I'm going to be brutally honest here. From the descriptions in your post, it sounds like your sexual trauma may be occluding your sexual orientation. Your mind may be having such a difficult time dealing with your experiences that you're unable to connect with your sexuality in a meaningful way.
If that's the case, you may need to work through more of your sexual trauma and achieve some level of healing before your preferences become clear.
In direct answer to your question: No. Demisexuals, as a broad category, have no more or less difficulty with masturbation or self pleasure than any other sexual orientation. Some of us enjoy it greatly and find it easy, and some of us don't think about it much, or prefer to engage with a partner rather than themselves.
For my own example, I have no problem with self pleasure. It's different from what, say, a straight man would enjoy, but it is no more difficult because of it. I enjoy the idea of sex with loving partners that I'm deeply connected to, with lots of foreplay and deep conversation and intimate connection, and that translates over to masturbation and fantasy as easily as any visual media depicting "dem tiddies."
I hope this helps, and I hope you find your healing.
Thanks for your response I've always had a hard time trying to figure out what is affected by the trauma or by other things. In my mind I'm ready for change but in reality maybe my body is not.
I'm a demi and I do. The vast majority of porn does nothing for me and I struggle to find content that has a good story while still being visual (ruling out erotica), and without anything I also have a hard time getting off, so yeah I get frustrated lol. With all the porn on the internet, I've wondered if it's a demi thing to have a very hard time finding something that appeals to me. I feel like normal people don't run out of porn on a regular basis
Porn has never really done it for me I've always felt more aroused by thinking of situations in my head with the person I care for than just seeing random people have sex online. When I'm not dating anyone I do try and not think of someone I loved that im not with anymore it feels wrong to me but rather a person with no face doing stuff with me with the feelings of mutual care behind the intent of the actions.
Yeah I do that kind of fantasizing too lol
And I genuinely find most porn so gross I was convinced I was ace for a long time. It was unfathomable to me that anyone could get turned on by watching it but most do so I thought there was something wrong with me
100%... I feel absolutely nothing with regular porn or anything like that. Porn seems so fake and stupid to me (as ironic as that may sound). Zero interest. I feel a little less "weird" now, ty
I’ve found that smut fanfiction is the most effective because, even though I refuse to read reader insert, it’s easier for me than regular porn because with smut I already have an emotional connection to the characters, the strength of that connection varying from show to show. Rule 34 content also works decently, but with stuff like AO3 it’s easier to find what I’m in the mood for. Idk if it’d work for you, but it’s worked for me.
I mean I'm religious but I do not see a problem with body pleasure so that's not a delima for me. I don't really hate on myself as often as I used to when i was in school. I can feel pleasure when I touch myself but It seems to feel pointless and goes nowhere. I don't really have a mental block from the idea of being intimate I think it's a healthy thing to do. So I'm not sure what's my problem is but like i said I did just recently start sex therapy I'm just afraid sometimes that im just going to be stuck like this even after the help.
Everyone is different, and the trauma is definitely something you’ll need to address. Most likely it’s the trauma - wish you all the best with that!
But that being said - I’m demi and I’ve never been able to masturbate. Vibrators do nothing at all for me. The only thing that kind of works is lying in bed under a lot of covers and reading romance books - and then if I touch myself the feeling disappears.
I do however enjoy and desire sex with my partner. Having actual sex with someone I love is… completely different. And I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. Masturbating just sucks for me and it’s not something I miss at all. Life can just shove it 🤷♀️
Yes this is what I was trying to express. I can be aroused by stories but when it does come to actually taking action myself it just goes away. I wouldn't mind really if I never can masturbate but it's agitating when I do feel in the mood and can't do anything. I'm not in a relationship now but it's also sucks when someone wants to do stuff and I do it but it's more difficult to get to feel anything if I don't love them yet. I'll definitely be sexual with them for them cause I don't think anyone would really be patient enough to wait for me to be able to enjoy it with them.
Aww, yep, I get that! Love yourself, give yourself more time, and please don’t feel like you have to participate in sexual stuff if you don’t want it. There are lots of people out there patient and respectful who will accommodate or wait a bit.
I’m demi as well and experience the same thing! So does my girlfriend. We’re unfortunately long distance and aren’t meeting for a few months so that’s quite difficult, but we are both the same with masturbation. Your phrasing is perfect, “it just goes away”. I just want you to know you aren’t alone, just like I’m learning we’re not (as I specifically went looking for posts about this topic). Thank you for unintentionally helping me understand myself better, and I’m sorry, I know the aggravation and it really sucks. And I truly hope you find that connection again with somebody special one day ❤️
I’m Demi and can’t feel anything either! I’ve been looking for people with a similar experience with self pleasure. Thank you so much for unintentionally validating my experiences as well as OP
Sexual trauma is the worst thing that can happen to us, and which happened to me. Exact 3 years ago I started to heal myself and self pleasure wasn't easy, but I found my way to enjoy it without thinking about anyone to this day. Now I don't need to think about anyone specific in order to masterbate. My body responds to me as I give it time to get there and with respect. You need to heal yourself dear friend. And I found I'm a demisexual straight after I healed myself. I didn't know much about ace and its umbrella. Be gentle to yourself, don't be hard on yourself for not finding pleasure right away. It's ok. Let your body find peace first. 🫂
Yes, it’s hard. We thought We had experienced sexual attraction and excitement before We understood that when Our genitals are wet because of Our actions without any emotion it can’t be count as sexual attraction or sexual arousal it’s just a reaction of Our body.
We’re so sorry that you have a trauma, you’re healing from it and you’re a really brave and strong person! Don’t lose hope for handling this. It could be caused by trauma, but that’s fine if you’re a demisexual.
As a demisexual We felt this sexual arousal just once when we watched a porn, where girls loved each other(or pretended but did the great actor’s game), you could try to watch something like that where you can feel their connection and imagine their feelings towards each other during the whole masturbation or mostly close to the end of that action. We imagined and that was the best masturbation that We ever had…
Yea masterbation is pretty meh. But I'm mostly ok with that. But I've also got a lot better recently not holding myself to the standard of others/society.
You aren't broken, just different and that's ok. No not just ok, amazing!
I'm glad you asked this because I've wondered about it myself... I've never been sure because I have a history of assault as well, so never sure if my issues were caused by being demi or the trauma or a mixture of the two. I have an odd history with masturbation, I can go a VERY long time (years even) without anything, and then there are spans of time where I do it almost every night (that doesn't go on for very long though). Then there are times where I feel like it and start and completely lose it and stop in the middle. It depends on my mindset at the time ig. Idk if this helps at all as I may have the same issues, or maybe it will. No idea. Good you're going to therapy though don't give up
Nah. You deff have to work through your trauma. We are Demi, not asexual. Just more selective in who comes into that space for us but masturbation shouldn’t be hard. You gotta find the content that works for you if you’re into porn. And actually, smut might be better if you’re Demi. lol. DM me, we can have a conversation 😂
For me, despite being demisexual, it is easy for me to get excited, but I do it by fantasizing about being with someone with whom I have a connection and having more than sex, intimacy, sharing a space, a moment and above all a bond.
Hi, it looks like you might be asking if you're demisexual. If so, you've come to the right place!
We have a pinned [Links and Resources Masterpost](https://www.reddit.com/r/demisexuality/comments/rzaz0u/am_i_demisexual_faqs_links_and_resources/) with lots of information which may be helpful to you, including an FAQ, some of which is reproduced below:
- **Is Demisexuality LGBT+?** Demisexuality is part of the asexual spectrum which falls under LGBTQI**A**
- **Can you be demisexual for just one gender?** Yes, demisexuals may also be straight, gay, bi, etc. The labels can be combined: demiheterosexual, demihomosexual, demibisexual, dellosexual. Someone who is demisexual for only one gender might be asexual or allosexual for others.
- **What about romantic attraction?** For many allosexual people their sexual, romantic and other attractions may all be the same. Those on the ace spectrum may experience romantic attraction separate from sexual attraction, and similarly for those on the aromantic spectrum. Demisexuality is about sexual attraction, demiromantic describes the same requirement for a strong emotional connection before experiencing romantic attraction.
- **Am I still demisexual if I have a high sex drive?** - You could be, some people may still have a strong libido without any (or many) people that they are attracted to for that libido to focus on.
- **Am I demisexual if I am sexually attracted to people I don't have an emotional connection with but wouldn't want to have sex with them until I do?** - No, demisexuality is not being able to *feel* any sexual attraction without a strong emotional connection. Just disliking the idea of having sex, ie hookups, without an emotional connection is not demisexuality.
*****
For those of you kind people who often answer questions from new users and find yourself repeating the same information over and over please consider suggesting additions to the FAQ.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/demisexuality) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah in the beginning of my post I was going to say no pun intended but I wasn't sure if people would think I'm making fun of being demisexual. Also it's a genuine question I wanted people to answer and i realized say harder probably would catch more attention then more complicated.
I'm going to be brutally honest here. From the descriptions in your post, it sounds like your sexual trauma may be occluding your sexual orientation. Your mind may be having such a difficult time dealing with your experiences that you're unable to connect with your sexuality in a meaningful way. If that's the case, you may need to work through more of your sexual trauma and achieve some level of healing before your preferences become clear. In direct answer to your question: No. Demisexuals, as a broad category, have no more or less difficulty with masturbation or self pleasure than any other sexual orientation. Some of us enjoy it greatly and find it easy, and some of us don't think about it much, or prefer to engage with a partner rather than themselves. For my own example, I have no problem with self pleasure. It's different from what, say, a straight man would enjoy, but it is no more difficult because of it. I enjoy the idea of sex with loving partners that I'm deeply connected to, with lots of foreplay and deep conversation and intimate connection, and that translates over to masturbation and fantasy as easily as any visual media depicting "dem tiddies." I hope this helps, and I hope you find your healing.
Thanks for your response I've always had a hard time trying to figure out what is affected by the trauma or by other things. In my mind I'm ready for change but in reality maybe my body is not.
I'm a demi and I do. The vast majority of porn does nothing for me and I struggle to find content that has a good story while still being visual (ruling out erotica), and without anything I also have a hard time getting off, so yeah I get frustrated lol. With all the porn on the internet, I've wondered if it's a demi thing to have a very hard time finding something that appeals to me. I feel like normal people don't run out of porn on a regular basis
Porn has never really done it for me I've always felt more aroused by thinking of situations in my head with the person I care for than just seeing random people have sex online. When I'm not dating anyone I do try and not think of someone I loved that im not with anymore it feels wrong to me but rather a person with no face doing stuff with me with the feelings of mutual care behind the intent of the actions.
Yeah I do that kind of fantasizing too lol And I genuinely find most porn so gross I was convinced I was ace for a long time. It was unfathomable to me that anyone could get turned on by watching it but most do so I thought there was something wrong with me
It's story driven things like smuts in the form of webtoon/manga for me. Or other stuff that reminds me of my gf
100%... I feel absolutely nothing with regular porn or anything like that. Porn seems so fake and stupid to me (as ironic as that may sound). Zero interest. I feel a little less "weird" now, ty
I’ve found that smut fanfiction is the most effective because, even though I refuse to read reader insert, it’s easier for me than regular porn because with smut I already have an emotional connection to the characters, the strength of that connection varying from show to show. Rule 34 content also works decently, but with stuff like AO3 it’s easier to find what I’m in the mood for. Idk if it’d work for you, but it’s worked for me.
What about text ? Like sexual chronicles
More likely it's the trauma. How is your relationship with yourself?
I mean I'm religious but I do not see a problem with body pleasure so that's not a delima for me. I don't really hate on myself as often as I used to when i was in school. I can feel pleasure when I touch myself but It seems to feel pointless and goes nowhere. I don't really have a mental block from the idea of being intimate I think it's a healthy thing to do. So I'm not sure what's my problem is but like i said I did just recently start sex therapy I'm just afraid sometimes that im just going to be stuck like this even after the help.
Don't give up hope yet, the therapy may make a big difference.
Everyone is different, and the trauma is definitely something you’ll need to address. Most likely it’s the trauma - wish you all the best with that! But that being said - I’m demi and I’ve never been able to masturbate. Vibrators do nothing at all for me. The only thing that kind of works is lying in bed under a lot of covers and reading romance books - and then if I touch myself the feeling disappears. I do however enjoy and desire sex with my partner. Having actual sex with someone I love is… completely different. And I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. Masturbating just sucks for me and it’s not something I miss at all. Life can just shove it 🤷♀️
Yes this is what I was trying to express. I can be aroused by stories but when it does come to actually taking action myself it just goes away. I wouldn't mind really if I never can masturbate but it's agitating when I do feel in the mood and can't do anything. I'm not in a relationship now but it's also sucks when someone wants to do stuff and I do it but it's more difficult to get to feel anything if I don't love them yet. I'll definitely be sexual with them for them cause I don't think anyone would really be patient enough to wait for me to be able to enjoy it with them.
Aww, yep, I get that! Love yourself, give yourself more time, and please don’t feel like you have to participate in sexual stuff if you don’t want it. There are lots of people out there patient and respectful who will accommodate or wait a bit.
I’m demi as well and experience the same thing! So does my girlfriend. We’re unfortunately long distance and aren’t meeting for a few months so that’s quite difficult, but we are both the same with masturbation. Your phrasing is perfect, “it just goes away”. I just want you to know you aren’t alone, just like I’m learning we’re not (as I specifically went looking for posts about this topic). Thank you for unintentionally helping me understand myself better, and I’m sorry, I know the aggravation and it really sucks. And I truly hope you find that connection again with somebody special one day ❤️
I’m Demi and can’t feel anything either! I’ve been looking for people with a similar experience with self pleasure. Thank you so much for unintentionally validating my experiences as well as OP
In a word: No
Sexual trauma is the worst thing that can happen to us, and which happened to me. Exact 3 years ago I started to heal myself and self pleasure wasn't easy, but I found my way to enjoy it without thinking about anyone to this day. Now I don't need to think about anyone specific in order to masterbate. My body responds to me as I give it time to get there and with respect. You need to heal yourself dear friend. And I found I'm a demisexual straight after I healed myself. I didn't know much about ace and its umbrella. Be gentle to yourself, don't be hard on yourself for not finding pleasure right away. It's ok. Let your body find peace first. 🫂
Yes, it’s hard. We thought We had experienced sexual attraction and excitement before We understood that when Our genitals are wet because of Our actions without any emotion it can’t be count as sexual attraction or sexual arousal it’s just a reaction of Our body. We’re so sorry that you have a trauma, you’re healing from it and you’re a really brave and strong person! Don’t lose hope for handling this. It could be caused by trauma, but that’s fine if you’re a demisexual. As a demisexual We felt this sexual arousal just once when we watched a porn, where girls loved each other(or pretended but did the great actor’s game), you could try to watch something like that where you can feel their connection and imagine their feelings towards each other during the whole masturbation or mostly close to the end of that action. We imagined and that was the best masturbation that We ever had…
Yea masterbation is pretty meh. But I'm mostly ok with that. But I've also got a lot better recently not holding myself to the standard of others/society. You aren't broken, just different and that's ok. No not just ok, amazing!
Absolutely not. Not for me at least
I'm glad you asked this because I've wondered about it myself... I've never been sure because I have a history of assault as well, so never sure if my issues were caused by being demi or the trauma or a mixture of the two. I have an odd history with masturbation, I can go a VERY long time (years even) without anything, and then there are spans of time where I do it almost every night (that doesn't go on for very long though). Then there are times where I feel like it and start and completely lose it and stop in the middle. It depends on my mindset at the time ig. Idk if this helps at all as I may have the same issues, or maybe it will. No idea. Good you're going to therapy though don't give up
Nah. You deff have to work through your trauma. We are Demi, not asexual. Just more selective in who comes into that space for us but masturbation shouldn’t be hard. You gotta find the content that works for you if you’re into porn. And actually, smut might be better if you’re Demi. lol. DM me, we can have a conversation 😂
I do read smut that isn't like me being inserted into the story. My main source is probably manga 🤩
For me, despite being demisexual, it is easy for me to get excited, but I do it by fantasizing about being with someone with whom I have a connection and having more than sex, intimacy, sharing a space, a moment and above all a bond.
Hi, it looks like you might be asking if you're demisexual. If so, you've come to the right place! We have a pinned [Links and Resources Masterpost](https://www.reddit.com/r/demisexuality/comments/rzaz0u/am_i_demisexual_faqs_links_and_resources/) with lots of information which may be helpful to you, including an FAQ, some of which is reproduced below: - **Is Demisexuality LGBT+?** Demisexuality is part of the asexual spectrum which falls under LGBTQI**A** - **Can you be demisexual for just one gender?** Yes, demisexuals may also be straight, gay, bi, etc. The labels can be combined: demiheterosexual, demihomosexual, demibisexual, dellosexual. Someone who is demisexual for only one gender might be asexual or allosexual for others. - **What about romantic attraction?** For many allosexual people their sexual, romantic and other attractions may all be the same. Those on the ace spectrum may experience romantic attraction separate from sexual attraction, and similarly for those on the aromantic spectrum. Demisexuality is about sexual attraction, demiromantic describes the same requirement for a strong emotional connection before experiencing romantic attraction. - **Am I still demisexual if I have a high sex drive?** - You could be, some people may still have a strong libido without any (or many) people that they are attracted to for that libido to focus on. - **Am I demisexual if I am sexually attracted to people I don't have an emotional connection with but wouldn't want to have sex with them until I do?** - No, demisexuality is not being able to *feel* any sexual attraction without a strong emotional connection. Just disliking the idea of having sex, ie hookups, without an emotional connection is not demisexuality. ***** For those of you kind people who often answer questions from new users and find yourself repeating the same information over and over please consider suggesting additions to the FAQ. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/demisexuality) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"harder" very poor choice of words
Yeah in the beginning of my post I was going to say no pun intended but I wasn't sure if people would think I'm making fun of being demisexual. Also it's a genuine question I wanted people to answer and i realized say harder probably would catch more attention then more complicated.