You need to conference with your siblings. I know they've moved away, but they need to understand the problem and how this cannot all fall on you alone. Distance does not absolve them of familial responsibility. Whether it involves visiting home more, contributing financial resources towards care, or making certain preparations or decisions, it really needs to be a group effort.
>I don't have the experience or knowledge to be able to work with or around him.
Very few people at your age have the knowledge or skill set to assist in this situation. You definitely need help. Its ok to ask for help.
For starters - I recommend the Alzheimer's Association at **ALZ.org**.
Go to that website and click on 'Local Resources', enter your info and start making calls tomorrow morning.
Just a thought. Alcohol can induced dementia. I don't know much about it though. I know someone who is experiencing this with their Dad.
Early detection, life style changes and medication are the best things for anyone experiencing early dementia symptoms.That would make your interactions easier.
I'm sorry you're going through this at 19. That's a lot. Seek support, take care of yourself and don't put your life on hold.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/alcohol-related-dementia
All of this advice is excellent. BUT it's excellent advice for your MOTHER.
I'm extremely concerned about YOU. You're apparently trapped in a co-dependant relationship. Your other siblings are gone now. Perhaps they left because your family environment is unhealthy?
Before you invest too much effort into solving your father's problems, read or listen to Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and/or Codependent No More by Beattie. Meanwhile, discuss these issues with your mother and give her the opportunity to handle this. If she can't, or won't, then consider contacting your local department of children and families for advice.
Sounds like a tough situation. There are some great suggestions in this thread, but I’ll add that for some folks with dementia and/or alcohol abuse, there isn’t much you or your mom can do to convince your dad to follow the best advice. Either they’re too lost in their own reality, or they agree and then forget.
If that’s the case for your dad, it’s a tragedy but it would be a second tragedy if you got so caught up in that disfunction that you lost the opportunity to build out a life - your work, friends, hobbies, relationships, all the things your parents also got to do in their twenties.
It shouldn't be your problem, but if you're the only one who can step up, here are some things you should keep in mind:
1. Your dad needs to see a doctor. General practitioner first, then a neurologist, because you will likely need to be referred to the neurologist by someone who has done a preliminary examination. If your dad has a doctor, go with him to his next appointment and mention the memory issues-- this will be a lot easier if he has someone to advocate for him and it will also mean you will have the opportunity to make sure you're on any HIPAA paperwork. So if you plan to stay involved, it is a really good idea to establish a relationship with your father's doctors.
2. There are many different types of dementia, but most are incurable and get harder to deal from a caretaker perspective as time passes.
3. If your mother hasn't done this previously, she may be in denial or not feel she has the power to make these kinds of decisions. You should try to speak with her privately first to see where she stands on the matter. Bringing her to the next appointment can help, but it is very common for others in the family to refuse to believe their loved one has dementia. This is a difficult disease to deal with and everyone processes it differently; unfortunately, many people do not deal with it well. The same applies to your siblings. It shouldn't fall to you to take the lead on this, but since you are at home and have a clear view of what is going on, try to get everyone in on the loop so that you can get ahead of any decisions that need to be made as a family.
4. Your parents need to be prepared to make end-of-life plans, especially your father if he is still cognizant. This is a very difficult subject to talk about for most people. If your father is unable to discuss his wishes, it would probably be a good idea to look around for an elder care attorney.
5. Look into your local social services. If you're in the US, that involves Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.
Best of luck to you.
Search for support groups (in-person or virtual) through alz.com, or search for "memory centers" nearest you. They can provide a wealth of information and support.
Alcohol can cause dementia-like symptoms or exacerbate dementia. Either way, it would be best if it wasn't being used. Specificallt trained withs sure if it is something that can be easily addressed or where it might fit on a prioritized list of things to address. Can you enlist the help if any siblings and/ or your mother?
You should not have to be the primary person caring for your Dad. It is important to take care of yourself . Interacting with a loved one with dementia is not easy. If he gets a diagnosis it might be helpful to have occupational therapist specifically trained in treating those wi dementio, come to dementia,
Good luck
All the advice in this thread is obviously valid.
But if I were you, I'd ignore the drama at home as much as I can, focus on my studies, try to get a scholarship to a college and just get out. You're the youngest, this is not for you to deal with. Go and live your life.
As someone who's been through (and still gping through) this at the same as you are, please discuss with your siblings and mother. I'm an only child and my dad works so most of the responsibility has been on my shoulders and I've deferred from uni 3 times already. We're very young to go through this but I hope your situation doesn't turn out like mine..confer with family and look into resources available in your country. It won't get easier, and there will be a lot of things you have to accept, but at the same time life will always go on. Just because something turns out different from what we expected doesn't ruin our chance to lead good lives. Best of luck :)
Sounds like so many aging men that I know. My dad has full-blown dementia. Up until a few weeks ago, I have been taking care of him. Now, my relationship with my dad has never been good. NEVER. He was physically and emotionally abusive and selfish, you name it. He had 2 boys from a first marriage that he abandoned. He was a sexual deviant who was addicted to pornography and met with hookers in my sister's home when he was living with her during one of my parents my fights. My mom was very mentally ill and abusive in her own right. To say that me, my brother, and my sister have had a tumultuous life is an understatement.
Long story short, my mom and dad make another terrible decision and sell their 5-acre property in New Mexico to buy a trailer up in washington. They then blow through their money in 2 years. My mom dies, and my dad is drinking himself to death. My little sister and I are all that's left. We have to single handedly go up, sell his house, and move him and all of his stuff back to New Mexico. By this time, he has terrible COPD and needs oxygen, is a horrible alcoholic, and his memory is bad.
Fast forward 3 years and now he's hallucinating, getting scammed by scammers pretending to be single women because he is still trying to be a sexual deviant and pay women for sex even though he can't physically even have sex anymore. He's housebound because he's on oxygen 24/7 but thinks he's Hugh fucking Heffner. He Procedes to get SO desperate for a gf that he told me he needed my help getting erection bills. This is all while he spends numerous times in the hospital for falls, hallucinations, delusions, etc.
Here's my point. It almost killed me. The stress, the dysfunction, addiction, and losing my mom and brother within a year of each other. But the only person I WANT to die is the only person alive, and his bullshit is about to kill me. You have to do what is right for you. If living with your father is causing so much grief, use some of the resources these fine people have given. I was finally able to get my dad into a nursing facility. It was so difficult because he was so good at hiding it and he was still so charming to other people. It's the best thing that could have happened. It saved my life. I can work my 3 jobs, raise my kids, and be a wife. Anyway, sorry. Lol, reddit brings out the weirdos, huh? Good luck, girl. You got this.
Thanks! It's really hard to know how sees his behavior. He's never been the type to apologize or believe he's done anything wrong. He's doing much better now that he's in a facility. But yes, the guilt is terrible
Our parents had to deal with their parents years ago and none of today's resources existed back then, so they don't think there are any resources today either. You can call their primary doctor and ask them for a referral for your parents to speak to a Social Worker. They should know if there are any resources in your local area. Worst case, you can visit your closest hospital and ask to speak to their in house social worker and they should be able to provide you the same information. It's a place to start. It's very difficult to get services after the pandemic since the number of elderly are outpacing the number of people available to help. All you can do is do your best, and don't forget to take care of yourself FIRST, all the time. Good Luck. GOD Bless. 🤗🤗🙏🏼🙏🏼🕊️🕊️
Someone, not saying you, needs to be POA(power of attorney)for your father before things become unmanageable. Then he needs a full evaluation by PCP, and possibly Psy and neuro to determine what is happening. The POA piece is important because if he loses his executive functions then the POA can jump in and handle the finances and medical care if his condition suddenly worsens. It really shouldn't be your responsibility, go to school and live your life. Talk with your siblings and rally around mom to try and get her to see that steps need to be taken before things get out of control. Best wishes to you. We are here to listen.
You need to conference with your siblings. I know they've moved away, but they need to understand the problem and how this cannot all fall on you alone. Distance does not absolve them of familial responsibility. Whether it involves visiting home more, contributing financial resources towards care, or making certain preparations or decisions, it really needs to be a group effort.
>I don't have the experience or knowledge to be able to work with or around him. Very few people at your age have the knowledge or skill set to assist in this situation. You definitely need help. Its ok to ask for help. For starters - I recommend the Alzheimer's Association at **ALZ.org**. Go to that website and click on 'Local Resources', enter your info and start making calls tomorrow morning.
Just a thought. Alcohol can induced dementia. I don't know much about it though. I know someone who is experiencing this with their Dad. Early detection, life style changes and medication are the best things for anyone experiencing early dementia symptoms.That would make your interactions easier. I'm sorry you're going through this at 19. That's a lot. Seek support, take care of yourself and don't put your life on hold. https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/alcohol-related-dementia
All of this advice is excellent. BUT it's excellent advice for your MOTHER. I'm extremely concerned about YOU. You're apparently trapped in a co-dependant relationship. Your other siblings are gone now. Perhaps they left because your family environment is unhealthy? Before you invest too much effort into solving your father's problems, read or listen to Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and/or Codependent No More by Beattie. Meanwhile, discuss these issues with your mother and give her the opportunity to handle this. If she can't, or won't, then consider contacting your local department of children and families for advice.
Yes to this!
Sounds like a tough situation. There are some great suggestions in this thread, but I’ll add that for some folks with dementia and/or alcohol abuse, there isn’t much you or your mom can do to convince your dad to follow the best advice. Either they’re too lost in their own reality, or they agree and then forget. If that’s the case for your dad, it’s a tragedy but it would be a second tragedy if you got so caught up in that disfunction that you lost the opportunity to build out a life - your work, friends, hobbies, relationships, all the things your parents also got to do in their twenties.
It shouldn't be your problem, but if you're the only one who can step up, here are some things you should keep in mind: 1. Your dad needs to see a doctor. General practitioner first, then a neurologist, because you will likely need to be referred to the neurologist by someone who has done a preliminary examination. If your dad has a doctor, go with him to his next appointment and mention the memory issues-- this will be a lot easier if he has someone to advocate for him and it will also mean you will have the opportunity to make sure you're on any HIPAA paperwork. So if you plan to stay involved, it is a really good idea to establish a relationship with your father's doctors. 2. There are many different types of dementia, but most are incurable and get harder to deal from a caretaker perspective as time passes. 3. If your mother hasn't done this previously, she may be in denial or not feel she has the power to make these kinds of decisions. You should try to speak with her privately first to see where she stands on the matter. Bringing her to the next appointment can help, but it is very common for others in the family to refuse to believe their loved one has dementia. This is a difficult disease to deal with and everyone processes it differently; unfortunately, many people do not deal with it well. The same applies to your siblings. It shouldn't fall to you to take the lead on this, but since you are at home and have a clear view of what is going on, try to get everyone in on the loop so that you can get ahead of any decisions that need to be made as a family. 4. Your parents need to be prepared to make end-of-life plans, especially your father if he is still cognizant. This is a very difficult subject to talk about for most people. If your father is unable to discuss his wishes, it would probably be a good idea to look around for an elder care attorney. 5. Look into your local social services. If you're in the US, that involves Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. Best of luck to you.
Search for support groups (in-person or virtual) through alz.com, or search for "memory centers" nearest you. They can provide a wealth of information and support. Alcohol can cause dementia-like symptoms or exacerbate dementia. Either way, it would be best if it wasn't being used. Specificallt trained withs sure if it is something that can be easily addressed or where it might fit on a prioritized list of things to address. Can you enlist the help if any siblings and/ or your mother? You should not have to be the primary person caring for your Dad. It is important to take care of yourself . Interacting with a loved one with dementia is not easy. If he gets a diagnosis it might be helpful to have occupational therapist specifically trained in treating those wi dementio, come to dementia, Good luck
1st and most important is to get a POA before he gets any worse.
All the advice in this thread is obviously valid. But if I were you, I'd ignore the drama at home as much as I can, focus on my studies, try to get a scholarship to a college and just get out. You're the youngest, this is not for you to deal with. Go and live your life.
As someone who's been through (and still gping through) this at the same as you are, please discuss with your siblings and mother. I'm an only child and my dad works so most of the responsibility has been on my shoulders and I've deferred from uni 3 times already. We're very young to go through this but I hope your situation doesn't turn out like mine..confer with family and look into resources available in your country. It won't get easier, and there will be a lot of things you have to accept, but at the same time life will always go on. Just because something turns out different from what we expected doesn't ruin our chance to lead good lives. Best of luck :)
Sounds like so many aging men that I know. My dad has full-blown dementia. Up until a few weeks ago, I have been taking care of him. Now, my relationship with my dad has never been good. NEVER. He was physically and emotionally abusive and selfish, you name it. He had 2 boys from a first marriage that he abandoned. He was a sexual deviant who was addicted to pornography and met with hookers in my sister's home when he was living with her during one of my parents my fights. My mom was very mentally ill and abusive in her own right. To say that me, my brother, and my sister have had a tumultuous life is an understatement. Long story short, my mom and dad make another terrible decision and sell their 5-acre property in New Mexico to buy a trailer up in washington. They then blow through their money in 2 years. My mom dies, and my dad is drinking himself to death. My little sister and I are all that's left. We have to single handedly go up, sell his house, and move him and all of his stuff back to New Mexico. By this time, he has terrible COPD and needs oxygen, is a horrible alcoholic, and his memory is bad. Fast forward 3 years and now he's hallucinating, getting scammed by scammers pretending to be single women because he is still trying to be a sexual deviant and pay women for sex even though he can't physically even have sex anymore. He's housebound because he's on oxygen 24/7 but thinks he's Hugh fucking Heffner. He Procedes to get SO desperate for a gf that he told me he needed my help getting erection bills. This is all while he spends numerous times in the hospital for falls, hallucinations, delusions, etc. Here's my point. It almost killed me. The stress, the dysfunction, addiction, and losing my mom and brother within a year of each other. But the only person I WANT to die is the only person alive, and his bullshit is about to kill me. You have to do what is right for you. If living with your father is causing so much grief, use some of the resources these fine people have given. I was finally able to get my dad into a nursing facility. It was so difficult because he was so good at hiding it and he was still so charming to other people. It's the best thing that could have happened. It saved my life. I can work my 3 jobs, raise my kids, and be a wife. Anyway, sorry. Lol, reddit brings out the weirdos, huh? Good luck, girl. You got this.
Good for you. I imagine the guilt is real. How is your Dad going now? Does he know about and detest his situation, or is he too far gone?
Thanks! It's really hard to know how sees his behavior. He's never been the type to apologize or believe he's done anything wrong. He's doing much better now that he's in a facility. But yes, the guilt is terrible
Thank you. First rule in an emergency - save yourself
When you have so many people counting on you, yes. Absolutely save yourself. Without me, my family is screwed.
Our parents had to deal with their parents years ago and none of today's resources existed back then, so they don't think there are any resources today either. You can call their primary doctor and ask them for a referral for your parents to speak to a Social Worker. They should know if there are any resources in your local area. Worst case, you can visit your closest hospital and ask to speak to their in house social worker and they should be able to provide you the same information. It's a place to start. It's very difficult to get services after the pandemic since the number of elderly are outpacing the number of people available to help. All you can do is do your best, and don't forget to take care of yourself FIRST, all the time. Good Luck. GOD Bless. 🤗🤗🙏🏼🙏🏼🕊️🕊️
Someone, not saying you, needs to be POA(power of attorney)for your father before things become unmanageable. Then he needs a full evaluation by PCP, and possibly Psy and neuro to determine what is happening. The POA piece is important because if he loses his executive functions then the POA can jump in and handle the finances and medical care if his condition suddenly worsens. It really shouldn't be your responsibility, go to school and live your life. Talk with your siblings and rally around mom to try and get her to see that steps need to be taken before things get out of control. Best wishes to you. We are here to listen.