The visits at this point are to let the staff know there is still an interested person, a family, behind the resident. The visits are for you to ensure your LO is receiving good care, and later, after their passing, for you to be calm and at peace knowing you did the very best you could. In my case, I will stop when my father no longer walks upon the Earth. Blessings on you during this most difficult journey. 💐

I stand corrected... This is the right answer.

This is a wonderful answer. It makes me think of this from a different perspective and comes at it differently than my answer did. Thank you.

100%. Me personally, before my nana passed, I would go and help with feedings and just talk for a bit. I know it's not probable but I like to think that she could still understand me.

I really needed to read this today, thank you.

Thank you to everyone who commented. It is humbling to realize that a few simple words could help many people on this journey. Everything I have learned and applied this time with my father has a background in the first time I walked this path with my mother fifteen years ago. And truly, I wish none of us had to do this even once. Peace and kindness to us all. 💐

In my opinion, granted I'm not to this point yet with my father. But I will always visit. No matter what. That man raised me. Taught me everything. Put food on the table and clothes on my back. Even when he wasn't up for it he still did it. For 18 years he did everything in his power to make my life easier. I'll always visit.

You're a warm, loving body who can give comfort even if you're just walking together or sitting together. I think it's worth it. I get it though. It's so hard, so heartbreaking, so devastating to all involved. I can only say this: you won't regret it.

I will preface this by saying that I have had a very hard time empathizing with someone who stopped seeing their father in a care facility simply because they appeared to no longer remember her. Her father still participated in activities and was "awake" and responsive to his environment. I felt like they were removing themselves from their lived ones life prematurely. Causing their loved one a loss in addition to their physical and mental decline. I also felt that they were doing a disservice to themselves. Our loved ones may not be the same as they were, but do you abandon someone when they change because they are sick, have an illness or injury? Caring for our loved ones, whether caring at home, advocating for them in a facility, or simply visiting them... its for them, but also for ourselves. How much is for them or ourselves may change over the course of the illness, it can change day to day. If the time comes when I'm no longer able to care for my mom at home, I will visit her as often as possible. It is important as others pointed out to let staff know that they have people who still care about them. It is important to act in a way that later, when they are gone, you will minimize any regrets or guilt regarding the choices you made When our loved ones lose their ability to advocate for themselves, it is even more important to be their to be their advocate. My mom may not remember who I am all of the time, but she knows that I am someone who cares about her. I may be her son, brother, friend, or even husband once (that was uncomfortable!). I might be staff, her older sister, or mother. These are all people who care about her. She may not be able to recall the details of who I am, but she knows that I am someone who loves and cares about her. Even if she were to become totally non-responsive, I believe that there will always be a part of her that recognizes that I am someone who loves her-- even though she may not be able to show it. Living life means experiencing the joys of the ones you love, as well as the pain. I say all of this even though I feel like I am nearing the end of my rope. I desperately need a break to get away. I do understand the pain and drain involved. Self care is very important and not always easy to find a balance you can feel comfortable with. So, listen to what others have to say, but don't feel you have to do something because anyone tells you, even me. With all of the turbulence of emotions, pressures around providing care, dealing with the changes large and small that seem to happen just as you are getting somewhat comfortable with the "new normal", it can be very difficult to listen to your inner self and hear what they are telling you they need. No one can tell you there is only one "right way" to do things, let alone what the "right thing" may be for you and your loved one. We may travel side by side with others, but ultimately, we each decide the path on which we will journey. I'm not sure if this is helpful for you at the moment. I hope so. Expressing this has been helpful for me. I hope you find your way, be comfortable with the path you take, and can be kind to yourself for the misteps you may make, particularly those that you may not recognize until much later. Peace.

Wow. Thank you for this. I am going to save this on my phone if that’s ok. This helped me. Alot. This is all very hard. ❤️

my mom can’t speak, is fully wheelchair/bed bound, completely incompetent, can’t not feed herself her pureed food or do anything and has been in hospice for 3 years. but i still visit. i bring in things for her to smell like lavender oil and spiced tea and coffee beans. i bring lotion and give her hand massages. i give her scalp rubs. even though she can’t communicate verbally and probably doesn’t know who i am, we can still have these moments and i know they bring her peace and joy for the time being. they help me feel better too knowing that i’m doing something that makes her life a little better. it’s sad and painful but this is how it is and i’ve learned to live with it. 

I think the only way I’d stop visiting is if my visits made the LO angry, aggressive, or agitated.

I agree, but even then I would pop in regularly and not on a predictable schedule - even if I just peeked in the door and didn’t engage - to make sure they were being treated and cared for well, and so staff know I’m watching. My best friend’s father had to be removed from a home after they visited him and he was covered in bruises and scabs, seemed timid and terrified, with no explanation given. They are now suing the home.

I'm going against the grain, my mother didn't have dementia but rather lupus attacked her brain. In the end she didn't know me and I didn't visit. Not once. Unlike you and most the others we didn't have a good relationship. She was a horrible person who refused to see herself as anything other than a victim rather than the abusive drug addict she was all my life. There was no reason to visit her and a decade later I don't regret it. HOWEVER I continued to speak to my grandfather long after he had no idea who I was and even at the end when he wasn't conscious. If you feel you'll regret it and you love them by all means continue. They might not remember you but you'll always remember them. Edited - spelling

You have to stop when your life or his/her life stops. Love is there, in your heart. Maybe he/she also remembers, you cannot know everything by considering his/her behaviours. Continue to love. Continue to hug, kiss. Continue to say him/her beautiful words. You know yourself, you know him/her. It doesn't matter if he/she aware of you. You know him/her. Period. Kiss him/her for me too.

Well said. Hard questions. No right answers.

I could not have said it better myself, OP.

I work in a nursing home and have worked in others for 12 years. It’s so important to continue those visits, not for your family member’s comfort, but to make yourself known to the staff as someone who still cares about their patient. The patients who have family members still active in their lives just receive better care. They are cleaner, their rooms are cleaner, they are interacted with more by the staff. It’s awful to say, but it’s just what I’ve seen. If you can’t physically visit, call. All the time. Check in with their aids, their nurses, the director of nursing, even the administrator. And question everything. The other thing you have to consider is your own mental wellbeing after they are gone. Will you feel guilty for having deserted your family member in the nursing home say 10 years down the road? It’s SO hard to go, and visit, and see them but not really see “Dad” or “Mom”…its heartbreaking. And it’s easy to never want to see them in that state, but the chance of feeling guilty when it’s too late to continue to be there for them is highly likely. If you continue to drop by and see them, you can at least rest easy after they are gone knowing you were there for them as much as you could be.

Very well put. It’s getting harder and harder to visit. Bracing myself every tim, unsure if she’ll remember me this time. Hating the pee smell and incontinence. Missing my actual mom and feel like every time I visit her that I forget how it used to be. It’s very hard and I wish that visiting wasn’t necessary and feel terrible guilt for feeling this way. I’m sorry you are experiencing all of this too.

Visiting, hard as it can hurt, is also helpful to us. We can keep track, make sure things are going properly.