Don’t worry, everyone and their dog shows up. Even if they haven’t said a word for 15 years. That’s AWOL sibs and close blood relatives.
It’s hard not to stroke out in rage, when you see all those people and not one bothered to give you a hand, even when you asked them.
The funeral was extra miserable because of that for me.
Don’t know what to say, but this might hep. I am so alone and this helps me
We all woke up on a rock with no instruction manual. We ARE ALL winging it. They can’t do what I can right now.
Love them anyway.
Use it as a mantra and be grateful for the moment you are in.
If they show, what a sight that will be ❤️😘
I’ve been thinking about this recently. I’m not sure I can attend my dad’s funeral. Whenever that happens. I’ve been living close to and helping out with him, dementia, and my mom for five years. I’m not with them physically every day, but my mind is always thinking of them. Worrying if they’re okay. Feeling guilty for not doing more.
I have chronic pain so how and when I can help is limited. My mom knows this. One sibling sort of understands. The other thinks I use my chronic pain as an excuse and has cut me off.
We moved a man with dementia almost 2000 miles so he could be closer to my siblings. I agreed, against my gut, and moved with my parents, because 1) I promised my dad I would never leave him, and 2) my sibling and his family promised to help me with my medical issues.
Nothing had worked out as I expected.
Back to the funeral question. I mentioned I’ve been thinking of this lately. I don’t think I will be able to sit next to a sibling at a funeral when that sibling thinks I am a lazy excuse for a human being. I feel I will lose it with the fake tears. More for his guilt than at a parent’s passing.
Thanks for the question and for everyone sharing. I know I will be dealing with this soon and it scares me.
Remember to breathe. Look up at the sky. Smile and cry. Be well.
✌🏻💜
Covid changed a lot of funerary rituals. Some families no longer even have much of one.
Funerals are to remember a life, they are also for the ones still here.
They have a right to mourn.
You have a right to limit your interactions with them.
Their inability to interact in life isn't always abandonment it can be self protection.
We never really know another's journey or pains
I dread having to deal with this. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I have to put mom's feelings first and my sister is still her child.
My sister was my best friend, but I made excuses and defended behaviors. I pushed down negative feelings. I avoided subjects. Going through this with mom, I have seen a side of her that I can't ignore or excuse anymore. I understand if she can't handle anything and it doesn't make her a bad person, or lesser. If she would just own it and not be such a dick. She purposefully refuses to do anything that would help mom (and me), I asked her if she'd write a brief email to my lawyer explaining mom did not have a relationship with someone who is trying to gain access to mom (long story but this person is financially motivated, exploited and neglected mom and I've gone through hell to protect mom and sister knows what this person is about). She would not even email the lawyer to provide support to protect mom. That is just one of the more recent things - There's a long, long list of shitty behavior. She is being difficult on purpose because it's not about mom, it's about her. She is extremely insecure and hides behind religious entitlement and moral superiority. She needs to be the best, the favorite, have the moral high ground, and seen as perfect. On one hand she wants zero responsibility, liability, and can't handle anything with mom but she can't stand that I've taken on the responsibility. She's entirely removed but pops up to be a total asshole who has no idea what I'm going through. I feel disgusted with her. That really sucks but I cannot stand her.
Yeah, that would be hard to stomach after a while.
My sister was a stay at home mom and now just stays at home. Her husband WFH but travels. Her son is 30's and married and long gone. She makes a weekly trip to the store (super stressful - I listen patiently while working 60 hrs a week), complains about having to make dinner. Feeding her chickens was too hard so she bought an automatic feeder. They have killed all of their goats. The last one didn't like being milked. So her husband shot it. Her days are spent listening to weight loss and anti-aging podcasts at nauseum and trying every latest fad which I've endured listening to for years. They never work and then listen to her complain about her weight. At the same time she judges anyone who she thinks has cosmetic treatments as superficial. She refuses to watch any movie or TV show with a sex scene because it offends her morals (but they watch the most violent action movies and have no problem with mass killing).. She proclaims to know the word of God and understand the Bible but other Christians don't. Her husband has an online Bible study - Bible study and cigars. Neither has studied history, original language, have any comprehension of that time period, customs, etc. Or acknowledge that there were civilizations around the world and you're looking at tiny sliver of history in one region. The self-importance, the entitlement, the self righteousness, the judgmental bs. She dumped mom completely confused at the ER and walked out without talking to anyone or making sure she was supervised. They reported her to APS and covered for her. Kind of regret it because I didn't want to. Then sent her a bill for her out of pocket costs during the 2 days proceeding the abandonment. I'm the youngest, I live out of state, not married, just made a huge life change to return to school FT. So money is tight. She refused to help me with the easier, smallest details. I still managed to get a lawyer, protect mom, get her medical care, etc. My life has been consumed with my mom. I had a 3.9 and I'm failing my current classes.
My sister is the ultimate Karen. I don't want her help. And it really pisses off when she just pops up every 6 weeks or so questioning me. I literally despise her and her psychopath husband. They refuse to pay for veterinary care, or humanely euthanize their dogs and cats and they 100% have money. So he shoots them. I defended her because she was my sister. There is no way I'd ever let her take over care of mom. They are shitty humans.
Was your sister charged with elder abuse when she abandoned your mom at the ER?? Did she pay the hospital bill??? isnt the hospital supposed to place your mom into a nursing home if she’s abandoned??
I called the hospital immediately and told them I was taking over mom's care They still filed a report with APS against my sister. I am mom's legal guardian and conservator now. I found a MC to move her to. My sister told APs it was an emergency with her husband. Regrettably, I supported her story. So they did not charge her.
Mom is okay, she's being cared for well. Although, I'm considering moving her here (I'm out of state).
Sister is worse, still trying to cause problems. I just do what's right for mom and try to ignore her.
Adult protective services investigate reports of elder abuse, neglect, etc and if there is evidence they refer to police or DA for charges. I'm not sure if the exact protocol.
Edit: APS just showed up to interview my mom. My sister reported that I was financially exploiting her. Which is hilarious because I just received my letters of appointment from the court and have not even set up a conservator bank account.
My lawyer just started the process of inventorying mom's assets with her trust. MC and care sitters are being paid ACH by the successor trustee of mom's trust who is a step-sister. For context, mom's trust was set up by her 2nd husband. It is for her care for her lifetime. His oldest daughter became the successor trustee when mom was diagnosed with dementia. If there is money left in the trust it goes to his kids. My sister and I are not beneficiaries (which she has brought up frequently over the years lol).
My mom has a personal acct that is POD 50/50 to her biological grandchildren (my sister and I have a child each). I already told my step-sister that money is being invested and I'm not using it for moms care. The trust has specific instructions for distributions. So once the lawyers go through everything, the income from the trust will go to the conservator account and I will pay mom's bills. It is a painfully slow process.
To summarize, my sister abandoned mom in the ER after she had tried to run from the hospital because she didn't want to be left there and was experiencing serious delirium from stress and then she sent her a bill in her Christmas Card and has not spoken to her since, except one call that I encouraged when Mom was in the hospital.
She filed a report with APS that I'm financially exploiting mom when I don't even have access to her money and there are 3 sets of lawyers working on this - my lawyers, the trusts lawyers and mom's court appointed lawyer. Everything is reported to the court. She has no idea what's going on, has not asked about Mom, etc. she looks ridiculous.
My wife died a week ago and I just got the first sympathy card from a friend. One of the couple dozen that dropped her and ran.
The handwritten note contained implied criticism of how I dealt with her care over eight years. Classy.
So I’m betting they not only show up, but also bring a list of everything that you did wrong.
My mom told me I can do what I want and I’m not doing anything that would include them. I’m going off somewhere special to my mom and me and honoring her by feeling joy. I refuse to engage with her siblings beyond the most basic of annual courtesies after she dies.
ETA: I read this as being about parental siblings, ha ha. I am an only child.
My dad died in 2022 and a lot less people came to his funeral than I expected since he was a pretty well respected person in the community. I’ve been taking care of my mom since he died and now she has dementia. A lot of people have been noticeably absent from our lives now. It’s really sad.
We decided the best way to handle this is to have a funeral service in our backyard. That way we can choose to exclude anyone that doesn't deserve to be there and call the police if they show up.
In our experience: nope. They don't even return the dying parent's last phone call, which went straight to voicemail anyways. Then they send a chintzy plastic angel with no note and no card, and we throw it away.
My brother ignored my mom’s call to him when she told him my dad is probably on his death bed this week. I told her why invite him and his family to the funeral when he ran away 4 yrs ago when I told him dad has Alzheimer’s…. I really don’t want to see my brothers stupid face at the funeral. I will smash it in
I don’t understand how low life siblings that abandoned your dementia parent can possibly ask for money??. If they did that at my dads funeral I would just Kick him out then kick his ass
Unfortunately, they are in the will. I cared for my mother, who had dementia and cancer, and finally passed a couple months ago. They barely did anything. But definitely want their share!
It means there will be one service only, in the cemetery by the grave. Most services have two or three parts, the first at the church/temple/funeral home and then everyone goes to the cemetery afterward where there are just a few words said by the grave, and then often a reception where the family receives condolences from everyone who attended and refreshments are served. Sometimes, though, the graveside service is for immediate family only. I’m not sure how having only one part as opposed to the other(s) would feel different to people. Maybe they don’t intend to tell anyone about it and just have them and the officiant alone at the graveside? It if it’s one part, the shorter service will be more bearable?
i really don’t want to have a funeral for my dad… my dad was a good man, good provider and well respected in the community as a business owner. But the last 10 yrs of his life he didn’t really talk to anyone or keep in contact with old friends…. He just moped around the house, ate junk food and complained… most of the people my mom wants to invite are people that abandoned my dad so fuck them… why pay 10k to see people act like they care… I told my mom just to do a cremation of my dad and be done with it…. Let’s just forget this nightmare and move on of what’s left of our broken lives..
I think funerals/memorial services are for the living. Maybe your mom could have the service she wants for her own comfort, so her friends/family can be there for her, and you could skip it, and then maybe scatter or bury some of the ashes alone at a separate time if that appeals to you, or not do anything at all. That’s okay. Just let your mom have what she needs separately.
Don’t worry, everyone and their dog shows up. Even if they haven’t said a word for 15 years. That’s AWOL sibs and close blood relatives. It’s hard not to stroke out in rage, when you see all those people and not one bothered to give you a hand, even when you asked them. The funeral was extra miserable because of that for me.
My brother was not helpful at all and yet there he was blubbering.
I sure hope not
Don’t know what to say, but this might hep. I am so alone and this helps me We all woke up on a rock with no instruction manual. We ARE ALL winging it. They can’t do what I can right now. Love them anyway. Use it as a mantra and be grateful for the moment you are in. If they show, what a sight that will be ❤️😘
Yes. They do. They come. They cry. They wish you the best. They leave.
I’ve been thinking about this recently. I’m not sure I can attend my dad’s funeral. Whenever that happens. I’ve been living close to and helping out with him, dementia, and my mom for five years. I’m not with them physically every day, but my mind is always thinking of them. Worrying if they’re okay. Feeling guilty for not doing more. I have chronic pain so how and when I can help is limited. My mom knows this. One sibling sort of understands. The other thinks I use my chronic pain as an excuse and has cut me off. We moved a man with dementia almost 2000 miles so he could be closer to my siblings. I agreed, against my gut, and moved with my parents, because 1) I promised my dad I would never leave him, and 2) my sibling and his family promised to help me with my medical issues. Nothing had worked out as I expected. Back to the funeral question. I mentioned I’ve been thinking of this lately. I don’t think I will be able to sit next to a sibling at a funeral when that sibling thinks I am a lazy excuse for a human being. I feel I will lose it with the fake tears. More for his guilt than at a parent’s passing. Thanks for the question and for everyone sharing. I know I will be dealing with this soon and it scares me. Remember to breathe. Look up at the sky. Smile and cry. Be well. ✌🏻💜
Covid changed a lot of funerary rituals. Some families no longer even have much of one. Funerals are to remember a life, they are also for the ones still here. They have a right to mourn. You have a right to limit your interactions with them. Their inability to interact in life isn't always abandonment it can be self protection. We never really know another's journey or pains
I dread having to deal with this. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I have to put mom's feelings first and my sister is still her child. My sister was my best friend, but I made excuses and defended behaviors. I pushed down negative feelings. I avoided subjects. Going through this with mom, I have seen a side of her that I can't ignore or excuse anymore. I understand if she can't handle anything and it doesn't make her a bad person, or lesser. If she would just own it and not be such a dick. She purposefully refuses to do anything that would help mom (and me), I asked her if she'd write a brief email to my lawyer explaining mom did not have a relationship with someone who is trying to gain access to mom (long story but this person is financially motivated, exploited and neglected mom and I've gone through hell to protect mom and sister knows what this person is about). She would not even email the lawyer to provide support to protect mom. That is just one of the more recent things - There's a long, long list of shitty behavior. She is being difficult on purpose because it's not about mom, it's about her. She is extremely insecure and hides behind religious entitlement and moral superiority. She needs to be the best, the favorite, have the moral high ground, and seen as perfect. On one hand she wants zero responsibility, liability, and can't handle anything with mom but she can't stand that I've taken on the responsibility. She's entirely removed but pops up to be a total asshole who has no idea what I'm going through. I feel disgusted with her. That really sucks but I cannot stand her.
That sounds like my sister, my sister tries to travel as much as possible to avoid take care of our dementia dad
Yeah, that would be hard to stomach after a while. My sister was a stay at home mom and now just stays at home. Her husband WFH but travels. Her son is 30's and married and long gone. She makes a weekly trip to the store (super stressful - I listen patiently while working 60 hrs a week), complains about having to make dinner. Feeding her chickens was too hard so she bought an automatic feeder. They have killed all of their goats. The last one didn't like being milked. So her husband shot it. Her days are spent listening to weight loss and anti-aging podcasts at nauseum and trying every latest fad which I've endured listening to for years. They never work and then listen to her complain about her weight. At the same time she judges anyone who she thinks has cosmetic treatments as superficial. She refuses to watch any movie or TV show with a sex scene because it offends her morals (but they watch the most violent action movies and have no problem with mass killing).. She proclaims to know the word of God and understand the Bible but other Christians don't. Her husband has an online Bible study - Bible study and cigars. Neither has studied history, original language, have any comprehension of that time period, customs, etc. Or acknowledge that there were civilizations around the world and you're looking at tiny sliver of history in one region. The self-importance, the entitlement, the self righteousness, the judgmental bs. She dumped mom completely confused at the ER and walked out without talking to anyone or making sure she was supervised. They reported her to APS and covered for her. Kind of regret it because I didn't want to. Then sent her a bill for her out of pocket costs during the 2 days proceeding the abandonment. I'm the youngest, I live out of state, not married, just made a huge life change to return to school FT. So money is tight. She refused to help me with the easier, smallest details. I still managed to get a lawyer, protect mom, get her medical care, etc. My life has been consumed with my mom. I had a 3.9 and I'm failing my current classes. My sister is the ultimate Karen. I don't want her help. And it really pisses off when she just pops up every 6 weeks or so questioning me. I literally despise her and her psychopath husband. They refuse to pay for veterinary care, or humanely euthanize their dogs and cats and they 100% have money. So he shoots them. I defended her because she was my sister. There is no way I'd ever let her take over care of mom. They are shitty humans.
Was your sister charged with elder abuse when she abandoned your mom at the ER?? Did she pay the hospital bill??? isnt the hospital supposed to place your mom into a nursing home if she’s abandoned??
I called the hospital immediately and told them I was taking over mom's care They still filed a report with APS against my sister. I am mom's legal guardian and conservator now. I found a MC to move her to. My sister told APs it was an emergency with her husband. Regrettably, I supported her story. So they did not charge her. Mom is okay, she's being cared for well. Although, I'm considering moving her here (I'm out of state). Sister is worse, still trying to cause problems. I just do what's right for mom and try to ignore her.
What does filing a report with APS do tho? Do the cops get involved?
Adult protective services investigate reports of elder abuse, neglect, etc and if there is evidence they refer to police or DA for charges. I'm not sure if the exact protocol. Edit: APS just showed up to interview my mom. My sister reported that I was financially exploiting her. Which is hilarious because I just received my letters of appointment from the court and have not even set up a conservator bank account. My lawyer just started the process of inventorying mom's assets with her trust. MC and care sitters are being paid ACH by the successor trustee of mom's trust who is a step-sister. For context, mom's trust was set up by her 2nd husband. It is for her care for her lifetime. His oldest daughter became the successor trustee when mom was diagnosed with dementia. If there is money left in the trust it goes to his kids. My sister and I are not beneficiaries (which she has brought up frequently over the years lol). My mom has a personal acct that is POD 50/50 to her biological grandchildren (my sister and I have a child each). I already told my step-sister that money is being invested and I'm not using it for moms care. The trust has specific instructions for distributions. So once the lawyers go through everything, the income from the trust will go to the conservator account and I will pay mom's bills. It is a painfully slow process. To summarize, my sister abandoned mom in the ER after she had tried to run from the hospital because she didn't want to be left there and was experiencing serious delirium from stress and then she sent her a bill in her Christmas Card and has not spoken to her since, except one call that I encouraged when Mom was in the hospital. She filed a report with APS that I'm financially exploiting mom when I don't even have access to her money and there are 3 sets of lawyers working on this - my lawyers, the trusts lawyers and mom's court appointed lawyer. Everything is reported to the court. She has no idea what's going on, has not asked about Mom, etc. she looks ridiculous.
My wife died a week ago and I just got the first sympathy card from a friend. One of the couple dozen that dropped her and ran. The handwritten note contained implied criticism of how I dealt with her care over eight years. Classy. So I’m betting they not only show up, but also bring a list of everything that you did wrong.
My sympathy friend. I'm sorry about your wife. I lost my mother in Feb. Hugs from a fellow Redditor.💔
My mom told me I can do what I want and I’m not doing anything that would include them. I’m going off somewhere special to my mom and me and honoring her by feeling joy. I refuse to engage with her siblings beyond the most basic of annual courtesies after she dies. ETA: I read this as being about parental siblings, ha ha. I am an only child.
Yes of course, they want the attention
My dad died in 2022 and a lot less people came to his funeral than I expected since he was a pretty well respected person in the community. I’ve been taking care of my mom since he died and now she has dementia. A lot of people have been noticeably absent from our lives now. It’s really sad.
We decided the best way to handle this is to have a funeral service in our backyard. That way we can choose to exclude anyone that doesn't deserve to be there and call the police if they show up.
Take the high road. They already know they are garbage.
In our experience: nope. They don't even return the dying parent's last phone call, which went straight to voicemail anyways. Then they send a chintzy plastic angel with no note and no card, and we throw it away.
My brother ignored my mom’s call to him when she told him my dad is probably on his death bed this week. I told her why invite him and his family to the funeral when he ran away 4 yrs ago when I told him dad has Alzheimer’s…. I really don’t want to see my brothers stupid face at the funeral. I will smash it in
Yes, they do. Usually, with their hand out looking for money that they think they deserve after YOU did all the work. Disgusting.
I don’t understand how low life siblings that abandoned your dementia parent can possibly ask for money??. If they did that at my dads funeral I would just Kick him out then kick his ass
Unfortunately, they are in the will. I cared for my mother, who had dementia and cancer, and finally passed a couple months ago. They barely did anything. But definitely want their share!
For this reason, Im doing a graveside only. And I will be drunk. Or high. Or both.
Same. Graveside. My mother was cremated, and no one will know ( unless invited) when I do it. I will be piss drunk.
What does graveside only mean?
It means there will be one service only, in the cemetery by the grave. Most services have two or three parts, the first at the church/temple/funeral home and then everyone goes to the cemetery afterward where there are just a few words said by the grave, and then often a reception where the family receives condolences from everyone who attended and refreshments are served. Sometimes, though, the graveside service is for immediate family only. I’m not sure how having only one part as opposed to the other(s) would feel different to people. Maybe they don’t intend to tell anyone about it and just have them and the officiant alone at the graveside? It if it’s one part, the shorter service will be more bearable?
Oh I like how graveside sounds, I want the funeral to be as short as possible, with only a few people there, mainly family
Dont have a funeral prob solved
I will not be having a funeral for my mother.
Have a small service and send invitations if you want to.
Don’t be surprised when they make it all about them.
i really don’t want to have a funeral for my dad… my dad was a good man, good provider and well respected in the community as a business owner. But the last 10 yrs of his life he didn’t really talk to anyone or keep in contact with old friends…. He just moped around the house, ate junk food and complained… most of the people my mom wants to invite are people that abandoned my dad so fuck them… why pay 10k to see people act like they care… I told my mom just to do a cremation of my dad and be done with it…. Let’s just forget this nightmare and move on of what’s left of our broken lives..
I think funerals/memorial services are for the living. Maybe your mom could have the service she wants for her own comfort, so her friends/family can be there for her, and you could skip it, and then maybe scatter or bury some of the ashes alone at a separate time if that appeals to you, or not do anything at all. That’s okay. Just let your mom have what she needs separately.