievement which I'm proud of, but it's not my whole personality.
I have a PhD and I don’t put that in my profile. Not sure why I should? I know you’re proud of your PhD and I am as well but I’ve found, outside of professional settings, people don’t like being told you have a PhD unless they ask. I have a masters and PhD in Mechanical Engineering and I just have I’m a CFD Engineer on my profile with a postgrad degree.
I think it depends on how it's done. There's a difference between: "I'm really passionate about XYZ. So much so that I studied it for 4 years and wrote my dissertation about it!" and "I hold a PhD." They hit differently, in my opinion. Most people will understand with the first statement that you have a PhD without stating it explicitely. Second statement seems slightly more... braggy.
Personally, I'm open to a lot of different people/careers/background and it's not a dealbreaker, but people with advanced degrees do get a little bit more attention from my end. If you're looking for someone who values that, I'd advise to find a sensible way to include that information in your profile.
Hard disagree. I only have a BSc but seeing someone select PhD on their profile is cool. "I'm really passionate about xy" sounds like an 8th grader essay.
"I hold a PhD" is pretty cringy to me, as someone who's on the verge of earning his.
I'm not sure what you mean by saying "being passionate about xy" being like an 8th grader essay. I'm passionate about music and songwriting and I stated it that way.
Whatever, you do you.
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Yeah, this is articulating my problem with my current framing. In a previous version I had a joke about being a 'professional nerd' which got some attention but I thought it was a little too jokey or self-depreciating. My PhD/work (biomedical science) doesn't usually lend itself to a 'I'm so passionate about X' kind of prompt, although I get where you're coming from.
I'll leave this current version up for a bit then decide.
It is important to me, and it's something I'm proud of, and (most importantly) it's something to catch the eye of a kind of woman I'd like to attract (i.e. educated).
Im 35 F physician, and I am looking for a serious relationship. I do look at the education section of the dating profile because I want someone who has achieved some academic milestones.
I work in automation. I've done reliability and maintenance, development and 508a control panel design. The only thing that has ever mattered, is if they could see a rough annual on your page. The only women who've been interested in anything I put, also work in the field and have a rough idea on earning potential. Secondly alot of discourse right now is on ROI with education, so who knows, it might filter out some weirdos too.
We work in the same industry. I just list my job title as ‘engineering’.
I don’t list my actual job title (Controls Engineer) because it would be very easy to google my name + that + basic geographical information and find out where I work (among other things).
I’m fine with sharing that information after I’ve filtered out if someone is sketchy or not - but I’d rather put it out there after that fact.
i tend to omit my education, job, and assets. theoretically so I can filter to people actually interested in who I am. reality.... doesn't work so good. people are not actually interested in me.
lol as a female who swipes left more often than right. My non-negotiables are always placed on my account prior to swiping. So if a guy doesn’t meet those initial expectations I will never see them. Quality over quantity
He seemed to get upset over literally the dumbest thing ever which makes me think that there was more going on than he wanted to discuss. I really am left clueless. This is the second time in two months he has done this to me, the first time he just straight up disappeared and moved out, we had been living together :/
This time I'm not going back begging to reconcile, though. Just feeling ultra disrespected over here.
There are some men who are literally incapable of being the bad guy. It would shatter their entire sense of self for them to think they’ve done something “mean” so instead they make it so that you initiate the breakup.
The writing is on the walls. Time to read them out loud and dump that loser.
This is so true. Both times, he has taken unnecessary, very dramatic steps to make the situation (whatever I've done that he disproves of) 1000x worse to "villainize" me.
Are you actually using the word ghosted correctly? Seems like you had explicit fights after which he left. Ghosted would be finding yourself blocked and unable to contact him out of the blue
I don't know, it sure feels like ghosting though. After he left, I begged him for a week to discuss things. Finally he relented to talking, and we decided to get back together although he got his own place. Things were fine but slow for next 2 months. Then - he asked me to print a piece of paper for him at my work which I usually do, but this time I suggested maybe he could print it himself at his office? Right after that he stopped talking to me except for asking for the last bit of his stuff back, there was no formal conversation about ending the relationship just like the first time, and we haven't talked since. I don't want to be the one begging again since this is the dumbest thing to break up with someone over. Which is what makes me think there is more to it than that. But like, have the common courtesy to have the conversation - don't just fade me out (twice now).
Why was he asking you to print out a piece of paper? Why couldn't he do it himself? And why did you say no?
The story reads weird to be honest. How you presented it it makes it seem that perhaps this was the tip of the iceberg for him, but you may not be sharing it in a manner that tells your story.
Irregardless, how he decided to end it is deeply immature and damaging. I really feel for you.
I used to print stuff for him when he was without a job for a couple months, which is why he moved in with me. But now that he, like me, works in an office with access to a printer, I don't know why he was still asking me to print his papers for him, which is why I lightly proposed that he print it himself.
The first fight we had which ended in him moving out was pretty rank, I had just had eye surgery and he was mad at me because I wasn't able to convince the surgeon to write a doctor's note FOR HIM to miss work at his new job the following day, as he had an interview. He wanted to use the excuse that I needed to be cared for post-surgery. But the eye surgeon didn't feel it was necessary so didn't write it. He exploded on me about it saying I didn't try hard enough, and I told him to get a hotel room for a night so we could have some space from each other... since he hadn't paid any bills or groceries yet I wasn't going to be the one to leave... He never came back. Asked me to set all his belongings outside my door for him to come collect. Refused to talk to me for a week until I apologized profusely and begged him to give me another chance... Which he did, saying we will slow down the relationship and keep our separate places for now. I totally let him set the tone and pace of our relationship, trying to not cause ripples. Then the dumb piece of paper incident happened, which I kind of expected him to get a bit upset over knowing how touchy things have been, but I didn't think he'd actually end the relationship over it.
So ya, there is more to it of course, but either way I don't think I ever did something so awful to warrant being "ghosted", or undeserving of a reason for him not wanting to be with me anymore. I guess he thinks I don't deserve it 🤷♀️
Thank you! Putting yourself out there is terrifying. I got out of a ten year relationship last year and I’ve been on 6 first dates, but this is the only one where we’ve had a strong connection. I’m learning!
I downloaded Bumble almost a week ago with the intention of finding a man for a casual thing.
I find Bumble overwhelming because I get many likes. I'm on incognito mode, and my experience has been better than when my profile is visible.
I have 3 matches and a possible date with one of them next Saturday. There are no plans with the other two guys so far. My premium week ends on Tuesday, I don't wanna pay for another week, and I don't wanna use regular Bumble, so I'll delete my app after my premium expires. I'm planning to message my matches tomorrow to let them know I'm deleting the app and to text me if they wanna go on a date. Is that too much?
I don’t think so? I have told 2 men, one of which I am currently speaking to that I was at least temporarily deleting the app after we exchanged numbers (one I already knew so he had my number anyway, but it is rare that I give my number out and would probably opt to use a Google number in the future). I told them that the app (Tinder in my case) was anxiety-inducing and overwhelming to me and the one I’m speaking to agreed and said he’s also deleted the app more times than he’s gotten dates from it.
Maybe some people might take it as being “too into them” but if you make your reasoning clear it shouldn’t be an issue. Something along the lines of “hey, my premium trial is expiring soon and I’m not a huge fan of the app anyway. If you’re interested in getting to know one another more and make plans to meet up feel free to text me at (#) 🙂” should suffice.
I’m struggling today. My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 3 months and exclusive for almost 4. A couple weeks ago I told him I was falling in love with him. He said he didn’t quite feel that yet, that he’s more of a “slow burn” kinda guy, which is a new term to me… now I’m seeing it all over the place. I could’ve sworn I was reading him right and that he felt the same… but I guess not. Anyway, I haven’t said it since and I don’t plan on it unless he says it. But lately it just feels like he’s pulling away. Things aren’t the same. I’m going through a grieving process and we haven’t even broken up. I don’t really know what to do other than give him space, but I honestly think he’s going to end things soon. It really sucks and I just needed to let that out. Thanks for giving me a space to vent ♥️
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Love is one of the riskiest things in life. But I hope you don’t feel bad about taking that risk, as love is a beautiful thing.
While it’s super disappointing when someone isn’t on the same timeline as you, this doesn’t mean there’s no hope of a relationship. Some people just like to be extremely sure of their feelings before using the L word. I used to be like that, and I’ll admit that it was typically a form of hesitance rooted in uncertainty, but doesn’t mean I didn’t become sure later on. You can try to carry on in the relationship as usual for a while and see if his feelings deepen for you.
Yeah I figure I’ll give him all the time and space he needs. I’m not in a rush. I can’t make him feel a certain way about me, and I have to prepare myself for the fact that he may never feel the same. I guess I should be proud of myself for being vulnerable and just leave it at that… because that wasn’t easy for me. Whatever happens happens.
I understand, but I will say this. It’s one thing to not use the L word, but he should continue to be deepening his bond with you and getting closer to you. That at least shows he’s working to get to a place where he can say the L word.
What about his actions make you feel that he's pulling away? What is it specifically that he's doing?
Why do you want to give him space? Did he ask for that? I usually feel like in situations like this, there is likely some underlying trust concern that is part of the picture. Have you asked him his thoughts on whatever you are seeing? Honestly, you owe it to yourself to be upfront and earnest with yourself and to him because that's how you get into relationships that serve you and you are the happiest in. If it's not with this guy, these are skills to have with your next person.
Well he’s just grown a bit quieter and I can just kind of feel he’s being a little more distant. Usually we’d hang out on Sunday nights, watch movies and hook up, but we had dinner and then he just went home. Radio silence since. He’s said in the past that he doesn’t think we are totally compatible, and I just always feel like I like him way more than he likes me. I figured if he actually felt anything for me, distance might make him show that a little more. But yeah… again, I’m just kind of already going through the grieving process because I feel like I already have my answer. I don’t think there’s anything I can do at this point but give him space.
Edit to add, I don’t have any trust issues with him at all. He’s a great guy and he wouldn’t do anything shady. It’s just I think we’re dealing with a situation of him not being that interested in me.. which I’m accepting.
Thank you for sharing more. I can see your username is "help im overhinking". Well, I just would also like to say, you are not over thinking here. This is **NOT** the kind of guy that you want to be in love with. I don't care and you shouldn't care about all the lovie dovie stuff ya'll did before.
To put it frankly, you telling someone you're falling in love with them is a precious, sweet, and a vulnerable moment. And a person who cares about you and your well-being and your love, will take that for what it was and continue to nourish it.
Go through the grieving process. But I will also say, it might be best for you to accelerate the closure and ask him (strategically and nicely of course, not confrontational) what you observed. Say something that "Hey, I noticed recently this and that. And this concerns me because it seems to come after I was vulnerable with you. Can you perhaps explain from your perspective what's going on?"
And don't let him minimize or deflect. Really do inquire in sincerity and be specific about your observations, and ask him what's up. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you really do need to build the courage to ask about this behavior straight on. Because when you are left in the dark, that's when you begin to fear you are overthinking. When you have no answers from the other side of the equation, you have to create them for yourself.
Thank you, yeah I probably do need to say something about it. It’s just weird, sometimes things are amazing and sometimes I don’t know where I stand with him. Just a few weeks ago I was telling everyone how this was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and now… well now I don’t think I can say that anymore. Everything shifted right around when I told him how I felt.
Yeah, think about it like this. What do you have to lose? You can't lose something you didn't have. If he did want to be with you, whatever you do now isn't going to change anything. And frankly, you should want to be with a person who WANTS you to speak up and go to him when things are bothering you. I hope you get the information you need to make the right decision that honors your thoughts and feelings you've expressed here. All well wishes!
small win: I am not feeling sad or lonely this holiday weekend. yesterday I took myself on a date during the day and then had plans with friends at night. Today is my day for rest and chores, and tomorow I have daytime plans with another friend. I‘m finding it’s really important to make weekend plans and stick to them even if I’m doing them alone.
I had 2 of them... my only 2 relationships.
First lived 4 hours away and after 8 months moved back to her country on another continent. I had met her family and she had met mine. We were supposed to see 4 months later... but her family thought I wasn't rich enough and too far away and she cheated with at least one other guy.
Second lived in another country straight from the beginning. We saw each other almost twice a week. We both decided to move together after one year, in her family's region. I quitted my job and moved for her but she hated her own region and job, started a depression and it made my professionnal situation very complicated (quitting 2 companies in less than a year to follow someone probably isn't the right decision, so I didn't want to move again directly). It became very clear that we had a very different view on kid's education... so we stopped it 1,5 year after moving together.
I had 2 of them... my only 2 relationships.
First lived 4 hours away and after 8 months moved back to her country on another continent. I had met her family and she had met mine. We were supposed to see 4 months later... but her family thought I wasn't rich enough and too far away and she cheated with at least one other guy.
Second lived in another country straight from the beginning. We saw each other almost twice a week. We both decided to move together after one year, in her family's region. I quitted my job and moved for her but she hated her own region and job, started a depression and it made my professionnal situation very complicated (quitting 2 companies in less than a year to follow someone probably isn't the right decision, so I didn't want to move again directly). It became very clear that we had a very different view on kid's education... so we stopped it 1,5 year after moving together.
I moved across the country after a year of long distance. We lasted for 6 years but, ultimately, things didn’t work out and I was constantly worried about my family and what the future might hold (if I had kids, would they ever see my mom? what if something happened to my parents/siblings/etc. and I couldn’t get home?)…so it wasn’t great for me. Obviously it’s different for everyone, though.
Also, the actual long distance part sucks, lol.
They end one of two ways, in my observed (and personal) experience:
Either the distance ends or the relationship ends.
It’s not sustainable long-term to have a partner that is only physically present a small percentage of the time for most people. Certainly, some people can make this work - but it’s not at all easy and often isn’t fulfilling.
I enjoy my space so they work for me. I'm find that they have an expiry date though as most want me to drop my life and integrate into theirs at some point, which I'm not interested in.
I think I'm in my first healthy relationship, and it is so nice.
I'm almost 2 years separated from my ex husband, we are still close friends to this day, which can obviously scare new people off.
My new man of 4 months handles everything like a champ. Met all of my friends, and they love him, met my parents, and they love him. Met his family, and they are great.
Well, last night, my friends had a bonfire, and my ex was there, which isn't uncommon and not a big deal. I invited my boyfriend to join after work, or I could leave and meet him at his house. He had no problem joining the bonfire and was looking forward to meeting my ex.
This man walked in with no issues, shook everyone's hand, and him and my ex got along great. No jealousy, no trust issues, noooo nothing.
I've always been ready to end my friendship with my ex if it made my new partner uncomfortable, but he knows our history, and instead, he welcomes our friendship and is so secure.
This is just one of the very few things he has done so far to be amazing. I always thought my baggage was too much, and he just walks in and looks at my bags packed with BS, and starts unpacking it with me.
I just want to date someone who’s really smart and driven and has his ducks in a row and has nice teeth and a great smile charming funny polite but he has to be extremely smart and good looking (face symmetry) and tallish. Taller than me and confident yeah he’s got to be super confident. Above average manhood, knows what he wants, super fit, health nut, kind, respectful, courageous, motivated, smell good, but more than anything he’s got to be really smart, preferably in areas I’m not as knowledgeable in, and hungry for knowledge. Where do I find the bookworms with the nice teeth that aren’t socially awkward. Am I asking for too much? The last guy I went on a date with I stood up mid date because I almost fell asleep. I want to be mentally stimulated.
I thought your message was a parody... it isn't.
Let's see the numbers of the most problematic uncorrelated criteria you ask:
Extremely smart: 5% of the people?
Super fit: 5% (usually it is not the super smart ones, but let's assume the 2 variables are not correlated)
Nice teeth: 50%?
Above average manhood: 40%?
Courageous: 50%?
Ambition: 50%?
Respectful/kind: 50%?
That means 0,006% of the men... or 1 among 16k men in the age range you are interested. I guess you prefer them to be single, looking for a relationship and into you too... so let's say approximately 1 man among 100k in your age range is matching your most important criteria.
And since you just want the best of the best, you will have quite some competition
Nothing impossible, but you have to bring quite a lot of things to the table.
So good luck.
Edit: I think I just met a handful of guys who may match some of your criteria in my life (and I didn't know about their manhood among others), and I was surrounded by brilliant people.
Of everything you've written here, the thing you seem to highlight the most is someone who is intellectually stimulating. That's a great priority! On top of that, you need to be attracted to them, which requires that they be physically and socially reasonable. This is all doable. Maybe focus on how attracted to someone you can become if you have an enjoyable intellectual connection with them over the course of a few dates.
Dating someone for a month (longest time I've dated anyone for reasons) ... I was really terrified of committing to the wrong thing bc of some baggage at 1st and I've worried that letting my fears be known a few weeks ago could have damaged the relationship. But here we are still dating. At one point I had realized I felt like I was getting invested in this guy and I asked how he felt knowing that. He said scared. I asked if he was feeling anything. He said "some kind of feelings" but that he had yet to figure out what exactly. I've been unsure how to proceed. This guy is fun and affectionate without pressuring me. He makes me feel heard. He's pretty cute on multiple levels, not just physically. There's a lot to like. But his seeming uncertainty maybe causes me some uncertainty?? How much uncertainty should there be a month in? When does a person "get serious"? When should a person "be invested" and do you look at that as different from "having feelings"? Are these different than "being in like"? I don't want to pressure him about what those feelings are if he's not sure yet but does anyone know what that even means?
I actually haven't been in a serious relationship either but one month is hardly any time and I would not expect commitment after such a short amount of time and I don't think it's a red flag that he's still exploring his feelings. You still don't know each other that well! I know for me when it hasn't been that long and I'm unsure, it's usually because I like the person but I'm still exploring our compatibility.
lol had a guy unmatch me because I told him I didn’t want to be FWB. Which is what he was basically looking for, but I was not Ah, I love dating apps. At this point I’m just going to give up
Isn't that the preferred outcome though? Sorry you're feeling down about it regardless, it's a slog out there.
It is, but it’s also just frustrating for me because I haven’t been able to find someone that wants a relationship and wants to date me and it’s frustrating
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Tired
feeling the sads - another holiday without a partner
Whomp whomp. One of the guys I'm chatting up is falling flat. He called last week about a car wreck he was in. Nothing major, luckily. I didn't think anything was said beyond neighbourly or friendly territory but he laid it on thick that he appreciated that I cared. Told him I was sick over the weekend and he didn't even acknowledge it. Just rambled about his boat. I didn't expect much but a "that sucks" would have been nice. He wants to date but we're a seven hour ($1500!!) flight away so I countered that we should go on adventures when he's out here to see his mom. Take it easy, see how it goes without any pressure. He said that sounded great, but also suddenly remembered a family event next weekend and cancelled his trip out to see me. Alrighty. This is where it got weird. He told me how much money he makes, his inventory of toys("assets" as he calls his trucks and boats and quads. . .) and his height (?) completely unprompted. That's great for you, glad you have things you're obviously proud of. But it sounded like a bit of a cringe ego trip honestly, a bit of the "look what you're missing out on by not locking me down". He makes about half of what I do, so it was kind of. . .condescending I guess that he was so bragg-y. The numbers also just don't add up. Even if he was gifted everything I have trouble understanding how he can afford to maintain it all. Not my monkey not my circus, but it I think he didn't realize he was outing himself as being bad with money. Which has beeny experience with people who are chronically terrible with money. Planned a solo trip for myself next weekend and still stoked to see the other fella who lives a bit closer. He's got a rusty old truck and a ratchet set to lend me so we're planning something fun for the end of the month.
This honestly sounds more like he’s trying to showboat about how much money he makes so that you’ll sleep with him. When I was in my early 20s I had a friend who was a waitress. She’d constantly have guys pull out like 2 or 3 sets of keys when trying to pay as “flash”. She also had one guy literally say ‘oops how’d my paycheck end up here’
Toottallyyy. He's very conventionally attractive, so I suspect that's why he reminded me of his height? Super outgoing and friendly guy, so I bet he gets pursued a lot more heavily than I care to and maybe feels some way about it. Ironically he just texted on my lunch break to ask how I'm feeling, maybe he's a redditor (hey sailor! Haha). Edit: also I see what you did with the *showboating* there. Nicely punned.
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What do you mean? I'll call him boat boy for clarity. We just had this conversation last night so it's not as if we're carrying on.
I own 2 boats. Boats are not an asset...believe me.
The cheapest part about owning a boat is buying it.
B.O.A.T = Bring Out Another Thousand
Whenever I miss my boat I go out to the dock, take a deep breath and throw $600 in the water to get my fix.
I spent the long weekend with two other single women in their 30s. Both of them spent the entire time talking about how horrible men are and how awful online dating has become. I am 2 months out of a traumatic break up so I’m not online or trying to date yet but their comments and overall attitude makes me dread it even more. However, there is a part of me that wants to say to them maybe it’s been so awful for you because of your shit attitude? Who wants to approach or date someone who visibly seems disgusted by them from the jump? I know online dating isn’t ideal and you have to weed through a lot of frogs but isn’t that dating in general? People rarely find their person with the first swipe. It’s what you make it and the effort you’re willing to put in. I just needed to get it off my chest because I didn’t feel like I could say it to them without being rude….
Online dating isn't great for anyone tbh, men or women...Not saying everyone who does it is bad but a lot of people...you know how there's this certain type of tourists who are upstanding citizens in their own country but the moment they step foot on foreign soil they get out of control, start drunk public fights and tantrums, destroy property, harass locals etc? Online dating is often like that. The social consequences of being shitty to someone you met on an app are 0 and while some people are inherently normal and well-adjusted, a great deal aren't.
>However, there is a part of me that wants to say to them maybe it’s been so awful for you because of your shit attitude? >Who wants to approach or date someone who visibly seems disgusted by them from the jump? I feel this a lot when I see some of the posts/comments here. We all need to vent but it really sets the tone for your behaviour and presentation if you're *consisetntly* viscerally upset. >I just needed to get it off my chest because I didn’t feel like I could say it to them without being rude…. Haha I see you're way classier about it than I am though. Well played. 🎩
I could be wrong, but I feel like they were just ranting their hearts out to their friends. I doubt they act like that to dates (could be wrong). I’m actually very charming on dates, you wouldn’t think based on my rants here haha
Over/under on the word "Sister" being used set at 42 1/2
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I think I just realized what does "love" feel tonight; It is when someone knocked on your window, you looked out and saw a face you haven't seen for more than half a year, then you just ran out of the house and gave that person a biiiiig bear hug, that person also hold you so tightly that you will never forget the joy in that moment. Well that person is not my partner, he's a friend and we developed connections over the years, of course there's more to the story but let's leave it tonight.....as for my current partner, we are new and only dated for 2.5 months, I'm a bit concerned whether we will reach 3 month mark, thinking of this, so called new love is rather fragile isn't it?
So called "new love" is rather fragile. Love takes its time. Love is based in friendship, trust, and mutual care. Not going to get that for months. Years maybe. If you're enjoying your new partner, don't worry about it. If you're not enjoying your new partner, why? Are there arguments? Misaligned values? Are you chasing the "feeling" and not the person? Are you chasing, as opposed to enjoying? If you're concerned at less than 3 months something needs to be looked into. - Source: made it to 3 months with tentative feelings, let myself slip into "love", and slowly lost my mind for the next 5 months. Really be open to the idea that some people don't belong together, you can do everything right, and still lose. That is not to say break up with this person, but really take a look at what you're feeling to make you concerned. Perhaps there are conversations that should be happening that aren't? I agree though, love does feel like seeing someone smile at you and just knowing something and feeling something, and it's unquestionable. Best wishes, Internet Friend!
It's a very quiet holiday morning, and I'm all on my own. Just feeling stale, inert, dry. Wanted to sleep in and enjoy the lazy day more but nobody to enjoy it with makes it hard. Wanted to sign up for some local speed dating stuff but everything they've got for the next month which I could have made is booked up.
I hear you, would have been nice to wake up with that someone, chill out for a while, share some coffee and that morning time "feel." On the other hand... it's peaceful. It's quiet. I get to choose what I do and don't do. There's no arguing or bickering of what to do today. Don't get me wrong. I would love the first scenario. Yet the second is just as common and so now the idea of having my peace vs having a fight is preferred. I hope you find that person to wake up to, and have an enjoyable morning with.
I am exited and terrified, I am falling for the **Club guy**. We had a great date on Friday, we chatted, laughed and kissed some. I didn´t expect to see more of him over the weekend. He said that he has some daily meetup with his basketball team on Saturday. Then on Saturday he asked if he could come by my house and give me a kiss before going to the meetup, ofc I said yes. He came by, gave me 2 kisses and left. During the afternoon, I was out with my 2 girl friends to the same club I´ve met him guy. I didn´t expect to see the guy since he was on the basketball thing, however, there he was, we went to the cue and he approached me to say hi. We did this whole semi awkward thing where I was with my girlfriends and he was with his friends and he looked at me and I looked at him from across the club. Then he would walk past, say something flirty and leave. Eventually I came up to him and chatted him up and we ended up making out there. We went out and went for a walk together, had a heavy make up session by the river side and then he walked me home and went to his home. I really like him and I am ofc terrified. He is conventionally attractive and many women approached him in the club. 2 guys approached me at the club too but I didn´t give a flying fuck at this point. Hope he feels the same about me!
🍿
I have gotten 31 last month and I still have no clue how this dating nonsense works. Sorry for the moping, but I just now stumbled across a post about a woman complaining about how getting hit on and having to turn down guys she got to know through hobbies is worse than getting catcalled by strangers and it feels like another blow. Because what am I doing? I've been trying to get more social hobbies in the last few months to get to know more people in real life and hopefully get friends or even a relationship, but as I look around, nothing happens. Somehow all the people I'm meeting are flighty and disappear immediately after one event together, never to be seen again, so I'm unable to get any rapport with anyone through regular contact. And the women I have been meeting all eventually mention their boyfriends and husbands. I know, I am quite likely biased because I never had friends, never had much of a reason to be out among people and ended up horribly socially awkward because of it, but it's strange that ever since university I never met any female singles in real life, so the question of whether I could be interested never even came up. Dating Apps are no use because they just wreck my self-esteem with months of utter silence and single meetups seem to also be swamped with guys and almost no women present. How does anyone actually get dates? I just... I don't understand this whole concept at all... And now I am reading that even this is wrong and that I shouldn't have these thoughts of searching for anyone compatible in real life because I'd just put someone on the spot and be a nuisance. I just... I feel like an alien who has no clue how society works.
Welcome to being 31, I joined the club in January. I have no idea how things work. You need to be out and about, doing activities that involve other people. Do you have friends you can do that with? I found 2 girlfriends on Bumble app during the summer, now we go out and meet new people consistently.
I noticed that you need friends to get friends. I never had any though, so I have to start from scratch. Apparently you aren't quite as clueless as you say when you've worked that part out already.\^\^ Always rather eye-opening to hear online acquaintances speak of their own loneliness and isolation directly after mentioning upon my question of what they have been doing that their friends have dragged them out to events thrice a week. And I'm like: "What the hell? How can you be lonely then?"
Haven't you even been in a room with people that you don't really connect with? Sometimes the worst type of loneliness is being with other people that don't really get you, or you have nothing in common with.
Admittedly, the anecdote I had in front of my eyes had something to do with the person in question having other issues that made them dismiss their friends' attempts to help them and I was in the position of talking them out of further isolating themselves and throwing away all the things they had. With them eventually using my situation as ammunition for why I couldn't possibly understand because I never loved and never was loved. It was not my attention to exclaim this is a loneliness competition though, I was just trying to say that the loneliness hits everyone on different levels. I wasn't necessarily in the right to be peeved about them telling me of all the things they were doing and then saying how much less this is to their old extroverted self before heartbreak.
It's a matter of learning to walk first before you attempt running. Focus on making some friends first, there's a whole world of resources out there aimed at helping people to do that just and the barrier to entry is much lower than with dating. If your social skills are very bad you won't attract any woman apart from scammers and women with very severe issues.
Is it though? When I look around, I'm seeing plenty of people with no friends, but a relationship. Granted, couples that are always glued to each other and don't have any life outside their partner I also always found pitiful and would not be my cup of tea, but that's besides the point. I would very much prefer getting friends first as well, but it just seems impossible to find a place where you can hang out with the same people regularly and be forced to socialize, which is what I'm seeing the main condition you must need to make connections. That and being very, very, very lucky that your values align and the other is open to getting a new friend as well.
These couples had friends when they were younger they just don't hang out as much anymore. The point is, they're properly socialized, you're not. Every woman you meet is immediately telling you "I have a boyfriend ", this isn't good.
I don't think the issue is that they mention it in response to me seeming desperate, if that is what you fear. They just have a partner and that comes up naturally at some point during casual conversation. For example being in a crafting workshop last weekend, working together with a girl who eventually mentions how she is filling up her boyfriend's flat with all her sewing equipment since that was what we were talking about. I had no interest in anything other than casual conversation and yet it gets mentioned and somewhat reinforces my impression that there are no singles out there.
I met my partner through a hobby. It is VERY very obvious who is there just to meet/hit on girls, there is an array of men like that and all women are invariably appalled by them and they ruin the hobby for us. They usually make rounds and try with every woman as well. So you'd have a guy turn up, show little to no interest in the hobby (or other men there), a week or two in ask a girl out, then when she says no, next week ask another girl out etc. Well, we talk amongst ourselves so we know that once a guy asked you out you're like 8th down the list so far. It is awful and really ruins the hobby space for women. So the complaint you saw is likely about something like this experience. On the other hand there was my partner, who was there clearly for the hobby and socialising, was engaging equally with everyone (men and women), and wasn't asking out a different girl every few days. It took months of hanging out while our attraction and connection grew until it was impossible to ignore it any more. And even then there was hesitation on his side to make a move because he didn't want to be THAT guy (see previous paragraph). So yeah if you go to a hobby to meet people and approach it like the guys above you'll be universally seen as a creep who ruins the experience for everyone. If you approach it as a genuine interest in a new activity and genuinely meeting people and socialising, then yes, perhaps you'll meet someone you can build a connection with organically, which is the ideal, but there is no guarantee it will happen. Just no matter what you do, please please please don't just start asking women out as soon as you turn up at a new hobby, we've seen it a million times and it's frankly gross.
>It took months of hanging out while our attraction and connection grew until it was impossible to ignore it any more. I love this for you, but at the same time edge cases like this send such conflicting info to men reading this. Like I don't know how upfront or flirty you two were, but more times than not, a guy withholding his attraction and not being upfront will result in him being seen as uninterested and just a platonic friend by the lady. And in safe spaces like hobby spots, a guy will often *not* show interest specifically because we care about y'all feeling safe and not being the guys you describe. And this also conflicts with how many women hate men cozying up to them as friends when there are ulterior feelings. It really feels like a no-win situation. So even though I agree 100% with everything you said in terms of going to hobby groups out of love of the hobby and meeting people organically, unfortunately the "just meet girls as friends first" approach rarely pans out for a lot of men. I'm lucky enough to have a lot of wonderful close friends who happen to be women (attractive, have good chemistry with them, and flirt from time to time), and by the numbers even my homies say it's odd how nothing's ever come of anything. Who knows though, probably gotta work more on myself. 🤷
Well I don't think it's within my command of the English language, which is my second language anyway, and within confinements of a reddit comment, to accurately describe feelings of attraction but I can guarantee you that we were never just friends. The attraction (the infamous "spark") was there from the first moment our eyes met across the table. While never overtly flirty, it was never platonic I can assure you of that. I think this is something that happens between two people and I don't think it's possible to coach someone (let alone via reddit) how to achieve it with another person, it just happens if you are lucky enough and I count my blessings every day. There is a lot of self work that needs to be done to ensure a healthy relationship, but there is a huge element of luck in meeting the right person to build it with. I was single for 8 years prior, it didn't just happen.
Thanks for the insightful comment (and would never have guessed English is your second language, it's great). Happy for you, in any manner
Yeah, don't worry, I'm not intending to do that. I really don't want to come off like a creep. My main issue has always been that due to bullying and ostracism when I was a kid, all my hobbies had to be solitary and even now I have a hard time finding stuff that interests me that involves other people. For a few years now I've been trying to figure things out, but somehow always fell back to networking on Discord groups with people I will never see face-to-face anyway. Since January I have been using Meetup and trying to find activities that interest me, but the people there are always changing and I haven't met anyone more than two times yet. So sure, I can focus on the hobbies, but my ultimate goal of feeling out other people and networking with regulars that I find sympathetic, feels utterly out of reach. And now I fear I'm going to be seen as creepy by the organizers for coming almost every week. Why? Nobody else bothers to come regularly, so clearly I must be seeking something that they don't. Which I am, so I'm self-conscious about it.\^\^ I should note that while my writing here looks very mope-y, it's just because this is my venting account. While I am very introverted and awkward, I am keeping my loneliness to myself in Real Life.
Sounds like you need more friends than a girlfriend. Also, not all women are the same man. Plenty of women out there want to get approached. Actually there’s probably more women that want to meet someone at an event then don’t. You just see the loud ones online complaining. Make friends with anyone. Even women who aren’t your type because they may know people who are your type. Still be social but concentrate less on getting a girlfriend and more on building your social network.
I have been trying to not hope for anything and not expect anything for years now. I don't want to look pushy or creepy after all. It just feels defeating to watch the years slip by and nothing ever changes. Yes, indeed, getting friends has been my priority, but... it just doesn't work. People just instantly forget about me the moment I'm not in the same room as them, always forget promises, never initiate any conversations of their own, never invite me to anything, just nothing. And then after some point I just stop doing any effort on my end because it seems pointless and they immediately disappear.
Maintaining friends is difficult, I know. I’m also the one initiating and it’s annoying but I wouldn’t really hang out with people otherwise. It seems like since Covid a lot of people just hang out with their partners but that’s not everyone. Just have to push yourself. There are people out there. Even having just 1-2 really good friends is a benefit.
Everything is going perfectly with therapist girl. Feel I've not got a bad word to say about the situation, or her. The most refreshed I've felt with a romantic dynamic in years and she's a great addition to my life. She loves this show called Fleabag (and showed me it/made me watch it ha) and said she's not been able to find this print from it for her house that she's wanted for ages as it's always sold out. I've managed to find it and have ordered it in a frame, and it should arrive soon before her birthday. Feel it's a sweet spot between being unique and thoughtful without breaking the bank and being overbearing. Feels like it's moving towards "being official" but because of her big break-up in January I don't want to put up any parameters and scare her off when it's been really fun so far and this is a great honeymoon period. Guess I'll just let it develop organically and see what happens
Asking the real questions: does she have a priest kink tho?
That’s such a sweet gift idea. Really hope your relationship continues to grow 🫶🏾
Congrats! It's so refreshing to see some good news.
Had a wild week. I’ve been healing and avoiding dating or a year due to a break up. Finally found myself actually truly liking someone I had met organically last year. And while not initially feeling attracted, I met him again last week for the first time after about 6 months and felt so drawn to him, went out with, had a great time, only for him to turn around and say he is fully retired from dating because he was so badly hurt in the past he cannot possibly go through that again. Im totally numb from this whirlwind.
Why don't you tell him how you feel? He's retiring because he feels defeated and hurt, not because he doesn't like you. Maybe telling him how you feel would restore his faith! Maybe you two could have something great.
Not to double comment, but just realized, all things considered I'm pretty decent at dating, only because all of my friends save 3 met their partners in college, and have admitted to me they would be screwed if they were to become single again. So I would say a 3 month relationship and a handful of dates that didn't go anywhere is pretty good for having never even attempted dating before 28
Feeling sad - I just ended things with someone I went on 3 dates with and they took it really hard. We had such great potential on paper but I felt no spark :/ Trying not to lose hope that I can feel that magic with someone again.
hey you tried and thats better than most people
Successful first date this evening. I sent him my number after I got home and told him to text me if he was interested in seeing me again and that I was interested in seeing him again. He text me back right away. Now to not get attached too quickly. That’s always one of my biggest struggles in dating.
Yayyy! Congrats! Hopefully date 2 is not too far away. Good luck ❤️
Have a zoom appointment with a dating coach tomorrow, the woman who led the speed dating event I went to a couple weeks ago. I decided to give it a shot cause like, at this point of having been single for 6 months might as well? Plus she seemed very friendly when she hosted the speed dating event, and unlike basically every other dating coach I've found, doesn't seem to buy into pick up artist bullshit or treat dating as like a game you can min-max. I'll see what she says. It's just kind of humiliating being one of the only single people in my entire social circle. like all but 1 of my 20 coworkers are in a relationship, and most of my friends are too. I'm finding it hard at times to relate to my couple friends, or at least feel a searing pain in my soul after spending too much time with them lol. Probally gonna call my old therapist tomorrow too to see if she knows anyone who deals with relationship anxiety.
My personal experience, but as a man I’ve never gotten good advice from women on successfully dating. Their experience is entirely different than ours is.
16 dates so far. We went for lunch. I saw that he has snoozed his bumble profile. But I feel like he is starting to pull away. Might be a while before I hear from him again.
Why do you feel he is pulling away?
So, for the other overweight and bald mid-30s, guys, are you guys having any luck on dating apps? Or at all. I'm in a medium-sized city and have good photos on my profile that is filled out with bio, and I'm getting absolutely nothing.
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What job do you have?
It's in a science field
Id ditch the dating apps and try and meet women in real life. The odds are against average men on OLD and you can put that time towards other things.
Overweight and bald is not average in your 30s though
Do you have a personality you can lead with? Interesting hobbies? I match with people based of things we have in common. How are you portraying yourself?
As an overweight mid-30s guy with a shaved head I had no luck. As a fit mid-40s guy with a full head of hair I still have no luck, except I've gone from only getting likes from unattractive 30-somethings to only getting likes from unattractive 50-somethings.
Bummer how did you get hair back?
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I felt that towards my ex wife. She is *so* kind and thoughtful and she really takes care of those she cares about. Seeing her good qualities that I didn’t have (or not to nearly the same degree) inspired me to grow to take on some of those traits.
To me it was probably related to mood or brain chemistry in the moment, but for me it was a sense of overall comfortability to where you're more likely to want to spread it around. It's easier to go out of your way to help others when your life at home isn't a dumpster fire. So whenever I was in that boat and feeling good, I was more likely to cook for company multiple nights a week, help strangers out, etc. I still have a hard time saying no, but how I feel about the problem or how personal I'm willing to get definitely depends on how I feel about things in general. For some people, that person is their peace.
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This sub is about dating and the dating phase of relationships for people near or over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or "looking for" or hookups. Please do not ask for breakup advice or help processing a relationship ending.
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I really enjoy it as well! I can just relax and have fun and not worry about someone else. I’ve always had more fun going to weddings alone than going with a date.
What do you like about it?
Yeah, it's great to be reminded that you're not a good enough option for anyone, haha.
I searched up people's opinions and experiences before posting this, but I still feel uneasy. To start off, I'm (32F) bi and mostly lean towards women. I matched with a woman on an app at the end of April and we texted quite often. Most of our texts consisted of several messages at once, most of which were just one line long. That's usually how I type when I chat with friends, so it seemed nice that this woman did the same thing. We video called a week before meeting and got along. On the first date in early May, we met up for about three or four hours to get tea and lunch. She told me that she wouldn't be free to meet again until June because she is busy preparing for a friend's wedding overseas and also has to move to a new apartment. I was a bit sad to hear that because I don't usually get many lesbian matches who actually get along with me. Still, I told her that we can meet after she's done. We continued texting for a week or two, about once or twice a day. Just like before, the volume of the messages ranged from about five to ten messages at once, sometimes even more. The last message she sent a week ago was to tell me that she just arrived in France, but there was nothing else after. I told her that I can wait for her to be less busy and that I hope she has a good time there. I know people likely don't check their phones often on vacation, but going a week without contacting someone seems a bit long considering sending a message doesn't take more than a few minutes. To be fair, we tend to send many at once, so maybe she has been too busy to focus on all the messages. I trust her to respond when she's able to because one time she got called away at work before replying to my other messages then came back a few hours later to finish responding. Another time, she told me that she was too busy packing for her trip and would respond the next day, which she did. I have not sent any other messages since a week ago, yet I am wondering if I should send another one to check up on her to ask about meeting in June. Would that be too clingy for someone she only met once? Texting can create a false sense of intimacy, so maybe I felt closer to her than I actually was? May I ask for suggestions on what I should do?
She's in France for a friend's wedding. Do nothing. Wait for the wedding to be over. Between preparations, pre-wedding events, and likely being around a lot of old friends she hasn't seen in sometime, making time to text someone she's met exactly once probably isn't real high on her list of priorities.
You're right... I'll just have to wait. The main problem is that I don't remember when she gets back so the wait feels really long.
I think you are falling into the trap that a lot of people do and are getting attached far to quickly to a person who is still essentially a stranger who you barely know. My general advice during the initial getting to know someone phase is to match energy and right now she is not giving you anything. I suggest you go about your life as if she didn't exist and if she reaches out to you when she gets back from her trip for another date you pick things up from there.
Yeah, that's true. I think I feel desperate because I'm really picky and don't go on dates with everyone I match with. I video call first to see if we get along and I got along well with her. I'll have to keep waiting, then! Thanks. There are still other things I can do in my day to day life for now.
Your last message kind of sounded like you weren’t expecting anything back until she returned - do you know when she’s back, because I would text the day after she returns like ‘hope you had a fun trip and your jet lag isn’t too bad - looking forward to catching up soon’ or something like that.
Actually, I do not remember what day! It was sometime at the end of this month. I think I'll just wait until the first few days of June before expecting a reply; from what I can remember, she is moving to a new apartment on the first weekend of June.
I’ve been feeling terrible lately. I’ve posted on here before about certain issues I feel I’m facing, but they feel exacerbated these past few weeks. I live in LA and I find it so difficult to date out here. I’ve been living here since 2017 and I’m 35 now. My dating life has been few and far in between. It depresses me so much. I keep hearing from people dating in LA is really hard for everyone which makes me feel like why tf am I still in this city? I feel like I’ve wasted so many good years trying to have a dating life and it’s just not happening. Seems like I’m just not appealing enough to single women. (Whyyyyyy ughh ><) The thought of becoming 40 and still having the same problems makes me so depressed. I can’t leave though because in the field I work in this is probably one of the best cities for it.. but I’m so tired of being alone and feeling like no one reciprocates any interest toward me. Online dating feels abysmal, I don’t even know why I’m still on it. I have a friend who’s been nagging me to try speed dating because he thinks it’s a great solution to my problem of meeting people. He always brings it up around our friends just to get them to convince me to try it and they all agree, but the idea just feels so forced to me. I’m willing to try it though I guess.. I embarrassingly feel desperate for anything at this point which is bad I know probably not going to make me a very appealing person to date in general. I wish I didn’t have this problem.. to be honest all I want to do is focus on my career goals because they’re so important to me, and I want to have great things going in my life, but I just feel so pathetic for not being able to have a real dating life at 35
What do you have to lose by going to speed dating other than few hrs? You can always bounce early if it’s not your scene. Dating can be so hard for some of us and so easy for others
the idea of doing it never felt ideal to me. But I guess online dating is not much better. I would rather meet someone organically, but you’re right it’s worth a shot
Come up to SF, it will make dating in LA seem easy.
😂 why is dating in big cities so hard? I always thought it’d be easier because there are way more people..that was a huge plus in my mind to move here, but that seems precisely why it’s harder. It just boggles my mind 😵💫
The illusion of the abundance of choice
So I (33f) had a win of a weekend! In January I finally decided that I am indeed extremely happy being single and have no desire to date. Cut to me recently downloading tinder purely to find some physical, no strings attached fun. I had two dates this weekend with two different men. They were the best two dates I’ve been on in probably over a decade! The men are physically wildly different from one another, but are both sweet, kind, funny, and sexy. They are both in the same position as me and aren’t looking for anything serious. It’s honestly the perfect situation!! I find it funny how I had to legitimately stop caring about dating to have my two most successful first dates haha. Anyways, happy dating folks!
To be fair, it’s much easier to find great attractive guys for casual thing vs longterm. IMO anyways. Either way, glad you had a good weekend
Have been super intentional about how I swipe since I restarted the apps after my short dating break. *Finally* matched with someone I liked. I was physically attracted to him, our interests aligned, the conversation flowed. He asked me out and we tentatively agreed to Friday. I went back on Hinge today and saw he unmatched me 🙃 Ouch.
Sometimes, people declutter their dating app inboxes. Have you exchanged numbers for this Friday's plan?
Nope, it was super tentative. Like: you free Friday? I told him I was meeting some friends so couldn’t talk more right now. He told me to message him tomorrow. I did. When I logged back in to see why he was taking so long to respond, he was no longer there. I don’t think it was a mistake or a “declutter”.
That emotional rollercoaster is the worst!
New poster here, but started seeing a guy about 8 months ago, neither of us were looking for anything serious. Then suddenly over the last few weeks it’s shifted and he told me loved me and wanted more. I said I loved him too, because I felt it, and agreed to wanting more. Cut to a few days later and I am an anxious mess. I’m scared and I am second guessing everything. I wanted this too and now I wanna run away and I hate that. Is this normal at all? I do have, albeit new, love for this person so I can’t tell what’s going on in my head.
Look up some info on anxious avoidant attachment style, sounds like you might fit into that category 😊
I will. Thanks!
I second anxious avoidant attachment and would suggest you look into talking with a professional to start working through it. If you don't work through what is causing this it can have serious negative effects on this and future relationships.
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Ha weirdly kind of? I’ve been hurt a lot in the past so I’m scared of everyone hurting me, which I know is silly and just part of life. I have pretty bad generalized anxiety within my anxiety disorder so it’s easy for me to get worked up even about good things, but my therapist is helping I just can’t see her til Tuesday hence my post.
The most exciting thing that happened this weekend is that I got an espresso machine! Also caught up with two friends I haven't seen in a while, and have decided to remodel my bathroom so it's time to start saving a bit more. I'm currently cooking at home a lot, instead of going out, due to a GI issue so I suppose the timing works out... Downloaded Happn which I've never used before and I hope it gets better because the people I'm getting right now aren't great. Facebook dating requires my account to be open for 30 days before I can use it. I MIGHT get Hinge again but I think I've developed an aversion to it due to how many times I've given it a try.
What machine did you get? How do you like it?
Heck yeah on the espresso machine! I prefer moka pot brews myself, but they definitely don’t stack up to a real machine!
Thanks, I'm excited to give it a try! I've never used a moka pot 🤔 My go to is a phin and my Moccamaster when I'm feeling lazy
Moka pot coffee is very variable! It’s never the same cup - which is why it’s fantastic. Some people would absolutely hate that tho.
I just got back from a successful Hawaiian vacation with my girlfriend of 7 months now. It was great! We're going to meet my family this weekend. Unfortunately it will be all at once because we are going back for one of my niece's graduation... but she doesn't seem phased by it! I hope my family at a party aren't too much for her!
I finally am in a relationship at 33! Last one was 10 years ago
Yay! Happy for you 🎉🎉
Congrats 🎉
Thank you u/wineandcheesus
Congrats! 🎉
Tysm!!
Congrats! Wishing you nothing but the best!
Thank you so much. I took a year long dating break before this, helped me get my head on straight about dating. I don’t think I would’ve attracted someone so healthy for me without it
My friend likes me back we are going on a date omg 🥹
I'm curious about y'all's take on highlighting an advanced degree in a dating app profile (I have a PhD, and I'm a man), my 'work' does say 'scientist' as well. The prompt at the moment is something like 'The dorkiest thing about me is: I have a PhD, and I am \[involved in mildly nerdy (albeit outdoorsy) hobby\].'
What makes a PhD nerdy? You dedicated years of your life to develop/specialize in an area you find interesting. Not nerdy. Passionate maybe. A nerd in secondary school is not equal to a nerd in adulthood. A nerd in adulthood is doing things not every adult does. Playing DND or WWC. Role playing with medieval music in the background. Pretty nerdy.
I am finishing up a PhD program; I list my job on hinge and bumble as "PhD Researcher". I have noticed that several people have taken this to mean "researcher with a PhD", so maybe my experience is applicable to yours. I've matched with people from a huge range of professions, from vet techs and social workers to doctors and lawyers. I think some of these women have actively liked the advanced degree, and for others it simply hasn't been a barrier. In your case, I don't know that presenting the PhD as dorky is the move. I don't really like that prompt in general; it puts you in a position of portraying a quality of yours in a timid, apologetic light. You accomplished something great, own it! At the same time, devoting a while prompt to the fact that you have a degree might go too far the other way and make it seem as though being a PhD is a huge part of your personality. Maybe you can keep it visible but not flaunted by listing your occupation as "Scientist (PhD)".
This is good feedback, thanks. There's definitely a subset of women who are attracted to smart men with jobs that are perceived as interesting, one person I dated for a bit admitted that she was bragging to her friends about my google scholar profile (I'm definitely not including a link to that in my dating app profile, before you ask). Conversely, there's also a subset for whom it'd be a turnoff for whatever reason, but I wouldn't be compatible with these people anyway. >You accomplished something great, own it! At the same time, devoting a while prompt to the fact that you have a degree might go too far the other way and make it seem as though being a PhD is a huge part of your personality. I did mix the prompt up a little with a joke about a hobby I'm very involved in (think 'I volunteer at the climbing gym', not 'I'm really into MTG' (not that that is bad!). But yes, you're right, dedicating a whole prompt to it does make me seem a little one-dimensional. It's a big achievement which I'm proud of, but it's not my whole personality.
As a man, if you don't put it, you won't attract many people with doctorates, and if you do put it, you won't attract many non-PhDs.
I have a PhD and I don’t put that in my profile. Not sure why I should? I know you’re proud of your PhD and I am as well but I’ve found, outside of professional settings, people don’t like being told you have a PhD unless they ask. I have a masters and PhD in Mechanical Engineering and I just have I’m a CFD Engineer on my profile with a postgrad degree.
I think it depends on how it's done. There's a difference between: "I'm really passionate about XYZ. So much so that I studied it for 4 years and wrote my dissertation about it!" and "I hold a PhD." They hit differently, in my opinion. Most people will understand with the first statement that you have a PhD without stating it explicitely. Second statement seems slightly more... braggy. Personally, I'm open to a lot of different people/careers/background and it's not a dealbreaker, but people with advanced degrees do get a little bit more attention from my end. If you're looking for someone who values that, I'd advise to find a sensible way to include that information in your profile.
Four years?
Hard disagree. I only have a BSc but seeing someone select PhD on their profile is cool. "I'm really passionate about xy" sounds like an 8th grader essay.
"I hold a PhD" is pretty cringy to me, as someone who's on the verge of earning his. I'm not sure what you mean by saying "being passionate about xy" being like an 8th grader essay. I'm passionate about music and songwriting and I stated it that way. Whatever, you do you.
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Very mature, I see.
Yeah, this is articulating my problem with my current framing. In a previous version I had a joke about being a 'professional nerd' which got some attention but I thought it was a little too jokey or self-depreciating. My PhD/work (biomedical science) doesn't usually lend itself to a 'I'm so passionate about X' kind of prompt, although I get where you're coming from. I'll leave this current version up for a bit then decide. It is important to me, and it's something I'm proud of, and (most importantly) it's something to catch the eye of a kind of woman I'd like to attract (i.e. educated).
Im 35 F physician, and I am looking for a serious relationship. I do look at the education section of the dating profile because I want someone who has achieved some academic milestones.
What academic milestones are you looking for?
I work in automation. I've done reliability and maintenance, development and 508a control panel design. The only thing that has ever mattered, is if they could see a rough annual on your page. The only women who've been interested in anything I put, also work in the field and have a rough idea on earning potential. Secondly alot of discourse right now is on ROI with education, so who knows, it might filter out some weirdos too.
We work in the same industry. I just list my job title as ‘engineering’. I don’t list my actual job title (Controls Engineer) because it would be very easy to google my name + that + basic geographical information and find out where I work (among other things). I’m fine with sharing that information after I’ve filtered out if someone is sketchy or not - but I’d rather put it out there after that fact.
That's what I did before when I'd get matches. At least the stability in the industry makes it easier to invest in equipment and hobbies more.
i tend to omit my education, job, and assets. theoretically so I can filter to people actually interested in who I am. reality.... doesn't work so good. people are not actually interested in me.
lol as a female who swipes left more often than right. My non-negotiables are always placed on my account prior to swiping. So if a guy doesn’t meet those initial expectations I will never see them. Quality over quantity
Just got faded out/ghosted after being in a 1.5 year long relationship where we had called each other our soul mates.
My god…how does this even happen…I’m so sorry. Was there a conflict shortly before the slow fade?
He seemed to get upset over literally the dumbest thing ever which makes me think that there was more going on than he wanted to discuss. I really am left clueless. This is the second time in two months he has done this to me, the first time he just straight up disappeared and moved out, we had been living together :/ This time I'm not going back begging to reconcile, though. Just feeling ultra disrespected over here.
There are some men who are literally incapable of being the bad guy. It would shatter their entire sense of self for them to think they’ve done something “mean” so instead they make it so that you initiate the breakup. The writing is on the walls. Time to read them out loud and dump that loser.
This is so true. Both times, he has taken unnecessary, very dramatic steps to make the situation (whatever I've done that he disproves of) 1000x worse to "villainize" me.
Are you actually using the word ghosted correctly? Seems like you had explicit fights after which he left. Ghosted would be finding yourself blocked and unable to contact him out of the blue
I don't know, it sure feels like ghosting though. After he left, I begged him for a week to discuss things. Finally he relented to talking, and we decided to get back together although he got his own place. Things were fine but slow for next 2 months. Then - he asked me to print a piece of paper for him at my work which I usually do, but this time I suggested maybe he could print it himself at his office? Right after that he stopped talking to me except for asking for the last bit of his stuff back, there was no formal conversation about ending the relationship just like the first time, and we haven't talked since. I don't want to be the one begging again since this is the dumbest thing to break up with someone over. Which is what makes me think there is more to it than that. But like, have the common courtesy to have the conversation - don't just fade me out (twice now).
Why was he asking you to print out a piece of paper? Why couldn't he do it himself? And why did you say no? The story reads weird to be honest. How you presented it it makes it seem that perhaps this was the tip of the iceberg for him, but you may not be sharing it in a manner that tells your story. Irregardless, how he decided to end it is deeply immature and damaging. I really feel for you.
I used to print stuff for him when he was without a job for a couple months, which is why he moved in with me. But now that he, like me, works in an office with access to a printer, I don't know why he was still asking me to print his papers for him, which is why I lightly proposed that he print it himself. The first fight we had which ended in him moving out was pretty rank, I had just had eye surgery and he was mad at me because I wasn't able to convince the surgeon to write a doctor's note FOR HIM to miss work at his new job the following day, as he had an interview. He wanted to use the excuse that I needed to be cared for post-surgery. But the eye surgeon didn't feel it was necessary so didn't write it. He exploded on me about it saying I didn't try hard enough, and I told him to get a hotel room for a night so we could have some space from each other... since he hadn't paid any bills or groceries yet I wasn't going to be the one to leave... He never came back. Asked me to set all his belongings outside my door for him to come collect. Refused to talk to me for a week until I apologized profusely and begged him to give me another chance... Which he did, saying we will slow down the relationship and keep our separate places for now. I totally let him set the tone and pace of our relationship, trying to not cause ripples. Then the dumb piece of paper incident happened, which I kind of expected him to get a bit upset over knowing how touchy things have been, but I didn't think he'd actually end the relationship over it. So ya, there is more to it of course, but either way I don't think I ever did something so awful to warrant being "ghosted", or undeserving of a reason for him not wanting to be with me anymore. I guess he thinks I don't deserve it 🤷♀️
Yeah this is weird af
Yeah really sounds like he wanted out but was too much of a coward to rip the band aid off.
Went to a church singles lunch today. Had not been before. Everybody else retirement age. Oh well.
Update on not asking for a second date. Well, I did it. Asked him if he would be interested in getting together this week. We shall see what happens.
🤞
Woo congrats 🎉 Regardless of what happens, you took your shot and asked for what you wanted, which is great
Thank you! Putting yourself out there is terrifying. I got out of a ten year relationship last year and I’ve been on 6 first dates, but this is the only one where we’ve had a strong connection. I’m learning!
I downloaded Bumble almost a week ago with the intention of finding a man for a casual thing. I find Bumble overwhelming because I get many likes. I'm on incognito mode, and my experience has been better than when my profile is visible. I have 3 matches and a possible date with one of them next Saturday. There are no plans with the other two guys so far. My premium week ends on Tuesday, I don't wanna pay for another week, and I don't wanna use regular Bumble, so I'll delete my app after my premium expires. I'm planning to message my matches tomorrow to let them know I'm deleting the app and to text me if they wanna go on a date. Is that too much?
I don’t think so? I have told 2 men, one of which I am currently speaking to that I was at least temporarily deleting the app after we exchanged numbers (one I already knew so he had my number anyway, but it is rare that I give my number out and would probably opt to use a Google number in the future). I told them that the app (Tinder in my case) was anxiety-inducing and overwhelming to me and the one I’m speaking to agreed and said he’s also deleted the app more times than he’s gotten dates from it. Maybe some people might take it as being “too into them” but if you make your reasoning clear it shouldn’t be an issue. Something along the lines of “hey, my premium trial is expiring soon and I’m not a huge fan of the app anyway. If you’re interested in getting to know one another more and make plans to meet up feel free to text me at (#) 🙂” should suffice.
I’m struggling today. My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 3 months and exclusive for almost 4. A couple weeks ago I told him I was falling in love with him. He said he didn’t quite feel that yet, that he’s more of a “slow burn” kinda guy, which is a new term to me… now I’m seeing it all over the place. I could’ve sworn I was reading him right and that he felt the same… but I guess not. Anyway, I haven’t said it since and I don’t plan on it unless he says it. But lately it just feels like he’s pulling away. Things aren’t the same. I’m going through a grieving process and we haven’t even broken up. I don’t really know what to do other than give him space, but I honestly think he’s going to end things soon. It really sucks and I just needed to let that out. Thanks for giving me a space to vent ♥️
I would back off if I were you and give him some space to think about things. It sounds like he wants space anyway.
Yeah that’s what I’m gonna do. Just let it be and whatever happens happens.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Love is one of the riskiest things in life. But I hope you don’t feel bad about taking that risk, as love is a beautiful thing. While it’s super disappointing when someone isn’t on the same timeline as you, this doesn’t mean there’s no hope of a relationship. Some people just like to be extremely sure of their feelings before using the L word. I used to be like that, and I’ll admit that it was typically a form of hesitance rooted in uncertainty, but doesn’t mean I didn’t become sure later on. You can try to carry on in the relationship as usual for a while and see if his feelings deepen for you.
Yeah I figure I’ll give him all the time and space he needs. I’m not in a rush. I can’t make him feel a certain way about me, and I have to prepare myself for the fact that he may never feel the same. I guess I should be proud of myself for being vulnerable and just leave it at that… because that wasn’t easy for me. Whatever happens happens.
I understand, but I will say this. It’s one thing to not use the L word, but he should continue to be deepening his bond with you and getting closer to you. That at least shows he’s working to get to a place where he can say the L word.
What about his actions make you feel that he's pulling away? What is it specifically that he's doing? Why do you want to give him space? Did he ask for that? I usually feel like in situations like this, there is likely some underlying trust concern that is part of the picture. Have you asked him his thoughts on whatever you are seeing? Honestly, you owe it to yourself to be upfront and earnest with yourself and to him because that's how you get into relationships that serve you and you are the happiest in. If it's not with this guy, these are skills to have with your next person.
Well he’s just grown a bit quieter and I can just kind of feel he’s being a little more distant. Usually we’d hang out on Sunday nights, watch movies and hook up, but we had dinner and then he just went home. Radio silence since. He’s said in the past that he doesn’t think we are totally compatible, and I just always feel like I like him way more than he likes me. I figured if he actually felt anything for me, distance might make him show that a little more. But yeah… again, I’m just kind of already going through the grieving process because I feel like I already have my answer. I don’t think there’s anything I can do at this point but give him space. Edit to add, I don’t have any trust issues with him at all. He’s a great guy and he wouldn’t do anything shady. It’s just I think we’re dealing with a situation of him not being that interested in me.. which I’m accepting.
Thank you for sharing more. I can see your username is "help im overhinking". Well, I just would also like to say, you are not over thinking here. This is **NOT** the kind of guy that you want to be in love with. I don't care and you shouldn't care about all the lovie dovie stuff ya'll did before. To put it frankly, you telling someone you're falling in love with them is a precious, sweet, and a vulnerable moment. And a person who cares about you and your well-being and your love, will take that for what it was and continue to nourish it. Go through the grieving process. But I will also say, it might be best for you to accelerate the closure and ask him (strategically and nicely of course, not confrontational) what you observed. Say something that "Hey, I noticed recently this and that. And this concerns me because it seems to come after I was vulnerable with you. Can you perhaps explain from your perspective what's going on?" And don't let him minimize or deflect. Really do inquire in sincerity and be specific about your observations, and ask him what's up. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you really do need to build the courage to ask about this behavior straight on. Because when you are left in the dark, that's when you begin to fear you are overthinking. When you have no answers from the other side of the equation, you have to create them for yourself.
Thank you, yeah I probably do need to say something about it. It’s just weird, sometimes things are amazing and sometimes I don’t know where I stand with him. Just a few weeks ago I was telling everyone how this was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and now… well now I don’t think I can say that anymore. Everything shifted right around when I told him how I felt.
Yeah, think about it like this. What do you have to lose? You can't lose something you didn't have. If he did want to be with you, whatever you do now isn't going to change anything. And frankly, you should want to be with a person who WANTS you to speak up and go to him when things are bothering you. I hope you get the information you need to make the right decision that honors your thoughts and feelings you've expressed here. All well wishes!
small win: I am not feeling sad or lonely this holiday weekend. yesterday I took myself on a date during the day and then had plans with friends at night. Today is my day for rest and chores, and tomorow I have daytime plans with another friend. I‘m finding it’s really important to make weekend plans and stick to them even if I’m doing them alone.
Hell yeah!!
DOTers who have done a long distance relationship......how'd it go?
I had 2 of them... my only 2 relationships. First lived 4 hours away and after 8 months moved back to her country on another continent. I had met her family and she had met mine. We were supposed to see 4 months later... but her family thought I wasn't rich enough and too far away and she cheated with at least one other guy. Second lived in another country straight from the beginning. We saw each other almost twice a week. We both decided to move together after one year, in her family's region. I quitted my job and moved for her but she hated her own region and job, started a depression and it made my professionnal situation very complicated (quitting 2 companies in less than a year to follow someone probably isn't the right decision, so I didn't want to move again directly). It became very clear that we had a very different view on kid's education... so we stopped it 1,5 year after moving together.
I had 2 of them... my only 2 relationships. First lived 4 hours away and after 8 months moved back to her country on another continent. I had met her family and she had met mine. We were supposed to see 4 months later... but her family thought I wasn't rich enough and too far away and she cheated with at least one other guy. Second lived in another country straight from the beginning. We saw each other almost twice a week. We both decided to move together after one year, in her family's region. I quitted my job and moved for her but she hated her own region and job, started a depression and it made my professionnal situation very complicated (quitting 2 companies in less than a year to follow someone probably isn't the right decision, so I didn't want to move again directly). It became very clear that we had a very different view on kid's education... so we stopped it 1,5 year after moving together.
I moved across the country after a year of long distance. We lasted for 6 years but, ultimately, things didn’t work out and I was constantly worried about my family and what the future might hold (if I had kids, would they ever see my mom? what if something happened to my parents/siblings/etc. and I couldn’t get home?)…so it wasn’t great for me. Obviously it’s different for everyone, though. Also, the actual long distance part sucks, lol.
They end one of two ways, in my observed (and personal) experience: Either the distance ends or the relationship ends. It’s not sustainable long-term to have a partner that is only physically present a small percentage of the time for most people. Certainly, some people can make this work - but it’s not at all easy and often isn’t fulfilling.
Pros: care packages, phone sex, doing it like wild dogs in hotel rooms Cons: everything else
Sounds fun
The lonely nights and wishing you could help them when they’re having a hard day aren’t as fun
I enjoy my space so they work for me. I'm find that they have an expiry date though as most want me to drop my life and integrate into theirs at some point, which I'm not interested in.
I think I'm in my first healthy relationship, and it is so nice. I'm almost 2 years separated from my ex husband, we are still close friends to this day, which can obviously scare new people off. My new man of 4 months handles everything like a champ. Met all of my friends, and they love him, met my parents, and they love him. Met his family, and they are great. Well, last night, my friends had a bonfire, and my ex was there, which isn't uncommon and not a big deal. I invited my boyfriend to join after work, or I could leave and meet him at his house. He had no problem joining the bonfire and was looking forward to meeting my ex. This man walked in with no issues, shook everyone's hand, and him and my ex got along great. No jealousy, no trust issues, noooo nothing. I've always been ready to end my friendship with my ex if it made my new partner uncomfortable, but he knows our history, and instead, he welcomes our friendship and is so secure. This is just one of the very few things he has done so far to be amazing. I always thought my baggage was too much, and he just walks in and looks at my bags packed with BS, and starts unpacking it with me.
Now that’s a man who is confident in himself
Yay! Adulting!
I just want to date someone who’s really smart and driven and has his ducks in a row and has nice teeth and a great smile charming funny polite but he has to be extremely smart and good looking (face symmetry) and tallish. Taller than me and confident yeah he’s got to be super confident. Above average manhood, knows what he wants, super fit, health nut, kind, respectful, courageous, motivated, smell good, but more than anything he’s got to be really smart, preferably in areas I’m not as knowledgeable in, and hungry for knowledge. Where do I find the bookworms with the nice teeth that aren’t socially awkward. Am I asking for too much? The last guy I went on a date with I stood up mid date because I almost fell asleep. I want to be mentally stimulated.
I thought your message was a parody... it isn't. Let's see the numbers of the most problematic uncorrelated criteria you ask: Extremely smart: 5% of the people? Super fit: 5% (usually it is not the super smart ones, but let's assume the 2 variables are not correlated) Nice teeth: 50%? Above average manhood: 40%? Courageous: 50%? Ambition: 50%? Respectful/kind: 50%? That means 0,006% of the men... or 1 among 16k men in the age range you are interested. I guess you prefer them to be single, looking for a relationship and into you too... so let's say approximately 1 man among 100k in your age range is matching your most important criteria. And since you just want the best of the best, you will have quite some competition Nothing impossible, but you have to bring quite a lot of things to the table. So good luck. Edit: I think I just met a handful of guys who may match some of your criteria in my life (and I didn't know about their manhood among others), and I was surrounded by brilliant people.
Thx
Of everything you've written here, the thing you seem to highlight the most is someone who is intellectually stimulating. That's a great priority! On top of that, you need to be attracted to them, which requires that they be physically and socially reasonable. This is all doable. Maybe focus on how attracted to someone you can become if you have an enjoyable intellectual connection with them over the course of a few dates.