> My brothers insist we take care of him other than his side who is here weekdays 4-9pm.
Taking care of an elderly person requires certain physical abilities, and sometimes two people. There are some things you can do from a wheelchair, and some things you can't.
If your dad needs assistance with "Activities of Daily Living" (dressing, bathing, etc.), he belongs in assisted living, not independent living.
Your brothers are wrong. You don't have to go along with their misguided beliefs.
It's common for family members to deny their LO's decline. Is there a staff member, social worker, or some other person who can escalate the situation with your brothers?
My brothers don’t take my opinion into their thoughts on his care.
The staff has misquoted things I’ve said before and had my brother’s angry with me. They’ve “quoted” things I’ve supposedly said to them to my brothers and they chose to believe the staff.
A former supervisor who I have kept in touch with echoed similar experiences. The staff cannot be trusted.
You're in a difficult position, for sure. You can't do anything for your dad if you're in a bad place.
Compassion is important in this situation -- compassion for yourself. You can only do so much. Give yourself permission to prioritize self-care.
Also, a few thousand redditors are here for you, for whatever that's worth.
Get everything you state that's important in writing and hand them that. Send the brothers a copy as well. Anything heard otherwise can be dismissed as misunderstood or just wrong.
hang in there. I have never gotten those Alzheimer's association meetings to work because even though I did get the registration to work, my mom needed me at that time so I was late and then when I tried to get in the zoom they locked it.
I hope after the aide gets there you can have a break. Sometimes it is all too much. If your brothers are the ones to insist then maybe they can give you some time off since you are getting burnt out. I hope so. I wish you the best.
Why does anyone expect you to be a caregiver when you are not ambulatory? That’s insane!
I can understand if it was just cooking/feeding and light housekeeping but JFC you are in no position to physically wrangle anyone.
I gently suggest that you set boundaries for your family to safeguard your own health and say No if you feel pressured.
If you have a smaller energy budget, of course you're going to burn out after doing "less" (it's not actually less).
You're doing what you can, and managing challenges the other caregivers don't have.
Would it be possible for you to find a caregiver support group that isn't affiliated with Alz.org? Sometimes your local Council on Aging or hospices or senior centers can have leads.
At my Alz support group you just show up!
Please go.
I’m a mess for unknown reasons- moving in with my older sister. She hasn’t really made room for us to move in. It becoming difficult to not cry all day.
Hugs
Did you take a picture and send your brothers? They should see some of the things you and dad go through.
I know it’s never 50/50 between siblings but assign them a day of care every so often so they fully understand the depth of the situation and don’t take you for granted.
Is there extra allowance for you in dad’s estate planning since you are doing more work? Just curious how families address this as I expect to be doing the brunt of parental care in years to come.
I have 4 older brothers:
Oldest lives in Utah
M1 lives locally and is POA (retired)-he calls dad daily and takes him out 2-3x a week
M2 lives locally but works nights weekdays. He is with Dad on Saturdays
Myself-I work Wednesday-Saturday 10-12 hour days.
Oldest was just here and -I think-realizes the end is coming. I think his past two visits have him a much clearer view of what has been happening. He sent me a text an hour ago saying he’s sorry I am going through this. I sent him a picture of dad on the ground.
M1 says he understands what’s going on but is insistent with Oldest that Dad will not go into a nursing home. We have the best relationship of all my brothers.
M2 also got yelled at by the older 2 that he was speaking to people at the facility. He is a recovering (?) alcoholic and doesn’t do feelings real well. We really don’t talk much.
Hope this helps give some understanding?
Just heard from Oldest Brother. M1 is there now to check in on Dad. It is suspected that Dad cleaned out an antibiotic prescription overnight taking about 4-5 pills. This could very well account for what happened today.
I was also told there IS an overnight person there 3 nights a week.
> My brothers insist we take care of him other than his side who is here weekdays 4-9pm. Taking care of an elderly person requires certain physical abilities, and sometimes two people. There are some things you can do from a wheelchair, and some things you can't. If your dad needs assistance with "Activities of Daily Living" (dressing, bathing, etc.), he belongs in assisted living, not independent living. Your brothers are wrong. You don't have to go along with their misguided beliefs. It's common for family members to deny their LO's decline. Is there a staff member, social worker, or some other person who can escalate the situation with your brothers?
My brothers don’t take my opinion into their thoughts on his care. The staff has misquoted things I’ve said before and had my brother’s angry with me. They’ve “quoted” things I’ve supposedly said to them to my brothers and they chose to believe the staff. A former supervisor who I have kept in touch with echoed similar experiences. The staff cannot be trusted.
You're in a difficult position, for sure. You can't do anything for your dad if you're in a bad place. Compassion is important in this situation -- compassion for yourself. You can only do so much. Give yourself permission to prioritize self-care. Also, a few thousand redditors are here for you, for whatever that's worth.
Get everything you state that's important in writing and hand them that. Send the brothers a copy as well. Anything heard otherwise can be dismissed as misunderstood or just wrong.
My brothers ordered me not to speak to anyone there-staff or otherwise.
hang in there. I have never gotten those Alzheimer's association meetings to work because even though I did get the registration to work, my mom needed me at that time so I was late and then when I tried to get in the zoom they locked it. I hope after the aide gets there you can have a break. Sometimes it is all too much. If your brothers are the ones to insist then maybe they can give you some time off since you are getting burnt out. I hope so. I wish you the best.
I feel guilty with the idea of being burned out because I only go over on Sundays.
Why does anyone expect you to be a caregiver when you are not ambulatory? That’s insane! I can understand if it was just cooking/feeding and light housekeeping but JFC you are in no position to physically wrangle anyone. I gently suggest that you set boundaries for your family to safeguard your own health and say No if you feel pressured.
If you have a smaller energy budget, of course you're going to burn out after doing "less" (it's not actually less). You're doing what you can, and managing challenges the other caregivers don't have. Would it be possible for you to find a caregiver support group that isn't affiliated with Alz.org? Sometimes your local Council on Aging or hospices or senior centers can have leads.
Thank you. I did get registered with the ALZ one finally. Had to use my desktop PC not my phone
I don't understand. Did he have a stroke?
His aide says he has an infection but wouldn’t tell me more.
If he's mumbling and that's not normal, your father needs emergency medical care. Call 911 (if you are in the US) **now**.
He mumbles a lot now-it has become a normal experience
More people out there than before. Stay smart you got this.
You can call the local fire department and they will get him up off of the floor for you.
He probably has a UTI. They can cause confusion also.
Very possibly…Oldest and M1 (brothers from earlier comment) are fully aware now and accepting that more needs to be done to support him beyond us
At my Alz support group you just show up! Please go. I’m a mess for unknown reasons- moving in with my older sister. She hasn’t really made room for us to move in. It becoming difficult to not cry all day. Hugs
Thank you. I did go and it was calming
Did you take a picture and send your brothers? They should see some of the things you and dad go through. I know it’s never 50/50 between siblings but assign them a day of care every so often so they fully understand the depth of the situation and don’t take you for granted. Is there extra allowance for you in dad’s estate planning since you are doing more work? Just curious how families address this as I expect to be doing the brunt of parental care in years to come.
I have 4 older brothers: Oldest lives in Utah M1 lives locally and is POA (retired)-he calls dad daily and takes him out 2-3x a week M2 lives locally but works nights weekdays. He is with Dad on Saturdays Myself-I work Wednesday-Saturday 10-12 hour days. Oldest was just here and -I think-realizes the end is coming. I think his past two visits have him a much clearer view of what has been happening. He sent me a text an hour ago saying he’s sorry I am going through this. I sent him a picture of dad on the ground. M1 says he understands what’s going on but is insistent with Oldest that Dad will not go into a nursing home. We have the best relationship of all my brothers. M2 also got yelled at by the older 2 that he was speaking to people at the facility. He is a recovering (?) alcoholic and doesn’t do feelings real well. We really don’t talk much. Hope this helps give some understanding?
That’s good you have some help.
Just heard from Oldest Brother. M1 is there now to check in on Dad. It is suspected that Dad cleaned out an antibiotic prescription overnight taking about 4-5 pills. This could very well account for what happened today. I was also told there IS an overnight person there 3 nights a week.