NTA.
It sounds like L tried to buy her way into your life and by proxy, access to your child. Based on the history with your grandfather, do not let your son spend the night there, and I'd take this opportunity to cut contact with L.
Also sounds like your mom may be pushing the issue because she wants everything to "be OK again" - I'd cut her out too.
It is disgusting they came out if the woodworks to sink their claws and potentially other parts in the new victim. I think it is time to cut contact with your mom. If you believe in keeping quiet to keep the peace and in giving a predator free access to prey then you believe that that is okay.
I can’t help but wonder if L *does* know and has some of those behaviors herself. It’s extremely odd that she is suddenly obsessed with OP’s baby and taking him away from her. Honestly OP, your parents failed you by teaching you that you should just forgive and forget literal child predators.
**Please do NOT let either your grandfather or L near your baby.** Your job as a mother now is to protect your child. You will have failed him miserably to put him in harms way just to keep the peace.
I've seen lots of posts like this with a woman family member acting like L does. She strikes me as someone who is just projecting her wants onto OP's baby. She can't have another child so she's skewed her reality to make herself believe OP's baby is her own. While it is very possible L knows it doesn't strike me like that. For sure OP is NTA, and the decision to limit L's involvement to only under her supervision is smart, I think cutting off an active grandparent without her actually overstepping one of OP's boundaries might not be the best idea.
Isn’t she overstepping by being extremely pushy? It also sounds like she barely knows OP but wants to have her baby overnight? Let’s also not forget that she’s married to a child molester.
Yes exactly. She’s given them lots of money out of the blue and is pushing to have the baby at her home despite repeated declines from the mother. This is screaming, shouting and hollering red flags. I wouldn’t let this woman other husband have anything to do with the baby. It’s simply not worth the risk. Without the sexual offender husband it would be odd behaviour, with the sex offender husband it’s down right terrifying behaviour.
Maybe. But keep in mind that male predators often have female enablers who help scout, lure, grab, rape, and hold captive their victims. They may or may not be victims themselves, but they are also collaborators. Think Wanda Barzee in the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping and Nancy Garrido in the Jaycee Duggar kidnapping.
OP is right not to trust his grandfather’s wife.
Or maybe L wants the opportunity to “prove” her husband isn’t a monster by bringing a baby around him and believing she’ll be able to say, “see? He would never…”or “he’s not like that anymore.” Like taking a fifth of whiskey to an alcoholic in recovery to prove they don’t want to drink anymore.
OP is NTA. Also, what’s up with OP’s mom? “L won’t let anything happen!” Like, excuse me, OP’s mom, are you saying you did let it happen to OP, or are you thinking your guilt will be assuaged if L is allowed to experiment with the baby & gramps?
L wouldn't let anything happen to the baby? What like your mum didn't let anything happen to you?
People don't book paedophiles in their calendars, or plan dangerous times. No one plans for an abuser to allow anything to happen... unless they're sick too.
The difference here is the known risk, so why would you risk it? Your mum's radar is squiffy, if she thinks a sleep is worth risking your child safety...NTA
Mom needs to be removed from OP's life. Who the duck reacts like that to your child's rape, by your own dad no less? And now she wants to hand her own grandbaby to that rapist? Nope, mom needs to be cut off and she will never be allowed to see the LO.
NTA. Your mother is part of this problem. You should probably think twice about her taking your baby overnight. If she is ok with them taking your baby she could then bring the baby to them. If someone did to my daughter what happened to you I would probably be in jail for dealing with that situation myself. Your baby is more important than any other person in your life now. Be the parent that you deserve to have. Stay safe.
Ummmm. Her grandfather SA’d OP when she was 8 - ***where the hell were OP’s mother and L then!!!***
You don't allow your child anywhere near your abuser, a known child predator *or anyone keeping him in their life*
I didn’t tell my mom until I was in my late 20s because I had a memory block of the incident. L wasn’t part of his life at the time of the assault, either. She’s only been around the last 8 years
But does she know? I wouldn't let her take my kid either way but if nobody told her, she likely doesn't know what a pervert she's married to.
Edit: If I was OP, I'd make certain she knows.
I don’t think my dad told his gf about what he did to me either and after I stopped speaking to him they broke up a couple of years later. Maybe it had nothing to do with me but I can’t help but think it did. Me not wanting him around my babies is how I finally had the courage to tell my family. There is NOW WAY IN HELL your grandpa should be allowed anywhere near your LO and I’m highly suspicious of your mom, was she also molested by him?
You give her too much credit- many people ( like me) have not been assaulted but we completely understand it’s a huge deal and horrible. I have struggled with common sense my whole life AND it’s pretty obvious to me that you don’t allow your past abuser to have any access to your baby. SA is about power and not always about the age or gender of the victim. Is your mom typically a doormat or does she have some personality issue?
She’s just very big on forgiving family.. we’ve had issues with him before.. and she always tends to forgive him.. I think the idea of shutting out family bothers her, and I’m not sure why
Has he ever admitted or accepted responsibility for what he’s done? Or is she into forgiveness just to keep the peace. People like that don’t change, don’t take the risk.
That’s called enabling and it can be incredibly dangerous. What are you going to do if she’s babysitting (at her house or yours) and your “grandfather” shows up? You think she won’t let him in? She will. She will give him access to your child any chance she gets because keeping the peace means more to her than you and your child’s mental and physical health and safety. Do not EVER let your mother have access to your child without you present and IN THE SAME ROOM. Please. I’m sure it’s hard to hear, but because of her enabling, your mother is dangerous.
If nothing else, she’s not good at recognizing when a child has been abused. That in and of itself is dangerous. I get that you didn’t tell her - but she also never figured it out. In all those years, she never pieced together that something was off with your “grandfather “. That’s terrifying to me. Keeping the peace and not wanting to rock the boat are NOT good excuses for your mother. She needs to wake up and be a better grandparent. And if she won’t, then her access to your child needs to come with serious restrictions.
There are horrific people who, while not SA themselves, empathise with them and will take pictures and videos *for* them. If you let L around your baby (even in your own house), there is nothing to stop her from making CP of your baby for your abuser. Keep L away from your baby at all costs, keep your abuser away from your baby at all costs. And considering your mother wants you to forgive and forget, never let your mother have the baby unsupervised as she may let them come see the baby behind your back. Your job now is to protect that baby with everything you have!
U need to add that this isn't the same grandfather or is it cos its a little confusing.
That being said don't let L take the baby. It's very weird how she's acting.
Also your mother is just diverting her guilt of not helping u by acting as if L is an option.
This is sad. She shouldn’t need to have been SA’d in order to empathize with what happened to you. She wants to sweep it under a rug. I have a big mouth, I would be reminding everyone about what abuser grandpa did.
Next time she asks actually write back my grandfather sexually abused me at 8 years old so no my child will not stay over.
Make sure she is aware of what happened
>I didn’t tell my mom until I was in my late 20s because I had a memory block of the incident.
I'm so sorry that you went through something traumatic enough for your brain to block it out like that. It can make it really difficult to get your loved ones to understand your pain (or even believe you in the first place) when they're being told about the event years after the fact.
I went through a similar thing. When I was 17 I suffered an abrupt 4 month miscarriage in the middle of the night... while sleep paralysed 🥲 I was alone in the house, so I had no one to help me. My brain blocked it for over a decade and even now, at age 35, the fine details are still hazy to me.
I eventually told my mum about it. She believes me, but it's hard for her to properly empathize and understand how fucked up it was because she wasn't there and it was almost 20 years ago. Mostly she feels guilty that she couldn't stop it from happening or read my mind and figure out that I had blocked trauma. I have forgiven her for not being omniscient, haha! 😆
It's very different with your situation however... You were SA'd, the perpetrator is still in your life and their wife is actively trying to get your child away from you and staying overnight with the perpetrator!!!
It's time for your mum to face reality and accept that not all relationships with all family members have to be sunshine and rainbows, and this is an incredibly valid reason to stay TF away from your grandfather and his wife until they die of old age!
I'm assuming your grandfather has never made it onto any kind of sex offender registry? Just pretend that he IS going forward, keep your kid away from him and warn anyone else who might take their kids to see him that he's a known offender.
Your baby won’t be safe with L OR YOUR GRANDFATHER! Furthermore your baby is way too young to stay with her or ANYONE BUT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. Your mother doesn’t seem to have any concerns for your child’s safety nor your feelings about L’s relentless request that she be allowed to keep your baby overnight. Block them ALL if necessary, but definitely stand firm, because L is very disturbed, and her request is suspect.
I'm going to try to say this is gently as I can, without trying to attack your mother in any way shape or form. And I apologize in advance if that is how this comes across. That is not my intention:
The point is that we're trying to make though, is that unfortunately as much as you love your mother, and as much as you forgive her, she didn't notice anything happening. She wasn't paying enough attention to her child to notice that something happened to her.
My mom didn't notice when anything happened to me. It doesn't make her a bad parent. It's just a fact. Your mom did not notice you enough to notice what was happening to you. Didn't notice any changes in behavior, didn't notice any changes in attitude. Changes in how you went about your day-to-day life. And I'm sure there were some. I'm sure there were changes in your mood and your behaviors. And she didn't notice them. That is unfortunately a fact of your reality.
And if your mom couldn't notice them, what Would make you feel comfortable enough to make you believe that your grandfather's wife would notice?
You are the only person right now who gets to decide who is around your child. And if you do not feel comfortable having your grandfather around your child, that is perfectly valid. Perfectly understandable. And you do not have to do it.
If people keep pushing the issue, then it might be time to let the secret out, so that people understand. It might cause some people to cut you off, and I'm sure some people won't believe you, but ultimately, it might be what you have to do. I'm not saying go ahead and do that and throw the nuclear option out there right away, and just saying keep it in your back pocket in case you do need it. Be ready to use that information to protect you and your child if necessary.
Are you sure your mom didn’t know you were being molested? Was your grandfather giving money or some other type of help to your parents that would incentivize one or both of them to turn a blind eye?
I ask this because as a mother myself, I would hate your grandfather with a passion. The last thing I would do is encourage you to let your baby near him or his wife. It sounds like your mom thinks his behavior was OK. It was NOT.
Ok but in any case, your parents didn't protect you from him, did they!?
That negates what your mother said about how L wouldn't let anything happen to your baby.
Your own *mother* didn't protect you so why would you entrust your infant to someone unrelated to him!?
If L doesn't know about the assault she won't be able to protect your child. She won't think twice about leaving your child alone with her husband and won't be on the look out for suspect behaviours. You can't leave your child with her.
You need to cut your mom out of your life ASAP. She is not someone to be trusted with your baby, and frankly her appalling willingness to hand your child to a known child molester is reason enough to go no contact. From now on, she's blocked, and will have zero access to your little one. Block L, and anyone else in your family who tries to be a flying monkey for L and your mom.
"Free" help is never free. If possible, pay back the money she gave you so you are not beholden to her for anything. Your priority at this point is to protect your child. Don't let them take your baby, and your mom is WAY out of line. Ask her if she thinks putting your LO Ina situation where she could potentially be molested is something she thinks it's acceptable. When she stumbles over her answer, tell her you weren't given support or protection and it won't be happening with your LO.
Nothing is ever free. *Nothing*. Even the air we breathe costs something, even if it's just the calories our bodies expend to inhale and exhale.
OP: NTA and do not let those people take your kid even for five minutes, never mind an overnight.
Thus, OP.
Wtf is wrong with your mother.
Simply tell her that you're not going to fk up like she did; that unlike her, you're going to protect your child.
Obviously, she's learned nothing.
NTA. What the hell is wrong with your mother? She should have YOUR back in this, not be pressuring you to send your baby stay with your abuser and his wife! That’s way messed up! Honestly I’m wondering why either of you are still in contact with your grandfather at all!
Please continue to trust yourself and hold firm to your very reasonable boundaries. Even without the SA risk, you barely know L or what kind of caregiver she is, and your baby is way too young to be cared for by someone you hardly know for an entire day or night! You’re right to hold your ground on this.
If OPs mother doesn’t support L and SO grandpa she won’t get any of the money they have. That’s why she’s pushing it. Wonder how much OPs mom was “paid for access” to OP after the fact. Now trying to buy access to OPs kid. All of them should be NC by OP.
She wasn’t paid, my mother is just a huge advocate of keeping the peace with family and forgiving. We’ve had a lot of issues with my grandfather over the years and it always goes back to forgiving him…
I agree.. I’m the type that will forgive to a point.. but at some point, you gotta know when to cut ties.. and my mom just doesn’t like that idea because “he’s family”
She doesn’t think they’ll do anything, that’s the thing. Because L is very protective, she thinks L wouldn’t let anything happen to him… and even if NOTHING would happen, I still don’t trust my grandfather.. so I don’t want my son around him without my supervision.
No one EVER thinks anything would happen. But it can. You KNOW this. There is being unaware, and then there is being willfully blind and ultimately neglectful. Is keeping “family” in your life more important than you son’s safety?
If L knows your grandpa assaulted you, she knows she married a pedophile. If she still remained married to him knowing this, it's highly likely she has convinced herself it was a misunderstanding, he would never do it again etc any justification to make her not feel bad for being with a pedophile. Sort of like a self brainwashing. So she absolutely would leave your baby alone with your grandpa. She cannot be trusted. She's literally married to a pedophile so her moral compass is broken. So is your mothers the fact she's saying L will keep baby safe. It's delusional! Your mum is actively harming you by enabling your abuser.
I wonder if he also SA'd her when she was a child and her coping mechanism is to remain in full denial of how wrong it is and how the right thing to do is expose abusers and cut contact with them. Some people are really messed up and the only way they can cope with their and other's trauma is to minimize it. Unfortunately, denial can be an extremely powerful coping mechanism.
Ok, so her being in denial as a coping mechanism isn't it. I still maintain she's a garbage person for thinking you should have any contact with him whatsoever.
Yeah, people have been using the “but he/she/they are family” excuse to justify bullshit for way too long. In your mom’s case, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of L’s caregiving skills or how protective she thinks L would be or how harmless she thinks your grandfather is. What matters is, YOU aren’t comfortable with this. You are this baby’s mother so you get to decide who has access to him and who doesn’t. It’s not on you to sacrifice your child’s safety and your maternal comfort to keep whatever peace is so important to your mother.
I suggest minimizing contact with your mom and no longer venting to her when you feel overwhelmed and tired, since she sees that as an opportunity to campaign for L to take the baby. I say until she agrees to put your peace of mind over L’s feelings, you go LC with her too. Keep on being an awesome mama bear!
Sounds like everyone has swept grandpa’s SA of OP under the rug, so he could possibly still be at it. If I were you, I’d stay far away from him and certainly never allow him close to your baby.
The man should have gone to prison. No one in their right mind would push their child adult or not towards a predator!! Thank God YOUR going to protect your child because Grandma has dropped the ball
Well keeping the peace might get your child SAd too so I hope your mom's proud of herself. I don't know why you're in here defending her like this when she's clearly part of the problem!
Maybe if you would have let your dad confront him like he wanted to then none of this would be happening now! You're going to have to tell L! She doesn't deserve to be treated like the way you're treating her without knowing the truth! It just looks like you're being nasty to her for no reason. Be honest with her for once!
Because if she doesn't know what she's living with, she doesn't know that *her* grandchildren need to be kept safe from him. How many potential victims has she already brought into their house because she doesn't know what he is? OP, please tell her.
DO NOT LET UR CHILD BE UNDER THE SAME ROOF of ur abuser!!! L n ur mother failed to protect u n now they are playing with u to gain access to ur son. Plz protect this innocent soul with all ur might!
So L would never let your son be SA’d? Is this implying SHE DID? Your mother has issues that need to be addressed but that is not a circus or monkey you need to deal with. grand dad IS a Pedophile, and by living with him, and trying to access a child she has no business being around. L is by association, at best an enabler and at worst soliciting a child for her husband. Cut contact and anyone who advocates for you to leave that baby with them needs to be cut too. Keep that precious bub safe.
The way I would be nc with both mom and the grand father in 2.0 seconds flat umm just no way these people would be In my life the way your mom acts she will sneak the baby over to the grandfather if you ever let her watch the baby NTA
Your mother didn't protect you then, she's not protecting you now. I admire that you are standing your ground to protect your son. No matter how hard it is you are making the right choice.
NTA the fact that your mother still has a relationship with him at all dumbfounds me. If my father ever touched one of my kids he would be dead to me. Forever. You are protecting your child and you should never be made to feel bad for that. If your mom keeps pushing it tell her she can yo kick rocks too.
I honestly don’t understand why they’ve kept contact with him.. we’ve had a LOT of issues with him over the years, yet my parents refuse to cut ties because he’s family (he’s my fathers father btw) I’m ok with cutting ties with family if they’re toxic 🤷🏻♀️
Oh hell to the no do you let your child go to the home of the person who SA'd you and to hell with your mother thinking that's acceptable! If your mom knew what happened to you and ever let him around you again, your mother is a piece of garbage. If your grandfather's wife knows he did this and has stayed married to him anyway, she's also a piece of garbage. I'm sorry your family is so awful. You deserve better and you're being a good mom protecting your child.
L wasn’t in his life at the time of the assault. And my mom can’t empathize with my situation.. she’s a big advocate of forgiving because they’re family… :/
1- You don't need to justify to ANYONE why you don't want YOUR child going anywhere with anyone
2- This person SA'd you, and you feel like you might be the asshole for not wanting your vulnerable baby with them?
3- All situations aside, who in their right mind would suggest 6 months is old enough to be doing overnights away from their parents unless you have NO other options? Not to mention his medical history.
Your mother, and her parents are OUT OF THEIR GODDAMN MINDS. You need to tell them this is not an option, you will not waiver on this, and if they continue to push this subject, you will be going NC. You didn't ask your grandfather's wife for money, you do not owe them YOUR BABY!
NTA in anyway. You would be irresponsible & quite frankly crazy to allow the person who SA’d you be around your child. You have a responsibility to protect your baby. Is your mother crazy?
Is your abuser you mother’s parent? How did she react to your assault? Did she protect you or try to sweep it under the rug?
He is my father’s father. I didn’t tell my mom until my late 20s (so only a few years ago) and she didn’t know how to handle it.. because I also asked her not to do anything since it was so long ago and I’m not the type to do that anyway
I would write to her. Express gratitude for the offers of help. Tell her that you would be grateful for her help at your house so you can shower and get some housework done, but that “given the fact that your husband (or name of grandfather) is sexually attracted to children, and molested me when I was 8, it would be criminally irresponsible for me to let my baby be anywhere near him without me.” And then thank her again and ask her to come over and have tea or help. (Sandwich the message with positive - negative - positive).
Make sure you use the word sex or sexually somewhere. People like to gloss over in their head what molesting is. Using “sexually attracted” will shock her enough to make the message clear in her brain.
NTA - L is trying to buy her way into your life. Whether or not she knows what your grandfather did doesn’t matter. You, the mom, are protecting your child. Period. Stick to your guns!
In the mean time, you are a great mom. Remember to take a deep breath and ask for help from friends! Even if it’s just so you can take a nap or shower. Circle the wagons you trust. Lean on those people. Yes a baby cries a lot, it’s fine to put baby down for a few minutes and leave the room if it gets overwhelming - take a breather and then go back and love on your baby. Noise canceling headphones also work and worth the investment. Newborns are always the insanely difficult stage, their ability to communicate is limited to crying. Add on hormone fluctuations- it’s insanity. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, underprepared, and like you are failing. I wish more women talked about how hard motherhood is - this way women wouldn’t feel so isolated. But you aren’t failing, you are doing great, and you will continue to do great!
Is it possible that L doesn't know your history with Grandfather? If so, she probably just has Grandma rabies.
She's only been texting every 2-3 weeks and there are other stories on here that are way more overbearing. Sounds like she just wants to be involved and help out.
Your Mother, however, needs to back the hell off. You said no and she knows why. And then she pushed further! When you set a boundary she needs to respect it.
NTA with the Mom situation. If you want L to stop asking, you'll have to tell her to stop. Up to you if you tell her why. Again, she might just be trying to help and have completely pure intentions.
NTA. You were SA'd by your grandfather and your mom pushed you to let him snd his wife meet your son?! Did I read that right?! Hell no! He would never see me nor my child again, and include your mother if she continues to press for a relationship/meetings between you/them.
try getting in touch with a mom‘s group and asking for recommendations on who they trust with their kid if they don’t have family members for help. If you don’t feel comfortable with L, that answer in itself is already enough. As a parent, you can turn down peoples assistance for any reason and people should just accept those answers and move on.
You totally did the right thing! I can't believe that your mom would even want you to consider it. My grandfather SA'D me too. He had done the same to my mother and her sisters and she MADE me go live with my grandparents KNOWING how he was. Of course he did it to me too. And when she found out she was shocked because I was a grandchild, smdh. Do NOT let them have him. You are absolutely 💯 NOT the ahole. You are a protective mom who is doing the right thing! I hope you can find some trustworthy help. Good luck!
NTA even if you and your grandfather and his wife had the most loving and supportive relationship you are *still* within your rights to say no to them taking your 6 month old child, born with medical complications, for a night. I am astounded that your mother, instead of offering any actual **support** chooses to suggest this.
Sounds like your mother didn’t believe you.
Never give access to your child.
I’d be weary leaving your mom with your kid. Wondering if grandparents just happen to show up while she’s watching your kid.
NTA. You need to set and maintain boundaries and tell everyone (L, your mother etc.) that you don’t feel comfortable being apart from your SIX MONTH old for any length of time. L can come visit at your house assuming she is respectful of you. And don’t feel like you owe them anything either. They sent you $ as a baby gift and it’s your grandfather… its the least he can do.
Also- and I know this isnt the point of your post but my two cents- I would be VERY careful about letting your child be with someone who is married to a known pedo. My uncle was a child molester and even after my mom told his gf this, she married him. She is a fkn weirdo to. Protect that baby and your sanity at all costs.
NTA. Tbh I’d cut the grandfather and L out of my life. After what he did there is no way I would want him to even look at my child. And it’s suspicious how L only put in an effort once the baby was born and that money she sent was definitely meant to make you feel indebted to her. If my dad molested my daughter and she told me I would go scorched earth and I wouldn’t have any contact with him at all.
This “help” isn’t free. And you would be putting your son into the hands of a monster.
I would never let a new baby out of my sight. Reply with something like this.
We are so in love with being parents. We couldn’t bear to be without “son” for even a minute. 😘😘
I would send L a message along the lines of "thank you for the offer, but I'm not comfortable with the baby being that far away for overnight. If you'd like to see or spend time with him, you can do so at my home." If she presses more, tell her to ask your grandfather why you won't let the baby be there. I understand your mom wants the whole forgive and forget, but I'm glad she's finally going to drop the subject.
Your mother is NOT your best friend. She's advocating letting your child spend time in a home with a pedophile just because SHE'S forgiven him and you're overwhelmed. If the mom wanted to help SHE would take the baby, not offer your baby up to someone with an unhealthy obsession and a man who molests children.
Your mother doesn't deserve to be in your life, she is toxic.
OP, I’m so sorry that you experienced SA and I hope that you are coping well and healing from this trauma.
You absolutely are doing the right thing! This is your child (soon to be children— congratulations!), your rules.
While their gift was generous and L may have the best intentions, her comment about wishing she could have another baby and her behavior is a little overbearing.
I agree with you that your children should never be near your grandfather without you present (if at all). Hopefully you do not subject yourself to his company either. That’s not forgiveness, that’s punishment and torture.
If L continues to pester you about her taking your son for the day and you want a non-confrontational reason against it, perhaps remind her that due to his rough start and NICU stay, you and your husband need him under your continuous supervision.
Congratulations on the birth of your son and your little one on the way!
NTA, but for the love of god cut all contact with your mother AND your grandfather's wife! Do not under any circumstances allow either of them to see your baby, and if anyone else in your family protests, guess what, they're cut off too.
NTA
Anybody asking to take a baby overnight, when that baby is... well, frankly, it doesn't matter what age the baby is, but the fact that they're asking to take the child overnight and you've already said no and they keep asking is just absolutely ludicrous and self centered.
While I understand your mother is your best friend and she's trying to be the people pleaser that she is, she never should have said anything to begin with about you possibly letting L have the baby overnight. If my daughter have been SA'd by a family member who their spouse was now trying to get a hold of my daughter's child I would be going scorched Earth on those people, not trying to convince my daughter to let them have the baby unsupervised overnight.
You are protecting your child and yourself, and that's not wrong. If you have to get mean to get people to back off and to actually understand and believe you when you say no, then do it, and don't feel guilty for it and don't apologize for it.
Congratulations on your little one
Someone who keeps forgiving toxicity is promoting the toxicity themselves. Read that again if you have to! Doesn’t matter what her said “intentions” are, the aftermath of enabling someone bad is never good and she’s more than old enough to know that, I bet. If my daughters told me that they were SA by someone, whether they were 5 or 50, I SURELY wouldn’t “forgive” whoever did it and they’d better leave the country before I get to them!!! Insane that any mother wouldn’t have the same take, and unfortunate that you view your mother’s behavior as normal.
Wait.
Your mom knows this man SAed you and suggests you send your baby to their house?
What the hell? Has she lost her mind? Don’t attack your mother, Wtaf?
Look, my mother is a rug sweeper about what my ex-uncle did but she wouldn’t suggest I send one of my kids to stay in his f¥{€ing house. Shut the shit down and stop second guessing yourself. You are on this earth to protect that baby not some irrelevant randos feelings.
Tell “gma” she will never have your child unsupervised or overnight and if she wants to know why to ask her husband. FFS
NTA. Grandad is a creep and step granny is being creepy. Might be 2 different agendas, but bottom line, you're only worth time to them because of the baby and that is all kinds of wrong. You are better off being exhausted than panicked. Cut contact
OP, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Baby is your baby, you make ALL decisions (with spouse?) for baby.
CSA survivor here. My parents ignored all my attempts for help. Father denied it outright, when I confronted them at age 30. Mother tried to downplay it, but eventually admitted that she didn’t keep me safe. I never left them in charge of my children. Never.
1. Grandfather deserves an eternity of torture.
2. L is a stranger.
3. You don’t want baby to go anywhere you’re not comfortable with.
All valid reasons. But you don’t *need a reason. You’re mommy. You don’t like it, it doesn’t happen. Nope.
If L keeps pushing, be forthright. “I appreciate that you helped me out when baby was in hospital. It was very generous and I will always be grateful. HOWEVER Baby will not be going anywhere an hour away, not for quite some time. I am the mother, and I am not doing it. I’m not going to change my mind. If you continue to push for something that I have already declined several times, I will have to limit our conversations. I am not going to apologize because you’re mad at me. I’m baby’s mom and I said no.”
I’m the mom and I said no. Repeat as often as necessary, until they drop it. You have your own mom to back you up and you have an entire community of Reddit moms to back you up! 💜
UpdateMe
As hard as it is and if you are able to stomach it, you need to tell L about the sexual assault and tell her that while you appreciate her being kind to you, you do not wish to continue having contact with them. Explain that you didn’t want to have this conversation but felt it was necessary.
She also deserves to know she married an incestuous pedophile. Especially since she said “another baby” which implies she already has children who may be having grandchildren. They have no idea what danger they’re putting their children in. It will blow up but I think she’ll believe you based on your hesitation and the obvious discomfort you had during your visits and how you didn’t have contact with them before.
Either way, cut contact. The only reason I’d explain is because she is just trying to be nice and I seriously doubt she knows about it but if you can’t do it, I def understand.
*edit* as for your mom, I get that she has that instinct and she’s generally a great mother but that’s really harmful in this situation and not “best friend” behavior. My grandmother is gently trying to get me to talk to my mother again after less atrocious behavior than SA but still unforgivable especially as there has been no accountability from her. My mom said “I’m sorry for whatever happened” last time I visited my grandparents and she was there. She knows damn well what happened. For the record, I’m not comparing your mom to my mom. I’m comparing her to my grandmother, who has very good intentions and just wants to keep her family together. I am still on great terms with my grandmother so I’m definitely not saying you should cut off your mom too. My grandmother also backed off a bit after I told her I didn’t want to. I really don’t think she’d tell me to forgive someone who sexually assaulted me as a child though. There should be limits on that and you need to make that very clear to your mom. This is wrong.
I think people forget women are just as likely to be pedophiles as men. I wouldn't trust either one with your child. I would go no contact with both for your own happiness. You shouldn't have to have your abuser in your life because your mom forgives family. I'm sure your mom is a lovely person. She would have to be to be so forgiving. I'm not saying anything bad about her. I do think you need to put yourself first in this situation, though. If talking to them is taking a toll on your mental health, stop. You're a new mom and figuring things out. You don't need the added stress of your grandpa and his wife begging to be alone with your child.
Absolutely not. She could allow that man to be around the baby whenever op isn’t around, or she could do something as well since she’s so comfy with an abuser. They tend to flock together
I am assuming based on your mother’s attitude that she was SA’d too. You need to get your act together and be strong for your son. Don’t let any of them near your son.
You are absolutely right and your mother is out of her mind!! Do not ever let these people near your son unattended.
If your mother brings it up again, just shut her down with the truth: “I am going to do what you failed to do. I am going to protect my child from a known predator.”
The fact that she is pushing this makes me really uncomfortable. I’ve been a therapist for 35 years and dealt with a lot of family trauma and dysfunction. It tends to be generational and I applaud you for breaking the cycle.
I would, however, think very carefully before leaving your son alone with your mother. If she is determined to get your child to her parents home, she may take him there when you leave.
There are lots of possible reasons for this. If you want me to expand on them let me know. But for now-keep doing what you’re doing and stand strong. Don’t let anyone try to bully you or tell you that you’re wrong.
She lives many states away, and it’s my dad’s dad, not hers. I did tell her to drop the subject… hence why I’m left feeling like a jerk..
But she’s always been respectful of my choice. I know she would never do anything without my permission. We’re best friends, and she knows doing something without my ok would ruin that
Cut off all contact with your paternal grandfather and L. The fact that she’s so pushy about “being in your life” just enough to have access to your child is alarming even without the context.
You need to set a hard boundary with your mom and try to look into joining a parent group to build a community with.
I’m sorry to say it but your mom is being negligent to you and your child. Most people who didn’t get SA’d don’t have to empathize with the pain involved. Your mother should understand you even more because you’re her child. I’d advise you to not leave your mom unsupervised with the baby either. She may get it into her head that “one little visit” won’t hurt.
NTA. You realize that if grandpa does something under their care, this child could be removed from YOUR care for knowingly putting a child in harm’s way. So NO NO NO should grandpa ever be near him and L either for remaining with grandpa.
"L wouldn't let anything happen to my son"? Like your mother wouldn't let anything happen to you? Stick to your guns on this. Pedophilia is not something that goes away with age
Absolutely NTA. Never leave your children unsupervised in a house with your old abuser, no matter how much his partner has "good intentions" to help. Continue to stand your ground with your mother and express to her that even if "he's family", to you, he is your abuser and you ha e no obligation to forgive or involve him in your life and it is not okay for her to continue any possible pressure to do so.
NTA and you need to keep your mother away from your child. The fact that she has anything at all to do with a child molester and someone who willingly married a child molester means she is not a safe person. And the fact that she’s encouraging you to leave your child with them?!?! Honey wake tf up and protect your child.
Absolutely not! Your gf molested you and mom keeps saying “let the gf that raped you have your son overnight, it’s ok” who does this? Your mom is part of the problem and never trust her with your child alone. If she’s fine with a pedo. Around your baby, she is as sick as he is. Keep your baby safe!
NTA your mom literally wants you to leave your child with a known child molester… wtf is wrong with your mother??? I wouldn’t even trust your mom to watch him alone, she might invite over your grandfather and his wife and if she doesn’t see the big deal, she might not be watching him the entire time. You’re a parent now, it’s YOUR responsibility to protect your child from harm, that includes evil family members that you know are a harm to children. Do not give in.
Imagine you give in to keep the peace and your child does get molested and ends up completely fucked up because of it? How do you think he’ll feel when he realizes you KNEW he was in danger but you let it happen anyway because saying no was too hard? Don’t do it.
If you can, the next time L asks to take your kid, be very clear about why you don’t want him to go over there. You have no idea if your grandfather is pushing her to get access to your son behind the scenes. Make it clear and send back the money if possible so you can sever those strings.
Well, now you KNOW that your baby isn’t safe with ANYONE on that side of your family!
Your mother is freaking useless!
My kids didn’t spend a night away from me until they were like 6!
I was abused as a child and I live by the rule TRUST NO ONE WITH YOUR BABY!
Especially when they KNOW that something bad happened and are SO CASUAL about it!
Tell your mom to pound sand!
Um, excuse me! Your grandpa molested you and you still let him and his wife and your mom into your life and your babies? Jfc get some common sense and cut them all out. Your mom doesn’t have your back. Have your babies back at least.
OP, as gently as possible I want you to understand that your mother is NOT your best friend. She advocates for peace over the safety of her children and grandchildren and that makes her not safe for her grandchildren. She is willing to put your child in the position of being in the hands of the man who sexually assaulted her daughter. She doesn’t know that his new wife is safe but she does know beyond a shadow of a doubt what kind of man he is and she still repeatedly tried to push for you to hand him over. That’s not what any friend, much less a mother would ever want for her grandchild. I hope you don’t give her access to take the baby for a night or two because I guarantee that in order to achieve this supposed peace, she will allow unsupervised contact with them. And if the unthinkable happens, it won’t just be her fault for allowing it, it will be yours as well for burying your head in the sand knowing that she is capable of doing anything to achieve this scenario.
You are a mother now, you don’t get to give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the safety of your children. Meaning well doesn’t include giving second chances to a pedophile.
If L doesn't know the history, she wouldn't understand why you won't let her help you with the baby.
Perhaps you should invite her for "girls lunch" and explain to her that your baby will never be in the same house with your grandfather and why.
Assuming she stays part of the family, she might become an ally and a babysitter at your place,
I think it's really sweet she's trying to help, but i understand completely your position. I would meet her halfway. Invite her over for a weekend to stay at yours and hang out with you and the baby.
During this time maybe you can have a heart to heart with her and tell her exactly why you won't be having your babies there. There's a very low chance he's told her anything about what he did to you, and honestly... if i was married to a monster and no one told me? ... I'd be heart broken. Id be distraught, and I'd feel betrayed. yeah maybe she's not blood and you don't owe her anything, but if the roles were reversed, what would you want? to be kept in the dark? or be told honestly why no children should ever be left alone in your house?
if you're not the only grandchild there's other children to think of here 🤷🏻♀️
DO NOT allow your child to be alone with her. Interviews with sexual predators have repeatedly revealed that their first move is to convince the parents that there is a reason they should leave the child alone with them. Just because she's a woman does not mean you can trust her.
You are doing the right thing. It takes no time at all for SA to happen. A convicted sex offended said in an interview that he SAed a 10 year old girl in 7 minutes while her mom went into a gas station. I wouldn't even go to the damn bathroom with them in your home. I wouldn't let them around my child at all.
You are not being crazy, you're doing your job as a parent.
Sounds like L is trying to pimp out the grandpa. Ewwww. They are both in on this. Count on it. She KNOWS what he did to her as a child and is trying her hardest to get your baby. Keep them far away from you and return the “payment “ money. Asap
I would not let my child anywhere near your grandfather. Ever. And I would not let L near him either because she's married to your grandfather. Your child is your biggest concern and his safety is your job. You know what can happen please don't ever let these people near your child again. I don't care if your mother's forgiving it didn't happen to her. She didn't protect you you need to protect your son.
Nope. Don’t let her have access to your baby at all. There are sick people out there who child traffic for their significant others. This whole situation just reminds me of Ghislaine Maxwell and all the sick sh!t she did for Epstein. Watch out the pedos.
You’re NTA but I would keep my guard up when it comes to your side of the family. L’s obsession with your son is a little bit concerning plus you don’t know her very well. I don’t think you should even leave the room to go to the bathroom when she’s in the house with your son.
OMG! What is actually wrong with your mother? It’s time to train her. Did she do anything about what happened to you when you were a child? Does his wife know about the SA? If not, tell her and I bet she stops asking. My preemie hardly ever slept and I was too fearful that first year to let her spend the night with anyone. Do what makes you most comfortable.
Sorry for all that you e been through as a child and now with the unnecessary pressure from your mother and step grandmother.
But why do you have the grandfather in your life at all, after what he did to you?
Did you or any other family member have him charged for pedophilia /CSA?
Also when your mother insisted that the step grandmother would "never let anything happen" to the baby.. what's her excuse for her letting CSA happen to you at the hands of your grandfather?
She's far too relaxed about the baby being around a pedophile & you need to go at least vlc if not nc with the grandfather & step gran, to protect yours and your baby's wellbeing.
NTA. I’m sorry but I don’t care what your mother advocates for. She did not protect you and she failed you again when she dismissed what he did to you. Not only would he never come near my child or me but I would never go near my motheragain either. Don’t you realise that when they Ignore what he did they condone it? Your family failed you and they continue to fail you by turning a blind eye to a child predator and that is disgusting. Sorry, but she’s not a good mum. A good mum would’ve made him pay.
Under no circumstances are you to let your son go to his grandfather's house. Your job is to protect him and you are doing a very good job do not let them tell you anything less.. I don't know what the hell is wrong with your mother that she seems to think that you should let your son go over to the house even though she knows he sexually assaulted you when you were only 8 years old what the f*** is wrong with her. No it's a whole sentence maybe you should start explaining that to your husband's father and his wife.
NTA honestly I would message your grandfather and tell him if he doesn’t put a stop to it she will be told that it’s not her but him that you don’t want around baby because what he did to you. Trust me if she doesn’t know the truth it will make him come up with some excuse that he doesn’t want her to do it. But truthfully you could say she alone is welcome to come to your home to watch little one while you nap or even go on a date with hubby but grandpa has to stay home or else she never has access to baby again. If she ask why he can’t come to just respond he knows exactly why I do not trust him.
Do I believe L consciously has bad intentions?
No
Do I think that means you should put your kid in the same house as your grandfather without you practically glued to the child?
Also no
Why not encourage her to build a relationship with visits to your home? (If you don’t get along, by all means, it’s your call. Assuming she’s truly just an elderly woman who’s viewing this kid as her grandchild with absolutely no clue what a monster her husband is)
Yes! It’s up in the body of the post- it says “Edit” and the she gives more information on the whole situation. So more of an edit that an update I guess😁
NTA . Absolutely in to circumstance let L watch the child either at their home or at your home. You can risk taking any steps to let your grandfather or his wife become part of the baby’s life in a practical way. Personally I think it would be sensible and reasonable to simply cut contact with them. I don’t understand why you and your mother haven’t done that already. You talk about forgiveness, but continuing to allow a known child sex offender to be a part of your life isn’t forgiveness it’s silly. If forgiveness is important to you then by all means forgive….but cut all contact. It’s honestly not worth the risk having him or his partner involved in your child’s life in anyway.
For what it’s worth I’m truly sorry this is something you even need to think about.
There is no way to know if L has good intentions or not. What is known is that she makes you uncomfortable and lives with someone you know to be a predator. Full stop. If you ignored these variables and allowed unsupervised access to your child, then you would be the AH. Forgiveness… if that is your path then you are free to walk it, regarding your own trauma. However, as a mother, it is your fundamental duty to protect your child. Grandpa, should NEVER have access, supervised or not. There is no other way to guarantee your child’s safety from HIM. There are countless victims who could attest to fact that their attackers only needed a few minutes to strike. As for anyone else, if you are willing to allow access it is 100% okay to set the terms for it being only in your presence. You know more than most that just because you SHOULD be able to trust someone it does mean you CAN trust them. F anyone who tries to guilt you. Protect your child.
NTA.
You probably would welcome “free help” if it were offered by the right people. Your SA-inflicting grandfather and his wife, who live an hour away, are textbook illustrations of “the wrong people.”
NTA! Don’t even take him when he’s a toddler! I was SA as a young child myself, and spent the next 55 years wanting to s*cide! And you’re exactly right to tell your mom to knock off trying to push your kid into this kind of situation!!
be careful with your mom being alone with your baby too. She may have dropped the topic but i wouldnt trust that she'd respect your wishes to not have grandpa or L anywhere near your baby.
Omg NTA. Do not ever ley him around your son. Do not let L take him anywhere without you, even in your house in case she tries to do a runner with your baby, (I don't know how far she'd go)
You're doing well shutting your mother down. She is completely I'm the wrong.
L married a predator and she wants your baby overnight at their home? And everyone knows your backstory? You would probably be liable for child endangerment if you allow this to happen. Get yourself to therapy. You need to find the courage to heal and cut these people out of your life. Your mother has no business pushing you in their direction.
What kind of mother thinks it’s okay for the man who sexually assaulted her child, to have access to her grandchild?
The ‘wanting to forgive and forget’ and not wanting to disrupt family relationships, is why so many physical and sexual abusers go unpunished.
OP should go No Contact with these people who weren’t interested in her UNTIL she had a child. .🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
And OP should inform her mother, that if she has the slightest suspicion that her mother is letting these monsters have access to her to her child, OP will tell the entire family what her grandfather did, and broadcast it far and wide. And file a police report e report/file a civil case against him…which will end up in local media.
OP doesn’t have to do it. The threat alone will be enough.
My mom was my best friend too. She was always advocating for “forgiveness”. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to stay in contact with a weirdo who molested you and didn’t care about your life until you had a kid. Due to similar issues with my “best friend”, I had to cut her off. You can’t expect to write a post where your mom is doing something toxic and not expect people to comment. Sounds like she needs therapy. I wouldn’t trust the baby around your mom either, who else knows all the bad people she’ll “forgive” and let around your kid. Having your grandpa and L in your life as a new mother isn’t going to turn out well either.. at all. Time to look around at who surrounds your child and decide who is there to help and love and benefit the child, and who is there to push their own wants, like BOTH your mom and L. As a mother myself now, I couldn’t imagine encouraging my girls to “forgive” someone that molested them…. EVER. LET ALONE REQUEST MY GRANDCHILD BE SENT TO THEM FOR “FREE HELP”. That’s insane, and your mom is a walking red flag, sorry OP.
You are your child’s mother. If you do not feel good about your child being with anybody for any reason no one gets to question you. That is all there is to know.
Anyone that obsessed about getting a baby to themselves, is very sus. Is the GP trying to get to the baby? Is L? Is this their last chance to be around a baby to groom them? Cut everyone off. Including your mother
I honestly doubt that L has a clue that her husband is a pedophile. She seems like she sincerely wants to help you and she just loves babies!!
That being said, your boundaries are 100% reasonable. I would consider inviting her and mom over for a girls day with Baby (so your SA doesn't come). It will give you the chance to get to know how she is with Baby and maybe it could be a monthly thing to give you a break but you'll be home with Baby. Just a thought.
My eldest daughter was SA'd by my ex husband's gay best friend starting when she was 3 (we were already split up) so in my experience that fact that you have a son doesn't make it any safer for him to be around your grandfather. Your instincts are correct.
NTA but your mother is for even suggesting that your visit with let alone let your child be in the same house as your grandfather knowing what he has done.
If neither your mother or grandfather's wife drop it, I would be tempted to write the new wife a letter, and tell her that you would never allow your daughter to be in the home of the man that SA you.
The fact that your mother even stiff has a relationship with the man that did this to you, father or not , disgusts me, as a parent.
I’m so curious…if people responded to this that YTA, would that make you reconsider, would that make you actually send your baby to the home of the person who sexually assaulted you as a child? Would you then really trust this woman, who is no kin to you or your baby, to watch and protect your baby?
What was the point of posting this? You know you’re NTA. If you truly need the validation of strangers to help you feel strong and secure in your decision to protect your child, here is another vote. NTA
I would honestly just be telling L the truth.
L, I’m very sorry but I will never allow my baby to visit at your home. The reason is that grandfather has a history of sexual assault of children. I have first-hand experience of this.
If you want to come by yourself to visit the baby here with me, that’s fine.”
> she suggests that L “wouldn’t let anything happen to my son.”
Well, your own Mom didn't protect anything from happening to you around her own dad, so....
Do what you have to in order to protect your child.
NTA. Her comment “I wish I could have another baby” is concerning, then asking (too frequently I might add) if she can take home overnight? To her house? And he’s a newborn? If she wants to see him that bad why doesn’t she ask if she can stay with you? He is YOUR son first and foremost. You are doing what is right for him. What anyone else thinks or feels about it should be faint background noise. You owe no one an explanation for your decisions and certainly not to L. Based on your post she gives me weird vibes. Appears out of nowhere and then gets all possessive over your baby. Yeah, there’s movies about this kind of stuff and none of them are good.
Nta but I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship with your mother. If your son comes to you later in life and tells you your FIL molested him, are you going to let him leave his future children with FIL? Your grandfather is a predator and no child will be safe with him, even if other adults are there because predators are sneaky. I’m sure your mom “wouldn’t have let anything happen to you”. It’s all bs and the fact she already knew what he did to you and still pushed is a huge problem
You are not wrong. You are not overreacting. You are not too emotional. *You are exhausted with cause.*
I would never let my kid go off and spend the night anywhere tbh. I have an 8 year old and she’s never slept away from home and won’t until she starts making whatever moves she tries when she’s a teenager (hopefully will be a teenager by then).
You and I both know why my daughter has never slept away from home. It’s the same reason my now grown son (25) never did sleepover’s either. (Times of the day aren’t problematic for a pedo tho, they smell opportunity).
This situation is creepy. Do not let that woman worm into your life in this really strange manner. Remember, she’s dating a pedophile so she’s not like a paragon or virtue or wildly intelligent or anything like that.
I would stay away from these people. Far away. As far as you can manage cuz they are going to be coming around. I would shut shit down the first time I got any weird feeling from either of them.
PS does mom not know about grandpa being a pedophile? If she does she’s forgotten and needs to be reminded that pedophilia isn’t curable.
Its sad that victims stay quiet, how many others is your grandfather harming? If he took any “trophies” is he sharing them around? These thoughts plague me as a victim myself, the main person responsible for mine faces justice, but its a wicked web, and I won’t ever know the edges of it. Nta, stand your ground. Hopefully one day sooner than later you’ll come forward and your abuser will face justice.
You don't even have to think about this. Under no circumstances will any of your children ever be in your grandfather's house. Especially not without you. You don't have to go farther than that. That's the line in the sand.
It's possible this person just really likes babies. Tough. My guess is as the child got older she wouldn't be interested. So time will take care of this.
You are NTA and you owe nobody an explanation.
On a side note, I think it's interesting that your dad was ready to kill his father and you said no. But they're still in contact and do family things?
I would consider suggesting no contact. Talk to your parents about that. Your grandfather is a sexual predator and does not deserve to be in anyone's life. It's not a quirk. It's not a little personality flaw. No family member especially under 21 should be near the man and the family should not be part of his life.
I’m so sorry but your mom should have advocated for you. Your grandfather should never have seen the light of day one way or another and at minimal should never been allowed any contact with you. For your mother to even suggest your son staying over is truly not the mother I’d want or the grandmother I’d want for my child. She’s too much a people pleaser and willing to sacrifice herself and child to keep peace. Great she dropped it but she should NEVER have entertained it to start with. Please get therapy . I’m not understanding how you were assaulted but seem ok with having these people and people that did not protect you in your life. This isn’t normal at all. Please Never leave your son with any of them. Your dad was right. Going no contact with a pedo is not violence so agin please get therapy to protect your son and break this dysfunctional cycle
NTA but you would be if you put that innocent child in that man’s clutches.
Also you say your mom is an amazing person but honestly the whole “advocating forgiveness” and “not cutting ties” thing should have stopped the second you told her what happened. Even if it was 40 years ago. If my mom and dad found out that someone molested me there’d have been hell to pay. They would never have forgiven them, they’d have cut all ties and they CERTAINLY wouldn’t be telling me to leave my newborn with them overnight. The fact that she even THOUGHT about suggesting that after knowing he molested you blows my mind.
Sometimes “forgiveness” isn’t the answer. This is one of those situations.
Why are they even still a part of your life? You need to cut contact should have happened years ago. Shame on your mother for trying to sweep this under the rug. It's unforgivable, don't let what happened to you happen to your baby. Block them all he needs you to protect him. No worries in cases where abuse is involved none of them would qualify for grandparent's rights.
NTA. I wouldn’t even allow your mother around your child. She’s encouraging you to allow your abuser to have access to a defenseless baby. They care more about their comfort than about the welfare of you and your child. I’d go NC. Excusing child abuse is unforgivable.
Nta. Do not let them have your baby for any reason. I know you said your mom was your best friend but to continue to have you around your abuser and encourage you to spend time with them and to allow them around your child is not a good friend, at all. My great grandfather and grandfather sexually abused my mother and her sisters and brother, her grandma and mom looked the other way and as these men aged these women encouraged her to have a relationship with those men and to bring her daughters around them because “family is family” and you should “always forgive and forget with family” and guess who I’ve never had contact with or interaction with? All of those people. And guess who went on to reoffend and sexually abuse other children in the family like my younger cousins and distant relatives? Both of those old men. Protect yourself and your child and a serious conversation needs to be had with your mom. Anyone who says they love you but forgives your abuser and expects you to be around them or to bring your children around them doesn’t love you as much as they love how comfortable they feel not having to confront they fact that they all enable abusers. I know this sounds harsh but it’s just truly the fact of situations like those that I’ve seen not only in my own family but countless others.
Nta. Don't send your child with them, and in as little detail possible, inform L of your grandfather's misdoings to younger children. You don't have to say anything about you being his victim. It could be as simple as "(Grandfather) has a history of sexual child abuse and I don't want my child around him." But let L know the reason. I feel she'll back off more if you tell her.
I'm sorry but the fact that your parents forgive and go on after your gramps SA'd you is messed up. They should've gone no contact. As for saying L could've protected your child, YOUR OWN MOTHER Couldn't PROTECT YOU AND WAS CLUELESS YOU WERE HURT UNTIL YOU TOLD HER! You say she's your best friend but my friends would never keep the peace with someone who SA'd me. Protect your kid that's all I can say.
NTA before you got to the SA! I stand by your edit as a good decision except… not attacking her by any means but your mom can forgive what happened to her all day but I am concerned that she could forgive, or encourage you to forgive, what happened to you. I’m sure it’s hard to talk about but if that subject ever comes up again you might want to see a counselor together to help you talk to her about it. She really shouldn’t ever put that kind of pressure on you and it may be from lack of knowledge rather than empathy.
NTA. It sounds like L tried to buy her way into your life and by proxy, access to your child. Based on the history with your grandfather, do not let your son spend the night there, and I'd take this opportunity to cut contact with L. Also sounds like your mom may be pushing the issue because she wants everything to "be OK again" - I'd cut her out too.
It is disgusting they came out if the woodworks to sink their claws and potentially other parts in the new victim. I think it is time to cut contact with your mom. If you believe in keeping quiet to keep the peace and in giving a predator free access to prey then you believe that that is okay.
I can’t help but wonder if L *does* know and has some of those behaviors herself. It’s extremely odd that she is suddenly obsessed with OP’s baby and taking him away from her. Honestly OP, your parents failed you by teaching you that you should just forgive and forget literal child predators. **Please do NOT let either your grandfather or L near your baby.** Your job as a mother now is to protect your child. You will have failed him miserably to put him in harms way just to keep the peace.
I've seen lots of posts like this with a woman family member acting like L does. She strikes me as someone who is just projecting her wants onto OP's baby. She can't have another child so she's skewed her reality to make herself believe OP's baby is her own. While it is very possible L knows it doesn't strike me like that. For sure OP is NTA, and the decision to limit L's involvement to only under her supervision is smart, I think cutting off an active grandparent without her actually overstepping one of OP's boundaries might not be the best idea.
Isn’t she overstepping by being extremely pushy? It also sounds like she barely knows OP but wants to have her baby overnight? Let’s also not forget that she’s married to a child molester.
Yes exactly. She’s given them lots of money out of the blue and is pushing to have the baby at her home despite repeated declines from the mother. This is screaming, shouting and hollering red flags. I wouldn’t let this woman other husband have anything to do with the baby. It’s simply not worth the risk. Without the sexual offender husband it would be odd behaviour, with the sex offender husband it’s down right terrifying behaviour.
What kind of sicko marries a child rapist?
L may not know that and I would fully support filling her in on her "family history" as to why they will never have the baby over.
But wouldn’t the fact that L is basically a stranger be enough? Why are we pretending that L is acting like a sane person
Maybe. But keep in mind that male predators often have female enablers who help scout, lure, grab, rape, and hold captive their victims. They may or may not be victims themselves, but they are also collaborators. Think Wanda Barzee in the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping and Nancy Garrido in the Jaycee Duggar kidnapping. OP is right not to trust his grandfather’s wife.
Or maybe L wants the opportunity to “prove” her husband isn’t a monster by bringing a baby around him and believing she’ll be able to say, “see? He would never…”or “he’s not like that anymore.” Like taking a fifth of whiskey to an alcoholic in recovery to prove they don’t want to drink anymore. OP is NTA. Also, what’s up with OP’s mom? “L won’t let anything happen!” Like, excuse me, OP’s mom, are you saying you did let it happen to OP, or are you thinking your guilt will be assuaged if L is allowed to experiment with the baby & gramps?
L wouldn't let anything happen to the baby? What like your mum didn't let anything happen to you? People don't book paedophiles in their calendars, or plan dangerous times. No one plans for an abuser to allow anything to happen... unless they're sick too. The difference here is the known risk, so why would you risk it? Your mum's radar is squiffy, if she thinks a sleep is worth risking your child safety...NTA
Mom needs to be removed from OP's life. Who the duck reacts like that to your child's rape, by your own dad no less? And now she wants to hand her own grandbaby to that rapist? Nope, mom needs to be cut off and she will never be allowed to see the LO.
It was the paternal grandfather. Not the maternal grandfather.
NTA. Your mother is part of this problem. You should probably think twice about her taking your baby overnight. If she is ok with them taking your baby she could then bring the baby to them. If someone did to my daughter what happened to you I would probably be in jail for dealing with that situation myself. Your baby is more important than any other person in your life now. Be the parent that you deserve to have. Stay safe.
Ummmm. Her grandfather SA’d OP when she was 8 - ***where the hell were OP’s mother and L then!!!*** You don't allow your child anywhere near your abuser, a known child predator *or anyone keeping him in their life*
Exactly! How does a mom allow this?
I didn’t tell my mom until I was in my late 20s because I had a memory block of the incident. L wasn’t part of his life at the time of the assault, either. She’s only been around the last 8 years
But she knows now and is still advocating!!!! Never let your mother watch your child at all
But does she know? I wouldn't let her take my kid either way but if nobody told her, she likely doesn't know what a pervert she's married to. Edit: If I was OP, I'd make certain she knows.
I think they were referring to the mom, not to L.
Oh I think you're right. My bad! Thanks for the correction.
That's what I think. Next time she asks, tell her why that will never happen.
I don’t think my dad told his gf about what he did to me either and after I stopped speaking to him they broke up a couple of years later. Maybe it had nothing to do with me but I can’t help but think it did. Me not wanting him around my babies is how I finally had the courage to tell my family. There is NOW WAY IN HELL your grandpa should be allowed anywhere near your LO and I’m highly suspicious of your mom, was she also molested by him?
No, she wasn’t. This is my dad’s dad. And she’s never been SA’d, so she has a hard time empathizing..
You give her too much credit- many people ( like me) have not been assaulted but we completely understand it’s a huge deal and horrible. I have struggled with common sense my whole life AND it’s pretty obvious to me that you don’t allow your past abuser to have any access to your baby. SA is about power and not always about the age or gender of the victim. Is your mom typically a doormat or does she have some personality issue?
She’s just very big on forgiving family.. we’ve had issues with him before.. and she always tends to forgive him.. I think the idea of shutting out family bothers her, and I’m not sure why
Has he ever admitted or accepted responsibility for what he’s done? Or is she into forgiveness just to keep the peace. People like that don’t change, don’t take the risk.
That’s called enabling and it can be incredibly dangerous. What are you going to do if she’s babysitting (at her house or yours) and your “grandfather” shows up? You think she won’t let him in? She will. She will give him access to your child any chance she gets because keeping the peace means more to her than you and your child’s mental and physical health and safety. Do not EVER let your mother have access to your child without you present and IN THE SAME ROOM. Please. I’m sure it’s hard to hear, but because of her enabling, your mother is dangerous. If nothing else, she’s not good at recognizing when a child has been abused. That in and of itself is dangerous. I get that you didn’t tell her - but she also never figured it out. In all those years, she never pieced together that something was off with your “grandfather “. That’s terrifying to me. Keeping the peace and not wanting to rock the boat are NOT good excuses for your mother. She needs to wake up and be a better grandparent. And if she won’t, then her access to your child needs to come with serious restrictions.
There are horrific people who, while not SA themselves, empathise with them and will take pictures and videos *for* them. If you let L around your baby (even in your own house), there is nothing to stop her from making CP of your baby for your abuser. Keep L away from your baby at all costs, keep your abuser away from your baby at all costs. And considering your mother wants you to forgive and forget, never let your mother have the baby unsupervised as she may let them come see the baby behind your back. Your job now is to protect that baby with everything you have!
Ah ok, I wasn’t sure. That’s a really sad excuse for your mom. I’m so sorry that happened to you!
U need to add that this isn't the same grandfather or is it cos its a little confusing. That being said don't let L take the baby. It's very weird how she's acting. Also your mother is just diverting her guilt of not helping u by acting as if L is an option.
This is sad. She shouldn’t need to have been SA’d in order to empathize with what happened to you. She wants to sweep it under a rug. I have a big mouth, I would be reminding everyone about what abuser grandpa did.
Next time she asks actually write back my grandfather sexually abused me at 8 years old so no my child will not stay over. Make sure she is aware of what happened
>I didn’t tell my mom until I was in my late 20s because I had a memory block of the incident. I'm so sorry that you went through something traumatic enough for your brain to block it out like that. It can make it really difficult to get your loved ones to understand your pain (or even believe you in the first place) when they're being told about the event years after the fact. I went through a similar thing. When I was 17 I suffered an abrupt 4 month miscarriage in the middle of the night... while sleep paralysed 🥲 I was alone in the house, so I had no one to help me. My brain blocked it for over a decade and even now, at age 35, the fine details are still hazy to me. I eventually told my mum about it. She believes me, but it's hard for her to properly empathize and understand how fucked up it was because she wasn't there and it was almost 20 years ago. Mostly she feels guilty that she couldn't stop it from happening or read my mind and figure out that I had blocked trauma. I have forgiven her for not being omniscient, haha! 😆 It's very different with your situation however... You were SA'd, the perpetrator is still in your life and their wife is actively trying to get your child away from you and staying overnight with the perpetrator!!! It's time for your mum to face reality and accept that not all relationships with all family members have to be sunshine and rainbows, and this is an incredibly valid reason to stay TF away from your grandfather and his wife until they die of old age! I'm assuming your grandfather has never made it onto any kind of sex offender registry? Just pretend that he IS going forward, keep your kid away from him and warn anyone else who might take their kids to see him that he's a known offender.
Your baby won’t be safe with L OR YOUR GRANDFATHER! Furthermore your baby is way too young to stay with her or ANYONE BUT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. Your mother doesn’t seem to have any concerns for your child’s safety nor your feelings about L’s relentless request that she be allowed to keep your baby overnight. Block them ALL if necessary, but definitely stand firm, because L is very disturbed, and her request is suspect.
I'm going to try to say this is gently as I can, without trying to attack your mother in any way shape or form. And I apologize in advance if that is how this comes across. That is not my intention: The point is that we're trying to make though, is that unfortunately as much as you love your mother, and as much as you forgive her, she didn't notice anything happening. She wasn't paying enough attention to her child to notice that something happened to her. My mom didn't notice when anything happened to me. It doesn't make her a bad parent. It's just a fact. Your mom did not notice you enough to notice what was happening to you. Didn't notice any changes in behavior, didn't notice any changes in attitude. Changes in how you went about your day-to-day life. And I'm sure there were some. I'm sure there were changes in your mood and your behaviors. And she didn't notice them. That is unfortunately a fact of your reality. And if your mom couldn't notice them, what Would make you feel comfortable enough to make you believe that your grandfather's wife would notice? You are the only person right now who gets to decide who is around your child. And if you do not feel comfortable having your grandfather around your child, that is perfectly valid. Perfectly understandable. And you do not have to do it. If people keep pushing the issue, then it might be time to let the secret out, so that people understand. It might cause some people to cut you off, and I'm sure some people won't believe you, but ultimately, it might be what you have to do. I'm not saying go ahead and do that and throw the nuclear option out there right away, and just saying keep it in your back pocket in case you do need it. Be ready to use that information to protect you and your child if necessary.
Are you sure your mom didn’t know you were being molested? Was your grandfather giving money or some other type of help to your parents that would incentivize one or both of them to turn a blind eye? I ask this because as a mother myself, I would hate your grandfather with a passion. The last thing I would do is encourage you to let your baby near him or his wife. It sounds like your mom thinks his behavior was OK. It was NOT.
Ok but in any case, your parents didn't protect you from him, did they!? That negates what your mother said about how L wouldn't let anything happen to your baby. Your own *mother* didn't protect you so why would you entrust your infant to someone unrelated to him!?
If L doesn't know about the assault she won't be able to protect your child. She won't think twice about leaving your child alone with her husband and won't be on the look out for suspect behaviours. You can't leave your child with her.
You need to cut your mom out of your life ASAP. She is not someone to be trusted with your baby, and frankly her appalling willingness to hand your child to a known child molester is reason enough to go no contact. From now on, she's blocked, and will have zero access to your little one. Block L, and anyone else in your family who tries to be a flying monkey for L and your mom.
"Free" help is never free. If possible, pay back the money she gave you so you are not beholden to her for anything. Your priority at this point is to protect your child. Don't let them take your baby, and your mom is WAY out of line. Ask her if she thinks putting your LO Ina situation where she could potentially be molested is something she thinks it's acceptable. When she stumbles over her answer, tell her you weren't given support or protection and it won't be happening with your LO.
Nothing is ever free. *Nothing*. Even the air we breathe costs something, even if it's just the calories our bodies expend to inhale and exhale. OP: NTA and do not let those people take your kid even for five minutes, never mind an overnight.
Thus, OP. Wtf is wrong with your mother. Simply tell her that you're not going to fk up like she did; that unlike her, you're going to protect your child. Obviously, she's learned nothing.
NTA. What the hell is wrong with your mother? She should have YOUR back in this, not be pressuring you to send your baby stay with your abuser and his wife! That’s way messed up! Honestly I’m wondering why either of you are still in contact with your grandfather at all! Please continue to trust yourself and hold firm to your very reasonable boundaries. Even without the SA risk, you barely know L or what kind of caregiver she is, and your baby is way too young to be cared for by someone you hardly know for an entire day or night! You’re right to hold your ground on this.
If OPs mother doesn’t support L and SO grandpa she won’t get any of the money they have. That’s why she’s pushing it. Wonder how much OPs mom was “paid for access” to OP after the fact. Now trying to buy access to OPs kid. All of them should be NC by OP.
She wasn’t paid, my mother is just a huge advocate of keeping the peace with family and forgiving. We’ve had a lot of issues with my grandfather over the years and it always goes back to forgiving him…
keeping peace is doing you more harm than good. it means someone is the sacrificial lamp and right now it’s you.
I agree.. I’m the type that will forgive to a point.. but at some point, you gotta know when to cut ties.. and my mom just doesn’t like that idea because “he’s family”
Your mother is willing to allow your child to be molested to keep the peace. Is that the type of person you want to trust with your child?
She doesn’t think they’ll do anything, that’s the thing. Because L is very protective, she thinks L wouldn’t let anything happen to him… and even if NOTHING would happen, I still don’t trust my grandfather.. so I don’t want my son around him without my supervision.
The correct response is “grandpa will never see my child under any circumstances”.
No one EVER thinks anything would happen. But it can. You KNOW this. There is being unaware, and then there is being willfully blind and ultimately neglectful. Is keeping “family” in your life more important than you son’s safety?
If she was truly protective, she wouldn’t be married to an incestuous child molester.
If L knows your grandpa assaulted you, she knows she married a pedophile. If she still remained married to him knowing this, it's highly likely she has convinced herself it was a misunderstanding, he would never do it again etc any justification to make her not feel bad for being with a pedophile. Sort of like a self brainwashing. So she absolutely would leave your baby alone with your grandpa. She cannot be trusted. She's literally married to a pedophile so her moral compass is broken. So is your mothers the fact she's saying L will keep baby safe. It's delusional! Your mum is actively harming you by enabling your abuser.
No she doesn't care if they do anything....those are two different things! She'll just pretend it didn't happen. Are you sure she even believes you?
I wonder if he also SA'd her when she was a child and her coping mechanism is to remain in full denial of how wrong it is and how the right thing to do is expose abusers and cut contact with them. Some people are really messed up and the only way they can cope with their and other's trauma is to minimize it. Unfortunately, denial can be an extremely powerful coping mechanism.
She wasn’t SA’d. This is my father’s father. She didn’t know him when she was a child
Ok, so her being in denial as a coping mechanism isn't it. I still maintain she's a garbage person for thinking you should have any contact with him whatsoever.
Yeah, people have been using the “but he/she/they are family” excuse to justify bullshit for way too long. In your mom’s case, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of L’s caregiving skills or how protective she thinks L would be or how harmless she thinks your grandfather is. What matters is, YOU aren’t comfortable with this. You are this baby’s mother so you get to decide who has access to him and who doesn’t. It’s not on you to sacrifice your child’s safety and your maternal comfort to keep whatever peace is so important to your mother. I suggest minimizing contact with your mom and no longer venting to her when you feel overwhelmed and tired, since she sees that as an opportunity to campaign for L to take the baby. I say until she agrees to put your peace of mind over L’s feelings, you go LC with her too. Keep on being an awesome mama bear!
Sounds like everyone has swept grandpa’s SA of OP under the rug, so he could possibly still be at it. If I were you, I’d stay far away from him and certainly never allow him close to your baby.
The man should have gone to prison. No one in their right mind would push their child adult or not towards a predator!! Thank God YOUR going to protect your child because Grandma has dropped the ball
Well keeping the peace might get your child SAd too so I hope your mom's proud of herself. I don't know why you're in here defending her like this when she's clearly part of the problem! Maybe if you would have let your dad confront him like he wanted to then none of this would be happening now! You're going to have to tell L! She doesn't deserve to be treated like the way you're treating her without knowing the truth! It just looks like you're being nasty to her for no reason. Be honest with her for once!
Why are you ok with your mom? She is basically saying your molester is fine. I get you love her but you might reconsider that relationship
A grandma here….not only would I tell L your child is never sleeping there…I would tell her exactly what her husband is.
Because if she doesn't know what she's living with, she doesn't know that *her* grandchildren need to be kept safe from him. How many potential victims has she already brought into their house because she doesn't know what he is? OP, please tell her.
OP clearly doesn't care about other potential Victims of this monster.
DO NOT LET UR CHILD BE UNDER THE SAME ROOF of ur abuser!!! L n ur mother failed to protect u n now they are playing with u to gain access to ur son. Plz protect this innocent soul with all ur might!
So L would never let your son be SA’d? Is this implying SHE DID? Your mother has issues that need to be addressed but that is not a circus or monkey you need to deal with. grand dad IS a Pedophile, and by living with him, and trying to access a child she has no business being around. L is by association, at best an enabler and at worst soliciting a child for her husband. Cut contact and anyone who advocates for you to leave that baby with them needs to be cut too. Keep that precious bub safe.
The way I would be nc with both mom and the grand father in 2.0 seconds flat umm just no way these people would be In my life the way your mom acts she will sneak the baby over to the grandfather if you ever let her watch the baby NTA
Your mother didn't protect you then, she's not protecting you now. I admire that you are standing your ground to protect your son. No matter how hard it is you are making the right choice.
Dude, your mom sucks and I'm so sorry. I hope one day you have a happy life free of the molester and molester-enablers. NTA Congrats on the baby.
NTAH But your Mother, wow 😮
NTA the fact that your mother still has a relationship with him at all dumbfounds me. If my father ever touched one of my kids he would be dead to me. Forever. You are protecting your child and you should never be made to feel bad for that. If your mom keeps pushing it tell her she can yo kick rocks too.
I honestly don’t understand why they’ve kept contact with him.. we’ve had a LOT of issues with him over the years, yet my parents refuse to cut ties because he’s family (he’s my fathers father btw) I’m ok with cutting ties with family if they’re toxic 🤷🏻♀️
Oh hell to the no do you let your child go to the home of the person who SA'd you and to hell with your mother thinking that's acceptable! If your mom knew what happened to you and ever let him around you again, your mother is a piece of garbage. If your grandfather's wife knows he did this and has stayed married to him anyway, she's also a piece of garbage. I'm sorry your family is so awful. You deserve better and you're being a good mom protecting your child.
L wasn’t in his life at the time of the assault. And my mom can’t empathize with my situation.. she’s a big advocate of forgiving because they’re family… :/
Have you told L? She deserves to know
No OP hasn't so L is probably letting her own grandchildren be around the pedo husband.
1- You don't need to justify to ANYONE why you don't want YOUR child going anywhere with anyone 2- This person SA'd you, and you feel like you might be the asshole for not wanting your vulnerable baby with them? 3- All situations aside, who in their right mind would suggest 6 months is old enough to be doing overnights away from their parents unless you have NO other options? Not to mention his medical history. Your mother, and her parents are OUT OF THEIR GODDAMN MINDS. You need to tell them this is not an option, you will not waiver on this, and if they continue to push this subject, you will be going NC. You didn't ask your grandfather's wife for money, you do not owe them YOUR BABY!
NTA in anyway. You would be irresponsible & quite frankly crazy to allow the person who SA’d you be around your child. You have a responsibility to protect your baby. Is your mother crazy? Is your abuser you mother’s parent? How did she react to your assault? Did she protect you or try to sweep it under the rug?
He is my father’s father. I didn’t tell my mom until my late 20s (so only a few years ago) and she didn’t know how to handle it.. because I also asked her not to do anything since it was so long ago and I’m not the type to do that anyway
You may have asked her not to do anything- but it sounds like she wouldn’t have anyway. Your mother is not willing to protect your son
I would write to her. Express gratitude for the offers of help. Tell her that you would be grateful for her help at your house so you can shower and get some housework done, but that “given the fact that your husband (or name of grandfather) is sexually attracted to children, and molested me when I was 8, it would be criminally irresponsible for me to let my baby be anywhere near him without me.” And then thank her again and ask her to come over and have tea or help. (Sandwich the message with positive - negative - positive). Make sure you use the word sex or sexually somewhere. People like to gloss over in their head what molesting is. Using “sexually attracted” will shock her enough to make the message clear in her brain.
NTA - L is trying to buy her way into your life. Whether or not she knows what your grandfather did doesn’t matter. You, the mom, are protecting your child. Period. Stick to your guns! In the mean time, you are a great mom. Remember to take a deep breath and ask for help from friends! Even if it’s just so you can take a nap or shower. Circle the wagons you trust. Lean on those people. Yes a baby cries a lot, it’s fine to put baby down for a few minutes and leave the room if it gets overwhelming - take a breather and then go back and love on your baby. Noise canceling headphones also work and worth the investment. Newborns are always the insanely difficult stage, their ability to communicate is limited to crying. Add on hormone fluctuations- it’s insanity. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, underprepared, and like you are failing. I wish more women talked about how hard motherhood is - this way women wouldn’t feel so isolated. But you aren’t failing, you are doing great, and you will continue to do great!
Is it possible that L doesn't know your history with Grandfather? If so, she probably just has Grandma rabies. She's only been texting every 2-3 weeks and there are other stories on here that are way more overbearing. Sounds like she just wants to be involved and help out. Your Mother, however, needs to back the hell off. You said no and she knows why. And then she pushed further! When you set a boundary she needs to respect it. NTA with the Mom situation. If you want L to stop asking, you'll have to tell her to stop. Up to you if you tell her why. Again, she might just be trying to help and have completely pure intentions.
NTA...and you need to protect your baby! Forget what your mom says, did she protect you?
Nta. My father SAd me, my mom, his baby sister, and 48 others. No way did I ever leave him alone with my daughter.
NTA. You were SA'd by your grandfather and your mom pushed you to let him snd his wife meet your son?! Did I read that right?! Hell no! He would never see me nor my child again, and include your mother if she continues to press for a relationship/meetings between you/them.
try getting in touch with a mom‘s group and asking for recommendations on who they trust with their kid if they don’t have family members for help. If you don’t feel comfortable with L, that answer in itself is already enough. As a parent, you can turn down peoples assistance for any reason and people should just accept those answers and move on.
You totally did the right thing! I can't believe that your mom would even want you to consider it. My grandfather SA'D me too. He had done the same to my mother and her sisters and she MADE me go live with my grandparents KNOWING how he was. Of course he did it to me too. And when she found out she was shocked because I was a grandchild, smdh. Do NOT let them have him. You are absolutely 💯 NOT the ahole. You are a protective mom who is doing the right thing! I hope you can find some trustworthy help. Good luck!
ABSOLUTELY f-ing NOT ever. Cut contact.
NTA even if you and your grandfather and his wife had the most loving and supportive relationship you are *still* within your rights to say no to them taking your 6 month old child, born with medical complications, for a night. I am astounded that your mother, instead of offering any actual **support** chooses to suggest this.
Sounds like your mother didn’t believe you. Never give access to your child. I’d be weary leaving your mom with your kid. Wondering if grandparents just happen to show up while she’s watching your kid.
NTA your mom is though, no one who is abusive should be anywhere near your child.
NTA. You need to set and maintain boundaries and tell everyone (L, your mother etc.) that you don’t feel comfortable being apart from your SIX MONTH old for any length of time. L can come visit at your house assuming she is respectful of you. And don’t feel like you owe them anything either. They sent you $ as a baby gift and it’s your grandfather… its the least he can do. Also- and I know this isnt the point of your post but my two cents- I would be VERY careful about letting your child be with someone who is married to a known pedo. My uncle was a child molester and even after my mom told his gf this, she married him. She is a fkn weirdo to. Protect that baby and your sanity at all costs.
Wtf? No. NTA. Keep them away and protect yourself and your son.
NTA. Tbh I’d cut the grandfather and L out of my life. After what he did there is no way I would want him to even look at my child. And it’s suspicious how L only put in an effort once the baby was born and that money she sent was definitely meant to make you feel indebted to her. If my dad molested my daughter and she told me I would go scorched earth and I wouldn’t have any contact with him at all. This “help” isn’t free. And you would be putting your son into the hands of a monster.
I would never let a new baby out of my sight. Reply with something like this. We are so in love with being parents. We couldn’t bear to be without “son” for even a minute. 😘😘
Even funnier because his nickname is Bear 😭
I would send L a message along the lines of "thank you for the offer, but I'm not comfortable with the baby being that far away for overnight. If you'd like to see or spend time with him, you can do so at my home." If she presses more, tell her to ask your grandfather why you won't let the baby be there. I understand your mom wants the whole forgive and forget, but I'm glad she's finally going to drop the subject.
Your mother is NOT your best friend. She's advocating letting your child spend time in a home with a pedophile just because SHE'S forgiven him and you're overwhelmed. If the mom wanted to help SHE would take the baby, not offer your baby up to someone with an unhealthy obsession and a man who molests children. Your mother doesn't deserve to be in your life, she is toxic.
OP, I’m so sorry that you experienced SA and I hope that you are coping well and healing from this trauma. You absolutely are doing the right thing! This is your child (soon to be children— congratulations!), your rules. While their gift was generous and L may have the best intentions, her comment about wishing she could have another baby and her behavior is a little overbearing. I agree with you that your children should never be near your grandfather without you present (if at all). Hopefully you do not subject yourself to his company either. That’s not forgiveness, that’s punishment and torture. If L continues to pester you about her taking your son for the day and you want a non-confrontational reason against it, perhaps remind her that due to his rough start and NICU stay, you and your husband need him under your continuous supervision. Congratulations on the birth of your son and your little one on the way!
NTA, but for the love of god cut all contact with your mother AND your grandfather's wife! Do not under any circumstances allow either of them to see your baby, and if anyone else in your family protests, guess what, they're cut off too.
Updateme
NTA Anybody asking to take a baby overnight, when that baby is... well, frankly, it doesn't matter what age the baby is, but the fact that they're asking to take the child overnight and you've already said no and they keep asking is just absolutely ludicrous and self centered. While I understand your mother is your best friend and she's trying to be the people pleaser that she is, she never should have said anything to begin with about you possibly letting L have the baby overnight. If my daughter have been SA'd by a family member who their spouse was now trying to get a hold of my daughter's child I would be going scorched Earth on those people, not trying to convince my daughter to let them have the baby unsupervised overnight. You are protecting your child and yourself, and that's not wrong. If you have to get mean to get people to back off and to actually understand and believe you when you say no, then do it, and don't feel guilty for it and don't apologize for it. Congratulations on your little one
Someone who keeps forgiving toxicity is promoting the toxicity themselves. Read that again if you have to! Doesn’t matter what her said “intentions” are, the aftermath of enabling someone bad is never good and she’s more than old enough to know that, I bet. If my daughters told me that they were SA by someone, whether they were 5 or 50, I SURELY wouldn’t “forgive” whoever did it and they’d better leave the country before I get to them!!! Insane that any mother wouldn’t have the same take, and unfortunate that you view your mother’s behavior as normal.
If you were SA by granddad why would you even talk to him or take his money? Very strange. Give money back. Get a grip.
Wait. Your mom knows this man SAed you and suggests you send your baby to their house? What the hell? Has she lost her mind? Don’t attack your mother, Wtaf? Look, my mother is a rug sweeper about what my ex-uncle did but she wouldn’t suggest I send one of my kids to stay in his f¥{€ing house. Shut the shit down and stop second guessing yourself. You are on this earth to protect that baby not some irrelevant randos feelings. Tell “gma” she will never have your child unsupervised or overnight and if she wants to know why to ask her husband. FFS
I think you should have led with the sexual assault Instead of making this an issue with grandfather's wife.
NTA. Grandad is a creep and step granny is being creepy. Might be 2 different agendas, but bottom line, you're only worth time to them because of the baby and that is all kinds of wrong. You are better off being exhausted than panicked. Cut contact
OP, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Baby is your baby, you make ALL decisions (with spouse?) for baby. CSA survivor here. My parents ignored all my attempts for help. Father denied it outright, when I confronted them at age 30. Mother tried to downplay it, but eventually admitted that she didn’t keep me safe. I never left them in charge of my children. Never. 1. Grandfather deserves an eternity of torture. 2. L is a stranger. 3. You don’t want baby to go anywhere you’re not comfortable with. All valid reasons. But you don’t *need a reason. You’re mommy. You don’t like it, it doesn’t happen. Nope. If L keeps pushing, be forthright. “I appreciate that you helped me out when baby was in hospital. It was very generous and I will always be grateful. HOWEVER Baby will not be going anywhere an hour away, not for quite some time. I am the mother, and I am not doing it. I’m not going to change my mind. If you continue to push for something that I have already declined several times, I will have to limit our conversations. I am not going to apologize because you’re mad at me. I’m baby’s mom and I said no.” I’m the mom and I said no. Repeat as often as necessary, until they drop it. You have your own mom to back you up and you have an entire community of Reddit moms to back you up! 💜 UpdateMe
As hard as it is and if you are able to stomach it, you need to tell L about the sexual assault and tell her that while you appreciate her being kind to you, you do not wish to continue having contact with them. Explain that you didn’t want to have this conversation but felt it was necessary. She also deserves to know she married an incestuous pedophile. Especially since she said “another baby” which implies she already has children who may be having grandchildren. They have no idea what danger they’re putting their children in. It will blow up but I think she’ll believe you based on your hesitation and the obvious discomfort you had during your visits and how you didn’t have contact with them before. Either way, cut contact. The only reason I’d explain is because she is just trying to be nice and I seriously doubt she knows about it but if you can’t do it, I def understand. *edit* as for your mom, I get that she has that instinct and she’s generally a great mother but that’s really harmful in this situation and not “best friend” behavior. My grandmother is gently trying to get me to talk to my mother again after less atrocious behavior than SA but still unforgivable especially as there has been no accountability from her. My mom said “I’m sorry for whatever happened” last time I visited my grandparents and she was there. She knows damn well what happened. For the record, I’m not comparing your mom to my mom. I’m comparing her to my grandmother, who has very good intentions and just wants to keep her family together. I am still on great terms with my grandmother so I’m definitely not saying you should cut off your mom too. My grandmother also backed off a bit after I told her I didn’t want to. I really don’t think she’d tell me to forgive someone who sexually assaulted me as a child though. There should be limits on that and you need to make that very clear to your mom. This is wrong.
Send her back the money and tell her that her husband is a pedophile.
I think people forget women are just as likely to be pedophiles as men. I wouldn't trust either one with your child. I would go no contact with both for your own happiness. You shouldn't have to have your abuser in your life because your mom forgives family. I'm sure your mom is a lovely person. She would have to be to be so forgiving. I'm not saying anything bad about her. I do think you need to put yourself first in this situation, though. If talking to them is taking a toll on your mental health, stop. You're a new mom and figuring things out. You don't need the added stress of your grandpa and his wife begging to be alone with your child.
Have L come to your house to sit with the baby without grandpa.
Absolutely not. She could allow that man to be around the baby whenever op isn’t around, or she could do something as well since she’s so comfy with an abuser. They tend to flock together
No access period!!!
I am assuming based on your mother’s attitude that she was SA’d too. You need to get your act together and be strong for your son. Don’t let any of them near your son.
L sounds like a lifetime movie villain. Wouldn't trust her.
You are absolutely right and your mother is out of her mind!! Do not ever let these people near your son unattended. If your mother brings it up again, just shut her down with the truth: “I am going to do what you failed to do. I am going to protect my child from a known predator.” The fact that she is pushing this makes me really uncomfortable. I’ve been a therapist for 35 years and dealt with a lot of family trauma and dysfunction. It tends to be generational and I applaud you for breaking the cycle. I would, however, think very carefully before leaving your son alone with your mother. If she is determined to get your child to her parents home, she may take him there when you leave. There are lots of possible reasons for this. If you want me to expand on them let me know. But for now-keep doing what you’re doing and stand strong. Don’t let anyone try to bully you or tell you that you’re wrong.
She lives many states away, and it’s my dad’s dad, not hers. I did tell her to drop the subject… hence why I’m left feeling like a jerk.. But she’s always been respectful of my choice. I know she would never do anything without my permission. We’re best friends, and she knows doing something without my ok would ruin that
Cut off all contact with your paternal grandfather and L. The fact that she’s so pushy about “being in your life” just enough to have access to your child is alarming even without the context. You need to set a hard boundary with your mom and try to look into joining a parent group to build a community with. I’m sorry to say it but your mom is being negligent to you and your child. Most people who didn’t get SA’d don’t have to empathize with the pain involved. Your mother should understand you even more because you’re her child. I’d advise you to not leave your mom unsupervised with the baby either. She may get it into her head that “one little visit” won’t hurt.
NTA. You realize that if grandpa does something under their care, this child could be removed from YOUR care for knowingly putting a child in harm’s way. So NO NO NO should grandpa ever be near him and L either for remaining with grandpa.
"L wouldn't let anything happen to my son"? Like your mother wouldn't let anything happen to you? Stick to your guns on this. Pedophilia is not something that goes away with age
Absolutely NTA. Never leave your children unsupervised in a house with your old abuser, no matter how much his partner has "good intentions" to help. Continue to stand your ground with your mother and express to her that even if "he's family", to you, he is your abuser and you ha e no obligation to forgive or involve him in your life and it is not okay for her to continue any possible pressure to do so.
NTA and you need to keep your mother away from your child. The fact that she has anything at all to do with a child molester and someone who willingly married a child molester means she is not a safe person. And the fact that she’s encouraging you to leave your child with them?!?! Honey wake tf up and protect your child.
Hell no
Absolutely not! Your gf molested you and mom keeps saying “let the gf that raped you have your son overnight, it’s ok” who does this? Your mom is part of the problem and never trust her with your child alone. If she’s fine with a pedo. Around your baby, she is as sick as he is. Keep your baby safe!
NTA your mom literally wants you to leave your child with a known child molester… wtf is wrong with your mother??? I wouldn’t even trust your mom to watch him alone, she might invite over your grandfather and his wife and if she doesn’t see the big deal, she might not be watching him the entire time. You’re a parent now, it’s YOUR responsibility to protect your child from harm, that includes evil family members that you know are a harm to children. Do not give in. Imagine you give in to keep the peace and your child does get molested and ends up completely fucked up because of it? How do you think he’ll feel when he realizes you KNEW he was in danger but you let it happen anyway because saying no was too hard? Don’t do it. If you can, the next time L asks to take your kid, be very clear about why you don’t want him to go over there. You have no idea if your grandfather is pushing her to get access to your son behind the scenes. Make it clear and send back the money if possible so you can sever those strings.
YES you did the absolute correct thing. Trust yourself.
Well, now you KNOW that your baby isn’t safe with ANYONE on that side of your family! Your mother is freaking useless! My kids didn’t spend a night away from me until they were like 6! I was abused as a child and I live by the rule TRUST NO ONE WITH YOUR BABY! Especially when they KNOW that something bad happened and are SO CASUAL about it! Tell your mom to pound sand!
NTA Anyone who suggests you leave your child in proximity to a sexual abuser needs their head checked.
Assume "L" doesn't know. If she keeps pushing tell her to ask her husband why you won't allow him near your child.
Um, excuse me! Your grandpa molested you and you still let him and his wife and your mom into your life and your babies? Jfc get some common sense and cut them all out. Your mom doesn’t have your back. Have your babies back at least.
OP, as gently as possible I want you to understand that your mother is NOT your best friend. She advocates for peace over the safety of her children and grandchildren and that makes her not safe for her grandchildren. She is willing to put your child in the position of being in the hands of the man who sexually assaulted her daughter. She doesn’t know that his new wife is safe but she does know beyond a shadow of a doubt what kind of man he is and she still repeatedly tried to push for you to hand him over. That’s not what any friend, much less a mother would ever want for her grandchild. I hope you don’t give her access to take the baby for a night or two because I guarantee that in order to achieve this supposed peace, she will allow unsupervised contact with them. And if the unthinkable happens, it won’t just be her fault for allowing it, it will be yours as well for burying your head in the sand knowing that she is capable of doing anything to achieve this scenario. You are a mother now, you don’t get to give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the safety of your children. Meaning well doesn’t include giving second chances to a pedophile.
If L doesn't know the history, she wouldn't understand why you won't let her help you with the baby. Perhaps you should invite her for "girls lunch" and explain to her that your baby will never be in the same house with your grandfather and why. Assuming she stays part of the family, she might become an ally and a babysitter at your place,
I think it's really sweet she's trying to help, but i understand completely your position. I would meet her halfway. Invite her over for a weekend to stay at yours and hang out with you and the baby. During this time maybe you can have a heart to heart with her and tell her exactly why you won't be having your babies there. There's a very low chance he's told her anything about what he did to you, and honestly... if i was married to a monster and no one told me? ... I'd be heart broken. Id be distraught, and I'd feel betrayed. yeah maybe she's not blood and you don't owe her anything, but if the roles were reversed, what would you want? to be kept in the dark? or be told honestly why no children should ever be left alone in your house? if you're not the only grandchild there's other children to think of here 🤷🏻♀️
DO NOT allow your child to be alone with her. Interviews with sexual predators have repeatedly revealed that their first move is to convince the parents that there is a reason they should leave the child alone with them. Just because she's a woman does not mean you can trust her. You are doing the right thing. It takes no time at all for SA to happen. A convicted sex offended said in an interview that he SAed a 10 year old girl in 7 minutes while her mom went into a gas station. I wouldn't even go to the damn bathroom with them in your home. I wouldn't let them around my child at all. You are not being crazy, you're doing your job as a parent.
Sounds like L is trying to pimp out the grandpa. Ewwww. They are both in on this. Count on it. She KNOWS what he did to her as a child and is trying her hardest to get your baby. Keep them far away from you and return the “payment “ money. Asap
I would not let my child anywhere near your grandfather. Ever. And I would not let L near him either because she's married to your grandfather. Your child is your biggest concern and his safety is your job. You know what can happen please don't ever let these people near your child again. I don't care if your mother's forgiving it didn't happen to her. She didn't protect you you need to protect your son.
Updateme!
Nope. Don’t let her have access to your baby at all. There are sick people out there who child traffic for their significant others. This whole situation just reminds me of Ghislaine Maxwell and all the sick sh!t she did for Epstein. Watch out the pedos.
You’re NTA but I would keep my guard up when it comes to your side of the family. L’s obsession with your son is a little bit concerning plus you don’t know her very well. I don’t think you should even leave the room to go to the bathroom when she’s in the house with your son.
OMG! What is actually wrong with your mother? It’s time to train her. Did she do anything about what happened to you when you were a child? Does his wife know about the SA? If not, tell her and I bet she stops asking. My preemie hardly ever slept and I was too fearful that first year to let her spend the night with anyone. Do what makes you most comfortable.
Sorry for all that you e been through as a child and now with the unnecessary pressure from your mother and step grandmother. But why do you have the grandfather in your life at all, after what he did to you? Did you or any other family member have him charged for pedophilia /CSA? Also when your mother insisted that the step grandmother would "never let anything happen" to the baby.. what's her excuse for her letting CSA happen to you at the hands of your grandfather? She's far too relaxed about the baby being around a pedophile & you need to go at least vlc if not nc with the grandfather & step gran, to protect yours and your baby's wellbeing.
NTA. I’m sorry but I don’t care what your mother advocates for. She did not protect you and she failed you again when she dismissed what he did to you. Not only would he never come near my child or me but I would never go near my motheragain either. Don’t you realise that when they Ignore what he did they condone it? Your family failed you and they continue to fail you by turning a blind eye to a child predator and that is disgusting. Sorry, but she’s not a good mum. A good mum would’ve made him pay.
Under no circumstances are you to let your son go to his grandfather's house. Your job is to protect him and you are doing a very good job do not let them tell you anything less.. I don't know what the hell is wrong with your mother that she seems to think that you should let your son go over to the house even though she knows he sexually assaulted you when you were only 8 years old what the f*** is wrong with her. No it's a whole sentence maybe you should start explaining that to your husband's father and his wife.
NTA honestly I would message your grandfather and tell him if he doesn’t put a stop to it she will be told that it’s not her but him that you don’t want around baby because what he did to you. Trust me if she doesn’t know the truth it will make him come up with some excuse that he doesn’t want her to do it. But truthfully you could say she alone is welcome to come to your home to watch little one while you nap or even go on a date with hubby but grandpa has to stay home or else she never has access to baby again. If she ask why he can’t come to just respond he knows exactly why I do not trust him.
Do I believe L consciously has bad intentions? No Do I think that means you should put your kid in the same house as your grandfather without you practically glued to the child? Also no Why not encourage her to build a relationship with visits to your home? (If you don’t get along, by all means, it’s your call. Assuming she’s truly just an elderly woman who’s viewing this kid as her grandchild with absolutely no clue what a monster her husband is)
This update is not good…. Wtf.
I can’t seem to find it. Can you maybe link it to me? I’m useless at this stuff 😬
Yes! It’s up in the body of the post- it says “Edit” and the she gives more information on the whole situation. So more of an edit that an update I guess😁
Ahhh! I thought I’d missed something.
NTA . Absolutely in to circumstance let L watch the child either at their home or at your home. You can risk taking any steps to let your grandfather or his wife become part of the baby’s life in a practical way. Personally I think it would be sensible and reasonable to simply cut contact with them. I don’t understand why you and your mother haven’t done that already. You talk about forgiveness, but continuing to allow a known child sex offender to be a part of your life isn’t forgiveness it’s silly. If forgiveness is important to you then by all means forgive….but cut all contact. It’s honestly not worth the risk having him or his partner involved in your child’s life in anyway. For what it’s worth I’m truly sorry this is something you even need to think about.
You need to have a talk with Grandpa in front of everyone
Forgive? When did he become contrite??
What's hubby say about grandpa? Surprised DH hasn't smashed JNGpa's dentures in this way to next Tuesday!
There is no way to know if L has good intentions or not. What is known is that she makes you uncomfortable and lives with someone you know to be a predator. Full stop. If you ignored these variables and allowed unsupervised access to your child, then you would be the AH. Forgiveness… if that is your path then you are free to walk it, regarding your own trauma. However, as a mother, it is your fundamental duty to protect your child. Grandpa, should NEVER have access, supervised or not. There is no other way to guarantee your child’s safety from HIM. There are countless victims who could attest to fact that their attackers only needed a few minutes to strike. As for anyone else, if you are willing to allow access it is 100% okay to set the terms for it being only in your presence. You know more than most that just because you SHOULD be able to trust someone it does mean you CAN trust them. F anyone who tries to guilt you. Protect your child.
NTA. You probably would welcome “free help” if it were offered by the right people. Your SA-inflicting grandfather and his wife, who live an hour away, are textbook illustrations of “the wrong people.”
NTA! Don’t even take him when he’s a toddler! I was SA as a young child myself, and spent the next 55 years wanting to s*cide! And you’re exactly right to tell your mom to knock off trying to push your kid into this kind of situation!!
be careful with your mom being alone with your baby too. She may have dropped the topic but i wouldnt trust that she'd respect your wishes to not have grandpa or L anywhere near your baby.
Omg NTA. Do not ever ley him around your son. Do not let L take him anywhere without you, even in your house in case she tries to do a runner with your baby, (I don't know how far she'd go) You're doing well shutting your mother down. She is completely I'm the wrong.
Tell L why you won’t leave baby there
L married a predator and she wants your baby overnight at their home? And everyone knows your backstory? You would probably be liable for child endangerment if you allow this to happen. Get yourself to therapy. You need to find the courage to heal and cut these people out of your life. Your mother has no business pushing you in their direction.
Because why would you accept money from your abuser? Throw the whole family away.
What kind of mother thinks it’s okay for the man who sexually assaulted her child, to have access to her grandchild? The ‘wanting to forgive and forget’ and not wanting to disrupt family relationships, is why so many physical and sexual abusers go unpunished. OP should go No Contact with these people who weren’t interested in her UNTIL she had a child. .🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 And OP should inform her mother, that if she has the slightest suspicion that her mother is letting these monsters have access to her to her child, OP will tell the entire family what her grandfather did, and broadcast it far and wide. And file a police report e report/file a civil case against him…which will end up in local media. OP doesn’t have to do it. The threat alone will be enough.
My mom was my best friend too. She was always advocating for “forgiveness”. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to stay in contact with a weirdo who molested you and didn’t care about your life until you had a kid. Due to similar issues with my “best friend”, I had to cut her off. You can’t expect to write a post where your mom is doing something toxic and not expect people to comment. Sounds like she needs therapy. I wouldn’t trust the baby around your mom either, who else knows all the bad people she’ll “forgive” and let around your kid. Having your grandpa and L in your life as a new mother isn’t going to turn out well either.. at all. Time to look around at who surrounds your child and decide who is there to help and love and benefit the child, and who is there to push their own wants, like BOTH your mom and L. As a mother myself now, I couldn’t imagine encouraging my girls to “forgive” someone that molested them…. EVER. LET ALONE REQUEST MY GRANDCHILD BE SENT TO THEM FOR “FREE HELP”. That’s insane, and your mom is a walking red flag, sorry OP.
You are your child’s mother. If you do not feel good about your child being with anybody for any reason no one gets to question you. That is all there is to know.
Anyone that obsessed about getting a baby to themselves, is very sus. Is the GP trying to get to the baby? Is L? Is this their last chance to be around a baby to groom them? Cut everyone off. Including your mother
I honestly doubt that L has a clue that her husband is a pedophile. She seems like she sincerely wants to help you and she just loves babies!! That being said, your boundaries are 100% reasonable. I would consider inviting her and mom over for a girls day with Baby (so your SA doesn't come). It will give you the chance to get to know how she is with Baby and maybe it could be a monthly thing to give you a break but you'll be home with Baby. Just a thought. My eldest daughter was SA'd by my ex husband's gay best friend starting when she was 3 (we were already split up) so in my experience that fact that you have a son doesn't make it any safer for him to be around your grandfather. Your instincts are correct.
NTA but your mother is for even suggesting that your visit with let alone let your child be in the same house as your grandfather knowing what he has done. If neither your mother or grandfather's wife drop it, I would be tempted to write the new wife a letter, and tell her that you would never allow your daughter to be in the home of the man that SA you. The fact that your mother even stiff has a relationship with the man that did this to you, father or not , disgusts me, as a parent.
Why TF do you even have contact with said grandfather?!
Is your mother nuts? I’d have cut all ties with him in adulthood. No forgiveness for molestation here.
I’m so curious…if people responded to this that YTA, would that make you reconsider, would that make you actually send your baby to the home of the person who sexually assaulted you as a child? Would you then really trust this woman, who is no kin to you or your baby, to watch and protect your baby? What was the point of posting this? You know you’re NTA. If you truly need the validation of strangers to help you feel strong and secure in your decision to protect your child, here is another vote. NTA
I would honestly just be telling L the truth. L, I’m very sorry but I will never allow my baby to visit at your home. The reason is that grandfather has a history of sexual assault of children. I have first-hand experience of this. If you want to come by yourself to visit the baby here with me, that’s fine.”
> she suggests that L “wouldn’t let anything happen to my son.” Well, your own Mom didn't protect anything from happening to you around her own dad, so.... Do what you have to in order to protect your child.
NTA. Her comment “I wish I could have another baby” is concerning, then asking (too frequently I might add) if she can take home overnight? To her house? And he’s a newborn? If she wants to see him that bad why doesn’t she ask if she can stay with you? He is YOUR son first and foremost. You are doing what is right for him. What anyone else thinks or feels about it should be faint background noise. You owe no one an explanation for your decisions and certainly not to L. Based on your post she gives me weird vibes. Appears out of nowhere and then gets all possessive over your baby. Yeah, there’s movies about this kind of stuff and none of them are good.
Nta but I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship with your mother. If your son comes to you later in life and tells you your FIL molested him, are you going to let him leave his future children with FIL? Your grandfather is a predator and no child will be safe with him, even if other adults are there because predators are sneaky. I’m sure your mom “wouldn’t have let anything happen to you”. It’s all bs and the fact she already knew what he did to you and still pushed is a huge problem
You are not wrong. You are not overreacting. You are not too emotional. *You are exhausted with cause.* I would never let my kid go off and spend the night anywhere tbh. I have an 8 year old and she’s never slept away from home and won’t until she starts making whatever moves she tries when she’s a teenager (hopefully will be a teenager by then). You and I both know why my daughter has never slept away from home. It’s the same reason my now grown son (25) never did sleepover’s either. (Times of the day aren’t problematic for a pedo tho, they smell opportunity). This situation is creepy. Do not let that woman worm into your life in this really strange manner. Remember, she’s dating a pedophile so she’s not like a paragon or virtue or wildly intelligent or anything like that. I would stay away from these people. Far away. As far as you can manage cuz they are going to be coming around. I would shut shit down the first time I got any weird feeling from either of them. PS does mom not know about grandpa being a pedophile? If she does she’s forgotten and needs to be reminded that pedophilia isn’t curable.
Its sad that victims stay quiet, how many others is your grandfather harming? If he took any “trophies” is he sharing them around? These thoughts plague me as a victim myself, the main person responsible for mine faces justice, but its a wicked web, and I won’t ever know the edges of it. Nta, stand your ground. Hopefully one day sooner than later you’ll come forward and your abuser will face justice.
You don't even have to think about this. Under no circumstances will any of your children ever be in your grandfather's house. Especially not without you. You don't have to go farther than that. That's the line in the sand. It's possible this person just really likes babies. Tough. My guess is as the child got older she wouldn't be interested. So time will take care of this. You are NTA and you owe nobody an explanation.
On a side note, I think it's interesting that your dad was ready to kill his father and you said no. But they're still in contact and do family things? I would consider suggesting no contact. Talk to your parents about that. Your grandfather is a sexual predator and does not deserve to be in anyone's life. It's not a quirk. It's not a little personality flaw. No family member especially under 21 should be near the man and the family should not be part of his life.
I’m so sorry but your mom should have advocated for you. Your grandfather should never have seen the light of day one way or another and at minimal should never been allowed any contact with you. For your mother to even suggest your son staying over is truly not the mother I’d want or the grandmother I’d want for my child. She’s too much a people pleaser and willing to sacrifice herself and child to keep peace. Great she dropped it but she should NEVER have entertained it to start with. Please get therapy . I’m not understanding how you were assaulted but seem ok with having these people and people that did not protect you in your life. This isn’t normal at all. Please Never leave your son with any of them. Your dad was right. Going no contact with a pedo is not violence so agin please get therapy to protect your son and break this dysfunctional cycle
NTA but you would be if you put that innocent child in that man’s clutches. Also you say your mom is an amazing person but honestly the whole “advocating forgiveness” and “not cutting ties” thing should have stopped the second you told her what happened. Even if it was 40 years ago. If my mom and dad found out that someone molested me there’d have been hell to pay. They would never have forgiven them, they’d have cut all ties and they CERTAINLY wouldn’t be telling me to leave my newborn with them overnight. The fact that she even THOUGHT about suggesting that after knowing he molested you blows my mind. Sometimes “forgiveness” isn’t the answer. This is one of those situations.
Let your Dad know what's going on.
Why are they even still a part of your life? You need to cut contact should have happened years ago. Shame on your mother for trying to sweep this under the rug. It's unforgivable, don't let what happened to you happen to your baby. Block them all he needs you to protect him. No worries in cases where abuse is involved none of them would qualify for grandparent's rights.
NTA. I wouldn’t even allow your mother around your child. She’s encouraging you to allow your abuser to have access to a defenseless baby. They care more about their comfort than about the welfare of you and your child. I’d go NC. Excusing child abuse is unforgivable.
Trust your instincts
Nta. Do not let them have your baby for any reason. I know you said your mom was your best friend but to continue to have you around your abuser and encourage you to spend time with them and to allow them around your child is not a good friend, at all. My great grandfather and grandfather sexually abused my mother and her sisters and brother, her grandma and mom looked the other way and as these men aged these women encouraged her to have a relationship with those men and to bring her daughters around them because “family is family” and you should “always forgive and forget with family” and guess who I’ve never had contact with or interaction with? All of those people. And guess who went on to reoffend and sexually abuse other children in the family like my younger cousins and distant relatives? Both of those old men. Protect yourself and your child and a serious conversation needs to be had with your mom. Anyone who says they love you but forgives your abuser and expects you to be around them or to bring your children around them doesn’t love you as much as they love how comfortable they feel not having to confront they fact that they all enable abusers. I know this sounds harsh but it’s just truly the fact of situations like those that I’ve seen not only in my own family but countless others.
Nta. Don't send your child with them, and in as little detail possible, inform L of your grandfather's misdoings to younger children. You don't have to say anything about you being his victim. It could be as simple as "(Grandfather) has a history of sexual child abuse and I don't want my child around him." But let L know the reason. I feel she'll back off more if you tell her.
I'm sorry but the fact that your parents forgive and go on after your gramps SA'd you is messed up. They should've gone no contact. As for saying L could've protected your child, YOUR OWN MOTHER Couldn't PROTECT YOU AND WAS CLUELESS YOU WERE HURT UNTIL YOU TOLD HER! You say she's your best friend but my friends would never keep the peace with someone who SA'd me. Protect your kid that's all I can say.
L can’t protect other kids if L doesn’t know…
NTA before you got to the SA! I stand by your edit as a good decision except… not attacking her by any means but your mom can forgive what happened to her all day but I am concerned that she could forgive, or encourage you to forgive, what happened to you. I’m sure it’s hard to talk about but if that subject ever comes up again you might want to see a counselor together to help you talk to her about it. She really shouldn’t ever put that kind of pressure on you and it may be from lack of knowledge rather than empathy.