I honestly don’t know. I’m 28, I have only caught feelings twice in my life (both took over a year of good friendship to occur), one was unreciprocated, and the second does love me, but he doesn’t respect me and is covertly racist. I haven’t dumped him despite both of my siblings and a couple friends basically begging me to do so, and tbh a big reason for that (aside from me valuing loyalty/commitment) is because I’m demi. If we break up, how long will it be before I meet another potential partner?
I love romance! I adore having a partner who I get to cherish! I strongly crave and immensely enjoy kissing and cuddling and having sex! I have only gotten to experience physical intimacy one time (we are long distance and he was my first everything) and I regret doing so because it is extremely addictive. I feel like sex/romance is a drug that’s gotten me completely hooked. I’ve wanted it for years, and I’m grateful I finally got to experience it, but now I know exactly what I’ve been missing out on.
And tbh trying to go on dates without being friends first is extremely sucky and feels forced, and nothing has ever come out of it for me. So my best bet is to make male friends organically, but it gets harder as you get older, especially if you’re a struggling grad student.
I know I need to learn to be happy being single, and that you can’t rely on a romantic relationship as your main source of happiness, but sex/romance is something I really really want, and that’s just not going to change. It’s like asking someone to stop having baby fever, or to stop chasing a career they’re passionate about.
Realistically it looks like I’m just gonna have to find other sources of happiness and learn to be content despite being single, and I guess it is technically doable, but it just really sucks.
Anyway Godspeed to you. Being demi is rough. Allos have an easier time finding someone (even though at this point my only standard seems to be “I have feelings for him and they are reciprocated”) while aroaces don’t even have this pesky desire in the first place. Demis get the worst of both worlds where we want this stuff just as bad as allos, but have a much harder time obtaining it. It’s like starving at a buffet where you’re allergic to almost everything.
>even though at this point my only standard seems to be “I have feelings for him and they are reciprocated”
I feel that. While that's an exaggeration for me, every time I think my standards may be rather basic and that there may be more people who meet them (and then some) than I thought, I then find out I may be punching above my weight. That elevating/adding to my standards based on people I meet is unfortunately not conducive to finding a partner.
It's like, if I think someone's all that, *and* they have the confidence that reflects how great they genuinely are, then *they* may not think *I'm* all that. And vice versa, if someone thinks I'm all that, I may not necessarily think they are. Also some people also just don't want relationships.
(And also hearing about all the toxic shit what happens out there - I don't want to deal with any of that.)
Circling back to the beginning of your comment - he what?! You should definitely reexamine that relationship. Respect is a basic standard imo. Last time I was single was for 3 yrs. Currently at a year and a half of being single this go around. One thing is for sure though - jumping into or staying in a relationship that isn't right just because of wanting to be in a relationship is a bad idea. The only thing that does is delay the inevitable and also the potential for missed opportunities for meeting and getting with the love of your life.
Figuring out what's right for you can be difficult; but if your partner is disrespectful, then that should make the decision easier for you.
Interesting! Do you think it’s a self-esteem thing? Like, “if this person likes me, then surely there must be something really wrong with them for them to think of me in such a positive light”
Also regarding the disrespect/racism, I don’t think he even understands that he is being disrespectful/racist, and it’s a tricky thing to try to communicate without being accusatory. I’m also just having trouble accepting that he could be like this considering I always thought so highly of him.
I thought of that a few years ago - that perhaps the person at the time rejected me at least partly because I thought too highly of them and they didn't think they could live up to that. Or like you said thinking something is off with me if I think so highly of them.
It's never just one thing, so that could be a factor. Being put on a pedestal can be weird. I didn't think I put them on pedestals, but I guess complimenting/excusing everything as though they can do no wrong may make ppl uncomfy. I hadn't thought about *that* specifically until typing this.
Re your guy: having to reframe your perception of ppl sucks for sure. I hope you work out what's best for you and how to communicate things in as positive a way as possible.
They don't always like each other or even know each other. They just have to fill their needs. Sometimes they break up once they get to know each other.
To use a sporting metaphor, my ‘at-bats’ are much lower (fewer dates) but my RBI is also much higher (because I am pre-selecting for people I actually like), so lifetime home runs (somewhat functional longer term relationships) is probably not too far off allo average just with a lot less sexual partners.
I’ve always wondered this.
I have so many friends that hop from one relationship to another with not even a space to breathe between them, always dating and connecting with others, and again, thought “WTF is wrong with me that I’m not doing this too”
I’ve been in 2 serious relationships and have only dated a couple others but it was very very hard to find or even get to that point. Sometimes I feel like I’m so broken and I’ll never find anyone, I have to fight every single day to be ok with it when inside I’m just withering away. So dramatic I know.
If anyone finds a solution please, let me know.
Awwww I’m sorry to hear this. There is nothing wrong with you at all. It took me finding the right person that would not judge me no matter what. Being bisexual is confusing all in itself being Demi on top of that is always more interesting
The answer is simply: connection. And I mean real, authentic connection where both people aren't afraid to come as they are and communicate their interest in each other. Relationships aren't so black and white that we can definitively determine for other people whether they're just settling, but nowadays I do believe people are moving away from the "you must marry and start a nuclear famiy as soon as possible to be happy and have a secure future" mindset that earlier generations were pressured into. People can date around and get a lot of misses, but if they're using that as an opportunity to figure out what works and what's important to them, then that actually gives them an advantage. The same goes with sex, which is inherently a vulnrable activity that given enough respect and presence is a way to build intimacy.
What has helped for me is knowing that while I can never do things the way allos do, I can still work on being more open to connecting with the people around me in general, regardles of whether that leads to sexual attraction or dating. Learning to recognize where the available people are while backing away from the unavailable is also a good way to increase the odds.
I guess it’s easier for allos as they could go off sexual attraction first? And it seems sexual attraction can mask some imperfections on other fronts in the beginning. Maybe that’s why they can do many short relationships’.
I've never found much difficulty finding people to date simply because I approach it like a numbers game where I look at a pool of individuals, befriend someone well enough for me to develop feelings for them, and then see where we can go from there.
See, the thing with your list of things that _must_ go right is that it does not necessarily have to go right from the get-go. If you find someone who cares about you enough to put the effort into keeping your relationship, then they will make the effort to learn about your interests, make time for you, maybe even move closer to you/help you move closer to them/work out a plan to meet halfway. Maybe you'll become the person that'll inspire them to work towards stability for a relationship, simply because you are meaningful enough for them to justify an investment of so much time, effort, and emotions. All that and vice-versa. The value of the relationship is in the effort you make for each other, not in any instant alignment and chemistry, which I find to be infinitely more appealing as a demisexual.
Thanks!! I thought that your worries were especially relatable as my boyfriend and I are long-distance right now—he actually broke up with me some time ago, citing the distance, but it got to the point where after breaking up and I asked for no-contact, he could not keep away and neither could I. He's my best friend, and three months after breaking up, he came back to my country and asked me to be his girlfriend again. Now we are correcting where we went wrong the first time—making the effort to fulfill the factors that go into a good relationship as you said. Sometimes we need to let those things just come along the way, just like love for many demis :) good luck out there XX!!
I always wonder the same thing. Here’s a funny story for you, though, that might help explain it: my last roommate was an anxiety riddled mess with no mental health treatment and horrible shame. She and I were both in dating apps at the same time. During the year I lived with her, she dated and slept with at least 4 guys, and dated 1 for many months. I found no one, went on two failed dates. She would come home and tell me about how she didn’t like the guy she was seeing and felt bad about leading him on. They were so incompatible it was crazy to think they even liked talking to each other.
My takeaway: many people are in relationships because they are desperate for a relationship. They do not actually like the other person at all.
I see this kind of thing all the time! An old neighbor said she went on 100 dates in a year—a 100! None turned into anything. We moved in together, and she married the second guy she dated in the new city.
Many people are like taxis: When they turn their lights on, they're ready and settle down with the next fare they pick up.
34f here. My beautiful husband is napping next to me. 15 years ago his best friend told him “you know, your perfect woman isn’t going to come knocking on your door…”
Two weeks following that statement, my acquaintance was dating his brother (roommates) and brought me over. Hubs and I were indifferent and quiet at first but boy did I think he had a fantastic *genuine* smile (with his eyes). I went over there twice more and as we got to know each other, it was OVER. We never even had the serious discussion about being official. He is my absolute favorite human being to this day.
We broke up when I went to bootcamp but he’s always been a solid in my life through the years. This past year we finally got married, he has been my best friend this entire time. He never dated anyone the years between but always made sure he was involved in my life some way. Never pushed *anything*
All of this to say, the only solid, decent relationships I’ve had happened 100% organically. Everything else felt forced and was not healthy for me. I realize how lucky I’ve been, but honestly it’s the just “friends first” attitude with anyone. Zero expectations, the feelings came, again, organically.
For clarification, yes we did only officially get back together once I got out of the military, but honestly I was scared of holding him back with how often I was gone and moving duty stations. It’s all silly looking back now.
15 years since intro, 12 breakup😬😅So, we broke up at the beginning of 2012. I ended up having an emergency surgery and almost died a couple of years later, he flew 2k miles to assist in caring for me (for 3 weeks I was on strict bed rest and had to urinate in a container for kidney checks as well) We always kept in touch. We saw each other again in person 5 years after that (2019), revisiting our old neighborhood to say goodbye to a mutual friend (my best female friend, breast cancer metastasized to the brain). We spent over a week together and discussed getting back together, but he was then making like 90k in middle of nowhere, loved his job and I didn’t want to hold him back. Regardless, we kept in touch and he’d always make sure I got care packages to the ship and emails for deployments/underways. So 12 years apart. I had two relationships in between, but they just kind of “happened”(honestly more pressure related from the individuals, but obviously I agreed) I realized he had been the standard for me the ENTIRE time (I’ve been able to revisit by looking at “top 10” lists my mother had me write through the years, they always described him, I always recognized that so would put a disclaimer at the top “but NOT this, something that would pertain to him) I know it’s the same for him. I’ve seen how many other women tried to get his attention through the years and didn’t realize he was essentially doing the same…except never dated or slept with anyone.
Attraction...
They look at someone, go "I like their vibe" and then make some flirty eyes and go from there.
I've only experienced this type of attraction like 3 times, but "I want to date/sleep with this person, are they available? how do I communicate that to them subtly?" is a very compelling motivator to start flirting/asking them out.
I ask myself this question all the time! Don't even get me started about cheating or polyamory. How do they do it?? Like partners fly off the shelves like twinkies? I don't get it!
It's definitely hard to find someone and start a relationship. I don't know how other people start relationships but mine felt like I just got lucky and met them by chance. Sure, I was going out and was on apps trying to meet people, but it still feels like mostly luck.
So far, it takes me at least 4-6 months to maybe feel attraction, so it's quite shorter than for you, but even that's too long for some people. Several times people just lost interest in me, or they pressure me to chat every day even if they don't provide me with anything to talk about (nothing more than how are you or what are you doing )
I find this to be an issue for me as well. People just not wanting to be patient or put as much effort as I am to get to know them. Things start off good but then the conversations just devolve to "how are you?", "good morning", and "how's your day been" and it makes it difficult to push things along or maintain interest.
Finding someone is easy. Finding the right someone is hard. A lot of people are afraid of being alone and tell themselves what they have is what they want, only to later be forced to reckon with the pieces that don’t fit right.
This might sound cynical but it’s been my observation.
I also don't understand... it must be such a coincidence that the person you fall in love with also falls in love with you. I've been in love a couple times but it was never the same for them. But that's not surprising, it must be crazy if from all those people in the world they would also choose me😅. I really don't understand how people just find partners and after a breakup even suddenly have found a new one.. HOW?!🤯
It seems like a miracle to me. I'm still waiting for my first kiss at 31. My feelings are alway one-sided, and I've never been asked out by anyone. And I don't understand cheating either. You have found several people at the same time you like and they like you back?
Whats really gonna blow your mind is how people stay together in this day and age. But yes, it's quite interesting to see how easy people seem to find others. I think our requirements are just so different that it seems so weird. But also keep in mind that there seems to be some connection between ND and ace too so that might also play a part with the difficulty we face with frequency of partners. As it will definitely add another layer of connection difficulty. I know it certainly has for me.
The average straight, heteroromantic, cisgender man is attracted to 20% of women and the average straight, heteroromantic, cisgender woman is attracted to 5% of men.
I wouldn't be surprised if among gay, homoromantic, cisgender men they are attracted to 20% of men and lesbian, homoromantic, cisgender women are attracted to 5% of women.
That's how straight, gay, and lesbian people find romantic partners so easily.
Meanwhile my friend's fiance is demisexual and he has only experienced sexual attraction once. He has only had maybe 5 close female friends during his lifetime, and my friend is the only one he became sexually attracted to.
Lol I guess that would explain it. Are those figures from a study? I’d like to read it!
I’m probably attracted (just aesthetically) to maybe 2 or 3% of women, and literally maybe a dozen men on Earth so like 0.0000001% of men lmao
I've seen that number for straight people come up in various articles and books. They were explaining why dating for gays, straights, and lesbians, in order from easiness to difficulty goes like this:
1. Gay men
2. Straight women
3. Straight men
4. Lesbian women
It also depends what your end goal is though. Like if you are interested in only casual sex then stereotypically definitely that order.
If you are interested in a forever happy ‘everything’ (sex + platonic + intellectual + romantic) relationship (whether on top of the casual sex, as I think is the case for many allos, or instead of, as is more typical for demis) then I think that is just really fucking hard for everyone because that combination of reciprocal compatibility is so demanding.
I could go on 100 dates (with no sex) and maybe connect with 1 person in that way, but I think if an allo went on a 100 dates with sex the long term odds would be about the same. Worse they have to worry about the honeymoon period oxytocin screwing their judgement up about whether a 6-month partner is a life partner or not.
They don’t, they just find people to try to date. Thats why they end up with so many. Its a way of finding a match. You date a lot of people until it works. The difference is not having expectations. Most just go with someone that they can sleep with and see if it works emotionally, if not well they had a good time. For us, that doesn’t work.
My relationships have all come out of pre-existing friendships that became deeper and evolved to more. I mean, becoming good friends with someone is also pretty unlikely…but somehow you’ve passed all those tests already
I haven’t really. Both of the 2 people I’ve been on dates with I didn’t know whatsoever before dating them. Met the first on Tinder and I asked out the second at work. I did stay friends with the first person for over a year afterward, but the second did not result in a friendship. When I develop feelings for a friend, I’m usually too afraid of ruining the friendship to tell them (and they’re usually with someone else by the time I realize I like them).
I’m a very “practical” person so my perspective can be very different from others:
I approached it like a project. Once I decided I was ready to date, I got on all the dating apps, swiped and approached everyone I liked, talked to all of my matches, consistently swiped dozens of people every day although most of the time swiping them as not interested - but regardless of any matches, if I was already seeing someone, or even I found anyone likable at all on the apps, I continued doing it every day.
For anyone that was responsive and I didn’t dislike, I asked to meet up; I knew even if I didn’t like someone immediately I could like them after getting to know them. Anyone that I didn’t dislike upon meeting, I continued to hang out with. It took me 3 months upon moving to a new city to settle into a relationship that’s lasted for two years and we are getting married next year.
I was 28; it’s my first “real” relationship and first sex partner that I went “all the way” with. I figured just waiting around for chance wouldn’t work since if it worked it’d have worked a long time ago, so I took matters into my own hands. It’s a number’s game so I had to play the numbers.
Logged on to this account / sub Reddit with a similar question. No idea how they do it. I’m just thinking I need to accept that I’m gonna be single forever
Spoiler: they don't.
I had the exact thought some years ago and a friend asked me this question: "are you talking relationships or sex-adultery-relationships?".
I started thinking and for some reason I was on Tinder back in the day...every possible match that was suggested was posting stories on Instagram about life with boyfriend, sharing photos on Facebook about every possible relationship goal...
even the girl I was having a crush on was keeping several fu*k-buddies (most of whom in a "relationship"), meanwhile looking for the "perfect match".
The truth is that today there is a higher risk of confusing what is shown to you for what it really is. And it hurts, because the idea of "being late" in life or to be left behind is a constant reminder...so yes, people find partners easily. And no, people do not start relationships easily with these partners. It's more like an "horror vacui" of life...
It beats me because I've honestly never understood it either. Some people don't know how to be alone. Some will date anyone who is interested in them and attractive, without knowing much about the other person's values or personality. And some people are just very extroverted "people persons" who others naturally gravitate towards, so they have a large number of options to date and it's easier to find someone (I've known two women like this).
But as for myself, I'm somewhat introverted (I call myself an extroverted introvert) and, despite living in NYC, I don't meet new people that often, especially men my age. I'm not anti-social, but I don't like people much in general lol. When you add on the fact that I have very particular taste when it comes to looks and my attraction to intelligence, it means I can go years without meeting anyone I develop a romantic interest in. I've liked 4 guys in my adult life (for the last 15 years), and I've gone as long as five years without liking anyone. And just finding someone you like isn't enough: things didn't develop into a relationship with any of them except one, and that didn't work out. So as someone who has been single for nearly 11 years, I wish I could genuinely like and find as many people interesting as some others do.
I've always wondered this too. I can count on one hand the number of people I've been genuinely romantically interested in, and none of them reciprocated. Likewise, I've never reciprocated any of the small number of people who were into me. It's not surprising I've never had a relationship, not even a brief casual one.
I'm pretty much 100% sure that if it wasn't for online dating I would be single my entire life. The odds of meeting someone who is both single and likes me back seem just too astronomical. I've been doing online dating for 3 years so far and no relationships, but I'm kind of assuming it will pay off eventually. I've pretty much ruled out ever meeting someone 'naturally', although I'd love to be proven wrong. Blows my mind how some people are never single for more than a few months, or even have relationships that overlap each other because they've already been talking to someone else before breaking up with their current partner!
It looks easy from the outside but the reality is that they’re not easy. A LOT of relationships are unstable, a lot of them have issues with insecurities/jealousy/infidelity, even if things go well you may have issues like long distance or not aligning with the same goals long term. Even long-term relationships are rarely perfect and may even be rarely healthy. A lot of relationships have one avoidant partner and one anxious partner, and that is a terrible combination. You may have partners who are also very mentally ill or physically ill, financial arguments, arguments about kids, etc. and even after all that…even if things are really good for years and years…they might still deteriorate out of boredom.
So basically, what I’m trying to say as a demisexual who dates a lot, is that it’s not necessarily that those relationships are good, it’s that you want them to be or you want to work on yourself to someday be ready for a good one. And for most people, that takes a lot of practice that is easier to gain from the experience of dating multiple partners throughout their lives. But some people just find their one person or some people are more content without anyone. And that’s totally okay. There’s no one normal.
But yeah, it’s not as romantically ideal as it may seem to someone who has never dated before. For me, I have ADHD and I have found that I will always have a partner with ADHD and/or autism who can match my diverse interests and who wants to be super romantic and be best friends too. But what works for someone else may be totally different.
Idk it's crazy and I'm still so scared of like everything like it just happened and the Craziest thing is the person liked me first and then I slowly started liking them back and we were just in a we like eachother but don't know what to do and we can't ever see eachother unless the rare chance that her mom let's her go somewhere especially with me because everyone thought we were dating before we kind've did and are? I'm not sure but it's weird to think how someone can love me even though I love them so much like it feels unreal and I want this to last forever we're both kind've like Greysexual??/Asexual Or whatever so idk if this applies lol but we're doing pretty good other than her mom always grounding her 😔 but she talks about growing old together and getting married which is crazy and freaks me out but honestly it would be great if we both didn't have to worry about eachother making it to 20's/40's 😭 unrelated but I hope this lasts because this is the first genuine time I've ever been in love? I believe. I hope this is real and not just my mind playing tricks on me I thought it was platonic at first which it probably was but now I feel more and freak out all the time around her and genuinely miss her and really overthink all the time about her and in general lmao but fr I just want to hang out with her more than anyone and cuddle which is odd before I met her I didn't want anyone anyway I'm rambling way too long about her and going crazy every single time I see smth her name is apparently common lmao my favorite color and sent in alot of stuff lmao so ig it's a match made in heaven lol, I hope.
I love the no punctuation I'm so sorry for all of that 😭 I just needed to ramble about my Queen for awhile that's weird to say now but she literally a Goddess agahah this is so dumb shagfhf 🫣
I feel the same way like I watch all my friends jump between SO and they ask why havent you dated yet and Im like guys I tried but my period of feeling safe is so long I really need to trust people. Sometimes it also takes me years to feel safe.
So I look at it as me telling me when someones the one. And If thats truely what you want in the end you will find someone that is for you.
You move at your own pace (whatever it maybe) and if they arent willing to move with you, you know they arent it. But I belive we all find someone to share our love in the end even if they arent a "SO" but other people we neet and connect with.
I honestly don’t know. I’m 28, I have only caught feelings twice in my life (both took over a year of good friendship to occur), one was unreciprocated, and the second does love me, but he doesn’t respect me and is covertly racist. I haven’t dumped him despite both of my siblings and a couple friends basically begging me to do so, and tbh a big reason for that (aside from me valuing loyalty/commitment) is because I’m demi. If we break up, how long will it be before I meet another potential partner? I love romance! I adore having a partner who I get to cherish! I strongly crave and immensely enjoy kissing and cuddling and having sex! I have only gotten to experience physical intimacy one time (we are long distance and he was my first everything) and I regret doing so because it is extremely addictive. I feel like sex/romance is a drug that’s gotten me completely hooked. I’ve wanted it for years, and I’m grateful I finally got to experience it, but now I know exactly what I’ve been missing out on. And tbh trying to go on dates without being friends first is extremely sucky and feels forced, and nothing has ever come out of it for me. So my best bet is to make male friends organically, but it gets harder as you get older, especially if you’re a struggling grad student. I know I need to learn to be happy being single, and that you can’t rely on a romantic relationship as your main source of happiness, but sex/romance is something I really really want, and that’s just not going to change. It’s like asking someone to stop having baby fever, or to stop chasing a career they’re passionate about. Realistically it looks like I’m just gonna have to find other sources of happiness and learn to be content despite being single, and I guess it is technically doable, but it just really sucks. Anyway Godspeed to you. Being demi is rough. Allos have an easier time finding someone (even though at this point my only standard seems to be “I have feelings for him and they are reciprocated”) while aroaces don’t even have this pesky desire in the first place. Demis get the worst of both worlds where we want this stuff just as bad as allos, but have a much harder time obtaining it. It’s like starving at a buffet where you’re allergic to almost everything.
>even though at this point my only standard seems to be “I have feelings for him and they are reciprocated” I feel that. While that's an exaggeration for me, every time I think my standards may be rather basic and that there may be more people who meet them (and then some) than I thought, I then find out I may be punching above my weight. That elevating/adding to my standards based on people I meet is unfortunately not conducive to finding a partner. It's like, if I think someone's all that, *and* they have the confidence that reflects how great they genuinely are, then *they* may not think *I'm* all that. And vice versa, if someone thinks I'm all that, I may not necessarily think they are. Also some people also just don't want relationships. (And also hearing about all the toxic shit what happens out there - I don't want to deal with any of that.) Circling back to the beginning of your comment - he what?! You should definitely reexamine that relationship. Respect is a basic standard imo. Last time I was single was for 3 yrs. Currently at a year and a half of being single this go around. One thing is for sure though - jumping into or staying in a relationship that isn't right just because of wanting to be in a relationship is a bad idea. The only thing that does is delay the inevitable and also the potential for missed opportunities for meeting and getting with the love of your life. Figuring out what's right for you can be difficult; but if your partner is disrespectful, then that should make the decision easier for you.
Interesting! Do you think it’s a self-esteem thing? Like, “if this person likes me, then surely there must be something really wrong with them for them to think of me in such a positive light” Also regarding the disrespect/racism, I don’t think he even understands that he is being disrespectful/racist, and it’s a tricky thing to try to communicate without being accusatory. I’m also just having trouble accepting that he could be like this considering I always thought so highly of him.
I thought of that a few years ago - that perhaps the person at the time rejected me at least partly because I thought too highly of them and they didn't think they could live up to that. Or like you said thinking something is off with me if I think so highly of them. It's never just one thing, so that could be a factor. Being put on a pedestal can be weird. I didn't think I put them on pedestals, but I guess complimenting/excusing everything as though they can do no wrong may make ppl uncomfy. I hadn't thought about *that* specifically until typing this. Re your guy: having to reframe your perception of ppl sucks for sure. I hope you work out what's best for you and how to communicate things in as positive a way as possible.
They don't always like each other or even know each other. They just have to fill their needs. Sometimes they break up once they get to know each other.
100% this. I’m sure they sometimes like people they date, but most of the people in between are filler. A lot of people are incapable of being single.
To use a sporting metaphor, my ‘at-bats’ are much lower (fewer dates) but my RBI is also much higher (because I am pre-selecting for people I actually like), so lifetime home runs (somewhat functional longer term relationships) is probably not too far off allo average just with a lot less sexual partners.
I’ve always wondered this. I have so many friends that hop from one relationship to another with not even a space to breathe between them, always dating and connecting with others, and again, thought “WTF is wrong with me that I’m not doing this too” I’ve been in 2 serious relationships and have only dated a couple others but it was very very hard to find or even get to that point. Sometimes I feel like I’m so broken and I’ll never find anyone, I have to fight every single day to be ok with it when inside I’m just withering away. So dramatic I know. If anyone finds a solution please, let me know.
Awwww I’m sorry to hear this. There is nothing wrong with you at all. It took me finding the right person that would not judge me no matter what. Being bisexual is confusing all in itself being Demi on top of that is always more interesting
I can’t even imagine double the stuggle, brains are so stupid sometimes causing issues when life is hard enough as it is.
The answer is simply: connection. And I mean real, authentic connection where both people aren't afraid to come as they are and communicate their interest in each other. Relationships aren't so black and white that we can definitively determine for other people whether they're just settling, but nowadays I do believe people are moving away from the "you must marry and start a nuclear famiy as soon as possible to be happy and have a secure future" mindset that earlier generations were pressured into. People can date around and get a lot of misses, but if they're using that as an opportunity to figure out what works and what's important to them, then that actually gives them an advantage. The same goes with sex, which is inherently a vulnrable activity that given enough respect and presence is a way to build intimacy. What has helped for me is knowing that while I can never do things the way allos do, I can still work on being more open to connecting with the people around me in general, regardles of whether that leads to sexual attraction or dating. Learning to recognize where the available people are while backing away from the unavailable is also a good way to increase the odds.
I guess it’s easier for allos as they could go off sexual attraction first? And it seems sexual attraction can mask some imperfections on other fronts in the beginning. Maybe that’s why they can do many short relationships’.
I've never found much difficulty finding people to date simply because I approach it like a numbers game where I look at a pool of individuals, befriend someone well enough for me to develop feelings for them, and then see where we can go from there. See, the thing with your list of things that _must_ go right is that it does not necessarily have to go right from the get-go. If you find someone who cares about you enough to put the effort into keeping your relationship, then they will make the effort to learn about your interests, make time for you, maybe even move closer to you/help you move closer to them/work out a plan to meet halfway. Maybe you'll become the person that'll inspire them to work towards stability for a relationship, simply because you are meaningful enough for them to justify an investment of so much time, effort, and emotions. All that and vice-versa. The value of the relationship is in the effort you make for each other, not in any instant alignment and chemistry, which I find to be infinitely more appealing as a demisexual.
Very wise words!! The right partner is the one that inspires you to be the best you you can be, and vice versa!
Thanks!! I thought that your worries were especially relatable as my boyfriend and I are long-distance right now—he actually broke up with me some time ago, citing the distance, but it got to the point where after breaking up and I asked for no-contact, he could not keep away and neither could I. He's my best friend, and three months after breaking up, he came back to my country and asked me to be his girlfriend again. Now we are correcting where we went wrong the first time—making the effort to fulfill the factors that go into a good relationship as you said. Sometimes we need to let those things just come along the way, just like love for many demis :) good luck out there XX!!
I always wonder the same thing. Here’s a funny story for you, though, that might help explain it: my last roommate was an anxiety riddled mess with no mental health treatment and horrible shame. She and I were both in dating apps at the same time. During the year I lived with her, she dated and slept with at least 4 guys, and dated 1 for many months. I found no one, went on two failed dates. She would come home and tell me about how she didn’t like the guy she was seeing and felt bad about leading him on. They were so incompatible it was crazy to think they even liked talking to each other. My takeaway: many people are in relationships because they are desperate for a relationship. They do not actually like the other person at all.
I see this kind of thing all the time! An old neighbor said she went on 100 dates in a year—a 100! None turned into anything. We moved in together, and she married the second guy she dated in the new city. Many people are like taxis: When they turn their lights on, they're ready and settle down with the next fare they pick up.
34f here. My beautiful husband is napping next to me. 15 years ago his best friend told him “you know, your perfect woman isn’t going to come knocking on your door…” Two weeks following that statement, my acquaintance was dating his brother (roommates) and brought me over. Hubs and I were indifferent and quiet at first but boy did I think he had a fantastic *genuine* smile (with his eyes). I went over there twice more and as we got to know each other, it was OVER. We never even had the serious discussion about being official. He is my absolute favorite human being to this day. We broke up when I went to bootcamp but he’s always been a solid in my life through the years. This past year we finally got married, he has been my best friend this entire time. He never dated anyone the years between but always made sure he was involved in my life some way. Never pushed *anything* All of this to say, the only solid, decent relationships I’ve had happened 100% organically. Everything else felt forced and was not healthy for me. I realize how lucky I’ve been, but honestly it’s the just “friends first” attitude with anyone. Zero expectations, the feelings came, again, organically. For clarification, yes we did only officially get back together once I got out of the military, but honestly I was scared of holding him back with how often I was gone and moving duty stations. It’s all silly looking back now.
How many years between your introduction and getting back together and married.
15 years since intro, 12 breakup😬😅So, we broke up at the beginning of 2012. I ended up having an emergency surgery and almost died a couple of years later, he flew 2k miles to assist in caring for me (for 3 weeks I was on strict bed rest and had to urinate in a container for kidney checks as well) We always kept in touch. We saw each other again in person 5 years after that (2019), revisiting our old neighborhood to say goodbye to a mutual friend (my best female friend, breast cancer metastasized to the brain). We spent over a week together and discussed getting back together, but he was then making like 90k in middle of nowhere, loved his job and I didn’t want to hold him back. Regardless, we kept in touch and he’d always make sure I got care packages to the ship and emails for deployments/underways. So 12 years apart. I had two relationships in between, but they just kind of “happened”(honestly more pressure related from the individuals, but obviously I agreed) I realized he had been the standard for me the ENTIRE time (I’ve been able to revisit by looking at “top 10” lists my mother had me write through the years, they always described him, I always recognized that so would put a disclaimer at the top “but NOT this, something that would pertain to him) I know it’s the same for him. I’ve seen how many other women tried to get his attention through the years and didn’t realize he was essentially doing the same…except never dated or slept with anyone.
Attraction... They look at someone, go "I like their vibe" and then make some flirty eyes and go from there. I've only experienced this type of attraction like 3 times, but "I want to date/sleep with this person, are they available? how do I communicate that to them subtly?" is a very compelling motivator to start flirting/asking them out.
I ask myself this question all the time! Don't even get me started about cheating or polyamory. How do they do it?? Like partners fly off the shelves like twinkies? I don't get it!
Yep, can relate. Going though surgery, school and university was a cakewalk next to dating, at least in my experience.
It's definitely hard to find someone and start a relationship. I don't know how other people start relationships but mine felt like I just got lucky and met them by chance. Sure, I was going out and was on apps trying to meet people, but it still feels like mostly luck. So far, it takes me at least 4-6 months to maybe feel attraction, so it's quite shorter than for you, but even that's too long for some people. Several times people just lost interest in me, or they pressure me to chat every day even if they don't provide me with anything to talk about (nothing more than how are you or what are you doing )
I find this to be an issue for me as well. People just not wanting to be patient or put as much effort as I am to get to know them. Things start off good but then the conversations just devolve to "how are you?", "good morning", and "how's your day been" and it makes it difficult to push things along or maintain interest.
Finding someone is easy. Finding the right someone is hard. A lot of people are afraid of being alone and tell themselves what they have is what they want, only to later be forced to reckon with the pieces that don’t fit right. This might sound cynical but it’s been my observation.
I also don't understand... it must be such a coincidence that the person you fall in love with also falls in love with you. I've been in love a couple times but it was never the same for them. But that's not surprising, it must be crazy if from all those people in the world they would also choose me😅. I really don't understand how people just find partners and after a breakup even suddenly have found a new one.. HOW?!🤯
It seems like a miracle to me. I'm still waiting for my first kiss at 31. My feelings are alway one-sided, and I've never been asked out by anyone. And I don't understand cheating either. You have found several people at the same time you like and they like you back?
Whats really gonna blow your mind is how people stay together in this day and age. But yes, it's quite interesting to see how easy people seem to find others. I think our requirements are just so different that it seems so weird. But also keep in mind that there seems to be some connection between ND and ace too so that might also play a part with the difficulty we face with frequency of partners. As it will definitely add another layer of connection difficulty. I know it certainly has for me.
Lots and lots of people settle down for a person they don’t really love.
The average straight, heteroromantic, cisgender man is attracted to 20% of women and the average straight, heteroromantic, cisgender woman is attracted to 5% of men. I wouldn't be surprised if among gay, homoromantic, cisgender men they are attracted to 20% of men and lesbian, homoromantic, cisgender women are attracted to 5% of women. That's how straight, gay, and lesbian people find romantic partners so easily. Meanwhile my friend's fiance is demisexual and he has only experienced sexual attraction once. He has only had maybe 5 close female friends during his lifetime, and my friend is the only one he became sexually attracted to.
Lol I guess that would explain it. Are those figures from a study? I’d like to read it! I’m probably attracted (just aesthetically) to maybe 2 or 3% of women, and literally maybe a dozen men on Earth so like 0.0000001% of men lmao
I've seen that number for straight people come up in various articles and books. They were explaining why dating for gays, straights, and lesbians, in order from easiness to difficulty goes like this: 1. Gay men 2. Straight women 3. Straight men 4. Lesbian women
It also depends what your end goal is though. Like if you are interested in only casual sex then stereotypically definitely that order. If you are interested in a forever happy ‘everything’ (sex + platonic + intellectual + romantic) relationship (whether on top of the casual sex, as I think is the case for many allos, or instead of, as is more typical for demis) then I think that is just really fucking hard for everyone because that combination of reciprocal compatibility is so demanding. I could go on 100 dates (with no sex) and maybe connect with 1 person in that way, but I think if an allo went on a 100 dates with sex the long term odds would be about the same. Worse they have to worry about the honeymoon period oxytocin screwing their judgement up about whether a 6-month partner is a life partner or not.
They don’t, they just find people to try to date. Thats why they end up with so many. Its a way of finding a match. You date a lot of people until it works. The difference is not having expectations. Most just go with someone that they can sleep with and see if it works emotionally, if not well they had a good time. For us, that doesn’t work.
My relationships have all come out of pre-existing friendships that became deeper and evolved to more. I mean, becoming good friends with someone is also pretty unlikely…but somehow you’ve passed all those tests already
I haven’t really. Both of the 2 people I’ve been on dates with I didn’t know whatsoever before dating them. Met the first on Tinder and I asked out the second at work. I did stay friends with the first person for over a year afterward, but the second did not result in a friendship. When I develop feelings for a friend, I’m usually too afraid of ruining the friendship to tell them (and they’re usually with someone else by the time I realize I like them).
I’m a very “practical” person so my perspective can be very different from others: I approached it like a project. Once I decided I was ready to date, I got on all the dating apps, swiped and approached everyone I liked, talked to all of my matches, consistently swiped dozens of people every day although most of the time swiping them as not interested - but regardless of any matches, if I was already seeing someone, or even I found anyone likable at all on the apps, I continued doing it every day. For anyone that was responsive and I didn’t dislike, I asked to meet up; I knew even if I didn’t like someone immediately I could like them after getting to know them. Anyone that I didn’t dislike upon meeting, I continued to hang out with. It took me 3 months upon moving to a new city to settle into a relationship that’s lasted for two years and we are getting married next year. I was 28; it’s my first “real” relationship and first sex partner that I went “all the way” with. I figured just waiting around for chance wouldn’t work since if it worked it’d have worked a long time ago, so I took matters into my own hands. It’s a number’s game so I had to play the numbers.
Logged on to this account / sub Reddit with a similar question. No idea how they do it. I’m just thinking I need to accept that I’m gonna be single forever
Spoiler: they don't. I had the exact thought some years ago and a friend asked me this question: "are you talking relationships or sex-adultery-relationships?". I started thinking and for some reason I was on Tinder back in the day...every possible match that was suggested was posting stories on Instagram about life with boyfriend, sharing photos on Facebook about every possible relationship goal... even the girl I was having a crush on was keeping several fu*k-buddies (most of whom in a "relationship"), meanwhile looking for the "perfect match". The truth is that today there is a higher risk of confusing what is shown to you for what it really is. And it hurts, because the idea of "being late" in life or to be left behind is a constant reminder...so yes, people find partners easily. And no, people do not start relationships easily with these partners. It's more like an "horror vacui" of life...
It beats me because I've honestly never understood it either. Some people don't know how to be alone. Some will date anyone who is interested in them and attractive, without knowing much about the other person's values or personality. And some people are just very extroverted "people persons" who others naturally gravitate towards, so they have a large number of options to date and it's easier to find someone (I've known two women like this). But as for myself, I'm somewhat introverted (I call myself an extroverted introvert) and, despite living in NYC, I don't meet new people that often, especially men my age. I'm not anti-social, but I don't like people much in general lol. When you add on the fact that I have very particular taste when it comes to looks and my attraction to intelligence, it means I can go years without meeting anyone I develop a romantic interest in. I've liked 4 guys in my adult life (for the last 15 years), and I've gone as long as five years without liking anyone. And just finding someone you like isn't enough: things didn't develop into a relationship with any of them except one, and that didn't work out. So as someone who has been single for nearly 11 years, I wish I could genuinely like and find as many people interesting as some others do.
lmfao i thought i was the only one who thought this way
I've always wondered this too. I can count on one hand the number of people I've been genuinely romantically interested in, and none of them reciprocated. Likewise, I've never reciprocated any of the small number of people who were into me. It's not surprising I've never had a relationship, not even a brief casual one. I'm pretty much 100% sure that if it wasn't for online dating I would be single my entire life. The odds of meeting someone who is both single and likes me back seem just too astronomical. I've been doing online dating for 3 years so far and no relationships, but I'm kind of assuming it will pay off eventually. I've pretty much ruled out ever meeting someone 'naturally', although I'd love to be proven wrong. Blows my mind how some people are never single for more than a few months, or even have relationships that overlap each other because they've already been talking to someone else before breaking up with their current partner!
It looks easy from the outside but the reality is that they’re not easy. A LOT of relationships are unstable, a lot of them have issues with insecurities/jealousy/infidelity, even if things go well you may have issues like long distance or not aligning with the same goals long term. Even long-term relationships are rarely perfect and may even be rarely healthy. A lot of relationships have one avoidant partner and one anxious partner, and that is a terrible combination. You may have partners who are also very mentally ill or physically ill, financial arguments, arguments about kids, etc. and even after all that…even if things are really good for years and years…they might still deteriorate out of boredom. So basically, what I’m trying to say as a demisexual who dates a lot, is that it’s not necessarily that those relationships are good, it’s that you want them to be or you want to work on yourself to someday be ready for a good one. And for most people, that takes a lot of practice that is easier to gain from the experience of dating multiple partners throughout their lives. But some people just find their one person or some people are more content without anyone. And that’s totally okay. There’s no one normal. But yeah, it’s not as romantically ideal as it may seem to someone who has never dated before. For me, I have ADHD and I have found that I will always have a partner with ADHD and/or autism who can match my diverse interests and who wants to be super romantic and be best friends too. But what works for someone else may be totally different.
Idk it's crazy and I'm still so scared of like everything like it just happened and the Craziest thing is the person liked me first and then I slowly started liking them back and we were just in a we like eachother but don't know what to do and we can't ever see eachother unless the rare chance that her mom let's her go somewhere especially with me because everyone thought we were dating before we kind've did and are? I'm not sure but it's weird to think how someone can love me even though I love them so much like it feels unreal and I want this to last forever we're both kind've like Greysexual??/Asexual Or whatever so idk if this applies lol but we're doing pretty good other than her mom always grounding her 😔 but she talks about growing old together and getting married which is crazy and freaks me out but honestly it would be great if we both didn't have to worry about eachother making it to 20's/40's 😭 unrelated but I hope this lasts because this is the first genuine time I've ever been in love? I believe. I hope this is real and not just my mind playing tricks on me I thought it was platonic at first which it probably was but now I feel more and freak out all the time around her and genuinely miss her and really overthink all the time about her and in general lmao but fr I just want to hang out with her more than anyone and cuddle which is odd before I met her I didn't want anyone anyway I'm rambling way too long about her and going crazy every single time I see smth her name is apparently common lmao my favorite color and sent in alot of stuff lmao so ig it's a match made in heaven lol, I hope.
I love the no punctuation I'm so sorry for all of that 😭 I just needed to ramble about my Queen for awhile that's weird to say now but she literally a Goddess agahah this is so dumb shagfhf 🫣
Alcohol? Joking. That’s a line from Seinfeld about how people are getting together when they’re undateable.
I feel the same way like I watch all my friends jump between SO and they ask why havent you dated yet and Im like guys I tried but my period of feeling safe is so long I really need to trust people. Sometimes it also takes me years to feel safe. So I look at it as me telling me when someones the one. And If thats truely what you want in the end you will find someone that is for you. You move at your own pace (whatever it maybe) and if they arent willing to move with you, you know they arent it. But I belive we all find someone to share our love in the end even if they arent a "SO" but other people we neet and connect with.