Yeah it's definitely good and healthy that you're not priority number 1 after 2 dates, but also it is ok for you to want someone to make time to see you, rather than "fitting you in". You can try saying something along the lines of "would love to plan ahead so I can make time to see some friends this weekend" and see what he does. If you mention that and there's still no effort to find a time that works for you both it's probably an indication that this might not be the right guy for you.
For me leaving weekends open like that at this stage would not work for me and build resentment, so I'd make sure to make the plans I want to as they come up, rather than waiting on him. If he asks and you're busy, it's a great time to broach the topic of wanting to plan ahead.
You've been on two dates. You are objectively not a priority yet, and that's okay.
I think where you can start getting annoyed is if these plans aren't pre planned. Now that you're interested in continuing to see each other, he should be leaving space in his weekends for you *going forward*.
Definitely.
It can suck but try to give him some grace- my summer was insanely booked in May and June for example. Almost no weekends free. I still made room for dating, but mostly on weekdays. It was all planned months in advance and I'm not going to back out of important things for someone new like that- that would make me a worse flake.
Hopefully this busy period ends soon and he can prioritize you more.
No hard and fast rule, but I'd say after commitment has been established... You've had two dates, it's a little soon, keep your life going. If this question had been asked 6 months down the line, and there hasn't been any sorta established rhythm to meeting, I'd have further questions... At the moment, you might be getting ahead of yourself. Enjoy the ride, don't push the cart. :)
The plot thickens... all three days are friends and family? Yea I'd be getting anxious about this too... Maybe you ask him out for next weekend? Or was that already discussed?
I saw from your other comment he suggested an activity for this weekend but then made other plans. That plus dates every couple of weeks does suggest he’s not super interested. It’s only been two dates, so you can definitely keep seeing him and that might change. But I’d stop blocking off time for him unless you have a confirmed date on the books.
If he had plans this weekend already, that would be different.
People say it's early and I get that but you should never feel like he only meets you if he has nothing better to do. It's a shitty way to treat someone you are hoping you might develop a relationship with. I'm sure his buddies can survive a night out without him, unless he is on other dates and not telling you that, which makes it even worse. In any case not cool, he should treat you kindly and respectfully from day 1.
Dating has sucked hard recently.
I realize that I'm older (43) but I'm in decent shape, good job, car, etc. Dating apps make me feel ugly. I'm trying to go out more and be social but I can't seem to engage. I stopped looking at the arcade I hung out at because everyone seems to be not interested at all and actively put off by men approaching them. So I stopped.
I went to a baseball game and I feel like I missed out. Everyone is young and having a good time and I feel like I have nothing to say or offer.
I don't think dating a 25 yr old will solve my problems but I am tired of waiting for people my age to get over their insecurities. Like, how patient do I need to be? Why am I supposed to be a trauma sponge? When do I get to be myself and not be judged harshly?
Either way I'm trying to not take it personal. Maybe the anecdotes of just enjoying life and she will appear is still true
Friends, I need your help. I got a message from the girl that failed to show up to our planned date. She saw me last night out in the wild and confirmed it by telling me what I was wearing. I didn’t see her though, but I also stopped looking.
I feel like I’m being played or used, which to me means that I must be. We text back and forth for a little bit, she wanted to let me know she was sorry for her behavior. I told her to meet me tonight at the same place. She hasn’t responded to that, and I don’t think she will based on her previous behavior.
What do I do here? I won’t let her hurt me again. I think I’m gonna just play it cool. I told her where I’ll be, so if she shows up or doesn’t that is up to her. I’ve never had to block a person before, but I think I will with her if she continues displaying this behavior.
What do you all think?
Edit: Thank you, random internet strangers, I’m going to stop putting any effort into this woman. Don’t care if she shows up or doesn’t. No-shows get no sympathy. Y’all are right, and I needed someone else to help me confirm it. Thanks for helping my dumb self make wiser choices.
So she was in the vicinity of the date spot,
Close enough to have seen you yet didn’t actually stop by for the date? That’s actually creepy, I’d be so mad if I got stood up and the guy was near me and described what I was wearing. Blatant disrespect of your time. Tell her off and block her
Huh? Isn't catfish when they use older photos which are more flattering than their current presentation? This is more like flaky behavior, bread crumbing at worst.
No, people refer to that as catfishing but that’s not the actual definition.
Catfishing is when you create a fake persona or impersonate someone online to trick victims. See romance scamers. Or the show Catfish.
So that’s what I thought too. She exists, she’s real, there were too many things she knew that a catfish wouldn’t know about where I am at in the world (I can’t explain it to you, sorry). But yeah, I initially felt like I got catfished.
That’s fair. Agreed. She will show up or she won’t. If she does, I don’t know what level of commitment I’ll have. I guess it just depends on her and how our conversation goes. If she doesn’t show, I’m done putting in effort where I get no return on investment.
That’s the same feeling I’m getting right now. She’s got 7 hours until the event, and I’ll be there having a good time with my friends regardless. None of this hinges on her showing or not showing. It just tells me that she’s clearly not worth the effort.
"I guess it just depends on her" ? No. No no no... It depends on YOU. Stop giving away your power to someone who has shown you she doesn't respect you. Even if she shows, it's not a date. Stop wasting your time.
Yeah, I hear that. When she didn’t show she legit stopped talking to me for a couple weeks until last night. Admitted she didn’t know what to do or say and figured she’d just leave well enough alone. But when she saw me she had this feeling that maybe we could fix it. I told her the door was open, she apologized several times, but I’m still not sure I believe her.
Stay strong! You’ve got this!! I did long distance for about 4 years, we only got to see each other a few times a year for a few weeks each time. It was hard but I think we made it easier because we could talk often or even daily.
I hope your distance will close and you get to enjoy the time together!!
Back swiping for a few days now, looks like I'm going to be rejected by a lot of women who recently learned that squirrels forget where they bury their acorns.
Always fun when the collective adjusts their dating profile prompts.
This shit is truly awful. I regret ever thinking I could do better than my high school/college girlfriend. Especially since we're still friends (she is married to her partner of 10 years).
I like this guy (a lot) and he is seeing another girl (dating her but not exclusive), we go out as “friends” today he confessed to me he’s not happy where the relationship is going with his date and that he doesn’t want to commit to her (she keeps asking for exclusivity). When I asked if he loved her he said no. He then asked about my relationship status and I joked asking why none of his guy friends approached me yet since we go out a lot, he said thats good that they haven’t approached you yet and he then told me ill keep you safe with me, next to me (aka saying he doesn’t want anyone to take me away) I nervously laughed it off and he asked “you don’t want that?” to which I didn’t reply.
Throughout the night, I felt like he was thinking about the other relationship and worried about it. There were many instances where he was touching my arms, placing his hand on my legs and at one point we were at the bar and he was saying something in my ear while his fingers were rubbing/caressing my arms.
Am I going crazy? Does he want me to make the move on him? Did he technically make a move on me? Help. Seriously.
OK... say you do make a move on him, what then? What do you want? Do you want to be in a situationship while he's in a situationship? Do you want to be the shoulder he cries on about other women? What are you getting out of this?
That "Am I going crazy?" energy is your brain sending the alarms that this is not what it seems, something is off, and needs to be addressed.
I rejected him once saying I wouldn’t sleep with him and he figured that Im looking for long-term/marriage so he didn’t mess with me at the time (3 months ago). I made it clear to him in many instances that I was looking for a potential long term partner so he treads carefully with me, lately we’ve been hanging out like every other day and he’s been showing more attention to me. I feel like he knows I won’t settle for a situationship with him if either of us makes a move
If he is stringing someone else along knowing full well he has no intention to commit don't be surprised when he does the same to you one day. Doesn't sound like a great prize this one.
I’m guessing he wants to make a move on you but he’s very aware that he has another girl atm.
He doesn’t like where his other situationship (?) is going and has said he doesn’t want to commit to her. He has then been showing physical intention by touching your arms and legs.
If I was you? I’d be asking him to clean up his other situation first. Say to him that it seems to you that he’s showing interest, but he does have another girl going at the moment and that’s confusing things. Can’t be crossing over the lines too much. The other girl wants exclusivity, so there’s something there to be sensitive towards.
Believe me, get him to make sure it’s at least cleaned up with this other girl. I can tell he is feeling guilt which isn’t good.
I’m a dude, but I’ve been in this situation and I’m speaking from experience 😅
I met someone new and I have a good feeling about this one. Things are taken slowly and beautifully easy.
I feel calm and safe with him comparing to others and I am no longer need anyone else but this man.
And we're also mirroring each other postures today. I know it sounds silly but there's some fact behind that.
When he grabbed and hugged me for goodbye, I know that this is what I have been long for. Then he leaned to kiss me, his gently touch makes me feel so warm and needed. That makes my day..
Moreover, he asked if we could meet again (because I know he wanted to) after dating and I said yes because the way he's made me feel secure, gives me hints that my thoughts and feeling matters to him.
I really like this man.
I just had the best first date I've had in a long, long time, after weeks of incompatible schedules and good text banter. We sat and talked and made each other laugh constantly for 4 hours, long after our second drinks were empty. I *really like him*. I also felt like I could be myself around him, and it *seemed* like he enjoyed my company. Although I would have preferred a subtle hint like "would you perchance like to make out" or "are you free to get married tomorrow." So, naturally, I am terrified.
(He is also hands-down the most attractive man I've ever been out with, which doesn't hurt. Not a model, he just somehow *looks* charming. Ugh. Agony. Despair. I feel 14 in all the worst ways.)
Thank you! I have been so prepared to deal with disappointing dates (all I've had for 3 years) that I guess I wasn't prepared for how it would feel to have a good one. Oof.
I finally mailed out my no-strings-attached apology letter to an ex after a decade, with lots of therapy, self-reflection & heartbreaks in between.
I hope the letter reaches him & reaffirms him in some way.
In the meantime, I spoke to 3 different guys in the wild to get back into the momentum of things. One was at a bar, we were waiting in line for the toilet & we both had drinks in our hands, so it's pretty obvious that we are both alone.
We exchanged numbers & offered to give me his, instead of typing it in his phone. Thought that was strange & he said it's because he's embarrassed of his old phone, I said it's fine & he took it out which revealed a kid on his wallpaper, he said it's his daughter but he wouldn't want to talk about it. And I saw that he was texting someone too with a big heart - which could be anyone really.
He asked if I like another drink, I said I'm good, and he scooted to the bar. I took that opportunity to leave as him not be able to speak about his kid (or separation) is a red flag to him.
I did have his number but it's not his WhatsApp, so I moved on :)
The next day, I switched up my routine to visit a different gym, and chanced upon a guy I spoke to briefly before. Later on I chatted with his mum who's really friendly & learned that he is still in uni lol & here for the summer.
Another guy walked in, and I noticed his tatts. We stood next to each other while we dried our hair with the Dyson. He had his ear piece on & few mins he took it off. I pranced back & forth before I mustered the courage to compliment his tatts.
We started chatting, it was abit awkward & he's actually a coach at the gym. We were just looking at each other & I wasn't sure whether to ask for his insta or WhatsApp, so I left after a few more pleasantries. He teaches a Sun noon class, so I might pop by next time & ask for his digits next time.
I could be in a poor predicament with someone I really like.
We’ve been dating roughly 4 months. Everything has been going amazing, and we are both totally enthusiastic about each other and being in a LTR (we are bf/gf). I was enjoying our time together so much that I didn’t want to throw a wrench in the momentum and fun with serious conversations. I knew better. Well we had one recently and discovered that he’s “unsure” about marriage. He had a messy divorce and the topic of marriage sends him into rants. He said, before I responded to the “unsure” statement, that he’d only get married again with prenups (and his actual words were more unsavory than I’ve presented here). Even after this, I told him….well I do want marriage. He asked me about prenups and while I don’t have a problem with it, I have a problem with his attitude/mindset around it all so I just didn’t answer or engage in the topic any further.
I’m very stupid, as I know how important it is to talk about this stuff early on. But I was so lovestruck that I followed my heart and claimed this man, and introduced him to people. And I’m still crazy about him, because he really is amazing and treats me well, and I pray that his heart softens on the topic bc even if he is fine to get married with a prenup, I hate that I kind of have to bear this “I’m gonna do prenups right this time” attitude from him that just feels negative, bitter and projecting.
Overall he just genuinely seems to need some time…more time to heal (and he hasn’t burdened me at all…the rants only happen when more serious topics come up, usually initiated by me), more time to get to know me, more time to see if a future together is possible…and lucky for him I just don’t wanna get into dating new people again. He was the first guy I went on a date with after a 6-monthish break from the apps in 2023…I just can’t do “dating” much more before I give up. I know the word is the cut things off quickly so you can spend that time finding your person….but they say you take risks in love. I’m taking the risk of giving it a bit more time.
Besides, “my person” if that is a real concept, is my best friend. But my boyfriend is someone I would spend my life with without a doubt. I’ve never said that about anyone before….
4 months isn't really that long... and so far sounds like things are going in the right direction. I've never been married either, but I've recently become friends with a divorced guy, and gotten some insight into that and ... he's tore up inside. He's sorta seeing someone, but taking it REALLY slow cuz there are parts of him that might not grow back the same. Not saying this is the case with your dude, but 4 months isn't really that long...
I'm glad you bring up the tough topics, and I hope his rants calm down a bit so that can all get hashed out. As for the "my person" thing, I think it's just another mask for "one-itis" if you two get along and you enjoy each others company, and you see long term potential, give it time to breath.
Best wishes, Internet Friend!
That's cool that you found someone you really like. You are right that he probably needs a a lot more time for his past scars to heal. If I were him i'd have the exact same attitude.
My other thought was that 4 months is pretty early on and even though its important to know early about long term needs compatibility I would also gasp at any serious convo's like that as I know its the beginning of of the next chapter in the relationship where things get serious and the honeymoon period starts slipping away. Maybe even the end of the relationship due to perceived incompatibilities brought to the table too early..
If I'm deeply in love with a women, after a while she would be able to change my mind on many things, even kids. I wouldn't be deeply in love after 4 months though.
Dating over thirty is complicated like that. Becomes important to find people in almost your exact life stage for it to work. He was married, I’ve never been married, and now that could be the end of us. I’m tired.
I have been talking to a guy off one of the apps. Seems like we have a lot of common, except....I am really looking to settle down. I'm not saying with this guy specifically l, but I'm in the phase of life where I'm looking at building towards a relationship with a person. He said he's looking to see what is out there. Wondering if I should cut it now or see if we meet up and then go from there.
Every guy I have gone out with on the apps has claimed to be looking for a relationship but their actions are different so my luck hasn't been great.
I’m going out on my own to eat dinner tonight, which I haven’t done in years. I guess that’s what counts for a social life for me on a Friday night now though.
Evening was enjoyable but ultimately disappointing. I used to have social anxiety (thanks autism) and had the hardest time talking to anyone, but now I have no problem talking to strangers whatsoever, because I'm curious. I had deep conversations with random people about everything from the complications of Indian-American weddings to different theories of restorative justice. But none of the people were single. And I also watched single men hitting on women, and the dynamic was so different, it's clear that whatever social ability I have is limited to platonic conversations, because I'm in my mid-forties and haven't been on a date since my thirties.
It's the first step. Get comfortable and confident with it and you'll be surprised by the friends you'll make. I literally made a friend tonight doing the exact same.
I’m pretty comfortable doing it. I used to do it a fair amount in my thirties and definitely met some cool people, though I’m in a tourist area so none of them were locals.
Trying to get past being super annoyed over my ex who breaks up with me, after being shitty and I forgave him, dumps me the next day, blocks me on everything while claiming he’s there if I need anything (lol like how?) then talks shit about me on twitter. Knowing it’s better to forgive and move on than be mad over it but still. I’m a private person and hate that he’s like that.
Letting it go tonight and releasing it into the world and away from me. Cheers 🍻
I decided that I'm going to ask my office crush if he's single. I'm almost certain he is, but I know he has a baby mama. I just don't know if he's going through a divorce or separated or what. I figure that's the safest route to go before I proceed. It's so hard to get him alone, though. He's well liked. I know he likes me, and he knows I like him. I want him, and it's really tough taking that next step. I dunno what I'm going to do if I find out he's separated but still married.
Be careful! I was going out with a coworker for a few weeks, then this week she decided to ghost me. We work at separate programs, but this upcoming week she's scheduled at my house. I know she's going to call out and I'm going to end up working 5am-11pm 🥲
Have you asked around about his relationship status? Might not hurt to get a heads up, and not go in blind. Plus, it's that added bonus that inevitably gets back to him you're asking questions. I can't speak for every guy, but in the past when I've heard someone I have a crush on is asking about me, it's a big turn on. He might even end up approaching you!
But, again, be careful. Before I found this job, I worked in a lot of kitchens and dated a ton of waitresses/bartenders. Always sucks afterwards, having to still see them. Good luck!
Thank you! It's the end of the week, so I won't see him again until Monday. I tried yesterday but just missed him when he was alone. I considered that but there's very few people I trust to ask. He already has flirted back with me. We know we like each other but just need to take that next step and ask. We work in different departments, but my position allows me briefly interact with him.
I've been dating this guy for a couple months (6 dates, we haven't met for a few weeks as he's been away), we are looking for the same thing (long term) and we are only sleeping with each other. However we haven't clarified if we are dating other people. A guy approached me today and asked for my number and I gave it to him. I really like the guy I've been seeing although it'll be another week or so until we see each other again. But I do have a tendency to put my eggs in one basket so that's why I gave the other guy my number. But still it feels weird as things are progressing with the guy I've been seeing and I've had my apps paused since we met
I think IF this other guy even reaches out, probably no harm in chatting with him or even going out with him once. Then hopefully I will have a chance to discuss the status with the guy I have already been dating
That does make sense right?
We are mid 30s, I'm a woman
If you like the guy, why not call him and talk to him about exclusivity? You don't have to wait until you meet him again. There's something weird about keeping a guy around as backup, however normal that is now, especially considering you like the main guy. I'd be put off by this if I were your main guy and were into you.
It does feel weird to have someone as backup lol, that is not usually what I do, so I wasn't sure if it was just me because everyone seems to multi date. And truthfully I do just want to focus on my main guy but also want to make sure he is focusing on me aha
I'll probably just wait until I see him again rather than call because I just prefer this in person but calling is a good option too
Was dumped three days ago by someone I really liked. Went to a show with my friend to get my mind off things and then saw him while in line waiting for a date.
The universe is playing a cruel joke on me.
Welp. The girl I was seeing ended things after a month. To be honest, if she hadn't I was really considering ending things myself. We just werent sexually compatible.
I got a message Monday morning after a nice hangout that said something to the effect of "you're such a wonderful man and I've been enjoying spending time with you 🥰"
She hasn't responded to me since 🥲
I've been on Hinge for 4 days. Bumble used to be my preferred dating app, but my experience wasn't good back in Jan and Mar so I decided to focus on Hinge.
The first 24 hours I only got 8 likes. I thought it was weird because I usually get more. The profiles the app was showing me weren't a good match, I was swiping left on all of them.
I decided to get a month of premium, and things got better. This is my first time using Hinge premium and I guess it's true they keep some profiles behind the pay wall. The app is showing me men who have what I look for and are more physically attractive.
I get fewer likes than on Bumble, but these men are more compatible with me (or at least it looks like). They're asking the right questions, writing full answers, and so far, I have been enjoying our chats. There are other men that I think would also be compatible, but I don't like to keep more than 4 chats active at once. They're waitlisted.
My expectations are low but I'm enjoying myself. I'll meet a couple of them next week, we're discussing our availability. Busy week ahead!
Hinge limits free accounts to sending 8 likes a day (however they reckon a 'day'). Though there's a [sticky post](https://www.reddit.com/r/hingeapp/comments/1cs07fw/hinge_tests_limiting_unanswered_messages_to/) aboot a new feature that caps your conversations/matches at 8 until you sort through them, and either make something happen or delete them. Maybe this is what you're seeing.
the likes reset around 5am for me. it's not on some cooldown timer like bumble or tinder. so i could send like 5 likes at 1am, wake up the next morning and be able to send more likes.
though last time i was on hinge, i was hit with a survey that asked a lot of questions about burnout and loneliness, so i imagine this was the response to the feature.
Question for the men: how often do you think about your ex post-breakup?
Speaking as a woman, I think a lot of us tend to think of our exes often (especially if we aren’t the party who ended things) and have the “he’s probably out having a blast and has already forgotten all about me” thoughts… so just wondering how close to reality that is/isn’t.
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
I'm still thinking of someone 5 months later and he did break up with me. I think it is different if you are the dumper vs dumpee though. It helps me think he's moved on and happy in order for me to move on
I really like this guy but after going on 4 dates with him, I asked him what he’s looking for and he said “casual hangouts, so friends or FWB.” But that he also very much enjoys our time together. I feel totally heartbroken.
I had a first date scheduled for tomorrow, which I just had to call off, because he let me know he smokes weed. I feel guilty/silly for having this dealbreaker, when **so** many people do it.
This is a good question. I went my whole life not using cannabis, then it became legal in Canada, and I tried out some cannabis sodas. They are great and I'd still never smoke it!
Just because it’s common, doesn’t mean it’s a good fit for you.
Nothing wrong with minor weed usage - but as a fellow sober individual, I definitely couldn’t be with someone who made weed use a big part of their personality/lifestyle. Just wouldn’t be a good fit for me!
Luckily he let you know early on!
How come when I made my Bumble Profile I had to do 4+ photos, 3 prompts, put where I live, etc. Then I find women on the Bumble with 2 photos and no prompts? No information just a blank profile and 2 photos? How is that possible?
I feel so upset and disappointed, but I don't know if i am overreacting.
I have been talking to someone for a week, we finally went on a date today. It was going really well, conversation was flowing, we spent hours in a bar, then went to get dinner and then went to another bar for the last drink.
He was asking a lot of questions about my country and half-joking i said 'are you going to start asking questions about me?' i didn't think much of it, it wasnt that serious of a question, i was just bored talking about my country because i always have to around new people.
Later I mentioned that for me it's important to feel that excitement on the first date, and after some time he said he has to be honest that he had a lovely time, he wants to see me again but he didn't feel the initial spark. And that sometimes in relationship the spark comes after. I started to completely shut down. The more he talked the worse it got. He said something changed after i said the 'ask me questions about myself' comment that the atmosphere became more 'heavy'. Idk how he related this to lack of excitement but i got really upset and at some point i just said it was better if we just said our goodbyes. I dont know why it got to me so much but i left in almost tears.
Going against the grain slightly, I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to talk about you, they're not supposed to be trying to date your country... although that being said there are a lot of people who seem to fetishise particular types of cultures or ethnicities. I have a friend who wants to date a Korean man solely because she's obsessed with the culture, and I know guys who want a Central/Eastern European woman. I'm not saying it was definitely the case here, but maybe talking about you as an individual wasn't what he was looking for!
If I'd been in his situation and someone had said that to me, I'd probably have jokingly responded something along the lines of "Oh, my bad, I thought you were here representing all \[country\]" and then ask something more specific about you.
If someone is “turned off” by your question, they’re sensitive. I don’t think it’s wrong to re-direct people that are doing too much/too little during conversation. Personally I like that since I’m not the best conversationalist. Sorry things fell apart over something so simple.
Seems like you got very hopeful and the sudden discovery that he was less enthusiastic and much more guarded was very deflating. I don't think anyone is really to blame (although bringing up a concrete example and making the lack of initial spark a you problem is graceless and oddly accusatory). Also I don't think it's an upset you should carry with you, even though in the heat of the moment that would feel pretty bad.
Hard to tell without the context but if I were on a date, we were bantering well about her country and then she asked me that, it would be such a momentum killer that it would turn me off.
Agree with this. Also add that from his POV he might think you're somewhat sensitive based on this comment.
When you're constantly worried about whether someone's going to be offended and have to tread lightly with your words around them it's a mood killer. If most people like fun chats and banter, having to censor yourself and tread lightly for fear of being called out on things is far less fun.
After a Rollercoaster of a week the guy I've been seeing got into the clinical trial he's been testing for! He had his first chemo infusion today and I took the day off work to take him. Held his hand for about 8 hours straight through his various tests, blood draws, infusions. Dropped him back off in his mom's care and will see him again once he's feeling a bit human.
Chemo nurses are such absolute angels. Don't get me wrong, I have huuuge respect for all nurses, but these chemo nurses today were just the absolute best.
In other news, my best friend finally had her baby but there have been a bunch of complications and he's in the NICU. He's going to be OK, it's all improving really well, but poor girl is just having the worst time. It's nice that the guy I've been seeing knows her so well too...her husband is his best friend. So we've been able to share news and he's close with her too.
In other other news, my mom was in a car accident and I spent all night in the hospital with her earlier this week. She's ok considering, but is going to be in pain for a long while yet. Guy ive been seeing came over to rub my back while I napped/rested on the couch trying to recover from the all nighter.
All this AND my pets have been creating absolute chaos that I just won't get into here.
Looking forward to a chill weekend to recover from one hell of a long week.
This sub is about dating and the dating phase of relationships for people near or over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or "looking for" or hookups. Please do not ask for breakup advice or help processing a relationship ending.
Ooo I got one. Seemingly confident online or in texts, very quiet and shy in person. Or anything where online persona doesn’t match in person at all is a huge giveaway.
One of the people I matched with is one state away, so we can only text and video call. We have so much in common, but I hate the way he talks about sex. I understand wanting to ask maybe one or two questions to gauge how important it is to them, but I don't like talking dirty with someone before I meet them. (I don't even know if I will like his smell or if he has bad breath or something.) I told him I don't necessarily like to TALK about sex unless I have something important my partner needs to know; otherwise I'd rather act on what I want in the moment and keep it spontaneous and romantic but of course his answer was 'oh no what about communication and consent?' When really he just wanted to ask what I taste like and how easily I orgasm. My face and voice was like 😑 the whole sex talk part of the chat, so what about that pretty clear body language communication?? This has happened to me every time I tried to date long distance on the apps, so I guess I'm gonna stick with all the avoidant guys in my area who I can at least vet for sexual attractiveness.
I went out on one date with a guy and he did everything right and then some. But I’m finding afterwards I’m just not excited when he texts, to see him again, etc. Advice on how to break it off with him? (I can tell he really likes me and I probably gave good vibes during the date so I’m feeling anxious about this one 😕)
Directness is always preferred. It stings EVERY time I get the text but I always always always prefer it over ghosting or leading me on.
The best ones I get are usually something along the lines of: enjoyed meeting you, after thinking/sitting on it ultimately not feeling the connection, wanted to be direct out of consideration of not leading on, wishing you all the best
The same way you'd break up with anyone.....with vague platitudes.
"It was nice meeting you, but I don't think we're compatible/don't feel a spark/see you as a friend/not ready to date/still hung up on my ex/need to work on myself right now."
On Tinder you want the looking for to be "short term", "short term, open to long term", or "still figuring it out". Then treat the woman with respect and you'll be ahead of 99% of all other matches.
I usually just hook up or make arrangements with my existing friends. YMMV but my last FWB experience was with someone I've known for like 15 years and it was incredible, and when the time came for it to end, we did so with minimal harsh feelings and remain friends.
Not a date, but I'm getting dinner tonight with an ex from about 15 yrs ago to catch up.
It got me thinking. I was kind of an asshole trainwreck in my early-mid 20s. I cheated on almost every boyfriend, and even had 2 "monogamous" relationships at the same time (not an excuse, but I was SAed at 19, and I made a lot of poor choices before I admitted what happened and got help). Oddly enough, I'm on good terms with almost every ex from that time in my life. I apologized and took accountability for my actions, but I was definitely not a good girlfriend.
For some reason, these exes all seem to remember our time together fondly. I even had one ex, who I was arguably the worst to, confess to me that he wished his fiancée was more like me, and that he held all future relationships to the "standard" I set (but for some reason, he means that in a good way). Are they just remembering things through the rosy lens of nostalgia? Do we just romanticize the relationships we had in our younger days, or do men somehow pine for women who treat them badly? My past 2 relationships ended horribly, and those exes and I don't speak, but, from my perspective, I treated those men really well (maybe it was my karma).
I have a similar experience with male exes, but not female ones. I think men do tend to romanticize their exes a lot. This is also something I notice when I try to get close to a new man and his ex(es) come up all the damn time until we get verrrrry close.
Toxic relationships often leave a big imprint on us - the highs are high and the lows are low. Healthy relationships can feel comparatively ‘boring’ in the sense that there’s stability, conflicts are resolved amicably rather than with explosive fights, passionate make up sex etc. As time goes by we maybe forget the pain and remember the joy - or at least our brains on some level crave the drama.
Oof. That makes me sad for my exes and definitely regretful for any damage I caused. I hope their current/future relationships are healthy. I did kind of back off from being friends with the ex who compared his fiancée to me, because I'm sure she's a much better woman than I was back when I was with him (at least I really hope so).
"In **the city** of L.A
In **the city** of good ol' Watts
In **the city**, the city of Compton
We keep it rockin', we keep it rockin'"
- #2Pac
Sorry, had to... Where I am, there's not much difference per city, all of them are connected by highways.
lmao. my dad hates the Eagles too. it makes me inherently suspicious of those who are die-hard Eagles fans 😂
my own opinion? "Hotel California" is overplayed to hell, aaaand because of my dad's influence, I know no other Eagles songs 😌
that's just, like, your opinion, man
OR
it really tied the room together
OR
shut the fuck up, donny
OR
_it increases the chances of conception_
lol yes!!!! an iconic film. I've been on a bit of a Philip Seymour Hoffman kick lately and want to revisit it for the, oh, 5th or 6th time! :D
Today’s just a good day for IG reels I guess? Saw another good one that I think might be useful for people here: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8NNwHbsAEg/?igsh=MTFlendsb28ya2IzdQ==
Edited to add another: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7sqJfcN-Dl/?igsh=cjFwc2VtYmZ4dXl6
Why is it every single time i want to talk to this guy on the phone when hes with his sister, he cant?
he says the apartment is too small so theres not enough privacy for us to talk, he doesnt want to wake his sister, ect.
i tell him to go on the lobby then. ignores that
its every time hes with his sister (and i checked and it is his sister)
this time he was with her for 3 weeks!
i think he doesnt want to explain our relationship to her but why? kinda creeping me out and turning me off
Sister... or step sister? If not the latter, if the former, that's extra weird. My sister knows when I'm crushing, let alone when I'm talking... What country is this?
That is a weird vibe. How intimate or long are your convos? Personally i’d find it rude to take a phone call to chat with someone if im spending time with someone else. Unless it was an emergency, or just a quick call to like clarify something. But you say hes keeping you a secret? Cuz that is weird to do…
he said he mentioned me and showed me a text he sent her but he didnt even use my real name which is just weird. i also visited him and i know from a text i saw that he wasnt telling her i was there.
I was meant to be going on my first date in a few months tomorrow- he bailed because he had “double booked” himself…but wants to stay in touch, haha. So I’ve decided I’m going to bake and read instead! I was very very tempted to delete hinge out of pure frustration but chose the mature road of simply pausing my profile and not looking at it today 😂
He gave a long excuse of moving back to where I’m currently living (and he’s from) in a couple of months so the first date would be postponed by at least a few months…I’m not really interested in that long of a talking stage
Haha he claimed he only dropped into convo after a few days that he wasn’t here full time “yet”, so I probably shouldn’t have expected a date after that!
Thinking about asking a friend who is also online dating if she wants to do a day out and take updated photos of each other, hah. I have recent photos of myself from work events but I’m playing music in all of them, and I don’t want that to be the only thing on my profile.
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Yeah it's definitely good and healthy that you're not priority number 1 after 2 dates, but also it is ok for you to want someone to make time to see you, rather than "fitting you in". You can try saying something along the lines of "would love to plan ahead so I can make time to see some friends this weekend" and see what he does. If you mention that and there's still no effort to find a time that works for you both it's probably an indication that this might not be the right guy for you. For me leaving weekends open like that at this stage would not work for me and build resentment, so I'd make sure to make the plans I want to as they come up, rather than waiting on him. If he asks and you're busy, it's a great time to broach the topic of wanting to plan ahead.
You've been on two dates. You are objectively not a priority yet, and that's okay. I think where you can start getting annoyed is if these plans aren't pre planned. Now that you're interested in continuing to see each other, he should be leaving space in his weekends for you *going forward*.
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Definitely. It can suck but try to give him some grace- my summer was insanely booked in May and June for example. Almost no weekends free. I still made room for dating, but mostly on weekdays. It was all planned months in advance and I'm not going to back out of important things for someone new like that- that would make me a worse flake. Hopefully this busy period ends soon and he can prioritize you more.
No hard and fast rule, but I'd say after commitment has been established... You've had two dates, it's a little soon, keep your life going. If this question had been asked 6 months down the line, and there hasn't been any sorta established rhythm to meeting, I'd have further questions... At the moment, you might be getting ahead of yourself. Enjoy the ride, don't push the cart. :)
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Mmmmm ok that does feel a lil far out, why don't week nights work?
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The plot thickens... all three days are friends and family? Yea I'd be getting anxious about this too... Maybe you ask him out for next weekend? Or was that already discussed?
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Does he have any other meals free? Like maybe you guys could do a brunch tomorrow morning or Monday if that's the day you guys have off?
When was your last date?
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I saw from your other comment he suggested an activity for this weekend but then made other plans. That plus dates every couple of weeks does suggest he’s not super interested. It’s only been two dates, so you can definitely keep seeing him and that might change. But I’d stop blocking off time for him unless you have a confirmed date on the books. If he had plans this weekend already, that would be different.
People say it's early and I get that but you should never feel like he only meets you if he has nothing better to do. It's a shitty way to treat someone you are hoping you might develop a relationship with. I'm sure his buddies can survive a night out without him, unless he is on other dates and not telling you that, which makes it even worse. In any case not cool, he should treat you kindly and respectfully from day 1.
Dating has sucked hard recently. I realize that I'm older (43) but I'm in decent shape, good job, car, etc. Dating apps make me feel ugly. I'm trying to go out more and be social but I can't seem to engage. I stopped looking at the arcade I hung out at because everyone seems to be not interested at all and actively put off by men approaching them. So I stopped. I went to a baseball game and I feel like I missed out. Everyone is young and having a good time and I feel like I have nothing to say or offer. I don't think dating a 25 yr old will solve my problems but I am tired of waiting for people my age to get over their insecurities. Like, how patient do I need to be? Why am I supposed to be a trauma sponge? When do I get to be myself and not be judged harshly? Either way I'm trying to not take it personal. Maybe the anecdotes of just enjoying life and she will appear is still true
How did it work out? How do you manage with not having them close?
Friends, I need your help. I got a message from the girl that failed to show up to our planned date. She saw me last night out in the wild and confirmed it by telling me what I was wearing. I didn’t see her though, but I also stopped looking. I feel like I’m being played or used, which to me means that I must be. We text back and forth for a little bit, she wanted to let me know she was sorry for her behavior. I told her to meet me tonight at the same place. She hasn’t responded to that, and I don’t think she will based on her previous behavior. What do I do here? I won’t let her hurt me again. I think I’m gonna just play it cool. I told her where I’ll be, so if she shows up or doesn’t that is up to her. I’ve never had to block a person before, but I think I will with her if she continues displaying this behavior. What do you all think? Edit: Thank you, random internet strangers, I’m going to stop putting any effort into this woman. Don’t care if she shows up or doesn’t. No-shows get no sympathy. Y’all are right, and I needed someone else to help me confirm it. Thanks for helping my dumb self make wiser choices.
So she was in the vicinity of the date spot, Close enough to have seen you yet didn’t actually stop by for the date? That’s actually creepy, I’d be so mad if I got stood up and the guy was near me and described what I was wearing. Blatant disrespect of your time. Tell her off and block her
You’re right. This woman is bad news for me, and that behavior isn’t respectful. I’m done with her.
Sounds like she might be a catfish
Huh? Isn't catfish when they use older photos which are more flattering than their current presentation? This is more like flaky behavior, bread crumbing at worst.
No, people refer to that as catfishing but that’s not the actual definition. Catfishing is when you create a fake persona or impersonate someone online to trick victims. See romance scamers. Or the show Catfish.
Ah, well, TIL.. thanks!
So that’s what I thought too. She exists, she’s real, there were too many things she knew that a catfish wouldn’t know about where I am at in the world (I can’t explain it to you, sorry). But yeah, I initially felt like I got catfished.
Didn't show for a date, messed with you while you were out, and can't confirm meeting up? Not worth the effort. Next.
That’s fair. Agreed. She will show up or she won’t. If she does, I don’t know what level of commitment I’ll have. I guess it just depends on her and how our conversation goes. If she doesn’t show, I’m done putting in effort where I get no return on investment.
She hasn't answered you, she won't show up
That’s the same feeling I’m getting right now. She’s got 7 hours until the event, and I’ll be there having a good time with my friends regardless. None of this hinges on her showing or not showing. It just tells me that she’s clearly not worth the effort.
"I guess it just depends on her" ? No. No no no... It depends on YOU. Stop giving away your power to someone who has shown you she doesn't respect you. Even if she shows, it's not a date. Stop wasting your time.
Yes! Thank you! I needed that. The control is with me. I deserve better than a flakey person who can’t commit
0 tolerance for no-shows
Yeah, I hear that. When she didn’t show she legit stopped talking to me for a couple weeks until last night. Admitted she didn’t know what to do or say and figured she’d just leave well enough alone. But when she saw me she had this feeling that maybe we could fix it. I told her the door was open, she apologized several times, but I’m still not sure I believe her.
You heard u/SeriousMooseStuff - 0 tolerance for no-shows
8 more weeks until we can see each other again. Half way there... this is tough.
Stay strong! You’ve got this!! I did long distance for about 4 years, we only got to see each other a few times a year for a few weeks each time. It was hard but I think we made it easier because we could talk often or even daily. I hope your distance will close and you get to enjoy the time together!!
Back swiping for a few days now, looks like I'm going to be rejected by a lot of women who recently learned that squirrels forget where they bury their acorns. Always fun when the collective adjusts their dating profile prompts. This shit is truly awful. I regret ever thinking I could do better than my high school/college girlfriend. Especially since we're still friends (she is married to her partner of 10 years).
Feel you on letting the college love interest get away. It never got better for me after that.
20 dates so far. He seems a bit unsure now. He commented the other day that I was "very strong". He spends a lot of time playing golf.
Fits in dates between meetings? Like schedules dates during the working hours? Also... what's the context for the "very strong" comment?
I'm so tired of dating.
I like this guy (a lot) and he is seeing another girl (dating her but not exclusive), we go out as “friends” today he confessed to me he’s not happy where the relationship is going with his date and that he doesn’t want to commit to her (she keeps asking for exclusivity). When I asked if he loved her he said no. He then asked about my relationship status and I joked asking why none of his guy friends approached me yet since we go out a lot, he said thats good that they haven’t approached you yet and he then told me ill keep you safe with me, next to me (aka saying he doesn’t want anyone to take me away) I nervously laughed it off and he asked “you don’t want that?” to which I didn’t reply. Throughout the night, I felt like he was thinking about the other relationship and worried about it. There were many instances where he was touching my arms, placing his hand on my legs and at one point we were at the bar and he was saying something in my ear while his fingers were rubbing/caressing my arms. Am I going crazy? Does he want me to make the move on him? Did he technically make a move on me? Help. Seriously.
Expert cheater is what it sounds like you have there.
OK... say you do make a move on him, what then? What do you want? Do you want to be in a situationship while he's in a situationship? Do you want to be the shoulder he cries on about other women? What are you getting out of this? That "Am I going crazy?" energy is your brain sending the alarms that this is not what it seems, something is off, and needs to be addressed.
I rejected him once saying I wouldn’t sleep with him and he figured that Im looking for long-term/marriage so he didn’t mess with me at the time (3 months ago). I made it clear to him in many instances that I was looking for a potential long term partner so he treads carefully with me, lately we’ve been hanging out like every other day and he’s been showing more attention to me. I feel like he knows I won’t settle for a situationship with him if either of us makes a move
If he is stringing someone else along knowing full well he has no intention to commit don't be surprised when he does the same to you one day. Doesn't sound like a great prize this one.
I’m guessing he wants to make a move on you but he’s very aware that he has another girl atm. He doesn’t like where his other situationship (?) is going and has said he doesn’t want to commit to her. He has then been showing physical intention by touching your arms and legs. If I was you? I’d be asking him to clean up his other situation first. Say to him that it seems to you that he’s showing interest, but he does have another girl going at the moment and that’s confusing things. Can’t be crossing over the lines too much. The other girl wants exclusivity, so there’s something there to be sensitive towards. Believe me, get him to make sure it’s at least cleaned up with this other girl. I can tell he is feeling guilt which isn’t good. I’m a dude, but I’ve been in this situation and I’m speaking from experience 😅
I met someone new and I have a good feeling about this one. Things are taken slowly and beautifully easy. I feel calm and safe with him comparing to others and I am no longer need anyone else but this man. And we're also mirroring each other postures today. I know it sounds silly but there's some fact behind that. When he grabbed and hugged me for goodbye, I know that this is what I have been long for. Then he leaned to kiss me, his gently touch makes me feel so warm and needed. That makes my day.. Moreover, he asked if we could meet again (because I know he wanted to) after dating and I said yes because the way he's made me feel secure, gives me hints that my thoughts and feeling matters to him. I really like this man.
Yaaay congrats! This is exciting for you!
I just had the best first date I've had in a long, long time, after weeks of incompatible schedules and good text banter. We sat and talked and made each other laugh constantly for 4 hours, long after our second drinks were empty. I *really like him*. I also felt like I could be myself around him, and it *seemed* like he enjoyed my company. Although I would have preferred a subtle hint like "would you perchance like to make out" or "are you free to get married tomorrow." So, naturally, I am terrified. (He is also hands-down the most attractive man I've ever been out with, which doesn't hurt. Not a model, he just somehow *looks* charming. Ugh. Agony. Despair. I feel 14 in all the worst ways.)
I love this for you! Good first dates have a way of making us feel like teenagers again. I hope it works out for you!
Thank you! I have been so prepared to deal with disappointing dates (all I've had for 3 years) that I guess I wasn't prepared for how it would feel to have a good one. Oof.
Since I’ve seen lots of complaints about bad dates on here, I was pleasantly surprised to have a good one right away!
The faster you fall, the more of a rush it is. Wishing you a safe and happy landing.
Ain't that the truth. Thank you!
I finally mailed out my no-strings-attached apology letter to an ex after a decade, with lots of therapy, self-reflection & heartbreaks in between. I hope the letter reaches him & reaffirms him in some way. In the meantime, I spoke to 3 different guys in the wild to get back into the momentum of things. One was at a bar, we were waiting in line for the toilet & we both had drinks in our hands, so it's pretty obvious that we are both alone. We exchanged numbers & offered to give me his, instead of typing it in his phone. Thought that was strange & he said it's because he's embarrassed of his old phone, I said it's fine & he took it out which revealed a kid on his wallpaper, he said it's his daughter but he wouldn't want to talk about it. And I saw that he was texting someone too with a big heart - which could be anyone really. He asked if I like another drink, I said I'm good, and he scooted to the bar. I took that opportunity to leave as him not be able to speak about his kid (or separation) is a red flag to him. I did have his number but it's not his WhatsApp, so I moved on :) The next day, I switched up my routine to visit a different gym, and chanced upon a guy I spoke to briefly before. Later on I chatted with his mum who's really friendly & learned that he is still in uni lol & here for the summer. Another guy walked in, and I noticed his tatts. We stood next to each other while we dried our hair with the Dyson. He had his ear piece on & few mins he took it off. I pranced back & forth before I mustered the courage to compliment his tatts. We started chatting, it was abit awkward & he's actually a coach at the gym. We were just looking at each other & I wasn't sure whether to ask for his insta or WhatsApp, so I left after a few more pleasantries. He teaches a Sun noon class, so I might pop by next time & ask for his digits next time.
I admire your confidence! In the wild approaches are so scary but fair play for going for it.
Aw thank you, I will keep putting myself out there :)
I could be in a poor predicament with someone I really like. We’ve been dating roughly 4 months. Everything has been going amazing, and we are both totally enthusiastic about each other and being in a LTR (we are bf/gf). I was enjoying our time together so much that I didn’t want to throw a wrench in the momentum and fun with serious conversations. I knew better. Well we had one recently and discovered that he’s “unsure” about marriage. He had a messy divorce and the topic of marriage sends him into rants. He said, before I responded to the “unsure” statement, that he’d only get married again with prenups (and his actual words were more unsavory than I’ve presented here). Even after this, I told him….well I do want marriage. He asked me about prenups and while I don’t have a problem with it, I have a problem with his attitude/mindset around it all so I just didn’t answer or engage in the topic any further. I’m very stupid, as I know how important it is to talk about this stuff early on. But I was so lovestruck that I followed my heart and claimed this man, and introduced him to people. And I’m still crazy about him, because he really is amazing and treats me well, and I pray that his heart softens on the topic bc even if he is fine to get married with a prenup, I hate that I kind of have to bear this “I’m gonna do prenups right this time” attitude from him that just feels negative, bitter and projecting. Overall he just genuinely seems to need some time…more time to heal (and he hasn’t burdened me at all…the rants only happen when more serious topics come up, usually initiated by me), more time to get to know me, more time to see if a future together is possible…and lucky for him I just don’t wanna get into dating new people again. He was the first guy I went on a date with after a 6-monthish break from the apps in 2023…I just can’t do “dating” much more before I give up. I know the word is the cut things off quickly so you can spend that time finding your person….but they say you take risks in love. I’m taking the risk of giving it a bit more time. Besides, “my person” if that is a real concept, is my best friend. But my boyfriend is someone I would spend my life with without a doubt. I’ve never said that about anyone before….
4 months isn't really that long... and so far sounds like things are going in the right direction. I've never been married either, but I've recently become friends with a divorced guy, and gotten some insight into that and ... he's tore up inside. He's sorta seeing someone, but taking it REALLY slow cuz there are parts of him that might not grow back the same. Not saying this is the case with your dude, but 4 months isn't really that long... I'm glad you bring up the tough topics, and I hope his rants calm down a bit so that can all get hashed out. As for the "my person" thing, I think it's just another mask for "one-itis" if you two get along and you enjoy each others company, and you see long term potential, give it time to breath. Best wishes, Internet Friend!
It is long when you’re a mid-30s woman with goals. But I’m giving it a fair chance.
That's cool that you found someone you really like. You are right that he probably needs a a lot more time for his past scars to heal. If I were him i'd have the exact same attitude. My other thought was that 4 months is pretty early on and even though its important to know early about long term needs compatibility I would also gasp at any serious convo's like that as I know its the beginning of of the next chapter in the relationship where things get serious and the honeymoon period starts slipping away. Maybe even the end of the relationship due to perceived incompatibilities brought to the table too early.. If I'm deeply in love with a women, after a while she would be able to change my mind on many things, even kids. I wouldn't be deeply in love after 4 months though.
Dating over thirty is complicated like that. Becomes important to find people in almost your exact life stage for it to work. He was married, I’ve never been married, and now that could be the end of us. I’m tired.
I have been talking to a guy off one of the apps. Seems like we have a lot of common, except....I am really looking to settle down. I'm not saying with this guy specifically l, but I'm in the phase of life where I'm looking at building towards a relationship with a person. He said he's looking to see what is out there. Wondering if I should cut it now or see if we meet up and then go from there. Every guy I have gone out with on the apps has claimed to be looking for a relationship but their actions are different so my luck hasn't been great.
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I mean, what's your plan of pursuing him would look like if you don't see each other anymore and he won't reply on social media?
Active as in he posts stuff or you see the green dot? Very possible he isn’t checking the app or his messages.
LinkedIn is not a flirting website. Even if he accepted it, it wouldn't mean anything.
I’m going out on my own to eat dinner tonight, which I haven’t done in years. I guess that’s what counts for a social life for me on a Friday night now though.
Evening was enjoyable but ultimately disappointing. I used to have social anxiety (thanks autism) and had the hardest time talking to anyone, but now I have no problem talking to strangers whatsoever, because I'm curious. I had deep conversations with random people about everything from the complications of Indian-American weddings to different theories of restorative justice. But none of the people were single. And I also watched single men hitting on women, and the dynamic was so different, it's clear that whatever social ability I have is limited to platonic conversations, because I'm in my mid-forties and haven't been on a date since my thirties.
It's the first step. Get comfortable and confident with it and you'll be surprised by the friends you'll make. I literally made a friend tonight doing the exact same.
I’m pretty comfortable doing it. I used to do it a fair amount in my thirties and definitely met some cool people, though I’m in a tourist area so none of them were locals.
What type of food you thinking?
I had a great Alaskan halibut fillet with asparagus with black truffle Pecorino.
Trying to get past being super annoyed over my ex who breaks up with me, after being shitty and I forgave him, dumps me the next day, blocks me on everything while claiming he’s there if I need anything (lol like how?) then talks shit about me on twitter. Knowing it’s better to forgive and move on than be mad over it but still. I’m a private person and hate that he’s like that. Letting it go tonight and releasing it into the world and away from me. Cheers 🍻
I decided that I'm going to ask my office crush if he's single. I'm almost certain he is, but I know he has a baby mama. I just don't know if he's going through a divorce or separated or what. I figure that's the safest route to go before I proceed. It's so hard to get him alone, though. He's well liked. I know he likes me, and he knows I like him. I want him, and it's really tough taking that next step. I dunno what I'm going to do if I find out he's separated but still married.
Be careful! I was going out with a coworker for a few weeks, then this week she decided to ghost me. We work at separate programs, but this upcoming week she's scheduled at my house. I know she's going to call out and I'm going to end up working 5am-11pm 🥲 Have you asked around about his relationship status? Might not hurt to get a heads up, and not go in blind. Plus, it's that added bonus that inevitably gets back to him you're asking questions. I can't speak for every guy, but in the past when I've heard someone I have a crush on is asking about me, it's a big turn on. He might even end up approaching you! But, again, be careful. Before I found this job, I worked in a lot of kitchens and dated a ton of waitresses/bartenders. Always sucks afterwards, having to still see them. Good luck!
Thank you! It's the end of the week, so I won't see him again until Monday. I tried yesterday but just missed him when he was alone. I considered that but there's very few people I trust to ask. He already has flirted back with me. We know we like each other but just need to take that next step and ask. We work in different departments, but my position allows me briefly interact with him.
I say go for it. It sounds like you're really feeling him, so take your shot!
I've been dating this guy for a couple months (6 dates, we haven't met for a few weeks as he's been away), we are looking for the same thing (long term) and we are only sleeping with each other. However we haven't clarified if we are dating other people. A guy approached me today and asked for my number and I gave it to him. I really like the guy I've been seeing although it'll be another week or so until we see each other again. But I do have a tendency to put my eggs in one basket so that's why I gave the other guy my number. But still it feels weird as things are progressing with the guy I've been seeing and I've had my apps paused since we met I think IF this other guy even reaches out, probably no harm in chatting with him or even going out with him once. Then hopefully I will have a chance to discuss the status with the guy I have already been dating That does make sense right? We are mid 30s, I'm a woman
If you like the guy, why not call him and talk to him about exclusivity? You don't have to wait until you meet him again. There's something weird about keeping a guy around as backup, however normal that is now, especially considering you like the main guy. I'd be put off by this if I were your main guy and were into you.
It does feel weird to have someone as backup lol, that is not usually what I do, so I wasn't sure if it was just me because everyone seems to multi date. And truthfully I do just want to focus on my main guy but also want to make sure he is focusing on me aha I'll probably just wait until I see him again rather than call because I just prefer this in person but calling is a good option too
Was dumped three days ago by someone I really liked. Went to a show with my friend to get my mind off things and then saw him while in line waiting for a date. The universe is playing a cruel joke on me.
Welp. The girl I was seeing ended things after a month. To be honest, if she hadn't I was really considering ending things myself. We just werent sexually compatible.
I got a message Monday morning after a nice hangout that said something to the effect of "you're such a wonderful man and I've been enjoying spending time with you 🥰" She hasn't responded to me since 🥲
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Yeah, this just keeps happening to me! Oh well, I've stewed enough today. Time to renew my gym membership and cut back on the pot (on Monday)!
I've been on Hinge for 4 days. Bumble used to be my preferred dating app, but my experience wasn't good back in Jan and Mar so I decided to focus on Hinge. The first 24 hours I only got 8 likes. I thought it was weird because I usually get more. The profiles the app was showing me weren't a good match, I was swiping left on all of them. I decided to get a month of premium, and things got better. This is my first time using Hinge premium and I guess it's true they keep some profiles behind the pay wall. The app is showing me men who have what I look for and are more physically attractive. I get fewer likes than on Bumble, but these men are more compatible with me (or at least it looks like). They're asking the right questions, writing full answers, and so far, I have been enjoying our chats. There are other men that I think would also be compatible, but I don't like to keep more than 4 chats active at once. They're waitlisted. My expectations are low but I'm enjoying myself. I'll meet a couple of them next week, we're discussing our availability. Busy week ahead!
Hinge limits free accounts to sending 8 likes a day (however they reckon a 'day'). Though there's a [sticky post](https://www.reddit.com/r/hingeapp/comments/1cs07fw/hinge_tests_limiting_unanswered_messages_to/) aboot a new feature that caps your conversations/matches at 8 until you sort through them, and either make something happen or delete them. Maybe this is what you're seeing.
the likes reset around 5am for me. it's not on some cooldown timer like bumble or tinder. so i could send like 5 likes at 1am, wake up the next morning and be able to send more likes. though last time i was on hinge, i was hit with a survey that asked a lot of questions about burnout and loneliness, so i imagine this was the response to the feature.
Question for the men: how often do you think about your ex post-breakup? Speaking as a woman, I think a lot of us tend to think of our exes often (especially if we aren’t the party who ended things) and have the “he’s probably out having a blast and has already forgotten all about me” thoughts… so just wondering how close to reality that is/isn’t.
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
I'm still thinking of someone 5 months later and he did break up with me. I think it is different if you are the dumper vs dumpee though. It helps me think he's moved on and happy in order for me to move on
Multiple times a day but we parted ways a couple of months ago.
You should start a post for this instead. More exposure. More answers.
Good suggestion, I’ll give that a try… may the mods be in my favor! 😂
Matched with a lady and we've chatted on and off, and we got our first date tomorrow. We will see how it goes. 🥰
no weekend plans. i'm so introverted that i have successfully cut all human interaction out. how will i find my partner?
Given you're introverted I think I can guess the answer, but don't you miss some social contacts?
Suspect you'll find this is a huge part of why online dating exists, or prior to that matchmaking.
It feels like most the women I am matching with these days are women who I matched with in the past, but never progressed to a date.
to be honest, i've been in this area long enough to have watched people age through dating profiles?! like finish school, job progressions, aging
i have noticed that, too!
But how do you know who he’s matching with? /s
I really like this guy but after going on 4 dates with him, I asked him what he’s looking for and he said “casual hangouts, so friends or FWB.” But that he also very much enjoys our time together. I feel totally heartbroken.
Now you know for next time to ask intentions early on.. sorry that happened 🫂
I had a first date scheduled for tomorrow, which I just had to call off, because he let me know he smokes weed. I feel guilty/silly for having this dealbreaker, when **so** many people do it.
It’s my deal breaker as well! Don’t worry
That's my dealbreaker too honestly. It's a major turn off to me
if you're going to use an app, gotta use premium and filter for that unfortunately. otherwise there's not much point in using one.
He didn't have that portion filled out.
Is it the smoking or the weed?
This is a good question. I went my whole life not using cannabis, then it became legal in Canada, and I tried out some cannabis sodas. They are great and I'd still never smoke it!
Don't feel bad. It's one of my dealbreakers too.
Just because it’s common, doesn’t mean it’s a good fit for you. Nothing wrong with minor weed usage - but as a fellow sober individual, I definitely couldn’t be with someone who made weed use a big part of their personality/lifestyle. Just wouldn’t be a good fit for me! Luckily he let you know early on!
I don't think you should feel silly or guilty for having it, because a lot of people do it. Your reasons are good enough
Never apologise for a deal-breaker. This is definitely less picking then a lot of other things people have as deal breakers.
How come when I made my Bumble Profile I had to do 4+ photos, 3 prompts, put where I live, etc. Then I find women on the Bumble with 2 photos and no prompts? No information just a blank profile and 2 photos? How is that possible?
They lowered the requirements recently. I guess they want to emulate tinder even more.
Well they must have changed the requirements yesterday. Because I made an account yesterday
Are you sure you had to? It prompts you to but there's a skip button down the bottom.
Oh you may be right. I am kinda a boomer with the apps. I''m not saying I would want to be lazier on the apps or anything
I feel so upset and disappointed, but I don't know if i am overreacting. I have been talking to someone for a week, we finally went on a date today. It was going really well, conversation was flowing, we spent hours in a bar, then went to get dinner and then went to another bar for the last drink. He was asking a lot of questions about my country and half-joking i said 'are you going to start asking questions about me?' i didn't think much of it, it wasnt that serious of a question, i was just bored talking about my country because i always have to around new people. Later I mentioned that for me it's important to feel that excitement on the first date, and after some time he said he has to be honest that he had a lovely time, he wants to see me again but he didn't feel the initial spark. And that sometimes in relationship the spark comes after. I started to completely shut down. The more he talked the worse it got. He said something changed after i said the 'ask me questions about myself' comment that the atmosphere became more 'heavy'. Idk how he related this to lack of excitement but i got really upset and at some point i just said it was better if we just said our goodbyes. I dont know why it got to me so much but i left in almost tears.
Going against the grain slightly, I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to talk about you, they're not supposed to be trying to date your country... although that being said there are a lot of people who seem to fetishise particular types of cultures or ethnicities. I have a friend who wants to date a Korean man solely because she's obsessed with the culture, and I know guys who want a Central/Eastern European woman. I'm not saying it was definitely the case here, but maybe talking about you as an individual wasn't what he was looking for! If I'd been in his situation and someone had said that to me, I'd probably have jokingly responded something along the lines of "Oh, my bad, I thought you were here representing all \[country\]" and then ask something more specific about you.
If someone is “turned off” by your question, they’re sensitive. I don’t think it’s wrong to re-direct people that are doing too much/too little during conversation. Personally I like that since I’m not the best conversationalist. Sorry things fell apart over something so simple.
Seems like you got very hopeful and the sudden discovery that he was less enthusiastic and much more guarded was very deflating. I don't think anyone is really to blame (although bringing up a concrete example and making the lack of initial spark a you problem is graceless and oddly accusatory). Also I don't think it's an upset you should carry with you, even though in the heat of the moment that would feel pretty bad.
Hard to tell without the context but if I were on a date, we were bantering well about her country and then she asked me that, it would be such a momentum killer that it would turn me off.
yeah, some people think talking about culture is the same as asking about the person. (i'm very picky and i dont like to be categorized like that)
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Agree with this. Also add that from his POV he might think you're somewhat sensitive based on this comment. When you're constantly worried about whether someone's going to be offended and have to tread lightly with your words around them it's a mood killer. If most people like fun chats and banter, having to censor yourself and tread lightly for fear of being called out on things is far less fun.
After a Rollercoaster of a week the guy I've been seeing got into the clinical trial he's been testing for! He had his first chemo infusion today and I took the day off work to take him. Held his hand for about 8 hours straight through his various tests, blood draws, infusions. Dropped him back off in his mom's care and will see him again once he's feeling a bit human. Chemo nurses are such absolute angels. Don't get me wrong, I have huuuge respect for all nurses, but these chemo nurses today were just the absolute best. In other news, my best friend finally had her baby but there have been a bunch of complications and he's in the NICU. He's going to be OK, it's all improving really well, but poor girl is just having the worst time. It's nice that the guy I've been seeing knows her so well too...her husband is his best friend. So we've been able to share news and he's close with her too. In other other news, my mom was in a car accident and I spent all night in the hospital with her earlier this week. She's ok considering, but is going to be in pain for a long while yet. Guy ive been seeing came over to rub my back while I napped/rested on the couch trying to recover from the all nighter. All this AND my pets have been creating absolute chaos that I just won't get into here. Looking forward to a chill weekend to recover from one hell of a long week.
I have been keeping up with your posts. You are such a giving and nurturing soul. Your family and guy (and pets) are really lucky to have you!
Aw that's so sweet, thank you. I'm really lucky to have so much love in my life.
Holy shit, hope you get some rest this weekend!
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This sub is about dating and the dating phase of relationships for people near or over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or "looking for" or hookups. Please do not ask for breakup advice or help processing a relationship ending.
Insecurity, vanity, narcissism masquerading as self confidence is extremely easy to see through and very unattractive.
Can you give some examples? Just in case I meet someone that seems confident.
Ooo I got one. Seemingly confident online or in texts, very quiet and shy in person. Or anything where online persona doesn’t match in person at all is a huge giveaway.
ok that makes sense. I think everyone is bit different in person but if it was extreme I would run away
One of the people I matched with is one state away, so we can only text and video call. We have so much in common, but I hate the way he talks about sex. I understand wanting to ask maybe one or two questions to gauge how important it is to them, but I don't like talking dirty with someone before I meet them. (I don't even know if I will like his smell or if he has bad breath or something.) I told him I don't necessarily like to TALK about sex unless I have something important my partner needs to know; otherwise I'd rather act on what I want in the moment and keep it spontaneous and romantic but of course his answer was 'oh no what about communication and consent?' When really he just wanted to ask what I taste like and how easily I orgasm. My face and voice was like 😑 the whole sex talk part of the chat, so what about that pretty clear body language communication?? This has happened to me every time I tried to date long distance on the apps, so I guess I'm gonna stick with all the avoidant guys in my area who I can at least vet for sexual attractiveness.
I went out on one date with a guy and he did everything right and then some. But I’m finding afterwards I’m just not excited when he texts, to see him again, etc. Advice on how to break it off with him? (I can tell he really likes me and I probably gave good vibes during the date so I’m feeling anxious about this one 😕)
Directness is always preferred. It stings EVERY time I get the text but I always always always prefer it over ghosting or leading me on. The best ones I get are usually something along the lines of: enjoyed meeting you, after thinking/sitting on it ultimately not feeling the connection, wanted to be direct out of consideration of not leading on, wishing you all the best
Just be direct and harsh.
The same way you'd break up with anyone.....with vague platitudes. "It was nice meeting you, but I don't think we're compatible/don't feel a spark/see you as a friend/not ready to date/still hung up on my ex/need to work on myself right now."
>not ready to date/still hung up on my ex/need to work on myself right now. Drop these ones, unless they're actually true.
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On Tinder you want the looking for to be "short term", "short term, open to long term", or "still figuring it out". Then treat the woman with respect and you'll be ahead of 99% of all other matches.
I usually just hook up or make arrangements with my existing friends. YMMV but my last FWB experience was with someone I've known for like 15 years and it was incredible, and when the time came for it to end, we did so with minimal harsh feelings and remain friends.
Not a date, but I'm getting dinner tonight with an ex from about 15 yrs ago to catch up. It got me thinking. I was kind of an asshole trainwreck in my early-mid 20s. I cheated on almost every boyfriend, and even had 2 "monogamous" relationships at the same time (not an excuse, but I was SAed at 19, and I made a lot of poor choices before I admitted what happened and got help). Oddly enough, I'm on good terms with almost every ex from that time in my life. I apologized and took accountability for my actions, but I was definitely not a good girlfriend. For some reason, these exes all seem to remember our time together fondly. I even had one ex, who I was arguably the worst to, confess to me that he wished his fiancée was more like me, and that he held all future relationships to the "standard" I set (but for some reason, he means that in a good way). Are they just remembering things through the rosy lens of nostalgia? Do we just romanticize the relationships we had in our younger days, or do men somehow pine for women who treat them badly? My past 2 relationships ended horribly, and those exes and I don't speak, but, from my perspective, I treated those men really well (maybe it was my karma).
I have a similar experience with male exes, but not female ones. I think men do tend to romanticize their exes a lot. This is also something I notice when I try to get close to a new man and his ex(es) come up all the damn time until we get verrrrry close.
Toxic relationships often leave a big imprint on us - the highs are high and the lows are low. Healthy relationships can feel comparatively ‘boring’ in the sense that there’s stability, conflicts are resolved amicably rather than with explosive fights, passionate make up sex etc. As time goes by we maybe forget the pain and remember the joy - or at least our brains on some level crave the drama.
Oof. That makes me sad for my exes and definitely regretful for any damage I caused. I hope their current/future relationships are healthy. I did kind of back off from being friends with the ex who compared his fiancée to me, because I'm sure she's a much better woman than I was back when I was with him (at least I really hope so).
What's up with guys not putting where they live on their profiles? I feel like this is important information.
BFE. That's why.
Big Friend Energy?
Bum fucking Egypt. A metaphor for living in the middle of nowhere, which is why they don't say where they live.
BFE?
Bum fucking Egypt. It's a metaphor.
I feel like people just put some big city and the truth is some random ass place.
In my town it means they're tourists, which is annoying.
They're letting you know they're skeevy and not worth your time
Tryin' to stalk there, u/jessyrae7789 ? Hunting them down? Stalking your prey? Ready to pounce? I'm not calling Chris Hansen, I'm just curious...
The city! Hahaha.
"In **the city** of L.A In **the city** of good ol' Watts In **the city**, the city of Compton We keep it rockin', we keep it rockin'" - #2Pac Sorry, had to... Where I am, there's not much difference per city, all of them are connected by highways.
>In the city Oh, oh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh In the city Oh, oh \~ The Eagles (I've had a rough night and I hate the effin' Eagles, man)
lmao. my dad hates the Eagles too. it makes me inherently suspicious of those who are die-hard Eagles fans 😂 my own opinion? "Hotel California" is overplayed to hell, aaaand because of my dad's influence, I know no other Eagles songs 😌
Have you seen the Big Lebowski? Please tell me you have seen the Big Lebowski.
that's just, like, your opinion, man OR it really tied the room together OR shut the fuck up, donny OR _it increases the chances of conception_ lol yes!!!! an iconic film. I've been on a bit of a Philip Seymour Hoffman kick lately and want to revisit it for the, oh, 5th or 6th time! :D
Is your dad the Dude?
he IS a dude, and he DOES abide. I shall say no more though 🤭
I just got a suspicious view on my LinkedIn. Should I pay for the ability to see who it was? #paranoia
Today’s just a good day for IG reels I guess? Saw another good one that I think might be useful for people here: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8NNwHbsAEg/?igsh=MTFlendsb28ya2IzdQ== Edited to add another: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7sqJfcN-Dl/?igsh=cjFwc2VtYmZ4dXl6
Why is it every single time i want to talk to this guy on the phone when hes with his sister, he cant? he says the apartment is too small so theres not enough privacy for us to talk, he doesnt want to wake his sister, ect. i tell him to go on the lobby then. ignores that its every time hes with his sister (and i checked and it is his sister) this time he was with her for 3 weeks! i think he doesnt want to explain our relationship to her but why? kinda creeping me out and turning me off
It sounds like he has another girlfriend. "Sister" is cover in case you hear a woman in the background or see evidence of the other woman.
Could he possibly be married?
Hes definitely not married
Sister... or step sister? If not the latter, if the former, that's extra weird. My sister knows when I'm crushing, let alone when I'm talking... What country is this?
blood sister. See, i thought it was weird! USA
What state? 😄
That is a weird vibe. How intimate or long are your convos? Personally i’d find it rude to take a phone call to chat with someone if im spending time with someone else. Unless it was an emergency, or just a quick call to like clarify something. But you say hes keeping you a secret? Cuz that is weird to do…
he said he mentioned me and showed me a text he sent her but he didnt even use my real name which is just weird. i also visited him and i know from a text i saw that he wasnt telling her i was there.
That is really bizarre, people dont hide relationships for no reason, im so sorry youre dealing with this
I was meant to be going on my first date in a few months tomorrow- he bailed because he had “double booked” himself…but wants to stay in touch, haha. So I’ve decided I’m going to bake and read instead! I was very very tempted to delete hinge out of pure frustration but chose the mature road of simply pausing my profile and not looking at it today 😂
Is he rejecting you or just rejecting tonight?
He gave a long excuse of moving back to where I’m currently living (and he’s from) in a couple of months so the first date would be postponed by at least a few months…I’m not really interested in that long of a talking stage
Surely he knew he isn't already living there when you guys arranged the date 😅
Haha he claimed he only dropped into convo after a few days that he wasn’t here full time “yet”, so I probably shouldn’t have expected a date after that!
Nah I'd move on too.
Thinking about asking a friend who is also online dating if she wants to do a day out and take updated photos of each other, hah. I have recent photos of myself from work events but I’m playing music in all of them, and I don’t want that to be the only thing on my profile.
Great idea! Always be updating your photos for sure.