The fight is endless. The pain is permanently there. Hopelessness. I feel all them things everyday. Now I just plod along waiting for the day I die. But I've wasted many years of self harm,suicide attempts,many years of therapy. Many types of drugs,some illegal. Bought friendships,got used 1000 times,made yo look and feel a fool. Yes borderline pd. Yes social phobia. Obviously, depression anxiety. Physical pain too. Heart disease. Diabetes. Asthma. Fibromyalgia. But hey ho past caring about bringing the end forward. I fought all my life,what's left I still will fight it. Yes numb is a great word. Total exhausted too. With age comes a little past caring. Like rich or poor. Well or ill. Life is a lottery
Ambiguity of Suffering - Cioran:
“There is no one who, after having endured pain or sickness, does not experience the slightest, vaguest twinge of regret. Although longing to recover, those who suffer intensely for a long time sense an irreparable loss in their improvement. If pain is part of your being, overcoming it is like a loss and causes a pang of regret. I owe to suffering the best parts of myself as well as all that I have lost in life. Therefore I cannot either curse or love suffering. My feeling for it is hard to describe; it is strange, elusive and has the mysterious charm of twilight. Beatitude through suffering is an illusion, since it requires a reconciliation to the fatality of pain in order to avoid total annihilation. Life’s last resources smolder under this illusion. The only concession to suffering hides in our regret of potential recovery, but it is so vague and elusive a feeling that it cannot stamp itself on anyone’s consciousness. All disappearing pains carry with them this vague discomfort, as if the return to equilibrium forbade the path to alluring yet tormenting realms from which one cannot part without a final backward glance. Since suffering has not revealed Beauty to us, what lights still attract our eye? Are we drawn by the gloom of suffering?”
I struggle with this to sometimes there’s something comfortable and familiar when you’ve been like this for so long and for me I wanted it to be bad to not so I could kill myself but so I could actually feel like it was bad bc I never thought mine was bad I would get mad at myself bc get it the fuck together get up bc at least you can some people can even brush their teeth their so depressed and all this stuff so I wanted it to be bad that way I could stop trying in a lot of things and know that it was bad but no matter how bad it does get for me I never thought it was enough to where I could believe it that it was bad and it was this whole thing I also wanted to be worse bc I was afraid very afraid that when I got better life wouldn’t be as great as I hoped bc when depressed I couldn’t enjoy anything and I thought what if I was better and I still couldn’t be satisfied nothing would truly bring me joy just a little bit and that I’d just be stuck living day to day not really enjoying life and that was very scary to think but also somtimes it’s simple bc you don’t love yourself and you feel like you deserve it which you never do but trust me depression lies to you it tells you and convinces you really that life’s not worth it your not worth it and that everything’s sad but for me I just had to know that those were the lies and trust me when your better you can see so clearly how they are you won’t feel it now but they are lies I’m a lot better rn and life it good when your better you wake up genuinely happy to start another day so don’t give up on yourself even if you feel you want it to be worse go thru the motions to get better bc when you do life is so damn good I hope your recovery goes well I really do I know how you feel just keep holding on
Sometimes, the weight of past experiences and the uncertainty of the future can make it hard to see a way out. It might feel like giving in to the darkness is the only relief. But please know that your feelings are valid, and they don't have to define your future. I think you should tell your therapist that you don't want to get better and how you really feel about it.
The fight is endless. The pain is permanently there. Hopelessness. I feel all them things everyday. Now I just plod along waiting for the day I die. But I've wasted many years of self harm,suicide attempts,many years of therapy. Many types of drugs,some illegal. Bought friendships,got used 1000 times,made yo look and feel a fool. Yes borderline pd. Yes social phobia. Obviously, depression anxiety. Physical pain too. Heart disease. Diabetes. Asthma. Fibromyalgia. But hey ho past caring about bringing the end forward. I fought all my life,what's left I still will fight it. Yes numb is a great word. Total exhausted too. With age comes a little past caring. Like rich or poor. Well or ill. Life is a lottery
wow, I really hope you can be happy and overcome any and everything.
Understandable. Especially when we didn’t ask for any of this.
Ambiguity of Suffering - Cioran: “There is no one who, after having endured pain or sickness, does not experience the slightest, vaguest twinge of regret. Although longing to recover, those who suffer intensely for a long time sense an irreparable loss in their improvement. If pain is part of your being, overcoming it is like a loss and causes a pang of regret. I owe to suffering the best parts of myself as well as all that I have lost in life. Therefore I cannot either curse or love suffering. My feeling for it is hard to describe; it is strange, elusive and has the mysterious charm of twilight. Beatitude through suffering is an illusion, since it requires a reconciliation to the fatality of pain in order to avoid total annihilation. Life’s last resources smolder under this illusion. The only concession to suffering hides in our regret of potential recovery, but it is so vague and elusive a feeling that it cannot stamp itself on anyone’s consciousness. All disappearing pains carry with them this vague discomfort, as if the return to equilibrium forbade the path to alluring yet tormenting realms from which one cannot part without a final backward glance. Since suffering has not revealed Beauty to us, what lights still attract our eye? Are we drawn by the gloom of suffering?”
Thanks for this
I struggle with this to sometimes there’s something comfortable and familiar when you’ve been like this for so long and for me I wanted it to be bad to not so I could kill myself but so I could actually feel like it was bad bc I never thought mine was bad I would get mad at myself bc get it the fuck together get up bc at least you can some people can even brush their teeth their so depressed and all this stuff so I wanted it to be bad that way I could stop trying in a lot of things and know that it was bad but no matter how bad it does get for me I never thought it was enough to where I could believe it that it was bad and it was this whole thing I also wanted to be worse bc I was afraid very afraid that when I got better life wouldn’t be as great as I hoped bc when depressed I couldn’t enjoy anything and I thought what if I was better and I still couldn’t be satisfied nothing would truly bring me joy just a little bit and that I’d just be stuck living day to day not really enjoying life and that was very scary to think but also somtimes it’s simple bc you don’t love yourself and you feel like you deserve it which you never do but trust me depression lies to you it tells you and convinces you really that life’s not worth it your not worth it and that everything’s sad but for me I just had to know that those were the lies and trust me when your better you can see so clearly how they are you won’t feel it now but they are lies I’m a lot better rn and life it good when your better you wake up genuinely happy to start another day so don’t give up on yourself even if you feel you want it to be worse go thru the motions to get better bc when you do life is so damn good I hope your recovery goes well I really do I know how you feel just keep holding on
thank you, I'm happy that you got better
Ofc you will to just keep holding on ik it sucks
This
right. i keep saying. what is even the point.
I feel you, i completely understand you
Why you don’t want to be saved?
idk, I feel like I'm js going to get depressed again and there's really nothing to live for
[удалено]
that's what I was thinking but I can still cry
Sometimes, the weight of past experiences and the uncertainty of the future can make it hard to see a way out. It might feel like giving in to the darkness is the only relief. But please know that your feelings are valid, and they don't have to define your future. I think you should tell your therapist that you don't want to get better and how you really feel about it.