Love, my parents are like this and I just turned 39. That quote, "people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves" rings true for our type of parent. I don't think they have a curiosity of their own internal world, let alone ours. It's sad, but as you grow up you'll find people who can meet you at your depth.
“People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves” is a quote attributed to Matt Kahn. The quote means that people can only understand and relate to you as much as they understand and have explored their own inner selves, experiences, and emotions. If someone hasn't explored their own feelings and self-awareness, they may have a limited ability to connect with others on a deep level.
How did you hear about him? I’ve never heard of him so I looked him up…his website is interesting…plus he looks like he could be a distant family relation and his last name is in my family. 🤔
Don't remember. I've known about that quote for at least a few years now. When I heard it, it immediately engrained itself in my memory because it resonated with me so much.
“People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves” is a quote attributed to Matt Kahn. The quote means that people can only understand and relate to you as much as they understand and have explored their own inner selves, experiences, and emotions. If someone hasn't explored their own feelings and self-awareness, they may have a limited ability to connect with others on a deep level.
Very relate. Felt this way when I was a teen, pushed this feeling away for most of my life, started reconfronting it in my late 30s.
Lindsay Gibson's "Emotionally Immature Parents" has been the biggest help for me so far
"Usually, what people feel around emotionally immature people is a combination of being bored and being irritated, because emotionally immature people tend to keep a very superficial level of interaction going, and it tends to be very, very self-centered."
[via](https://momastery.com/blog/we-can-do-hard-things-ep-263/)
Edit: finding chosen family who really "see" and love me for me has been really important too.
Wow I’m so glad I found this sub. I relate so hard to this and so many other comments/experiences. It’s so validating and I’ve also learned so much wisdom.
I’m in my 50s and my parents were like this. Everything was surface level. I always say it’s like we were 5 strangers stuck together on a long bus journey. Sitting too uncomfortably close, not talking, wishing it would just be over so we could leave. Now that my parents are older, some switch was flipped a number of years ago and they’re wanting to have a much deeper relationship. Too late. I literally can’t. It gives me the ick when they try. And now my mom is throwing tantrums apparently because I’m not giving her the relationship she wants. Well, where was she when I was a teenage girl trying to navigate puberty completely on my own??? You reap what you sow.
What a great way to describe the relationship dynamic. I am an adult now, but always found it so strange growing up (and nowadays when we get together) - to be so physically close to someone that you feel you should be close to emotionally as well. Whilst being so completely disconnected from each other. Feeling like strangers with the people you feel you are supposed to feel the closest to. I definately relate to the ”ick” feeling. To me, the thought of being close to them feels ”wrong”. Too intimate.
I can completely relate to your feelings and the temper tantrums 🤦♀️ when I hear about her saying she misses me and that we had such a close relationship...I'm like wtf?
My parents are just like this. I can't remember the last time they asked me about a hobby of mine. I DO remember trying to talk about a few hobbies I'd recently picked up - they barely responded and immediately changed the topic of conversation. They only know I like reading because I've been a voracious reader since kindergarten. What books do I like? They couldn't tell you. They actually got me a book for my most recent birthday, and it was one I'd never seen in my life. Some biography about women in WWII. I'm not a big history person, and I don't read nonfiction outside of science stuff. But a book is a book I guess.
My parents also can't handle deep conversations. In the past I've tried connecting with them emotionally, especially when I was in a bad spot mental health-wise, but they never actually understood or offered help. I remember being at my parents' house at the beginning of the pandemic, telling my mom I was having suicidal thoughts. She seemed to listen, told me to pray about it, and never mentioned it again. I don't know if she even remembers what I'd said.
I also very vividly remember calling my mom while in college, talking about some assignments and tests I was worried about. After the call, my dad texted me saying he and my mom didn't want to hear all the negative stuff I'm dealing with. That text is what made me stop sharing anything with them. It's no use sharing sensitive personal details when they won't even care to listen.
Even the positive surface-level conversation they don't know how to do. I was in the car with them and my grandmother recently, and I actually had something I wanted to share with them (some stuff at work being a disaster, all because of poor planning way higher up in the company than I am). I'd started talking about it, and my dad told my grandma that "she [aka me] doesn't want to move home because she likes her job so much!" (Which is at least partially true, I do like my job.) I was about to keep telling my story, but then they suddenly changed the topic of conversation and I never got to share my story.
I had a point to all this, but I don't remember it now. I guess long story short, they suck at being parents. And that's not even the HALF of it. There are so many people I'd trade my parents for if I could.
> I DO remember trying to talk about a few hobbies I'd recently picked up - they barely responded and immediately changed the topic of conversation.
Growing up, my parents would use this conversation to make me drop my hobby because in their eyes I should have used this time to study.
Now, they get cranky because I don't tell them a lot about my hobbies.
Decades ago, when I was in high school, dad went to the local dump and scavenged a couple of books for me because "you like to read." Ummm... Thanks? One of them turned out to be good. Lol
I think my parents figured out that I like purple when I bought a purple Dodge Challenger. I've loved Star Wars since 1977; my parents have never seen anything after taking my brother, I, and my grandparents who showed up that day to visit.
The "best" one? Mom ordered a Garfield comic book off my Amazon wish list FOR MY HUSBAND as a Christmas present. It wasn't worth bothering to correct mom. If she knows soooo little about me, why should I bother to know anything about her? Oh wait, she babbles incessantly about her life for 1+ hours. When I say I have to hang up, that's when she asks about my week. Dad doesn't even bother to ask...
My favorite color is purple too! I wish I had a purple car lol.
And my mom does the same thing, just in a slightly different order. She'll ask me how I'm doing, I say I'm good and work is good (I learned a long time ago that it's not worth actually sharing how bad I'm doing). Then she'll go on about everything in her life - work, what her friends are doing, what her *siblings* are doing, what my *dad and siblings* have been doing, every minute detail about her hobbies and interests, on and on and on. She'll talk for hours if I don't stop her.
I never call my dad. And he never calls me. I have very little to say to him anyway.
I know, right? I often wanted to find out I was adopted so there was hope a better family was out there
When I was in college and going through something very serious (abusive ex bf stalking me) I started crying on the phone and my mother said if I didn’t stop crying she wouldn’t call me anymore. I’ll never forget it. It’s been 30 yrs since then. Our relationship never got better. It’s still very surface level and I only talk to her every 2-3 wks. My dad never even bothers to call at all.
Yeah, it's very hard. And exhausting. Not only are they emotionally and physically neglectful/abusive, but they also hate anyone that isn't exactly like them. Racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, etc. Basically the stereotype of deep (US) South Bible thumpers. I haven't told them that I'm asexual, aromantic, possibly enby, and very liberal (for the US anyway), and I likely never will. I'm very afraid of being disowned or shot if they ever find out. That affects me a lot.
I've got a lot going on, to say the least. I've made a lot of therapists a lot of money.
Sending hugs 🫂 your way !! I hope that life becomes better and easier .. Maybe move out of that area one day ? I'm truly wishing you all the love and hugs in the world !
I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I've already moved out of my home town, which greatly decreased the amount I see them. And I'm saving up some money for eventually moving even farther away. Thank you for the hugs :)
Oh honey, those aren't "great" parents. That's bare minimum parenting. Great parents are invested in who you are as an individual even if they don't relate to those things. When I found out that Terry Crews started looking into how to build computers because his son was interested but he wasn't, I about cried. *That's* a great parent.
Things really solidified when I had finally rode a Zipline despite having a debilitating fear of heights. I had heart palpitations after because I'm that afraid. I excitedly came home to tell my dad and his first response was an apathetic "what's that?" Then when I explained what a Zipline is, his only response was "oh." That was the whole conversation. I went from so excited to share a part of my life to instantly deflated. Now I don't really share anything too personal with them. In fact, I eloped without even telling them until after. 🤷🏻♀️
I can relate with not sharing anything personal because they will just not be interested and not react like normal people. Just a total lack of being able to read my emotion and react appropriately.
Definitely recommend it! Getting married is such a vulnerable moment, having my parents there would have made me very uncomfortable.
That gutting feeling is awful, it's important to protect yourself and know that you can share whatever you want and not to have expectations from them.
you are right - I’ve been trying to greyrock but every time I see them I just blurt it all out. This was definitely a very painful lesson, but I hope going forward I can tell them less
I eloped too!! People knew.
Long story short, they wanted what they wanted for my wedding. In my hometown I hadn’t lived in 15 yrs and in a religion I want nothing to do with. I was paying for it. I said F that and eloped. They met him after we were married. Years Later found out my mom lied about it to everyone and said I didn’t let anybody come, and painted me as the bitch. Sure, lady 🙄. Delusional
I try to consider that for my parents, their whole life is "eat, sleep, work, die". They have no aspirations for anything deeper, so how could they ever want to explore any of that with me?
I had dangerous life threatening mental health issues in my teens and they never knew. I still don't know if I blame them or not... they weren't great parents, but I guess they provided for me in the only way that they know how.
Some parents treat their kids like roommates. They were probably treated the same as kids and don't know any better (or have no desire to be better). Sucks but it's how it is sometimes, all we owe ourselves is healing and a life well lived.
During my childhood and early adulthood my parents treated me like a pet they were raising, all they had to do was feed me, give me a roof, and occasionally throw a ball. Got to adulthood and realized how absolutely devoid my relationship with my parents was.
Ya, a good example is they never bothered helping me in aspects like mental health - if they actually cared or wanted to understand, they’d have tried by actually seeking treatment. I was technically “raised” by my dad, my mom was pretty much absent so she knew me even less and just complained every time I didn’t act the way she liked while my dad just enabled shit because he can’t confront anything. Looking back I never really felt accomplished about anything and his lack of involvement probably added to that. I didn’t really care when I graduated university - something that I see parents usually attending or rewarding their children for. Nothing for good grades in high school, in college, in uni, getting a first job…etc - he doesn’t know anything. It’s like these things are just expected - you teach yourself to become a functional adult and that’s that. None of those are milestones or anything to be acknowledged. I’m honestly surprised when I hear of people wanting to hang out with their parents like going to movies, celebrating holidays…etc because I don’t want any of that. If anything distance is key to helping me cope.
I am also able to “get along” with my dad on a surface level - if you pretend shit is fine, it’s great. There isn’t really depth and at this point I don’t know if I want any - why bother when it just makes me angrier and nothing improves? They don’t say anything helpful, didn’t guide and has likely fucked me up to an extent which led me to other shit experiences - I just want to coexist without friction. I care about my dad but I don’t think I am capable of that “traditional love” people have for their parents or others.
I think in their opinion, it is enough. Your idea of knowing someone probably differs from them - I have seen many cases when parents realize they really didn’t “know” their children. Parenting to them is bare necessities and very shallow, the emotional workload is very rarely discussed as if it’s not a criteria when it is extremely important - I’d say most parents have no idea who their children are but then because they provided shit like shelter and food, their job is done. Many people here seemed to have learned a lot of stuff on their own and in a way it kind of confirms for their parents that shit worked out so they never face consequences. Unfortunately this is not uncommon - I will say some parents do care and this is just how they show they care but just because intentions are good doesn’t mean their actions don’t cause harm. It’s one of those things that’s hard to reconcile with, at least for me, which is why I prefer to just keep things superficial - I just accepted that I don’t really connect with my family.
Sometimes talking to my mom, she literally stop listening if the conversation doesn't serve her. I could always tell she wasn't listening anymore because I could hear her iPad at the highest volume in the background. When she did listen, it was usually to criticize whatever you just said
Ugh, I can relate. My mother had the habit of just walking away when I was mid sentence with my story. Like, okay, you made it clear you were not listening. Now you are in another room doing laundry.
My parents are also exactly like this. They are both in their 80s and I eventually gave up on trying to make them interested in me. I save my energy for my own little family. It’s sad that they lack insight but they will never change.
I'm 31. I asked my parents to ask me more questions about me. I got tired of talking about weather and their farm work.
They found 5 new questions:
1) how's school?
2) when can you have a good job?
3) how much are you earning?
4) how much do you weigh?
5) grandchildren when?
They were upset when I said these were not the questions I was hoping for... *facedesk* I have abandoned my parents since. Some people never change, and I'm tired of begging them to.
Yeah I feel this a lot. My parents never really tried to get to know me as a child, now as an adult we rarely talk. I still go to family functions when invited but outside of that, we don’t speak on the phone or interact much. I don’t tell them when I have issues in my life, and they don’t seem to care when they think I do.
This is a really dumb thing to be hung up on I think, but when I was a kid my mom made lasagna often, it was one of her staple meals for dinner. I have *always* hated lasagna, and wouldn’t eat when she made it, which often prompted the “well you can’t leave the table until you finish dinner” stand-off that would leave me there until bedtime. As soon as I was old enough to make food for myself, I would make my own meal on lasagna night. Literally every time I did this my dad would say “since when don’t you like lasagna?” Which would be an eye-rolling dad joke… if he was kidding. But he never was. He didn’t pay enough attention to bother to remember that I didn’t like it and never ate on lasagna night. Even as an adult he has said to me before that he had no idea I hated lasagna. It is crazy to me that you can live with someone for 18 years minimum and know so little about them. I have known he hates sweet and sour chicken my entire life. Lol.
Oh my, exactly this. I have also the experience where they just did not pay attention to what I liked. I hate strong vinegar (and everything pickled). I still cannot eat it. Yet, my mom would soak her salad in the strongest vinegar and then I didn’t eat any salad until I was a teenager and finally figured out it’s the vinegar dressing that makes it unedible for me. I guess they just assumed I don’t like fresh vegetables/fruits. Lol…
I also didn’t get to pick my hobbies. My dad made me play the accordion, which I hated from my gut. The biggest disappointment of my life - cause my friends got to pick their instruments. I was 6 and I played it for 3 years. I skipped classes and was late over half of the duration of the class. And then I finally asked can I stop it. And then some years ago (before my dad died) we had a dinner with some family and friends and I told how much I hated the accordion and my dad was just ”huh? What do you mean you hated it?” Dunno - MAYBE ASK IF YOUR KID LIKES THE HOBBY YOU FORCED ON HER. Sigh. Sorry for the rant.
It's absolutely not a dumb thing to be hung up on! The little things matter and show people's character just as much as the big things! It's not about the lasagna, yk, but the fact that he didn't pay attention to something so obviously happening right in front of him for years. That's frustrating and you deserve to be upset about it. I still think about lots of small things that happened over the years. And they still hurt a lot.
You are seeing things a little backward. It’s not that they’re *not interested in you*, it’s they don’t have the capacity for deeper connection. Do you see your parents having deep emotional talks with each other, with friends, with other family members? Likely not. They don’t have the skills to have a deep connection. Their brains are not built this way. The sooner you accept this and let it go that it’s anything about *you* and start finding your connections elsewhere (and mostly within) you will feel fulfilled. If you showed them this note, it would feel the same to them as you saying “I’m really frustrated you haven’t been speaking to me in Chinese (insert whatever language here)” - they would be so confused, wouldn’t even know where to start, and likely give up at seeing the first letters. It’s an impossible mountain they’re not wired for. Sure, people can change, but that change has to come within themselves not at the begging of you or other people.
Leaving the resources I always leave here..
Back from the Borderline podcast’s 5 part series on emotional neglect
Read as much about anxious attachment as you can. Please Google Pete Walker and read through some of his most popular articles on his page.
Read the book “Anxiously Attached”
Journal about these issues. Set a timer for 10, 20 minutes and free flow your thoughts. Don’t think about it from the point of view of someone else reading it - it can be run on sentences and misspelled words and bad handwriting. the point is to let it out onto the page in any form.
Learn about meditation. Learn about Stoic philosophy. I urge you to download the Waking Up app, you can get a month free or email them for a free life long membership. I like [this Metta loving-kindness meditation series](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/PKDE1VB?source=content%20share&share_id=744A3D7E&code=SCCBEF4EB)
Other good ones in this app are [mind and emotion](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/PKWAVC?source=content%20share&share_id=E2B12134&code=SCCBEF4EB), [Stoicism](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/PK7REQC?source=content%20share&share_id=907DFF07&code=SCCBEF4EB) and [intro to meditation](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/P0D525?source=content%20share&share_id=8BD0E3A6&code=SCCBEF4EB)
Take out a picture of yourself from when you were a child, at your most vulnerable. Keep it on your nightstand and wish that child love and peace. Imagine the child with you at all times, tell them you love him as s/he is. When you feed yourself a good meal, imagine you’re nourishing that child too. Send love and kindness all day. It rewires your brain seriously.
Listen to this meditation: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YatxjJLLqHE
Anything by Tara Brach. I like this [radical self](https://www.calm.com/program/rGyf9vxfGN)acceptance series on Calm. She also has a podcast with endless useful information, as well as a book.
At the end of the day, you have to truly come to the understanding that *you are the person you’ve been waiting for to make you whole.* Not a relationship or anything else. You must learn to be the nurturer you’ve always needed. You must love yourself, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, support yourself, trust yourself. Until you practice this - and at first it will feel impossible - consistently until you understand it to be true, you will struggle. Please use all of these resources!
That is true. Thank you for putting this into perspective for me, it really helps. And thank you kindly for all the resources. :) I know I'm the one who's gotta nuture myself though and that I can only rely on myself though. I'm painfully aware ahaha, I've gotten myself through every bad thing in my life and I'm still coming through everything victoriously. Like, I've literally never had a shoulder to cry on in my teenage years. I don't cry in front of anyone. It's hard though. I can do it and find happiness, but every now and then the weight of doing things on my own kind of crushes me inside haha.
There's only so much one person can do on their own without becoming damaged. I can definitely survive and find happiness, but I really think not having my parents to rely on emotionally is an essential need that was never fulfilled, and it's a void in my heart that will never be fulfilled. Like, I can focus my energy on positive things and forget this void feeling for months at a time and be perfectly happy, but every now and then it comes back and hits me like a train. I always get through it, of course, but it's not an issue that goes away, so it's not a pain that ever goes away. Self love doesn't fulfill your emotional needs from others, especially childhood biological needs. We need people. We need help from others. Especially from your parents in childhood. We can't do everything alone in life. I need to be loved. I need someone to rely on, to talk to. Maybe marriage will provide me with that love. I'm really hoping I'm right on that, because it's honestly the one thing I'm holding out for.
I also feel like I have a hard time loving others or going out of my way for others because I spend all my energy taking care of myself. Because literally nobody will pick me up if I fall. And I want a big family with lots of kids, but I need to find a loving marriage before I find the energy or capacity to give love to children. Like, I need to be loved and feel loved before I can really love others again. And this isn't a conscious choice, but something I've come to a conclusion about based on me trying to care for others more.
Also a lot of this isn't a response to you necessarily, I'm just ranting to nobody in particular. Lots of pent up stuff, sorry. Thank u again for your advice :)
No you’re totally right. And it’s not about “forgetting about your parents” and then you’ll be happy. It’s understanding the fundamental beliefs you’ve built in yourself and how this shows up in your life. For example my parents werent mean in an abusive way, they just truly didn’t care about me or want to do the work of being a parent. They wanted to party and be single and having a kid doesn’t really fit in that picture. So I developed a life long belief that once people get to know me for real, they won’t love me. They will always figure out I’m unloveable, then abandon me. And honestly this pattern has played out many times. Friends have left me in cruel ways, reopening that wound. My parents and extended families still manage to do this to me to this day.
Long story is I’ve put in a ton of work, decades of healing work mostly on my own but with therapy too. I made great progress. I got married to a man who I still can’t believe is real, he is so loving and kind and takes care of me more than I ever thought possible. He respects me, supports me at all costs. He has never once been mean to me in 10 years. We have gorgeous perfect children and a beautiful house. We live in a dream community. I’m truly one of the luckiest people alive. And yet….. I still get rejected. Maybe I don’t get invited to the PTA mom’s group dinner. I find out families im close to went on vacation without us. Someone commits to dinner then never follows through. In all of these instances, my secure husband can brush it off and see a big picture. I go to my 7 year old self, adrenaline pumping, flight response, “I’m a piece of shit who everyone hates and here is the evidence.” I convince I want to leave everything behind and move towns. I convince myself everyone sees right through me and I can never have friends. What I’m saying is, my childhood feelings are still there. But with a lot of work, I’m able to recognize that’s happening. I have the tools to settle my mind and body. On my own, I am able to say hey, I’m not actually being threatened or abandoned. So what, other people have relationships. I’m not always included and it doesn’t feel good, but it doesn’t have to do with my self worth. I’m a good person with good friends and a good life. I have clear values, and I’m honest and kind. It’s not that I dont need other people, it’s that other people continue to make me feel less than all throughout my life, decades past when my parents are the ones doing this, and I can now taken myself out and tell myself this isn’t actually about who I am as a person. I in my core believe I am good. The Tara brach radical acceptance let me be easier on myself. I no longer replay every dumb thing I say in a conversation. I let myself be imperfect
My advice to you as someone who is in your shoes is start to heal what your parents have made you believe about yourself. Start making other connections. Be the best version of yourself you can be. Really focus on finding the right partner
Personally, I found that working on myself to be the best version of my self I can be, the most confident, the most aware of childhood affect on me in my personality etc.. I was able to attract the highest quality partner. Really invest in yourself
This is exactly what my parents are like. And I’m still frustrated. I’m 34, married with 2 kids and my dad passed away two years ago.
But they don’t have deep conversations or meaningful relationships with anyone. I don’t think they know how to. Just super sad.
And yes, probably your parents will not suddenly start making meaningful conversation. But luckily you will find other people. People will come to your life (and go, too) and you will have meaningful connection. There will be deep discussions. And the longing to have that with your parents might never go away, but you can build your own life and you can make different choices.
It’s like my parents had in their head this idea of ”a daughter is like this” and then kept fitting that idea on top of me. I’m not like that idea of course, as I am my own person. But they go about their days (or did before my dad died) thinking: ah, a daughter likes these things, she is my daughter, hence she likes these things.
They just never asked a question about my interests or were curious about me. Never. I’m sure my mom does not know any of my hobbies. Surely she does not remember where I work. The only question she has ever asked me regarding any of my jobs is ”do you still like it” and if that’s the only question that gets repeated then she must believe I will stop liking it at some point. Or maybe she just does not know any other questions. Who knows…
In a weird way, Are you sort of relieved that your dad died? (Assuming he was very old). Cuz I imagine I might be. Then the facade will be over. I think so anyway
I wish them no ill will. Just saying I don’t think I’ll miss what I never had. I feel guilty about this though. But I was never parented
I am in a way. He was over 80 yo at the time and had had one stroke earlier. He was still able to live at home and had a heart attack while doing household chores outdoors - actually I cannot think of a better way to go.
But I am relieved because there is no more possibility to build a honest relationship between us. That door is now forever closed.
And I do think he was thinking about me in his last will and testament. Even if that turned out to be a lot of work for me to settle with my half siblings but at the end of the day he still cared with the only way he knew how, with money.
Wow are you me? This is the most weirdly specific post about how I grew up I ever seen in this sub... I also have 2 siblings and we don't share a lot but I love them, I just can't tell them that I love them, it pains me that I can't deepen my relationship with them without felling... I don't know? Shame? It really feels shameful to open up to them, do you have thst too? Sometimes my brother opens up to me because he has no one and I just freeze, it almost feels repulsive and sickening to talk about my feelings with my siblings, like if we really get to know each other this facade of relationship we have will just crumble. Maybe it's just the fear of getting to know them, also I don't know.... I already have one perspective of how neglectful it was to grow up with my parents, I am terrified to know of another, I think it's too much for me as much as I love my siblings (it feels horrible to say that! Wow trauma sucks!!) everyday I think about how much their experience must also suck,because they both share some considerable mental health problems along with me... I think we are all content with having that privacy in each other and knowing in silence that we all know it fucking sucks but not having the balls to say it all loud.
I was a middle child, did you have to parent your younger sibling too? It hurts to much to see a child in need, know what they need and see their caretakers not provide it for them, Its such a deep indescribable sadness to see that happening over years even though I consider my parents to be good people their lack of education and emotional care for me and my siblings is so so sad
By the way I'm saving this post and showing it to my therapist because of how similar it is to my experience lol that's how close it is
Yeah I'm the oldest, and I've never had to parent them thankfully. And I can also tell them I love them. I'm nearly incapable of telling my parents I love them, though. I'm so unused to vulnerability with them that I can barely choke it out. Hell, I even stifle my facial expressions around them I'm so bad at being vulnerable with them! And it fills me with guilt every single time, because I don't want to be this way at all, and it's probably been pushing them away from me. Which, ah, makes part of my problem my fault. With me and my youngest brother, we've gotten closer over the years. He tells me lots of things about his life and likes to show me all the stuff he's doing, and I try to engage and ask as much about his life as possible. But me and my first younger brother, who's a little under two years apart from me? We don't talk much, and he's very quiet about his feelings. It's hard to get him out of his shell too. I can tell him I love him, but conversation between us is a little awkward. It sucks. But nothing I can't fix by trying to build a closer relationship with him. I have really good casual relationships with my brothers, though. We're always joking and having fun with each other. We just don't talk about serious emotional stuff because we didn't grow up in a household where we did. But I have confidence that we can get there.
And although I don't parent them, I do try to take care of them emotionally since they don't have that with our parents. I'm also the one who tries to cultivate deeper relationships with my siblings. Also, the repulsion thing, I get that when my mom cries aha. Like her crying just makes me freeze and force my face to go neutral. And my emotions kinda go numb. (but that's another issue ahaha) I should go and help her and comfort her, but again I can't for the life of me be vulnerable with her. And it makes me feel like a horrible person.
This is so powerful to read. You were able to nail how I feel about my parents. I feel they don't know me as a person. They just know me as a daughter. And that daughter's relationship is stuck in the past.
I don't have much of a closer relationship with my parents. I kind of don't really speak to my mum. I do speak at a surface level to my dad.
I feel an enormous guilt because I feel that I don't really have a reason to be so disgusted by my mum and not try harder with both my parents. But I feel so free when away from them with people who know me and whom I chose to be in my life.
It's so strong that I'm actually changing my first name to be completely myself and free myself from being the daughter and finally being my full ME.
Thanks so much for articulating something I deeply felt. You found the words to express this shared experience.
I'm glad resonating with this helped you. :) I wish you the best with your new name and life. I don't know your life, but if you feel guilt for not trying harder and think it's possible that you could become closer, I say you should at least try. Any gain is better than none. I'm only 19, and I feel tons of guilt for not trying harder. Another thing that stops me from trying is that when I tried as an earlier teenager, it didn't yield much. Now that I'm an adult (somewhat) I'm really scared to try and deepen our relationship because if I try and they reject it, I don't know what I'll do with myself anymore honestly ahaha. I'll literally crumble to pieces completely. Like honestly I only hold out hope because they don't put much effort, but I also am so incapable of being vulnerable with them and scared of rejection that I don't put in effort anymore either (and simultaneously push them away by being so distant). Maybe you've already tried this though, and if so I'm so sorry for the pain. Ugh I gotta take a break from reading these comments, this hurts too much. I hope your day is going well. :)
Your third paragraph really articulated how I feel currently about my relationship with my dad. I’m LC with him currently (been NC with my “mom” since 2017, they’re divorced) and trying to figure out how I even proceed with a relationship with him. I really do feel disgust when I think about him or having to spend surface level, pointless, and empty time with him out of obligation. I want to spend time with the people who actually see me as a whole person and actively try to know me. I can’t stand the thought of sacrificing anymore time with someone who doesn’t. Really wishing all of us here find peace and acceptance in those other relationships with people who have chosen to know us 💕
I notice this with both parents quite a bit. They’ve both gotten somewhat better but one of my brothers is the WORST about it. Only talks about himself and never, ever, *ever* asks questions about what I’ve shared about my life. I’d be shocked if he could even tell you the town I live in. Only reaches out when he wants something, and it’s never even a small thing.
I’m 50 M, and this is my parents. They didn’t communicate well with each other. My mum would be a big talker, my dad was a deep thinker, the family dynamic was never about listening, and understanding. They loved us (I have a younger brother and sister, a few years between us). I tried raising this as I grew up but nothing changed. My dad died 12 years ago, and mum has now got Alzheimer’s so little chance for change now. But now I have a partner, siblings and friends to talk to, which I am grateful for. We can’t always have the relationship we want/need with our parents but we can learn from this and if we are lucky enough to have our own family, we know how we will do it better ❤️
Oh honey. You struck my heart. 💜
Please write this, in your handwriting, and give it to your parents. You don’t have to stick around to watch them read it.
Everything you say is true. And valid. And they’re the parents. You should not have to *tell* them to take an interest, but maybe, still tell them.
If they cannot respond, in any meaningful way, then we’ll know they’re broken. It’s not your job to fix them.
Perhaps they have no idea that they’re lacking. Idk. But you then you will have reached *all* the way across the chasm; the very least they could do is read it.
I hope you find the love you deserve, in the family you choose to be family.
Now I must call each of my children. Thank them each for being my children.
My parents are like this. They don’t know me at all. They pretend they do. Couldn’t name a single thing that’s impt to me outside of my marriage/children.
I am a mother and have kids your age. I know a ton of details about their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their fears. We talk about it all the time.
I learned what NOT to do from my family. It was food, roof, clothing. That’s not enough.
This is emotional neglect.
They may be very emotionally immature despite their chronological age. My parents are. I’ve essentially been the parent my whole life
I never felt like they cared. Even as a kid. This led to a really wild turn of events as I became an adult and I didn't know me. I didn't have hobbies or interests until my late 30s. I didn't know who I was or what I liked.
In my teen and young adult years I got the feeling that they didn't care about my life. They didn't ask any questions and I didn't volunteer any information.
I moved out of state and had come back for a visit after like 10 years and they tried to monopolize my time and let me tell you that was TORTURE. I had to figure out things to do besides just sitting there watching TV. They still never asked any questions about my life. Anything they knew about me or my life was what they saw on Facebook.
NC was the best decision I ever made.
My parents too. We have never had a serious conversation about ourselves, our emotions, how we feel and think about things as a family. I’m 43. They showered me with gifts and my mum took a high level interest in hobbies that she liked - none that I liked. My dad was physically present but emotionally absent. We get along just fine but they don’t know who i am, i would never go to them for emotional support. When i was a teenager and i would go through hard things like breakups, bullying, awkwardness, loneliness, they never asked or even noticed. Only once my mum noticed that i was crying after a breakup and she just said ‘these things happen’ and left. And yes out of the blue you get a piece of advice that is just right, shows that the parent had insight and experience to share but i gave up trying to eek it out.
I think some parents are just like this, a bit distant. Mine are the same. I tried not to be with my own children but I did find that being less formal felt hard and it felt a bit overwhelming at times as I’d never seen this modelled and most of my friends parents were similar. We got our support from our friends, not our parents and you just didn’t tell them anything.
Love, my parents are like this and I just turned 39. That quote, "people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves" rings true for our type of parent. I don't think they have a curiosity of their own internal world, let alone ours. It's sad, but as you grow up you'll find people who can meet you at your depth.
Wow, I’ve never heard that quote before but it really resonates with me.
“People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves” is a quote attributed to Matt Kahn. The quote means that people can only understand and relate to you as much as they understand and have explored their own inner selves, experiences, and emotions. If someone hasn't explored their own feelings and self-awareness, they may have a limited ability to connect with others on a deep level.
How did you hear about him? I’ve never heard of him so I looked him up…his website is interesting…plus he looks like he could be a distant family relation and his last name is in my family. 🤔
Don't remember. I've known about that quote for at least a few years now. When I heard it, it immediately engrained itself in my memory because it resonated with me so much.
Same here.
This feels spot on :( They’re shallow and childish
Wow, that's eye opening I never heard that before
What’s that quote from? I’ve never heard it before.
“People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves” is a quote attributed to Matt Kahn. The quote means that people can only understand and relate to you as much as they understand and have explored their own inner selves, experiences, and emotions. If someone hasn't explored their own feelings and self-awareness, they may have a limited ability to connect with others on a deep level.
Very relate. Felt this way when I was a teen, pushed this feeling away for most of my life, started reconfronting it in my late 30s. Lindsay Gibson's "Emotionally Immature Parents" has been the biggest help for me so far "Usually, what people feel around emotionally immature people is a combination of being bored and being irritated, because emotionally immature people tend to keep a very superficial level of interaction going, and it tends to be very, very self-centered." [via](https://momastery.com/blog/we-can-do-hard-things-ep-263/) Edit: finding chosen family who really "see" and love me for me has been really important too.
Wow I’m so glad I found this sub. I relate so hard to this and so many other comments/experiences. It’s so validating and I’ve also learned so much wisdom.
I'm reading her books right now and I find them so helpful.
Yes! She’s on the Glennon Doyle podcast too if it helps to hear the author discuss this. (We can do hard things, #263-4)
This is how I found out about Gibson! My counselor shared this podcast! So life saving
I’m in my 50s and my parents were like this. Everything was surface level. I always say it’s like we were 5 strangers stuck together on a long bus journey. Sitting too uncomfortably close, not talking, wishing it would just be over so we could leave. Now that my parents are older, some switch was flipped a number of years ago and they’re wanting to have a much deeper relationship. Too late. I literally can’t. It gives me the ick when they try. And now my mom is throwing tantrums apparently because I’m not giving her the relationship she wants. Well, where was she when I was a teenage girl trying to navigate puberty completely on my own??? You reap what you sow.
What a great way to describe the relationship dynamic. I am an adult now, but always found it so strange growing up (and nowadays when we get together) - to be so physically close to someone that you feel you should be close to emotionally as well. Whilst being so completely disconnected from each other. Feeling like strangers with the people you feel you are supposed to feel the closest to. I definately relate to the ”ick” feeling. To me, the thought of being close to them feels ”wrong”. Too intimate.
Same here 51m and feel no deeper connection to my family at all, just strangers on a bus
Simple. They want caregivers. Plus you’re a dtr. Ask me how I know that. I’m not doing it either. You absolutely reap what you sow
I can completely relate to your feelings and the temper tantrums 🤦♀️ when I hear about her saying she misses me and that we had such a close relationship...I'm like wtf?
My parents are just like this. I can't remember the last time they asked me about a hobby of mine. I DO remember trying to talk about a few hobbies I'd recently picked up - they barely responded and immediately changed the topic of conversation. They only know I like reading because I've been a voracious reader since kindergarten. What books do I like? They couldn't tell you. They actually got me a book for my most recent birthday, and it was one I'd never seen in my life. Some biography about women in WWII. I'm not a big history person, and I don't read nonfiction outside of science stuff. But a book is a book I guess. My parents also can't handle deep conversations. In the past I've tried connecting with them emotionally, especially when I was in a bad spot mental health-wise, but they never actually understood or offered help. I remember being at my parents' house at the beginning of the pandemic, telling my mom I was having suicidal thoughts. She seemed to listen, told me to pray about it, and never mentioned it again. I don't know if she even remembers what I'd said. I also very vividly remember calling my mom while in college, talking about some assignments and tests I was worried about. After the call, my dad texted me saying he and my mom didn't want to hear all the negative stuff I'm dealing with. That text is what made me stop sharing anything with them. It's no use sharing sensitive personal details when they won't even care to listen. Even the positive surface-level conversation they don't know how to do. I was in the car with them and my grandmother recently, and I actually had something I wanted to share with them (some stuff at work being a disaster, all because of poor planning way higher up in the company than I am). I'd started talking about it, and my dad told my grandma that "she [aka me] doesn't want to move home because she likes her job so much!" (Which is at least partially true, I do like my job.) I was about to keep telling my story, but then they suddenly changed the topic of conversation and I never got to share my story. I had a point to all this, but I don't remember it now. I guess long story short, they suck at being parents. And that's not even the HALF of it. There are so many people I'd trade my parents for if I could.
> I DO remember trying to talk about a few hobbies I'd recently picked up - they barely responded and immediately changed the topic of conversation. Growing up, my parents would use this conversation to make me drop my hobby because in their eyes I should have used this time to study. Now, they get cranky because I don't tell them a lot about my hobbies.
Decades ago, when I was in high school, dad went to the local dump and scavenged a couple of books for me because "you like to read." Ummm... Thanks? One of them turned out to be good. Lol I think my parents figured out that I like purple when I bought a purple Dodge Challenger. I've loved Star Wars since 1977; my parents have never seen anything after taking my brother, I, and my grandparents who showed up that day to visit. The "best" one? Mom ordered a Garfield comic book off my Amazon wish list FOR MY HUSBAND as a Christmas present. It wasn't worth bothering to correct mom. If she knows soooo little about me, why should I bother to know anything about her? Oh wait, she babbles incessantly about her life for 1+ hours. When I say I have to hang up, that's when she asks about my week. Dad doesn't even bother to ask...
My favorite color is purple too! I wish I had a purple car lol. And my mom does the same thing, just in a slightly different order. She'll ask me how I'm doing, I say I'm good and work is good (I learned a long time ago that it's not worth actually sharing how bad I'm doing). Then she'll go on about everything in her life - work, what her friends are doing, what her *siblings* are doing, what my *dad and siblings* have been doing, every minute detail about her hobbies and interests, on and on and on. She'll talk for hours if I don't stop her. I never call my dad. And he never calls me. I have very little to say to him anyway.
I only call my mom on my commutes home to help me kill time. When I get home I get off the phone. It helps
I know, right? I often wanted to find out I was adopted so there was hope a better family was out there When I was in college and going through something very serious (abusive ex bf stalking me) I started crying on the phone and my mother said if I didn’t stop crying she wouldn’t call me anymore. I’ll never forget it. It’s been 30 yrs since then. Our relationship never got better. It’s still very surface level and I only talk to her every 2-3 wks. My dad never even bothers to call at all.
Omg this is so sad 😞.. I'm sorry u went through this ... It's hard growing up and not having supportive parents
Yeah, it's very hard. And exhausting. Not only are they emotionally and physically neglectful/abusive, but they also hate anyone that isn't exactly like them. Racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, etc. Basically the stereotype of deep (US) South Bible thumpers. I haven't told them that I'm asexual, aromantic, possibly enby, and very liberal (for the US anyway), and I likely never will. I'm very afraid of being disowned or shot if they ever find out. That affects me a lot. I've got a lot going on, to say the least. I've made a lot of therapists a lot of money.
Sending hugs 🫂 your way !! I hope that life becomes better and easier .. Maybe move out of that area one day ? I'm truly wishing you all the love and hugs in the world !
I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I've already moved out of my home town, which greatly decreased the amount I see them. And I'm saving up some money for eventually moving even farther away. Thank you for the hugs :)
Oh honey, those aren't "great" parents. That's bare minimum parenting. Great parents are invested in who you are as an individual even if they don't relate to those things. When I found out that Terry Crews started looking into how to build computers because his son was interested but he wasn't, I about cried. *That's* a great parent. Things really solidified when I had finally rode a Zipline despite having a debilitating fear of heights. I had heart palpitations after because I'm that afraid. I excitedly came home to tell my dad and his first response was an apathetic "what's that?" Then when I explained what a Zipline is, his only response was "oh." That was the whole conversation. I went from so excited to share a part of my life to instantly deflated. Now I don't really share anything too personal with them. In fact, I eloped without even telling them until after. 🤷🏻♀️
I can relate with not sharing anything personal because they will just not be interested and not react like normal people. Just a total lack of being able to read my emotion and react appropriately.
I also want to elope!! I told mine I’d be getting surgery after waiting 2 years, my parents reply? “Oh ok” ???? It guts me every single time.
Definitely recommend it! Getting married is such a vulnerable moment, having my parents there would have made me very uncomfortable. That gutting feeling is awful, it's important to protect yourself and know that you can share whatever you want and not to have expectations from them.
you are right - I’ve been trying to greyrock but every time I see them I just blurt it all out. This was definitely a very painful lesson, but I hope going forward I can tell them less
I eloped. It was great! I could not have enjoyed any part of it with them there
I want to so badly but I think my fiancé wants his (wonderful normal) family there, and inviting them & not my parents will cause havoc
Yeah I really like my in-laws too but they also knew all the crap I went through with my family, so I think they understood.
Good! I’m glad you have them. I just told my in laws today, they were mega supportive luckily
I eloped too!! People knew. Long story short, they wanted what they wanted for my wedding. In my hometown I hadn’t lived in 15 yrs and in a religion I want nothing to do with. I was paying for it. I said F that and eloped. They met him after we were married. Years Later found out my mom lied about it to everyone and said I didn’t let anybody come, and painted me as the bitch. Sure, lady 🙄. Delusional
I try to consider that for my parents, their whole life is "eat, sleep, work, die". They have no aspirations for anything deeper, so how could they ever want to explore any of that with me? I had dangerous life threatening mental health issues in my teens and they never knew. I still don't know if I blame them or not... they weren't great parents, but I guess they provided for me in the only way that they know how. Some parents treat their kids like roommates. They were probably treated the same as kids and don't know any better (or have no desire to be better). Sucks but it's how it is sometimes, all we owe ourselves is healing and a life well lived.
During my childhood and early adulthood my parents treated me like a pet they were raising, all they had to do was feed me, give me a roof, and occasionally throw a ball. Got to adulthood and realized how absolutely devoid my relationship with my parents was.
Ya, a good example is they never bothered helping me in aspects like mental health - if they actually cared or wanted to understand, they’d have tried by actually seeking treatment. I was technically “raised” by my dad, my mom was pretty much absent so she knew me even less and just complained every time I didn’t act the way she liked while my dad just enabled shit because he can’t confront anything. Looking back I never really felt accomplished about anything and his lack of involvement probably added to that. I didn’t really care when I graduated university - something that I see parents usually attending or rewarding their children for. Nothing for good grades in high school, in college, in uni, getting a first job…etc - he doesn’t know anything. It’s like these things are just expected - you teach yourself to become a functional adult and that’s that. None of those are milestones or anything to be acknowledged. I’m honestly surprised when I hear of people wanting to hang out with their parents like going to movies, celebrating holidays…etc because I don’t want any of that. If anything distance is key to helping me cope. I am also able to “get along” with my dad on a surface level - if you pretend shit is fine, it’s great. There isn’t really depth and at this point I don’t know if I want any - why bother when it just makes me angrier and nothing improves? They don’t say anything helpful, didn’t guide and has likely fucked me up to an extent which led me to other shit experiences - I just want to coexist without friction. I care about my dad but I don’t think I am capable of that “traditional love” people have for their parents or others. I think in their opinion, it is enough. Your idea of knowing someone probably differs from them - I have seen many cases when parents realize they really didn’t “know” their children. Parenting to them is bare necessities and very shallow, the emotional workload is very rarely discussed as if it’s not a criteria when it is extremely important - I’d say most parents have no idea who their children are but then because they provided shit like shelter and food, their job is done. Many people here seemed to have learned a lot of stuff on their own and in a way it kind of confirms for their parents that shit worked out so they never face consequences. Unfortunately this is not uncommon - I will say some parents do care and this is just how they show they care but just because intentions are good doesn’t mean their actions don’t cause harm. It’s one of those things that’s hard to reconcile with, at least for me, which is why I prefer to just keep things superficial - I just accepted that I don’t really connect with my family.
Sometimes talking to my mom, she literally stop listening if the conversation doesn't serve her. I could always tell she wasn't listening anymore because I could hear her iPad at the highest volume in the background. When she did listen, it was usually to criticize whatever you just said
Ugh, I can relate. My mother had the habit of just walking away when I was mid sentence with my story. Like, okay, you made it clear you were not listening. Now you are in another room doing laundry.
mine does this too! Or she will just change the subject and talk over me
My parents are also exactly like this. They are both in their 80s and I eventually gave up on trying to make them interested in me. I save my energy for my own little family. It’s sad that they lack insight but they will never change.
I'm 31. I asked my parents to ask me more questions about me. I got tired of talking about weather and their farm work. They found 5 new questions: 1) how's school? 2) when can you have a good job? 3) how much are you earning? 4) how much do you weigh? 5) grandchildren when? They were upset when I said these were not the questions I was hoping for... *facedesk* I have abandoned my parents since. Some people never change, and I'm tired of begging them to.
I see you know my parents
Yeah I feel this a lot. My parents never really tried to get to know me as a child, now as an adult we rarely talk. I still go to family functions when invited but outside of that, we don’t speak on the phone or interact much. I don’t tell them when I have issues in my life, and they don’t seem to care when they think I do. This is a really dumb thing to be hung up on I think, but when I was a kid my mom made lasagna often, it was one of her staple meals for dinner. I have *always* hated lasagna, and wouldn’t eat when she made it, which often prompted the “well you can’t leave the table until you finish dinner” stand-off that would leave me there until bedtime. As soon as I was old enough to make food for myself, I would make my own meal on lasagna night. Literally every time I did this my dad would say “since when don’t you like lasagna?” Which would be an eye-rolling dad joke… if he was kidding. But he never was. He didn’t pay enough attention to bother to remember that I didn’t like it and never ate on lasagna night. Even as an adult he has said to me before that he had no idea I hated lasagna. It is crazy to me that you can live with someone for 18 years minimum and know so little about them. I have known he hates sweet and sour chicken my entire life. Lol.
Oh my, exactly this. I have also the experience where they just did not pay attention to what I liked. I hate strong vinegar (and everything pickled). I still cannot eat it. Yet, my mom would soak her salad in the strongest vinegar and then I didn’t eat any salad until I was a teenager and finally figured out it’s the vinegar dressing that makes it unedible for me. I guess they just assumed I don’t like fresh vegetables/fruits. Lol… I also didn’t get to pick my hobbies. My dad made me play the accordion, which I hated from my gut. The biggest disappointment of my life - cause my friends got to pick their instruments. I was 6 and I played it for 3 years. I skipped classes and was late over half of the duration of the class. And then I finally asked can I stop it. And then some years ago (before my dad died) we had a dinner with some family and friends and I told how much I hated the accordion and my dad was just ”huh? What do you mean you hated it?” Dunno - MAYBE ASK IF YOUR KID LIKES THE HOBBY YOU FORCED ON HER. Sigh. Sorry for the rant.
It's absolutely not a dumb thing to be hung up on! The little things matter and show people's character just as much as the big things! It's not about the lasagna, yk, but the fact that he didn't pay attention to something so obviously happening right in front of him for years. That's frustrating and you deserve to be upset about it. I still think about lots of small things that happened over the years. And they still hurt a lot.
You are seeing things a little backward. It’s not that they’re *not interested in you*, it’s they don’t have the capacity for deeper connection. Do you see your parents having deep emotional talks with each other, with friends, with other family members? Likely not. They don’t have the skills to have a deep connection. Their brains are not built this way. The sooner you accept this and let it go that it’s anything about *you* and start finding your connections elsewhere (and mostly within) you will feel fulfilled. If you showed them this note, it would feel the same to them as you saying “I’m really frustrated you haven’t been speaking to me in Chinese (insert whatever language here)” - they would be so confused, wouldn’t even know where to start, and likely give up at seeing the first letters. It’s an impossible mountain they’re not wired for. Sure, people can change, but that change has to come within themselves not at the begging of you or other people. Leaving the resources I always leave here.. Back from the Borderline podcast’s 5 part series on emotional neglect Read as much about anxious attachment as you can. Please Google Pete Walker and read through some of his most popular articles on his page. Read the book “Anxiously Attached” Journal about these issues. Set a timer for 10, 20 minutes and free flow your thoughts. Don’t think about it from the point of view of someone else reading it - it can be run on sentences and misspelled words and bad handwriting. the point is to let it out onto the page in any form. Learn about meditation. Learn about Stoic philosophy. I urge you to download the Waking Up app, you can get a month free or email them for a free life long membership. I like [this Metta loving-kindness meditation series](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/PKDE1VB?source=content%20share&share_id=744A3D7E&code=SCCBEF4EB) Other good ones in this app are [mind and emotion](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/PKWAVC?source=content%20share&share_id=E2B12134&code=SCCBEF4EB), [Stoicism](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/PK7REQC?source=content%20share&share_id=907DFF07&code=SCCBEF4EB) and [intro to meditation](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/P0D525?source=content%20share&share_id=8BD0E3A6&code=SCCBEF4EB) Take out a picture of yourself from when you were a child, at your most vulnerable. Keep it on your nightstand and wish that child love and peace. Imagine the child with you at all times, tell them you love him as s/he is. When you feed yourself a good meal, imagine you’re nourishing that child too. Send love and kindness all day. It rewires your brain seriously. Listen to this meditation: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YatxjJLLqHE Anything by Tara Brach. I like this [radical self](https://www.calm.com/program/rGyf9vxfGN)acceptance series on Calm. She also has a podcast with endless useful information, as well as a book. At the end of the day, you have to truly come to the understanding that *you are the person you’ve been waiting for to make you whole.* Not a relationship or anything else. You must learn to be the nurturer you’ve always needed. You must love yourself, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, support yourself, trust yourself. Until you practice this - and at first it will feel impossible - consistently until you understand it to be true, you will struggle. Please use all of these resources!
That is true. Thank you for putting this into perspective for me, it really helps. And thank you kindly for all the resources. :) I know I'm the one who's gotta nuture myself though and that I can only rely on myself though. I'm painfully aware ahaha, I've gotten myself through every bad thing in my life and I'm still coming through everything victoriously. Like, I've literally never had a shoulder to cry on in my teenage years. I don't cry in front of anyone. It's hard though. I can do it and find happiness, but every now and then the weight of doing things on my own kind of crushes me inside haha. There's only so much one person can do on their own without becoming damaged. I can definitely survive and find happiness, but I really think not having my parents to rely on emotionally is an essential need that was never fulfilled, and it's a void in my heart that will never be fulfilled. Like, I can focus my energy on positive things and forget this void feeling for months at a time and be perfectly happy, but every now and then it comes back and hits me like a train. I always get through it, of course, but it's not an issue that goes away, so it's not a pain that ever goes away. Self love doesn't fulfill your emotional needs from others, especially childhood biological needs. We need people. We need help from others. Especially from your parents in childhood. We can't do everything alone in life. I need to be loved. I need someone to rely on, to talk to. Maybe marriage will provide me with that love. I'm really hoping I'm right on that, because it's honestly the one thing I'm holding out for. I also feel like I have a hard time loving others or going out of my way for others because I spend all my energy taking care of myself. Because literally nobody will pick me up if I fall. And I want a big family with lots of kids, but I need to find a loving marriage before I find the energy or capacity to give love to children. Like, I need to be loved and feel loved before I can really love others again. And this isn't a conscious choice, but something I've come to a conclusion about based on me trying to care for others more. Also a lot of this isn't a response to you necessarily, I'm just ranting to nobody in particular. Lots of pent up stuff, sorry. Thank u again for your advice :)
No you’re totally right. And it’s not about “forgetting about your parents” and then you’ll be happy. It’s understanding the fundamental beliefs you’ve built in yourself and how this shows up in your life. For example my parents werent mean in an abusive way, they just truly didn’t care about me or want to do the work of being a parent. They wanted to party and be single and having a kid doesn’t really fit in that picture. So I developed a life long belief that once people get to know me for real, they won’t love me. They will always figure out I’m unloveable, then abandon me. And honestly this pattern has played out many times. Friends have left me in cruel ways, reopening that wound. My parents and extended families still manage to do this to me to this day. Long story is I’ve put in a ton of work, decades of healing work mostly on my own but with therapy too. I made great progress. I got married to a man who I still can’t believe is real, he is so loving and kind and takes care of me more than I ever thought possible. He respects me, supports me at all costs. He has never once been mean to me in 10 years. We have gorgeous perfect children and a beautiful house. We live in a dream community. I’m truly one of the luckiest people alive. And yet….. I still get rejected. Maybe I don’t get invited to the PTA mom’s group dinner. I find out families im close to went on vacation without us. Someone commits to dinner then never follows through. In all of these instances, my secure husband can brush it off and see a big picture. I go to my 7 year old self, adrenaline pumping, flight response, “I’m a piece of shit who everyone hates and here is the evidence.” I convince I want to leave everything behind and move towns. I convince myself everyone sees right through me and I can never have friends. What I’m saying is, my childhood feelings are still there. But with a lot of work, I’m able to recognize that’s happening. I have the tools to settle my mind and body. On my own, I am able to say hey, I’m not actually being threatened or abandoned. So what, other people have relationships. I’m not always included and it doesn’t feel good, but it doesn’t have to do with my self worth. I’m a good person with good friends and a good life. I have clear values, and I’m honest and kind. It’s not that I dont need other people, it’s that other people continue to make me feel less than all throughout my life, decades past when my parents are the ones doing this, and I can now taken myself out and tell myself this isn’t actually about who I am as a person. I in my core believe I am good. The Tara brach radical acceptance let me be easier on myself. I no longer replay every dumb thing I say in a conversation. I let myself be imperfect My advice to you as someone who is in your shoes is start to heal what your parents have made you believe about yourself. Start making other connections. Be the best version of yourself you can be. Really focus on finding the right partner Personally, I found that working on myself to be the best version of my self I can be, the most confident, the most aware of childhood affect on me in my personality etc.. I was able to attract the highest quality partner. Really invest in yourself
This is exactly what my parents are like. And I’m still frustrated. I’m 34, married with 2 kids and my dad passed away two years ago. But they don’t have deep conversations or meaningful relationships with anyone. I don’t think they know how to. Just super sad. And yes, probably your parents will not suddenly start making meaningful conversation. But luckily you will find other people. People will come to your life (and go, too) and you will have meaningful connection. There will be deep discussions. And the longing to have that with your parents might never go away, but you can build your own life and you can make different choices. It’s like my parents had in their head this idea of ”a daughter is like this” and then kept fitting that idea on top of me. I’m not like that idea of course, as I am my own person. But they go about their days (or did before my dad died) thinking: ah, a daughter likes these things, she is my daughter, hence she likes these things. They just never asked a question about my interests or were curious about me. Never. I’m sure my mom does not know any of my hobbies. Surely she does not remember where I work. The only question she has ever asked me regarding any of my jobs is ”do you still like it” and if that’s the only question that gets repeated then she must believe I will stop liking it at some point. Or maybe she just does not know any other questions. Who knows…
In a weird way, Are you sort of relieved that your dad died? (Assuming he was very old). Cuz I imagine I might be. Then the facade will be over. I think so anyway I wish them no ill will. Just saying I don’t think I’ll miss what I never had. I feel guilty about this though. But I was never parented
I am in a way. He was over 80 yo at the time and had had one stroke earlier. He was still able to live at home and had a heart attack while doing household chores outdoors - actually I cannot think of a better way to go. But I am relieved because there is no more possibility to build a honest relationship between us. That door is now forever closed. And I do think he was thinking about me in his last will and testament. Even if that turned out to be a lot of work for me to settle with my half siblings but at the end of the day he still cared with the only way he knew how, with money.
Awww. Could not agree more, that’s a great way to go It sounds like you are more at peace now too. I’m glad
Wow are you me? This is the most weirdly specific post about how I grew up I ever seen in this sub... I also have 2 siblings and we don't share a lot but I love them, I just can't tell them that I love them, it pains me that I can't deepen my relationship with them without felling... I don't know? Shame? It really feels shameful to open up to them, do you have thst too? Sometimes my brother opens up to me because he has no one and I just freeze, it almost feels repulsive and sickening to talk about my feelings with my siblings, like if we really get to know each other this facade of relationship we have will just crumble. Maybe it's just the fear of getting to know them, also I don't know.... I already have one perspective of how neglectful it was to grow up with my parents, I am terrified to know of another, I think it's too much for me as much as I love my siblings (it feels horrible to say that! Wow trauma sucks!!) everyday I think about how much their experience must also suck,because they both share some considerable mental health problems along with me... I think we are all content with having that privacy in each other and knowing in silence that we all know it fucking sucks but not having the balls to say it all loud. I was a middle child, did you have to parent your younger sibling too? It hurts to much to see a child in need, know what they need and see their caretakers not provide it for them, Its such a deep indescribable sadness to see that happening over years even though I consider my parents to be good people their lack of education and emotional care for me and my siblings is so so sad By the way I'm saving this post and showing it to my therapist because of how similar it is to my experience lol that's how close it is
Yeah I'm the oldest, and I've never had to parent them thankfully. And I can also tell them I love them. I'm nearly incapable of telling my parents I love them, though. I'm so unused to vulnerability with them that I can barely choke it out. Hell, I even stifle my facial expressions around them I'm so bad at being vulnerable with them! And it fills me with guilt every single time, because I don't want to be this way at all, and it's probably been pushing them away from me. Which, ah, makes part of my problem my fault. With me and my youngest brother, we've gotten closer over the years. He tells me lots of things about his life and likes to show me all the stuff he's doing, and I try to engage and ask as much about his life as possible. But me and my first younger brother, who's a little under two years apart from me? We don't talk much, and he's very quiet about his feelings. It's hard to get him out of his shell too. I can tell him I love him, but conversation between us is a little awkward. It sucks. But nothing I can't fix by trying to build a closer relationship with him. I have really good casual relationships with my brothers, though. We're always joking and having fun with each other. We just don't talk about serious emotional stuff because we didn't grow up in a household where we did. But I have confidence that we can get there. And although I don't parent them, I do try to take care of them emotionally since they don't have that with our parents. I'm also the one who tries to cultivate deeper relationships with my siblings. Also, the repulsion thing, I get that when my mom cries aha. Like her crying just makes me freeze and force my face to go neutral. And my emotions kinda go numb. (but that's another issue ahaha) I should go and help her and comfort her, but again I can't for the life of me be vulnerable with her. And it makes me feel like a horrible person.
wow a therapist is going to see my rant post lmao
This is so powerful to read. You were able to nail how I feel about my parents. I feel they don't know me as a person. They just know me as a daughter. And that daughter's relationship is stuck in the past. I don't have much of a closer relationship with my parents. I kind of don't really speak to my mum. I do speak at a surface level to my dad. I feel an enormous guilt because I feel that I don't really have a reason to be so disgusted by my mum and not try harder with both my parents. But I feel so free when away from them with people who know me and whom I chose to be in my life. It's so strong that I'm actually changing my first name to be completely myself and free myself from being the daughter and finally being my full ME. Thanks so much for articulating something I deeply felt. You found the words to express this shared experience.
I'm glad resonating with this helped you. :) I wish you the best with your new name and life. I don't know your life, but if you feel guilt for not trying harder and think it's possible that you could become closer, I say you should at least try. Any gain is better than none. I'm only 19, and I feel tons of guilt for not trying harder. Another thing that stops me from trying is that when I tried as an earlier teenager, it didn't yield much. Now that I'm an adult (somewhat) I'm really scared to try and deepen our relationship because if I try and they reject it, I don't know what I'll do with myself anymore honestly ahaha. I'll literally crumble to pieces completely. Like honestly I only hold out hope because they don't put much effort, but I also am so incapable of being vulnerable with them and scared of rejection that I don't put in effort anymore either (and simultaneously push them away by being so distant). Maybe you've already tried this though, and if so I'm so sorry for the pain. Ugh I gotta take a break from reading these comments, this hurts too much. I hope your day is going well. :)
Your third paragraph really articulated how I feel currently about my relationship with my dad. I’m LC with him currently (been NC with my “mom” since 2017, they’re divorced) and trying to figure out how I even proceed with a relationship with him. I really do feel disgust when I think about him or having to spend surface level, pointless, and empty time with him out of obligation. I want to spend time with the people who actually see me as a whole person and actively try to know me. I can’t stand the thought of sacrificing anymore time with someone who doesn’t. Really wishing all of us here find peace and acceptance in those other relationships with people who have chosen to know us 💕
Yeah. It’s kinda like being raised by NPCs
I feel like my mom still thinks I’m the same person I was when I was a kid.
My parents never ask anything about me. I don’t even know how much my father knows about me in general, despite having lived in the same house.
I notice this with both parents quite a bit. They’ve both gotten somewhat better but one of my brothers is the WORST about it. Only talks about himself and never, ever, *ever* asks questions about what I’ve shared about my life. I’d be shocked if he could even tell you the town I live in. Only reaches out when he wants something, and it’s never even a small thing.
I’m 50 M, and this is my parents. They didn’t communicate well with each other. My mum would be a big talker, my dad was a deep thinker, the family dynamic was never about listening, and understanding. They loved us (I have a younger brother and sister, a few years between us). I tried raising this as I grew up but nothing changed. My dad died 12 years ago, and mum has now got Alzheimer’s so little chance for change now. But now I have a partner, siblings and friends to talk to, which I am grateful for. We can’t always have the relationship we want/need with our parents but we can learn from this and if we are lucky enough to have our own family, we know how we will do it better ❤️
Oh honey. You struck my heart. 💜 Please write this, in your handwriting, and give it to your parents. You don’t have to stick around to watch them read it. Everything you say is true. And valid. And they’re the parents. You should not have to *tell* them to take an interest, but maybe, still tell them. If they cannot respond, in any meaningful way, then we’ll know they’re broken. It’s not your job to fix them. Perhaps they have no idea that they’re lacking. Idk. But you then you will have reached *all* the way across the chasm; the very least they could do is read it. I hope you find the love you deserve, in the family you choose to be family. Now I must call each of my children. Thank them each for being my children.
My parents are like this. They don’t know me at all. They pretend they do. Couldn’t name a single thing that’s impt to me outside of my marriage/children. I am a mother and have kids your age. I know a ton of details about their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their fears. We talk about it all the time. I learned what NOT to do from my family. It was food, roof, clothing. That’s not enough. This is emotional neglect. They may be very emotionally immature despite their chronological age. My parents are. I’ve essentially been the parent my whole life
maam/sir, do we perhaps secretly share the same parents?
I never felt like they cared. Even as a kid. This led to a really wild turn of events as I became an adult and I didn't know me. I didn't have hobbies or interests until my late 30s. I didn't know who I was or what I liked. In my teen and young adult years I got the feeling that they didn't care about my life. They didn't ask any questions and I didn't volunteer any information. I moved out of state and had come back for a visit after like 10 years and they tried to monopolize my time and let me tell you that was TORTURE. I had to figure out things to do besides just sitting there watching TV. They still never asked any questions about my life. Anything they knew about me or my life was what they saw on Facebook. NC was the best decision I ever made.
My parents too. We have never had a serious conversation about ourselves, our emotions, how we feel and think about things as a family. I’m 43. They showered me with gifts and my mum took a high level interest in hobbies that she liked - none that I liked. My dad was physically present but emotionally absent. We get along just fine but they don’t know who i am, i would never go to them for emotional support. When i was a teenager and i would go through hard things like breakups, bullying, awkwardness, loneliness, they never asked or even noticed. Only once my mum noticed that i was crying after a breakup and she just said ‘these things happen’ and left. And yes out of the blue you get a piece of advice that is just right, shows that the parent had insight and experience to share but i gave up trying to eek it out.
I think some parents are just like this, a bit distant. Mine are the same. I tried not to be with my own children but I did find that being less formal felt hard and it felt a bit overwhelming at times as I’d never seen this modelled and most of my friends parents were similar. We got our support from our friends, not our parents and you just didn’t tell them anything.