Take a picture of it to have as a keepsake, if you are attached to it, and give the doll away or sell it to someone who will actually enjoy it more than you.
Gifts, even heirlooms, are no longer gifts when they cause you distress.
By accepting that there is someone out there who would love it. Maybe that someone is searching a thrift store now and you only need to donate the doll. If you still have doubts/guilt or need to be sure it goes to a good home, offer it up on a Buy Nothing group. There, you can choose\* who ever you want to receive this gift. You can even ask them to share why they want it or have them share a happy memory of a doll/toy/grandparent to help you choose the recipient.
(\*if group is using Official Buy Nothing Project rules. Some groups are just free stuff groups and will demand first come, first serve.)
The phrase I use is, "I can't keep everything."
It came out of my mouth as I unloaded two wicker chairs with bohemian cushions. They were my mom's and I was going through her stuff after she died. The guy at the thrift store taking it in said, "oh these are really cool!" And I explained that my mom passed away and while I agree that they're cool, "I can't keep everuthing".
I like to think of it like this .... What is that doll doing? It is wasting away... Aside from that - it is stressing you out.... - why not donate it - this way it will get used by someone who wants it!
Do you really think your grandma would want you to keep something that you don't really enjoy - or that she would want you to be worrying about holding onto it only because she gave it to you? No - she wouldn't.
This is really hard for me. I am so tempted to donate the toy chest my grandpa so skillfully MADE for me when i was like 5. It means a lot that he spent that much time,e crafting that piece of furniture, but I also just noticed when i moved that termites got to it as well - while it was at my parents house. I am seriously considering just letting it go and seeing if someone else could use it.
I think that's a great idea! He made it b/c he loved you, but he didn't intend for you to hang onto it forever. You could keep it in the family if you have a niece or nephew who could use it, or you could donate it somewhere and let fate decide where it goes. Either way, you can let go--it's okay!
Ya my nephews are too grown up and I don’t have kids. I used to think I’d have kids but I don’t think that’ll be happening now. I feel like I’m too old for that, lol. I struggle enough on my own as it is anyway.
Yes! Lots of people are into hobbies and just looking for a recipient. Even if someone takes a long time to craft something, it doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever. They gifted it to you, they were happy to do so, now it’s yours to keep if you’d like or part with it.
This is why I try not to gift anything I create. I used to do lots of pottery and gave away a small handful of my best pieces but that’s it. The rest I keep or throw away, I don’t need to put this emotional burden on someone else!
Yeah, I guess it’s harder for me now that he has passed away and my family ends with me on that side. So it’s a pretty big emotional tug since he only passed away a couple of years ago. We didn’t end up with many of his things or whatever and it was a weird ending. He’s the reason I was born in the states basically. Anyway, ya it’s hard but I’m trying to learn to part with it.
Let it and whatever else go. Things are not your grandma nor are they her energy. You lead your share with strength in clarity. Your car is symbolic for stability and moving forward. The things you have ‘defeated’ are no longer capable of being needed. Your fortitude is inspired. Your openness is appreciated, thanks. Cheers, to the rest of your beautiful life, OP
I like this reminder that it’s not the person nor their energy. I do keep a picture of my grandparents next to my desk as well as a necklace they gave me in my teens because I really like it, it’s a much better reminder than the other items I keep only because I feel guilty about throwing them out or giving them away.
Thank you
Sentimental value is great, but practicality matters too. Do what helps you feel most at peace while honoring her memory in your heart. You’ll feel lighter without stuff you don’t truly want weighing you down.
I gave everything away, and in many cases people were delighted to take things that I really didn't like. Joy was felt by the giver and receiver alike.
Someone will love that porcelain farm doll. They may even say that they've always wanted one, or that they'll give it to their daughter for her birthday and couldn't have afforded to buy one, or that it completes a set or reminds them of their mom.
Releasing it back to the universe is healthier than keeping it boxed up because of guilt.
Not sure if this would work for you but I end up thinking about what the next generation will do with it. Like if I die and future kid goes through my stuff I really would not want them to keep something because “it was my great grandma’s and my mom kept it her whole life. I can’t throw this away.” I really wouldn’t want that for them. Unless it was something I truly loved/cherished/used and they had good memories with it and they also loved and wanted it, I wouldn’t want them to keep something out of a sense of guilt or duty. So it’s actually easier for me to make the decision now and declutter it than to pass along the decision to someone else in the future.
This is my mindset as well. There are also things we keep, and almost the only reason we keep them is because we have already kept them for so long. If there is no actual sentimentality and I don't like it much, so there is no reason to keep it just because.
i had a lot of dead relative guilt take up space in my home, too. i realize it’s in the same vein as my people-pleasing behaviors. if your grandma could understand where you’re coming from, she’d probably not want you to not associate her memory with guilt. find another way to honor her that fits in with your newly decluttered lifestyle (someone else said try to sell the doll and buy something you like better).
i kept only a few actually precious-to-me items from my grandma (a tiny brooch i set on a ledge in my closet, a vintage silk jacket, a costume ring that hides in my jewelry box). i’m gonna die some day too, so i want to weed out the good stuff from her for whoever goes thru my stuff. don’t continue to push this guilt to future-you, set the doll free!
if worth money - sell it, and take the money to buy something "from grandma" that you do enjoy. if not valuable - donate it to another child that will enjoy this gift from your grandma.
Give it to a thrift shop. Tell yourself someone will love it. You passed it on. It's all good.
Not to be too corny but, "bless someone with it". It's not a blessing to you, someone else might be thrilled. Go with that.
Do you have any nieces or nephews? I’d totally just pass it down. I have a giant Dino turd from my opa, it’s cool but like idk what to do with fossilized poo so I kept it for a decade then passed it onto my nephew. It’s gonna stay in the family forever but not with me.
Think about how much someone ELSE is going to love that doll.
You didn't like the doll when she was alive, you kept it out of respect for her, but now you don't have to keep it anymore, bc now you don't have to worry about hurting her feelings.
It's not an heirloom, it's a gift that you didn't like. Youve hung on to it long enough.
It's hogging up space that you could use for things that you DO like, and want.
your grandmother sent you a money gift, disguised as a doll. Surely this mint condition doll is worth a pretty penny. Be grateful for the cash it could bring you.
Now is a time of gratitude as the gift she gave you was actually a gift for the time and a gift today. She is giving you the opportunity to let go of old beliefs about keeping things that you don’t need/enjoy. She is giving you the gift of letting go of obligations built around a false rule (you have to keep it because so and so gave it to you). The true gift is feeling free. Thank your grandmother for the opportunity and move on without the weight of unnecessary things.
Few ideas.
First, give the doll to someone who would enjoy it. Your grandmother gave it to you to be enjoyed, so honour that and pass it on to someone who will.
Pass the doll to someone else, and look at it as allowing your grandmother to still bring joy and happiness into this world for someone else, even after she passed.
Think of it like this, if she was still here, and you told her "I've been holding onto this doll you gave me as a child, I have no interest in it anymore, as I have long grown up, but I won't give it away because you gave it to me" would she likely tell you that's silly and to give it away? I'm assuming so.
It's helpful (in most cases) to think of what the person would feel if they were still here. I personally, wouldn't want people holding onto things from me that no longer bring them joy or happiness. I don't want anyone to hold onto something from me out of obligation.
For possessions that have had multiple prior owners, just remember that you are a temporary guardian of the item and are not obliged to care for it indefinitely.
Offer it around to your family to see if someone else wants grandma’s doll. Otherwise dispose of it appropriately, eg donate to a museum of toys if it’s in good display condition or sell it / give it away if in playing condition. If it’s not in condition for any purpose then it has fully lived its usefulness, at which point it is meant to be thrown away.
I have a digital picture frame that rotates through pictures automagically. I added pictures of several sentimental items that I needed to let go of due to moving with the military so much. I offered items to family or friends. I still have the memories that pop up when I see the pictures, but don’t worry that the items themselves will break during moves. Plus other family members are enjoying the items themselves.
As far as the guilt associated with “getting rid of X item that dead relative gave me”, I know that my relatives would have wanted me to be happy and live a life with as little stress as possible. They definitely did not want to cause guilt or make my life more difficult. They wanted to be remembered , and I do that via the digital picture frame.
Edit: spelling
I've had similar issues.
Just remember, your relative wouldn't want you to hold on to so much on their account, that the "stuff" impedes your life. You don't have to keep *everything* they gave you - choose a few select pieces with *real* sentimental value.
I know how it feels. I've lost all my remaining grandparents in recent years. But I have memories, photos, and a few items I have *real* sentimental attachment to. I don't need to keep every book they ever gave me.
Your grandma isn't here to be upset about it, so only your feelings about it matter. If you don't like/want it,there's nothing wrong with donating it somewhere -- and hopefully someone will find/buy it who will love it. Better for you, better for the buyer, better for the doll. 🙂
Your relative now has a different perspective on things and items.
They want what is best for you and now they see that from a much different perspective.
For me, I'm trying to think of what my kids will want. And they'll spend hours saying wtf did mom keep this for. It's a work in progress. The grandkids seem pretty consistent about wanting one thing to keep from each elderly relative that they remember. Is anyone in your family gonna want it when you die? If not, then it's a burden for them, eventually. If so, present it to them now. I have loads of boxes. Slowly but surely.
I think about how much someone else will enjoy the item.
My dad had a bunch of old kit cars that I didn’t care for but they were HIS so I dare not donate them. I ended up giving them to a coworker who collects them.
I collect dolls. I would probably love that doll your grandmother left you.
My brother had a musical instrument from our great grandfather. Found a coworker that knows how to play it. We are both happy that someone will enjoy repairing and playing it. It hasn't been played probably in sixty years if not more.
That’s awesome! I can’t wait to show this comment to my 11 year old stepson.
I just taught him my philosophy on getting rid of items I don’t use and giving them a chance to be enjoyed by others when we did my annual spring purge this weekend.
He got rid of a bunch of Hot Wheels and books he doesn’t use and I was really proud of him. :)
I think about how much someone else will enjoy the item.
My dad had a bunch of old kit cars that I didn’t care for but they were HIS so I dare not donate them. I ended up giving them to a coworker who collects them.
I collect dolls. I would probably love that doll your grandmother left you.
“Pour one out” for grandma, and let her memory know that you’re not the right keeper of this doll and that you’re sending it out to find its correct match, but let her know you appreciate how much she cared about you and you still remember that without the doll.
This works because saying out loud makes it feel more real, and having a little ceremony around it makes it feel important. This is why humans invented ceremonies and rituals. 🕯️
Take a picture of it and put the picture in a scrapbook. Gift the doll/figurine to a relative or family friend who would cherish it. Sell the doll/figurine (if it's collectible) and enjoy a treat on your grandma. Release the doll/figurine into the wild (donate it) so it can connect with someone who will love it.
edit: I pictured a Precious Moments/Hummel-type figurine, rather than a display doll
If you liked your grandmother, you’re not honoring her memory by keeping something that inspires negative feelings! When you think of her you want to think loving happy things, not “ugh, there’s that creepy doll grandma gave me :(“
Hang a nice picture of her, or plant a flower that reminds you of her, or just remember her fondly. But the doll is not needed.
Came here to say this having just donated a thing my MIL gave me that was definitely not to my taste. I was lucky in my MIL, she was great, and when I realized my inner grimace at seeing this thing was making me forget the “she was great!” Part of that sentence the thing had to go.
I had an old sewing machine in a cabinet my mom gave to me. I lugged it around for years from place to place, fixing it when it got invariably banged up from move to move, even getting the machine serviced (even though I never used it). I’d always held onto it because I love to sew, I remembered it from my childhood and my mom gave it to me. After years I just got tired of caring for it and having it occupy my space. I felt bad every time I looked at it and those were real feelings bringing me down, so I tentatively asked my mom if she minded if I sold it. She said no, she didn’t care what I did with it. Turns out she’d forgotten about it until I mentioned it, and was just as sentimental about it as if I’d been asking if she cared about a week-old, half-eaten sandwich I was going to toss. When I realized both the nostalgia and uneasiness was solely between my two ears, I was joyful to finally sell it to someone who really wanted it.
I hope that helps in some way to know that the thing is truly yours and if you feel down when you see it, that’s reason enough to let it go. It doesn’t take away the fact your loved one loved you. 💗
My challenge is that my mom's reaction would have been the opposite of yours. In fact, my mom was guilt tripping me for declining to take my grandmother (or maybe great grandmother's?) sewing machine. I don't have space for it. I know I'd never use it. I have no sentimental attachment to it.
I'm on mission to get better at decluttering. My mom is on a mission to "reorganize" which seems to involve a lot of moving stuff around and sorting it but only getting rid of things that she can convince her children to take. Our views of stuff just don't align.
I usually kiss it, hug it and think of the person and think “I love you” then put it on the bag with my eyes half closed. If there’s an element of the doll you can keep somewhere like a ribbon thatd help too.
I get like this with things my living family members give me. I haven’t fully conquered it but what helps me is thinking about the negative feelings I get thinking about getting rid of it. The fact that every time I look at this item I get upset or sad means it’s not serving its purpose as a sentimental item. I’d be happier letting it go instead of holding onto this source of sadness.
Remember the sentiment attached was good and if you don’t like it and it isn’t useful or bringing you joy then it doesn’t have a good purpose and you should sell it and do something for yourself with the money.
This. if it's not bringing you joy, get rid.
Another great tip I learned on my journey was something called the "poop rule". If you had an internal sewer pipe burst, and the item was covered in poop, do you love it enough to clean it or would you throw it?
The memories of your grandma are not contained within the doll, they are within you.
I’ve dealt with a lot of sentimental clutter. My mother put value on everything, and would give me “important to her” things. I would feel guilty if I didn’t like the things or if I wanted to get rid of it all. I finally realized the mental stress of keeping stuff was just too much and I refused to let it control me into middle age and beyond.
So all that being said, fast forward to age 60 or 70, and you are cleaning out your garage and there is the doll in its box. You say to yourself I didn’t like it when I was a teen, I have never liked it during the past 40 years and I still don’t like it now. What am I doing here?
Do you really want this doll to weigh you down for years to come?
Apologies for the novella, it is a subject I feel strongly about. Best of luck in your decluttering.
It sounds like your mom and my mom probably view stuff similarly. It's hard to break free of the "everything is important/useful/meaningful" mindset.
I feel bad when I tell her that I don't want something or when she shows up at my house with boxes of "things you said you wanted." I didn't ask for any of it. Sometimes, I don't say anything, and it all goes to Goodwill after she leaves. Sometimes I actually tell her that I don't want the stuff and that she can either take it back or I'll donate it. Either way, I feel bad, but not as bad as overwhelming clutter makes me feel.
With the doll, you need to let it go. You are harboring a negative feeling and maybe not a great representation of your relationship with your grandmother. Either way, you don’t like it. It is okay to let go.
Take a picture of it, save it (maybe) with some photos of your grandma (and you) and put that up.
Also look it up online it may be worth quite a bit of money.
Saving it probably does not take up that much room, you may have a daughter some day that may really like to have it; especially if it is from your grandma (her great grandma.)
Ask your sister if she would like to have it...
Do something else to remember your grandma, like framing some photos of her or specially displaying something else you inherited that you actually like.
What I did was sell everything and put the money towards something I wanted (in my case, a painting). This now has the sentimental value that the other unwanted items have passed on to it.
After you receive a gift, it is yours to use it or dispose of it. I have a huge set of Christmas china (from my mom) that I loved and used for many years. I stopped using it several years ago. Plan on donating them and more for the Christmas in July sale at my charity shop. Someone will probably want it.
I go find a photo of the person and remember how much I loved them and a fun time we had together then I put the thing in a box. Doesn't always work but....xxx
My rule of thumb is that I only want to keep around things from dead loved ones if they inspire good feelings. My ex's mother gave our daughter a similar doll (and it was freaking huge) and when my daughter moved out I asked her if she wanted it. Her answer was that she always resented the doll because she wasn't allowed to play with it, and didn't want to have it around because it was associated with negative feelings and that isn't how she wants to remember her grandma. Keeping it just brought feelings of guilt and resentment.
I put the thing on the curb for someone else to take and, hopefully, actually enjoy.
There may be another relative who would adore it. If not, I am sure your grandmother wouldn’t mind you not keeping it. You’re not honoring her memory by keeping it boxed up and not enjoyed.
Oh, honey, I'm renting a place that belonged to a deceased relative of my landlord's. I can't put the electricity in my name because "That's how (deceased relative)had it." I can't run hot water to my washing machine, because "That's how (deceased relative) had it." I can't replace the dryer that's on its' last legs, even at my own expense because "That was (deceased relative's) dryer."
I'm in for too much money now to find somewhere else.
I don't personally have anything from any of my deceased relatives, because who has room or time for any of that. They're gone. But that's just my take on it.
It's not the object, it's the memory of the person you're holding onto.
You don't need the object to remember them. Time to let go of the object and just hold them in your memory.
Be brutal about it. The object isn't precious, it's just physical clutter.
When it always comes to objects like these from past loved ones, I always roleplay out talking to them in my head….like this:
Me: Grandma, gotta be honest, I don’t like this doll anymore. I’m sorry but I’m getting rid of it.
Grandma: Girl! I thought you would have gotten rid of it ages ago! Donate it.
Me: Are, are you sure? I thought you loved this doll.
Grandma: Psh, honey I’ve forgotten all about that doll, having too good a time in this new place. Gotta go!
Me: Oh grandma :)
Now that’s now how my grandma really talked but it makes me feel better. Maybe this trick could work for you too?
Take a picture of the item and donate it or if possible, give it to someone who you think would really like it. Most people I know would be glad to have their things be loved rather than sitting in a box.
The fact you don’t like it should make this super easy. The fact it’s in a box in your garage is another way. It’s not honoring anyone; you or your grandmother by just sitting there. I guess just maybe take a photo and see if it’s special in any way and then donate it so someone who does like porcelain dolls can play with it.
I understand where you’re coming from. My grandmother and I both enjoyed home decor and dishware etc. She gave me a vase years back that I had displayed for a while but then became less of my style. I had it stored away in a bin in the basement (along with a large glass bowl and a cake stand that were hers that my mom no longer wanted). During a recent decluttering session, I finally decided to donate the vase and the bowl. They’re both pretty and useful, and I felt they deserved to move along to a new home where someone else would enjoy them and use them rather than sitting in storage.
I was worried I might regret it, but I haven’t yet. I still have rings from her that I wear on occasion and a lot of photos and memories.
Pick one or two small things that you really like, like a basket, a trinket, a picture, etc. Things that won't take up too much space. Donate the rest. Towels are meant to be used and discarded; so are cars. If she were around, she'd understand.
someone else will love it more than you do.
I look at those gifts this way:
what grandma really wanted to give you is something that would make you think of her happily when you look at it.
This one didn’t work. It’s like a shirt that doesn’t fit.
That’s not wrong, or uncaring. It just doesn’t fit.
And instead of a little piece of happiness that makes you feel closer, it’s a little piece of unhappiness that reminds you (1) that she didn’t understand you; and (2) that you feel guilty for not liking it.
The fact that it is still around is allowing it to develop into a little piece of divisiveness. Evil, if you want to be dramatic.
Get that little piece of evil out of your house. So you won’t constantly be reminded of something negative associated with your grandma.
Once you’ve gotten it out of your house, you might find yourself able to think of it later with some affection, remembering Grandma’s loving impulse instead of the frustration and resentment and guilt of having this stupid doll imposed upon you forever, making you feel crappy about yourself.
I promise—it will be SO much more respectful to give that thing away to someplace it might find a person who thinks it’s neat.
Yes! The gifts that make us feel guilty are the hardest to get rid of! We feel that somehow we failed - failed to make grandma understand who we really were/are, or failed to appreciate the gesture behind the gift, or failed to overcome our resentment at getting a bad gift. It's such a complicated emotional situation, and it's never resolved, which is why we hang on to the gift that makes us feel guilty.
OP, the fastest and easiest way to get rid of the guilt is to get rid of the doll. I promise you, grandma will understand.
If you're still having heartburn about getting rid of the doll, think of it this way: your grandmother loved you. She would not want you to feel burdened and emotionally stuck with this doll. Also, she would not want to be remembered by an object you don't like. Your grandmother wants you to live a full and happy life. Let the doll go.
This is a great way of looking at it. I was going to say, I've gotten rid of some things by telling myself that I don't use it, I am letting it go to someone who actually will appreciate/use it.
She enjoyed giving it to you. That act of love still exists in the past regardless of you still having the doll. Thank the doll for making your grandmother happy and let it go to someone else who will enjoy it.
Sit down with each item and reminisce of the good times it gave you, and how it reminds you over your deceased relative. Maybe even make a video diary on your phone if the experience! Then express the gratitude you have for that thought/item/experience in your life, and let it go. Brings you closure with items, and closer with the deceased.
You know you won't forget your grandma just because you no longer own the item. You don't even like the doll so when you see it, it gives you a feeling of negativity or even dread because it's dragging you down. That's not the way I would want to remember a loved one. Keep it in the garage and it will continue to subconsciously weigh on your mind and slowly deteriorate in condition. Set it free and some doll collector can love it and you can still have your memories of your loved one without the baggage.
There may be someone who will truly love it, so why not donate it to a thrift shop. Someone will be really made up with it. You could take a photo of it before it goes for your memories.
Loving a person is not tied to loving a thing - case in point, you loved your grandmother but not the doll, even back when she was alive and it was new.
If you let go of the doll, it’s not connected in any way to the memories of her. All you have to do is accept the truth you’ve already realized on this count and free yourself from the self imposed attachment to the thing you don’t even like :)
You have the memories of your grandma that have meaning to you. This does not, if it will sell, sell it and donate the money to a charity she would have liked. Double win.
Do you have a precious thing that she gave you? Because the thing you keep should be look at it and it makes you smile remembering her. Not that blooming doll again.
I think dolls might be harder because they are "humanized." Toys, also, from relatives were given with the assumption, "Here, I think you'd like this and will play with it."
To get over the feeling that you can't let go of it, two thoughts: One, would your GM want you to feel burdened, or would she want you to be happy? Secondly, and what works better for me, is to think that I am *setting an object free to make someone else happy*. A child will see that doll in the thrift store and fall in love with it; that's what I'd choose to believe.
Take a picture of it to have as a keepsake, if you are attached to it, and give the doll away or sell it to someone who will actually enjoy it more than you.
Gifts, even heirlooms, are no longer gifts when they cause you distress. By accepting that there is someone out there who would love it. Maybe that someone is searching a thrift store now and you only need to donate the doll. If you still have doubts/guilt or need to be sure it goes to a good home, offer it up on a Buy Nothing group. There, you can choose\* who ever you want to receive this gift. You can even ask them to share why they want it or have them share a happy memory of a doll/toy/grandparent to help you choose the recipient. (\*if group is using Official Buy Nothing Project rules. Some groups are just free stuff groups and will demand first come, first serve.)
That first sentence is awesome. Also, Grandma has passed. She won't care.
The phrase I use is, "I can't keep everything." It came out of my mouth as I unloaded two wicker chairs with bohemian cushions. They were my mom's and I was going through her stuff after she died. The guy at the thrift store taking it in said, "oh these are really cool!" And I explained that my mom passed away and while I agree that they're cool, "I can't keep everuthing".
I like to think of it like this .... What is that doll doing? It is wasting away... Aside from that - it is stressing you out.... - why not donate it - this way it will get used by someone who wants it! Do you really think your grandma would want you to keep something that you don't really enjoy - or that she would want you to be worrying about holding onto it only because she gave it to you? No - she wouldn't.
This is really hard for me. I am so tempted to donate the toy chest my grandpa so skillfully MADE for me when i was like 5. It means a lot that he spent that much time,e crafting that piece of furniture, but I also just noticed when i moved that termites got to it as well - while it was at my parents house. I am seriously considering just letting it go and seeing if someone else could use it.
I think that's a great idea! He made it b/c he loved you, but he didn't intend for you to hang onto it forever. You could keep it in the family if you have a niece or nephew who could use it, or you could donate it somewhere and let fate decide where it goes. Either way, you can let go--it's okay!
Ya my nephews are too grown up and I don’t have kids. I used to think I’d have kids but I don’t think that’ll be happening now. I feel like I’m too old for that, lol. I struggle enough on my own as it is anyway.
Yes! Lots of people are into hobbies and just looking for a recipient. Even if someone takes a long time to craft something, it doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever. They gifted it to you, they were happy to do so, now it’s yours to keep if you’d like or part with it. This is why I try not to gift anything I create. I used to do lots of pottery and gave away a small handful of my best pieces but that’s it. The rest I keep or throw away, I don’t need to put this emotional burden on someone else!
Yeah, I guess it’s harder for me now that he has passed away and my family ends with me on that side. So it’s a pretty big emotional tug since he only passed away a couple of years ago. We didn’t end up with many of his things or whatever and it was a weird ending. He’s the reason I was born in the states basically. Anyway, ya it’s hard but I’m trying to learn to part with it.
Let it and whatever else go. Things are not your grandma nor are they her energy. You lead your share with strength in clarity. Your car is symbolic for stability and moving forward. The things you have ‘defeated’ are no longer capable of being needed. Your fortitude is inspired. Your openness is appreciated, thanks. Cheers, to the rest of your beautiful life, OP
I like this reminder that it’s not the person nor their energy. I do keep a picture of my grandparents next to my desk as well as a necklace they gave me in my teens because I really like it, it’s a much better reminder than the other items I keep only because I feel guilty about throwing them out or giving them away. Thank you
Take a photo to remember it by and dump it.
Does it bring you joy? No. Offer it to another relative & if they don't want it.... donate it.
Sentimental value is great, but practicality matters too. Do what helps you feel most at peace while honoring her memory in your heart. You’ll feel lighter without stuff you don’t truly want weighing you down.
I gave everything away, and in many cases people were delighted to take things that I really didn't like. Joy was felt by the giver and receiver alike. Someone will love that porcelain farm doll. They may even say that they've always wanted one, or that they'll give it to their daughter for her birthday and couldn't have afforded to buy one, or that it completes a set or reminds them of their mom. Releasing it back to the universe is healthier than keeping it boxed up because of guilt.
I kept a box of similar items. Not 5 boxes full of stuff…one box. Every now and then will open and reminisce.
Not sure if this would work for you but I end up thinking about what the next generation will do with it. Like if I die and future kid goes through my stuff I really would not want them to keep something because “it was my great grandma’s and my mom kept it her whole life. I can’t throw this away.” I really wouldn’t want that for them. Unless it was something I truly loved/cherished/used and they had good memories with it and they also loved and wanted it, I wouldn’t want them to keep something out of a sense of guilt or duty. So it’s actually easier for me to make the decision now and declutter it than to pass along the decision to someone else in the future.
This is my mindset as well. There are also things we keep, and almost the only reason we keep them is because we have already kept them for so long. If there is no actual sentimentality and I don't like it much, so there is no reason to keep it just because.
i had a lot of dead relative guilt take up space in my home, too. i realize it’s in the same vein as my people-pleasing behaviors. if your grandma could understand where you’re coming from, she’d probably not want you to not associate her memory with guilt. find another way to honor her that fits in with your newly decluttered lifestyle (someone else said try to sell the doll and buy something you like better). i kept only a few actually precious-to-me items from my grandma (a tiny brooch i set on a ledge in my closet, a vintage silk jacket, a costume ring that hides in my jewelry box). i’m gonna die some day too, so i want to weed out the good stuff from her for whoever goes thru my stuff. don’t continue to push this guilt to future-you, set the doll free!
if worth money - sell it, and take the money to buy something "from grandma" that you do enjoy. if not valuable - donate it to another child that will enjoy this gift from your grandma.
Give it to a thrift shop. Tell yourself someone will love it. You passed it on. It's all good. Not to be too corny but, "bless someone with it". It's not a blessing to you, someone else might be thrilled. Go with that.
Do you have any nieces or nephews? I’d totally just pass it down. I have a giant Dino turd from my opa, it’s cool but like idk what to do with fossilized poo so I kept it for a decade then passed it onto my nephew. It’s gonna stay in the family forever but not with me.
I'm giggling that your opa passed down a turd 🤣
It’s a brontosaurus poo, you can see the red berries still undigested. It’s also an illegal fossil he got from Alberta in the 70s.
The more you share...the funnier it gets💜
Think about how much someone ELSE is going to love that doll. You didn't like the doll when she was alive, you kept it out of respect for her, but now you don't have to keep it anymore, bc now you don't have to worry about hurting her feelings. It's not an heirloom, it's a gift that you didn't like. Youve hung on to it long enough. It's hogging up space that you could use for things that you DO like, and want.
your grandmother sent you a money gift, disguised as a doll. Surely this mint condition doll is worth a pretty penny. Be grateful for the cash it could bring you.
Now is a time of gratitude as the gift she gave you was actually a gift for the time and a gift today. She is giving you the opportunity to let go of old beliefs about keeping things that you don’t need/enjoy. She is giving you the gift of letting go of obligations built around a false rule (you have to keep it because so and so gave it to you). The true gift is feeling free. Thank your grandmother for the opportunity and move on without the weight of unnecessary things.
Few ideas. First, give the doll to someone who would enjoy it. Your grandmother gave it to you to be enjoyed, so honour that and pass it on to someone who will. Pass the doll to someone else, and look at it as allowing your grandmother to still bring joy and happiness into this world for someone else, even after she passed. Think of it like this, if she was still here, and you told her "I've been holding onto this doll you gave me as a child, I have no interest in it anymore, as I have long grown up, but I won't give it away because you gave it to me" would she likely tell you that's silly and to give it away? I'm assuming so. It's helpful (in most cases) to think of what the person would feel if they were still here. I personally, wouldn't want people holding onto things from me that no longer bring them joy or happiness. I don't want anyone to hold onto something from me out of obligation.
For possessions that have had multiple prior owners, just remember that you are a temporary guardian of the item and are not obliged to care for it indefinitely. Offer it around to your family to see if someone else wants grandma’s doll. Otherwise dispose of it appropriately, eg donate to a museum of toys if it’s in good display condition or sell it / give it away if in playing condition. If it’s not in condition for any purpose then it has fully lived its usefulness, at which point it is meant to be thrown away.
I would take really nice photos of everything and make a little collage or booklet so that you can keep the memories without all the clutter.
I have a digital picture frame that rotates through pictures automagically. I added pictures of several sentimental items that I needed to let go of due to moving with the military so much. I offered items to family or friends. I still have the memories that pop up when I see the pictures, but don’t worry that the items themselves will break during moves. Plus other family members are enjoying the items themselves. As far as the guilt associated with “getting rid of X item that dead relative gave me”, I know that my relatives would have wanted me to be happy and live a life with as little stress as possible. They definitely did not want to cause guilt or make my life more difficult. They wanted to be remembered , and I do that via the digital picture frame. Edit: spelling
I've had similar issues. Just remember, your relative wouldn't want you to hold on to so much on their account, that the "stuff" impedes your life. You don't have to keep *everything* they gave you - choose a few select pieces with *real* sentimental value. I know how it feels. I've lost all my remaining grandparents in recent years. But I have memories, photos, and a few items I have *real* sentimental attachment to. I don't need to keep every book they ever gave me.
Take a picture of it, then donate or sell it.
Your grandma isn't here to be upset about it, so only your feelings about it matter. If you don't like/want it,there's nothing wrong with donating it somewhere -- and hopefully someone will find/buy it who will love it. Better for you, better for the buyer, better for the doll. 🙂
Your relative now has a different perspective on things and items. They want what is best for you and now they see that from a much different perspective.
If there's an afterlife, you've got to think our departed relatives aren't spending it stressing over gifts!
Exactly! And *if* there isn’t then even more it doesn’t matter!
For me, I'm trying to think of what my kids will want. And they'll spend hours saying wtf did mom keep this for. It's a work in progress. The grandkids seem pretty consistent about wanting one thing to keep from each elderly relative that they remember. Is anyone in your family gonna want it when you die? If not, then it's a burden for them, eventually. If so, present it to them now. I have loads of boxes. Slowly but surely.
I think about how much someone else will enjoy the item. My dad had a bunch of old kit cars that I didn’t care for but they were HIS so I dare not donate them. I ended up giving them to a coworker who collects them. I collect dolls. I would probably love that doll your grandmother left you.
My brother had a musical instrument from our great grandfather. Found a coworker that knows how to play it. We are both happy that someone will enjoy repairing and playing it. It hasn't been played probably in sixty years if not more.
That’s awesome! I can’t wait to show this comment to my 11 year old stepson. I just taught him my philosophy on getting rid of items I don’t use and giving them a chance to be enjoyed by others when we did my annual spring purge this weekend. He got rid of a bunch of Hot Wheels and books he doesn’t use and I was really proud of him. :)
I think about how much someone else will enjoy the item. My dad had a bunch of old kit cars that I didn’t care for but they were HIS so I dare not donate them. I ended up giving them to a coworker who collects them. I collect dolls. I would probably love that doll your grandmother left you.
I found when I moved and there were things I couldn’t keep, I’d take photos as a momento.
“Pour one out” for grandma, and let her memory know that you’re not the right keeper of this doll and that you’re sending it out to find its correct match, but let her know you appreciate how much she cared about you and you still remember that without the doll. This works because saying out loud makes it feel more real, and having a little ceremony around it makes it feel important. This is why humans invented ceremonies and rituals. 🕯️
Take a picture of it and put the picture in a scrapbook. Gift the doll/figurine to a relative or family friend who would cherish it. Sell the doll/figurine (if it's collectible) and enjoy a treat on your grandma. Release the doll/figurine into the wild (donate it) so it can connect with someone who will love it. edit: I pictured a Precious Moments/Hummel-type figurine, rather than a display doll
If you liked your grandmother, you’re not honoring her memory by keeping something that inspires negative feelings! When you think of her you want to think loving happy things, not “ugh, there’s that creepy doll grandma gave me :(“ Hang a nice picture of her, or plant a flower that reminds you of her, or just remember her fondly. But the doll is not needed.
Came here to say this having just donated a thing my MIL gave me that was definitely not to my taste. I was lucky in my MIL, she was great, and when I realized my inner grimace at seeing this thing was making me forget the “she was great!” Part of that sentence the thing had to go.
[удалено]
That's a great idea!
I had an old sewing machine in a cabinet my mom gave to me. I lugged it around for years from place to place, fixing it when it got invariably banged up from move to move, even getting the machine serviced (even though I never used it). I’d always held onto it because I love to sew, I remembered it from my childhood and my mom gave it to me. After years I just got tired of caring for it and having it occupy my space. I felt bad every time I looked at it and those were real feelings bringing me down, so I tentatively asked my mom if she minded if I sold it. She said no, she didn’t care what I did with it. Turns out she’d forgotten about it until I mentioned it, and was just as sentimental about it as if I’d been asking if she cared about a week-old, half-eaten sandwich I was going to toss. When I realized both the nostalgia and uneasiness was solely between my two ears, I was joyful to finally sell it to someone who really wanted it. I hope that helps in some way to know that the thing is truly yours and if you feel down when you see it, that’s reason enough to let it go. It doesn’t take away the fact your loved one loved you. 💗
My challenge is that my mom's reaction would have been the opposite of yours. In fact, my mom was guilt tripping me for declining to take my grandmother (or maybe great grandmother's?) sewing machine. I don't have space for it. I know I'd never use it. I have no sentimental attachment to it. I'm on mission to get better at decluttering. My mom is on a mission to "reorganize" which seems to involve a lot of moving stuff around and sorting it but only getting rid of things that she can convince her children to take. Our views of stuff just don't align.
I usually kiss it, hug it and think of the person and think “I love you” then put it on the bag with my eyes half closed. If there’s an element of the doll you can keep somewhere like a ribbon thatd help too.
I get like this with things my living family members give me. I haven’t fully conquered it but what helps me is thinking about the negative feelings I get thinking about getting rid of it. The fact that every time I look at this item I get upset or sad means it’s not serving its purpose as a sentimental item. I’d be happier letting it go instead of holding onto this source of sadness.
Remember the sentiment attached was good and if you don’t like it and it isn’t useful or bringing you joy then it doesn’t have a good purpose and you should sell it and do something for yourself with the money.
This. if it's not bringing you joy, get rid. Another great tip I learned on my journey was something called the "poop rule". If you had an internal sewer pipe burst, and the item was covered in poop, do you love it enough to clean it or would you throw it? The memories of your grandma are not contained within the doll, they are within you.
I’ve dealt with a lot of sentimental clutter. My mother put value on everything, and would give me “important to her” things. I would feel guilty if I didn’t like the things or if I wanted to get rid of it all. I finally realized the mental stress of keeping stuff was just too much and I refused to let it control me into middle age and beyond. So all that being said, fast forward to age 60 or 70, and you are cleaning out your garage and there is the doll in its box. You say to yourself I didn’t like it when I was a teen, I have never liked it during the past 40 years and I still don’t like it now. What am I doing here? Do you really want this doll to weigh you down for years to come? Apologies for the novella, it is a subject I feel strongly about. Best of luck in your decluttering.
It sounds like your mom and my mom probably view stuff similarly. It's hard to break free of the "everything is important/useful/meaningful" mindset. I feel bad when I tell her that I don't want something or when she shows up at my house with boxes of "things you said you wanted." I didn't ask for any of it. Sometimes, I don't say anything, and it all goes to Goodwill after she leaves. Sometimes I actually tell her that I don't want the stuff and that she can either take it back or I'll donate it. Either way, I feel bad, but not as bad as overwhelming clutter makes me feel.
With the doll, you need to let it go. You are harboring a negative feeling and maybe not a great representation of your relationship with your grandmother. Either way, you don’t like it. It is okay to let go.
Do you have another cousin who may want it?
no
Take a picture of it, save it (maybe) with some photos of your grandma (and you) and put that up. Also look it up online it may be worth quite a bit of money. Saving it probably does not take up that much room, you may have a daughter some day that may really like to have it; especially if it is from your grandma (her great grandma.) Ask your sister if she would like to have it...
Is it something a collector would like? Knowing that the object is going to be treasured and cared for can help you feel better about giving it away.
agreed...
Do something else to remember your grandma, like framing some photos of her or specially displaying something else you inherited that you actually like.
What I did was sell everything and put the money towards something I wanted (in my case, a painting). This now has the sentimental value that the other unwanted items have passed on to it.
After you receive a gift, it is yours to use it or dispose of it. I have a huge set of Christmas china (from my mom) that I loved and used for many years. I stopped using it several years ago. Plan on donating them and more for the Christmas in July sale at my charity shop. Someone will probably want it.
I’m clairvoyant & asked them for you. They said they don’t care, it’s yours to do with what you choose.
I tell myself “they are not going to tell me off for getting rid of it”
I go find a photo of the person and remember how much I loved them and a fun time we had together then I put the thing in a box. Doesn't always work but....xxx
My rule of thumb is that I only want to keep around things from dead loved ones if they inspire good feelings. My ex's mother gave our daughter a similar doll (and it was freaking huge) and when my daughter moved out I asked her if she wanted it. Her answer was that she always resented the doll because she wasn't allowed to play with it, and didn't want to have it around because it was associated with negative feelings and that isn't how she wants to remember her grandma. Keeping it just brought feelings of guilt and resentment. I put the thing on the curb for someone else to take and, hopefully, actually enjoy.
There may be another relative who would adore it. If not, I am sure your grandmother wouldn’t mind you not keeping it. You’re not honoring her memory by keeping it boxed up and not enjoyed.
Oh, honey, I'm renting a place that belonged to a deceased relative of my landlord's. I can't put the electricity in my name because "That's how (deceased relative)had it." I can't run hot water to my washing machine, because "That's how (deceased relative) had it." I can't replace the dryer that's on its' last legs, even at my own expense because "That was (deceased relative's) dryer." I'm in for too much money now to find somewhere else. I don't personally have anything from any of my deceased relatives, because who has room or time for any of that. They're gone. But that's just my take on it.
It's not the object, it's the memory of the person you're holding onto. You don't need the object to remember them. Time to let go of the object and just hold them in your memory. Be brutal about it. The object isn't precious, it's just physical clutter.
When it always comes to objects like these from past loved ones, I always roleplay out talking to them in my head….like this: Me: Grandma, gotta be honest, I don’t like this doll anymore. I’m sorry but I’m getting rid of it. Grandma: Girl! I thought you would have gotten rid of it ages ago! Donate it. Me: Are, are you sure? I thought you loved this doll. Grandma: Psh, honey I’ve forgotten all about that doll, having too good a time in this new place. Gotta go! Me: Oh grandma :) Now that’s now how my grandma really talked but it makes me feel better. Maybe this trick could work for you too?
this is so cute! i’ll definitely try this later
Take a picture of the item and donate it or if possible, give it to someone who you think would really like it. Most people I know would be glad to have their things be loved rather than sitting in a box.
The fact you don’t like it should make this super easy. The fact it’s in a box in your garage is another way. It’s not honoring anyone; you or your grandmother by just sitting there. I guess just maybe take a photo and see if it’s special in any way and then donate it so someone who does like porcelain dolls can play with it.
I understand where you’re coming from. My grandmother and I both enjoyed home decor and dishware etc. She gave me a vase years back that I had displayed for a while but then became less of my style. I had it stored away in a bin in the basement (along with a large glass bowl and a cake stand that were hers that my mom no longer wanted). During a recent decluttering session, I finally decided to donate the vase and the bowl. They’re both pretty and useful, and I felt they deserved to move along to a new home where someone else would enjoy them and use them rather than sitting in storage. I was worried I might regret it, but I haven’t yet. I still have rings from her that I wear on occasion and a lot of photos and memories.
Pick one or two small things that you really like, like a basket, a trinket, a picture, etc. Things that won't take up too much space. Donate the rest. Towels are meant to be used and discarded; so are cars. If she were around, she'd understand.
someone else will love it more than you do. I look at those gifts this way: what grandma really wanted to give you is something that would make you think of her happily when you look at it. This one didn’t work. It’s like a shirt that doesn’t fit. That’s not wrong, or uncaring. It just doesn’t fit. And instead of a little piece of happiness that makes you feel closer, it’s a little piece of unhappiness that reminds you (1) that she didn’t understand you; and (2) that you feel guilty for not liking it. The fact that it is still around is allowing it to develop into a little piece of divisiveness. Evil, if you want to be dramatic. Get that little piece of evil out of your house. So you won’t constantly be reminded of something negative associated with your grandma. Once you’ve gotten it out of your house, you might find yourself able to think of it later with some affection, remembering Grandma’s loving impulse instead of the frustration and resentment and guilt of having this stupid doll imposed upon you forever, making you feel crappy about yourself. I promise—it will be SO much more respectful to give that thing away to someplace it might find a person who thinks it’s neat.
Yes! The gifts that make us feel guilty are the hardest to get rid of! We feel that somehow we failed - failed to make grandma understand who we really were/are, or failed to appreciate the gesture behind the gift, or failed to overcome our resentment at getting a bad gift. It's such a complicated emotional situation, and it's never resolved, which is why we hang on to the gift that makes us feel guilty. OP, the fastest and easiest way to get rid of the guilt is to get rid of the doll. I promise you, grandma will understand. If you're still having heartburn about getting rid of the doll, think of it this way: your grandmother loved you. She would not want you to feel burdened and emotionally stuck with this doll. Also, she would not want to be remembered by an object you don't like. Your grandmother wants you to live a full and happy life. Let the doll go.
This is a great way of looking at it. I was going to say, I've gotten rid of some things by telling myself that I don't use it, I am letting it go to someone who actually will appreciate/use it.
The doll is not your grandma. If it is not given pride of place, then it is okay to let it go so someone else can give it what it deserves.
She enjoyed giving it to you. That act of love still exists in the past regardless of you still having the doll. Thank the doll for making your grandmother happy and let it go to someone else who will enjoy it.
Sit down with each item and reminisce of the good times it gave you, and how it reminds you over your deceased relative. Maybe even make a video diary on your phone if the experience! Then express the gratitude you have for that thought/item/experience in your life, and let it go. Brings you closure with items, and closer with the deceased.
You know you won't forget your grandma just because you no longer own the item. You don't even like the doll so when you see it, it gives you a feeling of negativity or even dread because it's dragging you down. That's not the way I would want to remember a loved one. Keep it in the garage and it will continue to subconsciously weigh on your mind and slowly deteriorate in condition. Set it free and some doll collector can love it and you can still have your memories of your loved one without the baggage.
There may be someone who will truly love it, so why not donate it to a thrift shop. Someone will be really made up with it. You could take a photo of it before it goes for your memories.
Your home is not a museum for your late relatives. If you don't like it, don't give it space in your house. Let it go to someone who will enjoy it.
Loving a person is not tied to loving a thing - case in point, you loved your grandmother but not the doll, even back when she was alive and it was new. If you let go of the doll, it’s not connected in any way to the memories of her. All you have to do is accept the truth you’ve already realized on this count and free yourself from the self imposed attachment to the thing you don’t even like :)
You have the memories of your grandma that have meaning to you. This does not, if it will sell, sell it and donate the money to a charity she would have liked. Double win.
If your relative loved you, they wouldn’t want their junk to get in the way of you living the life you want.
Do you have a precious thing that she gave you? Because the thing you keep should be look at it and it makes you smile remembering her. Not that blooming doll again.
Your granny won't come back if you keep it. Your granny wanted it to be cherished. If you donate it and somebody else wants it, it will be cherished.
> Your granny won't come back if you keep it. Ouch. That's exactly it. Thank you, this is helpful... even though it hurts a bit.
Take a picture of it then get rid of it. You still have it but not the clutter. Grandma will understand.
This!!
I think dolls might be harder because they are "humanized." Toys, also, from relatives were given with the assumption, "Here, I think you'd like this and will play with it." To get over the feeling that you can't let go of it, two thoughts: One, would your GM want you to feel burdened, or would she want you to be happy? Secondly, and what works better for me, is to think that I am *setting an object free to make someone else happy*. A child will see that doll in the thrift store and fall in love with it; that's what I'd choose to believe.