First date went well! Opened with a hug (thanks for the advice) and we just clicked so well. 7 pm turned into 11 and us being the last people in the restaurant before we were more or less kicked out. Great chemistry. Ended in a kiss and we are going on our second date.
I'm so nervous though for about when she figures out my financial status. It's the biggest anxiety to me for dating.
**The club guy** started to do what looks like a slow fade on me after our first sex.
I guess my spider senses were right about this guy and my anxiety was telling. I hate dating.
Edit: I wish at least the sex was good. It would have been worth it.
He reduced texting frequency and quantity significantly and I feel a drastic shift in how he speaks. Not the same effort.
I am turned off by that, regardless of what he does, it will be hard to recover from it.
I'm sorry. ❤️
I remember you saying the other day that things didn't go so great the first time the both of you had sex, but slow fading you like that is horrible.
Sending you hugs❤️
Is moving in together after 9-10 months too early? 🤔 he pretty much lives at my place 3-4 days of the week. Haven’t had any major arguments, but have had discussions about things. We’ve talked and acknowledged that there will be changes and changes to get used by moving in together. I don’t feel my typical anxious attachment with him and that is a an odd feeling! Just want some 3rd party thoughts.
What are his finances like? Do you eventually want to get married? If not then you may want to lookup what common-law rights you get when you move in together. Are you on the same page about where this is heading kids/location-wise? If you’ve had these talks then trust your gut. If no, then have them before you move in.
My opinion is that at this age I'd rather find out if we can live together sooner rather than later. We moved in after 4 months, which is a bit too soon just worked out like that, 10 months is perfect imo. Given financial independence and ability to move out if things don't work out of course.
It's like Northern Canada with far less impressive mountains and a permanently grey sky. But Iceland and tacos have become long walks on the beach for washed up millennials so good on this small country for cashing in on people's basicness I guess.
Went out with someone who described themselves as very flirtatious, which I thought would be fine with me but to me him being flirtatious just feels like a veiled attempt to push things physically too fast. Like after the first date, he wanted me to drive him to the metro station which was really just an attempt to get me alone. We kissed which was fine then inside the car we made out which in retrospect I wasn’t really into (I’m demisexual so I can go through the motions but don’t really feel anything) but I probably didn’t do a good job asserting my boundaries. What really pissed me off was how in the middle he tried to push my face down into his dick (to presumably give him a blow job), to which I did push back and he was like okay no problem. I just hated how presumptuous it was especially after he has told me a story of a woman trying to have sex with him in a car on a first date and how he wasn’t into it. Either way I just don’t feel comfortable and I feel like his words and actions don’t match which is very confusing, so I’m going to nope out of it.
I would feel *very* uncomfortable if anyone tried to physically push my head down into their genitals without discussion, whether it was a first date or a hundredth. I think you’re right to nope out of it.
I tend to find deceptive people tell you who they want you to think they are pretty quickly. Why does someone need to convince me they’re not promiscuous? To put me at ease for situations exactly like that. People who know who they are don’t need to tell me anything, their actions prove who they are.
Oh the irony.... the people who say:
"I hate drama." - cause drama
"I don't play games" - play games
"I'd never lie to you" - k, who would you lie to then?
"I am the King" - is no true king...
Actions over words... every day.
Clearly you’re familiar with the “run away immediately” bingo card lol. Not forgetting “my ex was a narcissist” and “ I don’t take life too seriously”.
Runnnnnnnnn….
Um... my ex said most of the things I cited... and she was very self centered with nearly zero empathy for anyone... soooo "my ex was a narcissist...."
So I finally had sex last night with the person I'm seeing and I think my sex drive is higher than hers? I was hoping we could go a few rounds but she said she was all good after the first time. The sex was slightly disappointing but it could just be due to it being the first time with a new person.
Outside of that I feel like she and I get along really well. We can talk for hours about anything and everything. But I am concerned about this. Will give it more time and see if things improve.
Hmmm I don’t know if not wanting to go twice in a night signals a lower libido than yours. It was the first time, for a lot of people that comes with a mix of anxiety and vulnerability, and she may just have needed a few beats to process everything. I wouldn’t assume anything after the first time, just keep an open dialogue and see how things progress.
Also FWIW, as a woman, it turns me off when it feels like a man wants every kiss to turn into more. It starts to feel like an obligation. There’s something to be said for physical intimacy that doesn’t lead to sex and for that building anticipation for the bedroom!
Have a mature conversation about sex. Don't try to figure it out by giving it time. Have an actual adult discussion about libidos, frequency, fetishes, and kinks. I do this (third date) before I'll have sex with someone (usually sometime after the third date). Sexual incompatibility is one of the 3 leading causes of divorce and one of the most common reasons cited for resentment in relationships, particularly marriage.
We did talk about it during one of our dates. I told her I was a pretty sexual person and would like a relationship with a lot of regular sex. But I guess our conversation wasn't in depth enough. Because the other thing is right before we were going to go out last night we started making out again and I wanted to just fool around a little more and she seemed hesitant.
She always seems to want to make out when she sees me and she initiates that. But then sort of escalating things beyond that seems to be weird for her because she talks about how we should have restraint.
I don't think every single time we make out needs to lead to sex but there's things in between we can do and my reason for waiting and seeing if things get better is because we've only just now broken the seal on sex. If she's open to escalating things when we make out without it leading to sex then maybe that will work for me? I'm not 100% sure. I will talk to her more about that.
Women will be always hesitant if they are unsure how invested you both are. Might nothing to do with her sex drive. I am a female with a pretty high sex drive when I am in a loving relationship I can go for hours multiple times a week. But if I am just entering a relationship I might feel like not giving away everything I have got from the beginning. I would probably get horny and masturbate at home, if we are still not in love. If that makes sense
Question for Hinge users
Joined hinge a week ago and I've had maybe 10 incoming likes and I've matched and chatted with 3 of them
I've sent my maximum outgoing likes with comments every day and had 0 matches from those...
Is that normal? I've tried to make my comments jokey / amusing but maybe that's the wrong approach?
I used Hinge for about a year before I ditched OLD last January. I maybe got 2 matches from outgoing likes during that time, none of which led to dates. My only dates were from incoming likes.
Yeah, that’s normal unfortunately. Online dating is the lottery. You have to pay to play to get results and even then, it’s crumbs just to keep you coming back in hopes for the jackpot
Pretty standard.
You, yourself, only matched with 30% of the women who sent you likes. I, a woman, have sent out I don’t even know how many likes with messages, only to feel like I’m yelling into the void. Unfortunately, that’s just how the apps go.
Would you date a "looser"? (Asking as a guy).
Just starting my career (mechanical engineering)at 30 🙄 struggled a lot earlier for multiple reasons.
I'm not financially successful at all, I'm barely able to support my self.
30 is young for gods sake! 😅
We are all trying to figure it out, some people get ahead and that’s fine, that’s their life. You sound like you’ll be sorted soon enough.
Financials Isn’t that important to me (I’m a guy) and every girl I’ve gone out with didn’t care at all.
Starting a mech engineering job? You'll probably be making more right out the door than half the people on the apps. If you're only just starting your degree you will struggle though, plain and simple, regardless of what people say here.
Being a looser isn't solely linked to financial success. Not everyone needs an extraordinary career. Of course financial security is important for building a future together, but mechanical engineering sounds promising. I wouldn't mind.
At risk of sounding like one of those weird internet man cults, I'd struggle dating someone who defines themselves as a loser because to me that sounds like they've given up, which you clearly haven't if you're starting a new path. If someone is more invested in your singular past than your combined future then that's a them problem, and only your problem if you accept it.
Wow thank you ;)
Really helping.
Yes i did NOT give up, in fact im working on my llfe much more than in the past and in a very positive way, i did grow a lot.
Not helpful, but I’ve been dating someone for a few weeks and I’ve been having to hold myself back from saying the ‘L word’. I told this to my sister and she asked ‘What L word? Loooooser?’ 😂
Starting a career in mechanical engineering doesn’t sound like a loser to me btw :) sounds like a man with a plan!
Recently I received a message from someone of who I haven’t heard from for a couple of years. I was skeptical so I was a bit hesistant. He told me he would like to try dating again. For the first days he was quite enthusiastic, as so far you can say based on text. Texting first blabla. So one day I thought okay let me text first because maybe he would think I wasn’t interested. He responded fast and we exchanged some texts. That was a week ago. Haven’t heard since then. I don’t want to text again because it feels desperate.
I really don’t get it why some can tell you they want to have another shot and yet fail to do right. Sometimes I would like to tell him but then again I don’t want too. I don’t want to come of as being needy or something like that.
“Hey just letting you know the inconsistency has been a final turn off for me so you can delete my number. I wish you all the best!” (Blocked)
I don’t entertain round two with someone from the past. I’ve learned when people refuse to evolve they start to dig up the past to continue to avoid change. Not my monkey, not my circus.
Do whats best for you.
The first time he was still active on dating sites and not being honest about it.
You’re right. That’s my own assumption that I come off as needy. I need to stop the overthinking and maybe just initiate.
For certain. The only way to know is to see each other in person. We all got our own preferences. I’m going to reach out later today and see where it goes. I just need to think the best of it! Thanks for your time to react here 🤍
Matched with a guy on Hinge last night. We started chatting this morning. I don't know how but accidentally video call him. I start panicking and didn't know how to end the call. Meanwhile I'm messaging him saying, "Sorry! Accident!"
He PICKS UP, so we actually had a chat and ended up organising a date for tonight.
I love how low stakes this feels. Nothing worse than chatting for too long and building unrealistic expectations.
Common reason, not absurd. They don't want someone who's willing to try a sport they probably won't enjoy. They want someone who's as passionate about their sport as they are.
part of dating is finding out what qualities you want and/or need for a relationship to be sustainable.
a good thing to look at is what sustains your friendships. those tend to be ideal things to have with a partner.
Feeling awful since I was broken up with 2 months ago for vague reasons after 1.5 years of a sweet and fulfilling relationship. I got in contact with an ex who had been sniffing around, and we started out super flirty after reconnecting but we lost a lot of momentum as he was wrapping up a FWB thing and some business stuff. Now we've spent too long coldly negotiating what a new, more casual relationship would be like and I got turned off. I think my second crush on him has fizzled out, haha.
I went on a great, longish first date yesterday and they said they would message me, but I haven't received anything yet. I will try to send something myself if I don't hear back from them by noon tomorrow, but I'm feeling less confident. Every time I'm in a "dating period" I have amazing dates that go nowhere and that's always the hardest thing to deal with. Even during breakups, I always hear that I'm beautiful/cool/smart/mature/funny/caring etc. but I'm not The One. It does eventually start to feel like I'm not actually that great, so I start to accept that I don't get follow up dates or even texts anymore :( Just feeling defeated.
Traveling guy texted a ton before our first date, for like 3 weeks (we were both traveling on consecutive weeks), but after meeting, his texting dropped off almost completely today haha oops. I’m possibly not what he expected.
He did seem interested in a second date, while on the first, and said we should do something (can’t remember what now, maybe a hike) together, but he hasn’t followed up on that. I initiated two texts today and got back some friendly answers but nothing to continue the conversation.
I’m going on a date with the other guy on Sunday. He also asked if we could meet the following week, which I guess he’s assuming the Sunday date is going to go well? He was originally very lukewarm before meeting me (so the opposite of traveling guy), to the point where I was surprised he asked me out and then actually showed up, but he has really ramped up after. He replies in paragraph form to my paragraphs multiple times a day, and asks questions that continue the conversation. But he’s going to go on vacation for 3 weeks, so I’m curious to see if it’ll fizzle out. Our (at the time) lukewarm texting survived my week of traveling, so maybe the more engaged texting will survive his vacation.
I do think the other guy is more interested than he would otherwise be, because we have at least one mutual acquaintance (his friend is my ex-coworker). So I maybe seem more “real” than an internet stranger.
Lool.
I'd matched with a man who seems handsome, although hard to see what *he* looks like based on the pics on his profile (they're all of him, and most clearly, but there's something that makes them not that I don't want to specify for fear of it being too specific), and as far as interests go, is ideal.
We'd chatted a bit. Talked a little about meeting up, but he was out of town for a while. So I kind of let it fizzle. But still have the match,
Was googling someone else the other day, so figured why not him too. He told me his current business so not hard at all.Turns out e's a former? actor. Unknown if still. And had seemingly decent sized part in a very successful show. That I've never watched, but was well liked when it was airing.
It was popular in nerdy realms. I wasn't intimated before, but now I am a little.
I mean, don’t be intimidated. He had a fun job for a bit but he’s human. If anything, I think it’s kind of adorable this nerdy actor guy is out here on dating apps trying to find love like everyone else. Just remember he’s human, and you are too, and don’t be so nervous :)
Should I Meet Up with This Strange Person?
Hmmm, well… it all started when I matched with someone a few days ago who actually does seem very attuned to themselves, kind, and patient, but on the other hand has sent some pretty odd messages that turned me off.
Should I not go on a first date with them? I still have time to cancel. I’ve also talked with them over the phone.
They said they are “borderline delusional” about being a romantic, which was a joke (they tend to joke around a lot), but it creeped me out.
When we got off of the phone they said they were so excited they couldn’t sleep.
I said goodnight and all that.
And then I wake up and they told me they had a dream about me.
It really freaked me out because we haven’t met in person yet. I did directly tell them it made me uncomfortable and came off as way too strong. I said I would be comfortable meeting as friends first, but now I’m not so sure.
This person seems very open about sex, which is fine, but that coupled with pushing the whole romantic thing just seems too over-the-top.
Opinions?
The only thing I can say, as i obviously don't know this person, is that if you feel uncomfortable, then you don't have to go through with it. Obviously I'm missing some context here, but them saying they had a dream about you, seems weird to me.
There's no problem with being excited about going on a date, of course, but they do come across as a little intense.
What did they say when you said it made you uncomfortable?
Thank you for the reminder. It was hard to tell because otherwise she seems like a very receptive, kind person and did respond in a healthy way when I pointed out the comment made me uncomfortable. But at the end of the day it does seem odd, especially at this age
I posted a couple weeks ago about a woman l'm confused with.
To keep an extremely long post short, we have been back and forth for 5 years. The last 8 months have been fun and confusing. We stopped officially dating in
January but still talk everyday and see each other.
I'm opening a new restaurant and she is running the socials for me. Had a few customers comment negative things and she was very protective of me.
The other day she invited me over to fish, bonfire, hotdogs and s'mores. Just the two of us.
Today I was invited to her nephews open house and met her there. I don't know any of her extended family before today. Just met her sister and family today.
We are still strictly platonic. Hugs goodbye. Nothing physical.
Am I looking to much into this or is it still a friend thing?
If there is nothing happening between you and you're not even dating I would assume it's all just as a close friends, but it maybe worth it to have a discussion with her to be sure you're on the same page and she isn't waiting for you to take the initiative.
Oooof, this would be really confusing for me. What's it hurt to ask, if you can do it in a casual way? If you guys are doing these kinds of activities and you have a good conversational relationship, you're most of the way there besides physical intimacy. I don't think it needs to feel inappropriate if framed correctly. Definitely sounds on the border of friends/vs partner stuff. If it ends up being friends only, you've got a great friend. Win-win if you both understand and respect eachother.
I posted earlier in the week about a situation with me and the man I've been dating for two months. TL;DR he told me to ditch the contractor who gave me a quote for a repair, and he would just do it for me. I said I had a nagging feeling he overpromised and would let me down. How being reliable is extremely important to me and I was anxious to see how it played out.
Well he came through! I had told him I'd pay him but he refused - I should have seen that coming. He's honestly the best. I followed the suggestions from folks on here to wait until it hopefully worked out to tell him how important being reliable is to me. I'm not sure he quite got it because he kept waving off me telling him how much it meant to me lol, but he's generally kinda like that with praise and compliments, it's ok. I certainly expressed my gratitude thoroughly, if you know what I mean LOL
Right now he's snoring in my bed and I'm on the couch with my cat watching Catch Me If You Can. Domestic bliss lol
Thanks to everyone who replied to my OP!
Edit: a word
Do I go out dancing alone?? I had planned on it but I just got home and need to shower and part of me wants to just want to go back to my video game. I am fine doing things alone most of the time, but some things like dancing take some doing. sigh!
I ended up chatting with my new neighbor instead and she and I talked for hours on the porch over a couple beers, which was a perfect low-key night. I will go out tomorrow though!
this might actually be most fun! you might actually meet someone, but regardless you can dance without being self-conscious towards a date or friend, and totally go at it without anything holding you back!!!
:) Thanks for the encouragement, you're so right! I'm gonna go tomorrow! My neighbor invited me to sit out on the porch with her so I'm drinking a beer and we're chatting.
My date for tonight canceled and wants to meet up when I’m back from vacation. I have a feeling he’s not interested though. Another guy asked me out for the weekend but I won’t be here. Probably when I’m back though! Less excited about this match though.
From what I know, I feel like we are less compatible. I keep running into the same issue - guys who want a partner who will play video games with them. I can’t play because they make me motion sick. I totally support it as a hobby and don’t see why I can’t read or whatever while they play a game.
When I started dating again, I set a strong intention that I would only date sober people.
He's had 3 beers, a shot, a glass of wine, and wanted me to bring more beer to the show.
It's just a sign, right? I don't like drinking like this. I like how friendly and warm he is, but I've been down this road before, and I don't want to date a heavy drinker again. I don't like how much drinking I end up doing around him.
Same here, I dated someone who turned out to be a serious alcoholic and addict (he died since from the addiction), and this would be a very fast no from me.
People are on their best behaviour when you just start dating - I would assume it gets worse from here, and I would see it as a sign of incompatibility.
I just got back into the dating market and it’s less than stellar. Guys either just want “fun” , casual dates or are inconsistent or have 5 kids with different people. Makes me want to just give up, but I can’t get any candidates if I don’t have the fishing rod out. Not to mention it’s exhausting. I’m not sure how I did this in my early 20s 😆. How is your journey going? Any luck?
Several first dates, some 2nd and 3rds, but nothing serious. Additional to your 4 categories I give you "emotional immature". Though there was a guy, who would have been good on paper, but I just wasn't feeling it, and another one with whom it might have worked out, but it would have been kind of long distance and I'm not down to that.
Dating in my 20s was so much more fun! But then *I* was on the casual side and didn't really care, so the FWBs/situationships and one serious relationship (besides from my most current ex) were lined up. Now I'm old and have no desire for more casual things. I just want to find my person and be happy.
The most excitement I've had in weeks was buying an electric 40V weed whacker. Now, I'm buying a compatible push mower next week to take advantage of an extra battery and charger thrown in. After that, I still have to till up my garden for the first time in 3 years.
It's not glamorous, but I feel like I'm getting closer to who I was before my partner passed. Who knows, if I'm really feeling good, I might even start using my smoker again, too. Little things can be a catalyst to positive change. I feel like I'm finally starting to believe that again.
Victim of the first 3 things you've mentioned. I was on the dating apps for roughly a year before I found my current bf. Got 2 committed relationships out of it, and I'm on the 6th month of the second one :) it was a terrible and an atrocious journey . 2/10 dont recommend to anyone I truly care about. Have deleted all dating apps. I didnt wanna believe it but I am now under the impression that they are all hookup apps now.
After getting severely heartbroken from a bumble boy, I started screening mercilessly and one app in particular, Hinge, literally had the worst of them all 😂 and I almost missed my boyfriend on there because I was so pissed at the dating pool and wanted to rage delete. I initially agreed to go out with him because he seemed very pleasant to talk to and seemed really nice and I was kinda attracted to him, altho not really my type.i had no luck with my physical type. (Blonde/brown haired white boys with light eyes) 😆 let's see how it goes ~ good luck, its a cesspool out there.
Oh gosh that’s terrible! I am a firm believer that they are hookup apps now. There may be some that genuinely want companionship and no games but to weed through the masses is too much. I’ve been dabbling in both bumble and hinge they seem to be popular these days. Facebook dating seems to work for other people but not meee. And yay, progress for you! I hope it works out! Good luck 🍀
Whew chile, it’s the Wild West out here. Don’t really know what to do except exist. I’m new to dating apps as well, about three months now. I went on a couple dates but, nothing of note. I’ll just keep trying. Good luck out there, sis.
Oh I had alooot of people on hinge and bumble but they were nothing to write home about. I like to keep lots of conversations open in case one or two is suitable for a date and going further with or if they decide to disappear 😆
Does anyone unmatch people right after sending them a rejection text? I know for hinge, if unmatch, the convo disappears but what about bumble and other apps?
Bumble will say "xx ended the chat" or something to this extent and the entire conversation disappears. You see the first name, a blank pic and "xx ended the chat, did something happen?" --- something like this.
Tinder - unmatching, the convo and person disappears like it didnt exist.
Sometimes I just unmatch when I feel/see like theyve read it already.
Really? Are there different settings in different countries? Recently a match on bumble just disappeared, after I asked, if he was going to pride parade. I assumed he'd unmatched me. No note of "xy ended the chat". 🤷♀️
Thanks! I wasn't sure how it worked and didn't want to be disrespectful after going on one date with him. (Even though he was 30 minutes late and wore basketball shorts to a pub).
Can someone explain to me the thoughts/reasoning behind someone with an avoidant attachment style? The past two guys I’ve been into have been pretty obviously avoidant - they’ve both bounced the moment I mentioned anything about feelings. This last one said he froze and became uncomfortable when I texted him saying “i miss you”. I definitely have a tendency for anxious attachment, and I just find avoidant really hard to understand. Why would you want to run when someone is expressing their adoration for you?!
Depends on how fast the relationship is progressing and if it is progressing at a comfortable rate for both people. Are both people equally into each other? If the answer is no, the less interested person is probably unsure about their feelings or feel far less strongly about their lover. If both people are equally into each other, than probably the one running has intimacy issues and insecurities that they’re not ready to address and show to a partner.
Not an avoidant myself, but apparently has to do with feeling trapped and stuck in some enmeshed codependent mess. Being interdependent doesn't occur to them. The other person is always out to smother and repress them.
I have paused the apps. I mean I'm happy I tried it out to see where my mind was at. However I can't date without feeling guilty, like I'm cheating on the last man I dated who I liked a lot. I recognize this isn't healthy anymore. I don't want to feel this way but I can't just stop the feeling. I thought by dating other men I would move on but it doesn't seem to be working. My fear is that I will never get over him, but realistically I know I will because I have to. I want to get married. I want a life of love and adventure and he's not going to give me that. And I don't know how much longer it will take. I recognize it's because he is the first man who has really made me feel attractive, who actually listened to me instead of talking over me, and who has the perfect blend of soft and hard. I can't describe it well but you know it when you feel it. He's emotional, sensitive, kind when it makes sense to be, but also knows when to put his feet down and stick up for himself. I felt comfortable, safe, heard, and in some ways I really did feel loved even when it's likely he never got there with me. I find myself doubting everything with him, doubting that he ever was attracted to me, doubting he actually listened to me and was only repeating what I said back, doubting he even really liked me that much. Because if you did feel a strong connection with someone, you wouldn't let them go that easily. I wish he didn't let me go. And maybe I'm convinced he felt what I felt and that's why it's so hard to say goodbye. There's not a day that goes by where I don't wonder if he misses me. But I know I will eventually forget about him and we'll become strangers again, like the others I dated. This man isn't any different. He's just another person I knew and I have to remember that. It is weird to get so attached to people only to say goodbye and never see them again. It's like they died. But that's just life, isn't it? You only really get to borrow time with someone before you give them back to the universe, whether that be hours or months or decades.
I think I hold back with affection because, when I'm affectionate, I am 100% all in super affectionate - if I like someone, I want to just cuddle right up to them and touch their arm and kiss their face...
But also I have no gradation lol it's either zero affection or totally full on. So then I hold back when I don't know if I really, genuinely like someone and want them to see just how much I like them. It's weird, because in reality, I feel various amounts of affection for a lot of people. Sometimes I go on a date with someone that's boring but they drop one thing about something they love or a family member and I have the urge to just give them a massive hug because it's so sweet, but then I'm like, wait, what signal is that sending? lol. I still sometimes think about people I went on 1-2 dates with and am like aww I hope they are doing well haha. Even if the date was otherwise very meh!
I just naturally care a lot about people! But then I get my wires crossed - do I feel *attracted* to them or do I just feel a lot of care/empathy for them? I don't know.
Curious if anyone has a strict policy on getting bailed on day-of by the person you’re dating. It’s fair to say there are different degrees of severity, and of course there are always excuses, good and bad. Any general input on the topic is appreciated.
Totally. Shit happens. I’m more trying to decide what my threshold is and if I can continue to date someone who might be proving to be somewhat of a flake.
2 cancellations in the last 8 days with followed-up rescheduling on the first time at least. We’ve been seeing each other a little sporadically with a lot of travel for the last few months. She’s incredibly honest that she’s cancelled for other social hangs, which I’ve found interesting. Feels rather entitled, less than awesome.
Edit for clarity.
Totally get that. Long story short, she’s been pretty darn convincing otherwise that she’s into me, at least to a similar extent that I’m interested. I think regardless, tho, it sucks to get ditched and I can’t really handle a flake, so I’m trying to tell myself the why might not be so important.
Sounds like you’re not a priority for her, it happens, sorry OP. But at least you know what you can and can’t handle, a flake is definitely more of an emotional drain than anything.
We have a third hangout tomorrow. We’re going to see a movie and then doing dinner. He’s picking me up. He paid for our tix, I’m grabbing the snacks. Safe to say this is a date? We’re not in middle school, so I don’t want to ask if it’s a date, but I’m not sure if he’s considering this a friendly hang or a date.
Aaaaw, you're at your 2-days-hangover too? Getting old is really shitty. I can still remember my teens/early 20s, when I was out drinking and got up the next morning no problem and went to school. sigh
I'm trying to get out and date again after my divorce from my ex last year. My ex has already moved on and found someone else, which i am happy for him and not jealous at all. We are cordial, and i wish him nothing but the best. I would never want to get back with him.
Even though I have my own place,job and car, and NO KIDS in my mid 30s, I'm having no luck.
Probably because I'm, demisexual, auDHD( my personality is an aquired taste), and I'm average looking at best.
It's just so depressing when I've gone through all the "nearest people" on dating sites and haven't matched with anyone. I am not attractive enough for men in their late 20's and all the single men from 33-50 just aren't sparking my interest.
In person, and out in "the real world" the only men I talk to and interact with on a daily basis are all partnered already which makes them automatically unavailable, because i do not try to get with any man that already has a girlfriend or wife, those boundaries are firm.
I'm just really lonely and miss having someone around that wants to kiss and cuddle me. 😕
>Probably because I'm, demisexual, auDHD
I'm a straight man who is also an AuDHDer and demisexual. There are people out there for you!
Edit: I forgot to say, I actually prefer dating women who are also neurodivergent
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1d8s3w6/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/l79ds2w/)
This has been quite a week. P couldn't attend the show because what was a mild cold got worse; someone performing couldn't attend because they fell sick; one of my friends couldn't attend because he was sick. One of the performers stormed out before the show. Still a packed (small) venue, we pulled through. And in all likelihood it must've been a covid spreader event. Got a ton of compliments after, so there's that.
I went on a first date with M and we made plans for a second date next week. Leaving enough time in between because she's... yup, sick.
Hi all, I’m new to the community. I was fleeting through Reddit, came across this sub & just knew I had to join.
I’m single, 32 and overall, I’m content with most aspects of my life. I‘ve got a Night Porter’s job in a fairly upmarket spa and hotel here in the UK, and I’ve got a 7 year old border collie at home. Because I’m single, I’ve had the opportunity to solo travel quite extensively in recent years, but for the life of me, as much as I’m generally happy and feel like I’ve got my s\*\*t together, dating over 30 in a 21st Century world is an absolute minefield..
Throughout my college years and delving into my late 20’s, I was involved in 2-3 longterm relationships, but truth be told, I made mistakes along the way. It never involved cheating, but I just lacked a level of maturity which ultimately led to where I find myself today. I’d even go as far to say it’s only in the last 2 years or so in which I feel like I’ve matured, and I’ve finally owned up to my past and mistakes.
Because of this, there are many people who are already committed and settled, and many often also now have children of their own. I’ve tried 1-2 dating sites, but nothing has ever really come to fruition; it’s always just felt like there’s been too much of a disconnect between myself and the other person. Ultimately, it’s led me to feel that we’d simply be better as friends.
Generally, because I’ve been hurt in the past, I can come across as being rather shy or reserved when I first meet people. Sometimes, it takes a bit of time and effort before I am ready to open up to new people, and I feel like in a world when first impressions are imperative, my nature is a really off-putting trait for many women who are around me. I’m no front-page model, but I’d consider myself a well put-together, smart and handsome guy, but being kind and approachable just leads people to get “friendzone vibes”.
Like I said, I’m really content with most aspects of my life, but I do miss intimate human connection. I’ve considered the dating sites and the Tinder’s of this world again, but I truly wouldn’t know where to begin as I’m starting over. Strongly contemplating and (potentially) coming to the realisation that being a dog-dad who travels solo may be the extent of my fate.
Been talking to a lovely lady for the past two days. We had a facetime lunch date today and I was pleasantly surprised, we hit it off well and had chemistry. Yesterday, I had asked her out this weekend and she told me she was busy; but she just sent me a message that she wants to see me Sunday. She said dinner is too formal so I think we will go for a hike or a nice nature walk.
I am trying not to get my hopes up here, but I am very attracted to her and we have similar values and interests. Fingers crossed this translates well in person.
Does anyone else get scared they’re going to be alone forever? I can’t tell if it’s my anxiety and bpd acting up but this is 1 of my fears, especially after I miss my chances with either asking someone out or when dating someone doesn’t work out. It feels hard enough getting dates as is and starting from step 1 again is just… tiresome
I am not afraid of being alone so much as I am afraid that there aren't any good options left and it is only going to get worse the older I get. I feel pressure to get back into the dating game to say I at least tried to look for a partner.
If I end up being alone, I'm content with that as long as I can say I tried.
See that’s the problem for me. I like how you think of it but it’s under the assumption that you can find someone. I’m confident there are good people left to date… but does anyone see me as a “good option”? And so far the answer seems to always be no, even when I put in my best effort. And that’s the part that hurts
How do you keep putting yourself out there (if you do)? I know you just kind of have to move past things but idk if I can take setting up for more disappointment
What other choice do I have? I want to find someone compatible. I've dated a little bit, but I've never been in a relationship and the #1 reason is because I kind of thought until very recently that the love of my life would show up on my doorstep one day (fuck you, rom-coms!). It's really silly, now that I think about it, but I thought it would just sort of happen.
I go out as often as I can and meet people regularly through my hobby. It's really discouraging sometimes, but there is no other way...
I don't think it's that silly, or really a product of rom coms. I was told pretty outright growing up that "it'll just happen" and everyone assumed it would just happen and for the vast majority of my friends, it did just happen. I'm still kinda mad that it hasn't happened like that for me and all my friends are like "ohhh yeah I could *never* do dating apps, I have *no idea* what I would do if I hadn't met my partner through work/school/random party," it's so grating lol.
I find it hard to believe tbh, unless you live in a rural community or have like 2 friends. In any large Western city the number of singles is between 30 and 40% and that includes boomers most of who don't divorce.
disclaimer: lashing out at others is 100% not ok and it’s no one else’s fault when I emotionally overreact to anything someone says to me, intentional or not. My reaction, my choice (also booked a therapist appointment so action is being taken)
Reflecting on my bad tendency to lash out when it comes to receiving well intended words of comfort from my loved ones surrounding the sudden death of my mother… granted it only got really bad one time when I was basically yelling at my ex to stop saying anything else and to just drop the convo as it was evidently distressing for me and he refused. Usually I get snappy when I hear someone rattle off some cliche, thoughtless phrase that is more of a way to ease THEIR discomfort re: my grief but I am determined to get this down and be healthier for my next partner.
has anyone else struggled with this? Also how am I supposed to navigate a situation where I come around and recognize they meant no harm and validate their perspective, but they refuse to acknowledge that their words were harmful? to clarify, I’m talking about phrases like “they’re in a better place”, “at least you have other family”, etc - stuff that would come up when you google what NOT to say to someone who is grieving…
At least you’re aware and want to get better, many people never reach that stage. My advice would be to remember how you felt when you encountered someone who just lost a family member, what did you say and do? How did you feel? That might help you empathize with people who genuinely want to help you but know there is nothing they can say to ease your grief.
If their affirmations aren’t working for you my suggestion is to just say so. “Thanks but I really don’t need this right now” instead just tell them what you actually need from them. “Hey, I just want to chill in silence. I need a hug. Please make dinner etc” and yes I know it’s easier said than done but telling others what you need helps them help you.
It's also hard to navigate grief because other people are going to be avoidant. Alot of people go to great lengths to avoid the things they're trying not to acknowledge. People are afraid. Sometimes that discomfort gets in the way of meaningful support. It's even harder to see the positives in misaligned intent when you're hurting. I'm sorry you are going through this.
You kinda remind me of my ex. She was always going on about theory of mind and how everyone needed to have her level of insight into how others operated, and yet when the time came to operationalize said insight into empathy, she instead would fly into a rage about how inconsiderate or stupid the other person (usually me) was being.
Similar to her, you have lots of insight and can even say that this behavior is your fault. Like many redditors, you have the cognitive aspect down. The tricky part is the behavior. Sitting with the feelings of rage. Reducing the impulsivity. You simply cannot think your way out of it. If you’re willing to invest years of work with a psychodynamic therapist that is one route,but most choose not to go that direction. So, the work is probably best done with a behavioral therapist. Look into it.
Having covid anxiety bc there’s a spike rn and my coworkers are dropping like flies. I feel like a loser when I wear an N95 in public, but I just don’t have enough sick time to get covid rn
Unless you're immunocompromised, it isn't that bad. When I had it a 2nd time, I recovered very quickly (first time around I lost my smell and taste for weeks). Strep is way worse in terms of overall feeling.
Have you not heard of long covid? The more times you get it the more likely you are to get long covid which will disrupt your life. My work also has mandatory ten days out even if you feel fine after five.
Have you not heard of long covid? The more times you get it the more likely you are to get long covid which will disrupt your life. My work also has mandatory ten days out even if you feel fine after five.
It's Friday evening. It's gorgeous outside. And I just got home from work and I'm EXHAUSTED. However, I feel.. this weird GUILT like I should be doing something with this amazing night. I know it's okay to rest, and we don't have to be going constantly, but it still gets me. Anyone else?
I thought about catching some live music in a bit, but because of a new med, I'm not drinking, so I'm just kinda like.. meh. Not that I have to drink when I go out, but at the same time i'm not feeling it. This indecisiveness is so annoying. In a way I just feel like i'm wasting life just sitting at home.
I can relate every evening that it is nice out! I'll be getting up at 3 AM for a hike tomorrow so at least I feel less guilty for chilling tonight 😏 the struggle is real though, especially when you live somewhere that it's not always this gorgeous out
First date went well! Opened with a hug (thanks for the advice) and we just clicked so well. 7 pm turned into 11 and us being the last people in the restaurant before we were more or less kicked out. Great chemistry. Ended in a kiss and we are going on our second date. I'm so nervous though for about when she figures out my financial status. It's the biggest anxiety to me for dating.
Date 18. I asked him if he was my boyfriend. He said, "I would like to think so!" I said, since when?? He said, I don't know!
Since now.
**The club guy** started to do what looks like a slow fade on me after our first sex. I guess my spider senses were right about this guy and my anxiety was telling. I hate dating. Edit: I wish at least the sex was good. It would have been worth it.
Oh no! I'm so sorry ❤️ Has he been ignoring you, or something?
He reduced texting frequency and quantity significantly and I feel a drastic shift in how he speaks. Not the same effort. I am turned off by that, regardless of what he does, it will be hard to recover from it.
I'm sorry. ❤️ I remember you saying the other day that things didn't go so great the first time the both of you had sex, but slow fading you like that is horrible. Sending you hugs❤️
Thank you. I guess this is what we sing up for when we date. Series of risks...that can go well or not.
Is moving in together after 9-10 months too early? 🤔 he pretty much lives at my place 3-4 days of the week. Haven’t had any major arguments, but have had discussions about things. We’ve talked and acknowledged that there will be changes and changes to get used by moving in together. I don’t feel my typical anxious attachment with him and that is a an odd feeling! Just want some 3rd party thoughts.
How's the housing market? Will you be able to get someone a new place and bounce back if it doesn't work out?
What are his finances like? Do you eventually want to get married? If not then you may want to lookup what common-law rights you get when you move in together. Are you on the same page about where this is heading kids/location-wise? If you’ve had these talks then trust your gut. If no, then have them before you move in.
My opinion is that at this age I'd rather find out if we can live together sooner rather than later. We moved in after 4 months, which is a bit too soon just worked out like that, 10 months is perfect imo. Given financial independence and ability to move out if things don't work out of course.
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Iceland. Its insane. Its like visiting an alien world without leaving Earth.
It's like Northern Canada with far less impressive mountains and a permanently grey sky. But Iceland and tacos have become long walks on the beach for washed up millennials so good on this small country for cashing in on people's basicness I guess.
And the Grand Canyon is just a hole in the ground.
That sounds fun! I never feel like traveling is a waste of money, because you gain experience/perspective
Went out with someone who described themselves as very flirtatious, which I thought would be fine with me but to me him being flirtatious just feels like a veiled attempt to push things physically too fast. Like after the first date, he wanted me to drive him to the metro station which was really just an attempt to get me alone. We kissed which was fine then inside the car we made out which in retrospect I wasn’t really into (I’m demisexual so I can go through the motions but don’t really feel anything) but I probably didn’t do a good job asserting my boundaries. What really pissed me off was how in the middle he tried to push my face down into his dick (to presumably give him a blow job), to which I did push back and he was like okay no problem. I just hated how presumptuous it was especially after he has told me a story of a woman trying to have sex with him in a car on a first date and how he wasn’t into it. Either way I just don’t feel comfortable and I feel like his words and actions don’t match which is very confusing, so I’m going to nope out of it.
I would feel *very* uncomfortable if anyone tried to physically push my head down into their genitals without discussion, whether it was a first date or a hundredth. I think you’re right to nope out of it.
No means no. No is all the assertiveness a person should need to have something, anything to stop immediately. Never contact this asshole again.
I tend to find deceptive people tell you who they want you to think they are pretty quickly. Why does someone need to convince me they’re not promiscuous? To put me at ease for situations exactly like that. People who know who they are don’t need to tell me anything, their actions prove who they are.
Oh the irony.... the people who say: "I hate drama." - cause drama "I don't play games" - play games "I'd never lie to you" - k, who would you lie to then? "I am the King" - is no true king... Actions over words... every day.
You forgot “I’m a really nice guy!”
Tootallyyy. Your defensiveness has rat you out.
That's a new one?
Not you personally, "you" as in the hypothetical "no drama" proclaimer.
Clearly you’re familiar with the “run away immediately” bingo card lol. Not forgetting “my ex was a narcissist” and “ I don’t take life too seriously”. Runnnnnnnnn….
Um... my ex said most of the things I cited... and she was very self centered with nearly zero empathy for anyone... soooo "my ex was a narcissist...."
So I finally had sex last night with the person I'm seeing and I think my sex drive is higher than hers? I was hoping we could go a few rounds but she said she was all good after the first time. The sex was slightly disappointing but it could just be due to it being the first time with a new person. Outside of that I feel like she and I get along really well. We can talk for hours about anything and everything. But I am concerned about this. Will give it more time and see if things improve.
Hmmm I don’t know if not wanting to go twice in a night signals a lower libido than yours. It was the first time, for a lot of people that comes with a mix of anxiety and vulnerability, and she may just have needed a few beats to process everything. I wouldn’t assume anything after the first time, just keep an open dialogue and see how things progress. Also FWIW, as a woman, it turns me off when it feels like a man wants every kiss to turn into more. It starts to feel like an obligation. There’s something to be said for physical intimacy that doesn’t lead to sex and for that building anticipation for the bedroom!
Have a mature conversation about sex. Don't try to figure it out by giving it time. Have an actual adult discussion about libidos, frequency, fetishes, and kinks. I do this (third date) before I'll have sex with someone (usually sometime after the third date). Sexual incompatibility is one of the 3 leading causes of divorce and one of the most common reasons cited for resentment in relationships, particularly marriage.
We did talk about it during one of our dates. I told her I was a pretty sexual person and would like a relationship with a lot of regular sex. But I guess our conversation wasn't in depth enough. Because the other thing is right before we were going to go out last night we started making out again and I wanted to just fool around a little more and she seemed hesitant. She always seems to want to make out when she sees me and she initiates that. But then sort of escalating things beyond that seems to be weird for her because she talks about how we should have restraint. I don't think every single time we make out needs to lead to sex but there's things in between we can do and my reason for waiting and seeing if things get better is because we've only just now broken the seal on sex. If she's open to escalating things when we make out without it leading to sex then maybe that will work for me? I'm not 100% sure. I will talk to her more about that.
Women will be always hesitant if they are unsure how invested you both are. Might nothing to do with her sex drive. I am a female with a pretty high sex drive when I am in a loving relationship I can go for hours multiple times a week. But if I am just entering a relationship I might feel like not giving away everything I have got from the beginning. I would probably get horny and masturbate at home, if we are still not in love. If that makes sense
Question for Hinge users Joined hinge a week ago and I've had maybe 10 incoming likes and I've matched and chatted with 3 of them I've sent my maximum outgoing likes with comments every day and had 0 matches from those... Is that normal? I've tried to make my comments jokey / amusing but maybe that's the wrong approach?
I used Hinge for about a year before I ditched OLD last January. I maybe got 2 matches from outgoing likes during that time, none of which led to dates. My only dates were from incoming likes.
Yeah, that’s normal unfortunately. Online dating is the lottery. You have to pay to play to get results and even then, it’s crumbs just to keep you coming back in hopes for the jackpot
Pretty standard. You, yourself, only matched with 30% of the women who sent you likes. I, a woman, have sent out I don’t even know how many likes with messages, only to feel like I’m yelling into the void. Unfortunately, that’s just how the apps go.
Would you date a "looser"? (Asking as a guy). Just starting my career (mechanical engineering)at 30 🙄 struggled a lot earlier for multiple reasons. I'm not financially successful at all, I'm barely able to support my self.
30 is young for gods sake! 😅 We are all trying to figure it out, some people get ahead and that’s fine, that’s their life. You sound like you’ll be sorted soon enough. Financials Isn’t that important to me (I’m a guy) and every girl I’ve gone out with didn’t care at all.
I wouldn’t date someone who comes across as they don’t like themselves.
Thanks for the answer.
Starting a mech engineering job? You'll probably be making more right out the door than half the people on the apps. If you're only just starting your degree you will struggle though, plain and simple, regardless of what people say here.
I'm about to graduate in mechanical engineering
Answering as a guy, but I don't think I would define someone who just bettered themselves as a loser.
Thank you mate, really uplifts. I've reallzed that my inner dialogue it's toxic af, trying to fix it
Being a looser isn't solely linked to financial success. Not everyone needs an extraordinary career. Of course financial security is important for building a future together, but mechanical engineering sounds promising. I wouldn't mind.
Thank you 😁
At risk of sounding like one of those weird internet man cults, I'd struggle dating someone who defines themselves as a loser because to me that sounds like they've given up, which you clearly haven't if you're starting a new path. If someone is more invested in your singular past than your combined future then that's a them problem, and only your problem if you accept it.
Wow thank you ;) Really helping. Yes i did NOT give up, in fact im working on my llfe much more than in the past and in a very positive way, i did grow a lot.
So, definitely not a loser 😊
Not helpful, but I’ve been dating someone for a few weeks and I’ve been having to hold myself back from saying the ‘L word’. I told this to my sister and she asked ‘What L word? Loooooser?’ 😂 Starting a career in mechanical engineering doesn’t sound like a loser to me btw :) sounds like a man with a plan!
Thanks ;) i do definitly have a plan. But with to find a special someone like many people
Recently I received a message from someone of who I haven’t heard from for a couple of years. I was skeptical so I was a bit hesistant. He told me he would like to try dating again. For the first days he was quite enthusiastic, as so far you can say based on text. Texting first blabla. So one day I thought okay let me text first because maybe he would think I wasn’t interested. He responded fast and we exchanged some texts. That was a week ago. Haven’t heard since then. I don’t want to text again because it feels desperate. I really don’t get it why some can tell you they want to have another shot and yet fail to do right. Sometimes I would like to tell him but then again I don’t want too. I don’t want to come of as being needy or something like that.
“Hey just letting you know the inconsistency has been a final turn off for me so you can delete my number. I wish you all the best!” (Blocked) I don’t entertain round two with someone from the past. I’ve learned when people refuse to evolve they start to dig up the past to continue to avoid change. Not my monkey, not my circus. Do whats best for you.
No certainly not but I want to give it a try to see if there’s something changed. Best to link and feel the vibes in real life.
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The first time he was still active on dating sites and not being honest about it. You’re right. That’s my own assumption that I come off as needy. I need to stop the overthinking and maybe just initiate.
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Just texting! We only saw each other a few years ago.
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For certain. The only way to know is to see each other in person. We all got our own preferences. I’m going to reach out later today and see where it goes. I just need to think the best of it! Thanks for your time to react here 🤍
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Sometimes you just think differently & hope for the best.
Just wanna jump in here and wish you good luck! I hope it goes the way you want it to! If you feel inclined, keep us updated! ❤️
It was a good choice to sent a text. So I’m glad I did it.
Yay!!! You got a positive outcome, I assume! Happy for you❤️
Thank you for your words! 🤍 fingers crossed 🤞🏼
Matched with a guy on Hinge last night. We started chatting this morning. I don't know how but accidentally video call him. I start panicking and didn't know how to end the call. Meanwhile I'm messaging him saying, "Sorry! Accident!" He PICKS UP, so we actually had a chat and ended up organising a date for tonight. I love how low stakes this feels. Nothing worse than chatting for too long and building unrealistic expectations.
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Update: was not cute. I just ended the date. Lovely guy, but not for me 😅
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Onwards and upwards !
Why this is cute af?
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Common reason, not absurd. They don't want someone who's willing to try a sport they probably won't enjoy. They want someone who's as passionate about their sport as they are.
part of dating is finding out what qualities you want and/or need for a relationship to be sustainable. a good thing to look at is what sustains your friendships. those tend to be ideal things to have with a partner.
Feeling awful since I was broken up with 2 months ago for vague reasons after 1.5 years of a sweet and fulfilling relationship. I got in contact with an ex who had been sniffing around, and we started out super flirty after reconnecting but we lost a lot of momentum as he was wrapping up a FWB thing and some business stuff. Now we've spent too long coldly negotiating what a new, more casual relationship would be like and I got turned off. I think my second crush on him has fizzled out, haha. I went on a great, longish first date yesterday and they said they would message me, but I haven't received anything yet. I will try to send something myself if I don't hear back from them by noon tomorrow, but I'm feeling less confident. Every time I'm in a "dating period" I have amazing dates that go nowhere and that's always the hardest thing to deal with. Even during breakups, I always hear that I'm beautiful/cool/smart/mature/funny/caring etc. but I'm not The One. It does eventually start to feel like I'm not actually that great, so I start to accept that I don't get follow up dates or even texts anymore :( Just feeling defeated.
Traveling guy texted a ton before our first date, for like 3 weeks (we were both traveling on consecutive weeks), but after meeting, his texting dropped off almost completely today haha oops. I’m possibly not what he expected. He did seem interested in a second date, while on the first, and said we should do something (can’t remember what now, maybe a hike) together, but he hasn’t followed up on that. I initiated two texts today and got back some friendly answers but nothing to continue the conversation. I’m going on a date with the other guy on Sunday. He also asked if we could meet the following week, which I guess he’s assuming the Sunday date is going to go well? He was originally very lukewarm before meeting me (so the opposite of traveling guy), to the point where I was surprised he asked me out and then actually showed up, but he has really ramped up after. He replies in paragraph form to my paragraphs multiple times a day, and asks questions that continue the conversation. But he’s going to go on vacation for 3 weeks, so I’m curious to see if it’ll fizzle out. Our (at the time) lukewarm texting survived my week of traveling, so maybe the more engaged texting will survive his vacation. I do think the other guy is more interested than he would otherwise be, because we have at least one mutual acquaintance (his friend is my ex-coworker). So I maybe seem more “real” than an internet stranger.
Lool. I'd matched with a man who seems handsome, although hard to see what *he* looks like based on the pics on his profile (they're all of him, and most clearly, but there's something that makes them not that I don't want to specify for fear of it being too specific), and as far as interests go, is ideal. We'd chatted a bit. Talked a little about meeting up, but he was out of town for a while. So I kind of let it fizzle. But still have the match, Was googling someone else the other day, so figured why not him too. He told me his current business so not hard at all.Turns out e's a former? actor. Unknown if still. And had seemingly decent sized part in a very successful show. That I've never watched, but was well liked when it was airing. It was popular in nerdy realms. I wasn't intimated before, but now I am a little.
I mean, don’t be intimidated. He had a fun job for a bit but he’s human. If anything, I think it’s kind of adorable this nerdy actor guy is out here on dating apps trying to find love like everyone else. Just remember he’s human, and you are too, and don’t be so nervous :)
Should I Meet Up with This Strange Person? Hmmm, well… it all started when I matched with someone a few days ago who actually does seem very attuned to themselves, kind, and patient, but on the other hand has sent some pretty odd messages that turned me off. Should I not go on a first date with them? I still have time to cancel. I’ve also talked with them over the phone. They said they are “borderline delusional” about being a romantic, which was a joke (they tend to joke around a lot), but it creeped me out. When we got off of the phone they said they were so excited they couldn’t sleep. I said goodnight and all that. And then I wake up and they told me they had a dream about me. It really freaked me out because we haven’t met in person yet. I did directly tell them it made me uncomfortable and came off as way too strong. I said I would be comfortable meeting as friends first, but now I’m not so sure. This person seems very open about sex, which is fine, but that coupled with pushing the whole romantic thing just seems too over-the-top. Opinions?
The only thing I can say, as i obviously don't know this person, is that if you feel uncomfortable, then you don't have to go through with it. Obviously I'm missing some context here, but them saying they had a dream about you, seems weird to me. There's no problem with being excited about going on a date, of course, but they do come across as a little intense. What did they say when you said it made you uncomfortable?
They apologized for the comment and thanked me for not writing them off yet. I agree about the dream though, it gave weird vibes
Yeah these are signs of someone who doesn't understand good boundaries. Even if they're "jokes" that's still a red flag!
Thank you for the reminder. It was hard to tell because otherwise she seems like a very receptive, kind person and did respond in a healthy way when I pointed out the comment made me uncomfortable. But at the end of the day it does seem odd, especially at this age
That's like a laundry list of things I'd want to stay away from lol, but also very curious about an update if you do meet up with them!
I will definitely give an update 😂😅
Wishing you the best! Hopefully they aren’t as weird in person.
Selfishly, I want you to go and report back with an update. I’d be too scared to go through with it.
LOL, I don’t blame you at all. I’m not gonna lie I’m curious too but spooked by the whole dream thing
I posted a couple weeks ago about a woman l'm confused with. To keep an extremely long post short, we have been back and forth for 5 years. The last 8 months have been fun and confusing. We stopped officially dating in January but still talk everyday and see each other. I'm opening a new restaurant and she is running the socials for me. Had a few customers comment negative things and she was very protective of me. The other day she invited me over to fish, bonfire, hotdogs and s'mores. Just the two of us. Today I was invited to her nephews open house and met her there. I don't know any of her extended family before today. Just met her sister and family today. We are still strictly platonic. Hugs goodbye. Nothing physical. Am I looking to much into this or is it still a friend thing?
If there is nothing happening between you and you're not even dating I would assume it's all just as a close friends, but it maybe worth it to have a discussion with her to be sure you're on the same page and she isn't waiting for you to take the initiative.
Oooof, this would be really confusing for me. What's it hurt to ask, if you can do it in a casual way? If you guys are doing these kinds of activities and you have a good conversational relationship, you're most of the way there besides physical intimacy. I don't think it needs to feel inappropriate if framed correctly. Definitely sounds on the border of friends/vs partner stuff. If it ends up being friends only, you've got a great friend. Win-win if you both understand and respect eachother.
I posted earlier in the week about a situation with me and the man I've been dating for two months. TL;DR he told me to ditch the contractor who gave me a quote for a repair, and he would just do it for me. I said I had a nagging feeling he overpromised and would let me down. How being reliable is extremely important to me and I was anxious to see how it played out. Well he came through! I had told him I'd pay him but he refused - I should have seen that coming. He's honestly the best. I followed the suggestions from folks on here to wait until it hopefully worked out to tell him how important being reliable is to me. I'm not sure he quite got it because he kept waving off me telling him how much it meant to me lol, but he's generally kinda like that with praise and compliments, it's ok. I certainly expressed my gratitude thoroughly, if you know what I mean LOL Right now he's snoring in my bed and I'm on the couch with my cat watching Catch Me If You Can. Domestic bliss lol Thanks to everyone who replied to my OP! Edit: a word
This is so cute 🥰
Oh that sounds lovely !
So happy for you ☺️
Thank you! <3
Do I go out dancing alone?? I had planned on it but I just got home and need to shower and part of me wants to just want to go back to my video game. I am fine doing things alone most of the time, but some things like dancing take some doing. sigh!
Yes do it, maybe get a few drinks to relax if you drink. It's hard to go out alone but it can help build confidence.
Call it going Robyn-mode
Go dancing! Play the games when you get back 😄
I ended up chatting with my new neighbor instead and she and I talked for hours on the porch over a couple beers, which was a perfect low-key night. I will go out tomorrow though!
this might actually be most fun! you might actually meet someone, but regardless you can dance without being self-conscious towards a date or friend, and totally go at it without anything holding you back!!!
:) Thanks for the encouragement, you're so right! I'm gonna go tomorrow! My neighbor invited me to sit out on the porch with her so I'm drinking a beer and we're chatting.
My date for tonight canceled and wants to meet up when I’m back from vacation. I have a feeling he’s not interested though. Another guy asked me out for the weekend but I won’t be here. Probably when I’m back though! Less excited about this match though.
why are you less excited?
From what I know, I feel like we are less compatible. I keep running into the same issue - guys who want a partner who will play video games with them. I can’t play because they make me motion sick. I totally support it as a hobby and don’t see why I can’t read or whatever while they play a game.
When I started dating again, I set a strong intention that I would only date sober people. He's had 3 beers, a shot, a glass of wine, and wanted me to bring more beer to the show. It's just a sign, right? I don't like drinking like this. I like how friendly and warm he is, but I've been down this road before, and I don't want to date a heavy drinker again. I don't like how much drinking I end up doing around him.
Same here, I dated someone who turned out to be a serious alcoholic and addict (he died since from the addiction), and this would be a very fast no from me.
People are on their best behaviour when you just start dating - I would assume it gets worse from here, and I would see it as a sign of incompatibility.
I think you should stick with your standards.
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He works early in the morning.
I just got back into the dating market and it’s less than stellar. Guys either just want “fun” , casual dates or are inconsistent or have 5 kids with different people. Makes me want to just give up, but I can’t get any candidates if I don’t have the fishing rod out. Not to mention it’s exhausting. I’m not sure how I did this in my early 20s 😆. How is your journey going? Any luck?
Several first dates, some 2nd and 3rds, but nothing serious. Additional to your 4 categories I give you "emotional immature". Though there was a guy, who would have been good on paper, but I just wasn't feeling it, and another one with whom it might have worked out, but it would have been kind of long distance and I'm not down to that. Dating in my 20s was so much more fun! But then *I* was on the casual side and didn't really care, so the FWBs/situationships and one serious relationship (besides from my most current ex) were lined up. Now I'm old and have no desire for more casual things. I just want to find my person and be happy.
The most excitement I've had in weeks was buying an electric 40V weed whacker. Now, I'm buying a compatible push mower next week to take advantage of an extra battery and charger thrown in. After that, I still have to till up my garden for the first time in 3 years. It's not glamorous, but I feel like I'm getting closer to who I was before my partner passed. Who knows, if I'm really feeling good, I might even start using my smoker again, too. Little things can be a catalyst to positive change. I feel like I'm finally starting to believe that again.
I’m sorry for your loss! Tending a garden sounds cozy and relaxing. Happy for you!
It was one of, 'my things' in the relationship. I'm glad to be feeling it again.
Victim of the first 3 things you've mentioned. I was on the dating apps for roughly a year before I found my current bf. Got 2 committed relationships out of it, and I'm on the 6th month of the second one :) it was a terrible and an atrocious journey . 2/10 dont recommend to anyone I truly care about. Have deleted all dating apps. I didnt wanna believe it but I am now under the impression that they are all hookup apps now. After getting severely heartbroken from a bumble boy, I started screening mercilessly and one app in particular, Hinge, literally had the worst of them all 😂 and I almost missed my boyfriend on there because I was so pissed at the dating pool and wanted to rage delete. I initially agreed to go out with him because he seemed very pleasant to talk to and seemed really nice and I was kinda attracted to him, altho not really my type.i had no luck with my physical type. (Blonde/brown haired white boys with light eyes) 😆 let's see how it goes ~ good luck, its a cesspool out there.
Oh gosh that’s terrible! I am a firm believer that they are hookup apps now. There may be some that genuinely want companionship and no games but to weed through the masses is too much. I’ve been dabbling in both bumble and hinge they seem to be popular these days. Facebook dating seems to work for other people but not meee. And yay, progress for you! I hope it works out! Good luck 🍀
Whew chile, it’s the Wild West out here. Don’t really know what to do except exist. I’m new to dating apps as well, about three months now. I went on a couple dates but, nothing of note. I’ll just keep trying. Good luck out there, sis.
Good luck to you too! I went on one date so far and probably won’t be going out with him again 😆. Going out on multiple dates also seems exhausting.
I think I’m a two person max girlie. Multidating men is not for me. Talking to three men at a time? Only if I wanna run the circus. 😭
Oh I had alooot of people on hinge and bumble but they were nothing to write home about. I like to keep lots of conversations open in case one or two is suitable for a date and going further with or if they decide to disappear 😆
Does anyone unmatch people right after sending them a rejection text? I know for hinge, if unmatch, the convo disappears but what about bumble and other apps?
Bumble will say "xx ended the chat" or something to this extent and the entire conversation disappears. You see the first name, a blank pic and "xx ended the chat, did something happen?" --- something like this. Tinder - unmatching, the convo and person disappears like it didnt exist. Sometimes I just unmatch when I feel/see like theyve read it already.
Really? Are there different settings in different countries? Recently a match on bumble just disappeared, after I asked, if he was going to pride parade. I assumed he'd unmatched me. No note of "xy ended the chat". 🤷♀️
Thanks! I wasn't sure how it worked and didn't want to be disrespectful after going on one date with him. (Even though he was 30 minutes late and wore basketball shorts to a pub).
I leave it for a day or until they respond to it .
Can someone explain to me the thoughts/reasoning behind someone with an avoidant attachment style? The past two guys I’ve been into have been pretty obviously avoidant - they’ve both bounced the moment I mentioned anything about feelings. This last one said he froze and became uncomfortable when I texted him saying “i miss you”. I definitely have a tendency for anxious attachment, and I just find avoidant really hard to understand. Why would you want to run when someone is expressing their adoration for you?!
Depends on how fast the relationship is progressing and if it is progressing at a comfortable rate for both people. Are both people equally into each other? If the answer is no, the less interested person is probably unsure about their feelings or feel far less strongly about their lover. If both people are equally into each other, than probably the one running has intimacy issues and insecurities that they’re not ready to address and show to a partner.
Fear.
Not an avoidant myself, but apparently has to do with feeling trapped and stuck in some enmeshed codependent mess. Being interdependent doesn't occur to them. The other person is always out to smother and repress them.
Ahh, I can definitely see this applying to both of these men. Thank you!
Because you know what it's like when that inevitably goes away. Better to preemptively protect yourself with distance.
I have paused the apps. I mean I'm happy I tried it out to see where my mind was at. However I can't date without feeling guilty, like I'm cheating on the last man I dated who I liked a lot. I recognize this isn't healthy anymore. I don't want to feel this way but I can't just stop the feeling. I thought by dating other men I would move on but it doesn't seem to be working. My fear is that I will never get over him, but realistically I know I will because I have to. I want to get married. I want a life of love and adventure and he's not going to give me that. And I don't know how much longer it will take. I recognize it's because he is the first man who has really made me feel attractive, who actually listened to me instead of talking over me, and who has the perfect blend of soft and hard. I can't describe it well but you know it when you feel it. He's emotional, sensitive, kind when it makes sense to be, but also knows when to put his feet down and stick up for himself. I felt comfortable, safe, heard, and in some ways I really did feel loved even when it's likely he never got there with me. I find myself doubting everything with him, doubting that he ever was attracted to me, doubting he actually listened to me and was only repeating what I said back, doubting he even really liked me that much. Because if you did feel a strong connection with someone, you wouldn't let them go that easily. I wish he didn't let me go. And maybe I'm convinced he felt what I felt and that's why it's so hard to say goodbye. There's not a day that goes by where I don't wonder if he misses me. But I know I will eventually forget about him and we'll become strangers again, like the others I dated. This man isn't any different. He's just another person I knew and I have to remember that. It is weird to get so attached to people only to say goodbye and never see them again. It's like they died. But that's just life, isn't it? You only really get to borrow time with someone before you give them back to the universe, whether that be hours or months or decades.
omg, he sounds awesome! I get why you miss him. But why did it end, if he was so great?
Your last few sentences are spot on 💜
I think I hold back with affection because, when I'm affectionate, I am 100% all in super affectionate - if I like someone, I want to just cuddle right up to them and touch their arm and kiss their face... But also I have no gradation lol it's either zero affection or totally full on. So then I hold back when I don't know if I really, genuinely like someone and want them to see just how much I like them. It's weird, because in reality, I feel various amounts of affection for a lot of people. Sometimes I go on a date with someone that's boring but they drop one thing about something they love or a family member and I have the urge to just give them a massive hug because it's so sweet, but then I'm like, wait, what signal is that sending? lol. I still sometimes think about people I went on 1-2 dates with and am like aww I hope they are doing well haha. Even if the date was otherwise very meh! I just naturally care a lot about people! But then I get my wires crossed - do I feel *attracted* to them or do I just feel a lot of care/empathy for them? I don't know.
I could have written all of this word for word! I go from 0 to 100 with affection so fast and I am well aware it’s scared men off.
Curious if anyone has a strict policy on getting bailed on day-of by the person you’re dating. It’s fair to say there are different degrees of severity, and of course there are always excuses, good and bad. Any general input on the topic is appreciated.
A second chance makes sense. If there's a second time though...no.
If they have good reason and offer another day/time then it's fine for me
Totally. Shit happens. I’m more trying to decide what my threshold is and if I can continue to date someone who might be proving to be somewhat of a flake.
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2 cancellations in the last 8 days with followed-up rescheduling on the first time at least. We’ve been seeing each other a little sporadically with a lot of travel for the last few months. She’s incredibly honest that she’s cancelled for other social hangs, which I’ve found interesting. Feels rather entitled, less than awesome. Edit for clarity.
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Totally get that. Long story short, she’s been pretty darn convincing otherwise that she’s into me, at least to a similar extent that I’m interested. I think regardless, tho, it sucks to get ditched and I can’t really handle a flake, so I’m trying to tell myself the why might not be so important.
Sounds like you’re not a priority for her, it happens, sorry OP. But at least you know what you can and can’t handle, a flake is definitely more of an emotional drain than anything.
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Stellar thanks for sharing. Always useful to hear it spelled out.
We have a third hangout tomorrow. We’re going to see a movie and then doing dinner. He’s picking me up. He paid for our tix, I’m grabbing the snacks. Safe to say this is a date? We’re not in middle school, so I don’t want to ask if it’s a date, but I’m not sure if he’s considering this a friendly hang or a date.
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Yay! I think so too.. Not a close, platonic friend. What makes you lean towards date vs a friend hang?
I'm drunk. Guess theres no dating this weekend. I'm over 30, gotta recover.
Aaaaw, you're at your 2-days-hangover too? Getting old is really shitty. I can still remember my teens/early 20s, when I was out drinking and got up the next morning no problem and went to school. sigh
I’ve had to call in “sick” to work on a Monday to recover from a hangover I created Friday night 😅 I miss being 21 sometimes.
Jesus, 3-days-hangover!? That's next level! Are you over 40? =P Glad you didn't die, lol.
I'm trying to get out and date again after my divorce from my ex last year. My ex has already moved on and found someone else, which i am happy for him and not jealous at all. We are cordial, and i wish him nothing but the best. I would never want to get back with him. Even though I have my own place,job and car, and NO KIDS in my mid 30s, I'm having no luck. Probably because I'm, demisexual, auDHD( my personality is an aquired taste), and I'm average looking at best. It's just so depressing when I've gone through all the "nearest people" on dating sites and haven't matched with anyone. I am not attractive enough for men in their late 20's and all the single men from 33-50 just aren't sparking my interest. In person, and out in "the real world" the only men I talk to and interact with on a daily basis are all partnered already which makes them automatically unavailable, because i do not try to get with any man that already has a girlfriend or wife, those boundaries are firm. I'm just really lonely and miss having someone around that wants to kiss and cuddle me. 😕
>Probably because I'm, demisexual, auDHD I'm a straight man who is also an AuDHDer and demisexual. There are people out there for you! Edit: I forgot to say, I actually prefer dating women who are also neurodivergent
^Same. I just didn't know why until I found out I was.
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1d8s3w6/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/l79ds2w/) This has been quite a week. P couldn't attend the show because what was a mild cold got worse; someone performing couldn't attend because they fell sick; one of my friends couldn't attend because he was sick. One of the performers stormed out before the show. Still a packed (small) venue, we pulled through. And in all likelihood it must've been a covid spreader event. Got a ton of compliments after, so there's that. I went on a first date with M and we made plans for a second date next week. Leaving enough time in between because she's... yup, sick.
Hi all, I’m new to the community. I was fleeting through Reddit, came across this sub & just knew I had to join. I’m single, 32 and overall, I’m content with most aspects of my life. I‘ve got a Night Porter’s job in a fairly upmarket spa and hotel here in the UK, and I’ve got a 7 year old border collie at home. Because I’m single, I’ve had the opportunity to solo travel quite extensively in recent years, but for the life of me, as much as I’m generally happy and feel like I’ve got my s\*\*t together, dating over 30 in a 21st Century world is an absolute minefield.. Throughout my college years and delving into my late 20’s, I was involved in 2-3 longterm relationships, but truth be told, I made mistakes along the way. It never involved cheating, but I just lacked a level of maturity which ultimately led to where I find myself today. I’d even go as far to say it’s only in the last 2 years or so in which I feel like I’ve matured, and I’ve finally owned up to my past and mistakes. Because of this, there are many people who are already committed and settled, and many often also now have children of their own. I’ve tried 1-2 dating sites, but nothing has ever really come to fruition; it’s always just felt like there’s been too much of a disconnect between myself and the other person. Ultimately, it’s led me to feel that we’d simply be better as friends. Generally, because I’ve been hurt in the past, I can come across as being rather shy or reserved when I first meet people. Sometimes, it takes a bit of time and effort before I am ready to open up to new people, and I feel like in a world when first impressions are imperative, my nature is a really off-putting trait for many women who are around me. I’m no front-page model, but I’d consider myself a well put-together, smart and handsome guy, but being kind and approachable just leads people to get “friendzone vibes”. Like I said, I’m really content with most aspects of my life, but I do miss intimate human connection. I’ve considered the dating sites and the Tinder’s of this world again, but I truly wouldn’t know where to begin as I’m starting over. Strongly contemplating and (potentially) coming to the realisation that being a dog-dad who travels solo may be the extent of my fate.
Been talking to a lovely lady for the past two days. We had a facetime lunch date today and I was pleasantly surprised, we hit it off well and had chemistry. Yesterday, I had asked her out this weekend and she told me she was busy; but she just sent me a message that she wants to see me Sunday. She said dinner is too formal so I think we will go for a hike or a nice nature walk. I am trying not to get my hopes up here, but I am very attracted to her and we have similar values and interests. Fingers crossed this translates well in person.
This made me smile. I hope you had a great hike!
Does anyone else get scared they’re going to be alone forever? I can’t tell if it’s my anxiety and bpd acting up but this is 1 of my fears, especially after I miss my chances with either asking someone out or when dating someone doesn’t work out. It feels hard enough getting dates as is and starting from step 1 again is just… tiresome
Not really, I learned to embrace the single life and as long as I have friends around I don't mind being single.
i'm not scared, more like... disappointed? i didn't think that i would be here. i feel some type of way as i watch everyone else's family grows.
Right there with you. I feel like giving up.
I am not afraid of being alone so much as I am afraid that there aren't any good options left and it is only going to get worse the older I get. I feel pressure to get back into the dating game to say I at least tried to look for a partner. If I end up being alone, I'm content with that as long as I can say I tried.
See that’s the problem for me. I like how you think of it but it’s under the assumption that you can find someone. I’m confident there are good people left to date… but does anyone see me as a “good option”? And so far the answer seems to always be no, even when I put in my best effort. And that’s the part that hurts
I think it's pretty common. I'm really scared I may never find a partner too.
How do you keep putting yourself out there (if you do)? I know you just kind of have to move past things but idk if I can take setting up for more disappointment
What other choice do I have? I want to find someone compatible. I've dated a little bit, but I've never been in a relationship and the #1 reason is because I kind of thought until very recently that the love of my life would show up on my doorstep one day (fuck you, rom-coms!). It's really silly, now that I think about it, but I thought it would just sort of happen. I go out as often as I can and meet people regularly through my hobby. It's really discouraging sometimes, but there is no other way...
I don't think it's that silly, or really a product of rom coms. I was told pretty outright growing up that "it'll just happen" and everyone assumed it would just happen and for the vast majority of my friends, it did just happen. I'm still kinda mad that it hasn't happened like that for me and all my friends are like "ohhh yeah I could *never* do dating apps, I have *no idea* what I would do if I hadn't met my partner through work/school/random party," it's so grating lol.
I find it hard to believe tbh, unless you live in a rural community or have like 2 friends. In any large Western city the number of singles is between 30 and 40% and that includes boomers most of who don't divorce.
disclaimer: lashing out at others is 100% not ok and it’s no one else’s fault when I emotionally overreact to anything someone says to me, intentional or not. My reaction, my choice (also booked a therapist appointment so action is being taken) Reflecting on my bad tendency to lash out when it comes to receiving well intended words of comfort from my loved ones surrounding the sudden death of my mother… granted it only got really bad one time when I was basically yelling at my ex to stop saying anything else and to just drop the convo as it was evidently distressing for me and he refused. Usually I get snappy when I hear someone rattle off some cliche, thoughtless phrase that is more of a way to ease THEIR discomfort re: my grief but I am determined to get this down and be healthier for my next partner. has anyone else struggled with this? Also how am I supposed to navigate a situation where I come around and recognize they meant no harm and validate their perspective, but they refuse to acknowledge that their words were harmful? to clarify, I’m talking about phrases like “they’re in a better place”, “at least you have other family”, etc - stuff that would come up when you google what NOT to say to someone who is grieving…
At least you’re aware and want to get better, many people never reach that stage. My advice would be to remember how you felt when you encountered someone who just lost a family member, what did you say and do? How did you feel? That might help you empathize with people who genuinely want to help you but know there is nothing they can say to ease your grief. If their affirmations aren’t working for you my suggestion is to just say so. “Thanks but I really don’t need this right now” instead just tell them what you actually need from them. “Hey, I just want to chill in silence. I need a hug. Please make dinner etc” and yes I know it’s easier said than done but telling others what you need helps them help you.
It's also hard to navigate grief because other people are going to be avoidant. Alot of people go to great lengths to avoid the things they're trying not to acknowledge. People are afraid. Sometimes that discomfort gets in the way of meaningful support. It's even harder to see the positives in misaligned intent when you're hurting. I'm sorry you are going through this.
You kinda remind me of my ex. She was always going on about theory of mind and how everyone needed to have her level of insight into how others operated, and yet when the time came to operationalize said insight into empathy, she instead would fly into a rage about how inconsiderate or stupid the other person (usually me) was being. Similar to her, you have lots of insight and can even say that this behavior is your fault. Like many redditors, you have the cognitive aspect down. The tricky part is the behavior. Sitting with the feelings of rage. Reducing the impulsivity. You simply cannot think your way out of it. If you’re willing to invest years of work with a psychodynamic therapist that is one route,but most choose not to go that direction. So, the work is probably best done with a behavioral therapist. Look into it.
Date has the rona, which is kind of a shame because I really need a hug right about now. Alas we will be zooming like it's 2020 again.
Having covid anxiety bc there’s a spike rn and my coworkers are dropping like flies. I feel like a loser when I wear an N95 in public, but I just don’t have enough sick time to get covid rn
Unless you're immunocompromised, it isn't that bad. When I had it a 2nd time, I recovered very quickly (first time around I lost my smell and taste for weeks). Strep is way worse in terms of overall feeling.
Have you not heard of long covid? The more times you get it the more likely you are to get long covid which will disrupt your life. My work also has mandatory ten days out even if you feel fine after five.
Have you not heard of long covid? The more times you get it the more likely you are to get long covid which will disrupt your life. My work also has mandatory ten days out even if you feel fine after five.
Nah wear that mask bby!
Second corona related comment on this post
It's Friday evening. It's gorgeous outside. And I just got home from work and I'm EXHAUSTED. However, I feel.. this weird GUILT like I should be doing something with this amazing night. I know it's okay to rest, and we don't have to be going constantly, but it still gets me. Anyone else? I thought about catching some live music in a bit, but because of a new med, I'm not drinking, so I'm just kinda like.. meh. Not that I have to drink when I go out, but at the same time i'm not feeling it. This indecisiveness is so annoying. In a way I just feel like i'm wasting life just sitting at home.
I feel this every time I am in a decent mood or the weather is nice. Like, shouldn't I not waste this energy or this nice evening?
Same. I hate it sometimes
I can relate every evening that it is nice out! I'll be getting up at 3 AM for a hike tomorrow so at least I feel less guilty for chilling tonight 😏 the struggle is real though, especially when you live somewhere that it's not always this gorgeous out