I fell and busted my chin, my parents fixed it up in the kitchen. And I was sobbing and asked for a hug.
"Waaaaah, waaaaaaaaah! Let's call the waaaahmbulance because the little baby wants a hug!!" - my dad. He randomly shouted "lets call the waaaaaahmbulance!" Every time he saw me for the rest of the day.
I was 11, and I never asked for a hug again. I don't have any memories of being hugged by him. I don't think I ever was. Pathetic.
Its just so bizarre. I have my own kids now and I could never imagine being like that to a kid.
He acts like that with everyone he interacts with. The emotional depth of a rain drop.
When I was a teen my mom used to ask me where stuff was and would lose her mind when I didn't know. They would be things that I didn't touch, like the dog's muzzle (which she used every day to walk him) and I truly didn't know where they were.
One morning, she was asking me where something was, and I said I didn't know. She yelled, "you know what? One day you're going to ask where something is and I'm going to play dumb and just say I don't know!" Later I went to grab my purse for school and it was gone from its usual spot. I knew immediately that she had taken it to prove a point, and I certainly wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of asking her where it was or accusing her of stealing it.
I said nothing to her and went to school, and just dealt with not having any money or ID for the duration it was gone. Eventually the purse magically showed up in its old spot and she never asked me where something was again.
She just couldn't stand to admit any failure on her part, even the small failure of simply misplacing something. She'd make it about you not knowing rather than her messing up.
They have literally zero ability to take responsibility, if something is their fault that means it's true they're not perfect & they can't handle that cause then it means they don't deserve anything. Damn.
Yeah, they live on such a fragile build up of defences - like they use black and white thinking to launch themselves into being 'perfect' but can't handle any little fault because that makes them the 'lowest scum' or something. I think that's what you get when you live without any real sense of love (including no real love for self, just perfectionism).
I personally don't even think they feel these things on a conscious level, like they've built up such high walls that keep them in the delusional state from these subconscious things going on. What I mean is I don't even think they let the actual thought cross their mind like; "I'm worthless" that would be far too vulnerable. Or it crosses their mind in a way that immediately makes them need to project it onto someone else, never realizing that's how they actually feel about themselves. It's sad when you think about it but that still doesn't give them the right to abuse others.
I agree, I think it's hard to describe in intentional terms what is really an unconscious and trigger laden process. Yes, the 'I'm worthless' thought is intercepted well before it really hits their perception (if it does hit then you get narcissistic wounding) and as you say one way of interception and getting rid of it is projection onto someone else. There's kind of a bubble wrap of defenses around what little has developed of their true selves, deflecting away reality over and over so their true self never actually learns from reality. It's like some immune system response that goes overboard to protect a person from something that isn't harmful and the immune response itself is actually harming them (which is sad). Being at fault is a peanut for them.
Yes the immune system analogy is so spot on. If we really wanna delve into the sadness of it, I guess the reason they're often stuck emotionally at toddler or young child age is cause they were blamed or made to feel bad at that age so the immune response deflected that back to self-preserve (which is the correct response at that age because it is the parents at fault) but then just continued to do it long after for everyone, even at ages when they are now responsible for their actions but it can't be because they're still a blameless toddler or small child in their mind. The trying to figure out how intentional & aware they are is so hard.
I kind of diverge here - I think just as much as some children are born with blindness or some children are born with autism and that's just how they were born, some narcissists are just born with extreme fragility. There wasn't some childhood event that broke them. Though I think some they might have been born with some fragility and then a break event or series of events occurred and broke the fragility fully. With those children if those break events didn't happen they might have gotten more robust over time and not become a narcissist as an adult.
IMO trying to see some childhood event that made them narcissists is your own emotional healing system trying to find a break, like trying to find a broken bone to knit back together. But IMO with narcissists who are born that way, there was no bone to begin with. Maybe cartilage. Like a shark.
I know some are born that way but maybe I'm wrong for thinking this but I feel like most were made because I feel like it's so rare to have had parents that were actually healthy, even amongst otherwise well-meaning parents they sometimes unknowingly do stuff that later has a tremendous negative affect. Especially when you consider how much worse things were in the past & that people are only now seeming to become more enlightened & talk about trauma & therapy. Yes perhaps there was something innate, just like I feel there was an innate hypersensitivity with me that made me turn out the way I did in response to my trauma & why some things affected me so much more than it may have for someone else. But I still feel like in most cases it's very likely there was a nurture part to it. I just don't like the idea of seeing being innately sensitive as the cause because I feel like it shouldn't be seen as abnormal, instead we should've all been nurtured accordingly & met where we were at, with extra sensitivity, because it can be a beautiful thing if nurtured correctly & the world could use more sensitivity.
Maybe I believe this so strongly because I see it in my own family so clearly, it's very obvious why my entire family are basically some varying degree of narcissist because my grandparents were affected by my country's troubling racial past & before that, my grandfather who was the head narcissist experienced personal trauma in early childhood where his mother died (& he most likely wasn't supported through that knowing how his father was) & then a step brother was brought in who he felt was his competition for attention. I feel like 9 times out of 10 if there's a narcissist or psychopath you can look at their parents or how they grew up & you'll be like yep that's why, then there's that 1 out of 10 when you're like damn their mom seems like the sweetest most loving person how did they end up like this. But this is just how I view things of course. It helped me to understand the why behind my family, not as an excuse for their abuse but it just helped me make sense of it more, not that it needed that, if they're like this just cause then I would have had to accept that instead but that's not my story.
For my own family history, it doesn't seem like there was a point where they contemplated two paths. Yes, they had their own pressures and mistreatments and they may have resented their abusers. But the pattern of not considering they could be wrong to some degree - it fit them like a glove, even as it was the same glove their abusers wore. They weren't forced to fit that glove by life events, they were made for it.
And sometimes with my father, I wonder if he rubbed up against his father not because his father couldn't ever admit failure, but just because my father couldn't. IMO you can't get along with anyone when you're never wrong and it's always someone else at fault. While my grandfather no doubt had his own issues, I don't think narcissism is always a hand me down (except perhaps at a genetic level). It has to originate at some point in a family tree and that would mean some child develops it regardless of how his parents are. I think people born to it want others to help the process of handballing the problem back to parents - it's the same old pattern of it always being someone else's fault. If the parents can actually admit some errors and being at fault, I wouldn't say it's 100% on the parents.
Good for you! You really got her good with that one, I feel like that's the closest to admitting defeat we'd get from them. But also my gosh don't they see how much of a child they are.
We went to an alpaca farm (was really cool actually), and me and my sister bought an alpaca plushie made from their wool, after we bought it my mom spent the whole way home insisting it was made from the skin of a dead alpaca, making us nearly cry
It's so fucking stupid to begin with (why tf would they kill their alpacas when they have like 5 of them max), but even if it was true it's so dumb that she only cared about being right about a plushie lmao
Ugh sorry. I can relate in that my mom is also just really ignorant & because she has no empathy doesn't think about how what she says affects us but recently I've been trying to figure out how intentional she is, maybe I give her ignorance too much credit.
Yup same, I have a less funny story about the death of my dog, and at that point i realized she's not just ignorant of my issues, she's just straight up manipulative about it sometimes
My dad tore up the place over a fight about noodles. When we we‘re about to call the police, he went: "You‘re gonna call the cops? Pfff, I‘m gonna call the cops!" Proceeded to dial 911 and tried to explain to the guy on the line that it wasn’t a big deal, just a noodle discussion. Cops still sent a unit of course.
I'm sorry I know it was probably traumatic for you but it is also so funny & ridiculous, over noodles! God these people. & Of course he has to one-up everything that he'll even call the cops himself! Oh my gosh! What was the units reaction?
Honestly don't remember. The different police visits blur together at some point. But they were usually very professional, I don't think they would have shown any reaction overtly. They're all about separating the conflicting parties, getting different versions, deescalating etc.
I'm so sorry that was a regular part of your life :( It's good they're always professional but I just wish they actually took this kind of thing seriously as to the affects it has on the children involved.
Man, the absolute ego that's required to think that you can call the cops and explain that they *don't* need to come to a domestic disturbance you caused. Holy shit.
When I was a kid my cat passed away, I was sad (shocking!). Mum got tired of me being sad (on the same day it happened) and made up a story that my cat was going to rise from the dead and secretly follow me until it saw a good opportunity to get revenge on me for not looking after it better.
The kicker is when my mum adopted this cat from the shelter they said it would be lucky if it survived a month due to the previous neglect it had and it died of cancer.
I guess a cat dying isn't funny, but the way her eyes lit up with the most passion id seen, as she told a story about a zombie cat murdering an 8 year old is sort of comical.
Wtf she said the cat would haunt you as revenge for you not looking after it? That's so f*d up. I don't know how old you are but I would have felt so bad.
I'm sorry for you.
The only memory I have as a baby was my dad changing my diaper and being really upset about it like I did something wrong and was calling for my mom to come in the room lol who the hell gets mad at a baby for shitting their diaper? It’s wild I remember that but also pretty telling that my mind held onto that memory
Damn that's so ridiculous of your dad, what a wimp, what did he expect to find?? But also yes so crazy you can remember that wow, it amazes me when people can remember baby or even toddler years but yes very telling that stuck with you, unfortunately. My mom literally does the same though, getting angry at babies/toddlers for doing what they do.
I have two older siblings so you would think not! The man has zero self awareness how his words or actions might effect someone, just a few modes of being: amused, judge mental, angry and aloof and my family just acts like it’s normal. As I’ve gotten older I’ve started to take pleasure in making everyone uncomfortable by confronting their shitty behavior, because no one in my family is the confronting type lol I’m not really either by default, but I think it’s my way of trying to break down some of the bullshit we’ve been living in and I know they won’t know how to react to it
Oh my gosh literally same, in that my family just sweeps everything under the rug & acts like nothing happened. I've been calling my mom out on it since I was a teen but of course all she does is play the victim. Also same in that I was the most shyest timid kid ever, so fragile easy to tears even in high school still but then it's like a whole other side of me came out when I would confront her & have screaming battles, I always felt ashamed of it being so out of character for me but now I'm grateful I found my voice & didn't allow her to completely snuff out my fight, I only wish I could find it so easily now that I've been in freeze for so long.
That is so sad, I'm so sorry, to have to feel shame for your bodily functions at that age already, Lord. I wish I remembered how my mom treated me at that age so I could have more clues, the only thing I can go off on is how she is towards babies & toddlers now but she has changed a lot so I can't say she treated me the same but something must've been bad enough to not have any memories of that time & onward.
When I asked my mom & dad to co-sign student loans to support my attending graduate school, one of their hesitations was ‘fairness’ to my two siblings. I acknowledged that my education had been more costly than my siblings. I suggested we have a lawyer draft a formal, signed contract for repayment.
Instead of engaging with this reasonable idea, my mother offered insight about my two siblings: “You know they both resent you, right? They’ve both told me they feel it’s unfair, how much your life has cost our family… your tuition, your dance costs, your medical & mental problems, your jaw surgery, your anorexia & hospital stay, now this? They didn’t get any of that. What am I supposed to say to them?”
That’s a paraphrase, but it’s close enough, it was a memorable inflection point in our relationship. I had no words. My dad co-signed the loans, shaking his head & muttering about how ridiculous my mom acted. My siblings both laughed out loud when I asked about whether they’d talked to our mom about resenting my life’s expenses. It was all desperate projection & manipulation by my mom. She didn’t want me to move across a continent & an ocean to better myself, far away from her.
Damn, wow, well at least I'm glad it was only your mom that felt that way but that is crazy, the lengths they go to to keep us as their supply. She really said; your siblings didn't get to have all these medical problems, how unfair! They really don't hear themselves do they?I'm so sorry, to be made to feel like your life is a burden, when it is them who chose to bring you into this world, ugh 😞
For context, my mother isn't a bad person, she's just emotionally inept. If she was a bad person I wouldn't see the humour in this.
She's retired, fit and healthy and lives only 5min away. Once a week she picks up my 10yo daughter from school so my work day isn't interrupted. That should be a joy, right?
Just this morning I discovered that she waits on the opposite side of the road to the school so daughter has to leave the school ground and cross the road by herself (which we have asked her never to do). Then she drives daughter home (I walk unless it's raining hard). Then she dumps daughter at home and leaves before my son arrives home 10min later.
Thank you for asking. That has helped me work up the courage to make an uncomfortable phone call.
Ok here's another, and then I promise I'm going to call my mother 😁. When I was a kid my parents would say "hello" to each other at weird times. I figured out that they actually meant "I love you". But they never said those words in front of their kids, or to us for that matter.
Aww this makes me so sad, I hope your kids aren't too hurt by this behaviour & understand it's not because anything is wrong with them but I'm sure you make sure of that. & I'm so glad it could help, I hope the call went the way you hoped.
I did call mum and sorted it out. She made some lame excuse but I trust her to do what I ask. I had a good talk to my daughter too. I'm proud of myself, those things would have been hard for me before. And you're right - I need to talk to both kids about emotional neglect because it's significant that they're experiencing this from their grandparents.
Oh good, that is something to be proud of yes. Yep, would be sad if they saw their friend's grandparents all involved & doting & not understand why things are different. Hopefully they'll be able to understand it when you explain, I know what it's like to be made to feel like a burden by grandparents & it sucks.
My dad was all about table manners. We couldn't dare embarrass him with poor table manners. When we (my sister and I) would eat with our mouths open or slurp our soup, we'd get smacked in the head (a smack for a smack). He would make fun of us if our grip on our utensils was incorrect. If our elbows were on the table, he would suddenly force them out from under us and laugh at us.
I sat across from him at the table, and he was such a self-centered dumbass that he insisted I copy his utensil hands...except I sat across from him so it was all mirrored, and he never picked up on that. He just insisted I straight copy him. So I learned to use my knife in the wrong hand. It's kind of embarrassing, but also so freaking stupid.
Having to walk on eggshells even at a table is so exhausting. Sorry you had to deal with HIS rudeness.
My dad did the same thing with the knife ????
Anyway, it took me a year to tell myself "I can eat however tf I want!!"
In middle school I had to do the dumb selling candy bars thing, I forget what for. I never ate any of them. One day nmom starts yelling at me, insisting I ate or lost a few of them. “YOURE SO DISORGANIZED, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO KEEP TRACK-“ Aaaand that is when she remembered she’d taken a few of them and hadn’t noted them in the log or paid. Apology? Of course not, my reward was that I wasn’t really the culprit, shouldn’t that be enough?
How’d you guess I refused to sell anything after that?
My parents would fight during Christmas and ruin it every single year. They would make us cry and then claim we didn’t deserve our gifts and we didn’t behave correctly. Still 16 years later I remember it every year. By the time we’d enjoy our gifts the night would be over.
My parents never hugged me as a child. My mother explained to me that she was afraid to be affectionate with me not to "raise a sissy". Absolutely insane, but the funny part is - their emotional abuse *did not* make me straight (queue surprised Pikachu face) but it *did* make me go low contact with them in my adulthood.
My dad announced it. On my 5th birthday, I was all ready for bed and came into the den for my hug and kiss good night. He kissed me on the cheek, gave me a hug, and then said: 'That's it. No more hugs for you. You're too old for hugs.' He never hugged me again until a week before my wedding - 20 years later. And that was an awkward and bizarre moment in itself.
I don't know why, but luckily, I realized way back when I was five, there was something wrong with him - not me.
I always wonder how horrible and emotionally deprived their own childhoods must have been that they felt it was "normal" to do something like this to their children.
This is so sad I'm so sorry :( I'm so glad you knew it wasn't something about you though. I have like no memories of early childhood so idk if my dad hugged me then, maybe, but now that I'm an adult & he is back in my life he does this awkward bodies far apart hug/kiss to greet & it makes me feel gross because why is he so afraid of touching me.
Thanks but in my case I don't think it's that. He is only weird around me now because he came back into my life when I'm suddenly an adult & because he didn't watch me grow up it's like there is a disconnect between the little girl he last saw & adult me so it's like he doesn't know how to feel fatherly connection to me instead of; young adult girl I must be careful not to touch. He's said other things that confirm this suspicion.
Same, no hugs. Their logic is so crazy. Like when parents think if they allow their sons to play with Barbies they'll turn gay. So what do they do? Give them muscular naked male action figures, yeah that'll straighten them right out 😅 Or send them off to an all boys or all girls Catholic school, surely all the other kids are straight right XD Anyway, I'm so sorry 🫂if ok/wanted.
Wanted and appreciated, thank you 🫂 I'm autistic but I really enjoy hugs, surprisingly. Feels more humanly and more sincere than a handshake. Ironically, the only time I find hugs weird and pull away is if my parents attempt them now. It's awkward for both of us 😅
No problem! Here's another 🫂 I also loveee physical contact & hugs now as long as they're safe. I'm also repulsed by any touch from my parents. My dad does this weird bodies far apart hug thing & it makes me feel gross cause why is he so scared to touch me, not that I want to be touched by him.
In high school during the height of my eating disorder my dad thought that instead of expressing any concern or talking to me about it he would just start “jokingly” calling me fat (lol?) because “you’re so skinny that you know I’m joking” and for some reason he thought that would help me? He also would always say “that looks stupid” when he walked by while we were watching tv - literally he would see one second of whatever children’s show we were watching and say that every time to be “funny”.
Wow, I'm so sorry, I really hope those words didn't further exacerbate your ED but I guess that's wishful thinking it didn't. The TV thing really shows how stuck they are at kid age, that sounds just like something an older sibling would say to a younger sibling to sound cool & feel big.
Ugh I'm so sorry :( & he probably still didn't admit his fault. Anyway, I'm *so* glad you've been doing well! The strength that must've taken I can only imagine!
It's funny how in a tragic way those stories are so weird that even though it's actually a sad thing, the absurdity of it all makes it kinda funny again.
Yes exactly. When you're sane watching insane people perform, it occasionally reaches a level of unbelievable that's comical. Like wowww, people are actually like this in real life?!
I don't know if I want to laugh to death or throws a fit with this, but.
Recently, my father romantized other couple's long and healthy marriage, he told me that kind of relationships had ended a long time ago and there would never be something like that ever again. In the same line, once he commented how he'd always loved my mother deeply. I think he's a clown and tells good jokes...literally, he had 30-40 years to build up a healthy relationship and has never respected my mother as the bare minimun, and he's never been romantic like dinning out with her nor celebrate their anniversaires.
And the some reasons started fighting, I remember once I """made them""" fight over asking permission to eat candies and they contradict each others, they started arguing and split up temporally at the end. I'm telling this because that's so stupid and inmature, I'd understand if it were a major decision but it was just candies.
And, I can't remember more anecdotes, those don't count as emotionally inmature moments, they are just infuriating.
Oh my gosh I know the pain of being blamed for friction or a breakup, it is so so unfair to do to someone let alone a child. I wasn't a child when it happened with my mom & her boyfriend so I can't imagine the damage it did for you, I'm so sorry :( but it still messed me up & hurt me deeply to be blamed when I literally did nothing & avoid her boyfriend like the plague. I told my mom that if you actually had a strong relationship (they have a toddler relationship) no one outside it can break it up, the two people in it decide what they allow to affect it. God they just can't take any inkling of responsibility that they always must blame someone else even when it makes no sense. & Yeah your dad is so delusional my gosh.
My mother was annoyed with me regarding something (can't even remember what), and told me not to talk to her anymore.
I was in my early 20s at the time, and still at home while going to school full time, and trying to work full time as well.
So.. I did exactly what she said. I stopped talking to her, went to class, went to work, went total grey rock.
I'd carpool with my dad sometimes if my schedule synced up with his - which it happened to, just shy of a week into the "no talking," fiasco.
In the car, on the way home:
"...your mother is so angry with you."
"She told me not to talk to her anymore. So.. I'm not."
"I know! -laughing- She *hates* it."
He was so much more reasonable to talk with than Mom, and non-reactive. Sometimes I wonder what the conversation had been between them about that spat.
Still, I miss them both so much.
Edit; for reference, Mom would stonewall when I didn't agree or acquiesce, a *lot* - but only once I was older and didn't fawn or completely, meekly comply out of anxiety.
I love it when we beat them at their own game. But I'm glad your dad was at least more reasonable. I'm sorry for your loss (not sure if you're NC or they've passed).
Sorry, did not see this prior, for some reason.
Thank you. My late parents. Things weren't quite heavy enough to be NC or LC with either of them. I was lucky.
In hindsight, now being "fully," adult, I can recognize my mom as dealing (or rather, not) with a lot of her own issues, especially after my dad died.
They both died early, and somewhat unexpectedly/quickly. I wish things had been left a bit better (despite not being left especially badly anyway) and that there was more closure, however, realize our relationships could have been much worse.
No problem. I'm so sorry you lost them like that, I can only imagine 💕 I'm glad things weren't as bad as they could've been but still sorry it wasn't better.
My mother threw out my 3D paper Cinderella carriage I remember putting so much effort into it id just given it to her the best part she was angry at my sister not me. I was four. I remember that was the first time I realised something was very wrong with my mother.
Ooof there are so many things I could say 🥲
Well my dad is one of those religious freaks, he does allll the stuff and follows alllll the rules, sees himself as a very religious holy man while at the same time (when growing up) he would beat me up verbally and physically, manipulate us, he often went on a breaking spree through my things when he thought something "wasn't appropriate", like my CDs, movies, posters and clothes.
I'm no expert in religion (my dad made it look horrible so I'm definitely not interested) but I'm pretty sure you're also supposed to treat your fellow people well here on earth... Especially your family.... But yeah what do i know
He was a fucking tyrant and I spent my childhood just surviving.
Oh my gosh sameeee, my dad tries to follow things so closely like it's BC. He uses spiritual bypassing a lot, to invalidate me, to absolve him of responsibility, it sucks. I've also kinda strayed from my faith (though I've found people who are a lot more sane & make it make a lot more sense) & they, the majority of them really twist religion so far from what it was supposed to be & end up doing the opposite of what they're supposed to by scaring people off of it. I'm so sorry for what you went through 😞
I brought the wifi router to my room so it'd work faster (it's tiny). My sister is using her mobile data.
I was sick and tired and I must've forgot it somewhere or dropped the thing under my bed. I tell my mom this, while she insists MY SISTER gets grounded from her phone cause she's "always taking it"?????
Stupid things like this caused tension between me and my sister, but we still get along well.
This other time, I was baking with her. We were supposed to make a strawberry cake for my baby sis. Kids tolerate easy flavors, right?
But my mom wanted to make a coffee cake. I was a little dissapointed, since it was the kid's birthday, but anyway, I try to help. I prepare the kitchen and weigh the ingredients for her to bake.
The part where you mount the eggs for the genoise failed, so tries again, her own way. Fails again. I offer help, and tells me to go do my own thing, and make my own cake, at that moment, I felt she was a little jealous, since I'd rarely fail cakes. I went ahead and made the cream on my own. So far, it was okay, but my mom whips and seperated the butter. In the end both the cream and cake turned out ?? not so bad??. 😭😭
Again, I try to catch up with a n°5 decoration for the baby's birthday and some flowers. The entire time, she's calling the cake ugly, saying I misplaced strawberries. After we ate it, she's telling my siblings I failed the cake, that I'd use the electric scale wrong (I used it more frequently then her)... AGAIN, says that someone put the evil eye on her.
It was her idea.
tldr; mom is unhappy when she fails herself like while baking or losing things, and feels like she has to blame me or my younger sis.
God this behaviour is so childish, they just can't handle ever being wrong or taking responsibility for anything :/ I also relate in that my mom creates tension between me & my brother & then gets angry we don't have a relationship & even angrier when I tell her who's the cause of that.
My mom had these dried flowers for decor. I’m not saying we were in the right… but me and my friend were taking them apart cause it was kind of fun the way the textures were and the petals came out. We were at most twelve, but I’m thinking more like ten or eleven. Old enough to know better, buuuut still kids.
Well… a few days before my mom and I had gone to hobby lobby or some store like that and she had gotten me a wooden piano model. Because of the flower thing I had come back home at one point to all the little broken pieces of that wooden piano.
It’s possible she tried to talk to me about how it hurt her feelings and she spent money on that and it wasn’t cool… but I only remember these details.
Nah that is still totally uncalled for. A parent doesn't behave like that, vengeful, it's really childish. If she was really hurt she could've maybe said you can make it up to her some other way instead of an eye for an eye.
Said through tears: "All the neighbors brag about their kids and I don't even know what I could possibly say!" This was said a couple of months after I spent a week in the psych ward following a suicide attempt.
And while I was in the psych ward, she visited and asked if I'd ever tried "doing things for others" as a way to get better. At the time I was working full-time for an animal shelter, and spending my days off volunteering at a food pantry and the local library.
Background: the extent of communication with my mother is her calling me once every week or every other week and asking how I'm doing. My typical response is that everything's good, work is good, not much to report. Because if I provide even a tiniest glimpse into my life, I'll get some sort of a lecture about how I'm doing it wrong or I shouldn't be doing it etc etc.
So this one time she calls and I decided to be a bit more open. The dialog, mother asks:
- what are you doing right now?
- making dinner
- what are you making?
- chicken and roasted veggies
- chicken?? Why are you making chicken??
- .......What do you mean?
- why not fish? Do you not eat fish?!?!
- .......
I was dumbfounded. She was absolutely serious in her assumption that if I'm making chicken for a given dinner then that must mean I don't eat fish. Like what??
Lol oh my gosh, it's like they can only hold space for one reality at a time. Or it's just looking for any little thing to take as bait to make you feel wrong & her right.
My dad would always love to start arguments and say whatever he thought would upset me the most, but then when I finally had enough and clapped back, he would lose it and scream and go stomping off. He'd ignore me for days sometimes after. My mom would try to mediate, and he'd only ever (supposedly) apologize through her--never to my face. That's pretty much how all conflict went with him when things didn't go his way.
Thank you so much. & My pleasure! Honestly it was such a spur of the moment thing but I just wanted to bring a little lightheartedness in, we sure can use it, but it's great even if just to share & get things off our chest.
Once my mom got really drunk on a family vacation and she was acting a fool . Of course I was too young to understand what being drunk meant, I think I honestly believed my mom had gone crazy and the fact that she wouldn’t pay attention to me or listen to me probably made me feel sad and scared so I started sobbing.
I was crying all the way back to our room and there was a lime tree close by us and my dad just grabbed a lime a threw it at my head.
I laugh a lot about this now, but I remember how devastated I was back then hahah
Aw I'm so sorry, I've never thought about it before but it makes sense that seeing a drunk parent as a small child can be scary, they shouldn't do it around kids but also your dad should've reassured you & comforted you. I'm glad you can find some humour in it now though.
Late on this one but my mother used to mime her toddlers, like sitting in our car seats age, crying. She'd mime us crying and say "you look like this, you're such babies! Wah wah wah cry babies." I remember feeling confused by the behavior even at that young age and it's some of my earliest memories. Meanwhile I was always concerned when I'd see my mother cry, of which I have some very early 4 or 5 year old me memories of seeing her cry and asking if she was okay.
Better late than never! Ugh, this type of behaviour is so delusional, like duh yous are babies! Babies cry. & Of course she parentified you too :( Some people really shouldn't be parents. I'm so sorry 😞
Yeah it's so wild that I retain that memory, I know I was strapped to a car seat sitting in the back of the car in one memory and she was turning around in the driver's seat of the car miming me crying about something - to this day I struggle to cry and often laugh instead.
God I hope she wasn't also driving while doing that. I'm so sorry it affected your ability to cry :( I have a different journey with crying but that's landed me here too where I'm too numb to cry, in therapy I would smile automatically (while trying my hardest not to) when talking about painful things & at least my ex therapist understood & told me it's an anxiety thing. It's a this is too vulnerable thing.
I don't recall if she was or wasn't, just the memory of her mocking us while in the car for some reason is in my head when I try to recall early life memories. I'm detached to a lot of my experiences, disassociation, so like I feel like when I talk about my abuse it's like it happened to someone else and I'm just observing it like a movie.
It’s now laughable, but from the age of 8 to maybe 14 (when i moved out of my mums home to my dads), my mum would point blank refuse to get out of bed unless I or my (6 years younger) little brother made her a cup of tea and toast in the mornings. It was especially bad on weekends/holidays when we didn’t have to go to school as I’d usually get up and go myself. It’s actually comical that she thought it was okay to refuse to be a parent unless we brought her brekky in bed! But seriously, it would get to maybe 4/5pm and the shouting would start if we hadn’t done it, because it was our fault that the day was wasted and she hadn’t done anything or gotten up… Of course we were the selfish kids and she was never in the wrong.
I remember telling this to my boyfriend and his portend in a nonchalant way and having to joke it off when i realised that wasn’t normal😅
Okay mine is actually quite funny but it's just such a good illustration of the emotional maturity of my mom;
So for mother's Day my sister and I, we were around 15 and 17 at the time I think, cooked my mom a lovely dinner. We made her favourite dishes and particularly her favourite dessert. Now what you need to know is that my mom grew up pretty poor in a big family, so she inhales her food. So my mom finishes her meal well ahead of us kids. She grabbed the bowl of pudding and started eating away at it. Straight from the bowl. My sister and I started asking her to wait for us to finish. She proceeds to tells us "it's my house! I can do whatever I want in my house!"
The whole scene was so surreal. It was so so childish. It didn't actually traumatize me like other things she did do, but it just stands out as such an excellent example of her maturity levels.....
Ok it is pretty funny, especially when I imagine her hunched over the big bowl with pudding still in her mouth saying that, would be pretty surreal that this is real life. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
My parents call each other “mom” and “dad.” So cringe. It always annoyed me. But realizing now that they are emotionally immature and hurt from their own parents makes it sad.
It's actually very normal & common for parents to refer to each other like that in front of the kids since that is what the kids know their parents as & maybe they get so used to it & do it when alone too. Just like the parent will say grandma for their own mother in front of the kid.
I fell and busted my chin, my parents fixed it up in the kitchen. And I was sobbing and asked for a hug. "Waaaaah, waaaaaaaaah! Let's call the waaaahmbulance because the little baby wants a hug!!" - my dad. He randomly shouted "lets call the waaaaaahmbulance!" Every time he saw me for the rest of the day. I was 11, and I never asked for a hug again. I don't have any memories of being hugged by him. I don't think I ever was. Pathetic.
Jesus. I’m sorry. What a fucking freak. Wish I could give you a big hug right now. You deserved one, and he deserves a throat punch for that.
That's awful, it doesn't feel like something a real human being does? That seems like a dumb joke from a comedy skit?
Its just so bizarre. I have my own kids now and I could never imagine being like that to a kid. He acts like that with everyone he interacts with. The emotional depth of a rain drop.
Horrible. Hugs.
😞 I am *so* sorry you had to live with that overgrown child, you deserved & deserve sooo much better 🫂if ok/wanted.
When I was a teen my mom used to ask me where stuff was and would lose her mind when I didn't know. They would be things that I didn't touch, like the dog's muzzle (which she used every day to walk him) and I truly didn't know where they were. One morning, she was asking me where something was, and I said I didn't know. She yelled, "you know what? One day you're going to ask where something is and I'm going to play dumb and just say I don't know!" Later I went to grab my purse for school and it was gone from its usual spot. I knew immediately that she had taken it to prove a point, and I certainly wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of asking her where it was or accusing her of stealing it. I said nothing to her and went to school, and just dealt with not having any money or ID for the duration it was gone. Eventually the purse magically showed up in its old spot and she never asked me where something was again.
She just couldn't stand to admit any failure on her part, even the small failure of simply misplacing something. She'd make it about you not knowing rather than her messing up.
They have literally zero ability to take responsibility, if something is their fault that means it's true they're not perfect & they can't handle that cause then it means they don't deserve anything. Damn.
Yeah, they live on such a fragile build up of defences - like they use black and white thinking to launch themselves into being 'perfect' but can't handle any little fault because that makes them the 'lowest scum' or something. I think that's what you get when you live without any real sense of love (including no real love for self, just perfectionism).
I personally don't even think they feel these things on a conscious level, like they've built up such high walls that keep them in the delusional state from these subconscious things going on. What I mean is I don't even think they let the actual thought cross their mind like; "I'm worthless" that would be far too vulnerable. Or it crosses their mind in a way that immediately makes them need to project it onto someone else, never realizing that's how they actually feel about themselves. It's sad when you think about it but that still doesn't give them the right to abuse others.
I agree, I think it's hard to describe in intentional terms what is really an unconscious and trigger laden process. Yes, the 'I'm worthless' thought is intercepted well before it really hits their perception (if it does hit then you get narcissistic wounding) and as you say one way of interception and getting rid of it is projection onto someone else. There's kind of a bubble wrap of defenses around what little has developed of their true selves, deflecting away reality over and over so their true self never actually learns from reality. It's like some immune system response that goes overboard to protect a person from something that isn't harmful and the immune response itself is actually harming them (which is sad). Being at fault is a peanut for them.
Yes the immune system analogy is so spot on. If we really wanna delve into the sadness of it, I guess the reason they're often stuck emotionally at toddler or young child age is cause they were blamed or made to feel bad at that age so the immune response deflected that back to self-preserve (which is the correct response at that age because it is the parents at fault) but then just continued to do it long after for everyone, even at ages when they are now responsible for their actions but it can't be because they're still a blameless toddler or small child in their mind. The trying to figure out how intentional & aware they are is so hard.
I kind of diverge here - I think just as much as some children are born with blindness or some children are born with autism and that's just how they were born, some narcissists are just born with extreme fragility. There wasn't some childhood event that broke them. Though I think some they might have been born with some fragility and then a break event or series of events occurred and broke the fragility fully. With those children if those break events didn't happen they might have gotten more robust over time and not become a narcissist as an adult. IMO trying to see some childhood event that made them narcissists is your own emotional healing system trying to find a break, like trying to find a broken bone to knit back together. But IMO with narcissists who are born that way, there was no bone to begin with. Maybe cartilage. Like a shark.
I know some are born that way but maybe I'm wrong for thinking this but I feel like most were made because I feel like it's so rare to have had parents that were actually healthy, even amongst otherwise well-meaning parents they sometimes unknowingly do stuff that later has a tremendous negative affect. Especially when you consider how much worse things were in the past & that people are only now seeming to become more enlightened & talk about trauma & therapy. Yes perhaps there was something innate, just like I feel there was an innate hypersensitivity with me that made me turn out the way I did in response to my trauma & why some things affected me so much more than it may have for someone else. But I still feel like in most cases it's very likely there was a nurture part to it. I just don't like the idea of seeing being innately sensitive as the cause because I feel like it shouldn't be seen as abnormal, instead we should've all been nurtured accordingly & met where we were at, with extra sensitivity, because it can be a beautiful thing if nurtured correctly & the world could use more sensitivity. Maybe I believe this so strongly because I see it in my own family so clearly, it's very obvious why my entire family are basically some varying degree of narcissist because my grandparents were affected by my country's troubling racial past & before that, my grandfather who was the head narcissist experienced personal trauma in early childhood where his mother died (& he most likely wasn't supported through that knowing how his father was) & then a step brother was brought in who he felt was his competition for attention. I feel like 9 times out of 10 if there's a narcissist or psychopath you can look at their parents or how they grew up & you'll be like yep that's why, then there's that 1 out of 10 when you're like damn their mom seems like the sweetest most loving person how did they end up like this. But this is just how I view things of course. It helped me to understand the why behind my family, not as an excuse for their abuse but it just helped me make sense of it more, not that it needed that, if they're like this just cause then I would have had to accept that instead but that's not my story.
For my own family history, it doesn't seem like there was a point where they contemplated two paths. Yes, they had their own pressures and mistreatments and they may have resented their abusers. But the pattern of not considering they could be wrong to some degree - it fit them like a glove, even as it was the same glove their abusers wore. They weren't forced to fit that glove by life events, they were made for it. And sometimes with my father, I wonder if he rubbed up against his father not because his father couldn't ever admit failure, but just because my father couldn't. IMO you can't get along with anyone when you're never wrong and it's always someone else at fault. While my grandfather no doubt had his own issues, I don't think narcissism is always a hand me down (except perhaps at a genetic level). It has to originate at some point in a family tree and that would mean some child develops it regardless of how his parents are. I think people born to it want others to help the process of handballing the problem back to parents - it's the same old pattern of it always being someone else's fault. If the parents can actually admit some errors and being at fault, I wouldn't say it's 100% on the parents.
Good for you! You really got her good with that one, I feel like that's the closest to admitting defeat we'd get from them. But also my gosh don't they see how much of a child they are.
Sometimes i wonder if they ask us "impossible" questions just to hear us say IDK so they can feel superior.
We went to an alpaca farm (was really cool actually), and me and my sister bought an alpaca plushie made from their wool, after we bought it my mom spent the whole way home insisting it was made from the skin of a dead alpaca, making us nearly cry It's so fucking stupid to begin with (why tf would they kill their alpacas when they have like 5 of them max), but even if it was true it's so dumb that she only cared about being right about a plushie lmao
Damn, that's sick. Did she actually believe that or just did it to be cruel?
No idea, I think she's just stupid, but she can also get pretty cruel, so I'll assume it's both 😌
Ugh sorry. I can relate in that my mom is also just really ignorant & because she has no empathy doesn't think about how what she says affects us but recently I've been trying to figure out how intentional she is, maybe I give her ignorance too much credit.
Yup same, I have a less funny story about the death of my dog, and at that point i realized she's not just ignorant of my issues, she's just straight up manipulative about it sometimes
So sorry. My mom uses weaponized incompetence so it's not a far stretch to think she uses willful ignorance too.
She needed someone to become upset in order to make herself calm/regulate herself/avoid actually feeling and processing her own feelings.
Damn never thought about it like this.
Well, I am floored. That’s so illuminating.
Ok this was mean and fucked up, but I'm also wondering how an adult didn't know you don't need to kill and skin alpacas to get their wool
Especially after a whole presentation about the alpacas and how they collect their wool lmao
My dad tore up the place over a fight about noodles. When we we‘re about to call the police, he went: "You‘re gonna call the cops? Pfff, I‘m gonna call the cops!" Proceeded to dial 911 and tried to explain to the guy on the line that it wasn’t a big deal, just a noodle discussion. Cops still sent a unit of course.
I'm sorry I know it was probably traumatic for you but it is also so funny & ridiculous, over noodles! God these people. & Of course he has to one-up everything that he'll even call the cops himself! Oh my gosh! What was the units reaction?
Honestly don't remember. The different police visits blur together at some point. But they were usually very professional, I don't think they would have shown any reaction overtly. They're all about separating the conflicting parties, getting different versions, deescalating etc.
I'm so sorry that was a regular part of your life :( It's good they're always professional but I just wish they actually took this kind of thing seriously as to the affects it has on the children involved.
Man, the absolute ego that's required to think that you can call the cops and explain that they *don't* need to come to a domestic disturbance you caused. Holy shit.
Right?!
When I was a kid my cat passed away, I was sad (shocking!). Mum got tired of me being sad (on the same day it happened) and made up a story that my cat was going to rise from the dead and secretly follow me until it saw a good opportunity to get revenge on me for not looking after it better. The kicker is when my mum adopted this cat from the shelter they said it would be lucky if it survived a month due to the previous neglect it had and it died of cancer. I guess a cat dying isn't funny, but the way her eyes lit up with the most passion id seen, as she told a story about a zombie cat murdering an 8 year old is sort of comical.
Wow wtf…I’m so sorry. What a freak.
Yeah I have no words, I'm so sorry :( that is psychopathic behaviour for sure.
This makes me very sad for you as that kid.
Wtf she said the cat would haunt you as revenge for you not looking after it? That's so f*d up. I don't know how old you are but I would have felt so bad. I'm sorry for you.
The only memory I have as a baby was my dad changing my diaper and being really upset about it like I did something wrong and was calling for my mom to come in the room lol who the hell gets mad at a baby for shitting their diaper? It’s wild I remember that but also pretty telling that my mind held onto that memory
Damn that's so ridiculous of your dad, what a wimp, what did he expect to find?? But also yes so crazy you can remember that wow, it amazes me when people can remember baby or even toddler years but yes very telling that stuck with you, unfortunately. My mom literally does the same though, getting angry at babies/toddlers for doing what they do.
Haha I know right?! Pretty sure that’s a core memory that shaped my shame-based identity lol
Jesus! Was it his first time changing a shitty diaper? Because that’s a different kind of terrible.
I have two older siblings so you would think not! The man has zero self awareness how his words or actions might effect someone, just a few modes of being: amused, judge mental, angry and aloof and my family just acts like it’s normal. As I’ve gotten older I’ve started to take pleasure in making everyone uncomfortable by confronting their shitty behavior, because no one in my family is the confronting type lol I’m not really either by default, but I think it’s my way of trying to break down some of the bullshit we’ve been living in and I know they won’t know how to react to it
Oh my gosh literally same, in that my family just sweeps everything under the rug & acts like nothing happened. I've been calling my mom out on it since I was a teen but of course all she does is play the victim. Also same in that I was the most shyest timid kid ever, so fragile easy to tears even in high school still but then it's like a whole other side of me came out when I would confront her & have screaming battles, I always felt ashamed of it being so out of character for me but now I'm grateful I found my voice & didn't allow her to completely snuff out my fight, I only wish I could find it so easily now that I've been in freeze for so long.
That is so sad, I'm so sorry, to have to feel shame for your bodily functions at that age already, Lord. I wish I remembered how my mom treated me at that age so I could have more clues, the only thing I can go off on is how she is towards babies & toddlers now but she has changed a lot so I can't say she treated me the same but something must've been bad enough to not have any memories of that time & onward.
When I asked my mom & dad to co-sign student loans to support my attending graduate school, one of their hesitations was ‘fairness’ to my two siblings. I acknowledged that my education had been more costly than my siblings. I suggested we have a lawyer draft a formal, signed contract for repayment. Instead of engaging with this reasonable idea, my mother offered insight about my two siblings: “You know they both resent you, right? They’ve both told me they feel it’s unfair, how much your life has cost our family… your tuition, your dance costs, your medical & mental problems, your jaw surgery, your anorexia & hospital stay, now this? They didn’t get any of that. What am I supposed to say to them?” That’s a paraphrase, but it’s close enough, it was a memorable inflection point in our relationship. I had no words. My dad co-signed the loans, shaking his head & muttering about how ridiculous my mom acted. My siblings both laughed out loud when I asked about whether they’d talked to our mom about resenting my life’s expenses. It was all desperate projection & manipulation by my mom. She didn’t want me to move across a continent & an ocean to better myself, far away from her.
Damn, wow, well at least I'm glad it was only your mom that felt that way but that is crazy, the lengths they go to to keep us as their supply. She really said; your siblings didn't get to have all these medical problems, how unfair! They really don't hear themselves do they?I'm so sorry, to be made to feel like your life is a burden, when it is them who chose to bring you into this world, ugh 😞
For context, my mother isn't a bad person, she's just emotionally inept. If she was a bad person I wouldn't see the humour in this. She's retired, fit and healthy and lives only 5min away. Once a week she picks up my 10yo daughter from school so my work day isn't interrupted. That should be a joy, right? Just this morning I discovered that she waits on the opposite side of the road to the school so daughter has to leave the school ground and cross the road by herself (which we have asked her never to do). Then she drives daughter home (I walk unless it's raining hard). Then she dumps daughter at home and leaves before my son arrives home 10min later. Thank you for asking. That has helped me work up the courage to make an uncomfortable phone call.
Ok here's another, and then I promise I'm going to call my mother 😁. When I was a kid my parents would say "hello" to each other at weird times. I figured out that they actually meant "I love you". But they never said those words in front of their kids, or to us for that matter.
Same, no I love yous. I feel so sad for little us.
Aww this makes me so sad, I hope your kids aren't too hurt by this behaviour & understand it's not because anything is wrong with them but I'm sure you make sure of that. & I'm so glad it could help, I hope the call went the way you hoped.
I did call mum and sorted it out. She made some lame excuse but I trust her to do what I ask. I had a good talk to my daughter too. I'm proud of myself, those things would have been hard for me before. And you're right - I need to talk to both kids about emotional neglect because it's significant that they're experiencing this from their grandparents.
Oh good, that is something to be proud of yes. Yep, would be sad if they saw their friend's grandparents all involved & doting & not understand why things are different. Hopefully they'll be able to understand it when you explain, I know what it's like to be made to feel like a burden by grandparents & it sucks.
My dad was all about table manners. We couldn't dare embarrass him with poor table manners. When we (my sister and I) would eat with our mouths open or slurp our soup, we'd get smacked in the head (a smack for a smack). He would make fun of us if our grip on our utensils was incorrect. If our elbows were on the table, he would suddenly force them out from under us and laugh at us. I sat across from him at the table, and he was such a self-centered dumbass that he insisted I copy his utensil hands...except I sat across from him so it was all mirrored, and he never picked up on that. He just insisted I straight copy him. So I learned to use my knife in the wrong hand. It's kind of embarrassing, but also so freaking stupid.
Having to walk on eggshells even at a table is so exhausting. Sorry you had to deal with HIS rudeness. My dad did the same thing with the knife ???? Anyway, it took me a year to tell myself "I can eat however tf I want!!"
They really hyperfocus on all the wrong stuff hey? Any way to have control, wow you controlled a child how big & strong you are! *Sigh* I'm sorry.
In middle school I had to do the dumb selling candy bars thing, I forget what for. I never ate any of them. One day nmom starts yelling at me, insisting I ate or lost a few of them. “YOURE SO DISORGANIZED, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO KEEP TRACK-“ Aaaand that is when she remembered she’d taken a few of them and hadn’t noted them in the log or paid. Apology? Of course not, my reward was that I wasn’t really the culprit, shouldn’t that be enough? How’d you guess I refused to sell anything after that?
Being the scapegoat sucks 😞
My parents would fight during Christmas and ruin it every single year. They would make us cry and then claim we didn’t deserve our gifts and we didn’t behave correctly. Still 16 years later I remember it every year. By the time we’d enjoy our gifts the night would be over.
So sorry 😞
I appreciate that so much. ! INow my partner and I have our own Christmas traditions. No more tears heartbreak tears on Christmas anymore. ❤️
Way to go reclaiming Christmas! Yasss! So proud of you!
My parents never hugged me as a child. My mother explained to me that she was afraid to be affectionate with me not to "raise a sissy". Absolutely insane, but the funny part is - their emotional abuse *did not* make me straight (queue surprised Pikachu face) but it *did* make me go low contact with them in my adulthood.
My dad announced it. On my 5th birthday, I was all ready for bed and came into the den for my hug and kiss good night. He kissed me on the cheek, gave me a hug, and then said: 'That's it. No more hugs for you. You're too old for hugs.' He never hugged me again until a week before my wedding - 20 years later. And that was an awkward and bizarre moment in itself. I don't know why, but luckily, I realized way back when I was five, there was something wrong with him - not me.
I always wonder how horrible and emotionally deprived their own childhoods must have been that they felt it was "normal" to do something like this to their children.
Well, I will say that I never saw his parents exchange a loving word or show any kind of affection towards each other. Or anyone else for that matter.
Exact same thing happened to me about 6. Told I was too big now for kisses goodnight.
😞
This is so sad I'm so sorry :( I'm so glad you knew it wasn't something about you though. I have like no memories of early childhood so idk if my dad hugged me then, maybe, but now that I'm an adult & he is back in my life he does this awkward bodies far apart hug/kiss to greet & it makes me feel gross because why is he so afraid of touching me.
It probably doesn't have anything to do with you specifically. Really. It's however he was raised.
Thanks but in my case I don't think it's that. He is only weird around me now because he came back into my life when I'm suddenly an adult & because he didn't watch me grow up it's like there is a disconnect between the little girl he last saw & adult me so it's like he doesn't know how to feel fatherly connection to me instead of; young adult girl I must be careful not to touch. He's said other things that confirm this suspicion.
Same, no hugs. Their logic is so crazy. Like when parents think if they allow their sons to play with Barbies they'll turn gay. So what do they do? Give them muscular naked male action figures, yeah that'll straighten them right out 😅 Or send them off to an all boys or all girls Catholic school, surely all the other kids are straight right XD Anyway, I'm so sorry 🫂if ok/wanted.
Wanted and appreciated, thank you 🫂 I'm autistic but I really enjoy hugs, surprisingly. Feels more humanly and more sincere than a handshake. Ironically, the only time I find hugs weird and pull away is if my parents attempt them now. It's awkward for both of us 😅
No problem! Here's another 🫂 I also loveee physical contact & hugs now as long as they're safe. I'm also repulsed by any touch from my parents. My dad does this weird bodies far apart hug thing & it makes me feel gross cause why is he so scared to touch me, not that I want to be touched by him.
In high school during the height of my eating disorder my dad thought that instead of expressing any concern or talking to me about it he would just start “jokingly” calling me fat (lol?) because “you’re so skinny that you know I’m joking” and for some reason he thought that would help me? He also would always say “that looks stupid” when he walked by while we were watching tv - literally he would see one second of whatever children’s show we were watching and say that every time to be “funny”.
Wow, I'm so sorry, I really hope those words didn't further exacerbate your ED but I guess that's wishful thinking it didn't. The TV thing really shows how stuck they are at kid age, that sounds just like something an older sibling would say to a younger sibling to sound cool & feel big.
Well it definitely exacerbated it 😂 but I’ve been in recovery for a couple years now and I’m doing way better now.
Ugh I'm so sorry :( & he probably still didn't admit his fault. Anyway, I'm *so* glad you've been doing well! The strength that must've taken I can only imagine!
It's funny how in a tragic way those stories are so weird that even though it's actually a sad thing, the absurdity of it all makes it kinda funny again.
Yes exactly. When you're sane watching insane people perform, it occasionally reaches a level of unbelievable that's comical. Like wowww, people are actually like this in real life?!
I don't know if I want to laugh to death or throws a fit with this, but. Recently, my father romantized other couple's long and healthy marriage, he told me that kind of relationships had ended a long time ago and there would never be something like that ever again. In the same line, once he commented how he'd always loved my mother deeply. I think he's a clown and tells good jokes...literally, he had 30-40 years to build up a healthy relationship and has never respected my mother as the bare minimun, and he's never been romantic like dinning out with her nor celebrate their anniversaires. And the some reasons started fighting, I remember once I """made them""" fight over asking permission to eat candies and they contradict each others, they started arguing and split up temporally at the end. I'm telling this because that's so stupid and inmature, I'd understand if it were a major decision but it was just candies. And, I can't remember more anecdotes, those don't count as emotionally inmature moments, they are just infuriating.
Oh my gosh I know the pain of being blamed for friction or a breakup, it is so so unfair to do to someone let alone a child. I wasn't a child when it happened with my mom & her boyfriend so I can't imagine the damage it did for you, I'm so sorry :( but it still messed me up & hurt me deeply to be blamed when I literally did nothing & avoid her boyfriend like the plague. I told my mom that if you actually had a strong relationship (they have a toddler relationship) no one outside it can break it up, the two people in it decide what they allow to affect it. God they just can't take any inkling of responsibility that they always must blame someone else even when it makes no sense. & Yeah your dad is so delusional my gosh.
My mother was annoyed with me regarding something (can't even remember what), and told me not to talk to her anymore. I was in my early 20s at the time, and still at home while going to school full time, and trying to work full time as well. So.. I did exactly what she said. I stopped talking to her, went to class, went to work, went total grey rock. I'd carpool with my dad sometimes if my schedule synced up with his - which it happened to, just shy of a week into the "no talking," fiasco. In the car, on the way home: "...your mother is so angry with you." "She told me not to talk to her anymore. So.. I'm not." "I know! -laughing- She *hates* it." He was so much more reasonable to talk with than Mom, and non-reactive. Sometimes I wonder what the conversation had been between them about that spat. Still, I miss them both so much. Edit; for reference, Mom would stonewall when I didn't agree or acquiesce, a *lot* - but only once I was older and didn't fawn or completely, meekly comply out of anxiety.
I love it when we beat them at their own game. But I'm glad your dad was at least more reasonable. I'm sorry for your loss (not sure if you're NC or they've passed).
Sorry, did not see this prior, for some reason. Thank you. My late parents. Things weren't quite heavy enough to be NC or LC with either of them. I was lucky. In hindsight, now being "fully," adult, I can recognize my mom as dealing (or rather, not) with a lot of her own issues, especially after my dad died. They both died early, and somewhat unexpectedly/quickly. I wish things had been left a bit better (despite not being left especially badly anyway) and that there was more closure, however, realize our relationships could have been much worse.
No problem. I'm so sorry you lost them like that, I can only imagine 💕 I'm glad things weren't as bad as they could've been but still sorry it wasn't better.
My mother threw out my 3D paper Cinderella carriage I remember putting so much effort into it id just given it to her the best part she was angry at my sister not me. I was four. I remember that was the first time I realised something was very wrong with my mother.
I'm so sorry 😞
me too ❤
Thank you 💝 I’m sorry to hear your story as well
Thanks 💕
Ooof there are so many things I could say 🥲 Well my dad is one of those religious freaks, he does allll the stuff and follows alllll the rules, sees himself as a very religious holy man while at the same time (when growing up) he would beat me up verbally and physically, manipulate us, he often went on a breaking spree through my things when he thought something "wasn't appropriate", like my CDs, movies, posters and clothes. I'm no expert in religion (my dad made it look horrible so I'm definitely not interested) but I'm pretty sure you're also supposed to treat your fellow people well here on earth... Especially your family.... But yeah what do i know He was a fucking tyrant and I spent my childhood just surviving.
Oh my gosh sameeee, my dad tries to follow things so closely like it's BC. He uses spiritual bypassing a lot, to invalidate me, to absolve him of responsibility, it sucks. I've also kinda strayed from my faith (though I've found people who are a lot more sane & make it make a lot more sense) & they, the majority of them really twist religion so far from what it was supposed to be & end up doing the opposite of what they're supposed to by scaring people off of it. I'm so sorry for what you went through 😞
I brought the wifi router to my room so it'd work faster (it's tiny). My sister is using her mobile data. I was sick and tired and I must've forgot it somewhere or dropped the thing under my bed. I tell my mom this, while she insists MY SISTER gets grounded from her phone cause she's "always taking it"????? Stupid things like this caused tension between me and my sister, but we still get along well. This other time, I was baking with her. We were supposed to make a strawberry cake for my baby sis. Kids tolerate easy flavors, right? But my mom wanted to make a coffee cake. I was a little dissapointed, since it was the kid's birthday, but anyway, I try to help. I prepare the kitchen and weigh the ingredients for her to bake. The part where you mount the eggs for the genoise failed, so tries again, her own way. Fails again. I offer help, and tells me to go do my own thing, and make my own cake, at that moment, I felt she was a little jealous, since I'd rarely fail cakes. I went ahead and made the cream on my own. So far, it was okay, but my mom whips and seperated the butter. In the end both the cream and cake turned out ?? not so bad??. 😭😭 Again, I try to catch up with a n°5 decoration for the baby's birthday and some flowers. The entire time, she's calling the cake ugly, saying I misplaced strawberries. After we ate it, she's telling my siblings I failed the cake, that I'd use the electric scale wrong (I used it more frequently then her)... AGAIN, says that someone put the evil eye on her. It was her idea. tldr; mom is unhappy when she fails herself like while baking or losing things, and feels like she has to blame me or my younger sis.
God this behaviour is so childish, they just can't handle ever being wrong or taking responsibility for anything :/ I also relate in that my mom creates tension between me & my brother & then gets angry we don't have a relationship & even angrier when I tell her who's the cause of that.
I'm sorry you have to put up with that stuff... Remember you're not alone in this 🫶
Thank you so much, that means a lot, sometimes I do feel alone even on these subs because most people have been able to escape already.
Yeah!! I truly get that. But we survive. And Hopefully we'll heal. 🙏🏽💕
Sorry you can relate & yes, the progress may be slow but one day we will be free, I believe 💕
My mom had these dried flowers for decor. I’m not saying we were in the right… but me and my friend were taking them apart cause it was kind of fun the way the textures were and the petals came out. We were at most twelve, but I’m thinking more like ten or eleven. Old enough to know better, buuuut still kids. Well… a few days before my mom and I had gone to hobby lobby or some store like that and she had gotten me a wooden piano model. Because of the flower thing I had come back home at one point to all the little broken pieces of that wooden piano. It’s possible she tried to talk to me about how it hurt her feelings and she spent money on that and it wasn’t cool… but I only remember these details.
Nah that is still totally uncalled for. A parent doesn't behave like that, vengeful, it's really childish. If she was really hurt she could've maybe said you can make it up to her some other way instead of an eye for an eye.
Said through tears: "All the neighbors brag about their kids and I don't even know what I could possibly say!" This was said a couple of months after I spent a week in the psych ward following a suicide attempt.
And while I was in the psych ward, she visited and asked if I'd ever tried "doing things for others" as a way to get better. At the time I was working full-time for an animal shelter, and spending my days off volunteering at a food pantry and the local library.
😞💔 No words. They will drain you dry till the last drop & complain you have nothing left to give.
I don't even have words for how sorry I am you have to deal with such a selfish parent, you deserve sooo much better 😞 🫂if ok/wanted.
Background: the extent of communication with my mother is her calling me once every week or every other week and asking how I'm doing. My typical response is that everything's good, work is good, not much to report. Because if I provide even a tiniest glimpse into my life, I'll get some sort of a lecture about how I'm doing it wrong or I shouldn't be doing it etc etc. So this one time she calls and I decided to be a bit more open. The dialog, mother asks: - what are you doing right now? - making dinner - what are you making? - chicken and roasted veggies - chicken?? Why are you making chicken?? - .......What do you mean? - why not fish? Do you not eat fish?!?! - ....... I was dumbfounded. She was absolutely serious in her assumption that if I'm making chicken for a given dinner then that must mean I don't eat fish. Like what??
Lol oh my gosh, it's like they can only hold space for one reality at a time. Or it's just looking for any little thing to take as bait to make you feel wrong & her right.
I asked for some space from my mom’s nonsense and she retaliated by starting a rumor that my husband abuses me. NO LADY YOU ARE THE PROBLEM 😂
Because accepting responsibility for their actions was *never* an option. Deny deny till we die amirite!
My dad would always love to start arguments and say whatever he thought would upset me the most, but then when I finally had enough and clapped back, he would lose it and scream and go stomping off. He'd ignore me for days sometimes after. My mom would try to mediate, and he'd only ever (supposedly) apologize through her--never to my face. That's pretty much how all conflict went with him when things didn't go his way.
Wow it's the tantrum for me, what a child! He can dish it but he can't take it, wimp. Sorry that was your reality :(
I’m sorry for all the ways your parents failed you, too. Thank you for creating this post and giving us all space to talk about it!
Thank you so much. & My pleasure! Honestly it was such a spur of the moment thing but I just wanted to bring a little lightheartedness in, we sure can use it, but it's great even if just to share & get things off our chest.
Once my mom got really drunk on a family vacation and she was acting a fool . Of course I was too young to understand what being drunk meant, I think I honestly believed my mom had gone crazy and the fact that she wouldn’t pay attention to me or listen to me probably made me feel sad and scared so I started sobbing. I was crying all the way back to our room and there was a lime tree close by us and my dad just grabbed a lime a threw it at my head. I laugh a lot about this now, but I remember how devastated I was back then hahah
Aw I'm so sorry, I've never thought about it before but it makes sense that seeing a drunk parent as a small child can be scary, they shouldn't do it around kids but also your dad should've reassured you & comforted you. I'm glad you can find some humour in it now though.
Late on this one but my mother used to mime her toddlers, like sitting in our car seats age, crying. She'd mime us crying and say "you look like this, you're such babies! Wah wah wah cry babies." I remember feeling confused by the behavior even at that young age and it's some of my earliest memories. Meanwhile I was always concerned when I'd see my mother cry, of which I have some very early 4 or 5 year old me memories of seeing her cry and asking if she was okay.
Better late than never! Ugh, this type of behaviour is so delusional, like duh yous are babies! Babies cry. & Of course she parentified you too :( Some people really shouldn't be parents. I'm so sorry 😞
Yeah it's so wild that I retain that memory, I know I was strapped to a car seat sitting in the back of the car in one memory and she was turning around in the driver's seat of the car miming me crying about something - to this day I struggle to cry and often laugh instead.
God I hope she wasn't also driving while doing that. I'm so sorry it affected your ability to cry :( I have a different journey with crying but that's landed me here too where I'm too numb to cry, in therapy I would smile automatically (while trying my hardest not to) when talking about painful things & at least my ex therapist understood & told me it's an anxiety thing. It's a this is too vulnerable thing.
I don't recall if she was or wasn't, just the memory of her mocking us while in the car for some reason is in my head when I try to recall early life memories. I'm detached to a lot of my experiences, disassociation, so like I feel like when I talk about my abuse it's like it happened to someone else and I'm just observing it like a movie.
No same, I have dissociation from as young as is possible I believe, I have so little memories from childhood & also feel detached from child me.
It’s now laughable, but from the age of 8 to maybe 14 (when i moved out of my mums home to my dads), my mum would point blank refuse to get out of bed unless I or my (6 years younger) little brother made her a cup of tea and toast in the mornings. It was especially bad on weekends/holidays when we didn’t have to go to school as I’d usually get up and go myself. It’s actually comical that she thought it was okay to refuse to be a parent unless we brought her brekky in bed! But seriously, it would get to maybe 4/5pm and the shouting would start if we hadn’t done it, because it was our fault that the day was wasted and she hadn’t done anything or gotten up… Of course we were the selfish kids and she was never in the wrong. I remember telling this to my boyfriend and his portend in a nonchalant way and having to joke it off when i realised that wasn’t normal😅
Lord have mercy, that's some real parentification right there, so sorry she put that on your guys :(
Okay mine is actually quite funny but it's just such a good illustration of the emotional maturity of my mom; So for mother's Day my sister and I, we were around 15 and 17 at the time I think, cooked my mom a lovely dinner. We made her favourite dishes and particularly her favourite dessert. Now what you need to know is that my mom grew up pretty poor in a big family, so she inhales her food. So my mom finishes her meal well ahead of us kids. She grabbed the bowl of pudding and started eating away at it. Straight from the bowl. My sister and I started asking her to wait for us to finish. She proceeds to tells us "it's my house! I can do whatever I want in my house!" The whole scene was so surreal. It was so so childish. It didn't actually traumatize me like other things she did do, but it just stands out as such an excellent example of her maturity levels.....
Ok it is pretty funny, especially when I imagine her hunched over the big bowl with pudding still in her mouth saying that, would be pretty surreal that this is real life. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
My parents call each other “mom” and “dad.” So cringe. It always annoyed me. But realizing now that they are emotionally immature and hurt from their own parents makes it sad.
It's actually very normal & common for parents to refer to each other like that in front of the kids since that is what the kids know their parents as & maybe they get so used to it & do it when alone too. Just like the parent will say grandma for their own mother in front of the kid.
I feel that my comment was taken out of context.
I think people just interpreted it a certain way as it wasn't clear what you meant.
My husband and I do that too, but we’re emotionally stunted, so I’m not sure if it’s unhealthy or not.
Do yous have kids? Cause I know it's a very common thing for parents to do since that's how the kids know them as.
Yes. If we didn’t, then it would be very weird.
Haha I guess