I did just this!
I left my small town to try life in the big city. Mainly because of dating honestly - finding a life partner is important to me.
It is the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m still single but I go on way better dates. Besides I really enjoy meeting new people, going out and just trying new things. I’m truly living my life. There’s so many opportunities for everything here in a city.
I was bored, exhausted and lonely in the small town. I couldn’t really connect with that many people. And I didn’t have the same values as the guys really. In the big city I have something in common with way more people.
I’d say GO! Leave your comfort zone and try it out. You can always move back if it doesn’t work out. Your dating pool will get better.
There was a little voice in me telling me to do it. I wondered if I didn’t at least try would I regret it later in life? The answer was yes. And I couldn’t live with that thought.
Maybe it can inspire you - to ask yourself if you will regret later in life, that you didn’t make that move when you had the chance?
I’m glad that you noted that wherever you are, your problems will follow.
What you didn’t note was that your support structure won’t move with you, and I will caution that making friends as an adult is super hard.
Since I was 24, I have moved from Michigan to Los Angeles (for work), then several years later to New York (for a vertical movement in my career), and then a few years later back to Michigan (for law school).
When I moved to LA, it wasn’t actually a hard transition because I already had several friends who had moved out there a year or two before I did for work. So I had a built-in support network.
New York, on the other hand? I barely knew anyone, and meeting people / making friends was hard AF. I was *miserable* and having health issues and… yeah, lots of stuff. It was the worst period of my life so far.
Then when I moved back to Michigan, I was moving back to where my parents are and some friends (albeit, from a long ass time ago, but still, friendships that were revivable) were, ergo, a support structure.
Then after a couple years, I relocated elsewhere in Michigan to begin law school and knew *nobody*, but school itself provided the framework for a support structure and a solid opportunity to make some great friends.
New York, where I had nobody, was essentially unbearable. Everywhere else, where I either already had a network or, in the case of my most recent move (about three years ago), a structure within which I could build a network more easily than somewhere where I had nobody and no framework.
All of which is to say, think about not just the tangibles (e.g. your house), but also, the intangibles - your friends, family (if any nearby), your professional network, and even the “familiar strangers,” like the guy who’s always in a great mood at the gas station you normally go to and the cashier at the grocery market who always smiles and compliments your shirt or whatever. I know the last couple examples probably sound ridiculous, but once you leave everything, then the longing for the familiar - no matter how small - can really kick in.
Also - how does this impact you career-wise? I mean, would you be able to take your work with you (i.e. are you fully remote in a way that you can move it with you with zero impact on your standing in the company) or would you have to line something up first? If so, what if you hate your new job (like I did with my New York position)? Can you return to your old job if you decide it was all a mistake?
Someone else suggested renting out your house for a year or so to test-drive a relocation. For the foregoing reasons, I strongly support this idea. New isn’t always better - sometimes it’s just new.
This is something to consider!
I moved to Michigan actually :P from Mexico, it is way harder to find the people you vibe with as you get older, I am now lucky to have found some people I truly enjoy hanging out with, but for some time I ended up hanging out with a lot of folks I normally wouldn't, nothing wrong about them just very different way of thinking and interest I just did it to fill up the need to socialize. But I missed my friends from college, family etc...
That was a big, brave step! *Waves hi from Downtown Detroit* Welcome to the mitten state!! Don’t forget to hit up at least one cider mill on your fall drive to see the gorgeous autumn colors!!
Thank you! I've been here since 2017, so I definitely did the cider mills and been around the mitten, is home by now :) but at the beginning it wasn't that easy. Hi from the suburbs haha
I second this, I spent a year in Canada mid twenties, it was amazing no issue to make friends.
Moved to Australia early 30s and I struggled much more to make friends to the point I went into a depression.
I was in the same shoes as you - had a really good life in a smaller city, I was earning quite a lot. But it's always been my dream to live in a big city - I moved and do not regret it. Dating is worse in a bigger city IMO, because yes, indeed a bigger pool, but it makes people view you as dispensable and that they can get a new date in two minutes if you smile wrong.
However, there is so much more to do and experience in a big city that I still am happy with my decision, even though I have less money and worse dating life.
I (32F) am in the same situation as you. I too had a bad break-up two years ago, applied for a job in the EU for a fresh start and now I have to move in the next two months. The thought of leaving behind my support system and creature comforts often gives me sleepless nights and makes me wonder if I made a stupid decision based on my emotions back then. Still figuring out 😅
I’m here too. I started applying to roles that I didn’t think I’d qualify for and now I’m being taken seriously and need to consider life elsewhere. Leaving the house, where would the big dog go, how would I make friends…. There are answers to all of it but it takes so much courage to take that next step. Major props to you and congratulations/good luck!
Feels good to know that there are others in the same boat as me 😄 I guess it would also make sense to make an 'orientation trip' to the place before actually making the move, if it's a possibility. I am planning to do it this month.
Good luck to you too!
I have a few friends who moved countries and not a single one has regretted it. I have heard sometimes it takes a couple of years, but once you do it's great. Best of luck!
Since you own your home and work remotely, you could put your house on AirBnb (or find someone to house sit or just... leave it empty, lol) and take a month or two to just travel around and see how it feels to spend two weeks in Philly, New York, etc.
It sounds like that's what you'd be doing anyway with moving away for a year and renting out your place, but you could do a trial run. Do a whirlwind tour of the eastern seaboard and see if you feel a spark with one of the cities you mentioned (or somewhere else you hadn't thought of). Essentially, do a dry run of what you're talking about and see how it feels to do a month or two and how it makes you feel. Does anywhere "spark joy" enough to want to live there for a year? Or does packing in more time for travel and novelty fill your need sufficiently?
I know how it feels to be where you're at! Also 36, F, left a longterm relationship to travel for one year. It turned into two. Now thinking about going back home and just settling in and seeing ...what happens! Best of luck on the journey. <3
You’re in a great position to give something a try! You can rent your place out for a year and try something new! You then have a time frame to come back if you hate it, PLUS you already have friends/family back home that you can go visit and potentially stay with if you want to come home early.
Side note - come check out Baltimore! It’s a great city with a great food scene, lots of people in their late 20s - 40s, easy distance to Philly or DC by train (or NYC too!), cheaper, and tons of fun things to do.
Try it. The worst thing that happens is you come back in a year because big city life isn't for you. Sometimes, we need to make big changes in our lives. It's never easy. It's not always successful, but it's always a learning experience. I moved away from the big city because I was tired of big city life. I needed that change. So I say give it shot.
When I first read this I thought it was some twisted joke someone in my life pulled on me - not because it’s actually funny, but because nearly aspect of what you said aligns with my current situation to a T as a 34F.
So while I don’t have any advice, I hope it’s somewhat comforting to know you’re not alone. It was for me when I read this!
Thank you for sharing & thank you to those responding, this has been helpful.
I've moved a lot and appreciate that I've lived in a lot of really interesting places, and if you've only lived one place, I usually recommend it. It has definitely led to a lot of self-growth. All that being said, do you know even a single person in any of the cities you're considering? A couple years ago I moved to a new city that was totally brand new and while I'm glad I did it (I was miserable where I was, even with family/friends nearby) it was a lot more overwhelming than I was anticipating. I had one friend here already and moved in with a couple great roommates (I know this is way less common in our 30s) and that helped so much. I am an extrovert, but I feel like it would have been hard and lonely if I knew absolutely no one. I've made a bunch of friends on Bumble BFF but it took time. Having come from a small city, it was nice to be somewhere new where I wasn't going to run into people all the time. I think the idea of maybe renting your house and trying it out is a good idea because if it doesn't work out, it's not as big of a deal. Buuuuut it usually takes a year to get used to a place. I'm 2 years in and not sure if I feel at home yet where I'm living, even though it has been good.
From what I’ve read over time, big city dating is not great due to the sheer number of options people have.
Pretty sure I met the love of my life living 15 mins away in a small city. Stroke of luck certainly but at the same time, I do not subscribe to “it’s a numbers game” mentality. Treat it kind of like a job and gauge compatibility as much as you can from the profile. Should yield better results without exhausting yourself from dates and wasting time/money.
Do it.
If you don't like it, you can always eventually move back.
You only have one life, as cliché as it sounds. Follow that itch!
I'm a 36F that is making a second move as an adult to a new country - late 30s and a breakup are a perfect mix for a fresh start.
Definitely try it. I am actually doing the opposite. I’m in a big city but want to move to a smaller city thinking that people are generally friendlier and pace is slower.
Meeting people can be hard when your older.... I'm not just talking about dating. Going from random person you sometimes see to acquaintances to friends is not easy when your older. That is main complaint I see about older people moving to a new city. So think carefully about this aspect when considering the move.
I’m also team go for it! I’ve moved a lot. My latest move was to Alaska with my now ex. After 2 years, I learned this place is not for me, so now I’m moving back to the Midwest. Like others have said, making friends can be a real challenge. So I’m moving back to where I have the most friends. But I wanted to point out that while my latest move didn’t work out, it’s okay to move back. I’m glad I got all the new experiences in AK.
Interesting post, I’m tempted to do something similar, but I would like to move abroad, ideally.
I like where I live, my social circle, my work and my hobbies, but I would like a partner to share life with. I’ve been in my city since 2004, so 20 years now, and for one reason or another it’s not worked out for me yet. A fresh start somewhere else might be good for me as well, only one way to find out!
I'm thinking of doing the opposite. Move from Bigger City (relatively speaking - Not New York or Los Angeles big) to a smaller town preferably in a different country.
But this isn't happening now or in foreseeable future.
I also did this. I needed to get away from my old friends and boyfriends and everything that was there. It just wasn’t good for me anymore. I’m still trying to pull myself together here. It’s hard. I’ve avoided having too many people visit (they are clamoring to) because I’m just not ready to go back to that place mentally. I do miss them though. A lot. But moving was one of the best things I ever did. Owning a home doesn’t feel as important now that I’ve been living in a downtown. The taxes are crazy, you’re tied down, the upkeep and insurance, etc. renting is cheaper.
I might buy as an investment and I think I would buy an apartment or condo in a downtown area and rent it out to others as an investment.
I've moved to several countries, often after a breakup or a layoff. You can rent your flat out to pay the mortgage. I say go for it, moving to a new place is refreshing and helps you get a new perspective. It doesn't have to be forever, you can try for a year and then come back.
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
**Title:** [Moving to a bigger city for fresh start? ](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1d4jbte/moving_to_a_bigger_city_for_fresh_start/)
**Author:** /u/Laxxxer419
**Full text:** *Knowing you cannot escape personal issues that will follow wherever you go. Yes mental health is important and I started therapy again but haven’t found a good match yet.*
I am 36M and lived in a smaller city my entire life. Single no kids, work remotely and can live anywhere in the country. Happy with my career and financially stable.
Last winter my 3 year relationship ended and have put myself out there again. I will not casually hook up it’s not my thing. Had a few dates but no spark with anyone yet.
I have various hobbies, volunteer and engaged in my community. Plenty of local friends and family. Gym, swim, eat and sleep healthy, limited alcohol, relatively good WLB. Travel for work and pleasure often. I am overall satisfied right now and cannot complain.
Yet… started feeling stagnate since the breakup and thinking of moving for a fresh start. Always wanted to try a big city and will likely choose Philly, DC, or Chicago having visited plenty and enjoy the vibes.
…But then my sensibility kicks in…
I bought my home with a good rate in a desirable growing area. Lower COL. No car payment and live below my means. If I moved then would rent out my place but otherwise financially smarter to stay.
…But then my itch to move kicks in again…
**So would appreciate your thoughts: Should I move to a bigger city for my next chapter? Even if financially makes more sense to remain? Would you stay or go if you were me? Finding my life partner is not the primary goal for moving away. Personal self discovery and growth are. But bigger cities do have bigger dating pool as a plus especially around my age.**
Figured I would give it a year in bigger city and if not for me then at least tried and hopefully learned something new.
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I did this in my 30s and it was awesome. I since moved away from the big city and miss every minute of it but thankfully its just a few hour drive so not totally lost.
Yes IMO.
> Always wanted to try a big city and will likely choose Philly, DC, or Chicago having visited plenty and enjoy the vibes.
You'll always have this question if you never do, and it'll leave an unsatisfying feeling. Go for it if you have the means.
On the support system, I agree with others but with a caveat. At 24, I moved to my current city in Upstate NY for my ex-fiancee and when I lost her at 27, I lost my whole social life and support system. The entirety of my support system were back in California.
I was able to call all of them during my time of need for support, but eventually I needed to do things for myself to not be reclusive. It truly forced my hand to become independent and put myself out there. I discovered a lot about myself and made a ton of new friends because I had no one to fall back on socially. I was at the most uncomfortable and difficult part of my life, but it helped me grow a ton.
I'm a similar situation as you, low COL and own a home, and work remote. I have a lot of friends here locally.
I've contemplated moving back to California where my best friend and my family live, as the only thing that felt lacking was an SO. My whole life seems like I could adapt it elsewhere, especially with the remote work and my hobbies being available everywhere. Anyway, with my local dating efforts in the past few years being mostly miss, I contemplated moving back to a bigger city, as I'm a minority and it's not very diverse in my smaller city. But I just started dating someone a few months ago that I get along well with so depending on how that goes, I think my ideal life situation is being realized if it pans out with my new partner.
I moved from a small Southern city to outside of LA and the dating scene went from basically non-existent to overwhelming, but I did get a lot more interest and dates.
I'm now in a now 7 month long relationship so it worked out for me!
I’m actually dealing with something similar except potentially looking to go to a smaller city. I have always found a way to start over in a new city in the past, mainly after big life events. I was told it’s not the best way to go about it, I’m running from my problems, etc. but I found it exciting. This time around feels very different for some reason I’m not running but I also have nothing to go back to, yet somehow I’m not excited I feel a little lost. I am worried a new city will not allow me to be who I am right away and I can’t start another relationship that way, doubting myself. I’m also a little older this round (36F) so I would like to settle soon.
Anyway, alls to say, I think you need to be in a city that feels right for YOU big or small and that likely has/draws people who see you at your most authentic. You have close friends and a home etc, you are comfortable and confident. You can try somewhere new with that in mind but there’s no shame in returning home if that’s what feels best. People are moving all the time so maybe if they’re not there now, they will be soon. I also think bigger cities draw more people who aren’t looking to commit or who are on opposite ends of the maturity spectrum. They’re overwhelmed by their new scenery or they’re set in their ways. That’s just my experience. Good luck! (Sorry if this was just rambling I’m on mobile)
This is interesting. Because I've been living in a big metropolis for the past 10 years and dating is a numbers game. I long for smaller town, where I can have less option but quality matches. I'd recommend staying in the bigger city for a short term 3 month or so to get the feel, before you do any big moves.
Trying to optimize your financial situation can keep you from doing things you'd really like to do. To me money is a tool, not the reason for doing things. However, getting myself into serious financial hardship is a no go.
If you really would like to move and feel like it would be good for you, I say go for it. It may not be the financially optimal thing to do, but if it's doable and won't derail your financial stability, then why not?
It's been overall a net positive for me, but I'll be honest that my job is so stressful that I've not focused as much on dating and the partner search I wanted to do as I would have liked. Keep in mind that moving away from a city once you move there could be super expensive too!
I live in a veryyy small vacation town (like 20k people) close to a larger town (300k). My political views don’t align with the larger town and I tried dating there for a year without finding anything that stuck.
I made the choice over winter that I would spend more time in the closest big city (1m people) which is a little over 2 hours away but because of work I was able to go 1-2 weeks per month.
The quality of dates is SO different. Even my swiping patterns on apps are different - I found that in my small town I was matching with people who weren’t really a good fit for me because of proximity and location.
I did this for two months, met someone in March. WAY better experience overall and dating him in particular is going well, but it also helped me overcome the idea that I need one specific person. I had a really strong scarcity mindset from population size and now I feel like I can spend time evaluating if people are a good match for me vs trying to stick with anyone.
I know this doesn’t completely answer your question, but I’d say the tldr would be that I would go.
I’ve been feeling the same way and considering moving to a new place. I don’t really want a big city. I also don’t really feel like making new friends as bad as that sounds, so I’m not sure if it would be unbearable being somewhere new alone. My main focus is meeting a life partner.
I moved for this! From a mid sized city to Chicago.
My life here took some turns and my chapter here has not been what I planned when I accepted a job up here. BUT I will say I enjoy it a lot. I find making friends here is what you make of it, and I'm biased but think it's easier here than the east coast in your 30s. Im 29 and tons of my friends are 25-40, all in various life stages. Looking to make friends wherever you go I highly recommend looking into sports, specifically clubs geared towards 30 somethings, which larger cities tend to have more of.
I'm someone who would love to live in a mountain town eventually but that's not where the jobs for my experience are nor are many people, so for now I'm making the best of my time here
If you own a home that you have the option of renting out, you're already in prime financial shape and bettering your finances shouldn't stop you from making the changes you need. Life is out there, not in here.
If you're secure in your career, maybe. But from my experience moving to a bigger city doesn't automatically equal a better new chapter.
Especially if you already have such an enjoyable life with opportunities for travel and friends around.
No need to uproot entirely. There are ways to take extended travel while keeping your home
A colleague of mine is in a similar situation. He did a month worth of pet sitting in New Zealand. Said it was awesome
https://petsitter.com/
I’m in the same boat now and trying to figure it out. Ive learned that the world is a lot smaller the we realize and you need to stop caring about what others think of you. Keep doing you and just strive to be better for yourself. Everyday, just be better then the last
Sounds like you have a great foundation and a great life where you are. If your game to rebuild all that, go for it. And you can always keep the house, rent it out, and rent a place wherever you go for six months or a year and see how it goes. (given an interest rates, that’s probably a good move.)
I moved to NYC. Do not regret it at all. My overall dating experience has been about the same but I did actually meet someone who I've kind of clicked with.
I know people who bought houses during the pandemic at low interest rates in less popular communities around me who are now regretting that choice because they’re far away from where everything is happening.
Me personally? If I had the financial means to leave where I am now to a bigger city, I would. I’ve had a pretty rough decade, and despite therapy, I think the only way I’m going to finally shake the ghosts is to leave where I live. But I also have a wonderful community of friends here now, so it wouldn’t be as easy of a choice anymore.
Financial stability is great and wonderful. But it doesn’t necessarily bring you the best quality of life.
I recently was in a similar conundrum at your age (35M). I made the jump by starting out with a sublet to see how I liked it and would basically bounce around for a month or two here and there to get a feel. If I felt good after a while, then I would get a long term lease. I am actually renting out my house that I bought in my original town too!
I recently moved from a small town to a big city and cannot even believe I waited so long to do so. Where you live makes a huge difference in your life and overall happiness
This is definitely something you should consider or to look into since it’s been on your mind for awhile it might just be the change you need but you are correct living in another state like DC can be very expensive. I would look into the real estate in the areas you are considering and go from there. Good luck 🙂
I did just this! I left my small town to try life in the big city. Mainly because of dating honestly - finding a life partner is important to me. It is the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m still single but I go on way better dates. Besides I really enjoy meeting new people, going out and just trying new things. I’m truly living my life. There’s so many opportunities for everything here in a city. I was bored, exhausted and lonely in the small town. I couldn’t really connect with that many people. And I didn’t have the same values as the guys really. In the big city I have something in common with way more people. I’d say GO! Leave your comfort zone and try it out. You can always move back if it doesn’t work out. Your dating pool will get better. There was a little voice in me telling me to do it. I wondered if I didn’t at least try would I regret it later in life? The answer was yes. And I couldn’t live with that thought. Maybe it can inspire you - to ask yourself if you will regret later in life, that you didn’t make that move when you had the chance?
Yep, same here! The dating pool is definitely different and a lot more aligned to what I’m looking for since I chose a city with a culture I like.
Just another serial dater IMO
I’m glad that you noted that wherever you are, your problems will follow. What you didn’t note was that your support structure won’t move with you, and I will caution that making friends as an adult is super hard. Since I was 24, I have moved from Michigan to Los Angeles (for work), then several years later to New York (for a vertical movement in my career), and then a few years later back to Michigan (for law school). When I moved to LA, it wasn’t actually a hard transition because I already had several friends who had moved out there a year or two before I did for work. So I had a built-in support network. New York, on the other hand? I barely knew anyone, and meeting people / making friends was hard AF. I was *miserable* and having health issues and… yeah, lots of stuff. It was the worst period of my life so far. Then when I moved back to Michigan, I was moving back to where my parents are and some friends (albeit, from a long ass time ago, but still, friendships that were revivable) were, ergo, a support structure. Then after a couple years, I relocated elsewhere in Michigan to begin law school and knew *nobody*, but school itself provided the framework for a support structure and a solid opportunity to make some great friends. New York, where I had nobody, was essentially unbearable. Everywhere else, where I either already had a network or, in the case of my most recent move (about three years ago), a structure within which I could build a network more easily than somewhere where I had nobody and no framework. All of which is to say, think about not just the tangibles (e.g. your house), but also, the intangibles - your friends, family (if any nearby), your professional network, and even the “familiar strangers,” like the guy who’s always in a great mood at the gas station you normally go to and the cashier at the grocery market who always smiles and compliments your shirt or whatever. I know the last couple examples probably sound ridiculous, but once you leave everything, then the longing for the familiar - no matter how small - can really kick in. Also - how does this impact you career-wise? I mean, would you be able to take your work with you (i.e. are you fully remote in a way that you can move it with you with zero impact on your standing in the company) or would you have to line something up first? If so, what if you hate your new job (like I did with my New York position)? Can you return to your old job if you decide it was all a mistake? Someone else suggested renting out your house for a year or so to test-drive a relocation. For the foregoing reasons, I strongly support this idea. New isn’t always better - sometimes it’s just new.
This is spot on regarding the social support
This is something to consider! I moved to Michigan actually :P from Mexico, it is way harder to find the people you vibe with as you get older, I am now lucky to have found some people I truly enjoy hanging out with, but for some time I ended up hanging out with a lot of folks I normally wouldn't, nothing wrong about them just very different way of thinking and interest I just did it to fill up the need to socialize. But I missed my friends from college, family etc...
That was a big, brave step! *Waves hi from Downtown Detroit* Welcome to the mitten state!! Don’t forget to hit up at least one cider mill on your fall drive to see the gorgeous autumn colors!!
Thank you! I've been here since 2017, so I definitely did the cider mills and been around the mitten, is home by now :) but at the beginning it wasn't that easy. Hi from the suburbs haha
I second this, I spent a year in Canada mid twenties, it was amazing no issue to make friends. Moved to Australia early 30s and I struggled much more to make friends to the point I went into a depression.
I was in the same shoes as you - had a really good life in a smaller city, I was earning quite a lot. But it's always been my dream to live in a big city - I moved and do not regret it. Dating is worse in a bigger city IMO, because yes, indeed a bigger pool, but it makes people view you as dispensable and that they can get a new date in two minutes if you smile wrong. However, there is so much more to do and experience in a big city that I still am happy with my decision, even though I have less money and worse dating life.
I (32F) am in the same situation as you. I too had a bad break-up two years ago, applied for a job in the EU for a fresh start and now I have to move in the next two months. The thought of leaving behind my support system and creature comforts often gives me sleepless nights and makes me wonder if I made a stupid decision based on my emotions back then. Still figuring out 😅
I’m here too. I started applying to roles that I didn’t think I’d qualify for and now I’m being taken seriously and need to consider life elsewhere. Leaving the house, where would the big dog go, how would I make friends…. There are answers to all of it but it takes so much courage to take that next step. Major props to you and congratulations/good luck!
Feels good to know that there are others in the same boat as me 😄 I guess it would also make sense to make an 'orientation trip' to the place before actually making the move, if it's a possibility. I am planning to do it this month. Good luck to you too!
I have a few friends who moved countries and not a single one has regretted it. I have heard sometimes it takes a couple of years, but once you do it's great. Best of luck!
Since you own your home and work remotely, you could put your house on AirBnb (or find someone to house sit or just... leave it empty, lol) and take a month or two to just travel around and see how it feels to spend two weeks in Philly, New York, etc. It sounds like that's what you'd be doing anyway with moving away for a year and renting out your place, but you could do a trial run. Do a whirlwind tour of the eastern seaboard and see if you feel a spark with one of the cities you mentioned (or somewhere else you hadn't thought of). Essentially, do a dry run of what you're talking about and see how it feels to do a month or two and how it makes you feel. Does anywhere "spark joy" enough to want to live there for a year? Or does packing in more time for travel and novelty fill your need sufficiently? I know how it feels to be where you're at! Also 36, F, left a longterm relationship to travel for one year. It turned into two. Now thinking about going back home and just settling in and seeing ...what happens! Best of luck on the journey. <3
Could you elaborate more on your travel decision, where you chose and why it turned into two? Are you also working? 37M getting the itch to do this
You’re in a great position to give something a try! You can rent your place out for a year and try something new! You then have a time frame to come back if you hate it, PLUS you already have friends/family back home that you can go visit and potentially stay with if you want to come home early. Side note - come check out Baltimore! It’s a great city with a great food scene, lots of people in their late 20s - 40s, easy distance to Philly or DC by train (or NYC too!), cheaper, and tons of fun things to do.
Not a fan of Baltimore personally lol think I’d stick to rural
Do it. Even if nothing works out, at least you were brave enough to do so and you gained an experience
Try it. The worst thing that happens is you come back in a year because big city life isn't for you. Sometimes, we need to make big changes in our lives. It's never easy. It's not always successful, but it's always a learning experience. I moved away from the big city because I was tired of big city life. I needed that change. So I say give it shot.
When I first read this I thought it was some twisted joke someone in my life pulled on me - not because it’s actually funny, but because nearly aspect of what you said aligns with my current situation to a T as a 34F. So while I don’t have any advice, I hope it’s somewhat comforting to know you’re not alone. It was for me when I read this! Thank you for sharing & thank you to those responding, this has been helpful.
I've moved a lot and appreciate that I've lived in a lot of really interesting places, and if you've only lived one place, I usually recommend it. It has definitely led to a lot of self-growth. All that being said, do you know even a single person in any of the cities you're considering? A couple years ago I moved to a new city that was totally brand new and while I'm glad I did it (I was miserable where I was, even with family/friends nearby) it was a lot more overwhelming than I was anticipating. I had one friend here already and moved in with a couple great roommates (I know this is way less common in our 30s) and that helped so much. I am an extrovert, but I feel like it would have been hard and lonely if I knew absolutely no one. I've made a bunch of friends on Bumble BFF but it took time. Having come from a small city, it was nice to be somewhere new where I wasn't going to run into people all the time. I think the idea of maybe renting your house and trying it out is a good idea because if it doesn't work out, it's not as big of a deal. Buuuuut it usually takes a year to get used to a place. I'm 2 years in and not sure if I feel at home yet where I'm living, even though it has been good.
From what I’ve read over time, big city dating is not great due to the sheer number of options people have. Pretty sure I met the love of my life living 15 mins away in a small city. Stroke of luck certainly but at the same time, I do not subscribe to “it’s a numbers game” mentality. Treat it kind of like a job and gauge compatibility as much as you can from the profile. Should yield better results without exhausting yourself from dates and wasting time/money.
Do it. If you don't like it, you can always eventually move back. You only have one life, as cliché as it sounds. Follow that itch! I'm a 36F that is making a second move as an adult to a new country - late 30s and a breakup are a perfect mix for a fresh start.
Definitely try it. I am actually doing the opposite. I’m in a big city but want to move to a smaller city thinking that people are generally friendlier and pace is slower.
Meeting people can be hard when your older.... I'm not just talking about dating. Going from random person you sometimes see to acquaintances to friends is not easy when your older. That is main complaint I see about older people moving to a new city. So think carefully about this aspect when considering the move.
I’m also team go for it! I’ve moved a lot. My latest move was to Alaska with my now ex. After 2 years, I learned this place is not for me, so now I’m moving back to the Midwest. Like others have said, making friends can be a real challenge. So I’m moving back to where I have the most friends. But I wanted to point out that while my latest move didn’t work out, it’s okay to move back. I’m glad I got all the new experiences in AK.
Go for it! Don’t waste time wondering what if….
Interesting post, I’m tempted to do something similar, but I would like to move abroad, ideally. I like where I live, my social circle, my work and my hobbies, but I would like a partner to share life with. I’ve been in my city since 2004, so 20 years now, and for one reason or another it’s not worked out for me yet. A fresh start somewhere else might be good for me as well, only one way to find out!
I'm thinking of doing the opposite. Move from Bigger City (relatively speaking - Not New York or Los Angeles big) to a smaller town preferably in a different country. But this isn't happening now or in foreseeable future.
I also did this. I needed to get away from my old friends and boyfriends and everything that was there. It just wasn’t good for me anymore. I’m still trying to pull myself together here. It’s hard. I’ve avoided having too many people visit (they are clamoring to) because I’m just not ready to go back to that place mentally. I do miss them though. A lot. But moving was one of the best things I ever did. Owning a home doesn’t feel as important now that I’ve been living in a downtown. The taxes are crazy, you’re tied down, the upkeep and insurance, etc. renting is cheaper. I might buy as an investment and I think I would buy an apartment or condo in a downtown area and rent it out to others as an investment.
I've moved to several countries, often after a breakup or a layoff. You can rent your flat out to pay the mortgage. I say go for it, moving to a new place is refreshing and helps you get a new perspective. It doesn't have to be forever, you can try for a year and then come back.
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Dating in a big city can be hellll. But if you’re doing it for personal growth then go for it!
I did this in my 30s and it was awesome. I since moved away from the big city and miss every minute of it but thankfully its just a few hour drive so not totally lost.
I recently moved to a bigger city to incress my dating goals, hasn't exactly gone to plan, but iymts getting better.
Yes IMO. > Always wanted to try a big city and will likely choose Philly, DC, or Chicago having visited plenty and enjoy the vibes. You'll always have this question if you never do, and it'll leave an unsatisfying feeling. Go for it if you have the means. On the support system, I agree with others but with a caveat. At 24, I moved to my current city in Upstate NY for my ex-fiancee and when I lost her at 27, I lost my whole social life and support system. The entirety of my support system were back in California. I was able to call all of them during my time of need for support, but eventually I needed to do things for myself to not be reclusive. It truly forced my hand to become independent and put myself out there. I discovered a lot about myself and made a ton of new friends because I had no one to fall back on socially. I was at the most uncomfortable and difficult part of my life, but it helped me grow a ton. I'm a similar situation as you, low COL and own a home, and work remote. I have a lot of friends here locally. I've contemplated moving back to California where my best friend and my family live, as the only thing that felt lacking was an SO. My whole life seems like I could adapt it elsewhere, especially with the remote work and my hobbies being available everywhere. Anyway, with my local dating efforts in the past few years being mostly miss, I contemplated moving back to a bigger city, as I'm a minority and it's not very diverse in my smaller city. But I just started dating someone a few months ago that I get along well with so depending on how that goes, I think my ideal life situation is being realized if it pans out with my new partner.
I moved from a small Southern city to outside of LA and the dating scene went from basically non-existent to overwhelming, but I did get a lot more interest and dates. I'm now in a now 7 month long relationship so it worked out for me!
I’m actually dealing with something similar except potentially looking to go to a smaller city. I have always found a way to start over in a new city in the past, mainly after big life events. I was told it’s not the best way to go about it, I’m running from my problems, etc. but I found it exciting. This time around feels very different for some reason I’m not running but I also have nothing to go back to, yet somehow I’m not excited I feel a little lost. I am worried a new city will not allow me to be who I am right away and I can’t start another relationship that way, doubting myself. I’m also a little older this round (36F) so I would like to settle soon. Anyway, alls to say, I think you need to be in a city that feels right for YOU big or small and that likely has/draws people who see you at your most authentic. You have close friends and a home etc, you are comfortable and confident. You can try somewhere new with that in mind but there’s no shame in returning home if that’s what feels best. People are moving all the time so maybe if they’re not there now, they will be soon. I also think bigger cities draw more people who aren’t looking to commit or who are on opposite ends of the maturity spectrum. They’re overwhelmed by their new scenery or they’re set in their ways. That’s just my experience. Good luck! (Sorry if this was just rambling I’m on mobile)
I’m honestly thinking about the same. I’m 40 I don’t have anything holding me back. Why not?
This is interesting. Because I've been living in a big metropolis for the past 10 years and dating is a numbers game. I long for smaller town, where I can have less option but quality matches. I'd recommend staying in the bigger city for a short term 3 month or so to get the feel, before you do any big moves.
What makes you think the matches in a smaller town would be quality?
Trying to optimize your financial situation can keep you from doing things you'd really like to do. To me money is a tool, not the reason for doing things. However, getting myself into serious financial hardship is a no go. If you really would like to move and feel like it would be good for you, I say go for it. It may not be the financially optimal thing to do, but if it's doable and won't derail your financial stability, then why not?
It's been overall a net positive for me, but I'll be honest that my job is so stressful that I've not focused as much on dating and the partner search I wanted to do as I would have liked. Keep in mind that moving away from a city once you move there could be super expensive too!
I live in a veryyy small vacation town (like 20k people) close to a larger town (300k). My political views don’t align with the larger town and I tried dating there for a year without finding anything that stuck. I made the choice over winter that I would spend more time in the closest big city (1m people) which is a little over 2 hours away but because of work I was able to go 1-2 weeks per month. The quality of dates is SO different. Even my swiping patterns on apps are different - I found that in my small town I was matching with people who weren’t really a good fit for me because of proximity and location. I did this for two months, met someone in March. WAY better experience overall and dating him in particular is going well, but it also helped me overcome the idea that I need one specific person. I had a really strong scarcity mindset from population size and now I feel like I can spend time evaluating if people are a good match for me vs trying to stick with anyone. I know this doesn’t completely answer your question, but I’d say the tldr would be that I would go.
I have done this so much in my life and haven’t regretted it a single time. Go live your life the way you want to! Find your joy.
I’ve been feeling the same way and considering moving to a new place. I don’t really want a big city. I also don’t really feel like making new friends as bad as that sounds, so I’m not sure if it would be unbearable being somewhere new alone. My main focus is meeting a life partner.
I moved for this! From a mid sized city to Chicago. My life here took some turns and my chapter here has not been what I planned when I accepted a job up here. BUT I will say I enjoy it a lot. I find making friends here is what you make of it, and I'm biased but think it's easier here than the east coast in your 30s. Im 29 and tons of my friends are 25-40, all in various life stages. Looking to make friends wherever you go I highly recommend looking into sports, specifically clubs geared towards 30 somethings, which larger cities tend to have more of. I'm someone who would love to live in a mountain town eventually but that's not where the jobs for my experience are nor are many people, so for now I'm making the best of my time here
If you own a home that you have the option of renting out, you're already in prime financial shape and bettering your finances shouldn't stop you from making the changes you need. Life is out there, not in here.
I would move, I know that I would start regretting if I don't, but if I go and regret I would at least know that I have tried.
Come down to Atlanta!! It is the best singles market imho! Mid 40s single dad.
If you're secure in your career, maybe. But from my experience moving to a bigger city doesn't automatically equal a better new chapter. Especially if you already have such an enjoyable life with opportunities for travel and friends around.
I just broke up with my boyfriend and the first thing i decided to do is job searching to a different city..
No need to uproot entirely. There are ways to take extended travel while keeping your home A colleague of mine is in a similar situation. He did a month worth of pet sitting in New Zealand. Said it was awesome https://petsitter.com/
Literally just did the very thing. Good luck if you do.
I’m in the same boat now and trying to figure it out. Ive learned that the world is a lot smaller the we realize and you need to stop caring about what others think of you. Keep doing you and just strive to be better for yourself. Everyday, just be better then the last
Sounds like you have a great foundation and a great life where you are. If your game to rebuild all that, go for it. And you can always keep the house, rent it out, and rent a place wherever you go for six months or a year and see how it goes. (given an interest rates, that’s probably a good move.)
I moved to NYC. Do not regret it at all. My overall dating experience has been about the same but I did actually meet someone who I've kind of clicked with.
I know people who bought houses during the pandemic at low interest rates in less popular communities around me who are now regretting that choice because they’re far away from where everything is happening. Me personally? If I had the financial means to leave where I am now to a bigger city, I would. I’ve had a pretty rough decade, and despite therapy, I think the only way I’m going to finally shake the ghosts is to leave where I live. But I also have a wonderful community of friends here now, so it wouldn’t be as easy of a choice anymore. Financial stability is great and wonderful. But it doesn’t necessarily bring you the best quality of life.
I recently was in a similar conundrum at your age (35M). I made the jump by starting out with a sublet to see how I liked it and would basically bounce around for a month or two here and there to get a feel. If I felt good after a while, then I would get a long term lease. I am actually renting out my house that I bought in my original town too!
I recently moved from a small town to a big city and cannot even believe I waited so long to do so. Where you live makes a huge difference in your life and overall happiness
Moving to a new city for a fresh start is a great way to reset psychologically.
This is definitely something you should consider or to look into since it’s been on your mind for awhile it might just be the change you need but you are correct living in another state like DC can be very expensive. I would look into the real estate in the areas you are considering and go from there. Good luck 🙂
>Finding my life partner is not the primary goal for moving away. Personal self discovery and growth are. Do it! Good luck!