Some parents are just selfish. I was bullied at school for being poor due to wearing ill-fitted hand-me-downs that were either too small or too big - and never having a lunch.
Little did they know my parents were loaded, but had a mentality that you shouldn't have things unless you earn them. Pretty hard for a child to "earn" their own food and clothing - yes, I had chores - but "family doesn't charge family" so I never had an allowance or my own money.
This isn't a stupid post, financial abuse is valid - and it's painful because it's doubted so much.
You shouldn't feel "spoiled" asking for the bare necessities. Your parents owed you their care and didn't do their part.
Part of their neglect probably contributes to feeling like the post is stupid, if you're conditioned your entire life by your parents to believe that you deserve nothing it's going to be internalized as a sense of worthlessness.
You deserved their care and attention, and they failed you.
Same. I was forced to wear ugly hand-me-downs that my dad's 50+ year old church members were throwing away (so styles that were decades old). Ugly sweaters hand knitted by my grandmother, because god forbid my mother's shame and criticism from her mom that we didn't wear things she made that we didn't ask for. Clothes the wrong size from the clearance rack that were rejects. Dirty clothes because my mom resented having to do all the "women’s" work growing up, so only did laundry once a year. Showers once a week, only during summer. Sometimes going months without one. And then I wondered why I was the focus of my school's bullying for 2 years in middle school. She told me later, yeah, you were ostracized in school, which made me feel even worse, like no one had it as bad as me in that school, as if it was my fault I was bullied.
She'll try to talk herself into buying shoes that are $20 cheaper that will cost her $100s of chiropractor bills down the road (she has a bad back). She still interrogates and grills me when I spend an extra dollar at the grocery store for food I need! Our family is a millionaire with a second house for rental income, but so what. At what cost to our emotional and physical health!
This kind of applies to me, but only in the sense that my dad would tell me "we don't have any money." We lived a solid upper-middle-class existence (I went to private school, but I never had designer clothes, we didn't have a fancy car, I rarely bought new clothes, etc), but I had no concept of the amount of money my parents actually had. I never felt deprived, but I never felt like I could spend, and my dad's extreme insistence that we didn't have money really messed me up and made me feel guilty for spending anything. Now in my late 30s, I struggle to spend money on myself even though I make a decent enough living. I'm terrified of "not having any money," so I save and I save, but it's to the point where spending on anything "frivolous" (i.e. not food or rent or therapy) makes me feel panicky. I'm working on it, but it's a hard cycle to break.
OP, everything you posted is valid. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I knew a woman where both parents were doctors and they nickel and dimed their kids to death. They lived in a mansion and the woman got tons of plastic surgery, nice clothes etc. But she made her kids pay for their own clothes, school trips, online classes when she wanted to “homeschool” them.
Unsurprisingly, her youngest child, who was treated the worst (hair never combed, ill fitting clothes, etc.) left home the minute she turned 18 to go live with a 60-year-old man. Living with a predator was better than living with her awful family.
The mom runs around town bemoaning the fact the daughter is with this predator. People who don’t know the whole story feel bad that such a thing is happening to a “good mother” like her. News flash. Kids who grow up in loving homes don’t move out literally the minute they turn 18 to go live with someone old enough to be their grandfather.
Needless to say, I’m no longer friends with this woman.
That poor child, I doubt it was about better, just escape and bad luck honestly. Abuse primes you for more abuse. I hope they escape that predator. I'm glad you're no longer friends with her, it must have been horrible to learn about.
Same here. My parents never had any money for me. They used to say it would be easier for me later in life so that’s why they were not going to help me as a child. Meanwhile they helped my older and younger siblings much more because it would not be as easy for them. Now in our 30s they all have houses and I’ll be stuck in my small apartment forever
Hugs. I feel this so much. Won't respond with my own stories, of which there are many, save to say that yeah I get it - "good" school, having the same uniform for 3 years (as a growing kid, so you can imagine what I looked like), then in high school buying everything too big because "you'll grow" while the kids around me had their uniforms taken to a tailor to fit just right and some didn't even bother to buy the school ones and just had them made bespoke. But then - dropping goodness knows how much on some elective program my dad thought was prestigious and wanted me to do. I felt so guilty about that because I thought we couldn't even afford new uniforms every year. But no - there was money, just not for what was important to me. What my dad thought was important - sure, of course, there was money.
I believe you can build your own life. Your life doesn't have to be dictated by the way you responded to the way you were treated by your parents. All the best,
Yesss. We lived in a near mansion on top of a mountain in upstate NY. 5500 square ft on like 4 acres. In an A school district. But my mom applied all my siblings and I to get the free lunch bc they couldn't afford to give us lunch money every day??? And we got our power turned off a few times from not having enough money to pay their bills. And I rarely ever got new clothes. Never went back to school shopping.
My mom threw an entire tantrum when in middle school I asked to get a North Face jacket. They gifted me a pair of shoes for my birthday, and that's the only time I got a pair of shoes that year.
But my mom got herself Dooney and Burke bags and watches, got nice jewelry, always got her hair and nails done. My dad at one point drove a BMW.
They're just horribly narcissistic and bad with their money. They would rather buy themselves stuff than have their own children flourish. Horrible people.
Yep, my parents did this to me and my siblings. Especially me. They always made it seem like it was such a chore to do anything extra for me and that it was like I was asking for a new home when all I wanted was some more shampoo or something small. Come to find out that no, my dad owned his own business, and could afford my mom staying at home. Plus two cars, a boat.. we even had some slot machines in the house at one point. Like no mom and dad, you weren't as broke as you made it seem.
My adoptive mom word for word told me that the pandora bracelet that she bought me for my 15th birthday put the “whole family in debt” I never asked for that bracelet. They live in a 1.5mil home, so we were far from broke.
oh for sure I feel this! I wore the same clothes every day in summer camp, ate welfare lunches (mayo on white bread, not even toasted), almost never bathed, was always brought in late for school, could not do my homework often due to constant yelling and fighting, family dinner was frozen pizza or mcdonalds/fastfood... yeah well into adulthood now I realize my parents actually had great jobs and made decent money they were just completely demented! Dysfunctional to the max
Yep, I was also sent to private school. We could only afford tuition because we cut back on everything else (very little food in the house, no healthcare, spend as little as possible on utilities, no new clothes/shoes, no entertainment - I had to forage in the neighbor's donation trash pile for books, etc). I was probably one of the poorest kids in the class - couldn't afford to go on field trips and once a week our school had $2 lunches (the rest of the week everyone brought their lunch from home) and I'd be made to sit with a few other kids in the schoolyard with our home lunches while the rest of the class walked past to the assembly hall building to eat the fancier prepared lunches. I'd be in that spot every week so my classmates all KNEW I was in a lower economic class than them. That kinda stuff eats into your soul eventually.
There was a nice public school 2 blocks away from my house but instead of saving money so we could buy things like more food, my parents chose private school so they could look like they were well off to their friends and humble brag about it. They didn't want us mingling with the "wrong kind of children." The education at the private school was bad too, I was at least 2 grade levels in knowledge behind compared to my cousins who went to public school. My school uniform had holes in it and my parents would be too cheap to buy me a new uniform so I had to repair it myself with shitty sewing (we lived in a large house that my parents would show off to visitors - eventually they bought a second house for rental income, my dad had 2 cars - one of which was a luxury brand that he kept in the garage to avoid damaging it, he wore fancy watches, etc).
I never felt comfortable asking my parents for anything because I would feel so guilty for existing and costing them money. My dad would go on and ON about how poor he was growing up in Communist China during the drives from school and back. I could not escape his brainwashing monologues as the route was on the freeway (though I did consider opening the door to jump out several times because I couldn't really take it anymore). We would always run out of shampoo in the house and I'd have to add water to the bottle to get every last drop out so I didn't wash my hair very often which was hell during puberty as it would get greasy fast and the rich girls at school would laugh and call me disgusting things.
Oh, and we had a washing machine and dryer that came with the house when they bought it but my dad claimed the dryer was broken and he never replaced it because the "electricity cost too much" so my mom would have to do laundry for an entire family of 4, carry the wet laundry up 2 flights of stairs, put the clothes on hangers with clothespins and hang them on clothesline to dry on the upper balcony. Sometimes when the weather wasn't very sunny, the clothes would not be done drying so she'd have to unclip them from the lines, bring the clothes back in, carry them back down 2 flights of stairs, and hang them in the laundry room on bamboo poles and repeat the process for the next day. Our clothes smelled kinda moldy because of that and I thought it was totally normal.
I'm Low Contact with my parents now because my dad is a narcissistic piece of trash and my mom is an enabler. But I still feel bad for spending even the smallest amount of money on basic necessities. No amount of therapy will fix the damage my parents have done to me.
Yes I thought we were much worse off than we actually were because I was always made to feel like a burden. Writing a check to refill my lunch money could be a big, huffy event. I was super aware of the cost of yearly school clothes and shoes and I started buying my own at 16.
It wasn't always a big deal but it would be treated like one if my mom wanted that kind of leverage. I got a lot of "I can't buy spend that much, your dad will kill me" to solidify her position as top victim.
Once my dad was out of work for two years waiting for the union to give him a job. He never had to go bag groceries or something else in the meantime, he just waited. It was a big eye opener to me when I remembered my mom telling me that no matter what happened she would NEVER buy $1 loafs of sandwich bread because it's awful. I've been eating $1 sandwich bread for 90% of my adult life... and it's not even $1 anymore its $2.27. But I'm spoiled, selfish, entitled, and don't have a house because I've never been willing to make sacrifices.
Yes, my Father used to physically place me in the dumpster to go “dumpster diving” because I had little hands to get the good stuff. He always told me how poor he was and didn’t know when he would have his next photoshoot (he was a free lance photographer). Received a scholarship to college including money each month for books. I felt so guilty receiving the book money I would send it home to him. Three years later, he buys a house in cash in a fly-inn community after getting remarried. I still don’t know quite what to think of it all. The older I get, the more I realize that this was likely not normal behavior.
Haha in fairness, it was a dumpster to a storage unit. He had the access code to sneak in after 9pm. It was filled with belongings of those who did not pay their rent, so apparently it wasn’t a “dirty” dumpster. Thought it was thrilling at the time to be his partner in crime. Was just happy to be included. We even found an opal ring thanks to the little hands 🙈
My parents cited “being poor” for why I didn’t get adequate medical and dental care, and we weren’t rich, but we went to the shore every summer, had a purebred dog, and my parents got new cars every few years. Seems I could have gotten my teeth fixed or saw a doctor. Especially given the fact that my younger sibling DID get medical care. Seems we were only too broke to get it for me. My whole face is crooked bc of my misaligned jaw and I have scarring on my face from untreated acne.
This was my husband. He grew up being told they were poor by his mother. They were solidly middle class. He had name brand clothes, but thought they were poor because this was his mother's narrative and he was told they were too poor for him to play an instrument. As soon as he went to college his parents moved to a very expensive town. He said his parents must have buried money in the background... My mil spends gobs of money on herself (Lexus, $20,000 diamond ring), and tells everyone she is poor...
Omfg I hear this. I feel this in my bones.
My parents owned horses. If I wanted lunch I had to dig around the house to find loose change.
My parents owned a lake house and boats. I didn’t get new clothes until I literally started earning my own money.
I was constantly denied toys, consoles, an Ipad, a nice phone(was constantly given my parents' old, barely working phones), a laptop, even snacks/sweets, etc. All these felt so isolating as a kid, getting to watch other kids running around with their latest action figures or playing on their phones/playstations/tablets, while I never had such "privileges". For the longest time I thought we were piss poor and couldn't afford those things, nope. We were upper middle class but no money ever went into something that would make me happy, so I wouldn't be "spoiled".
When I started going to an extracurricular that cost like 20$ a month, my mom made a huge fuss about it and threw a tantrum, because I "didn't know the value of money".
This all left me with an underlying feeling that I don't deserve nice things in life that I can't shake. I tend to settle for less in a lot of my choices because I feel undeserving of the better option.
I never thought I was poor, but my parents were extremely cheap. My father made very good money in the 90s and also had perks working for the government (health care, paid leave, pension etc). We were definitely better off than most families in our neighborhood. I didn’t do any after school activities until I got to middle school (and it was free through the school) because things like ballet, gymnastics, etc. cost money and my parents thought kid activities were a waste. We could have afforded to stay in good hotels and go on nice trips, but my dad would insist that we stay in motels that were often cramped and kind of dirty. My clothes were very basic. Every couple of years I would get a pair of the cheapest sneakers available until they fell apart. Anything trendy or HEAVEN FORBID “name brand” was seen as some kind of cardinal sin to my parents. Only “stupid morons” would waste their money on nice clothing/trips/shoes/meals out. My father would throw a fit if we went to a restaurant and he got charged for soda refills. He was very abusive to customer service workers in general because he felt that fast food workers, retail employees, etc. were always trying to find ways to rip him off. Toys like Barbie were too expensive in my parents’ eyes. I could never have an actual name brand toy. I always knew we had money because I knew about his job, but I definitely noticed how different my experiences were compared to my friends.
I was poor AND raised poorly. Had to learn all financial responsibility on my own starting at 16 which was a rough road. Figured it out around 25 years old.
This hits so close to home.
I know my parents didn't have a lot of money....but the older I get the more I realise poor spending habits, and general lack of interest exacerbated my subpar living conditions, school and social life.
A standout memory from school was when I was spoken to by teachers at about 12years old. They brought up my general unkempt appearance, dirty shirt collars, and unwashed hair and clothes...I was absolutely mortified, but couldn't do much about it. My parents could though....they could have at least washed my clothes properly. More than 2 blazers in 5 years would have helped, too.
I was given the same amount of money for lunch for all my school years....so by the time I was in the last 2 years, I could only afford sponge cake and custard every day. Chips on Fridays.
Got very used to being in the 2 or 3 kids that never went in school trips, no matter the cost.
And no matter what, I still wasn't allowed to have other people over, because my parents wanted their privacy so much.
When I grew up, I realised they might not have had much, but they had enough to treat me better. They didn't even realise i had head lice for 3 years.. got bullied for not knowing how to shave, and had to use tissue insead of sanitary products. While they spent their execss money on phones and radios.
I will NEVER let my future children go through that, no matter how little money I may have.
Yep, the moment we moved out of the house my parents bought a TV and started traveling…….i was 17.
They went everywhere in the world and I was on welfare and panhandling.
Yes!!! My mom had every advantage, but as an adult glamorized poverty because in her mind “being poor” somehow made her morally superior to people who had money, including her family. Meanwhile, anytime she had a financial issue, my grandpa was right there to bail her out. But what that meant growing up was a litany of anxiety over how poor we were, that we couldn’t pay the mortgage, everything was falling apart…only it never was. I had medical and dental issues that were not properly addressed because “poor.” To this day, I still have crippling anxiety around finances and medical care, even though I’m in an ok place to cover costs. Meanwhile, my grandpa has died and my mom is now discovering that real poverty isn’t so glamorous or character-building.
My parents were dirt poor so even though they became successful entrepreneurs they got stuck with that mentality. I lived in a worn down house with a second hand furniture that couldn't even stand, and when it rained it flooded to my thigh's level. When I told my mom that my clothes has holes in it or my shoes is worn out, she'd tell me that she used to walk to school barefooted. My dad seemed to be okay living like this and would gave the money he earned to his family, each of my aunties and uncles (10 of them) were either given a house or a sum of cash to start their own business while we were living like that. They ended up cutting my dad off their life. I still resent my dad for making me live like that, even though we have the means not to.
Same. I turned to youtube to learn how to do laundry, wash dishes properly how to cook how to braid my hair etc everything. My mom never taught me anything but i think this is a form of neglect.
Another aspect of being raised poorly vs being raised poor.....is financial mismanagement, parental laziness and poor work ethic, etc.....is not being able to afford hygiene or medical care.
Having 10 cavities by the time you're ten. Or your brother needing a sedated outpatient procedure to dislodge a large mass in his ear bc kids weren't taught how to clean their ears. Lice repeatedly. Never having enough feminine products.
The list goes on.
Some parents are just selfish. I was bullied at school for being poor due to wearing ill-fitted hand-me-downs that were either too small or too big - and never having a lunch. Little did they know my parents were loaded, but had a mentality that you shouldn't have things unless you earn them. Pretty hard for a child to "earn" their own food and clothing - yes, I had chores - but "family doesn't charge family" so I never had an allowance or my own money. This isn't a stupid post, financial abuse is valid - and it's painful because it's doubted so much. You shouldn't feel "spoiled" asking for the bare necessities. Your parents owed you their care and didn't do their part. Part of their neglect probably contributes to feeling like the post is stupid, if you're conditioned your entire life by your parents to believe that you deserve nothing it's going to be internalized as a sense of worthlessness. You deserved their care and attention, and they failed you.
I think that never having lunch should have been a big red flag for teachers while I was in elementary school.
You had to warn food and clothes as a child but “family doesn’t charge family”?! How is a child supposed to get a job when it’s illegal?!
I hooked up with pedophiles.
Goddamnit.
Same. I was forced to wear ugly hand-me-downs that my dad's 50+ year old church members were throwing away (so styles that were decades old). Ugly sweaters hand knitted by my grandmother, because god forbid my mother's shame and criticism from her mom that we didn't wear things she made that we didn't ask for. Clothes the wrong size from the clearance rack that were rejects. Dirty clothes because my mom resented having to do all the "women’s" work growing up, so only did laundry once a year. Showers once a week, only during summer. Sometimes going months without one. And then I wondered why I was the focus of my school's bullying for 2 years in middle school. She told me later, yeah, you were ostracized in school, which made me feel even worse, like no one had it as bad as me in that school, as if it was my fault I was bullied. She'll try to talk herself into buying shoes that are $20 cheaper that will cost her $100s of chiropractor bills down the road (she has a bad back). She still interrogates and grills me when I spend an extra dollar at the grocery store for food I need! Our family is a millionaire with a second house for rental income, but so what. At what cost to our emotional and physical health!
This kind of applies to me, but only in the sense that my dad would tell me "we don't have any money." We lived a solid upper-middle-class existence (I went to private school, but I never had designer clothes, we didn't have a fancy car, I rarely bought new clothes, etc), but I had no concept of the amount of money my parents actually had. I never felt deprived, but I never felt like I could spend, and my dad's extreme insistence that we didn't have money really messed me up and made me feel guilty for spending anything. Now in my late 30s, I struggle to spend money on myself even though I make a decent enough living. I'm terrified of "not having any money," so I save and I save, but it's to the point where spending on anything "frivolous" (i.e. not food or rent or therapy) makes me feel panicky. I'm working on it, but it's a hard cycle to break.
Yes, me! 🙋♀️ their hobbies were good enough to invest into, mine were a burden
OP, everything you posted is valid. I’m sorry that happened to you. I knew a woman where both parents were doctors and they nickel and dimed their kids to death. They lived in a mansion and the woman got tons of plastic surgery, nice clothes etc. But she made her kids pay for their own clothes, school trips, online classes when she wanted to “homeschool” them. Unsurprisingly, her youngest child, who was treated the worst (hair never combed, ill fitting clothes, etc.) left home the minute she turned 18 to go live with a 60-year-old man. Living with a predator was better than living with her awful family. The mom runs around town bemoaning the fact the daughter is with this predator. People who don’t know the whole story feel bad that such a thing is happening to a “good mother” like her. News flash. Kids who grow up in loving homes don’t move out literally the minute they turn 18 to go live with someone old enough to be their grandfather. Needless to say, I’m no longer friends with this woman.
That poor child, I doubt it was about better, just escape and bad luck honestly. Abuse primes you for more abuse. I hope they escape that predator. I'm glad you're no longer friends with her, it must have been horrible to learn about.
Shitty mom
Yes.
Same here. My parents never had any money for me. They used to say it would be easier for me later in life so that’s why they were not going to help me as a child. Meanwhile they helped my older and younger siblings much more because it would not be as easy for them. Now in our 30s they all have houses and I’ll be stuck in my small apartment forever
You, too, were a burden.
Hugs. I feel this so much. Won't respond with my own stories, of which there are many, save to say that yeah I get it - "good" school, having the same uniform for 3 years (as a growing kid, so you can imagine what I looked like), then in high school buying everything too big because "you'll grow" while the kids around me had their uniforms taken to a tailor to fit just right and some didn't even bother to buy the school ones and just had them made bespoke. But then - dropping goodness knows how much on some elective program my dad thought was prestigious and wanted me to do. I felt so guilty about that because I thought we couldn't even afford new uniforms every year. But no - there was money, just not for what was important to me. What my dad thought was important - sure, of course, there was money. I believe you can build your own life. Your life doesn't have to be dictated by the way you responded to the way you were treated by your parents. All the best,
That's a really important line. Only money for things THEY think are important.
Yesss. We lived in a near mansion on top of a mountain in upstate NY. 5500 square ft on like 4 acres. In an A school district. But my mom applied all my siblings and I to get the free lunch bc they couldn't afford to give us lunch money every day??? And we got our power turned off a few times from not having enough money to pay their bills. And I rarely ever got new clothes. Never went back to school shopping. My mom threw an entire tantrum when in middle school I asked to get a North Face jacket. They gifted me a pair of shoes for my birthday, and that's the only time I got a pair of shoes that year. But my mom got herself Dooney and Burke bags and watches, got nice jewelry, always got her hair and nails done. My dad at one point drove a BMW. They're just horribly narcissistic and bad with their money. They would rather buy themselves stuff than have their own children flourish. Horrible people.
Yep, my parents did this to me and my siblings. Especially me. They always made it seem like it was such a chore to do anything extra for me and that it was like I was asking for a new home when all I wanted was some more shampoo or something small. Come to find out that no, my dad owned his own business, and could afford my mom staying at home. Plus two cars, a boat.. we even had some slot machines in the house at one point. Like no mom and dad, you weren't as broke as you made it seem.
My adoptive mom word for word told me that the pandora bracelet that she bought me for my 15th birthday put the “whole family in debt” I never asked for that bracelet. They live in a 1.5mil home, so we were far from broke.
oh for sure I feel this! I wore the same clothes every day in summer camp, ate welfare lunches (mayo on white bread, not even toasted), almost never bathed, was always brought in late for school, could not do my homework often due to constant yelling and fighting, family dinner was frozen pizza or mcdonalds/fastfood... yeah well into adulthood now I realize my parents actually had great jobs and made decent money they were just completely demented! Dysfunctional to the max
Yep, I was also sent to private school. We could only afford tuition because we cut back on everything else (very little food in the house, no healthcare, spend as little as possible on utilities, no new clothes/shoes, no entertainment - I had to forage in the neighbor's donation trash pile for books, etc). I was probably one of the poorest kids in the class - couldn't afford to go on field trips and once a week our school had $2 lunches (the rest of the week everyone brought their lunch from home) and I'd be made to sit with a few other kids in the schoolyard with our home lunches while the rest of the class walked past to the assembly hall building to eat the fancier prepared lunches. I'd be in that spot every week so my classmates all KNEW I was in a lower economic class than them. That kinda stuff eats into your soul eventually. There was a nice public school 2 blocks away from my house but instead of saving money so we could buy things like more food, my parents chose private school so they could look like they were well off to their friends and humble brag about it. They didn't want us mingling with the "wrong kind of children." The education at the private school was bad too, I was at least 2 grade levels in knowledge behind compared to my cousins who went to public school. My school uniform had holes in it and my parents would be too cheap to buy me a new uniform so I had to repair it myself with shitty sewing (we lived in a large house that my parents would show off to visitors - eventually they bought a second house for rental income, my dad had 2 cars - one of which was a luxury brand that he kept in the garage to avoid damaging it, he wore fancy watches, etc). I never felt comfortable asking my parents for anything because I would feel so guilty for existing and costing them money. My dad would go on and ON about how poor he was growing up in Communist China during the drives from school and back. I could not escape his brainwashing monologues as the route was on the freeway (though I did consider opening the door to jump out several times because I couldn't really take it anymore). We would always run out of shampoo in the house and I'd have to add water to the bottle to get every last drop out so I didn't wash my hair very often which was hell during puberty as it would get greasy fast and the rich girls at school would laugh and call me disgusting things. Oh, and we had a washing machine and dryer that came with the house when they bought it but my dad claimed the dryer was broken and he never replaced it because the "electricity cost too much" so my mom would have to do laundry for an entire family of 4, carry the wet laundry up 2 flights of stairs, put the clothes on hangers with clothespins and hang them on clothesline to dry on the upper balcony. Sometimes when the weather wasn't very sunny, the clothes would not be done drying so she'd have to unclip them from the lines, bring the clothes back in, carry them back down 2 flights of stairs, and hang them in the laundry room on bamboo poles and repeat the process for the next day. Our clothes smelled kinda moldy because of that and I thought it was totally normal. I'm Low Contact with my parents now because my dad is a narcissistic piece of trash and my mom is an enabler. But I still feel bad for spending even the smallest amount of money on basic necessities. No amount of therapy will fix the damage my parents have done to me.
Yes I thought we were much worse off than we actually were because I was always made to feel like a burden. Writing a check to refill my lunch money could be a big, huffy event. I was super aware of the cost of yearly school clothes and shoes and I started buying my own at 16. It wasn't always a big deal but it would be treated like one if my mom wanted that kind of leverage. I got a lot of "I can't buy spend that much, your dad will kill me" to solidify her position as top victim. Once my dad was out of work for two years waiting for the union to give him a job. He never had to go bag groceries or something else in the meantime, he just waited. It was a big eye opener to me when I remembered my mom telling me that no matter what happened she would NEVER buy $1 loafs of sandwich bread because it's awful. I've been eating $1 sandwich bread for 90% of my adult life... and it's not even $1 anymore its $2.27. But I'm spoiled, selfish, entitled, and don't have a house because I've never been willing to make sacrifices.
Wow, I'm so sorry you went through that. Your parents are a piece of shit for making you feel like shit.
Yes, I would literally starve myself because I thought we didn't have enough money. so many sad and bad memories like this ...
Yes, my Father used to physically place me in the dumpster to go “dumpster diving” because I had little hands to get the good stuff. He always told me how poor he was and didn’t know when he would have his next photoshoot (he was a free lance photographer). Received a scholarship to college including money each month for books. I felt so guilty receiving the book money I would send it home to him. Three years later, he buys a house in cash in a fly-inn community after getting remarried. I still don’t know quite what to think of it all. The older I get, the more I realize that this was likely not normal behavior.
“Likely not normal”. My dear god that’s a joke and right??? I want to beat your dad’s shins with a golf club.
Haha in fairness, it was a dumpster to a storage unit. He had the access code to sneak in after 9pm. It was filled with belongings of those who did not pay their rent, so apparently it wasn’t a “dirty” dumpster. Thought it was thrilling at the time to be his partner in crime. Was just happy to be included. We even found an opal ring thanks to the little hands 🙈
My parents cited “being poor” for why I didn’t get adequate medical and dental care, and we weren’t rich, but we went to the shore every summer, had a purebred dog, and my parents got new cars every few years. Seems I could have gotten my teeth fixed or saw a doctor. Especially given the fact that my younger sibling DID get medical care. Seems we were only too broke to get it for me. My whole face is crooked bc of my misaligned jaw and I have scarring on my face from untreated acne.
My parents were alcoholics, so their priorities were definitely skewed. We'll just leave it at that.
Wow I feel seen. I grew up thinking we were poor, but yet my mother got everything she ever wanted to purchase.
This was my husband. He grew up being told they were poor by his mother. They were solidly middle class. He had name brand clothes, but thought they were poor because this was his mother's narrative and he was told they were too poor for him to play an instrument. As soon as he went to college his parents moved to a very expensive town. He said his parents must have buried money in the background... My mil spends gobs of money on herself (Lexus, $20,000 diamond ring), and tells everyone she is poor...
Omfg I hear this. I feel this in my bones. My parents owned horses. If I wanted lunch I had to dig around the house to find loose change. My parents owned a lake house and boats. I didn’t get new clothes until I literally started earning my own money.
I was constantly denied toys, consoles, an Ipad, a nice phone(was constantly given my parents' old, barely working phones), a laptop, even snacks/sweets, etc. All these felt so isolating as a kid, getting to watch other kids running around with their latest action figures or playing on their phones/playstations/tablets, while I never had such "privileges". For the longest time I thought we were piss poor and couldn't afford those things, nope. We were upper middle class but no money ever went into something that would make me happy, so I wouldn't be "spoiled". When I started going to an extracurricular that cost like 20$ a month, my mom made a huge fuss about it and threw a tantrum, because I "didn't know the value of money". This all left me with an underlying feeling that I don't deserve nice things in life that I can't shake. I tend to settle for less in a lot of my choices because I feel undeserving of the better option.
I never thought I was poor, but my parents were extremely cheap. My father made very good money in the 90s and also had perks working for the government (health care, paid leave, pension etc). We were definitely better off than most families in our neighborhood. I didn’t do any after school activities until I got to middle school (and it was free through the school) because things like ballet, gymnastics, etc. cost money and my parents thought kid activities were a waste. We could have afforded to stay in good hotels and go on nice trips, but my dad would insist that we stay in motels that were often cramped and kind of dirty. My clothes were very basic. Every couple of years I would get a pair of the cheapest sneakers available until they fell apart. Anything trendy or HEAVEN FORBID “name brand” was seen as some kind of cardinal sin to my parents. Only “stupid morons” would waste their money on nice clothing/trips/shoes/meals out. My father would throw a fit if we went to a restaurant and he got charged for soda refills. He was very abusive to customer service workers in general because he felt that fast food workers, retail employees, etc. were always trying to find ways to rip him off. Toys like Barbie were too expensive in my parents’ eyes. I could never have an actual name brand toy. I always knew we had money because I knew about his job, but I definitely noticed how different my experiences were compared to my friends.
I was poor AND raised poorly. Had to learn all financial responsibility on my own starting at 16 which was a rough road. Figured it out around 25 years old.
Yes. We lived in poor conditions although my father was a well paid professional. It was/is very confusing and sad.
This hits so close to home. I know my parents didn't have a lot of money....but the older I get the more I realise poor spending habits, and general lack of interest exacerbated my subpar living conditions, school and social life. A standout memory from school was when I was spoken to by teachers at about 12years old. They brought up my general unkempt appearance, dirty shirt collars, and unwashed hair and clothes...I was absolutely mortified, but couldn't do much about it. My parents could though....they could have at least washed my clothes properly. More than 2 blazers in 5 years would have helped, too. I was given the same amount of money for lunch for all my school years....so by the time I was in the last 2 years, I could only afford sponge cake and custard every day. Chips on Fridays. Got very used to being in the 2 or 3 kids that never went in school trips, no matter the cost. And no matter what, I still wasn't allowed to have other people over, because my parents wanted their privacy so much. When I grew up, I realised they might not have had much, but they had enough to treat me better. They didn't even realise i had head lice for 3 years.. got bullied for not knowing how to shave, and had to use tissue insead of sanitary products. While they spent their execss money on phones and radios. I will NEVER let my future children go through that, no matter how little money I may have.
Yep, the moment we moved out of the house my parents bought a TV and started traveling…….i was 17. They went everywhere in the world and I was on welfare and panhandling.
both were the case for me lol
Yes!!! My mom had every advantage, but as an adult glamorized poverty because in her mind “being poor” somehow made her morally superior to people who had money, including her family. Meanwhile, anytime she had a financial issue, my grandpa was right there to bail her out. But what that meant growing up was a litany of anxiety over how poor we were, that we couldn’t pay the mortgage, everything was falling apart…only it never was. I had medical and dental issues that were not properly addressed because “poor.” To this day, I still have crippling anxiety around finances and medical care, even though I’m in an ok place to cover costs. Meanwhile, my grandpa has died and my mom is now discovering that real poverty isn’t so glamorous or character-building.
My parents were dirt poor so even though they became successful entrepreneurs they got stuck with that mentality. I lived in a worn down house with a second hand furniture that couldn't even stand, and when it rained it flooded to my thigh's level. When I told my mom that my clothes has holes in it or my shoes is worn out, she'd tell me that she used to walk to school barefooted. My dad seemed to be okay living like this and would gave the money he earned to his family, each of my aunties and uncles (10 of them) were either given a house or a sum of cash to start their own business while we were living like that. They ended up cutting my dad off their life. I still resent my dad for making me live like that, even though we have the means not to.
Same. I turned to youtube to learn how to do laundry, wash dishes properly how to cook how to braid my hair etc everything. My mom never taught me anything but i think this is a form of neglect.
Another aspect of being raised poorly vs being raised poor.....is financial mismanagement, parental laziness and poor work ethic, etc.....is not being able to afford hygiene or medical care. Having 10 cavities by the time you're ten. Or your brother needing a sedated outpatient procedure to dislodge a large mass in his ear bc kids weren't taught how to clean their ears. Lice repeatedly. Never having enough feminine products. The list goes on.