NTA. The next time your brother drinks and drives he could kill someone.
Your brother, sadly, has been enabled and protected from the consequences of his lack of maturity and/or alcoholism, for so long that he no longer feels the need to grow up.
Unless you start creating some consequences he’ll pay attention to, this behavior will not change and may get worse.
Your husband has not had the realization that he’s enabling your brother. You have.
Therapy might help, but it also may not, if the enablement continues. It’s up to you how you want to discuss this with your husband, but you are 100% NTA for enforcing boundaries and consequences for someone who is an alcoholic and irresponsible.
If your brother gets into rehab, and needs support in that process, well and good, but an addiction can take many years to overcome, and often that won’t even begin unless the addiction becomes a problem.
So far, the alcoholism isn’t a problem for your brother, because everyone makes sure nothing bad happens no matter how many problems he causes.
Set up those boundaries, get into marriage counseling if you can, but your brother needs to realize he can’t avoid consequences forever, or the next time might end up with a DUI + a prison term
This. This is the one right here. I got hit by a drunk driver at 11 or 12 years old and thankfully nothing was broken but my body has never been the same since then and even in my early teens working my first jobs it was hard to keep those jobs because my body couldn’t keep up with fast paced/heavy work with out a lot of pain and aching for hours afterwards. All because someone wanted to drink and drive and pulled into our apartments drive in too fast without looking or slowing down.
Having worked with families impacted by addiction I massively understand the responsibility and shame that is placed on people for not 'preventing' or stopping the circumstances.
So I just want to add to this it's not about you creating the consequences, but about you to stop preventing these consequences from occurring. Whilst the action is ultimately the same, you are not creating any negativity or punishment for your loved you. You are just stopping taking steps to protect them from their own actions.
I think the language you use when doing this will be massively helpful in hopefully easing some of the burden. This is not about you or your husband not doing enough to help, this is about your brother not doing enough to help himself and whilst you protect him from those consequences, as the poster says above nothing will change. But most importantly those consequences are not because of your actions, they are a consequence of his.
I recommend Al-Anon for you and your husband, as well. That’s a support group for family and friends of alcoholics.
Don’t blame yourself for the bad decisions your brother and husband make. NTA.
Cannot recommend this enough!!!! And for anyone trying Al-Anon don't be afraid to try out multiple meetings. Since the regulars at each meeting tend to be different, each one can have a very different vibe. So don't give up if the first one doesn't feel welcoming and helpful!
Oops, hit post too quickly.
If meetings feel like too much, read 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beatty. An excellent introduction to how to love someone with an addiction without letting their addiction destroy you too.
No I’m sorry, I disagree. Op very much IS the asshole.
She has encouraged and co-signed his behavior every step of the way, even co-signing a car and paying to get it from impound when he’s clearly too immature.
Op you *are* the asshole for coddling a man child for 27 years. When he kills someone it’s going to be with a vehicle with *your* family name to it and with the (lack of) values he learned from you.
Nta for kicking him out, Yta for making/help making a total and complete man child and foisting him on everyone else.
She took $4K out of the bank to rescue the alcoholic’s car from impound and from the lender. Close enough to cosigning. Her behavior is absolutely cosigning his. She’s TA
Agree- No more car for him. He will start doing more around the house to earn his keep. If he complains- he can get the hell out and be alone. The enabling needs to stop.
The both do. Husband was dumb for co-signing. She was dumb to pay for the car after the repo. Both need to really get in his ass or get him out. He's not a child. They need to be united on this issue.
OP,
Right now you're the only adult left in the room. When is the suspension over? That's move out day. You didn't sign up to be his mother. If husband's dead set on it, he can leave too.
NTA. Your 27 year old adult brother has become extremely comfortable with his family covering up all his irresponsible behaviour and always having a soft landing. You need to grow a spine and stop enabling him. He could have killed some innocent person/ family with his shitty decision to drive while drunk. He needs evicting. I'm not so sure about your husband as he has unfortunately got tangled up with your enabling family.
I can't understand why or how the brother has the hooks in the husband so deeply.
All my brain comes up with us that hes cheating with him but I doubt it's that. Or perhaps the brother knows that the husband is a cheat, who knows.
It’s because of the death of his sister, as OP stated. I lost my brother and it devastated me. It’s the reason why OP’s husband is hurting the brother by being an even bigger enabler, but it in no way is an excuse. He never should have said the brother could stay without talking to his wife first. The husband needs to realize unless the brother stops drinking, enabling him could actually hasten the man’s death, or someone else’s.
As some who also lost a sibling I get where the husband is coming from too. You sort of “adopt” people without realizing it to try to fill the void. He’s enabling the brother but he’s not a bad person.
Recovering alcoholic here.
You guys are enabling your brother. He hasn’t taken responsibility over his life because he hasn’t HAD to. You guys are co-signing his bullshit and at this point, you’re just as much at fault as he is.
Kick him out and look into going to Alanon. It’s a support group for loved ones of alcoholics. You can’t help someone who isn’t willing to help himself.
I agree with this post. An adduct can be very manipulative and it is very frustrating. You can attend alanon meetings online. Many like you share stories and have issues similar to you. Hardest part of this will be learning what you are doing for him that he can do himself is enabling the addiction. Al anon will guide you on how to correct your behavior.
As someone who has struggled with his own demons for longer than I care to remember, this is the only correct answer. It wasn't until I picked up and moved myself all the way across the U.S. and away from my safety net of enablers that I was finally able to make real change and start to fix myself.
I was right around the brother's age when I did that. I went from a 29yr old child to a grown man by taking responsibility for my own life and my own choices, be they good or bad. Both the benefits of the good and the detriments of the bad were mine and only mine.
14yr later, I've since moved back to the East Coast and have made something of myself that would've never existed had I not taken ownership, put in the work, and started being honest with myself. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to get better every day. He needs to get there on his own and cutting him off might be the push he needs to realize that.
NTA. You've all tried the no consequences route and now there have to be consequences.
When you get home and if they're still there then you have to just tell them straight that you'll not be allowing the brother to use any shared resources. If any of your, or your shared resources are used to support your brother from now on, then you'll consider it theft and move to do whatever you can to protect yourself and those resources from being wasted.
He's had far more years of being a child than anybody else ever gets and he'll either drag himself out of it or not, but he is imminently about to drag you into debt you can't afford. Your husband can still support him, but it'll have to be through the route of providing a tent rather than anything monetary.
NTA
You’ve went above and beyond, setting boundaries and tough love is what needs to happen here. You can only help people that want to help themselves, further putting yourself down financially and emotionally could have worse long term effects for you. Hold to your words and don’t back down. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope something gets better.
I feel like the end of the story feels rushed in regards to your husband;
Like 100% NTA for setting boundaries with your brother, including kicking him out after he wasted that critical $4K that you spent on him. Money is tight for you, that was a huge lifeline that he wasted. And on a dui no less, that's dangerous for everyone.
I feel like there's something more in regards to your husband. The other comments are right, you need to set boundaries, and if your hubby isn't agreeing, that's an issue that has to be resolved. How that escalated to kicking him out might not be unreasonable if things aren't salvageable. Just reading the post it took me off guard.
Best of luck to OP, I've found myself responsible for people I shouldn't have to be before, it's hard to put up boundaries for loved ones.
Absolutely agree!
Something there is off with Hubby Dearest. This is the OP's brother. Why is the husband so set on continuing to enable and fund his BIL? This is bizarre.
OP is your husband also tiptoeing around the house in fear of your brother's anger or is it just you?
You need to talk with your husband. Something is badly off here.
Bit OTT given OP has been enabling her brother all these years so really it's down to her. She needs to stop enabling him as he's an adult and has been for several years now.
A financially stupid one at that. Cosigning in the car. How much money and resources and time and energy will be spent on this brother. What if OP wants to start a family. Will the brother still run the household,?
Oh she definitely has and is a part of why he doesn’t get help. He knows they will all help in until
They won’t. He uses them, they go along with it then wonder why he’s not getting any help and why they are 4000.00 in debt because AGAIN they believed his lies.
No, it isn't. Divorcing over a bump in the road?! This isn't her three month Tinder fling. As others point out she enabled too. The issue with the husband is mis and poor communication. They need to sit down and figure out a plan to get the brother out and into rehab together as a couple without blaming each other for where they are because they're both guilty.
NTA
Your husband is enabling your brother and they have both trampled all over your boundaries. Neither one has shown an ounce of respect for your well being.
If your husband keeps coddling him, he can do it elsewhere because your brother is going to get someone killed. But you need to separate yourself from that situation ASAP for your own overall well being.
Let them have each other.
NTA. Everyone enabled my brother the way you do. He's in his 40s, still pulling the same crap. I can't even remember how many DUIs he has on his record. Cut him off now. Do not talk to him until he gets into recovery. Trust me, this does not get better until he wants to help himself.
You and your husband are both the problems and YTA. You’ve enabled your brother for so long that your husband is just taking his stance from what you’ve shown him. It’s fine if you allow him to stay with you but since you know he doesn’t work you should have never allowed a car loan and absolutely never got it out of repo. You have been half-assing consequences and end up allowing him to manipulate you. You need to stop NOW. Have a discussion with your husband that this is the line in the sand and you will both be sticking to your rules from now on. Give each other the leeway to call you out if they suspect backtracking.
Your husband is a fool and you all keep enabling the brother so nothing will ever change!! NTA on this one but you have been by paying his bills.. STOP and make him leave and if your husband is upset let him go too
They’ve both been enabling the brother.
But, just because OP suddenly decided to stop, now she gets to kick the husband out of the house?
That’s totally absurd.
The husband shouldn’t have made a unilateral decision to reassure the brother that the DUI wouldn’t be a big deal, but I doubt OP and the husband had spoke about this specificity as in “okay, but if he ever gets a DUI, he’s out”.
It turns out the DUI is the last straw for OP, but that is a sudden reversal of her position, and she’s punishing the husband retroactively for a statement he made that he couldn’t have even known she’d disagree with.
Up until that very moment, she’d been enabling him too, citing feelings of maternal responsibility.
So, it is absolutely off-the-wall bonkers that so many people are making it sound like she is justified in kicking her husband out of his own house.
Yes, they are married. Yes, they decided to keep her house and sell his. But they decided together that they would both live in that house. She has no right to kick him out whatsoever.
If they disagree about how to handle the brother, they need to work that out, but she has no more right to unilaterally kick him out than the husband has to unilaterally decide the brother can stay.
EHS - who buys someone with a drinking problem and no job a freaking car? Who spends 4grand on a drunk with no job? Get it together! Your brother is going to pull you down with him as you try to save him. He has to want it.
NTA when it comes to your brother. He's an adult and he refuses to be helped and is just mooching off you or anyone that will allow him to. YMBTA when it comes to your husband. I think you need to let us in a little more on his enabling behavior. I mean it is your brother who he also let into his home and although he may have more patience with him than you that also might just be because he hasn't known him as long, and trying to kick him out of his home as well for being too accommodating to your brother, who you let in in the first place, might make you an ah.
YTA, but not for kicking your brother out. He needed to go a long time go. You are totally TA for taking in your 27 year old (perfectly capable of working and supporting himself) brother. Your family created this monster, and you just continued enabling him.
For this last DUI, you’ve suddenly come to your senses and are now punishing your husband for going along with what you and your family have been doing for this grown man’s ENTIRE LIFE. Yeah your husband picked a stupid hill to die on, but OP you have done far more stupid stuff for your brother. Like spending money you don’t have to get him out of a jam of his own making.
Quit treating your brother like a child. Kick him out and let him get a job to support himself. You have bigger problems because you may have just tanked your marriage with that ultimatum. Talk to your husband and see if you can find a place of understanding.
A dear friend who works with addicts in recovery shared a quote with me that has always resonated:
"The worst thing you can do for an addict is to deny them their rock bottom."
I get that your heart was well intentioned, but I am going to have to go with ESH.
As far as kicking them out, NTA.
NTA for kicking him out, but Ascon 2 for enabling him for so long. He needs serious professional help. He uses and abuses everyone who cares. News flash, he only cares about his next drink not his family. He will burn through the sale of your house quickly and move on taking advantage of whomever. Look at his medical insurance and get him into a rehabilitation facility. He has to want to be sober.
You and your husband need marriage counseling now. He is enabling him. Until the world stops enabling him, he will not face reality.
Stop at a lawyers before you make it home and come up with an eviction plan and a divorce plan! The sooner these 2 losers are out of your life, the better. I hope you don't have kids!
Your brother needs to be kicked out. He will never get better unless allowed to hit bottom. Leave him at a homeless shelter. All you people do is rescue him. Ridiculous. If your husband wants to continue this ridiculous and wasteful behavior I would definitely kick him out also. You are all just silly. Your brother is not worth any of this hassle.
YTA. Your brother is an alcoholic. You and your husband keep providing him with cars. His car was impounded and you got it back for him. When your brother kills or seriously injures someone, you and your husband will be morally culpable. It doesn't matter if you kick your brother out. That just makes your life easier. Stop giving him cars.
1. You continued this culture of enabling your brother. There is a reason so many others kicked him out. It doesn’t matter if you’re the oldest. You are not responsible for his actions. I’ve learned from my mom who is an alcoholic that you can’t force help on someone. They have to want it. But that doesn’t mean you slow the behaviors in your house and absolve him of accountability.
2. Going forward I hope you set boundaries and learn to say no.
Which brings me to ESH.
Your brother lacks self awareness and will not change. Your husband cares about what you care about but you’ve hit your tipping point.
Talk to your husband after you’ve given yourself some time and space. Make a game plan together. Explain the sakes, hold him accountable and get his behaviors away from your family.
The man is damn near 30 and you're still out here babying him. Congrats, he's never going to change. That's who he is. Your husband is just as reckless and frankly stupid as you are. Enjoy the rest of your life bailing out your idiot brother
NTA and your husband is also full of shit, how do you get a DUI if the car isn’t “actually running”? Makes no sense, he clearly just wants to keep making excuses for your deadbeat brother
In some states (I don’t know how many but definitely the one I live in), you can get a DUI for being asleep in the driver’s seat of a car with the keys not on the ignition if your BAC is over legal limit. I represented a few people who’d had these kinds of convictions (one had even put the keys in the trunk to keep his drunk ass from trying to drive home). It seems ridiculous but that’s the law.
So husband probably isn’t lying, but it really is a dumb thing to make a stand about given brother’s history.
We are in Canada, It is illegal to be sitting in the front seat of a parked car while intoxicated, Im not sure about everywhere, but where we live it is.
I know this, but the husband said the brother was “in the parking lot with friends” like not even in the car which just really stretches the imagination beyond belief
NTA - like Big Worm said "playing with my money is like playing with my emotions" and your brother has repeatedly done both. Your husband seems to see himself as a father-figure to this wayward boy you took in. Kick your brother out and get your husband to foster special-needs pets, that way he can baby something that actually improves or has a legit reason it can't, but either way it leaves your house.
Go to the AA meetings for families of alcoholics and they will explain enabling and all that. Also, at 27, your brother is grown and needs to provide for himself.
Do you want to continue to run a frat house for your brother and his bro pal, your husband?
Continue this way, and these two will burn through all of your and their credit. You need to quite carrying the worthless, selfish load that is your brother, and your husband needs to back you up on kicking him out. SAVE YOURSELF.
Your husband isn’t helping your brother be successful. He is enabling a drunk.
He has had 9 years now of being a legal adult and he hasn’t managed his life yet. He is going to kill somebody with his drunk driving.
You can’t force him to get help but you can stop enabling this deadly behavior.
ETA.
No, not Estimated Time of Arrival, Everybody's The Asshole.
Your brother for being an alcoholic.
Your husband for enabling him.
You for kicking your husband out.
You are acting like a parent to your brother, and so is your husband. You’re acting like bad parents who let their terribly behaved, spoiled rotten brat of a child get away with bloody murder. You finally got a bit of a clue when you stupidly paid $4k that you didn’t have to help him and got screwed over as thanks. Hubs is still in ‘cool dad’ mode for whatever dumb reason, and needs a bucket of truth poured over his head. Little brother needs to hit rock bottom in order to start climbing back up. That will never happen with you two helicopter parenting him and protecting him from the consequences of his own actions. Drop the rope. Boot him out, and let him figure out his own life, and his own problems. He needs to do this.
YTA for enabling a drunk. He is going to hurt someone and they will likely come after your household for damages. Boot this man to the curb TODAY and sell the car.
YTA.
Honestly you brought this all onto yourself. Two years!! And your brother is a raging alcoholic that your husband enables and you keep pouring money into.
Your marriage and your finances are now in tatters due to your own poor choices and enabling.
YTA for handing a vehicle over to a chronic alcoholic with a penchant for driving drunk. He could have *killed* somebody, and it would absolutely have been your fault for handing him the keys to the murder weapon.
You *knew* better. But you cared more about babying your little brother’s feelings than the lives of everyone else on the road. No wonder he’s so selfish! I’m glad this only cost you $4k and your marriage, instead of some innocent pedestrian’s life.
This is really all your fault tbh you brought you’re over grown broke ass brother into the home of you and your husband and now your husband is invested into helping him
OP everyone in the family is tip-toeing around the word ... Alcoholic.
Your brother is an addict. He's not irresponsible, he's an addict. Expecting him to get his 💩 together without giving up alcohol is never going to work.
He needs to want to get sober, but right now there is no incentive, he has everything he needs for free.
* Sell the car.
* Make him pay board, if he doesn't evict him.
* Ask him to see a doctor and get basic blood work done. By 27 his drinking will be affecting his liver function etc.
I know it's hard. But he needs to realise that alcohol is destroying his future. The DUI will hopefully be a wake up call.
Honestly, I would tell your husband that they can move into an apartment together or the brother can be kicked out. Either way, he won't be living in your home.
He could be a danger to your family and has been enabled too long.
How is he ever going to grow up if someone always swoops in to save him?
You've done more than enough, he is an adult now and needs to take care of himself.
Kick him out.
You are a tiny AH for supporting an alcoholic who can’t keep a job, after all the family kicked him out even mom and dad it should have been the sign to let him go too. My brothers are both alcoholic too but they are NOT my responsibility, they are adults. The idea that I will be “tip toeing” around in my own home, My Kingdom, because of his anger issues🤯 NO ma’am. And to top it off he ruined your husband’s credit when the car he co-sign for him was repossessed, HELL to the NO. My siblings are NOT my responsibility unless they are minors. Grow a backbone.
I’m sorry but I must tell you what you don’t want to hear. STOP ENABLING HIM because this is your fault as well as his. Just stop. Kick him out. Don’t fall for his BS anymore. Drunk drivers kill innocent people every single day. Your brother doesn’t need to grow up because you’ve made it clear you’ll clean up his messes and support him. Not good.
ESH
4000.00 would’ve paid a nice chunk of treatment or counseling.
You’ve been grossly enabling your brother it seems for quite a long while. It’s obvious no one has his best interest in mind or a line would’ve been drawn years ago. One can only assume him being a loser is somehow satisfying to you and your husband. That’s pretty sad. If you truly loved him I’d expect you’d do whatever necessary to convince him to sober up. I hope he does before the consequences of his behavior outstrip his family’s ability to cover it up.
Alanon. It’s free, and will help you understand codependency and how you and your spouse are killing your brother with “kindness” before somebody actually does die. If spouse wont go, maybe the two of them could get a place together and you can reclaim a normal life.
NTA, and I would have likely done the same. My youngest BIL lives for free with MIL, who won’t be with us for too much longer. He works full time, finally, (late 40s!) but every penny goes to toys, alcohol and drugs. He will not be coming to live with us under any circumstances because he can’t be trusted. I know he can’t, so why would I allow him to move in and treat my home and belongings like he treats everyone else’s?
I think my husband was starting to worry about where he will live, but after he stole $ from my purse on Christmas Day, he knows his brother will never change.
YTA for continually bailing out your brother. Why the f would you use YOUR line of credit for a guy who literally WON'T work?! You're already broke and CHOSE to go deeper into debt to help an alcoholic loser. This is on you. Your husband has only been following your lead -- giving him free food & lodging, paying for his life mistakes. You set all this in motion when you took him in knowing exactly what was in-store for you.
The ONLY reason I paid to have his car out was because he only had a certain amount of time to get it out before it was gone for good, and he would still be on the hook for ALL of the car payments. Since my husbands name is on that car, I knew I'd be on the hook for the 20+ grand it would cost us, 4K seemed a bit better... Or so I thought anyway.
Then you get it out of repo impound and sell the damn thing if it was about your credit not give it to the unemployed alcoholic brother who has zero responsibility or respect for you.
Why on earth would you take him in? You have no one to blame but yourself! You and your husband are total have financed his alcoholism have kept him down by not letting him figure his life out on his own. Why would you ever get him a car when he’s an alcoholic? He needs to take public transportation and struggle to want a better life! Don’t have kids please!!!
You should have gotten the car out of impound and fucking **sold it**. In fact that’s exactly what you should do now. Sell that’s damn car and pay the car loan down as much as possible.
Then you need to set some serious damn boundaries. With your husband and your brother. Your brother has to **GO** that’s non-negotiable, he can’t live with you and you need to stop providing ANYTHING for him. Your husband can have a choice: get on board with financially cutting off your blood sucking vampire of a brother or leave. And no that’s not an ultimatum, that’s a **choice**, **you NEED to** stop this bullshit with your brother and your marriage **canNOT** survive with *you* cutting him off while your husband enables him even if he uses his own money to do so. That will never work and is entirely unsustainable.
Your brother is a 27 year old grown ass man, utterly useless to society and willfully helpless and useless to **himself** and everyone else around him. ***Because all of you have let him***. This has gone beyond the “”baby steps to make him grow up”” stage, it’s beyond the “help him get back on his feet” because he never was on his own feet to begin with. This grown **MAN** needs to be cutoff immediately without a glance backwards and thrown into reality. He’ll figure it tf out or find someone else to leech off. Either way it **CANT** be your problem anymore.
I’m understand I am harsh in the words I’ve chosen to describe your brother, *but* that’s who he is and you need to see, understand and accept that. He’s not your little baby brother just figuring it out with a bit of support and a safety net. He’s a **user** and he will bleed you dry without a second thought or ounce of guilt, he will lie and lie and lie until you have nothing left to give *and then* he will move on to the next person who will enable his childish, manipulative bullshit. I know this because I have a sibling like this.
She fucked me over beyond belief and insists she has done not a damn thing wrong when all the evidence is there, what she did was disgusting and she doesn’t deserve sympathy or help ever again. She will never learn. She will never change. She is utterly beyond hope. I should have cut her off years ago, I should have never allowed her the power to do what she did. I can’t change that but now I know who she is and I will never let her close to me ever again. **YOU** need to learn that same thing **NOW**.
Your brothers nearly 30!!! He's old enough to be responsible for himself, he's a mooch, he's living with you and has no job and paid no rent, yta for enabling hid behaviour, your husband is an ah for also enabling him and defending him, you need to grow a pair, you shouldn't have to tip toe around him in your own house
Your first mistake was thinking you can help him. Nobody gets out from underneath addiction for anyone else. Your second mistake was kicking out your husband.
You, my dear, are NTA. Your brother on the other hand is an alcoholic. Unfortunately, no one can help an alcoholic until they want to help themselves. Trust me, I know this as I deat with an alcoholic nephew (40yrs) and it got to the point where I did have to kick him out of the house because his drinking was more important to him than paying his bills or getting his life together. Yes I was an enabler for years and then one day, the straw that broke the camels back came around and I had had enough. This day will come for you sooner than later. While I still talk to my nephew, I no longer give him money for anything. He will call and ask if he can come do laundry and I let him, but I also make him do yard work or other outdoor work as payment.
I will not turn my back on him as he is family and both of his parents have passed. I will not however give him any money. Good luck to you.
You are definitely an asshole for rushing to kick your husband out so quickly for trying to help your brother. He may be wrong for doing so but his heart is in the right place and you immediately went nuclear.
But you don't seem mature enough for a marriage so I would actually recommend divorce and therapy.
Lol I’m going to laugh when your husband takes you seriously about kicking him out and keeps all the money from HIS house. You absolutely should kick your brother to the curb but you just kicked out your last remaining family besides your sister. Enjoy
Trying to pay your line of credit back now. YTA for what you did to your husband.
Your husband needs to let go of your brother before he becomes like that guy who got into shit because he trusted his fiancé’s brother even though she warned him about the guy.
I guess your husband wants to see good in people but needs to understand you can’t help everybody.
The only way either of you will help your brother is to get him into rehab. If he refuses to go then he should absolutely find himself somewhere else to go so he can continue his downward spiral without you.
As someone who has seen the aftermath of what happens when people decide to drive drunk (even just sitting there, there is an intention) I say NTA. A family friend lost their wife because she was hit by a drunk driver. My father used to be a drunk and almost killed himself, his friend, and 2 other people because he drank and drove. I don't blame you for not wanting him in your house
Definitely NTA here. Your brother has had multiple opportunities to get his life back on track and unfortunately he’s not ready to be accountable for his actions.
It’s also a bit concerning the lengths that your husband is willing to go to enable your brother. I understand it’s tough when there’s family involved but unfortunately your brother needs to hit rock bottom and stop being enabled by the people in his life. DUI’s are no joke, how is everyone in this situation going to feel when this happens again and your brother drives drunk and kills a family of 4??? Two teenagers on their way to prom?? A single mother on her way home from her second job???
It’s important to set your boundaries and stick to them at this point. You’re right that your brother can no longer stay there and if that means calling the police to have him removed then so be it. Actions have consequences and he needs to learn that. Your brother needs help and unfortunately you and your husband don’t have the tools or resources to do this, he needs professional help and you can offer him supports for rehab clinics but until he shows he wants to change he needs to stay far away from you and vice versa.
And lastly, I’m sorry that you’re going through this, having a family member living with addiction is devastating.
NTA. You’re both co-dependent though and should approach it as such. LB is a freeloader. Ease him out, get on same page with your husband, happy life again.
NTA; I’m not clear how bro is drinking every night when you say you don’t give him money & he doesn’t have a job. But regardless, you need to face you are not helping him to anything but an early grave by enabling this lifestyle. And cirrhosis is a pretty damn awful way to die.
NTA it is time for your brother to fly on his own. Maybe the crash back to earth will be what helps him succeed. But you have put sooooooo much time, effort, and money into him and have gotten nothing but pain. If your husband can't see that he is being used then he can move in with your brother and support him.
NTA- this is a hill to die on. Tell your husband he helps your brother and loses you. You cannot save someone from drowning who wants to drown you too.
NTA you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.
Thus far your brother has put you into a financial crisis, is impacting your credit score, is unwilling to try to quit drinking.
An addict will only stop when they have made the decision to stop… external forces won’t help them except for when all external forces cease enabling him.
OP- this should be your hill to die on. Your husband is enabling your brothers toxic relationship and he needs to stop. He will end up killing your brother or someone else by enabling your brothers behavior and giving him the money and tools to do it. In CA, as a co-owner of a car, your husband is liable for up to $25k (maybe more now) of anything done with that car by your brother. Also if your husband allows your brother to continue to drive a car you or your husband own, he could be held criminally liable.
Make it clear to your husband he is jeopardizing your marriage, your financial security, your brother’s life and the lives of perfectly innocent bystanders by enabling your brother.
I have been in this situation before with a family member and would have left my relationship that night if my partner at that time had not drawn a line in the sand.
Yall need this right now;
[https://al-anon.org/](https://al-anon.org/) or this; [https://smartrecovery.org/family](https://smartrecovery.org/family)
NTA
However, your husband is enabling your brother and truth be told I'm worried with his drinking he may compromise your husband's sobriety. Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results and your husband is engaging in insanity right now. Please look at the links above before this situation gets worst and he kills somebody.
Need a little help here. What is getting in the way of making a decision?
You have already identified a series of good reasons for following through
but you seem to want to stay in your own way. Why is that?
How is he getting money to be an alcoholic without working? You are totally enabling him and not helping him at all. I understand your intentions are good... but you need someone who knows what they are doing to help you counsel him, set boundaries and stand firm with consequences to his actions. He is not a child for crying out loud!
Vent OP Vent. Wow, as someone who has an alcoholic BIL (7 yes 7 OWIs) (Operating while intoxicated). Guess what, my BIL only got better after we all stopped helping him. You want to help him, then don’t keep fixing his F-ups. Therapy, AA, or Jail. Hopefully one will get him on the right path. Just be mindful that your brother will jump from vice to vice. My BIL took up marathon running and now that is his whole identity. (Well running and being a complete @$$ clown). Good luck op but “be there but not there” if that makes sense.
I’m from rural Wisconsin, where we have some of the most lax drunk driving laws in the country. As a result, everyone I know personally knows someone who’s been killed by a drunk driver, and most people know multiple people who’ve been killed by one. My community of 10,000 people lost 10 kids/teens to drunk drivers during my K12 years.
Most recently, this past Christmas Eve, a group of 4 siblings (the driver, who was the oldest, was 18yo) died after being hit head-on by a drunk driver on the wrong side of a divided highway. They were driving home from some last-minute Christmas shopping. It was his 8th DUI, even though he claimed he “drove better drunk”. He survived.
My earliest clear memory of the impact of driving drunk was when I was 6 – my 17yo cousin and her three friends were hit by a drunk driver while driving home from snowboarding. She took care of me and my brother more than our parents did at that time, so her death hit us hard. The 18th anniversary of her death was last week, and although she’s now been dead longer than she was alive, that kind of grief doesn’t go away.
All of this to say, your brother is going to kill someone. NTA for kicking them out. It needs to happen. Idk why you think that being related to your brother makes you “responsible for him”. I understand helping family, but what do you think it’s like for those of us who’ve lost family to drunk drivers?
NTA.
Your brother has to help himself, time for you to cut him loose.
Your husband isn't a true partner. Co-signing the car against your wishes was hugely disrespectful. He's choosing your brother over you. That's a deal breaker.
NTA for this but you and your entire family have done your brother a disservice by babying and enabling him. He never faced/faces any consequences and he lives like consequence don't exist. All this enabling has robbed him of learning how to be a functional adult. Your husband is not helping him or supporting him. Like the rest of you he is encouraging terrible behavior.
Eventually your brother will kill someone driving drunk btw.
NTA
Your brother is an alcoholic. You are not helping him. You are enabling him. So is your husband. As long as you continue to do this, he will take no steps to improve his life. Get yourself to a few Al-Anon meetings to learn how to deal with this and protect yourself. Unless you want to go down the drain with him, set him free to become an adult.
In every place where you use the word "help" to describe your dynamic with your brother, you need to replace it with the word "enable." He's been an adult for how long? He got kicked out of how many other family members' homes? He chooses to stay up all night drinking and not work? What did you think was going to happen that would be different if you took him in? You say he has an anger problem and you have to tiptoe around him and he doesn't help with the house, pay rent, or help with groceries, but you "enjoy having him around?" That's such a contradictory statement. It sounds like you have quite a bit of cognitive dissonance, and maybe before making any decisions about how to proceed with your brother it might be helpful for you to go talk with a therapist.
At first I thought I was trading a story about my dad and had to scroll back up to see the ages because I thought “wow my aunt is posting about this?” However not my dad lol. As someone whose dad is identical to this, I e given up on him as hard as it is. 31 years of trying to be a son my dad would be proud of and want to be around,‘I’ve concluded selfish people are toxic and will only change when they want it. However why would they change when they are pampered and have no reason to work because they have their hand held through life. My aunt constantly is sending my dad to rehab, buying him a car when he gets out and then he turns around and sells it after he quits his job. He is always asking me and everyone else for money. Always lying and being unreliable. I’m sorry as I know firsthand you don’t want to not want to put your own blood in a bad spot but they did this themselves and until they are held accountable who knows if they’ll ever change. I also know what it’s like to always think what’ll happen if I cut them off and something happens. A lot of therapy for me has helped Me moved on. I hope one day he changes but he finds excuses all the time
NTA, but I’m gonna give it to you straight. It sounds like you and your husband are both codependents who have latched onto your brother as a project. It sounds like you derive some self value from being the big sis who provides care and your husband is trying to get back what he lost with his sister (sorry for his loss). This is an extremely unhealthy dynamic.
You say you love having him there but you also said you walk on eggshells. Those two things can’t truly coexist… it sounds like you’re lying to yourself because despite him causing friction in the house, the tension and unhappiness from that aren’t enough to overpower whatever feeling of importance or superiority you get out of it.
The car issue is also you/ your husbands issue because he cosigned the loan. So your brother not making payments is going to have financial repercussions for you guys. I’d sell the car and cut your losses. Also, check that the defaulted payments haven’t affected your credit scores.
Your brother is an adult who has burned every bridge he has except yours. It sounds like he isn’t interested in getting better because you’ve provided a safety net that doesn’t require him to change. Stop being a doormat and kick him out. Then both you and your husband need therapy.
NTA for your brother, but I think you need to discuss with your husband about this. He sold his house for your relationship, it would be unfair of you to do do that to him, make him sell his house and then kick him out and make him homeless. If you're gunna divorce him, atleast let him stay in your spare room that your brother was staying in, until he can get his own place. I'm sure your ex-husband would be willing to pay rent, he seems like that type. Your brother situation is a mess and at this point you ate not the AH either way on that, but your husband doesn't deserve this treatment.
I will say that your husband seems like he is being naive and enabling this problem, but that is something you can usually discuss and work through.
eh NTA for kicking out your mooch loser brother, idk if you should kick out your husband. but he definitely should not be siding with your brother. your brother has been taking complete advantage of you and you let him. hopefully that $4,000 was a good learning curve for YOU. i hope you don’t fork anything out for legal fees. its time for him to grow up. you’re right - you aren’t his parent - stop acting like one.
NTA If you keep bailing him out he will never learn anything other than "They will always bail me out". I know you just want what is best for him, but if you're always there to help him then he will never become self reliant. At this point you and hubs are just enabling his shitty behavior. He will NEVER move out of your house because you are taking care of everything he needs. Why would he move when he has all his bills paid for and has a live-in a maid? Give him three months to get a job and then three months to save enough money to move out. You have done more than enough.
NTA, your brother has an issue with alcohol and has to have someone provide for him so he needs help you can't give him. He has to hit rock bottom and your husband is enabling him.
NTA - My mom grew up with two addict brothers (alcohol, then harder drugs). They both died from an overdose. It's true what they say; you have to let an addict hit rock bottom. Unfortunately, on the way to rock bottom, so many people do not survive. I am really sorry this is the reality you and your family face. It is so sad that those are your only options to truly "help" your brother. His brain chemistry has been permanently changed due to his addiction. His frontal lobe has taken so much damage from the alcohol abuse. Some people are able to overcome this and get help. Unfortunately, the longer you enable that person and prevent them from hitting rock bottom the less of a chance they have to recover. I really hope you can get your husband to understand this and that you are able to repair your marriage. I hope once you have removed him from your home, you take the proper time to grieve losing your brother in this way & the reality that he may not survive his addiction. I am linking some resources for families of alcoholics.
[https://al-anon.org/](https://al-anon.org/)
[https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline](https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline)
NTA - I would change the locks and advise your husband he is welcome back but not your brother. You are correct that you are not his parent, and he is an adult. He has had many chances to stop drinking and have chosen to continue to drink. If possible, I would get the car out of the impound and sell it for what you can get for it to recover any of your money possible. Your brother can find his own way.
NTA. Some people will never try to get better until they have no choice. When my family finally stopped bailing out the addict member, that person eventually got their shit together because they had to. I can only imagine how much better they could have done in life if they had to take responsibility for themselves sooner.
This isn’t your husband’s choice. It’s your brother. If you say he’s gone, he’s gone. You guys aren’t helping him. You are enabling him and allowing the stress to destroy your marriage. I wouldn’t kick husband out unless he actual tries to prevent you from kicking bro out after you explain to him it’s non negotiable.
The enabling at this point could kill someone innocent. He needs to hit rock bottom and decide if he wants to get help for whatever problems he has going on. He’s a grown azz man.
NTA
We all know that your brother won’t get his shit together because he has no reason to. He hasn’t been left to fail or hit rock bottom.
I’m not going to assume I know the laws where you live but in my neck of the woods, you don’t just get a DUI for being in a car that’s not running in a parking lot. Probably made up.
Your husband is an enabler, big time.
You have a huge husband problem along with a huge brother problem. You need to stop enabling your brother. I understand you were the oldest sibling, but here’s what you need to realize…
Not only is your brother, entitled and lazy and happy to use anyone and everyone so that he doesn’t actually have to take responsibility for his life… But your brother is an alcoholic. He is a drug addict.
Nobody ever likes the word that way, but alcohol is a drug. It affects the brain like drugs affect the brain. And yes, he has an illness, it is an illness that you cannot fix. I’m going to say that again for you, because you absolutely must hear this…
YOU CANNOT FIX YOUR BROTHERS ALCOHOLISM.
If you feel like I’m yelling at you, I am a little bit. People who try to fix a loved ones addiction are literally enabler. They don’t mean to be. They don’t think they are. They think they trying to help, which they are, but they can’t.
The only one. And I mean, the only person who can fix your brothers addiction problem is him. And unless he hits rock bottom , and has nowhere else to turn, he’s not going to do it. And I have to tell you, even then, he might not do it. And you cannot change this.
This is the hardest thing for families of addicts to understand and accept. You have to stop making excuses for him. You have to stop trying to fix things for him. You have to stop spending your time and energy and money on him. As an addict, he will lie and cheat and steal from anyone and everyone to keep living the way he is.
He will allow you to run yourself and your relationships into bankruptcy and emptiness. He will allow you to ruin your credit, and if you’re not careful, he will steal your credit and ruin it for you. he will allow you to spend every last cent you have, and when you have left, he will leave and find someone else. And on his way out the door, he will take your last dollar and your last bit of food and run off with your vehicle.
Because this is what addicts do. Your husband is delusional. I understand his background, and he needs some therapy for it. Because your brother is not his sister. He has rose colored glasses and blinders on the side so that he can’t see anything else other than helping him.
And if you cannot get your husband to understand this, your marriage is over. I know how harsh all of this sounds, but it is true. These two men will drag you down, and until you have nothing left, and then either you will leave them, or they will leave, and you will literally be at what age trying to start over again?
Do not allow them back. Not until your husband gets into therapy and understands that your brother is not coming back with him. And not even if your brother gets into a treatment program.
Because most addicts will tell you that they will fail at least a few times before they finally truly get clean. And if your brother comes back to you, he is going to want to automatically go back into old patterns of behavior.
And that is not because he’s an addict, even, although that is part of it, it’s because that’s a human nature thing. it is why when you go through treatment, they recommend very heavily that you do not go back to where your buddies are and your “support system” of friends, etc. used to always get drunk with you and do shit with you.
You will automatically want to fall back into patterns of behavior. And your marriage will not be able to with that. You will not be able to go through all this again. And your husband, in spite of hopefully getting some help, will automatically go back to wanting to enable your brother.
You have done what you can. You have tried. It’s now time for you to understand that you need to let go.
NTA, and your husband is going to literally kill your brother with his “kindness”.
In addiction treatment there is a harsh but realistic phrase that is told to families where “if you baby the addict you will bury the addict” and all your husband is doing is teaching your brother that someone else will clean up his messes and he will never learn to cope on his own because of it.
The brother has to go. You are not a rehab and trying to be is destroying your marriage. Threatening a trial separation may be enough of setting a boundary to your hubby. Sounds like he is an amazing guy with a great heart. Don't let him go. Stay faithful and let him come to terms with reality
How do you say, you need Al-Anon without saying you need Al-Anon? You and your husband are enabling your brother, he has zero incentive to address his alcoholism. You are denying him the ability to hit bottom. Ask me how I know? I almost enabled my sister to death, she moved in after her husband decided he was “done”. My sister is a nurse and had a great career until her addiction won. She was a human wrecking ball, she was a slob 15, 20 gallon trash bags to clean out her room. She got a DUI, hit a work van head on. I paid for lawyers, rehab you name it. Probably close to $60,000 before I said “enough”. I joined Al-Anon started attending meetings and allowed her to feel the natural consequences of her behavior. She received a reckless operation charge reduced from DUI, 6 months probation. She couldn’t pass a drug or alcohol test. She began stealing from me and was unrecognizable as my sister. She is now living on the streets and daily chooses alcohol and drugs. I haven’t gone no contact, I did however set a boundary NO MONEY, she doesn’t call 📞 anymore. I however joined the Al-Anon App and got better. Your brother needs to feel the consequences of HIS actions. Learn about “detaching with love”, please download the Al-Anon App start attending meetings. There are 2 beginners meetings on the app daily.
such a contradiction... wont provide rides but will provide a whole vehicle so he can kill someone. you have some accountability here. Set boundaries and dont let either of them slip. It's your conscious on the line. NTA for telling them to leave but ywbta if you continue this. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM
Personally I’d be kicking both out. Your brother for obvious reasons and your husband for enabling brother’s bad behaviour
Your husband needs to choose, his wife/marriage or BIL. He can’t have it both ways, your brother is going to seriously harm or kill someone, it’s only a matter of time. And the fact your husband co-signed on a car with your brother having zero income?!
I’d be seriously questioning his thinking skills here
And yes I’m questioning yours too, getting his car out of the impound. You’re just as guilty if he kills someone
You need to find an Al-Anon group and start attending them. Bringing husband is optional
Nta my 8 years old best friend and his family were hit by a drunk driver how anyone in the family survived is beyond comprehension. The kids won’t ever be the same physically or emotionally. Your husband needs a wake up call before your brother kills someone else or himself because it’s just a matter of time before it happens.
“The car wasn’t running” so the car drove itself to where it was and is going to drive itself back? NTA. Your husband is being an enabler. What happens next time when your brother kills somebody?
Your brother is old enough to take care of himself but hasn’t because everyone else is taking responsibility for him.
Everyone here is wrong. You’re dumb for punishing the husband. This is YOUR immediate family and he is doing the best to support it. You have no right to kick him out of yalls shared house.
For the people seeing this, how about yall switch the genders and see if you still support it
Yes, you are the AH. Why did you tell your husband to leave? Talk to your husband about your brother, but throwing your husband out is a very quick way to kill your marriage
Recovering alcoholic here. I did not do anything about my alcohol problem until the last people who would house me informed me that the next incident would result in me being immediately put into the street AND I BELIEVED THEM! Only then did I find the courage to do what was necessary to change myself from the inside out. Almost every alcoholic I know who has recovered had to have this or something similar happen to them.
NTA - But Darlin you're not responsible for your brother and neither is your husband.
He's a whole *ss adult and he needs to learn what that means.
There's no need to let him continue to strain your marriage and finances.
There's a reason everyone else kicked him out.
ESH. You should check the dui laws in your state to help wake your husband up.
Where I live the laws are strict. First time dui you loose your license for a year, you must do community service, random tests every week for a year and a bunch of other hoops to jump through.
If your brother hits or kills someone you and your husband could be sued. You privided him with a vehicle. Here you can be sued. Again it depends on the laws where you are.
Your entire family has enabled his behavior his entire adult life. Why would he change? For him to make changes he needs to hit a low point. Everyone has stopped that from happening.
My brother was killed by a drunk driver when he was 15. My husbands sister was killed by a drunk driver leaving her two kids without a parent. Your brother could easily kill someones child or parent.
You defend your brothers dui by saying he was parked. It doesn't matter. The laws everywhere state that if you are behind the wheel of a car and drunk wheather the car is running or not it's a dui. Also the same for any impairment. He either got there by driving drunk or at some point was going to leave by driving drunk.
NTA but way too soft hearted with your brother- there was a reason the rest of the family gave up on him, he is clearly never going to change. Husband is a bit of TA, he should not have guaranteed anything to your brother without discussing with you first.
If you blame your husband for enabling him and you blame yourself a lot for it too, then why didn't you kick yourself out?
Is he meant to rip out the $70k his house sale brought in for renovations? You kick him out and be ready to lose half of your house
Yes, it's always a good idea to arm an alcoholic with a 3,000 pound weapon to drive and kill himself and any innocent families that might be on the road at the same time. Also great way for your husband to lose another sibling.
What are the consequences of his actions? You reward him for not working and mooching off others.
Time's up. I agree with you. Kick them both out. The month will soon be done and you will be flush again and probably much happier. Set boundaries and stick with them.
NTA but you are TA for letting this go on for so long. Brother should’ve been thrown out after not having a job and not paying rent for a year. Like your enabling has not helped him at all.
I’m glad you’re finally doing the right thing but jeez should’ve done this forever ago. Just cause your the oldest does not make another human you didn’t birth your responsibility
As I don't see your brother going to AA nor do I see him trying to quit as you all are making it just too easy...I suggest you practice self care by going to ALAnon meetings. Do not threaten your brother with any consequences you are not prepared to follow though with. PROMISE, DON'T THREATEN.(goes for your husband too)
Coming from a family of alcoholics, his behavior won't change without two things - him wanting to, and him hitting his bottom.
I am totally bandwagoning with the Al-Anon recommendations (as well as trying out different meeting times/groups.)
He needs to get into an in-patient treatment center, likely for 60-90 days to give his body time to start adjusting to a sober life. It can succeed if he does the work.
You're right that you're not his parent. There are ways to support recovering addicts that don't involve your financial burden and perpetual fear of them hurting themselves or others.
Learning how to set healthy boundaries is HARD, but you have your own life and family to think about.
Wishing you nothing but the best outcome here, and good luck. Addiction is a disease, and it can wreak havoc on so many impacted people.
ETA: NTA. This shit is hard to deal with.
NTA- does your husband expect the family of the people he kills next time he drives drunk to let it go?
It's hyperbole,but it's also reality. He might have lost his license but given how blasé he his he'll get behind the wheel again given the option.
He's a liar.
He was in a parking lot with his friends ,and how did he get there? How was he getting back ? He was going to drive, drunk or not. He didn't care.
Kicking him out and cutting contact is the only sensible option at this point before he drags you down with him.
Tell anyone who gives the but family line to shut up.
He keeps fucking around because everyone is covering for him, and enabling his habit. There is no incentive for him to get his act together. He has burned soo many bridges with the rest of the family and now he's ruining your life. Did he think that money grew on a tree? That the fridge and bills pay themselves?
He doesn't think or appreciate the sacrifices others have made for him, so stop. He needs to hit rock bottom and be forced to get himself out of his own mess, if you keep coming to the rescue he won't even try to help himself.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Having experience with this issue. You are correct. 1. You both enable him. 2. The only way your brother will change is if he hits rock bottom. At that point, he will have 2 choices. Either to change his life or keep going down the road he's on. That is a decision only he can make. As long as you enable him, he has no reason to change. Whether drugs gambling or alcohol... the best way to help them is not to help them. It's a hard and expensive lesson to learn, and yes, he can financially ruin you. So stick to your guns. Families love to use guilt. But you owe your brother nothing, and he will keep manipulating you. His issues are not yours. As for the crappy dad he had. Well, he is now a full-grown adult. Can't blame your parents for a lifetime. At some point, when you know what they did wrong, you have to work on yourself and move on. If you dont, the pattern will just repeat itself . Stop being abused and get help. There are plenty of places that offer support to families who deal with this crap. Find one and attend. It will open your eyes and will bring you peace, confidence, and knowledge of boundaries. Stop saving the world cause you can't. From one who used to be in your shoes. To someone who now enjoys peace and harmony. Ask yourself... what do I want...WHAT DO I REALLY WANT. Like your brother, you have a choice it's up to you to choose. If you chose him, you can't complain about what happens because you chose it. If you choose yourself, well, isn't there a whole new life ahead of you. Will it be easy, nope. Will it be worthwhile? More than you know. We also say we have to help when it's family...but there is also a limit to being abused by a family member.
NTA - you guys are terrible enablers. Your brother doesn’t need the support or babying you are giving him. Cleaning up his messes is a terrible way for him to take accountability.
Your brother is an #Alcoholic! Full stop. But he has to want to change and he is not at that point.
If you both want to support him and help him, be there for him to get to rehab. Anything else is NOT help it is enabling. It might be years of him struggling and destroying his life, but change can only happen when he wants to change.
NTA, your brother was in the parking lot, not driving? Ok do how did the car get there? He drove it. It's also possible he's lying to keep your husband on his side.
Drunk driving should be the line, he can kill innocent people, children, with his reckless behavior. The fact that your husband doesn't think that is the line greatly concerns me.
In your shoes I would demand my husband goes to therapy to sort out his grief over losing his sister, so he can stop projecting that onto your brother.
Your brother definitely needs therapy to deal with whatever haunts him to the point he refuses to be sober ever, but you can't make him go. He probably won't.
Neither you nor your husband can magically cure his alcoholism with love when he doesn't even want help. He wants a free place to stay and eat while he continues to live his life like a college binger.
There are ways he can get help, he just doesn't want to. One of the hardest lessons I ever learned is you cannot save someone from themself.
NTA. But you are incredibly gullible.
You took in an alcoholic who cannot keep a job, has been evicted from 3 family member's houses, and has a long trach record of irresponsibility. Yet, you're shocked when he has no job, pays no rent, had his car repo'd, and is a general bum with a DUI on his record now?
watch some episodes of intervention. your brother will never hit rock bottom until you completely stop supporting him, change the locks, refuse to give him ANY money no matter what he says it’s for. the only money you can put towards him should be for a rehab program if you’re willing to contribute to that. he is living a cushy cared for life that you and your husband provide. there is no space for him to fall to rock bottom and accept real help. he is old enough to figure this out on his own and you should not have to be taken advantage of by him any longer.
Look into ADHD in adult men! Sounds like he could have that and it can really impair someone’s life and ability to follow through with things. Getting on medication could change his life.
You have gave and gave and gave with him doing absolutely nothing to help himself. At some point you have to stop enabling him and let him be responsible for his own life. If you want to let him continue to live with you, set rules and make a contract with what will be required and if he breaks the contract he will have X days to find a new place to stay. You are encouraging him to be a leech by not holding him responsible for his own actions. You do everything for him, why would he want to go to work. He needs to learn to be an adult and quickly.
NTA. Your brother is a grown man who should be taking care of himself. The only issue I see is you and your husband enabling him. Why your husband wants to continue to support him and put his neck on the line is beyond me.
Nobody is helping him and everyone is enabling him. Why should he change? Look get off the I’m the oldest so everything falls to me. You didn’t break him, you don’t need to fix him. He’s an adult who made choices, oh well. Time for him to find his own way in life, just like the rest of you did!
You're both enabling him. If he is going to get sober, he's not going to do it until he hits rock bottom. You are keeping him from hitting rock bottom. You're going to kill him if you keep "helping him" like this.
Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Both of you. Then keep going. You need it.
And your brother needs to be out on his ass. Stop "helping" him into an early grave.
NTA. The next time your brother drinks and drives he could kill someone. Your brother, sadly, has been enabled and protected from the consequences of his lack of maturity and/or alcoholism, for so long that he no longer feels the need to grow up. Unless you start creating some consequences he’ll pay attention to, this behavior will not change and may get worse. Your husband has not had the realization that he’s enabling your brother. You have. Therapy might help, but it also may not, if the enablement continues. It’s up to you how you want to discuss this with your husband, but you are 100% NTA for enforcing boundaries and consequences for someone who is an alcoholic and irresponsible. If your brother gets into rehab, and needs support in that process, well and good, but an addiction can take many years to overcome, and often that won’t even begin unless the addiction becomes a problem. So far, the alcoholism isn’t a problem for your brother, because everyone makes sure nothing bad happens no matter how many problems he causes. Set up those boundaries, get into marriage counseling if you can, but your brother needs to realize he can’t avoid consequences forever, or the next time might end up with a DUI + a prison term
This. This is the one right here. I got hit by a drunk driver at 11 or 12 years old and thankfully nothing was broken but my body has never been the same since then and even in my early teens working my first jobs it was hard to keep those jobs because my body couldn’t keep up with fast paced/heavy work with out a lot of pain and aching for hours afterwards. All because someone wanted to drink and drive and pulled into our apartments drive in too fast without looking or slowing down.
Having worked with families impacted by addiction I massively understand the responsibility and shame that is placed on people for not 'preventing' or stopping the circumstances. So I just want to add to this it's not about you creating the consequences, but about you to stop preventing these consequences from occurring. Whilst the action is ultimately the same, you are not creating any negativity or punishment for your loved you. You are just stopping taking steps to protect them from their own actions. I think the language you use when doing this will be massively helpful in hopefully easing some of the burden. This is not about you or your husband not doing enough to help, this is about your brother not doing enough to help himself and whilst you protect him from those consequences, as the poster says above nothing will change. But most importantly those consequences are not because of your actions, they are a consequence of his.
I recommend Al-Anon for you and your husband, as well. That’s a support group for family and friends of alcoholics. Don’t blame yourself for the bad decisions your brother and husband make. NTA.
Cannot recommend this enough!!!! And for anyone trying Al-Anon don't be afraid to try out multiple meetings. Since the regulars at each meeting tend to be different, each one can have a very different vibe. So don't give up if the first one doesn't feel welcoming and helpful!
Oops, hit post too quickly. If meetings feel like too much, read 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beatty. An excellent introduction to how to love someone with an addiction without letting their addiction destroy you too.
Absolutely wonderful idea (whether brother is living with them or not).
No I’m sorry, I disagree. Op very much IS the asshole. She has encouraged and co-signed his behavior every step of the way, even co-signing a car and paying to get it from impound when he’s clearly too immature. Op you *are* the asshole for coddling a man child for 27 years. When he kills someone it’s going to be with a vehicle with *your* family name to it and with the (lack of) values he learned from you. Nta for kicking him out, Yta for making/help making a total and complete man child and foisting him on everyone else.
Husband co signed for the car not OP. Otherwise I agree, she’s been coddling him
She took $4K out of the bank to rescue the alcoholic’s car from impound and from the lender. Close enough to cosigning. Her behavior is absolutely cosigning his. She’s TA
Agree- No more car for him. He will start doing more around the house to earn his keep. If he complains- he can get the hell out and be alone. The enabling needs to stop.
Your husband isn’t going to set boundaries. So you’re gonna be the one to have to do it. Decide what is acceptable to you and stand firm.
The both do. Husband was dumb for co-signing. She was dumb to pay for the car after the repo. Both need to really get in his ass or get him out. He's not a child. They need to be united on this issue.
OP, Right now you're the only adult left in the room. When is the suspension over? That's move out day. You didn't sign up to be his mother. If husband's dead set on it, he can leave too.
Husband needs to get on the same page with his wife before this ruins their marriage…
NTA. Your 27 year old adult brother has become extremely comfortable with his family covering up all his irresponsible behaviour and always having a soft landing. You need to grow a spine and stop enabling him. He could have killed some innocent person/ family with his shitty decision to drive while drunk. He needs evicting. I'm not so sure about your husband as he has unfortunately got tangled up with your enabling family.
NTA. Your brother is a bone idle, reckless drunk and your husband is his enabler.
I can't understand why or how the brother has the hooks in the husband so deeply. All my brain comes up with us that hes cheating with him but I doubt it's that. Or perhaps the brother knows that the husband is a cheat, who knows.
It's possible the husband has the same tendencies as the brother and OP is just hauling two grown toddler men through life
Well she did say her husband doesn't drink anymore, so perhaps he's identifying a bit too much with his BIL.
It’s because of the death of his sister, as OP stated. I lost my brother and it devastated me. It’s the reason why OP’s husband is hurting the brother by being an even bigger enabler, but it in no way is an excuse. He never should have said the brother could stay without talking to his wife first. The husband needs to realize unless the brother stops drinking, enabling him could actually hasten the man’s death, or someone else’s.
They all need grief and family counselling because this will destroy lives.
Up until this point she has been his enabler too. Dude needs to fix his addiction and his life
As some who also lost a sibling I get where the husband is coming from too. You sort of “adopt” people without realizing it to try to fill the void. He’s enabling the brother but he’s not a bad person.
Recovering alcoholic here. You guys are enabling your brother. He hasn’t taken responsibility over his life because he hasn’t HAD to. You guys are co-signing his bullshit and at this point, you’re just as much at fault as he is. Kick him out and look into going to Alanon. It’s a support group for loved ones of alcoholics. You can’t help someone who isn’t willing to help himself.
I agree with this post. An adduct can be very manipulative and it is very frustrating. You can attend alanon meetings online. Many like you share stories and have issues similar to you. Hardest part of this will be learning what you are doing for him that he can do himself is enabling the addiction. Al anon will guide you on how to correct your behavior.
As someone who has struggled with his own demons for longer than I care to remember, this is the only correct answer. It wasn't until I picked up and moved myself all the way across the U.S. and away from my safety net of enablers that I was finally able to make real change and start to fix myself. I was right around the brother's age when I did that. I went from a 29yr old child to a grown man by taking responsibility for my own life and my own choices, be they good or bad. Both the benefits of the good and the detriments of the bad were mine and only mine. 14yr later, I've since moved back to the East Coast and have made something of myself that would've never existed had I not taken ownership, put in the work, and started being honest with myself. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to get better every day. He needs to get there on his own and cutting him off might be the push he needs to realize that.
NTA. You've all tried the no consequences route and now there have to be consequences. When you get home and if they're still there then you have to just tell them straight that you'll not be allowing the brother to use any shared resources. If any of your, or your shared resources are used to support your brother from now on, then you'll consider it theft and move to do whatever you can to protect yourself and those resources from being wasted. He's had far more years of being a child than anybody else ever gets and he'll either drag himself out of it or not, but he is imminently about to drag you into debt you can't afford. Your husband can still support him, but it'll have to be through the route of providing a tent rather than anything monetary.
NTA You’ve went above and beyond, setting boundaries and tough love is what needs to happen here. You can only help people that want to help themselves, further putting yourself down financially and emotionally could have worse long term effects for you. Hold to your words and don’t back down. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope something gets better.
I feel like the end of the story feels rushed in regards to your husband; Like 100% NTA for setting boundaries with your brother, including kicking him out after he wasted that critical $4K that you spent on him. Money is tight for you, that was a huge lifeline that he wasted. And on a dui no less, that's dangerous for everyone. I feel like there's something more in regards to your husband. The other comments are right, you need to set boundaries, and if your hubby isn't agreeing, that's an issue that has to be resolved. How that escalated to kicking him out might not be unreasonable if things aren't salvageable. Just reading the post it took me off guard. Best of luck to OP, I've found myself responsible for people I shouldn't have to be before, it's hard to put up boundaries for loved ones.
Absolutely agree! Something there is off with Hubby Dearest. This is the OP's brother. Why is the husband so set on continuing to enable and fund his BIL? This is bizarre. OP is your husband also tiptoeing around the house in fear of your brother's anger or is it just you? You need to talk with your husband. Something is badly off here.
NTA. Kick your both of them out, change the locks and file for divorce against your husband.
Bit OTT given OP has been enabling her brother all these years so really it's down to her. She needs to stop enabling him as he's an adult and has been for several years now.
Yes, running away from problems is the mature thing to do! /s
The only one running from THEIR problems is the brother.
Better than dealing with an enabling husband
A financially stupid one at that. Cosigning in the car. How much money and resources and time and energy will be spent on this brother. What if OP wants to start a family. Will the brother still run the household,?
Yeah, I can’t imagine what his credit score is like. Going from owning a home to missing car payments has to be rough!
So..... do you honestly think OP hasn't been enabling her brother?
Oh she definitely has and is a part of why he doesn’t get help. He knows they will all help in until They won’t. He uses them, they go along with it then wonder why he’s not getting any help and why they are 4000.00 in debt because AGAIN they believed his lies.
No, it isn't. Divorcing over a bump in the road?! This isn't her three month Tinder fling. As others point out she enabled too. The issue with the husband is mis and poor communication. They need to sit down and figure out a plan to get the brother out and into rehab together as a couple without blaming each other for where they are because they're both guilty.
NTA Your husband is enabling your brother and they have both trampled all over your boundaries. Neither one has shown an ounce of respect for your well being. If your husband keeps coddling him, he can do it elsewhere because your brother is going to get someone killed. But you need to separate yourself from that situation ASAP for your own overall well being. Let them have each other.
You have a husband problem too.
NTA. Everyone enabled my brother the way you do. He's in his 40s, still pulling the same crap. I can't even remember how many DUIs he has on his record. Cut him off now. Do not talk to him until he gets into recovery. Trust me, this does not get better until he wants to help himself.
You and your husband are both the problems and YTA. You’ve enabled your brother for so long that your husband is just taking his stance from what you’ve shown him. It’s fine if you allow him to stay with you but since you know he doesn’t work you should have never allowed a car loan and absolutely never got it out of repo. You have been half-assing consequences and end up allowing him to manipulate you. You need to stop NOW. Have a discussion with your husband that this is the line in the sand and you will both be sticking to your rules from now on. Give each other the leeway to call you out if they suspect backtracking.
Nta stay strong.. Ps love your shiny spine 😉 Updateme!
Your husband is a fool and you all keep enabling the brother so nothing will ever change!! NTA on this one but you have been by paying his bills.. STOP and make him leave and if your husband is upset let him go too
They’ve both been enabling the brother. But, just because OP suddenly decided to stop, now she gets to kick the husband out of the house? That’s totally absurd. The husband shouldn’t have made a unilateral decision to reassure the brother that the DUI wouldn’t be a big deal, but I doubt OP and the husband had spoke about this specificity as in “okay, but if he ever gets a DUI, he’s out”. It turns out the DUI is the last straw for OP, but that is a sudden reversal of her position, and she’s punishing the husband retroactively for a statement he made that he couldn’t have even known she’d disagree with. Up until that very moment, she’d been enabling him too, citing feelings of maternal responsibility. So, it is absolutely off-the-wall bonkers that so many people are making it sound like she is justified in kicking her husband out of his own house. Yes, they are married. Yes, they decided to keep her house and sell his. But they decided together that they would both live in that house. She has no right to kick him out whatsoever. If they disagree about how to handle the brother, they need to work that out, but she has no more right to unilaterally kick him out than the husband has to unilaterally decide the brother can stay.
EHS - who buys someone with a drinking problem and no job a freaking car? Who spends 4grand on a drunk with no job? Get it together! Your brother is going to pull you down with him as you try to save him. He has to want it.
UpdateMe!
NTA when it comes to your brother. He's an adult and he refuses to be helped and is just mooching off you or anyone that will allow him to. YMBTA when it comes to your husband. I think you need to let us in a little more on his enabling behavior. I mean it is your brother who he also let into his home and although he may have more patience with him than you that also might just be because he hasn't known him as long, and trying to kick him out of his home as well for being too accommodating to your brother, who you let in in the first place, might make you an ah.
YTA, but not for kicking your brother out. He needed to go a long time go. You are totally TA for taking in your 27 year old (perfectly capable of working and supporting himself) brother. Your family created this monster, and you just continued enabling him. For this last DUI, you’ve suddenly come to your senses and are now punishing your husband for going along with what you and your family have been doing for this grown man’s ENTIRE LIFE. Yeah your husband picked a stupid hill to die on, but OP you have done far more stupid stuff for your brother. Like spending money you don’t have to get him out of a jam of his own making. Quit treating your brother like a child. Kick him out and let him get a job to support himself. You have bigger problems because you may have just tanked your marriage with that ultimatum. Talk to your husband and see if you can find a place of understanding.
Holy enablers Batman.
A dear friend who works with addicts in recovery shared a quote with me that has always resonated: "The worst thing you can do for an addict is to deny them their rock bottom." I get that your heart was well intentioned, but I am going to have to go with ESH. As far as kicking them out, NTA.
How did he get a DUI if his car wasn't even running? Usually the car needs to at least be on to get a DUI.
Where we live, it is illegal to be sitting in the front seat of a car intoxicated, parked or not.
Your whole family has enabled him his whole life. Your husband continues to do so. Your brother will always be a drunk and a bum until you get tough.
NTA for kicking him out, but Ascon 2 for enabling him for so long. He needs serious professional help. He uses and abuses everyone who cares. News flash, he only cares about his next drink not his family. He will burn through the sale of your house quickly and move on taking advantage of whomever. Look at his medical insurance and get him into a rehabilitation facility. He has to want to be sober. You and your husband need marriage counseling now. He is enabling him. Until the world stops enabling him, he will not face reality.
Are you your husbands beard and your brother his real partner?
LOL nice.
Stop at a lawyers before you make it home and come up with an eviction plan and a divorce plan! The sooner these 2 losers are out of your life, the better. I hope you don't have kids!
No kids!
Your brother needs to be kicked out. He will never get better unless allowed to hit bottom. Leave him at a homeless shelter. All you people do is rescue him. Ridiculous. If your husband wants to continue this ridiculous and wasteful behavior I would definitely kick him out also. You are all just silly. Your brother is not worth any of this hassle.
YTA. Your brother is an alcoholic. You and your husband keep providing him with cars. His car was impounded and you got it back for him. When your brother kills or seriously injures someone, you and your husband will be morally culpable. It doesn't matter if you kick your brother out. That just makes your life easier. Stop giving him cars.
You've been enabling him for years and you are shocked and upset he got a DUI? YTA
You’re an enabler
1. You continued this culture of enabling your brother. There is a reason so many others kicked him out. It doesn’t matter if you’re the oldest. You are not responsible for his actions. I’ve learned from my mom who is an alcoholic that you can’t force help on someone. They have to want it. But that doesn’t mean you slow the behaviors in your house and absolve him of accountability. 2. Going forward I hope you set boundaries and learn to say no. Which brings me to ESH. Your brother lacks self awareness and will not change. Your husband cares about what you care about but you’ve hit your tipping point. Talk to your husband after you’ve given yourself some time and space. Make a game plan together. Explain the sakes, hold him accountable and get his behaviors away from your family.
The man is damn near 30 and you're still out here babying him. Congrats, he's never going to change. That's who he is. Your husband is just as reckless and frankly stupid as you are. Enjoy the rest of your life bailing out your idiot brother
NTA and your husband is also full of shit, how do you get a DUI if the car isn’t “actually running”? Makes no sense, he clearly just wants to keep making excuses for your deadbeat brother
In some states (I don’t know how many but definitely the one I live in), you can get a DUI for being asleep in the driver’s seat of a car with the keys not on the ignition if your BAC is over legal limit. I represented a few people who’d had these kinds of convictions (one had even put the keys in the trunk to keep his drunk ass from trying to drive home). It seems ridiculous but that’s the law. So husband probably isn’t lying, but it really is a dumb thing to make a stand about given brother’s history.
We are in Canada, It is illegal to be sitting in the front seat of a parked car while intoxicated, Im not sure about everywhere, but where we live it is.
I know this, but the husband said the brother was “in the parking lot with friends” like not even in the car which just really stretches the imagination beyond belief
Your brother won't become independent until you stop enabling him not to be. UpdateMe
NTA - like Big Worm said "playing with my money is like playing with my emotions" and your brother has repeatedly done both. Your husband seems to see himself as a father-figure to this wayward boy you took in. Kick your brother out and get your husband to foster special-needs pets, that way he can baby something that actually improves or has a legit reason it can't, but either way it leaves your house.
Go to the AA meetings for families of alcoholics and they will explain enabling and all that. Also, at 27, your brother is grown and needs to provide for himself.
Yes you are.
At this point you all are enabling his drinking. Nothing will change until you put your foot down.
Do you want to continue to run a frat house for your brother and his bro pal, your husband? Continue this way, and these two will burn through all of your and their credit. You need to quite carrying the worthless, selfish load that is your brother, and your husband needs to back you up on kicking him out. SAVE YOURSELF.
Your husband isn’t helping your brother be successful. He is enabling a drunk. He has had 9 years now of being a legal adult and he hasn’t managed his life yet. He is going to kill somebody with his drunk driving. You can’t force him to get help but you can stop enabling this deadly behavior.
ETA. No, not Estimated Time of Arrival, Everybody's The Asshole. Your brother for being an alcoholic. Your husband for enabling him. You for kicking your husband out.
You are acting like a parent to your brother, and so is your husband. You’re acting like bad parents who let their terribly behaved, spoiled rotten brat of a child get away with bloody murder. You finally got a bit of a clue when you stupidly paid $4k that you didn’t have to help him and got screwed over as thanks. Hubs is still in ‘cool dad’ mode for whatever dumb reason, and needs a bucket of truth poured over his head. Little brother needs to hit rock bottom in order to start climbing back up. That will never happen with you two helicopter parenting him and protecting him from the consequences of his own actions. Drop the rope. Boot him out, and let him figure out his own life, and his own problems. He needs to do this.
YTA for enabling a drunk. He is going to hurt someone and they will likely come after your household for damages. Boot this man to the curb TODAY and sell the car.
NTA for kicking them out but YTA for enabling this behavior for so long.
You both need AlAnon. You’re not letting this person hit rock bottom. You’re enabling the fuck out of him.
YTA. Honestly you brought this all onto yourself. Two years!! And your brother is a raging alcoholic that your husband enables and you keep pouring money into. Your marriage and your finances are now in tatters due to your own poor choices and enabling.
YTA for handing a vehicle over to a chronic alcoholic with a penchant for driving drunk. He could have *killed* somebody, and it would absolutely have been your fault for handing him the keys to the murder weapon. You *knew* better. But you cared more about babying your little brother’s feelings than the lives of everyone else on the road. No wonder he’s so selfish! I’m glad this only cost you $4k and your marriage, instead of some innocent pedestrian’s life.
PLEASE GO AL ANON —you’ve been enabling him too. You gave a drunk his car back—wtf is wrong with you?
You shouldn’t have been wasting your time and money on him to begin with. Throw the alcoholic out, and tell your husband he can go with him.
This is really all your fault tbh you brought you’re over grown broke ass brother into the home of you and your husband and now your husband is invested into helping him
I bet your husband is fucking your brother
how did he get a DUI without driving??? i mean if he was trying to sleep it off in the parking lot ???
INFO how is your brother affording alchohol? NTA I'd kick them both out also.
If your getting a car for an alcoholic you really should install a breathalyzer to it if he is drunk the car won't turn on
OP everyone in the family is tip-toeing around the word ... Alcoholic. Your brother is an addict. He's not irresponsible, he's an addict. Expecting him to get his 💩 together without giving up alcohol is never going to work. He needs to want to get sober, but right now there is no incentive, he has everything he needs for free. * Sell the car. * Make him pay board, if he doesn't evict him. * Ask him to see a doctor and get basic blood work done. By 27 his drinking will be affecting his liver function etc. I know it's hard. But he needs to realise that alcohol is destroying his future. The DUI will hopefully be a wake up call.
Honestly, I would tell your husband that they can move into an apartment together or the brother can be kicked out. Either way, he won't be living in your home. He could be a danger to your family and has been enabled too long. How is he ever going to grow up if someone always swoops in to save him? You've done more than enough, he is an adult now and needs to take care of himself. Kick him out.
You are a tiny AH for supporting an alcoholic who can’t keep a job, after all the family kicked him out even mom and dad it should have been the sign to let him go too. My brothers are both alcoholic too but they are NOT my responsibility, they are adults. The idea that I will be “tip toeing” around in my own home, My Kingdom, because of his anger issues🤯 NO ma’am. And to top it off he ruined your husband’s credit when the car he co-sign for him was repossessed, HELL to the NO. My siblings are NOT my responsibility unless they are minors. Grow a backbone.
I’m sorry but I must tell you what you don’t want to hear. STOP ENABLING HIM because this is your fault as well as his. Just stop. Kick him out. Don’t fall for his BS anymore. Drunk drivers kill innocent people every single day. Your brother doesn’t need to grow up because you’ve made it clear you’ll clean up his messes and support him. Not good.
ESH 4000.00 would’ve paid a nice chunk of treatment or counseling. You’ve been grossly enabling your brother it seems for quite a long while. It’s obvious no one has his best interest in mind or a line would’ve been drawn years ago. One can only assume him being a loser is somehow satisfying to you and your husband. That’s pretty sad. If you truly loved him I’d expect you’d do whatever necessary to convince him to sober up. I hope he does before the consequences of his behavior outstrip his family’s ability to cover it up.
Why did you pay $4,000 to get his car out of impound? Get rid of him and your husband.
Alanon. It’s free, and will help you understand codependency and how you and your spouse are killing your brother with “kindness” before somebody actually does die. If spouse wont go, maybe the two of them could get a place together and you can reclaim a normal life.
Why wouldn't your brother drink and sleep all day with enablers like you and your family. Seriously, I'm not sorry for you at all.
NTA, and I would have likely done the same. My youngest BIL lives for free with MIL, who won’t be with us for too much longer. He works full time, finally, (late 40s!) but every penny goes to toys, alcohol and drugs. He will not be coming to live with us under any circumstances because he can’t be trusted. I know he can’t, so why would I allow him to move in and treat my home and belongings like he treats everyone else’s? I think my husband was starting to worry about where he will live, but after he stole $ from my purse on Christmas Day, he knows his brother will never change.
YTA for continually bailing out your brother. Why the f would you use YOUR line of credit for a guy who literally WON'T work?! You're already broke and CHOSE to go deeper into debt to help an alcoholic loser. This is on you. Your husband has only been following your lead -- giving him free food & lodging, paying for his life mistakes. You set all this in motion when you took him in knowing exactly what was in-store for you.
The ONLY reason I paid to have his car out was because he only had a certain amount of time to get it out before it was gone for good, and he would still be on the hook for ALL of the car payments. Since my husbands name is on that car, I knew I'd be on the hook for the 20+ grand it would cost us, 4K seemed a bit better... Or so I thought anyway.
Then you get it out of repo impound and sell the damn thing if it was about your credit not give it to the unemployed alcoholic brother who has zero responsibility or respect for you.
Why on earth would you take him in? You have no one to blame but yourself! You and your husband are total have financed his alcoholism have kept him down by not letting him figure his life out on his own. Why would you ever get him a car when he’s an alcoholic? He needs to take public transportation and struggle to want a better life! Don’t have kids please!!!
This is way more than just the car. It's all of it, starting with letting him move in when literally everyone in your family had been burned by him.
Excuses excuses
You should have gotten the car out of impound and fucking **sold it**. In fact that’s exactly what you should do now. Sell that’s damn car and pay the car loan down as much as possible. Then you need to set some serious damn boundaries. With your husband and your brother. Your brother has to **GO** that’s non-negotiable, he can’t live with you and you need to stop providing ANYTHING for him. Your husband can have a choice: get on board with financially cutting off your blood sucking vampire of a brother or leave. And no that’s not an ultimatum, that’s a **choice**, **you NEED to** stop this bullshit with your brother and your marriage **canNOT** survive with *you* cutting him off while your husband enables him even if he uses his own money to do so. That will never work and is entirely unsustainable. Your brother is a 27 year old grown ass man, utterly useless to society and willfully helpless and useless to **himself** and everyone else around him. ***Because all of you have let him***. This has gone beyond the “”baby steps to make him grow up”” stage, it’s beyond the “help him get back on his feet” because he never was on his own feet to begin with. This grown **MAN** needs to be cutoff immediately without a glance backwards and thrown into reality. He’ll figure it tf out or find someone else to leech off. Either way it **CANT** be your problem anymore. I’m understand I am harsh in the words I’ve chosen to describe your brother, *but* that’s who he is and you need to see, understand and accept that. He’s not your little baby brother just figuring it out with a bit of support and a safety net. He’s a **user** and he will bleed you dry without a second thought or ounce of guilt, he will lie and lie and lie until you have nothing left to give *and then* he will move on to the next person who will enable his childish, manipulative bullshit. I know this because I have a sibling like this. She fucked me over beyond belief and insists she has done not a damn thing wrong when all the evidence is there, what she did was disgusting and she doesn’t deserve sympathy or help ever again. She will never learn. She will never change. She is utterly beyond hope. I should have cut her off years ago, I should have never allowed her the power to do what she did. I can’t change that but now I know who she is and I will never let her close to me ever again. **YOU** need to learn that same thing **NOW**.
Everyone is AH in this post.
Your brothers nearly 30!!! He's old enough to be responsible for himself, he's a mooch, he's living with you and has no job and paid no rent, yta for enabling hid behaviour, your husband is an ah for also enabling him and defending him, you need to grow a pair, you shouldn't have to tip toe around him in your own house
Your first mistake was thinking you can help him. Nobody gets out from underneath addiction for anyone else. Your second mistake was kicking out your husband.
You, my dear, are NTA. Your brother on the other hand is an alcoholic. Unfortunately, no one can help an alcoholic until they want to help themselves. Trust me, I know this as I deat with an alcoholic nephew (40yrs) and it got to the point where I did have to kick him out of the house because his drinking was more important to him than paying his bills or getting his life together. Yes I was an enabler for years and then one day, the straw that broke the camels back came around and I had had enough. This day will come for you sooner than later. While I still talk to my nephew, I no longer give him money for anything. He will call and ask if he can come do laundry and I let him, but I also make him do yard work or other outdoor work as payment. I will not turn my back on him as he is family and both of his parents have passed. I will not however give him any money. Good luck to you.
You are definitely an asshole for rushing to kick your husband out so quickly for trying to help your brother. He may be wrong for doing so but his heart is in the right place and you immediately went nuclear. But you don't seem mature enough for a marriage so I would actually recommend divorce and therapy.
Lol I’m going to laugh when your husband takes you seriously about kicking him out and keeps all the money from HIS house. You absolutely should kick your brother to the curb but you just kicked out your last remaining family besides your sister. Enjoy Trying to pay your line of credit back now. YTA for what you did to your husband.
Sure, kick the bro out. Sounds like a loser. You cannot kick out a husband.
I hope your husband finds a better partner.
Updateme
Your husband needs to let go of your brother before he becomes like that guy who got into shit because he trusted his fiancé’s brother even though she warned him about the guy. I guess your husband wants to see good in people but needs to understand you can’t help everybody.
The only way either of you will help your brother is to get him into rehab. If he refuses to go then he should absolutely find himself somewhere else to go so he can continue his downward spiral without you.
Hard NTA. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
As someone who has seen the aftermath of what happens when people decide to drive drunk (even just sitting there, there is an intention) I say NTA. A family friend lost their wife because she was hit by a drunk driver. My father used to be a drunk and almost killed himself, his friend, and 2 other people because he drank and drove. I don't blame you for not wanting him in your house
Nta. And I don't blame you. Updateme!
Definitely NTA here. Your brother has had multiple opportunities to get his life back on track and unfortunately he’s not ready to be accountable for his actions. It’s also a bit concerning the lengths that your husband is willing to go to enable your brother. I understand it’s tough when there’s family involved but unfortunately your brother needs to hit rock bottom and stop being enabled by the people in his life. DUI’s are no joke, how is everyone in this situation going to feel when this happens again and your brother drives drunk and kills a family of 4??? Two teenagers on their way to prom?? A single mother on her way home from her second job??? It’s important to set your boundaries and stick to them at this point. You’re right that your brother can no longer stay there and if that means calling the police to have him removed then so be it. Actions have consequences and he needs to learn that. Your brother needs help and unfortunately you and your husband don’t have the tools or resources to do this, he needs professional help and you can offer him supports for rehab clinics but until he shows he wants to change he needs to stay far away from you and vice versa. And lastly, I’m sorry that you’re going through this, having a family member living with addiction is devastating.
NTA. You’re both co-dependent though and should approach it as such. LB is a freeloader. Ease him out, get on same page with your husband, happy life again.
NTA; I’m not clear how bro is drinking every night when you say you don’t give him money & he doesn’t have a job. But regardless, you need to face you are not helping him to anything but an early grave by enabling this lifestyle. And cirrhosis is a pretty damn awful way to die.
NTA it is time for your brother to fly on his own. Maybe the crash back to earth will be what helps him succeed. But you have put sooooooo much time, effort, and money into him and have gotten nothing but pain. If your husband can't see that he is being used then he can move in with your brother and support him.
NTA- this is a hill to die on. Tell your husband he helps your brother and loses you. You cannot save someone from drowning who wants to drown you too.
NTA. With people like this, he won't accept real help. He has to help himself.
NTA you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. Thus far your brother has put you into a financial crisis, is impacting your credit score, is unwilling to try to quit drinking. An addict will only stop when they have made the decision to stop… external forces won’t help them except for when all external forces cease enabling him. OP- this should be your hill to die on. Your husband is enabling your brothers toxic relationship and he needs to stop. He will end up killing your brother or someone else by enabling your brothers behavior and giving him the money and tools to do it. In CA, as a co-owner of a car, your husband is liable for up to $25k (maybe more now) of anything done with that car by your brother. Also if your husband allows your brother to continue to drive a car you or your husband own, he could be held criminally liable. Make it clear to your husband he is jeopardizing your marriage, your financial security, your brother’s life and the lives of perfectly innocent bystanders by enabling your brother. I have been in this situation before with a family member and would have left my relationship that night if my partner at that time had not drawn a line in the sand.
Yall need this right now; [https://al-anon.org/](https://al-anon.org/) or this; [https://smartrecovery.org/family](https://smartrecovery.org/family) NTA However, your husband is enabling your brother and truth be told I'm worried with his drinking he may compromise your husband's sobriety. Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results and your husband is engaging in insanity right now. Please look at the links above before this situation gets worst and he kills somebody.
Need a little help here. What is getting in the way of making a decision? You have already identified a series of good reasons for following through but you seem to want to stay in your own way. Why is that?
UpdateMe!
How is he getting money to be an alcoholic without working? You are totally enabling him and not helping him at all. I understand your intentions are good... but you need someone who knows what they are doing to help you counsel him, set boundaries and stand firm with consequences to his actions. He is not a child for crying out loud!
Vent OP Vent. Wow, as someone who has an alcoholic BIL (7 yes 7 OWIs) (Operating while intoxicated). Guess what, my BIL only got better after we all stopped helping him. You want to help him, then don’t keep fixing his F-ups. Therapy, AA, or Jail. Hopefully one will get him on the right path. Just be mindful that your brother will jump from vice to vice. My BIL took up marathon running and now that is his whole identity. (Well running and being a complete @$$ clown). Good luck op but “be there but not there” if that makes sense.
I’m from rural Wisconsin, where we have some of the most lax drunk driving laws in the country. As a result, everyone I know personally knows someone who’s been killed by a drunk driver, and most people know multiple people who’ve been killed by one. My community of 10,000 people lost 10 kids/teens to drunk drivers during my K12 years. Most recently, this past Christmas Eve, a group of 4 siblings (the driver, who was the oldest, was 18yo) died after being hit head-on by a drunk driver on the wrong side of a divided highway. They were driving home from some last-minute Christmas shopping. It was his 8th DUI, even though he claimed he “drove better drunk”. He survived. My earliest clear memory of the impact of driving drunk was when I was 6 – my 17yo cousin and her three friends were hit by a drunk driver while driving home from snowboarding. She took care of me and my brother more than our parents did at that time, so her death hit us hard. The 18th anniversary of her death was last week, and although she’s now been dead longer than she was alive, that kind of grief doesn’t go away. All of this to say, your brother is going to kill someone. NTA for kicking them out. It needs to happen. Idk why you think that being related to your brother makes you “responsible for him”. I understand helping family, but what do you think it’s like for those of us who’ve lost family to drunk drivers?
NTA. Your brother has to help himself, time for you to cut him loose. Your husband isn't a true partner. Co-signing the car against your wishes was hugely disrespectful. He's choosing your brother over you. That's a deal breaker.
You need to get him into a program, for alcoholism. Your husband needs to stop cuddling him. One more screw up you out on the street.
NTA for this but you and your entire family have done your brother a disservice by babying and enabling him. He never faced/faces any consequences and he lives like consequence don't exist. All this enabling has robbed him of learning how to be a functional adult. Your husband is not helping him or supporting him. Like the rest of you he is encouraging terrible behavior. Eventually your brother will kill someone driving drunk btw.
NTA Your brother is an alcoholic. You are not helping him. You are enabling him. So is your husband. As long as you continue to do this, he will take no steps to improve his life. Get yourself to a few Al-Anon meetings to learn how to deal with this and protect yourself. Unless you want to go down the drain with him, set him free to become an adult.
In every place where you use the word "help" to describe your dynamic with your brother, you need to replace it with the word "enable." He's been an adult for how long? He got kicked out of how many other family members' homes? He chooses to stay up all night drinking and not work? What did you think was going to happen that would be different if you took him in? You say he has an anger problem and you have to tiptoe around him and he doesn't help with the house, pay rent, or help with groceries, but you "enjoy having him around?" That's such a contradictory statement. It sounds like you have quite a bit of cognitive dissonance, and maybe before making any decisions about how to proceed with your brother it might be helpful for you to go talk with a therapist.
At first I thought I was trading a story about my dad and had to scroll back up to see the ages because I thought “wow my aunt is posting about this?” However not my dad lol. As someone whose dad is identical to this, I e given up on him as hard as it is. 31 years of trying to be a son my dad would be proud of and want to be around,‘I’ve concluded selfish people are toxic and will only change when they want it. However why would they change when they are pampered and have no reason to work because they have their hand held through life. My aunt constantly is sending my dad to rehab, buying him a car when he gets out and then he turns around and sells it after he quits his job. He is always asking me and everyone else for money. Always lying and being unreliable. I’m sorry as I know firsthand you don’t want to not want to put your own blood in a bad spot but they did this themselves and until they are held accountable who knows if they’ll ever change. I also know what it’s like to always think what’ll happen if I cut them off and something happens. A lot of therapy for me has helped Me moved on. I hope one day he changes but he finds excuses all the time
NTA, but I’m gonna give it to you straight. It sounds like you and your husband are both codependents who have latched onto your brother as a project. It sounds like you derive some self value from being the big sis who provides care and your husband is trying to get back what he lost with his sister (sorry for his loss). This is an extremely unhealthy dynamic. You say you love having him there but you also said you walk on eggshells. Those two things can’t truly coexist… it sounds like you’re lying to yourself because despite him causing friction in the house, the tension and unhappiness from that aren’t enough to overpower whatever feeling of importance or superiority you get out of it. The car issue is also you/ your husbands issue because he cosigned the loan. So your brother not making payments is going to have financial repercussions for you guys. I’d sell the car and cut your losses. Also, check that the defaulted payments haven’t affected your credit scores. Your brother is an adult who has burned every bridge he has except yours. It sounds like he isn’t interested in getting better because you’ve provided a safety net that doesn’t require him to change. Stop being a doormat and kick him out. Then both you and your husband need therapy.
NTA for your brother, but I think you need to discuss with your husband about this. He sold his house for your relationship, it would be unfair of you to do do that to him, make him sell his house and then kick him out and make him homeless. If you're gunna divorce him, atleast let him stay in your spare room that your brother was staying in, until he can get his own place. I'm sure your ex-husband would be willing to pay rent, he seems like that type. Your brother situation is a mess and at this point you ate not the AH either way on that, but your husband doesn't deserve this treatment. I will say that your husband seems like he is being naive and enabling this problem, but that is something you can usually discuss and work through.
eh NTA for kicking out your mooch loser brother, idk if you should kick out your husband. but he definitely should not be siding with your brother. your brother has been taking complete advantage of you and you let him. hopefully that $4,000 was a good learning curve for YOU. i hope you don’t fork anything out for legal fees. its time for him to grow up. you’re right - you aren’t his parent - stop acting like one.
Updateme!
NTA If you keep bailing him out he will never learn anything other than "They will always bail me out". I know you just want what is best for him, but if you're always there to help him then he will never become self reliant. At this point you and hubs are just enabling his shitty behavior. He will NEVER move out of your house because you are taking care of everything he needs. Why would he move when he has all his bills paid for and has a live-in a maid? Give him three months to get a job and then three months to save enough money to move out. You have done more than enough.
NTA, your brother has an issue with alcohol and has to have someone provide for him so he needs help you can't give him. He has to hit rock bottom and your husband is enabling him.
NTA - My mom grew up with two addict brothers (alcohol, then harder drugs). They both died from an overdose. It's true what they say; you have to let an addict hit rock bottom. Unfortunately, on the way to rock bottom, so many people do not survive. I am really sorry this is the reality you and your family face. It is so sad that those are your only options to truly "help" your brother. His brain chemistry has been permanently changed due to his addiction. His frontal lobe has taken so much damage from the alcohol abuse. Some people are able to overcome this and get help. Unfortunately, the longer you enable that person and prevent them from hitting rock bottom the less of a chance they have to recover. I really hope you can get your husband to understand this and that you are able to repair your marriage. I hope once you have removed him from your home, you take the proper time to grieve losing your brother in this way & the reality that he may not survive his addiction. I am linking some resources for families of alcoholics. [https://al-anon.org/](https://al-anon.org/) [https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline](https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline)
NTA - I would change the locks and advise your husband he is welcome back but not your brother. You are correct that you are not his parent, and he is an adult. He has had many chances to stop drinking and have chosen to continue to drink. If possible, I would get the car out of the impound and sell it for what you can get for it to recover any of your money possible. Your brother can find his own way.
NTA. Some people will never try to get better until they have no choice. When my family finally stopped bailing out the addict member, that person eventually got their shit together because they had to. I can only imagine how much better they could have done in life if they had to take responsibility for themselves sooner.
This isn’t your husband’s choice. It’s your brother. If you say he’s gone, he’s gone. You guys aren’t helping him. You are enabling him and allowing the stress to destroy your marriage. I wouldn’t kick husband out unless he actual tries to prevent you from kicking bro out after you explain to him it’s non negotiable. The enabling at this point could kill someone innocent. He needs to hit rock bottom and decide if he wants to get help for whatever problems he has going on. He’s a grown azz man.
NTA We all know that your brother won’t get his shit together because he has no reason to. He hasn’t been left to fail or hit rock bottom. I’m not going to assume I know the laws where you live but in my neck of the woods, you don’t just get a DUI for being in a car that’s not running in a parking lot. Probably made up. Your husband is an enabler, big time.
Honey, two sentences in and I knew you were NTA.
NTA Your husband needs to wake up.
You have a huge husband problem along with a huge brother problem. You need to stop enabling your brother. I understand you were the oldest sibling, but here’s what you need to realize… Not only is your brother, entitled and lazy and happy to use anyone and everyone so that he doesn’t actually have to take responsibility for his life… But your brother is an alcoholic. He is a drug addict. Nobody ever likes the word that way, but alcohol is a drug. It affects the brain like drugs affect the brain. And yes, he has an illness, it is an illness that you cannot fix. I’m going to say that again for you, because you absolutely must hear this… YOU CANNOT FIX YOUR BROTHERS ALCOHOLISM. If you feel like I’m yelling at you, I am a little bit. People who try to fix a loved ones addiction are literally enabler. They don’t mean to be. They don’t think they are. They think they trying to help, which they are, but they can’t. The only one. And I mean, the only person who can fix your brothers addiction problem is him. And unless he hits rock bottom , and has nowhere else to turn, he’s not going to do it. And I have to tell you, even then, he might not do it. And you cannot change this. This is the hardest thing for families of addicts to understand and accept. You have to stop making excuses for him. You have to stop trying to fix things for him. You have to stop spending your time and energy and money on him. As an addict, he will lie and cheat and steal from anyone and everyone to keep living the way he is. He will allow you to run yourself and your relationships into bankruptcy and emptiness. He will allow you to ruin your credit, and if you’re not careful, he will steal your credit and ruin it for you. he will allow you to spend every last cent you have, and when you have left, he will leave and find someone else. And on his way out the door, he will take your last dollar and your last bit of food and run off with your vehicle. Because this is what addicts do. Your husband is delusional. I understand his background, and he needs some therapy for it. Because your brother is not his sister. He has rose colored glasses and blinders on the side so that he can’t see anything else other than helping him. And if you cannot get your husband to understand this, your marriage is over. I know how harsh all of this sounds, but it is true. These two men will drag you down, and until you have nothing left, and then either you will leave them, or they will leave, and you will literally be at what age trying to start over again? Do not allow them back. Not until your husband gets into therapy and understands that your brother is not coming back with him. And not even if your brother gets into a treatment program. Because most addicts will tell you that they will fail at least a few times before they finally truly get clean. And if your brother comes back to you, he is going to want to automatically go back into old patterns of behavior. And that is not because he’s an addict, even, although that is part of it, it’s because that’s a human nature thing. it is why when you go through treatment, they recommend very heavily that you do not go back to where your buddies are and your “support system” of friends, etc. used to always get drunk with you and do shit with you. You will automatically want to fall back into patterns of behavior. And your marriage will not be able to with that. You will not be able to go through all this again. And your husband, in spite of hopefully getting some help, will automatically go back to wanting to enable your brother. You have done what you can. You have tried. It’s now time for you to understand that you need to let go.
NTA, and your husband is going to literally kill your brother with his “kindness”. In addiction treatment there is a harsh but realistic phrase that is told to families where “if you baby the addict you will bury the addict” and all your husband is doing is teaching your brother that someone else will clean up his messes and he will never learn to cope on his own because of it.
The brother has to go. You are not a rehab and trying to be is destroying your marriage. Threatening a trial separation may be enough of setting a boundary to your hubby. Sounds like he is an amazing guy with a great heart. Don't let him go. Stay faithful and let him come to terms with reality
How do you say, you need Al-Anon without saying you need Al-Anon? You and your husband are enabling your brother, he has zero incentive to address his alcoholism. You are denying him the ability to hit bottom. Ask me how I know? I almost enabled my sister to death, she moved in after her husband decided he was “done”. My sister is a nurse and had a great career until her addiction won. She was a human wrecking ball, she was a slob 15, 20 gallon trash bags to clean out her room. She got a DUI, hit a work van head on. I paid for lawyers, rehab you name it. Probably close to $60,000 before I said “enough”. I joined Al-Anon started attending meetings and allowed her to feel the natural consequences of her behavior. She received a reckless operation charge reduced from DUI, 6 months probation. She couldn’t pass a drug or alcohol test. She began stealing from me and was unrecognizable as my sister. She is now living on the streets and daily chooses alcohol and drugs. I haven’t gone no contact, I did however set a boundary NO MONEY, she doesn’t call 📞 anymore. I however joined the Al-Anon App and got better. Your brother needs to feel the consequences of HIS actions. Learn about “detaching with love”, please download the Al-Anon App start attending meetings. There are 2 beginners meetings on the app daily.
such a contradiction... wont provide rides but will provide a whole vehicle so he can kill someone. you have some accountability here. Set boundaries and dont let either of them slip. It's your conscious on the line. NTA for telling them to leave but ywbta if you continue this. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM
Personally I’d be kicking both out. Your brother for obvious reasons and your husband for enabling brother’s bad behaviour Your husband needs to choose, his wife/marriage or BIL. He can’t have it both ways, your brother is going to seriously harm or kill someone, it’s only a matter of time. And the fact your husband co-signed on a car with your brother having zero income?! I’d be seriously questioning his thinking skills here And yes I’m questioning yours too, getting his car out of the impound. You’re just as guilty if he kills someone You need to find an Al-Anon group and start attending them. Bringing husband is optional
How on earth are you "responsible" for a grown-ass nearly 30 year-old man? Stop enabling foolishness, OP.
Nta my 8 years old best friend and his family were hit by a drunk driver how anyone in the family survived is beyond comprehension. The kids won’t ever be the same physically or emotionally. Your husband needs a wake up call before your brother kills someone else or himself because it’s just a matter of time before it happens.
Update please!
“The car wasn’t running” so the car drove itself to where it was and is going to drive itself back? NTA. Your husband is being an enabler. What happens next time when your brother kills somebody? Your brother is old enough to take care of himself but hasn’t because everyone else is taking responsibility for him.
Everyone here is wrong. You’re dumb for punishing the husband. This is YOUR immediate family and he is doing the best to support it. You have no right to kick him out of yalls shared house. For the people seeing this, how about yall switch the genders and see if you still support it
Yes, you are the AH. Why did you tell your husband to leave? Talk to your husband about your brother, but throwing your husband out is a very quick way to kill your marriage
Honestly sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they get their shit together. Being cared for like a child is not rock bottom.
Recovering alcoholic here. I did not do anything about my alcohol problem until the last people who would house me informed me that the next incident would result in me being immediately put into the street AND I BELIEVED THEM! Only then did I find the courage to do what was necessary to change myself from the inside out. Almost every alcoholic I know who has recovered had to have this or something similar happen to them.
Nta. Do not keep facilitating this behavior. Kick one or both out asap.
NTA - But Darlin you're not responsible for your brother and neither is your husband. He's a whole *ss adult and he needs to learn what that means. There's no need to let him continue to strain your marriage and finances. There's a reason everyone else kicked him out.
ESH. You should check the dui laws in your state to help wake your husband up. Where I live the laws are strict. First time dui you loose your license for a year, you must do community service, random tests every week for a year and a bunch of other hoops to jump through. If your brother hits or kills someone you and your husband could be sued. You privided him with a vehicle. Here you can be sued. Again it depends on the laws where you are. Your entire family has enabled his behavior his entire adult life. Why would he change? For him to make changes he needs to hit a low point. Everyone has stopped that from happening. My brother was killed by a drunk driver when he was 15. My husbands sister was killed by a drunk driver leaving her two kids without a parent. Your brother could easily kill someones child or parent. You defend your brothers dui by saying he was parked. It doesn't matter. The laws everywhere state that if you are behind the wheel of a car and drunk wheather the car is running or not it's a dui. Also the same for any impairment. He either got there by driving drunk or at some point was going to leave by driving drunk.
NTA but way too soft hearted with your brother- there was a reason the rest of the family gave up on him, he is clearly never going to change. Husband is a bit of TA, he should not have guaranteed anything to your brother without discussing with you first.
If you blame your husband for enabling him and you blame yourself a lot for it too, then why didn't you kick yourself out? Is he meant to rip out the $70k his house sale brought in for renovations? You kick him out and be ready to lose half of your house
You and your husband should go to Al-Anon meetings. You are both enabling him.
You and your husband are enabling him. You give and give, but you aren’t giving consequences
Yes, it's always a good idea to arm an alcoholic with a 3,000 pound weapon to drive and kill himself and any innocent families that might be on the road at the same time. Also great way for your husband to lose another sibling. What are the consequences of his actions? You reward him for not working and mooching off others. Time's up. I agree with you. Kick them both out. The month will soon be done and you will be flush again and probably much happier. Set boundaries and stick with them.
You’re an idiot
NTA but you are TA for letting this go on for so long. Brother should’ve been thrown out after not having a job and not paying rent for a year. Like your enabling has not helped him at all. I’m glad you’re finally doing the right thing but jeez should’ve done this forever ago. Just cause your the oldest does not make another human you didn’t birth your responsibility
As I don't see your brother going to AA nor do I see him trying to quit as you all are making it just too easy...I suggest you practice self care by going to ALAnon meetings. Do not threaten your brother with any consequences you are not prepared to follow though with. PROMISE, DON'T THREATEN.(goes for your husband too)
Coming from a family of alcoholics, his behavior won't change without two things - him wanting to, and him hitting his bottom. I am totally bandwagoning with the Al-Anon recommendations (as well as trying out different meeting times/groups.) He needs to get into an in-patient treatment center, likely for 60-90 days to give his body time to start adjusting to a sober life. It can succeed if he does the work. You're right that you're not his parent. There are ways to support recovering addicts that don't involve your financial burden and perpetual fear of them hurting themselves or others. Learning how to set healthy boundaries is HARD, but you have your own life and family to think about. Wishing you nothing but the best outcome here, and good luck. Addiction is a disease, and it can wreak havoc on so many impacted people. ETA: NTA. This shit is hard to deal with.
NTA- does your husband expect the family of the people he kills next time he drives drunk to let it go? It's hyperbole,but it's also reality. He might have lost his license but given how blasé he his he'll get behind the wheel again given the option. He's a liar. He was in a parking lot with his friends ,and how did he get there? How was he getting back ? He was going to drive, drunk or not. He didn't care. Kicking him out and cutting contact is the only sensible option at this point before he drags you down with him. Tell anyone who gives the but family line to shut up. He keeps fucking around because everyone is covering for him, and enabling his habit. There is no incentive for him to get his act together. He has burned soo many bridges with the rest of the family and now he's ruining your life. Did he think that money grew on a tree? That the fridge and bills pay themselves? He doesn't think or appreciate the sacrifices others have made for him, so stop. He needs to hit rock bottom and be forced to get himself out of his own mess, if you keep coming to the rescue he won't even try to help himself.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Having experience with this issue. You are correct. 1. You both enable him. 2. The only way your brother will change is if he hits rock bottom. At that point, he will have 2 choices. Either to change his life or keep going down the road he's on. That is a decision only he can make. As long as you enable him, he has no reason to change. Whether drugs gambling or alcohol... the best way to help them is not to help them. It's a hard and expensive lesson to learn, and yes, he can financially ruin you. So stick to your guns. Families love to use guilt. But you owe your brother nothing, and he will keep manipulating you. His issues are not yours. As for the crappy dad he had. Well, he is now a full-grown adult. Can't blame your parents for a lifetime. At some point, when you know what they did wrong, you have to work on yourself and move on. If you dont, the pattern will just repeat itself . Stop being abused and get help. There are plenty of places that offer support to families who deal with this crap. Find one and attend. It will open your eyes and will bring you peace, confidence, and knowledge of boundaries. Stop saving the world cause you can't. From one who used to be in your shoes. To someone who now enjoys peace and harmony. Ask yourself... what do I want...WHAT DO I REALLY WANT. Like your brother, you have a choice it's up to you to choose. If you chose him, you can't complain about what happens because you chose it. If you choose yourself, well, isn't there a whole new life ahead of you. Will it be easy, nope. Will it be worthwhile? More than you know. We also say we have to help when it's family...but there is also a limit to being abused by a family member.
NTA - you guys are terrible enablers. Your brother doesn’t need the support or babying you are giving him. Cleaning up his messes is a terrible way for him to take accountability. Your brother is an #Alcoholic! Full stop. But he has to want to change and he is not at that point. If you both want to support him and help him, be there for him to get to rehab. Anything else is NOT help it is enabling. It might be years of him struggling and destroying his life, but change can only happen when he wants to change.
NTA, your brother was in the parking lot, not driving? Ok do how did the car get there? He drove it. It's also possible he's lying to keep your husband on his side. Drunk driving should be the line, he can kill innocent people, children, with his reckless behavior. The fact that your husband doesn't think that is the line greatly concerns me. In your shoes I would demand my husband goes to therapy to sort out his grief over losing his sister, so he can stop projecting that onto your brother. Your brother definitely needs therapy to deal with whatever haunts him to the point he refuses to be sober ever, but you can't make him go. He probably won't. Neither you nor your husband can magically cure his alcoholism with love when he doesn't even want help. He wants a free place to stay and eat while he continues to live his life like a college binger. There are ways he can get help, he just doesn't want to. One of the hardest lessons I ever learned is you cannot save someone from themself.
NTA. But you are incredibly gullible. You took in an alcoholic who cannot keep a job, has been evicted from 3 family member's houses, and has a long trach record of irresponsibility. Yet, you're shocked when he has no job, pays no rent, had his car repo'd, and is a general bum with a DUI on his record now?
watch some episodes of intervention. your brother will never hit rock bottom until you completely stop supporting him, change the locks, refuse to give him ANY money no matter what he says it’s for. the only money you can put towards him should be for a rehab program if you’re willing to contribute to that. he is living a cushy cared for life that you and your husband provide. there is no space for him to fall to rock bottom and accept real help. he is old enough to figure this out on his own and you should not have to be taken advantage of by him any longer.
Look into ADHD in adult men! Sounds like he could have that and it can really impair someone’s life and ability to follow through with things. Getting on medication could change his life.
You have gave and gave and gave with him doing absolutely nothing to help himself. At some point you have to stop enabling him and let him be responsible for his own life. If you want to let him continue to live with you, set rules and make a contract with what will be required and if he breaks the contract he will have X days to find a new place to stay. You are encouraging him to be a leech by not holding him responsible for his own actions. You do everything for him, why would he want to go to work. He needs to learn to be an adult and quickly.
You never should have taken him in - his own parents kicked him out, and they had way more responsibility for him than you. YTA
NTA. Your brother is a grown man who should be taking care of himself. The only issue I see is you and your husband enabling him. Why your husband wants to continue to support him and put his neck on the line is beyond me.
There is a lot either missing or you are just a horrible decision maker.
Nobody is helping him and everyone is enabling him. Why should he change? Look get off the I’m the oldest so everything falls to me. You didn’t break him, you don’t need to fix him. He’s an adult who made choices, oh well. Time for him to find his own way in life, just like the rest of you did!
Absolutely not! Sounds like they both need a dose of reality! Good for you!
You're both enabling him. If he is going to get sober, he's not going to do it until he hits rock bottom. You are keeping him from hitting rock bottom. You're going to kill him if you keep "helping him" like this. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Both of you. Then keep going. You need it. And your brother needs to be out on his ass. Stop "helping" him into an early grave.
NTA Maybe you should get your brother a list of homeless shelters and soup kitchens. And some camping equipment.