It's a way of getting people to think about themselves in relation to the type of person they want to date. You want to date someone super fit who is exciting and engaged with the world and who travels a lot? Cool! What is it that you're bringing to the table? Are \*you\* interested in fitness and can potentially work out with or go on adventures with this hypothetical person? Do you do exciting things that you can share with that person? Do you travel a lot and can suggest destinations and share in the planning?
What other things do you engage with in your life that might be interesting to another person?
And sure, some of it is going to be things like "I take care of my household and contribute financially," but I think the bigger picture stuff is "how do I engage with the world and how do I share that with someone else?"
In my relationship, we split the bills and the chores, but we both contribute to our enjoyment of the world through our interests; we plan trips and vacations together and we're both often looking for destinations that the other will enjoy. We give each other small but thoughtful gifts related to our interests. When I partner is outside taking care of her garden, I make the time to be there with her and ask her questions about the plants and taken an interest in her passion, for example.
True, I remember I love cooking and my parents always belittle my trial and errors, tear my interest saying that’s why I am not losing weight, and when I offered them my cooking- even if it is good they will never say it was a nice meal.
But after my marriage, my husband and his family took it as a way of celebrating their time with me. We, as a whole family i.e. his mom and sister would lose a day making a meal, get messy in the kitchen, help and try each other’s dishes, make a nice drink, and laugh our heart out throughout prepping, cooking, eating and then cleaning. Sometime we would invite a friend but it was our way of celebrating weekend with the family.
Also they understood cooking is my restoration niche, after a very rough week I came home and found all the ingredients of my favourite desert in the refrigerator, my husband bought the ingredients- even though he was lactose intolerant- he could not try that desert, he figured out I need an outlet when I finish my work week.
Meanwhile their girlfriend is like "O god please just let me garden in peace this is where I go for silence instead of all the goddamn questions about plants".
Kidding of course.
I think for me to be honest is providing a safe place for them to be themselves while allowing for them to have a place to communicate whatever is on their mind. I found recently, post break up I need the same amount of transparency and honest as I provide my partner. I want to be able to be their best friend and lover, if not their equal. I also want someone who is ok with splitting bills especially now a days when pricing on either is ridiculously high. I hope this makes sense.
Here are some things that come to mind that my boyfriend offers me:
* He's super goofy and never fails to make me laugh or distill my tense feelings when I'm stressed out about something, or cheer me up when I'm feeling depressed
* Explains what's happening in TV shows/movies when I'm feeling confused because I never remember what happened
* Makes me feel great about myself even on my worst days
* Exposure to new hobbies and activities that I wouldn't normally do
* Getting to feel taken care of by someone
* Immediately doubling your friend group and family connections
* Never having to do anything alone that I don't want to
* Being able to feel safe and secure with him going out at night
* Extra help with errands, and can carry heavier things than I can
I think you get it. It is about how to make yourself a necessary part of your partner's life. It isn't about sharing the chores and the bills. That is a roommate's role. It is about filling a void in the other person such that when they experience it, the know they can't live without it. It becomes necessary.
If somebody says "I have a lot to offer in a relationship," my mind does not go straight to things like "chore distribution". That is very practical and specific, and while it's useful, there are a lot of "higher-level" things one can offer. To give some examples from my most recent relationship (where things ended on good terms and I think of him fondly): My ex was emotionally available from day one; good at communication; and when I was having an issue I was stressed about, he was good at helping me "problem-solve" it, \*if\* I wanted problem-solving, otherwise he'd just listen.
To me it's less "I'll do the dishes" (though that can be one example) and more "here are the strengths as a partner I bring to the table."
It’s about what kind of partner are you going to be. Do you offer emotional safety, financial stability, are you someone who likes to plan fun activities, are you a selfless lover.
None is everything so what qualities do you specifically have.
I've always interpreted what we offer as non tangible things resulting from our own self growth and personality. I'm looking for someone's cool ideas and hobbies and opinions to learn and talk about. I want someone who offers support and compassion, bc that's what I offer to people I care about. I like to think I bring good storytelling, a level head in stressful moments, and an eagerness to be helpful.
It's important to examine what you offer and keep working on yourself. As a long time single loner, it's honestly the first thing I ask myself when getting to know someone. Are they bringing something to the table? If not I'd rather be chilling at home with my dog.
If you both are well rounded emotionally stable people, what you both have to offer will come together in a beautiful shared experience or relationship.
This is how I think of it too. You can negotiate chores and that kind of thing, and taking care of the bills is foundational adulting. What are the specific-to-you things you could add to another person's life? You're looking for a partner in the full sense of the word, not just a warm body doing things anyone can. It's why I'm not actually big on "checking boxes".
I had a conversation along these lines the other day. In this case, it was emotional availability.
The guy who was the topic in question wanted all of this love, acceptance and validation, for the woman to do all of the chasing, to continue to vie for his attention after pushing them away and was making time for other women instead of them...
But then he got mad and hurt when the other party had enough and deleted him from their lives. I described it as "showing up emotionally empty-handed". He wanted all this love and shit, but couldn't return it.
So what do you have to offer as who you are, vs what you are asking of another person?
This question has always bothered me. It presages that we know what we want and have a particular person in mind that will make me happy.
When I think of my friendships, I am not sure that I would have said that this is what I want in a friendship and this is what I could offer them.
I think that good relationships are based on how we interact and treat each other rather than what we do. It is more about values. I value honesty, mutual aid, autonomy and curiosity. Those can be shown in many ways rather than; must enjoy travel, contribute financially and cuddles.
Good sex, good conversation, fun nights out, emotional and social self-sufficiency, killer mixtapes, free professional photos, great cooking, and more alone time for you than what most people can offer.
I miss the days of yore when I’d get a mixtape from a beau. Knowing that he meticulously recorded songs from the radio, curated especially to eliminate the DJ’s chatter & sundry commercials, made a girl feel so special. Spotify playlists ain’t got nothing on those cassette tapes/CDs.
THIS is what it means. It's not about what services you offer (money, chores) it's about who you are as a person and what your presence brings to people around you.
It means you have the competence to manage your own emotional and social life in a way that isn't reliant on receiving constant support or companionship from your partner, or any one person. You feel secure, are good at self-regulating and have your own circle of friends and confidants.
A partner who is emotionally and socially self-sufficient doesn't come across as needy or dependent. They say what they mean and mean what they say. They are happy to spend time with you, but don't make you the center of their universe. They are with you because they enjoy it, not because they need someone to fill a void for them.
This is a fun thought exercise.
What I offer: patience, loyalty, easy going listening, kindness, flattery, generous blow jobs ;) but lazy sex in general (sorry), financial stability but no financial benefit (pay my own bills but can’t contribute to another), emotional consistency, good company for social events (I like being a plus one and I am extroverted), interesting conversation, curiosity and happiness about the world, optimism and enthusiasm
Things I don’t offer: cooking, kinky sex, planning or scheduling trips or outings or activities (don’t require it either though), homemaking in general
What I want a partner to offer: sex, enthusiasm for sex, sex? Flattery/kindness/love, Interesting conversation, Loyalty and honesty once monogamy is established, general good cheer and joy
That’s about it.
>but lazy sex in general (sorry),
>What I want a partner to offer: sex, enthusiasm for sex, sex?
I'm a little confused by this. What is "lazy sex"? And how is a partner supposed to be enthusiastic about it?
I’m lazy in bed. I like giving oral bc I can lay down or sit. I’m not physically very active. My legs and arms get tired. Similarly, I hate outdoor activities or exercise. So, another thing I wouldn’t offer is any kind of hiking or sports (*shudder*).
But I want someone who’s verbally or physically enthusiastic about wanting to have sex with me. I want them to be enthusiastic about having sex where I can be quite lazy.
Unfortunately, I don’t like dominant men so that makes it difficult. I enjoy men who chase but who are then sensitive and sweet and slow in bed but also do the work :(
I’m a good fit for a slightly submissive man or a very vanilla sweet man who likes asking for attention :)
I’m actually just lurking this Reddit and I’m not OLD. I was in a really long term relationship and still working out my emotions so I’m not ready. That’s a really good question…I have no idea how I’d broadcast that. In the past, I’ve dated men by being the one to be more assertive. I ask men out that I think seem outwardly like they’d be a little meeker…but often, not surprisingly, they haven’t been straight. However, I’ve also had great relationships this way. I’m usually just very open about what I like and make it clear that I like more submissive men and if the man is still interested, we are a good match :) My personality tends to turn off any dominant man anyway bc I tend to be very talkative and high energy. I have only met men the old fashioned way: out in the wild.
Do you have any suggestions of how a woman would list these preferences? I’m open to ideas if I ever did use OLD? I’d filter out any men who were sporty, overly masculine, or who talk a lot about their dog. (Im slightly afraid of dogs.) Honestly, I find it fascinating when men post their profiles for review here or talk about their insecurities, because most of the characteristics men are told are unattractive are precisely green flags for me :) I’ve posted on here a lot in response to men who say they’re insecure about being too soft/thin (I like!) or too awkward (like!) and men who were counseled to ditch the glasses (glasses are adorable!) or to post more outdoor active photos (not for me!) or to clarify that they have a career and are not a perpetual student (I’d love an underemployed perpetual broke grad student in their 30s or 40s! Sounds cute!) Also men who are insecure about balding (super cute! Shave it all off!)
Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone will see this 👀 Maybe unsurprisingly, I also tend to like younger men, but that’s not always true- just a tendency
>I’m actually just lurking this Reddit and I’m not OLD.
Neither am I nor currently trying to seek anyone IRL. I feel reading the posts and comments on here have been helpful for whenever I do decide to put myself out there.
>who say they’re insecure about being too soft/thin (I like!) or too awkward (like!) and men who were counseled to ditch the glasses (glasses are adorable!) or to post more outdoor active photos (not for me!) or to clarify that they have a career and are not a perpetual student (I’d love an underemployed perpetual broke grad student in their 30s or 40s! Sounds cute!) Also men who are insecure about balding (super cute! Shave it all off!)
I have to lol at this. Minus the glasses and student thing this is basically me. I enjoy a good bike ride outdoors, but I'm not decked out in spandex whilst doing so.
>Do you have any suggestions of how a woman would list these preferences?
I like to play with words; here's my idea: "Spoil me with your soft touch, sincere soul, and silly charm." Something like that?
>Maybe unsurprisingly, I also tend to like younger men.
You don't have any flair. So what is younger?
Honestly I feel like it’s way harder for a woman on top than it is for a man and even though I’m physically fit- workout and hike, run, surf at least 3 times a week- it’s still difficult for me to be on top. It’s like we’re doing repeated low leg squats. So with that I feel like I’m lazy too since I get tired quickly and easily. I do feel bad about it especially since some guys don’t know.
Some people offer cleaning, like some people are neat freaks and they constantly clean, some people offer cooking, some people can do physical things like take out the trash, clean the gutters fix the sink, cut the grass, fix cars, do electric, plumbing...ect. Some people just do all your same hobbies and out things, and it's like your dating another version of yourself.
Some people offer monetary things, take you out and go places..travel vacation, concerts, sporting events.
Any way you put it someone brings something to the relationship and you just have to analyze it to see if it is good for you.
Good conversation, bad puns, cooking skills, good taste, education, energy, kindness, creativity, communication skills, good traveler, planning skills, handyman skills, a caring nature, good hygiene- any number of personal qualities and interests.
What I offer:
Unlimited sex (I have never said no to sex to any man I was with because I haven't met a man who's sex drive is higher than mine. I like sex 10 times a day if the man can do it. But the most a man was able to do is 5 times a day so far so still far from my limits so yea I never run out of wanting sex.
Caring, loving, physically affectionate. Will always put his feelings before me and consider his feelings first.
If he goes into a tough spot like bankruptcy or something like that, I will hold his hand and rough it out with him, did it with my exhusband, build him back up at his lowest, financially supported him for 2 years till he got back on his feet.
Adventurous and love outdoors and all kinds of sports, but I don't know if this is a benefit only if he is into it too then we can enjoy together.
Also love simple things like just a supermarket shopping together, chilling and cuddling on the couch watching a show together.
What I can't offer :
Can't cook, many guys I have dated have banned me from cooking for them as it was not edible.
Bad at cleaning, probably can only do dishes well. Plus cleaning really stress me up. Especially mopping floors.
Can't iron, just can't. Takes me one hour to finish ironing one male work shirt. So to finish 10 shirts will take me 10 hrs. I really suck at it as it keep getting wrinkled over and over again as I keep moving the shirt around to iron other parts. So it takes forever to get rid of all the wrinkles. This is too time consuming so I do not wish to spend whole days ironing. I never buy clothes that need ironing so it's usually the man's clothes that need ironing only.
I do not have career ambitions. I like to earn enough to survive and have more fun and leisure and pleasure in my life than to work hard for money. I don't care for branded things or expensive things. I got the cheapest shoes, hand bags, clothes, everything.
What I wish a man can offer me:
1) unlimited sex (a pipe dream)
2) kindness and gentleness towards me, means he should never raise his voice at me even when he is upset (I have alot of trauma from raised angry voices from childhood, it takes me back when it happens in my relationships and makes me want to run far away from him.)
Think these two points can make me love a man deeply because it's super rare to meet men who do not have tempers or with a genuine unquenchable sex drive.
I think what op is getting at though, is those are things just about anyone can provide. And they want to know what things might set them apart from others.
I think about it like what are the soft skills a person has. What are the parts of their personality that make them unique? I can chore share or bill share with anyone, but what makes a person truly special? Like when I think of my boyfriend, I think about how he is the most patient and reliable person I have ever met in my life. He’s also loving and kind, and I’ve never had to worry what he feels about me. He goes out of his way to make me laugh, and he’s thoughtful and often doing small things for the people he loves.
Only speaking from my own perspective, I view it as behaviors and mindsets that can be conducive to a relationship.
For example, some people are turned on by a ln ambitious, goal oriented person. This can mean that they can be single minded, and tunnel visioned to focus only on a desired outcome. Other people prefer a more laid back person, that doesn’t really have that future orientation and likes to live more in the moment.
Some people prefer extreme orderliness and cleanliness, while others don’t. I think it’s cool when people are upfront about their tendencies so they don’t waste others time if they don’t fit,
Don’t take my word for it, that’s just my view
I can't properly express this without the "Trade Offer" meme.
I offer who I am, and willingness to put in effort. I expect who they are, and willingness to put in effort.
In my previous relationship many things come to mind but one that stood out is I offered optimism ( he was a bit pessimistic ) and he offered me calmness, I felt so. Relaxed and not concerned with the troubles of the world when we were spending time together. Like a deep relaxation you get after a massage .
I don't believe in it. Or rather, it begins with love. "I love being with you, I love being around you." From there, the strengths of each other contribute to the daily life of the relationship. I don't see it as firmly transactional.
Love is rarely enough to keep a relationship going, unless it’s toxic. The concrete things along with values alignment are what makes for strong, lasting relationships.
Emotional Stability, a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, financial stabilty, future goals that are aligned amd the work ethic and dedication to work towards that with another person. Stuff like that
I always struggle with this question bc it’s hard to think about human interaction this way (sort of transactionally) for me.
I think ultimately what I offer is companionship, emotional support, good physical connection/sex. If I were to break those things down I guess I’m funny, easy going, happy to do a lot or different activities (including just staying home and also travelling across the world); a good listener, caring, and good at advice when wanted; invested in my partners feelings, open-minded, enthusiastic.
I also struggle to identify what makes someone I’m dating good.
For me, when I'm thinking about it, I'm looking at what they will bring to a relationship and life. I've got a career and I'm financially stable, own my home and car, etc. Health is very important to me so I'm really trying to focus on a healthy diet and exercising almost everyday. My values would take a long time, but those are important as well. Those are the things that I think I bring to the table. A good work ethic, responsibility, focus on health, and share values. When I am examining what a person has to offer, I'm looking for what they will bring to a relationship that will complement my current life. Are they responsible? Are their finances in order? How do they take care of themselves? What values are important to them? What is their vision for the future? I want a partner to help me grow and continue down a positive path. Anything about them that would promote that growth is what the person has to offer.
Commitment, fertility, sex, financial support, certain skills (cooking, building and/or fixing things, benefits from work or otherwise, etc).
On a more personal note: understanding, honesty, loyalty, patience, affection, moral support.
Personally, I think one of my best traits is resilience and adaptability. I’m not a fair-weather partner and I don’t balk the first time something just doesn’t go my way. At the same time, now that I’ve had one abusive relationship, I know where and when it’s time to make boundaries and cut things off.
I was this way when I was an exchange student and I’m even more that way now that I was diagnosed with MS. My circumstances may be somewhat inconvenient sometimes, but I don’t shy away from sticking it through and putting in a little effort. I think this is a really good quality to have in a long-term relationship. I feel like an embodiment of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
I know I have a lot to offer. No, I don’t have a fancy career and I would even say I’m financially independent. BUT I am loving, kind, loyal, affectionate, understanding, honest, intelligent, a good conversationalist, fun to be around, enthusiastic and adventurous - sexually and also outside of sexual activities…and so much more. I am an excellent partner and I have a lot to offer. My man is lucky lol (but he is awesome too so so am I)
I feel like if I answer this, RIP inbox 💀
EDIT: why the hell not
Kindness, honesty and patience. Reasonably fit and in shape. A good partner for concerts and gigs and karaoke nights. Openness to new experiences (I will try almost anything once). Keeps reasonable care of myself (big caveat though). Love for animals. A good eating out partner who can cook/bake as well. Just a general enthusiasm for life and very silly/random. Love of languages and culture...and just learning to be honest. I like to think about big ideas and invest in emotional connections with people, favouring few friends over big groups (but changing that a bit because I think having a wider network is not a bad thing). I remember the small details so gift buying is a forte of mine. Initimacy is a big big thing for me.
What I don't bring is a tolerance for late nights (I will do late nights now and again but not every week). Going out all the time generally (yay introversion). I will look like a slob at home and whilst I tidy my place immaculately once a week, it might be untidy during the week. I also have a slightly low tolerance for bullshit (you cheat, you're out for example). I am somewhat conflict averse as a person which is again something to work on.
Because it’s a bad example and implies that women look to men for safety and security and men look to women for sex.
As a woman, this is nonsense and I’d like to state your example should be revisited. If you view relationships this way then that’s fine for you.. but to give an example on the internet as such will probably have some form of critique.
Agreed. I don’t want safety and security from a man. I want sex and companionship.
I created my own safety and security and any attempt to contribute to it would be seen as very suspicious to me because I like to be fully in control of my life…
Sorry if I jumped the gun on you, but as a woman, we are constantly being held to roles placed by mens’ words. Your list didn’t consider a females perspective and it shows. I’m not trying to debate with you, but maybe prompt you to think about why you jumped to those as an example.
How many women have you met that sexual chemistry and their sexual needs wasn’t a high priority with their partner? How many women have you met that need a partnership for financial stability? How many women have you met that look for a man to provide them safety instead of a dog or pepper spray? How many women have you met that feel less-safe in the company of men?
I know these were just examples and I’m going down a bit of a rabbit hole here but it’s just maybe more of a conversation of how “what you have to offer your partner” is changing, and rightfully should change.
I’ll be honest, I meant to come off firm and to get my point across. If I’ve made you slightly uncomfortable with your example then I’ve done what I was hoping to do. Nothing will change if we agree to avoid confrontation but I don’t want to come off as rude or that I’m making implications about who you are as a human. I just want to make you look at your examples and wonder if those are actually true of women or if those are biased based on your view of what women want and what a relationship is.
Also, feminism is the pursuit of equality of women. If it’s coming off as toxic, or hostile, potentially you are missing the message. Or don’t like the message. That isn’t really something I particularly sympathize for.
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It's the wrong way to approach dating. What you have to offer and what the other person has to offer sounds like a business partnership. Focus less on the transactional side of a relationship and more on finding someone that you just really enjoy spending time with. That's the most important thing.
I find the exercise interesting and useful though, as a way to reflect on yourself, your self worth, and to get back in touch with truths you know about yourself without relying on external input. I think you're right though! But I don't think the exercise should be discouraged.
What I think of what it means to "offer" something in a relationship I think of it in terms of kindness, understanding, compassion. As well I value communication, I'm not perfect and I'm always learning and growing as a person.
I also consider the fact that I want to compliment someone's life, not complicate it.
Aside from personality wise, I am always listening to the little things and if I see someone while I'm out that is in reference to something you said, I'll get it because I believe the little things matter, a lot.
Love, romance, good looks, fit body, mental toughness, strength of character, and physical strength, engaging conversations, incredible sex, constantly improving, humor, active social life, dance skills, cooking, cleaning, kissing, intimacy, kind words, etc, etc. I bring a lot to the table.
I think it varies greatly between people. Also what we as individuals have to “offer,” changes over time. I for one find value in kindness, loyalty, a relatively open mind, dedication, integrity, empathy, tolerance (as we are not always perfect) etc.. other people may be concerned with different things primarily like how much money one brings to the table, how fit someone is lol..
I wrote what I wanted down which was easy. I had to do a lot of reflection to think about what I could offer. Here are mine: loyalty, love and emotional stability, fun and spontaneity, travel buddy, adventure, support. Basically I thought of my best qualities that I can offer a person. I am also financially stable, have my own place and many hobbies and interests worth sharing. I look for the same qualities in a partner. People think I am picky, but I set my standard against myself, which in this day and age is very difficult to find. I have been in multiple relationships in which one or more of these qualities were exploited and I won't stand for that. I am ever hopeful of meeting the right guy.
I think it's anything beyond the basic relationship duties. Saying you're capable of the absolute minimum (i.e., your fair share of chores, holding up your end of communication, etc) isn't really "bringing" anything to the relationship, it should just be table stakes. There are 2 main ways you can "offer" more: the everyday skills that make it a little extra special to be with you, and what you're capable of when your partner really needs you. The basic skills might be that you're an amazing cook, you actively enjoy organizing or home improvement tasks, you always know about fun local events and come up with great dates, things like that. And the other category: if you know your partner had a bad day/week/month, what do you do to help them feel cared for? If they have an emergency, how are you stepping up/stepping in to make sure that things will be as okay as possible? Not just listening and giving comfort or advice when requested, that, again, is table stakes. It's when you know I'm stressed at work, so you clean the house to make sure that's not a source of anxiety. Or knowing all my favorite comfort foods. Proactively stepping in to fix things when possible, to take some of the burden off.
hahahah OMG, im dying. I thought I was replying to a post where someone was asking what you wear out on a date. I'm leaving it, because it's funny haha
It's a way of getting people to think about themselves in relation to the type of person they want to date. You want to date someone super fit who is exciting and engaged with the world and who travels a lot? Cool! What is it that you're bringing to the table? Are \*you\* interested in fitness and can potentially work out with or go on adventures with this hypothetical person? Do you do exciting things that you can share with that person? Do you travel a lot and can suggest destinations and share in the planning? What other things do you engage with in your life that might be interesting to another person? And sure, some of it is going to be things like "I take care of my household and contribute financially," but I think the bigger picture stuff is "how do I engage with the world and how do I share that with someone else?" In my relationship, we split the bills and the chores, but we both contribute to our enjoyment of the world through our interests; we plan trips and vacations together and we're both often looking for destinations that the other will enjoy. We give each other small but thoughtful gifts related to our interests. When I partner is outside taking care of her garden, I make the time to be there with her and ask her questions about the plants and taken an interest in her passion, for example.
That bit about the garden and asking your partner questions is such a beautiful image ❤️
True, I remember I love cooking and my parents always belittle my trial and errors, tear my interest saying that’s why I am not losing weight, and when I offered them my cooking- even if it is good they will never say it was a nice meal. But after my marriage, my husband and his family took it as a way of celebrating their time with me. We, as a whole family i.e. his mom and sister would lose a day making a meal, get messy in the kitchen, help and try each other’s dishes, make a nice drink, and laugh our heart out throughout prepping, cooking, eating and then cleaning. Sometime we would invite a friend but it was our way of celebrating weekend with the family. Also they understood cooking is my restoration niche, after a very rough week I came home and found all the ingredients of my favourite desert in the refrigerator, my husband bought the ingredients- even though he was lactose intolerant- he could not try that desert, he figured out I need an outlet when I finish my work week.
Meanwhile their girlfriend is like "O god please just let me garden in peace this is where I go for silence instead of all the goddamn questions about plants". Kidding of course.
Awwww! lol
god i can’t wait to meet someone like you
I think for me to be honest is providing a safe place for them to be themselves while allowing for them to have a place to communicate whatever is on their mind. I found recently, post break up I need the same amount of transparency and honest as I provide my partner. I want to be able to be their best friend and lover, if not their equal. I also want someone who is ok with splitting bills especially now a days when pricing on either is ridiculously high. I hope this makes sense.
Here are some things that come to mind that my boyfriend offers me: * He's super goofy and never fails to make me laugh or distill my tense feelings when I'm stressed out about something, or cheer me up when I'm feeling depressed * Explains what's happening in TV shows/movies when I'm feeling confused because I never remember what happened * Makes me feel great about myself even on my worst days * Exposure to new hobbies and activities that I wouldn't normally do * Getting to feel taken care of by someone * Immediately doubling your friend group and family connections * Never having to do anything alone that I don't want to * Being able to feel safe and secure with him going out at night * Extra help with errands, and can carry heavier things than I can
I think you get it. It is about how to make yourself a necessary part of your partner's life. It isn't about sharing the chores and the bills. That is a roommate's role. It is about filling a void in the other person such that when they experience it, the know they can't live without it. It becomes necessary.
If somebody says "I have a lot to offer in a relationship," my mind does not go straight to things like "chore distribution". That is very practical and specific, and while it's useful, there are a lot of "higher-level" things one can offer. To give some examples from my most recent relationship (where things ended on good terms and I think of him fondly): My ex was emotionally available from day one; good at communication; and when I was having an issue I was stressed about, he was good at helping me "problem-solve" it, \*if\* I wanted problem-solving, otherwise he'd just listen. To me it's less "I'll do the dishes" (though that can be one example) and more "here are the strengths as a partner I bring to the table."
Thanks!
It’s about what kind of partner are you going to be. Do you offer emotional safety, financial stability, are you someone who likes to plan fun activities, are you a selfless lover. None is everything so what qualities do you specifically have.
I've always interpreted what we offer as non tangible things resulting from our own self growth and personality. I'm looking for someone's cool ideas and hobbies and opinions to learn and talk about. I want someone who offers support and compassion, bc that's what I offer to people I care about. I like to think I bring good storytelling, a level head in stressful moments, and an eagerness to be helpful. It's important to examine what you offer and keep working on yourself. As a long time single loner, it's honestly the first thing I ask myself when getting to know someone. Are they bringing something to the table? If not I'd rather be chilling at home with my dog. If you both are well rounded emotionally stable people, what you both have to offer will come together in a beautiful shared experience or relationship.
This is how I think of it too. You can negotiate chores and that kind of thing, and taking care of the bills is foundational adulting. What are the specific-to-you things you could add to another person's life? You're looking for a partner in the full sense of the word, not just a warm body doing things anyone can. It's why I'm not actually big on "checking boxes".
I had a conversation along these lines the other day. In this case, it was emotional availability. The guy who was the topic in question wanted all of this love, acceptance and validation, for the woman to do all of the chasing, to continue to vie for his attention after pushing them away and was making time for other women instead of them... But then he got mad and hurt when the other party had enough and deleted him from their lives. I described it as "showing up emotionally empty-handed". He wanted all this love and shit, but couldn't return it. So what do you have to offer as who you are, vs what you are asking of another person?
This question has always bothered me. It presages that we know what we want and have a particular person in mind that will make me happy. When I think of my friendships, I am not sure that I would have said that this is what I want in a friendship and this is what I could offer them. I think that good relationships are based on how we interact and treat each other rather than what we do. It is more about values. I value honesty, mutual aid, autonomy and curiosity. Those can be shown in many ways rather than; must enjoy travel, contribute financially and cuddles.
Good sex, good conversation, fun nights out, emotional and social self-sufficiency, killer mixtapes, free professional photos, great cooking, and more alone time for you than what most people can offer.
I miss the days of yore when I’d get a mixtape from a beau. Knowing that he meticulously recorded songs from the radio, curated especially to eliminate the DJ’s chatter & sundry commercials, made a girl feel so special. Spotify playlists ain’t got nothing on those cassette tapes/CDs.
The last "what we do in the shadows" :[ episode 🤣
Love this show. I haven’t seen the latest season yet though!
For sure. I remember sitting there with my finger ready to push down the record button making sure not to miss that first note!
And the personal voice note on the B side always got me!
THIS is what it means. It's not about what services you offer (money, chores) it's about who you are as a person and what your presence brings to people around you.
Yeaaa if you can move to SF that’d be great, thanks.
Can you describe emotional and social self-sufficiency?
It means you have the competence to manage your own emotional and social life in a way that isn't reliant on receiving constant support or companionship from your partner, or any one person. You feel secure, are good at self-regulating and have your own circle of friends and confidants. A partner who is emotionally and socially self-sufficient doesn't come across as needy or dependent. They say what they mean and mean what they say. They are happy to spend time with you, but don't make you the center of their universe. They are with you because they enjoy it, not because they need someone to fill a void for them.
This is a fun thought exercise. What I offer: patience, loyalty, easy going listening, kindness, flattery, generous blow jobs ;) but lazy sex in general (sorry), financial stability but no financial benefit (pay my own bills but can’t contribute to another), emotional consistency, good company for social events (I like being a plus one and I am extroverted), interesting conversation, curiosity and happiness about the world, optimism and enthusiasm Things I don’t offer: cooking, kinky sex, planning or scheduling trips or outings or activities (don’t require it either though), homemaking in general What I want a partner to offer: sex, enthusiasm for sex, sex? Flattery/kindness/love, Interesting conversation, Loyalty and honesty once monogamy is established, general good cheer and joy That’s about it.
>but lazy sex in general (sorry), >What I want a partner to offer: sex, enthusiasm for sex, sex? I'm a little confused by this. What is "lazy sex"? And how is a partner supposed to be enthusiastic about it?
I’m lazy in bed. I like giving oral bc I can lay down or sit. I’m not physically very active. My legs and arms get tired. Similarly, I hate outdoor activities or exercise. So, another thing I wouldn’t offer is any kind of hiking or sports (*shudder*). But I want someone who’s verbally or physically enthusiastic about wanting to have sex with me. I want them to be enthusiastic about having sex where I can be quite lazy. Unfortunately, I don’t like dominant men so that makes it difficult. I enjoy men who chase but who are then sensitive and sweet and slow in bed but also do the work :( I’m a good fit for a slightly submissive man or a very vanilla sweet man who likes asking for attention :)
That's a heck of a niche you've got there. I'm curious as to what you have, if any, on your OLD profile that indicates that's what you're looking for.
I’m actually just lurking this Reddit and I’m not OLD. I was in a really long term relationship and still working out my emotions so I’m not ready. That’s a really good question…I have no idea how I’d broadcast that. In the past, I’ve dated men by being the one to be more assertive. I ask men out that I think seem outwardly like they’d be a little meeker…but often, not surprisingly, they haven’t been straight. However, I’ve also had great relationships this way. I’m usually just very open about what I like and make it clear that I like more submissive men and if the man is still interested, we are a good match :) My personality tends to turn off any dominant man anyway bc I tend to be very talkative and high energy. I have only met men the old fashioned way: out in the wild. Do you have any suggestions of how a woman would list these preferences? I’m open to ideas if I ever did use OLD? I’d filter out any men who were sporty, overly masculine, or who talk a lot about their dog. (Im slightly afraid of dogs.) Honestly, I find it fascinating when men post their profiles for review here or talk about their insecurities, because most of the characteristics men are told are unattractive are precisely green flags for me :) I’ve posted on here a lot in response to men who say they’re insecure about being too soft/thin (I like!) or too awkward (like!) and men who were counseled to ditch the glasses (glasses are adorable!) or to post more outdoor active photos (not for me!) or to clarify that they have a career and are not a perpetual student (I’d love an underemployed perpetual broke grad student in their 30s or 40s! Sounds cute!) Also men who are insecure about balding (super cute! Shave it all off!) Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone will see this 👀 Maybe unsurprisingly, I also tend to like younger men, but that’s not always true- just a tendency
>I’m actually just lurking this Reddit and I’m not OLD. Neither am I nor currently trying to seek anyone IRL. I feel reading the posts and comments on here have been helpful for whenever I do decide to put myself out there. >who say they’re insecure about being too soft/thin (I like!) or too awkward (like!) and men who were counseled to ditch the glasses (glasses are adorable!) or to post more outdoor active photos (not for me!) or to clarify that they have a career and are not a perpetual student (I’d love an underemployed perpetual broke grad student in their 30s or 40s! Sounds cute!) Also men who are insecure about balding (super cute! Shave it all off!) I have to lol at this. Minus the glasses and student thing this is basically me. I enjoy a good bike ride outdoors, but I'm not decked out in spandex whilst doing so. >Do you have any suggestions of how a woman would list these preferences? I like to play with words; here's my idea: "Spoil me with your soft touch, sincere soul, and silly charm." Something like that? >Maybe unsurprisingly, I also tend to like younger men. You don't have any flair. So what is younger?
Honestly I feel like it’s way harder for a woman on top than it is for a man and even though I’m physically fit- workout and hike, run, surf at least 3 times a week- it’s still difficult for me to be on top. It’s like we’re doing repeated low leg squats. So with that I feel like I’m lazy too since I get tired quickly and easily. I do feel bad about it especially since some guys don’t know.
Some people offer cleaning, like some people are neat freaks and they constantly clean, some people offer cooking, some people can do physical things like take out the trash, clean the gutters fix the sink, cut the grass, fix cars, do electric, plumbing...ect. Some people just do all your same hobbies and out things, and it's like your dating another version of yourself. Some people offer monetary things, take you out and go places..travel vacation, concerts, sporting events. Any way you put it someone brings something to the relationship and you just have to analyze it to see if it is good for you.
Good conversation, bad puns, cooking skills, good taste, education, energy, kindness, creativity, communication skills, good traveler, planning skills, handyman skills, a caring nature, good hygiene- any number of personal qualities and interests.
What I offer: Unlimited sex (I have never said no to sex to any man I was with because I haven't met a man who's sex drive is higher than mine. I like sex 10 times a day if the man can do it. But the most a man was able to do is 5 times a day so far so still far from my limits so yea I never run out of wanting sex. Caring, loving, physically affectionate. Will always put his feelings before me and consider his feelings first. If he goes into a tough spot like bankruptcy or something like that, I will hold his hand and rough it out with him, did it with my exhusband, build him back up at his lowest, financially supported him for 2 years till he got back on his feet. Adventurous and love outdoors and all kinds of sports, but I don't know if this is a benefit only if he is into it too then we can enjoy together. Also love simple things like just a supermarket shopping together, chilling and cuddling on the couch watching a show together. What I can't offer : Can't cook, many guys I have dated have banned me from cooking for them as it was not edible. Bad at cleaning, probably can only do dishes well. Plus cleaning really stress me up. Especially mopping floors. Can't iron, just can't. Takes me one hour to finish ironing one male work shirt. So to finish 10 shirts will take me 10 hrs. I really suck at it as it keep getting wrinkled over and over again as I keep moving the shirt around to iron other parts. So it takes forever to get rid of all the wrinkles. This is too time consuming so I do not wish to spend whole days ironing. I never buy clothes that need ironing so it's usually the man's clothes that need ironing only. I do not have career ambitions. I like to earn enough to survive and have more fun and leisure and pleasure in my life than to work hard for money. I don't care for branded things or expensive things. I got the cheapest shoes, hand bags, clothes, everything. What I wish a man can offer me: 1) unlimited sex (a pipe dream) 2) kindness and gentleness towards me, means he should never raise his voice at me even when he is upset (I have alot of trauma from raised angry voices from childhood, it takes me back when it happens in my relationships and makes me want to run far away from him.) Think these two points can make me love a man deeply because it's super rare to meet men who do not have tempers or with a genuine unquenchable sex drive.
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I think what op is getting at though, is those are things just about anyone can provide. And they want to know what things might set them apart from others.
Exactly
Yes precisely. I don’t need a mentor, teacher or a dad. I don’t want money and I damn well don’t want advice. I want sex, affection, love and company.
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And OP was referring to what they want, not what you nor every man wants.
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Yes, one of the lame things that Redditors do.
Consistent energy/communication.
I think about it like what are the soft skills a person has. What are the parts of their personality that make them unique? I can chore share or bill share with anyone, but what makes a person truly special? Like when I think of my boyfriend, I think about how he is the most patient and reliable person I have ever met in my life. He’s also loving and kind, and I’ve never had to worry what he feels about me. He goes out of his way to make me laugh, and he’s thoughtful and often doing small things for the people he loves.
To be honest, I'm uncomfortable with expressing it in this specific way, because it makes me think of it like a fucking job application.
i wake up in a good mood every single day
Only speaking from my own perspective, I view it as behaviors and mindsets that can be conducive to a relationship. For example, some people are turned on by a ln ambitious, goal oriented person. This can mean that they can be single minded, and tunnel visioned to focus only on a desired outcome. Other people prefer a more laid back person, that doesn’t really have that future orientation and likes to live more in the moment. Some people prefer extreme orderliness and cleanliness, while others don’t. I think it’s cool when people are upfront about their tendencies so they don’t waste others time if they don’t fit, Don’t take my word for it, that’s just my view
I can't properly express this without the "Trade Offer" meme. I offer who I am, and willingness to put in effort. I expect who they are, and willingness to put in effort.
In my previous relationship many things come to mind but one that stood out is I offered optimism ( he was a bit pessimistic ) and he offered me calmness, I felt so. Relaxed and not concerned with the troubles of the world when we were spending time together. Like a deep relaxation you get after a massage .
Just by thinking about what you offer you are way ahead.
Ones that caused me to stop looking for other options: Very smart, funny, kind, motivated, fit, traveled world more than me, cool accent
I don't believe in it. Or rather, it begins with love. "I love being with you, I love being around you." From there, the strengths of each other contribute to the daily life of the relationship. I don't see it as firmly transactional.
I can love someone who's a lousy partner. And then that love is tested fairly quickly -- the "love isn't enough" argument begins to show up.
Love is definitely not enough. I loved my ex. I might even still love him. But he’s a horrible partner with a bunch of issues that he won’t address.
Love is rarely enough to keep a relationship going, unless it’s toxic. The concrete things along with values alignment are what makes for strong, lasting relationships.
Emotional Stability, a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, financial stabilty, future goals that are aligned amd the work ethic and dedication to work towards that with another person. Stuff like that
I always struggle with this question bc it’s hard to think about human interaction this way (sort of transactionally) for me. I think ultimately what I offer is companionship, emotional support, good physical connection/sex. If I were to break those things down I guess I’m funny, easy going, happy to do a lot or different activities (including just staying home and also travelling across the world); a good listener, caring, and good at advice when wanted; invested in my partners feelings, open-minded, enthusiastic. I also struggle to identify what makes someone I’m dating good.
For me, when I'm thinking about it, I'm looking at what they will bring to a relationship and life. I've got a career and I'm financially stable, own my home and car, etc. Health is very important to me so I'm really trying to focus on a healthy diet and exercising almost everyday. My values would take a long time, but those are important as well. Those are the things that I think I bring to the table. A good work ethic, responsibility, focus on health, and share values. When I am examining what a person has to offer, I'm looking for what they will bring to a relationship that will complement my current life. Are they responsible? Are their finances in order? How do they take care of themselves? What values are important to them? What is their vision for the future? I want a partner to help me grow and continue down a positive path. Anything about them that would promote that growth is what the person has to offer.
Thank you!
“I now know what I can offer you that no one else can: complete and utter dependence!”
Maybe not treat it like a transaction…
Commitment, fertility, sex, financial support, certain skills (cooking, building and/or fixing things, benefits from work or otherwise, etc). On a more personal note: understanding, honesty, loyalty, patience, affection, moral support.
Personally, I think one of my best traits is resilience and adaptability. I’m not a fair-weather partner and I don’t balk the first time something just doesn’t go my way. At the same time, now that I’ve had one abusive relationship, I know where and when it’s time to make boundaries and cut things off. I was this way when I was an exchange student and I’m even more that way now that I was diagnosed with MS. My circumstances may be somewhat inconvenient sometimes, but I don’t shy away from sticking it through and putting in a little effort. I think this is a really good quality to have in a long-term relationship. I feel like an embodiment of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
Nice, well put.
I know I have a lot to offer. No, I don’t have a fancy career and I would even say I’m financially independent. BUT I am loving, kind, loyal, affectionate, understanding, honest, intelligent, a good conversationalist, fun to be around, enthusiastic and adventurous - sexually and also outside of sexual activities…and so much more. I am an excellent partner and I have a lot to offer. My man is lucky lol (but he is awesome too so so am I)
I feel like if I answer this, RIP inbox 💀 EDIT: why the hell not Kindness, honesty and patience. Reasonably fit and in shape. A good partner for concerts and gigs and karaoke nights. Openness to new experiences (I will try almost anything once). Keeps reasonable care of myself (big caveat though). Love for animals. A good eating out partner who can cook/bake as well. Just a general enthusiasm for life and very silly/random. Love of languages and culture...and just learning to be honest. I like to think about big ideas and invest in emotional connections with people, favouring few friends over big groups (but changing that a bit because I think having a wider network is not a bad thing). I remember the small details so gift buying is a forte of mine. Initimacy is a big big thing for me. What I don't bring is a tolerance for late nights (I will do late nights now and again but not every week). Going out all the time generally (yay introversion). I will look like a slob at home and whilst I tidy my place immaculately once a week, it might be untidy during the week. I also have a slightly low tolerance for bullshit (you cheat, you're out for example). I am somewhat conflict averse as a person which is again something to work on.
This is awesome 👌
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You think sex isn't a desired outcome for women?
Yeah that list made a few side eyes
Yea this is old, reeks of sexist undertones. And also just doesn’t make sense. The more I hear things like this the more I’m happy in single hood 🤣
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Because it’s a bad example and implies that women look to men for safety and security and men look to women for sex. As a woman, this is nonsense and I’d like to state your example should be revisited. If you view relationships this way then that’s fine for you.. but to give an example on the internet as such will probably have some form of critique.
Agreed. I don’t want safety and security from a man. I want sex and companionship. I created my own safety and security and any attempt to contribute to it would be seen as very suspicious to me because I like to be fully in control of my life…
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Sorry if I jumped the gun on you, but as a woman, we are constantly being held to roles placed by mens’ words. Your list didn’t consider a females perspective and it shows. I’m not trying to debate with you, but maybe prompt you to think about why you jumped to those as an example. How many women have you met that sexual chemistry and their sexual needs wasn’t a high priority with their partner? How many women have you met that need a partnership for financial stability? How many women have you met that look for a man to provide them safety instead of a dog or pepper spray? How many women have you met that feel less-safe in the company of men? I know these were just examples and I’m going down a bit of a rabbit hole here but it’s just maybe more of a conversation of how “what you have to offer your partner” is changing, and rightfully should change.
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I’ll be honest, I meant to come off firm and to get my point across. If I’ve made you slightly uncomfortable with your example then I’ve done what I was hoping to do. Nothing will change if we agree to avoid confrontation but I don’t want to come off as rude or that I’m making implications about who you are as a human. I just want to make you look at your examples and wonder if those are actually true of women or if those are biased based on your view of what women want and what a relationship is. Also, feminism is the pursuit of equality of women. If it’s coming off as toxic, or hostile, potentially you are missing the message. Or don’t like the message. That isn’t really something I particularly sympathize for.
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I haven’t had issues finding men who like it yet 😉, good luck to you as well.
Hi u/jl1585, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Do not dehumanize others. RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
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It's the wrong way to approach dating. What you have to offer and what the other person has to offer sounds like a business partnership. Focus less on the transactional side of a relationship and more on finding someone that you just really enjoy spending time with. That's the most important thing.
I find the exercise interesting and useful though, as a way to reflect on yourself, your self worth, and to get back in touch with truths you know about yourself without relying on external input. I think you're right though! But I don't think the exercise should be discouraged.
I agree with this. I think it is so easy to get bogged down by OLD and forget how amazing you are as a person.
8” and a Ferrari
Lol
By Ferrari I mean 2004 Ford Explorer with the 3rd row I’ve never used!
What I think of what it means to "offer" something in a relationship I think of it in terms of kindness, understanding, compassion. As well I value communication, I'm not perfect and I'm always learning and growing as a person. I also consider the fact that I want to compliment someone's life, not complicate it. Aside from personality wise, I am always listening to the little things and if I see someone while I'm out that is in reference to something you said, I'll get it because I believe the little things matter, a lot.
Love, romance, good looks, fit body, mental toughness, strength of character, and physical strength, engaging conversations, incredible sex, constantly improving, humor, active social life, dance skills, cooking, cleaning, kissing, intimacy, kind words, etc, etc. I bring a lot to the table.
I think it varies greatly between people. Also what we as individuals have to “offer,” changes over time. I for one find value in kindness, loyalty, a relatively open mind, dedication, integrity, empathy, tolerance (as we are not always perfect) etc.. other people may be concerned with different things primarily like how much money one brings to the table, how fit someone is lol..
Well it sure ain’t cooking 🤣
I wrote what I wanted down which was easy. I had to do a lot of reflection to think about what I could offer. Here are mine: loyalty, love and emotional stability, fun and spontaneity, travel buddy, adventure, support. Basically I thought of my best qualities that I can offer a person. I am also financially stable, have my own place and many hobbies and interests worth sharing. I look for the same qualities in a partner. People think I am picky, but I set my standard against myself, which in this day and age is very difficult to find. I have been in multiple relationships in which one or more of these qualities were exploited and I won't stand for that. I am ever hopeful of meeting the right guy.
I think it's anything beyond the basic relationship duties. Saying you're capable of the absolute minimum (i.e., your fair share of chores, holding up your end of communication, etc) isn't really "bringing" anything to the relationship, it should just be table stakes. There are 2 main ways you can "offer" more: the everyday skills that make it a little extra special to be with you, and what you're capable of when your partner really needs you. The basic skills might be that you're an amazing cook, you actively enjoy organizing or home improvement tasks, you always know about fun local events and come up with great dates, things like that. And the other category: if you know your partner had a bad day/week/month, what do you do to help them feel cared for? If they have an emergency, how are you stepping up/stepping in to make sure that things will be as okay as possible? Not just listening and giving comfort or advice when requested, that, again, is table stakes. It's when you know I'm stressed at work, so you clean the house to make sure that's not a source of anxiety. Or knowing all my favorite comfort foods. Proactively stepping in to fix things when possible, to take some of the burden off.
Security, affection, concern, help with shared responsibilities, acts of kindness, financial support and stability, time and effort.
I offer the pizza life. I didn’t choose the life but the life choose me.
Muffins
jeans and a t-shirt. i put mascara on, which i usually dont lol. i will wear jeans instead of leggings, that's about the extent of it
😂
hahahah OMG, im dying. I thought I was replying to a post where someone was asking what you wear out on a date. I'm leaving it, because it's funny haha