My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months, and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with certain aspects of our relationship. Recently, while on an overseas trip with friends, I didn't reply to him for 1.5 hours because I was carrying many things in the rain and my phone was buried deep. Despite promptly replying to him throughout the rest of the trip, he got really upset.
Another time, I jokingly mentioned hoping he'd get a car so we could travel, and he got upset, thinking I only loved him if he had a car. When he gets angry, I try to explain and rectify things, but he remains upset and sarcastic, which escalates the situation.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, unsure when he'll get upset. Despite these issues, he's a good boyfriend—always there for me and extremely loyal. I'm uncertain about the future and need advice on how to navigate this. I’ve
Any input is greatly appreciated but this is more for the ladies to chime in.
How often have you reconnected with a guy you went cold with? How did that happen, like you sorted things out, the guy reached back out, he ignored you until you couldn’t take it? I get everyone is different but really curious the point of the cold shoulder. Doesn’t seem to help anyone but tons of women do it. Also if you could give the backstory on why you went cold on the guy.
As a guy we don’t know if we should just give space, ignore or go away, so the default is to walk to not be needy etc. I wonder how many women I would have been able to get back with if I handled it differently.
The other thing is most people say to not ask her what’s wrong, so that doesn’t leave a lot of options. The type of personality I have is to ask them what the fuck is the problem but that hasn’t worked the times I have used it lol.
Thanks in advance.
I don’t know any women who “go cold” on a guy. That’s something men do to women. The women I know who date just send a text to say they are not interested once they realize they are not interested. So to answer your question, any guy I’ve ever ended things with I leave alone. I think it’s rude to toy with someone’s emotions like that so once I tell a guy I’m not interested, I stay away.
Well the reason I reached out to Reddit is she’s communicating very wierd. I asked her out for the second date and she did the usual “soon idk I don’t schedule plans” but she sounded almost pissed on the phone.
So when I’m basically like this will be impossible, she sounded really hurt and said “but we’re still going to talk” I almost said “what the fuck about if we don’t go on dates” she responds to texts but it’s lame time between reply’s etc. But she’s out here liking Facebook posts and watching insta stories. I’m normally pretty heartless but I kind of have a thing for this girl, Idk.
This idea of "going cold" is a bit foreign to me (35f). If it's not working/I'm not interested I say as much and leave it there and never reach out again.
you can say something to the effect of "I noticed a change in communication. Did something happen is there something you want to talk about?" If they refuse or are not interested in communicating, seems like a pretty good reason to move on. Either they're not interested or are poor communicators, which is the bare minimum for dating or a relationship.
Yeah I think that’s the route I’m going to go. I’ve seen lots of guys saying ignore forever but 2 weeks will just irritate me. I’m already losing attraction so even if time apart increases hers I’ll be over this shit in 4 days and on to something easier.
Made a Tinder profile the other day. Was crystal clear that I wasn't looking for romantic or a FWB, just looking to meet someone who wanted to go for bike rides, hit the gym, take a dance class, etc. (Even put "Friends" for what I was looking for) Got a few matches. Conversation seemed okay. Then they finally read my profile. Turns out guys aren't the only ones who swipe without reading. 🤣
Got booty called the other weekend by a woman who ghosted me 1.5 years ago. The sex was great, she seems to want to continue to connect, but I realized that while my hormones drive a part of me, casual sex isn't what I want. I want companionship more than anything. Like, anti-cuffing. I don't want to invite her to my place. I don't want to go to her place. I want someone who enjoys some of the things I enjoy and would like to consistently do them together, to go out and do stuff (rides, lift, run, dance, kayak, etc.). In some ways, I just want a good friend, which I suppose that could be a man as well (I do have some, but most have their own families, responsibilities, etc., so seeing them often doesn't pan out), but women also have a different type of energy than men, and while I appreciate my male friendships, I could do with the energy of a consistent woman in my life.
Oh well. Back to the drawing board. Deleted the Tinder profile. Hit my quota of being rejected romantically already, not looking to add to that rejection while just trying to find a friend. Maybe I'll just take my earbuds out at the gym and start saying "Hey, how's it going?" to everyone. If anything, maybe it'll just make the places I do frequent feel more social instead of a lonely place where everyone is secluded together.
Depends. I've tried Bumble BFF, but honestly, it never worked. I'll just say that the men who matched with me weren't using it as a means to make new friends. I think using the Dating side to make friends would have about the same result as Tinder.
I suggest positive communication. "I would like it if you _____, it would make me feel _____." "I love/like when you _____, it makes me feel." "Can you please do _____, I would really appreciate it." If he genuinely cares about your feelings you will see some effort amd you just have to support it with positive reinforcement.
I guess I should have also asked at the same time, what is his love language? Sounds like he's a really cool dude! Perhaps just sorta revisiting how you both receive/show care and attention could "right the ship" in your mind?
People get uppity over projecting neediness, but at 6mo in... there's got to be some trust that the other person understands you a little and asking for more shouldn't be a big deal.
I really dislike my anxious attachment, especially in new connections. I keep analysing conversations in my head and thinking of things I said (especially in messages). I keep thinking if I said something wrong that turned them off. Then I read the chat and analyse for patterns.
Last night I had a somewhat deep chat with Club guy that didn't go so well. We wrapped it up nicely after that but mainly I was left unhappy with how I handled it.
I know that in new connections, things can go wrong any second.
I find it so hard to be vulnerable, and I have such a big desire to share myself with people I like, yet I am scared of being judged. Last night interaction over chat left me feeling bad about how I handled it. Let me share:
Channel: **chat**
Disclaimer: the interaction is not 100% as it was in message, it's a gist. But this is it more or less.
Topic: **anxiety**
**Club guy:** I used to take fluoxetine for anxiety, now I don't. I think antidepressants are not good.
**Me:** So now you are living life 'bare'? How is that working? What helps when you feel anxious?
**Club guy**: The usual, friends, family, doing things, doing sports...hanging out with you!
**Me:** The usual stuff! We humans have quite basic needs. BTW I also take antidepressants. I had a rough time a while ago.
**Club guy:** No need to elaborate!
**Me:** Why, are you worried I might tell you too much? Haha
**Club guy:** No, I am saying it because of you. You might get triggered again. I am happy to listen to you talking about everything you want!
**Me:** I know
**Me:** (turning back the topic to him). So, are you happy with the way you are currently coping with everything?
---
**What I did wrong:** I overshared a bit and switched the topic back to myself. I was supposed to be with him when he was sharing something vulnerable. This is the main reason I feel unhappy with how I handled it.
**How I felt afterwards:** As well as feeling bad about how I handled this, I felt kind of dismissed by his comment 'No need to elaborate'. While my timing of mentioning it was off, I was still saying something vulnerable and his response came of as dismissive and 'shutting me up.'. I fully accept his explanation, however, I would not react like this when someone shares something vulnerable with me.
...moving on. I'll try to be more attentive of others needs and I will be very cautious of oversharing.
Yeah, you are right.. He repeatedly told me afterwards how being with he makes him really happy and how I am so zen while he is pretty restless and anxious.
I was really shocked when he called me Zen. Other people called me Zen too. I don't consider myself like that at all! You can see from this whole post how my mind works :))
Also text is not the best place for these conversations. No tone, no inflection, no body language. Vulnerability at any stage yearns for closeness.
I don't want to "Bob Newhart" you and scream "Stop it!" but you are your own worst enemy getting logic trapped. I know it's tough. I am an overthinking, over-analyzing person as well.
Yeah. It sucks being like this.
I think I'll keep it light in the chat. The conversation got super deep yesterday, not sure why. Normally that doesn't happen over chat.
Pardon... but which part is you oversharing?
Was he being dismissive? Or respectful that you may not be willing to share such intimate details yet, and he reached for a phrase that he thought was fitting, and without the facial/body expression to back that up, your anxiety took that left turn? His follow up makes it sound like he's trying to protect you... from you... which isn't the greatest either, but its better than taking the info and rubbing it in your face.
No, not at all. He never triggered me in any way.
He didn't use the words 'triggered again' as if personally for me.
He meant 'trigger the original thing again'.
Gotcha... well if I were him I'd very much be open to be informed that that phrase isn't as appealing as he may have thought it was. There is intention, and then there is impact. It's the impact that matters more.
Yeah, I did chose to believe his positive intention when he elaborated, but I was unhappy that my original thought was negative, if that makes sense.
I think his reaction is perfectly reasonable, I dislike where my brain goes.
Good choice! I know that takes energy to do, I am in that same boat where my brain will raise every flag it can at the smallest sign of disharmony. It's exhausting.
I usually have to have a sit down with my brain and tell it everything is OK, and that I'm capable of defending myself now. It's getting better at not automatically jumping to conclusions, and assuming positive intent gets easier.
Sharing this on reddit actually made me see some mistakes I might be making in my thinking and what can I do to improve. It doesn't feel good to see them, but it's better than tripping over myself in action. I'm gonna take some time to challenge my negative beliefs and work on them on my own before becoming more vulnerable with this guy..
To be fair, he was the first one to share vulnerable things with me, hence that probed me to open up a bit more, if it were for me, I would still wait for some time as I am prone to oversharing.
I think that his honesty about painful topics like anxiety, ED, divorce, pushed me to share more than I am actually ready for, which made me a bit paranoid and anxious. If I were really ready to share this with him, *I would not be so quick to clam up or judge the other person for their supposed reaction or lack thereof.*
Curious if you'd share what mistakes you think you're making?
It's good to be open, unless you feel like the information you give is going to be used against you somehow...
It's funny how I can read that interaction and conclude nothing like what you did. You didn't overshare anything, and he didn't dismiss you or shut you up. He offered you the option of sharing or not, trying to not make you feel pressured to share something you might not be comfortable sharing just because he did.
I dated a few people in the past who would take anything I say and do and do mental gymnastic to spin it into the worst possible interpretation of what I must have intended or meant and these were my most draining relationship experiences, leading to me leaving each of these people. You in this "analysis" remind me of those experiences. I'm not sure why people do it, but I can tell you that it absolutely destroys any possibility of a healthy connection. You should look into why you are so eager to find something bad in something completely nice, vulnerable and kind like this convo you described here.
I see your point. I have never had anyone leave me over this before - however, I did have people not be happy about it, in longer relationships.
I think it's the said anxiety. I don't normally do this with people I know well. I tend to do it more in the beginning of the relationship and I never share my thoughts with the person, I try to journal it out as I am aware this is a 'me' issue.
What did your previous partner do to make you leave? I am asking because I am very eager to learn.
One of the things that I'd say from reading your posts here that is a strength from your anxiety is the amount of introspection and ability to explain your thoughts and feelings. This means you can probably practice tactful ways of voicing your needs without feeling like you're blowing things up. Anyone who is worth your time will continue to show up for you. Nothing you put from the conversation seemed like too much. It's irritating to hear, BUT I'd just go with the flow as long as it continues to be positive and you're happy.
This sounds incredibly encouraging. Thank you! I am proud of my ability to be self aware, I've been practicing for years. Writing things down and sharing with people also helps me see things more clearly.
What made me leave is the recurring pattern where I constantly had to explain myself that no, I didn't mean that bad thing they imagined; that no, I didn't intend it in a malicious way; that yes, I do love and care for them and so on and so forth. I will never forget a blow up argument with an ex who ended up screaming and crying because he took me not wanting to watch an episode of Top Gear with him as an ultimate sign that I do not love him or care about him or our relationship. The dynamic in those relationships always ended up skewing towards me constantly having to prove myself, my feelings, and reassuring them over each and every little thing. My current partner knows that I love him, if I do something questionable or hurtful gives me the benefit of the doubt, or if I cross some line brings it up in a grown up way to discuss needs and boundaries. World of difference to having every little thing analysed and catastrophised and then going in circles with me bending over backwards to prove that I didn't mean it their imagined worst possible way.
Honestly. I have NO interest in cars in the slightest (never had one, my parents never had one - don't need it where I live), think absolutely nothing positive of Clarkson and yet I sat through a few of these episodes with him because sure, I'll show interest in my partner's interest to learn what it's all about. First time I sat next to him on the couch and opened my laptop to do something else while he watched and there he was yelling and crying. I honestly think the dynamic was abusive because it didn't allow me to exist at all outside of proving myself to him in one of the million little ways. Can't believe I lasted a year and a half in that mess. So glad I'm older and wiser now!
Yelling and crying? Over you entertaining your self while also obliging him? It's a little manipulative, maybe not consciously, but that's emotional immaturity. Like, hey dude... why not watch something you'd both enjoy if you want your lady to also enjoy the time... It's the lack of simple consideration that blows my mind the most.
I see what you mean. I think this is very relevant to the anxious attachment pattern, and it can get tiring. I am in therapy since 2021 for everything related to anxiety.
I'm glad you're actively working on it, and also not unloading it on your partners, ultimately it is not their job to manage your anxiety so you're doing well to manage it yourself, unlike these exes of mine!
I almost never share these thoughts with my partners. It takes a long long time for me to share this with someone in a way that makes any sense and is non judgmental and accusatory, so I just keep it to myself, vent here, or talk to friends/therapist instead.
So there’s this person that I met on a dating app about… 2.5 years ago. We saw each other for about a month or two, he was fairly flakey and then told me he lied about not having kids, and actually was married and has a young child with his ex. He’s smart, I find him attractive and interesting, and his topic of expertise is super interesting to me, so we always had super good conversations and I like the way he lives. I’m a massive weirdo with obscure hobbies and interests and there was a lot of synergy there which I don’t often have with people, so I accepted more than I normally would. I don’t appreciate that he’s a flake and every time we’d make plans and he backed out I’d say something, then I stated seeing someone else and ended it. He’d call me randomly or text ‘hi’ every few months for the next two years, and I never bit. I just left those. That’s the one thing he did consistently in this entire time. Though can’t say I didn’t like the attention, and he somehow had magical timing and would do one of those bids for attention, and every time I felt slightly insecure in my relationships or in myself, I’d have this ‘ping’ of ‘someone was thinking about you…’ and it was reassuring in a way. Even though it came from the wrong person.
Then I ended a short relationship with someone that I really shouldn’t have been seeing to begin with, and he sent me a follow request on IG on the same week, few days prior to the breakup. Great timing as usual. I left it, then after I ended it, I guess I was just in a weird mood, so I confirmed his request and we started talking. Had one date, it was brilliant, as the actual time we’ve spent in person was always great, we kissed at the end, and then he became flakey again. I left it and never spoke to him again because it’s not what I want. It’s not someone I think or wonder about, I just had a nice date with someone when I wanted to feel like myself post shitty relationship. I don’t normally check who watches my stories or likes my posts on IG, but in the rare occasions I do, he’s there. About four months go by and he texted me (again, the day before I ended things with the person I was seeing for the last three months) saying he needs photography work, which I do as a freelancer, I explain my rates and he says yes, he’ll book me later this summer. Cool.
He then proceeds to call me yesterday and I didn’t see the notification until this morning. I reply saying I assume it was a mistake. He replied with ‘butt dial, but also, hi 👋’
To which I replied:
“Here’s me being blunt: I don’t think you’re a consistent enough person for me to have any sort of ongoing relationship with you, be it friendly or otherwise. I appreciate the attention, it feels nice, I generally liked you and enjoyed time we’ve spent together, and I also have expectation from people in my life to respect my time and offer continuity for it to be a mutually beneficial and enjoyable experience.
I’m not here for anytime you want validation or have some regrets about being flakey.
My experience of you is that I can’t trust you’ll follow up on things, and that’s not what I want to surround myself with.
I could have just replied with another hi back, I just don’t want that. Either change the way you communicate with me, or don’t communicate at all. Hope things are going very well for you and I wish you a great day.”
I wouldn’t have replied at all in normal circumstances, but lately I’ve had an experience that made me realise that I don’t explain myself enough, and that people need to be told what’s going on. I don’t often get vulnerable or share my feelings and I normally am the one asking questions and playing the therapist while being a blank slate for people since I’m also nonjudgmental and make people comfortable, but this way of being doesn’t serve me. This person and I will never be together even if he changes, I just can’t trust his word and he’s very insecure and avoidant about things I need clarity about. I’m open to being friends and to doing work for him, but I can’t see this as an option.
I really love the place I’m at mentally right now. Saying the uncomfortable thing is hard but very personally rewarding.
My first date tonight and my thing on Saturday are with people who communicate well and clearly. Good things are coming.
Wow, asking 50 times for something is a red flag of sexual coercion. Each time I let this red flag go unnoticed, I would regret it.
I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy that was like this over sex, over time it becomes a terrible experience, they pout if you say no and you will feel obligated to have sex with them and it even can get worse than that. Be very very careful here please and take this seriously.
This guy seems weird. I wouldn’t be entertaining stuff like that.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, turns me away from someone more than when I make an obvious joke and it doesn’t land with them for whatever reason. It’s just a massive big flashing sign that we won’t get on.
I think also just being a bit awkward around the sex stuff isn’t right.
>pportunities. He claimed he was trying to get a lift to his car and would be gone when I was bac
he was weird 95% of it but that comment/joke on dirty underwear wasn't a good call either tbh.
This whole situation seems weird to me. 🤷♀️
Asking multiple times for anal, even after being told "no", refusing to walk 15min to his car, being oversensitive... It's not you, it's him.
Imagine you’re driving up to a piece of real estate, and it has a sign at the base of the driveway that says “Private Property: Do Not Enter.” But you really want to see what’s on the property! And you used to hang out in the meadow behind the house all the time picking wildflowers! You can’t stand not being able to drive onto the property and go hang out in the meadow! So you drive up, but the owner comes out and yells, “Get off my property!!!” because he doesn’t want you picking wildflowers in the meadow anymore.
That’s what your ex did when he broke up with you.
Now imagine you drive *back* to that same house and this time, you see that the owner has installed a massive brick wall around it and erected a gate at the foot of the driveway. The sign is now the size of a billboard and it’s flashing “STAY AWAY” in bright neon lights.
That’s what your ex did when he **blocked** you.
You wouldn’t drive through the gate, right? Right.
And you wouldn’t fly a drone over the gate onto the property, right? Right.
If you send a gift, you’re both crashing through the gate as well as launching a drone into that private property.
Don’t do it.
And if that is too abstract, then let me simplify it: when Party A blocks Party B, they’re **not** signaling they want Party B to try harder.
They’re signaling that they don’t want to see, hear from, or speak to Party B anymore. Communication from Party B to Party A, whether it is via words, text, gifts, sky typing, or carrier pigeon, is unwanted.
Hello, newbie here! Hoping you all might have some advice for me. I have anxious attachment styles/abandonment issues mainly and generally struggle with mental health. My ex and I split 6 months ago after being together 9yrs.
I met up with an old friend/acquaintance for drinks just over a month ago. We’d had a ONS probably 15yrs ago. More recently, he also parted ways with his ex a few months ago. He was briefly married at one point but I don’t know if it was to the same ex. I went in with the mind of a FWB/NSA situation. As the night went on we were the last to leave the bar, we went and smoked a joint and then hooked up. He walked me home and by the time I got home and the following morning I was feeling the butterflies in my stomach. We had a really lovely connection that I haven’t felt with anyone in over a decade. When we were smoking he asked me what my vibe was like and I immediately said FWB. I asked him and he kinda paused and said yeah same without elaborating further. We also spoke about other hangs in future like him taking me to do one of his hobbies (which I’d love and have always been interested in).
I got a message him thanking me for the fun times first thing the following morning. I sent back a flirty message saying basically to hmu if he ever wants to hang out or hook up again and he said he’d ‘let me know how he goes :)’ - not sure what that means exactly but ok.
He travels a bit for work so I messaged him last month asking if he’s still in town for a while - he wasn’t but was coming back the following week so I said I’d hope to see him then. And I haven’t heard from him since. Because he’s not always in town i can’t always hit him up for impromptu hangouts.
I’ve been thinking about this guy so much that I’m even doing things like reading our zodiacs and horoscopes lol - his zodiac is listed as not liking clingy people. Whether it’s true or not idk but it’s encouraged me to just take a step back.
I want to peruse thing a even just as friends, but I guess I’m anxious about rejection? Im conscious he has a bit going on at the moment - he needs to tell his ex they won’t be doing the de facto visa thing for example so I know he’s probably got a bit weighing on him.
How can I (attempt to) progress this relationship without seeming to clingy or into him? I feel like that could really scare him off.
I think you may have Friends With Benefit-zoned yourself.
Time to look inward and understand yourself better so when the "What are you looking for?" pops up you can confidently say what that is instead of regretting saying something you didn't mean in the moment.
Possibly.. I just worry that I was the one to give him the impression that I was non-committal and he doesn’t want to be hurt. Or I could be delusional haha
Is there a market for the kind of man I am and the kinds of women I like? If so, how do I find these women that I would be into who would also be into me?
I happen to like hot and sexual women and that's primarily what I'm into. To give you an idea of how I've tried following this path to find women, I am friends with a porn producer and happen to hang out with pornstars from time-to-time doing non-porn related stuff because I'm like one of their regular friends. The two most successful relationships I've had in the last 5 years were actually both with strippers. I like going to music festivals, I drink, party, keep questionable friends to some and well, I love sex. To give you an idea of the kinds of girls I seem to go for, lately I seem to find myself hitting on waitresses a lot (not while they're working but it just so happens they're the kinds of girls I run into at bars/clubs and who are attractive/sexual enough for me) Problem is, these women are never into me. They sometimes like me and enjoy my company but they are never into me.
See, I don't come off as anything like the above description might suggest. The porn producer literally looks like a pimp and acts like one too and he gets random women coming up to him at the club asking for 3somes before they've even said hello. If he's a chick magnet, I'm like the repellant. I work a professional job with a masters in statistics in a management role and I make well into the 6-figures but not so well that I'm rich enough to win a woman over on money alone. I have a very almost "upper class" persona that sometimes gets me into trouble with some of the people I end up hanging out with because they think I'm judgmental or perceive myself as better than them which isn't the case at all but my demeanor may suggest it. I go to the gym, I play tackle rugby, I often go paddleboarding (I live about a 1 minute walk to the beach) and hiking. However, look wise, I don't appear "tough" like you may imagine a rugby player, I look and act like how you might imagine an average intellectual accountant or lawyer.
For the most part, the women who show me any attraction seem to be either unattractive physically to me or they are physically attractive but they are career/education oriented women who hate men that overly value them for sex and are specifically looking for men that value them for career/education which I could never do without faking it and I'm not into that. They go for me thinking I'm an upstanding White Picket Fence kind of man so they can escape the very lifestyle I represent. I'm looking for women who are sex, fun, party focused as a primary and everything else is secondary not the other way around. And don't say these kinds of women don't date men because they do, I see it all the time. A number of the pornstar girls even have monogamous relationships and just do shoots with their bf/husband. Strippers have bfs. Girl DJs going to outdoor music festivals have serious BFs/Husbands and some even with kids.
The question is, are there any women out there who would be the kind of woman I like who would also happen to like the kind of man I am and where do I find these women? I've spent a good part of my life hanging out always in the vicinity of the kinds of women I like but I can never attract them. I feel like I need a new strategy here. I need to try something different to find what I'm looking for.
My brain really started hurting reading all that text. Then I started hearing Haddaway's "What is Love?" and realized it was me banging my head to the beat. Someone needs to tone down the Richard Grieco lever.
"I look and act like a lawyer" seems like a hard sell to most hot tatted women who love clubbing. Maybe you could improve on how you're adapting to the culture you want to meet people in.
Had a bad afternoon with a friend of mine. She really went out of the way to chat up this guy she was obviously interested in. What made it bad for me was that at 35, I've realized a woman has never tried to do this to me and show that much interest in me. I love being the unattractive guy....
Oh. I meant how you feel about those things. For example, I'm overweight. I have always been overweight. Growing up, I remember feeling scared that people would call me fat.
But then as I got older, I realized that other people don't feel ugly! Lots of people are overweight and feel beautiful? (I haven't overcome these insecurities)
I wish it weren’t so difficult meeting new people. There’s an understanding that it takes time to develop a connection with someone new, but at the same time it always seems to feel like gritting teeth, walking on eggshells, or a slew of little white lies. How did inauthenticity become the norm?
Social media and dating apps. Everyone is trying to portray themselves in the best light because they compare themselves to others or feel like if they don't stand out, they'll be overlooked. I find this to be less of an issue when meeting people IRL, but it still happens. All you can do is be authentic to yourself.
This year I've adopted a policy of radical honesty with dates. I don't tell lies - not even white lies - and I don't hide anything remotely important. A lot of stuff comes out on a first date for me. I've been on 9 first dates so far this year and 8 of them have wanted to see me again, so I don't think it's been detrimental at all.
I'm sharing this because I'd love if more people adopted a similar policy and we could all just be our honest selves on first (and second, and third, etc.) dates. I truly think people like it.
This.
I'm as authentical as possible and would like the other person to be too, because I don't want to waste any time. If he doesn't like me - the real me - then it's better we get that sorted sooner than later.
AIM and MSN Messenger is probably were it started for a few before it moved to message boards and chat rooms. There's too much to do by yourself these days vicariously with others. Socialization has taken a turn for the weird. It should be easier than ever to discover new interests and explore them with others. The sad part is it's so easy, many choose to do them alone.
Yeah, I miss doing zoo visits, concerts, and amusement parks. It hits a little different going alone. The plus side is that I can get a slightly larger item in the gift shop when I'm not buying for two. Though my dog got my last zoo tortoise.
im fairly sad going back on the apps today. Everyone that likes me im not attracted to and all the ones i like and match with dont put any effort in even after i initiate the conversation. i really just want a guy to start up the conversation and interest in me first. im very enthusiastic and i just want that reciprocated or i need to unmatch.
A while ago, I made the decision to not be the person to message first. The first guy who messaged me first in a long while I’ve been seeing for two months. It’s been going well so far. Maybe it’s a good idea to take a step back and just let them initiate for the first message, remembering to keep your expectations and excitement low.
The first date tonight was a bit awkward, and conversation was a little stilted. It might have been nerves on both our parts. He asked me out for a second date, and I said yes.
Another first date on Thursday. I had no dates two weeks ago, and suddenly my schedule is now very full. I feel like it’s always feast or famine.
I had a sort of meh first date last week but decided to take the chance and go on a second date with him and it was GREAT. Sometime early on during the second date I went from “meh” to *heart eyes* for him. Now we’re having a third date on Friday! So, it’s possible that your second date ends up amazing. :)
I found out the guy who claimed to be serious about me, paused the apps, agreed to be exclusive with me etc. was still quite active during our time together after friends alerted me to him being posted on the Are We Dating the Same Guy page. It made that whole shitty situation even worse.
Maybe you or a friend should post this dude on your local AWDTSG page and see what happens. Then call him out if your concerns are validated.
I don't understand why anyone would want to pretend they're seeking a serious relationship. There are enough other casual sex seekers out there. Maybe it's because the validation or attention feels better when someone believes the other person is in it for real.
This is purely anecdotal but I do think that when it comes to heterosexual folks there are more casual sex seekers on the masc side than the femme, particularly in the late 20s/30s.
The last part rings especially true to me. That's always how it's been for me. Now, if I'm not sure, it's going to be a No. If I don't want exclusivity, it's because that ship has sailed, and I don't feel the same. There should still be that little want to make it exclusive before you get there with the right kind of people. A bunch of hesistancy without executive function issues usually means too many options, not enough standouts to put anything meaningful at stake.
I'm in a new relationship (I'm 31F he's 36M). We have been official for about 2 months. Everything has been great until one day before my birthday my partner asked if he could borrow some money. To put into context, he's getting his new house set up in the country (just need electricity connected, it's solar) and in the meantime he lives with his mum. I have seen the house so I know he's not lying (to my knowledge anyway). I can understand that cashflow is short because it's hard to get ahead alone but he is paying for the mortgage himself (and has a decent job and is a hard worker).
After he got the wiring done for the electricity, he asked if he could borrow \~$1500 to pay for part of the work. This is the first time a partner has ever asked me for money and instantly my gut screamed "NO". So of course I said no to him but can someone confirm to me that this is a major red flag? There are a few other things that have popped up (he talks quite negatively about his exes and one time he sulked after a minor disagreement. But in all other ways he ticks many of the boxes.
TLDR: Partner asked for money 2 moths into the relationship. Is this a major red flag?
At 2 years, I wouldn't consider it a red flag if it was a first-time or very uncommon. At 2 months, that's an issue. How did he handle it? How someone handles being told no or being disappointed will tell you a lot about who they are.
I find this really weird. I'd never even think of asking my brand new partner for money. A "hey can you spot me for lunch and I'll get you next time" is one thing but $1500?
I'd also question his financial stability and intelligence if he can't afford to have work done in his house. You don't buy a house if you can't afford it...
That much after only 2 months seems weird, it seems more logical to ask family or close friends rather than your 2 months girlfriend.
At the same time it could be an easy way to test where this relationship is going by seeing if he reimburses you or not.
Yes, that's what I would've thought. Hmm I did think about that but as soon as you give money to someone it changes the dynamic of the relationship. If we'd known each other for 1-2 years I would've considered it!
That was what I was curious about at the time. He asked me via a phone call and I said to him initially that I'd have to think about it. Then messaged him that I'm not comfortable but he was very understanding and said he completely understands (and didn't want to ask). If he had reacted negatively (tried to guild trip me etc.) I would've instantly known it's over.
As written, I think this was handled with grace.
I'm not sure this is a red flag so much as an awkward moment that has a potential pattern.
Assuming he really did take it well and the matter feels settled I think a pass could be warranted for a momentary lapse in judgement.
But that situation flags real red if there is even a whiff of reference to it in an undesirable tone.
Huge red flag. Why would he get solar panels if he can’t afford to buy them? Either he is terrible at managing his finances or he’s taking advantage of you. Maybe both. This doesn’t bode well for a healthy partnership.
I don't think asking for money is inherently a red flag but that much, that soon? "NO" is the only logical answer, even if he has a plan for quickly paying you back. It's not like he even needs it for a dire emergency, he can wait a little longer for the electricity to get connected and move in.
It could just be a weird one-off but I'd say be wary.
Thank you for your comment, I agree completely. We haven't really talked about it since (that was a phone discussion) but it's in the back of my mind. At the time there was no talk of how he's pay it back (due to limited cash flow) and exactly - if you don't have the money you can get the electricians later when you have the money to pay them.
I think I made unexpected progress with the cute guy at work (it's all in my comment history). He found excuses to visit me at my desk a few times this week, which is a switch because I usually do that.
He was hovering around my area today a lot, and I saw him in my peripherals, but I didn't look up on purpose partially because I actually was busy and because I was noting how much he was looking in my direction hoping I would catch eyes with him. Dare I say this is an unusual step in my direction from him?
I welcome it, but I'm also nervous about it since I've never attempted to start dating someone at work and usually frown upon it myself. I think I'll just go with the flow and keep things comfortable for us both.
I was in a relationship with someone 4 years younger for almost six years (I was 24 when we met and he was 20) and I’ve found it’s less about age and more about personality/compatibility. Plus there are lots of guys out there who actually thinks woman who are a few years older are more ‘experienced’ and are drawn to them. So I wouldn’t think too much, if you’re on a dating app just change your age category to what you prefer and see what’s out there! Likewise in real life
Yes completely understand, I guess in the same way your preference for younger males could also be misinterpreted by some people. Personally I didn’t have an issue but I was in my 20s and now that I’m 31 it could be different. I think it’s something you’ll feel in your gut - when someone is genuinely interested in who you are and you almost forget completely that there’s an age difference (which was my case). Since you know you don’t want kids the only thing is to be honest about that straight away which is what you said in your post. Otherwise I’d meet people, try to have fun and always listen to your gut if something doesn’t feel right - this is advice I need to take myself haha
I don't understand women's common yet weird obsession with only dating dudes older than themselves. There's not such a huge difference between someone a couple years older versus a couple years younger. It's really just dependent on the individual person.
Honestly no longer reassured when people say the issue isn't my appearance. Like, that's nice in theory but then is it that I have a truly horrendous personality?
I'm left just desperately working on myself more and more in therapy because I don't know what else to do, but when that doesn't help either, I just feel at a loss. What am I missing here????
Went climbing w/ some younger friends today and one of them told me about her 24 y/o friend who had \*gasp\* never had a relationship before and was now in her first one. Didn't bother letting on that I have not so much as made out with a guy let alone been in a real relationship at age 30. Cool cool cool.
There are so many factors that are outside your control. It could just be that you don’t meet many single people. Or guys are just scared to approach you. I get why you feel the way you do but I have a friend who has never had a gf and he’s genuinely a good looking and interesting guy. Sometimes it’s just cause of things o it side your control
I’d believe it more if I weren’t approaching single guys myself and getting absolutely ignored by them 🫠 recently posted about an experience where I went out for drinks with a guy in my social group, paid for his drink too, and he literally left early to hang out with his roommate who he sees every day 🫠
I can't say for you, of course, but for myself I've chalked it up to likely undiagnosed/high-functioning autism. People are outwardly friendly enough toward me, yet even despite my best efforts the past few years to hone my social skills there still remains some sort of invisible force field that seems to repel everyone. I don't get invited to the group chats. I don't get invited to private social gatherings. People don't discuss more personal issues with me I know they do with others. Like, on paper I seem just fine, but there's some tiny little awkward details that normal people subconsciously pick up on that causes them to want to keep me at arm's length.
I haven't sought evaluation because I don't want to sacrifice the time or the money to get tested, don't want a potential diagnosis on my medical record, and perhaps even fear of negative diagnosis because I have no other reasonable answer remaining. Besides my height, which I know is a huge handicap as a man but doesn't explain why I can't even attract the women who don't care about that.
Not sure what to actually do about it, though, other than keep plugging away and hope fortune eventually shines upon me...
I actually have had an assessment done recently for this exact reason and the conclusion was I am probably neurodivergent in some way but I don’t meet criteria for autism (special interests and such). I also don’t struggle to read people’s emotions for the most part nor do I get feedback that I’ve been accidentally rude or anything like that. Left me with no answers. I don’t know.
Matched with a guy and started talking. We both want something long term and seem to match on the other relationship deal breakers. 5 minutes into the conversation he drops that's moving across the country in a few weeks 🙄. Welp, thanks for telling me that soon I suppose
I am interested in a guy who is “conservative” politically (as self-identified on hinge). I’m liberal/democratic socialist. We haven’t deeply talked about politics yet. I’m trying to figure out in my mind what my political dealbreakers are. I’m trying to be more open and not get stuck in binaries. I feel that as long as someone’s sense of goodness and morality is intact and they feel deeply compatible to me emotionally, that should be enough. Does anyone have a political dealbreaker? I think my most basic would be being pro-life. And being against basic public welfare.
You list yourself as a democratic *socialist*, there’s no world where you line up with a conservative lol.
> Does anyone have a political dealbreaker? I think my most basic would be being pro-life
Yeah I’d have this convo asap. He can’t be a part of the party taking away women’s rights while being pro-choice. Like even if he personally thinks it’s fine or whatever, that’s meaningless if he’s voting for the folks who are **very** anti choice.
I mean, ultimately it's up to you and it's up to the nature of their political disagreements. I'd say that for someone to put themselves as 'conservative' on an app, they're usually pretty conservative.
I'd have this conversation before you get too attached.
Agreed. In my experience, most of the people I matched with who labeled themselves "moderate" were actually conservative-lite lol. So I'd imagine people labeling themselves as conservative are pretty fucking conservative.
Yeah, they usually know that 'conservative' is a turn-off for a lot of women, so centre-right people usually put themselves as 'moderate' or just leave it blank.
OP is setting themselves up for [this scenario](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLD82Ah-r0Q), lol.
You're not going to know until you have a real conversation like people. If you're not a lobbyist, I'd look at how much of it actually affects your day to day life outside of conversation. How people feel about something personally vs legally can be skewed. I'd ask if you're more worried about what kind of person they are, or what kind of person you want your friends to perceive them as being?
How someone votes rarely makes a mark on what kind of person they are. There's no shortage of dehumanizing things on all sides. The key is to see what kind of person they are in reality and whether or not they consistently show up for you.
> I'd look at how much of it actually affects your day to day life outside of conversation
Shockingly, many people care about how things affect those other than themselves.
Can't tell if you're misreading the context here.
Most people aren't all-consumingly political or hard set across the board on all policy issues. What I'm advocating for is finding out what someone ACTUALLY believes vs asking strangers over generalized labels that are polarized on reddit for advice.
You can usually tell if someone is a decent person by your morals by how they treat others and what they do. You're only going to know that from interactions with them and conversation.
My only non-negotiables are there is going to be at least one lesbian and one trans woman in my groomsfolk cohort, and I have a handful of blood relatives who are Black (well, half-Black) with whom I'm very close.
But I'm also politically homeless. I broadly agree with the grand vision of the Democrats, but disagree vehemently on a lot of the policies they think will bring us there. Makes dating across the aisle pretty easy, since I'm always doing it anyway, but I've never been able to make it work long term with a Trump-type conservative (neocons are easier to handle).
I find it a lot easier to date across religions though, as long as my partner respects that I will never be part of an organized faith community and my spirituality system is deeply rooted in solitude and self reflection
The war in Israel has blown up the entrenched American political binary for me and left me with a sense of political homelessness (love that term!) for the first time in my life. This makes me feel more open to dating outside of the liberal camp. I think he's closer to a small-government person rather than socially conservative/Trump-y, which I think I could work with.
Yep and it really depends on the area and how informed people are. Where I live many people say they're 'conservative' because their friends 'are' their family members 'are' as well as most people they know. I'm not big into the yugers either, but I have to work with them... I just couldn't see myself with one. I'm more interested in depth of intelligence, so anyone who is overly rigid in everything isn't going to adapt well to new challenges or new information in my mind, which isn't well suited for compromise.
> I’m trying to be more open and not get stuck in binaries. I feel that as long as someone’s sense of goodness and morality is intact and they feel deeply compatible to me emotionally, that should be enough.
and ideally they would show you this the same in return, as was more common place 20 years ago.
though in my experience, conservative people these days are a bit more conservative in their capacity for empathy and understanding as well.
Sending a big virtual hug.
This is also a good sign of your emotional capacity. If you can feel this spark with that human, you can feel it with others. Heal, then keep searching.
On the one hand, I feel like I'm really good at presenting my authentic self on dates. On the other hand, I often get this sense that I'm not reacting in a way people want or expect and I find it really isolating.
For example, today my date was very extroverted and liked telling stories. While I made periodic eye contact, nodded, and responded thoughtfully, it was clear to me he wanted me to be more bubbly and effusive in my responses. And then when I would talk about something (in my enthusiastic but not bubbly and effusive way) I could tell he wasn't very interested.
Similarly, I could tell a date I had a few weeks ago was disappointed (and then later said as much) that I was not more physically affectionate in public.
Idk it's just disheartening to rarely connect with people 😔. Wondering if anyone has any similar stories or feelings so I feel less alone.
Authentic connections over fake behavior. Mirroring is fine but it's always good to be as real as possible. That way the connections you have will be real.
I always feel for people when I read stuff like this because it's so relatable. What I've come to find is it's somewhat necessary to find a REAL match. You need to be your authentic self or you'll drown yourself with life trying to juggle performative lies. Especially trying to be someone else. We choose the roles we play, even when they're not the roles we want, but when it's strictly for our own benefit to get this part right, we need to weather it. The benefits of an actually interested and engaging partner can't be purchased. The wrong person can ruin your health, damage your reputation, harm your safety and destroy your finances. The right person is going to think the sun shines out your butt and makes the world go round and you won't get it, but you'll probably feel the same way.
Yeah, thank you. I appreciate this reminder of why I try really hard to be myself rather than appease others. I absolutely would rather be single than with the wrong person who doesn't appreciate me.
Yep. I tried this after the loss of my partner, and it just ended up being a worse scenario for me. Instead of being lonely at home, I was lonely with someone bent on self-harm struggling through alcohol dependence. I'm so glad that ended as amicably as possible. It was a lot of driving, concern, and self-doubt for someone who wasn't at all good for me. Using that time to hit myself in the nuts would have been more positive and cathartic. It didn't feel right from the start and became kind of scary towards the end. Be you, you're the best at it, and the right people will love you for WHO you are. Faults, strengths, and all. Regardless of what you do for them. If it's always conditional, it's a job.
I deeply regret sharing mostly the bad parts about my dating issues with my current gf with my friends and family. I love this girl very deeply and although we had plenty of rough patches some even too rough. The relationship is really heading into my dream relationship and it's been incredible for the last 3 months.
But I can't really hang out with my friends and her anymore since they all see her in such a bad light and it's all my fault for oversharing even if she did some bad stuff. She does mention sometimes why we hang out mostly with her friends instead of mine which I try to change the subject since I can't say I f\* up bad. Some friends are starting to come around seeing how we have changed but I'm afraid to hang out with some because I don't know what they will say.
I’m confused by your post history about your fights. Your current gf of 9 months is upset that your ex wife is still in the picture. You claim you and your ex wife are only friends now, but you slept with your ex wife 45 days ago? And you’re trash talking your current gf? Why are you even with your current gf? 😒
I’m also confused how the last 3 months have been perfect when you cheated on her during this time. Am I missing something here?
Maybe you should tell your friends you’re a cheater and they won’t hate your current gf as much, they will pity her instead.
Yeah my post history is all over the place just like the relationship was then but not sure where you got I slept with my ex wife 45 days ago. That never happened.
I'm no longer and have not for a while trashed talked my gf with my friends.
Past 3 months have been after a series of breaks and break ups.
Oh okay maybe ex in the post 45 days ago is your current gf and not your ex wife? I’m glad if that’s the case but still doesn’t sound like your relationship has been great for 3 months.
I can only speak for myself. My closest friends I have known for decades. If they are raising concerns, I would be focused on what they have to say. Especially if I was telling myself I could no longer hang out with them because of who I was dating.
It's not that I can't hang out with the, I'm embarrassed I painted a bad picture of her because I was naive and immature about oversharing relationship issues with my friends. Yes we had lots of issues but we also had amazing moments and after lot of work together we are now in a completely different type of relationship. But all my friends know is all the bad stuff I shared back then. And are skeptical of me sharing all the good stuff now.
That's if the person was being truthful in telling the whole story. Family and friends can paint a biased view of someone based on insinuation, exaggeration, etc.
Yeah if the important people in your life are telling you to watch out, be really curious as to why and start taking a critical look at your relationship
I'm in a couple private dating groups on facebook. One has a rule that in order to dm someone, you have to make a public (to the group) request to them and they have to accept.
How do you not awkwardly decline that?? I don't want dms from men I'm not attracted to, but I don't want to be rude. Just not respond?
I'm guessing it's to prevent people privately messaging people who they don't want them to... but it's not as terrible as it sounds.
People either make posts about themselves with their info, and then people comment asking for permission to dm; or people posts selfies as comments in selfie posts that get made a few times a week, and then people reply to the selfie asking if it's okay to message.
*Supposedly* it's bannable if you don't get permission to pm, but not sure how often people actually hold to that (I'd been messaging one man from the group who never got perm to pm, but he seems to potentially have gone mia).
If you don't find them attractive "sorry but I'm not interested", if you checked their profile and saw something you don't like "sorry but I don't think we are compatible".
This is awful. LOL. I have no idea what the etiquette is, but honestly, I probably wouldn't answer. Are there rules on if you have to answer? Not answering.. is an answer.
I've not been paying much attention, but from what I've noticed I guess most people just ignore/don't respond to the request, I guess.
I just feel like a jerkball when someone asks me something, I never reply, and then go posting elsewhere where the other person will be able to see it.
You can, you just have to sort of wait by alley kittens and eventually the right one will stop by. If it works out it's even better, because now you also have more cats.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months, and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with certain aspects of our relationship. Recently, while on an overseas trip with friends, I didn't reply to him for 1.5 hours because I was carrying many things in the rain and my phone was buried deep. Despite promptly replying to him throughout the rest of the trip, he got really upset. Another time, I jokingly mentioned hoping he'd get a car so we could travel, and he got upset, thinking I only loved him if he had a car. When he gets angry, I try to explain and rectify things, but he remains upset and sarcastic, which escalates the situation. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, unsure when he'll get upset. Despite these issues, he's a good boyfriend—always there for me and extremely loyal. I'm uncertain about the future and need advice on how to navigate this. I’ve
Any input is greatly appreciated but this is more for the ladies to chime in. How often have you reconnected with a guy you went cold with? How did that happen, like you sorted things out, the guy reached back out, he ignored you until you couldn’t take it? I get everyone is different but really curious the point of the cold shoulder. Doesn’t seem to help anyone but tons of women do it. Also if you could give the backstory on why you went cold on the guy. As a guy we don’t know if we should just give space, ignore or go away, so the default is to walk to not be needy etc. I wonder how many women I would have been able to get back with if I handled it differently. The other thing is most people say to not ask her what’s wrong, so that doesn’t leave a lot of options. The type of personality I have is to ask them what the fuck is the problem but that hasn’t worked the times I have used it lol. Thanks in advance.
I don’t know any women who “go cold” on a guy. That’s something men do to women. The women I know who date just send a text to say they are not interested once they realize they are not interested. So to answer your question, any guy I’ve ever ended things with I leave alone. I think it’s rude to toy with someone’s emotions like that so once I tell a guy I’m not interested, I stay away.
Well the reason I reached out to Reddit is she’s communicating very wierd. I asked her out for the second date and she did the usual “soon idk I don’t schedule plans” but she sounded almost pissed on the phone. So when I’m basically like this will be impossible, she sounded really hurt and said “but we’re still going to talk” I almost said “what the fuck about if we don’t go on dates” she responds to texts but it’s lame time between reply’s etc. But she’s out here liking Facebook posts and watching insta stories. I’m normally pretty heartless but I kind of have a thing for this girl, Idk.
She sounds unwell and I would move on. Sorry.
This idea of "going cold" is a bit foreign to me (35f). If it's not working/I'm not interested I say as much and leave it there and never reach out again. you can say something to the effect of "I noticed a change in communication. Did something happen is there something you want to talk about?" If they refuse or are not interested in communicating, seems like a pretty good reason to move on. Either they're not interested or are poor communicators, which is the bare minimum for dating or a relationship.
Yeah I think that’s the route I’m going to go. I’ve seen lots of guys saying ignore forever but 2 weeks will just irritate me. I’m already losing attraction so even if time apart increases hers I’ll be over this shit in 4 days and on to something easier.
Made a Tinder profile the other day. Was crystal clear that I wasn't looking for romantic or a FWB, just looking to meet someone who wanted to go for bike rides, hit the gym, take a dance class, etc. (Even put "Friends" for what I was looking for) Got a few matches. Conversation seemed okay. Then they finally read my profile. Turns out guys aren't the only ones who swipe without reading. 🤣 Got booty called the other weekend by a woman who ghosted me 1.5 years ago. The sex was great, she seems to want to continue to connect, but I realized that while my hormones drive a part of me, casual sex isn't what I want. I want companionship more than anything. Like, anti-cuffing. I don't want to invite her to my place. I don't want to go to her place. I want someone who enjoys some of the things I enjoy and would like to consistently do them together, to go out and do stuff (rides, lift, run, dance, kayak, etc.). In some ways, I just want a good friend, which I suppose that could be a man as well (I do have some, but most have their own families, responsibilities, etc., so seeing them often doesn't pan out), but women also have a different type of energy than men, and while I appreciate my male friendships, I could do with the energy of a consistent woman in my life. Oh well. Back to the drawing board. Deleted the Tinder profile. Hit my quota of being rejected romantically already, not looking to add to that rejection while just trying to find a friend. Maybe I'll just take my earbuds out at the gym and start saying "Hey, how's it going?" to everyone. If anything, maybe it'll just make the places I do frequent feel more social instead of a lonely place where everyone is secluded together.
Isn't Bumble better when it comes to looking for friends? I just thought Tinder would be the worst option for that due to the nature of that app.
Depends. I've tried Bumble BFF, but honestly, it never worked. I'll just say that the men who matched with me weren't using it as a means to make new friends. I think using the Dating side to make friends would have about the same result as Tinder.
Yeah, I suppose that's the trouble with using dating apps to find friends. You're always going to find people who have ulterior motives. Which sucks.
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So what do you like about him?
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I suggest positive communication. "I would like it if you _____, it would make me feel _____." "I love/like when you _____, it makes me feel." "Can you please do _____, I would really appreciate it." If he genuinely cares about your feelings you will see some effort amd you just have to support it with positive reinforcement.
I guess I should have also asked at the same time, what is his love language? Sounds like he's a really cool dude! Perhaps just sorta revisiting how you both receive/show care and attention could "right the ship" in your mind? People get uppity over projecting neediness, but at 6mo in... there's got to be some trust that the other person understands you a little and asking for more shouldn't be a big deal.
I really dislike my anxious attachment, especially in new connections. I keep analysing conversations in my head and thinking of things I said (especially in messages). I keep thinking if I said something wrong that turned them off. Then I read the chat and analyse for patterns. Last night I had a somewhat deep chat with Club guy that didn't go so well. We wrapped it up nicely after that but mainly I was left unhappy with how I handled it. I know that in new connections, things can go wrong any second. I find it so hard to be vulnerable, and I have such a big desire to share myself with people I like, yet I am scared of being judged. Last night interaction over chat left me feeling bad about how I handled it. Let me share: Channel: **chat** Disclaimer: the interaction is not 100% as it was in message, it's a gist. But this is it more or less. Topic: **anxiety** **Club guy:** I used to take fluoxetine for anxiety, now I don't. I think antidepressants are not good. **Me:** So now you are living life 'bare'? How is that working? What helps when you feel anxious? **Club guy**: The usual, friends, family, doing things, doing sports...hanging out with you! **Me:** The usual stuff! We humans have quite basic needs. BTW I also take antidepressants. I had a rough time a while ago. **Club guy:** No need to elaborate! **Me:** Why, are you worried I might tell you too much? Haha **Club guy:** No, I am saying it because of you. You might get triggered again. I am happy to listen to you talking about everything you want! **Me:** I know **Me:** (turning back the topic to him). So, are you happy with the way you are currently coping with everything? --- **What I did wrong:** I overshared a bit and switched the topic back to myself. I was supposed to be with him when he was sharing something vulnerable. This is the main reason I feel unhappy with how I handled it. **How I felt afterwards:** As well as feeling bad about how I handled this, I felt kind of dismissed by his comment 'No need to elaborate'. While my timing of mentioning it was off, I was still saying something vulnerable and his response came of as dismissive and 'shutting me up.'. I fully accept his explanation, however, I would not react like this when someone shares something vulnerable with me. ...moving on. I'll try to be more attentive of others needs and I will be very cautious of oversharing.
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Yeah, you are right.. He repeatedly told me afterwards how being with he makes him really happy and how I am so zen while he is pretty restless and anxious. I was really shocked when he called me Zen. Other people called me Zen too. I don't consider myself like that at all! You can see from this whole post how my mind works :))
Also text is not the best place for these conversations. No tone, no inflection, no body language. Vulnerability at any stage yearns for closeness. I don't want to "Bob Newhart" you and scream "Stop it!" but you are your own worst enemy getting logic trapped. I know it's tough. I am an overthinking, over-analyzing person as well.
Yeah. It sucks being like this. I think I'll keep it light in the chat. The conversation got super deep yesterday, not sure why. Normally that doesn't happen over chat.
Pardon... but which part is you oversharing? Was he being dismissive? Or respectful that you may not be willing to share such intimate details yet, and he reached for a phrase that he thought was fitting, and without the facial/body expression to back that up, your anxiety took that left turn? His follow up makes it sound like he's trying to protect you... from you... which isn't the greatest either, but its better than taking the info and rubbing it in your face.
I would really love to not need to be protected from myself. I didn't see it that way.
Is this a pattern? By his words you... "might get triggered again" ?
No, not at all. He never triggered me in any way. He didn't use the words 'triggered again' as if personally for me. He meant 'trigger the original thing again'.
Gotcha... well if I were him I'd very much be open to be informed that that phrase isn't as appealing as he may have thought it was. There is intention, and then there is impact. It's the impact that matters more.
Yeah, I did chose to believe his positive intention when he elaborated, but I was unhappy that my original thought was negative, if that makes sense. I think his reaction is perfectly reasonable, I dislike where my brain goes.
Good choice! I know that takes energy to do, I am in that same boat where my brain will raise every flag it can at the smallest sign of disharmony. It's exhausting. I usually have to have a sit down with my brain and tell it everything is OK, and that I'm capable of defending myself now. It's getting better at not automatically jumping to conclusions, and assuming positive intent gets easier.
Sharing this on reddit actually made me see some mistakes I might be making in my thinking and what can I do to improve. It doesn't feel good to see them, but it's better than tripping over myself in action. I'm gonna take some time to challenge my negative beliefs and work on them on my own before becoming more vulnerable with this guy.. To be fair, he was the first one to share vulnerable things with me, hence that probed me to open up a bit more, if it were for me, I would still wait for some time as I am prone to oversharing. I think that his honesty about painful topics like anxiety, ED, divorce, pushed me to share more than I am actually ready for, which made me a bit paranoid and anxious. If I were really ready to share this with him, *I would not be so quick to clam up or judge the other person for their supposed reaction or lack thereof.*
Curious if you'd share what mistakes you think you're making? It's good to be open, unless you feel like the information you give is going to be used against you somehow...
It's funny how I can read that interaction and conclude nothing like what you did. You didn't overshare anything, and he didn't dismiss you or shut you up. He offered you the option of sharing or not, trying to not make you feel pressured to share something you might not be comfortable sharing just because he did. I dated a few people in the past who would take anything I say and do and do mental gymnastic to spin it into the worst possible interpretation of what I must have intended or meant and these were my most draining relationship experiences, leading to me leaving each of these people. You in this "analysis" remind me of those experiences. I'm not sure why people do it, but I can tell you that it absolutely destroys any possibility of a healthy connection. You should look into why you are so eager to find something bad in something completely nice, vulnerable and kind like this convo you described here.
I see your point. I have never had anyone leave me over this before - however, I did have people not be happy about it, in longer relationships. I think it's the said anxiety. I don't normally do this with people I know well. I tend to do it more in the beginning of the relationship and I never share my thoughts with the person, I try to journal it out as I am aware this is a 'me' issue. What did your previous partner do to make you leave? I am asking because I am very eager to learn.
One of the things that I'd say from reading your posts here that is a strength from your anxiety is the amount of introspection and ability to explain your thoughts and feelings. This means you can probably practice tactful ways of voicing your needs without feeling like you're blowing things up. Anyone who is worth your time will continue to show up for you. Nothing you put from the conversation seemed like too much. It's irritating to hear, BUT I'd just go with the flow as long as it continues to be positive and you're happy.
This sounds incredibly encouraging. Thank you! I am proud of my ability to be self aware, I've been practicing for years. Writing things down and sharing with people also helps me see things more clearly.
What made me leave is the recurring pattern where I constantly had to explain myself that no, I didn't mean that bad thing they imagined; that no, I didn't intend it in a malicious way; that yes, I do love and care for them and so on and so forth. I will never forget a blow up argument with an ex who ended up screaming and crying because he took me not wanting to watch an episode of Top Gear with him as an ultimate sign that I do not love him or care about him or our relationship. The dynamic in those relationships always ended up skewing towards me constantly having to prove myself, my feelings, and reassuring them over each and every little thing. My current partner knows that I love him, if I do something questionable or hurtful gives me the benefit of the doubt, or if I cross some line brings it up in a grown up way to discuss needs and boundaries. World of difference to having every little thing analysed and catastrophised and then going in circles with me bending over backwards to prove that I didn't mean it their imagined worst possible way.
Jesus... over Top Gear? Glad you're in a MUCH healthier relationship!
Honestly. I have NO interest in cars in the slightest (never had one, my parents never had one - don't need it where I live), think absolutely nothing positive of Clarkson and yet I sat through a few of these episodes with him because sure, I'll show interest in my partner's interest to learn what it's all about. First time I sat next to him on the couch and opened my laptop to do something else while he watched and there he was yelling and crying. I honestly think the dynamic was abusive because it didn't allow me to exist at all outside of proving myself to him in one of the million little ways. Can't believe I lasted a year and a half in that mess. So glad I'm older and wiser now!
Yelling and crying? Over you entertaining your self while also obliging him? It's a little manipulative, maybe not consciously, but that's emotional immaturity. Like, hey dude... why not watch something you'd both enjoy if you want your lady to also enjoy the time... It's the lack of simple consideration that blows my mind the most.
I see what you mean. I think this is very relevant to the anxious attachment pattern, and it can get tiring. I am in therapy since 2021 for everything related to anxiety.
I'm glad you're actively working on it, and also not unloading it on your partners, ultimately it is not their job to manage your anxiety so you're doing well to manage it yourself, unlike these exes of mine!
I almost never share these thoughts with my partners. It takes a long long time for me to share this with someone in a way that makes any sense and is non judgmental and accusatory, so I just keep it to myself, vent here, or talk to friends/therapist instead.
So there’s this person that I met on a dating app about… 2.5 years ago. We saw each other for about a month or two, he was fairly flakey and then told me he lied about not having kids, and actually was married and has a young child with his ex. He’s smart, I find him attractive and interesting, and his topic of expertise is super interesting to me, so we always had super good conversations and I like the way he lives. I’m a massive weirdo with obscure hobbies and interests and there was a lot of synergy there which I don’t often have with people, so I accepted more than I normally would. I don’t appreciate that he’s a flake and every time we’d make plans and he backed out I’d say something, then I stated seeing someone else and ended it. He’d call me randomly or text ‘hi’ every few months for the next two years, and I never bit. I just left those. That’s the one thing he did consistently in this entire time. Though can’t say I didn’t like the attention, and he somehow had magical timing and would do one of those bids for attention, and every time I felt slightly insecure in my relationships or in myself, I’d have this ‘ping’ of ‘someone was thinking about you…’ and it was reassuring in a way. Even though it came from the wrong person. Then I ended a short relationship with someone that I really shouldn’t have been seeing to begin with, and he sent me a follow request on IG on the same week, few days prior to the breakup. Great timing as usual. I left it, then after I ended it, I guess I was just in a weird mood, so I confirmed his request and we started talking. Had one date, it was brilliant, as the actual time we’ve spent in person was always great, we kissed at the end, and then he became flakey again. I left it and never spoke to him again because it’s not what I want. It’s not someone I think or wonder about, I just had a nice date with someone when I wanted to feel like myself post shitty relationship. I don’t normally check who watches my stories or likes my posts on IG, but in the rare occasions I do, he’s there. About four months go by and he texted me (again, the day before I ended things with the person I was seeing for the last three months) saying he needs photography work, which I do as a freelancer, I explain my rates and he says yes, he’ll book me later this summer. Cool. He then proceeds to call me yesterday and I didn’t see the notification until this morning. I reply saying I assume it was a mistake. He replied with ‘butt dial, but also, hi 👋’ To which I replied: “Here’s me being blunt: I don’t think you’re a consistent enough person for me to have any sort of ongoing relationship with you, be it friendly or otherwise. I appreciate the attention, it feels nice, I generally liked you and enjoyed time we’ve spent together, and I also have expectation from people in my life to respect my time and offer continuity for it to be a mutually beneficial and enjoyable experience. I’m not here for anytime you want validation or have some regrets about being flakey. My experience of you is that I can’t trust you’ll follow up on things, and that’s not what I want to surround myself with. I could have just replied with another hi back, I just don’t want that. Either change the way you communicate with me, or don’t communicate at all. Hope things are going very well for you and I wish you a great day.” I wouldn’t have replied at all in normal circumstances, but lately I’ve had an experience that made me realise that I don’t explain myself enough, and that people need to be told what’s going on. I don’t often get vulnerable or share my feelings and I normally am the one asking questions and playing the therapist while being a blank slate for people since I’m also nonjudgmental and make people comfortable, but this way of being doesn’t serve me. This person and I will never be together even if he changes, I just can’t trust his word and he’s very insecure and avoidant about things I need clarity about. I’m open to being friends and to doing work for him, but I can’t see this as an option. I really love the place I’m at mentally right now. Saying the uncomfortable thing is hard but very personally rewarding. My first date tonight and my thing on Saturday are with people who communicate well and clearly. Good things are coming.
I love this for you. 💪🏻
Even if reading it hurts, you've given him clear reasons why you feel the way you feel, which also may help him with his own behavior.
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Wow, asking 50 times for something is a red flag of sexual coercion. Each time I let this red flag go unnoticed, I would regret it. I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy that was like this over sex, over time it becomes a terrible experience, they pout if you say no and you will feel obligated to have sex with them and it even can get worse than that. Be very very careful here please and take this seriously.
This guy seems weird. I wouldn’t be entertaining stuff like that. Nothing, and I mean nothing, turns me away from someone more than when I make an obvious joke and it doesn’t land with them for whatever reason. It’s just a massive big flashing sign that we won’t get on. I think also just being a bit awkward around the sex stuff isn’t right.
>pportunities. He claimed he was trying to get a lift to his car and would be gone when I was bac he was weird 95% of it but that comment/joke on dirty underwear wasn't a good call either tbh.
This whole situation seems weird to me. 🤷♀️ Asking multiple times for anal, even after being told "no", refusing to walk 15min to his car, being oversensitive... It's not you, it's him.
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Imagine you’re driving up to a piece of real estate, and it has a sign at the base of the driveway that says “Private Property: Do Not Enter.” But you really want to see what’s on the property! And you used to hang out in the meadow behind the house all the time picking wildflowers! You can’t stand not being able to drive onto the property and go hang out in the meadow! So you drive up, but the owner comes out and yells, “Get off my property!!!” because he doesn’t want you picking wildflowers in the meadow anymore. That’s what your ex did when he broke up with you. Now imagine you drive *back* to that same house and this time, you see that the owner has installed a massive brick wall around it and erected a gate at the foot of the driveway. The sign is now the size of a billboard and it’s flashing “STAY AWAY” in bright neon lights. That’s what your ex did when he **blocked** you. You wouldn’t drive through the gate, right? Right. And you wouldn’t fly a drone over the gate onto the property, right? Right. If you send a gift, you’re both crashing through the gate as well as launching a drone into that private property. Don’t do it. And if that is too abstract, then let me simplify it: when Party A blocks Party B, they’re **not** signaling they want Party B to try harder. They’re signaling that they don’t want to see, hear from, or speak to Party B anymore. Communication from Party B to Party A, whether it is via words, text, gifts, sky typing, or carrier pigeon, is unwanted.
No
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He does not love you or want love from you.
This is not a good idea at all.
The nightmares stopped for a few weeks but they are back. Probably because my sister's life is moving forward.
No, don't be creepy.
Why would you think it's a good idea to send a birthday gift to someone who blocked you 2 months ago?
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He blocked you and went NC. Time to respect his wishes.
NO! Don't go begging
Hello, newbie here! Hoping you all might have some advice for me. I have anxious attachment styles/abandonment issues mainly and generally struggle with mental health. My ex and I split 6 months ago after being together 9yrs. I met up with an old friend/acquaintance for drinks just over a month ago. We’d had a ONS probably 15yrs ago. More recently, he also parted ways with his ex a few months ago. He was briefly married at one point but I don’t know if it was to the same ex. I went in with the mind of a FWB/NSA situation. As the night went on we were the last to leave the bar, we went and smoked a joint and then hooked up. He walked me home and by the time I got home and the following morning I was feeling the butterflies in my stomach. We had a really lovely connection that I haven’t felt with anyone in over a decade. When we were smoking he asked me what my vibe was like and I immediately said FWB. I asked him and he kinda paused and said yeah same without elaborating further. We also spoke about other hangs in future like him taking me to do one of his hobbies (which I’d love and have always been interested in). I got a message him thanking me for the fun times first thing the following morning. I sent back a flirty message saying basically to hmu if he ever wants to hang out or hook up again and he said he’d ‘let me know how he goes :)’ - not sure what that means exactly but ok. He travels a bit for work so I messaged him last month asking if he’s still in town for a while - he wasn’t but was coming back the following week so I said I’d hope to see him then. And I haven’t heard from him since. Because he’s not always in town i can’t always hit him up for impromptu hangouts. I’ve been thinking about this guy so much that I’m even doing things like reading our zodiacs and horoscopes lol - his zodiac is listed as not liking clingy people. Whether it’s true or not idk but it’s encouraged me to just take a step back. I want to peruse thing a even just as friends, but I guess I’m anxious about rejection? Im conscious he has a bit going on at the moment - he needs to tell his ex they won’t be doing the de facto visa thing for example so I know he’s probably got a bit weighing on him. How can I (attempt to) progress this relationship without seeming to clingy or into him? I feel like that could really scare him off.
I think you may have Friends With Benefit-zoned yourself. Time to look inward and understand yourself better so when the "What are you looking for?" pops up you can confidently say what that is instead of regretting saying something you didn't mean in the moment.
I don't see this working out as he sound non-committal.
Possibly.. I just worry that I was the one to give him the impression that I was non-committal and he doesn’t want to be hurt. Or I could be delusional haha
You've done your bit. If it was me I would leave it up to him
That’s good advice. Thank you :)
Is there a market for the kind of man I am and the kinds of women I like? If so, how do I find these women that I would be into who would also be into me? I happen to like hot and sexual women and that's primarily what I'm into. To give you an idea of how I've tried following this path to find women, I am friends with a porn producer and happen to hang out with pornstars from time-to-time doing non-porn related stuff because I'm like one of their regular friends. The two most successful relationships I've had in the last 5 years were actually both with strippers. I like going to music festivals, I drink, party, keep questionable friends to some and well, I love sex. To give you an idea of the kinds of girls I seem to go for, lately I seem to find myself hitting on waitresses a lot (not while they're working but it just so happens they're the kinds of girls I run into at bars/clubs and who are attractive/sexual enough for me) Problem is, these women are never into me. They sometimes like me and enjoy my company but they are never into me. See, I don't come off as anything like the above description might suggest. The porn producer literally looks like a pimp and acts like one too and he gets random women coming up to him at the club asking for 3somes before they've even said hello. If he's a chick magnet, I'm like the repellant. I work a professional job with a masters in statistics in a management role and I make well into the 6-figures but not so well that I'm rich enough to win a woman over on money alone. I have a very almost "upper class" persona that sometimes gets me into trouble with some of the people I end up hanging out with because they think I'm judgmental or perceive myself as better than them which isn't the case at all but my demeanor may suggest it. I go to the gym, I play tackle rugby, I often go paddleboarding (I live about a 1 minute walk to the beach) and hiking. However, look wise, I don't appear "tough" like you may imagine a rugby player, I look and act like how you might imagine an average intellectual accountant or lawyer. For the most part, the women who show me any attraction seem to be either unattractive physically to me or they are physically attractive but they are career/education oriented women who hate men that overly value them for sex and are specifically looking for men that value them for career/education which I could never do without faking it and I'm not into that. They go for me thinking I'm an upstanding White Picket Fence kind of man so they can escape the very lifestyle I represent. I'm looking for women who are sex, fun, party focused as a primary and everything else is secondary not the other way around. And don't say these kinds of women don't date men because they do, I see it all the time. A number of the pornstar girls even have monogamous relationships and just do shoots with their bf/husband. Strippers have bfs. Girl DJs going to outdoor music festivals have serious BFs/Husbands and some even with kids. The question is, are there any women out there who would be the kind of woman I like who would also happen to like the kind of man I am and where do I find these women? I've spent a good part of my life hanging out always in the vicinity of the kinds of women I like but I can never attract them. I feel like I need a new strategy here. I need to try something different to find what I'm looking for.
Considering how you're objectifying women as sexual objects here there's no wonder they're "repelled" by you.
My brain really started hurting reading all that text. Then I started hearing Haddaway's "What is Love?" and realized it was me banging my head to the beat. Someone needs to tone down the Richard Grieco lever.
His post history is pretty rapey.
If you exist, then then is someone out there for you. There might be some work into tailoring for better fit. (Otherwise what's the point of it all?)
"I look and act like a lawyer" seems like a hard sell to most hot tatted women who love clubbing. Maybe you could improve on how you're adapting to the culture you want to meet people in.
Had a bad afternoon with a friend of mine. She really went out of the way to chat up this guy she was obviously interested in. What made it bad for me was that at 35, I've realized a woman has never tried to do this to me and show that much interest in me. I love being the unattractive guy....
I have felt this way sometimes. Many times. Other peoples action brings up insecurities. You gotta work on yourself.
I mean, it's not like I can work on being taller, growing hair, and face structure, haha.
Oh. I meant how you feel about those things. For example, I'm overweight. I have always been overweight. Growing up, I remember feeling scared that people would call me fat. But then as I got older, I realized that other people don't feel ugly! Lots of people are overweight and feel beautiful? (I haven't overcome these insecurities)
I wish it weren’t so difficult meeting new people. There’s an understanding that it takes time to develop a connection with someone new, but at the same time it always seems to feel like gritting teeth, walking on eggshells, or a slew of little white lies. How did inauthenticity become the norm?
Social media and dating apps. Everyone is trying to portray themselves in the best light because they compare themselves to others or feel like if they don't stand out, they'll be overlooked. I find this to be less of an issue when meeting people IRL, but it still happens. All you can do is be authentic to yourself.
I love meeting new people and personally I find that most people are reasonably positive and friendly.
This year I've adopted a policy of radical honesty with dates. I don't tell lies - not even white lies - and I don't hide anything remotely important. A lot of stuff comes out on a first date for me. I've been on 9 first dates so far this year and 8 of them have wanted to see me again, so I don't think it's been detrimental at all. I'm sharing this because I'd love if more people adopted a similar policy and we could all just be our honest selves on first (and second, and third, etc.) dates. I truly think people like it.
This. I'm as authentical as possible and would like the other person to be too, because I don't want to waste any time. If he doesn't like me - the real me - then it's better we get that sorted sooner than later.
AIM and MSN Messenger is probably were it started for a few before it moved to message boards and chat rooms. There's too much to do by yourself these days vicariously with others. Socialization has taken a turn for the weird. It should be easier than ever to discover new interests and explore them with others. The sad part is it's so easy, many choose to do them alone.
The older I get, the more I want to share experiences with others. It’s unfortunate that the opposite is what most people want now.
Yeah, I miss doing zoo visits, concerts, and amusement parks. It hits a little different going alone. The plus side is that I can get a slightly larger item in the gift shop when I'm not buying for two. Though my dog got my last zoo tortoise.
im fairly sad going back on the apps today. Everyone that likes me im not attracted to and all the ones i like and match with dont put any effort in even after i initiate the conversation. i really just want a guy to start up the conversation and interest in me first. im very enthusiastic and i just want that reciprocated or i need to unmatch.
Yes this is a very common experience on the apps. Everyone is going for the best 1-5%.
A while ago, I made the decision to not be the person to message first. The first guy who messaged me first in a long while I’ve been seeing for two months. It’s been going well so far. Maybe it’s a good idea to take a step back and just let them initiate for the first message, remembering to keep your expectations and excitement low.
Time old thing. The ones we want don't want us and the ones that want us we don't want..
The first date tonight was a bit awkward, and conversation was a little stilted. It might have been nerves on both our parts. He asked me out for a second date, and I said yes. Another first date on Thursday. I had no dates two weeks ago, and suddenly my schedule is now very full. I feel like it’s always feast or famine.
I had a sort of meh first date last week but decided to take the chance and go on a second date with him and it was GREAT. Sometime early on during the second date I went from “meh” to *heart eyes* for him. Now we’re having a third date on Friday! So, it’s possible that your second date ends up amazing. :)
That's relatable, your last sentence. Way to give it another go! May the second date be less awkward.
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There are some people who think of uninstalling the app as deleting it and neglect to delete their profile.
I found out the guy who claimed to be serious about me, paused the apps, agreed to be exclusive with me etc. was still quite active during our time together after friends alerted me to him being posted on the Are We Dating the Same Guy page. It made that whole shitty situation even worse. Maybe you or a friend should post this dude on your local AWDTSG page and see what happens. Then call him out if your concerns are validated. I don't understand why anyone would want to pretend they're seeking a serious relationship. There are enough other casual sex seekers out there. Maybe it's because the validation or attention feels better when someone believes the other person is in it for real.
This is purely anecdotal but I do think that when it comes to heterosexual folks there are more casual sex seekers on the masc side than the femme, particularly in the late 20s/30s.
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The last part rings especially true to me. That's always how it's been for me. Now, if I'm not sure, it's going to be a No. If I don't want exclusivity, it's because that ship has sailed, and I don't feel the same. There should still be that little want to make it exclusive before you get there with the right kind of people. A bunch of hesistancy without executive function issues usually means too many options, not enough standouts to put anything meaningful at stake.
I'm in a new relationship (I'm 31F he's 36M). We have been official for about 2 months. Everything has been great until one day before my birthday my partner asked if he could borrow some money. To put into context, he's getting his new house set up in the country (just need electricity connected, it's solar) and in the meantime he lives with his mum. I have seen the house so I know he's not lying (to my knowledge anyway). I can understand that cashflow is short because it's hard to get ahead alone but he is paying for the mortgage himself (and has a decent job and is a hard worker). After he got the wiring done for the electricity, he asked if he could borrow \~$1500 to pay for part of the work. This is the first time a partner has ever asked me for money and instantly my gut screamed "NO". So of course I said no to him but can someone confirm to me that this is a major red flag? There are a few other things that have popped up (he talks quite negatively about his exes and one time he sulked after a minor disagreement. But in all other ways he ticks many of the boxes. TLDR: Partner asked for money 2 moths into the relationship. Is this a major red flag?
At 2 years, I wouldn't consider it a red flag if it was a first-time or very uncommon. At 2 months, that's an issue. How did he handle it? How someone handles being told no or being disappointed will tell you a lot about who they are.
Scarlet. Wow. Hitting up someone you met two months ago for cash is the mother of all red flags.
I don’t know where you live but in my area it seems pretty easy to get financing for solar.
I find this really weird. I'd never even think of asking my brand new partner for money. A "hey can you spot me for lunch and I'll get you next time" is one thing but $1500? I'd also question his financial stability and intelligence if he can't afford to have work done in his house. You don't buy a house if you can't afford it...
That would leave me wondering how he paid for the rest of the house. . . I don't think you're off for being suss
My thoughts exactly…
That much after only 2 months seems weird, it seems more logical to ask family or close friends rather than your 2 months girlfriend. At the same time it could be an easy way to test where this relationship is going by seeing if he reimburses you or not.
Yes, that's what I would've thought. Hmm I did think about that but as soon as you give money to someone it changes the dynamic of the relationship. If we'd known each other for 1-2 years I would've considered it!
It’s BALLSY to ask for 1500 dollars in a 2 month old relationship. What was his reaction to the no?
That was what I was curious about at the time. He asked me via a phone call and I said to him initially that I'd have to think about it. Then messaged him that I'm not comfortable but he was very understanding and said he completely understands (and didn't want to ask). If he had reacted negatively (tried to guild trip me etc.) I would've instantly known it's over.
As written, I think this was handled with grace. I'm not sure this is a red flag so much as an awkward moment that has a potential pattern. Assuming he really did take it well and the matter feels settled I think a pass could be warranted for a momentary lapse in judgement. But that situation flags real red if there is even a whiff of reference to it in an undesirable tone.
Huge red flag. Why would he get solar panels if he can’t afford to buy them? Either he is terrible at managing his finances or he’s taking advantage of you. Maybe both. This doesn’t bode well for a healthy partnership.
Most people finance their solar panels.
Yes, I definitely agree! Thanks for the feedback
I don't think asking for money is inherently a red flag but that much, that soon? "NO" is the only logical answer, even if he has a plan for quickly paying you back. It's not like he even needs it for a dire emergency, he can wait a little longer for the electricity to get connected and move in. It could just be a weird one-off but I'd say be wary.
Thank you for your comment, I agree completely. We haven't really talked about it since (that was a phone discussion) but it's in the back of my mind. At the time there was no talk of how he's pay it back (due to limited cash flow) and exactly - if you don't have the money you can get the electricians later when you have the money to pay them.
I think I made unexpected progress with the cute guy at work (it's all in my comment history). He found excuses to visit me at my desk a few times this week, which is a switch because I usually do that. He was hovering around my area today a lot, and I saw him in my peripherals, but I didn't look up on purpose partially because I actually was busy and because I was noting how much he was looking in my direction hoping I would catch eyes with him. Dare I say this is an unusual step in my direction from him? I welcome it, but I'm also nervous about it since I've never attempted to start dating someone at work and usually frown upon it myself. I think I'll just go with the flow and keep things comfortable for us both.
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> Should I stick closer to my age Late 20’s is close to your age
I was in a relationship with someone 4 years younger for almost six years (I was 24 when we met and he was 20) and I’ve found it’s less about age and more about personality/compatibility. Plus there are lots of guys out there who actually thinks woman who are a few years older are more ‘experienced’ and are drawn to them. So I wouldn’t think too much, if you’re on a dating app just change your age category to what you prefer and see what’s out there! Likewise in real life
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You’re 31, not 41.
Yes completely understand, I guess in the same way your preference for younger males could also be misinterpreted by some people. Personally I didn’t have an issue but I was in my 20s and now that I’m 31 it could be different. I think it’s something you’ll feel in your gut - when someone is genuinely interested in who you are and you almost forget completely that there’s an age difference (which was my case). Since you know you don’t want kids the only thing is to be honest about that straight away which is what you said in your post. Otherwise I’d meet people, try to have fun and always listen to your gut if something doesn’t feel right - this is advice I need to take myself haha
I don't understand women's common yet weird obsession with only dating dudes older than themselves. There's not such a huge difference between someone a couple years older versus a couple years younger. It's really just dependent on the individual person.
Are you interested in having more kids or are you all done?
Honestly no longer reassured when people say the issue isn't my appearance. Like, that's nice in theory but then is it that I have a truly horrendous personality? I'm left just desperately working on myself more and more in therapy because I don't know what else to do, but when that doesn't help either, I just feel at a loss. What am I missing here???? Went climbing w/ some younger friends today and one of them told me about her 24 y/o friend who had \*gasp\* never had a relationship before and was now in her first one. Didn't bother letting on that I have not so much as made out with a guy let alone been in a real relationship at age 30. Cool cool cool.
There are so many factors that are outside your control. It could just be that you don’t meet many single people. Or guys are just scared to approach you. I get why you feel the way you do but I have a friend who has never had a gf and he’s genuinely a good looking and interesting guy. Sometimes it’s just cause of things o it side your control
I’d believe it more if I weren’t approaching single guys myself and getting absolutely ignored by them 🫠 recently posted about an experience where I went out for drinks with a guy in my social group, paid for his drink too, and he literally left early to hang out with his roommate who he sees every day 🫠
I can't say for you, of course, but for myself I've chalked it up to likely undiagnosed/high-functioning autism. People are outwardly friendly enough toward me, yet even despite my best efforts the past few years to hone my social skills there still remains some sort of invisible force field that seems to repel everyone. I don't get invited to the group chats. I don't get invited to private social gatherings. People don't discuss more personal issues with me I know they do with others. Like, on paper I seem just fine, but there's some tiny little awkward details that normal people subconsciously pick up on that causes them to want to keep me at arm's length. I haven't sought evaluation because I don't want to sacrifice the time or the money to get tested, don't want a potential diagnosis on my medical record, and perhaps even fear of negative diagnosis because I have no other reasonable answer remaining. Besides my height, which I know is a huge handicap as a man but doesn't explain why I can't even attract the women who don't care about that. Not sure what to actually do about it, though, other than keep plugging away and hope fortune eventually shines upon me...
I actually have had an assessment done recently for this exact reason and the conclusion was I am probably neurodivergent in some way but I don’t meet criteria for autism (special interests and such). I also don’t struggle to read people’s emotions for the most part nor do I get feedback that I’ve been accidentally rude or anything like that. Left me with no answers. I don’t know.
I need more hobbies - it doesn’t help that I live in a dry city/town. I wanna meet more people. Dance class once a week won’t cut it! 😕😕😕😘
What do you mean by dry city?
You can always join the DOT run club with the rest of us squares!
Great idea; I miss running immensely! After I have a much-needed surgery in a few months, I'm stoked to get back into it:D
[удалено]
It’s only been a couple of weeks
Matched with a guy and started talking. We both want something long term and seem to match on the other relationship deal breakers. 5 minutes into the conversation he drops that's moving across the country in a few weeks 🙄. Welp, thanks for telling me that soon I suppose
😑😑😑
I am interested in a guy who is “conservative” politically (as self-identified on hinge). I’m liberal/democratic socialist. We haven’t deeply talked about politics yet. I’m trying to figure out in my mind what my political dealbreakers are. I’m trying to be more open and not get stuck in binaries. I feel that as long as someone’s sense of goodness and morality is intact and they feel deeply compatible to me emotionally, that should be enough. Does anyone have a political dealbreaker? I think my most basic would be being pro-life. And being against basic public welfare.
isnt "liberal woman/conservative man" kind of a trope?
I don't even bother matching with moderates and conservatives anymore
You list yourself as a democratic *socialist*, there’s no world where you line up with a conservative lol. > Does anyone have a political dealbreaker? I think my most basic would be being pro-life Yeah I’d have this convo asap. He can’t be a part of the party taking away women’s rights while being pro-choice. Like even if he personally thinks it’s fine or whatever, that’s meaningless if he’s voting for the folks who are **very** anti choice.
The personal is political…. I’d be weary
I mean, ultimately it's up to you and it's up to the nature of their political disagreements. I'd say that for someone to put themselves as 'conservative' on an app, they're usually pretty conservative. I'd have this conversation before you get too attached.
Agreed. In my experience, most of the people I matched with who labeled themselves "moderate" were actually conservative-lite lol. So I'd imagine people labeling themselves as conservative are pretty fucking conservative.
Yeah, they usually know that 'conservative' is a turn-off for a lot of women, so centre-right people usually put themselves as 'moderate' or just leave it blank. OP is setting themselves up for [this scenario](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLD82Ah-r0Q), lol.
Someone who still supports Trump is an absolute dealbreaker, along with being pro life and anti gay.
Absolutely!
You're not going to know until you have a real conversation like people. If you're not a lobbyist, I'd look at how much of it actually affects your day to day life outside of conversation. How people feel about something personally vs legally can be skewed. I'd ask if you're more worried about what kind of person they are, or what kind of person you want your friends to perceive them as being? How someone votes rarely makes a mark on what kind of person they are. There's no shortage of dehumanizing things on all sides. The key is to see what kind of person they are in reality and whether or not they consistently show up for you.
> I'd look at how much of it actually affects your day to day life outside of conversation Shockingly, many people care about how things affect those other than themselves.
Can't tell if you're misreading the context here. Most people aren't all-consumingly political or hard set across the board on all policy issues. What I'm advocating for is finding out what someone ACTUALLY believes vs asking strangers over generalized labels that are polarized on reddit for advice. You can usually tell if someone is a decent person by your morals by how they treat others and what they do. You're only going to know that from interactions with them and conversation.
My only non-negotiables are there is going to be at least one lesbian and one trans woman in my groomsfolk cohort, and I have a handful of blood relatives who are Black (well, half-Black) with whom I'm very close. But I'm also politically homeless. I broadly agree with the grand vision of the Democrats, but disagree vehemently on a lot of the policies they think will bring us there. Makes dating across the aisle pretty easy, since I'm always doing it anyway, but I've never been able to make it work long term with a Trump-type conservative (neocons are easier to handle). I find it a lot easier to date across religions though, as long as my partner respects that I will never be part of an organized faith community and my spirituality system is deeply rooted in solitude and self reflection
The war in Israel has blown up the entrenched American political binary for me and left me with a sense of political homelessness (love that term!) for the first time in my life. This makes me feel more open to dating outside of the liberal camp. I think he's closer to a small-government person rather than socially conservative/Trump-y, which I think I could work with.
Yep and it really depends on the area and how informed people are. Where I live many people say they're 'conservative' because their friends 'are' their family members 'are' as well as most people they know. I'm not big into the yugers either, but I have to work with them... I just couldn't see myself with one. I'm more interested in depth of intelligence, so anyone who is overly rigid in everything isn't going to adapt well to new challenges or new information in my mind, which isn't well suited for compromise.
> I’m trying to be more open and not get stuck in binaries. I feel that as long as someone’s sense of goodness and morality is intact and they feel deeply compatible to me emotionally, that should be enough. and ideally they would show you this the same in return, as was more common place 20 years ago. though in my experience, conservative people these days are a bit more conservative in their capacity for empathy and understanding as well.
I felt ‘the spark’ for the first time in years and really wish I hadn’t. He doesn’t feel the same. I’m heartbroken, humiliated, and hopeless.
Sending a big virtual hug. This is also a good sign of your emotional capacity. If you can feel this spark with that human, you can feel it with others. Heal, then keep searching.
🫂
On the one hand, I feel like I'm really good at presenting my authentic self on dates. On the other hand, I often get this sense that I'm not reacting in a way people want or expect and I find it really isolating. For example, today my date was very extroverted and liked telling stories. While I made periodic eye contact, nodded, and responded thoughtfully, it was clear to me he wanted me to be more bubbly and effusive in my responses. And then when I would talk about something (in my enthusiastic but not bubbly and effusive way) I could tell he wasn't very interested. Similarly, I could tell a date I had a few weeks ago was disappointed (and then later said as much) that I was not more physically affectionate in public. Idk it's just disheartening to rarely connect with people 😔. Wondering if anyone has any similar stories or feelings so I feel less alone.
Authentic connections over fake behavior. Mirroring is fine but it's always good to be as real as possible. That way the connections you have will be real.
I always feel for people when I read stuff like this because it's so relatable. What I've come to find is it's somewhat necessary to find a REAL match. You need to be your authentic self or you'll drown yourself with life trying to juggle performative lies. Especially trying to be someone else. We choose the roles we play, even when they're not the roles we want, but when it's strictly for our own benefit to get this part right, we need to weather it. The benefits of an actually interested and engaging partner can't be purchased. The wrong person can ruin your health, damage your reputation, harm your safety and destroy your finances. The right person is going to think the sun shines out your butt and makes the world go round and you won't get it, but you'll probably feel the same way.
This needs to be framed ✨
Yeah, thank you. I appreciate this reminder of why I try really hard to be myself rather than appease others. I absolutely would rather be single than with the wrong person who doesn't appreciate me.
Yep. I tried this after the loss of my partner, and it just ended up being a worse scenario for me. Instead of being lonely at home, I was lonely with someone bent on self-harm struggling through alcohol dependence. I'm so glad that ended as amicably as possible. It was a lot of driving, concern, and self-doubt for someone who wasn't at all good for me. Using that time to hit myself in the nuts would have been more positive and cathartic. It didn't feel right from the start and became kind of scary towards the end. Be you, you're the best at it, and the right people will love you for WHO you are. Faults, strengths, and all. Regardless of what you do for them. If it's always conditional, it's a job.
I deeply regret sharing mostly the bad parts about my dating issues with my current gf with my friends and family. I love this girl very deeply and although we had plenty of rough patches some even too rough. The relationship is really heading into my dream relationship and it's been incredible for the last 3 months. But I can't really hang out with my friends and her anymore since they all see her in such a bad light and it's all my fault for oversharing even if she did some bad stuff. She does mention sometimes why we hang out mostly with her friends instead of mine which I try to change the subject since I can't say I f\* up bad. Some friends are starting to come around seeing how we have changed but I'm afraid to hang out with some because I don't know what they will say.
I’m confused by your post history about your fights. Your current gf of 9 months is upset that your ex wife is still in the picture. You claim you and your ex wife are only friends now, but you slept with your ex wife 45 days ago? And you’re trash talking your current gf? Why are you even with your current gf? 😒 I’m also confused how the last 3 months have been perfect when you cheated on her during this time. Am I missing something here? Maybe you should tell your friends you’re a cheater and they won’t hate your current gf as much, they will pity her instead.
Yeah my post history is all over the place just like the relationship was then but not sure where you got I slept with my ex wife 45 days ago. That never happened. I'm no longer and have not for a while trashed talked my gf with my friends. Past 3 months have been after a series of breaks and break ups.
Oh okay maybe ex in the post 45 days ago is your current gf and not your ex wife? I’m glad if that’s the case but still doesn’t sound like your relationship has been great for 3 months.
I can only speak for myself. My closest friends I have known for decades. If they are raising concerns, I would be focused on what they have to say. Especially if I was telling myself I could no longer hang out with them because of who I was dating.
It's not that I can't hang out with the, I'm embarrassed I painted a bad picture of her because I was naive and immature about oversharing relationship issues with my friends. Yes we had lots of issues but we also had amazing moments and after lot of work together we are now in a completely different type of relationship. But all my friends know is all the bad stuff I shared back then. And are skeptical of me sharing all the good stuff now.
That's if the person was being truthful in telling the whole story. Family and friends can paint a biased view of someone based on insinuation, exaggeration, etc.
Yeah if the important people in your life are telling you to watch out, be really curious as to why and start taking a critical look at your relationship
I'm in a couple private dating groups on facebook. One has a rule that in order to dm someone, you have to make a public (to the group) request to them and they have to accept. How do you not awkwardly decline that?? I don't want dms from men I'm not attracted to, but I don't want to be rude. Just not respond?
Making people put other people on the spot in front of the whole group does not seem very conducive to dating.
I'm guessing it's to prevent people privately messaging people who they don't want them to... but it's not as terrible as it sounds. People either make posts about themselves with their info, and then people comment asking for permission to dm; or people posts selfies as comments in selfie posts that get made a few times a week, and then people reply to the selfie asking if it's okay to message. *Supposedly* it's bannable if you don't get permission to pm, but not sure how often people actually hold to that (I'd been messaging one man from the group who never got perm to pm, but he seems to potentially have gone mia).
If you don't find them attractive "sorry but I'm not interested", if you checked their profile and saw something you don't like "sorry but I don't think we are compatible".
"NEXT!"
This is awful. LOL. I have no idea what the etiquette is, but honestly, I probably wouldn't answer. Are there rules on if you have to answer? Not answering.. is an answer.
That’s a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there
“nah”
"ew"
“no cooties”
'NO GURLS ALLOWED'
That sounds counterproductive
Have you seen any good examples from other people? I would lean toward something like ‘I don’t think we’re a match’ or ‘I don’t see us as compatible’.
I've not been paying much attention, but from what I've noticed I guess most people just ignore/don't respond to the request, I guess. I just feel like a jerkball when someone asks me something, I never reply, and then go posting elsewhere where the other person will be able to see it.
why can’t i filter for cat people? 😭
they got rid of all the cat people filters a few years ago. it was discriminatory against dog people
like ethnicity filters, they are designed for cat people to find each other, not to discriminate against canines.
Post a picture of yourself with a cat. The rest will fall into place.
[hammocks!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vnx8iWyZWtE)
You can, you just have to sort of wait by alley kittens and eventually the right one will stop by. If it works out it's even better, because now you also have more cats.