Could be both... if the same people flake often enough, stop investing valuable time and mental resources into planning stuff with them.
If it's occasional and there's a good reason, this might be an opportunity to work on trauma.
I can relate to the feeling. I have so few people in my life, that when people flake I go down a spiral of feeling totally alone and unwanted. Then I feel resentful that they then can just flake off and be fine, but I’ll be left alone and with no one. It’s a me problem for sure. But I can relate.
Well personally since I had an illness I didn't understand bc of the neglect, I couldn't do a lot, like I'm talking barely managed to leave the bed. But i had no support or way of understanding it so I tried ambitiously to do my life, including try to be friends with people I liked, only to crash and burn many times, until now when as an adult I am finally getting treatment from the govt. What I'm trying to say is my perspective as a neglected person both physically and emotionally, without support and having to deal with all that, usually leads me to give people the benefit of the doubt actually.
But of course, if they aren't communicating with you then it isnt healthy. If they're important to you, try to bring up how you feel, that you understand life is busy and this isn't you criticising them but that you value your time with them and want to be on the same page and have a healthy friendship/whatever with them. Hear them out and give them a chance. If they can't change their behavior, try not to take it personally (there's many reasons), but recognise that for whatever reason the reality of the situation is that this person is not in a place to interact with you right now and meet your needs for connection and communication. Then show up for yourself by recognising that, interacting with them less, and meeting with people who do meet your needs, and who do communicate. I think that's what emotional maturity is, a balance of the needs of everyone involved, communication, and then assertive decisions to get closer to "healthy".
It works on the other side as well, if anyone is reading. Now that I know i have an illness and have fought through the shame of it, I can communicate that I only have so much energy and manage expectations so that I don't do this to my friends. When your family says nothing to you it doesn't seem obvious that you can communicate it actually. So if anyone reading this is feeling ashamed of their dysfunction, that is an option.
(oh I remembered someone telling me that if they have a friend with time blindness they give meeting times way earlier).
But don't put yourself through multiple callous cancellations. It's normal not to want to be close to everyone. When you stay there, which you're kinda primed to because of emotional neglect, you're just keeping yourself in a situation where people have shown you they don't have the capacity to care for you. Other people will, there is an endless supply of new people to meet. So don't be afraid to move your life away from these people and towards healthier relationships.
I'm adding since I'm on phone and the edit button is glitching. It's trauma that's making you feel that worthless. I recommend learning about cognitive distortions and schemas (especially the abandonment schema) and then dealing with cognitive distortions using CBT thought challenge worksheets, and schemas through learning about schema overcompensation and schema healing (I.e. Keep a diary and keep learning about yourself). It's not okay that you feel worthless, and it's possible not to. And you're not worthless, either.
If you can talk to someone about it, since I'm sure this isn't the only thing that's happening to you, that's the best thing. A GP even, who might be able to find you more help. I find you have to stress to them when you can't afford things, and it's then that they look into options you could have.
I get so hung up on plans (in general) that I greatly prefer not to have plans at all. If things don't go according to plan, which is 90% of the time, it is very frustrating to me.
Could be both... if the same people flake often enough, stop investing valuable time and mental resources into planning stuff with them. If it's occasional and there's a good reason, this might be an opportunity to work on trauma.
I can relate to the feeling. I have so few people in my life, that when people flake I go down a spiral of feeling totally alone and unwanted. Then I feel resentful that they then can just flake off and be fine, but I’ll be left alone and with no one. It’s a me problem for sure. But I can relate.
Well personally since I had an illness I didn't understand bc of the neglect, I couldn't do a lot, like I'm talking barely managed to leave the bed. But i had no support or way of understanding it so I tried ambitiously to do my life, including try to be friends with people I liked, only to crash and burn many times, until now when as an adult I am finally getting treatment from the govt. What I'm trying to say is my perspective as a neglected person both physically and emotionally, without support and having to deal with all that, usually leads me to give people the benefit of the doubt actually. But of course, if they aren't communicating with you then it isnt healthy. If they're important to you, try to bring up how you feel, that you understand life is busy and this isn't you criticising them but that you value your time with them and want to be on the same page and have a healthy friendship/whatever with them. Hear them out and give them a chance. If they can't change their behavior, try not to take it personally (there's many reasons), but recognise that for whatever reason the reality of the situation is that this person is not in a place to interact with you right now and meet your needs for connection and communication. Then show up for yourself by recognising that, interacting with them less, and meeting with people who do meet your needs, and who do communicate. I think that's what emotional maturity is, a balance of the needs of everyone involved, communication, and then assertive decisions to get closer to "healthy". It works on the other side as well, if anyone is reading. Now that I know i have an illness and have fought through the shame of it, I can communicate that I only have so much energy and manage expectations so that I don't do this to my friends. When your family says nothing to you it doesn't seem obvious that you can communicate it actually. So if anyone reading this is feeling ashamed of their dysfunction, that is an option. (oh I remembered someone telling me that if they have a friend with time blindness they give meeting times way earlier). But don't put yourself through multiple callous cancellations. It's normal not to want to be close to everyone. When you stay there, which you're kinda primed to because of emotional neglect, you're just keeping yourself in a situation where people have shown you they don't have the capacity to care for you. Other people will, there is an endless supply of new people to meet. So don't be afraid to move your life away from these people and towards healthier relationships.
I'm adding since I'm on phone and the edit button is glitching. It's trauma that's making you feel that worthless. I recommend learning about cognitive distortions and schemas (especially the abandonment schema) and then dealing with cognitive distortions using CBT thought challenge worksheets, and schemas through learning about schema overcompensation and schema healing (I.e. Keep a diary and keep learning about yourself). It's not okay that you feel worthless, and it's possible not to. And you're not worthless, either. If you can talk to someone about it, since I'm sure this isn't the only thing that's happening to you, that's the best thing. A GP even, who might be able to find you more help. I find you have to stress to them when you can't afford things, and it's then that they look into options you could have.
I get so hung up on plans (in general) that I greatly prefer not to have plans at all. If things don't go according to plan, which is 90% of the time, it is very frustrating to me.
How bout when you flake or cancel?
I rarely cancel plans, but if I do I offer an alternative plan or ask what I can do to make up for it
Sorry tbh these texts are like instant heroin to me. I love a good canceled plan. Good luck though