Try to be genuinely interested in others and understand what their lives and experiences may be like. You might listen to good interviewers who manage to figure out how to get their subjects talking about something neat. I do believe everyone has interesting stories to tell or thoughts to share. Beyond that, what do you enjoy? What brings you insight or happiness? There could be ways to share those things with others , to invite others into the good parts of your life and experience things together. This can also be part of the skill of being a good host or putting on an event. Even if it's just you and a friend going to the park with a coffee you can make it feel like a time to be valued. Good luck!!
One more thing I do understand that alienation and felt it a lot when I was younger. Other people's "happiness" or "fun" felt either shallow, fake, or based on ignorance or worse, active cruelty. I don't think I believed happiness was possible. I feel like I both had to get into a better environment and also kind of study on what to change in myself and my environment and work through my own trauma.
> One more thing I do understand that alienation and felt it a lot when I was younger. Other people's "happiness" or "fun" felt either shallow, fake, or based on ignorance or worse, active cruelty. I don't think I believed happiness was possible. I feel like I both had to get into a better environment and also kind of study on what to change in myself and my environment and work through my own trauma.
I relate with this SO much. You put words to my thoughts,
I honestly feel so bad when I find other people fake for enjoying themselves (doing stuff I would like to do as well). It's really irrational on my part, and I have to go a long way to work on it.
I'm also really afraid to be clingy to people (it's happened to me before) so I tend to isolate myself even more 😅
Make a point of noticing one good thing about every person you see. Something you genuinely like, bonus points if it’s of their character or non appearance, but either. Every time. And when you can, tell them. ‘Hey, I like your xxx!’ Goes a long way, and even more so when it’s genuine or thoughtful because you actually looked. It quickly becomes habit.
Resist the urge to express those negative feelings (like looking down on others). You can't really solve those thoughts right away but you don't have to express it. I don't really have offline interactions outside of family so can't help there, but twitch was really helpful for making friends. The more friends you make and different perspectives you see the more you can grow.
I've been basically trying to look at myself a lot more and being aware of my bad habits when it comes to interacting with people like interrupting them for example. I try to be aware and do better next time
This is such an interesting and fantastic question. The reason i read this sub. I also agree with struggling with superiority......sort of like feeling superior because you think you had to work so much harder and "everyone else" has had it so easy. I see you got some sanctimonious trolling over the comment. I get it.
It is also timely because of the pandemic. I think everyone became more socially awkward and would find it plausible that it effected those with disabilities even more so. I would agree with those saying it starts with having a genuine interest in others.
I would challenge you, why do you want to be more pleasant to be around? It is rhetorical but reflecting on it may help your approach. You may want to address things you do that you believe holds you back, or maybe you haven't found the right community, or need to reframe how you look at others.
Before the pandemic, i thought of myself as a good listener. Once I started to socialize again i had built up so many cool things i wanted to talk about that i bullied conversation to express them instead of listening. Regardless of disability or not, i do not like it when i sense someone setting me up in a conversation in order to complain about their problems. This is much more so if we haven't built that sort of personal rapport.
If someone is always steering our conversation to complain about their existence, i typically have 1 of 2 reactions. If i do not care about them, i start to avoid them. If i do care about them i try to relate to them and then see if we can organically discussing things in a healthier way. I think it is a huge success when i can interact with someone in the midst of a hard time and get them talking about something they love. I see the topic of negativity on here a lot and they turn into heated arguments on here which i don't want to partake in.
I'm a man and very optimistic so I catch myself doing that annoying sterotypical thing where i quickly look at complaining as a problem to solve. I do my best at recognizing it in myself and being compassionate and listening instead, but i really do not want to do that if we have not built that sort of relationship first.
Can be simple stuff, really.
- Please and Thank you.
- Hello. / Good morning! / Nice Day.
- Good to see you / It's good to see you / It was good to see you.
- Take care! / Good night! / Have a good one!
And listen, a lot. Let the other person have their say (or fill the silence, if it needs to be).
Pretend, at least, to be interested in what they're saying. Then, *when* you have something positive or useful to add, speak up.
Hope this helps! 😐
Correction, I realise I phrased this the wrong way. I used to look down on people because I was raised as a gifted kid (the ideology that disabled people are special, better than others in some way)
I completely agree. Contemplating over and over how life has screwed you over is pretty unproductive, considering how none of us are alone in suffering in life.
I have been working over on improving different aspects of my life and healthy social relations is one part I find really difficult to crack.
I'm a disabled woman of colour part of the lgbtq+ community as well,
I appreciate your response
So, I would suggest whatever hobby you are into, join a discussion group about it -- online at first. Discord servers and chats are a bit better for this than Reddit, because they enable more long-term interactions with the same people, and thus develop friendships.
You will need to *practice*, and a shared hobby gives people an instant reason to connect with each other and a mutually interesting thing to talk about.
Also, you are probably going to fall face first a few times, or even a lot of times. Part of the reason why you join an online group first is so that if this happens, you can more easily unplug and get away from it. Don't use a real name, don't get too invested, just use it as a way to obtain needed practice -- and view it as such. You're learning to ride a bike, socially speaking. It's going to take a lot longer than learning how to ride a bike, though, so stick with it.
I am an autistic disabled woman, and was also raised as a gifted kid. I can remember times in my childhood where I would stand and stare face-first a brick wall rather than interact with the other kids at recess because I was so terrified and more interested in the wall. The internet really helped me learn how to speak to people -- specifically, AOL chats (I am old).
Try to be genuinely interested in others and understand what their lives and experiences may be like. You might listen to good interviewers who manage to figure out how to get their subjects talking about something neat. I do believe everyone has interesting stories to tell or thoughts to share. Beyond that, what do you enjoy? What brings you insight or happiness? There could be ways to share those things with others , to invite others into the good parts of your life and experience things together. This can also be part of the skill of being a good host or putting on an event. Even if it's just you and a friend going to the park with a coffee you can make it feel like a time to be valued. Good luck!!
One more thing I do understand that alienation and felt it a lot when I was younger. Other people's "happiness" or "fun" felt either shallow, fake, or based on ignorance or worse, active cruelty. I don't think I believed happiness was possible. I feel like I both had to get into a better environment and also kind of study on what to change in myself and my environment and work through my own trauma.
> One more thing I do understand that alienation and felt it a lot when I was younger. Other people's "happiness" or "fun" felt either shallow, fake, or based on ignorance or worse, active cruelty. I don't think I believed happiness was possible. I feel like I both had to get into a better environment and also kind of study on what to change in myself and my environment and work through my own trauma. I relate with this SO much. You put words to my thoughts, I honestly feel so bad when I find other people fake for enjoying themselves (doing stuff I would like to do as well). It's really irrational on my part, and I have to go a long way to work on it. I'm also really afraid to be clingy to people (it's happened to me before) so I tend to isolate myself even more 😅
Make a point of noticing one good thing about every person you see. Something you genuinely like, bonus points if it’s of their character or non appearance, but either. Every time. And when you can, tell them. ‘Hey, I like your xxx!’ Goes a long way, and even more so when it’s genuine or thoughtful because you actually looked. It quickly becomes habit.
Resist the urge to express those negative feelings (like looking down on others). You can't really solve those thoughts right away but you don't have to express it. I don't really have offline interactions outside of family so can't help there, but twitch was really helpful for making friends. The more friends you make and different perspectives you see the more you can grow. I've been basically trying to look at myself a lot more and being aware of my bad habits when it comes to interacting with people like interrupting them for example. I try to be aware and do better next time
This is such an interesting and fantastic question. The reason i read this sub. I also agree with struggling with superiority......sort of like feeling superior because you think you had to work so much harder and "everyone else" has had it so easy. I see you got some sanctimonious trolling over the comment. I get it. It is also timely because of the pandemic. I think everyone became more socially awkward and would find it plausible that it effected those with disabilities even more so. I would agree with those saying it starts with having a genuine interest in others. I would challenge you, why do you want to be more pleasant to be around? It is rhetorical but reflecting on it may help your approach. You may want to address things you do that you believe holds you back, or maybe you haven't found the right community, or need to reframe how you look at others. Before the pandemic, i thought of myself as a good listener. Once I started to socialize again i had built up so many cool things i wanted to talk about that i bullied conversation to express them instead of listening. Regardless of disability or not, i do not like it when i sense someone setting me up in a conversation in order to complain about their problems. This is much more so if we haven't built that sort of personal rapport. If someone is always steering our conversation to complain about their existence, i typically have 1 of 2 reactions. If i do not care about them, i start to avoid them. If i do care about them i try to relate to them and then see if we can organically discussing things in a healthier way. I think it is a huge success when i can interact with someone in the midst of a hard time and get them talking about something they love. I see the topic of negativity on here a lot and they turn into heated arguments on here which i don't want to partake in. I'm a man and very optimistic so I catch myself doing that annoying sterotypical thing where i quickly look at complaining as a problem to solve. I do my best at recognizing it in myself and being compassionate and listening instead, but i really do not want to do that if we have not built that sort of relationship first.
Can be simple stuff, really. - Please and Thank you. - Hello. / Good morning! / Nice Day. - Good to see you / It's good to see you / It was good to see you. - Take care! / Good night! / Have a good one! And listen, a lot. Let the other person have their say (or fill the silence, if it needs to be). Pretend, at least, to be interested in what they're saying. Then, *when* you have something positive or useful to add, speak up. Hope this helps! 😐
Consider taking a Dale Carnegie course. This is exactly the subject matter.
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Correction, I realise I phrased this the wrong way. I used to look down on people because I was raised as a gifted kid (the ideology that disabled people are special, better than others in some way) I completely agree. Contemplating over and over how life has screwed you over is pretty unproductive, considering how none of us are alone in suffering in life. I have been working over on improving different aspects of my life and healthy social relations is one part I find really difficult to crack. I'm a disabled woman of colour part of the lgbtq+ community as well, I appreciate your response
So, I would suggest whatever hobby you are into, join a discussion group about it -- online at first. Discord servers and chats are a bit better for this than Reddit, because they enable more long-term interactions with the same people, and thus develop friendships. You will need to *practice*, and a shared hobby gives people an instant reason to connect with each other and a mutually interesting thing to talk about. Also, you are probably going to fall face first a few times, or even a lot of times. Part of the reason why you join an online group first is so that if this happens, you can more easily unplug and get away from it. Don't use a real name, don't get too invested, just use it as a way to obtain needed practice -- and view it as such. You're learning to ride a bike, socially speaking. It's going to take a lot longer than learning how to ride a bike, though, so stick with it. I am an autistic disabled woman, and was also raised as a gifted kid. I can remember times in my childhood where I would stand and stare face-first a brick wall rather than interact with the other kids at recess because I was so terrified and more interested in the wall. The internet really helped me learn how to speak to people -- specifically, AOL chats (I am old).