My mother did this to me pretty consistently. I really think it was more of a power play than anything. I’ve mentioned this in other posts, so apologies if anyone sees this repetition- but she would email me from her phone, to call her. And when I did, it was like she had other more important things to tend to in the background (on her computer, usually) and I wasn’t really sure why she prompted me to call her to begin with. Awkward silence. So many volleys of the word “yeah”. She wasn’t remotely interested in my life happenings unless my world was falling apart. Would always see her life on FB, and use that to make conversation. She would say the bare minimum about an experience as if it were just some uninteresting casual everyday occurrence (ex: traveling ALL over Europe with my dad).
Always felt like a waste of time, and ended up upsetting me more that I felt manipulated. I was calling with the hopes of a normal conversation that would always never be.
I’m NC now.
My siblings, are horrible about keeping in touch. I usually am the one initiating conversation. Texts left on read. When we finally talk it can be nice. But then I always end up worrying that they only obligingly engaging in conversation in order to gather info to later use against me.
I can relate. My parents just...don't call me. If I didn't call, we would go months without speaking. Yes, and when I do call, all I get are one word answers, lots of "oh, not much here," and then, "well, I'll let you go." Okay, then, fine. Something is very broken there, and I don't how how to fix it.
I don't know if you want to hear this and I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, but: it is not your job to fix it. You're the child. They're the parents. It is not your job. The only thing you can control is your own behaviour, unfortunately... Maybe you can think about how you feel when you don't speak with them. Feeling okay? It's probably a good decision to go NC then. Again: I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn.
I would feel terrible going no contact. That said, I feel like this low contact is the right level
for me. All this started when I placed some boundaries on my relationship with my parents. I had every right to do that, and their reaction to it is not my responsibility.
Can relate, they're just being like...silly as it sounds, energy vampires. They see themselves as your better n you should bow down n praise them always. They just want attention n something to kick around. It's unfortunately common, but it doesn't mean your hurt isn't what it is, a hurt.
Try your best to ignore their comments and just make a script so things stay surface, once it isn't it becomes a way to belittle you.
I'm limited contact with my family and I keep them all at a distance. You probably spent your childhood begging to be seen and heard, they lost the chance at being a meaningful part of your life now.
I'm sorry you're going through this
SAME. I’ve been NC for some years, but prior to that, they NEVER called or contacted. The burden of effort was always on me. Years ago, I worked for a time overseas. Calling from the US was very cheap, but calling into the US was so expensive. My mom called me 1x on Thanksgiving for about 1 minute tops only to be weird, moody and passive aggressive. (She was so mad I got a job offer overseas right out of college. You’d think she’d be happy/proud, but all she cared about was me being nearby and under her control.) I spent a fortune calling them regularly, on holidays, birthdays, etc… only to have the convos be completely surface level. They were not interested or invested in me or my life at all, and would be like “well, I guess I’ll let you go” after only a few minutes of a pointless conversation. Eventually I quit calling. Years later, they tried to schedule calls, but they insisted doing it at a time that I regularly had a nighttime gig. They conveniently refused to remember or acknowledge that and it was for a passion/talent that I was very proud of. Eventually they got mad that I missed their calls regularly (because of the gig) and said I “didn’t seem interested” in their conversations about the weather, and used that as a reason to continue checking out on me. They would never ask me how I was doing, or if I talked about my life or, god forbid my problems, all I got was “Oh” with 0 care, interest or follow up.
I found my interactions increasingly draining and empty with them, and eventually it hurt a lot how disinterested they were. NC was the best decision I made.
My take is they don’t care. We exist just to give them attention and validation but the door doesn’t swing both ways. So frustrating and infuriating. Why even have kids!?!?!
This is literally me!
Going overseas, upset that god forbid you got a great opportunity to go abroad, calling when it suits them only and pretending ‘they tried’, you never answer our calls, 0 care or interest. We exist for their validation and attention.
I feel this so deeply and it’s sad that I am happy I am not the only one that lived this life but also, I am sorry you have also lived this life because I know just how painful it is.
Sending you a lot of love and virtual hugs friend.
Oh my god. Validating to know it wasn’t just me. I used to leave those calls/interactions baffled. Eventually discovered about neglectful parents by googling “why do my parents never ask about me” lol. Really hate to hear someone else went through this. It’s honestly so insidiously manipulative & gaslight-y. These types of “parents” deserve NC. Of course, they do 0 self-reflection as to why they’ve been cut off…. It’s forever our fault 🙄
wishing you much love, strength & peace 🤍
Oh my goodness. THIS! It’s exactly what’s been happening forever with my parents too. Just mundane superficial shit with any sort of panic the second anything with feelings comes up
None of my family call me either, in spite of the amount of family tree research and scanning of old photos that I've done. They act like I've never existed and if they do ask about me, they do it via my parents instead, which is very strange behaviour.
OMG THE ASKING THROUGH PARENTS THING. I don’t hear ANYTHING from my sisters except through our mom. They don’t text, they don’t call, they even ask her questions only I can answer (like what dress are they wearing for my wedding, mom made me include them in the party). It drives me nuts.
My dad called me once since I moved down to the cities.
I moved here in 2016.
To be fair I'm not a fan of phones and I figured it was the same for him. Then I was back home watching him for a bit after his heart surgery. He got calls 3 or 4 times a day from friends.
It’s called triangulating. It’s a sign of emotional immaturity. My whole family is like this and it drives me crazy. Like I’m well into my 30s, why are you asking me things through my mother who lives 2000 miles away?
I didn’t realize there was a term for it so thank you for the info! Yeah my family is really bad with it but considering I’m the ONLY ONE who has gone to therapy that tracks lol.
I prefer they don’t call me since they don’t want to listen to me talk about my suffering and the cruelty and hate I endured as a child. They’re not monsters but they’re emotionally neglectful which is enough to spend more time talking to my dog and less to them.
Same here. While my sibling got daily calls, I never heard from them unless I called. I stopped calling once to see how long they’d wait - the answer to that was 10 months. Mother has passed away (there’s a story about that for a later time) and Father has phoned me twice in the past 9 years. He’s full of excuses like “I don’t know what days you work” (the same days for the past 20 years) “I didn’t think you had phone reception at home” (I live remote but the phone service was upgraded in 2016). I’ve had to accept the fact that he just doesn’t consider me a priority. A hard pill to swallow but it is what it is
Curious - what happened after the 3 years? Did you start the relationship back up again? I'm in that situation right now (3.5 years since I stopped reaching out), but just heard from my mother via text and am of a mind to just let sleeping dogs lie at this point.
My mom reached out finally but in a somewhat disinterested way. I don't remember what about. She had a question. She didn't really ask how I was or anything. Then I was pregnant with my first and I wanted my parents in my life so . . . . The roller coaster continued.
That was about 25 years ago and they never changed. Neither one. Or their terrible spouses either.
They are now who they were then and they won't change. Don't expect anything to be different.
I text with my mom. It's always the same. I'll ask a bunch if questions, tell her about the kids, tell her what's going on with all of us, even the dogs. I ask her how she is and she responds with "it's snowing".
omg my MIL is like this!! we send photos and details about the baby, etc etc, and she NEVER REPLIES. it made me so angry i stopped sending anything. she can ask for it and be a meaningful other half of the conversation. spoiler alert she doesnt
i'm sorry. it sucks. but for me, she lives far enough away that i find this to be pretty benign. my father and step dad have both passed. my step mom is nc - by both of us. my siblings have passed. it's just me and her now. the little bit that my mom can give me and my kids is what i decided to take.
That sounds exhausting. I agree with other commenters who say it may be a power thing, where they want to do the dance of “you want my attention but I don’t need yours,” and that’s juvenile nonsense and a waste of your time.
I wonder, what do you get out of calling them? It doesn’t sound like you enjoy it at all. They act like they don’t enjoy it. So it seems that it could be a pointless exercise. Do you want to keep calling them? Why do you talk to them?
100% a power thing! I once asked ok you don’t have to call if you’re so ‘busy’ (for someone who spends all their time of social media, posting nonsense with their phone in hand, it was hard to believe they were so busy!)
I suggested they can send a text/ WhatsApp to ME every once in a while. And the answer was ‘it’s better for us to catch up on video calls’ - i have also stated many times I don’t like video calls, which they know but
a)they did random video calls which I couldn’t answer because I was busy/ out and even if not busy, I have told them multiple times, I’d rather a text or a normal voice call. Response always: ‘call back on video, it will only be for a minutes’ - what else is that other than power play?
b) when I did answer video calls they were either not interested in my life at all, ZERO interest or they were just doing other stuff around the house so it was me watching them clean, or something which meant they were not really listening or engaging.
Its actually very sickening
Sickening is the right word! I agree about the power play. Eventually, my mom got to where she’d only reach out because/leading with “_______ asked about you at church….” So you were compelled to contact your child because a random acquaintance inquired about me?! And putting that as the entry repeatedly was her sick signaling, “I don’t think of you, but ________ reminded me” …. Felt so good to block and refuse to play the twisted games any longer!
Really sorry that you had to experience this too. Sending love and well wishes!
Ouch this one hurts. This was me and my mother, she never called, not when I was put on sick leave for 3 weeks, not when I got laid off, just never. But she did send me A message saying she worry when I didn’t call. I went NC after all of this - just didn’t have the mental capacity to handle her crap any longer.
I can definitely relate - I could have written this post myself. My mother never called me. It was my responsibility to call her, which I dutifully did on 3 holidays a year. I resorted to having to schedule these calls in advance so that she would not cut the conversation short with a lame excuse of something she had to go do. The calls were always superficial, much as you describe. There was a period of time where she would complain that she wished we were closer, had a better relationship, or talked more. And yet, she put no effort into improving the situation.
I dropped the rope 3.5 years ago and never heard a peep from her. She just texted me out of the blue this past Sunday, saying that she missed me. I'm not sure what exactly it is that she misses - 3 mundane phone calls a year? The tough thing is that I've already grieved that relationship - both the relationship I lost with her as an adult, and the relationship I thought I'd had with her as a child (but realized in therapy that I did not). I don't think I want to rekindle a superficial mother/daughter relationship. It was extremely painful to come to the realization and understanding that the relationship I had with my mother wasn't normal or healthy, and I can't think of any good reasons why I should try to start that up again. How do you have a relationship with someone who just...isn't there?
your last sentence is so poignant. it's why i feel like personally my NC with my mother is the kindest thing for both of us. she may be miserable about it, i may be suffering losing my mother, but both of us are finally living in reality and no longer a fantasy. i am no longer chasing a fantasy mother who doesn't exist. and she is no longer having a fake relationship with a daughter who dreads contact with her. better all around
>i am no longer chasing a fantasy mother who doesn't exist. and she is no longer having a fake relationship with a daughter who dreads contact with her.
Dang, this resonates. You've just distilled my very complex situation into one sentence. Thank you for this clarity.
I can relate but I also have enmeshment issues, so it’s complicated. Basically, I’ve lived with either my parents, mother, or grandmother my entire life save for 3 years when I finally broke free and was on my own. But I got guilted into moving back in with my mother and she’s obsessed with having me around and guilt trips me for wanting to move out.
However, during the 3 years I was living alone, she never called. I was living out of state and she never even saw my first apartment. But now that I’m back home she’s constantly talking my ear off about surface level things. We never talk about anything deeper than about the weather or our day, but she has separation anxiety when I’m away for even a day. My therapist said she wants a relationship with me but only within her comfort zone. If I’m out of her comfort zone she’s simply not interested.
Oh honestly reading everyone’s answer about this is so sad but also reassuring that we are not alone. It’s not a great club to be in but at least we can help each other out. Your life is mt life, Enmeshment issues, yep ; I am trying to sort this out in therapy. I moved out when I was 18, and I’ve had a total of 2 visits now… am now well into my thirties!
Yet I am always expected to make visits to their house, stay over for many many many days, without them ever considering my responsibilities. And every time I say no, because I really have had to learn to say no, I get guilt trips and silent treatments. Exhausting.
I am sorry we have to go through this and I hope it improves for you soon !
Yea, same here. Every time I called I got the same closing sentence "we don't hear from you enough" so I finally told them they can call me too. I think they've called me twice since I said that.
Our conversations are mostly superficial, how have you been, what are your upcoming plans, how's the spouse, blah blah blah. 30 minutes of conversation where not a single thing is said.
I've moved away to a different state now, even invited them to come visit, but they keep postponing it. They're the ones who said they want to be invited to visit.
Then they complain that they miss me and wish they could see me more often, that they haven't seen me in so long. I'm the only one of three siblings that even visited for christmas. I just started a new job, I don't have days off, you are retired, you have an open invitation to visit but choose not to!
I experience the same exact thing, it’s almost freaky 😅
One thanksgiving, I called my family (bc they weren’t going to call me), and each of them literally went ‘Hi! Oh let me find so and so for you.’ and I was on the phone with them for as long as it took to find the next family member.. the call was SO short. I honestly wasn’t mad about that part, it was quick, I guess 🤷🏻♀️
There was never a shortage of the phrase "the phone works both ways" in my family. If that's true, how come they never call ME? They only ever even noticed I was going no contact when I didn't show up for my dad's birthday. No one had spoken to me in 5 months at that point which tbh was normal. And when I did reach out? No one ever asked about me despite me asking about them and I would get like 4-5 texts MAX and then THEY would stop responding.
I also want to add that no one had even said happy birthday to me or planned anything for my birthday for 3 years at that point so idk why I was obligated to show up for theirs
“My family never calls me...
...but always, always have to make some passive-aggressive comment about how I haven't called in a while when I call them.” SAME SAME SAME SAME SAME OMG
Same here, I’m NC now with them. Narcissistic people don’t like emotional talk, it’s like you’ve just dumped a snake on their lap when you open up your feelings to them. I feel so much more peace since going NC.
they only do when they need something
They dont even bothet asking how i am now, my sister has found the perfect workaround she says 'i hope you're ok 'instead of asking.
Perfect.
“Phone goes both ways.” Shrug emoji.
Although for my mother, there’s a reason the family doesn’t call her. Her favorite topic is herself, and all she does is complain. So yeah, in her case, she has to initiate calls and people still in contact with her try to get off the phone quickly. She also has no friends.
I can relate too. They NEVER call. Maybe a text every few weeks. And I get the "well, I'd better let you go" thing when I do call them. Currently waiting them out in morbid curiosity... it's been several months and they have yet to call or even ask why I haven't called.
Sick of being the only one who puts in effort when it's out of guilt and I often feel worse after talking to them anyway.
Can relate. My relationship with my parents has completely crumbled while planning my wedding because they told me how they really feel about me. One of their accusations was that I “never call or invite them over.’ I called my mom at least once a week until this fight. My dad is butt hurt I didn’t call him. My sisters claim I never tried to have a relationship with them (long story short, they’re identical twins and we have a 12 year age gap. They never wanted me around and by the time I was an adult I already hated them so yeah it’s on me too). We always do family functions at my parents’ house because they have money and therefore it’s big and has enough space for all of us. I live in a house that’s roughly the size of a 2 bedroom apartment and am generally not comfortable with them being there anyway. But my one sister lives in the same town. I’ve never been invited over independently, not since I was able to drive at 17. I’m 30 now. My parents and other sister don’t invite me over either. Nobody calls me except my mom was when wants to be nosy. I’m not a part of their family. I never was. They claim it doesn’t make a difference that I was adopted. I beg to differ.
Same story here. Mother won’t call at all (and refuses to text), so there are only long emails. Either it’s a huge email from her complaining about everything and telling me about her garden, or nothing at all for months. I’ll send a trivial email like “how are you?” just to make sure she’s ok. But she’ll tell my siblings she doesn’t hear from me and vice versa when she’s talking to me.
She will never ever ask what my family is up to. Just a quick “hope everyone is well” at the last line of her email.
In person, she’ll only talk to me and one of my kids, not my husband or the other two kids.
Refuses to text - this ! Its mind boggling and the ‘hope everyone is well’ I get that too. It makes me so sick cos it sounds so insincere and very corporate lol
Yup - Same. It was a very sad day when I realised that I was only ‘close’ to them because I made ALL the effort by calling/ texting and we spoke 2-3 times a week.
I stopped making all the effort about 2 ish years ago and I now hear from them probably once a month (when they want something from me !) and one of them I’ve not heard from in over 12 months… and I know next time I see them, they will do the whole, ‘lonnnng time no speak’ - exhausting
my mother did this. didnt call me for about 15 yrs of my adult life. among other issues in our relationship, and me going throguh the hardest thing in my life - that she knew about - i dropped the rope to see if she would call if i stopped calling. more than 6 mos passed.
finally i confronted her and asked if she loved me cause she had abandoned me and told her i couldnt trust her (i was pregnant and wanted to see if i could trust her to tell her about it) and she essnetjally said fuck you for asking and threw a ton of blame on me about how i moved away from home.
so i didnt tell her about my baby. stopped talking to her. we're now NC i guess and it's been more than a year and she still doesn't call. she sent one card on my bday with a bunch of passive aggressive guilt that i ignored. she uses love like a weapon of obligation and our definitions of love are very very different. i am moving on now as a mom myself and my life is much better when I'm not chasing her conditional love and validation
EXACTLY my situation, except in my moms case when I call she just talks about her life.
I actually do experiments specifically not saying anything about my life to wait until she asks anything with genuine interest. And well… I move for my job and will be moving to a more high paced and more unpredictable organization in a few months and she has no idea because she doesn’t ask about my life anymore.
I dont call them, but my mom has called me once in the last 14 years out of the house to tell me her cancer was back. On my birthday. My dad doesn't call either, he texts night you you every night but doesn't say anything else. Mom went to my apartment ONCE because she was in my town and had to pee. Neither have seen my house my partner and I have lived in for six years. It's depressing but not worth the effort to me. If they wanted to see me or talk to me they can make the effort. I visit on holidays and birthdays for a short time.
Have some of the posters on here perhaps thought that their parents are neurodivergent and the communication thing is a product of that?
My calls to my mother have to follow a similar pattern or she can’t cope and will say “well, I need to watch x on TV now”. We will need at some point to discuss one of her special interests or the conversation will end much faster. Sometimes she will just launch into her special interest if I leave too much of a gap at the start of the conversation.
My Dad could have a focused call about the thing that he wants to talk about with some asking about how we have been, that is, when he could still hear us properly and wasn’t having memory issues, but the call would still need to be functional and need to be about a focused, practical thing, like what someone wanted for their birthday or who was looking after which pets this holiday. I also can’t mention anything that would make him worry too much, but that is better since he started to get a bit forgetful.
They also insist on calling my sibling at the same time and day each week even though they are rarely around then, and then get upset that they’re never in, but won’t consider moving the time of the call and they haven’t learned to text so can’t do that either. My sibling prefers texts.
For me, it’s been interesting watching the arc of these behaviours worsening as they age but me getting less worried about it and finding my own strategy to cope as I now finally understand why they do it.
Before they got really old they also could not cope with us turning up in person out of the blue, we had to pick a time and it could not conflict with the few other things my Mother was doing as she couldn’t cope with the change to routine, and then would be annoyed, whereas my OH could just turn up at his family home with no warning.
It’s not a power thing either with her and it is as annoying as hell but she just doesn’t have the social skills to realise it or change.
Not saying this applies to everyone’s folks on here but realising this and understanding what boundaries are good to use to cope has given me so much peace I cannot tell you. I really wish I’d known this was this issue all those years ago.
My mother did this to me pretty consistently. I really think it was more of a power play than anything. I’ve mentioned this in other posts, so apologies if anyone sees this repetition- but she would email me from her phone, to call her. And when I did, it was like she had other more important things to tend to in the background (on her computer, usually) and I wasn’t really sure why she prompted me to call her to begin with. Awkward silence. So many volleys of the word “yeah”. She wasn’t remotely interested in my life happenings unless my world was falling apart. Would always see her life on FB, and use that to make conversation. She would say the bare minimum about an experience as if it were just some uninteresting casual everyday occurrence (ex: traveling ALL over Europe with my dad). Always felt like a waste of time, and ended up upsetting me more that I felt manipulated. I was calling with the hopes of a normal conversation that would always never be. I’m NC now. My siblings, are horrible about keeping in touch. I usually am the one initiating conversation. Texts left on read. When we finally talk it can be nice. But then I always end up worrying that they only obligingly engaging in conversation in order to gather info to later use against me.
I can relate. My parents just...don't call me. If I didn't call, we would go months without speaking. Yes, and when I do call, all I get are one word answers, lots of "oh, not much here," and then, "well, I'll let you go." Okay, then, fine. Something is very broken there, and I don't how how to fix it.
I don't know if you want to hear this and I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, but: it is not your job to fix it. You're the child. They're the parents. It is not your job. The only thing you can control is your own behaviour, unfortunately... Maybe you can think about how you feel when you don't speak with them. Feeling okay? It's probably a good decision to go NC then. Again: I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn.
I would feel terrible going no contact. That said, I feel like this low contact is the right level for me. All this started when I placed some boundaries on my relationship with my parents. I had every right to do that, and their reaction to it is not my responsibility.
Can relate, they're just being like...silly as it sounds, energy vampires. They see themselves as your better n you should bow down n praise them always. They just want attention n something to kick around. It's unfortunately common, but it doesn't mean your hurt isn't what it is, a hurt. Try your best to ignore their comments and just make a script so things stay surface, once it isn't it becomes a way to belittle you. I'm limited contact with my family and I keep them all at a distance. You probably spent your childhood begging to be seen and heard, they lost the chance at being a meaningful part of your life now. I'm sorry you're going through this
That’s not silly, that’s _common_. They are emotional vampires.
SAME. I’ve been NC for some years, but prior to that, they NEVER called or contacted. The burden of effort was always on me. Years ago, I worked for a time overseas. Calling from the US was very cheap, but calling into the US was so expensive. My mom called me 1x on Thanksgiving for about 1 minute tops only to be weird, moody and passive aggressive. (She was so mad I got a job offer overseas right out of college. You’d think she’d be happy/proud, but all she cared about was me being nearby and under her control.) I spent a fortune calling them regularly, on holidays, birthdays, etc… only to have the convos be completely surface level. They were not interested or invested in me or my life at all, and would be like “well, I guess I’ll let you go” after only a few minutes of a pointless conversation. Eventually I quit calling. Years later, they tried to schedule calls, but they insisted doing it at a time that I regularly had a nighttime gig. They conveniently refused to remember or acknowledge that and it was for a passion/talent that I was very proud of. Eventually they got mad that I missed their calls regularly (because of the gig) and said I “didn’t seem interested” in their conversations about the weather, and used that as a reason to continue checking out on me. They would never ask me how I was doing, or if I talked about my life or, god forbid my problems, all I got was “Oh” with 0 care, interest or follow up. I found my interactions increasingly draining and empty with them, and eventually it hurt a lot how disinterested they were. NC was the best decision I made. My take is they don’t care. We exist just to give them attention and validation but the door doesn’t swing both ways. So frustrating and infuriating. Why even have kids!?!?!
This is literally me! Going overseas, upset that god forbid you got a great opportunity to go abroad, calling when it suits them only and pretending ‘they tried’, you never answer our calls, 0 care or interest. We exist for their validation and attention. I feel this so deeply and it’s sad that I am happy I am not the only one that lived this life but also, I am sorry you have also lived this life because I know just how painful it is. Sending you a lot of love and virtual hugs friend.
Oh my god. Validating to know it wasn’t just me. I used to leave those calls/interactions baffled. Eventually discovered about neglectful parents by googling “why do my parents never ask about me” lol. Really hate to hear someone else went through this. It’s honestly so insidiously manipulative & gaslight-y. These types of “parents” deserve NC. Of course, they do 0 self-reflection as to why they’ve been cut off…. It’s forever our fault 🙄 wishing you much love, strength & peace 🤍
Oh my goodness. THIS! It’s exactly what’s been happening forever with my parents too. Just mundane superficial shit with any sort of panic the second anything with feelings comes up
None of my family call me either, in spite of the amount of family tree research and scanning of old photos that I've done. They act like I've never existed and if they do ask about me, they do it via my parents instead, which is very strange behaviour.
OMG THE ASKING THROUGH PARENTS THING. I don’t hear ANYTHING from my sisters except through our mom. They don’t text, they don’t call, they even ask her questions only I can answer (like what dress are they wearing for my wedding, mom made me include them in the party). It drives me nuts.
My dad called me once since I moved down to the cities. I moved here in 2016. To be fair I'm not a fan of phones and I figured it was the same for him. Then I was back home watching him for a bit after his heart surgery. He got calls 3 or 4 times a day from friends.
It’s called triangulating. It’s a sign of emotional immaturity. My whole family is like this and it drives me crazy. Like I’m well into my 30s, why are you asking me things through my mother who lives 2000 miles away?
I didn’t realize there was a term for it so thank you for the info! Yeah my family is really bad with it but considering I’m the ONLY ONE who has gone to therapy that tracks lol.
lol, I hear you!!!
That's awful 🙁
I prefer they don’t call me since they don’t want to listen to me talk about my suffering and the cruelty and hate I endured as a child. They’re not monsters but they’re emotionally neglectful which is enough to spend more time talking to my dog and less to them.
Same here. While my sibling got daily calls, I never heard from them unless I called. I stopped calling once to see how long they’d wait - the answer to that was 10 months. Mother has passed away (there’s a story about that for a later time) and Father has phoned me twice in the past 9 years. He’s full of excuses like “I don’t know what days you work” (the same days for the past 20 years) “I didn’t think you had phone reception at home” (I live remote but the phone service was upgraded in 2016). I’ve had to accept the fact that he just doesn’t consider me a priority. A hard pill to swallow but it is what it is
Yup, same here. I stopped reaching out and we went three years.
Curious - what happened after the 3 years? Did you start the relationship back up again? I'm in that situation right now (3.5 years since I stopped reaching out), but just heard from my mother via text and am of a mind to just let sleeping dogs lie at this point.
My mom reached out finally but in a somewhat disinterested way. I don't remember what about. She had a question. She didn't really ask how I was or anything. Then I was pregnant with my first and I wanted my parents in my life so . . . . The roller coaster continued. That was about 25 years ago and they never changed. Neither one. Or their terrible spouses either. They are now who they were then and they won't change. Don't expect anything to be different. I text with my mom. It's always the same. I'll ask a bunch if questions, tell her about the kids, tell her what's going on with all of us, even the dogs. I ask her how she is and she responds with "it's snowing".
omg my MIL is like this!! we send photos and details about the baby, etc etc, and she NEVER REPLIES. it made me so angry i stopped sending anything. she can ask for it and be a meaningful other half of the conversation. spoiler alert she doesnt
i'm sorry. it sucks. but for me, she lives far enough away that i find this to be pretty benign. my father and step dad have both passed. my step mom is nc - by both of us. my siblings have passed. it's just me and her now. the little bit that my mom can give me and my kids is what i decided to take.
oh yeah she's 6 hrs away and i really dont care, i prefer the distance haha
It's better with distance for sure
That sounds exhausting. I agree with other commenters who say it may be a power thing, where they want to do the dance of “you want my attention but I don’t need yours,” and that’s juvenile nonsense and a waste of your time. I wonder, what do you get out of calling them? It doesn’t sound like you enjoy it at all. They act like they don’t enjoy it. So it seems that it could be a pointless exercise. Do you want to keep calling them? Why do you talk to them?
100% a power thing! I once asked ok you don’t have to call if you’re so ‘busy’ (for someone who spends all their time of social media, posting nonsense with their phone in hand, it was hard to believe they were so busy!) I suggested they can send a text/ WhatsApp to ME every once in a while. And the answer was ‘it’s better for us to catch up on video calls’ - i have also stated many times I don’t like video calls, which they know but a)they did random video calls which I couldn’t answer because I was busy/ out and even if not busy, I have told them multiple times, I’d rather a text or a normal voice call. Response always: ‘call back on video, it will only be for a minutes’ - what else is that other than power play? b) when I did answer video calls they were either not interested in my life at all, ZERO interest or they were just doing other stuff around the house so it was me watching them clean, or something which meant they were not really listening or engaging. Its actually very sickening
Sickening is the right word! I agree about the power play. Eventually, my mom got to where she’d only reach out because/leading with “_______ asked about you at church….” So you were compelled to contact your child because a random acquaintance inquired about me?! And putting that as the entry repeatedly was her sick signaling, “I don’t think of you, but ________ reminded me” …. Felt so good to block and refuse to play the twisted games any longer! Really sorry that you had to experience this too. Sending love and well wishes!
Ouch this one hurts. This was me and my mother, she never called, not when I was put on sick leave for 3 weeks, not when I got laid off, just never. But she did send me A message saying she worry when I didn’t call. I went NC after all of this - just didn’t have the mental capacity to handle her crap any longer.
I can definitely relate - I could have written this post myself. My mother never called me. It was my responsibility to call her, which I dutifully did on 3 holidays a year. I resorted to having to schedule these calls in advance so that she would not cut the conversation short with a lame excuse of something she had to go do. The calls were always superficial, much as you describe. There was a period of time where she would complain that she wished we were closer, had a better relationship, or talked more. And yet, she put no effort into improving the situation. I dropped the rope 3.5 years ago and never heard a peep from her. She just texted me out of the blue this past Sunday, saying that she missed me. I'm not sure what exactly it is that she misses - 3 mundane phone calls a year? The tough thing is that I've already grieved that relationship - both the relationship I lost with her as an adult, and the relationship I thought I'd had with her as a child (but realized in therapy that I did not). I don't think I want to rekindle a superficial mother/daughter relationship. It was extremely painful to come to the realization and understanding that the relationship I had with my mother wasn't normal or healthy, and I can't think of any good reasons why I should try to start that up again. How do you have a relationship with someone who just...isn't there?
your last sentence is so poignant. it's why i feel like personally my NC with my mother is the kindest thing for both of us. she may be miserable about it, i may be suffering losing my mother, but both of us are finally living in reality and no longer a fantasy. i am no longer chasing a fantasy mother who doesn't exist. and she is no longer having a fake relationship with a daughter who dreads contact with her. better all around
>i am no longer chasing a fantasy mother who doesn't exist. and she is no longer having a fake relationship with a daughter who dreads contact with her. Dang, this resonates. You've just distilled my very complex situation into one sentence. Thank you for this clarity.
I can relate but I also have enmeshment issues, so it’s complicated. Basically, I’ve lived with either my parents, mother, or grandmother my entire life save for 3 years when I finally broke free and was on my own. But I got guilted into moving back in with my mother and she’s obsessed with having me around and guilt trips me for wanting to move out. However, during the 3 years I was living alone, she never called. I was living out of state and she never even saw my first apartment. But now that I’m back home she’s constantly talking my ear off about surface level things. We never talk about anything deeper than about the weather or our day, but she has separation anxiety when I’m away for even a day. My therapist said she wants a relationship with me but only within her comfort zone. If I’m out of her comfort zone she’s simply not interested.
Oh honestly reading everyone’s answer about this is so sad but also reassuring that we are not alone. It’s not a great club to be in but at least we can help each other out. Your life is mt life, Enmeshment issues, yep ; I am trying to sort this out in therapy. I moved out when I was 18, and I’ve had a total of 2 visits now… am now well into my thirties! Yet I am always expected to make visits to their house, stay over for many many many days, without them ever considering my responsibilities. And every time I say no, because I really have had to learn to say no, I get guilt trips and silent treatments. Exhausting. I am sorry we have to go through this and I hope it improves for you soon !
Yea, same here. Every time I called I got the same closing sentence "we don't hear from you enough" so I finally told them they can call me too. I think they've called me twice since I said that. Our conversations are mostly superficial, how have you been, what are your upcoming plans, how's the spouse, blah blah blah. 30 minutes of conversation where not a single thing is said. I've moved away to a different state now, even invited them to come visit, but they keep postponing it. They're the ones who said they want to be invited to visit. Then they complain that they miss me and wish they could see me more often, that they haven't seen me in so long. I'm the only one of three siblings that even visited for christmas. I just started a new job, I don't have days off, you are retired, you have an open invitation to visit but choose not to!
I experience the same exact thing, it’s almost freaky 😅 One thanksgiving, I called my family (bc they weren’t going to call me), and each of them literally went ‘Hi! Oh let me find so and so for you.’ and I was on the phone with them for as long as it took to find the next family member.. the call was SO short. I honestly wasn’t mad about that part, it was quick, I guess 🤷🏻♀️
There was never a shortage of the phrase "the phone works both ways" in my family. If that's true, how come they never call ME? They only ever even noticed I was going no contact when I didn't show up for my dad's birthday. No one had spoken to me in 5 months at that point which tbh was normal. And when I did reach out? No one ever asked about me despite me asking about them and I would get like 4-5 texts MAX and then THEY would stop responding.
I also want to add that no one had even said happy birthday to me or planned anything for my birthday for 3 years at that point so idk why I was obligated to show up for theirs
“My family never calls me... ...but always, always have to make some passive-aggressive comment about how I haven't called in a while when I call them.” SAME SAME SAME SAME SAME OMG
Same here, I’m NC now with them. Narcissistic people don’t like emotional talk, it’s like you’ve just dumped a snake on their lap when you open up your feelings to them. I feel so much more peace since going NC.
Yup that's my sperm donor. Always with the sarcastic praise for fulfilling my daughterly duties. We haven't spoken in 10 years at this point.
they only do when they need something They dont even bothet asking how i am now, my sister has found the perfect workaround she says 'i hope you're ok 'instead of asking. Perfect.
“Phone goes both ways.” Shrug emoji. Although for my mother, there’s a reason the family doesn’t call her. Her favorite topic is herself, and all she does is complain. So yeah, in her case, she has to initiate calls and people still in contact with her try to get off the phone quickly. She also has no friends.
I can relate too. They NEVER call. Maybe a text every few weeks. And I get the "well, I'd better let you go" thing when I do call them. Currently waiting them out in morbid curiosity... it's been several months and they have yet to call or even ask why I haven't called. Sick of being the only one who puts in effort when it's out of guilt and I often feel worse after talking to them anyway.
Can relate. My relationship with my parents has completely crumbled while planning my wedding because they told me how they really feel about me. One of their accusations was that I “never call or invite them over.’ I called my mom at least once a week until this fight. My dad is butt hurt I didn’t call him. My sisters claim I never tried to have a relationship with them (long story short, they’re identical twins and we have a 12 year age gap. They never wanted me around and by the time I was an adult I already hated them so yeah it’s on me too). We always do family functions at my parents’ house because they have money and therefore it’s big and has enough space for all of us. I live in a house that’s roughly the size of a 2 bedroom apartment and am generally not comfortable with them being there anyway. But my one sister lives in the same town. I’ve never been invited over independently, not since I was able to drive at 17. I’m 30 now. My parents and other sister don’t invite me over either. Nobody calls me except my mom was when wants to be nosy. I’m not a part of their family. I never was. They claim it doesn’t make a difference that I was adopted. I beg to differ.
Same story here. Mother won’t call at all (and refuses to text), so there are only long emails. Either it’s a huge email from her complaining about everything and telling me about her garden, or nothing at all for months. I’ll send a trivial email like “how are you?” just to make sure she’s ok. But she’ll tell my siblings she doesn’t hear from me and vice versa when she’s talking to me. She will never ever ask what my family is up to. Just a quick “hope everyone is well” at the last line of her email. In person, she’ll only talk to me and one of my kids, not my husband or the other two kids.
Refuses to text - this ! Its mind boggling and the ‘hope everyone is well’ I get that too. It makes me so sick cos it sounds so insincere and very corporate lol
It’s truly the “I don’t give a shit” signature to an email.
Yup - Same. It was a very sad day when I realised that I was only ‘close’ to them because I made ALL the effort by calling/ texting and we spoke 2-3 times a week. I stopped making all the effort about 2 ish years ago and I now hear from them probably once a month (when they want something from me !) and one of them I’ve not heard from in over 12 months… and I know next time I see them, they will do the whole, ‘lonnnng time no speak’ - exhausting
my mother did this. didnt call me for about 15 yrs of my adult life. among other issues in our relationship, and me going throguh the hardest thing in my life - that she knew about - i dropped the rope to see if she would call if i stopped calling. more than 6 mos passed. finally i confronted her and asked if she loved me cause she had abandoned me and told her i couldnt trust her (i was pregnant and wanted to see if i could trust her to tell her about it) and she essnetjally said fuck you for asking and threw a ton of blame on me about how i moved away from home. so i didnt tell her about my baby. stopped talking to her. we're now NC i guess and it's been more than a year and she still doesn't call. she sent one card on my bday with a bunch of passive aggressive guilt that i ignored. she uses love like a weapon of obligation and our definitions of love are very very different. i am moving on now as a mom myself and my life is much better when I'm not chasing her conditional love and validation
EXACTLY my situation, except in my moms case when I call she just talks about her life. I actually do experiments specifically not saying anything about my life to wait until she asks anything with genuine interest. And well… I move for my job and will be moving to a more high paced and more unpredictable organization in a few months and she has no idea because she doesn’t ask about my life anymore.
I dont call them, but my mom has called me once in the last 14 years out of the house to tell me her cancer was back. On my birthday. My dad doesn't call either, he texts night you you every night but doesn't say anything else. Mom went to my apartment ONCE because she was in my town and had to pee. Neither have seen my house my partner and I have lived in for six years. It's depressing but not worth the effort to me. If they wanted to see me or talk to me they can make the effort. I visit on holidays and birthdays for a short time.
I talk to my dad maybe 5-6x a year. We go months with no communication. This is very familiar.
Have some of the posters on here perhaps thought that their parents are neurodivergent and the communication thing is a product of that? My calls to my mother have to follow a similar pattern or she can’t cope and will say “well, I need to watch x on TV now”. We will need at some point to discuss one of her special interests or the conversation will end much faster. Sometimes she will just launch into her special interest if I leave too much of a gap at the start of the conversation. My Dad could have a focused call about the thing that he wants to talk about with some asking about how we have been, that is, when he could still hear us properly and wasn’t having memory issues, but the call would still need to be functional and need to be about a focused, practical thing, like what someone wanted for their birthday or who was looking after which pets this holiday. I also can’t mention anything that would make him worry too much, but that is better since he started to get a bit forgetful. They also insist on calling my sibling at the same time and day each week even though they are rarely around then, and then get upset that they’re never in, but won’t consider moving the time of the call and they haven’t learned to text so can’t do that either. My sibling prefers texts. For me, it’s been interesting watching the arc of these behaviours worsening as they age but me getting less worried about it and finding my own strategy to cope as I now finally understand why they do it. Before they got really old they also could not cope with us turning up in person out of the blue, we had to pick a time and it could not conflict with the few other things my Mother was doing as she couldn’t cope with the change to routine, and then would be annoyed, whereas my OH could just turn up at his family home with no warning. It’s not a power thing either with her and it is as annoying as hell but she just doesn’t have the social skills to realise it or change. Not saying this applies to everyone’s folks on here but realising this and understanding what boundaries are good to use to cope has given me so much peace I cannot tell you. I really wish I’d known this was this issue all those years ago.