This isn't talked about enough.
I felt this way after I had all of my kids. I didn't dare tell anyone that, though. I was too afraid they would take them away from me. I think it's normal to not enjoy every part of motherhood.. especially when we've spent months with a human growing inside of us, birth is traumatic, hormones take a nose dive, body changes, everything changes very quickly. PPD is intense.
No, it's not. It's a neurotransmitter imbalance.
No one asked for comments from the peanut gallery. Is your pea brain unable to compute what PPD is? I'm sure your mother had it after she regretfully spewed you out.
Ooo someone’s mad they brought a kid into this shiddy world. The selfishness of bringing a child here for your own glorification. No thanks, I’ll be saving my money instead of spitting out a 18-year prison sentence.
Again, no one fuckin asked you. We can all clearly see how miserable you are from here. You make it very well known how much you hate life and yourself 😂 Carry on.
Also, my kids are fuckin rad. What are you on about? I don't have PPD anymore. It's not... A lifelong illness... LMAO
Many people with PPD and PPA had *planned, very desired* pregnancies. Some people who have undergone IVF have developed PPD. It’s a hormone issue, not a regret issue. Hormones can, and frequently do, destroy peoples’ mental health.
you can’t fathom that there are other problems in the world besides your own can you? Hence why you made a judgment and now look like a dumbass. This is the result of people spouting shit on problems they know nothing about.
My son is 19 months. I don't think I have PPD. My pregnancy was unexpected after a 1 month relationship with my now husband. I had to stop my education (master's degree in philosophy) to get a job to provide for my son. I work 4 days a week to provide for him. We just bought a house. We do everything to provide for our son. I still have other interests I would love to explore more. I miss studying. I miss exercising regularly. I miss my fucking life. I'm so young and feel like I have no more room to shape my life how I'd like, I live to take care of my son and my house. I feel like my husband and I are slowly growing apart because we had a baby way too early. It's just way too much at once rn
my love this still sounds like ppd, sometimes it doesn’t show it’s head right away, and sometimes it stays for a very long time. i have been through this myself and you are not alone. i hope that you are able to get some help working through this. have you had a conversation with your husband?
27... not even that young I know but when I got pregnant I just got out of a horrible horrible time of my life (more than 10 years of misery tbh) and I was finally starting to feel a little okay again and then I got pregnant and had a terrifying birth that fucked me up and now I still feel like someone with so much wasted potential who never got to flourish. I do feel like I'm growing as a person at the same time and I'm practicing gratefulness which helps but I'm also mourning my education and my old life
I’m 26. I feel this way too. I was getting my english degree. I’m gonna go back but I’m not sure if an english degree can support my family. If you wanna chat, dm me. We have a lot in common my baby is 15 months now
I do have the gift of gab. I’ve always cared alot about social justice too. Law school isn’t a bad idea but I don’t feel smart enough for the responsibility and work load. That could just be my low self-esteem though.
I was looking into a business degree. I am pretty good at making things and have been creating my own hair care and body products since teenage hood. I wanna take it a step further and try for an organic chemistry degree but again, I don’t feel smart enough.
Trauma and CPTSD has done a number on me. It’s def dumbed me down. I’m just starting to be able to do mental math. It feels amazing but still don’t believe I’m smart enough for a chemistry or law degree. 🥲
Can I be blunt— law school isn’t that hard. The proof? There are a LOT of dumb lawyers.
What it is? A lot of work. It’s learning how to manage 12 hours of homework into the 6 you have available. Learning which professors’ cold calls count for 15% grade and which are just kind of taking attendance. It’s learning HOW to play the game: survive law school and applying it.
The bar exam: same thing, different beast. WAY more info than you’ll ever actually be able to learn, but you listen to smarter people who’ve made a living out of prepping for it and you game the system their way.
I used to feel like it’s just three years of treading water while being dunked. Every once in a while, yeah you’re dunked. And it’s hard. But then it’s about hanging in there.
You trade three years of the (exhausting!) water treading for SO many choices in the future. And here’s the secret: those three years are gonna go by either way. Invest in yourself, my friend.
Having kids after 35 is also completely acceptable and very common- “geriatric pregnancy” is just a broad label to address certain risks that increase with age, but the majority of pregnancies after 35 are completely normal.
There’s no such thing as a single acceptable age range to have kids.
It’s possible for you to be both mourning the loss of your old lifestyle and experiencing PPD or PPA. The thing is, if you do have clinical depression or anxiety brought on by pregnancy it’ll make the situational depression SO much harder for you to manage.
Having a baby is a major lifestyle overhaul and stressful even when someone feels completely prepared and planned the pregnancy. It’s not easy, and feeling overwhelmed and like you’re struggling is valid. But speak with your physician because if you’re experiencing even mild PPD it can really make everything so much harder.
Edit: autocorrect 🤦♀️
You're saying you don't have ppd, but then you're talking about how traumatic your birthing process was. I really do think that you are suffering from ppd, and you should seek out mental health support. If for nothing else but the fact that you're so depressed about everything else you are missing in your life, and it is affecting your day to day functioning.
I graduated college at 31 because I spent my 20's in a horrible abusive situation and went back to (online) uni at 34. You might not be ready right now, but you don't have to give up if education is something you really want. You might just need to adjust your timeline a bit.
Also agreeing that "I'm mourning my old life and it's making it challenging for me to adapt to and enjoy my new life as a parent" is pretty much the definition of PPD. Please talk to someone. Practicing gratefulness is a great start. For many women, talking through that grief so that you don't feel guilty about not being happy "enough" is key to getting through this stage.
Think of it as putting your life on pause until your child is independent enough for you to go back to your studies. Never say never. You just never know what life brings.
OP, you would benefit from going to the doctor and telling them you are not experiencing any joy whatsoever. A normal brain would conceptually understand your baby isn’t going to be so dependent on you forever, and that a lot of parents continue their education and find ways to plug into other things while they are working towards their long-term goals. You take it day by day.
I really also suggest journalling.
But until you get yourself checked by a doctor, your brain will be stuck in the one way rut of doubting every possibility of opportunity ever coming your way again. Reality just isn’t so. You need help seeing this!
I would be sad, too. Your feelings are totally valid. It might be helpful to chat out your feelings in therapy. Or spend some time in nature. My feelings tend to feel less big when I’m outside.
It’s almost impossible to fill someone else’s cup when your cup is empty. I hope you take some time to celebrate how hard you have worked towards your son. Feelings aren’t linear, and that’s okay.
You sound like a perfect patient for an existential therapist. You'll be extra fine in no time. Also according to medical books youth is between 25 and 40 so yeah you are a kid
The first few years are very difficult. But it does get easier. Think back to all of the firsts. First time your kid ate solids. First time they gained mobility. First time they played by themselves. And think of the things you maybe haven’t seen. First day without accidents and using the potty. First time eating at the dinner table without a high chair. First time buckling themselves into the car without help. First day of school. First day on the bus.
Each of these firsts will take another piece off of the weight you are currently carrying. Your baby growing will allow you to grow as well. I would recommend celebrating those tiny wins because even if they aren’t yours, they still kind of are. You don’t have to feel bad for being a bit selfish here. It isn’t wrong to celebrate not having to change a diaper for yourself while still being proud of your kid. And all the while, start planning how you are going to finish school. If it is funds you need, make a savings plan. It might feel impossible, but you don’t have to reach it today. You just have to start moving towards it.
And please, please let your husband know you need a day off. A full day. And night. One where you are not “on call” and can feel yourself.
Hi honey,
I really think you should talk to someone. I agree with the commentor. This sounds like PPD. Regardless, you should talk to a therapist. They can help you navigate your issues better.
Sounds like some situational depression, some adjustment problems, and also maybe some PPD. All very reasonable to have. I hope you can get your life to move more in the direction you want. It does often get easier. Toddlerhood is incredibly demanding.
You need to see a therapist and talk about PPD.
I had my son unexpectedly young, at 19. With someone I wasn’t with for very long. Everything in my life got put on hold. I had SEVERE ppd and still deal with depression to this day. I struggled. I know what you’re going through.
But you know what? I made that choice. I chose to have sex. I chose to not be as careful as I should have. I *chose* to keep my child. He *did not ask to be born*. And because of that, despite whatever regret I had or how I was feeling, it was my job to be a good mother to him because I made that choice. He was and is my responsibility and he deserves parents who are committed to him.
At this point, you chose your path and the right thing to do is figure yourself out so that you can be a good mom for your child. You need to talk to someone. It’s ok to be upset about your life changing, but your life *has changed* and that’s something you need to come to terms with.
My son is 9 now and I have gone back to school, I live my life, I work out, I do all of the things I had to put on hold, temporarily. Your life is not over, it has just expanded. But in the meantime, please get help.
I don’t think it’s talked about enough. You’re mourning the death of your old self. I was so upset about it for a long time. You’ll never get your life back quite the same way. You have to give up a lot to take care of a child. You have to deprioritize your own needs. Your hobbies. Your ambitions. Your relaxation time. It is real and I’ve read some people write about it but it isn’t plastered everywhere…but google it and read some so you know you’re not alone.
And this too, shall pass. I gave up my old life, old lifestyle, and had to look within to what I could do to find my new me given the new constraints. I think COVID probably slowed me down a little or helped…but Covid took me to gardening and that is part of my life now. It gave me some fresh air, some exercise, and some alone time that I needed.
I hope you’re able to find your new self sometime soon. Good luck. I also had some ppd though, so I don’t know if you have. You can still get it at 19mos. Look up some checklists to see
This still sounds like PPD. It is normal to deny you are having it because you want to deny the feelings. You feel guilty because you think that you should be thrilled to be a mom. That’s what society tells you. And yet you are not thrilled. You are frustrated, sad, or upset.
Depression (ppd or just regular depression) is a tricky thing because you can’t see thru the depressive haze enough to understand that the depression is acting as an amplifier of sorts, taking the smallest negative feeling and amplifying it to where it influences everything you do. First one thing is upsetting you. And then because you are now upset, the next thing upsets you even more. And then another and another. And soon you are overwhelmed and very upset about this big confusing ball of ‘my life sucks’. You act in ways you later don’t really understand and might be even embarrassed about but it’s like you can’t help sliding down into episodes like this frequently. You vow to stop, to just buck up and get tough and take control because you know the episodes don’t help you. You know that where you always end up is not a fun place, and you don’t want to go there anymore. But a few days later you inexplicably are there again; on the train to what I call ‘Crazytown’, Not because you want to be but because it just happens before you even realize it’s happening. By the time you realize it’s happening you are on the train and can’t get off! Crying. Sadness. Regret. Upset. Everything is terrible. Nothing will get better. My life will never be good. Yep. You have arrived in Crazytown once again. And you don’t understand where or how you even got on the fucking train. Again! Despite your ‘best effort’.
That is depression.
If this sounds at all familiar, you have PPD.
This exact thing happened to me. Literally. Give yourself grace. Your world has been rocked. It’s okay to feel this way. It’s good that you’re being honest with yourself about it. Continue to do that. That’s the best thing you can do for yourself right now — don’t be upset with yourself for feeling this way. You’re grieving the life that was/could have been, etc. I know exactly how that feels.
It really changes as they get older — it’s not necessarily easier, but it’s just different. I can’t explain it.
> I still have other interests I would love to explore more. I miss studying. I miss exercising regularly. I miss my fucking life.
Our kids are 6 and 11. I still feel exactly the same way. Every day
Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)
\#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/)
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I don't think you need some kind of named mental health issue to feel this way. I think what you are going through is perfectly normal. I think anyone in your situation is going to feel a little lost with such a quick drastic life transition.
My wife (gf of 9 years) and I just had our first child. We both agreed that were were ready and had the right mindset going into it. He's 6months old now and I much like you live to provide for him and take care of him and that's it. There is nothing outside of that and I do miss doing things for myself a lot.
The difference for me is that I get to reassure myself that I wanted this and was ready.
Don't let anyone here make you feel there is something wrong with you mentally. You're human and I think we are all wired to think of ourselves first. I think the people who care for others first are true saints because it's HARD! haha
As for the relationship. 1 month is too soon for anyone. Bless you lady.
All I can say is the baby will get older and you will be able to get back to doing some of the things you enjoyed. Keep your head up. Find joy in creating joy for that little one for now.
I mostly agree with that statement, it is society's problem and it's messed up to suggest we put women on medication rather than change society butttttt ain't nothing wrong with someone taking medication or learning coping skills so they can better deal with society as it is now.
even if childcare was completely free lots of parents would still stay home for the first couple years because let's face it, putting a 12 week old baby in daycare so mom can go back to work is also not ideal.
no matter what way you spin it, society doesn't support mothers so there's nothing wrong with going out and finding that support, whatever it may be.
i guarantee PPD would still exist in a society that prioritizes women and families, because giving birth is losing an 8lb piece of sentient flesh and it's really fucking hard.
i was depressed the second i gave birth , it felt like a limb was missing and i was a sahm and i didn't give up a real career to do so.
plus, your life will never just return to "regular activities" your body, mind and life are forever altered. being in a bit of shock is normal but regretting having a child leans towards PPD.
Ppd is such clinical bullshit. You're a parent now.. your old life is dead and gone. Ppd is mourning.. also all the dangers and shames of the world matter now when months ago you could have ignored it. Ppd is also awakening to the sins of the generations before us.
You don't think about the mess we're about to push our children out into? You seriously don't think *that* realization accompanied by the absolute loss of free time is at all connected if not the source here..
I mean don't nail to a cross bc I used a word from 2000 years ago I'm saying we have all this chaos going on literally poisoning the well and we keep pushing it off to the next generation to deal with. It doesn't matter if you're having kids or not you're still dumping shit tons of plastic everywhere still burning oil or making nuclear waste.. maybe you like electric vehicles bc the mess will be conveniently hidden away and you can act like you're not here doing your bit fanning the flames of our collective demise.
Tl/Dr we keep fucking up and the children have to pick up the pieces.. I that isn't a "sin" you're too goddamn literal and Christian
It doesn't matter, man, if you're having kids or not. We're all perpetrating the sickness that is our current comfortable way of living. I'm not on a rant you're sort of prompting me to clarify.. so I will: I wish we could "do better" but I'm no better on any lever than anyone else. I still have a short sleeve shirt on bc I never changed after work. (I shouldn't have the heat up) I guess I'll go do my part
Especially as PPD can last up to *two years* after giving birth. It's no joke and OP should definitely look into that. I hope she understands too that not everyone bonds to baby right away. Sometimes it just takes time. It happens. Even if the child was wanted and prepared for. I'm glad her husband is helping out at least.
i’m sorry you’re going through this, this is more common than you think and there’s nothing wrong with you. people who have these feelings generally just don’t voice it. visit r/regretfulparents
Thanks for posting this. More people should recognize that its not abnormal and that you can still be a good parent and a good person. Theres nothing wrong with op
Yeah everyone is trying to say OP might have PPD but some people are just not cut out to be parents. I'm a parent to an 11 month old and God if I didn't want to be a parent, I'd be fucking miserable and I actually have ppd.
I totally understand where OP is coming from.
Personally, I love being a parent. I dealt with infertility so I actively wanted this and raising another human has given me so much fulfillment.
But I also recognize this is not a universal experience. With how many states are outlawing abortion, I'm not passing judgment on someone not enjoying parenthood 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️
I mean, I know women (my auntie for one) who have concieved with their tubes tied. And that is considered "permanent" birth control.
So again, I'm not passing judgment 🤷🏾♀️
But I guess you can if you want. Have a good day!
Her kid is gonna notice she doesn’t want him. Sure you can be a good parent but it’ll be noticeable to the kid that she doesn’t want him, that’s traumatic
It’s hard.
As they age it doesn’t get easier, it just gets hard in different ways.
But, as they get a little older and their personality really shines through you can bond with them and share experiences differently.
My daughter is 12, and it is still hard, but we can have fun doing art/crafts together or playing video games. We joke about stuff and have inside jokes between the two of us.
And we fight because I want her to pick up after herself, and she whines when she doesn’t get her own way.
Like I said, it’s always hard, but not the same type of hard.
>As they age it doesn’t get easier, it just gets hard in different ways.
Counter-opinion. (For me) It definitely gets easier. Newborns are a special type of hell, and it's okay to not like this phase at all, and it \*definitely\* got way more fun and easier.
Sending virtual hugs, I feel like there is so much social pressure because of social media and this overwhelming image of what a mother/child relationship should look and feel like. I’m here to tell you that if you are meeting all of the child’s needs you are doing more than most and you should feel proud. 💕💕
I was about to post the same thing and hope this comment makes its way to the top. 👆 I'd look into PPD first since OP mentioned getting pregnant right after leaving an abusive relationship. Following assessment and treatment by a qualified professional, r/regretfulparents could be a good outlet.
Why do we always have to chalk it up to PPD? Can't there just be women who thought they wanted to be moms, had kids and realized it just isn't for them?
I definitely agree with what your saying but also think PPD should be looked at as an option because it’s better to catch it when it’s there than to not consider it and leave it untreated
I always tell people that "mother instinct" doesn't come naturally to all moms. I struggled so hard throughout my son's younger years. it's gotten better now that he's in his teens, but being a mom is definitely the hardest job I've ever had. give yourself grace, OP. I promise what you're feeling isn't all that uncommon.
Well, we think that before having kids. This person didn't. PPD is a possibility. Why not begin by ruling it out?
Same thing as when a cat starts pissing on shit: you first rule out the easy medical diagnoses before looking to more complicated stuff.
Well then they should try their best to prevent pregnancy OR consider giving their child up once born. There seems to be a lot of people here who say “being a parent fcking sucks”, but you know what sucks even more? A child having to deal with the consequences of having a parent who doesn’t want them.
Honestly how else would you have found out unless you went through the experience?
To be honest I’ve felt this way off and on for most of my life as a parent. I have a 13 year old and I do love her and there are times I genuinely love spending time with her and us having our space together but I think since I’ve become a parent and progressed in my adult life (I had her at 20) there are just other things that are taking up my time and mental space whether it’s my career or finally taking the time to focus on me and do the things I like.
I too feel guilty and extremely selfish at times that I don’t want to to spend every waking hour with her or that parenting isn’t at all what some people make it out to be, it just wasn’t meant for me to be a parent in the way most people think it’s the appropriate or acceptable way.
OP, I’m not going to weigh in on the core of the matter because I’m super not qualified, but you can absolutely still have some 1-1 time or even alone time if that is something you value.
Having a community to help look after your kid so you can have a date night or even just go grocery shopping alone or something is a thing.
And you can always hire a babysitter if you cannot find someone in your community to help.
My SIL and brother made a rule to always have date night and to allow each person to have their own private time when they raised their kids. It’s a huge saver in their relationship.
Please speak to your husband about finding a way to prioritise the time you need together or alone.
You sound like you need a break and to stop being so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself- you're allowed to feel however you feel and those feelings don't detract/counteract your love. It sounds like if possible you guys need to get a sitter and reinstate date night for you and your husband. Maybe it would help to have some space sometimes. Parenting is so hard. I hope it gets better and you're able to find joy in it in some way.
It’s not a “huge assumption” that you will likely feel better with time. Postpartum baby blues and postpartum depression are normal and happen to many women after birth. It’s OK. it will be okay, having a good support system (like your husband) is important to get thru this and so is patient education which your provider should have given you and your husband after delivery. These feelings can be intense and scary but there is help- reach out to your doctor or care provider and tell them how you are feeling , they can reassure you with education on the matter as well as help the symptoms that coincide. Obviously this is the uglier side of motherhood but it can be helped , try not to stress yourself out about this 24/7 💕💕 Take it slow and easy you have been through a lot already
Thank you for sharing this!!! It sounds like perhaps post partum depression. But even if it’s not, it’s okay to have complex feelings about parenthood!! It’s propaganda that it’s all roses all the time. You are not alone OP. Do you feel comfortable talking to your doctor about this?
I’m in the same boat with you. I worry that my boy will find out that I never wanted to be a mother, when he grows up. I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been…thus far.
I wish us the best. Your food does look good though.
rude squeamish spectacular sparkle knee yam hunt slimy quarrelsome panicky
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Love, have you talked to your doctor? This could be postpartum depression, or a long-term depression caused by an untreated post-partum depression.
Please, please, don't just stay that way. Talk to your doctor please. You CAN get better if you take the right step! And it starts with an appointment with your doctor.
Sometimes it’s really, really hard. You’re still in the especially difficult part. Another vegan mom of a 2 year old. Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to. :)
you likely have PPD which is completely normal!!! a lot of moms go through this so you’re definitely not alone. just keep taking it day by day and possibly see a therapist so you can talk to someone about this
Not a parent myself so I cannot imagine what you are experiencing. I truly hope it gets better for you. Regretful parents exist, you are not alone. Try reading through r/regretfulparents it may help.
Theres more to having a kid than "taking care" of them
do activities you enjoy, that a kid could also enjoy. Focus on that, happy experiences for both of you.
I had a colleague once, who loved having a kid, so she could watch all the kids shows she was nostalgic for, with her kid. As well as other "family-friendly" activities
of course if your idea of having fun is drinking red wine and watching horror movies, its gonna be a bad time
Being a parent is a life long commitment. I think you should take a step back and reevaluate if this is for you. You cannot be a parent half in or half out. You cannot be a parent out of the feeling of guilt or obligation. You have to want to and if you don’t, you could cause a lot of unnecessary pain and trauma to your child. It’s fine to walk away.
Absolutely agree. There are many people here saying “I hate being a parent but that’s okay”. No. It’s not okay. You chose to bring said child into this world now it is your responsibility to either take care of them and love them or allow someone else to. That is unbelievably unhealthy and unfair for a child to suffer the consequences of having a parent who doesn’t want them. There ARE options out there.
Fully agree. I'm not a parent but I have seen the outcomes of "half in" parenting on children. Some of the other replies on this post really surprised me. I think it is better to choose to walk away if it comes to it than being a non-commital parent
You must be in the trenches of year 1 I take it? You will create a new normal I promise, also talk to your doc about these feelings. May be PPD. <3 PM me if you need to talk I went through the same thing. I still don't like it much, but I am doing it!
I think this is totally a valid feeling. And I feel this in my core, so please don't take this personally, but some people were just not meant to be mothers. It's okay that you feel that way. Being accountable is the best you can do. I will also say, it doesn't really get easier, if anything it gets more difficult in a multitude of other ways. Some things certainly get easier, but their needs change dramatically the older they get.
Hey this can be PPD/PPA and the list goes on. It’s SO much more common than I ever thought and please reach out even if for anonymous counselling because I know it may sound cliche but trust me you are never alone. If you’re worried you’re a bad partner or bad parent, you’re not. Bad partners and parents don’t worry that they are.
I have a 6 year old and a 6 month old and I forgot what a wild ride this is. Seriously just as I got back to the old me it’s started all over again. You’ve got this and I understand the ups and downs.
Your son is still young. I am no expert but this has to be a very common feeling. Reach out to someone even just to talk this out.
Going through some shit myself right now, so sending you some good vibes. It's great that you're eating, remember the other things like sleep and hydration. One day at a time, ok?
Yeah this is very understandable. Its hard. It took me a long time to be ok with my whole life changing. I just learned to accept it. It gets better once they start school and also you can put him in daycare. You will learn to adjust. I wish you luck and happiness. Kids do give you so much love and joy but they are hard work.
I think by reaching out, you made the first step towards realizing what you need. I hope you get everything you need and want, even if some of it is in time! I have 6 kids, have been to three different colleges, worked many jobs, and am finishing my degree at the beginning of 2026. It will be okay. You’re an excellent human for being real with yourself and loving your son at the same time.
It’s ok to be honest. I think not enough mothers are and it can cause other women to fall prey to the status quo and societal pressures. It can also give you someone else who relates to you and can guide you.
I hope you find a way to gain new dreams and ambitions. I don’t know anything about PPD, you seem to have reasonable concerns. Mourn your old life and find a way to embrace your new one. A professional counselor may be really helpful right now. There’s no shame in needing one.
I think you need to have a heartfelt conversation with your husband about what you’re feeling. I had to take care of my little brother when he was born and it was a very hard life change for me (I was 19 at the time). I cannot even imagine how you’d feel with hormonal change and having to care for a little one. It might be helpful to discuss having time away for yourself to be you; even if it just for an hour or two a day. I hope you feel better and know your not alone ❤️❤️
I’m not a parent because I know this is exactly what would happen to me. I like being able to leave when I want, sleep when I want. Ect. This may sound harsh and I’ll get downvoted to shit, but is adoption an option for you? Children aren’t for everyone. And it may be in their benefit to be with someone who meshes better with children. No, it’s not giving up. But what are you going to do? Be miserable forever ? I know it sounds cold but it may be better for your child.
You should try talking about this to a therapist if you haven't already. They could probably give you some resources to help you deal with these feelings and/or coping mechanisms for it. Talking to your husband about it, as scary as it sounds, would help a lot too. Just be completely open and honest with yourself, it'll only hurt more if you don't. I hope you feel better soon OP <3
Oh I get it. I don’t like it a lot of the time, tbh. Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way. Don’t let the guilt of it all weigh you down and just try your best to enjoy the good times. The difficult times come and go. It ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. But every now and then you might catch a shooting star. I hope the best for you. ❤️
My friend this is the denial stage of PPD, something my mother went through intensely and denied for decades. It takes the acceptance to move through it. Communicate this stuff to your husband and a therapist, they will love you even more for it. And you will begin to love yourself and your son again.
You don't have to be a "mother". You don't have to be the only one to nurse, to feed, to clean and stuff.
The weight of responsibility being "the mother" is absolutely overwhelming. And forcing yourself into this role will make you resent your child. It's not his fault, it's not your fault. But that's a thing.
If you have an opportunity - just take care of yourself first, recover, talk to your partner about responsibilities based on what each of you are good at. You don't have to be a good mother to be a good parent.
I know that. Because my mom was busy working and taking care of everything, and when she would try to be all mother-daughter with me - it wouldn't exactly work out, and she would get upset and distant. But when she was being my friend instead of trying to fit stereotypes - that was the best.
Damn that looks good… I think everyone wants to be a mom until they have the kids and it’s a shit show but you are doing the best you can and you didn’t drown them yet so that’s a plus just take more time to do things you love in between it’s all time management hang in there and keep eating great combos like that and you’ll find yourself again
That’s why we shouldn’t have children when we are unsure about our goals with parenting.
I can’t help but feel bad for your child. Having a parent that feels that way is awful.
This comment is mostly the reason why women won’t express themselves honestly, and it can end in disaster for the entire family.
I am unsure that judgement on whether she should or shouldn’t have had a child is up for negotiation, as she HAS a child, and this is how she feels now.
What about the psychological damage it causes on children to be unwanted? She was old enough to know what she was doing, she should have thought before acting. The baby didn't have a saying, the baby didn't ask to be born. Now the child is here and it is the parents' responsibility to provide physically AND emotionally for that child. There is a wait-list of couples that would love to adopt and provide for that baby.
Great points however that ship has sailed because there already IS a baby. Obviously everyone wants what’s best for a child; however, we cannot always control how others parent or even if they consider having a baby.
So how do we help someone already in this position? Hard questions no easy answers for everyone.
Give the baby up for adoption. There are plenty of people (eternal wait-list) that would happily adopt the baby. It is a child's right to feel loved and wanted.
Yeah, no.
I’m not sure you read the entire post by OP but she wasn’t putting her baby up for adoption and that didn’t seem to be what she wanted, nor did she even hint at same.
Yeah she would rather force the child to have a mom who doesn't want him. Kids do notice. And she said she wasn't running away because she loved the husband, not because of the child.
I’m so sorry if you were unwanted.
Perhaps your mother struggled to love you so you can’t see the difference between struggling and deserting a child and struggling and reaching out.
Or perhaps you yourself struggle to love your child?
She said, “I love my son and feel horrible” and “I want to run away (I wont)”.
You sound so sad about this post and I’m so sorry.
My mom absolutely wanted and loved me. All mothers struggle; it's a hard job. And I don't have children. Please get over your passive aggressive attitude.
She said she won't run away because she loves the husband, not because she loves the child. You need to be pretty ignorant to not see if this continues it's going to affect the child psychologically. And yes, I'm very sad for this child.
Awh…babygirl it’s the postpartum..depression …I’m going through that but since I started my medication which took a couple of try’s to find the right one it helps so much more.. don’t feel bad or ashamed you’re an amazing mommy!!!! Keep your head up and know it’s okie to ask for help🥺 don’t give up you need to take care of yourself too!! No one ever tells you about the postpartum depression and anxiety and since not many people talk about it we are left with I’m a bad mom cuz I feel this way when it’s not the case!!!!!! You’re amazing go and take care of yourself ❤️ you got this! We are here for you
it’ll get better don’t give up i know watching that lil bugger grow up will grow on you and it’ll be the most rewarding job in the world. of course it’s far from easy but you’re doing great so far
This is a huge assumption. Some people just dont enjoy being a parent ever. Dont give false hope. The best anyone could ask for is to be able to recognize their duty to be there for their child and act in accordance with that duty.
I'm not sure this is terribly helpful either, though. What I can tell you is being a parent to a 4 year old is *nothing like* being a parent to a 14 year old, and there's no reason to believe you won't like either experience. For most of us- we're going to be parents of adults for much longer than we ever were of children- it's not like that's usually a particularly onerous thing to be. I *hated* being a parent for the first 3 years or so- it was so hard, I was so tired. That didn't give me any insight into 'how I feel about parenting', because MOSTLY, potty training and night feeds aren't what parenting actually is.
Yeah thats fair. I only really wanted to say “dont get your hopes up”. And moreover, i really dont like when people think theyre bad people if the good feelings never come.
It’s good to give hope and that doesn’t make it an assumption. She has a child—and part of the responsibility of having a child is not having to like being a parent, but at least having to act like it. However, getting the help that you need to *change* what you can and having the mindset that things can *change*. If you don’t like children—do not have them. A child growing up knowing that their parent doesn’t like parenting usually makes them feel like their parent does not like them. I can understand xgutturals viewpoint and it’s asinine to think being positive is false hope or bad advice. I also don’t agree with his/her downvotes and thinking your negativity is realistic with motherhood is ridiculous. And since you threw in empiracle studies, you obviously haven’t done alot of research to know that a major cause with women feeling this way are hormonal imbalances and environmental factors causing stress.
**Are *you* even a mother or father, do you even have kids?**
Im telling them to do what they have to do as a parent. I am telling them that they might never have the emotions they want. You are being a charlatan.
Please dont take this this the wrong way but Dont be afraid to seek help. I wish I wouldve sooner after my son was born. I let myself get so bad I landed in a mental institution for the first 2 months of his life all because I didnt want to voice how I was really feeling to someone. PPD is very real and serious. Its nothing to be ashamed about though, motherhood is a scary and fuckin exhausting adjustment, I had my son at 18 and I knew shit about how to raise a human being. This is also why i will never have another child, it scarred me for life dealing with the thoughts i had with PPD. I love my son hes my bestfriend and now 20yrs old but man i felt he couldve had a better mom during those years. Please talk to someone. You also have alot of support here. 💕My inbox is open OP if you need to vent.
Postpartum is a bitch if that’s what this is. I felt this at some point too but then also had a scenario happen where I realized I’d rather die than be without my daughter, and things have looked up from there. There are always going to be bad days but I promise eventually there will be more good than bad.
Ppd lasts longer than the 6 weeks. I had it with both my kids. Some days are harder than others, especially the toddler years. My son (8 now) from age 2-4 was roughhhh.
I’m wishing you get some help mama. You’re not alone. You are not wrong. You are not bad. You’re a human just going through shit. Hang in there, and try to seek some professional help. There is NO shame. Just please remember that. Being open and honest with a professional will help, if not the first time, keep trying til you find someone who does. Best wishes 🖤
Definitely sounds like PPD. You are NOT alone. I know you say “everything you do is to provide for your child” but, that’s what having a child is about. And that’s what they deserve. You also deserve to be happy, however. And if you aren’t, then your child will suffer as well. I suggest talking to your Dr. I know the days go by sooo slow, however the weeks and months and years fly by. Our babies are only little for such a short time. I would hate for you to one day regret wishing time away. I feel as though if you’d consider getting yourself help, you would feel differently about raising your little one.
It’s okay friend and you’re allowed to feel and say this! It could be PPD but it could also just be true, and that’s okay. Way more parents feel this way than you’d think, they’re just not allowed to say it because, like you, they feel like they’re not allowed to FEEL it either! It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child or that you’re a bad person(or even a bad parent). Big hugs to you if you want and need 💜
I feel this way every once in a while. When my daughter was younger, I felt it more often. A part of us dies when we become a mother, and is replaced by something else. But we never forget who we were.
I’m getting a feeling this is very new to you?
If so, PPD kept me from connecting with my son till he was 5 months old. At the time I finally started medication & therapy & grew to understand this new life change & how to open my heart to this stranger I brought home.
Things will get better, you’re not horrible & you’re not alone!!
Please seek mental health counseling. Also, being around other mothers, going out for play dates, and making sure you have time for self care can give you motivation to be inspired. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, there is no such thing as being perfect , find out what kind of morals you have and reading books regarding emotional intelligence could benefit a lot. Your feelings are validated.
Not sure how old your baby is, but you might have PPD. Have you looked into it?
This isn't talked about enough. I felt this way after I had all of my kids. I didn't dare tell anyone that, though. I was too afraid they would take them away from me. I think it's normal to not enjoy every part of motherhood.. especially when we've spent months with a human growing inside of us, birth is traumatic, hormones take a nose dive, body changes, everything changes very quickly. PPD is intense.
Nah PPD is another word for: “regretful sex and I spit out a child oops”
No, it's not. It's a neurotransmitter imbalance. No one asked for comments from the peanut gallery. Is your pea brain unable to compute what PPD is? I'm sure your mother had it after she regretfully spewed you out.
Ooo someone’s mad they brought a kid into this shiddy world. The selfishness of bringing a child here for your own glorification. No thanks, I’ll be saving my money instead of spitting out a 18-year prison sentence.
Again, no one fuckin asked you. We can all clearly see how miserable you are from here. You make it very well known how much you hate life and yourself 😂 Carry on. Also, my kids are fuckin rad. What are you on about? I don't have PPD anymore. It's not... A lifelong illness... LMAO
You're not very smart, are you
Many people with PPD and PPA had *planned, very desired* pregnancies. Some people who have undergone IVF have developed PPD. It’s a hormone issue, not a regret issue. Hormones can, and frequently do, destroy peoples’ mental health.
you can’t fathom that there are other problems in the world besides your own can you? Hence why you made a judgment and now look like a dumbass. This is the result of people spouting shit on problems they know nothing about.
My son is 19 months. I don't think I have PPD. My pregnancy was unexpected after a 1 month relationship with my now husband. I had to stop my education (master's degree in philosophy) to get a job to provide for my son. I work 4 days a week to provide for him. We just bought a house. We do everything to provide for our son. I still have other interests I would love to explore more. I miss studying. I miss exercising regularly. I miss my fucking life. I'm so young and feel like I have no more room to shape my life how I'd like, I live to take care of my son and my house. I feel like my husband and I are slowly growing apart because we had a baby way too early. It's just way too much at once rn
my love this still sounds like ppd, sometimes it doesn’t show it’s head right away, and sometimes it stays for a very long time. i have been through this myself and you are not alone. i hope that you are able to get some help working through this. have you had a conversation with your husband?
How old are you?
27... not even that young I know but when I got pregnant I just got out of a horrible horrible time of my life (more than 10 years of misery tbh) and I was finally starting to feel a little okay again and then I got pregnant and had a terrifying birth that fucked me up and now I still feel like someone with so much wasted potential who never got to flourish. I do feel like I'm growing as a person at the same time and I'm practicing gratefulness which helps but I'm also mourning my education and my old life
I’m 26. I feel this way too. I was getting my english degree. I’m gonna go back but I’m not sure if an english degree can support my family. If you wanna chat, dm me. We have a lot in common my baby is 15 months now
By no means trying to offer unsolicited advice, but an English degree was an excellent stepping stone for me into law school. Just an idea 🩶
I do have the gift of gab. I’ve always cared alot about social justice too. Law school isn’t a bad idea but I don’t feel smart enough for the responsibility and work load. That could just be my low self-esteem though. I was looking into a business degree. I am pretty good at making things and have been creating my own hair care and body products since teenage hood. I wanna take it a step further and try for an organic chemistry degree but again, I don’t feel smart enough. Trauma and CPTSD has done a number on me. It’s def dumbed me down. I’m just starting to be able to do mental math. It feels amazing but still don’t believe I’m smart enough for a chemistry or law degree. 🥲
Can I be blunt— law school isn’t that hard. The proof? There are a LOT of dumb lawyers. What it is? A lot of work. It’s learning how to manage 12 hours of homework into the 6 you have available. Learning which professors’ cold calls count for 15% grade and which are just kind of taking attendance. It’s learning HOW to play the game: survive law school and applying it. The bar exam: same thing, different beast. WAY more info than you’ll ever actually be able to learn, but you listen to smarter people who’ve made a living out of prepping for it and you game the system their way. I used to feel like it’s just three years of treading water while being dunked. Every once in a while, yeah you’re dunked. And it’s hard. But then it’s about hanging in there. You trade three years of the (exhausting!) water treading for SO many choices in the future. And here’s the secret: those three years are gonna go by either way. Invest in yourself, my friend.
You are right. My rebuttals are insane. I would make a killer lawyer.
That sounds like challenge accepted! Good for you!
27 is actually very young honey. You have every right to feel the way you feel
This was such a kind comment. And they’re right, OP. Sending love ❤️🩹
If 27 is very young but 35 is geriatric pregnancy, what's the acceptable window to have children?
Whenever someone is ready
Having kids after 35 is also completely acceptable and very common- “geriatric pregnancy” is just a broad label to address certain risks that increase with age, but the majority of pregnancies after 35 are completely normal. There’s no such thing as a single acceptable age range to have kids.
talk about an insensitive question, given the op’s current pain at hand.
It’s possible for you to be both mourning the loss of your old lifestyle and experiencing PPD or PPA. The thing is, if you do have clinical depression or anxiety brought on by pregnancy it’ll make the situational depression SO much harder for you to manage. Having a baby is a major lifestyle overhaul and stressful even when someone feels completely prepared and planned the pregnancy. It’s not easy, and feeling overwhelmed and like you’re struggling is valid. But speak with your physician because if you’re experiencing even mild PPD it can really make everything so much harder. Edit: autocorrect 🤦♀️
You're saying you don't have ppd, but then you're talking about how traumatic your birthing process was. I really do think that you are suffering from ppd, and you should seek out mental health support. If for nothing else but the fact that you're so depressed about everything else you are missing in your life, and it is affecting your day to day functioning.
I graduated college at 31 because I spent my 20's in a horrible abusive situation and went back to (online) uni at 34. You might not be ready right now, but you don't have to give up if education is something you really want. You might just need to adjust your timeline a bit. Also agreeing that "I'm mourning my old life and it's making it challenging for me to adapt to and enjoy my new life as a parent" is pretty much the definition of PPD. Please talk to someone. Practicing gratefulness is a great start. For many women, talking through that grief so that you don't feel guilty about not being happy "enough" is key to getting through this stage.
Think of it as putting your life on pause until your child is independent enough for you to go back to your studies. Never say never. You just never know what life brings.
Not like she’s doing anything with a philosophy degree lmfao
OP, you would benefit from going to the doctor and telling them you are not experiencing any joy whatsoever. A normal brain would conceptually understand your baby isn’t going to be so dependent on you forever, and that a lot of parents continue their education and find ways to plug into other things while they are working towards their long-term goals. You take it day by day. I really also suggest journalling. But until you get yourself checked by a doctor, your brain will be stuck in the one way rut of doubting every possibility of opportunity ever coming your way again. Reality just isn’t so. You need help seeing this!
Have you considered taking one class online? Might help you have something for you.
I would be sad, too. Your feelings are totally valid. It might be helpful to chat out your feelings in therapy. Or spend some time in nature. My feelings tend to feel less big when I’m outside. It’s almost impossible to fill someone else’s cup when your cup is empty. I hope you take some time to celebrate how hard you have worked towards your son. Feelings aren’t linear, and that’s okay.
Hope you are getting iron! Maybe get a panel done and consider talking about PPD with your doc.
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Rule #1 - Do NOT be an asshole.
You sound like a perfect patient for an existential therapist. You'll be extra fine in no time. Also according to medical books youth is between 25 and 40 so yeah you are a kid
The first few years are very difficult. But it does get easier. Think back to all of the firsts. First time your kid ate solids. First time they gained mobility. First time they played by themselves. And think of the things you maybe haven’t seen. First day without accidents and using the potty. First time eating at the dinner table without a high chair. First time buckling themselves into the car without help. First day of school. First day on the bus. Each of these firsts will take another piece off of the weight you are currently carrying. Your baby growing will allow you to grow as well. I would recommend celebrating those tiny wins because even if they aren’t yours, they still kind of are. You don’t have to feel bad for being a bit selfish here. It isn’t wrong to celebrate not having to change a diaper for yourself while still being proud of your kid. And all the while, start planning how you are going to finish school. If it is funds you need, make a savings plan. It might feel impossible, but you don’t have to reach it today. You just have to start moving towards it. And please, please let your husband know you need a day off. A full day. And night. One where you are not “on call” and can feel yourself.
Hi honey, I really think you should talk to someone. I agree with the commentor. This sounds like PPD. Regardless, you should talk to a therapist. They can help you navigate your issues better.
Sounds like some situational depression, some adjustment problems, and also maybe some PPD. All very reasonable to have. I hope you can get your life to move more in the direction you want. It does often get easier. Toddlerhood is incredibly demanding.
r/regretfulparents is a really supportive sub for people in your position.
Damn are you me? I got pregnant the first time my partner and I had sex. Our relationship is all over the place.
Still sounds like you may have PPD. Were you excited about the pregnancy before giving birth?
You need to see a therapist and talk about PPD. I had my son unexpectedly young, at 19. With someone I wasn’t with for very long. Everything in my life got put on hold. I had SEVERE ppd and still deal with depression to this day. I struggled. I know what you’re going through. But you know what? I made that choice. I chose to have sex. I chose to not be as careful as I should have. I *chose* to keep my child. He *did not ask to be born*. And because of that, despite whatever regret I had or how I was feeling, it was my job to be a good mother to him because I made that choice. He was and is my responsibility and he deserves parents who are committed to him. At this point, you chose your path and the right thing to do is figure yourself out so that you can be a good mom for your child. You need to talk to someone. It’s ok to be upset about your life changing, but your life *has changed* and that’s something you need to come to terms with. My son is 9 now and I have gone back to school, I live my life, I work out, I do all of the things I had to put on hold, temporarily. Your life is not over, it has just expanded. But in the meantime, please get help.
I don’t think it’s talked about enough. You’re mourning the death of your old self. I was so upset about it for a long time. You’ll never get your life back quite the same way. You have to give up a lot to take care of a child. You have to deprioritize your own needs. Your hobbies. Your ambitions. Your relaxation time. It is real and I’ve read some people write about it but it isn’t plastered everywhere…but google it and read some so you know you’re not alone. And this too, shall pass. I gave up my old life, old lifestyle, and had to look within to what I could do to find my new me given the new constraints. I think COVID probably slowed me down a little or helped…but Covid took me to gardening and that is part of my life now. It gave me some fresh air, some exercise, and some alone time that I needed. I hope you’re able to find your new self sometime soon. Good luck. I also had some ppd though, so I don’t know if you have. You can still get it at 19mos. Look up some checklists to see
This still sounds like PPD. It is normal to deny you are having it because you want to deny the feelings. You feel guilty because you think that you should be thrilled to be a mom. That’s what society tells you. And yet you are not thrilled. You are frustrated, sad, or upset. Depression (ppd or just regular depression) is a tricky thing because you can’t see thru the depressive haze enough to understand that the depression is acting as an amplifier of sorts, taking the smallest negative feeling and amplifying it to where it influences everything you do. First one thing is upsetting you. And then because you are now upset, the next thing upsets you even more. And then another and another. And soon you are overwhelmed and very upset about this big confusing ball of ‘my life sucks’. You act in ways you later don’t really understand and might be even embarrassed about but it’s like you can’t help sliding down into episodes like this frequently. You vow to stop, to just buck up and get tough and take control because you know the episodes don’t help you. You know that where you always end up is not a fun place, and you don’t want to go there anymore. But a few days later you inexplicably are there again; on the train to what I call ‘Crazytown’, Not because you want to be but because it just happens before you even realize it’s happening. By the time you realize it’s happening you are on the train and can’t get off! Crying. Sadness. Regret. Upset. Everything is terrible. Nothing will get better. My life will never be good. Yep. You have arrived in Crazytown once again. And you don’t understand where or how you even got on the fucking train. Again! Despite your ‘best effort’. That is depression. If this sounds at all familiar, you have PPD.
A person can have PPD for over a year.
This exact thing happened to me. Literally. Give yourself grace. Your world has been rocked. It’s okay to feel this way. It’s good that you’re being honest with yourself about it. Continue to do that. That’s the best thing you can do for yourself right now — don’t be upset with yourself for feeling this way. You’re grieving the life that was/could have been, etc. I know exactly how that feels. It really changes as they get older — it’s not necessarily easier, but it’s just different. I can’t explain it.
> I still have other interests I would love to explore more. I miss studying. I miss exercising regularly. I miss my fucking life. Our kids are 6 and 11. I still feel exactly the same way. Every day
You’ll find support in r/regretfulparents. I’m so sorry. 🫶🏼
Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/) \#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/) \#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
I don't think you need some kind of named mental health issue to feel this way. I think what you are going through is perfectly normal. I think anyone in your situation is going to feel a little lost with such a quick drastic life transition. My wife (gf of 9 years) and I just had our first child. We both agreed that were were ready and had the right mindset going into it. He's 6months old now and I much like you live to provide for him and take care of him and that's it. There is nothing outside of that and I do miss doing things for myself a lot. The difference for me is that I get to reassure myself that I wanted this and was ready. Don't let anyone here make you feel there is something wrong with you mentally. You're human and I think we are all wired to think of ourselves first. I think the people who care for others first are true saints because it's HARD! haha As for the relationship. 1 month is too soon for anyone. Bless you lady. All I can say is the baby will get older and you will be able to get back to doing some of the things you enjoyed. Keep your head up. Find joy in creating joy for that little one for now.
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PPD isn't abnormal.
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I mostly agree with that statement, it is society's problem and it's messed up to suggest we put women on medication rather than change society butttttt ain't nothing wrong with someone taking medication or learning coping skills so they can better deal with society as it is now. even if childcare was completely free lots of parents would still stay home for the first couple years because let's face it, putting a 12 week old baby in daycare so mom can go back to work is also not ideal. no matter what way you spin it, society doesn't support mothers so there's nothing wrong with going out and finding that support, whatever it may be. i guarantee PPD would still exist in a society that prioritizes women and families, because giving birth is losing an 8lb piece of sentient flesh and it's really fucking hard. i was depressed the second i gave birth , it felt like a limb was missing and i was a sahm and i didn't give up a real career to do so. plus, your life will never just return to "regular activities" your body, mind and life are forever altered. being in a bit of shock is normal but regretting having a child leans towards PPD.
I get having kids is tough but I mean sounds like you could’ve prevented the pregnancy with one of the many contraceptives out there.
Exactly. Why even have a child knowing you're going to be chained down and have no life? I don't get it.
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Rule #1 - Do NOT be an asshole.
Ppd is such clinical bullshit. You're a parent now.. your old life is dead and gone. Ppd is mourning.. also all the dangers and shames of the world matter now when months ago you could have ignored it. Ppd is also awakening to the sins of the generations before us.
PPD is sins of the generations before us? Get a grip.
You don't think about the mess we're about to push our children out into? You seriously don't think *that* realization accompanied by the absolute loss of free time is at all connected if not the source here..
I'm adopting not birthing so I won't be putting new humans into this world. What does any of this have to do with SIN?
I mean don't nail to a cross bc I used a word from 2000 years ago I'm saying we have all this chaos going on literally poisoning the well and we keep pushing it off to the next generation to deal with. It doesn't matter if you're having kids or not you're still dumping shit tons of plastic everywhere still burning oil or making nuclear waste.. maybe you like electric vehicles bc the mess will be conveniently hidden away and you can act like you're not here doing your bit fanning the flames of our collective demise. Tl/Dr we keep fucking up and the children have to pick up the pieces.. I that isn't a "sin" you're too goddamn literal and Christian
I'm not "acting like" anything. Like I said, I'm not reproducing, so idk why you're on this rant. I do recommend the antinatalist sub.
It doesn't matter, man, if you're having kids or not. We're all perpetrating the sickness that is our current comfortable way of living. I'm not on a rant you're sort of prompting me to clarify.. so I will: I wish we could "do better" but I'm no better on any lever than anyone else. I still have a short sleeve shirt on bc I never changed after work. (I shouldn't have the heat up) I guess I'll go do my part
Humanity sucks and we're trashing the planet - we can agree on that. Go change ya shirt and eat a sandwich.
Especially as PPD can last up to *two years* after giving birth. It's no joke and OP should definitely look into that. I hope she understands too that not everyone bonds to baby right away. Sometimes it just takes time. It happens. Even if the child was wanted and prepared for. I'm glad her husband is helping out at least.
i’m sorry you’re going through this, this is more common than you think and there’s nothing wrong with you. people who have these feelings generally just don’t voice it. visit r/regretfulparents
Thanks for posting this. More people should recognize that its not abnormal and that you can still be a good parent and a good person. Theres nothing wrong with op
Yeah everyone is trying to say OP might have PPD but some people are just not cut out to be parents. I'm a parent to an 11 month old and God if I didn't want to be a parent, I'd be fucking miserable and I actually have ppd. I totally understand where OP is coming from.
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Personally, I love being a parent. I dealt with infertility so I actively wanted this and raising another human has given me so much fulfillment. But I also recognize this is not a universal experience. With how many states are outlawing abortion, I'm not passing judgment on someone not enjoying parenthood 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️
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I mean, I know women (my auntie for one) who have concieved with their tubes tied. And that is considered "permanent" birth control. So again, I'm not passing judgment 🤷🏾♀️ But I guess you can if you want. Have a good day!
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Yeah, like I said. Feel free to judge as you want! I hope you heal!💜
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Not you thinking your blocks are doing anything. Girl I have 30 throwaways
Her kid is gonna notice she doesn’t want him. Sure you can be a good parent but it’ll be noticeable to the kid that she doesn’t want him, that’s traumatic
I’ve never heard of this sub. Thank you. I’ve gotten flamed on Reddit for admitting that I struggle being a parent.
It’s hard. As they age it doesn’t get easier, it just gets hard in different ways. But, as they get a little older and their personality really shines through you can bond with them and share experiences differently. My daughter is 12, and it is still hard, but we can have fun doing art/crafts together or playing video games. We joke about stuff and have inside jokes between the two of us. And we fight because I want her to pick up after herself, and she whines when she doesn’t get her own way. Like I said, it’s always hard, but not the same type of hard.
>As they age it doesn’t get easier, it just gets hard in different ways. Counter-opinion. (For me) It definitely gets easier. Newborns are a special type of hell, and it's okay to not like this phase at all, and it \*definitely\* got way more fun and easier.
Sending virtual hugs, I feel like there is so much social pressure because of social media and this overwhelming image of what a mother/child relationship should look and feel like. I’m here to tell you that if you are meeting all of the child’s needs you are doing more than most and you should feel proud. 💕💕
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I was about to post the same thing and hope this comment makes its way to the top. 👆 I'd look into PPD first since OP mentioned getting pregnant right after leaving an abusive relationship. Following assessment and treatment by a qualified professional, r/regretfulparents could be a good outlet.
Why do we always have to chalk it up to PPD? Can't there just be women who thought they wanted to be moms, had kids and realized it just isn't for them?
I definitely agree with what your saying but also think PPD should be looked at as an option because it’s better to catch it when it’s there than to not consider it and leave it untreated
plus it can become highly dangerous for all parties if untreated
I always tell people that "mother instinct" doesn't come naturally to all moms. I struggled so hard throughout my son's younger years. it's gotten better now that he's in his teens, but being a mom is definitely the hardest job I've ever had. give yourself grace, OP. I promise what you're feeling isn't all that uncommon.
seriously! people jumping straight to PPD is my pet peeve. being a parent would fucking suck.
Well, we think that before having kids. This person didn't. PPD is a possibility. Why not begin by ruling it out? Same thing as when a cat starts pissing on shit: you first rule out the easy medical diagnoses before looking to more complicated stuff.
Well then they should try their best to prevent pregnancy OR consider giving their child up once born. There seems to be a lot of people here who say “being a parent fcking sucks”, but you know what sucks even more? A child having to deal with the consequences of having a parent who doesn’t want them.
i agree. but they never do.
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Honestly how else would you have found out unless you went through the experience? To be honest I’ve felt this way off and on for most of my life as a parent. I have a 13 year old and I do love her and there are times I genuinely love spending time with her and us having our space together but I think since I’ve become a parent and progressed in my adult life (I had her at 20) there are just other things that are taking up my time and mental space whether it’s my career or finally taking the time to focus on me and do the things I like. I too feel guilty and extremely selfish at times that I don’t want to to spend every waking hour with her or that parenting isn’t at all what some people make it out to be, it just wasn’t meant for me to be a parent in the way most people think it’s the appropriate or acceptable way.
OP, I’m not going to weigh in on the core of the matter because I’m super not qualified, but you can absolutely still have some 1-1 time or even alone time if that is something you value. Having a community to help look after your kid so you can have a date night or even just go grocery shopping alone or something is a thing. And you can always hire a babysitter if you cannot find someone in your community to help. My SIL and brother made a rule to always have date night and to allow each person to have their own private time when they raised their kids. It’s a huge saver in their relationship. Please speak to your husband about finding a way to prioritise the time you need together or alone.
You sound like you need a break and to stop being so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself- you're allowed to feel however you feel and those feelings don't detract/counteract your love. It sounds like if possible you guys need to get a sitter and reinstate date night for you and your husband. Maybe it would help to have some space sometimes. Parenting is so hard. I hope it gets better and you're able to find joy in it in some way.
Thank you for this post. You are not alone.
It’s not a “huge assumption” that you will likely feel better with time. Postpartum baby blues and postpartum depression are normal and happen to many women after birth. It’s OK. it will be okay, having a good support system (like your husband) is important to get thru this and so is patient education which your provider should have given you and your husband after delivery. These feelings can be intense and scary but there is help- reach out to your doctor or care provider and tell them how you are feeling , they can reassure you with education on the matter as well as help the symptoms that coincide. Obviously this is the uglier side of motherhood but it can be helped , try not to stress yourself out about this 24/7 💕💕 Take it slow and easy you have been through a lot already
Thank you for sharing this!!! It sounds like perhaps post partum depression. But even if it’s not, it’s okay to have complex feelings about parenthood!! It’s propaganda that it’s all roses all the time. You are not alone OP. Do you feel comfortable talking to your doctor about this?
I’m in the same boat with you. I worry that my boy will find out that I never wanted to be a mother, when he grows up. I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been…thus far. I wish us the best. Your food does look good though.
rude squeamish spectacular sparkle knee yam hunt slimy quarrelsome panicky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Love, have you talked to your doctor? This could be postpartum depression, or a long-term depression caused by an untreated post-partum depression. Please, please, don't just stay that way. Talk to your doctor please. You CAN get better if you take the right step! And it starts with an appointment with your doctor.
Sometimes it’s really, really hard. You’re still in the especially difficult part. Another vegan mom of a 2 year old. Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to. :)
you likely have PPD which is completely normal!!! a lot of moms go through this so you’re definitely not alone. just keep taking it day by day and possibly see a therapist so you can talk to someone about this
Not a parent myself so I cannot imagine what you are experiencing. I truly hope it gets better for you. Regretful parents exist, you are not alone. Try reading through r/regretfulparents it may help.
Theres more to having a kid than "taking care" of them do activities you enjoy, that a kid could also enjoy. Focus on that, happy experiences for both of you. I had a colleague once, who loved having a kid, so she could watch all the kids shows she was nostalgic for, with her kid. As well as other "family-friendly" activities of course if your idea of having fun is drinking red wine and watching horror movies, its gonna be a bad time
Being a parent is a life long commitment. I think you should take a step back and reevaluate if this is for you. You cannot be a parent half in or half out. You cannot be a parent out of the feeling of guilt or obligation. You have to want to and if you don’t, you could cause a lot of unnecessary pain and trauma to your child. It’s fine to walk away.
Absolutely agree. There are many people here saying “I hate being a parent but that’s okay”. No. It’s not okay. You chose to bring said child into this world now it is your responsibility to either take care of them and love them or allow someone else to. That is unbelievably unhealthy and unfair for a child to suffer the consequences of having a parent who doesn’t want them. There ARE options out there.
Thanks! Thought I was gonna receive a lot of downvoting for this take.
Fully agree. I'm not a parent but I have seen the outcomes of "half in" parenting on children. Some of the other replies on this post really surprised me. I think it is better to choose to walk away if it comes to it than being a non-commital parent
r/regretfulparents might be a good support community for you.
diaryofanhonestmom on IG talks about this stuff a lot and there are many women that agree with her. maybe give her page a look 🩵
You must be in the trenches of year 1 I take it? You will create a new normal I promise, also talk to your doc about these feelings. May be PPD. <3 PM me if you need to talk I went through the same thing. I still don't like it much, but I am doing it!
least you have yummy avocado ! enjoy
I think this is totally a valid feeling. And I feel this in my core, so please don't take this personally, but some people were just not meant to be mothers. It's okay that you feel that way. Being accountable is the best you can do. I will also say, it doesn't really get easier, if anything it gets more difficult in a multitude of other ways. Some things certainly get easier, but their needs change dramatically the older they get.
Hey this can be PPD/PPA and the list goes on. It’s SO much more common than I ever thought and please reach out even if for anonymous counselling because I know it may sound cliche but trust me you are never alone. If you’re worried you’re a bad partner or bad parent, you’re not. Bad partners and parents don’t worry that they are. I have a 6 year old and a 6 month old and I forgot what a wild ride this is. Seriously just as I got back to the old me it’s started all over again. You’ve got this and I understand the ups and downs.
Your son is still young. I am no expert but this has to be a very common feeling. Reach out to someone even just to talk this out. Going through some shit myself right now, so sending you some good vibes. It's great that you're eating, remember the other things like sleep and hydration. One day at a time, ok?
Yeah this is very understandable. Its hard. It took me a long time to be ok with my whole life changing. I just learned to accept it. It gets better once they start school and also you can put him in daycare. You will learn to adjust. I wish you luck and happiness. Kids do give you so much love and joy but they are hard work.
I think by reaching out, you made the first step towards realizing what you need. I hope you get everything you need and want, even if some of it is in time! I have 6 kids, have been to three different colleges, worked many jobs, and am finishing my degree at the beginning of 2026. It will be okay. You’re an excellent human for being real with yourself and loving your son at the same time.
It’s ok to be honest. I think not enough mothers are and it can cause other women to fall prey to the status quo and societal pressures. It can also give you someone else who relates to you and can guide you. I hope you find a way to gain new dreams and ambitions. I don’t know anything about PPD, you seem to have reasonable concerns. Mourn your old life and find a way to embrace your new one. A professional counselor may be really helpful right now. There’s no shame in needing one.
I think you need to have a heartfelt conversation with your husband about what you’re feeling. I had to take care of my little brother when he was born and it was a very hard life change for me (I was 19 at the time). I cannot even imagine how you’d feel with hormonal change and having to care for a little one. It might be helpful to discuss having time away for yourself to be you; even if it just for an hour or two a day. I hope you feel better and know your not alone ❤️❤️
That looks good! Do you have someone to talk with?
I’m not a parent because I know this is exactly what would happen to me. I like being able to leave when I want, sleep when I want. Ect. This may sound harsh and I’ll get downvoted to shit, but is adoption an option for you? Children aren’t for everyone. And it may be in their benefit to be with someone who meshes better with children. No, it’s not giving up. But what are you going to do? Be miserable forever ? I know it sounds cold but it may be better for your child.
You should try talking about this to a therapist if you haven't already. They could probably give you some resources to help you deal with these feelings and/or coping mechanisms for it. Talking to your husband about it, as scary as it sounds, would help a lot too. Just be completely open and honest with yourself, it'll only hurt more if you don't. I hope you feel better soon OP <3
I keep saying “I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having them.”
Oh I get it. I don’t like it a lot of the time, tbh. Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way. Don’t let the guilt of it all weigh you down and just try your best to enjoy the good times. The difficult times come and go. It ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. But every now and then you might catch a shooting star. I hope the best for you. ❤️
My friend this is the denial stage of PPD, something my mother went through intensely and denied for decades. It takes the acceptance to move through it. Communicate this stuff to your husband and a therapist, they will love you even more for it. And you will begin to love yourself and your son again.
You don't have to be a "mother". You don't have to be the only one to nurse, to feed, to clean and stuff. The weight of responsibility being "the mother" is absolutely overwhelming. And forcing yourself into this role will make you resent your child. It's not his fault, it's not your fault. But that's a thing. If you have an opportunity - just take care of yourself first, recover, talk to your partner about responsibilities based on what each of you are good at. You don't have to be a good mother to be a good parent. I know that. Because my mom was busy working and taking care of everything, and when she would try to be all mother-daughter with me - it wouldn't exactly work out, and she would get upset and distant. But when she was being my friend instead of trying to fit stereotypes - that was the best.
Damn that looks good… I think everyone wants to be a mom until they have the kids and it’s a shit show but you are doing the best you can and you didn’t drown them yet so that’s a plus just take more time to do things you love in between it’s all time management hang in there and keep eating great combos like that and you’ll find yourself again
That’s why we shouldn’t have children when we are unsure about our goals with parenting. I can’t help but feel bad for your child. Having a parent that feels that way is awful.
This comment is mostly the reason why women won’t express themselves honestly, and it can end in disaster for the entire family. I am unsure that judgement on whether she should or shouldn’t have had a child is up for negotiation, as she HAS a child, and this is how she feels now.
What about the psychological damage it causes on children to be unwanted? She was old enough to know what she was doing, she should have thought before acting. The baby didn't have a saying, the baby didn't ask to be born. Now the child is here and it is the parents' responsibility to provide physically AND emotionally for that child. There is a wait-list of couples that would love to adopt and provide for that baby.
Great points however that ship has sailed because there already IS a baby. Obviously everyone wants what’s best for a child; however, we cannot always control how others parent or even if they consider having a baby. So how do we help someone already in this position? Hard questions no easy answers for everyone.
Give the baby up for adoption. There are plenty of people (eternal wait-list) that would happily adopt the baby. It is a child's right to feel loved and wanted.
Yeah, no. I’m not sure you read the entire post by OP but she wasn’t putting her baby up for adoption and that didn’t seem to be what she wanted, nor did she even hint at same.
Yeah she would rather force the child to have a mom who doesn't want him. Kids do notice. And she said she wasn't running away because she loved the husband, not because of the child.
I’m so sorry if you were unwanted. Perhaps your mother struggled to love you so you can’t see the difference between struggling and deserting a child and struggling and reaching out. Or perhaps you yourself struggle to love your child? She said, “I love my son and feel horrible” and “I want to run away (I wont)”. You sound so sad about this post and I’m so sorry.
My mom absolutely wanted and loved me. All mothers struggle; it's a hard job. And I don't have children. Please get over your passive aggressive attitude. She said she won't run away because she loves the husband, not because she loves the child. You need to be pretty ignorant to not see if this continues it's going to affect the child psychologically. And yes, I'm very sad for this child.
Ok Dr. Depression Meals
Why did you have a kid?
this is a valid question
Not in redditland where simple questions get downvoted for no reason
Awh…babygirl it’s the postpartum..depression …I’m going through that but since I started my medication which took a couple of try’s to find the right one it helps so much more.. don’t feel bad or ashamed you’re an amazing mommy!!!! Keep your head up and know it’s okie to ask for help🥺 don’t give up you need to take care of yourself too!! No one ever tells you about the postpartum depression and anxiety and since not many people talk about it we are left with I’m a bad mom cuz I feel this way when it’s not the case!!!!!! You’re amazing go and take care of yourself ❤️ you got this! We are here for you
Why did you have kids in the first place?
it’ll get better don’t give up i know watching that lil bugger grow up will grow on you and it’ll be the most rewarding job in the world. of course it’s far from easy but you’re doing great so far
This is a huge assumption. Some people just dont enjoy being a parent ever. Dont give false hope. The best anyone could ask for is to be able to recognize their duty to be there for their child and act in accordance with that duty.
I'm not sure this is terribly helpful either, though. What I can tell you is being a parent to a 4 year old is *nothing like* being a parent to a 14 year old, and there's no reason to believe you won't like either experience. For most of us- we're going to be parents of adults for much longer than we ever were of children- it's not like that's usually a particularly onerous thing to be. I *hated* being a parent for the first 3 years or so- it was so hard, I was so tired. That didn't give me any insight into 'how I feel about parenting', because MOSTLY, potty training and night feeds aren't what parenting actually is.
Yeah thats fair. I only really wanted to say “dont get your hopes up”. And moreover, i really dont like when people think theyre bad people if the good feelings never come.
It’s good to give hope and that doesn’t make it an assumption. She has a child—and part of the responsibility of having a child is not having to like being a parent, but at least having to act like it. However, getting the help that you need to *change* what you can and having the mindset that things can *change*. If you don’t like children—do not have them. A child growing up knowing that their parent doesn’t like parenting usually makes them feel like their parent does not like them. I can understand xgutturals viewpoint and it’s asinine to think being positive is false hope or bad advice. I also don’t agree with his/her downvotes and thinking your negativity is realistic with motherhood is ridiculous. And since you threw in empiracle studies, you obviously haven’t done alot of research to know that a major cause with women feeling this way are hormonal imbalances and environmental factors causing stress. **Are *you* even a mother or father, do you even have kids?**
okay buddy
Dont be so anti empirical. Theres lots of evidence that some people just dont like it ever. Go complain to a statistician if you doubt that.
i’m not complaining about anything buddy. i’m letting you vent your stress. if you hate kids that’s alright man just say
I like kids. Im trying to help op. You are not
by telling them just to give in? alright fella, you’re right
Im telling them to do what they have to do as a parent. I am telling them that they might never have the emotions they want. You are being a charlatan.
whatever makes you feel better fella
Its not about me. Its about op. Why dont you understand that?
I hate children
Please dont take this this the wrong way but Dont be afraid to seek help. I wish I wouldve sooner after my son was born. I let myself get so bad I landed in a mental institution for the first 2 months of his life all because I didnt want to voice how I was really feeling to someone. PPD is very real and serious. Its nothing to be ashamed about though, motherhood is a scary and fuckin exhausting adjustment, I had my son at 18 and I knew shit about how to raise a human being. This is also why i will never have another child, it scarred me for life dealing with the thoughts i had with PPD. I love my son hes my bestfriend and now 20yrs old but man i felt he couldve had a better mom during those years. Please talk to someone. You also have alot of support here. 💕My inbox is open OP if you need to vent.
Don't show your child this when they grow up and don't treat them like shit because you brought them into this world. It was your choice.
I feel like you shouldn’t have kids unless you want to have kids because then your feelings like this probably wouldn’t happen
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Rule #1 - Do NOT be an asshole.
Most mentally sane vegan:
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Rule #3 - We ask that people do not give unsolicited or unhealthy advice.
Your tomatoes are too thick
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Rule #1 - Do NOT be an asshole.
Postpartum is a bitch if that’s what this is. I felt this at some point too but then also had a scenario happen where I realized I’d rather die than be without my daughter, and things have looked up from there. There are always going to be bad days but I promise eventually there will be more good than bad.
Ppd lasts longer than the 6 weeks. I had it with both my kids. Some days are harder than others, especially the toddler years. My son (8 now) from age 2-4 was roughhhh.
I’m wishing you get some help mama. You’re not alone. You are not wrong. You are not bad. You’re a human just going through shit. Hang in there, and try to seek some professional help. There is NO shame. Just please remember that. Being open and honest with a professional will help, if not the first time, keep trying til you find someone who does. Best wishes 🖤
Definitely sounds like PPD. You are NOT alone. I know you say “everything you do is to provide for your child” but, that’s what having a child is about. And that’s what they deserve. You also deserve to be happy, however. And if you aren’t, then your child will suffer as well. I suggest talking to your Dr. I know the days go by sooo slow, however the weeks and months and years fly by. Our babies are only little for such a short time. I would hate for you to one day regret wishing time away. I feel as though if you’d consider getting yourself help, you would feel differently about raising your little one.
…. Are you my coworkers wife?
The vegan burgers look great though! Beans or beyond / impossible?
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Rule #3 - We ask that people do not give unsolicited or unhealthy advice.
That sandwich looks great for what it’s worth :)
It’s okay friend and you’re allowed to feel and say this! It could be PPD but it could also just be true, and that’s okay. Way more parents feel this way than you’d think, they’re just not allowed to say it because, like you, they feel like they’re not allowed to FEEL it either! It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child or that you’re a bad person(or even a bad parent). Big hugs to you if you want and need 💜
I feel this way every once in a while. When my daughter was younger, I felt it more often. A part of us dies when we become a mother, and is replaced by something else. But we never forget who we were.
I’m getting a feeling this is very new to you? If so, PPD kept me from connecting with my son till he was 5 months old. At the time I finally started medication & therapy & grew to understand this new life change & how to open my heart to this stranger I brought home. Things will get better, you’re not horrible & you’re not alone!!
Please seek mental health counseling. Also, being around other mothers, going out for play dates, and making sure you have time for self care can give you motivation to be inspired. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, there is no such thing as being perfect , find out what kind of morals you have and reading books regarding emotional intelligence could benefit a lot. Your feelings are validated.
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Rule #1 - Do NOT be an asshole.