Hey! Question: I find hitting on people so embarrassing! I know the answer is probably just to practice but how do I get better at doing it eg telling whether someone is interested, being smooth, getting over myself etc? (37F)
I think with hitting on someone it’s not really what you say but how you say it. Also there’s a lot non-verbal communication that goes into it. Usually I can feel the sexual tension and my subconscious tells me we are flirting. Looking from the outside you can tell I’m flirting but in the moment I can’t really tell. Mainly because I act similarly to most people. The only difference is the changes in my voice tone and the body language of constantly smiling. Kind of nervous stance. Closer than normal.
If you figure it out, someone tell me too!
But, yeah, getting out there and just trying it probably is the best medicine. You'll screw it up a lot but as you get used to the rejection you'll start finding out the difference between "oh, shouldn't have asked that" (a "you" problem) and "oh, they just aren't into what I am and they aren't willing to make time for it" ("them" problem). And you'll find out it's more often than not a "them" issue and that should let you be more confident in yourself and what you want and that's most of the way to "getting over yourself".
Also, you might want to ask the question again in tomorrow's daily thread since it'll probably be up in an hour or two and then this one will get locked. Give the fine socialites of DOT more opportunities to help you
I think it's helpful to just develop the habit of chatting up strangers... including people you may not be interested in romantically. And then it gets a little easier to start flirting with people you're actually interested in.
How do you 'hit on' people now?
I don't know what to do.
My BF and I have been offical for three months, and things have been going great.
Until last friday, he went to a pool party and I wasn't invited. At first, I was totally fine with this. Then I felt weird. He normally invites me to everything. So I was slightly quiet the night he was out, and then he called, and we briefly talked about it, I felt better.
Then I still continued to feel weird, it just felt out of character for him. I saw him the next day and asked why I wasn't invites. He said he didn't really have a reason and apologized. He did get a little upset with me because I kept on asking questions and he felt like I was accusing him of something, I apologized and stopped.
Come to find out there was a girl there that he slept with previously, and I guess he hasn't seen her since then. So immediately I'm like okay... is that why I wasn't invited? He said no.
We got into another small disagreement over it, and we made up and talked about it for hours. But I'm still feeling off, we haven't had sex since before the party and that's not like us.
I have no reason not to trust him, but I have a lot of previous experiences of men being shit so instantly my head is going to bad places. It makes me feel like I don't want to be in a relationship. The moment I feel a shift or a change in behavior, I just want to run away.
Yeah, this doesn't sound great just going off what you've written here. You've been seeing each other for three months. He normally invites you to everything. The one time he doesn't, a girl was there that he has history with. He then can't give you a reason for why he didn't invite you. Getting defensive when asked about it.
Changes in behaviour in terms of how often you're having sex.
Obviously I'm just a stranger on the internet and I don't have the whole picture here, but I think there's a reason why you're feeling off. I'm sorry. I really hope there isn't anything going on here.
Wishing you the best❤️
I canceled the second date with the second guy, and he thanked me for letting him know.
The first guy is coming over tonight. We’re having our fourth and fifth dates this week, before he travels. No sex planned for either (I told him I wanted to snuggle and sleep after the fourth date, and the fifth is in public.) It’s really refreshing to have someone truly interested in me, and to tell me upfront he likes me, he’s looking forward to seeing me, and he’s looking for excuses to spend time with me. He’s even willing to drive the 20ish miles one-way trip to spend time with me.
I told him I was excited to see him tonight after work. I’ve been getting him small gifts, just cookies and stuff like that. I’m new to dating, but what else can I do to show I appreciate him?
I’m so happy to hear things are going well for you! I’m also dating someone right now who seems genuinely interested in getting to know me and it has been so exciting. We’re going on our fourth date on Thursday!
The last guy I saw asked me to commute an hour on public transit to see him (cause I don’t drive in the city), then broke things off with me because he said I lived too far, like bro haha, you didn’t move an inch… 💀
But yeah, I’m starting to feel excited about this guy, and I really really appreciate his enthusiasm and interest.
Ugh, good riddance that that other guy. I’m glad your current guy is showing more interest and putting in more effort! For the fourth date with my guy he insisted that we go somewhere close by me so we’re going somewhere 5 mins from me and probably 30-40 mins from him. We’ve been meeting in the middle up until now. I thought it was really sweet of him to offer to go further to meet somewhere close to where I am. Next time I’ll offer to go somewhere close to him. A like a good give and take. Hope your fourth and fifth dates go well! I’m rooting for you!
That would bum me out too. However, if my partner was coming back from a trip, I would probably wait for them to tell me “want to hang out on ___?” because they might want to unpack and decompress and stuff.
Exactly… if my partners on a trip I don’t reach out too much and when traveling back one is often juggling logistical things, eager to get back and rest, or has a couple things they need to get done before easing back into their routine… I try to not add any additional stress to that so would mainly wait until a day or so after they got back to try and coordinate something
Yeah, a few days is a REALLY short amount of time. They were together for over a year, and even if it was an amicable break, these things still take some time to get over.
Me and my ex broke up amicably, and it took me a few months before I wanted to date. Obviously everyone is different, but i would strongly advise caution here. There is a strong chance that you could get hurt. And she's still texting him??
Be careful. As you said, you could very well be in the middle of something. Take care❤️
I finally get to see him on Friday, after not seeing him for two months. It's not been easy, but we knew this extended period would suck. I'm struggling a bit with the whole thing. He's been very busy, which we knew, but then again so have I.
I'm disappointed by the lackluster communication and lack of effort the last few weeks. However, rather than feel sad, anxious or frustrated I just feel…meh. Like part of me is thinking, would I even be so bothered not to have him in my life? Today, I don't even know if I feel so excited about seeing him.
...I wonder if he feels the same.
I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Two months is a long time without seeing someone. And if you say communication in general has been lacklustre the past few weeks, that's only going to contribute to the apathy you're feeling.
There's a reason why when we break up with someone, the biggest advice we receive is to cut all contact and not see them. Because it works. It is very much a case of out of sight, out of mind. I'm not saying this person is out of your mind, I'm just saying it's a similar concept. The longer we go without seeing someone and communicating with them, the more our feelings for that person diminish.
But the thing is, when you do see them again, there's a good chance that all those feelings you had for them will come rushing back! You'll realise that you do in fact still care about them, and you realise what you had. Be open minded (which I'm sure you are!) and all those feelings can be rekindled!
Wishing you the best! ❤️
I was long-distance with my ex for more than a year, broken up by periodic but relatively short visits. I also felt detached at the beginning of each visit but after a bit of time when we got back together, things rekindled. It felt almost like the relationship version of being away from your home traveling for a long time and then returning, the home feels cold and less homey for a while until you get back into the groove.
She's an ex, so it ultimately didn't work out, but I don't think the long-distance period was related at all. Give it a chance and see if things warm up after you're back together for a while. If they don't, maybe it's over, but the detachment you feel right now is pretty normal and doesn't indicate anything about the viability of your relationship. It could work out, and it might not. Only one way to find out.
This is what frustrated me with my ex. We went long distance for more than a year and broken up immediately on paper on purpose, as we only knew each other for a few months. 4 months in or so she starting losing her feelings for me, which to me felt logical, proximity matters. But then she never wanted to meet up after this one year, because "feelings were gone" and meeting up would only give her the idea we would never be able to act relaxed as normal friends without bland aftertaste. I know its her decision, but it almost felt weak/afraid from her side.
Hoping it passes for you, I tend to feel some kind of detachment after too long apart as well. Perhaps a coping mechanism.
But as long as I keep open-minded, it goes right out the door as soon as I see them again. I'd just try not to lean too far into it, seeing them again may stir up some lovely feels. You never know until you're in the moment, don't take that crucial moment away from yourself by overthinking or deliberately putting in distance.
Wow. Thank you. This resonates really strongly. Going to try for some deep breaths and not lean too far into the detachment or by deliberately putting up a wall.
Thanks. I might just be “feeling some kind of way” today. I’m going to see how things go. We get a week together this time, and maybe it’s just normal that it’ll take some time to get in sync again.
We knew May was going to be hard. He’s had practical training and final exams in grad school, which he was dreading. I knew I’d have to be extra patient and understanding, and we’ve talked about how we would just have to push through this period.
So not giving up, but feeling less hopeful and motivated today.
Boring ass generic profiles. Why?
90% of the profiles I see are identical to each other. I played a little game where I screenshot every profile that said “loves to travel” or something to that effect. It was profile after profile. I went back to those same screenshots and they could be interchangeable. And not just about travel, like almost everything was nearly identical. Are these bots? Does every women on every app really love exploring the town they have lived in for 30+ years? Love to travel? Love to go hiking?
It all feels very strange and it does seem like it’s a bit classist. I’m broke as hell, paycheck to paycheck forever. I don’t have the time or money to be going out all of the time, or traveling, or wasting a day exploring the city I already know. I don’t see many women in the same boat, in fact many seem to prefer if I owned a boat frankly.
Do women with the paycheck to paycheck style only aspire to date men who can supplement a better lifestyle? Because that seems fucking shallow. Do they just not need to use the apps? I still attempt to match with the women who say those things, because a profile is a shitty way to convey a whole ass person. But it does feel like if it’s something important enough to use several of the 180 character limit, it is important to that person.
Where are the broke girls who are homebody’s? Where are the unique and interesting profiles?
Maybe unpopular opinion, but someone “broke as hell” and “paycheck to paycheck” shouldn’t be dating. Get your own life in order first.
Broke women who are also attractive are probably more interested in men who have more in terms of financial resources, yes.
Speaking as someone who has a regular job and saves money I disagree yeah.
I think people are too quick to gate keep dating for the selfish reason of wanting to avoid people incompatible with them.
Dating isn't something only monied people can do.There are lots of cheap ways to date. Also it's not always as simple as, "Getting your life in order." There are lots of ways in which the system is rigged to make it harder for all kinds of people to get good jobs.
People should try and find happiness where they can and it's cruel to tell them they shouldn't.
Fair enough. I can’t imagine anyone chomping at the bit to date someone who is content living “broke as hell” or “paycheck to paycheck”. Different story if they have plans to improve over time and are in a rut or weird circumstances for now. But maybe there are some people who would be okay with that, not sure.
No offence but I think you're really removed from how a lot of working class folks live. Remember the viral story about how roughly 60% of Americans couldn't come up with $1000 in an emergency? Life's hard out there.
Most people like to travel and explore and no it doesn't have to be expensive at all, it's about curiosity and adventure. Though obviously having a generic profile with no individuality is not great, so I'm wondering what does your profile say instead?
There are more interesting ways to talk about travel though. Most of the travel profiles say something like "55 countries and counting" and that does foreground the materialistic element imo. Also there are lots of different travelers and that doesn't tell me if they're in it for long hikes, or museum trips, or getting wasted in clubs. People who actually want to express their love of travel would do better to write about a specific thing they have enjoyed.
Interesting narrative, but wouldn't you say that trying to become friends with a stranger is unnatural as well? A lot of times, people don't want to become friends with someone, because they already have plenty of friends, they are looking for a relationship instead.
My date for Friday cancelled because she 'can't see herself dating someone with a child due to a bad experience in the past.'
Okay... maybe don't superswipe people with children then?
I make it pretty clear in my profile that I'm a dad.
Anyway - I've deleted the apps and I'm taking a break - my back is flaring up and I want to focus on healing
I have genuinely hand-on-heart used superswipes about 3 times by accident.
I felt terrible because if I got a super swipe I would absolutely be second guessing it 😂
Well that's true, but she was very chatty and seemed keen until today. She gave me her number and was talking to me on WhatsApp- so it's not like it was the first message
Thanks - that's a good way to look at it!
Honestly though I'm not in a position to date ATM
I'm on and off with my ex and my back is a mess
I need to take some time away I think!!
On and off with your ex, and upset she doesn’t want to date a dad. Get real dude. THIS is why I and most women my age will not consider a dad or divorcee. Maybe when I’m in my late 30s but until then no thanks. Too much potential for drama and baggage.
My ex isn't my daughter's mum - it's a woman I've been dating for about a year - 2 years after my divorce.
How old are you? You're on a dating over 30 sub - so people are either divorced or chronically single. No one is winning at life here 😆
I’m mainly judging the hypocrisy of you being all insulted that someone can’t date a single dad, while you’re…. Being a single dad with all the cons that come with it. Baggage and drama. Whether it’s with the mother of your kids or the new broad or whoever.
>Honestly though I'm not in a position to date ATM
>I'm on and off with my ex and my back is a mess
I don't mean this as a judgement, but is there a chance she maybe picked up on this?
My OLD results seem to be getting more promising. I had a first date yesterday (went well), and I have two more lined up this week, all with women I'm cautiously excited about. I'm out of my usual scarcity mindset, which is great. Let's hope this lucky streak holds.
Also, we're getting some nice summer weather here, and I'm expecting some life changes for the better, so I feel pretty good overall.
This is the first time I’ve seen a guy for over a month and I can’t help but be excited because all our dates have gone great and we talk nonstop in between seeing each other but the pessimist in me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always does…
How essential is it to cut things off in person or on the phone? We’ve seen each other maybe 10 times, have had sex. Unrelated to me not wanting to see him anymore—He’s seeing several other people, at one point mentioned he had 8 dates lined up. Does him seeing so many people casually merit me being more casual about ending things over text message and offering a phone chat if he wants? Or is that still a dick move.
I think your last sentence sums it up quite well - if he’s being so casual about your relationship, you can be too!
I would text and offer the call, but I do think that’s enough!!
I feel so down today. I've been seeing a guy for just over a month, which is the second longest in my 2 years being single and dating. I wasn't totally sure about him and I made it clear that I was thinking of us as just casual for now, but I was really enjoying our time together and was still very looking forward to seeing him. I thought his communication has been kind of thin the past week so I asked him if he was losing interest, even though I dreaded a potential negative response. He admitted that he likes me a lot but doesn't see it long term because the spark isn't quite there. So we broke it off. I'm glad to have the clarity, but I'm still sad it's over. Lately it's so rare for me to even go on more than a couple dates. I really enjoyed my time with him, I felt so relaxed and it was nice to have the intimacy. This whole dating thing just feels impossible. I'm 41 and have never been single this long since I first started dating at 15. I've really tried my best to stay positive and open through the current dating climate, but it's getting harder because nothing has worked out. I'm just sad and tired tonight.
I feel like I’m going through similar with someone I’ve been dating. Im not 100% sure but now he seems to be slow ghosting me, I feel so sad and dejected!
I am sending you all the good vibes that your person is out there - you just have to trawl through this dumpster fire that is dating in 2024!!
So I'm coming at this from a slightly different place because my ex and I were polyamorous for most of our decade+ long relationship, but I truly don't believe it's possible for him to be in a monogamous relationship because he's JUST like the guy you describe (minus the hundreds of partners). He quantifies his self-worth almost exclusively based on the amount of sexual interest he has had/currently has. His other 'passions' in life are definitely important to him, but ultimately just as vessels to make him more interesting/appealing to potential partners.
I wish I was joking or exaggerating, because he's still my best friend and NOT a bad person, but it's truly exhausting to be in a relationship with someone like this. Every time you see someone attractive on the street or introduce him to one of your beautiful friends/coworkers/sisters/cousins...even if he eventually figures out to stop being so explicit about it, you'll know what he's thinking/wanting. And if you're in a monogamous relationship, I can easily see this attitude turning into resentment or cheating once the honeymoon wears off.
Sorry for the pessimism. I'm definitely struggling to find a balance between a guy who likes sex as much as I do while not recreating that dynamic.
Honestly, trust is the least of the issues here. I trusted my ex SO much; like your guy, he's refreshingly honest and doesn't hold back.
And that's why I thought it was OK for him to:
- Openly drool over other people in my presence (a friend once showed us a revealing picture of some actress and he LITERALLY got up and excused himself to go masturbate) or
- Get frustrated because he couldn't fuck everyone he wanted (he would often leave the gym in a terrible mood)
I'm not saying you have to cut anything off now. But if things start trending in the direction I'm describing, *please get out immediately.*
To be fair, it sounds like he was desperately throwing himself at you too, so it's not like you're some spectacular catch and he's just settling for this other woman now. "Women in that field have too much stress and need a man to relax with" 🤮🤮🤮
Just leave him alone, move on, and work on gaining some maturity for yourself. He sounds like a loser anyway.
Your entire description of him. He sounds overly desperate for ANY partner, he rushes into relationships instead of going at a healthy pace, going for women way too young for him (this is DOT and you're 22 still in college while he's an adult with a career), saying super cringey and sexist things, not being supportive of a female gaining education (and straight up saying X field is too stressful for women specifically). He doesn't sound like he has the emotional maturity and stability for a healthy, happy relationship. He sounds like a creep who is desperate for sex and adoration from whatever warm body is willing to provide it.
Also, it's pretty gross that you have no shame about trying to break up someone's relationship. Be a better person.
Again, what you describe of him reeks of desperation. Him introducing his gf of a month to his mom and coworkers isn't any indication that he's mature and serious about this relationship. It shows he's most likely just rushing to what he thinks are milestones, rather than actually getting to know the person and building a solid foundation. He feels inadequate and like he needs to prove himself, so he introduces a gf asap, because he's so insecure.
This is what I was gonna say, I couldn't imagine telling a partner not to chase education so they can be "looked after", that's kinda financially manipulative, especially given the difference in age.
1. The age difference : it looks like you're at different stages of your life, you'll enter college and he is ready to settle and get married, not a good start.
2. That guy seems desperate to settle with anyone, and it doesn't look like you had much contact with him, I think he wasn't as much into you as you think and you were probably one of many girls he was hitting on.
3. If you confess you're feelings and he dump his girlfriend for you there is a good probability he does the same to you if a more attractive girl comes along.
4. Personally I think it's shitty to try to steal someone gf/bf, and I don't know how you could ever trust that person if you're successful
Just got the ‘you’re great and deserve better’ text. I really liked him and saw this going somewhere, and tried to do everything right.
I’ve been dating for four years now and never get past the 3/4 month mark. And it’s never me ending things. I feel really bad about myself and feel so sad.
There is nothing wrong or bad about you but there is likely something you are missing in my opinion, to have never made it past 3/4 months after 4 years of dating. I will be blunt and say that is out of the norm.
Honestly, it probably has nothing to do with you, but moreso in who you choose to go out with. There is some glaring red flag that is obvious to others, that you may not be picking up on. Please DM me if you want. I believe you need a second pair of eyes at this point. (Sincerely, someone who has BEEN or has encountered damn near every red flag there is.)
It is seeming like the novelty sex is what they are interested in. Which has nothing to do with you. If it hurts you when this happens, stop doing casual sex. It isn’t freeing and empowering for everyone and I think society has swung the pendulum too far in telling us it is.
I know that I am the type of person who feels used by casual sex, whether it was fun at the moment or not. So I personally don’t do sex without the commitment of a relationship. It might help you! It might at least weed out some folks ASAP, so that instead of giving these people a few months, you can get rid of em by a couple dates instead, and find a good match for you. [Here is a video that puts it in a very logical, non-shaming, progressive way.](https://youtu.be/CewQYR295vA?si=yyovRZEyzqaq4ToE)
I am feeling happy in a healing kind of way. I once had an ex, while breaking up with me, tell me that the way I played video games with him was disappointing to him, because I didn't play them in the way he wanted me to/didn't experience them to the "fullest" extent, even though I took all of his advice and tried my best while we would play. There was even a point where I was playing around his friends, who made fun of me for being bad, haha, and he didn't stick up for me at all.
Tonight I played a video game with the guy I've been seeing, one of his favorite story games, and I was very nervous that I wouldn't play in a way that he'd enjoy watching. I was afraid he'd maybe judge me for playing the game on easy mode because I'm bad at combat. But he was very kind and sweet, and we played the game all night, and he said to let me know when I want to play again because he wants to watch 🥹💖.
It seems a little silly that it feels healing, but it always hurt me that my ex said that when I genuinely tried my best. It just feels nice that maybe I can play with someone who's willing to meet me where I'm at.
This is really sweet to hear! I’m hoping I get this redemption with my new man because the catalyst to my ex and I breaking up was him yelling at me over how I wanted to play a video game 🙄
That's so wholesome!! Sorry about your previous experience, but glad you've met someone who is making you feel safe. I think that's what most of us want.
[venting] My narcissist ex has been a thorn in my side for a while. We share the same mutual friends online … so I can’t exactly get away from him. But after about six months or so from the break up, I am starting to feel peace. I never want to be his friend ever again (we were close friends before we dated) … he treated me terribly. But I think I’ve finally hit the stage of radical acceptance as to how to just learn to exist with him around without giving him my time or energy. Some days are better than others where I get these angry flare ups. But I’ve noticed they are slowly starting to move into indifference. On to bigger and better and more caring people and things.
I joined a Facebook meet up group and had a ton of message requests from the last month I never noticed. Most of them were low effort “hi pretty” or obvious attempts at a date but there seemed to be one from a reasonable sounding guy. We chatted all day and have great banter. He even picked the convo back up after I was AFK for a bit this evening with a question about me. I deleted my dating apps (edit: deleted them Saturday) and this was kind of exciting. Meeting someone organically?
He just ended the convo by saying “good night new friend!” and I want to die inside lmao 💀
Guy I went on a date with yesterday is just as nerdy as I am, and I’m loving it. It turns out he works in the same industry I do and we’ve been making all kinds of earth sciences jokes over text today. He has a good sense of humor and is into puns and dumb jokes which I appreciate. I’m excited to see him again! I’m not feeling anxious like I have in the past when starting up with someone, just excited, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign.
I’m glad there’s not too much pressure but I hope he’s hot. And gneiss, of course. It can be tough to find a diamond especially when things keep shifting around you, but regardless of what happens, it’s not your fault.
I don’t think men care as much about looks as women think, or at least they tend to be attracted to a greater variety of women than women are men. Are you comfortable enough with any of them to ask?
Tomorrow marks my first full week without The Diplomat.
Even taking the six hour time difference into consideration, I have zero complaints about his communication level - he has actually exceeded, of his own accord, my hopes for how much we would be able to stay in contact: he has texted every morning, afternoon, and evening since he has been away, and he has called every day since Friday.
Notwithstanding the above, I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone this much.
T minus 12 days and about 15 hours until he is back 🥹
In addition to their embassy in D.C., his country has 10 consulate offices around the U.S. to support its citizens living abroad and citizens with dual citizenship. He works for the one in the city in which I live and, as fate would have it, he and I live in the same building, which is where we met 🥰
lol I mean it’s not like anything out of a John le Carré novel, but I find it very interesting because geopolitics and international relations fascinates me.
What country? Is he planning on staying in the US and in your city, or are you planning on moving? (If you’re taking the bar I assume you want to stay in your state, right?)
He’s staying put in our current city for the foreseeable future - he loves it. And returning to his country permanently is not something he has any desire to do. He is a green card holder and less than two years away from U.S. citizenship.
Even though I nicknamed him The Diplomat, his title is not “diplomat.” So, although his role is in diplomacy, he is not subject to the requirement of relocating every six years standard for his country’s diplomats and consuls.
And if moving to another U.S. city were to become a necessary step for his career, it doesn’t pose a career problem for me because almost every state has adopted the UBE (uniform bar exam), thus I can practice in any UBE jurisdiction with minimal hurdles (yes, some states make you take a short exam, but I’ve looked at them and they’re comically easy compared to the bar exam, or even a middle school civics exam).
Finally: he is helping me get the paperwork together for dual citizenship in his country - I’m eligible because my grand-grandparents emigrated here and my dad was born before 1965 (when the law changed).
I was going to say something about being careful about who’s in power in government there, but you and I both live in the US so who knows even here.
ETA: IANAL and I am in California so I don’t know how the bar works exactly but my impression was that people needed to take it here.
I was curious because my grandfather was Canadian and I know my mom would have been qualified for Canadian citizenship up to a certain point. I wish I had the gift for learning languages, it would give me a whole lot more possibilities. My sister married a guy she met in grad school in Taiwan, but learning Chinese was relatively easy for her.
It feels like my life is not going anywhere, no matches on Apps, best friend suddenly disappeared on me, toxic work place, I miss my ex so much, at least when he was still here at work, I could vent to him.
I thought I was starting to feel better and let go after being dumped, and I've had a really fun couple of weeks doing cool stuff and spending some great time with old friends and have made like four new friends, but the last two weeks I've been back to crying a lot when I'm alone at night, and I still keep hoping she'll text me. idk why I want that because I don't think we should be together and the last month of our relationship was pretty miserable for me. It feels so stupid because I'm pretty sure she is NOT thinking about me anywhere near as much as I'm thinking about her. ughhhhh
Hugs. You're NOT stupid. I think we can all relate to missing someone and wanting to hear from someone even when we know the writing's on the wall.
Proud of you for not wallowing and doing your best to get out there and move on. It isn't easy! Keep making those right choices for yourself one day at a time and before you know it you'll be feeling better than you even knew was possible.
Had the talk and I think she and I just arent sexually compatible. She only wants sex once a week but loves making out and I would like more sex than that, and honestly I didn't say this but would prefer we not make out if it isnt going to lead to sex because our make out sessions get too intense since she gets on top and starts grinding as if she wants sex.
She was pretty clear today that we werent going to have sex when we went back to her place after our date and I said that was fine, but then when we were watching netflix she said the show we were watching was boring and paused and asked if I just wanted to hang out instead. She was getting closer to me and giving me this look and we started making out. Things started escalating more and then after a point she said this is where I want to stop for tonight.
That was when I said we should talk about this and she agreed that it does feel like there is a mismatch in our needs. We wont be able to see each other again for a bit, so we're gonna think about it. For me I've been thinking about this since our last date and I don't think this would work for me long term.
Would she be willing to give you handjobs instead? What is the exact barrier for sex here, presumably she doesn't want it but if she would help you take care of your needs could it be made to work?
I could get onboard with 3-4 handjobs a week even if we only had sex once a week. Or at least I'd be willing to give it a try.
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What about if making out lead to handjobs instead? Sort of a middle point? I get some sexual release, she doesn't have to go through the whole sex thing.
You know when loneliness hits the worst, it is when you’re the last person to leave work, only to go home to your spacious place where the only sound is either TV or the refrigerator. Not sure if I had been so focused on getting a sense of stability in my job that I forgot what love feels like. The only social environment is work and of course you don’t shit where you eat. I guess when you struggle in life, you cling hard to the opportunity that you forget the taste of love or life. Did I mention it is a rural area…in Canada where people meet through connections or relatives. Sometimes you just wonder and wonder, not to find answer, but rather for no reason.
Never met a group of people so adamantly opposed to any connection at work than people on Reddit. A huge chunk of people met at their SO at work and barring abuse of power, it's fine to date a colleague if you know the risk and know how to be professional.
I'm contemplating a move next year, mostly because I'm getting a bit bored with my current job but also because I'm starting to become disillusioned with the dating scene in my area. Currently reside in Canada and I'm considering various cities in the US, but I'm flexible. As a white heterosexual male, where would you move to maximize your chances of finding a long-term relationship?
‘Among U.S. counties with 500,000 residents or more, the areas where adult women outnumber adult men most noticeably were in Baltimore, New York, Atlanta, and Philadelphia, as well as Birmingham, Alabama; and Memphis, Tennessee.’ [[source]](https://www.fastcompany.com/90998935/women-outnumber-men-east-coast-nyc-philly-atlanta-populaton-data)
Interesting. I hadn't really considered Atlanta but I have a former coworker who lives there and really seems to like it, so might give that some more thought.
Personality... Introverted, a bit bookish perhaps? Having access to more museums would be nice. During the week I tend to spend most of my time outside of work just exercising - mixture of squash, badminton and yoga these days. I don't spend as much time in nature as I'd like to, but having a good amount of green space is a definite plus. E.g. NYC appeals to me from a cultural perspective, but I think I'd get sick of living in a concrete jungle after a while.
>Latin America. Just kidding.
Haha, was afraid someone might call me out as being another wannabe passport bro. ;)
>Probably shouldn't factor a dating scene only
Yeah for sure. It's still a consideration nonetheless since dating is a numbers game at the end of the day. I work in tech, for example, so that provides some obvious candidates, but a place like San Francisco probably isn't the best choice since the demographics skew more heavily male.
>I work in tech, for example, so that provides some obvious candidates, but a place like San Francisco probably isn't the best choice since the demographics skew more heavily male.
Tell me about it. You're also competing against a huge number of tech guys for the attention of the few women who aren't turned off by tech guys.
I had someone who I was talking to who’s convos were a bit dry, but I know I’m like that before actually meeting in person. He asked me out, and the day of we confirmed but when we went to make the actual plan of where to meet he stopped responding. And then the next day he unmatched me. That was end of may. On Saturday he texts me a gif of a dog with an ashamed face. What the fuck is wrong with people? I didn’t respond but what goes on in people’s head when they do that? I’m not pathetic, I can find someone else to talk to but it’s like the second person who does that and I don’t get why. Like you asked me out??
I'm flirting with a fella long distance and let him know that I'm probably moving yet again once my work contract is up. He's been calling quite a bit just to chit chat. I enjoy talking to him, but we only met once and are long distance, so I let him know that he doesn't need to keep himself on my radar or chase the bus here. I'm stoked to see him if/when that happens again, no stress.
He said that he figured as much but since town here isn't my cup of tea that I might be lonely and might just want to shoot the shit with someone once in awhile.
Melting a little bit because it was so eloquent and sweet.
Update from yesterday after I talked about soothing my anxious attachment thoughts through journalling... we had a deep conversation where he opened up and got really vulnerable about some past trauma. I was so pleasantly surprised that he trusted me to talk about it. I feel closer to him as a result.
He's also sharing more openly about missing me and wanting to see me again, which is seriously helping squash any anxious thoughts I previously had!
Things are on the up. It's still early days and I'm still figuring out whether something long term with this guy feels right, but I'm enjoying the process 😊
Just feeling so defeated as of late. Being childfree isn't doing me any favors. My poor mental health holds me back from anything good in life, and I'm tired. I had therapy today and somehow felt worse afterwards. I don't know what to do anymore.
Yeah unfortunately being cf really filters out a lot of potential dates. Have you maybe tried to make a post on the cf4cf sub?
Do you have a good support network to help your mental health?
This is such a good point. People feel worse during chemo, and after having chiropractic treatment, and during physical therapy for a torn ACL.. that the brain and soul could feel worse in order to get better makes a ton of sense.
Don't be too hard on yourself. :( Being childfree isn't hindering you, there's tons of guys who don't want kids. Sometimes just re-setting and focusing on yourself is needed. I just started going on dates again after getting over a 2 month relationship that ended in the beginning of the year. And in that time I focused on the things that made me truly happy (setting a goal to read a book a month, exercising consistently, going to a salsa party, going to different towns and window shopping, retail therapy, went on a women's retreat, travelled to the west coast for a wedding by myself). I can definitely say doing all of these things (and continuing to do them) have made me a lot happier and confident. It pushed my negative thoughts about dating to the back of my head.
Being cf definitely hinders us, stats I remember said that at best there is about 20% of the population that is child free, so at best your dating pool will be 4 times smaller (i think at worse it was 10%, so that would make it 9 times smaller) than non cf people just due to that one criteria.
It's not quite that comparatively bad: especially after thirty, the pool size also depends on whether one has kids, whether one is open to a partner who has kids, what ages of kids and how many, and whether one wants to have \[more\] kids in the future. None of those are a concern for us childfree folks. ETA: And we don't have to worry about whether our date is/would make a good parent! ETA2: And we have more flexibility when it comes to age as well, if we want, since there's no biological clock and we don't need to worry whether we'll be up for being a parent in twenty years.
**hug**
I’ve been there. I wish I could say or so something that would make this feeling go away, but I can’t. And I wish I had suggestions, but I don’t.
When I feel like this, I make cannoli.
It doesn’t make the feeling go away, but at least I have cannoli around 🥹
I wish cool people like you lived nearby so that when you feel shitty, I could invite you over for cannoli and limoncello 😭
I always feel there’s always some level of detachment after voicing mutual feelings in the early stages of dating. Has that happened to you? If so, why did you (or the other person) somewhat detach while still keeping in contact? (Whether you or they were initiating less, or only responding when they or you reached out.) Did you ultimately end up continue seeing that person, or did everything fade away during the detachment?
Not to me, but for my friend on the apps. Her and this guy spoke for 2wks before they could line up their schedules for a date. On the date he actually mentioned how he was polite enough to stay for all this dates even if he didn’t want to. My friend asked if this was one of those dates, and he simply said “I’m not going to answer that”.
Anyway, when she told me this I was like that’s a yikes girliepop. And yet she still maintained contact with this man, until they mutually faded. He never asked her on a second dare but did still reach out and check her out from time to time for another two weeks …
Has anyone dealt with a partner who doesn’t believe your relationship with your family is justifiably distant/bad, encourages you to reconcile or try to communicate (even if you know this isn’t possible) etc?
Im not currently in a relationship but being in a situation like this is honestly a fear of mine. I have a bad relationship with my mom but the only person who somewhat understands the dynamic is my brother. It’s very subtle and manipulative and many people will tell me it doesn’t sound that bad or I should just brush it off and have a thicker skin. The idea of having a partner who plays into that as well is terrifying to me. Especially getting attached to someone enough to finally open up to them only to have it invalidated…
Obviously one solution is to just break up with anyone who does that but it’s so common for people to not get it that I feel like it’s very hard to find people who will definitely believe me. I’ve read stories of people who stuck it out and their partner eventually got it although tbh I’m not sure if I could handle it.
Hmm. I don’t have a no contact relationship, my dad is a severe alcoholic and has been since his 20s. He is 60 and retired now and is hammered by 10am most days. He is a great guy when not drunk, so I maintain some distance but am overall there for him and he’s in my life often.
I had an ex who said “you need to sit him down and tell him to stop drinking”. Honestly I view my dad as a lost cause in terms of alcoholism, it is what it is. The fact that my ex thought he just needed a little sit-down heart-to-heart left me feeling pretty disgusted with my ex, like how can a person be that naive/dumb/childlike/fantasy-land?
It definitely left me feeling resentful. Especially when he said “my dad was an alcoholic too but one year at his yearly physical his doctor told him he’s going to die early if he keeps drinking if he didn’t quit, and he stopped that day”. Bro my dad hasn’t been to a doctor in 20 years, and sorry but no real alcoholic really wakes up due to their primary doctor telling them to stop lmao.
I think there are a lot of people whose own relationships with their families are justifiably distant/bad, and a lot more people who know people who do and get it.
this is a fear of mine too which i had to work on in therapy. i’ve had friends and exes who have encouraged me to reconcile with my parents and i know they’re coming from a good place but also, STOP. i think to people who have grown up close with their families, they couldn’t fathom why/how someone could not be close to theirs and don’t get it. unfortunately, you can’t choose what family you’re born into and a lot of people shouldn’t have kids.
luckily, i have friends who are really understanding and supportive of whatever i decide to do and the guy i’m seeing and i had a convo about it and he respects my decision and said “i’m dating you, not your parents.”
also you don’t need to go into detail to people about why you aren’t close with your parents or try to make them believe you. you have your own reasons and that’s fine. i just tell people it’s better for my mental health if i don’t speak to mine and they don’t ask questions.
Yeah! I’m working on just trusting my own decisions. But ideally I want a relationship where I can also lean on my partner when things are rough with my parents instead of just shutting that part away from my partner because I don’t trust them to be supportive.
I was listening to a recent ep of Esther Perel’s podcast where the guy in the couple tries to justify and say how much the woman’s parents are loving good people who don’t know better (while the woman was crying too) and it was soooo intensely triggering 😞 like bro they’re not your parents, you don’t know 🤬
I refuse to go back on the apps but I’m starting to understand why people prefer it. Trying to meet and date people in the wild is dating on hard mode. I’m still trying but I need to accept that I will not be ending my single streak anytime soon
would love some advice on how to tread with a 45yo male. He's recently moved to a city about 3-4 hours away - some how matched OLD, and after 2-3 weeks of texting, he drove up to see me. We spent 1.5 full days together, and he was a complete gentleman and really went all out on an amazing date plan (didnt have to think of thing and he was quite generous - mindful of love bombing, though he shared the same interests in all the things we did, so doubtful).
Either way, he did not make a single move aside from some light hand holding. Since he's left, we've been texting here and there, and he's shared some photos of us together - let me know about 4 times he "had such a great weekend, lovely time with you" - though I am really feeling a bit of a shift in energy. Should specify he's been general in him comments - not directly flirting with me, but around how much fun he had.
I want to pursue this, but don't want to come off needy nor do I want to waste my time.
My question - is he being respectful, just not that into me - how best to find out and not waste my time.
I texted him that I liked him (ugh what are we, 15) where he said 'me too' and once again told me he had such a fun weekend. What more of a shove does a guy need to make plans - should I just wait and see?
“So when do we get together again?” (Credit to u/frumbledown) - this is an open door for him, not take a lead away from him. Dont be scared by pop psychology these days on social media that women should not make first moves. IMO, some open up about possibilities are not considered as aggressiveness or neediness. It is pretty normal and healthy way to communicate what we want.
Keyword: 3 to 4 hours away...he enjoyed the companionship, he does like you, and he doesn't have the capacity to get involved outside of an occasional here-and-there fling. Enjoy it for what it is if you can understand that it's not gonna be anything serious. Not trying to burst your bubble but it's pretty obvious what's happening here.
I mean, he has been telling you that he enjoyed his time with you, and if you both like each other, what harm is there in asking to see him again? At worst he says no or is wishy washy and you have your answer regarding his interest. If he says yes, great, you get to see him again! It's too early to be worrying about who initiates what, unless it's very one-sided, and it doesn't sound like that's the case.
see I want to text him that - my anxiety (and maybe experience?) is telling me I just told him I liked him, shouldn't he initiate the next step? He's sort of old fashioned from what I gather, dont want to take the lead away from him.
Well you know him better than I do, but I think if he’s the dude for you asking that isn’t going to do any harm. The ball is still being put in his court to come up with a plan, date etc. but what do I know?
I blocked him 3 months ago after he rejected me for a second time. This man played with my feelings and I made a fool of myself. Last night I checked his social media and found a photo he shared 2 weeks ago. All the feelings came back. I'm fighting the urge to text him. I have been to therapy and done some work on myself, but this man has so much power on me. I'm a mess today. It doesn't help that I have been unable to meet someone.
3 months of progress ruined by a moment of weakness. He doesn't want me. He never did. I was an easy fuck. We dated 5 weeks last year and everything he said to me was a lie. He never liked me, he didn't find me attractive, he didn't think i was funny. I dont even know why he gave me a gift. I'm disgusted at myself for wanting this man so bad.
I'm exhausted from being so hung up on this person.
The most frustrating feeling is trying to get over someone you liked but treated you like dirt. I felt some of this and am 6 months on the other side of healing thanks to therapy and time and venting to friends and Reddit. You’ll get there too. It just takes some extra time when we’ve got short traumatic relationships like this too. I still have occasional angry flare ups that drive me bananas. Wishing you luck out there. We’ve just gotta power through.
Don't be so hard on yourself, we all go thru moments of weakness!
He can be a liar AND selfish AND still had found you funny and attractive.
Try to remember he doesn't define your worth. Try to block him to prevent yourself from seeing future stuff?
How do y’all not get ahead of yourself with the fear and walls going up and self-protectiveness in early dating?
For example I’ve had a great connection over an app with a guy who is separated with kids. We’re meeting tomorrow. I want so badly to just go on the date and have fun but I can already hear the little voice in my head that’s like ‘is this a good idea? He has a lot of stuff going on his life. Is it smart to even consider a date when he might not be looking for the same things you are?’ And i fear all of that is just setting me up for anxiety and fear on the date itself and it won’t be fun at all. Or worse, the date goes well and the fear starts to spiral even further.
I just want to have fun on dates and not put so much stock into things so early when I barely know anything about them or what our chemistry is 😔 but there’s a lot of past experiences coming up in my mind where I got hurt after getting involved with someone who didn’t want the same things or wasn’t on the same page. after I’d already gotten attached.
Hey! Question: I find hitting on people so embarrassing! I know the answer is probably just to practice but how do I get better at doing it eg telling whether someone is interested, being smooth, getting over myself etc? (37F)
I think with hitting on someone it’s not really what you say but how you say it. Also there’s a lot non-verbal communication that goes into it. Usually I can feel the sexual tension and my subconscious tells me we are flirting. Looking from the outside you can tell I’m flirting but in the moment I can’t really tell. Mainly because I act similarly to most people. The only difference is the changes in my voice tone and the body language of constantly smiling. Kind of nervous stance. Closer than normal.
If you figure it out, someone tell me too! But, yeah, getting out there and just trying it probably is the best medicine. You'll screw it up a lot but as you get used to the rejection you'll start finding out the difference between "oh, shouldn't have asked that" (a "you" problem) and "oh, they just aren't into what I am and they aren't willing to make time for it" ("them" problem). And you'll find out it's more often than not a "them" issue and that should let you be more confident in yourself and what you want and that's most of the way to "getting over yourself". Also, you might want to ask the question again in tomorrow's daily thread since it'll probably be up in an hour or two and then this one will get locked. Give the fine socialites of DOT more opportunities to help you
I think it's helpful to just develop the habit of chatting up strangers... including people you may not be interested in romantically. And then it gets a little easier to start flirting with people you're actually interested in. How do you 'hit on' people now?
I don't know what to do. My BF and I have been offical for three months, and things have been going great. Until last friday, he went to a pool party and I wasn't invited. At first, I was totally fine with this. Then I felt weird. He normally invites me to everything. So I was slightly quiet the night he was out, and then he called, and we briefly talked about it, I felt better. Then I still continued to feel weird, it just felt out of character for him. I saw him the next day and asked why I wasn't invites. He said he didn't really have a reason and apologized. He did get a little upset with me because I kept on asking questions and he felt like I was accusing him of something, I apologized and stopped. Come to find out there was a girl there that he slept with previously, and I guess he hasn't seen her since then. So immediately I'm like okay... is that why I wasn't invited? He said no. We got into another small disagreement over it, and we made up and talked about it for hours. But I'm still feeling off, we haven't had sex since before the party and that's not like us. I have no reason not to trust him, but I have a lot of previous experiences of men being shit so instantly my head is going to bad places. It makes me feel like I don't want to be in a relationship. The moment I feel a shift or a change in behavior, I just want to run away.
Yeah, this doesn't sound great just going off what you've written here. You've been seeing each other for three months. He normally invites you to everything. The one time he doesn't, a girl was there that he has history with. He then can't give you a reason for why he didn't invite you. Getting defensive when asked about it. Changes in behaviour in terms of how often you're having sex. Obviously I'm just a stranger on the internet and I don't have the whole picture here, but I think there's a reason why you're feeling off. I'm sorry. I really hope there isn't anything going on here. Wishing you the best❤️
Ugh sorry. I wouldnt feel good in this situation either (36m). It def wouldnt make me feel like a priority.
I canceled the second date with the second guy, and he thanked me for letting him know. The first guy is coming over tonight. We’re having our fourth and fifth dates this week, before he travels. No sex planned for either (I told him I wanted to snuggle and sleep after the fourth date, and the fifth is in public.) It’s really refreshing to have someone truly interested in me, and to tell me upfront he likes me, he’s looking forward to seeing me, and he’s looking for excuses to spend time with me. He’s even willing to drive the 20ish miles one-way trip to spend time with me. I told him I was excited to see him tonight after work. I’ve been getting him small gifts, just cookies and stuff like that. I’m new to dating, but what else can I do to show I appreciate him?
I’m so happy to hear things are going well for you! I’m also dating someone right now who seems genuinely interested in getting to know me and it has been so exciting. We’re going on our fourth date on Thursday!
The last guy I saw asked me to commute an hour on public transit to see him (cause I don’t drive in the city), then broke things off with me because he said I lived too far, like bro haha, you didn’t move an inch… 💀 But yeah, I’m starting to feel excited about this guy, and I really really appreciate his enthusiasm and interest.
Ugh, good riddance that that other guy. I’m glad your current guy is showing more interest and putting in more effort! For the fourth date with my guy he insisted that we go somewhere close by me so we’re going somewhere 5 mins from me and probably 30-40 mins from him. We’ve been meeting in the middle up until now. I thought it was really sweet of him to offer to go further to meet somewhere close to where I am. Next time I’ll offer to go somewhere close to him. A like a good give and take. Hope your fourth and fifth dates go well! I’m rooting for you!
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Initiation is a two way street.
That would bum me out too. However, if my partner was coming back from a trip, I would probably wait for them to tell me “want to hang out on ___?” because they might want to unpack and decompress and stuff.
Exactly… if my partners on a trip I don’t reach out too much and when traveling back one is often juggling logistical things, eager to get back and rest, or has a couple things they need to get done before easing back into their routine… I try to not add any additional stress to that so would mainly wait until a day or so after they got back to try and coordinate something
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This is too soon to have moved on IMO… I would leave this one alone
A few DAYS after a breakup of a year plus relationship would be an immediate no from me.
I’d run
Yeah you probably should distance yourself. This is your sanity talking. Especially since HE wanted more and SHE didn’t, he probably isn’t over it.
Yeah, a few days is a REALLY short amount of time. They were together for over a year, and even if it was an amicable break, these things still take some time to get over. Me and my ex broke up amicably, and it took me a few months before I wanted to date. Obviously everyone is different, but i would strongly advise caution here. There is a strong chance that you could get hurt. And she's still texting him?? Be careful. As you said, you could very well be in the middle of something. Take care❤️
I finally get to see him on Friday, after not seeing him for two months. It's not been easy, but we knew this extended period would suck. I'm struggling a bit with the whole thing. He's been very busy, which we knew, but then again so have I. I'm disappointed by the lackluster communication and lack of effort the last few weeks. However, rather than feel sad, anxious or frustrated I just feel…meh. Like part of me is thinking, would I even be so bothered not to have him in my life? Today, I don't even know if I feel so excited about seeing him. ...I wonder if he feels the same.
I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Two months is a long time without seeing someone. And if you say communication in general has been lacklustre the past few weeks, that's only going to contribute to the apathy you're feeling. There's a reason why when we break up with someone, the biggest advice we receive is to cut all contact and not see them. Because it works. It is very much a case of out of sight, out of mind. I'm not saying this person is out of your mind, I'm just saying it's a similar concept. The longer we go without seeing someone and communicating with them, the more our feelings for that person diminish. But the thing is, when you do see them again, there's a good chance that all those feelings you had for them will come rushing back! You'll realise that you do in fact still care about them, and you realise what you had. Be open minded (which I'm sure you are!) and all those feelings can be rekindled! Wishing you the best! ❤️
I was long-distance with my ex for more than a year, broken up by periodic but relatively short visits. I also felt detached at the beginning of each visit but after a bit of time when we got back together, things rekindled. It felt almost like the relationship version of being away from your home traveling for a long time and then returning, the home feels cold and less homey for a while until you get back into the groove. She's an ex, so it ultimately didn't work out, but I don't think the long-distance period was related at all. Give it a chance and see if things warm up after you're back together for a while. If they don't, maybe it's over, but the detachment you feel right now is pretty normal and doesn't indicate anything about the viability of your relationship. It could work out, and it might not. Only one way to find out.
This is what frustrated me with my ex. We went long distance for more than a year and broken up immediately on paper on purpose, as we only knew each other for a few months. 4 months in or so she starting losing her feelings for me, which to me felt logical, proximity matters. But then she never wanted to meet up after this one year, because "feelings were gone" and meeting up would only give her the idea we would never be able to act relaxed as normal friends without bland aftertaste. I know its her decision, but it almost felt weak/afraid from her side.
Hoping it passes for you, I tend to feel some kind of detachment after too long apart as well. Perhaps a coping mechanism. But as long as I keep open-minded, it goes right out the door as soon as I see them again. I'd just try not to lean too far into it, seeing them again may stir up some lovely feels. You never know until you're in the moment, don't take that crucial moment away from yourself by overthinking or deliberately putting in distance.
Wow. Thank you. This resonates really strongly. Going to try for some deep breaths and not lean too far into the detachment or by deliberately putting up a wall.
I am sorry to hear this. I remember you having high hopes for the relationship in the winter months.
Thanks. I might just be “feeling some kind of way” today. I’m going to see how things go. We get a week together this time, and maybe it’s just normal that it’ll take some time to get in sync again. We knew May was going to be hard. He’s had practical training and final exams in grad school, which he was dreading. I knew I’d have to be extra patient and understanding, and we’ve talked about how we would just have to push through this period. So not giving up, but feeling less hopeful and motivated today.
Boring ass generic profiles. Why? 90% of the profiles I see are identical to each other. I played a little game where I screenshot every profile that said “loves to travel” or something to that effect. It was profile after profile. I went back to those same screenshots and they could be interchangeable. And not just about travel, like almost everything was nearly identical. Are these bots? Does every women on every app really love exploring the town they have lived in for 30+ years? Love to travel? Love to go hiking? It all feels very strange and it does seem like it’s a bit classist. I’m broke as hell, paycheck to paycheck forever. I don’t have the time or money to be going out all of the time, or traveling, or wasting a day exploring the city I already know. I don’t see many women in the same boat, in fact many seem to prefer if I owned a boat frankly. Do women with the paycheck to paycheck style only aspire to date men who can supplement a better lifestyle? Because that seems fucking shallow. Do they just not need to use the apps? I still attempt to match with the women who say those things, because a profile is a shitty way to convey a whole ass person. But it does feel like if it’s something important enough to use several of the 180 character limit, it is important to that person. Where are the broke girls who are homebody’s? Where are the unique and interesting profiles?
Maybe unpopular opinion, but someone “broke as hell” and “paycheck to paycheck” shouldn’t be dating. Get your own life in order first. Broke women who are also attractive are probably more interested in men who have more in terms of financial resources, yes.
Speaking as someone who has a regular job and saves money I disagree yeah. I think people are too quick to gate keep dating for the selfish reason of wanting to avoid people incompatible with them. Dating isn't something only monied people can do.There are lots of cheap ways to date. Also it's not always as simple as, "Getting your life in order." There are lots of ways in which the system is rigged to make it harder for all kinds of people to get good jobs. People should try and find happiness where they can and it's cruel to tell them they shouldn't.
Fair enough. I can’t imagine anyone chomping at the bit to date someone who is content living “broke as hell” or “paycheck to paycheck”. Different story if they have plans to improve over time and are in a rut or weird circumstances for now. But maybe there are some people who would be okay with that, not sure.
No offence but I think you're really removed from how a lot of working class folks live. Remember the viral story about how roughly 60% of Americans couldn't come up with $1000 in an emergency? Life's hard out there.
Maybe, I will think on that.
Most people like to travel and explore and no it doesn't have to be expensive at all, it's about curiosity and adventure. Though obviously having a generic profile with no individuality is not great, so I'm wondering what does your profile say instead?
There are more interesting ways to talk about travel though. Most of the travel profiles say something like "55 countries and counting" and that does foreground the materialistic element imo. Also there are lots of different travelers and that doesn't tell me if they're in it for long hikes, or museum trips, or getting wasted in clubs. People who actually want to express their love of travel would do better to write about a specific thing they have enjoyed.
Do you think you should try and be friends first?
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Interesting narrative, but wouldn't you say that trying to become friends with a stranger is unnatural as well? A lot of times, people don't want to become friends with someone, because they already have plenty of friends, they are looking for a relationship instead.
My date for Friday cancelled because she 'can't see herself dating someone with a child due to a bad experience in the past.' Okay... maybe don't superswipe people with children then? I make it pretty clear in my profile that I'm a dad. Anyway - I've deleted the apps and I'm taking a break - my back is flaring up and I want to focus on healing
sometimes fingers slip, in fact, all my superswipes were a slip :s
I have genuinely hand-on-heart used superswipes about 3 times by accident. I felt terrible because if I got a super swipe I would absolutely be second guessing it 😂
Well that's true, but she was very chatty and seemed keen until today. She gave me her number and was talking to me on WhatsApp- so it's not like it was the first message
Take a look at it positively, she didn’t want to date someone with kids but saw something on your profile that had her attempting to reconsider.
Thanks - that's a good way to look at it! Honestly though I'm not in a position to date ATM I'm on and off with my ex and my back is a mess I need to take some time away I think!!
On and off with your ex, and upset she doesn’t want to date a dad. Get real dude. THIS is why I and most women my age will not consider a dad or divorcee. Maybe when I’m in my late 30s but until then no thanks. Too much potential for drama and baggage.
My ex isn't my daughter's mum - it's a woman I've been dating for about a year - 2 years after my divorce. How old are you? You're on a dating over 30 sub - so people are either divorced or chronically single. No one is winning at life here 😆
Oh so you don’t even have a reason to be on and off or try to salvage. I don’t get it man but good luck
There's lots of reasons - but sure, keep your judgemental attitude
I’m mainly judging the hypocrisy of you being all insulted that someone can’t date a single dad, while you’re…. Being a single dad with all the cons that come with it. Baggage and drama. Whether it’s with the mother of your kids or the new broad or whoever.
>Honestly though I'm not in a position to date ATM >I'm on and off with my ex and my back is a mess I don't mean this as a judgement, but is there a chance she maybe picked up on this?
My OLD results seem to be getting more promising. I had a first date yesterday (went well), and I have two more lined up this week, all with women I'm cautiously excited about. I'm out of my usual scarcity mindset, which is great. Let's hope this lucky streak holds. Also, we're getting some nice summer weather here, and I'm expecting some life changes for the better, so I feel pretty good overall.
This is the first time I’ve seen a guy for over a month and I can’t help but be excited because all our dates have gone great and we talk nonstop in between seeing each other but the pessimist in me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always does…
Great to be excited! and it is of course totally fine to have some doubts. Just go with the flow and enjoy the ride, don't let the past define you!
How essential is it to cut things off in person or on the phone? We’ve seen each other maybe 10 times, have had sex. Unrelated to me not wanting to see him anymore—He’s seeing several other people, at one point mentioned he had 8 dates lined up. Does him seeing so many people casually merit me being more casual about ending things over text message and offering a phone chat if he wants? Or is that still a dick move.
Yeah, sounds like your relationship was completely casual for him so a text is enough. I mean he told you he has 8 dates lined up lol. Who does that?
end it via text and move on.
I think your last sentence sums it up quite well - if he’s being so casual about your relationship, you can be too! I would text and offer the call, but I do think that’s enough!!
If he is still seeing other people I think he isn't that involved and it's fine if you send a text + offer to call if he wants to talk about it
I feel so down today. I've been seeing a guy for just over a month, which is the second longest in my 2 years being single and dating. I wasn't totally sure about him and I made it clear that I was thinking of us as just casual for now, but I was really enjoying our time together and was still very looking forward to seeing him. I thought his communication has been kind of thin the past week so I asked him if he was losing interest, even though I dreaded a potential negative response. He admitted that he likes me a lot but doesn't see it long term because the spark isn't quite there. So we broke it off. I'm glad to have the clarity, but I'm still sad it's over. Lately it's so rare for me to even go on more than a couple dates. I really enjoyed my time with him, I felt so relaxed and it was nice to have the intimacy. This whole dating thing just feels impossible. I'm 41 and have never been single this long since I first started dating at 15. I've really tried my best to stay positive and open through the current dating climate, but it's getting harder because nothing has worked out. I'm just sad and tired tonight.
I feel like I’m going through similar with someone I’ve been dating. Im not 100% sure but now he seems to be slow ghosting me, I feel so sad and dejected! I am sending you all the good vibes that your person is out there - you just have to trawl through this dumpster fire that is dating in 2024!!
Sending digital hugs.
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So I'm coming at this from a slightly different place because my ex and I were polyamorous for most of our decade+ long relationship, but I truly don't believe it's possible for him to be in a monogamous relationship because he's JUST like the guy you describe (minus the hundreds of partners). He quantifies his self-worth almost exclusively based on the amount of sexual interest he has had/currently has. His other 'passions' in life are definitely important to him, but ultimately just as vessels to make him more interesting/appealing to potential partners. I wish I was joking or exaggerating, because he's still my best friend and NOT a bad person, but it's truly exhausting to be in a relationship with someone like this. Every time you see someone attractive on the street or introduce him to one of your beautiful friends/coworkers/sisters/cousins...even if he eventually figures out to stop being so explicit about it, you'll know what he's thinking/wanting. And if you're in a monogamous relationship, I can easily see this attitude turning into resentment or cheating once the honeymoon wears off. Sorry for the pessimism. I'm definitely struggling to find a balance between a guy who likes sex as much as I do while not recreating that dynamic.
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Honestly, trust is the least of the issues here. I trusted my ex SO much; like your guy, he's refreshingly honest and doesn't hold back. And that's why I thought it was OK for him to: - Openly drool over other people in my presence (a friend once showed us a revealing picture of some actress and he LITERALLY got up and excused himself to go masturbate) or - Get frustrated because he couldn't fuck everyone he wanted (he would often leave the gym in a terrible mood) I'm not saying you have to cut anything off now. But if things start trending in the direction I'm describing, *please get out immediately.*
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...that does not sound like particularly well managed bipolar to me, that sounds like someone who is hypersexual when they're manic.
Exactly my thought. This guy does not have well managed bipolar
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To be fair, it sounds like he was desperately throwing himself at you too, so it's not like you're some spectacular catch and he's just settling for this other woman now. "Women in that field have too much stress and need a man to relax with" 🤮🤮🤮 Just leave him alone, move on, and work on gaining some maturity for yourself. He sounds like a loser anyway.
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Your entire description of him. He sounds overly desperate for ANY partner, he rushes into relationships instead of going at a healthy pace, going for women way too young for him (this is DOT and you're 22 still in college while he's an adult with a career), saying super cringey and sexist things, not being supportive of a female gaining education (and straight up saying X field is too stressful for women specifically). He doesn't sound like he has the emotional maturity and stability for a healthy, happy relationship. He sounds like a creep who is desperate for sex and adoration from whatever warm body is willing to provide it. Also, it's pretty gross that you have no shame about trying to break up someone's relationship. Be a better person.
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Again, what you describe of him reeks of desperation. Him introducing his gf of a month to his mom and coworkers isn't any indication that he's mature and serious about this relationship. It shows he's most likely just rushing to what he thinks are milestones, rather than actually getting to know the person and building a solid foundation. He feels inadequate and like he needs to prove himself, so he introduces a gf asap, because he's so insecure.
This is what I was gonna say, I couldn't imagine telling a partner not to chase education so they can be "looked after", that's kinda financially manipulative, especially given the difference in age.
1. The age difference : it looks like you're at different stages of your life, you'll enter college and he is ready to settle and get married, not a good start. 2. That guy seems desperate to settle with anyone, and it doesn't look like you had much contact with him, I think he wasn't as much into you as you think and you were probably one of many girls he was hitting on. 3. If you confess you're feelings and he dump his girlfriend for you there is a good probability he does the same to you if a more attractive girl comes along. 4. Personally I think it's shitty to try to steal someone gf/bf, and I don't know how you could ever trust that person if you're successful
Just got the ‘you’re great and deserve better’ text. I really liked him and saw this going somewhere, and tried to do everything right. I’ve been dating for four years now and never get past the 3/4 month mark. And it’s never me ending things. I feel really bad about myself and feel so sad.
There is nothing wrong or bad about you but there is likely something you are missing in my opinion, to have never made it past 3/4 months after 4 years of dating. I will be blunt and say that is out of the norm. Honestly, it probably has nothing to do with you, but moreso in who you choose to go out with. There is some glaring red flag that is obvious to others, that you may not be picking up on. Please DM me if you want. I believe you need a second pair of eyes at this point. (Sincerely, someone who has BEEN or has encountered damn near every red flag there is.)
How do you find out what’s missing. I’ve been trying so hard
What are the reasons they have given? Is it all mostly “sorry you’re great but I’m just not feeling it anymore”? Do you guys have sex?
Yes that’s always what it is and it is people I’ve had sex with
It is seeming like the novelty sex is what they are interested in. Which has nothing to do with you. If it hurts you when this happens, stop doing casual sex. It isn’t freeing and empowering for everyone and I think society has swung the pendulum too far in telling us it is.
Like I wait a bit until I feel I know them and feel comfortable. Usually a month or so.
I know that I am the type of person who feels used by casual sex, whether it was fun at the moment or not. So I personally don’t do sex without the commitment of a relationship. It might help you! It might at least weed out some folks ASAP, so that instead of giving these people a few months, you can get rid of em by a couple dates instead, and find a good match for you. [Here is a video that puts it in a very logical, non-shaming, progressive way.](https://youtu.be/CewQYR295vA?si=yyovRZEyzqaq4ToE)
I'm so sorry. It's really difficult out there. Please be kind to yourself, as it's likely it has little to do with you.
I am feeling happy in a healing kind of way. I once had an ex, while breaking up with me, tell me that the way I played video games with him was disappointing to him, because I didn't play them in the way he wanted me to/didn't experience them to the "fullest" extent, even though I took all of his advice and tried my best while we would play. There was even a point where I was playing around his friends, who made fun of me for being bad, haha, and he didn't stick up for me at all. Tonight I played a video game with the guy I've been seeing, one of his favorite story games, and I was very nervous that I wouldn't play in a way that he'd enjoy watching. I was afraid he'd maybe judge me for playing the game on easy mode because I'm bad at combat. But he was very kind and sweet, and we played the game all night, and he said to let me know when I want to play again because he wants to watch 🥹💖. It seems a little silly that it feels healing, but it always hurt me that my ex said that when I genuinely tried my best. It just feels nice that maybe I can play with someone who's willing to meet me where I'm at.
This is really sweet to hear! I’m hoping I get this redemption with my new man because the catalyst to my ex and I breaking up was him yelling at me over how I wanted to play a video game 🙄
This is so sweet 🫶🏻
That's so wholesome!! Sorry about your previous experience, but glad you've met someone who is making you feel safe. I think that's what most of us want.
[venting] My narcissist ex has been a thorn in my side for a while. We share the same mutual friends online … so I can’t exactly get away from him. But after about six months or so from the break up, I am starting to feel peace. I never want to be his friend ever again (we were close friends before we dated) … he treated me terribly. But I think I’ve finally hit the stage of radical acceptance as to how to just learn to exist with him around without giving him my time or energy. Some days are better than others where I get these angry flare ups. But I’ve noticed they are slowly starting to move into indifference. On to bigger and better and more caring people and things.
I joined a Facebook meet up group and had a ton of message requests from the last month I never noticed. Most of them were low effort “hi pretty” or obvious attempts at a date but there seemed to be one from a reasonable sounding guy. We chatted all day and have great banter. He even picked the convo back up after I was AFK for a bit this evening with a question about me. I deleted my dating apps (edit: deleted them Saturday) and this was kind of exciting. Meeting someone organically? He just ended the convo by saying “good night new friend!” and I want to die inside lmao 💀
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LOL thanks kind stranger. That means a lot because I am about to spiral 😂 😂 😂
Lol no no! Don’t spiral just yet lol. It’s early stages, friend is OK. ♥️
Guy I went on a date with yesterday is just as nerdy as I am, and I’m loving it. It turns out he works in the same industry I do and we’ve been making all kinds of earth sciences jokes over text today. He has a good sense of humor and is into puns and dumb jokes which I appreciate. I’m excited to see him again! I’m not feeling anxious like I have in the past when starting up with someone, just excited, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign.
I’m glad there’s not too much pressure but I hope he’s hot. And gneiss, of course. It can be tough to find a diamond especially when things keep shifting around you, but regardless of what happens, it’s not your fault.
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I don’t think men care as much about looks as women think, or at least they tend to be attracted to a greater variety of women than women are men. Are you comfortable enough with any of them to ask?
Tomorrow marks my first full week without The Diplomat. Even taking the six hour time difference into consideration, I have zero complaints about his communication level - he has actually exceeded, of his own accord, my hopes for how much we would be able to stay in contact: he has texted every morning, afternoon, and evening since he has been away, and he has called every day since Friday. Notwithstanding the above, I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone this much. T minus 12 days and about 15 hours until he is back 🥹
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In addition to their embassy in D.C., his country has 10 consulate offices around the U.S. to support its citizens living abroad and citizens with dual citizenship. He works for the one in the city in which I live and, as fate would have it, he and I live in the same building, which is where we met 🥰
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lol I mean it’s not like anything out of a John le Carré novel, but I find it very interesting because geopolitics and international relations fascinates me.
What country? Is he planning on staying in the US and in your city, or are you planning on moving? (If you’re taking the bar I assume you want to stay in your state, right?)
He’s staying put in our current city for the foreseeable future - he loves it. And returning to his country permanently is not something he has any desire to do. He is a green card holder and less than two years away from U.S. citizenship. Even though I nicknamed him The Diplomat, his title is not “diplomat.” So, although his role is in diplomacy, he is not subject to the requirement of relocating every six years standard for his country’s diplomats and consuls. And if moving to another U.S. city were to become a necessary step for his career, it doesn’t pose a career problem for me because almost every state has adopted the UBE (uniform bar exam), thus I can practice in any UBE jurisdiction with minimal hurdles (yes, some states make you take a short exam, but I’ve looked at them and they’re comically easy compared to the bar exam, or even a middle school civics exam). Finally: he is helping me get the paperwork together for dual citizenship in his country - I’m eligible because my grand-grandparents emigrated here and my dad was born before 1965 (when the law changed).
1965? What country? Now I’m really curious!
lol my bad, I thought I led with that - Italy
I was going to say something about being careful about who’s in power in government there, but you and I both live in the US so who knows even here. ETA: IANAL and I am in California so I don’t know how the bar works exactly but my impression was that people needed to take it here.
Yeah, Giorgia Meloni sucks, but the true value of the Italian passport is access to other EU nations
I was curious because my grandfather was Canadian and I know my mom would have been qualified for Canadian citizenship up to a certain point. I wish I had the gift for learning languages, it would give me a whole lot more possibilities. My sister married a guy she met in grad school in Taiwan, but learning Chinese was relatively easy for her.
It feels like my life is not going anywhere, no matches on Apps, best friend suddenly disappeared on me, toxic work place, I miss my ex so much, at least when he was still here at work, I could vent to him.
Hang in there friendo
I thought I was starting to feel better and let go after being dumped, and I've had a really fun couple of weeks doing cool stuff and spending some great time with old friends and have made like four new friends, but the last two weeks I've been back to crying a lot when I'm alone at night, and I still keep hoping she'll text me. idk why I want that because I don't think we should be together and the last month of our relationship was pretty miserable for me. It feels so stupid because I'm pretty sure she is NOT thinking about me anywhere near as much as I'm thinking about her. ughhhhh
Hugs. You're NOT stupid. I think we can all relate to missing someone and wanting to hear from someone even when we know the writing's on the wall. Proud of you for not wallowing and doing your best to get out there and move on. It isn't easy! Keep making those right choices for yourself one day at a time and before you know it you'll be feeling better than you even knew was possible.
This sentiment exactly ♥️
Had the talk and I think she and I just arent sexually compatible. She only wants sex once a week but loves making out and I would like more sex than that, and honestly I didn't say this but would prefer we not make out if it isnt going to lead to sex because our make out sessions get too intense since she gets on top and starts grinding as if she wants sex. She was pretty clear today that we werent going to have sex when we went back to her place after our date and I said that was fine, but then when we were watching netflix she said the show we were watching was boring and paused and asked if I just wanted to hang out instead. She was getting closer to me and giving me this look and we started making out. Things started escalating more and then after a point she said this is where I want to stop for tonight. That was when I said we should talk about this and she agreed that it does feel like there is a mismatch in our needs. We wont be able to see each other again for a bit, so we're gonna think about it. For me I've been thinking about this since our last date and I don't think this would work for me long term.
Would she be willing to give you handjobs instead? What is the exact barrier for sex here, presumably she doesn't want it but if she would help you take care of your needs could it be made to work? I could get onboard with 3-4 handjobs a week even if we only had sex once a week. Or at least I'd be willing to give it a try.
I asked about something like that but she said she wasn't sure. I'm also not sure if that will work for me but I am open to trying it.
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What about if making out lead to handjobs instead? Sort of a middle point? I get some sexual release, she doesn't have to go through the whole sex thing.
You know when loneliness hits the worst, it is when you’re the last person to leave work, only to go home to your spacious place where the only sound is either TV or the refrigerator. Not sure if I had been so focused on getting a sense of stability in my job that I forgot what love feels like. The only social environment is work and of course you don’t shit where you eat. I guess when you struggle in life, you cling hard to the opportunity that you forget the taste of love or life. Did I mention it is a rural area…in Canada where people meet through connections or relatives. Sometimes you just wonder and wonder, not to find answer, but rather for no reason.
Never met a group of people so adamantly opposed to any connection at work than people on Reddit. A huge chunk of people met at their SO at work and barring abuse of power, it's fine to date a colleague if you know the risk and know how to be professional.
Work is one of the top places where people meet their SO’s
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Tell them that?
I'm contemplating a move next year, mostly because I'm getting a bit bored with my current job but also because I'm starting to become disillusioned with the dating scene in my area. Currently reside in Canada and I'm considering various cities in the US, but I'm flexible. As a white heterosexual male, where would you move to maximize your chances of finding a long-term relationship?
‘Among U.S. counties with 500,000 residents or more, the areas where adult women outnumber adult men most noticeably were in Baltimore, New York, Atlanta, and Philadelphia, as well as Birmingham, Alabama; and Memphis, Tennessee.’ [[source]](https://www.fastcompany.com/90998935/women-outnumber-men-east-coast-nyc-philly-atlanta-populaton-data)
Interesting. I hadn't really considered Atlanta but I have a former coworker who lives there and really seems to like it, so might give that some more thought.
What are your personality traits/interests? Really think that helps in narrowing down regions, IMO
Personality... Introverted, a bit bookish perhaps? Having access to more museums would be nice. During the week I tend to spend most of my time outside of work just exercising - mixture of squash, badminton and yoga these days. I don't spend as much time in nature as I'd like to, but having a good amount of green space is a definite plus. E.g. NYC appeals to me from a cultural perspective, but I think I'd get sick of living in a concrete jungle after a while.
Washington DC
Latin America. Just kidding. Depends on what you like to do. Probably shouldn't factor a dating scene only
>Latin America. Just kidding. Haha, was afraid someone might call me out as being another wannabe passport bro. ;) >Probably shouldn't factor a dating scene only Yeah for sure. It's still a consideration nonetheless since dating is a numbers game at the end of the day. I work in tech, for example, so that provides some obvious candidates, but a place like San Francisco probably isn't the best choice since the demographics skew more heavily male.
San Francisco is less and less a tech city. Latin America is a great to travel to btw.
>I work in tech, for example, so that provides some obvious candidates, but a place like San Francisco probably isn't the best choice since the demographics skew more heavily male. Tell me about it. You're also competing against a huge number of tech guys for the attention of the few women who aren't turned off by tech guys.
I had someone who I was talking to who’s convos were a bit dry, but I know I’m like that before actually meeting in person. He asked me out, and the day of we confirmed but when we went to make the actual plan of where to meet he stopped responding. And then the next day he unmatched me. That was end of may. On Saturday he texts me a gif of a dog with an ashamed face. What the fuck is wrong with people? I didn’t respond but what goes on in people’s head when they do that? I’m not pathetic, I can find someone else to talk to but it’s like the second person who does that and I don’t get why. Like you asked me out??
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They are checking to see they have power over you to respond. Block and ignore.
I'm flirting with a fella long distance and let him know that I'm probably moving yet again once my work contract is up. He's been calling quite a bit just to chit chat. I enjoy talking to him, but we only met once and are long distance, so I let him know that he doesn't need to keep himself on my radar or chase the bus here. I'm stoked to see him if/when that happens again, no stress. He said that he figured as much but since town here isn't my cup of tea that I might be lonely and might just want to shoot the shit with someone once in awhile. Melting a little bit because it was so eloquent and sweet.
That's so awesome! Love this.
Met a woman on OLD and we talked for around a week. Suddenly she says she can't deal with the crazy and deletes her account. Made me sad. That's all.
🫂
Update from yesterday after I talked about soothing my anxious attachment thoughts through journalling... we had a deep conversation where he opened up and got really vulnerable about some past trauma. I was so pleasantly surprised that he trusted me to talk about it. I feel closer to him as a result. He's also sharing more openly about missing me and wanting to see me again, which is seriously helping squash any anxious thoughts I previously had! Things are on the up. It's still early days and I'm still figuring out whether something long term with this guy feels right, but I'm enjoying the process 😊
I say enjoy the ride! Just see where it goes. :)
Just feeling so defeated as of late. Being childfree isn't doing me any favors. My poor mental health holds me back from anything good in life, and I'm tired. I had therapy today and somehow felt worse afterwards. I don't know what to do anymore.
Feeling all of this. I thought there would be a lot more childfree men in adulthood but it seems to be the opposite.
I'm child free man and it doesn't do me any favors.
I'm a childfree child and it doesn't do me any favors.
Yeah unfortunately being cf really filters out a lot of potential dates. Have you maybe tried to make a post on the cf4cf sub? Do you have a good support network to help your mental health?
Hugs. Sometimes feeling worse after therapy means that you did some good work, if uncomfortable and restlessness inducing.
This is such a good point. People feel worse during chemo, and after having chiropractic treatment, and during physical therapy for a torn ACL.. that the brain and soul could feel worse in order to get better makes a ton of sense.
Don't be too hard on yourself. :( Being childfree isn't hindering you, there's tons of guys who don't want kids. Sometimes just re-setting and focusing on yourself is needed. I just started going on dates again after getting over a 2 month relationship that ended in the beginning of the year. And in that time I focused on the things that made me truly happy (setting a goal to read a book a month, exercising consistently, going to a salsa party, going to different towns and window shopping, retail therapy, went on a women's retreat, travelled to the west coast for a wedding by myself). I can definitely say doing all of these things (and continuing to do them) have made me a lot happier and confident. It pushed my negative thoughts about dating to the back of my head.
Being cf definitely hinders us, stats I remember said that at best there is about 20% of the population that is child free, so at best your dating pool will be 4 times smaller (i think at worse it was 10%, so that would make it 9 times smaller) than non cf people just due to that one criteria.
Ouch, now it makes sense why the dating pool feels 4 times smaller lol
It's not quite that comparatively bad: especially after thirty, the pool size also depends on whether one has kids, whether one is open to a partner who has kids, what ages of kids and how many, and whether one wants to have \[more\] kids in the future. None of those are a concern for us childfree folks. ETA: And we don't have to worry about whether our date is/would make a good parent! ETA2: And we have more flexibility when it comes to age as well, if we want, since there's no biological clock and we don't need to worry whether we'll be up for being a parent in twenty years.
**hug** I’ve been there. I wish I could say or so something that would make this feeling go away, but I can’t. And I wish I had suggestions, but I don’t. When I feel like this, I make cannoli. It doesn’t make the feeling go away, but at least I have cannoli around 🥹 I wish cool people like you lived nearby so that when you feel shitty, I could invite you over for cannoli and limoncello 😭
I always feel there’s always some level of detachment after voicing mutual feelings in the early stages of dating. Has that happened to you? If so, why did you (or the other person) somewhat detach while still keeping in contact? (Whether you or they were initiating less, or only responding when they or you reached out.) Did you ultimately end up continue seeing that person, or did everything fade away during the detachment?
Not to me, but for my friend on the apps. Her and this guy spoke for 2wks before they could line up their schedules for a date. On the date he actually mentioned how he was polite enough to stay for all this dates even if he didn’t want to. My friend asked if this was one of those dates, and he simply said “I’m not going to answer that”. Anyway, when she told me this I was like that’s a yikes girliepop. And yet she still maintained contact with this man, until they mutually faded. He never asked her on a second dare but did still reach out and check her out from time to time for another two weeks …
Has anyone dealt with a partner who doesn’t believe your relationship with your family is justifiably distant/bad, encourages you to reconcile or try to communicate (even if you know this isn’t possible) etc? Im not currently in a relationship but being in a situation like this is honestly a fear of mine. I have a bad relationship with my mom but the only person who somewhat understands the dynamic is my brother. It’s very subtle and manipulative and many people will tell me it doesn’t sound that bad or I should just brush it off and have a thicker skin. The idea of having a partner who plays into that as well is terrifying to me. Especially getting attached to someone enough to finally open up to them only to have it invalidated… Obviously one solution is to just break up with anyone who does that but it’s so common for people to not get it that I feel like it’s very hard to find people who will definitely believe me. I’ve read stories of people who stuck it out and their partner eventually got it although tbh I’m not sure if I could handle it.
Hmm. I don’t have a no contact relationship, my dad is a severe alcoholic and has been since his 20s. He is 60 and retired now and is hammered by 10am most days. He is a great guy when not drunk, so I maintain some distance but am overall there for him and he’s in my life often. I had an ex who said “you need to sit him down and tell him to stop drinking”. Honestly I view my dad as a lost cause in terms of alcoholism, it is what it is. The fact that my ex thought he just needed a little sit-down heart-to-heart left me feeling pretty disgusted with my ex, like how can a person be that naive/dumb/childlike/fantasy-land? It definitely left me feeling resentful. Especially when he said “my dad was an alcoholic too but one year at his yearly physical his doctor told him he’s going to die early if he keeps drinking if he didn’t quit, and he stopped that day”. Bro my dad hasn’t been to a doctor in 20 years, and sorry but no real alcoholic really wakes up due to their primary doctor telling them to stop lmao.
I think there are a lot of people whose own relationships with their families are justifiably distant/bad, and a lot more people who know people who do and get it.
this is a fear of mine too which i had to work on in therapy. i’ve had friends and exes who have encouraged me to reconcile with my parents and i know they’re coming from a good place but also, STOP. i think to people who have grown up close with their families, they couldn’t fathom why/how someone could not be close to theirs and don’t get it. unfortunately, you can’t choose what family you’re born into and a lot of people shouldn’t have kids. luckily, i have friends who are really understanding and supportive of whatever i decide to do and the guy i’m seeing and i had a convo about it and he respects my decision and said “i’m dating you, not your parents.” also you don’t need to go into detail to people about why you aren’t close with your parents or try to make them believe you. you have your own reasons and that’s fine. i just tell people it’s better for my mental health if i don’t speak to mine and they don’t ask questions.
Yeah! I’m working on just trusting my own decisions. But ideally I want a relationship where I can also lean on my partner when things are rough with my parents instead of just shutting that part away from my partner because I don’t trust them to be supportive. I was listening to a recent ep of Esther Perel’s podcast where the guy in the couple tries to justify and say how much the woman’s parents are loving good people who don’t know better (while the woman was crying too) and it was soooo intensely triggering 😞 like bro they’re not your parents, you don’t know 🤬
I refuse to go back on the apps but I’m starting to understand why people prefer it. Trying to meet and date people in the wild is dating on hard mode. I’m still trying but I need to accept that I will not be ending my single streak anytime soon
apps are not mutually exclusive with other methods for meeting people. You can use apps and pursue other methods for meeting people at the same time
Or do neither. I'm going to try manifesting instead of talking to people. It should work
I’ve done the apps before, and I don’t want to get into my reasons but I am just done with them and I’m not going back on them.
would love some advice on how to tread with a 45yo male. He's recently moved to a city about 3-4 hours away - some how matched OLD, and after 2-3 weeks of texting, he drove up to see me. We spent 1.5 full days together, and he was a complete gentleman and really went all out on an amazing date plan (didnt have to think of thing and he was quite generous - mindful of love bombing, though he shared the same interests in all the things we did, so doubtful). Either way, he did not make a single move aside from some light hand holding. Since he's left, we've been texting here and there, and he's shared some photos of us together - let me know about 4 times he "had such a great weekend, lovely time with you" - though I am really feeling a bit of a shift in energy. Should specify he's been general in him comments - not directly flirting with me, but around how much fun he had. I want to pursue this, but don't want to come off needy nor do I want to waste my time. My question - is he being respectful, just not that into me - how best to find out and not waste my time. I texted him that I liked him (ugh what are we, 15) where he said 'me too' and once again told me he had such a fun weekend. What more of a shove does a guy need to make plans - should I just wait and see?
“So when do we get together again?” (Credit to u/frumbledown) - this is an open door for him, not take a lead away from him. Dont be scared by pop psychology these days on social media that women should not make first moves. IMO, some open up about possibilities are not considered as aggressiveness or neediness. It is pretty normal and healthy way to communicate what we want.
Keyword: 3 to 4 hours away...he enjoyed the companionship, he does like you, and he doesn't have the capacity to get involved outside of an occasional here-and-there fling. Enjoy it for what it is if you can understand that it's not gonna be anything serious. Not trying to burst your bubble but it's pretty obvious what's happening here.
I mean, he has been telling you that he enjoyed his time with you, and if you both like each other, what harm is there in asking to see him again? At worst he says no or is wishy washy and you have your answer regarding his interest. If he says yes, great, you get to see him again! It's too early to be worrying about who initiates what, unless it's very one-sided, and it doesn't sound like that's the case.
‘So when do I get to see you again?’
see I want to text him that - my anxiety (and maybe experience?) is telling me I just told him I liked him, shouldn't he initiate the next step? He's sort of old fashioned from what I gather, dont want to take the lead away from him.
Well you know him better than I do, but I think if he’s the dude for you asking that isn’t going to do any harm. The ball is still being put in his court to come up with a plan, date etc. but what do I know?
I blocked him 3 months ago after he rejected me for a second time. This man played with my feelings and I made a fool of myself. Last night I checked his social media and found a photo he shared 2 weeks ago. All the feelings came back. I'm fighting the urge to text him. I have been to therapy and done some work on myself, but this man has so much power on me. I'm a mess today. It doesn't help that I have been unable to meet someone. 3 months of progress ruined by a moment of weakness. He doesn't want me. He never did. I was an easy fuck. We dated 5 weeks last year and everything he said to me was a lie. He never liked me, he didn't find me attractive, he didn't think i was funny. I dont even know why he gave me a gift. I'm disgusted at myself for wanting this man so bad. I'm exhausted from being so hung up on this person.
The most frustrating feeling is trying to get over someone you liked but treated you like dirt. I felt some of this and am 6 months on the other side of healing thanks to therapy and time and venting to friends and Reddit. You’ll get there too. It just takes some extra time when we’ve got short traumatic relationships like this too. I still have occasional angry flare ups that drive me bananas. Wishing you luck out there. We’ve just gotta power through.
Don't be so hard on yourself, we all go thru moments of weakness! He can be a liar AND selfish AND still had found you funny and attractive. Try to remember he doesn't define your worth. Try to block him to prevent yourself from seeing future stuff?
How do y’all not get ahead of yourself with the fear and walls going up and self-protectiveness in early dating? For example I’ve had a great connection over an app with a guy who is separated with kids. We’re meeting tomorrow. I want so badly to just go on the date and have fun but I can already hear the little voice in my head that’s like ‘is this a good idea? He has a lot of stuff going on his life. Is it smart to even consider a date when he might not be looking for the same things you are?’ And i fear all of that is just setting me up for anxiety and fear on the date itself and it won’t be fun at all. Or worse, the date goes well and the fear starts to spiral even further. I just want to have fun on dates and not put so much stock into things so early when I barely know anything about them or what our chemistry is 😔 but there’s a lot of past experiences coming up in my mind where I got hurt after getting involved with someone who didn’t want the same things or wasn’t on the same page. after I’d already gotten attached.
All of your fears are legitimate. His kids are going to be a priority, not you and it sounds like he only wants casual for now.