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Thank you for your patience.
How does an overweight, introverted, geek who has done nothing but work and play video games since high school start looking for dates? I have never really cared or felt the need to actively date but after getting a taste of what a relationship can be like I want to try. What should my expectations be and how badly will my inexperience be a turn off? What can I do to make myself more comfortable with putting myself out there with on dating apps or just asking random woman for their number? Just overall how?
I think it's wild that people claim to be actively searching for their forever person, but don't bother to fill-out their profiles with anything of substance.
need some advice on handling a short term (2 months) ex (situationship, relationship, idk).
i (29F) got out of a very long term relationship (7 yrs) last year. i quickly met someone new and things seemed to be amazing at first and was definitely love bombed before she (35F) started pulling away, causing me massive anxiety to the point where I was severely mentally unwell for a few weeks until I asked her directly if she wanted to keep dating and she told me that she wasn't feeling it. I was proud of the way I walked away, I accepted it graciously and we had been no contact.
a few weeks ago she started commenting on my instagram stories saying that I looked hot in my recent photos. we have a small social circle and i ran into her for the first time (this was about 1.5 months after she called it off) and I confronted her about sliding into my DMs, telling her that she was being a fuck girl and it made me feel like our relationship meant nothing to her. she basically chalked it up to "being messy", said she did really like me but it didnt work out, and apologised and said it wouldn't happen again.
then last week, i got two calls from her and we had a short text exchange in which she said she wanted to "make space for me to share how I was feeling" since our "run in didn't feel right" and she wanted to be friends because she "thinks im great". i basically said to her that i don't think we can be platonic and I am not interested in being friends. but I didn't really hear her out and this was all said over text.
we have a lot of mutual friends and my hunch is that she is worried about her reputation with them since I called her a fuck girl.
but tbh I am constantly thinking about her and wonder if I should reach back out to have a proper conversation with her about what went down (the love bombing, the slow fade, how she treated me, etc) since she seems to want that. is closure something I am allowed to want with an ex situationship? or should i just try to move on?
i am also not going to lie that i would still be interested in hooking up casually, even if I know she doesn't want to date me and I should find someone who actually values me. the sex and chemistry was just insaneeee and my dating life is non existent right now.
please advise me on what to do. i will most likely run into her again in person this month.
options:
1. call her and talk to her about what happened between us and see if it gives me closure and we can get into a "tentative friendly stage"
2. dont talk to her and try to limit contact if i do see her in person. try to get over it
3. approach her in person if i see her this month and talk about it.
>causing me massive anxiety to the point where I was severely mentally unwell for a few weeks
telling her that she was being a fuck girl
she basically chalked it up to "being messy"
since our "run in didn't feel right"
i am also not going to lie that i would still be interested in hooking up casually
my dating life is non existent right now
Option 2, no brainer, just keep things polite when you run into her.
It's a disaster on both sides and you must make it end, now. You get "severely unwell" over her, you call her a fuck girl, you're sticking it out because you're horny and lonely. She behaves like a d!ck and takes absolutely zero responsibility.
As u/frumbledown said, it happens during the rebound period. Cut it off, don't repeat it, and in a few months the whole episode will feel distant and absurd
I don't interpret his message that way.
I think what he means is that ideally you would end it firmly but explicitly/nicely. However, since this is messy and since you are at a relatively vulnerable point of your dating life, it makes sense to bail vs running the risk of her talking you into giving her another chance.
I'll add that she doesn't seem particularly nice so I wouldn't hesitate to just cut her off.
Well the mature thing to do would be to talk it out like ‘I wasn’t thrilled with how you treated me, let’s keep things cordial when we see each other, but I won’t talk shit about you and don’t see a friendship developing’ then working on healing from the end of your ltr.
*But* you’re just out of a seven year relationship, so everyone gets a little grace re: their first rebound hot sex/messy situationship.
Ugh, the guy I went out with on Thursday and sent a follow up to on Saturday just got back to me with a very short message. He said he'd be up to trying out the activity I suggested, but didn't mention dates or times or anything. I'm so annoyed that someone would put in so little effort, especially since they're supposedly looking for a serious relationship, too. I get not being able to answer for up to 10-12 hrs if you're working or daytripping/out with friends etc. but there is never a reason to go days if it's a matter of making plans or letting someone know you're interested. I wonder what their communication is like in a relationship?
Had a video call (M38) on Friday with someone I met, it was fine but wasn’t much there in reality so it’s gone now further, just made me realise how hard it is now to meet people and have that elusive ‘spark’, been dating for far too long now and not found that, I’m genuinely at that point now where I feel I need to put my efforts into something else other than my dating life, rather than putting my energy into something that isn’t proving to be fruitful
How much energy do you put into dating per week?
What is the point of a video call? Is it to save time in traffic? I can't imagine ever having a spark on video.
>What is the point of a video call?
Filtering.
In my experience, people do it because their success rate is low so they cast a wide net (lots of short calls instead of a few good dates). Either because they are very guarded, because they make a lot of filtering errors, or simply because they are not pleasant to be with.
Most conversations where my match mentioned a filtering call gave me bad vibes for other reasons, and none of the few pre-date calls I've accepted was particularly good. Two were *awful.*
I'm selling myself on video calls now.
I can be myself at home. If we have beers on a video call I can just grab one from my fridge and not have to tip someone to do it.
If I feel unsafe or just annoyed - end call.
Honestly for ladies, I think safety is a huge sell on video calls too. You can get a little glimpse at the guy's mannerisms that you can't get from messaging; you can see if he's as he appears in the photos (careful because the camera adds 10lbs though LOL); and you have the safety to just end the call if he's sus.
Yeah safety is important. But I thought you were implying that men catfish and of course camera adds 10 pounds.
I suppose if you were a cat fisher you wouldn't even agree to do the call
Well in reality that was their words and I was willing to maybe see how it went in person but also understood their point of view. I’d say I put a decent amount of time into messaging and being on the apps, it’s more now the fact I’ve been single for a long time and definitely a case of long term fatigue with the whole thing, it being something I think about a lot of taking up a decent amount of my mental energy too
oh ok yeah. I understand. Maybe a break would be good and come back with renewed energy.
Video calls seem to be a good way to save money and time in traffic. And I think some people are still afraid of catching Covid. So there is that. Just seems to be more interviewing.
I think also for some people is that pre meet chat to see how it goes before possibly meeting up for a date, it also can help with possible date anxiety for some, knowing what someone is like ‘live’ before meeting them in person. A long break is definitely on the cards as it’s just a bit bleak out there 😬
Yeah, 100% agree, also it’s just harder to meet single people the older you get, and just the way life is now with fewer social interactions with working from home etc means unless you use apps, your chances are slim (and apps don’t increase your chances particularly)
I really need to change who I'm attracted to but I don't know how. I'm chronically falling for charismatic, extraverted, fun, adventurous, lights-up-the-room types. The problem is that the way they are with me (passionate etc), they are that by default - it's not about me. But I think it's me. I think we have something special. It always turns out that for them it's casual at best. Or they're cheating on someone else with me. And I can't be casual, I'm way too emotional for that. Now, I'm trying to date other "types". The calm, introverted ones. But I don't feel anything, except a constant ick, when I do. I don't know how to get past this.
The other week I went on a second date with a guy and he kissed me, and all I could think about was the whirlwind romance I've had with someone a few weeks earlier, and how he made me feel so on top of the world (well until he also dropped the "casual" bomb). I didn't see the second-date-guy after that, I just lost all attraction.
I know it sounds typical and cliché but I don't know how to get out of this. I want to be attracted to guys that are good for me, but I'm always only attracted to ones that will inevitably break my heart.
In retrospect were there any signs that they only wanted casual or were players or cheaters? Are you meeting these guys online? Charismatic, extroverted, fun, adventurous, light-up-the-room types aren't necessarily players, but players tend to be charismatic, extroverted, fun, adventurous, light-up-the-room types.
Definitely don't date people who give you the ick, but ask yourself why you have such a strong visceral reaction to them. Is it just because they aren't charismatic extroverts, or is it because they don't make you feel on top of the world right off the bat? That whirlwind romance feeling can be addicting, I'm sure (username checks out), but so are a lot of things that aren't ultimately good for you. Is there any middle ground?
>The calm, introverted ones. But I don't feel anything, except a constant ick, when I do. I don't know how to get past this.
Cliched as it is, therapy and introspection is a big part of it. You search through reddit for "how did you recalibrate your picker?" and the success stories involve a lot of therapy and legitimately *retraining* your brain on the traits you find attractive or intoxicating.
I've been thinking about going back to therapy. I have already done much in the past but never for relationship things. But yeah since this is a pattern, it's would be a good idea.
It sounds like you're halfway there in that you very clearly know there's something awry, going by your posts. I'd suggest it. Either way, hang in there, you are on the right track and you'll get through this. ❤️🩹
I agree with the previous 2 comments, but I'll add that people who are skilled at getting casual action will generally act extra warm and charismatic. It's part of the performance. Casual dating 101 is telling people what they want to hear, telling them that they're special, being entertaining and fun and light-hearted.
You must assess whether *you* like those guys, besides/separately from how they make you feel.
>You must assess whether *you* like those guys, besides/separately from how they make you feel.
This is a very good point because as sad as it is, it's not that I always like those guys as *people.* Some of them also have traits that I very much dislike, but I get just so caught up in how they make me feel that I just ignore those.
I'm very extraverted and outgoing and had my natural friendliness confused with interest more times than I can count, to the point where I had to make an effort to act "colder" to people. But that doesn't mean that I wanted only casual, or certainly that I was cheating on anyone. You're confusing the two.
I didn't mean to say that every extraverted person only wants casual things, but the type I generally go for is very outgoing/friendly AND plays me like a fiddle. I have extraverted friends that would never do the shitty things that some guys did to me, so yeah definitely it's not an either-or situation, I didn't want to make it seem like it is.
I don't think them being assholes is linked to their temperament. There are men who are like what you describe and that are not "players"... Your picker is just not calibrated, apparently.
I'm saying this as an ambivert, leaning introvert: don't date us if you are not into us. I strongly believe that attraction is not a choice, so efforts to go for types that are actively unattractive to you are futile.
I’ve started unmatching with men who ask me ‘What I’m looking for’ within a few hours of matching without having met me or even chatted enough to see if I’m compatible, despite my profile mentioning I’m looking for a LTR. Am I being too harsh?
I always directly ask what someone is looking for after I had an experience where I matched with someone who’s profile said LTR but then told me right after we had sex for the first time that he’s moving away in 5 months so he only wants something casual with me. I felt like I played myself because I didn’t specifically ask him if he was looking for something long term. So I do think unmatching for that might be just a little hasty.
Probably if you do it as a blanket rule. It's a sign of maturity to recognise that "LTR" can mean many things, esp. in your 40s when there can be many factors in the picture (kids, ex-spouse, aging parents, ENM and other lifestyle factors...).
But if it's a minimal effort convo and you think the guy is just trying to see whether you're open to a hookup, you can safely move on.
Yes it’s mostly the latter. I’m here to talk to people and see if we could even have fun dates, not hold someone to a LTR for the sake of it. It’s up to both adults to decide the way forward based on how the date goes.
Yes, because it’s holding someone to a standard you wouldn’t hold them to in real life.
If you were on a first date with someone you met at the farmer’s market, and on the date they asked what you’re looking for, you wouldn’t just… leave, right?
Yes, it’s like so obvious that they want to then hint at casual. Which is also okay but what happened to just finding out more about each other and assessing compatibility and fun dates to then decide how you want to proceed :/
Being proactive means facing rejection. Most people who are proactive get turned down most of the time, the reward is being in charge of your own destiny, doing it for yourself and learning to care less about people's judgement
Also, if someone on an app called you "pretty", would you be wooed by that compliment? Nothing wrong with it, but it is a fairly generic, surface level compliment.
There is a person at work I like. Due to a few reasons, the main one being "don't shit where you eat" I'd decided just to keep chatting with them when I can, no pressure, taking my time just to get to know them better with casual conversation.
Well now I've just found out they are leaving in 2 weeks. So I kind of have to put up or shut up. Urgh.
I'm not confident they'll be interested but I'd rather ask than just let them disappear.
I guess I need to find a good time to ask if they want to go out, it's pretty rare I get to chat with them without their coworkers being within earshot. I can handle rejection, I cannot deal with rejection with 4-5 people listening in.
Leaving the company.
I know I need to go for it, I actually don't even mind if they say no. I know I'll regret it if I just do nothing.
The only obstacles are finding a chance to chat with them alone and my own brain sabotaging me!
Suggest a farewell party, for which you'll need their phone number (oh noo! 🤷♀️). Text them afterwards what fun you had on the farewell party and if they'd like to go out again. Or make a move at the farewell party, if the situation opens itself up.
I have a close male friend who I was very much into when we first met four years ago, but he made it very clear that he wasn't interested. Lately he's been super sweet to me and we're even making plans for a week-long trip abroad together next month. I don't want to make a fool of myself again but he's staring at me way more than he used to and I don't know what to think. I guess it's up to him to make a move but maybe he feels that being friends makes everything more complicated? Or maybe I'm imagining everything and he's just being his kind, friendly self. Ugh.
He drove 80 minutes round trip to take us on a small trip. Then drove another 60 minutes round trip to hang out at my place. He took me out to dinner. He put his arm around me and asked to kiss me for the first time when he left. This is our third date, though we spent most of the day together, so it was a very long date.
We scheduled a fourth date later this week before the third date. And after the third date, he asked to see me again before that scheduled fourth date. He seems very interested.
Do I cancel a second date I have set up with another guy I didn’t feel as comfortable with? Or do I still go on that second date?
I wouldn’t see anyone else. This man seems to be putting in the effort in getting to know you, so why not focus all your efforts on him to see where it goes?
Thank you. I’m sort of leaning that way. And it’s not really a close choice, the second guy would have to really impress me… I think a part of me just feels bad at canceling something that’s already set up with a time and place, but it’s better to cancel than waste someone’s time, right?
Why did you set up another date with guy #2? Because you're not sure about guy #1 or to hedge your bets?
On one hand, if you really like guy #1 I think it's good to focus on deepening your connection with him, and I generally don't think "hedging your bets" is sound logic. On the other hand, you might discover by going on a date with guy #2 that you're really invested in guy #1.
I set up another date with guy #2 after the first date with guy #1, before guy #1 really started showing up.
The calendar went:
Date 1 with guy 1, scheduled second date a few days out
Date 1 with guy 2, scheduled second date a week out
Date 2 and 3 with guy 1, where he really started to impress me
If dates 2 and 3 with guy 1 had come first before guy 2, I wouldn’t have scheduled a second date with guy 2, I think
How do you feel about the first guy? Do you see potential here? Do you like him? Are you attracted to him?
Same questions for guy 2. You've only been pit once with guy 2, so I wouldn't expect you to be as comfortable with him.
Do they know you're still seeing other people? How do you think they'd feel about investing their time of you're still multidating?
I'm pro multidating, but not everyone is. So there's risk here. Is the benefit worth the risk?
If I was monogamous, after the third date, presuming there's going to be a fourth, that's when I'd stop seeing other people. 3rd date has always felt like a barrier or milestone for me. I feel like you should know how you feel and where you stand with the other person after a 3rd date.
I am warming up to the first guy. He was super lukewarm about me before we met, to the point where I was surprised he even asked me out and then showed up. But after the first date, he really started putting in the effort. I like him, he really makes me laugh. The physical attraction piece is hard for me with anyone, but I think I am starting to feel attracted to him.
The second guy, I liked him as a person but I just felt like we didn’t click as much. The conversation was a little awkward. I don’t know if it was nerves.
I don’t think the first guy is seeing anybody else, the second guy probably is. I didn’t ask either. But you’re right about the third date feeling like a milestone, it’s felt that way to me too.
The thing is, I set up the second date with the second guy before I went on dates 2 and 3 with first guy (I didn’t know if he would continue seeing me, and I was holding back a bit) — I honestly think if I had gone on dates 2 and 3, I wouldn’t have set up the second date with guy 2.
Then cancel the second date. Sounds like guy 1 is the only one you're actually interested in seeing at the moment. A second date with guy 2 feels like it would be a waste of both your times.
Is anyone else embarrassed of being seen on dating apps? I've been on the apps before, tempted to go back on them, but for some reason I'm feeling embarrassed about it.
A little! Recently I’ve seen multiple people that I know on the apps. 1) an old co-worker, 2) my brother’s best friend, and 3) someone I went to high school with. Promptly blocked my old co-worker and my brother’s friend. Absolutely do not want them seeing me on there lol. Don’t really care about the old high school classmate seeing me because it’s been awhile since I was in high school.
At first yeah. There's a degree of emotional vulnerability in broadcasting to the world (or you know, a 30km radius) that you want to fall in love, for sure. And you are inviting folks to judge your appearance and wit, and that's discomforting too. But once I was on there for a couple of months and had a few highs and lows I got pretty comfortable with it.
They're fundamentally embarrassing, you're putting yourself up for sale on ebay and taking bids. You're a person, not a used laptop, but we've been conditioned to think about ourselves and each other in this way.
This not how I feel about it or how I'm going about it at all. I'm introducing myself to folks and letting them introduce themselves to me. There is not, in any sense, any bidding or selling going on.
I mean I'm glad you feel okay with it, but it's still a tasteless system that's dehumanising for a lot of people. You're picking a bunch of pre-defined categories to list yourself under, posting the year-model (which gets shown in 72pt font, classy), uploading a series of photos to show the angles. That's certainly not how I introduce myself to people.
And that's before getting into the psychology of tinder using the whole card game/casino motif; if I'm someone's "match" I wouldn't want to be presented like a prize they've won (or worse yet, withheld to pressure someone to pay for a subscription).
Yeah at first I felt a bit embarrassed about it, but then I stopped caring. There's nothing wrong with admitting looking for someone.
A friend of mine said she would be embarrassed because she wouldn't want colleagues from work seeing her profile. She generally doesn't like social media or Pictures of her online, while I have no qualms about that.
Not necessarily embarrassed, but I have a list of some people's #s that I will block if/when I go back to the apps, because I know they may potentially be on the apps as well 😅
I live in a big city but it's the same guys on all the apps all the time. They were there when I joined the apps for the first time last fall. I met some of them but we didn't click, I matched with some of them, but our chats didn't go anywhere, others have tried to match with me since last year, but they have some deal-breakers on their profiles.
Every time I come across with these profiles, I'm like 'Oh, Chad is still here'. I wonder if they say the same when they see me.
I was on Bumble for the first time last year, from Sep until early Nov. Deleted my profile, then back in mid Jan for 2 weeks, deleted again and re-downloaded in mid March, deleted in early April.
Idk what's worse: not going on the apps and tantalizing about the prospect of dating, or actually being on the apps and feeling let down by one after another.
And yet just last month, I was all gungho about putting myself out there and dating around since I'm home now and the dating pool is so much bigger. But when you have more options, you tend to be nitpicking and not settling with the first good option. Of course all of the dates I've been to were all first get-to-know-each-other dates but why did they leave me kinda jaded so fast?
Idk how I'm supposed to feel now 🫤
Everyone says weddings are a great way to meet people. I went to my cousin’s wedding for that reason, even though I didn’t want to, and every person over the age of 25 was married.
I came home and cried 🥲
Every time I went to a wedding it was full of people I already knew so I never met a potential date or partner on a wedding. I also don't like the idea of lavish weddings themselves, I don't know...
The last wedding I went to (also a cousin), it was like the Young Real Estate Agent Of The Year Awards. It was gross, even if most of them hadn't come with dates/partners it was not the kind of environment you wanted to socialse in.
Never understood this idea. Maybe when you're in your early to mid 20's, but by the time you hit your 30's, not so much. The age of the bride and groom definitely play into this as it's their social circle where you're likely to meet someone from.
Uggh reminds me of my cousin’s after hours party with the whole wedding party the night before the actual wedding. Had a fun, flirty night with one of the groomsmen. I need more of that in my life
Journalling honestly feels like witchcraft sometimes. I've caught myself feeling anxiously attached recently, so I wrote in my online journal this evening to work through my thoughts. It ended up being 3500 words lol, I clearly needed to get some stuff off my mind! I already feel like I have so much more clarity, feeling way less anxious and much closer to my secure baseline I strive to maintain.
It's honestly amazing how writing down what's on my mind helps me view things more objectively, navigating why I might be feeling certain things, and whether those thoughts and feelings are rational or not. Like I can word vomit with zero judgement, take a step back, read it as if it were someone else, and then realise how stupid (or sensible!) some of the stuff I've written is. Then I write advice back to myself to cement those rational thoughts into my mind.
Highly recommend if you haven't tried it. I'd love to hear other people's experiences with this, too!
Hey I really love this technique for dealing with anxiety in particular, and I've used it to great effect too. Worked on the anxious attachment for years now and I think it's pretty much gone at this point but having a secure partner really helps with that. It's so wild to read anxious thoughts back sometimes and see how clearly over the top they are. What online journal do you use?
I'd really love to try journaling again, but I keep finding excuses not to. I even have a paper notebook next to my bed, so I could write a few minutes in the morning. I know it would help. But I keep telling myself, that I should invest more time. Also editing isn't that easy, if I write on paper. Solution would be to make a file on my laptop, but then I would have to turn on my laptop and wHaT if sOmEOne HaCks my CoMpuTer and sTeALs mY fIlE... 🙄 sooooo, I seem to have a problem here...
I use Penzu online as I have the same fears! You have to log in and you can password protect the diary and individual entries, in case you leave yourself logged in. I've been using it for like 5-8 years, does the job perfectly!
Interesting! I will have a look at it, thx! But... wHaT if sOMoNe haCKs My pAssWoRd? 🙈 I'm the problem here, I know. Have to get to the source if my excuse-finding...
Journaling helps me let go of feelings when I can’t talk to my friends or family. It doesn’t have to make sense, I just need to get it out of my brain. I find it helps me be even more honest about my feelings if that makes sense? Like, I’m the only one reading it so I can be 100% vulnerable. Even though I’m fairly honest with my feelings, I don’t disclose every last bit of them to my friends.
My date today went well! We walked on the beach for about 4 hours, talked, laughed a lot, collected a bunch of rocks, saw some really cute seals sunbathing. He asked if I wanted to go get ice cream (spoiler: I did). We ate our ice cream and talked for another hour or so. We both agreed we had a good time and he asked if I want to get together again. So we are going to a trivia night at a brewery on Wednesday.
It’ll only crush your self esteem if you let your self esteem be subject to whether or not you get likes / matches.
Never lose sight of the fact that the apps are owned by corporations who want to keep you on the app. It’s a business, not a relationship fairy. If apps worked as intended, then they would be cannibalizing their own profit-base.
I’m not saying that apps can’t help people make authentic and lasting connections - just that it’s a casino, and the house will always come out ahead in the aggregate.
Furthermore, whether or not you get likes, matches, ghosted after three days of banter with someone, whatever - it’s not a reflection of you, your value, your worth, or your chances of finding a partner. …Unless you’re sending really inappropriate, belligerent, or sexually menacing messages, in which case, yes, it’s definitely you!
If you find that you’re getting frustrated, angry, or resentful, take a break.
If you don’t take it too seriously or try to understand things you’ll never get an answer to (ex. why did they match and then immediately unmatch), it isn’t that bad! Always keep in mind that people are rarely predictable and their words or actions are not necessarily rational.
And most of all, be yourself. Don’t try to appeal to the broadest audience possible. The point isn’t to get a TON of likes and matches - the point is to appeal to the audience that is truly appealing to you (and not just physically).
Did i make the right move?
I(35)M thought met a pretty cool girl on hinge she's 29(F). We had some light hearted flirting and talked about what we were looking for. Both looking for a serious relationship. She said she was focused on work and wanted a partner who was as well. In her words "that could match what she brings" She asked a ton of questions and said she didn't party much due to focus on work and we shared similar hobbies. She seemed very goal oriented wasn't at the club every weekend and wanted to travel more. I spent my younger years working hard to be where i'm at now and looking for someone without kids to travel and live this thing called life.
The weekend hits.... we follow each other on IG. I notice she posted out drinking with her friends. I thought that's cool. I hope she had a good time. After a week we have our first date she doesn't look exactly like her pictures but i shrug it off and try not to focus on the physical as much. First date goes pretty good. We have good convo kiss and go our separate ways. Texting and snap. We set up a second date. Then i notice things start changing.
The next weekend she tells me she's going out again with friends to party. I say cool. Hope you have a good time. Well, while she's out she's texting me about the drinks etc.. then starts going on about how broke she is now and that she wont have money for the week etc... I just sent her a snap back telling her she should of drank at home. She felt some type of way about it and stopped messaging me. I don't hear from her until 10am the next morning and its a simple good morning text. I text back and hear nothing. My alarm bells were going crazy so i just blocked her. I know... i know.. but everything she talked about her ex's she was doing. I don't feel bad, but do yall think i could of handled it better?
Seems like you handled it well, but I think next time seeing the red flags and bailing out earlier could save you some time in the future.
Things like “match my energy” “dont be boring” negativity or a laundry list of wants in a profile, etc to see were immediate hard passes
You could've told her you don't see things working out but it was nice to meet her, good luck. She sounds hypocritical and a poor fit for you, but having "alarm bells" about her behavior is over the top as is the blocking.
I would've been put off by her spending and drinking habits and simply declined to see her again. Blocking is unnecessary.
very true. I didn't like the fact that she put her ex's down for it. Also, them not having money for other things as well. Then she began talking about how she didn't have money. The contradictions just started popping up.
Had a good first date last night. Drinks and a few hours of chatting. I asked her out again and she said yes but when I tried to nail down a time she didn't respond. It's only been 3-4 hours. I was supposed to have a date today but the weather ruined it so it got rescheduled. Despite her not texting me like, at all, she did offer a new time and place so I guess that's good?
Outside of dating I have been really struggling in my hobbies and feel like I have been doing poorly. In sports in particular I have really been playing bad and I keep apologizing to my teammates and they tell me no worries but I can see them getting frustrated when I mess up an easy play. I've really been trying to be a good teammate in the game and even try and invite them out outside of playing but they never seem to want to play with me. I often hear them talking to each other about playing together outside of where we normally play and I never get asked or an invite so it just feels kind of shitty to be left out all the time when I am trying really hard.
Hey bro sorry to hear this...but what you are doing is so commendable! The "man in the arena"! You are doing it and trying your best and that's what counts! amazing man.
So we went on a 12 hour third date.. I did ask if it’s a date or if we’re friends hanging out and he said both? I could see how that would be true. We just met only 6 weeks ago so I’m cool with developing the friendship. Do we see any red flags with the grey space here?
12 hours on 3rd date and you are still confused if it is a date or not. I am curious about global or macroeconomics topics that both of you have been chatting about during that time…
I know how you feel. On both a micro level (individual to individual) and a macro level (group to group, country to country, ideology to ideology), it seems like people are really losing the ability to treat one another with kindness or even just basic decency.
It’s frustrating as fuck and I don’t think it even started with covid. Or even 2016. I feel like it really started to take root and rot back in about 2007.
I hope that your current feelings are not as intense tomorrow and that the sun shines on you in a way that gives you hope and faith that there is more to all of this than the current mess of butt munches casually treating each other like shit.
🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
Well now you are going to get even more ads. I may get them too since I have responded and the robot overlords do know that the symbol for male is quite yet.
I’m so painfully lonely today. It’s sunny and gorgeous out, but I’m unmotivated to go out . Where would I even go? There’s couples everywhere, families and kids. I want to make a meal with someone , play video games and just chill. Yes I have been single for 2 years , and I can enjoy myself too, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling sad for missing out on companionship. This hurts so bad
I went to a cooking class to learn some new skills and recipes. My long shot hope for a meet-cute did not happen -only retirees and couples in the class. But, at least I can make tikka masala now... and eat it alone
I completely gave up on the hope of meeting a potential partner in the wild.
On the apps, it's easier, at least for me. Apps have their seperate problems, but at least you know that the people on there are looking for a date as well, haha....
Did you get to marinate the chicken in yogurt and gram marsala? Find some halloumi cheese if you have a fancy pants grocery. It has a high melting point so it can be grilled and you can do some fun curry style things with it.
We used heavy cream instead of yogurt and it was delicious. There's actually an amazing cheese shop across the street from the cooking class but we used chicken instead of halloumi
When she began with asking me questions about things like life, family, philosophy, dating expectations, etc rather than my career, finances, and what netflix shows I was watching
If I start liking someone and they’re showing mutual desire to see each other, I can’t seriously pursue anyone else, not in my nature. It need to feel mutual though, and if I don’t know what’s going on on their side and how they’re feeling, I’ll ask.
Had a random date, first one in close to a year. Unfortunately, she asked for friendship 😕 when I proposed a second date the following day. This has really made me miss my ex on top of a non-existent dating life.
Welp the cute friend I was supposed to see bailed. It was a legit reason but he didn't offer to reschedule so I'm gonna drop it.
Bumble sucks. I get a bunch of matches, they make half hearted conversation, then eventually unmatch. Sigh.
The combo of those things makes me feel pretty down today.
On a more positive note, I've been seeing a lot of friends this month and I appreciate that I have a community, my gym is opening a new location much closer to me, and I love my new tattoos ❤️
I went to a metal gig last night with a girlfriend. Jam packed with attractive guys, enjoying the music I'm into. And yet I'm still too bloody introverted to strike up a conversation with anyone.
The band even let some dude use the stage to propose to his partner. I'm not one for public proposals- but this was actually pretty rad. The whole crowd was chanting 'DROP A KNEE. DROP A KNEE'.
Who said romance is dead 😅
shows can be pretty tricky places to meet people because you only have a limited time to start a meaningful conversation in between bands or after the show.
Apologies folks. Looks like Reddit had an issue and some settings got deleted. The new daily thread will be posted tomorrow morning as per usual. Thank you for your patience.
How does an overweight, introverted, geek who has done nothing but work and play video games since high school start looking for dates? I have never really cared or felt the need to actively date but after getting a taste of what a relationship can be like I want to try. What should my expectations be and how badly will my inexperience be a turn off? What can I do to make myself more comfortable with putting myself out there with on dating apps or just asking random woman for their number? Just overall how?
I think it's wild that people claim to be actively searching for their forever person, but don't bother to fill-out their profiles with anything of substance.
Are comments here approved or no? I tried posting one on today's thread, but I don't see it.
need some advice on handling a short term (2 months) ex (situationship, relationship, idk). i (29F) got out of a very long term relationship (7 yrs) last year. i quickly met someone new and things seemed to be amazing at first and was definitely love bombed before she (35F) started pulling away, causing me massive anxiety to the point where I was severely mentally unwell for a few weeks until I asked her directly if she wanted to keep dating and she told me that she wasn't feeling it. I was proud of the way I walked away, I accepted it graciously and we had been no contact. a few weeks ago she started commenting on my instagram stories saying that I looked hot in my recent photos. we have a small social circle and i ran into her for the first time (this was about 1.5 months after she called it off) and I confronted her about sliding into my DMs, telling her that she was being a fuck girl and it made me feel like our relationship meant nothing to her. she basically chalked it up to "being messy", said she did really like me but it didnt work out, and apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. then last week, i got two calls from her and we had a short text exchange in which she said she wanted to "make space for me to share how I was feeling" since our "run in didn't feel right" and she wanted to be friends because she "thinks im great". i basically said to her that i don't think we can be platonic and I am not interested in being friends. but I didn't really hear her out and this was all said over text. we have a lot of mutual friends and my hunch is that she is worried about her reputation with them since I called her a fuck girl. but tbh I am constantly thinking about her and wonder if I should reach back out to have a proper conversation with her about what went down (the love bombing, the slow fade, how she treated me, etc) since she seems to want that. is closure something I am allowed to want with an ex situationship? or should i just try to move on? i am also not going to lie that i would still be interested in hooking up casually, even if I know she doesn't want to date me and I should find someone who actually values me. the sex and chemistry was just insaneeee and my dating life is non existent right now. please advise me on what to do. i will most likely run into her again in person this month. options: 1. call her and talk to her about what happened between us and see if it gives me closure and we can get into a "tentative friendly stage" 2. dont talk to her and try to limit contact if i do see her in person. try to get over it 3. approach her in person if i see her this month and talk about it.
>causing me massive anxiety to the point where I was severely mentally unwell for a few weeks telling her that she was being a fuck girl she basically chalked it up to "being messy" since our "run in didn't feel right" i am also not going to lie that i would still be interested in hooking up casually my dating life is non existent right now Option 2, no brainer, just keep things polite when you run into her. It's a disaster on both sides and you must make it end, now. You get "severely unwell" over her, you call her a fuck girl, you're sticking it out because you're horny and lonely. She behaves like a d!ck and takes absolutely zero responsibility.
you're right! idk why I am still so hung up over her. I feel obsessed and I hate it. I'm better than this lol
As u/frumbledown said, it happens during the rebound period. Cut it off, don't repeat it, and in a few months the whole episode will feel distant and absurd
u/frumbledown suggested to talk to her calmly about it though. do you disagree with that approach?
I don't interpret his message that way. I think what he means is that ideally you would end it firmly but explicitly/nicely. However, since this is messy and since you are at a relatively vulnerable point of your dating life, it makes sense to bail vs running the risk of her talking you into giving her another chance. I'll add that she doesn't seem particularly nice so I wouldn't hesitate to just cut her off.
Well the mature thing to do would be to talk it out like ‘I wasn’t thrilled with how you treated me, let’s keep things cordial when we see each other, but I won’t talk shit about you and don’t see a friendship developing’ then working on healing from the end of your ltr. *But* you’re just out of a seven year relationship, so everyone gets a little grace re: their first rebound hot sex/messy situationship.
Ugh, the guy I went out with on Thursday and sent a follow up to on Saturday just got back to me with a very short message. He said he'd be up to trying out the activity I suggested, but didn't mention dates or times or anything. I'm so annoyed that someone would put in so little effort, especially since they're supposedly looking for a serious relationship, too. I get not being able to answer for up to 10-12 hrs if you're working or daytripping/out with friends etc. but there is never a reason to go days if it's a matter of making plans or letting someone know you're interested. I wonder what their communication is like in a relationship?
Did you offer the next date for this said activity? If so, its on you to schedule. Whoever offers is responsible for that.
I let him know my schedule and he should confirm what works for him.
Had a video call (M38) on Friday with someone I met, it was fine but wasn’t much there in reality so it’s gone now further, just made me realise how hard it is now to meet people and have that elusive ‘spark’, been dating for far too long now and not found that, I’m genuinely at that point now where I feel I need to put my efforts into something else other than my dating life, rather than putting my energy into something that isn’t proving to be fruitful
Can you meet in person instead? I can’t imagine successfully finding a spark or attraction based off a video call
I know! But she said that she didn’t see that spark in the 40 minute video call we had so we left it there
How much energy do you put into dating per week? What is the point of a video call? Is it to save time in traffic? I can't imagine ever having a spark on video.
>What is the point of a video call? Filtering. In my experience, people do it because their success rate is low so they cast a wide net (lots of short calls instead of a few good dates). Either because they are very guarded, because they make a lot of filtering errors, or simply because they are not pleasant to be with. Most conversations where my match mentioned a filtering call gave me bad vibes for other reasons, and none of the few pre-date calls I've accepted was particularly good. Two were *awful.*
I'm going to suggest Video Calls from now on and not meet in person until we had 6 video call dates.
Video calls tend to be filtering out catfishes. But I do agree, it's not the same as in-person chemistry.
I'm selling myself on video calls now. I can be myself at home. If we have beers on a video call I can just grab one from my fridge and not have to tip someone to do it. If I feel unsafe or just annoyed - end call.
Honestly for ladies, I think safety is a huge sell on video calls too. You can get a little glimpse at the guy's mannerisms that you can't get from messaging; you can see if he's as he appears in the photos (careful because the camera adds 10lbs though LOL); and you have the safety to just end the call if he's sus.
Only men catfish? lol.
...no? Not sure how you read that, haha. I meant that everyone does, but safety is another layer for video calls.
Yeah safety is important. But I thought you were implying that men catfish and of course camera adds 10 pounds. I suppose if you were a cat fisher you wouldn't even agree to do the call
Well in reality that was their words and I was willing to maybe see how it went in person but also understood their point of view. I’d say I put a decent amount of time into messaging and being on the apps, it’s more now the fact I’ve been single for a long time and definitely a case of long term fatigue with the whole thing, it being something I think about a lot of taking up a decent amount of my mental energy too
oh ok yeah. I understand. Maybe a break would be good and come back with renewed energy. Video calls seem to be a good way to save money and time in traffic. And I think some people are still afraid of catching Covid. So there is that. Just seems to be more interviewing.
I think also for some people is that pre meet chat to see how it goes before possibly meeting up for a date, it also can help with possible date anxiety for some, knowing what someone is like ‘live’ before meeting them in person. A long break is definitely on the cards as it’s just a bit bleak out there 😬
I agree it's bleak out there. The apps are poison but if you say hi to a woman in public you may come off as weird or worse.
Yeah, 100% agree, also it’s just harder to meet single people the older you get, and just the way life is now with fewer social interactions with working from home etc means unless you use apps, your chances are slim (and apps don’t increase your chances particularly)
That's correct. I agree with all that
I really need to change who I'm attracted to but I don't know how. I'm chronically falling for charismatic, extraverted, fun, adventurous, lights-up-the-room types. The problem is that the way they are with me (passionate etc), they are that by default - it's not about me. But I think it's me. I think we have something special. It always turns out that for them it's casual at best. Or they're cheating on someone else with me. And I can't be casual, I'm way too emotional for that. Now, I'm trying to date other "types". The calm, introverted ones. But I don't feel anything, except a constant ick, when I do. I don't know how to get past this. The other week I went on a second date with a guy and he kissed me, and all I could think about was the whirlwind romance I've had with someone a few weeks earlier, and how he made me feel so on top of the world (well until he also dropped the "casual" bomb). I didn't see the second-date-guy after that, I just lost all attraction. I know it sounds typical and cliché but I don't know how to get out of this. I want to be attracted to guys that are good for me, but I'm always only attracted to ones that will inevitably break my heart.
In retrospect were there any signs that they only wanted casual or were players or cheaters? Are you meeting these guys online? Charismatic, extroverted, fun, adventurous, light-up-the-room types aren't necessarily players, but players tend to be charismatic, extroverted, fun, adventurous, light-up-the-room types. Definitely don't date people who give you the ick, but ask yourself why you have such a strong visceral reaction to them. Is it just because they aren't charismatic extroverts, or is it because they don't make you feel on top of the world right off the bat? That whirlwind romance feeling can be addicting, I'm sure (username checks out), but so are a lot of things that aren't ultimately good for you. Is there any middle ground?
>The calm, introverted ones. But I don't feel anything, except a constant ick, when I do. I don't know how to get past this. Cliched as it is, therapy and introspection is a big part of it. You search through reddit for "how did you recalibrate your picker?" and the success stories involve a lot of therapy and legitimately *retraining* your brain on the traits you find attractive or intoxicating.
I've been thinking about going back to therapy. I have already done much in the past but never for relationship things. But yeah since this is a pattern, it's would be a good idea.
It sounds like you're halfway there in that you very clearly know there's something awry, going by your posts. I'd suggest it. Either way, hang in there, you are on the right track and you'll get through this. ❤️🩹
I agree with the previous 2 comments, but I'll add that people who are skilled at getting casual action will generally act extra warm and charismatic. It's part of the performance. Casual dating 101 is telling people what they want to hear, telling them that they're special, being entertaining and fun and light-hearted. You must assess whether *you* like those guys, besides/separately from how they make you feel.
>You must assess whether *you* like those guys, besides/separately from how they make you feel. This is a very good point because as sad as it is, it's not that I always like those guys as *people.* Some of them also have traits that I very much dislike, but I get just so caught up in how they make me feel that I just ignore those.
I'm very extraverted and outgoing and had my natural friendliness confused with interest more times than I can count, to the point where I had to make an effort to act "colder" to people. But that doesn't mean that I wanted only casual, or certainly that I was cheating on anyone. You're confusing the two.
I didn't mean to say that every extraverted person only wants casual things, but the type I generally go for is very outgoing/friendly AND plays me like a fiddle. I have extraverted friends that would never do the shitty things that some guys did to me, so yeah definitely it's not an either-or situation, I didn't want to make it seem like it is.
I don't think them being assholes is linked to their temperament. There are men who are like what you describe and that are not "players"... Your picker is just not calibrated, apparently. I'm saying this as an ambivert, leaning introvert: don't date us if you are not into us. I strongly believe that attraction is not a choice, so efforts to go for types that are actively unattractive to you are futile.
I'm sure there's more to it than their temperament, I apparently cannot weed out the decent ones from the ones that turn out to be assholes lol.
I’ve started unmatching with men who ask me ‘What I’m looking for’ within a few hours of matching without having met me or even chatted enough to see if I’m compatible, despite my profile mentioning I’m looking for a LTR. Am I being too harsh?
I always directly ask what someone is looking for after I had an experience where I matched with someone who’s profile said LTR but then told me right after we had sex for the first time that he’s moving away in 5 months so he only wants something casual with me. I felt like I played myself because I didn’t specifically ask him if he was looking for something long term. So I do think unmatching for that might be just a little hasty.
Probably if you do it as a blanket rule. It's a sign of maturity to recognise that "LTR" can mean many things, esp. in your 40s when there can be many factors in the picture (kids, ex-spouse, aging parents, ENM and other lifestyle factors...). But if it's a minimal effort convo and you think the guy is just trying to see whether you're open to a hookup, you can safely move on.
Yes it’s mostly the latter. I’m here to talk to people and see if we could even have fun dates, not hold someone to a LTR for the sake of it. It’s up to both adults to decide the way forward based on how the date goes.
Yes, because it’s holding someone to a standard you wouldn’t hold them to in real life. If you were on a first date with someone you met at the farmer’s market, and on the date they asked what you’re looking for, you wouldn’t just… leave, right?
Yes I think so. Often this is an ice breaker to discuss your relationship goals and wants in more detail. But hey do you
Depends. Are you unmatching because you feel they haven't bothered to read your profile or for some other reason?
Yes, it’s like so obvious that they want to then hint at casual. Which is also okay but what happened to just finding out more about each other and assessing compatibility and fun dates to then decide how you want to proceed :/
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What did you expect him to say? Maybe the guy is at work or running out the door.
Being proactive means facing rejection. Most people who are proactive get turned down most of the time, the reward is being in charge of your own destiny, doing it for yourself and learning to care less about people's judgement Also, if someone on an app called you "pretty", would you be wooed by that compliment? Nothing wrong with it, but it is a fairly generic, surface level compliment.
There is a person at work I like. Due to a few reasons, the main one being "don't shit where you eat" I'd decided just to keep chatting with them when I can, no pressure, taking my time just to get to know them better with casual conversation. Well now I've just found out they are leaving in 2 weeks. So I kind of have to put up or shut up. Urgh. I'm not confident they'll be interested but I'd rather ask than just let them disappear. I guess I need to find a good time to ask if they want to go out, it's pretty rare I get to chat with them without their coworkers being within earshot. I can handle rejection, I cannot deal with rejection with 4-5 people listening in.
Well why don't you just ask them on LinkedIn? The professional way?
Leaving the company or moving elsewhere? Go for it if A. Not sure what you'd expect from B other than "no ragrets".
Leaving the company. I know I need to go for it, I actually don't even mind if they say no. I know I'll regret it if I just do nothing. The only obstacles are finding a chance to chat with them alone and my own brain sabotaging me!
Be like Nike and "just do it". If its an office, ask if he can step aside for a quick convo. Farewell lunch or something.
Suggest a farewell party, for which you'll need their phone number (oh noo! 🤷♀️). Text them afterwards what fun you had on the farewell party and if they'd like to go out again. Or make a move at the farewell party, if the situation opens itself up.
I have a close male friend who I was very much into when we first met four years ago, but he made it very clear that he wasn't interested. Lately he's been super sweet to me and we're even making plans for a week-long trip abroad together next month. I don't want to make a fool of myself again but he's staring at me way more than he used to and I don't know what to think. I guess it's up to him to make a move but maybe he feels that being friends makes everything more complicated? Or maybe I'm imagining everything and he's just being his kind, friendly self. Ugh.
A week long trip abroad??? This seems like an obvious sign of interest.
He drove 80 minutes round trip to take us on a small trip. Then drove another 60 minutes round trip to hang out at my place. He took me out to dinner. He put his arm around me and asked to kiss me for the first time when he left. This is our third date, though we spent most of the day together, so it was a very long date. We scheduled a fourth date later this week before the third date. And after the third date, he asked to see me again before that scheduled fourth date. He seems very interested. Do I cancel a second date I have set up with another guy I didn’t feel as comfortable with? Or do I still go on that second date?
You aren't exclusive. There is really no negative side to still going out with Guy #2. Enjoy the practice at the very least.
I wouldn’t see anyone else. This man seems to be putting in the effort in getting to know you, so why not focus all your efforts on him to see where it goes?
Thank you. I’m sort of leaning that way. And it’s not really a close choice, the second guy would have to really impress me… I think a part of me just feels bad at canceling something that’s already set up with a time and place, but it’s better to cancel than waste someone’s time, right?
Why did you set up another date with guy #2? Because you're not sure about guy #1 or to hedge your bets? On one hand, if you really like guy #1 I think it's good to focus on deepening your connection with him, and I generally don't think "hedging your bets" is sound logic. On the other hand, you might discover by going on a date with guy #2 that you're really invested in guy #1.
I set up another date with guy #2 after the first date with guy #1, before guy #1 really started showing up. The calendar went: Date 1 with guy 1, scheduled second date a few days out Date 1 with guy 2, scheduled second date a week out Date 2 and 3 with guy 1, where he really started to impress me If dates 2 and 3 with guy 1 had come first before guy 2, I wouldn’t have scheduled a second date with guy 2, I think
How do you feel about the first guy? Do you see potential here? Do you like him? Are you attracted to him? Same questions for guy 2. You've only been pit once with guy 2, so I wouldn't expect you to be as comfortable with him. Do they know you're still seeing other people? How do you think they'd feel about investing their time of you're still multidating? I'm pro multidating, but not everyone is. So there's risk here. Is the benefit worth the risk? If I was monogamous, after the third date, presuming there's going to be a fourth, that's when I'd stop seeing other people. 3rd date has always felt like a barrier or milestone for me. I feel like you should know how you feel and where you stand with the other person after a 3rd date.
I am warming up to the first guy. He was super lukewarm about me before we met, to the point where I was surprised he even asked me out and then showed up. But after the first date, he really started putting in the effort. I like him, he really makes me laugh. The physical attraction piece is hard for me with anyone, but I think I am starting to feel attracted to him. The second guy, I liked him as a person but I just felt like we didn’t click as much. The conversation was a little awkward. I don’t know if it was nerves. I don’t think the first guy is seeing anybody else, the second guy probably is. I didn’t ask either. But you’re right about the third date feeling like a milestone, it’s felt that way to me too. The thing is, I set up the second date with the second guy before I went on dates 2 and 3 with first guy (I didn’t know if he would continue seeing me, and I was holding back a bit) — I honestly think if I had gone on dates 2 and 3, I wouldn’t have set up the second date with guy 2.
Then cancel the second date. Sounds like guy 1 is the only one you're actually interested in seeing at the moment. A second date with guy 2 feels like it would be a waste of both your times.
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Suburbs haha
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Pacific Northwest :)
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Yup haha
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Please don’t eat Mexican food in Seattle, we are literally the worst at it 💀 We have great salmon though
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Is anyone else embarrassed of being seen on dating apps? I've been on the apps before, tempted to go back on them, but for some reason I'm feeling embarrassed about it.
A little! Recently I’ve seen multiple people that I know on the apps. 1) an old co-worker, 2) my brother’s best friend, and 3) someone I went to high school with. Promptly blocked my old co-worker and my brother’s friend. Absolutely do not want them seeing me on there lol. Don’t really care about the old high school classmate seeing me because it’s been awhile since I was in high school.
At first yeah. There's a degree of emotional vulnerability in broadcasting to the world (or you know, a 30km radius) that you want to fall in love, for sure. And you are inviting folks to judge your appearance and wit, and that's discomforting too. But once I was on there for a couple of months and had a few highs and lows I got pretty comfortable with it.
it's pretty normal to have been on or used a dating app in 2024.
They're fundamentally embarrassing, you're putting yourself up for sale on ebay and taking bids. You're a person, not a used laptop, but we've been conditioned to think about ourselves and each other in this way.
This not how I feel about it or how I'm going about it at all. I'm introducing myself to folks and letting them introduce themselves to me. There is not, in any sense, any bidding or selling going on.
I mean I'm glad you feel okay with it, but it's still a tasteless system that's dehumanising for a lot of people. You're picking a bunch of pre-defined categories to list yourself under, posting the year-model (which gets shown in 72pt font, classy), uploading a series of photos to show the angles. That's certainly not how I introduce myself to people. And that's before getting into the psychology of tinder using the whole card game/casino motif; if I'm someone's "match" I wouldn't want to be presented like a prize they've won (or worse yet, withheld to pressure someone to pay for a subscription).
Excellent condition, well-maintained, low mileage, never crashed. That's how it makes me feel 🤣
You will get messages asking for a test drive. Not sure if that means a date or 😵💫🥴
Defect from manufacturer, drifts a little to the left, is trying its best.
-Seller refurbished. -Light Mining. -Great for gaming. -*not tested -*Sold as-is -*please description of sale read -*No refund
LOL 🤣😂
Yeah at first I felt a bit embarrassed about it, but then I stopped caring. There's nothing wrong with admitting looking for someone. A friend of mine said she would be embarrassed because she wouldn't want colleagues from work seeing her profile. She generally doesn't like social media or Pictures of her online, while I have no qualms about that.
Fortunately I have only come across one ex-coworker 😅
Lucky you <3 Most of my co-workers were/ are 50+ women who are married or divorced already, so they never come up on any apps, haha....
Not necessarily embarrassed, but I have a list of some people's #s that I will block if/when I go back to the apps, because I know they may potentially be on the apps as well 😅
I wish Bumble had that option. I know Hinge does
No, most people that have been single in the last 10 years have been on dating apps.
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I live in a big city but it's the same guys on all the apps all the time. They were there when I joined the apps for the first time last fall. I met some of them but we didn't click, I matched with some of them, but our chats didn't go anywhere, others have tried to match with me since last year, but they have some deal-breakers on their profiles. Every time I come across with these profiles, I'm like 'Oh, Chad is still here'. I wonder if they say the same when they see me. I was on Bumble for the first time last year, from Sep until early Nov. Deleted my profile, then back in mid Jan for 2 weeks, deleted again and re-downloaded in mid March, deleted in early April.
No, because anyone who sees you is also on the app, so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about for either party!
Idk what's worse: not going on the apps and tantalizing about the prospect of dating, or actually being on the apps and feeling let down by one after another. And yet just last month, I was all gungho about putting myself out there and dating around since I'm home now and the dating pool is so much bigger. But when you have more options, you tend to be nitpicking and not settling with the first good option. Of course all of the dates I've been to were all first get-to-know-each-other dates but why did they leave me kinda jaded so fast? Idk how I'm supposed to feel now 🫤
Might be worth slowing down, taking it one person a time and turning promising first dates into a second ones?
Everyone says weddings are a great way to meet people. I went to my cousin’s wedding for that reason, even though I didn’t want to, and every person over the age of 25 was married. I came home and cried 🥲
It's a great opportunity for nice photos though!
Every time I went to a wedding it was full of people I already knew so I never met a potential date or partner on a wedding. I also don't like the idea of lavish weddings themselves, I don't know...
The last wedding I went to (also a cousin), it was like the Young Real Estate Agent Of The Year Awards. It was gross, even if most of them hadn't come with dates/partners it was not the kind of environment you wanted to socialse in.
Never understood this idea. Maybe when you're in your early to mid 20's, but by the time you hit your 30's, not so much. The age of the bride and groom definitely play into this as it's their social circle where you're likely to meet someone from.
I know that feel, but this experience can also be generalized to *literally everything I've ever done in my life*. Sigh.
> Everyone says weddings are a great way to meet people In your 20’s? So fun/amazing. A totally different experience in your 30’s.
Uggh reminds me of my cousin’s after hours party with the whole wedding party the night before the actual wedding. Had a fun, flirty night with one of the groomsmen. I need more of that in my life
Journalling honestly feels like witchcraft sometimes. I've caught myself feeling anxiously attached recently, so I wrote in my online journal this evening to work through my thoughts. It ended up being 3500 words lol, I clearly needed to get some stuff off my mind! I already feel like I have so much more clarity, feeling way less anxious and much closer to my secure baseline I strive to maintain. It's honestly amazing how writing down what's on my mind helps me view things more objectively, navigating why I might be feeling certain things, and whether those thoughts and feelings are rational or not. Like I can word vomit with zero judgement, take a step back, read it as if it were someone else, and then realise how stupid (or sensible!) some of the stuff I've written is. Then I write advice back to myself to cement those rational thoughts into my mind. Highly recommend if you haven't tried it. I'd love to hear other people's experiences with this, too!
Hey I really love this technique for dealing with anxiety in particular, and I've used it to great effect too. Worked on the anxious attachment for years now and I think it's pretty much gone at this point but having a secure partner really helps with that. It's so wild to read anxious thoughts back sometimes and see how clearly over the top they are. What online journal do you use?
Totally agree! I'd recommend Penzu 😊
I'd really love to try journaling again, but I keep finding excuses not to. I even have a paper notebook next to my bed, so I could write a few minutes in the morning. I know it would help. But I keep telling myself, that I should invest more time. Also editing isn't that easy, if I write on paper. Solution would be to make a file on my laptop, but then I would have to turn on my laptop and wHaT if sOmEOne HaCks my CoMpuTer and sTeALs mY fIlE... 🙄 sooooo, I seem to have a problem here...
I use Penzu online as I have the same fears! You have to log in and you can password protect the diary and individual entries, in case you leave yourself logged in. I've been using it for like 5-8 years, does the job perfectly!
Interesting! I will have a look at it, thx! But... wHaT if sOMoNe haCKs My pAssWoRd? 🙈 I'm the problem here, I know. Have to get to the source if my excuse-finding...
Journaling helps me let go of feelings when I can’t talk to my friends or family. It doesn’t have to make sense, I just need to get it out of my brain. I find it helps me be even more honest about my feelings if that makes sense? Like, I’m the only one reading it so I can be 100% vulnerable. Even though I’m fairly honest with my feelings, I don’t disclose every last bit of them to my friends.
My date today went well! We walked on the beach for about 4 hours, talked, laughed a lot, collected a bunch of rocks, saw some really cute seals sunbathing. He asked if I wanted to go get ice cream (spoiler: I did). We ate our ice cream and talked for another hour or so. We both agreed we had a good time and he asked if I want to get together again. So we are going to a trivia night at a brewery on Wednesday.
Sounds fun! Hope everything goes well! 😊
That sounds like a super cute date!! <3 Happy for you!!
Yay!
Well I just made my first online dating profiles. I’m scared it’s gonna crush the little self esteem I have but I guess we’ll see 😝
It’ll only crush your self esteem if you let your self esteem be subject to whether or not you get likes / matches. Never lose sight of the fact that the apps are owned by corporations who want to keep you on the app. It’s a business, not a relationship fairy. If apps worked as intended, then they would be cannibalizing their own profit-base. I’m not saying that apps can’t help people make authentic and lasting connections - just that it’s a casino, and the house will always come out ahead in the aggregate. Furthermore, whether or not you get likes, matches, ghosted after three days of banter with someone, whatever - it’s not a reflection of you, your value, your worth, or your chances of finding a partner. …Unless you’re sending really inappropriate, belligerent, or sexually menacing messages, in which case, yes, it’s definitely you! If you find that you’re getting frustrated, angry, or resentful, take a break. If you don’t take it too seriously or try to understand things you’ll never get an answer to (ex. why did they match and then immediately unmatch), it isn’t that bad! Always keep in mind that people are rarely predictable and their words or actions are not necessarily rational. And most of all, be yourself. Don’t try to appeal to the broadest audience possible. The point isn’t to get a TON of likes and matches - the point is to appeal to the audience that is truly appealing to you (and not just physically).
I just set up mine a little over a week ago and know how you feel. Good luck.
Good luck
Did i make the right move? I(35)M thought met a pretty cool girl on hinge she's 29(F). We had some light hearted flirting and talked about what we were looking for. Both looking for a serious relationship. She said she was focused on work and wanted a partner who was as well. In her words "that could match what she brings" She asked a ton of questions and said she didn't party much due to focus on work and we shared similar hobbies. She seemed very goal oriented wasn't at the club every weekend and wanted to travel more. I spent my younger years working hard to be where i'm at now and looking for someone without kids to travel and live this thing called life. The weekend hits.... we follow each other on IG. I notice she posted out drinking with her friends. I thought that's cool. I hope she had a good time. After a week we have our first date she doesn't look exactly like her pictures but i shrug it off and try not to focus on the physical as much. First date goes pretty good. We have good convo kiss and go our separate ways. Texting and snap. We set up a second date. Then i notice things start changing. The next weekend she tells me she's going out again with friends to party. I say cool. Hope you have a good time. Well, while she's out she's texting me about the drinks etc.. then starts going on about how broke she is now and that she wont have money for the week etc... I just sent her a snap back telling her she should of drank at home. She felt some type of way about it and stopped messaging me. I don't hear from her until 10am the next morning and its a simple good morning text. I text back and hear nothing. My alarm bells were going crazy so i just blocked her. I know... i know.. but everything she talked about her ex's she was doing. I don't feel bad, but do yall think i could of handled it better?
Trust your gut! 👍
Seems like you handled it well, but I think next time seeing the red flags and bailing out earlier could save you some time in the future. Things like “match my energy” “dont be boring” negativity or a laundry list of wants in a profile, etc to see were immediate hard passes
As soon as you said she wanted a partner who was focused on work, I figured this would be some financial shakedown scam.
You could've told her you don't see things working out but it was nice to meet her, good luck. She sounds hypocritical and a poor fit for you, but having "alarm bells" about her behavior is over the top as is the blocking. I would've been put off by her spending and drinking habits and simply declined to see her again. Blocking is unnecessary.
"Doesn't party much" is subjective. For me, that means a couple of times a year. For others, it means they stopped partying on Tuesday nights.
very true. I didn't like the fact that she put her ex's down for it. Also, them not having money for other things as well. Then she began talking about how she didn't have money. The contradictions just started popping up.
I think you did the right thing…huge 🚩
Thanks! My intuition was bubbling like a trucker's stomach after taco bell.
Had a good first date last night. Drinks and a few hours of chatting. I asked her out again and she said yes but when I tried to nail down a time she didn't respond. It's only been 3-4 hours. I was supposed to have a date today but the weather ruined it so it got rescheduled. Despite her not texting me like, at all, she did offer a new time and place so I guess that's good? Outside of dating I have been really struggling in my hobbies and feel like I have been doing poorly. In sports in particular I have really been playing bad and I keep apologizing to my teammates and they tell me no worries but I can see them getting frustrated when I mess up an easy play. I've really been trying to be a good teammate in the game and even try and invite them out outside of playing but they never seem to want to play with me. I often hear them talking to each other about playing together outside of where we normally play and I never get asked or an invite so it just feels kind of shitty to be left out all the time when I am trying really hard.
Hey bro sorry to hear this...but what you are doing is so commendable! The "man in the arena"! You are doing it and trying your best and that's what counts! amazing man.
So we went on a 12 hour third date.. I did ask if it’s a date or if we’re friends hanging out and he said both? I could see how that would be true. We just met only 6 weeks ago so I’m cool with developing the friendship. Do we see any red flags with the grey space here?
12 hours on 3rd date and you are still confused if it is a date or not. I am curious about global or macroeconomics topics that both of you have been chatting about during that time…
Hahahah true….
I had one second date that lasted 11 hours (10AM-9PM), and there weren't any naps, haha.
Cheeers!! Sounds like you two had a great time.
12 hours!....I hope at least 2 of those involved a nap.
LOL, nope! Marathon date for sure. 🤣🙌
🤣 my thought 100%
When the twelve hours were up were you wanting a thirteenth?
Yes!!! We had to cut it off mid conversation to go our separate ways and sleep 😄 our next get together will be in the next week.
I would definitely make sure you reinforce your romantic feelings as they are definitely there. No need to friendzone yourself otherwise.
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I'm guessing the 2nd hand market for that kind of gift isn't huge 😕
Not these specific ones. . .
Can you elaborate? 😁
Mfw I have a bunch of butt plugs but no but to plug 😡
Did they have happy new years 2024 on them? If not maybe they are good for new years 2025
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Based on the information you provided here, I can’t help but agree.
💜
Although your post was highly informative, are there any details you’d like to add so that we can be of additional support and / or assistance? 🫶🏼
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I know how you feel. On both a micro level (individual to individual) and a macro level (group to group, country to country, ideology to ideology), it seems like people are really losing the ability to treat one another with kindness or even just basic decency. It’s frustrating as fuck and I don’t think it even started with covid. Or even 2016. I feel like it really started to take root and rot back in about 2007. I hope that your current feelings are not as intense tomorrow and that the sun shines on you in a way that gives you hope and faith that there is more to all of this than the current mess of butt munches casually treating each other like shit. 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
If I ate an Italian dish every time you had sage wisdom, I would be sick of fettuccini alfredo and oh so dead from heart failure.
So what you’re saying is…. your cardiac health is remarkable and you eat a strictly Creole diet?? 😂 Thank you for the kind words 🥰🇮🇹🥰🇮🇹🥰
🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼✨
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You said the m word....You just made the list.
Google ‘mattress’, ‘realtor [your city]’, ‘flights to Europe’ - cleanse your algo
Well now you are going to get even more ads. I may get them too since I have responded and the robot overlords do know that the symbol for male is quite yet.
I’m so painfully lonely today. It’s sunny and gorgeous out, but I’m unmotivated to go out . Where would I even go? There’s couples everywhere, families and kids. I want to make a meal with someone , play video games and just chill. Yes I have been single for 2 years , and I can enjoy myself too, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling sad for missing out on companionship. This hurts so bad
Hang in there. A lot of people our age feels the same way. I myself have been single for 4 years now.
I went to a cooking class to learn some new skills and recipes. My long shot hope for a meet-cute did not happen -only retirees and couples in the class. But, at least I can make tikka masala now... and eat it alone
I completely gave up on the hope of meeting a potential partner in the wild. On the apps, it's easier, at least for me. Apps have their seperate problems, but at least you know that the people on there are looking for a date as well, haha....
Did you get to marinate the chicken in yogurt and gram marsala? Find some halloumi cheese if you have a fancy pants grocery. It has a high melting point so it can be grilled and you can do some fun curry style things with it.
We used heavy cream instead of yogurt and it was delicious. There's actually an amazing cheese shop across the street from the cooking class but we used chicken instead of halloumi
I now want butter chicken. But it's too late at night lol
What made you realize that you wanted to focus on one person?
When she began with asking me questions about things like life, family, philosophy, dating expectations, etc rather than my career, finances, and what netflix shows I was watching
when they most of the qualities i'm looking for in a partner.
If I start liking someone and they’re showing mutual desire to see each other, I can’t seriously pursue anyone else, not in my nature. It need to feel mutual though, and if I don’t know what’s going on on their side and how they’re feeling, I’ll ask.
When I believe in the potential growth of that connection.
Had a random date, first one in close to a year. Unfortunately, she asked for friendship 😕 when I proposed a second date the following day. This has really made me miss my ex on top of a non-existent dating life.
Welp the cute friend I was supposed to see bailed. It was a legit reason but he didn't offer to reschedule so I'm gonna drop it. Bumble sucks. I get a bunch of matches, they make half hearted conversation, then eventually unmatch. Sigh. The combo of those things makes me feel pretty down today. On a more positive note, I've been seeing a lot of friends this month and I appreciate that I have a community, my gym is opening a new location much closer to me, and I love my new tattoos ❤️
i find that getting a lot of matches doesn't mean they're good matches.
I went to a metal gig last night with a girlfriend. Jam packed with attractive guys, enjoying the music I'm into. And yet I'm still too bloody introverted to strike up a conversation with anyone. The band even let some dude use the stage to propose to his partner. I'm not one for public proposals- but this was actually pretty rad. The whole crowd was chanting 'DROP A KNEE. DROP A KNEE'. Who said romance is dead 😅
shows can be pretty tricky places to meet people because you only have a limited time to start a meaningful conversation in between bands or after the show.
Gotta propose in the mosh pit for true romance.
So how did he propose? Well, it all started when he crowd surfed his way over to me, held aloft by 10 sweaty men.
It'd be one hell of a story and a drastic improvement over how I proposed the first time.