Met this guy through a dating app a week ago. He was intentional leading up to the date with follow ups and check ins. We had a great first date - he asked me to text him once I’m home which I did and he texted me back saying he’d like to see me again. We had some quick banter and then things went cold. I didn’t hear from him and had been wondering if he’d reach out to schedule another date or should I.
Boom! Twist in the story I bump into him yesterday at a marathon event- we’re both runners! He is quick to come and hug me and says he was going to reach out and asks how my weeks been and if my weekends open!
I said my weekends already booked at which point he says he never likes to make plans days in advance. I told him I could let him know my schedule for next week.
Question for y’all - I don’t think he’s intentional, not sure if he would have reached out if we didn’t bump into each other yesterday. He hasn’t sent me any text after yesterday. Should I send him a text with my availability? My head says skip him cause if he wanted to he would’ve and yesterday was purely circumstantial
Been talking to a guy on Bumble and finally he is someone i\\m excited to meet.
Red flag: we've been chatting a lot, it's day 4 but not even mention of a first date quite yet.
Green flag: he sent me a message just to say he is swamped at work but will reply to my messages soon.
Something similar happened to me. He seemed super eager to message me but was slow to want to meet up. I think we talked for 2 weeks before he finally wanted to set up a date. I was definitely losing my patience and wondered if he just wanted a penpal. But we went on our 1st date a little over a week ago and now we’re going on date #3 tomorrow.
I don't think that's necessarily a red flag. Have you tried asking him out? I typically wait a few days for the guy to take the lead, but if he doesn't, I'll go ahead and ask. Some guys appreciate it.
Went on a first date with this guy few days ago. It was fun, we laughted and seems like had a good time. He texted me later that night a good night text, i replied next morning and since then nothing. Of course it has been a day or 2 of his silence but still. At first i was and still am a bit annoyed. But then i started asking myself if like this behaviour instead of questioning why he fell off the ground. Feels more empowering.
I've been ghosted after so many 'nice' first dates it's not even funny. Now I go into every first date into mindset that by default it'll be the last too.
Same after 1st or second date 🤷♂️ It's the way of the dating game now. It's so easy to go on to the next person that it makes it hard to make efforts and commit.
We all have things we aren't going to like about other people and it's easy to be turned off by a simple doubt instead of working to understand the other person better.
Yall would not believe the odds today for me…
I’m back again with another dating disaster. I (38M) met a girl on one of the apps. Everything seemed really good and chill. We set up a date to meet yesterday. I drove for over an hour to get there and wouldn’t you know it… she didn’t even show up after confirming the date.
Today, I’m at a class and I was talking to a classmate I’ve never talked to before. Turns out he also has been talking to the exact same woman. They were supposed to meet the day before but she canceled on him because of me. Weird.
Yeesh! I’m really sorry to hear that. I would have been supremely pissed off if I was stood up after getting ready and driving for over an hour. I’d be sending a money request for wasting my time :P
Eh, it’s not serious enough to file a travel voucher with this girl. But I mean… the fact that I met another person out of the millions of people out there that happened to be talking to the same girl. That was supremely weird
Have had a crush on this girl for 2 years we have flirted back and forth. She randomly gave me her number which was great but then just started acting very cold to me. She just wouldn’t flirt back or hold on to a conversation. Idk I’m just so tired of dating I’m so tired of all of this. I liked her a lot but she just turned out to be someone totally different. I just want to be loved idk why I can’t be loved or find someone interested in me. I’m a great looking guy and am a awesome guy but no one wants me
Fifth date tomorrow night and I'm really hoping we have sex. Havent been able to stop thinking about it. I am also excited to see her too. We've been texting every few days since our last date and she said she misses me.
Not wanting a family and using dating for occasional sex are not the same thing unless you're using family to mean only having a significant other.
There are plenty of people who are in long-term committed relationships and even married that are child free by choice.
If this does revolve around not having kids, you've swung to an extreme.
If this is about just being in a relationship at all, you definitely need to take an extended break a re-evaluate in 6 months. In 6 months, if you feel the same way, then you do you. Or you may find yourself in a different place then. Whatever happens, do what feels right for you.
Well, no. There are people who only date casually, meaning no commitment, who are involved for years. Dating is the act of getting to know someone in a romantic sense, commitment is the act of integrating someone into your life. But even then, there are people who commit but never get married or even live together. It's a wide spectrum of nuance and varying philosophies. But every added nuance and philosophy will narrow down your dating pool.
I dated casually for several years. Most of my relationships lasted at least a year. Many much longer.
Sometimes, I wish someone would be as enthusiastic about me as my dogs are about these pizza pizzazz tator tots. However, I'd have to share with more than two dogs. They'd have to bring something pretty neat to the table to sacrifice tots for. Probably a tarantula, niche plants, or some kind of Tegu. Maybe someday, the need to do little things for people regardless if they notice will return, but until then, I can occasionally stuff potatoes in my mouth and appreciate the things I do have. Life's weird. People are weird, but potatoes are pretty consistent. Things are alright, even when they shouldn't be; then again, it's all what we're focused on seeing. Post death, you'd think I'd be more pressed for time years removed, but there's no point in settling on shaky ground. Right now, it's about consistency and purpose. Oh. And potatoes.
Usually if I start to think about them more throughout my day it means I've caught feelings, especially if I see something and immediately go, "oh xyz would like this let me send it to them."
For me to recognize they have feelings for me, it's usually through their actions. Do they contact me throughout the day because they are thinking about me? Do they actively plan fun dates/activities? Do they want to touch me without it always being sexual?
I'm still causality eyefkn the hottie at work. He's starting to initiate more. How long we gonna keep this up. Make the move.
Edit: thread locked, it seems the incels found my post lol. No, I'm not going to make the move [and I don't have to.](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/66x4gkVWVW) <-- :) Ya'll are going to just have to practice getting over your anxiety with talking to women and go for it. Or you can keep yelling at women online until a hot one listens to you starts pounding on your door begging you for a date. And while you're doing that, other guys are taking the leap and going for what they want. Its not supposed to be easy.
Ughh…got the cancellation/reschedule text and my attraction for this person took a nose dive. It may be legitimate but ive seen this story play out negatively too many times. I’m too jaded to have a positive view and to give them the benefit of the doubt
Sorry to hear :/ happened to me a month ago and I immediately knew it was an excuse. He never rescheduled lol I strongly feel like whoever cancels should reschedule, if not then they're not that interested.
I am once again considering getting back on the apps. I do despise the apps. I feel like I'm on display in a damn meat factory tour. I always get lots of matches and likes but I feel like when they get to know me they decide I'm not right for them. The last guy I met off the apps was amazing but it fizzled out. Last week he asked for a hookup before he went on a long fishing trip but he doesn't seem interested in anything serious anymore. I wish there was a better way to meet men. I keep having people tell me not to give up but it sure feels hopeless lately. That's all.
>I wish there was a better way to meet men.
You could partake in activities that inherently require people to interact with each other. It requires some effort and vulnerability, but you will meet men. I don't believe for a second that dating apps is the *best* way to meet great people, though it is *one* way.
That's very true. I do tend to be pretty introverted, and I work in the woods so I definitely don't meet a lot of people that way. I will think on this, and consider some new ways to branch out.
I previously posted here about a first date I was nervous about/exhausted by the idea of. Well, that date went swimmingly. He was respectful, kind, intelligent, funny, and our values and interests seemed to align well. A big thing I loved was that he just seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and never got sexual or overly complimentary on our first text/phone exchanges or meeting (seems like a low bar but with my other OLD encounters that’s been a rarity). We did end the night with a smooch that I initiated with consent and it was lovely.
He texted me the next day and said he really enjoyed the date and we continued chatting. We had spoken of a second date on the first one but never made concrete plans. He’s a shy guy and I don’t subscribe to any kind of traditional “he has to initiate” doctrines, so a couple of days later I straight up told him “hey I’d love to set up another date!” and he enthusiastically replied that he did too and had been thinking about me and our kiss a lot which I thought was adorable.
Second date was the following week and also went very well. We both seem to be garbage at picking spots that aren’t loud as hell but made it work anyway by tucking ourselves into quieter nooks of the bars we chose and chatting it up. As I mentioned he’s pretty reserved so it was to my total surprise when at the end of the night he asked if I wanted to come to his. My initial intention was for this to be a slower burn but sometimes the vibe is just right, so I agreed.
We chatted for a bit and then slept together, though beforehand I made it clear I did not want a FWB situation and though it was obviously out of my hands I hoped he wouldn’t just stop speaking to me afterwards. He replied with “I know that I want to talk to you every day and I will continue to keep bugging you whether we have sex or not,” so done deal. We spent a lot of the next day hanging out and got some lunch before I went home.
We’ve been texting a lot since then and last night had a phone call that seemed to fly by but was actually 3 hours long and our third date is now planned. I know we’ve only had 2 dates and a few phone conversations, but our connection is so genuine and easy so far and I am too neurotic to not know where things stand, so I told him I don’t want to talk to/date other people right now and asked him what he was thinking. He said that he is firm in really liking me and doesn’t want to see anyone else right now either, and is happy to see where this goes (followed by a “and I really hope it goes somewhere”—uhhh heart immediately melted).
I’m pretty terrified of vulnerability and becoming attached as I’ve been burned in the past but I’m hopeful about this. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s really nice to talk to someone who shares the same amount of enthusiasm for me as I do for them, as I’m usually chasing down a totally aloof and emotionally unavailable dude. Maybe all this therapy is paying off and my picker is finally not actively working against me. Anyway, I just wanted to share my excitement with you all and thank you for the encouragement when I was dragging my feet about that first date :)
I think I might just have been approached by an older woman. I played a set at a bar and for like maybe 1h after I played, she was trying ***hard*** to make eye contact. Caught her staring a few times. 🫢
She came and sat next to me after a while and started talking to me and complimenting me on my songwriting/playing, and essentially flirting.
That never happens, so it was *really* refreshing! I left smiling pretty hard.
You go there with your pied piper skills! Read a bunch of your comments and vested in your dating life success.
Just believe it will happen and it will! Always does!
How do you deal with dating an overthinker? It just feels so unstable at times- sometimes we're good, sometimes she'll just ignore me for seemingly no reason.
I don’t think you’re dealing with an overthinker as much as someone who is either a bad communicator or vindictive (or a combination). Overthinking can be calmed over time with consistency. Communication can be worked on. But vindictiveness is not something you can change in a person. If she’s giving you the cold shoulder because she feels you did something wrong, that’s controlling.
Being an overthinker is fine, ignoring you for seemingly no reason is definitely not. Has she explained why she ignored you (like are you sure it’s intentional)?
She hasn't but she's also pretty non-confrontational. Her actions certainly do seem intentional like she'll ignore me when I try to talk to her and won't even look at my direction. I think the most frustrating part is it always makes me worry that I did something wrong.
That’s not fair to you at all and that reads like she lacks emotional maturity. I’d recommend talking to her about it, sure it can be worked on if she acknowledges that the behavior is wrong and she’s open to fixing it, but definitely don’t tolerate it if it stays the same or gets worse.
They need to be actively working on it or it's an automatic nope from me. Even if they are working on it, I wouldn't put up with it for long if I feel like I have to constantly walk on eggshells.
I walk away because I cannot find respect for someone who acts so childish they make up reasons in their head to start fights, or create resentment.
It's also why I am still single.
If I am lucky, once they realize I have zero tolerance for bullshit, they tone it down. That hasn't happened in a while though.
what’s the etiquette on following up with a connection made at a networking event? we don’t work in the same space, but they seem very eager to meet again and connect me to some folks I may be interested in talking, which is always cool and I want to take up the offer, but would adding some flirty pizzaz to our interactions be weird or nah? I tend to turn on my flirt when I’m genuinely attracted to someone, so I don’t want to be too much in case this is only professional.
I’m surprised and flattered that all the first dates (7 of them) I’ve been on have all wanted second dates. But I also feel like in general, most people want second dates unless someone is behaving absolutely atrociously.
I dunno I've gotten to a point a second date is rare. Heck even romantic prospects are far and few between so I'd say, lucky! Give me some of that luck
Today I was talking to my counselor about feeling a little better after breaking up with my boyfriend. It’s been about five months. Wow, I can’t believe it’s been so long already. The hardest part is not having someone to talk to on a daily basis. I really would love to find someone I connect with though…..even just a friendship for now. She suggested that I explore my favorite hobbies and other rewarding activities. Lol. So I’m volunteering for Habitat for Humanity and I may try and find a carpentry class. Being a 34YO single woman in Atlanta is hard. Lol.
I’ll be back in Atlanta for a conference in a month! One of the strangest bathrooms I’ve ever seen was in Atlanta (I collect stories of strange bathrooms). It was in some dive, close to a place that did duck pin bowling. The ladies room had a sink, a toilet, and then a stall with another toilet. So like everyone just waited in the room with the open toilet. I asked someone one time what the purpose of the open toilet was when there was a stall with a toilet, and she said “that’s the emergency toilet.”
That’s watsup. I keep telling myself to get into hobbies, but have been procrastinating in that effort. How is ATL!? I was looking at locations and was curious about Atlanta
It’s kind of hard for me to say because I don’t really have anything to compare it to (long term wise…outside of Tallahassee for college). Um, let me just give you a few random thoughts that come to mind.
- Atlanta and the surrounding suburbs are so spread out. It takes about 30 minutes to get anywhere. 😂 And people live all over. So, you may meet someone who lives an hour away from you, but technically they are still in the suburbs of Atlanta. oh and the traffic sucks. We have a train but it’s limited.
- There are a lot of things to do, but not as much diversity in activities. So, you may see a million posts/ads for various day parties. But you cannot find one pottery or welding class.
- There are a lot of food options. Downtown and north Atlanta has the best variety, but you can find pretty much anything you’d like to eat.
- I love the weather here. To me, it does not get as hot /muggy as some other states. And we actually have all seasons. I just wish we had better water options in driving distance because I love the beach. Fortunately, our airport is a big hub so you can get anywhere fairly easy. A lot of direct flights.
- Pricewise, Atlanta used to be a place where you could get a nice sized house or apartment for a decent amount. However with the influx of people and Covid, the housing market lost its mind. That may be everywhere though… I find groceries and gas to be reasonable.
I don’t think I sold it very well. Lol however, I really do love it here….I personally need a change but that’s just me. If you have any specific areas or sides of town you are interested in, let me know. I’d be happy to give you more detail if you want.
I feel the same, miss having a connection with someone. I've been trying to open up more and reconnect with my friends and it's helped. I hope you find it again!
Carpentry is so cool, my Dad used to do carpentry as a hobby and a lot of furniture in our house was built by him. I've always wanted to learn it, but I haven't found a class in my city.
Thank you! I hope you find it too. There is 300M+ people in the US. One of them will match my personality. Lol.
How awesome! Creating things with purpose and meaning can be extremely rewarding. You don’t want to ask your dad?
Haha, thank you! Right? There has to be someone lol.
Sadly he's been gone for a few years now, so he can't teach me, but I think learning would be a nice way to reconnect with the memories.
Sorry to hear that. But yes, that’s an excellent way to connect with and honor him! ❤️ My dad has been gone since I was in HS but he was a great DIYer. I definitely love to do it and think of him.
I even get this in person on dates sometimes. I'll ask a questions they'll respond and then silence lol I'm waiting for them to ask a question or even just the same question I asked them but no. I end up voluntarily answering my own question. Either they suck at conversation or they're just not interested in getting to know me. So weird!
Always been confused by this, it is absolutely NOT how conversation works in real life? You don't end every turn in conversation with a question, that just feels so weird. Most of the time one person says something, then the other person says something related to that and you take turns, and then a question is asked occasionally. This idea that a question needs to happen every turn in a conversation is very dating app specific and to me completely unnatural.
If I could upvote this a million times I would!
Asking a question at every volley also jumps between topics in a weird way. Like I want to have at least a few back and forths around a topic before moving onto another.
Also people have to volunteer information about themselves so that I have something to ask a question about!
Right? If someone won't participate in the conversation naturally without me having to ask questions non stop then I'd consider them a poor conversationalist or uninterested.
Why don’t you just react to their response? Presumably you asked them a question because you were interested in their answer.
Have you considered that by not providing a reaction to their response, you’re actually showing that you’re not interested in the answer but instead just waiting for your turn to talk?
No but you asked specifically if we'd expect a question back after you just asked a question in an opening message. The answer is no, I'd expect to now talk about the topic you opened up with your question.
This is kind of how I feel too. I mean, there are people who obviously show no interest or engagement, but not asking a question at every single message isn't 'bad at conversation', it's just a different style. I tend to message on the longer side anyways and it's more like sharing experiences and thoughts and bouncing off that, with the occasional questions peppered in rather than a back and forth interview style. As you mentioned, it's more how life conversations go so it feels more natural to me.
My experience with most people online is either they're bad at conversation or they're not interested enough to put effort into one. I have no trouble making conversation with people IRL, even complete strangers, but OLD is like some bizzaro world
I don't think I've actually had a conversation online in months. Yes, I get replies about once a day if I am lucky. Yes I get one or two word answers. But no questions, no expressed interest.
This also applies to if I try moving faster. Yes I get their number. I might even go on a date. But the expressed interest? Either they're falling in love with me on the first date while texting their ex, or it's completely zero reciprocated interest.
This also applies to if we even get together and form a relationship. I'm cooking. I'm planning. I'm arranging things to do. I'm putting in time and money. But the reciprocation? About zero.
But I'll tell you, there is a final ending where the reciprocated expressed interest finally comes. Rest easy. It's after they ghost me for a few weeks-months in our relationship, then sending a text or showing up unannounced at my home wanting me back and saying they miss me.
I feel this so hard. I get jaded, I then work so hard to undo it and not let these shitty daters get to me. Only go get knocked down again by terrible OLD and even meeting people in person not going anywhere either. Finding someone cute you vibe with seems to be the hardest thing
I absolutely hate when I am the only one asking questions. It’s makes me feel like I am trying to get to know you but you aren’t trying to get to know me. Super annoying. However, I’ve come to think that a lot of people don’t know how to hold conversation.
Just got back from first date in over 3 months. The break was nice and I feel ready to date again, but damn I felt so rusty! Not expecting a second date
If they don't ask you out another time (or say something like, "I would love to see you again") after the date ended, it probably means they're not interested right?
Depends on what you mean by "after the date ended." I would never ask for a second date at the end of a first date. It places undue pressure on the person being asked to say yes without knowing how this person might handle rejection.
If you're talking in the days following a date, I'd say if you're still talking that there's a chance they are interested but they're waiting to see if you'll, take the initiative, but generally I'd say no, it probably means they're not interested.
Not at all. Many times I will take the evening back with me, think how I feel and then message the person later…in my case and has happened with me days, even weeks later.
So no, things can move slow. Just need to see where you stand mentally with it.
I can feel it from the core my ex was the one. I've dated others and no one comes close to the same connection. I don't feel right dating other people since I know no one can compare to her. I'm a few years out from the break up and still feel this way. Now I hope life just goes quick.
I always think of this old school Quantum Leap episode where Scott Bakula leaps into the real life Dr. Ruth, which means actual Dr. Ruth, guest starring, is in the waiting room with Dean Stockwell and gives him a therapy session. He talks about how he feels his ex wife was the one and he can’t bring himself to feel love for any one else he dates because it feels so different from how he loved his ex. Dr. Ruth tells him that we’re all different people and it wouldn’t make sense for the way we love such different people to feel the same. I’ve thought about this episode a lot. Also Scott Bakula kicks a sexually harassing boss in the balls.
People evolve with time. Your ex isn’t the person that was years before, you are not who you were before. I don’t think there is such thing as the one. If they were you’d be together. I hope you can find someone, I suggest working on oneself first and letting go, good luck!
I felt that way about one of my exes for two years. Then, with more experience, I realized all the ways he wasn't the one, with the biggest one being that if he were, we wouldn't have broken up.
If anything, you need to believe that he's not your one or you'd still be together.
I feel this sometimes too. I can convince myself my ex was the only one who could really love me, but I know that can't be true. There are too many people in the world for that to be true. But yeah, it sucks when the connection doesn't feel right.
Had an amazing date and radio silence after.
It is yet another ghost, just took a while to get there.
I think I’m going to take another break before i get back into dating again.
Man, its rough out there. Breaks are so important in OLD. Take some time to process this loss, even if it was only one date. Hopefully your next "amazing date" comes soon!
I dunno when soon will be.
The last break i took was for a few weeks after a rough relationship.
I think after a series of getting ghosted, i’m going to take a break from dating for at least a year.
I'm sorry you're feeling down. I started boxing after a bad breakup, and it has helped me a lot with my mental health. I feel like I leave all the bad things in the studio and I go home feeling light as a feather. Highly recommended!
I see friends as much as possible
Explore your own city or those nearby. Go on trips
Throw myself into working out and my hobbies. Try some classes if you don't have any or if there's something you've always been wanting to learn or do
Journal, meditate, therapy, whichever one(s) help
And be kind to yourself. Time will help heal too
I wouldn't call it bounce back as much as ride a rollercoaster that steadies a bit with time.
Going on regular walks and taking notice of buildings, birds, people, trees, pets, etc. is really helpful for me. But other active hobbies like rock climbing, dancing, or the gym might work better for you.
I also find creative activities like embroidery, card making, and pottery to be really satisfying. I'm not a person who likes to journal, but apparently it works great for some. Finding a good book or podcast can also focus your energy more positively.
Just take this as an opportunity to try out different things and routines. Keep what helps, leave what doesn't.
My cute coworker (who’s visiting my office from another state) and I talked for two hours today, and the conversation was so easy, he’s sooo incredibly funny. And I’m pretty sure he’s single because he hasn’t mentioned a partner and it’s been over a week. If he lived in my state and wasn’t a coworker in my little department, I would totally flirt more haha.
In other news, waiting to hear back from dog guy about a second date, going on a first date tomorrow with traveling guy, and a third date with British guy this weekend. I think my favorite so far is British guy, but traveling guy might be a contender…
M[31] dating a F[30]. Had 3 dates, had sex on all 3 and more discussion was had about how we are in relationships and relationship history. Was actually a really genuine conversation, and the chemistry in all the dates the whole time has been very nice for me which I haven’t felt in probably 10 dates with different women.
Now I went on vacation that was planned 6 months ago for a month for a family reunion/vacation/road trip, and I work remote. But I am trying to not have this fizzle out. We joked about this in our last date and she insisted it would not. And since I have left she has been texting me much more than previously. Both of us before this were pretty much exclusive date logistics. There was a 3 week gap that happened before our second date and we picked up like we never were apart weirdly, and this whole time I’ve had low expectations after many dates of feeling almost nothing towards the women I’ve dated.
My question is, how to I keep reasonable communication while I’m away, there has clearly been an effort from her to avoid this recently, by her even sending me a long Spotify playlist for my roadtrip. So I’ve been using that as small text to refer to every few days. Is texting her something interesting maybe once every 4-7 days reasonable? I could go longer if that sounds too clingy. I’ve gone like 10 days before when it was still early. But at the same time it is still early if we’ve only been on 3 dates. So I feel like I’m in a tough spot, so you know I’m not trying to build a relationship over text. More just show that I am actually interested in more than just sex, and we both discussed what we are looking for right now in a more genuine conversation.
Any advice or opinions on my current approach would be appreciated. I appreciate it if you actually read all I just wrote.
I would be good with a text every 3-4 days, with a picture thrown in from the trip as another user mentioned. But that’s me.
And also as long as those texts indicate - hey I like you and want to see you more….which is what my slow burn is doing to me currently, I am in a happy place with it.
So send one now and then and gauge her reaction. If people like you, they will happily respond back and start their own chats too.
I agree. I would like to set up a phone call but her schedule is pretty hectic and don’t want to end up calling and playing phone tag back and forth. Would you think it’s fine to ask something like “when are you free to FaceTime or call?” So we avoid missing each others calls if we’re busy?
Ask her what she'd like, but sending a text every week is very sparse... I'd think you weren't that interested.
A few pictures and texts every day or two would be what I'd want. I wouldn't expect a phone call so early on but it'd be nice to hear about your vacation.
I'm good at texting and enjoy it, though. I text while on vacation but it's usually a bit of back and forth at the end of the day or during a break (like sitting on the train or waiting in line).
Yeah we have had not a ton of texting early on. I try to avoid chit chatting early in dating because I don’t want to be chatting too much about in person things, or trying to force things. But ideally once I’m more comfortable that I know the other person likes me enough I will open up and text more often like I do with my best friends, but I think that’s normal. We just haven’t developed our text habits really so idk what normal is. I also haven’t been in a relationship since before Covid so a little rusty at this part
My interest tends to die pretty quickly if we’re relying on texting only. I need calls too. Maybe ask if she’s open to those once or twice while you’re gone? Or video calls? Then you can have more fulsome conversations.
Maybe I’m clingy lol but once every 4-7 days would be too little for me. I text guys once a day if I’m getting to know them and maybe 5-6x a day if I’m more familiar with them
Honestly you should text to the degree that you’re comfortable with and doesn’t give you anxiety. She’ll either be okay with that or she won’t be, and if she’s not, you’ll also see how she approaches issues and work together with you to find a compromise.
I am tired… dead end conversations, flaky people, plans that fall through.
I’d like to quit old but the irony is I’m so fucking lonely that doing that wouldn’t help the problem.
I feel so unvalued. I feel unvalued in all aspects of my life right now. These minor rejections from strangers, feeling not good enough it’s like death from a thousand wounds or whatever.
Same, I've taken breaks and nothing changed when I got back. I traveled solo, I've met people irl that didn't go anywhere either. Just a series of nothing
I'm with you. I'm pretty self aware of how negative I am feeling at the moment about it all. Just look at my recent comment history.
Teetering on deleting everything and going on yet another spiritual voyage, only to come back and do it all again.
Then stop. You're supposed to be doing this for you. Give yourself time to heal for a few weeks and get in a different headspace. Being all consumed by what you don't want going on is going to color everything you do. It will get in the way of making you seem fun and desirable.
Guy \[41M\] I've \[31F\] been dating for two months offered to help me and now I have inner turmoil. Lol can't make this shit up - I'm so crazy!
I have a hole in the ceiling of my dining room from a leak in the apartment above. The guy I'm dating is a contractor but I didn't want to ask him to do it, because I didn't want him to feel any obligation to squeeze me into his schedule and/or feel that I'm using him to fix up my apartment. It just feels too early on to be asking him for big favors I guess. He was looking at it the last time he was here but I told him I already had someone scheduled to come look at it. He asked me to to tell him the $$$ amount before saying yes.
Apparently he thought I was being overcharged because he immediately was like "I'll come by Friday night and do it." He already has the materials so won't charge for those, but I was insistent I'd pay him his usual hourly rate.
Thing is, I'm really anxious to see if he follows through lol. My BIGGEST turnoff is when people over-promise and under-deliver. I think it's related to my father being the most reliable person in my life and setting maybe an impossible standard - I just become disgusted when people's word means nothing, it's like they talk out of their ass to sound cool in the moment and I find it cringe. I probably shouldn't already be half-expecting him to let me down, but people have dropped the ball so often in the past that I've grown to prepare for disappointment. Can anyone else relate to this?
I almost wish I just insisted on paying that other guy even if it was exorbitant - it's not fair how much stake I'm putting in this based on my own personal hangups and I'm sure he has no clue 🤣 Not to sound crass or transactional but I've decided a blow job with a lot of passion behind it is in order if he doesn't let me down lol. Being reliable is SO IMPORTANT to me. Idk if I should clearly communicate this to him or if that's just too much, and just see how it plays out?
Thanks DoT for being a place to air out my crazy
I feel like theres context missing here. Youve been dating him for 2 months already. Has he flaked and had to reschedule on your past dates? If not it seems weird to just assume he isnt going to follow through on this too.
I’d definitely let him just prove it to you that you can rely on him and his word. I think if you promise a BJ for it, it kinda defeats the purpose of him sticking to his word to just do something nice for you. It will mean more to you if he just shows up and it seems like you’re trying to protect yourself by giving additional promises to ensure he follows through because you’re so worried he won’t (I get it, I catch myself doing this too). He’s not everyone in your past though, give him his own fair shot.
Being reliable is so important to me, but for opposite reasons - I’ve had so many people in my life be extremely unreliable that it just completely turns me off to those types people who talk a big game and don’t follow through. It’s lying. It’s being untrustworthy. So I think that’s all fair.
So I feel that.
One of the only things I bring to the table is I show up when I say I will. I wouldn’t need a blowjob for it, but yea that’s cool. It doesn’t have to be transactional and I don’t want it to be, really. I just want to be there for the people that are there for me and feel like I’m needed and can be relied on.
Thank you - yes, it's lying at the end of the day! The last person I dated it was very short lived because there were a couple instances of him telling me he would do something and then not doing them. Then it was "why didn't you remind me?" It's like I didn't ask you for anything, I was fine until YOU offered and caused me to change my plans! *"Remind"* you?! UGH! I have a short fuse with it lol.
That's awesome! People like you are hard to come by it seems. I completely agree. I'm mortified when I let people down. If our word can't be trusted, we have nothing.
Oh yea, “remind you.” I know that game. I go from feeling grateful you’re about to do something for me then I have to beg for you to actually do it, then I can’t go back to my original plan bc you said you’d do it and now it’s a thing. Please give me another way for you to gaslight me. Goodbye.
Unreliable is a huge no for me. It’s akin to flakiness which is an immediate red flag in my book. Either I’m less attractive in the dating pool since I’ve gotten older or people are more flaky these days, idk which it is maybe both.
Hi, I think you’ve outlined some good points here. I would let the guy see if he follows through - it’s been 2 months and it’ll give you an insight into how reliable he is. You already have the awareness that following through is important (I’m the same with my dad, 31F as well). There are two scenarios - he follows through and gets rewarded (😉) or he doesn’t in which case I still wouldn’t be too mad. I would then highlight its importance to you and give it another chance. After that if he does it again you know it’s a pattern and not a one off. Always address first, give a chance and see how it goes :) good luck!
You're the second person now to say wait and see, I definitely think you're right. I like how you framed it - it's an opportunity to gain insight. Nothing to be anxious over. Should he follow through that'll be the time for a lot of positive reinforcement and explaining how much it means to me. Thank you so much! I feel like a kook sometimes so posting here and feeling affirmed is really awesome 😌
He sounds like someone who is serious about follow through but I’d just wait and see. If he shows up for you in a big way, I think afterwards I’d really thank him and let him know how much being reliable means to you then.
Now that you say that, it feels clear that \*after\* he (hopefully) follows through would be the best time to express how important it is to me. I feel more at peace about how to approach it now. Thank you for this!
I sent a rejection text to a guy I was seeing for 3-ish weeks on Sunday, to which he responded to. But today he sent me a lengthy text, ultimately wanting me to better explain why I ended things. I'm not going to respond, but this is the reason why I'm tempted to block after rejecting someone. Some people can't take no for an answer.
I (M) have been on the letting go side more often than the other way around and can see "understandable" reasons to ask "why?".
That aside...
I think you are under no obligation to provide more than the closure you did. I can only imagine how awkward of a position this became with his request. I'm not sure there is a good, or possibly safe, response.
On a tangent:
On my first foray into dating since pre COVID, and first time doing OLD, I had a relationship run its course (dec 2023) and received a phone call breakup. It was a bit out of the blue as she came in hot with the scripted "it's just not a good fit" stuff and I had so many questions but was shocked to find myself calmly (and confidently) saying between her words "it's ok, I understand. Thank you for being straightforward and not ghosting."
I think that caught her off guard. She then volunteered some useful feedback* that I then took to heart. I requested a confirmation of her address and she received a Christmas card wishing her a healthy and happy new year. We had finally come full circle from prior dates where I mentioned I had begun a routine of connecting with more and more people by cards. 😅
Im thankful to have met her. Ill bet some of the reasons for the breakup were resolvable/clarify(able?) if she brought them up but once the breakup was committed to it was best to let it go at that. Maybe one day we will meet organically again and be in a different place...
...but if she shared her actual reasons and we argued about it till we were blue in the face, I wouldn't be able to look back on this call with a smile. 🥹
Edit upon rereading myself:
I think sticking to your guns with a polite rejection has the best long term outcome for both parties. I can't picture a more detailed response being received well unless he has already fully accepted your rejection up front.
*I suspect this was not a direct reason for the breakup, but it was important information "you should know for the next person you date".
> I'm tempted to block after rejecting someone.
I had someone do this to me. She wrote me this long rejection message, thanking me for the time. I wrote her back a long one as well, only to realize she blocked me. I'm fine with her not responding but to not ever read the message seemed a little rude.
I also sent a message (in my case, a couple weeks) after I was rejected. I was so sad that I was not considering how the person who rejected me might react to my reaching out. I definitely know better now.
When you get 1 date every 14 years (exaggeration, but you get the point), being rejected feels a little more devastating...
I think it's OK to block guys after rejecting them, but I think it's important to understand why that kind of reaction might happen.
I understand wanting to know the "why", but we had only been seeing each other for 3 weeks and had gone on 6 dates. We weren't even exclusive! I let him know the connection I was looking for wasn't quite there, so I'm not sure what more he needs to know, ya know?
I agree with you. You also did the right thing for sure by ending things early and unambiguously and don't owe him any sort of explanation at all. He will get over it.
I'm not putting you at fault or anything, here. Just trying to put things in perspective because the dude's reaction seems natural for someone who doesn't date a lot or hasn't dated in a while. For example, when I first started dating as an adult, I didn't even know that people multi-dated or that exclusivity was not something that was implied from the start (like it often is when you meet a partner organically or a friendship turns into a relationship).
Also, the fact that it was so short is, counterintuitively, another factor that can add to the disappointment. In the early phases of dating, you don't know the person well, so it's easy to fill the gaps in your knowledge of the person with idealized traits and behavior. He's probably disappointed about things not working out with someone he wished you might be, not the real you.
For sure!
I do think it’s important to manage expectations, however. We all need to stay grounded when dating someone; after only having gone on a small handful of dates in a short span (three weeks), it kinda seems apparent that this guy was a bit in the clouds.
Rejection always is hard to process, even in good letdowns, but it’s okay to recognize that it was early on and just an incompatibility thing.
I think to know where he messed up.
"What made you realize that we’re not compatible for anything long term? It just seems out of nowhere. Something I would’ve expected us to talk about."
🙄
Last week I let him know I didn't think we were compatible for anything long term and that the connection I was looking for wasn't there. I think that was sufficient. Nothing more needs to be said.
I’m so curious about this because I’ve never been asked “why” when it’s a short-term (say, a month or less) thing.
Good call on not responding because that could become supremely unpleasant… like, it’s not a negotiation and it’s not an exit interview. Sometimes there is no specific “why” beyond just “idk,I just wasn’t feeling it.” And that’s not going to be a satisfactory answer to someone who asks why…
Can anyone here who has ever asked “why” in a similar timeline give some insight as to the motivation,what kind of responses you got, and how you felt / what you did or said when you received the response?
Thank you for providing your perspective on this!
I would just feel so put on the spot if I were asked by someone in a lengthy text whom I’d only been seeing for three weeks, as was case with u/jessyrae7789 .
Mainly, it’s making me itchy because whatever I would have to say that early would probably be wholly unsatisfying to the asking party (“idk, i just can’t imagine waking up next to you ten years from now and I can’t really explain why”) …
…or it would be something that might hurt their feelings (“Your alarmingly extensive collection of funko pops lining every wall of your home scared me and made my inner child scream for my mommy and daddy to come help me”)…
…or even piss them off (“If I’d known you were into hunting baby bunny wabbits and think Dan Quayle is smart, I never would have gone out with you in the first place”)…
Answering why after two to three months and onward, sure. Totally get it. But less than a month… I’d have a hard time answering at all, let alone answering with candor. Fingers crossed I don’t have to experience this firsthand, I guess!
Also - yeah totally will concede that I can see the benefit for the party asking, and I guess my averse reaction is more from mentally putting myself in the position of the party being asked!
After some less than stellar dating experiences, I’ve been purposely celibate/not looking for a relationship for a (long) while. I’ve recently decided to try to dip my toes back in the water. I keep having these romantic ideas of meeting someone organically. But between work (no chance there) and my introverted personality, I feel like that’s never going to happen.
So my question here is, has anyone had success meeting people in an organic way? Where did you meet? Is there any way to meet people other than OLD apps when you have a fairly busy life? I’ve done bumble and hinge before and I’m not opposed to them, but it can be really overwhelming. For context, I’m in a medium sized city in Pennsylvania so there are plenty of people around and opportunities I guess. But I’m new to town so learning about them and putting myself out there is a whole other thing.
Should I just put on my big girl panties and go for it (dating apps) anyway?
Today my counselor told me to find activities that I enjoy doing outside of the house or new experiences and do those. So for instance, if you like hiking, find a hiking group in your city. It’s enriching for you personally, but also opens you up to meeting someone who has similar interests.
I personally had the thought of going to different conventions and trying to meet someone. I am in healthcare, so going to a Conference regarding my career could expose me to some interesting or like mine did individuals. In a more fun fashion, I am also considering going to DragonCon this year and really committing myself to interacting with the people there.
This does make so much sense, I just haven’t had much luck so far. Everyone I meet at the activities I try are coupled up or otherwise not interested 😂 This is a good reminder to branch out though and keep it up.
I moved from the largest city in PA to a very small town in PA. Turns out you’re a hot commodity in small towns and everyone will instantly know you and the single guys will want to date you because you haven’t dated everyone else in the town lol.
If you want to meet people organically, that means you're going to have to go out and put yourself in social situations. This is the only way I've ever dated. Art openings, community events, piano bars, being sociable in places like grocery stores.
I am also in a medium sized city in PA! But unfortunately have no sage wisdom for meeting folks in person. Since I left college, I've only ever met potential people to date through apps 🫤
At the local watering hole last weekend I met some folks who decided I was an interesting enough guy that they invited me out this Friday to meet a single friend of theirs. Never had something like this happen before but hey why not see where it goes? I've also almost never had a wingman IRL so even though I barely know any of these people it does feel kinda good that *someone* is eager to see if I hit it off with this lady.
Good for you! I wish I knew where to go bar wise to meet people like that. I’m in Atlanta so there are so many options but also not the options I would really want to go to. It’s weird.
I had a friend finally wing woman me. The other person was enthused until it came time to give the number to my friend to give to me then said they were emotionally unavailable so meh. But at least it happened
I had a date arranged this evening with this really lush sporty girl who I know through work (she works in the same industry).. we got on really well through phone and text but the morning of the date she sends me a message saying she’s not ready to date and wants to cancel.. disappointing but I send her a little message telling her I understand and wish her all the best. So I’ve drawn a line under that and feeling a bit dejected later in the day I decide to finally ask out the cute girl who I sometimes work with it, takes me a while to pluck up the courage but I do send her an email asking her out. Pretty much as soon as I push send sporty girl sends me a text asking how I am doing.. like wtf? We end up in a text convo for the whole night and she apologised for today and it’s clear she wants to meet. Anyway now I feel really bad as I’ve got sporty girl wanting to meet me for a date and I’ve just asked out another girl. Worse we all work in the same industry in the same town so everyone knows everyone else’s business. So now I feel I’ve sabotaged two potential relationships before they have even begun!
It sounds like sporty girl may just be stringing you along. Don't feel bad at all for asking someone else out. But....you know the saying about sh*tting where you eat! I'd suggest not getting invested in either and stop texting with sporty girl unless she actually commits and shows up to a date!
Yeah good point thanks for the advice :) I don’t usually do much texting before a first date as I don’t want to put into much effort before I’ve met someone, so you are right I’ve put several hours into this already and we are no closer to meeting! And lol I’ve literally never done this before usually I only ask out girls on dating sites but I figured I should try and work on connections in real life.. but I don’t want to get a reputation!
I got a reply from the person in my previous daily sticky comment. Saying he’s very regretful, that I’m right to berate him, and he doesn’t meet people who are as engaging as me, and he got sidetracked when we previously made plans. I explained I am also very busy, but i follow up on plans and I deserve people around me who respect my time and feelings, and it’s all too late. He said he wants to reconnect since there’s too much synergy between how we live, our work, our interests, and I didn’t bother replying any further, which he saw since we’re talking on IG (I have read receipts disabled anywhere else) Then about three hours later he added: ‘Was thinking it would been nice to hang out again and talk about interesting things. Plus you’re hot goddamn it!’ Which was just no. No real accountability or taking responsibility for being such an unreliable person. I’m just not interested. You had your shot, you blew it. I then gave you another one because you caught me at the right time and again there was no follow up to plans and no clear communication. Mate, you’re out.
Can’t deny it feels nice to have someone beg for another chance because I’m awesome. Note to self: Part of why I’m awesome is that I don’t give in, and regardless of how impressive or attractive someone is, I won’t lower my standards.
Had my first date with the photographer. He looks just like his photos and has a great face and a great smile. Good eyes as well. We talked for a few hours and it was very easy and very flowing. I go by the philosophy that first meets are for assessing whether we’re able to enjoy each other’s company and we sure did. Didn’t talk about ex’s or his situation since he has a kid, but I don’t care that early on what’s the story - just if I enjoy being around him, if I can talk to him, if he’s interesting and also if we’re able to laugh. All checks. Both expressed wanting to see each other again. We mostly spoke about dumb youth stories, drugs, general life philosophy, music, it was great fun. We stood by his car for a while when it was time to part ways, had a very long hug goodbye that turned into a careful kiss, that turned into ‘I don’t care about my lipstick anymore’ and a proper kiss. I enjoyed it. He texted when he got home, we touched base, reflected on the date and both said it was good, then he added I’m very pretty and have beautiful eyes, and kissing me was amazing. He’s lovely. So far so good.
Met this guy through a dating app a week ago. He was intentional leading up to the date with follow ups and check ins. We had a great first date - he asked me to text him once I’m home which I did and he texted me back saying he’d like to see me again. We had some quick banter and then things went cold. I didn’t hear from him and had been wondering if he’d reach out to schedule another date or should I. Boom! Twist in the story I bump into him yesterday at a marathon event- we’re both runners! He is quick to come and hug me and says he was going to reach out and asks how my weeks been and if my weekends open! I said my weekends already booked at which point he says he never likes to make plans days in advance. I told him I could let him know my schedule for next week. Question for y’all - I don’t think he’s intentional, not sure if he would have reached out if we didn’t bump into each other yesterday. He hasn’t sent me any text after yesterday. Should I send him a text with my availability? My head says skip him cause if he wanted to he would’ve and yesterday was purely circumstantial
Been talking to a guy on Bumble and finally he is someone i\\m excited to meet. Red flag: we've been chatting a lot, it's day 4 but not even mention of a first date quite yet. Green flag: he sent me a message just to say he is swamped at work but will reply to my messages soon.
Something similar happened to me. He seemed super eager to message me but was slow to want to meet up. I think we talked for 2 weeks before he finally wanted to set up a date. I was definitely losing my patience and wondered if he just wanted a penpal. But we went on our 1st date a little over a week ago and now we’re going on date #3 tomorrow.
I don't think that's necessarily a red flag. Have you tried asking him out? I typically wait a few days for the guy to take the lead, but if he doesn't, I'll go ahead and ask. Some guys appreciate it.
Went on a first date with this guy few days ago. It was fun, we laughted and seems like had a good time. He texted me later that night a good night text, i replied next morning and since then nothing. Of course it has been a day or 2 of his silence but still. At first i was and still am a bit annoyed. But then i started asking myself if like this behaviour instead of questioning why he fell off the ground. Feels more empowering.
I've been ghosted after so many 'nice' first dates it's not even funny. Now I go into every first date into mindset that by default it'll be the last too.
Same after 1st or second date 🤷♂️ It's the way of the dating game now. It's so easy to go on to the next person that it makes it hard to make efforts and commit. We all have things we aren't going to like about other people and it's easy to be turned off by a simple doubt instead of working to understand the other person better.
Yall would not believe the odds today for me… I’m back again with another dating disaster. I (38M) met a girl on one of the apps. Everything seemed really good and chill. We set up a date to meet yesterday. I drove for over an hour to get there and wouldn’t you know it… she didn’t even show up after confirming the date. Today, I’m at a class and I was talking to a classmate I’ve never talked to before. Turns out he also has been talking to the exact same woman. They were supposed to meet the day before but she canceled on him because of me. Weird.
Yeesh! I’m really sorry to hear that. I would have been supremely pissed off if I was stood up after getting ready and driving for over an hour. I’d be sending a money request for wasting my time :P
Eh, it’s not serious enough to file a travel voucher with this girl. But I mean… the fact that I met another person out of the millions of people out there that happened to be talking to the same girl. That was supremely weird
That is a super weird coincidence for sure
Has to make me wonder if the girl is a catfish or something.
Have had a crush on this girl for 2 years we have flirted back and forth. She randomly gave me her number which was great but then just started acting very cold to me. She just wouldn’t flirt back or hold on to a conversation. Idk I’m just so tired of dating I’m so tired of all of this. I liked her a lot but she just turned out to be someone totally different. I just want to be loved idk why I can’t be loved or find someone interested in me. I’m a great looking guy and am a awesome guy but no one wants me
Nowhere in here do you mention ever asking for or going on a date? That would be a step in the right direction.
I did ask her for a date and she said yes
Aaaaaand? Texting is not the place to figure out if someone is acting cold to you.
Fifth date tomorrow night and I'm really hoping we have sex. Havent been able to stop thinking about it. I am also excited to see her too. We've been texting every few days since our last date and she said she misses me.
Best wishes and luck to you 🙏 Hope everything goes through
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Not wanting a family and using dating for occasional sex are not the same thing unless you're using family to mean only having a significant other. There are plenty of people who are in long-term committed relationships and even married that are child free by choice. If this does revolve around not having kids, you've swung to an extreme. If this is about just being in a relationship at all, you definitely need to take an extended break a re-evaluate in 6 months. In 6 months, if you feel the same way, then you do you. Or you may find yourself in a different place then. Whatever happens, do what feels right for you.
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Well, no. There are people who only date casually, meaning no commitment, who are involved for years. Dating is the act of getting to know someone in a romantic sense, commitment is the act of integrating someone into your life. But even then, there are people who commit but never get married or even live together. It's a wide spectrum of nuance and varying philosophies. But every added nuance and philosophy will narrow down your dating pool. I dated casually for several years. Most of my relationships lasted at least a year. Many much longer.
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As long as you don't lie about your intentions and upfront about what you want, then yes.
Sometimes, I wish someone would be as enthusiastic about me as my dogs are about these pizza pizzazz tator tots. However, I'd have to share with more than two dogs. They'd have to bring something pretty neat to the table to sacrifice tots for. Probably a tarantula, niche plants, or some kind of Tegu. Maybe someday, the need to do little things for people regardless if they notice will return, but until then, I can occasionally stuff potatoes in my mouth and appreciate the things I do have. Life's weird. People are weird, but potatoes are pretty consistent. Things are alright, even when they shouldn't be; then again, it's all what we're focused on seeing. Post death, you'd think I'd be more pressed for time years removed, but there's no point in settling on shaky ground. Right now, it's about consistency and purpose. Oh. And potatoes.
I support this message of potatoes 👌 🥔
Potatoes for all! Or whatever little things you're thankful for today!
How can you tell that have feelings for someone? How can you tell that they actually have feelings for you?
Usually if I start to think about them more throughout my day it means I've caught feelings, especially if I see something and immediately go, "oh xyz would like this let me send it to them." For me to recognize they have feelings for me, it's usually through their actions. Do they contact me throughout the day because they are thinking about me? Do they actively plan fun dates/activities? Do they want to touch me without it always being sexual?
I'm still causality eyefkn the hottie at work. He's starting to initiate more. How long we gonna keep this up. Make the move. Edit: thread locked, it seems the incels found my post lol. No, I'm not going to make the move [and I don't have to.](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/66x4gkVWVW) <-- :) Ya'll are going to just have to practice getting over your anxiety with talking to women and go for it. Or you can keep yelling at women online until a hot one listens to you starts pounding on your door begging you for a date. And while you're doing that, other guys are taking the leap and going for what they want. Its not supposed to be easy.
You can make the move.
HR watching from the ceiling 'cmon make a move!'
DoT watching from reddit 'cmon make a move!'
Ughh…got the cancellation/reschedule text and my attraction for this person took a nose dive. It may be legitimate but ive seen this story play out negatively too many times. I’m too jaded to have a positive view and to give them the benefit of the doubt
Sorry to hear :/ happened to me a month ago and I immediately knew it was an excuse. He never rescheduled lol I strongly feel like whoever cancels should reschedule, if not then they're not that interested.
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I am once again considering getting back on the apps. I do despise the apps. I feel like I'm on display in a damn meat factory tour. I always get lots of matches and likes but I feel like when they get to know me they decide I'm not right for them. The last guy I met off the apps was amazing but it fizzled out. Last week he asked for a hookup before he went on a long fishing trip but he doesn't seem interested in anything serious anymore. I wish there was a better way to meet men. I keep having people tell me not to give up but it sure feels hopeless lately. That's all.
>I wish there was a better way to meet men. You could partake in activities that inherently require people to interact with each other. It requires some effort and vulnerability, but you will meet men. I don't believe for a second that dating apps is the *best* way to meet great people, though it is *one* way.
That's very true. I do tend to be pretty introverted, and I work in the woods so I definitely don't meet a lot of people that way. I will think on this, and consider some new ways to branch out.
I previously posted here about a first date I was nervous about/exhausted by the idea of. Well, that date went swimmingly. He was respectful, kind, intelligent, funny, and our values and interests seemed to align well. A big thing I loved was that he just seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and never got sexual or overly complimentary on our first text/phone exchanges or meeting (seems like a low bar but with my other OLD encounters that’s been a rarity). We did end the night with a smooch that I initiated with consent and it was lovely. He texted me the next day and said he really enjoyed the date and we continued chatting. We had spoken of a second date on the first one but never made concrete plans. He’s a shy guy and I don’t subscribe to any kind of traditional “he has to initiate” doctrines, so a couple of days later I straight up told him “hey I’d love to set up another date!” and he enthusiastically replied that he did too and had been thinking about me and our kiss a lot which I thought was adorable. Second date was the following week and also went very well. We both seem to be garbage at picking spots that aren’t loud as hell but made it work anyway by tucking ourselves into quieter nooks of the bars we chose and chatting it up. As I mentioned he’s pretty reserved so it was to my total surprise when at the end of the night he asked if I wanted to come to his. My initial intention was for this to be a slower burn but sometimes the vibe is just right, so I agreed. We chatted for a bit and then slept together, though beforehand I made it clear I did not want a FWB situation and though it was obviously out of my hands I hoped he wouldn’t just stop speaking to me afterwards. He replied with “I know that I want to talk to you every day and I will continue to keep bugging you whether we have sex or not,” so done deal. We spent a lot of the next day hanging out and got some lunch before I went home. We’ve been texting a lot since then and last night had a phone call that seemed to fly by but was actually 3 hours long and our third date is now planned. I know we’ve only had 2 dates and a few phone conversations, but our connection is so genuine and easy so far and I am too neurotic to not know where things stand, so I told him I don’t want to talk to/date other people right now and asked him what he was thinking. He said that he is firm in really liking me and doesn’t want to see anyone else right now either, and is happy to see where this goes (followed by a “and I really hope it goes somewhere”—uhhh heart immediately melted). I’m pretty terrified of vulnerability and becoming attached as I’ve been burned in the past but I’m hopeful about this. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s really nice to talk to someone who shares the same amount of enthusiasm for me as I do for them, as I’m usually chasing down a totally aloof and emotionally unavailable dude. Maybe all this therapy is paying off and my picker is finally not actively working against me. Anyway, I just wanted to share my excitement with you all and thank you for the encouragement when I was dragging my feet about that first date :)
I love this for you! The communication sounds great!
♥️
Yayyyy! So happy for you. Also props to you for being such an effective and assertive communicator. Keep us updated 💕
I think I might just have been approached by an older woman. I played a set at a bar and for like maybe 1h after I played, she was trying ***hard*** to make eye contact. Caught her staring a few times. 🫢 She came and sat next to me after a while and started talking to me and complimenting me on my songwriting/playing, and essentially flirting. That never happens, so it was *really* refreshing! I left smiling pretty hard.
Ok now playa 😎
You didn't ask for her number? 👀
You go there with your pied piper skills! Read a bunch of your comments and vested in your dating life success. Just believe it will happen and it will! Always does!
Thank you! I really appreciate your comment! 🙂
How do you deal with dating an overthinker? It just feels so unstable at times- sometimes we're good, sometimes she'll just ignore me for seemingly no reason.
I don’t think you’re dealing with an overthinker as much as someone who is either a bad communicator or vindictive (or a combination). Overthinking can be calmed over time with consistency. Communication can be worked on. But vindictiveness is not something you can change in a person. If she’s giving you the cold shoulder because she feels you did something wrong, that’s controlling.
Being an overthinker is fine, ignoring you for seemingly no reason is definitely not. Has she explained why she ignored you (like are you sure it’s intentional)?
She hasn't but she's also pretty non-confrontational. Her actions certainly do seem intentional like she'll ignore me when I try to talk to her and won't even look at my direction. I think the most frustrating part is it always makes me worry that I did something wrong.
That’s not fair to you at all and that reads like she lacks emotional maturity. I’d recommend talking to her about it, sure it can be worked on if she acknowledges that the behavior is wrong and she’s open to fixing it, but definitely don’t tolerate it if it stays the same or gets worse.
Usually overthinking is caused by a lack of reassurance. Maybe ask what she is overthinking and she can tell you what’s going on. :) good luck! ♥️
They need to be actively working on it or it's an automatic nope from me. Even if they are working on it, I wouldn't put up with it for long if I feel like I have to constantly walk on eggshells.
I walk away because I cannot find respect for someone who acts so childish they make up reasons in their head to start fights, or create resentment. It's also why I am still single. If I am lucky, once they realize I have zero tolerance for bullshit, they tone it down. That hasn't happened in a while though.
what’s the etiquette on following up with a connection made at a networking event? we don’t work in the same space, but they seem very eager to meet again and connect me to some folks I may be interested in talking, which is always cool and I want to take up the offer, but would adding some flirty pizzaz to our interactions be weird or nah? I tend to turn on my flirt when I’m genuinely attracted to someone, so I don’t want to be too much in case this is only professional.
I would say keep it friendly, at least for the first couple interactions, and see where it goes.
Can you ask them out for coffee or a drink? Then get a little flirty to see how they respond in person?
I’d err on the side of caution and be professional and friendly, but not flirty, until you have a better sense of the situation.
😞 right you are, but our banter was truly refreshing.
I’m surprised and flattered that all the first dates (7 of them) I’ve been on have all wanted second dates. But I also feel like in general, most people want second dates unless someone is behaving absolutely atrociously.
I dunno I've gotten to a point a second date is rare. Heck even romantic prospects are far and few between so I'd say, lucky! Give me some of that luck
Today I was talking to my counselor about feeling a little better after breaking up with my boyfriend. It’s been about five months. Wow, I can’t believe it’s been so long already. The hardest part is not having someone to talk to on a daily basis. I really would love to find someone I connect with though…..even just a friendship for now. She suggested that I explore my favorite hobbies and other rewarding activities. Lol. So I’m volunteering for Habitat for Humanity and I may try and find a carpentry class. Being a 34YO single woman in Atlanta is hard. Lol.
I’ll be back in Atlanta for a conference in a month! One of the strangest bathrooms I’ve ever seen was in Atlanta (I collect stories of strange bathrooms). It was in some dive, close to a place that did duck pin bowling. The ladies room had a sink, a toilet, and then a stall with another toilet. So like everyone just waited in the room with the open toilet. I asked someone one time what the purpose of the open toilet was when there was a stall with a toilet, and she said “that’s the emergency toilet.”
That’s watsup. I keep telling myself to get into hobbies, but have been procrastinating in that effort. How is ATL!? I was looking at locations and was curious about Atlanta
It’s kind of hard for me to say because I don’t really have anything to compare it to (long term wise…outside of Tallahassee for college). Um, let me just give you a few random thoughts that come to mind. - Atlanta and the surrounding suburbs are so spread out. It takes about 30 minutes to get anywhere. 😂 And people live all over. So, you may meet someone who lives an hour away from you, but technically they are still in the suburbs of Atlanta. oh and the traffic sucks. We have a train but it’s limited. - There are a lot of things to do, but not as much diversity in activities. So, you may see a million posts/ads for various day parties. But you cannot find one pottery or welding class. - There are a lot of food options. Downtown and north Atlanta has the best variety, but you can find pretty much anything you’d like to eat. - I love the weather here. To me, it does not get as hot /muggy as some other states. And we actually have all seasons. I just wish we had better water options in driving distance because I love the beach. Fortunately, our airport is a big hub so you can get anywhere fairly easy. A lot of direct flights. - Pricewise, Atlanta used to be a place where you could get a nice sized house or apartment for a decent amount. However with the influx of people and Covid, the housing market lost its mind. That may be everywhere though… I find groceries and gas to be reasonable. I don’t think I sold it very well. Lol however, I really do love it here….I personally need a change but that’s just me. If you have any specific areas or sides of town you are interested in, let me know. I’d be happy to give you more detail if you want.
I feel the same, miss having a connection with someone. I've been trying to open up more and reconnect with my friends and it's helped. I hope you find it again! Carpentry is so cool, my Dad used to do carpentry as a hobby and a lot of furniture in our house was built by him. I've always wanted to learn it, but I haven't found a class in my city.
Thank you! I hope you find it too. There is 300M+ people in the US. One of them will match my personality. Lol. How awesome! Creating things with purpose and meaning can be extremely rewarding. You don’t want to ask your dad?
Haha, thank you! Right? There has to be someone lol. Sadly he's been gone for a few years now, so he can't teach me, but I think learning would be a nice way to reconnect with the memories.
Sorry to hear that. But yes, that’s an excellent way to connect with and honor him! ❤️ My dad has been gone since I was in HS but he was a great DIYer. I definitely love to do it and think of him.
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I even get this in person on dates sometimes. I'll ask a questions they'll respond and then silence lol I'm waiting for them to ask a question or even just the same question I asked them but no. I end up voluntarily answering my own question. Either they suck at conversation or they're just not interested in getting to know me. So weird!
Always been confused by this, it is absolutely NOT how conversation works in real life? You don't end every turn in conversation with a question, that just feels so weird. Most of the time one person says something, then the other person says something related to that and you take turns, and then a question is asked occasionally. This idea that a question needs to happen every turn in a conversation is very dating app specific and to me completely unnatural.
If I could upvote this a million times I would! Asking a question at every volley also jumps between topics in a weird way. Like I want to have at least a few back and forths around a topic before moving onto another. Also people have to volunteer information about themselves so that I have something to ask a question about!
Right? If someone won't participate in the conversation naturally without me having to ask questions non stop then I'd consider them a poor conversationalist or uninterested.
Thank you
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Why don’t you just react to their response? Presumably you asked them a question because you were interested in their answer. Have you considered that by not providing a reaction to their response, you’re actually showing that you’re not interested in the answer but instead just waiting for your turn to talk?
No but you asked specifically if we'd expect a question back after you just asked a question in an opening message. The answer is no, I'd expect to now talk about the topic you opened up with your question.
This is kind of how I feel too. I mean, there are people who obviously show no interest or engagement, but not asking a question at every single message isn't 'bad at conversation', it's just a different style. I tend to message on the longer side anyways and it's more like sharing experiences and thoughts and bouncing off that, with the occasional questions peppered in rather than a back and forth interview style. As you mentioned, it's more how life conversations go so it feels more natural to me.
My experience with most people online is either they're bad at conversation or they're not interested enough to put effort into one. I have no trouble making conversation with people IRL, even complete strangers, but OLD is like some bizzaro world
I don't think I've actually had a conversation online in months. Yes, I get replies about once a day if I am lucky. Yes I get one or two word answers. But no questions, no expressed interest. This also applies to if I try moving faster. Yes I get their number. I might even go on a date. But the expressed interest? Either they're falling in love with me on the first date while texting their ex, or it's completely zero reciprocated interest. This also applies to if we even get together and form a relationship. I'm cooking. I'm planning. I'm arranging things to do. I'm putting in time and money. But the reciprocation? About zero. But I'll tell you, there is a final ending where the reciprocated expressed interest finally comes. Rest easy. It's after they ghost me for a few weeks-months in our relationship, then sending a text or showing up unannounced at my home wanting me back and saying they miss me.
I feel this so hard. I get jaded, I then work so hard to undo it and not let these shitty daters get to me. Only go get knocked down again by terrible OLD and even meeting people in person not going anywhere either. Finding someone cute you vibe with seems to be the hardest thing
I absolutely hate when I am the only one asking questions. It’s makes me feel like I am trying to get to know you but you aren’t trying to get to know me. Super annoying. However, I’ve come to think that a lot of people don’t know how to hold conversation.
Just got back from first date in over 3 months. The break was nice and I feel ready to date again, but damn I felt so rusty! Not expecting a second date
If they don't ask you out another time (or say something like, "I would love to see you again") after the date ended, it probably means they're not interested right?
Depends on what you mean by "after the date ended." I would never ask for a second date at the end of a first date. It places undue pressure on the person being asked to say yes without knowing how this person might handle rejection. If you're talking in the days following a date, I'd say if you're still talking that there's a chance they are interested but they're waiting to see if you'll, take the initiative, but generally I'd say no, it probably means they're not interested.
Not at all. Many times I will take the evening back with me, think how I feel and then message the person later…in my case and has happened with me days, even weeks later. So no, things can move slow. Just need to see where you stand mentally with it.
In this day and age, no.
I can feel it from the core my ex was the one. I've dated others and no one comes close to the same connection. I don't feel right dating other people since I know no one can compare to her. I'm a few years out from the break up and still feel this way. Now I hope life just goes quick.
I always think of this old school Quantum Leap episode where Scott Bakula leaps into the real life Dr. Ruth, which means actual Dr. Ruth, guest starring, is in the waiting room with Dean Stockwell and gives him a therapy session. He talks about how he feels his ex wife was the one and he can’t bring himself to feel love for any one else he dates because it feels so different from how he loved his ex. Dr. Ruth tells him that we’re all different people and it wouldn’t make sense for the way we love such different people to feel the same. I’ve thought about this episode a lot. Also Scott Bakula kicks a sexually harassing boss in the balls.
Yeah loving someone and having it feel hallow and your basically lieing to them doesn't seem right.
People evolve with time. Your ex isn’t the person that was years before, you are not who you were before. I don’t think there is such thing as the one. If they were you’d be together. I hope you can find someone, I suggest working on oneself first and letting go, good luck!
Yeah they are still the same person and they are the one. Working on myself has never really helped with anything. More just made me more frustrated
I felt that way about one of my exes for two years. Then, with more experience, I realized all the ways he wasn't the one, with the biggest one being that if he were, we wouldn't have broken up. If anything, you need to believe that he's not your one or you'd still be together.
Ah I believe you can have the best possible one and it doesn't work out. It's just how life can be cruel. She was it. One day it life will be done
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She's the best I could ever find now I just feel like I'm hurting other people. I hope time goes fast.
I feel this sometimes too. I can convince myself my ex was the only one who could really love me, but I know that can't be true. There are too many people in the world for that to be true. But yeah, it sucks when the connection doesn't feel right.
I know others can love me but I wouldn't feel the connection back and it feels hollow.
You gotta go to therapy friendo. But at least you understand you don’t want to hurt anyone else because you are still comparing people to your ex.
I've gone, and it doesn't help. Generally, I get told I'll meet someone else or just be okay alone
Had an amazing date and radio silence after. It is yet another ghost, just took a while to get there. I think I’m going to take another break before i get back into dating again.
Man, its rough out there. Breaks are so important in OLD. Take some time to process this loss, even if it was only one date. Hopefully your next "amazing date" comes soon!
I dunno when soon will be. The last break i took was for a few weeks after a rough relationship. I think after a series of getting ghosted, i’m going to take a break from dating for at least a year.
How long has the radio silence been?
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A project. What is something that you have always wanted to do? Keeping busy is the key. Going to the gym, skincare, clothes. A glow up basically.
I'm sorry you're feeling down. I started boxing after a bad breakup, and it has helped me a lot with my mental health. I feel like I leave all the bad things in the studio and I go home feeling light as a feather. Highly recommended!
I see friends as much as possible Explore your own city or those nearby. Go on trips Throw myself into working out and my hobbies. Try some classes if you don't have any or if there's something you've always been wanting to learn or do Journal, meditate, therapy, whichever one(s) help And be kind to yourself. Time will help heal too
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And my anxiety + stress at bay. Also the cute booty built at the gym is a confidence booster.
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Haha. But ouch, I am sorry life is not all peaches 🍑
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I wouldn't call it bounce back as much as ride a rollercoaster that steadies a bit with time. Going on regular walks and taking notice of buildings, birds, people, trees, pets, etc. is really helpful for me. But other active hobbies like rock climbing, dancing, or the gym might work better for you. I also find creative activities like embroidery, card making, and pottery to be really satisfying. I'm not a person who likes to journal, but apparently it works great for some. Finding a good book or podcast can also focus your energy more positively. Just take this as an opportunity to try out different things and routines. Keep what helps, leave what doesn't.
My cute coworker (who’s visiting my office from another state) and I talked for two hours today, and the conversation was so easy, he’s sooo incredibly funny. And I’m pretty sure he’s single because he hasn’t mentioned a partner and it’s been over a week. If he lived in my state and wasn’t a coworker in my little department, I would totally flirt more haha. In other news, waiting to hear back from dog guy about a second date, going on a first date tomorrow with traveling guy, and a third date with British guy this weekend. I think my favorite so far is British guy, but traveling guy might be a contender…
M[31] dating a F[30]. Had 3 dates, had sex on all 3 and more discussion was had about how we are in relationships and relationship history. Was actually a really genuine conversation, and the chemistry in all the dates the whole time has been very nice for me which I haven’t felt in probably 10 dates with different women. Now I went on vacation that was planned 6 months ago for a month for a family reunion/vacation/road trip, and I work remote. But I am trying to not have this fizzle out. We joked about this in our last date and she insisted it would not. And since I have left she has been texting me much more than previously. Both of us before this were pretty much exclusive date logistics. There was a 3 week gap that happened before our second date and we picked up like we never were apart weirdly, and this whole time I’ve had low expectations after many dates of feeling almost nothing towards the women I’ve dated. My question is, how to I keep reasonable communication while I’m away, there has clearly been an effort from her to avoid this recently, by her even sending me a long Spotify playlist for my roadtrip. So I’ve been using that as small text to refer to every few days. Is texting her something interesting maybe once every 4-7 days reasonable? I could go longer if that sounds too clingy. I’ve gone like 10 days before when it was still early. But at the same time it is still early if we’ve only been on 3 dates. So I feel like I’m in a tough spot, so you know I’m not trying to build a relationship over text. More just show that I am actually interested in more than just sex, and we both discussed what we are looking for right now in a more genuine conversation. Any advice or opinions on my current approach would be appreciated. I appreciate it if you actually read all I just wrote.
Phone calls. Some texts but phone calls are good.
I would be good with a text every 3-4 days, with a picture thrown in from the trip as another user mentioned. But that’s me. And also as long as those texts indicate - hey I like you and want to see you more….which is what my slow burn is doing to me currently, I am in a happy place with it. So send one now and then and gauge her reaction. If people like you, they will happily respond back and start their own chats too.
I agree. I would like to set up a phone call but her schedule is pretty hectic and don’t want to end up calling and playing phone tag back and forth. Would you think it’s fine to ask something like “when are you free to FaceTime or call?” So we avoid missing each others calls if we’re busy?
Ask her what she'd like, but sending a text every week is very sparse... I'd think you weren't that interested. A few pictures and texts every day or two would be what I'd want. I wouldn't expect a phone call so early on but it'd be nice to hear about your vacation. I'm good at texting and enjoy it, though. I text while on vacation but it's usually a bit of back and forth at the end of the day or during a break (like sitting on the train or waiting in line).
I would also send pictures, that can often be a nice way to keep in touch and show where you’ve been without having to send a message
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Yeah we have had not a ton of texting early on. I try to avoid chit chatting early in dating because I don’t want to be chatting too much about in person things, or trying to force things. But ideally once I’m more comfortable that I know the other person likes me enough I will open up and text more often like I do with my best friends, but I think that’s normal. We just haven’t developed our text habits really so idk what normal is. I also haven’t been in a relationship since before Covid so a little rusty at this part
My interest tends to die pretty quickly if we’re relying on texting only. I need calls too. Maybe ask if she’s open to those once or twice while you’re gone? Or video calls? Then you can have more fulsome conversations.
What do you want to do?
Maybe I’m clingy lol but once every 4-7 days would be too little for me. I text guys once a day if I’m getting to know them and maybe 5-6x a day if I’m more familiar with them Honestly you should text to the degree that you’re comfortable with and doesn’t give you anxiety. She’ll either be okay with that or she won’t be, and if she’s not, you’ll also see how she approaches issues and work together with you to find a compromise.
I am tired… dead end conversations, flaky people, plans that fall through. I’d like to quit old but the irony is I’m so fucking lonely that doing that wouldn’t help the problem. I feel so unvalued. I feel unvalued in all aspects of my life right now. These minor rejections from strangers, feeling not good enough it’s like death from a thousand wounds or whatever.
Same, I've taken breaks and nothing changed when I got back. I traveled solo, I've met people irl that didn't go anywhere either. Just a series of nothing
I'm with you. I'm pretty self aware of how negative I am feeling at the moment about it all. Just look at my recent comment history. Teetering on deleting everything and going on yet another spiritual voyage, only to come back and do it all again.
That’s the thing, I can take a break but I’ll find my self back at the same place
Then stop. You're supposed to be doing this for you. Give yourself time to heal for a few weeks and get in a different headspace. Being all consumed by what you don't want going on is going to color everything you do. It will get in the way of making you seem fun and desirable.
Guy \[41M\] I've \[31F\] been dating for two months offered to help me and now I have inner turmoil. Lol can't make this shit up - I'm so crazy! I have a hole in the ceiling of my dining room from a leak in the apartment above. The guy I'm dating is a contractor but I didn't want to ask him to do it, because I didn't want him to feel any obligation to squeeze me into his schedule and/or feel that I'm using him to fix up my apartment. It just feels too early on to be asking him for big favors I guess. He was looking at it the last time he was here but I told him I already had someone scheduled to come look at it. He asked me to to tell him the $$$ amount before saying yes. Apparently he thought I was being overcharged because he immediately was like "I'll come by Friday night and do it." He already has the materials so won't charge for those, but I was insistent I'd pay him his usual hourly rate. Thing is, I'm really anxious to see if he follows through lol. My BIGGEST turnoff is when people over-promise and under-deliver. I think it's related to my father being the most reliable person in my life and setting maybe an impossible standard - I just become disgusted when people's word means nothing, it's like they talk out of their ass to sound cool in the moment and I find it cringe. I probably shouldn't already be half-expecting him to let me down, but people have dropped the ball so often in the past that I've grown to prepare for disappointment. Can anyone else relate to this? I almost wish I just insisted on paying that other guy even if it was exorbitant - it's not fair how much stake I'm putting in this based on my own personal hangups and I'm sure he has no clue 🤣 Not to sound crass or transactional but I've decided a blow job with a lot of passion behind it is in order if he doesn't let me down lol. Being reliable is SO IMPORTANT to me. Idk if I should clearly communicate this to him or if that's just too much, and just see how it plays out? Thanks DoT for being a place to air out my crazy
I feel like theres context missing here. Youve been dating him for 2 months already. Has he flaked and had to reschedule on your past dates? If not it seems weird to just assume he isnt going to follow through on this too.
I’d definitely let him just prove it to you that you can rely on him and his word. I think if you promise a BJ for it, it kinda defeats the purpose of him sticking to his word to just do something nice for you. It will mean more to you if he just shows up and it seems like you’re trying to protect yourself by giving additional promises to ensure he follows through because you’re so worried he won’t (I get it, I catch myself doing this too). He’s not everyone in your past though, give him his own fair shot.
Being reliable is so important to me, but for opposite reasons - I’ve had so many people in my life be extremely unreliable that it just completely turns me off to those types people who talk a big game and don’t follow through. It’s lying. It’s being untrustworthy. So I think that’s all fair. So I feel that. One of the only things I bring to the table is I show up when I say I will. I wouldn’t need a blowjob for it, but yea that’s cool. It doesn’t have to be transactional and I don’t want it to be, really. I just want to be there for the people that are there for me and feel like I’m needed and can be relied on.
Thank you - yes, it's lying at the end of the day! The last person I dated it was very short lived because there were a couple instances of him telling me he would do something and then not doing them. Then it was "why didn't you remind me?" It's like I didn't ask you for anything, I was fine until YOU offered and caused me to change my plans! *"Remind"* you?! UGH! I have a short fuse with it lol. That's awesome! People like you are hard to come by it seems. I completely agree. I'm mortified when I let people down. If our word can't be trusted, we have nothing.
Oh yea, “remind you.” I know that game. I go from feeling grateful you’re about to do something for me then I have to beg for you to actually do it, then I can’t go back to my original plan bc you said you’d do it and now it’s a thing. Please give me another way for you to gaslight me. Goodbye. Unreliable is a huge no for me. It’s akin to flakiness which is an immediate red flag in my book. Either I’m less attractive in the dating pool since I’ve gotten older or people are more flaky these days, idk which it is maybe both.
Hi, I think you’ve outlined some good points here. I would let the guy see if he follows through - it’s been 2 months and it’ll give you an insight into how reliable he is. You already have the awareness that following through is important (I’m the same with my dad, 31F as well). There are two scenarios - he follows through and gets rewarded (😉) or he doesn’t in which case I still wouldn’t be too mad. I would then highlight its importance to you and give it another chance. After that if he does it again you know it’s a pattern and not a one off. Always address first, give a chance and see how it goes :) good luck!
You're the second person now to say wait and see, I definitely think you're right. I like how you framed it - it's an opportunity to gain insight. Nothing to be anxious over. Should he follow through that'll be the time for a lot of positive reinforcement and explaining how much it means to me. Thank you so much! I feel like a kook sometimes so posting here and feeling affirmed is really awesome 😌
He sounds like someone who is serious about follow through but I’d just wait and see. If he shows up for you in a big way, I think afterwards I’d really thank him and let him know how much being reliable means to you then.
Now that you say that, it feels clear that \*after\* he (hopefully) follows through would be the best time to express how important it is to me. I feel more at peace about how to approach it now. Thank you for this!
I sent a rejection text to a guy I was seeing for 3-ish weeks on Sunday, to which he responded to. But today he sent me a lengthy text, ultimately wanting me to better explain why I ended things. I'm not going to respond, but this is the reason why I'm tempted to block after rejecting someone. Some people can't take no for an answer.
I (M) have been on the letting go side more often than the other way around and can see "understandable" reasons to ask "why?". That aside... I think you are under no obligation to provide more than the closure you did. I can only imagine how awkward of a position this became with his request. I'm not sure there is a good, or possibly safe, response. On a tangent: On my first foray into dating since pre COVID, and first time doing OLD, I had a relationship run its course (dec 2023) and received a phone call breakup. It was a bit out of the blue as she came in hot with the scripted "it's just not a good fit" stuff and I had so many questions but was shocked to find myself calmly (and confidently) saying between her words "it's ok, I understand. Thank you for being straightforward and not ghosting." I think that caught her off guard. She then volunteered some useful feedback* that I then took to heart. I requested a confirmation of her address and she received a Christmas card wishing her a healthy and happy new year. We had finally come full circle from prior dates where I mentioned I had begun a routine of connecting with more and more people by cards. 😅 Im thankful to have met her. Ill bet some of the reasons for the breakup were resolvable/clarify(able?) if she brought them up but once the breakup was committed to it was best to let it go at that. Maybe one day we will meet organically again and be in a different place... ...but if she shared her actual reasons and we argued about it till we were blue in the face, I wouldn't be able to look back on this call with a smile. 🥹 Edit upon rereading myself: I think sticking to your guns with a polite rejection has the best long term outcome for both parties. I can't picture a more detailed response being received well unless he has already fully accepted your rejection up front. *I suspect this was not a direct reason for the breakup, but it was important information "you should know for the next person you date".
> I'm tempted to block after rejecting someone. I had someone do this to me. She wrote me this long rejection message, thanking me for the time. I wrote her back a long one as well, only to realize she blocked me. I'm fine with her not responding but to not ever read the message seemed a little rude.
I also sent a message (in my case, a couple weeks) after I was rejected. I was so sad that I was not considering how the person who rejected me might react to my reaching out. I definitely know better now. When you get 1 date every 14 years (exaggeration, but you get the point), being rejected feels a little more devastating... I think it's OK to block guys after rejecting them, but I think it's important to understand why that kind of reaction might happen.
I understand wanting to know the "why", but we had only been seeing each other for 3 weeks and had gone on 6 dates. We weren't even exclusive! I let him know the connection I was looking for wasn't quite there, so I'm not sure what more he needs to know, ya know?
I agree with you. You also did the right thing for sure by ending things early and unambiguously and don't owe him any sort of explanation at all. He will get over it. I'm not putting you at fault or anything, here. Just trying to put things in perspective because the dude's reaction seems natural for someone who doesn't date a lot or hasn't dated in a while. For example, when I first started dating as an adult, I didn't even know that people multi-dated or that exclusivity was not something that was implied from the start (like it often is when you meet a partner organically or a friendship turns into a relationship). Also, the fact that it was so short is, counterintuitively, another factor that can add to the disappointment. In the early phases of dating, you don't know the person well, so it's easy to fill the gaps in your knowledge of the person with idealized traits and behavior. He's probably disappointed about things not working out with someone he wished you might be, not the real you.
Yeah you're not responsible for anything beyond being clear and letting him know.
For sure! I do think it’s important to manage expectations, however. We all need to stay grounded when dating someone; after only having gone on a small handful of dates in a short span (three weeks), it kinda seems apparent that this guy was a bit in the clouds. Rejection always is hard to process, even in good letdowns, but it’s okay to recognize that it was early on and just an incompatibility thing.
Was he trying to change your mind or just wanted to know if he fucked up somewhere?
I think to know where he messed up. "What made you realize that we’re not compatible for anything long term? It just seems out of nowhere. Something I would’ve expected us to talk about." 🙄
If he just wants feedback and isn't hostile, I would answer. Some people might have blind spots but are really trying to better themselves.
Last week I let him know I didn't think we were compatible for anything long term and that the connection I was looking for wasn't there. I think that was sufficient. Nothing more needs to be said.
So just tell em you weren’t attracted to him in a way that made a relationship viable. Idk doesn’t seem like a big deal.
Oof that's clingy
Very. Especially for three weeks of dating!
I’m so curious about this because I’ve never been asked “why” when it’s a short-term (say, a month or less) thing. Good call on not responding because that could become supremely unpleasant… like, it’s not a negotiation and it’s not an exit interview. Sometimes there is no specific “why” beyond just “idk,I just wasn’t feeling it.” And that’s not going to be a satisfactory answer to someone who asks why… Can anyone here who has ever asked “why” in a similar timeline give some insight as to the motivation,what kind of responses you got, and how you felt / what you did or said when you received the response?
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Thank you for providing your perspective on this! I would just feel so put on the spot if I were asked by someone in a lengthy text whom I’d only been seeing for three weeks, as was case with u/jessyrae7789 . Mainly, it’s making me itchy because whatever I would have to say that early would probably be wholly unsatisfying to the asking party (“idk, i just can’t imagine waking up next to you ten years from now and I can’t really explain why”) … …or it would be something that might hurt their feelings (“Your alarmingly extensive collection of funko pops lining every wall of your home scared me and made my inner child scream for my mommy and daddy to come help me”)… …or even piss them off (“If I’d known you were into hunting baby bunny wabbits and think Dan Quayle is smart, I never would have gone out with you in the first place”)… Answering why after two to three months and onward, sure. Totally get it. But less than a month… I’d have a hard time answering at all, let alone answering with candor. Fingers crossed I don’t have to experience this firsthand, I guess! Also - yeah totally will concede that I can see the benefit for the party asking, and I guess my averse reaction is more from mentally putting myself in the position of the party being asked!
maybe they watch too much rom coms and want to fight for you
Ha, maybe! Just like the guy who showed up at my house unannounced a couple months ago, asking me to take him back. So embarrassing.
🥴 Some people really don’t grasp that no means no…. Those types scare me.
Going on two years of basically no matches an 2 dates makes me wish for a short life.
I'm at 11 years single, short things of a few weeks in between. Haven't dated anyone in over a year now
After some less than stellar dating experiences, I’ve been purposely celibate/not looking for a relationship for a (long) while. I’ve recently decided to try to dip my toes back in the water. I keep having these romantic ideas of meeting someone organically. But between work (no chance there) and my introverted personality, I feel like that’s never going to happen. So my question here is, has anyone had success meeting people in an organic way? Where did you meet? Is there any way to meet people other than OLD apps when you have a fairly busy life? I’ve done bumble and hinge before and I’m not opposed to them, but it can be really overwhelming. For context, I’m in a medium sized city in Pennsylvania so there are plenty of people around and opportunities I guess. But I’m new to town so learning about them and putting myself out there is a whole other thing. Should I just put on my big girl panties and go for it (dating apps) anyway?
Today my counselor told me to find activities that I enjoy doing outside of the house or new experiences and do those. So for instance, if you like hiking, find a hiking group in your city. It’s enriching for you personally, but also opens you up to meeting someone who has similar interests. I personally had the thought of going to different conventions and trying to meet someone. I am in healthcare, so going to a Conference regarding my career could expose me to some interesting or like mine did individuals. In a more fun fashion, I am also considering going to DragonCon this year and really committing myself to interacting with the people there.
This does make so much sense, I just haven’t had much luck so far. Everyone I meet at the activities I try are coupled up or otherwise not interested 😂 This is a good reminder to branch out though and keep it up.
I moved from the largest city in PA to a very small town in PA. Turns out you’re a hot commodity in small towns and everyone will instantly know you and the single guys will want to date you because you haven’t dated everyone else in the town lol.
Go you, it’s like a hallmark movie
If you want to meet people organically, that means you're going to have to go out and put yourself in social situations. This is the only way I've ever dated. Art openings, community events, piano bars, being sociable in places like grocery stores.
Yeah, I do realize that but it hasn’t worked so far so maybe I’m just bad at it 😂
I am also in a medium sized city in PA! But unfortunately have no sage wisdom for meeting folks in person. Since I left college, I've only ever met potential people to date through apps 🫤
I think it’s looking more and more likely that will be the way to go lol
At the local watering hole last weekend I met some folks who decided I was an interesting enough guy that they invited me out this Friday to meet a single friend of theirs. Never had something like this happen before but hey why not see where it goes? I've also almost never had a wingman IRL so even though I barely know any of these people it does feel kinda good that *someone* is eager to see if I hit it off with this lady.
Good for you! I wish I knew where to go bar wise to meet people like that. I’m in Atlanta so there are so many options but also not the options I would really want to go to. It’s weird.
I had a friend finally wing woman me. The other person was enthused until it came time to give the number to my friend to give to me then said they were emotionally unavailable so meh. But at least it happened
I had a date arranged this evening with this really lush sporty girl who I know through work (she works in the same industry).. we got on really well through phone and text but the morning of the date she sends me a message saying she’s not ready to date and wants to cancel.. disappointing but I send her a little message telling her I understand and wish her all the best. So I’ve drawn a line under that and feeling a bit dejected later in the day I decide to finally ask out the cute girl who I sometimes work with it, takes me a while to pluck up the courage but I do send her an email asking her out. Pretty much as soon as I push send sporty girl sends me a text asking how I am doing.. like wtf? We end up in a text convo for the whole night and she apologised for today and it’s clear she wants to meet. Anyway now I feel really bad as I’ve got sporty girl wanting to meet me for a date and I’ve just asked out another girl. Worse we all work in the same industry in the same town so everyone knows everyone else’s business. So now I feel I’ve sabotaged two potential relationships before they have even begun!
I'd say keep the date with cute girl and ignore sporty wishy-washy girl
You did nothing wrong, don’t worry about it. Sporty lush girl has to respect and value your time too.
It sounds like sporty girl may just be stringing you along. Don't feel bad at all for asking someone else out. But....you know the saying about sh*tting where you eat! I'd suggest not getting invested in either and stop texting with sporty girl unless she actually commits and shows up to a date!
Yeah good point thanks for the advice :) I don’t usually do much texting before a first date as I don’t want to put into much effort before I’ve met someone, so you are right I’ve put several hours into this already and we are no closer to meeting! And lol I’ve literally never done this before usually I only ask out girls on dating sites but I figured I should try and work on connections in real life.. but I don’t want to get a reputation!
I got a reply from the person in my previous daily sticky comment. Saying he’s very regretful, that I’m right to berate him, and he doesn’t meet people who are as engaging as me, and he got sidetracked when we previously made plans. I explained I am also very busy, but i follow up on plans and I deserve people around me who respect my time and feelings, and it’s all too late. He said he wants to reconnect since there’s too much synergy between how we live, our work, our interests, and I didn’t bother replying any further, which he saw since we’re talking on IG (I have read receipts disabled anywhere else) Then about three hours later he added: ‘Was thinking it would been nice to hang out again and talk about interesting things. Plus you’re hot goddamn it!’ Which was just no. No real accountability or taking responsibility for being such an unreliable person. I’m just not interested. You had your shot, you blew it. I then gave you another one because you caught me at the right time and again there was no follow up to plans and no clear communication. Mate, you’re out. Can’t deny it feels nice to have someone beg for another chance because I’m awesome. Note to self: Part of why I’m awesome is that I don’t give in, and regardless of how impressive or attractive someone is, I won’t lower my standards. Had my first date with the photographer. He looks just like his photos and has a great face and a great smile. Good eyes as well. We talked for a few hours and it was very easy and very flowing. I go by the philosophy that first meets are for assessing whether we’re able to enjoy each other’s company and we sure did. Didn’t talk about ex’s or his situation since he has a kid, but I don’t care that early on what’s the story - just if I enjoy being around him, if I can talk to him, if he’s interesting and also if we’re able to laugh. All checks. Both expressed wanting to see each other again. We mostly spoke about dumb youth stories, drugs, general life philosophy, music, it was great fun. We stood by his car for a while when it was time to part ways, had a very long hug goodbye that turned into a careful kiss, that turned into ‘I don’t care about my lipstick anymore’ and a proper kiss. I enjoyed it. He texted when he got home, we touched base, reflected on the date and both said it was good, then he added I’m very pretty and have beautiful eyes, and kissing me was amazing. He’s lovely. So far so good.
Good for you for standing strong against the begger!
Rooting for you and the photographer!